#the joke here is like. everything ive mentioned is cheesy and bad . but its still way fucking better than genloss.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

its so painfully obvious that a lot of these people have genuinely never experienced a better piece of media. it makes me sad fr. like. guy who has only ever seen the dream smp "getting a lot of dream smp vibes from this" im begging you to please go watch a horror movie from the 80s. go read a goosebumps book or a creepypasta for gods sake .

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

[sun-summoning]

just some sarada and sakura stories 

i. future

sarada’s favourite version of dress up involves taking parts of her mother’s gear that she no longer uses, particular armour that’s too big for her and a cat mask of porcelain that has been long put to rest. sarada runs around the house draped in black and with the mask on her face, leaping from one piece of furniture to the other while explaining that the floor is lava. 

when sakura enters the room, walking over said lava, sarada turns to her dinosaur and rabbit teammates and tell them that lady blossom is here and that they mustn’t fall for the tricks hidden in her apron.

her mother raises an eyebrow at her. “am i supposed to be the bad guy?”

“yes, mama!”

“what should i do?”

“bad guy things, duh.”

her mother laughs and agrees and soon she has sarada struggling in her embrace.

“no, mama!” sarada yells. “too tight!”

her mother loosens her grip but still holds on to her. “i have you now,” she declares in her evil voice.

“you’ll never get away with this!”

“and time for my secret move,” her mother continues. sarada tenses. “kiss attack!” soon her mother is pressing sloppy kisses to her forehead and cheeks and sarada starts to giggle because she’s ticklish. she yells that she concedes and when her mother’s barrage subsides, sarada pouts at her. 

“when i’m bigger, i’m going to be way stronger,” she declares.

“i’m sure you will, sweetheart.”

“i’m going to smash the ground like you can, mama.” she bites her lip. “when i’m bigger, will you show me how to do that?”

her mother makes a fist and grins and sarada makes one too. “you bet i will.”

-

ii. modern au

when sarada comes home and finds her mother using her laptop, she panics and almost trips on her feet as she grabs the computer away. 

“sarada!” her mother yelps in surprise. she frowns, more concerned that annoyed. “what are you doing--”

“why are you using my laptop?!”

her mother blinks. “you mentioned that you wanted to take a trip together during your school holidays, so i was just doing some research,” she explains. 

she speaks so slowly, so calmly, that sarada remembers that maybe she needed to relax.

“you kids these days.” her mother just shakes her head. “so attached to your devices.”

sarada pouts. “i’m not--”

her mother just pulls her down to the couch, gently prying away the laptop and settling it over both of their laps. she goes through a few tabs, showing sarada some places she was thinking of bringing her. they discuss their family trip and how fun it would be to go to the beach together and bury papa in the sand, and when they’re done, her mother glances at sarada and asks:

“and what was with that reaction earlier, missy?” her mother closes the laptop and puts it on the table. she turns her body and sarada grimaces, realizing they’re about to have a serious discussion. great. “are you hiding something?”

“no!” but sarada answers too quickly. she curses herself, because what kind of ninja would be so poor at hiding information. her mother raises an eyebrow, and knowing that the world’s strongest kunoichi probably has ways of making her talk, sarada rubs the back of her neck and admits almost indiscernibly, “i, um, write, you know, like, stuff.”

“what was that?”

“i like to write.”

when sarada looks up, her mother is nodding and smiling. “can i read--”

“no!” 

her mother isn’t even remotely fazed by all her yelling. “alright then--”

“like, it’s fan fiction.” sarada doesn’t even want to consider how red her face must be right now. “just. stuff. modern aus. fantasy aus. whatever. stop asking questions, mama, jeez!”

-

iii. inheritance

“mama!” sarada yells from the attic. “ma!” she yells again when she gets no repsonse. “maaaaaaaa!”

“yeah?” sakura shouts from downstairs.

“mama, i found your old forehead protector!” sarada has the decency to stand at the edge of the attic entrance. 

“what was that?”

“your forehead protector!”

“what?”

“your forehead protector!”

“oh! okay?”

“can i use it?”

“can you what?”

“can i use it?”

“what--”

“what is wrong with the two of you?!” her father growls when he stomps down the hallway. 

he looks up the ladder at sarada, glaring at her, and then turns his furious gaze to the office where he knows her mother is. “stop yelling across the house!” he scolds. her mother comes into view, having come a little closer so they could try having a quieter conversation. her father continues chiding them, but her mother lets out a guilty giggle that sarada can’t help but share.

“we are very sorry anata,” her mother says. 

“yeah.” sarada tries not to grin too widely. “sorry papa.”

he just rolls his eyes when they start laughing again and walks away. 

her mother soon joins her in the attic. “what were you saying, sweetheart?”

sarada holds up the forehead protector she’d found in a box of her mother’s old things. based on the photos she’s seen, this is the one her mother used when she was in her teens. it’s a little scratched up, but to sarada that just adds to its wonder. her mother took down some of her biggest bads wearing this thing.

can i use this? she wants to ask, but sarada shakes her head. “i’m going to use this,” she declares. 

her mother rests a hand on her head. “yeah?”

“yeah,” sarada says. “is that okay?”

“of course it is.”

-

iv. picture frame

one day sarada finds a box of old photographs and wonders why they’ve never been framed. they’re clearly from her childhood, sometimes featuring her grandparents or naruto or ino, but mostly they’re of her and her mother. when she asks why they’re in a box, her mother looks sad.

“i didn’t want to remind you of the fact that it was just the two of us,” her mother admits.

sarada looks at the first few: her and her mother having a picnic, her and her mother at the beach, her and her mother with their garden. they’re all close-ups, selfies taken by her mother or with a tripod, reminding sarada that it really was just the two of them for quite some time.

“and i didn’t want to hurt your father like that either.”

sarada’s lips thin. her mother has always been painfully kind, and sarada hates hearing about the sacrifices she’s made for for her. 

“but,” her mother continues, “i couldn’t stop myself.” she shrugs. “really, these photos were just for me.” she moves to take the box back but sarada shakes her head and brings it to her chest.

“no,” sarada whines. “they’re mine now.” her mother raises an eyebrow and sarada just shrugs. “fine. they’re ours. can i take a few and frame them?”

her mother just smiles. “take whichever ones you want.”

-

v. “because we have you..."

sarada reads a lot, from ninjutsu scrolls to medical texts to trashy romance novels. she can’t help but enjoy the excessiveness of the latter books, and sometimes she wonders how her parents were able to be away from each other for so long.

“were you ever worried?” sarada asks her mother. it might be rude, but her curiosity is getting the better of her. and she knows their bond. sarada could never ask her father something like this without the mood dampening severely. with her mother, they can turn this into a joke.

“worried that he’d what, cheat on me?”

“yeah.”

her mother actually snorts. “oh, no, not at all.”

“really?” sarada glances at the novel she’d been reading. the husband had stayed faithful during his years away from his wife, but that didn’t stop the drama caused by another character implying infidelity. “how come?”

“how come i believed my husband would be faithful to me, his wife?” 

sarada rolls her eyes. “you don’t have to be a smartass.”

her mother laughs. “i’m not trying to be,” she teases. “many reasons. he would never do that to you, for one.”

“that wouldn’t have anything to do with me...”

“it would have everything to do with you,” her mother points out. “he would never do anything to hurt our family. you father loves you so much, sarada.”

“but it’s not about me.”

“well and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me either.” her mother stops folding the laundry. she glances at sarada’s novel and rolls her eyes at its cheesy cover. “sasuke loves me,” she says. she sounds a little exasperated, as if she’d had to have this conversation too many times, but for her child, she’d power through it once more. “before i was his wife, i was his friend and i was his teammate, and he would never do something to damage our relationship like that.”

“oh.” sarada rubs her neck and wonders why she had to ask about this at all. “o--okay.”

“and besides,” her mother continues, “that’s just not who your father is. something like infidelity -- it’s entirely out of character for him.”

-

vi. through her eyes

one morning sarada looks at herself and wonders what she might be like had she had green eyes. 

it’s a simple thing, but sarada thinks it would make many changes to her life.

for one, she thinks people would have seen her mother in her with a little less struggle. sarada gets it. she’s every bit her father from his colouring to his attitude to his sharingan. but that’s it. nurture was the biggest part of her upbringing and sarada is just like her mother in so many ways undetectable ways.

she probably wouldn’t have been so doubtful during her adolescence, either. deep down, sarada knows her idea was, ultimately, really stupid. 

glasses? glasses? she thought she might have had a different mother because of glasses? she doesn’t even want to think about how needlessly convoluted the story would have been, how insulting it would have been to everyone involved, and how utterly absurd it all would be had her stupid, stupid glasses theory been true.

what was she even thinking?

she hurt her mother with those doubts, but her mother is so painfully, foolishly kind and barely spared the apology a moment of thought.

sarada looks at her reflection and thinks she looks like her father, but if she concentrates for a moment, she sees her mother there too.

she’s there in the way sarada smiles, the way she stays confident and leads and comforts others when need be. 

she’s there in the way sarada’s hands seek to help those in need. she shatters the ground like her mother, mends wounds like her mother. she doesn’t have the same medical precision, but her mother taught her enough first aid.

and she’s there in the way sarada looks out and is able the best in others. she’s there in sarada’s capacity for hope.

-

vii. freestyle

when sarada becomes hokage she gains access to a lot more information. she knows she can learn more about her clan’s heritage, but she also feels like that’s something she should address with her father personally. they’ve discussed a few things, but he seems to think he’s protecting her from something so sarada has learned to just leave him alone.

there is one piece of information that catches her off guard though. she goes straight to her parents’ house and with her father out tending to the garden, she sits across from her mother. she drops her hat onto the table and asks her mother:

“why didn’t you become hokage?”

her mother blinks. she’s retired but she’s still one of the finest kunoichi this world has ever seen and she maintains her soft smile. “what do you mean, darling?”

sarada rolls her eyes. “stop that.”

“stop what?”

“pretending.”

“i’m not--”

“i know it was unofficial, but there are still some records,” sarada points out. “tsunade-sama and kakashi asked you to be the next hokage. what...what happened?”

“what happened?” her mother echoes, still grinning. she rolls her eyes as if this is a silly question and then she shrugs. “lots of things really.”

“don’t give me that.”

“it’s true.”

“mama--”

“you happened, sarada.” it sounds like a jab, but her mother reaches across the table to hold her hand. she smiles the way she does when she wants sarada to understand something, but sarada can’t quite comprehend this.

sarada has wanted this role for so long that sometimes she doesn’t remember why she ever did. and to find out it was offered to her mother long ago? and her mother declined it? 

“the hokage must devote so much of their time and their life to the village,” her mother explains. she’s said this before to sarada. “i couldn’t do that. i didn’t want to have to be away from you. maybe i’m selfish, choosing you over this village, but i made the right choice and i know it.” she touches sarada’s cheek. “after all, look at what you’ve become.”

sarada wonders what her life would have been like had her mother taken up the mantle when it was offered to her.

would her father have left? would the world still be the same had he not gathered the intel he did in his absence? would she and her mother still have been close? probably not. the seventh loves boruto and boruto loves him too, but their bond is so tense and awkward and love or not, their relationship could never compare to what sarada has with her mother.

sarada considers all the past hokage, so many of them childless, and the ones that did have families ended up fairly estranged. would that have been her and her mother? if her mother had been the seventh, would she have been painting obscenities on the mountain? and god forbid, if her father still had to leave too, what then? would she have been raised by her grandparents? would she--

"i never wanted the role, anyway,” her mother clarifies. 

sarada can’t help but snort, because according to the seventh, even her father once made a comment about one day being hokage.

“i wanted to be stronger, i wanted to make the world a better place, and i wanted to make sure your father was happy,” her mother summarizes. “and then when you came along, all i wanted was to make sure you had the best life i could offer you.”

which, sarada understands, she never could have done as hokage. 

“oh,” sarada breathes. “o--okay.”

her goals were so simple it’s almost baffling, but her mother has always been a fairly simple woman. sarada nods and wonders why this revelation is so reeling. maybe it’s because given the importance of being hokage to sarada, the fact that her mother could decline it so easily implies just so much.

“you’re my baby,” her mother says.

“mom.”

“you are!” 

“ugh--”

“oh stop that.” her mother rolls her eyes. “you think because you’re hokage now, you aren’t my little girl?” she shakes her head. “you’ll always be my baby, sarada.”

“yeah, yeah...”

sarada stays a bit longer, asking about how they’re doing and how boring retirement is and if they’ve developed new old people hobbies. eventually the sun starts to set and her father comes back inside and says he’ll get dinner started. when they ask sarada to join, she declines gently. she slacked off the whole afternoon, after all, just chatting with her mother. 

“you did it, by the way,” sarada tells her as she stands. she grabs her hat off the table and her mother stands too, pulling sarada into her arms. 

“did what, sweetheart?”

sarada grins. “you gave me the best life you could offer. thank you, mama.”

-

fin