#the lesbians are due on Tuesday

[trash-laurry]

This where they manufacture gays ™️

[roseymoseyberry]

Today is really one of those days where I'm being reminded of all the things and people I like at my job left and right. There are such good people here, and they like and appreciate me so much, which SUCKS because my department is run like SHIT and I gotta dip for my sanity

[knavcsblade]

unprofessional.

+18!

cw: professor/dilf!arlecchino x student!reader. NOT highschool; both arlecchino and reader are adults. dom arle, sub r. overly descriptive. a lot of tension. age gap. power play (?). slight degradation. cunnilingus. 

wc: 3.4k

summary: professor arlecchino tutoring student reader who had fallen behind in class… and lesbian sex.

a/n: i couldn’t stop thinking about dilf arle as a professor… i would apologize, but i know this is a millionaire idea. plus, i haven’t written in ages and my fingers are now moving all over the keys like it’s nothing. i’m free!

Lessons have always been annoying—as far as you can recall—so much so that you would usually find yourself pouring your focus into the most insignificant things you could think of.

You would bring novels into class to read as the professor explained a new subject; you’d look out the window and process all the things you had to do on that very specific Tuesday afternoon; you would even take naps in between the prolonged sentences of that one teacher you simply couldn’t stand, for a reason that managed to escape you every time.

That was until the day the man was rumored to have been fired and replaced by another professional with more experience on the field—someone who most likely wouldn’t bore all the students to death.

Great, you thought, another male educator with an inflated ego who would roll his eyes at every inquiry from his pupils before proceeding to answer sarcastically just to make them feel witless. You were oh so excited for that.

The moment you looked up from your walnut desk, you already knew something was off. Everyone went silent as soon as the door opened—a common occurrence, though it felt different this time, especially since the clicking of heels echoed through the large room.

“Good morning, class,” those were the first three words that came from the new professor. The gravelly depth of her voice carried an air of authority that quickly forced everyone to put all their attention on the manner in which she approached her desk.

You were all in almost a chokehold in an instant, that was as clear as day. However, you seemed to be the most interested one out of the bunch by the way your eyes lingered on her form—on the way there was a lack of sway in her hips that you were unused to.

Most of the female scholars were nothing like her, and not just physically, you could already tell. She carried herself in a way that had you almost hypnotized, and you already knew you would be paying attention this time around.

There was a soft thud that bounced off the walls when she set her messenger briefcase on the dark wood of her new desk, eyes glimmering like coals in the darkness never leaving the class sitting before her. “Before we begin, introductions are indispensable,” her gaze flickered towards you for a few seconds before she spoke again.

That was… odd. You definitely looked like a deer in headlights to her now.

“I’m Arlecchino, and I’m afraid I will be your new professor from this moment onward… and no, I shall not disclose the details of your previous professor’s departure, before you ask.”

The auditorium had fallen silent the second she walked in, but due to the velvety, spellbinding tone of her voice, it seemed to grow even quieter. Of course, she had every student’s undivided attention at this point, but you found yourself staring at her for longer than would be considered appropriate.

The way she wore her suit captured your notice almost instantly. This was a common attire worn by every professor at the institute you attended, though hers was utterly captivating. The way the fabric clung onto her body, adding the way she carried herself… it was difficult for you to focus on her words at all, no matter how hard you tried.

And oh, her voice had you in a trance. The way the low vibrations of it echoed through the room sent shivers down your spine in a way you had never felt before. This person couldn’t be real…

You were so distracted by her you didn’t even realize the lesson was already over until you noticed the people around you beginning to stand up—Arlecchino taking a seat at her desk just to go through some papers she had taken out of her briefcase.

Much to your dismay, you were snapped out of your thoughts by this and, of course, her speaking. “Make sure to continue… hitting the books, as they say. In spite of your former professor’s leave-taking, the exam dates remain the same.”

The moment you got up and most of your peers had exited the room, you simply had to look at her for the last time. Truly, where did this woman come from? She was otherworldly, in your very honest opinion, and you were one hundred percent upset about having to make your way outside at that moment.

But oh, did you enjoy the lectures now.

You enjoyed her… them so much, the quality of your exam was abysmal. For her, even having to read the few words you wrote down felt like a punch in the gut, and she almost winced while going over it. However, who could blame you? Your last professor was truly someone who spoke and lulled you to sleep, and she was too distracting for you to even begin to comprehend the words that flowed out of her mouth.

The moment you picked up your test from her desk, you didn’t even look at it. You caught a glimpse of red inked scribbles all over the paper, clearly Arlecchino’s corrections, but you couldn’t bring yourself to even read what she had to say. You already knew you had messed up—what was the point?

You always told yourself you would simply ‘study more next time’; however, this was futile. All the subjects were related, so you practically were doomed to fail. You hadn’t the time to go over so many different things in just a few months.

The lesson began once you sat down, and one more time, your chin rested idly on the palm of your hand as you watched her. This was the sole reason you had underperformed on the exam, or so she thought.

She could almost vividly see the way her speech went in one of your ears and out the other, and in spite of her calm demeanor, it was slowly beginning to vex her. Were you truly this careless?

Of course, she kept an eye on you while she explained the intricacies of the new subject at hand, slowly pacing before the entirety of the class as she did her best to direct your attention to her words—not the way her steps allowed you to notice just how toned her frame was beneath the fabric of her suit.

The second everyone got up to leave the auditorium after long hours, you heard a soft “you”—one that oozed authority despite its calm tone. You already knew whose lips that simple word came out of. Naturally, you looked disoriented as you approached Arlecchino with your bag now hanging from your shoulder and heart beating so loud in your chest it might as well have been about to burst.

“Yes?”

Her gaze eventually turned to you, blackened hands gaining purchase on her own hips as she looked down at you. Finally, you could see her nails up close, one of the things you continued to ogle while sitting a few feet away from her, and you were more than fascinated by them now.

She cleared her throat to catch your focus once again after noticing it deviating from her face, and you would have been startled if only you hadn’t found her so attractive. “I have been informed that you are… one of the students who didn’t exactly pay attention to these classes previously. I wished to let you know you may come to me after lessons so I can clear any doubts you might have.”

Her eyes bored into yours as she spoke, and if you couldn’t hear your own heartbeat in your very ears, you would have assumed it had stopped completely. Educators were allowed to be mesmerizing, sure, but you had never found yourself being so… distracted by one.

“I’m positive you have quite a few of them, since I was told you spent most of your time dozing off or staring out the window at the previous professor’s lectures. Not to mention the way you seemed more than distracted in our last ones, unlike the other students…, and your failed exam.”

You immediately felt called out by her—who wouldn’t? Wasn’t this deeply embarrassing? This woman assumed you were, well, an uninterested fool, judging by her almost condescending tone. She already knew you had always been busy hearing her voice, but never truly listening to her. You felt your cheeks begin to burn from the shame.

“Yes, I…,” you cut yourself off to clear your throat, fist covering your mouth as you thought for a few seconds. Would you confirm her obvious assumptions about you, or reject her offer? Well, the answer was obvious. “I suppose it would do me good.”

“It would do your grades good,” her head tilted ever so slightly to the side as she spoke, piercing eyes solely focused on yours at all times. They were inhumanly beautiful yet hauntingly distant; despite this obvious nature, you couldn’t look away. “I don’t particularly enjoy the idea of my students falling behind.”

That said, a vocal sigh left her parted lips and filled the room in an instant. 

“We will meet at the library, yes? Perhaps I can… enlighten you for once.”

And so she did. She would spend hours on end trying to get certain things through your pretty little head, often having to literally snap you out of your thoughts. You spent long periods watching the way she held her garnet fountain pen instead of listening to her, and this was becoming tiresome.

You could practically hear her jaw clenching as you quietly giggled and lied through your teeth. “Don’t worry, I understand” and “yes, that makes sense” were things you would say time and again, even if Arlecchino hadn’t been speaking for minutes.

In a way, she found you… amusing, albeit irritating. The situation wasn’t one she was used to, even after years of being an important scholar of Teyvat.

You thought you weren’t being so blatant, though she caught on the reason for your absentmindedness pretty quickly. She would notice even the smallest of details about your actions, like the way your gaze would drop to her lips as she spoke, or how you continued to bite the inside of your cheek—it was almost as if you were somewhere in between reality and some different plane of existence.

She didn’t blame you, however. You were very clearly infatuated with her, and oh, did she find it sweet.

The only issue with these private lessons was that neither of you had considered the fact that the library closed once a month for the staff to conduct a book recount. The first Friday this took place, Arlecchino found herself having to simply invite you to her home so you could both resume your routine.

This wasn’t exactly inappropriate, at least not to her. It was fairly common for her colleagues to take the students who needed the most support to their places so they could perform their duties as tutors to them—you were utterly flustered, however.

You had ‘sneakily’ gotten information out of her about her personal life, like how she had adopted three children a few years back, or how she had a beautiful garden with rainbow roses she enjoyed taking care of before making her way to the institute. None of that could ever compare to setting foot into her house, fully missing those children she had mentioned before.

You now sat at the desk in her study, cross-legged with your tightly clasped hands resting on your lap and Arlecchino sitting before you. You desperately wished to look around—to take in the way she had decorated the room and maybe catch onto small details of hers she wouldn’t confess. However, you kept your gaze on her the entire time. Furniture could wait, could it not?

“I apologize for the… chaos,” her voice rumbled as she focused on putting away the scattered papers all over the large desk into a folder.

All you did was wave your hand dismissively in response, and if you weren’t looking so intently, you would have missed the way the corners of her lips lifted with utmost subtlety.

Your books were covering the mahogany wood in minutes, Arlecchino slightly leaned in as the crimson crosses in her eyes focused on the words plastered on the pages. She could definitely feel you studying her form more than you would ever study the sentences sitting right in front of you. She had had enough now.

Her voice pulled you out of your head in an instant, doe-eyed as you hummed. It took you a few seconds to register her question, the usual “did you understand?”

“Oh, uh… yes, absolutely.”

“Do it, then,” she said, leaning back with crossed arms and brows furrowed slightly enough to make you press your lips together instinctively.

It was clear you were puzzled at her words. You hadn’t heard what she had uttered before, and she just knew it.

“I’m… sorry, what?”

To this, all she did was exhale deeply through her nose and begin to organize all the books and papers you had placed on her desk. Her patient demeanor was beginning to falter, and all due to you.

“Get on the desk. Don’t make me repeat myself again.” Her answer was simple, and the way she said it left no room for hesitation whatsoever.

She put all your belongings aside to rest her palms on the edge of the furniture, getting up with a swift movement that made her chair roll back and give her enough room to wait for you to do what she had commanded. It was clear there was a plan in her mind, one about what she would do to you the second you obeyed, and it was nerve-racking.

Oh, well. Who were you to not do as she said? Especially when her gaze lingered on yours expectantly.

You slowly made your way towards her, hands trembling as you used them to prop yourself up and now find yourself sitting atop her desk in pure silence. Your legs were pressed together, naturally, since you had decided to wear a skirt due to the hot weather that had taken place merely a couple of weeks earlier. You didn’t wish to expose yourself before her, or did you?

“You know, dear,” she started as she drew closer, the nickname as well as the manner in which her hand found its way towards your thigh making your heart race in what could only be anticipation, “you aren’t good at listening, or understanding what I regularly explain to you… or keeping your focus on something other than me.”

At that moment, everything around you seemed to vanish. She was now so close you could feel the heat of her body against yours and her breath tickling your face. Somehow, before you could even react at all, she stood between your spread legs as her blackened hand snaked its way under the fabric of your skirt.

Could your poor heart even take all of this?

“I’m sure you aren’t even paying attention to what I’m saying right now, are you?”

“Sorry, you… you’re too close. I can’t…,” you didn’t even finish your sentence, but not due to her. It was all because your mind could only concentrate on the way her nails uniformly dug into the plush skin of your thigh.

“You can’t… what? Think? Of course you can’t,” she muttered in response, knowing she needn’t speak louder considering the closeness between you two.

It didn’t take her long to shatter this small distance, however. She leaned in impossibly closer, giving you all the time in the world to pull away if you wished to do so—if she had been stupid enough to misunderstand the whole situation. Yet, as the seconds passed, you didn’t. Obviously. 

Her other hand managed to gain purchase on your waist to pull you in and meet her lips halfway, wrapping you in a kiss as unhurried and torturous as it was passionate and hungry. And oh, the way you finally let out the breath you weren’t aware of holding through your nose the instant you tasted her only made her fully press herself against you.

You let her in eventually, a whimper betraying you as she fervently explored your mouth and her fingers wrapped around the hem of your underwear to slide it down your legs. She couldn’t find herself caring about anything other than giving you what you had wanted in such a desperate manner since you first saw her, even more so ever since you had managed to grow on her so easily.

She thought you were simply… almost adorable. The way you drooled every time your eyes landed on her was something she found more than entertaining, and she wished to see how many reactions she could pull out of you with uncomplicated deeds.

Arlecchino only pulled away to kneel before you, and you couldn’t help but notice the fine thread of saliva that connected your lips before it snapped once her face waited right in front of your unclothed, drenched cunt. She watched you in silence, crimson eyes now turning darker at the sight of your desperate expression.

You just wanted her to ravish you, didn’t you?

All she had to do was lift your legs up to rest on her shoulders just so her tongue could finally roll between your folds and soak in your fluids fully. This took longer than you were hoping for, but once it did, your head lolled back at the feeling.

This was followed by you dragging a moan out of the depths of your throat, an action that made her hold tightly onto your thighs since she could already tell you would be the type to squirm and make a mess only from getting eaten out.

The pretty noises coming from you the moment she found that sweet bundle of nerves only made her react by digging her nails into the warm skin of your thighs and shoving her face even further into you. Her nose was pressed against your mound, and the sensation of the small hairs pricking on it made the feeling even more enjoyable for her.

She seemed to eat your pussy out like a woman starved—one not afraid to pour the entirety of her silent desire onto you and watch you relish it in its entirety. She could even feel the mixture of your wetness and her saliva beginning to drip down her chin and pour onto her pants to stain them in the future, all the while she lapped against your sensitive clit.

Long minutes full of moans, whimpers, and your hand tangling in her hair passed when you felt that well-known heat forming in your lower stomach. You couldn’t ignore it, and neither could she. Arlecchino could simply tell how close you were to an orgasm just from the way your legs squeezed her head every once in a while.

“Fuck… fuck, Arlecchino, please,” a strained plea that was interrupted by a mewl left your mouth which hung open for her to hear you.

Between lewd slurps and wet noises, her eyes found yours for what probably was less than a second. This managed to get you to clench around nothing as a loud moan filled the air.

“How vulgar,” came the only muffled response from her, though she lacked the sharpness of her usual tone. She was absolutely pussy-drunk at this point, only focused on bringing you to ecstasy with her tongue and claws carving crescent moons into your thighs.

It didn’t take you long to find your release, twitching and holding onto absolutely anything on that desk to keep yourself from fully resting on it. Even at the peak of your orgasm she didn’t let go of you; she was entranced by making sure she licked you clean of all your juices no matter what. It became overwhelming at one point—the way she made sure to swallow your climax solely made you wish this would have happened sooner.

Once she was done enjoying your taste, she slowly got up to wipe the remains of your loud crescendo with the back of her hand, red crosses finding your pupils though she knew you were more than out of your five senses.

“I do hope that, after this, you will pay more attention to our future lessons, dear,” her voice was somewhat deeper, and it forced you to nod through your exhaustion.

You would definitely focus on her words from now on.

[mcytgaynessshowdown]

REMINDER THIS IS ON THE GAYEST CHARACTER!

Grian

Number of submissions : 8 From : Hermitcraft , The Life Series , Yandere High School , Evo SMP , DDVAU (AU by kitsuneisi & xMaruu11 on tumblr) Headcanons : Transmasc, Transfem, Gay (MLM), Pansexual Reasons (DUE TO EXTREME SUPER LONG PARAGRAPHS OF REASONING, SOME HAVE BEEN CUT OUT): - he is canonically soulmates with two men. He also had a situationship with a man in YHS who he canonically did things with every Tuesday. He also essentially has a drag persona (Ariana Griande). (Content creator is very straight. The character isn’t even in that vicinity) - just look at 3rd life, he's still stuck in the desert - He canonically pledged his life to another man in one season of the smp and had a divorce arc in another. - Him and scar in 3rd life man also he was a hippie twice throughout hermitcraft idk that's pretty gay to me - I mean... Look at him - i have a proper character reasoning for their gayness and that would be bc there is no heterosexual way to explain third life, thank u for hearing me out ur lordliness - “I’m…into dudes…” - YHS and just you just have to watch him in third life dude. He just acts like it. Also he def wasn’t married in third life…and acting like a hung up ex bf in wild life - Look at him in 3rd life please. just,, just watch him interact with scar, most gay straight man I have ever seen play minecraft honestly

GeminiTay

Number of submissions : 4 From : Hermitcraft, The Life Series , Empires SMP Headcanons : Bisexual, Lesbian Reasons : - WHATEVER IS GOING ON WITH HER AND PEARL HONESTLY - 1) The content creator herself is bisexual so she has to be in the running for this 2) In Hermitcraft S10 when Pearl was talking about wearing only a salmon head Gem said, “‘Naked with a salmon head! Can’t wait to see the fanart of that” 3) When Pearl kept failing to kill Gem in Wild Life Gem said that it was cute when she was pathetic and insisted upon it when Pearl denied it 4) There’s more examples like the doomed borderline break-up Gem and Pearl had in Secret Life and the bitter ex act Gem had in Wild Life but it’s 1:31AM and I am tired so goodnight 5) Oh yeah and Gem literally has the bisexual flag on her shoe

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 2/11/2025

the bon mot slot goes to the Witcher comics, bc after i inhaled all of the 2014-present series i realized they scratch the same sad goth detective itch batman does

oops! all books!

adding another axis to the "depressive cycles" graph, where x is "how many minutes of mother mother have i listened to in the past two weeks" and y is "how many books have i read and bounced off in the past two weeks" and brother we're at the extreme upper right hand corner

what was supposed to be last week's gay and/or lesbian romance and/or erotica

Desire by Starlight, by Radclyffe, is a 261p softcover published in 2010 by Bold Strokes Books. two unrelated facts about this physical object: VERY glossy cover, and smells faintly of mildew despite having a perfect text block with no water damage. radclyffe has written over a hundred books and this is somewhere in the middle. this is sitting at a solid 4 on goodreads with some complaints that she tends to be a little formulaic. i am going to be very honest and say that when i read this two weeks ago, i did not take very good notes bc i didn't love this one. the structure and pacing were mostly fine and there were only a few strange phrases in the sex scenes, i simply did not find it particularly memorable. we have for sure read worse during this project.

i wish the local love interest did not go by Gard, short for Gardner. is it a stupid old money new york name? sure. is it hard to take the book seriously? yes.

i also found it amusing that radclyffe does not follow her own novel-writing rule outlined in this very meta novel: rarely if ever does a scene open close to the heart of a chapter.

the secret our dear gard is hiding kind of fizzles out in the literal last ten pages. i think she should have had a better or more interesting secret instead of one that could be comfortably resolved through a singular therapy session. i also feel that this teetered on will-they-won't-they-let-each-other-through-a-hardened-outer-shell a little bit too long, and the breakthrough was perhaps not as cathartic as i would have liked. this excerpt, nearly halfway through the book, they are still not together. while it's very funny to watch them seethe in poorly concealed jealousy, i am tapping my watch. do something.

i cannot immediately find the weird wording that threw me a little during the sex scenes. the sex scenes are kind of widely scattered.

i think the thing that annoys me most about this book is that there's no real benefit for either of them in this relationship. jenna has broken down from not eating or sleeping well on a national book tour, not because she's psychically suffering from not letting see her feelings she keeps in a tightly locked box. there's no real benefit for gard either, who is lonely but not cripplingly so. it starts off as a casual-only thing and then both of them (and me) are startled they catch real feelings.

there are some gestures made toward It's Nice To Have Another Woman Around In Case of Physical Injuries Due To Mishap but i would have loved to see more of how gard was won over by being taken care of. gard princess carries jenna into her vet clinic bc of a fucked up ankle and jenna is annoyed, flustered, and doubly annoyed she's flustered.

i think this one was so forgettable bc i genuinely had trouble remembering what the conflict (if any) was. both of them are stable adults with real jobs and other friends. inheriting a farm in vermont doesn't really add any new or exciting problems for either of them. neither of them are very spontaneous and neither can manic pixie dream girl the other out of her shell, and when they finally do emotionally let their walls down it doesn't feel very organic.

the like technical putting words one after another is there, this is her zillionth book and everyone has dialogue that sounds like things real people would say out loud with their mouths and everyone's physical actions map onto my real-world understanding of how bodies in 3D space work. this one did not grab me.

-

this week's gay and/or lesbian romance and/or erotica

title drops in this book: 3.

Heart on Fire is a 167p softcover published in 1996 by our old friend Naiad Press. a slightly water-damaged paperback i felt okay dragging down to the gulf when i was dragged down to the gulf last weekend for my health. this was Diana Simmonds' first solo book and first fiction book, and a lot of older lesbians seem to have a great deal of fondness for it. while i was trying to find any press or interviews, most of the hits were from other lesbian authors citing her as an inspiration. naiad really banked a lot on it being the hit novel of their publishing season and were sure it would eclipse their previous bestseller from nearly a decade ago, Katherine Forrest's Curious Wine. i don't own a paper copy but have placed a libby hold so we will make a detour from physical books in the near future.

overall, a rare book where the third act breakup does actually make a lot of sense: being the partner of a globetrotting traveling musician would put a strain on any relationship whether you choose to stay on the road or wait at home. however! it really did stick the landing! and for that i can forgive it a great deal! the sort of not quite reality of their respective third act depression sojourns and then the incredibly sensory descriptions of the finale concert…very good. very nineties movie about a musician ending if that makes any sense.

while i think the structure is fine, i think the actual craft of the narrative is more variable. we'll go into the style in the next paragraph, but part of the dedication goes "to CCC, without whom it would be full of people thinking to themselves." i wish CCC had dialed their feedback back a little bc i would have loved some more interiority, particularly from jody. i must commend our stuck-in-one-place half of the couple, grace, who makes SUCH fascinating decisions. the traveling musician jody looks like she could be the sister of her abusive ex-husband, grace's brief rebound from jody is her goddamn college advisor… bonkers. what ARE you doing???

stylistically, it feels like sitting on the patio of a lesbian bar for three hours and listening to a friend telling you a very long story about how two absent friends you don't know got together with a lot of elaborations and asides. i occasionally found this style tiresome. there are some charming turns of phrase, like "She wrote the address of the roadhouse on the package, sealed it with a kiss, said "What the hell," to neutralize the sentimental gesture, and dropped it into the mailbox." i also cackled out loud at "I don't know, I-- I really really want you, so much, and I am not very good at being cool about it." did nearly tear up at this paragraph:

some things have aged a little strangely since 1996. grace is briefly forcibly kissed by a very drunk bandmate before jody rescues her, but there are further instances of someone not immediately stopping a kiss or an embrace or what have you when someone else says no, that i think could not be written in a modern day romance novel. there are some very frank discussions of marital abuse right after a literally soul-healing sex scene.

this is a book that could never be rewritten as a straight romance with light serial numbers filed off. no one is in physical danger just because they're gay, but there's a lot of internal homophobia and readjustment on grace's part, and overall people are fairly accepting in theory but not always in practice. jody outs herself to the aussie press, and early on/right after her bus breaks down, grace and her mother discuss this news and her mother tells her off for being prejudiced, but connives to throw them together to distract grace from her recent divorce. her mother is then is very sad about the thought of her daughter who would have a very difficult life as a publicly out lesbian, and I can’t really blame her, but it’s such a switch from the vehement Fix Your Heart Or Die!!! discussion in the second chapter. there are some fraught familial reactions to grace's bisexuality-- her mom basically bullies her dad into remembering he loves his daughter-- but they all do come around.

this was fine and a good beach read, i'm not sure that i'll ever reread it. almost forgot about the sex. i think the current fashion for queer romance novels is not quite as purple, but the whole book is like this and i must respect an author's full commitment in this manner. here are some sex examples on non-consecutive pages.

-

did not finish, or finished with severe annoyance

i have become a libby power user in my old age bc texas is remarkably free with its library cards. i don't THINK i'm meant to have five of them but there seems to be no law against it and no one's told me to fuck off? this is good bc i have (at the moment) 44 holds and 56 "notify me if any of my libraries purchase this book" books tagged.

the flipside of being willing to give anything vaguely intriguing a try is that most books aren't very good or they aren't quite what i want. i will DNF anything, anytime, for no good reason. i know that statistically most novels are debut novels but i am so fucking tired of reading debut novels.

Hammajang Luck, by Makana Yamamoto, debut novel published last month. comps include ocean's 8, blade runner, and gideon the ninth. much as i love a heist novel, a heist is extremely ambitious for a debut and i didn't quite vibe with the style. i DNF'd at around the end of chapter seven, it has a very strange issue where we get from location to location pretty snappily but overexplain setting and clothing too much within individual scenes. i think it wants to be a screenplay a little too bad. a great deal of the dialogue is hawaiian pidgin (what the author grew up speaking). very much a me problem, i didn't have any experience with this language coming into this book and it was hard to turn off the kneejerk "this is racist and making fun of black people" response i had. again, very much a me problem.

Yamamoto uses Hawaiian pidgin—“an amalgamation of Hawaiian, English, Japanese, Chinese and Portuguese”—in much of the novel’s dialogue, particularly between Edie and their crew members. It is the “primary language” spoken on Kepler and speaks to the kinship between the characters. However, the decision to include pidgin occurred by happenstance. When writing the first line of dialogue between Edie and Cy, fellow crew member and friend, “it just came out in pidgin spontaneously”. Yamamoto “tried to rewrite it in standard English”, but it “sounded wrong”. Notably, the pidgin and Hawaiian words in the novel are not italicised or translated, nor does the novel include a glossary of terms. Yamamoto felt that these practices were “othering” and so asks the reader to do the work.

i think this is a reasonable thing to ask a reader, and i think i might have to take a crack at it some other time.

The Rainfall Market, by You Yeong-Gwang, a debut novel from last year freshly translated from Korean. a young woman wins a lottery ticket to enter the Rainfall Market on the first day of the rainy season, where she can completely change her life. DNF at two chapters. this seems to be generally marketed as general fiction (which is what my library had it under) but it feels very middle-grade, both as far as sentence structure and vocabulary and the general maturity-- the protagonist is about to graduate high school but her concerns and goals feel more like she's about twelve. not sure if it's an unfortunate series of translation and marketing decisions? rough!

Water Moon, by Samantha Sotto Yambao, the author's fifth book and published last month. the premise of this book is so charming: liminal-space pawnshop where you can exchange your regrets for tea, woman taking this family business over from her father, physicist who stumbles in, oh no! the physicist is playing the scully to her mulder but does not have a physicist Vibe. i think he’s too personable and not tiresome and mansplainy enough to be a particle physicist. he's too nice. she falls in love with him near-instantly. DNF partly because i have never met a particle physicist i could stand to be around for more than fifteen minutes, mostly a DNF bc at about a quarter of the way through this very slow to start book, when the girl turned to the boy after they fell through a pond into a perfect recreation of a edo-era tokyo street and said "this is the other world, you can call it isekai" i did not throw my elderly ailing phone across the room and i did not get up and stomp around bc phil was on my lap but i did vehemently return the library ebook thirteen days early.

Lucky Red, Claudia Cravens, a debut novel published summer 2023. this thoroughly fucking annoyed me. published by the literary group that also ran...basically a budget MFA? they called it a "novel generator in 12 months", they have since closed, and i cannot find how much AI was involved. i do not think this book was marketed well:

A thrilling, raucous, and gloriously queer debut about a scrappy orphan bent on making her own luck in the American West—and finding friendship, romance, and her true calling along the way, now in paperback.

this book is about an older teen in 1877 dodge city who turns to survival sex work. terrible thing after terrible thing happens to this girl whenever she makes a connection outside living just in her own head and for what? it felt like the author was setting up to deliver some moral lesson or theme other than "never question your boss" but never quite followed through. it felt like the author was punishing the protagonist for being a whore even though that’s the book the author chose to write and the author can't quite decide if it's empowering or not. again, it's very strange to read a book where the protagonist is punished for almost every decision she makes and very few parts of sex work are idealized, but then she turns to the camera and reassures the reader with a chipper "but it wasn't all bad!". i wish the protagonist got to mature or grow as a character a little more. i think this could have used more time in the oven and an ending that doesn't feel like a very ill-earned end of every american western ever. thank fucking god this is a real ensemble cast and not found family or i would be much more impatient with this book than i already am.

good at getting me to finish a book bc it's very effective at hustling you from chapter to chapter. great technical skill on that front. bad at any sort of emotional throughline.

things i DNF'd after less than two chapters

Thornfruit by Felicia Davin, published in 2018 and her seventh or eighth book. i am a little annoyed bc this was on hold for over two months but i really do appreciate the AO3-style list of tags and warnings in the front bc now i know there is stuff in this book that is not for me!

Passing Strange, by Ellen Klages, a 2017 novella and her...twentieth? work. a prolific woman. urban fantasy gay historical fiction of 1940s magical san francisco. while i do love a magical painting, i did not have it in me this week to read about a woman struggling with her legacy in the face of a terminal diagnosis.

Nevernight, Jay Kristoff, 2016 first book of a trilogy and his third trilogy overall. he keeps fucking getting me with fun vampire premises but he's very much in the same bucket as paolo bacigalupi in my brain. far more brutal and visceral things happen than you really are prepared for. do not love an opening chapter with disassociation to a past sexual assault in the middle of an assassination, as movie-crisp as the match shot transitions from present day to disassociation were.

plus a nice half dozen varied romances im not going to individually name, bc the last time i seriously used the "tag for later" feature in libby was the summer of 2019 and my tastes have changed. for example i rarely put myself through heterosexual vampire romance books these days.

-

yeah these were all right

Red Harvest, by Dashiell Hammett, his first full novel in 1929 after literally dozens of shorts and novellas. this detective noir was like watching a car crash. brutal little book. im positive this is not the earliest example of turning both ends of a town against the middle for your own profit, but it was the one cited for yojimbo so its the one that gets brought up a lot. i think the cast is slightly too large for what hammett is trying to do. sometimes reading noir as something woman-shaped feels like an elaborate act of self-harm.

Unnatural Magic, by CM Waggoner, a debut novel from late 2019. thoroughly charmed by this one! one of the most well thought out country/species/religion/immigration systems and how any and all of those can impact any one specific wizard’s magic. it's like a beautiful clockwork orrery ticking along in the background. very prachett-esque approach to troll gender. the baddie is Not doing good things but the ultimate motivations are really understandable! I get why that happened even if it was a really bad reaction! a line i keep turning over in my head is "worry like a third person in the room." i have put their second book on hold on the strength of this one.

The Firebird’s Tale, Anya Ow, a debut novel from 2016. charming retelling of the fairytale element of a royal having to marry the one who makes him smile. the lead up to and the third act separation itself were kind of stupid, and felt like it wanted to be a duology but wrapped up very fast. has a lot of thoughts about choice and putting the end of things to bed quietly and with dignity on your own terms. also has a lot of thoughts about meanings of stories. the non-magical and non-immortal half of the couple is a possessive prince who falls so hard so fast and is mad about it. they fuck so many times while thinking "well surely this doesn’t mean anything, we're just married for the convenience". they're both so dryly exasperated.

-

there's an additional hardboiled noir that was fun but i have nothing particular to say about, and a stack of physical comics from a new library that i mostly hated, but we are almost at the image limit and it is 1030 PM. i can't see why we wouldn't be back to the usual format next week but no promises bc there are no rules

[justinspoliticalcorner]

Christopher Wiggins at The Advocate:

The federal government is poised to apologize for decades of intolerance toward the LGBTQ+ community. U.S. Senators Tim Kaine, a Democrat from Virginia, and Tammy Baldwin, a Democrat from Wisconsin who is the first out LGBTQ+ person elected to the Senate, have introduced a resolution on Tuesday that seeks to formally apologize for the historical discrimination faced by LGBTQ+ people in the federal workforce. The resolution, introduced during Pride Month, acknowledges the mistreatment and wrongful terminations of LGBTQ+ civil servants, foreign service officers, and service members, dating back to 1949.

“LGBT civil servants, foreign service officers, and service members have made countless sacrifices and contributions to our country and national security. Despite this, our government has subjected them to decades of harassment, invasive investigations, and wrongful termination because of who they are or who they love,” Kaine said in a press release. “This Pride Month, I’m proud to lead this resolution alongside Senator Baldwin to reaffirm our commitment to righting our past wrongs and fighting for equality for all LGBT Americans.”

A dark chapter in history

The resolution highlights the Lavender Scare, a period from the early 1940s through the 1960s during which queer federal employees were targeted and persecuted. This era, marked by heightened suspicion and discrimination, saw thousands of federal workers lose their jobs due to their sexual orientation. The most recent wave of such discrimination was perpetuated by the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, which was in effect from 1994 to 2011 and led to the discharge of more than 100,000 LGBTQ+ military service members.

The resolution acknowledges the extensive harm caused by these discriminatory policies, stating, “the Federal Government discriminated against and terminated hundreds of thousands of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender individuals who served the United States in the uniformed services, the Foreign Service, and the Federal civil service for decades, causing untold harm to those individuals professionally, financially, socially, and medically, among other harms.”

[...]

Support and future steps

The resolution is co-sponsored by a host of prominent Democratic senators, including Chris Coons of Delaware, Jeff Merkley from Oregon, Pennsylvania’s John Fetterman, Patty Murray from Washington, Brian Schatz of Hawaii, Jeanne Shaheen from New Hampshire, Bob Casey from Pennsylvania, Dick Durbin of Illinois, Massachusetts’s Edward Markey, Richard Blumenthal from Connecticut, Ben Cardin of Maryland, Rhode Island’s Sheldon Whitehouse, Kirsten Gillibrand of New York, Colorado’s Michael Bennet, Ron Wyden from Oregon, Sherrod Brown of Ohio, and Virginia’s Mark R. Warner.

What happens next?

The Senate will now review the resolution. If it gains sufficient support, it will proceed to a vote. If passed, it will serve as a formal acknowledgment and apology for the historical injustices faced by LGBTQ+ federal employees.

Tim Kaine and Tammy Baldwin, a pair of Democratic Senators, introduced a resolution seeking a formal apology for decades of anti-LGBTQ+ discrimination in the federal government, especially during the Lavender Scare era.

[teecupangel]

Submitted by @saberamane

I’ve spent WAAAAYYYY too long thinking about this, so I figured I’d share.

A modern day AC AU where Desmond is a bartender at a high end strip club. Altair, Ezio, and Ratonhnhaké:ton are, of course, dancers. Altair starts out as his arrogant AC1 self, he has a nice body and knows it. Ezio is, of course, flirty and loves the attention dancing gets him. He doesn’t actually need the money seeing as his family is filthy rich. Meanwhile Ratonhnhaké:ton is dancing ONLY for the money. He’s quiet but perceptive, typically steering clear of Altair as he can be quite snooty, and Ezio because his flagrant flirting makes Ratonhnhaké:ton uncomfortable.

Desmond, while an experienced bartender, is new to the establishment. And within a month of his employment all three dancers come to the same conclusion.

They need to get Desmond to agree to a date.

Now I’m thinking this evolves into a harem situation, where at first all three want to date Desmond, then are trying to out compete each other for Desmond’s affections, and in the end all 4 of them are dating each other.

Also I was thinking of a schedule for the club, lol. It’d be a mixed club, so men and woman dancers, servers, bartenders, and clientele. Mondays are men only nights, so only men are working the club and only men are allowed in. A sort of ‘gay’ night, if you will. Likewise, Wednesdays are woman only, or 'lesbian’ night. Fridays are themed, which is posted the Monday before on their website. The theme can be anything, and while clientele are encouraged to also dress in the theme, it’s not mandatory, but the workers of the club have to dress as the theme. Some examples would be like holidays, Halloween, Christmas, valentines, st Patrick’s day, etc. And then Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday are mixed crowds with the dancers allowed to do their own routines.

And I’m going to stop there, because I’ve already put too much thought into a fiction idea I probably won’t ever write due to time constraints lol.

=================

Addition from teecup:

I kinda like the idea that Desmond’s old bartending job is actually Bad Weather and he had to find a new one because Bad Weather got into… well… let’s just say it’s under investigation by the cops at the moment. The detective on the case was like “Don’t skip town for now, kid. Sure, you’re clean but it’ll look bad if you just leave while we’re investigating and shit” and Desmond got a job in the high end strip club because he has no other option. (And the pay was better than all the other options he had)

The owner looked super young to be the owner of a strip club but Desmond isn’t going to ask any questions at all and just goes to work in the high end strip club called “Thousand Eyes”.

And, ohohoho, he has been a bartender for a long time now so he knows when someone is attracted to him. All three of the best dancers being attracted to him?

Desmond didn’t like playing the field or even just leading someone on but her co-bartender Layla (a college student working there to pay for college) was like “No, no, this is pure entertainment gold, man. As long as you’re upfront about the whole ‘yeah, you three are thirsty for my dick’ (Layla!), you’ll be fine.” and well… Desmond didn’t really had any say about the matter in the end because Ezio goaded Altaïr and that turned into a competition between them which Ratonhnhaké:ton gets roped into. Desmond actually felt bad for Ratonhnhaké:ton until he realized that Ratonhnhaké:ton was just as competitive as the two and, really, having the attention of three hot men were too much for Desmond. He was only human and Layla was the devil on his shoulder pushing him to the dark side and yeah…

Desmond decided to milk it.

It backfired and he fell in love with all three of them instead.

Fuck.

Unorganized Notes:

Shaun is the accountant of the strip club. He comes every few weeks and always leaves slightly buzzed after hearing the latest ‘competition’ for Desmond’s hand. (Desmond is sure Shaun is living vicariously thru him… but he’s not going to say that out loud)

Layla is the main bartender for the woman only days and she’s an engineering student. She has a girlfriend named Deanna who likes to come to the club and watch her girlfriend get flirted with by other people. Desmond likes to joke it’s a voyeur thing, Layla keeps telling him that he’s not using the right word.

Clay is also a bartender and is in charge of the website and social media accounts of the strip club. On the side, he has a discord server where he talks about the shenanigans the three go to just to catch Desmond’s attention and people in his discord (which pretty much includes the regulars and some of the employees except the three idiots and the object of their affection) love it. He’s the sole reason why the strip club has an online shipping war going on and he’s milking it because of the whole ‘support your bias by coming to the club!’ posts.

Desmond has no idea who makes the ‘menu’ for private dances but he thinks they are either a genius who wishes to remain anonymous or they’re hiding their identity because they know they’re gonna get killed because some of the menu names are ‘Brotherly Love’ for requesting Malik and Kadar at the same time, ‘Trust Fund Babes’ for requesting Arno and Ezio together, and, Desmond’s favorite that he will never say out loud, ‘Repressed Catholic Special (10% off if you show your rosary)’ that is actually just Altaïr but he gets to order the customer around for the entire time.

Lots of customers want Evie to step on them (of all genders).

I feel like Jacob’s gonna have the most elaborate Magic Mike numbers for some reason.

Shao Jun has the most acrobatic set pieces and hers usually get a lot of applause because she’s a really great dancer.

Ezio’s family knows he’s a stripper and they just… let him do whatever he wants. The one time Claudia shows up in the club, Ezio actually messes his dance because “Jesus Fuck, that’s my sister!” and Claudia is like “Noooo, eeewwww, that’s my brother!”. She would sometimes show up when she knows Ezio won’t be dancing. To be sure, she always texts Ezio: “any chance I’ll see your ugly ass tonight?” and Ezio would always text back “Claudia! Stop texting me like this! People will get the wrong idea!” then text a few seconds later “No. Have fun. Make sure to tip well.”

Nikolai is the main bouncer. Cross is also a bouncer but he can get a bit too violent at times so he’s only allowed to work if Nikolai, his uncle, works with him.

Arbaaz is the father of Jayadeep who is also a stripper in the club. Arbaaz does not know about his son’s ‘part-time job’.

You know in some cabaret clubs, they actually have a wall of “top ‘employees’ of the month” and it’s ranking the top 10 for that month and I kinda think Reda would do the same because he knows many of his employees are competitive idiots.

The usual top one is Bayek, hands down. He goes to stage, people start throwing money.

… Is it too much if the ‘menu’ name for Alexios and Kassandra is ‘I Would Like One Bisexual Awakening’?

Eivor’s the only stripper that dances for both women only and men only days.

The Borgias are regulars. They tip well but they’re very handsy. They all favor Ezio.

… It would be funny if Abbas was in the corner, shades on, with a cap and being totally weird and out of place. Desmond sees him the first time and asks Clay if they should be worried about that dude in the corner. Clay goes “Naaahh, he’s harmless. I mean, he’s a weirdo that gets off getting ignored by Altaïr during his stage time but… harmless.”

You know what, all Templars are regulars and they favor the Assassin that killed them in canon (oh god, should… should we include Vidic thirsting over Desmond???)

Sidenote: I feel you. With the upcoming August megaposting this year, I’m scrambling just to prepare for the fics I wanna write for that month and there’s soooo many good ideas I have and ones I get from you guys XD Anyway, this is the best we can offer each other and to anyone who reads and enjoy this. :)

[manygeese]

(this is for @demigod-shenanigans bc I wouldn’t have had this idea without them! hope u like it, will probably write more for the other things too)

Reyna’s Fencing Meet (and Totally Unrelated: Piper’s Crush)

Piper watched with a light blush on her face as Reyna disarmed her opponent. Skillfully. Professionally. And hotly. Was that a word? Whatever, it was true.

A buzz came from her phone, but she ignored it. She was entranced by the way Reyna’s dark hair cascaded downward, reaching the middle of her back even in that elegant high ponytail. Though if anybody asked, she was writing her paper on 1984 for Lit and Comp.

Piper shook her head to rid it off such distracting thoughts. “The time period in which Orwell wrote 1984 was one rife with…” She paused. Damn. Her smart thoughts must have escaped with the stupid ones.

She gave up. The essay wasn’t due until next week. She had time to kill, right? Right. Checking her phone couldn’t hurt, could it? It couldn’t.

HOT-TO-GO: hey simp. hows the pretty girl doing 😘

Red Wine Supernova: hush, child

HOT-TO-GO: dont test me. i WILL sic festus on u 🫵

Attached was a stupid 0.5 picture of Leo (more accurately, his forehead) with his award winning robot dragon, Festus, and some other people from the robotics club. She huffed a laugh and typed up a response.

Red Wine Supernova: im his favorite though

HOT-TO-GO: nope. nope. never even insinuate that again. i WILL divorce u

Red Wine Supernova: then don’t sic him on me, silly billy

HOT-TO-GO: dont worry u pathetic lesbian. ur knight in shining armor will save u

HOT-TO-GO: it’ll be like that one scene in hercules where he saves meg from that blue dude

Piper let out an audible groan and stamped her foot on the bleachers. A few members of the fencing club looked up at her, startled, including her favorite.

Reyna Ramírez-Arellano (Piper would find out her middle name someday, she swore it). She’d had a crush on her since the beginning of freshman year, which was now ending. When Piper noticed Reyna was staring at her, she shut her laptop frantically and tried desperately to look casual. A concoction of dread and excitement brewed in her stomach, along with the greasy pizza from lunch.

It wasn’t like she hadn’t talked to Reyna before, in fact, it was quite the opposite. They had talked just last week, during the Tuesday mock trial meeting. Together, they had absolutely decimated the defense lawyers and proved Laurel Victor guilty. More importantly, Piper discovered that not only did Reyna look good in her fencing gear, but she didn’t look half bad (read: gorgeous) in a suit, either.

“McLean.”

Their previous interactions didn’t prevent Piper from wanting gush about how the beauty mark under her eye made her look so distinguished. Or how the muscles in her upper arms looked like they were chiseled from marble. Or how her long eyelashes reminded Piper of a camel’s, which was a compliment.

“Ramírez-Arellano,” Piper said, hoping she sounded nonchalant. “That sounded cooler in my head.”

Reyna laughed, and it sounded like a marching band, which was also a compliment. “I imagine it did. You know you can call me Reyna, right?”

Piper’s heart fluttered like a bird that had just flown into a window. “Well, what else am I supposed to call you?” She asked with a sly smile.

“Sir, obviously,” Reyna deadpanned. “Jason calls me that. And Frank. Hazel, too. As they should.”

Piper giggled in a way that would keep her up at night thinking about how goofy it sounded. “Honestly, Reyna, I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

“And you’ll never know.”

“One of the greatest mysteries of my life. I shall be thinking about this when I’m old and grey. When I go to sleep, now and forevermore, my mind will return to this exact moment and ponder upon what you meant, my fair lady.”

Why couldn’t she channel that Shakespearean energy into her essay?

Reyna smiled, graceful, like a monarch. “I don’t know why you’d do that when you can just ask them.”

The blush returned (it never left) when the simple solution was brought to Piper’s attention. Wordlessly, she opened her phone and texted Jason.

Dorothy: JASON

Dorothy: JASON

Dorothy: i WILL keep saying this until you answer

Dorothy: JASON

Toto: You called?

Dorothy: nerd alert

Dorothy: anyways

Dorothy: what do you call Reyna?

Toto: …

Toto: I don’t want to say it

Dorothy: do you call her sir.

Toto: HOW DID YOU KNOW?

“Oh my gods,” Piper laughed, “he actually calls you that? Leo’s gonna have a field day with that one.” Instinctually, she opened a chat with Leo to break the news.

“When have I ever lied to you, my fair lady?”

Piper froze. In a way she hoped was smooth, she laughed it off. “I’ll never doubt you again, my dear,” she proclaimed, fluttering her eyelashes. Gods, maybe she was like Meg in that one scene from Hercules.

Reyna’s smile grew. “I’ll see you at mock trial next week, McLean.” She reached down, grabbing Piper’s hand, bringing into her lips and pressing her lips to the knuckles, effectively melting the other girl’s brain.

Piper sat and watched as Reyna descended the bleacher stairs, absentmindedly texting her dad to ask for pickup.

“Leo was right. I need to ask her out,” she whispered, “and I think I needed to do it, like, yesterday.”

[danggirlronpa]

Palestine Charity Stream

Edit: Due to router issues, the stream will take place Wednesday, not Tuesday! Sorry for the inconvenience!

Through this upcoming Tuesday Wednesday, to celebrate DanganWLWeek and make a small difference in the current humanitarian crisis, I'll be hosting a fundraiser in support of the Palestine Children's Relief Fund! The fundraiser is up and running right now, so you can donate it to it whenever you please - the earlier, the better! You can follow the link to donate directly to this fundraiser and have an impact on both the stream and the lives of kids suffering in Gaza.

The stream will be hosted on twitch.tv/pechebeche. It's been a long time since I've run a stream instead of just watching one, so it's still being set up! Please have patience if we run into any technological mishaps.

On this stream, I will be ranking and discussing F/F ships and characters in Danganronpa from the perspective of That One Lesbian Who Majored In Literary Analysis And Won't Shut Up About It. We'll talking about themes within the games, rare or often-forgotten content, and just plain ol' headcanons. We'll make sure to hit every single ship through this excellent tierlist by @catgirlchihiro!

At minimum, I'll be discussing every single F/F ship between THH characters and responding to any notes from donations. For each $50 we'll raise, we'll tack on another section! The following is the full list of stretch goals up to the current goal:

Base - THH F/F ships and everyone gets to hear what my voice sounds like! (It's not that impressive)

$50 - SDR2 F/F ships

$100 - NDRV3 F/F ships (and postcards giveaway!)

$150 - Komaru F/F ships, DR3 and spinoff F/F ships

$200 (Goal reached!) - Cross-game F/F ships (and Rantaro clearfile holder giveaway!)

$250+ - ???

$300 - Tsumioda keychain & stiff Kaemaki mini-print giveaways!

These donations don't have to be completed Sunday - you can donate at any time, including right now, and they'll still count towards the final amount! I'll also respond directly on stream to any notes you leave in the donations.

In addition, every time we hit $100, I'll do a giveaway of some merch from the recent Mochizuki Kei collaboration on this tumblr!:

Depending on how much we raise, the stretch goals themselves may take multiple streams so I don't lose my voice talking about girls for eight hours straight. However, any goal we reach WILL be completed by the end of the week, even if I have to stream a couple times! In addition, all stream VODs will remain on Twitch, and hopefully be posted to YouTube. Any donations after the first stream ends will still count towards the giveaways, but not the stream goals.

If you have any questions or offers to help, you are welcome to drop an ask in the inbox or to message through tumblr DMs! You can also e-mail me directly at danggirlronpa@gmail.com.

Even if you can't donate yourself, please do your best to boost this post! Regardless of the stream itself, if even one person sees this post and notices they can donate to the relief fund as a result, that's a win! (:

And if you came looking for my pinned post to find WLWeek rules and found this instead: the WLWeek information can be found here!

[orangerainforest]

drop your fav fics everrrr

*gasp* ANON ! okay i have so many but since you didnt give me a number and a category i'll just list down the ones that come to mind right at this moment.

to lure a hummingbird (you had me moonstruck) by @broken-beaks

Or: An enemies-to-lovers fic where Harry and Louis are neighbours who are forced to get along due to the inconvenience (or convenience) of a broken lift.

any thrill will do by @star55

It’s a Tuesday when Harry’s motorbike stops working. This is a catalyst for her entire life changing forever. She just doesn’t know it yet.

say something by @kingsofeverything

At fifty years old and recently divorced, Omega Harry Styles isn't interested in dating. When his doctor suggests a heat and rut matching service, he signs up out of necessity. It’s the only use he has for an Alpha in his life. Twenty-eight-year-old Alpha Louis Tomlinson aims to change that.

the changer and the changed by @homosociallyyours

It’s the spring of 1977 and Harry Styles has just moved to New York City after graduating college. She knows she’s a lesbian. She just needs to figure out how to meet other lesbians. Louis Tomlinson works at a popular women’s bookstore in the Lower East Side, Womon’s Direction, where she spends her days reading feminist literature, writing poetry, exchanging friendly barbs with her boss Niall, and dreaming of finding someone to love.

keep me closer by @zanniscaramouche

Louis expects Harry to react poorly, maybe even file a formal complaint and that’s gonna suck ass but Louis won’t say shit cause he knows he deserves it, so he prepares an apology before Harry’s even turned around. What he doesn’t expect is Harry to fucking drop.

lightning strikes twice by @dinosaursmate

Rock star Harry Styles was nineteen when he met Louis, a groupie with a huge heart that Harry couldn’t quite shake from his mind. Fate granted him a second chance at the age of sixty, his washed up and lonely existence being transformed by a widower with a bookshop.

bleeding love by @gaycousinlarry

Louis is an animal rights activist who throws red paint at fur coat wearing it-girl Harry Styles. Then there's a crack in the surface and something new starts bleeding through.

love in the dark by @brightgolden

Where Louis is an ambitious Advisor Council that is reluctant to find a mate, and his father takes the matter into his hand while Harry is the valedictorian in his kingdom destined for better things than an arranged marriage.

divinely blessed by @thinlinez

Alpha Harry prides himself on having the bravest and most caring omega who might or might not just fulfill his sudden curiosity.

soul of the sea by vurdoc

Louis lives a nomadic lifestyle. Never settling down in one place for long, he finds himself caught in a storm, as he’s passing through a small Scottish seaside town. Everywhere is full, except the old B&B perched up on an isolated hill near the coastline, where the recluse owner isn’t what he seems.

no chance at all by @lululawrence

Or the one where Louis just wants to drink good coffee and work on his homework in peace, but the alpha barista is charming to everyone but him, and that just pisses him off.

[bitter69uk]

Recently watched: Susan Tyrrell in Angel (1984) and Avenging Angel (1985). When I recently posted my birthday tribute to the hellraising whisky-voiced maverick “outsider actress” citing my favourite Tyrrell performances, multiple people demanded, “But what about Angel?” Somehow this one always eluded me. I vividly remember seeing the lurid newspaper ads for Angel as a teen, with its “High School Honour Student by Day. Hollywood Hooker by Night” tagline. Angel isn’t streaming on any legit platform in the UK – but it IS currently viewable on YouTube, so I finally watched this infamous grindhouse cult classick (sic) for the first time Friday night. And it’s a true trash epic! Like any self-respecting sexploitation flick, it finds any excuse for gratuitous female nudity (for no logical reason, the action keeps cutting to the girls' gym changing room). The language is notably filthy (the C U Next Tuesday word gets thrown around freely). All due regards to the leads (Donna Wilkes as plucky Molly aka Angel, Cliff Gorman as the gruff cop trying to save her from a serial killer, Rory Calhoun as a washed-up cowboy), but for me Tyrrell’s fire-breathing portrayal of butch, sewer-mouthed Solly Mosler dominates. Her acting choices here incorporate freaky asymmetrical scrawled-on eyebrows, broken reading glasses and a punk haircut. At full throttle she recalls Susan Lowe as Mole McHenry in John Waters’ Desperate Living (1977). As the AllMovie website concludes “the true entertainment comes from the supporting cast: Susan Tyrell and Dick Shawn steal every scene they are in as a lesbian landlady and drag queen duo who bicker like an old married couple. These performances are almost better than the movie deserves and thus keep it from being the usual b-movie fodder.” Sequel Avenging Angel is a lesser work (Betsy Russell, the actress who replaces Donna Wilkes, is fatally unengaging) but it has its moments. If anything, Tyrrell mugs even MORE furiously and is MORE abrasive this time. As always with Tyrrell, you wonder if anyone dared to direct her or did they just say: “Let SuSu do her thing and stay the hell out of her way.”

[injaws]

ella purnell, twenty-eight, she/her   ⟡   —   is that BONNIBEL 'BONNIE' AITKEN i just saw walking around kilmer’s cove? i heard they’re a RESIDENT who’s been here for TEN YEARS. it slipped my mind, since they just tend to hang out at THE CLIFFS. at face value, they’re said to be CURIOUS and EAGER, but i don’t know… some people have said they can be quite CLUELESS and CONDESCENDING. just don’t get on their bad side, i guess! don’t tell them i told you this, but i’ve heard they DO believe in all the ghost stories around town. who knows what the future holds for them! 

BASICS:

name: bonnibel althea aitken nicknames: bonnie (what she typically goes by) age: twenty-seven gender: cis woman pronouns: she/her sexuality: lesbian date & place of birth: december 19 in st andrews, scotland faceclaim: ella purnell occupation: local yearning woman, village weird girl, the ghost on the outskirts of town, unemployed friend on a tuesday notable characteristics: large, autistic eyes framed by long, almost white lashes, a seemingly permanent grin, an air of unease, a cooing scottish accent, wavy curls that resemble spun gold, for some reason constantly fucking barefoot?, where does she get all these flowing dresses? traits: melodramatic, whimsical, unsettling, kind, patronizing, spacey, generous, curious, nosy, emotional, tempestuous, spontaneous, well-meaning, obsessive similar to: effie trinket, phoebe buffay, luna lovegood, giselle (enchanted), jessica day, cassie ainsworth, ponyo (LMFAO), elspeth catton, cat valentine if they didn't give her a lobotomy

BACKGROUND:

coming soon <3

short n'sweet tldr: born to two very loving parents who have a lot of influence in the world; an old, old family with old, old money. grew up in scotland but came to kilmer many summers since she was a child due to some business her parents had in the town. a bit of a glass child, bonnie loved the lively town and the attention she'd get so much that when she finished high school she knew she wanted to live here <3 now lives on the edge of town in a huge, sprawling manor with overgrowing weeds (yk the vibes). weird, peculiar, and sweet thing with a smile that makes you feel vaguely unsettled; not a malevolent bone in her body (not consciously anyway) like people of her class generally are; goes into fugue states sometimes and will have to be brought back home or found somewhere on the beach, usually; loves people, though the way she expresses it is mildly uncomfortable and tends to seem as if she's talking to a pet (clueless annoying rich girl syndrome). endlessly loyal and a bit of a space case in the way only stupidly rich people can be. huge chatterbox. no pets, but she makes friends with the animals wherever she goes. cannot cook or clean or do literally anything. useless also in the way only rich people can be (she's a fucking great polo player and is really good at guessing caviar brands) 

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Alejandro Sanchez

Published: May 22, 2024

Following the Worldwide Day of Genital Autonomy earlier this month, Dr Alejandro Sanchez notes that while child rights continue to progress, boys at risk of non-therapeutic circumcision are being left behind.

Tuesday, May 7, marked the 12th annual Worldwide Day of Genital Autonomy (WWDOGA). WWDOGA commemorates the anniversary of a landmark ruling of Cologne's Landgericht (Court of Appeal), which on May 7 2012 held that religious circumcision of boys amounted to criminal battery.

The ruling was, unfortunately, not to last. Unwilling to be the only jurisdiction in the world to outlaw non-therapeutic circumcision (NTMC), the Bundestag, Germany's parliament, passed a resolution to explicitly legalise the practice. This was despite "the constitutionally protected legal positions of the well-being of the child, the right to bodily integrity, [and] the right to religious freedom".

Nevertheless, the ruling makes Cologne in some sense the spiritual vanguard of the genital autonomy movement.

Each year in the city, WWDOGA brings together doctors, lawyers and child rights advocates from across the globe to process through the streets in opposition to all forms of non-therapeutic childhood genital cutting: female genital mutilation (FGM), circumcision and intersex cutting. The day culminates in speeches in the old town square.

This year, Rubine Singh, of Cologne's intersex support group baraka, shared a moving story of being born intersex in India and being spared unnecessary genital surgery.

"I stand here today as a happy and lucky intersex person", Rubine said, adding: "I want to live in a world where it is not a matter of luck whether you face the knife."

Lilith Raza, of Germany's Lesbian and Gay Federation+, powerfully recounted being subjected to NTMC at the age of five without anaesthesia and pinned down by four people

For me, WWODGA serves as an opportunity to take stock on our work to end non-consensual religious and cultural circumcision. As I mentioned in my speech, it's been a busy year for the NSS on this front: We've lobbied MPs, met with medical organisations, made the case against circumcision before the UN Human Rights Committee in Geneva, and recruited prominent voices in cutting communities to support our campaign.

It also represents a chance to think about opportunities that lie ahead.

The Royal College of Paediatrics and Children's Health takes a permissive stance on NTMC. It defers to General Medical Council guidance which not only greenlights circumcision, but permits parents to "invite their religious adviser to be present during the procedure to give advice on how it should be performed to meet the requirements of their faith." (The mind boggles.)

However, the College's recent call for a legislative ban on "smacking, hitting, and slapping" a child will put its stance on NTMC to the test. Readers will reach their own conclusions on the wisdom of such a ban, but it would seem absurd to support criminalising a smack on the bottom while defending the 'right' to cut off part of a child's penis.

Meanwhile, Scotland has become the first nation in the UK to incorporate the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC) into domestic law. The UNCRC Act, due to come into force in July, will impose a duty on public bodies to act compatibly with the Convention.

Statutory guidance on the Act recognises "childhood is a special time which must have additional protections" and sets out a vision to make Scotland "the best place in the world to grow up". This vision is to be underpinned by the four 'General Principles' of the UNCRC: non-discrimination, the best interests of the child, the child's right to life and the child's right to be heard.

This is to be commended. There is, however, one snag: Scotland is also the only UK nation to provide ritual circumcision on its NHS. How will Bute House reconcile its lofty language on child rights with a state-sanctioned programme of infant genital cutting that nakedly violates all four General Principles?

For a solution, they need look no further than the 2016 recommendation of the Committee that oversees the CRC: "Ensure that no one is subjected to unnecessary medical or surgical treatment during infancy or childhood" and "guarantee bodily integrity, autonomy and self-determination to children concerned".

It is telling that in response the Scottish government laid out strategies to end FGM and intersex cutting, but remained silent on NTMC. The head in the sand approach is a tried-and-true one, and it's easy to feel that nothing will ever change.

As I said at WWDOGA, when it comes to circumcision: "the task is daunting and progress is slow, but we won't give up."

==

[ninja-muse]

March also felt like it took forever, which I think is due to spring break taking up half the month and work being therefore slow. And yet it feels like a good month, all the same. I got a good ways further with the novel I’m working on, at least for me, put my Easter tree up last weekend, and had a few productive Leaving The House adventures. And one that, while productive, was just kind of a crappy day, but that’s how these things go, I guess. The art show mostly made up for the rest of it. Also, there is now sunshine, some days! And the trees are blooming!

I also read a lot, as always, including one great book and a handful of pleasant surprises, and I managed to get rid of seven reading copies, which feels unusually high. Had a handful of duds too though, including three books that I was really, really hoping would be better, even if I mostly finished them. The dithering I predicted last month didn’t materialize, thank goodness, or at least it limited itself to hour-long bouts after I’d finished something.

About halfway through the month, I realized I’d only read female authors and I decided that hey, it’s Women’s History Month, why not see if I can get through the whole month with only female authors?! This did not happen, but only by accident. One of the books I picked up was actually by a Two-Spirit person, but I’m still counting the challenge completed because really, the goal was not to read men. It wasn’t a hard challenge for me, and might actually have made picking books a little easier, but it’s not something I want to do all that regularly. Maybe next March?

Of course, I’m cheating a little on the challenge because I’m, like, 12 pages into Episode Thirteen because I had to read something on my commute tonight and I didn’t want to wait any longer. I’ve had the book out from the library for a week and a half and it’s going to be due back in the same length of time. My system doesn’t issue fines for late books anymore, but I still like to return books when I’m supposed to.

Also on my TBR for this month: Amina Al-Sirafi, coming from the library on Tuesday, the company ARC for Tasting History by Max Miller, and We Don’t Lose Our Class Goldfish by Ryan Higgins because I was so good about Not Men that I didn’t even read picture books. Don’t have any other plans, but hopefully some of the books “in process” at the library actually go into the system. I’m first in line for most of them.

And now without further ado, in order of enjoyment…

Diary of a Misfit - Casey Parks

Shortly after Casey comes out to her family, she learns that her grandma grew up friends with a trans man. Her need to learn more about him brings her to a reckoning with her own family and childhood.

8.5/10

🏳️‍🌈 subject (trans man), 🏳️‍🌈 author

warning: homophobia, misgendering, rape, drug abuse, child abuse

The Magician’s Daughter - H.G. Parry

Biddy’s magical guardian is in trouble and she must leave her island home to protect him (and magic, generally).

7/10

warning: incarceration, mentions of torture

The Librarian of Burned Books - Brianna Labuskes

Three women in the ‘30s and ‘40s find their lives altered by censorship and war.

7/10

Jewish MC, 🏳️‍🌈 MCs (lesbian), Jewish secondary characters, 🏳️‍🌈 secondary characters (gay)

warning: Nazis

Lent - Jo Walton

Brother Girolamo wants only to bring Florence closer to God, but he’s hampered by something greater than any sin.

7/10

🏳️‍🌈 secondary character, 🇨🇦

League of Dragons - Naomi Novik

Napoleon is retreating across Russia but Laurence and Temeraire learn he has greater plans than a mere next stand.

7/10

British-Asian secondary character, 🏳️‍🌈 secondary character, disabled secondary character

Island Time - Georgia Clark

The laid-back Kellys and the on-the-go Lees are spending a weekend on a remote Australian island. Then a volcano erupts and they’re forced to confront themselves. Dramedy.

7/10

🏳️‍🌈 main characters (lesbian, bi, gender-questioning), fat main character, Chinese-American secondary characters, Indigenous Australian secondary character, 🏳️‍🌈 author, #ownvoices

Backpacking Through Bedlam - Seanan McGuire

Alice and Thomas have reunited but they’ve got a few more adventures to get through before their happy ending.

6/10

🏳️‍🌈 secondary characters (lesbian, sapphic), Korean-American secondary character, 🏳️‍🌈 author

A House With Good Bones - T. Kingfisher

Sam’s back home for a bit and Something Is Up with her mom. The surprise racist painting is just the beginning….

6.5/10

fat protagonist

warning: racism, some fat-shaming by bad people, bugs

A Man and His Cat, Vol. 2 - Umi Sakurai

The further adorable adventures of Kanda and Fukumaru.

6/10

Japanese cast, Japanese author, #ownvoices

The Keeper's Six - Kate Elliott

Esther’s son has been kidnapped. He’s also the local Keeper, important in the interdimensional network. Getting him back is going to be more complicated than expected.

7/10

Jewish main character, Jewish secondary characters, 🏳️‍🌈 secondary characters (phallic, non-human genderfluidity), Japanese and other East Asian secondary characters

warning: discussion of slavery and the trafficking of people

Tauhou - Kōtuku Titihuia Nuttall

A genre-blending look at Indigenous female resilience across continents and time.

5/10

Maori and Coast Salish cast, 🏳️‍🌈 characters (sapphic), Maori-Coast Salish author, #ownvoices, 🏳️‍🌈 author

warning: residential schools, racist systems, internalised fatphobia

British Columbiana - Josie Teed

An awkward millennial gets a winter internship in a gold rush ghost town.

5/10

🇨🇦

warning: racists, gaslighting, social anxiety

Picture Books

Quackers - Liz Wong

Quackers lives by a pond and all his friends are ducks, so he must be a duck too. Meow?

DNF

Shanghai Immortal - A.Y. Chao

Work for the King of Hell? Check. Thwart a jewel heist? Check. Babysit a mortal? Check. Or … not, if Lady Jing’s impulsiveness gets in the way. Out in October.

Chinese cast, Chinese-Canadian author, #ownvoices, 🇨🇦

Currently reading

The Secret Lives of Country Gentlemen - KJ Charles

The day after Gareth ruins his chances with a charming stranger, he finds himself elevated to an estate in the country. Unfortunately (or not), there’s a very familiar smuggler in the area.

🏳️‍🌈 protagonists (phallic)

Episode Thirteen - Craig DiLouie

A ghost hunting show gets to be the first to investigate the most haunted house in America.

🇨🇦

Stats

Monthly total: 12+1 Yearly total: 37/140 Queer books: 4 Authors of colour: 2 Books by women: 11 Authors outside the binary: 1 Canadian authors: 2 Off the TBR shelves: 4 Books hauled: 1 ARCs acquired: 5 ARCs unhauled: 7 DNFs: 1

January February

[thefifthnetwork]

Week 1: Flammable Hair Gel and a Talking Rabbit

For this first week, we only have one night of programming from The WB, as UPN didn't start until the 16th. Additionally, the second hour of The WB block was devoted to the first two episodes of Muscle, a short-lived soap opera parody that I'm unable to find any episodes of online, so we just have two sitcoms to start us off.

This is part of a project where I watch The WB and UPN on a 30 year delay. This is crossposted from my website, where you can find an interactive schedule for both networks, including where you can watch these shows today.

Wednesday January 11, 1995 The Wayans Bros. S1E01: "Goop-Hair-It-Is" - 8 PM on The WB

The first show to air on The WB was with The Wayans Bros., a sitcom about Shawn and Marlon Williams (played by the titular Shawn and Marlon Wayans), two brothers living in New York City. Also in the main cast are their diner-owning father (John Witherspoon) and Shawn's girlfriend Lisa (Lela Rochon).

The plot of this episode involves the brothers hosting an infomercial on public-access TV to sell a hair product called "Goop, Hair-It-Is" that Marlon created. They recruit Gary Coleman (appearing as himself) to be a celebrity endorsement [1] things seem to be going well until everyone's hair begins smoking [2] live on the air. Hijinks ensue.

Overall, a replacement-level sitcom episode, but it will be interesting to see how the show develops over its five seasons.

Unhappily Ever After S1E01: "Pilot" - 8:30 PM on The WB

Ron Leavitt co-created Married... with Children, which helped launch the Fox network, so it makes sense that The WB would go to him for one of their launch shows.

Unhappily Ever After is about Jack and Jennifer Malloy (Geoff Pierson and Stephanie Hodge), a couple in the process of divorcing, and their kids Ryan (Kevin Connolly), Tiffany (Nikki Cox), and Ross (Justin Berfield [3]). There's also a talking stuffed rabbit, Mr. Floppy [4].

I enjoyed this one more, though that may be partly due to this pilot better establishing its show's premise. There's a very 90s-misogyny/I-hate-my-wife vibe to it, but it also kinda felt like it was parodying those tropes? Maybe I'm giving it too much credit, but, overall the jokes landed with me. [5]

I did notice a prominent use of the r-slur by the rabbit in the end credits scene. I feel like that's the sort of thing I could keep a running counter for as I enter this world of nineties and aughts TV [6].

Muscle: "Episode 1" - 9 PM on The WB

Muscle: "Episode 2" - 9:30 PM on The WB

As I mentioned in the opening, I haven't been able to find any full episodes of this show online, so I'm not able to watch it. I did find the opening credits at least [7]. If anyone reading this knows of some source for it, please let me know.

That it for this week. UPN starts next week with programming on both Mondays and Tuesdays, and most of it is actually available in some form, plus we get one more WB sitcom added to the mix, so next week's schedule has a bit more for us to watch. See you then!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After Marlon kidnaps and then fails to recruit SNL-star Garrett Morris, also appearing as himself. ↩

Marlon reveals that the ingredients were Vaseline, bacon fat, and Drano. ↩

Didn't recognize him during the show, but he played Reese on Malcolm in the Middle ↩

Voiced by Bobcat Goldthwait and puppeted by Allan Trautman ↩

I particularly liked the bit where the kids are at school and Ryan asks whether "all the girls are lesbians" because he can't get a date. Having each girl he points at immediately cling to the girl next to her made it clear that the joke is that Ryan is an asshole, not anything homophobic. ↩

Transphobic jokes would be the other big one, but I didn't catch any in either sitcom episode I watched this week, so that's nice, I guess. ↩

Huh, Alan Ruck was in this ↩

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 2/27/2024

this is the longest ive ever been unemployed and media is only doing so much to beat back the horrors. so let’s talk about the media instead of the horrors

listening

Come Up For Air by We The Commas, off i think one of the autogenerated spotify indie mixes?

sort of a rollicking modern little surf rock thing, they describe themselves as "surf and alternate rhythm and blue" which is pretty bang on imo. they're all brothers (their last name genuinely is Comma, which i salute as a fellow weird last name haver), and cite john mayer (i don't really hear it) and the beach boys (yes i hear this very much) as some of their influences. a song i had on loop for an entire forty minute drive and did not get tired of. spotify

-

reading

three books that MUST go back to the library tomorrow bc their autorenew is up and i was emotionally unable to get a library card without tooling around and getting a stack of books a month ago.

thank you philip.

i really only liked the Carmilla adaptation by Amy Chu, bc it really gets at what i didn't realize was the heart of the original 1872 lesbian vampire novella: a toxic gay housing situation you have fallen into and can't get out of bc your area is so so so expensive and housing is so so so tenuous. i have read the original but not in a while, this is an excellent modern adaptation centering around a nyc social worker in the late seventies that presupposes no knowledge and intertwines the original novella in the form of a stolen rare book. (nonconsecutive pages)

i don't have much to say about the DC young adult comic about the circus career of one of the Robins (Dick Grayson). i didn't love the loose artstyle and am not in its intended age range plus it had a bit too much therapyspeak, but it did have a clever use of a very limited color palette.

let's yank the amazon description for the detective novel, which i grabbed bc it vaguely pinged something in my brain about one of the fallout 4 sidequests and i've picked books up for worse reasons (SPOILERS):

Jacob Rigolet, a soon-to-be former assistant to a wealthy art collector, looks up from his seat at an auction—his mother, former head librarian at the Halifax Free Library, is walking almost casually up the aisle. Before a stunned audience, she flings an open jar of black ink at master photographer Robert Capa’s “Death on a Leipzig Balcony.” Jacob’s police detective fiancée, Martha Crauchet, is assigned to the ensuing interrogation. 

i simply fucking hated this authorial style and tone and ditched it two chapters in. i don’t currently have the patience for reading about a clinically insane mother and hate crimes against Jewish people. despite the fairly dark premise, the first two chapters veer into cozy mystery with very short sentences, which do not a noir make. now, it does not advertise itself as noir or neo-noir, but as an homage to noir. it is for me unbearably smug. in my most unkind heart of hearts i want to say it's like if wes anderson tried to make a noir. this is a book that wants you to know it has read other noirs. yes thank you ive read several others, that’s why im reading this one, stop reminding me of better books i could be reading.

there's some weird descriptions of womens' bodies in here. chandler (my beloved) is certainly guilty of this as well, but he lavishes a sort of equal opportunity eye on the men in his mysteries. cf the infamous daniel lavery description.

when i read a chandler description of someone’s physical appearance there’s a fruity bisexual aftertaste in my mouth. Howard Norman, below, saying a woman takes great care of herself puts my hackles up. i understand the difference between an author and a character believing something and i don’t want to read a book where either the author or the character have this sort of pitying condescension towards a woman’s body. im feeling extremely terrible about my own body right now due to the various maladies, and another sort of breaking point for me is when an author repeatedly describes "naked breasts" (exact wording) pressing against someone's torso. it feels so juvenile. that's the sexiest thing you can possibly think of??? that's the sexiest way you can think of to describe an early mornign moment of intimacy???? augh i read the NYT review and it gets worse.

shut the FUCK up. i left my apartment at 1130 PM to go put this book in my CAR. i don't want it in my HOUSE.

-

watching

Bullitt (1968, dir. Yates, free on Tubi). the baddie in this is Robert Vaughn (who i know from cowboys), a guy i fucking love to see. i can take or leave Steve McQueen but he does such a killer job parallel parking in this movie and i wish all driving movies made their leads parallel park. shockingly realistic hospital, morgue, and police work scenes, apparently was one of the big films to popularize blood squibs. also love to see a haunted man splash water on his face and stare into a mirror.

if you asked me how long the famous car chase was i would have said like 2:30? substantial but snappy. no!!! eleven minutes!! (video a bit trimmed). also a rare movie that makes a foot chase through an airport as exciting as that eleven minute car chase!!!

the mob dodging plot was a little hard to follow, but i was operating on like four hours of sleep and a rum and coke. this has got to be a tremendous movie to watch when you’re home and sick on the couch huddled under a blanket. i mean this as a compliment, as someone who watches Escape from New York whenever i feel very sick

-

playing

really wanted to get to 69 shrines before writing this post and finally did it. all the little divine beasts walking along the loading screen are SO cute i've never gotten all four before

all the divine beasts are unlocked and the champions laid to rest! im feeling some type of way emotionally speaking about all of them telling link IMMEDIATELY that it wasn't his or zelda's fault they died

rudania has the worst boarding mission (in order of ones i most enjoyed it's camel [SO fast and SO fun], bird [lots of time to think and plan and aim], elephant [did not make me do a tedious stealth mission but i am bad at locking on to rapidly moving things behind me, much like in real life], and lizard. the lizard stealth mission is simply unpleasant). however, my brain really clicked with the puzzles in rudania: i had to consult a walkthrough once for an optional chest. in order of interior beast puzzle enjoyment for me it's lizard, bird, elephant, and camel. really got stuck for a long time on the waterwheels with the elephant before consulting a walkthrough.

the yiga clan stealth mission was not as hard as i thought it would be. i don't know why i put that off for two real life weeks but i will not learn my lesson and i will never improve. this boss battle was just silly.

the vah naboris interior puzzles were not fun. idk what it was about them or my brain that made me have such a bad time, but i spammed revali's gale and skipped a lot of chests bc i was not having fun. this is why god invented the walkthrough but sometimes. shit is just too fiddly.

i did succeed on the thunder ganon boss battle first try, but i came in with extra hearts from mipha's grace, used another mipha's grace in the fight, went through five fairies and seven hearty simmered fruits that were 5x durians (which gives you 20 extra hearts or some shit). fucking nightmare. i was stuck on one hit left on ganon for like five minutes bc he got stuck in the very fast flurry attack cycle. unpleasant. deeply grateful it only made me smack him with the magnesis pillar once bc that was also really fiddly with my poor reaction time + poor fine motor skills + previously mentioned ancient controller with some drift. in order of boss battle enjoyment i think it's lizard (made me think and kept me on my toes a little but i did have to look up how to break the shield), elephant (you can just kind of tank it), bird (same), and camel (extremely not fun).

this was WITH a fully upgraded gimp suit btw. that shit (ganon) just hits hard.

shrine shenanigans:

crowned beast very fun, i have one or two of kass' songs left and then i hope i get to see him back in rito village with his family??? a little nervous bc i went right to the jungle spring without hearing his song first so idk if that will. count??? or softlock me.

the MOUNDS of failed cooking attempts around this shrine on the grasslands side of the gerudo barrier mountains were SO funny.

unlocked all the spring shrines. what a fun mission. what a fun climb.

went to my FAVORITE shrine!!! going into what you think will be a normal cave and discovering it is DEEP with a BIG WHALE INSIDE is top three video game whale moments (the other two are diving with the whales in ABZU and meeting the last whale in the first dishonored).

other bits and bobs:

eggman rocks???

this quest was really cute and i wish there was a corresponding quest for the guy hanging around the broken heart pond, but it always makes me laugh whenever a dragon shows up in the background of a screenshot. a really great touching moment but watch out for the elemental orbs rapidly approaching us

also made me chortle. get it together barta.

i wish the helm was upgradable but i think making me kill a molduga in order to borrow it is a pretty fair trade actually.

-

making

i originally had a really long thing here about litterbox trials and tribulations but i have decided to spare you all. you're welcome.

many balcony improvements, including putting up trellises and installing bird spikes to hopefully keep a very persistent orange tom off my balcony and away from my girls.

there are a goofy number of obstacles in the way of me making a proper planting diagram (sketchbooks buried deep in closet. flung the seeds in a box on a shelf i need to find my stepstool for. can't find pencil sharpener) so for the second week in a row that's not happening. however, sprouts.

baby italian lettuce blend

bush beans in the front and cucumbers + sweet peas in the back.