#the intimacy of them first discovering and mapping and adoring and learning each other so intensely……

[t4tstarvingdog]

sometimes i like to think about the first time cas and dean start kissing more deliberately. not exactly in a sexually seeking way, though it is erotic. dean not even taking the briefest moment to just blink because making steady, deep eye contact with cas as he puts his hand in his hair… tugs his head back just a bit… begins kissing hot, heavy, searing kisses up cas’ neck…. is more important. seeing the way cas looks back, eyes sparking. feeling the way he breathes and stutters beneath his lips. the flush of his cheeks and the pink of his lips and the dart of tongue peeking out as cas’ mouth goes dry. fever gaze. the newness. the raw wound of it. their whole being covered in tandem electricity as they burn and blaze and kiss and breathe and discover this sparkling feeling together. finally being able to let the buzzing feeling swell up until it floods under their skin like the tang of a battery jolting at every nerve ending they’ve ever had.

[bleulone]

i love your analysis so much! i have a question as well, like, how do you envision polin's sex scenes ? thanks for your answer (:

    Hey! Thank you very much :)) I have no idea if they are that even good but I’m happy you like them. It’s just my brain tending to produce some iNsIGhiTfUL analyses though they usually end up drowned under a huge wave of stupidity and horrid spelling/grammatical mistakes XD. So, about Penelope and Colin’ sex scenes, I guess we’re getting spicy in this house 🌶. I mean, I don’t blame you. Who’s not hot for Polin ?! The steamy Polin hours have already begun and they’re legit challenging my patience. (Be still my Polin heart, be still).

   Okay, without further ado, let’s talk about sex baby, shall we ? It’s a pretty long answer/meta so bear with me.

    I don’t know if you’ve read Romancing Mister Bridgerton, but a quick reminder (for those who haven’t... yet), there are a bunch of iconic steamy scenes that I’m dying to watch on screen. First we have the famous “thank you” scene where Penelope, now a 28 year-old spinster, asks Colin to kiss her because she doesn’t want to die without having been kissed... then ends up thanking him— which happens to be humiliating for our 33 year-old boy because he thinks that she thinks he did it out of pity while he absolutely did not. The man definitely felt butterflies in his stomach... and in other places as well lol. We also have the ICONIC carriage scene where Colin gives Pen’s generous bosoms™ the attention they deserve. This is followed by his proposal. Later on, after the announcement of their engagement, there’s a pretty hot make-out scene on Lady Violet’s sofa. Finally, we have their first time in Colin’s bedroom, after sneaking out of their own engagement party... which leads Colin to push the wedding date forward. At this point, I just love their horniness, especially Colin’s who’s just so freaking amazed by Penelope for more than 300 pages straight (duh! who isn’t ???).

    When you say envision, I suppose you mainly refer to the way those scenes will be filmed right ? I’m afraid I don’t have an advanced knowledge in film-making but let me start by telling you what elements need to be depicted. I would love Shonda and Chris to capture the real essence of our boos’ feelings : the yearning, the love, the respect and the guilt (specifically on Colin’s side) in their eyes. The more we move forward throughout the seasons, the more we see different layers of the perceptions of they have of each other, going from a childish idealization/immature ignorance to a sudden realization. A mature one. Penelope goes beyond the facade of the charming devil-may-care guy to meet the seriousness and temper of her significant other. Meanwhile Colin discovers how confident, powerful and attractive this woman is and always has been. It echoes what I’ve written about the importance of the gaze in Polin’s love story in this meta. By the time season 4 hits, man... their heart eyes and eye-fucking will jump OUT XD, all fibers of their beings, burning with need. The fact that this evolution took literally years is very emotionally painful, which is why I find it important to keep the slowness aspect of their relationship before and during their love making. I’m really looking forward a slow build-up toward their intimacy. It would differ from Daphne and Simon who merely shared one hell of a kiss in Lady Trowbridge’s garden then shared their sexy times after they married or Anthony and Siena’s rough sex... In fact, there’s a certain (sweet) ardent tenderness in Polin I like due to the fact that they’re slowly (re)discovering each other, as adults. Since they were both introduced in season 1, the audience will have all the time in the world to notice numerous evidences of the many natures of love they have for one another : from an affectionate and friendly love to a more carnal and enduring one.

    Okay so, in terms of filming, with Netflix’s Bridgerton being a show which promotes the female gaze, it wouldn’t be that much of a surprise watching those sex scenes being shot from Penelope’s perspective, like it was the case with Daphne in the first installment of the series. Most of the time, sex scenes in Historical Romance are not gratuitous. Their presence serve an important purpose in a hero/heroine’s journey. In Penelope’s case, they’re here to help her learn to embrace and love herself. In other words, sexuality is synonym of freedom. I don’t know if they’ll show a lot of skin, but I won’t be complaining considering the fact that we’ll have the chance to get a chief kiss treat on screen : a plus size woman in a major successful Netflix period drama getting a love story as romantic and steamy as other more “fit” female characters. No, your weight doesn’t prevent you from being desirable at all. As far as I’m concerned, I haven’t watched a plus-size female character portrayed as an attractive protagonist in a period drama (please if you have, let me know, I can be wrong). Having a beautiful half bare curvy body like Nicola’s being equally filmed like numerous slim actresses will be so inspiring and powerful to watch, especially for (young) women who struggle, like Penelope, to love their body shape which, to them, doesn’t “fit” the “beauty standards”. By showing her female gaze and portraying her as seductive, Pen’s “supposed” imperfections transform themselves into mighty assets, loved and worshipped by our dashing Mister Bridgerton. That’s body positivity at its finest darling ;).

    It will be deliciously erotic watching the undressing process being exquisitely slow, garment by garment, while their gaze are all heated and hungry. Their sex/make-out scenes should be tender and passionate, sweet and raw. The lightning, colored by a dark blood orange yellow or a blue depending the locations^^. Moreover, the depiction of the exploration of Penelope’s desire can translate itself thanks to multiple close ups. For instance, I can imagine a few ones on Pen’s fingers gently roaming over the smooth skin of Colin’s firm chest and back/touching his hair right after he removed his shirt. And a disheveled Colin letting his hands and lips making a journey of their own, mapping, conquering the alluring unknown territory that is her gorgeous voluptuous body... kissing her on the places he knows oh too well will give her pleasure (is this me wanting him to go down on her?— um yeah I sure hope it IS! If he doesn’t, trust me imma riot... AGAIN). Even a close up on her face while Colin is performing his addictively pleasing torment will be a marvelous proof of the female gaze. By the way, why not even adding a post-coital scene after their first time ? I can picture Penelope waking up first and contemplate her handsome soon-to-be husband. She’d bring her hand to his face and let it travel all around his forehead, his cheeks, his lips, his neck and let it rest on his heart— making sure that what she’s just experience was real... obviously, Colin will wake up in the process and he’ll take this as his cue to go for another round of sexy times under the sheets.

   Showing Pen reaction is essential according to me because she was stuck with the idea that she would never experience the luxury of being loved, giving pleasure nor receiving it... she ended up being happily wrong. Throughout her multiple intimate encounters with Colin, I want her to progressively realizes that she can be an active partner. In the carriage, she knew she had an effect on him, but it’s not until their first time that she actually realizes it. Hence the reason why I WANT the mirror’s introduction in one of their sex scenes. Here’s as a little reminder an excerpt from chapter 18 :

“I want to see you sitting up," he groaned, "so I can see them full and lovely and large [about Pen’s breasts]. And then I want to crawl behind you and cup you." His lips found her ear and his voice dropped to a whisper. "And I want to do it in front of a mirror."

“Now?” she squeaked.

He seemed to consider that for a moment, then shook his head. "Later," he said, and then repeated it in a rather resolute tone. "Later.”

   It would be such a shame if the show doesn’t use the incredible potential of this object (/kink). I mean, the symbolism is pretty clear. Penelope has always fled her “ugly” reflection but it seems like Colin wants to show the real her, the beauty that holds every single inch her alabaster skin and the effects they have on him. Thus, I would love to watch a scene where Colin just praises the alluring goddess and siren that is Penelope Featherington. Just imagine! Just IMAGINE the power of this scene : a shirtless Colin sitting behind her on a bed, meeting her gaze in the mirror, his lips touching her right ear, biting and licking the lobe sometimes, whispering all kinda of dirty yet poetic words to her while letting his hands caress her thighs, her hips, her arms, her lovely bosoms™... oof. At the same time, a wonderful and harmonic instrumental music will play in the background and match the melodic partition of shudders, breathes and moans let out by our lovers. I can imagine Luke inspiring himself from his performance in the 2019 short film, Youth In Bed. The way he conveyed the awe and the yearning on his face, in his eyes with his mouth slightly open when he knelt before his partner Shun Yin was just captivating and— and so Colin! I cannot help but bring myself to picture Ethan, the character he played in YIB, in a Polin steamy scene. I cannot unsee this anymore jsksk. I mean, all this gifset radiates this book4chapter18!Colin, you cannot tell me otherwise!

    Also, I would love Shonda and Chris to keep Pen and Colin’s cute/emotional pillow talk. One thing I really love in JQ’s books is the concern she gives to her male protagonists about potentially hurting their partner during the act of penetration. Colin is a rake, and what his experience with women taught him is that he needs to be very gentle with the love of his life. It was so adorable seeing him not wanting to harm her and asking her to tell him if he does anything she doesn’t like 🥺. Plus, before actually doing it, Colin and Penelope shared a few kisses and just laid down side by side, confessing their love. Though our boy kept feeling guilty about not returning her love after all these years. He desires nothing but to make up for the lost time and show his love and desire during this special intimate moment. I hope they’ll keep all of chapter 18’s dialogue. It’s just so telling of our boos’ feelings, you see.

    All in all, I can’t wait to watch those Polin steamy scenes. As much as I may sound crazy, I want them after two other seasons of pure pining and yearning in order to have a very good payoff. I’m not an expert on depicting intimacy on screen, but I loved so far what Lizzy Talbot, the intimacy coordinator who worked on the show, have done in season 1. Sex scenes in Bridgerton seem very real and dive you in the intimacy of the moment, leaving you all flustered and hot. So probs to her! I have faith in her work and have no doubts about what her and the directors will serve us in future seasons. Though, in the end, I think it’s mostly up to the actors, Nicola and Luke, to see if they’re comfortable filming sex scenes.

    If you guys have any suggestions or wishes for those steamy polin scenes, please do share them :) by commenting on this post or by sending me asks! I’d love reading your thoughts/take on this very important matter ;)) 

[mybeautifulchristianjourney]

Prayer Is Not...

by Leonard Ravenhill

Prayer is not a new product to be marketed. Today we have prayer towers, prayer cloths, dial-a-prayer, live prayer lines, books, prayer letters, tapes, maps, diaries, prayer clocks, beads, charms and trinkets galore-but less prayer than ever. There are endless seminars, workshops, retreats and courses on prayer. But the question must always be asked, where is the living God in the midst of these products and events? It is not mere instruction and seminars that we need. Instead we need men and women who will get on their knees and pray. Those who will do this, depending totally on the living God, are the ones God will use to shake this generation.

In his book “”Why Revival Tarries””, Leonard Ravenhill cries out for reality in this critical area: “”No man is greater than his prayer life. The pastor who is not praying is playing; the people who are not praying are straying. The pulpit can be a shopwindow to display one’s talents; the prayer closet allows no showing off. “”Poverty-stricken as the Church is today in many things, she is most stricken here, in the place of prayer. We have many organizers, but few agonizers; many players and payer, few prayers; many singers, few clingers; lots of pastors, few wrestlers; many fears, few tears; much fashion, little passion; many interferers, few intercessors; many writers, but few fighters. Failing here, we fail everywhere. “”We…mistake action for unction, commotion for creation, and rattles for revivals.””

Too often, we equate learning about prayer with the real thing. For others, the promotion of prayer has eliminated prayer itself. What passes for prayer in these cases is more often the mindless activism that mistakes motion for life. Prayer is not a management technique. The Christian calendar is crowded with so-called prayer meetings, twenty-four-hour prayer chains, marches, vigils, nights-of-prayer, half-nights of prayer and a host of other prayer movements covertly designed to promote secondary causes. Some of these are real. Others are merely used as a promotion technique by religious movements, sects and organizations. Real prayer is spiritual warfare. It requires us to wrestle with the world, the flesh and the devil – overcoming in the power of the Holy Spirit rather than in our own flesh and mind.

Therefore, the first requirement in prayer is that we come close to God. The more we sit at His feet and look into His eyes, the more our prayers will reflect His mind. Thus, the more we become like Him, the more reality there will be in our prayer lives. We must start to love the people and things H loves, and hate what He hates. As we go deeper into the heart of Jesus, we will pray according to His will because we will know His will. How can we cross this vital bridge to reality? How can we have a meaningful prayer life?

First, prayer must become priority one. Prayer always comes first in God’s timetable. We must reverse the process of modem thinking in order to discover spiritual reality. In the natural, we begin with our needs and desires the problems to be solved. We then set goals and plan backwards from them. Rather than waiting on God for direction, we rely on ourselves for solutions. We trust our beauty, finances, intellect, strength and talent. Science and technology have taught us to experiment, study and research solutions. Those who have bought into this lie believe if they are given enough time and money, they can solve any problem in their personal lives or in their ministries. Since they really don’t believe they need God, prayer plays no part in most of their planning. When it does, it tends to be at the end rather than the beginning of their efforts! How different this is from the approach of a spiritual man or woman. The godly person first sets goals on his or her knees rather than at the drawing board. The servant whom God chooses to use is the one who has learned that if there appears to be any human explanation for our success, it is probably bogus. This Christian knows that you tend to pray better without computers, degrees, education, money, good looks, management skills or talent. When we are freed from dependence on a human plan, program leader or other resources then we are able to trust God rather than ourselves. Until we learn to lay aside our reliance on every human resource; and learn to make waiting on God the number one priority in life, we are still in the kindergarten of prayer.

Second, we must invest time in prayer. Of course, taken by itself, long hours spent in prayer are not a sign of closeness to God. It is more important that we come into His presence, like childless Hannah did, with desperate abandonment and submission to His will. She was speechless before God, and yet the Lord gave her the miracle of conception in answer to her silent pleadings. However, our time diaries too often betray our callous indifference to God. The simple fact is that no one can get to know God without spending time with Him. If we love the Lord as we say we do, how can we spend so little time in His presence?

We struggle to make quality time for friends and family. Millions of us plan our lives around favorite TV shows, sporting events and vacations. Yet why is it so hard to make an appointment with God, to spend an hour or two each day in prayer? How many of us can say we spend as much time in prayer as we do in eating meals and socializing around food? Our lives are so overbooked with frantic activity that we have scheduled Him right out of our days. Is it any wonder our Christianity is so ineffective, weak and powerless? There is only one way to see a change. We have to make prayer a priority and set aside time for it every day.

An Invitation to Every Believer

Christ is calling every believer to come apart and enjoy spiritual intimacy with Him through various aspects of prayer: adoration, confession, intercession, listening, thanksgiving, petition, praise, singing and waiting on Him. This is not an invitation open only to a few daring saints, but an access into the presence of God offered to all New Testament believers. And it is all of grace through faith. God wants to have this intimacy with us more than we will ever know. We as individuals can make prayer a part of our daily life-style IF WE ARE WILLING TO BREAK FROM OUR CULTURE and live for God.

In early 1976, when the Lord began to break my heart over the lostness of the world, one of the first things we did as a family was to call a few of our friends and start a prayer meeting in our home. That Tuesday night meeting still continues without fail after all these years. We spend the first part of the evening in worship and praise with brief testimonies and thanksgivings. We don’t spend the time chatting but hear reports from different countries of the world, individuals, tribes and unreached people groups. We read prayer letters and requests from all over the United States and Canada, as well as overseas. Frequently we will pause to break into small groups or pairs to pray over each request. In this way, we have seen hundreds and hundreds of specific answers to prayer. If there is not a missions prayer band in your church or neighborhood, why not start one? If one already exists, why not go and add your faith and warmth to that group.

God Delights in the Prayers of His People

Second Chronicles 16:9 reveals the heart of God in this matter: “”For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward Him…”” He wants to bless us. He’s looking for those with a heart totally after Him.

The world is looking for beautiful, self-confident people to lead and entertain it. But God is looking for humble, Christ-dependent people who will love the world as He does.

For those who are willing to confess their utter dependence on God in prayer, life enters the realm of the supernatural. And this power is available to families, churches and organizations where individuals are willing to start living a prayerful life. Hebrews chapter 11 and countless other passages reveal to us throughout history that there have always been a handful of people who will reach out and touch God in faith through prayer. As we join them on our knees, we will see the power of God operate in our lives as they did. We will receive the vision and guidance we need to move supernaturally with God and accomplish His will.

Today, there are races, nations and peoples still without Christ. There are families breaking up all around us and individuals caught in sin. There are prisoners who need to be freed, hungry who need to be fed and sick who need to be healed. There are churches and neighborhoods and individuals in your own community which need a touch from God. The Lord is looking for individuals who are emptied of self-sufficiency to accept prayerfully the challenge of reaching those lost billions with salvation. through prayer you can intervene in these needy lives and situations bring the power of God into the lives of the lost and lonely. Won’t you, through times of personal and corporate prayer, join in the cosmic struggle to win them to Christ?”

[acehotel]

Interview: Michael Arceneaux

Michael Arceneaux is a writer who contains multitudes. A gifted essayist whose work navigates religion, intimacy, doubt, fear and self-actualization, he makes the tightrope walk between levity and vulnerability look easy. His debut essay collection I Can’t Date Jesus landed him on the New York Times Best Sellers list, and his essays — which have been published in Essence, Teen Vogue, Rolling Stone, The Guardian, The New York Times and more — breathe a renewed sense of possibility in prose, dressed by his signature wit and flair. 

In the latest installment Dear Reader, Tin House invited Michael to spend a night at Ace Hotel New York and, while there, pen a letter to an imagined audience. The contents of his letter have been kept secret until today, revealing themselves to the light in each room of the hotel. 

If you could correspond with any fictional character or literary figure via letters, who would it be? And why?

Michael Arceneaux: I would love to write back and forth with Zora Neale Hurston. I tend to read mainly nonfiction, which I know is like "whew chile, the ghetto" to a lot of the more refined writers and what not, but I am a fan of hers, especially a lot of her short fiction as I do enjoy a lot of short story collections. I have always appreciated her use of Black dialect 'cause I'm country. Also, I think the way she used it made for a much better understanding of her characters. The obvious character would be Janie in Their Eyes Were Watching God, but it's true of much of her fiction.

However, I know that some were critical of that at the time (along with other matters related to her work), so while I know this may make me sound like the Andy Cohen or Nina Parker of The Real Housewives of The Harlem Renaissance: Reunion, but if I could write, "Sis, Richard Wright needs to have a sip and shut up about this book," I'd be totally into it. I apologize to the ancestors and living elders in advance if I'm already offending y'all. But seriously, I do value her work and I hated that she died poor. It's honestly been one of my fears in trying to have a career as a writer that I would die poor and only be truly appreciated until long after I was gone.

Do you map out your writing, or do you discover your path as you go? How often does your work go in directions you never expected?

As a working writer, particularly one who writes heavily for various outlets across Al Gore's internet, a lot of my writing assignments are time sensitive so generally I have an idea of what I want to say when I pitch or am pitched to. When it comes to my book writing, I have a general outline, too, because one, you already sold your book on proposal so the template is already there, and two, I've just become wired that way after having done largely digital media work for nearly a decade. I apologize to fans of spontaneity and the rush of unforeseen creative inspirations that transforms prose. However, there were instances on I Can't Date Jesus in which two chapters ended up a lot differently than I anticipated. One chapter in particular about my father wasn't trashed per se, but had to be changed after I had a talk with my sister. In learning more about my dad's relationship with my uncle before he died, I didn't have to put aside my feelings and experiences, but she added so much more context. So I had to sit with it. I mean really sit with it; not to just react to new intel, but table it, process it, and then go back and pour myself out all over again. It made everything for the better.

I have more recently been making much better use of the Notes app. I like to hand write a lot of things, but I've come to realize doing it on the phone is better for me because I can jot down some idea, and while traveling—particularly on that awful MTA in NY — I build little by little on it. A lot of my second book ideas came out from toying with the Notes app and handwriting an outline while eating brunch solo and casually talking to a beautiful bartender that isn't into men, but what the hell, he's still cute so I'm going to chat anyway.  

Dear Reader tasks you with writing for an imagined audience of strangers. How much do you think about your audience when you write? Have you ever been surprised by who is drawn to your work?

My main intentions with my work are to make people laugh and to make people think. I try not to think too heavily about anything else because it can become distracting. Like, I'm aware and conscious of the things I say and how I say them, but I try not to overthink because if I do, God, it's just going to take me so much longer to get anything done. I want everyone to read me so I do the best I can and hope it reaches as many as possible.

I still think of myself as a bit under the radar (to the boos and hisses of select friends and colleagues), so I am always pleasantly surprised when anyone reads my work, but I am actually never surprised at having a diverse readership. One of my very good friends and former editors once told me "You write for Black people." What he meant was I don't focus on the white gaze nor do I concern myself with worries that if I sound too uh, colloquial, that I will alienate non-Black readers. I Can't Date Jesus is a book I wish I had growing up as a working class, southern Black gay boy. I wrote it from that perspective and knew people like me would be the first to gravitate towards it. I'm so proud of that, but there are also a lot of white people in their 70s reading it. I know because they email me all the time. Others — namely in publishing — felt I would be "niche," but I write about religion, intimacy, doubt, fear and learning to love myself and enjoy pleasure. Those are universal themes, so while I may be not surprised the book is connecting with a wide readership, I'm glad they are surprising the people in publishing who often fail to give non-white writers the benefit of the doubt.

What's a book that you wish more people knew about?

Bitch Is The New Black by Helena Andrews. She is probably tired of me saying this, but I adore her as a writer, I love her book, I love her voice, and I think she was, in hindsight, somewhat ahead of her time because she definitely paved the way for a new generation of Black memoirists and deserves her flowers. This is also just another good way to publicly push and get more books out of her. If I can get a bonus, Bulletproof Diva by Lisa Jones.

Do you have any rituals, ceremonies or requirements that accompany your writing process?

I shoot up at 6:00 a.m. pretending that I'm going to immediately get to writing, but in reality, I'm just going to turn on Morning Joe because my body literally now wakes up to its schedule. How long I watch depends on how quickly someone on the panel says something that annoys me so then I go freshen up. Next up: my morning jig, a thing I do every morning in which I dance to some song in order to have a little joy before someone tries to ruin it. Eventually, I decide to write a little on my phone because I'm not ready to sit at that desk yet. I'll have some caffeine — ideally something I already have in the fridge or I'll convince myself that paying $5 for an oak milk latte will really get me going when I know this is just me wasting time and I have private student loans — meaning I shouldn't be in that coffee shop anyway. Obviously, hours have passed and then I finally settle down to write after Wendy Williams finishes “Hot Topics,” of course.

I don't really get to writing until I end up using the Freedom app to block me from the internet so I can spend hours writing. I don't recommend this, but in my defense, my discipline has waned because I have yet to take that vacation that's probably seven years overdue now.

Dear Reader is a collaboration of Tin House and Ace Hotel New York.

[robbiemeadow]

To Love, or to Like?

I love my husband dearly, and it is easy to list all of the things that I love about him. He’s a gorgeous man and I love looking at him, and he has this adorable little mole on his ear. He is so generous with his love. He almost smothers me with it, and I absolutely love every bit of it. He worries about my safety and looks for ways to protect me, even though I don’t necessarily need protecting, but it’s nice that he makes me feel so safe.

We have also had to learn to “like” each other as well. ”Like” is a word that is underrated, while the word “love” steals all of the attention. Love, as an action and a word, is easily and freely given and accepted, while “like” is usually felt but not always spoken or heard. The act of liking your partner doesn’t seem to be given the credit it deserves.

But, I wonder how hard it must be for my husband to like me all of the time, with the sheer amount of time and energy it must take for him to put up with all of my idiosyncrasies. Candidly speaking, I don’t think that I’m easy to like. I mean, I barely like myself some of the time, and yet my husband finds ways to like me regardless.

So, what does it mean to like your spouse aside from loving your spouse? What is the psychological difference?

In 1973, social psychologist Zick Rubin published the results from a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, which was based on a love scale and a like scale presented as written questionnaires to couples. Rubin found that we tend to admire those we like and enjoy their company, but love created a desire for physical intimacy as well as an empathetic feeling that caused a romantic partner to care for their partner’s needs as much as their own.

Psychologists prior to Rubin proposed that love was merely an elevated form of liking, but Rubin proved that they are two different sentiments, even if they are related. Rubin’s study found that couples deeply in love “would spend more time gazing into one another’s eyes than would couples who loved each other to a lesser degree.” And poet Robert Frost once wrote that “love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”

Well, which is more important to the longevity of relationships? Loving, or liking, or a combination of both? There is an art to being able to like your spouse regardless of how much you may love them. When couples start to feel like the love is dying out, is it really? Or is it the ability to stay in love with them even when you don’t particularly like them at the time? When does the feeling of liking your partner die out, and what can we do to keep it alive?

My husband isn’t always easy to like. He makes decisions that I don’t necessarily like. He has some tendencies that I know I do not like. He may say something that I don’t like or want to hear, and sometimes, like anyone, he can be flat-out unlikeable. I can easily distinguish what I like from what I don’t like about him, even though I love him dearly.

However, the Gottmans have found that liking your partner is crucial to a relationship. The Gottman Sound Relationship House incorporates the love and like parts of a healthy relationship in two areas: Building Love Maps and Sharing Fondness and Admiration. These components of a relationship encourage you to discover, understand, and grow fond of (or like) your partner. The process teaches that you both are better for truly getting to know your partner, including their quirks and habits that may annoy you. But, that process enables you to turn towards each other in times of strife or distress, and it creates a foundation of trust.

This has helped me to examine the art of knowing and loving my husband, so that my vow to love and cherish my husband can go beyond what I deem likable or not. Just as I want to be loved and cherished, his acceptance of me, especially including what he may not like, is important to keeping our marriage strong and stable.

Sometimes I snore like a bear, but he accepts that. My flaws are some of the things that make me wonderful and unique to him, which is why he chose me. That is reason enough for me to look past a few of his flaws as well and to trust that maybe, in spite of what I think is decidedly likable or not, is actually more loveable than I might have realized.

The post To Love, or to Like? appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

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