#the joke here is like. everything ive mentioned is cheesy and bad . but its still way fucking better than genloss.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

its so painfully obvious that a lot of these people have genuinely never experienced a better piece of media. it makes me sad fr. like. guy who has only ever seen the dream smp "getting a lot of dream smp vibes from this" im begging you to please go watch a horror movie from the 80s. go read a goosebumps book or a creepypasta for gods sake .

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

[shidoukanae]

YGO! Questionnaire

Tagged by @cipher-wise​

Favorite series:

My favorite series based on what I watched and enjoyed would have to be Arc-V!!! It's honestly the series that got me to adore YGO when previously I'd seen YGO as, and I chilidishly quote, "uncool". Everything about Arc-V is pretty much wonderful: Yuya's presence as a "everyone MUST be happy" kind of character in a plot that discusses themes of war, revenge, and despair is absolutely refreshing (especially when Yuya's ideals of happiness are stripped from him and made a mockery of by, *coughs* one of my favorite characters in the franchise *coughs*). 

I love how the four Yuu boys are a wonderful combination of "protagonists" (/anatagonists) and how they each play off of each other's weaknesses and strengths, often acting as mirrors to each other in their individual dimensions while having amazing interactions (Yugo and Yuri, anyone? Yuri and Yuya?).

I admire how the endgame plot is a perversion of Yuya's ideals: he gets what he wants, showering happiness upon all, but that "happiness" is corrupted into the notion of entertainment. While Yuya seeks to provide people with smiles and laughter, to give them hope to work together through tough times and to stay strong in the face of adversity, his "counterparts" in the endgame are really good at acting as Yuya's mirror: showing that his style of performing can also be used to appease the bloodthirst of one's own self and that happiness can be corrupted into self-deserving power.

...Hard to put that into exact words without spoiling a lot of things but, gosh, let's just say that Yuri and ____ are the perfect mirrors to Yuya in terms of what his entertainment dueling style is meant to be.

The plot over all is pretty good! I won't lie and say it stands strong all the way throughout the story but the first half is amazing and there are some pretty strong episodes in the second half (Yugo and Rin, the parasite episodes in general, Yuri Yuri YURI). I can definitely say that the humor is there, the characters are amazing (if nothing else, watch for the Yuu Boys, the Bracelet Gals, and Shun versus Sora!!) and having come into the show around episode 104, I was pleasantly surprised by the trip Arc-V brought me and how it played with its protagonist, giving him hope, kicking him down, and toying with his mind - just like the way a warzone might to any idealistic individual.

In terms of other series, I like VRAINS but only up to like episode 19 (or the end of the Data Bank arc). It had potential and I kept hoping it would get better but the plot was constantly floundering, there are plot holes abundant (sewer monsters, ugh), character development is inconsistent not to mention very shallow, VRAINS has some of the best side characters but they're kicked to the curb by a bland protagonist and a villain that could've been so much cooler but they made him a sympathetic mess.

...I have a lot of gripes with VRAINS but, if it were to ever be rewritten with clear goalposts and plot twists in mind (not to mention development on ideas like Charisma Duelists because at the end of the show I still have not a fucking clue what a Charisma Duelists is or was) I would say it has potential to become my favorite series but Arc-V clearly beats it for me in every category lmao.

Zexal’s also really good too!!! I don’t get all the hate behind it because it’s actually really interesting and engaging (also IV’s definition of fanservice is literally the only type of fanservice I will ever accept) and I think I’ve even cried a couple of times during the course of the plot which is like,,, shocking considering it’s not a show I thought I’d cry over (I cried in Arc-V too but goddamn does tiny Yuya just want to make you tear up lmao). This show is really good emotionally and it’s literally so stupid how Kaito carries a lot of the early and middle game of the show yet most of the meat of the plot doesn’t begin to unravel until the second season.

Also, if you ever want to watch a show of 100+ episodes that is so masterfully written that there is foreshadowing for stuff in like episode 130+ on EPISODE ONE, please watch this. Literally there are so many hints of what is going to happen in the future in the early episodes and you won’t really be able to tell what those hints are until you’ve finished the show but goddamn when you go back and rewatch things it does indeed feel amazing how much foreshadowing they threaded into the show without you ever knowing...(please don’t search for spoilers if you intend to watch this. I went into the show knowing some spoilers tho not all and, while I was still pleased by what I watched, I honestly can agree the show is A Lot Better without knowing ANYTHING)

Favorite Protagonist: Yuya. For sure, out of all the series, Yuya. 

He’s a refreshing protagonist, especially considering he shines in a world of war and despair. He’s also someone who you empathize with right at the start and want to hope in, especially since he is the “happiness” in a word of “madness” and “sorrow”. He’s not someone out to save the world (not really, anyways), but his actions touch on the lives of others anyways, giving people in a hope in a world that is otherwise cruel and heartless. Also, it really helps that he’s able to pull you into his world of “egaos”, making you believe in him and root for him despite how cheesy his ideals may or may not sound.

Also love how, despite being the centerpiece of “happiness”, Yuya isn’t allowed to always be happy :> Not spoiling plot related things but if you like protagonists going off the rails insane at times, Yuya’s definitely a fun protagonist for that!!!

Favorite Rival:

Kaito Tenjou!!! Literally the best rival in the series that I’ve seen. Everything about him is literally perfect ngl. From the way he’s chillingly introduced, with the spine-tingling whistles and cruel, almost merciless nature, to the way he slowly becomes sympathetic while also remaining a terrifying presence whenever he appears...I love him????

Favorite BFF:

Does Shoichi count? Because like...he’s Yusaku’s closest friend and ally in the series and I generally don’t pay attention to the other BFF’s in the other series (or at least, the ones I can recall bc I know in Zexal that Yuma has a whole group of friends lmao).

But I like Shoichi!! He cares about Yusaku a lot, is pretty damn cool as a sidekick hacker, his sideplot with his brother was actually honestly endearing and I loved the mystery about him. His early-game jokes w/ Ai to tease Yusaku were also a good laugh.

Favorite GFF: 

Not a girl friend forever for the main protagonist (although she like...lowkey confessed to him...though that plot really never went anywhere so I still don’t know what the fuck THAT was about) but,,, Ema Bessho,,

If y’all knew me back in my peak YGO days when VRAINS was airing,,, this gal was and STILL is my favorite girl of the YGO series. Even though she was pretty much done dirty imo I still love her (even despite considering she’s been made a damsel-in-distress at least three times, she’s only ever won one duel on-screen despite being supposedly good at dueling, ngl they could’ve done so much more with her but tbh she’s mostly just an asset to solve problems at whim and barely gets character development/does nothing but watch and spectate stuff late-game).

Even though she’s like...the unfortunate side character who’s probably meant to be more fanservice than interesting, in the first 19 episodes (and even the Revolver vs. her fight as well as the one time she meets Aoi IRL early-game) made her out to be a lot cooler and complex than she ended up being. I mean,,, a hacker gal who’s self-serving, cynical, and cold-hearted taking on the tasks of her (potentially ex) boyfriend while being really nice to his sister to the point she baffles even herself,,, we could’ve had a really unique and cool character to play around with here but instead we got...cool-ass character with potential to be something more reduced to a spectator with nothing better to do than idolize the main protagonist and have a plot with her brother that honestly detracted from her character more than it added to it imo.

Also Ema could’ve been a female Yuri but,,, nope,,, they decided she was better as a background piece instead TwT

Favorite Villain: Yuri.

Literally Yuri.

I could choose the leather jacket w/ fluff boi in a certain series because hot damn was that guy convincing AF that he wasn’t an evil psychopath (and even while knowing that he was, I still got fooled into thinking he was a good guy somehow omg) however,,, I’ve always held a love for Yuri and the way he’s been portrayed.

Despite ALWAYS being the bad guy, the show has always made this purple fucker into the most entertaining character on-screen. He even beats Yuya sometimes in terms of how entertaining he is - that’s literally how good he is,,

Also his facial expressions are amazing, he’s a VERY VALID threat to the main cast (and his creeper levels are not only off the charts but literally called out by the main female protagonist herself lmao), and he acts as the perfect foil to Yuya, battling not to entertain others but to entertain himself.

Also, he likes killing people.

No this is not a joke.

He literally likes killing people. And is pretty sadistic about it, too.

(^^^^ for those who don’t get the joke, “Fusion” is pronounced “Yuugo” which sounds similar to “Yugo” which is what,,, Yuri is making fun of,,, more context is needed of course but this is a Great Running Gag)

Favorite card:

I don’t know if it actually exists as an actual card but...that crystal dragon from the YGO movie with the glass pyramid. Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon...it’s really pretty...I love it...

Favorite Episode:

I’m...too lazy to search for names of these episodes but I can give brief summaries of them,,, because I can’t choose,,,

Arc-V: Shun vs. Sora (ALL episodes). Hot damn if you have never watched YGO but want to try and see for yourself why people like it: WATCH THESE EPISODES. I can’t explain how amazing these episodes are and, while I admit jumping straight into them might have you missing out on some important context (such as who Shun is or why Sora’s battle tactics lead to revelation) it’s honestly an amazing fight regardless. The battle starts off plain enough - there’s obvious tension, it seems like a typical fight of a battle royale, etc. - my god does the battle ramp up in emotional tension and promptly kick you in the gut with not only how blindsided you’ve been, but it also showcases just how cruel these “entertainment duels” can really get.

Any episode with Yuri. Literally any episode he’s in. 

I think this is like...episode 8 of VRAINS...but whenever it is that Akira hires Ema to find the reason why Aoi just...straight up got knocked into a coma. Literally this is my favorite episode when it comes to Ema. The way she makes fun of Akira even while aware of his situation,,, her cruel selfishness and desire for money bubbling to the surface, the way she confesses how she can’t be trusted willingly and still asks Akira why he’s hiring her,,, god I love this episode in terms of what Ema could’ve always been.

Episode 13 (/14?) of Zexal!!! This is the episode Kaito appears and when the show REALLY picks up. Kaito is a fun bastard of a rival and tbh I don’t think I’ll ever stop getting chills of him walking in, debris frozen in time all around him, as he approaches his victim, whistling an eerie children’s tune as he gets ready to close in for the kill,,,,

Favorite Deck to Use:

I don’t...really play the game itself but...I have used a couple of decks and I guess you can say I really love Raid Raptors??? First of all, those warbirds make really fun sounds I love ‘em in the anime but they’re also just fun to use in general (even tho I used a,,, very basic deck for them,,, I love them still).

Fusion, Ritual, Synchro, XYZ, Pendulum or Link:

XYZ bc it’s really the only summoning method I’m used to lol :P. Also XYZ loyalist I guess???? 

Years in fandom: roughly five to six years iirc? I mean, I was a fan of the early day YGO and watched it as a kid but not active enough to be in the fandom for it lmao. Also not in the fandom atm because Sevens lost my attention (it’s a good show!!! I’m just unfortunately more a fan of things with serious plots and darker themes and it’s hard for me to stomach slice-of-life shows that don’t focus on a mature and engaging plot). However, Arc-V and Zexal holds a special place in my heart (as does VRAINS, begrudgingly) and so I occasionally find myself wandering back to these shows like right now,,, 

[sun-summoning]

just some sarada and sakura stories 

i. future

sarada’s favourite version of dress up involves taking parts of her mother’s gear that she no longer uses, particular armour that’s too big for her and a cat mask of porcelain that has been long put to rest. sarada runs around the house draped in black and with the mask on her face, leaping from one piece of furniture to the other while explaining that the floor is lava. 

when sakura enters the room, walking over said lava, sarada turns to her dinosaur and rabbit teammates and tell them that lady blossom is here and that they mustn’t fall for the tricks hidden in her apron.

her mother raises an eyebrow at her. “am i supposed to be the bad guy?”

“yes, mama!”

“what should i do?”

“bad guy things, duh.”

her mother laughs and agrees and soon she has sarada struggling in her embrace.

“no, mama!” sarada yells. “too tight!”

her mother loosens her grip but still holds on to her. “i have you now,” she declares in her evil voice.

“you’ll never get away with this!”

“and time for my secret move,” her mother continues. sarada tenses. “kiss attack!” soon her mother is pressing sloppy kisses to her forehead and cheeks and sarada starts to giggle because she’s ticklish. she yells that she concedes and when her mother’s barrage subsides, sarada pouts at her. 

“when i’m bigger, i’m going to be way stronger,” she declares.

“i’m sure you will, sweetheart.”

“i’m going to smash the ground like you can, mama.” she bites her lip. “when i’m bigger, will you show me how to do that?”

her mother makes a fist and grins and sarada makes one too. “you bet i will.”

-

ii. modern au

when sarada comes home and finds her mother using her laptop, she panics and almost trips on her feet as she grabs the computer away. 

“sarada!” her mother yelps in surprise. she frowns, more concerned that annoyed. “what are you doing--”

“why are you using my laptop?!”

her mother blinks. “you mentioned that you wanted to take a trip together during your school holidays, so i was just doing some research,” she explains. 

she speaks so slowly, so calmly, that sarada remembers that maybe she needed to relax.

“you kids these days.” her mother just shakes her head. “so attached to your devices.”

sarada pouts. “i’m not--”

her mother just pulls her down to the couch, gently prying away the laptop and settling it over both of their laps. she goes through a few tabs, showing sarada some places she was thinking of bringing her. they discuss their family trip and how fun it would be to go to the beach together and bury papa in the sand, and when they’re done, her mother glances at sarada and asks:

“and what was with that reaction earlier, missy?” her mother closes the laptop and puts it on the table. she turns her body and sarada grimaces, realizing they’re about to have a serious discussion. great. “are you hiding something?”

“no!” but sarada answers too quickly. she curses herself, because what kind of ninja would be so poor at hiding information. her mother raises an eyebrow, and knowing that the world’s strongest kunoichi probably has ways of making her talk, sarada rubs the back of her neck and admits almost indiscernibly, “i, um, write, you know, like, stuff.”

“what was that?”

“i like to write.”

when sarada looks up, her mother is nodding and smiling. “can i read--”

“no!” 

her mother isn’t even remotely fazed by all her yelling. “alright then--”

“like, it’s fan fiction.” sarada doesn’t even want to consider how red her face must be right now. “just. stuff. modern aus. fantasy aus. whatever. stop asking questions, mama, jeez!”

-

iii. inheritance

“mama!” sarada yells from the attic. “ma!” she yells again when she gets no repsonse. “maaaaaaaa!”

“yeah?” sakura shouts from downstairs.

“mama, i found your old forehead protector!” sarada has the decency to stand at the edge of the attic entrance. 

“what was that?”

“your forehead protector!”

“what?”

“your forehead protector!”

“oh! okay?”

“can i use it?”

“can you what?”

“can i use it?”

“what--”

“what is wrong with the two of you?!” her father growls when he stomps down the hallway. 

he looks up the ladder at sarada, glaring at her, and then turns his furious gaze to the office where he knows her mother is. “stop yelling across the house!” he scolds. her mother comes into view, having come a little closer so they could try having a quieter conversation. her father continues chiding them, but her mother lets out a guilty giggle that sarada can’t help but share.

“we are very sorry anata,” her mother says. 

“yeah.” sarada tries not to grin too widely. “sorry papa.”

he just rolls his eyes when they start laughing again and walks away. 

her mother soon joins her in the attic. “what were you saying, sweetheart?”

sarada holds up the forehead protector she’d found in a box of her mother’s old things. based on the photos she’s seen, this is the one her mother used when she was in her teens. it’s a little scratched up, but to sarada that just adds to its wonder. her mother took down some of her biggest bads wearing this thing.

can i use this? she wants to ask, but sarada shakes her head. “i’m going to use this,” she declares. 

her mother rests a hand on her head. “yeah?”

“yeah,” sarada says. “is that okay?”

“of course it is.”

-

iv. picture frame

one day sarada finds a box of old photographs and wonders why they’ve never been framed. they’re clearly from her childhood, sometimes featuring her grandparents or naruto or ino, but mostly they’re of her and her mother. when she asks why they’re in a box, her mother looks sad.

“i didn’t want to remind you of the fact that it was just the two of us,” her mother admits.

sarada looks at the first few: her and her mother having a picnic, her and her mother at the beach, her and her mother with their garden. they’re all close-ups, selfies taken by her mother or with a tripod, reminding sarada that it really was just the two of them for quite some time.

“and i didn’t want to hurt your father like that either.”

sarada’s lips thin. her mother has always been painfully kind, and sarada hates hearing about the sacrifices she’s made for for her. 

“but,” her mother continues, “i couldn’t stop myself.” she shrugs. “really, these photos were just for me.” she moves to take the box back but sarada shakes her head and brings it to her chest.

“no,” sarada whines. “they’re mine now.” her mother raises an eyebrow and sarada just shrugs. “fine. they’re ours. can i take a few and frame them?”

her mother just smiles. “take whichever ones you want.”

-

v. “because we have you..."

sarada reads a lot, from ninjutsu scrolls to medical texts to trashy romance novels. she can’t help but enjoy the excessiveness of the latter books, and sometimes she wonders how her parents were able to be away from each other for so long.

“were you ever worried?” sarada asks her mother. it might be rude, but her curiosity is getting the better of her. and she knows their bond. sarada could never ask her father something like this without the mood dampening severely. with her mother, they can turn this into a joke.

“worried that he’d what, cheat on me?”

“yeah.”

her mother actually snorts. “oh, no, not at all.”

“really?” sarada glances at the novel she’d been reading. the husband had stayed faithful during his years away from his wife, but that didn’t stop the drama caused by another character implying infidelity. “how come?”

“how come i believed my husband would be faithful to me, his wife?” 

sarada rolls her eyes. “you don’t have to be a smartass.”

her mother laughs. “i’m not trying to be,” she teases. “many reasons. he would never do that to you, for one.”

“that wouldn’t have anything to do with me...”

“it would have everything to do with you,” her mother points out. “he would never do anything to hurt our family. you father loves you so much, sarada.”

“but it’s not about me.”

“well and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me either.” her mother stops folding the laundry. she glances at sarada’s novel and rolls her eyes at its cheesy cover. “sasuke loves me,” she says. she sounds a little exasperated, as if she’d had to have this conversation too many times, but for her child, she’d power through it once more. “before i was his wife, i was his friend and i was his teammate, and he would never do something to damage our relationship like that.”

“oh.” sarada rubs her neck and wonders why she had to ask about this at all. “o--okay.”

“and besides,” her mother continues, “that’s just not who your father is. something like infidelity -- it’s entirely out of character for him.”

-

vi. through her eyes

one morning sarada looks at herself and wonders what she might be like had she had green eyes. 

it’s a simple thing, but sarada thinks it would make many changes to her life.

for one, she thinks people would have seen her mother in her with a little less struggle. sarada gets it. she’s every bit her father from his colouring to his attitude to his sharingan. but that’s it. nurture was the biggest part of her upbringing and sarada is just like her mother in so many ways undetectable ways.

she probably wouldn’t have been so doubtful during her adolescence, either. deep down, sarada knows her idea was, ultimately, really stupid. 

glasses? glasses? she thought she might have had a different mother because of glasses? she doesn’t even want to think about how needlessly convoluted the story would have been, how insulting it would have been to everyone involved, and how utterly absurd it all would be had her stupid, stupid glasses theory been true.

what was she even thinking?

she hurt her mother with those doubts, but her mother is so painfully, foolishly kind and barely spared the apology a moment of thought.

sarada looks at her reflection and thinks she looks like her father, but if she concentrates for a moment, she sees her mother there too.

she’s there in the way sarada smiles, the way she stays confident and leads and comforts others when need be. 

she’s there in the way sarada’s hands seek to help those in need. she shatters the ground like her mother, mends wounds like her mother. she doesn’t have the same medical precision, but her mother taught her enough first aid.

and she’s there in the way sarada looks out and is able the best in others. she’s there in sarada’s capacity for hope.

-

vii. freestyle

when sarada becomes hokage she gains access to a lot more information. she knows she can learn more about her clan’s heritage, but she also feels like that’s something she should address with her father personally. they’ve discussed a few things, but he seems to think he’s protecting her from something so sarada has learned to just leave him alone.

there is one piece of information that catches her off guard though. she goes straight to her parents’ house and with her father out tending to the garden, she sits across from her mother. she drops her hat onto the table and asks her mother:

“why didn’t you become hokage?”

her mother blinks. she’s retired but she’s still one of the finest kunoichi this world has ever seen and she maintains her soft smile. “what do you mean, darling?”

sarada rolls her eyes. “stop that.”

“stop what?”

“pretending.”

“i’m not--”

“i know it was unofficial, but there are still some records,” sarada points out. “tsunade-sama and kakashi asked you to be the next hokage. what...what happened?”

“what happened?” her mother echoes, still grinning. she rolls her eyes as if this is a silly question and then she shrugs. “lots of things really.”

“don’t give me that.”

“it’s true.”

“mama--”

“you happened, sarada.” it sounds like a jab, but her mother reaches across the table to hold her hand. she smiles the way she does when she wants sarada to understand something, but sarada can’t quite comprehend this.

sarada has wanted this role for so long that sometimes she doesn’t remember why she ever did. and to find out it was offered to her mother long ago? and her mother declined it? 

“the hokage must devote so much of their time and their life to the village,” her mother explains. she’s said this before to sarada. “i couldn’t do that. i didn’t want to have to be away from you. maybe i’m selfish, choosing you over this village, but i made the right choice and i know it.” she touches sarada’s cheek. “after all, look at what you’ve become.”

sarada wonders what her life would have been like had her mother taken up the mantle when it was offered to her.

would her father have left? would the world still be the same had he not gathered the intel he did in his absence? would she and her mother still have been close? probably not. the seventh loves boruto and boruto loves him too, but their bond is so tense and awkward and love or not, their relationship could never compare to what sarada has with her mother.

sarada considers all the past hokage, so many of them childless, and the ones that did have families ended up fairly estranged. would that have been her and her mother? if her mother had been the seventh, would she have been painting obscenities on the mountain? and god forbid, if her father still had to leave too, what then? would she have been raised by her grandparents? would she--

"i never wanted the role, anyway,” her mother clarifies. 

sarada can’t help but snort, because according to the seventh, even her father once made a comment about one day being hokage.

“i wanted to be stronger, i wanted to make the world a better place, and i wanted to make sure your father was happy,” her mother summarizes. “and then when you came along, all i wanted was to make sure you had the best life i could offer you.”

which, sarada understands, she never could have done as hokage. 

“oh,” sarada breathes. “o--okay.”

her goals were so simple it’s almost baffling, but her mother has always been a fairly simple woman. sarada nods and wonders why this revelation is so reeling. maybe it’s because given the importance of being hokage to sarada, the fact that her mother could decline it so easily implies just so much.

“you’re my baby,” her mother says.

“mom.”

“you are!” 

“ugh--”

“oh stop that.” her mother rolls her eyes. “you think because you’re hokage now, you aren’t my little girl?” she shakes her head. “you’ll always be my baby, sarada.”

“yeah, yeah...”

sarada stays a bit longer, asking about how they’re doing and how boring retirement is and if they’ve developed new old people hobbies. eventually the sun starts to set and her father comes back inside and says he’ll get dinner started. when they ask sarada to join, she declines gently. she slacked off the whole afternoon, after all, just chatting with her mother. 

“you did it, by the way,” sarada tells her as she stands. she grabs her hat off the table and her mother stands too, pulling sarada into her arms. 

“did what, sweetheart?”

sarada grins. “you gave me the best life you could offer. thank you, mama.”

-

fin