#the lack of work days i get makes me feel shitty too cuz i feel like i’m a bad employee that’s why i don’t get any days

[filmcel]

my anxiety is coming back

[lowkeyremi]

Happy Birthday kenma x fem!reader

note: this is my first time writing real smut, i think. tell me what u guys think. i need feedback so i can get better. also had my friends proofread this for me, that's how anxious i am lol

Word count: 1.2k

CW: smut 18+, unprotected sex, P -> V sex, quickie, kissing, kenma is a whore and a lazy mf, reader has fem parts and is referred to as a girl, creampie, you pull his hair once, pet names.

divider cred: kithsune

"Ken! They're waiting for you what in the-" Your boyfriend, the birthday boy, is hurling you down the stairs... Into the little closet under the stairs to hide from his friends.

"I don't wanna hear Kuroo and Bokuto's shitty happy birthday singing." He mumbles quietly to you. Kuroo somehow has impeccable hearing. It's easy for him to pick your boyfriend out of a crowd with no problem.

"Oh come on Kenma, you listen to them sing every year. This one won't be any different." The closet provides no light and is stuffy. Even though you can't see your boyfriend you know there's a big pout on his face.

"Please.. it's so embarrassing. They always record it because they know I hate it." He grabs your hand, squeezing softly. His face is so close to yours you can feel his warm breath tickle your skin.

"Okay, then what do you suggest we do? They're gonna start looking for us soon. I'm sure the closet is kind of an obvious spot." One thing you'd never take into account when first dating Kenma was his sneakiness. So of course when you feel his hand slip up your shirt you gasp in shock.

"In the closet?" The disbelief in your voice caused a soft chuckle to escape the gamer's throat. You've watched him become more of a man every day, little by little. His deep voice reminds you of how in high school Kenma's voice was high pitched. He was the definition of puberty.

"Yeah, I haven't had you today because you've spent all day planning this dumb party. I think I'm ready for my birthday present."

He can't see you but he knows your body well enough to find those plush lips and plant a sloppy kiss on them. You meet his lips trying to match his slow pace. If you were being honest you wanted him too.. all day long.

His hands move from your tummy down to your ass, giving it a little squeeze. "I love your ass." He says opening his mouth while you continue to give him open-mouthed kisses along his pretty face.

"I think I can tell." You wrap your arms around his neck, placing little kisses on his neck. You know he likes it.

You're still unsure of doing this, mainly because all of Kenma's friends are not too far from the closet that has no lock on it. Things could easily go south. Kuroo would love to get in on the action if he were to find you guys, he has before.

A slim finger hooks onto your waistband and slowly pulls at it. "Quit being a tease. If we're doing this, then hurry up." Kenma only smirks at your sudden urgency.

Kenma closes the distance, his voice soft in your ear, "Calm down momma." He's playing dirty now.

He knows that nickname makes you fold. Every. Damn. Time. With your brain being slightly clouded he's able to take control.

You were suddenly grateful for the lack of light in the closet because you weren't planning to wear any cute panties until all the guests left.

He caresses your thigh, dragging out the growing arousal in your gut. There's most likely a wet spot on your panties right now.

"Is it bad I'm already hard?" His voice is hoarse even though you guys haven't done anything yet.

"Stop playing, touch me, Ken." You whine getting fed up with his incessant teasing.

"Okay, princess, whatever you want." Without wasting any time your panties are pulled down and two of Kenma's fingers find your dripping cunt.

He's quick to push his fingers in. It hurts just a little bit but the pain goes away as his fingers work you open. "Hah, so good cuz of my skillful gam-"

"Fuck- if you say your 'skillful gamer hands' I'm going to leave this closet." Kenma knows you won't leave the closet, not when he's fucking you so good with his fingers.

Your boyfriend continues at a quick pace. To stay upright you have one hand gripping his shoulder, while your other reaches to rub sloppy circles into your clit.

"So pretty when you touch yourself." He moans rather loudly. It takes him by surprise when you stop touching yourself to cover his mouth. Your juices get on his face.

"Shhhh. Your loud ass is gonna get us caught." Instead of listening to your warning, he tries to push you over the edge. His other hand finds your clit that you abandoned. You would think that his movement would be sloppy, but yet here he is being precise with the way he fucks you with his fingers.

This time around you let out a moan, not as loud as Kenma's. You've concluded that your boyfriend is kind of a slut for you.

Kenma knows that you're getting close. The way your breathing changes, the way you desperately clutch to him, the way you stumble on your words, he loves all of it.

"Getting close?" He teased.

You don't say anything- or more like you can't say anything. Pleasure clouds your mind. All you want is to cum.

"Hah- can't cum yet baby. 's my birthday." With that statement, he pulls his fingers out of your cunt to admire the slick on them.

The blonde pulls his cock free from those restraining pants of his. A small groan escapes those plush lips of his when he thumbs at his slit. And he doesn't warn you before entering your pussy.

You gasp rather loudly, his cock filling you up to the brim just the way you like it.

Kenma lets out the loudest moan ever when he feels your tight pussy squeeze him. You count about a minute before he starts to move.

His thrusts aren't calculated as usual. Kenma is a very smart person and weighs out his options before doing something, but when it comes to you, he always loses himself. He calls you the most dangerous weapon.

The grip you have on his shoulders is deadly. You decide to kiss him, only to shut up his loud moans.

Kenma continues at this uneven pace, fucking up into your dripping cunt. You move one hand into his hair to pull at it.

"Shit, Mommy- feels so good," Kenma whines into your ear and you melt on the spot.

Kenma feels you squeeze his cock more than you did before. Your eyes screw shut and you see white.

"I'm gonna-"

Kenma beats you to it by a few seconds. That pretty cock of his paints your insides white, not slowing down for a second. The sounds your bodies make slapping against each other are loud and obnoxious.

You're quick to cum after him, pleasure taking over your body, which almost gave out and it wasn't even crazy sex.

"Ken, we... we gotta hurry up. I'll go change and-"

Kenma finds your panties, and pulls them back up, a sinister smile growing. "Be good mama, don't let them know what we were doing."

"You don't expect me to go out there full of-"

"Hell yeah, I do." He pulls his boxers and pants up.

In the closet, he grabs your hand while leading you out.

end note: idk how to feel abt this.. ik its my first time. but i still dont like it lol. tell me what u think

[itgomyway]

former limiting beliefs i used to hold and how i let them go ♡

(disclaimer: these are based off of my own experience! share yours on your own blog 🥰)

“the 3d HAS to reflect the 4d just understand you have it in your 4d no matter what.” um there is no separation between the 3d and 4d when you are already 1 being (consciousness). theres no need to live in a separate entity known as imagination when its the same as the “3d” anyways. the concepts of “imagination” “physical world” or “3d” are just false forms of consciousness youve made up and personified it as real. they are not. only you are.

“the more you repeat your affirmations the more likely they will come” theres nothing to “do” or say that will bring me my desires since i am everything i already am my desires. the idea of “doing” anything to “get something” outside of me doesnt make sense when its all in me. affirmations can be used to “bring things to your awareness” but understand the affirmations themselves are STILL not bringing you anyway. just making you aware of things.

“dont check the 3d! you’ll be in a state of lack/showing yourself you dont have it!” PLS GIVE ME A BREAK?? why the fuck are you telling urself you are with someone but afraid to check their socials or for their notifications? either date someone u like or you dont think you have it. because lets be honest. if you really were in a relationship with your desired person the idea of “checking the 3d”- which u already claim IS your 4d- shouldnt be an issue. and if it is then something aint right but i wont judge!

“youre in a state of neutrality if you dont care ab not getting your desires and you dont have them” damn yall strict asf. you cant even be indifferent without it meaning something. you either have it or you dont. if im indifférent its bc i have it why stress? fucking decide already

“neville taught ab non dualism!” here we go. then why tf did you misinterpret his words like that and make it sound obnoxious? i believe he did, just like his teacher, teach non dualism (the power of awareness by him is great) but his teachings are a far cry from the nonsense most of you spew in his name. and dont even get me started on how neville used to refer to the law of assumption as the “law of consciousness” but i digress. if you separate yourself or any aspects of being then it isnt non dualism.*

going into my next point “you HAVE to read source to understand!!” i am so glad most of the law of assumption community is breaking free from this mindset cuz you infact do not HAVE to read anything. if you are the operant (main) power doesnt this mean you are your own source? oh i thought so…

“work on your self concept to manifest your sp if you dont have them your sc is shitty” well it wasnt shitty til you told me i had work to do 💀. once again there is NOTHING you need to do but “be”. working on your sc can help u feel better ab yourself for sure but its not required!

for supposedly limitless beings, a lot of yall are very limited. be careful who you get your advice from because personally i wouldnt take after someone whos too scared to text their sp- oops i mean significant other. (disclaimer: once again not bashing loa just the users who can’t decide that they believe and switch every other day. very common on law of assumption twitter!)

if you realize youve been limiting yourself this whole time and now youre like “what now-“ well as ive stated before, theres STILL nothing you need to do. youre not missing anything. this isnt a blog on why you dont have your desires, i cant tell you the answer im not your creator. (you also are everything so you in fact have your desires)

like non dualism, i hope to share this way of life with you as you’re not getting anything so theres no need for limitations. LIVE YOUR LIFE. if someone is advising you to fear your own power then ignore them cuz wtf! life is suppose to be fun not a rule book!

*disclaimer: i have nothing against neville goddard. i really like some of his teachings. however i would never go to one of his living students for advice, ESPECIALLY on twitter. not only do most parrot the same limiting beliefs he himself didnt hold, but most are obnoxious about the topic of the law of assumption. i don’t even “manifest” but if i were trying to and had them to go to I’d probably cry. if you really wish to read “source”, read The Power Of Awareness by Neville Goddard and Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle 💜 learn from the teachers themselves FIRST <3

© itgomyway

[the1975attheirverybest]

Maybe a blurb on the reader dealing with a depressive episode and matty starting pay attention to the signs (apathy, lack of eating, etc) if that’s like too much that’s totally cool tho :D

-🥳

Sea Peach

A/N: This one shot is partially inspired by the song "Smoochie" by Father John Misty. Also, as someone who struggles with quite severe depression, this was emotional to write. please read the warnings and exercise caution.

Warnings: mentions of mental illness, depictions of depression symptoms, and not in a pretty way cuz I never wanna romanticize this shit. so it's okay if you choose to skip this one. Take care of yourselves.

---

She grimaced and shifted on the couch when she heard the house door suddenly open and slam shut. Feeling a wave of frustration wash over her before Matty had even made it all the way inside, she turned to face away from the door, laying on her side, back to the entryway, and balling herself into the fetal position.

She tensed up when the smell of his aftershave and the cigarette he'd brought with him invaded her senses, the mixed scent making the knot in her stomach tighten.

Matty furrowed his brows at the sight of her, barely visible underneath the blanket, her arms wrapped around herself protectively, her face hidden from him. He exhaled, the cigarettes smoke forming a cloud in front of his face. "Baby? have you been sat here since I left?"

His question was out of concern. Legitimate concern, too, since it had been over six hours since he'd left her on that couch. To her, though, the mere sound of his voice irritated her like nails on a chalkboard. She sighed and rolled her eyes, not that Matty could see her.

She heard the sound of his footsteps getting closer behind her, then she felt him sit by her, on the edge of the couch, and place a gentle hand on her shoulder. She was stiff as a log of wood under his touch. The voice inside her head silently screaming for him to go away. leavemealone, leavemealone, leavemealone, leavemealone, leavemealone!!! she chanted in her mind, getting increasingly agitated.

"Honey, can you hear me? Everythin' alright?" Matty put out his cigarette in the ashtray on the nearby coffee table, deciding to focus his attention entirely on her.

"Leave me alone, Matty!" she finally spoke, her voice sounding far away, and shrugged his arm off of her shoulder.

Matty was taken aback. She sounded stone cold. They'd barely exchanged two words all day. He'd write it off as her being distracted by work earlier, but right now, judging by her current position, he felt it was obviously something more serious.

"Darlin,' are you ill? have- have I....done something to upset you?"

Finally, she turned around to face him, "Just go away! I said leave me the fuck alone!"

Matty was stunned into momentary silence. Not as much by her loud, sharp tone, but by the dead look in her eyes as she yelled. He swallowed, clearing his throat and slowly backing away from the couch. 'Alright, christ! there's no reason to be shitty about it." he muttered under his breath.

"I just want some space, is that so hard to understand?" She kicked the blanket off her body, sitting up.

"Thought I'd given you six hours worth of space already, but alright, I'll leave you alone..." Matty turned around to face the exit.

"Don't bother. I'm going upstairs." she sprinted past him, leaving the room and climbing the stairs, without even sparing him a side glance or looking back.

***

Matty crossed his brows, reaching over for the remote and turning the TV off. he hadn't been following along with the plot of the film, anyway. He'd mainly turned it on for some comforting background noise, but it had done the exact opposite.

He couldn't, for the life of him, figure out what he'd done wrong. He'd gone over their recent interactions in his head, several times, trying to figure out if he'd upset her in some way, but he came up blank. He wondered if two hours was enough "space," if she'd be willing to talk right now. There was only one way to find out.

Matty went upstairs and headed for her home office. He stood in the doorway, flicking the light switch on. She wasn't in there, but what was in there surprised him.

***

She clutched onto the tear-drenched comforting, another silent sob painfully ripping through her as she listened to the sounds of Matty's footsteps coming upstairs, and then going back down, without coming to see her. She knew it was her fault and she felt like a complete monster for the way she'd spoken to him earlier. All he was trying to do was be a good partner. But, the way she'd reacted certainly sent a clear message that she didn't want him to. When the truth is, she did. She needed him right now. She longed to apologize, to ask for his help, but she knew he'd be better off without her. She didn't want to bring him down with her nonsense or burden him with her troubles. He was finally in the best place of his life; mentally, personally, and professionally. He was full of life and energy and a lot depended on his being free and able to come and go as he pleased. Making him worry about her would only hold him back. She didn't want to be the anchor dragging him down. She'd done enough damage already. He can't know. She needs to keep this to herself, get out of his way, and hope to god that she can push through the darkness by herself so she can even begin to repair things with Matty eventually.

The only comfort she currently had was Matty's pillow. She grabbed on to it, hugging it, tightly, to her chest and breathing in his scent, hot tears running down her face.

She had no idea how long she'd stayed that way before she'd cried herself to sleep. When she woke up, she was sweaty, disoriented, and extremely thirsty. She sat up in bed, her heart aching at the sight of Matty's empty side of the bed. feeling around the nightstand for her phone, she squinted her eyes, adjusting to the light immolating from the screen.

She jumped, startled at the sudden sound of the bedroom door opening. Matty walked in, a full tray of food in his hands. He smiled softly at her when their eyes met. "Hi, my love." he whispered. "Can we talk?"

the words "my love" were like daggers to her heart. how could he still love her with the way she'd been acting lately? Tears threatened to spill again, but she pressed her tongue to the roof of her mouth, looking up at the ceiling to stop from crying. "s-" she cleared her dry throat. "sure"

Matty set the tray of food down on the nightstand, grabbing the water bottle that he'd filled up for her, and climbing onto the bed. "You probably need this" he handed her the water. She took it silently and gulped down the majority of it, making him smile.

"Babe, you've been crying..." Matty noticed.

She was too choked up to speak, afraid her voice and tears would betray her, so she looked down at the duvet, shaking her head.

Matty clearly saw right through her, pulling her in for a hug. "I'm so sorry, baby. I should've noticed sooner. I'm so sorry..." he whispered in her ear, kissing her hair as she sobbed into him. "I haven't been around, lately, have I? Left you to deal with all this on your own. I'm such an idiot, I really should've noticed earlier...."

When she was finally able to string together a sentence, she looked up at him, "don't- don't say that. It's not your fault, okay? It's mine....I've been such a piece of shit lately, I-"

"No, you haven't. Don't say that!"

"Matty, I yelled at you, pushed you away! Haven't retired your kind words in days. How could you-"

"You're depressed." he cut her off, wiping her streaming tears away with his thumb.

"The irritability, mood swings, the insomnia, lack of appetite, lethargy, sorry, baby, but you also smell a bit...hygiene issues." he laughed when she looked mortified and attempted to pull away from him. "Where do you think you're goin," he wrapped his arm around her again, pulling her back in. "I've been there myself. Countless times. Shoulda recognized it on you. But I haven't been paying attention. I've hardly been at home. Wasn't until I went into your office and saw that you hadn't cleaned it out in ages that...it all hit me."

She wished the ground would split open and swallow her whole. "I'm so gross. so disgusting. Not even trying to take care of myself, let alone-"

"Hey, shut the fuck up, will you?" Matty giggled. "Sorry, that was a bit much." He kissed her cheek. "You're not disgusting. You're MENTALLY ILL." he paused for dramatic effect, then felt bad. "Sorry, again, a bit much. didn't mean it like a judgmental thing...just an observation."

She simply shrugged, averting her eyes in shame.

"Hey," Matty tilted her chin up with his thumb and index finger, dipping his own head down to meet her eyes. "It's okay. I'm here now. I'm gonna take care of you, okay?... baby, don't cry," He kissed her lips.

Her eyes fluttered shut, tears ran down her face.

***

"I'm so sorry, Matty. For how I've been acting...for not talking to you about it..."

"S not y'fault. You can't control these things sometimes. I get it. I've definitely done worse when I'm in your position." He took her hand in his, kissing it softly. "You know what you can control though? your meal schedule. Go, on, eat something." He reached over to the tray of snacks he'd brought her and picked up a fruit bowl, handing it to her.

"Baby, thank you, I really appreciate you making this for me, but- I just- the very idea of food makes me nauseous."

Matty's scrutinizing gaze watched her carefully for a moment. "Very well, then, perhaps the medley of fruits is overwhelming. Just eat the tangerine."

She eyed the fruit in question skeptically, the image of herself eating it wasn't at all appealing. "Don't want any tangerine." she pouted.

"That's okay! That's actually not a tangerine, it's a sea peach."

She erupted into a chuckle, looking at him with confusion. "A what now? A sea peach! get it...cuz the word 'tangerine' comes from 'tangier'....the seaport from Morocco?" He grinned, the sight of her laughter healing a piece of his heart.

"Only you would know that!"

"Listen, if you eat the sea peach, I'll help you take a shower and clean out your office. Maybe we can hang out after? just the two of us? If you feel up to it?"

[depressed-teacup-inc]

Prepare for trouble and make it double

That’s right people I’m posting two episode discussion posts today, it’s Perfection time! for context this is episode 12 (so while there is a time skip from exaltation, it’s shorter)

So Marinette is now again trying to confess to Adrien with all her friends’ help because in 3 episodes, marinette went from screaming that she loves chat Noir and that she wants him and just him, to now moping over chat noir a bit and going to confess to Adrien.

…wow it’s almost like marinette used Chat Noir and being Ladybug as a distraction from not being able to obsess over Adrien and acknowledge that her mistakes were not love or because of Adrien, but because of her shitty communication skills and lack of trusting chat noir and treating him as an equal. WHO WOULD HAVE THUNK IT?!

Anyways in her entire melodrama that involves cows (I shit you not) Marinette decides that because she didn’t confess to Adrien when Kagami helped her, she can’t talk to her at all until she confesses.

…because it’s not like there’s a whole bunch of other people who were constantly helping her too that she was more then ok to talk to, and that this specific isolating and ignoring Kagami could possible be hurtful or just be because marinette didn’t feel like having someone blunt and honest tell her that she’s being an idiot, not at all why would that be the case!

For context, this feels less like a misunderstanding, and more like marinette just wanted people to constantly tell her she’s ok and to take her time, and that Kagami didn’t fit that, so time to ignore her for days and lie to her!

So marinette does that, and Kagami is clearly hurt because anyone would be fucking hurt when they’re treated like this and lied to, which brings me to… the friendship test.

Listen this episode again tried to pin this entire thing and marinette being a dumbass on Lila because”OHhHhHh SHes EViL” and claim that Lila simply manipulated Kagami into believing marinette isn’t reliable or a good friend in order to make Marinette’s life suck.

Cuz it’s not like marinette has a history of trying to humiliate Kagami publicly and hurt her in an effort to make sure Adrien wouldn’t want to date her or something?! Even if Lila wasn’t involved, Marinette’s behavior is shitty either way! Marinette always treated Kagami as either a rival that needed to be eliminated or as a tool in order to get comfort and push Adrien on when she doesn’t feel like facing her own flaws and behaviors!

And about the list… listen people’s requirements if friendship and boundaries are different. I can’t tell people what would make a good or a bad friend because people are different! Some people need the constant assurance that they’re doing well because they’re insecure and struggle with comprehending the fact people can possibly care for them without them doing anything, and some people need space to be able to recharge and work through things on their own

I can’t tell you whether that list is “ridiculous” or not because some people might find these requirements (picking up the phone when you call, being honest and direct about problems) as silly, while others would find these the basic necessities of friendship.

What I can say that in this situation, where marinette had a history of abandoning Kagami and gossiping about her with Alya, and humiliating her, the very fact Kagami doesn’t instantly not trust marinette shows how low her standards are for friendship. If I was friends with such a person and extended to them such a second chance, only to see them repeat their behavior, lie and gossip about things that they don’t want you to hear, and ghost you for days on end? Yeah I would be hurt as fuck and never trust that person again.

Anyways the day is saved because “ladybug always has an answerrrr”, Kagami gets cheering (she deserves it, still salty no one ever cheers for Chat Noir), marinette apologizes for Kagami before making Kagami’s struggle about herself and confessing to Adrien (great friend you guys), and Adrien…

Well beyond the serious lack of screentime, I will say I appreciate him being direct about his emotions. Like Kagami said, he’s taking action of his own life and I’m proud of him for that.

The song was a little dramatic (I love an over-the-top romantic fool) and I will say the entire lyrics about how Adrien doesn’t need a grand gesture or even needs marinette to do anything because he knows they love each other is sweet, but considering the history of this relationship is a little tainted and awkward.

Btw Luka should be paid for dealing with this show, and he’s still the sweetest for helping Adrien write a song and letting him play it (WHY IS HIM HELPING ADRIEN MAKE THIS SONG SOMEHOW MORE ROMANTIC THEN THE ENTIRE LOVE SQUARE?!) and I’m still so upset he got pushed back to ultimate background character after his role was complete

And also Kagami’s mom beat up Gabriel I’m so proud of her (she may be a villain, but she’s a mom first and foremost)

[wayfayrr]

Hello! U may not know me but I just realized my shitty classmate used my acc to unfollow u💀 I WAS WONDERING WHY I DIDN'T GET ANY NOTIF FROM YOU THIS WEEKT-T Also I noticed a lot of ppl encouraging u after the hate anon ask kudos to everyone for that⭐ and it may be my groupmate who sent it (she boasts a lot about how popular she is on LoZ side of tumblr fyi she's not😶) At first I thought it was far fetched but she was on my tumblr a few days ago and rn I'm sitting right beside her rn and I saw ur acc pop up and she typing smth mad FAST as we speak idk what it is but I rlly hope it isn't her because we doing our research(lost a lot of sleep cuz she keeps giving me all the work from the introduction to the research instrument and yes even the rrl) I don't wanna lose my temper at her rn while I'm lacking sleep the only times we'd talk is when we're doing our research I didn't think she was this petty

Apologies in advance for my improper grammar(?) English isn't my first language

Anon thank you so much for the extra context, I hope it's not what happened but seeing as I got another ask from who I can assume is that anon immediately before getting this one.

I had already come to the conclusion that the person who was sending these asks was doing it out of jealousy however to get more context that it (if this is the same person anyway, however the coincidence feels too much)

I would like to know what blog they run simply so that I can block them and they no longer have to worry about seeing my content if it bothers them so, since they apparently lack the ability to do it themselves <3 However I also understand that that could be a breach of privacy if their blog is infact a smaller one.

Hopefully nothing else will come of this and whoever the other anon was will stop pestering others about simply creating things for something that they enjoy.

And I hope she'll pull her weight in the group project too :c Those projects already suck but if you're stuck with other people it simply makes it worse

[skadream]

happy ummm 8th month on t? (9th if i were actually on t continuously but i ran out for a month that one time) i used to do monthly t updates on tiktok but i dont rlly feel like doing that rn so i'll yap about it here (its actually wild how little stuff i have about my transition on my tumblr generally speaking? as if this isnt the website that transed my gender in the first place)

it really is hard to notice such gradual changes from month to month, especially if its just me lookin at myself, compared to seeing a doctor in person which, i am getting rx'd T thru telehealth currently as my nearest planned parenthood or even a neighboring one does not actually do gender affirming care which is. insane and whack. esp when i do live in a pretty populated county maybe second or third to nyc and albany area. and i have to call in to a pp THREE HOURS BY TRANSIT from me. but like, its been working for now ok!

mentally and emotionally ive been very up and down overall but i think thats largely due to my medication changes rather than hormones. ALTHOUGH. when i ran out for a month in november and my period came back... dude it was so horrible like genuinely the worst period of my life. its one of those things where i didnt realize just how dysphoric something could make me feel until i had a taste of being able to alleviate said dysphoria. so mentally speaking testosterone is probably pulling the mental train even more than the wellbutrin lol. and im trying not to account too much for circumstance/environment cuz like OBVIOUSLY if things were going smoothly for me there a lot of my emotional issues would be at least somewhat relieved, but im working with what i got.

physically, since starting t in july i have lost weight. at first i was very scared it was my medication, and i think a part of it was at least a little, like two of my meds can cause some weight loss, but i am no longer losing weight in a concerning way but just yknow the regular amount of daily fluctuation. so i do think a lot of my weight loss was due to hormones just shifting around my fat and all that, or something idk lol. everyones so diff with hormones, i know some trans guys gain weight on t and not necessarily from muscle training, i know girls on e who have lost weight without any changes to diet or exercise, it really depends so as always, this is just my experience etc etc

i do have more facial hair but its still quite patchy, i think i might start filling in my stache tho. with my shitty goatee, its not my fav so i shave it off when im not just sitting inside all day, but also idk it makes my chin feel less. round. or smth. i do always think of my one friend telling me ill look like the lead singer of a nü metal band and honestly maybe i should start giving that energy more anyway! embrace goatee lifestyle!

oh yeah my voice dropped in like the first two months and has gotten deeper since, and on timtom i talked a lot about wanting to maintain the vocal range i had pre-t? i dont think thats fully possible like i think the highest notes i used to reach are just inaccessible to me, but i think if i did some like vocal singing warmups i can get back up to reach those higher notes. in retrospect the way ive sung my whole life has actually prob been destructive on my voice, partly from lack of proper training and partly intentionally trying to sound deeper and more gravelly, but now that i can access deeper sounds more naturally i really do wanna work on singing in a better way where i can reach some of those notes.

overall yea im liking whats happening so far, i do wish it was happening faster but i understand that some people dont get the progress ive gotten for like, YEARS, and new progressions will be happening to me for years after today. if you think about "real" puberty, it is a gradual shift its not like you suddenly grow a chest as soon as you Bleed or whatever its different for literally every person and since im the only one in my family that i know of who has done this, im kind of a guinea pig. but like im okay with that! anyway yeah really recommrnd testosterone if u want it i like it :)

[otakween]

0-Sen Hayato - Volume 3

It feels like it took me a whole year to get through this one lol. It's boring, but not the worst thing I've ever read. Sometimes something spicy will happen (like someone dying or the romance side plot inches forward) and that's enough to keep me going.

Ch. 23

-In this chapter the gang tries to blow off some steam by goofing off and dancing (and getting drunk) but then their superior's superior comes in and chews them out. Hayato and Ishikawa get exiled (?) and sent to the jungle where they run into "a ghost." Meanwhile, the Americans plot their attack.

Ch. 24

-Hayato and Ishikawa find Ishiki in the woods wounded and bring him back to camp despite being exiled. Ishiki warns them about the encroaching enemy and then we cut to some sort of D-Day-esque scenario on the beach. The squad isn't allowed to participate in the battle because their territory is the skies, so they just watch on.

Ch. 25

-The boys continue to scramble to kill themselves for their country and for glory...this is seriously the least relatable thing I've ever read lol

-I don't really get how war works. If the air force can just attack the people on the ground, why didn't they just always do that? Lack of resources maybe? It kinda seems like an OP tactic...

Ch. 26

-This chapter was WILD. Hayato convinces the gang to kill a bunch of monitor lizards and dump their blood in the ocean. Then when the bad guys (Americans probably) attempted to storm the beach a bunch of sharks gathered and ate them all. That's wacky enough, but then they said that 10,000 soldiers were eaten!? Wtf...not possible. (I googled this and apparently there was a WWII incident where an American ship sank and 890 people were left in shark infested waters, probably the closest thing irl to this manga's ridiculousness).

-This manga has an anti-kamikaze stance, but it also shows its heroes as constantly ready and eager to die for Japan so...mixed signals.

Ch. 27

-I kinda liked this one, at least we got to meet Ishiki's sister (now a nurse). Of course everyone instantly has a crush on her because they're women-starved

-Wtf was up with the "muu" grass? It was strangely magical, like a tentacle monster? I guess since the last chapter jumped the shark (hehe) they feel like they can get away with this magical realism BS.

-Ishiki is WAY too committed to his rival bit. Someone needs to smack some common sense into him before he gets himself killed for real.

Ch. 28

-Ishiki continues to act recklessly, but I guess he's just getting away with it for now? Not sure if he just figured out how to compensate for his bad eye or if he got lucky and something bad will happen in the future...

-I think Hayato's dad just died? Hard for me to tell cuz all middle aged men look identical to me. Hayato did say "I sense a disturbance in the force" (paraphrasing). So I'm probably right. That seems like a pretty major character death for this series so I was a little taken aback!

Ch. 29

-Okay phew, I got it right. In this chapter Hayato finds out about his father's death and inherits his plane and katana. I thought the emotion of it all was handled pretty well without going into any melodrama. Since soldiers sign up knowing they might die (especially Japanese soldiers in WII) they'll probably react more stoically to that kind of news.

-We find out that it was the King Satan airplane that shot down Hayato's dad, because of course it was. Gotta give more fuel to the silly rivals plot. Ishiki acts like a douchebag again and is like "sorry about your dad, but I'm gonna make this about ME" lol. At least I can laugh at how cartoonishly shitty he is.

Ch. 30

-Hayato tries to figure out how to operate his Dad's plane which is "different from other Zero airplanes" (or whatever you call those in English). I didn't really get what he was saying about it, but I figured I probably wouldn't get it in English either so it's fine lol

-We get to see the nurse girls again which is always nice. The chubby one with braids is adorable. Of course they made each girl have a crush on their male counterpart (chubby girl likes chubby guy, skinny girl with a hooked nose likes the dude with a hooked nose, etc.) Whatever, there's so little body diversity in anime girls nowadays that seeing this lil bit of variety is refreshing.

Ch. 31

-The Bakufuutai's rival squad (the Shiuntai) get 35 new pilots but they are very inexperienced (only 150 hours of flight training). The Bakufuutai tries to be good senpai and stop them from flying recklessly, but the Shiuntai's leader is being a jerk as usual and tells them they can't tell his squad what to do. I should probably learn that guy's name lol.

-The hairy dude with big lips gets his own big lipped girl who's in love with him. Unfortunately they used this as an opportunity to make her "ugliness" a joke. Hey! If dudes are allowed to look funky girls should be allowed too >:/

Ch. 32

-This chapter was far too dialogue heavy and I barely followed what was happening. All I got was that Hayato and Ishiki were begging their leaders to not send the newbies off on a mission and then Hayato and friends end up being sent off to Manila for some reason. The nurse love interest creepily talks about being prepared to die a bunch...

[razorsadness]

A week ago Thursday, I took a long walk around my neighborhood. Later, at night, I sat out on the back steps for a while, listening to all the night sounds: the pop and snap of wood burning in a neighbor’s fire pit, critters rustling in the weeds, the lonesome howl of a freight train in the near distance.

The next day started off kinda shitty. I was dealing with more confusing and annoying bureaucratic red tape re: energy assistance, plus some other stuff along similar lines, and the kids were cranky, and I was feeling all sad and cranky myself and dwelling on some old issues that rear up from time to time—maybe cuz of PMS, maybe cuz of Mercury Rx, probably a little of both. C. and I took a little outing to the garden center, and I got some more soil for this year’s garden, and some pansies for outside, and a little African violet for indoors. That helped a bit, but when I got back, I was still stressed and sad, and P. could tell, and he told me to take the rest of the evening to do whatever would make me feel better. So I had a tiny bit of an edible, then took a long, hot bath and ate some dark chocolate, and it worked wonders.

Saturday was better. I wrote a poem, worked on editing some poems, and submitted some poems to a couple lit zines. After the kids were asleep, P. and I had sex.

That night I had a strange dream that P. and I were visiting some old friends of his, and we were there for hours and hours and I wanted to leave because I was tired, but he decided he had to make this elaborate slow-cooked pepper sauce (??) before he left. So I was like: “Can I just leave, and you can crash here?” But he said that would be rude so I had to stay, too and I was pissed. I don’t know where the fuck that dream came from.

The next day my anxiety was through the roof—about (lack of) money, about bills, about other things that I couldn’t even identify. And we were going to have dinner with my mom because my dad was out of town, and having dinner with my parents often stresses me out. But it turned out okay. I remembered that my parents are much less awful to be around when it’s just one of them, not both.

That night I had another weird dream. I was in Chicago, at a zine fest held at my alma mater, CCC (much like the actual MWPZF was, last October), and I had a new zine with me that I’d just finished the day before and hadn’t had a chance to make copies of. (Which, again, is much like real life experiences I’ve had—I’m notorious for rushing to make copies the day before or day of zine fests.) Anyway, someone told me there was a Xerox machine in one of the offices where they’d let me make copies for free, so I went there. The guy working was this super hot punky French dude named Guillaume, and it was like we locked eyes and immediately knew we wanted to bang. We were just gonna fuck right there in the office, but people kept coming in and interrupting us, so we couldn’t. Later, we decided to go find a hotel and get a room and fuck there, so we were wandering downtown Chicago looking for a hotel we could afford, and we finally found one—but it was being used as a vaccine clinic, and was so packed with people waiting to get vaxxed that we couldn’t even get inside to see if there were rooms available. Also my parents were there for some reason, waiting to get vaccines at a hotel in Chicago, which kinda killed my horny mood. It was a terribly frustrating dream. And also hella weird. (And also my dream dude Guillaume was really hot, and he’s been popping up in my fantasies ever since.)

The first of May was probably the best day of the week. It was too cold and rainy to do any outdoor activities, but I taught D. a bit about the labor rights/anarchist history of May Day for school, did a bunch of artsy-crafty stuff, did some witchy stuff. I started mapping out my new poetry project—a (book-length!) sonnet sequence about a love affair I had in the summer of 2005. I’d already planned on writing a poem about that lover and that summer, but then realized I had more to say about it than would fit in just one poem. Then I thought of a book I recently read and loved—Maggie Millner’s Couplets, which is a book of poems about a love affair—and thought: oh! I could write a book of poems about it! And then I thought of Edna St. Vincent Millay’s Fatal Interview, and thought: oh! the book could be a sonnet sequence! Which is incredibly nerdy, I know, but is also super exciting for me, as I’ve been getting back into sonnets with a vengeance; and seems especially appropriate considering that the spring/summer of 2005 was when I first got obsessed with Edna Millay and with writing my own sonnets. Later, I listened to electro-swing while making pasta primavera for dinner. And P. and I got to have sexytimes again that night.

Tuesday, my period started, and my anxiety was through the roof again. But I did yoga, which helped a little, as did listening to some good old fashioned punk rock. And I worked a bit more on my sonnet-book, which, I decided that day, will be titled Untrue Aftermath—both because it has the same syllable count as/a similar feeling to Fatal Interview, and because it comes from a sonnet I wrote in the summer of 2005.

I started off Wednesday feeling so good. I did yoga, made myself a strawberry-blueberry-banana smoothie for breakfast. But then I got a phone call from energy assistance saying that I needed to call back and verify more stuff—stuff which I had already verified, by the way—or my application was going to expire. Which sent me into a panic, because I’d already received the disconnection notice from the power company, and though I didn’t know what day they’d turn it off, I knew it wasn’t far off. So I verified it all again, and then kept calling back to make sure they had all the information they needed and my application wouldn’t expire, and they assured me it was fine! It was all good now! So I thought I had that taken care of, but I was still stressed just from dealing with it, and also was thinking about my cousin C.W., who was going into surgery later that day, to remove part of his colon and intestines, due to cancer.

But the day got better. It was sunny, and warm enough to go outside and plant the pansies and get some veggies sprouting. We also did other yard work, like cutting back the mulberry bushes which are trying to overtake the yard, and then I helped C. build a lean-to from some of the mulberry branches. Then I worked on more of Untrue Aftermath, and P. and I cooked delicious Jamaican jerk burgers for dinner. And I got good news about my cousin—the surgery went well, and they’re pretty sure they got all the cancer.

I didn’t sleep well that night, either. At first it was fun being up late; I sat on the porch alone to listen to the night sounds, to dream and scheme. But then, even when I wanted to go to sleep, I couldn’t, and started, once again, worrying about everything.

I woke up the next day exhausted, with jaw and tooth pain, because I sometimes grind my teeth in my sleep when I’m stressed. The morning light on the yard was beautiful, though, and in the afternoon, I dropped D. off with my parents, and went to run a couple errands. I was feeling good, driving around, drinking an iced coffee, looking at all the trees in bloom and singing along to old favorite songs I still love. I thought I’d get home, work on my sonnet sequence, and make a cake. And then I got home and I just crashed. I felt ancient and tired and sad and ugly. I started missing the good old bad old days, while simultaneously feeling like I was in them.

Let’s see if I can explain…working on Untrue Aftermath, well, I’ve been delving back into the summer of 2005, reconstructing events and emotions from old journal entries and photographs and mix tapes. But what sometimes happens when I fall too deep into the nostalgic k-hole of a particular timeframe—it’s happened before, and it happened this time—is, I start remembering things I hadn’t even kept record of, and I start feeling how I felt back then, and then the wave of memories and emotions becomes so vivid and intense that it feels like it’s happening again, in real time. Which, to paraphrase myself, is good for my writing, but so very bad for my delicate heart.

But then the other thing that happens is that, though I may be experiencing all the old memories and feelings in real time, my brain also likes to remind me of all the ways that the Now is not like Ye Olde Days. That was happening on Thursday, too. You know, my brain was going: Remember all your lovers and all your adventures? You barely have adventures anymore. And you’ll never have a new lover again, not just because of the relationship you’re in but because you’re old and ugly and no one would even want you. (To quote an Edna St. Vincent sonnet that’s not from Fatal Interview: I only know that summer sang in me / A little while, that in me sings no more.)

All that got me too sad and restless to focus on writing or baking. So I read my friend Jonas’s newest book, and built some LEGOs with C., and ate linguini and clam sauce for dinner. Later, I sat out on the front porch again and watched the almost-full Flower Moon rising through the flowering trees. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was what I had, and it was enough to get me through.

Friday, I woke up in a better mood, and the weather was good. I had such plans for the day. I was going to bake the cake, and then we were going to do more gardening, and then make burritos (with homemade guacamole) for dinner. I was in the middle of making the cake—batter was more than half done, oven was preheating—when our gas and electricity got shut off. I immediately called energy assistance to see what the fuck was going on. The woman I talked to was like: “Well, see, it was really confusing because you reported this and then you reported this conflicting thing, you sent in this form but then sent in that other form, blah blah.” And I didn’t yell because I knew it wasn’t her fault individually, but I said: “It was confusing to me, too! I only sent in and verified what I was asked to, it’s not my fault that people told me to send in and verify conflicting things.” She said: “We can book you for a crisis appointment over the phone at 4:40 p.m. today, to cancel out your previous application and put in a crisis one.” I agreed to it, but said: “This would not have been a crisis situation had everything been processed a month ago like it should have been.” I was pissed. For once in my life I was on top of my end of shit, and this still happened?!

We packed as much of our refrigerated food as possible into an ice chest with a bunch of ice and packed all our frozen food (plus the meat for the burritos) into the big freezer in our basement with several large bags of ice. Then I booked a hotel room for the night, and put a call for help on my main blog.

It may have been slightly irresponsible, financially, to book a hotel room, rather than stay with my parents—but mentally/emotionally, it was the right thing to do. Because my parents would have made that night hell for me. Whenever anything like this has happened in the past, even if I am not asking them for financial help and am finding other ways to take care of it myself, they just berate me, endlessly. “Why didn’t you just pay the bill off months ago?” they say. “We didn’t have the money,” I tell them. “Why didn’t you have the money? Why don’t you get a better job? Why doesn’t P. get a better job? Blah blah blah.” This time would have been no different. They wouldn’t have cared that it actually wasn’t my fault, that I applied for assistance as soon as I knew I wouldn’t be able to pay the bill, and that I stayed on top of it but e.a. didn’t have their shit together. No, that wouldn’t have mattered at all. They would have insisted on giving me the money to pay the bill—even if I told them I didn’t want them to, and was working on other ways to get the power back on. Then they would have spent the rest of the night lecturing me about how they shouldn’t have to help me out financially like that anymore and can’t afford to now that my dad’s retired (which I know and agree! which is why I wouldn’t ask them to!), and on all the ways in which both I and my partner are fuck-ups (which, news flash: lecturing someone about how they’re a failure doesn’t help them not be a failure).

Once we got to the motel, I did the math, and figured out that if I got around $1000 from my emergency post, I could put that together with the money I had set aside for rent, ask my landlord to hold off on cashing the check until I get paid from my most recent proofreading gig (which should be by the 10th, and she usually doesn’t cash our rent checks until after the 10th of the month anyway), and pay the minimum balance to get the power turned back on, so that even if the e.a. thing didn’t work out, I could still get our power back on the next day.

Then I had the crisis appointment. If only they had given me one of those a month ago, it wouldn’t have been a crisis! The woman I spoke to this time was actually on top of things. She gathered all the information she could from our previous application, and just asked me to verify/clarify a few more things. The approval for the amount of help they can give went through right away, but she told me the payment wouldn’t go through until Wednesday. Well, fuck, I thought, there’s no way we can afford to stay in a motel for that many nights, plus by then all our food would spoil, and we can’t afford to replace all that, either. So I was just praying that my emergency post would get enough of a response that I could pay the minimum the next day. I asked the woman from e.a. what would happen if I did that, if it would somehow cancel the assistance, and she said no, it would just go toward paying off whatever was left on the bill and/or be put towards the next one.

After that, there was nothing more I could do for the night other than periodically reblog my emergency post, so I decided to try and enjoy myself/relax as best I could. I did have a brief thought that the universe heard me longing for ye olde days, and decided to grant my wish, in a very monkey’s paw way. Like: Oh, you want the old days back? The days of adventure, when you could never afford to pay your bills on time and were constantly living with no gas or electricity? Fuck, Universe, that’s not what I meant; guess I should have been more careful what I wished for.

But I also did get a bit of the good parts of the old days—namely, staying in a roadside motel. I just love hotels and motels so much. All the people coming in and out, the free coffee 24/7, the way that they’re liminal spaces so even if you’re staying in your own town it’s like you’ve stepped out of daily time and into something different. We ordered pizza for dinner, cuz one of the better pizza places in town opened up a new carryout-and-delivery spot just down the road from where we were staying, and they delivered it right to the room. P. and I both took long hot showers; the kids both took baths.

I kept going outside to smoke, which I have been so good about not doing recently, but all the stress just fucking got to me and I caved. I’d go outside to smoke, watch the cars pulling into and out of the parking lot, the people checking into the hotel, the parking lot across the way with the rehab center next to the coffeeshop where I saw Adam Fell do a reading back in early 2018. I watched and listened to the redwing blackbirds, swooping and chirring in the roadside marsh. In my head, I played a medley of all my favorite hotel and motel songs. One of them being, of course, “Can’t Hardly Wait.” And at one point I noticed that most of the vehicles in the parking lot had Minnesota plates. Turned out that there was a youth football team from Minnesota staying there for the night. And then a little while later, outside having another smoke, this trio of young punks approached me—I guess they saw my tattoos and my t-shirt with the sleeves torn off and knew I was one of them—we all stood around smoking and chatting, and it turned out they were a punk band…from Minnesota. What are the fucking odds?

I was up late. Full moons and motels both make me restless, plus I was still worried about the power situation. Wondering if my emergency post would get enough traction to get me the money I needed; wondering if my landlord would be pissed when I asked her to hold the rent check, and if I’d have to pay her the $50 late fee. I was up late, sipping whiskey, wishing that I was having a fun motel night of drinking and sex rather than the type of motel night I was having, but I was enjoying myself despite it. When I went out to have my last cigarette of the night, and look at the full moon, I took my little plastic motel cup of ice & whiskey out with me, and the Minnesota punks were out there too, smoking and drinking beer. We talked again. They asked me to come party with them in their room, and I was like “oh, boys, thank you, but I am here with my husband and kids and I don’t think they’d appreciate me bailing on them to go party.” I mean I really was thankful that they asked me. Made me feel like I’m not so old and boring after all, if some punk kids nearly two decades younger than I am think I’m cool enough to party with.

When I finally fell asleep, I dreamt that I met [redacted] and we got drunk and had sloppy-drunk motel sex.

In the morning, we partook of the complimentary breakfast and coffee, and I checked on the money and energy situation. People really stepped up, I got enough that I could have paid the minimum balance and any late fee my landlord asked. So I called the energy company, asked them how I needed to pay the balance to get my power back on that day, and they let me know. I went on the website, and as I was entering my information to pay, I mean I was literally about to hit the ‘complete payment’ button, I got a phone call from energy assistance. Telling me that, because they’d marked it as a crisis, their assistance amount went through that day instead of needing to wait until Wednesday. So I called the power company back, they confirmed it had gone through and told me how much I now owed, and because it was less than I’d initially thought due to the assistance going through, I was able to pay the bill completely off without even needing to put a hold on the rent check.

After that, we packed up, grabbed some more free coffee (and cocoa for the kids) from the lobby, checked out, came home, and called the power company one last time to get the power back on. Then we checked our food—everything was still good, hallelujah.

The rest of Saturday, I was exhausted, but happy. Glad to be home. Thinking maybe I learned a couple lessons from all this. One being that if I ever need energy assistance again, I should apply at least two months ahead of time. The other being: appreciate what you have. Adventure’s not all it’s cracked up to be, at least not when it comes with that kind of chaos. And I was appreciative. Appreciative that friends and strangers alike helped me out when I most needed it. Appreciative that the energy assistance came through after all, even if it was last minute. Appreciative that the food was still good, and we were able to make the guacamole and burritos for dinner that we’d planned on making the night before.

I was so sure I’d sleep well that night because I was so tired. I fell asleep fine, but then C. woke up in the middle of the night, and it was difficult to get him back to sleep. And then even when he did fall back to sleep, I was awake for another couple hours.

So yesterday I was even more exhausted than I was Saturday. I mean, I hadn’t slept well in several nights; that was a problem even before the power outage. I was exhausted, and C. was exhausted and cranky, and I had to catch up on a bunch of laundry. But it wasn’t all bad, in fact there was a lot of good. The weather was beautiful. A couple of the poems from one of the lit zine submissions I sent out at the end of April got accepted for publication. I got hired for a new proofreading gig, a pretty well-paying one. Because of that, and the fact that I’m getting the paycheck from my last gig very soon, and the fact that my energy bill is now square, I actually have a teeny bit of extra money—which I’m using a portion of to give to other causes and people who are in urgent situations right now. Then, last night, we went to have dinner with my parents. We did tell them some of what happened on Friday, but because it was no longer urgent we could play it off as ‘oh, our power was out for a night, we stayed in a motel, it was an adventure,’ and there was no lecture and everything was fine. They watched the kids for a bit; P. and I went to get takeout to bring back for everyone, and had a round of beers while we waited. (My parents treated us.) I was absolutely enamored by the bartender and the two waitresses. They were all queer femmes (takes one to know one); these young, rough-ass bitches (and oh, I mean rough-ass bitches in an absolutely positive way) wearing these ridiculous, amazing outfits (stuff I would love to wear but probably wouldn’t have the guts to; but probably would have worn when I was as young as they are). And Halsey’s “Bad At Love” came on, and they all started singing along, at the top of their lungs and so full of feeling in that “I’ve been there” way and god, I love people. Truly, I do. Then, dinner with the kids and the parents, and it was actually pleasant and low-key, for once. And then home again, home again, once again exhausted and happy. We all finally slept well. I only woke up in the night once. I was having a dream in which I was reading a beautiful poem (I am one of those rare people who can actually read text in my dreams sometimes), and I woke up with one line from the poem still in my mind. I rolled over, pulled up the notes app on my phone, typed it in, then went back to sleep. This morning, I read what I’d typed: in the time of the witches / the streets were smoked with blue perfume. That’s pretty excellent. I need to use it (or something like it) in a real poem. Today I started my new proofreading gig, did schooling with the kiddos. I had to make one last call to the power company, to make sure the payment/arrangement went through so we don’t end up in that situation again; according to them it’s all good and now this hellish cycle of phone calls and panic is done. I’m not in the best mood today—all the stress of the past few days has worn me down; and everything has been so weird and wild lately that the past few days has felt more like a few weeks. And oh, now our oven is crapping out, which is another thing we can’t afford. Plus it’s rainy and chilly again, so I can’t go outside and garden or just sit in the sun, and I’m just kinda sad, really. I’m trying to make the most of today and not get into a total funk. I dressed up in a way that’s comfy and fabulous at the same time. I made myself a box of Annie’s mac and cheese for lunch, because that’s one of my comfort foods. Now I’m drinking tea, and I’m hoping to find the time to work on poetry stuff later. Tomorrow the weather is supposed to be better, so I’m planning to go to the library (I have a novel on hold there that I’m very excited for); maybe go to the post office (some people ordered books and zines from my emergency post; also the post office has Lichtenstein stamps now and I need some!). Over all, I am so grateful for how everything turned out. It’s been a fucked up few days, but it could have been a lot worse. And next time I’m lonely for adventure? Please remind me that just a trip to the library or a walk around my neighborhood will suffice.

[catty-words]

"i think the disconnect comes from the way fandom uses words like 'racist' to build cases about how it's Objectively Wrong for anyone to like a certain character" YES omg people say it like its an essentialist part of a character, like they did something shitty?? well that means they are a literal devil spawn and if you like them you are TRASH!!! but like is actually mostly an action (like you said, a BEHAVIOR)???? that people CAN get better and do better??

"giving the time of day to people who aren't engaging sincerely with the text" this is a great definition of what so many people do, i will definitely snuggle with my kitty in my echo-chamber in guilty-free now, thanks

"forced me to sit with that disappointment for over a year." yeah, i supposed i would feel similarly had i watched one season at the time too. personally because besides devi lack of agency, ben is just so off. paxton was the highlight, besides nirmala and aneesa, that made the season worth it, but like... i feel like season 2 ben is just there to suffer from beginning to end, if at least he was less of a victim of devi's cheating and more of a cunt about it i wouldnt feel so sad, but like you said, its like he had no defects that season and i'm like 😭😭 wheres my little shit from season 1? i dont know if i would survive sitting with season 2 ben for a year tbh you are so strong and resilient babe

"you may already know that i'm writing a long-form follow-up with 'bitty spark' acting as the prologue since it sounds like you picked through my blog a bit" i actually didnt cuz i tend to avoid wip fics like the plague unless i'm close friends with the author cuz then if they abandon the work i can just ask where they planned to go with and satiate my curiosity aksjwkajai but now that i know its the continuation of my fave fic of yours i went through the whole tag and i'm like. DESPERATELY NEEDING IT. like you've been working on it for ages frr you poor thing :(( but simultaneously i'm like IF SHE DOESNT POST LIKE ASAP IM FLYING OUT THERE AND PULLING HER FEET AT NIGHT 😡😡

"thank you for fueling my vanity and for stopping by my askbox in the first place!" no thank you for answering my question it was eating me alive, i just wanted to contextualize and make sure you knew i wasnt like a ben apologist who see him as someone who cant do no wrong but when you had questions of your own i just had to answer them pakspksosk and i love to fuel people's vanity!!! you deserve to be vain, you are giving great stories for nothing besides the shits and giggles!!! i have a hard time interacting in tumblr bc of some dumb insecurities but i just really had to answer you, i thought you would just politely and objectively answer my question but instead you gave me an opportunity to sing you praises without all my tumblr-ity baggage so... thank YOU.

this is a great definition of what so many people do, i will definitely snuggle with my kitty in my echo-chamber in guilty-free now, thanks - perfect. give your kitty a kiss on their perfect little head for me.

yeah, i supposed i would feel similarly had i watched one season at the time too. - mm-hmm, and most people i'm friends with in the fandom have similarly been in it since the beginning, hence my curiosity about your own experience. i'll never know what it's like to take in the series as a whole, it very much is divided up into Eras for me, and it excited/excites me greatly to hear someone else's perspective on the shifting tone.

i feel like season 2 ben is just there to suffer from beginning to end, if at least he was less of a victim of devi's cheating and more of a cunt about it i wouldnt feel so sad, but like you said, its like he had no defects that season and i'm like 😭😭 wheres my little shit from season 1? - dkjsbg exactly!!! 'where's my little shit from season 1', SUCH an important question to be asking!!!

i don't know if you read 'start, acceleration' (my fic where ben teaches devi how to drive), but i was in a scramble to finish it before season 2 dropped and, in retrospect, it's so important that i did (literally posted it the night before) because i can't imagine trying to complete it with s2 ben's characterization in my head. i would have been Distraught.

i dont know if i would survive sitting with season 2 ben for a year tbh you are so strong and resilient babe - and like, thank you. i needed this. 😇

but now that i know its the continuation of my fave fic of yours i went through the whole tag and i'm like. DESPERATELY NEEDING IT. like you've been working on it for ages frr you poor thing :(( but simultaneously i'm like IF SHE DOESNT POST LIKE ASAP IM FLYING OUT THERE AND PULLING HER FEET AT NIGHT 😡😡 - motivation!!! this + plus us knowing the season 3 release date - i'm determined to be posting it by then. like, truly no one is more excited to be sharing this fic than me i've worked so hard on it and it is pretty epic tbh......

no thank you for answering my question it was eating me alive, i just wanted to contextualize and make sure you knew i wasnt like a ben apologist who see him as someone who cant do no wrong - definitely no worries there. clearly you have taste because you miss cunt ben when he's gone!! plus, i obviously love discussing this show, so. your ask was a gift.

you deserve to be vain, you are giving great stories for nothing besides the shits and giggles!!! - 😳🥰🥺 thank you

[hag-lad]

Okay I just gotta get this out. I fucking despise employment culture. I know that work is the only way that anything can ever get done, I know that labor is important, I know that it’s only driving me crazy to think of work as optional when every facet of reality is abundantly clear that work is mandatory. I know! And I still can’t fuckin stand it.

I quit my job in December and haven’t even interviewed for another one. I’m 2 months behind on my car payments, drowning in debt, and basically unable to function for how broke and miserable I am. I know that I should just step up and get a goddam job. But there is nothing I can see myself doing. I’ve either done it already and know intimately how much I hate it, or it’s utterly out of left field and I’m abysmally under-qualified. I’ve worked so much in my life, and I’m fucking tired of it. I literally am the bratty millennial stereotype who “doesn’t wanna work these days.” I literally don’t wanna work! I’m in like a protracted toddler-grade tantrum over this shit. I’ve seen too much of the workforce and I can’t stand it anymore.

I am dizzy from this whirlpool of hatred I’ve trapped myself in. I can’t be employed in a field I’m passionate about, because it makes me too crazy. Even “important” jobs that “help people” are all lies and bureaucracy and in-fighting and politics and conflict and questionable ethics and heartbreak and misery and sadness and stress, stress, SO MUCH STRESS. Then artistic or creative jobs are the opposite, where they feel so appallingly frivolous and superficial, I lose my mind spiraling about how much waste goes into the whole thing, the very first-world nature of it all. And then I can’t even take respite in a job that I’m not ultra passionate about, because it’s so time-consuming and monotonous, I feel like I’m wasting my life!

I’ve done so many different types of jobs, way more than most people my age, I feel like I have firsthand knowledge of exactly how ill-fitted I am to work anywhere. I’m a shitty employee, and I have nothing resembling the will to get better! I don’t give a fraction of a fuck about professionalism, I absolutely never show up on time, I use every millisecond of sick pay and frequently take unpaid days off just cuz I hate being at work so much, and no proximity to any of my “dream jobs” has ever even come remotely close to fixing this. I’m habitually tardy, flaky, and my attitude is so bad I’ve made enemies out of wildly different types of people. I can’t seem to get along with anyone, and I don’t fucking want to! This was even the case when I was making $36/hr doing a job that was basically tailor-made to my strengths and interests. If even that can’t get me on a path to enjoying work? I don’t think anything will!!!!!

And I hate, hate, HATE when people suggest jobs at me like I haven’t considered them. I just want to grab them and shake them. I HAVE ALREADY THOUGHT ABOUT IT, WHATEVER IT IS. I have already googled it, looked into how to get into it, considered what it would take, and decided against it. I’ve thought about being a social worker, nurse, plumber, electrician, teacher, therapist, doula, IT guy, car mechanic, bike mechanic, photographer, graphic artist, talent manager, veterinary technician, librarian, general contractor, cosmetologist, mortician, park ranger, HR guy, transcriber, grant writer, student, botanist, gardener, sanitation worker, solar panel tech, retail monkey, babysitter, foster parent, dog walker, AND LIKE TEN THOUSAND OTHER THINGS. Okay?! I’ve already thought about it! I’ve already looked into it! The problem is not lack of ideas. It’s attitude. It always has been attitude.

I’m fuckin 30 years old, man! My brain is harder to fight now than ever before. I feel so deeply, inexorably set in my ways, so fixed and rooted in this way of looking at the world and existing around other humans, it is like a maze with no exit. I can run around and drive myself insane looking for the way out, but I know deep down that I am going to die here. There’s no fuckin way out. There is no “fulfilling career,” there is no “dream job.” There aren’t even jobs where I’ll be able to tolerate the daily grind. There are only prisons with varying levels of brutality. Some are worse than others, but they’re all prisons. I know this is all very privileged and spoiled and whiny. Believe me, I know. And the fact is, my car will get repossessed if I don’t figure this shit out. But I will violently hate wherever I wind up next, that’s a guarantee. Because I hate everything! And I can’t just stop hating. I try all the time, and it just comes back worse every time.

Nobody ever tells you this. Nobody sympathizes with lazy, angry people. We’re the exact type of person that people hate the most. We are not lovable, we are not virtuous, we can’t make the world better. We were put on this earth to suffer, then die as a relief to everyone who had the burden of knowing us. Some people are just shitheads, and that is how I see myself, way more than any career path. Just a fuckin shithead waiting to die! Lmao

[spideryves]

fuck you carmen

warnings; language, sexual mentions, angst, fluff if you squint

ding!

the ringer from her phone went off about 3 times in a row before y/n rolled over to look at it. she squinted at the brightness, her screen shining the bold letters stating it was 3:37 am.

a part of her didn’t even want to answer it, but considering it she didn’t even try to go to sleep until about 45 minutes ago, it’s not like she was that tired.

have you heard from carmy?— sugar

y/n raised a brow, confused.

why would i lol

cuz he’s moving back to town tmw…— sugar

that exchange was over two weeks ago, and although it would’ve been nice to know prior, readjusting to being in his presence was a lot easier than expected.

of course, there were still some negatives.

first of all, she got “demoted”. technically, y/n never had a real position. she loves cooking but loves baking more. that’s why michael hired her to work with marcus after she couldn’t find another job in the area. when she got bored of that, she was on dish duty with angel & manny. and then after manny flung soggy bread in her hair (which he claims was an accident) she begged him to give her a different position.

michael jokingly called her a brat, and then told her to just shadow him. for months that was their dynamic, and eventually she was put on family, where she finally felt like herself in the kitchen.

until carmy arrived and fucked her over.

she showed up late when he was having a bad day, and suddenly she was back washing dirty dishes while her replacement, sydney, was doing her job.

you see, carmy and y/n had history. they dated all of high school, and up until he got into culinary school and she didn’t. their relationship was ruined, and with some harsh words and tears shed carmy was out of her life.

she wouldn’t say she hated him, but he definitely wasn’t her favorite person. and the feeling was definitely mutual.

“you’re staring again.”

y/n whipped her hair around, angel smirking at her with his dumb grin.

“you should just tell her off.”

“and piss off carmy even more? please, he’d have me and my brother fired for upsetting his little protégé.”

the two of you glanced over at sydney, who looked frantic as she couldn’t find the onions she was just cutting. ‘she always looks like she’s about to cry,’ y/n thought.

putting the last dish down, she dried off her hands and turned to face angel completely. “besides, i give it a week before he does something to make her quit anyway.”

angel chuckled, stepping closer towards you. “you’re feisty today,” he said “more than usual.”

“can you blame me? i’m washing dishes when i should be on family. plus i got marcus and his dumbass roommate cramping up my apartment, and let’s not forget the big and bad carm—“

“y/n.”

they both turned to see carmy standing right next to the sink, neither of them hearing him make his way over there.

her cheeks instantly warmed, a little embarrassed he heard her rant. of course, she crossed her arms and raised a brow to feign innocence. “yes?”

“can i talk to you in the office?”

“i’m kind of in the middle of—“

“shit talk isn’t necessary to wash a fucking dish, y/n. my office, now.” carmy didn’t give her a chance to retaliate, before shooting a glare at angel and heading towards the office.

once they were both in the tiny room, papers scattered across the wood desk and the scent of tomato sauce filling the air, carmy shut the door behind her.

this was the first time since he’d been back that she actually got a chance to look at him, and although it pained her, she had to admit, he’d never looked better. of course, the lack of sleep was evident in his eyes and the mysteriously stained apron he dawned made her wish he’d take it off— but she was reminded of why she found him so attractive in the first place.

too bad she was about to get fired.

she crossed her arms again, ready to stand her ground. “if you’re gonna get rid of me or give me another shitty job then just do it so i can go.”

“that isn’t why i called you in.”

he ran a hand through his hair, nervousness plastered on his face.

“then what do you want? i have a job to do.”

he rolled his eyes. “does that job require calling sydney a kiss ass and flirting with angel?”

y/n scoffed, knowing exactly where this conversation was going.

“you jealous?”

“of angel? yea not a chance. but michael didn’t hire you to hook up with your coworkers.”

he delivered the line with a lot more aggression than intended, which pissed her off even more considering she knew how mad he could get over the silliest things.

marcus must’ve mentioned the month where her and angel dated, which ended as them only being occasional friends with benefits. it upset her how her own brother told him, but she wasn’t shocked. he had a big mouth.

right now, carmy and y/n’s faces were a little too close for comfort, so she moved towards the door, ready to just leave and ignore him.

“michael hired me because he didn’t fucking want you. and whoever i choose to screw stopped being your business when you decided to become my boss, got it?”

she opened the door from the office and slammed it behind her, causing sydney and tina to jump, and marcus to peak his head out from behind the kitchen mixer.

‘this is gonna be a long shift,’ she thought with a sigh.

[eddieandbird]

Part 3 - Dove

Part 2 | Eddie & Bird | Part 4

Robin groaned and shook her fingers through her messy brown hair in frustration. She knew that this wasn’t going to be an easy thing to explain to the boys. She hated how vulnerable she had to be in this moment, but she took a deep breath and began speaking.

“She’s my older sister, Dove. She moved out of the house because she wanted to become a famous model or actress or something and my parents refused to help her get to Hollywood. Now she’s living in some shitty little house right outside of Indianapolis working a 9 to 5 in the city,”

Robin kept her eyes away, staring outside the car window as she thought about Dove. She loved her sister, but things were very strained after Dove decided to leave.

It was the summer of Robin’s sophomore year, Dove had just graduated. They were sitting side to side on Robin’s twin bed, Forever Young by Alphaville played on her radio. Dove’s arm was reached over Robin’s shoulder, rubbing her arm. Robin’s body was stiff against her sister's touch as she clutched onto a decorative throw pillow.

“Why would you do this? How could you leave me?” Robin sobbed.

“Rob, please don’t say that, you know I am not trying to hurt you,” Dove cooed as she wiped the tears off of her face. “I just want to follow my dreams. Don’t you want me to be happy?”

“You don’t get to say that shit okay! What you’re doing is absolutely unfair, you realize that? I’m going to spend the rest of high school alone, I’ll probably never find a girlfriend, and I won’t go out of the house unless it’s for a stupid band concert,” Robin shot up from the bed and faced Dove. Her hands were balled up into fists and her face was red from all her crying. “And for what to be the next Molly Ringwald or some shit? News flash, Bird, we’re not movie stars, we’re Buckleys. Poor, hand-me-down wearing, no pennies to their name Buckleys. It’s a pipe dream to think you’ll ever make it out there!-“ Robin’s rambling suddenly halted when she saw Dove crying. She got back down on the bed to hold her hand. “Bird… Bird I’m so sorry. That was so so so stupid to say. Bird please don’t cr-“

“It’s okay, Robin. I get it,” Dove said flatly, trying to fight back her tears. “It’s okay, cuz I’m sorry too… I’m sorry because I’m still going,” she let out a harsh chuckle. “You wanna know what’s funny. I knew Mom and Dad were going to be mad about this, but I thought you of all people would be supportive Rob, I-“ Dove noticed her breathing, watching her chest puff up and down from how worked up she was getting.

“C’mon Birdy. It’s okay, calm down,” Robin reached out to hug Dove but she pulled away.

“I’m fine Robin. I’m going to bed,” Dove slammed the door behind her and stomped off to her room.

Robin and Dove hardly spoke a word to each other after that. A month went by and Dove left the house in silence. She shoved all the belongings she could into her car, drove off and never came back. With the lack of closure, Robin’s feelings came in waves. One day she would hate Dove and secretly blame her for every pain she went through, the next she would miss her so much she would actually pray to any higher being out there for her sister to return. 

“Earth to Robin, you there?” Steve snapped in her face

“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine,” Robin fidgeted in her seat. 

“Okay I’ll go grab Eddie from inside. Be right back,” Dustin hardly waited for Steve to bring the car to a full stop before he ran into the house.

There was a thick silence inside the car between Steve and Robin, before Steve finally asked “Hey are you alright?”

“Hm? Me? Yeah, I’m good, why? I don’t seem good?” Robin answered defensively.

“How come you never told me about your sister? I thought we agreed, no secrets,” Steve’s eyes looked down on Robin in disappointment. 

“I don’t like talking about her. We’re like not on the best terms,” She snapped at Steve, rubbing her forehead.

“So then how do you know if she’ll even let Munson bunk with her?” Steve groaned as he smacked the steering wheel.

“I don’t know, dude! We’ll figure it out. We needed a quick plan and this was the best I could do on short notice,” Robin cheeks flushed red in anger.

“Hey Harrington!” The two whipped their heads around to see Eddie walking up to the car, sticking his tongue out and playing air guitar.

“Could you be any louder?” Steve replied, his frustration clear in his voice. “We are trying to be lowkey, Munson,”

“Ah, missed you too bud,” Eddie grunted as he and Dustin got into the car. “So where are we off to, gang?”

[eddienbird]

Part 3 - Dove

Eddie & Bird [photo] Part 3

Robin groaned and shook her fingers through her messy brown hair in frustration. She knew that this wasn’t going to be an easy thing to explain to the boys. She hated how vulnerable she had to be in this moment, but she took a deep breath and began speaking.

“She’s my older sister, Dove. She moved out of the house because she wanted to become a famous model or actress or something and my parents refused to help her get to Hollywood. Now she’s living in some shitty little house right outside of Indianapolis working a 9 to 5 in the city,”

Robin kept her eyes away, staring outside the car window as she thought about Dove. She loved her sister, but things were very strained after Dove decided to leave.

It was the summer of Robin’s sophomore year, Dove had just graduated. They were sitting side to side on Robin’s twin bed, Forever Young by Alphaville played on her radio. Dove’s arm was reached over Robin’s shoulder, rubbing her arm. Robin’s body was stiff against her sister's touch as she clutched onto a decorative throw pillow.

“Why would you do this? How could you leave me?” Robin sobbed.

“Rob, please don’t say that, you know I am not trying to hurt you,” Dove cooed as she wiped the tears off of her face. “I just want to follow my dreams. Don’t you want me to be happy?”

“You don’t get to say that shit okay! What you’re doing is absolutely unfair, you realize that? I’m going to spend the rest of high school alone, I’ll probably never find a girlfriend, and I won’t go out of the house unless it’s for a stupid band concert,” Robin shot up from the bed and faced Dove. Her hands were balled up into fists and her face was red from all her crying. “And for what to be the next Molly Ringwald or some shit? News flash, Bird, we’re not movie stars, we’re Buckleys. Poor, hand-me-down wearing, no pennies to their name Buckleys. It’s a pipe dream to think you’ll ever make it out there!-“ Robin’s rambling suddenly halted when she saw Dove crying. She got back down on the bed to hold her hand. “Bird… Bird I’m so sorry. That was so so so stupid to say. Bird please don’t cr-“

“It’s okay, Robin. I get it,” Dove said flatly, trying to fight back her tears. “It’s okay, cuz I’m sorry too… I’m sorry because I’m still going,” she let out a harsh chuckle. “You wanna know what’s funny. I knew Mom and Dad were going to be mad about this, but I thought you of all people would be supportive Rob, I-“ Dove noticed her breathing, watching her chest puff up and down from how worked up she was getting.

“C’mon Birdy. It’s okay, calm down,” Robin reached out to hug Dove but she pulled away.

“I’m fine Robin. I’m going to bed,” Dove slammed the door behind her and stomped off to her room.

Robin and Dove hardly spoke a word to each other after that. A month went by and Dove left the house in silence. She shoved all the belongings she could into her car, drove off and never came back. With the lack of closure, Robin’s feelings came in waves. One day she would hate Dove and secretly blame her for every pain she went through, the next she would miss her so much she would actually pray to any higher being out there for her sister to return. 

“Earth to Robin, you there?” Steve snapped in her face

“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine,” Robin fidgeted in her seat. 

“Okay I’ll go grab Eddie from inside. Be right back,” Dustin hardly waited for Steve to bring the car to a full stop before he ran into the house.

There was a thick silence inside the car between Steve and Robin, before Steve finally asked “Hey are you alright?”

“Hm? Me? Yeah, I’m good, why? I don’t seem good?” Robin answered defensively.

“How come you never told me about your sister? I thought we agreed, no secrets,” Steve’s eyes looked down on Robin in disappointment. 

“I don’t like talking about her. We’re like not on the best terms,” She snapped at Steve, rubbing her forehead.

“So then how do you know if she’ll even let Munson bunk with her?” Steve groaned as he smacked the steering wheel.

“I don’t know, dude! We’ll figure it out. We needed a quick plan and this was the best I could do on short notice,” Robin cheeks flushed red in anger.

“Hey Harrington!” The two whipped their heads around to see Eddie walking up to the car, sticking his tongue out and playing air guitar.

“Could you be any louder?” Steve replied, his frustration clear in his voice. “We are trying to be lowkey, Munson,”

“Ah, missed you too bud,” Eddie grunted as he and Dustin got into the car. “So where are we off to, gang?”

[amor-immortalem]

I Think I'm OKAY

genre: Angst, hurt comfort

length: two parter

warning(s): Feelings of abandonment, self-depreciating thoughts, suicidal thoughts (briefly), feelings of not being good enough, feelings of being unneeded and unloved

A/N: its just been a day guys. And Ive been think about this all day so I just wrote to get tge thoughs out of my head.

this takes place a few months after the epilogue of Everything Undesired where Azalea is still coming to grips with the fact that she's not her father's heir like she always thought she had been. Mammon and Arella really did try to make time for her but things just never worked out in their favor and it ended up giving their daughter abandonment issues.

She’s lost. Not physically but mentally- Azalea doesn’t know where to go or what her purpose is. Ever since her older brother returned from where ever the hell he’s been her whole life, she’s felt more alone than ever before. From her parents being busier than ever helping Cyrus readjust to life here in the Devildom to her twin brother being curious enough about their new older brother to spend all his time trying to get to know him, no one has time for Azalea any more.

Whenever she tries to reach out to either her parents or her brother she gets blown off. It’s always ‘I’m sorry, I couldn’t make it.’ or ‘I’m sorry, I forgot that was today.’ Forgot? How does one just forget about their child? And Azalea is sorry too. She’s sorry for existing. Maybe everyone is just tired of her. Maybe they didn’t need her anymore? After all, she was just her father’s back up plan. A back up plan. Yeah, it sounded as bad as it hurt- to think that’s the only reason he kept her around all this time. Despite how she might try, all she could ever do is fuck up. Why would her parents ever need a child like that?

She feels abandoned, unneeded. All she ever wanted was to make them proud- she pushed herself to maintain the perfect grades just for their praise. Hell, she’d even forced herself to take advanced placement and honors courses just for their approval but they hadn’t even noticed. And it’s not like she hadn’t tried to show them. The last report card she got in her last year of middle school had a note attached to it stating that when she entered RAD, she’d be welcomed into the advanced courses but of course they had been too busy to even look. Both of her parents assumed nothing had changed so they just didn’t need to see something they had seen hundreds of times already.

Why did they stop loving me? The half-demon thinks to herself, Was it all the fights? Was I not good enough for them? I wish I could make them happy the way my brothers do. I wish I was perfect like them, maybe then they wouldn’t have forgotten about me. Maybe I would still belong. What did I do wrong? Azalea can feel the tears dripping down her face. I’m crying? Again? Pathetic. People like me don’t cry.

She hurriedly wipes them away as she looks up at the stars that dot the night sky of the Devildom. She’s pretty high up on a rooftop. She wonders if a fall from this height might kill her or would it just leave her badly injured- the idea’s tempting. She’d come up here to clear her mind and sort out her feelings with how things had changed- how everything she thought she was meant to be had been ripped away from her, but it had just made things worse. She thought she was okay with all this change but after trying for months to find something new to do with the rest of forever, she found out the only thing she was ever any good at was getting into fights. Sure, she’d taken up sports on her uncle Beel’s suggestion but that led to even more pain when time after time, neither of her parents could be bothered show up.

Her phone lights up with a text from her father.

Dad:

Why weren’t ya at dinner today?

Azalea:

Why weren’t you and Mum at my meet today? Ya know like you promised ya would be?

Dad:

‘Zay c’mon don’t be like that. We said we were sorry but something important came up and we couldn’t make it

Azalea:

Sure whatever you say old man

Its what you always say

It's always something more important ain’t it?

Something more important than me.

Dad:

Azalea

Azalea:

Shove it old man. I don’t wanna hear it right now.

She always gets the short end of the stick. For parents that claim they care about her, they sure had a shitty way of showing it. As the family’s resident trouble maker, she’s not good enough for them. Whatever, she doesn’t even need them anyway. She deserves better than a family that doesn’t care. A family she no longer has a place in. And that was fine by her. Now that she’d finally admitted it to herself, she found it would be easier to ignore her entire family and live life depending on only herself.

With a shuddering huff, the girl shuts her D.D.D off and shoves it in her jacket pocket. She leaves the roof top, still in tears headed for the House of Lamentation.

------------------------------------------------------

“Arella, I have to go and find our daughter.” Mammon sighs as he gets his jacket on.

“She’s still upset about the track meet, isn’t she?” The black-haired human frowns “If you’ll give me a moment, I can ask Aurelius if he’ll watch Mahlon and I’ll go with you. This is something we should address together.”

“I don’t think we got the time to waste, Hon. She stopped respondin’ ta my texts and isn’t answerin’ her phone. If I don’t go now, she might so something to herself. I’ll be able to cover more ground quicker if I fly since she could be anywhere- even up high where we wouldn’t be able to see her that easily.”

“Then go on, I’ll talk to her when she gets home.” Arella nods as her husband leaves.

------------------------------------------------------

She enters her room through the garage door entrance. She really didn’t need to considering Azalea was the only one home currently. She knew Aurelius and Zulima would be gone for the rest of the weekend but still she locked her door to prevent any unwanted visitors- mainly her parents as she knew they’d probably come looking for her after the message she’d sent to her father earlier.

She looked over at the stack of unopened akuzon boxes- all gifts sent to her by her parents as ‘apologies’ for various things. Yeah sure, gifts were nice when they were for things like birthdays or Christmas but not when they were used as a way to placate her feelings when her parents missed things like track meets or science fairs or school functions that they promised they would be there for. It felt like a shallow apology so Azalea never opened any of them. They were starting to collect dust now.

Just because greed is her sin doesn’t mean its satisfied by material objects alone. There was more to it than that. Her sin specifically manifests with being greedy for healthy interpersonal relationships- things like money or material objects only did the bare minimum to help keep it under control and satisfied. She wanted her parents’ attention and only that so when they failed to keep their promises, it hurts her deeper than either of them understands- Azalea doesn’t even have the words to describe how it hurts her.

As she plops down on her sectional and flips on the projection of stars and constellations from the human world to calm herself down, she thinks about the way her greed is eating her alive as she turns on some music- a song her friend from the human world showed her called ‘I Think I’m Okay’. It was a song she really related to for some reason. As the song plays on loop, she thinks about how when she was younger- before her youngest brother was born- she was always of healthy weight and body condition. Nowadays with the lack of ability to satisfy her sin, she was just skin and bone. Despite eating constantly, she always feels like she’s starving and she’d be lucky if she weighed in at 90 pounds soaking wet- all of it coming from the weight of her bones and muscle. Her body is just burning through everything too fast and at this point Azalea doesn’t know whether or not she even has the energy to waste to transform into her demon form anymore.

The half-demon hears a faint knock at the door. Maybe if she doesn’t answer then whoever it is will get the hint and go away. As she watches the door open, a scowl appears on her face. Of course her father would pick the lock on her door. She doesn’t know why she’s even surprised right now. He never knows when to leave well enough alone.

“We need to talk...” Mammon says as he sits down on the couch next to her.

“I don’t wanna. Get lost.” the teenager rolls on to her side away from her father.

“Too bad. I’m not leavin’ until we do.”

“Then prepare ta die in here cuz I refuse.” She can’t let him fool her into accepting his apology when she knows full well he doesn’t mean it.

“You really are just like your ma sometimes- stubborn as all get out.” He sighs. “I see ya never opened yer packages. Why?”

She continued to ignore him. How can she get out of this? Maybe if she closed her eyes, she could fool him into thinking she was asleep.

Just get frustrated and leave already. It’s what ya always do when I won’t talk to ya.

She waits an hour, two, three but still he doesn’t leave.

Man is this getting annoying! Why won’t he just give up and go home already?

“Well, since ya won’t talk, I will. Ya know, Mom and I really are sorry we couldn’t be there this afternoon... I know you’re upset about it but we got called to an emergency meeting at the castle and we... kinda... forgot what time it was by time we were done.  I know we don’t have a lot of time to spend with ya anymore but things are just so crazy right now... it’s difficult and when ya act like a brat like this it doesn’t make things any easier.” And Mammon realizes too late that he’s said the wrong thing and put his foot in his mouth.

“Right... cuz that’s all I am is a spoiled brat...” Azalea can’t help the way her voice quakes. “I’m a brat because I asked for you and mum to pay attention to me over the boys just this once and you two let me down and now, I’m getting blamed for being as upset as I am. Yeah, that makes perfect sense.”

“Azalea, that’s not what I meant and you know that,” Mammon places his hand on her shoulder to turn her over and is shocked when all he feels is bone and muscles that are beginning to atrophy. “What are you doing to yourself? Yer nothin’ but skin an’ bone, Baby.”

“I’M NOT THE ONE WHOSE DOING THIS TO ME!” she roars as she hops up from the couch. “IT’S YOU TWO. YOU’RE THE ONES DOING THIS TO ME!” and then her voice suddenly drops. “But you would notice that if you spent more than five seconds with me. My greed is eating me alive and it’s your fault. I’ve tried for months to get you or Mum to spend time with me and I get forgotten about every time because something ‘more important’ comes up or you also make plans with Aurelius or Cyrus and choose to do that over spending time with me. It’s either that or you both choose Mahlon over me and it’s literally killing me. I get that they all need you guys too and I’m not more important than them but it feels like they’re more important to you than me. And I hate it because...” She lets out a sob as she sinks to her knees, “Because you two are the most important people to me.”

Mammon looks at his daughter with a horrified look on his face. His only daughter feels like she’s not important to them but she was right in a way. Both he and Arella had been choosing her brothers over her- not intentionally but he can see why she would come to that conclusion. This was a very crucial time in her life having had everything she thought she was taken away and she was lost with no clue where to go. He and her mother should have been right by her side, helping her find a new path in life this whole time but instead they got so wrapped up in work and other things that now their daughter was suffering the consequences.

“No, baby that’s not true.” The demon says as he wraps his little girl up in his arms. “You are so important to us too.” He rubs her back as he rocks her back and forth, “We love you so much and I’m so sorry we haven’t made ya feel like that. We’re gonna do better from now on. I promise, okay?”

Azalea is hesitant to nod. How many times had she heard the word promise and then had that promise broken but even now as she’s wrapped up in her father’s arms, she’s starting to feel the overwhelming weight of her sin slowly start to go away. She just rests her head against his chest as her puffy teary blue to gold eyes start to slip closed ever so slowly.

“Sweet dreams, Princess.” He says as he runs he hand through her hair and places a kiss to the top of her head.

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[roguestarsailor]

You know what since we’re still in quarantine and i have nothing else better to do, i need to obsess over ACOTAR. I don't like a court of frost and starlight. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why I didn't like it. I aggressively read the book in maybe a day and I closed it feeling frustrated and annoyed. My version had A Court of Silver Flames preview so that definitely contributed to my annoyance greatly.

It's because it felt too perfect. Everything that had happened -- after the entire war was fought and won, they just go back to their normal lives? Yes there were hiccups and yes there were still aspects that made every IC character feel like their problems aren’t solved yet...but it didnt feel right. yes i enjoyed the snowball fight between the bat boys, feyre + rhys sexy time, and those little comfort moments too, the slice of life type things and seeing feyre accomplishing her goals and how hopeful the future seems BUT its too fast. the good parts of the book did not offset the bad parts of it.

Feyre literally accomplished pretty much every single goal she made back in ACOMAF just like that?? within a span of what a few months? a year?? She really came back from an entire war -- probably the first war of many since she's immortal and just like that, after her 21st birthday: she gets a whole entire estate, wants to start poppin babies, opens her art studio and starts teaching kids and then acting like she can rule an entire court?? the timeline is sooo short esp since its been brought up over and over again how everyone is literally 500 years old and have a super “messy” history and their changes seems to come super dupe slowly. but feyre, who has only lived 0.000000002% of her fae life, is out here thriving just fine???

the war devastated thousands of illyrian soldiers where its changing the politics of the illyrains and the faes, all of whom feyre has responsibilities over too as high lady. the mortal queens are still at large who left the humans on prythian to die which is why feyre was willing to go to war in the first place! what about the rest of hybern and their land and residents?? they wanted to enslave humans for social and economical reasons! then what about integrating humans w deep hatred and fear with deeply prejudice fae??? there’s also spring and summer court who are literally in ruins. thats literally so much. so idk how feyre is just chillin???? she gonna let rhys do all the hard work???

like feyre sit down. u should not be having a baby. esp since it took u literally a 700 pages to heal from those 3 months UTM. ur telling me shes gonna whole heartedly bring in a newborn in a war devastated world, with civil unrest (illyrains, other courts), with the messiness of human and fae integration, with trauma u and rhys will have to continue to overcome esp after THIS war??? even helping ur sisters w their traumas??

this is a personal opinion on this subject (and maybe my thoughts will change on this later on; opened to other thoughts) but when i read the part about how that weaver/seamstress artist who made that dark quilt that feyre loved talked about how her mate of 300 years didn’t come back from the war and her biggest regret was that she didnt have a kid to remember him by i just thought ur kid isn’t some sort of memorabilia. don’t have a kid to keep the memory of ur mate alive; have a kid cuz u want a kid purely for the sake of having a kid. ur memories and photos and shit will keep their memory alive but its not having a kid. some primitive need to keep the genes alive maybe?? but the way it was phrased and then in turn how feyre was like oh i need  a baby pronto cuz rhys might die in the next war and regret not having a kid with him didn’t sit right with me. also the other couple were together for +300 years and have a rich life together, while shes been with rhys for literally two years THATS NOTHING IN FAE YEARS. thats still the honeymoon phase and also ur problems arent even close to being over!!!

everyone was shitty to nesta. in ACOMAF, we saw how much the IC went through and still did all they could to help feyre. what made them not think nesta deserve the same welcome? nesta is mean as a defense but did no one try to figure out what would help (amren got close but shes so under developed)??? feyre knows nesta feels too much and yet she continued to be shitty. continued to flaunt her wealth, her status, her familiarity/borderline know-it-all attitude about fae/night court, her ~estate~. forcing nest to the solstice party when nesta was literally like i dont belong, im looking at everyone through a window type of thing; the fire cracking triggering her, etc. what kind of power play was that when she made nesta come to her estate, where nesta could SEE how ~homey~ and how suscessful feyre is and fully see all the lovely paintings of everyone feyre loves that explicitly exclude her to tell her to fuck off to a war camp?? bro???? cas was a dick too and elaine was rude. i think a lot of his actions were meant to make her angry since anger keeps u fighting (as was the method of rhys for feyre in ACOMAF) but what he said was stupidly shitty and i demand that he apologize properly. elaine could have done more to help her sister but whatever. mor was definitely an ass too (and im upset for how little her character growth is). 

Lucein. that man can’t catch a break tbh. im happy that hes w the band of exiles cuz he is whole heartedly accepted there. feyre was definitely an asshole to him even tho he helped as much as he could throughout the books. he tries so hard w elaine as well and it did hit my heart a bit when she was like gloves to work in my garden?? no ?? i use my bare hands see oNly aZiReL sEeS mE fOr WhO i Am. and at the same feyre is like flaunting her mate status to lucein which is mean as shit. its like this man can’t find love in prythain. then tamlin sending him his box of his things??? thats for sure brutral. tam was literally his partner through it all; savior of sorts even. no love from IC, no love from elaine, no love from feyre, no love from tamlin, no love from autumn court rejected everywhere! also HIS TRUE FATHER?? HEllo??? 

then on tamlin. i pity the guy! was i suppose to feel that way??? it felt like he is allowed to get a redemption arc and maybe i’ll even root for a redemption arc??? i was absolutely excited for freysand in ACOMAF but after ACOFAS, im like tamlin is....not completely bad??? his relationship w feyre was bad and the controlling parts were very much a no-no. i dont truly understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship but i can understand that it can be insidious and its the little things that hurt the victim. and i felt  feyre through ACOMAF and rooted for her to escape her abuser! but then it felt like i dont think he was doing any of those things out of malice. ill say tamlin is a bad leader and doesn’t know how to run a court outside of what he sees his father do. his understanding on everything is based on the traditions of the past which i think fueled most of the things he did i.e. not telling feyre she was in danger since maybe his mom didn’t do those war planning things. ACOTAR showed how he truly cared/loved and took good care of feyre and her family. he even talked about how he didn’t believe in the enslavement of humans! i think that tam wanted to preserve what he thought was the good (aka feyre + her love of painting) and get back a sense of control that he and his entire court lost while chained to amarantha. but at the same time, i think he truly thought feyre wasn’t safe. he knows rhys can crush minds and knows feyre can’t read/write so when he got that letter telling him shes safe of course hes gonna flip shit and made a deal w the devil (although those temper outbursts were DEFINITIVELY not ok!!!). he also didn’t listen and has sense of he knows best when feyre was not the type of person. but feyre destroyed his entire court. he lost all his sentries who literally went out to die for him during amarantha’s reign. he lost lucien too; his trusted right hand man. his people were cursed for 50 years and then continued to suffer UTM and was in the process of rebuilding too!  but just seeing spring court, WHO BORDERS THE HUMANS, be in ruins where his subjects left him, his people left him and hes all alone in the manson?? that was sooo sad. so im like why does what feyre did not feel satisfactory????? im mad that it didn’t feel right??? maybe there wasn’t a point where feyre talked to tamlin -- like really talked to him esp w her new found voice and power, etc. anyways, i dont hate tamlin and was like oh shit i think feyre fucked up a bit there.

rhys is a dick to nesta. which made me think, if feyre wasn’t his mate would he extend the same love and care to her???  i loved how he tried so hard to make sure feyre was ok. made sure she wasn’t breaking! all of it! but for nesta, he had the audacity to use his high lord voice and be an ass overall. even tho he can see how cas is fucken in love??? even just how he talks to cass feels off too. 

i’ll even go as far as to say because of how terrible ACOFAS was, it created this intense divide within the fandom. i remember reading the first three books and was absolutely 1) rooting for freysand  2) curious about the sister relationship and how it will be mended 3) i definitely didn’t hate nesta nor did i hate elaine either -- but i was adament about them talking it out with feyre for those tough times 4) saw a more realistic and charming healing arc 5) was rooting for feyre to be a stronger voice and grow into herself 6) love the dynamic of the inner circle + feyre

but after ACOFAS, I have this intense need to defend nesta and was super mad at how she was treated after the war and in turn a deep dislike for elaine for both her lack of agency, lack of grit that made all the other characters interesting, and lack of care for her sisters (who showed how much they would risk for her). i dont hate rhys but i was extremely not happy with him and his attitude and behavior. feyre became more arrogant and was acting like how asshole rhysand would act. like her life is perfect now and i was not rooting for her anymore. freysand didn’t feel like they have complimenting qualities that made them interesting in the first place but rather they are merging to become the same person but in a bad way. that mind reading thing was cute in the beginning but it became insufferable since all thoughts were shared so seamlessly it made reading feel weird. 

anyways those are my thoughts on ACOFAS. it was a 1/5 stars for me and im mad those events transpired. reading the other books made me excited to know what was gonna happen and i was truly ready to accept the characters as flawed and nuanced as they are. im not mad about character not liking each other but i am mad that everything felt off. ACOFAS just felt regressive in some parts and forced in other parts. i know not everything ends in a nice tied up bow but this book single handily ruined what i thought about these characters in the worse way possible. this book wasn’t suppose to wrap up all the problems that exists in the other books but it didn’t feel hopeful like i thought it would. it didn’t feel wrapped up and didn’t feel like i should be excited about the next books. theres so many missing pieces i feel that i think need explaining and at the same time, i think it introduced too many problems at once which made it feel like its jumping around everywhere. although im still excited for ACOSF because i love nesta, and nesta deserves so much better and i want to have hope that this bad ending will either make sense later on or it was just a blimp.