#the last time I felt happiness was in January mid mouth surgery

[toughttt]

What drugs can I take to make me enjoy this

[vtmusicomp]

That Day

I’ve been doing mostly upbeat posts about our time together chronologically up to this point, but since this is glioblastoma day (at least the senate says so!) I wanted to go out of order and share what happened on that fateful day. It really all started in December of 2016. Grant had the flu. It was also around this time he told me he was having slight memory issues; specifically, that he would see people at work who weren’t a regular part of his team and he couldn’t remember their names. I admit to thinking nothing of this – he was turning 45 in January, and I teased him that he was having problems remembering things because of his advanced age. Sometimes I have trouble remembering things I could easily have recalled in my 20s, and I thought it was the same. Here’s a picture of us at BART in San Bruno from that time, on our way to see Primus at the Fox Theatre in Oakland, CA - NYE 2016.

A few days into the new year, he started feeling bad again. He went to urgent care and they told him he was probably just having lingering flu symptoms. He took a couple extra days off work to rest and seemed to get better.  I had scheduled time off on 1/19/17 and 1/20/17 to get an outpatient procedure done for my sinuses, so I was recuperating through the weekend and feeling mildly sorry for myself. Saturday 1/21/17 we went to IKEA because I was restless and we were still trying to add a couple small pieces for our condo we’d just bought in May. We went across the street for mid-day ablutions/a snack; I was talking to him about something inane, and he told me to hold on a minute. Then we just sat there in silence…after maybe couple minutes I asked him what was wrong, and he said he didn’t know. The way he described it was he got confused and needed a moment, but then he was himself again. It was such a short blip in the day that I didn’t think too much of it.

Sunday 1/22/17 we went to the mall in Woodland Hills to get birthday gifts for Naomi. While I was purchasing something, Grant went to get coffee from a kiosk. When I was done, I found him waiting for his drink. He told me he had a hard time ordering his coffee, that it took longer than it should and he had gotten confused. There was a lot of noise and activity in that section of the mall – there were children running around and parents yelling, also a couple dogs, in addition to the noise of the coffee kiosk itself – so I could see why that might have been distracting. Again, I didn’t pick up on anything out of the ordinary. We went home and relaxed for a couple hours, but I wanted to try this gastropub in Sherman Oaks we read about online. This picture is from his 45th birthday, on 1/8/17 at Chris and Anne’s house.

Dinner time rolled around and I decided to drive because I chose the place. Usually, he liked to drive us to dinner but we reversed roles that night – and it’s provident we did. I was turning to get on the freeway, and talking to him, when he again told me to hold on a minute. That minute stretched out into the entire length of the drive. At first, I thought maybe he was tired - he had been battling that flu and also had mentioned to me at some point over the weekend that his stomach hurt. I changed my mind and told him since he wasn’t feeling well, we shouldn’t be going out to some random bar we’d never been to before. I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go, but we were coming up on the exit to Van Nuys Blvd, so I got off and headed towards the Mendocino Farms next to Guitar Center in Sherman Oaks.

At this point, Grant had said nothing to me for a while, and I started asking him questions. I wanted to know what his stomach felt like – did he feel like he was going to throw up, was it a dull pain, was it localized in some area? I was thinking maybe he needed to get his appendix taken out or something. He would only grunt at me, which got me thinking maybe he was annoyed with me for asking him so many questions, so I shut up. I confess to being a little annoyed myself that he wasn’t communicating with me (I wish I could take that feeling back). Mendocino Farms is part of a larger structure with a parking garage and a couple different restaurants. I parked and asked him again if everything was ok. He got so frustrated he started talking to me, only what he was saying didn’t make any sense. He was using vowels and consonants but it was all gibberish.

Initially, I couldn’t figure out what was going on, because what was coming out of his mouth sounded so close to actual words, I thought my hearing was the problem. I didn’t always take good care of my ears in the early years of playing in a band; maybe I was losing my hearing. I told him I didn’t know what he was trying to say and asked him to repeat it. I asked if he was talking about the restaurant but he couldn’t tell me. He tried to get out of the car anyway, with the intention of going in to order something, but I stopped him.

I want to describe what this felt like but I’m not sure I have the right words. I got a chill that went right through my body. My head felt just a little faint and I couldn’t quite focus. I wondered if he was having a stroke, but his face didn’t look like it was drooping and he was able to operate all his limbs just fine. We sat there for only a few seconds more and I told him I thought maybe we should go to urgent care. I took Woodman to the Kaiser in Panorama City; it was dark out, raining and cold. The whole drive, he kept talking gibberish to me; and I kept telling him I didn’t understand him but that was ok. Every now and then he’d pepper an actual word in there, which made me think he was making sense and it was just me who couldn’t understand. So, I’d apologize and ask him to repeat himself, he’d respond, I would say I didn’t get it, and so on. It was a loop that went around and around.

When we got there, we went to urgent care first – my default. He had progressed to being able to put some words together – we were at half words, half gibberish. Of course, the intake desk at urgent care told us we should go to the emergency room. The ER is across a driveway in a separate building, so we walked over there in the rain under my umbrella. Someone was waiting to take us back – the urgent care folks had called ahead. Then it was this whirl of activity – four nurses and a doctor getting his vital signs, drawing blood, asking him questions he couldn’t answer because he still couldn’t quite talk. They took him for a CT scan about five minutes after we arrived, and then he was back in his ER bay ten minutes later. The whole time, a lady was screaming in the next room, and hilariously, I felt like I was in a horror film. I mean, turns out we both were, we just didn’t know it yet.

At first, they wouldn’t tell us what was wrong. Panorama City Kaiser doesn’t have neurology, so we did a video conference with the neurologist at the Sunset Kaiser – this was Dr. Guzman, and he would eventually become Grant’s neuro-oncologist. He asked Grant to identify pictures on a laminated sheet. Grant was able to get some of them right, but he couldn’t tell the doc what a cactus was, or a feather, or a chair. By this time, Grant was able to talk again, albeit not confidently, but he could at least form sentences and tell me things. I sent a text to Grant’s sister Kim, telling her what was going on and asking her to help me relay this to his parents, Larry and Connie. Shortly after that I was in touch with Connie, messaging her the little I knew about what was happening. She told us they were coming out first thing the next day and requested we keep them updated in the interim, no matter how late.

After the neuro guy was done, the ER nurses told Grant he was being transferred to the Sunset Kaiser. I was so confused by this point, and also so hungry, that I wanted to know if they’d let me pull up to the ER door so Grant wouldn’t have to walk back to the parking lot. No, Val, they’re transporting him by ambulance (duh). I wanted to ride with him, but I also didn’t want to leave the car behind in case we needed something, so I ended up following them on the freeway. The guy drove 55 the whole way – I’m sure the people behind us were thrilled! I could see the paramedics talking to Grant in the back of the ambulance. Later I learned this is when Grant learned there was a mass on the CT scan and that’s why he was being admitted.

When we got to Sunset, I figured it was going to take a bit before they got Grant settled; my phone was dying and my stomach was grumbling so I went to the Rite Aid on the corner of Hollywood and Vermont. I am never going to that Rite Aid again because I don’t want those memories. I bought the cheapest phone charger I could find and bag of Chex Mix, then I went to the hospital. Kim texted she was on her way and asked if we needed anything, but I wasn’t sure what to say. I found Grant in the ICU on the 6th floor just by the elevator. He was talking and laughing with the nurse. At this point he’d gotten most of his words back and was able to tell me what the paramedic told him. Even though I know he was worried about what they’d found on the scan, he was also feeling better because he was able to communicate again. He asked me to call Alicia and let her know what was happening – it was 11pm by then and I had to leave a voicemail. That’s probably the worst voicemail I’ve ever left a person. One last picture, this one of the first evening we went out after his surgery, wearing a hat Carrie knitted for him.

The week that followed was insanity – but I’m going to stop here for now. I hope this isn’t too much information; I know we told some of this story to different people in fits and starts, and I’m happy to be able to share it fully. He didn’t really want people to know much of what happened when it was happening, but he was so brave it’s almost not fair to NOT share it. He did so incredibly well; his will to keep going stayed strong despite all the challenges, and it remains inspirational to me. A better role model could not exist for this horrid disease. Thank you for reading.

[tessatechaitea]

Doom Patrol #4

This cover is trying too hard to be incomprehensible.

Death metal bands in the Doom Patrol universe seem to have a common theme.

• Lucius is a fifteen year old sorcerer who feels like a nobody and has Daddy and Mommy Issues! Sounds perfect for the Doom Patrol! • Meanwhile, Cliff and Larry have touched the face of N'ihil (or whatever the Lord of Negative Entity Land is called) and entered into the negative courtroom where they'll be tried for their negative crimes. Man, I would be so guilty of negative crimes! • Double meanwhile, Casey and Fugg have found themselves in Space Jail (Casey's words...although they probably would have been mine as well if she hadn't called it that so quickly). There they meet the Niles Caulder Robot that Niles Caulder made during last issue's Intermission (there won't be an Intermission this issue because I've already skipped it. Niles met a dog or something. Also, he was watching Casey through his robot's eyes). They also meet Ricardo, the friend of Danny's who has been searching for him so he can warn Danny that he's about to be invaded by an Evil Fast Food Franchise. They easily escape Space Jail using Casey's new powers which she luckily discovers just in time to escape. • Back at Negative Court, Larry Trainor pleads "Make me Negative Man again." And so the court is all, "Cool! Way to be a good guy! You're a true hero, unlike some ex-racecar drivers who hate to be called by their superhero alias and are constantly going on about not being able to have a normal life, one of which might be in this room and listening to me and rolling his robot eyes.

So every time he lets the Negative Spirit loose, he'll get an extra Picard lifetime?! Awesome!

• Back in Vectra Space Jail, Casey and company discover Danny the Ambulance hooked up to a meat grinder so all of the people living inside of him can instantly be turned into fast food hamburger when he expels them. Casey finally realizes that maybe she shouldn't be upset about the way Danny created her. Although I'm still upset about the way my mom and dad created me. How dare they! I could have remained nonexistent and happy! Well, maybe not happy, but ignorant of existential terror. Well, maybe not ignorant, as I would never have existed to feel anything whatsoever. My father wearing a condom on that particular Christmas morning would have been the greatest Christmas gift of all time! • To try to bond with Casey, Danny tells her about the last time he tried to evade evil people who would exploit him and how he was destroyed then as well. All that was left that time was Danny the Brick. And that brick was saved by...oh. Oh my. I'm having the tears.

My dear, dear Crazy Jane!

• I bet they completely drop the "crazy", society being the thing full of scolds that it is today. • Danny went on space adventures with Jane until one day, they met a person who was only a white silhouette in a red cape. That person befriended them...up to a point. Eventually the friendship ended the way all friendships tend to end: one friend bashes somebody's brains out with the other friend. After that, Danny lost touch with Jane. • Casey accepts her role as the hero Space Case so that she can save Danny the World. But to do that, they need to do a little bit of time traveling. That's because Danny the World has already become burgers. • After Casey drives Danny the Ambulance away through space, it is revealed that her current nemesis is Torminox! He was also created by Danny to be Space Case's archenemy. He doesn't seem to mind that Space Case is getting away and might stop the whole Evil Fast Food Franchise thing because he has some other plan up his sleeve. It's probably super complicated. It definitely involves a synthetic being! The Ranking! +1! This version of Doom Patrol has my full approval! Although that could change at any moment! I'm one fickle motherfucker.

[northernscruffycat]

2016 was a wild ride

I know that I'm later than most posting an entry about 2016, but I've been working a lot lately, so I haven't had time before now. But even so, there was just... so much that happened to me in 2016 that it would be a shame not to talk about it.

In general, no one needs me to tell them that 2016 was a sucky year. Between Brexit, Trump and a lot of awesome people sadly passing away, there's certainly a lot happened last year that I'm either upset about or that makes me nervous for the future.

But at the same time, a lot of change happened for me in 2016 that turned out to be good and I want to talk about that as well. Some of it might be things I've posted about in bits and pieces before, but I wanted to make a post covering everything as I can remember it. So here we go.

Either during December 2015 or January 2016 (my memory is fuzzy) I received news that the place I'd worked at for almost four years would be closing down. The decision came from higher than my manager and even he was in the same boat as the rest of us in regards to job loss. It wasn't a great surprise to any of us, we'd been expecting it for a while, but the news was sad and the way the company handled the situation was so poor that it left a bitter taste in all of our mouths.

Now, I'm someone who doesn't handle change very well and I'll be the first to say that. But after receiving that news I knew no good would come of me sitting around and moping about it. Even though I didn't feel very confident, I started to apply for other work in my local area. I was pleasantly surprised when a fair few places got back to me and in the end I got a job working in a similar location and job to what I had been before. It was nerve-wracking to start in a new place, but I'm pleased to say that it went well when I started.

This also brought about one of the biggest periods of realisation in my life. Between mid-January to the end of February 2016 I was working both at my old job and my new job for a while. This took up so much of my time that I had to go on hiatus from being online while it was happening. But honestly, this ended up being the best thing that I'd done for myself in years. It helped me to see where my Internet obsession had become harmful to me in places and also where I'd been ignoring aspects of my life away from the Internet that I shouldn't have been ignoring.

So after this time was over I'd come to the realisation that there was more than just my job that needed to change. I needed to make changes for the sake of my well-being, both physical and mental. I deserved to be happy.

I made several choices after this that helped me a lot, though honestly I'm still struggling to devote my free time between creating, being online and being there for my family. I think I'm doing better than I was before though. Quitting twitter was the best thing I could have done for myself, which came as a surprise, because I'd always thought that it was deviantART or tumblr that was causing me the problems. But no, it was twitter. Heck, anyone's relationship with a website is what they make of it and I'm not at all saying that twitter is bad, but my use of it was not helpful to me and I'm better off without. Other than that, I've been able to be there for my family more this year and even reconnect with family members who I'd grown distant with over the years. It felt good.

As for my health, there'd been so many elements of that I'd been ignoring for so long, but I made great strides in that all through last year as well. Please forgive me that I don't feel comfortable talking about my mental health publicly (though I can say that things are going well there now!), but I can talk about my physical health. During the summer I got my eyes tested for the first time and was able to get the glasses that I needed. Around the same time I went to a doctor and learned that one of the problems I had with my ears was down to an allergy to certain ingredients in shampoo, of all things, and have since been able to switch to a shampoo that doesn't set off my allergies. In December 2016 two big things happened. The first was that I was able to get further follow up about the problems with my ears (TMI warning if you find ear details gross) – it turns out that because my ears are much smaller than a normal person's, my ear canals are also much smaller, so for years my ears have been creating wax to an extent that it felt was fine and would be fine for a normal person, but was creating a problem for me. It means that I'll have to regularly get wax removed for probably the rest of my life, but I still feel better now that I know what the problem is. And the other thing that happened in December was that I went to hospital to have some oral surgery, to get a wisdom tooth removed that had grown in sideways and was causing all kinds of problems to the teeth next to it. I was very nervous, as I'd never been put to sleep before, and the pain afterwards lasted longer than usual due to the severity of the tooth's location, but in the end it turned out fine and I'm glad the problem tooth is now gone.

Back-tracking a little, in October 2016 some other amazing things happened. Now this is something I know I wrote about, but I want to mention it again. I met up with several great friends for a holiday we'd planned for a long time. First of all I travelled around Ireland with Gemma, Claire and Claire-Rose, then we all came to Northumberland, where we met up with Holly and travelled to different places there. It was one of the best times of my life and I'll remember it fondly for years to come.

Also around that time, just before I left for my holiday leave, I was taken aside by my manager and offered a promotion, which I accepted. This was huge for me! I'd never been working somewhere where being promoted was even something that could happen before, so to get promoted after only working there for 8-9 months felt amazing. I'm glad that I was able to give them faith that I could do this and since my promotion I've been doing what I can to learn everything I need to know about my new role. There's been some bumps in the road, some of which was outside of my control anyway, but I hope that I can do things okay in future.

I think that covers most of the main things that I wanted to talk about. What I mostly wanted to say was that after years of being miserable and letting myself be miserable, in 2016 I finally stood up and started doing what I needed to in order to make myself happy. It wasn't at all easy and I know that some choices I've made might have upset some people, but in the end I finally had to do what was best for me. And I'm still doing that. Getting into a better place isn't like flicking a switch and then it's done, I have to constantly maintain it – the work, my health, the time I make for my family, the time I make for creating stories, etc. But I hope that I can go into 2017 and improve even more on everything I've worked on in 2016.

If you're in the same situation than I was, then my advice to you would be don't give up! It's not easy to accept that something is wrong with you and it's even harder to do something about it when you do realise this, but let me tell you, the relief you'll feel afterwards is worth it. I'd highly recommend taking a long enough break from the Internet that you're able to then look at it objectively and realise what parts of your online time are causing you to feel bad. You're not forced to check a website, nor do you owe yourself to another person to keep doing so. Friendships are important, but you're important, too. The old saying that helped me was “Don't cut off bits of yourself to keep someone else whole, I'm seeing less and less of you.” If something has become toxic to you, even if no one intended it to, you absolutely have the right to back away from it in order to maintain your own well-being. And I wish you luck in that if you need to.

I should probably wrap this up by saying my immediate fanwork plans for 2017, since I owe it to you if you've read this far through my ramblings! Once my family have all gone back to their work and education obligations I'll have a bit more free time again, so there's a few things that I want to work on. In the near future I want to update all of my current multi-chapter fanfics with at least one new chapter. So that will be my Professor Layton fanfic, Grasping Liquid, and my two Free! fanfics, the Makoto's Dead AU, Moves Across the Land, and the SouMako Zombie AU, Trail Mix. Both of my Free! fanfics have set endings and aren't going to be too long, I don't think, so I hope to get them both finished in the not too distant future. As well as this, I have another Free! one-shot planned, set in the same AU as my fanfic Wish Upon a Dried Frog's Leg, which will be a prequel to that fic. For Grasping Liquid, I hope to get to the end of Act Five soon, then write the next side-story, which has the working title of A Butler's Lack of Influence. After that I'll finally be into Act Six, which I'm excited about, because there's so much in Act Six that I've been planning since the very start of the story and it's so strange to think I'm not far off from it after all this time.

Other than that, fanwork will come when it happens. I'm hoping to do more of the top tens I've been posting on my main tumblr, as they're a lot of fun and people seem to like them. And it'd be nice to make more fanwork for other series as well, though I don't want to bite off more than I can chew.

Anyway, thanks for sticking with me so far, however long or short you've been following me for, and I hope that your 2017 is filled with all the good things that you deserve!