#the impostor syndrome rearing its ugly ass head again

[observethewalrus]

the part of me that feels nothing at best and like a scared child at worst whenever I’m around my parents vs my lifelong fear of people being mad at me can’t decide if I’m happy or upset that my parents aren’t coming to have dinner with me for my birthday

[astudyinfreewill]

update from the void

hey dudes <3

this is just to let you know that i still remember i have a tumblr, i miss writing fic and looking at gorgeous aesthetics, and i miss interacting with you guys!!!

here’s what’s been going on for me in the past couple weeks:

classes have started up again, which means i am working as a tutor/TA again, which means more defined work hours in addition to my classes and seminars and my nebulous, follow-whatever-schedule-i-want research work

i am a full-time student rep this year, which means i am also chairing seminars and organising events for other grad students

consequently, i have been spending a lot more time in the office compared to last year -- almost a full day everyday; i’ve been assigned my own desk+computer, and i’ve even brought in tea and coffee supplies to motivate myself to go, lol

in the meantime, as a direct result of last year’s stress, last summer’s deadlines and constant travelling, and my horrifying sleep habits, i hit a peak of exhaustion. there was no time of the day when i didn’t want a nap. i fell asleep in lectures (even more often than before). everyone kept commenting on how tired/ill i looked. no amount of concealer would mask the dark under my eyes. and i started getting really worried. so i decided to start trying to get at least 7 hours of sleep per night. it’s so damn hard. there are so many things i want to do, and never enough time. anxiety still tells me that it’s a good idea to stay up until 4am, just to avoid doing schoolwork. and when i go to bed early, sometimes i still toss and turn for hours before i fall asleep. but i’m trying. i owe it to myself to at least try not to burn out completely before i even hit 30.

did i mention my terrible sleep habits? well, my exercise habits are pretty abysmal as well. i try to walk to and from places whenever i can, but my body has started giving me signs that it just can’t even anymore -- from constantly aching joints, to immediately being out of breath. so i did the ~unimaginable~ (for my lazy ass) and signed up to a gym. the goal is to go three times a week, though i’d settle for two (as i mentioned: i am incredibly lazy, oh god, why did i do this)

so, yeah. that’s what’s new. and when i look at it all together -- the new work schedule, the new sleep schedule, the new workout schedule (WHAT HAVE I BECOME) -- and add in the everyday, humdrum tasks that come with living on my own, it suddenly feels like a lot more #adulting than i’ve ever taken on before. which is... quite tiring, and a bit scary. and my first instinct (and my impostor’s syndrome, and my anxiety) tells me i shouldn’t even try, because i won’t succeed anyway, so why the hell not have fun, stay up until sunrise, have a guilty netflix marathon after another, avoid all responsibilities and come apart at the seams with stress whenever a deadline approaches?? 

...who am i kidding, those things will all still happen at one point or another. i still feel that impostor’s syndrome rear its ugly head whenever i try to work on my thesis, making me run off into denial and procrastination. but i am trying, boring as it sounds, to lead a more balanced life. and i know that in the long run it’s good for me, but it’s a major adjustment. so, i’m adjusting. and once i don’t feel like i’m playing catch-up with my timetable anymore, you can be sure i’ll run back to the warm rainbow embrace of fandom. in the meantime, i have to content myself with scrolling my dash and reblogging the occasional post.

i’m not going to put my blog in hiatus, because i still want to interact with people here, my askbox is still on, and i will stop by to post whenever i have some time, so feel free to drop me a line whenever you want!! 

or follow me on twitter. look, i can afford procrastination if it’s only 140 characters at a time, okay

i hope things are going well for you lovely people. be good, stay safe, have fun <3