#the idaho yodeler

[gameraboy2]

The Idaho Yodeler with Buzz Goertzen

[bestgorillazpoll]

hello gorillaz nation!!

because i have far too much time on my hands, i thought it would be fun to make a poll for gorillaz songs, pitting them against each other in a fight to the death until the one true best gorillaz song emerges victorious.

this poll is made up of 150 songs total, comprised of every song from the main 7 albums, as well as the fall, d-sides, some songs from g-sides, and the various EPs and side songs that have been released throughout the years. it does not, however, include laika come home, or any live or remixed versions of songs already featured on the poll.

this poll will not include a bracket system, because i don't want to. after every round is completed, the remaining songs will be once again sorted into new randomised pairs, to try and make things as fair as possible.

round one will be released in several parts across multiple days, to make things less overwhelming for both myself and all of you. whenever possible, I will include a screenshot of lyrics from both songs on each poll, in case anyone is unfamiliar with the songs and/or their titles.

find the current song matchups below! i'll see you all at the beginning of round one.

5/4 vs. 911

Intro (Demon Days) vs. Hallelujah Money

The Swagga vs. Captain Chicken

Interlude: The Elephant vs. The Joplin Spider

White Light vs. Bill Murray

MLS vs. Out of Body

Spitting out the Demons vs. Simplicity

Pirate Jet vs. Andromeda

Sweepstakes vs. Rock the House

Tomorrow Comes Today vs. Punk

Welcome to the World of the Plastic Beach vs. Revolving Doors

Detroit vs. Humility

Momentary Bliss vs. Strobelite

The Lost Chord vs. Some Kind of Nature

Interlude: New World vs. Momentz

Tranz vs. Phoner to Arizona

Sex Muder Party vs. Last Living Souls

Chalk Tablet Towers vs. The Apprentice

Superfast Jellyfish vs. Fire Coming out of the Monkey's Head

We Got The Power vs. The Sounder

Charger vs. Dirty Harry

M1 A1 vs. Empire Ants

Plastic Beach vs. All Alone

Feel Good Inc vs. Idaho

O Green World vs. Halfway to the Halfway House

Ticker Tape vs. The Tired Influencer

Cracker Island vs. California and the Slipping of the Sun

Silent Running vs. How Far?

Déja Vu vs. Little Pink Plastic Bags

Stop the Dams vs. Let Me Out

Every Planet We Reach Is Dead vs. Controllah

Carnival vs. Possession Island

Ascension vs. Glitter Freeze

Rockit vs. Double Bass

12D3 vs. Désolé

Aries vs. Interlude: The Non-Conformist Oath

68 State vs. The Pink Phantom

The Parish of Space Dust vs. Baby Queen

Submission vs. Interlude: Elevator Going Up

Skinny Ape vs. Dracula

Meanwhile vs. Busted and Blue

Sleeping Powder vs. Kansas

Stylo vs. Magic City

Man Research (Clapper) vs. One Percent

Sorcererz vs. Hip Albatross

Amarillo vs. Kids with Guns

Doncamatic vs. DARE

Hong Kong vs. Highway (Under Construction)

Saturn Barz vs. The Valley of the Pagans

White Flag vs. Slow Country

El Mañana vs. Hollywood

To Binge vs. Interlude: Penthouse

Strange Timez vs. Oil

Jimmy Jimmy vs. Broken

Fire Flies vs. Aspen Forest

Orchestral Intro (Plastic Beach) vs. Tarantula

Friday 13th vs. Sound Check (Gravity)

New Gold vs. Opium

Circle of Friendz vs. We Are Happy Landfill

New Genius (Brother) vs. She's My Collar

Clint Eastwood vs. Re-Hash

The Snake in Dallas vs. Starshine

Murdoc Is God vs. Ghost Train

Demon Days vs. Lake Zurich

People vs. DoYaThing

Bobby in Phoenix vs. November Has Come

Tormenta vs. Garage Palace

Pac-Man vs. 19-2000

Hongkongaton vs. Left Hand Suzuki Method

Shy-Town vs. Cloud of Unknowing

Don't Get Lost in Heaven vs. Seattle Yodel

With Love To An Ex vs. Interlude: Talk Radio

Dead Butterflies vs. Severed Head

Souk Eye vs. Faust

Rhinestone Eyes vs. Crockadillaz

[garyjugert]

Saturday, September 14, 2024

Uniclues by Gary Jugert:

1 The ones with no face markings on them after the fight.

2 Pharmhouse for phormer Philadelphia phieldhands with phirearms.

3 Duty of junkyard worker.

4 Action by one avoiding tyranny.

5 Gets dressed.

6 Pale lady.

7 Yeeeeeeeeeeeeee hooooooooooers.

8 𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽𝄽

***

1 ASHAMED FISTS

2 PHANATIC IDAHO

3 FITS IN TOTALS

4 SHOOS CITY HALL

5 HALTS ART STUDIO

6 INSIDE TAN MAMA (~)

7 SLOW YODELERS

8 SO EXTRA RESTS

[lettersfromleslie]

GIVING THANX / TAKING TO THE ROAD / SHIFTIN GEAR TO EVERGREEN

Long time no write! I'm reporting from the great Northwest, from Seattle WA, where Ariel and I have a fresh lease going on a big creaky 100-yr-old house high up on a hill with the Cascades loomin on clear days as well as old Mt Rainier, ol snowy Tahoma, off in the distance peekable from the bus I take into town for my daily yodeling. That's right… Not in New York anymore, for the time being. We're over in the other gutter of the great American pinball machine.

America, America… In the spirit of Thanksgiving -- thanky for being here, by the way -- let's write about America, or what's left of her, that great land my luv and I have been pinballing thru all year. Bout time I put in a personal note on the new shape of me life. It's been over a year since I last wrote - there's no need to fill in all blanks… My finger healed over the winter of '22-'23, which I survived thanx to a goofy gig selling Christmas trees in a freezing hut in Long Island City, and the springtime was a hectic whirl of almost daily park busking and running around.

The summer, though…! We had us a long, crazy summer this year driving a great big loop around the whole of the USA in search of, ya know, the land, the story, what goes on. The reason for it was really just a desire on both our parts for change & motion after over 10yrs stuck in the meat marathon of NYC. With the lifeclock ticking, our housing situation held together with bits of string, and a fairly empty calendar (a rare phenomenon in NYC, the always-something-coming vortex calendar being really a sneaky causer of inertia somehow), we figured the time was right to find out what the rest of the land was like, do the classic American road trip, and maybe post up somewhere new for a while at the end of it. So we gave it all up - left our tallboy Molson with friends, sold & gave away most of our belongings, and gave up our timewarp shithole of an apartment in Bed-Stuy, our old 1890s screaming rustpipe waterheater brick roach cigsmoke bar noise timewarp shithole - quintessential shithole - bye bye to 742 Myrtle Ave!

We dumped what was left of our belongings with Ariel's folks in Tupper Lake NY and from there we hit the road: Pennsylvania, West Virginia, North Carolina, Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, New Mexico, Utah, Nevada, California, Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Nebraska, greatly speeding up by this point for the last rip thru Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and old New York.

Picturesque description I gave ya there, eh? Alright, what can I say… We camped all the way in our wee tent, with occasional motel stops when weather, personal hygiene, or exhuastion demanded, and I tried my damnedest to yodel for as much gas money as possible along the way. I had all my busking kit on me… Picture Ariel dumping me in some downtown and me trying to figure out where I was most likely to encounter that rare beast, the Mainland American on Foot. Oh, I don't know - listen, I'm not gonna give you the Jack Kerouac routine right now, maybe someday - a few months ago I tried writing a big long rambling rant about the whole thing and what I thought of it and what it was all like and I couldn't do it. I think maybe that's because it was a personal sort of trip, really a trip between me and the lil lady and the world that we were trying to say hello to in the moment. And now we're somewhere new and really that's what I want to think about, not the hallucinatory effects of watching the land unscroll thru a windshield for 10.000 miles. There's all this other stuff to talk about!

The land is large - let's leave at that. Nature abounds yet, and room to spread out. We saw the moose, the bunny, the eagle, the whale. The very large tree. The tumbleweed, the roadrunner. The Mystery Hole, the Hole N' the Rock. We hung out with all kinds of different people in diners and parkinglots, redneck Trump bars and lefty bookshops, libertarian coffee wagons, Walmarts and farmers markets and sketchy casino pyramid hotels - etc etc - and found everyone a lot easier to get along with than you'd ever know if you receive your worldview from the internet.

I found that busking is a tricky art in most of the USA. Spots are limited and attitudes are ambivalent. Either it's great or it's terrible. Farmers markets are good. Tourist areas are hit and miss. Special shout to Asheville NC tho for the most receptive and generous crowds I've ever found anywhere. Wild Jul 4th weekend it was.

I'll save the details for my novel or whatever. After a good long rest in Tupper Lake NY at the end of the road - and a brief stint in NYC in September - we put our heads together to plan the next move. It can be a downright diabolical thing to be put in a position where you have no real ties - no apartment in Brooklyn anymore, our stuff pared down to the bare minimum, no fixed work - and are called on to make one choice out of millions. We could go back to New York and find a new apartment, of course, but we both had this idea that it was time to try something new. Weeks of fretting led us to reluctantly admit that the Northwest had an incredible pull. Reluctantly on account of the outrageous distance we'd have to drive yet again to get there , this time with whatever worldly possessions we could fit into our car - our trusty lil Atilla the Hyundai - as well as our poor cat, Molson, who would be subjected to five days of driving and cheap motels smelling of the ghosts of a million dogs. And it'd also put us pretty well out of touch with our circles, our friends, our family, our constellations of Guitar Boys (an all-gender and all-instrument category, by the way). But all can be done…

(By the way: I'll still be yodeling in New York! I left my busking rig with a buddy and I'm making plans to travel back and forth!)

The Northwest won out for its artistic history, the seafaring vibes - ( whales !!! giant octopus !!! ) - the poltics & prosperity, and above all the absolutely outrageous nature surrounding it ( mountains !!! ) - we'd spent a downright spiritual five days camping in the Hoh Rainforest on the Olympic Peninsula during our travels, were amazed again driving thru Twin-Peaks-land on our way back eastwards thru the Cascades passes, misty surly mysterious mountains and o so mossy. We didn't expect to be able to afford anything really in Seattle Seattle but figured we'd wind up somewhere in its orbit - maybe Tacoma, Everett, Olympia, Snohomish, Bainbridge Isle. We gave ourselves ten days to find a spot. We were lucky enough to have a trusting relative on deck to help co-sign, on account of our joblessness & general jankiness.

Ten frantic days zooming around town and back to our teeny AirBnB and by now fairly pissed-off cat. Against all odds, and in the nick of time, a sketchy, photo-less Craigslist ad turned out to be the real thing - a big old creaky wooden house right in the middle of the good part of Seattle at a price we could afford. The only catch was its condition - it'd been left vacant for three years and was in many ways crumblin.

Which I enjoy! Cleaning, painting, ripping up old carpets, fixing fridges, replacing faucets, clearing out brambles & blackberries … bringing a wheezy ol house back to life. Be even better if we actually owned the place, but whatever. Big joys in having tangible work to do. The kind where you do it and you can see that what you've done has improved things. Nothing like fixing a stovetop hood extractor fan to get you feelin like a bigboyman.

With the hectic part now more or less behind us, we've been starting on regular life again, for lack of a better phrase… Working at what we do. Ariel's been oscillating somewhat frantically between pottery and sewing and drawing, and I've been at large in old Seattle yodeling hither and thither and seeing what can be made of the music scene out here. That'll be the story next time… What It's Like. Won't be as long of a wait on that one.

In the meantime … in spite of this country's frequent insanity, inanity, and downright insidiousness, in full knowledge of her appalling past and in the pain and destruction she finances, endorses, and covers for in the present … her sheer toxic dickishness, if we're being honest … I find myself thankful for this bloody pinball wreckingball machine USA, and especially the people in it, who have hearts the size of monster trucks. Americans - for what you have, for what hasn't yet been taken away, give thanks, give thanks! Everyone - well, god help us!! Give thanks anyway!!

[sun-tzu-says-youre-a-bitch]

odd spotify categories ft bad quality screenshots

obsessed with idaho hip hop and alpine yodeling

[alienshea]

And now, for no absolute reason, I will give every Gorillaz song from the main 6 studio albums my rating from 1-10

Self-Titled

Re-Hash: 7.5/10

Bopping tune, 2D doing his own backup vocals make me swoon, Noodle is great as always, no one really knows what the lyrics are but they’re valid

5/4: 6/10

Better than average,not the best song i’ve ever heard but still pretty good, kinda uncomfy with Noodle screaming about someone turning her dad on, drumbeat makes me wanna dance, wished they couldve made the music video

Tomorrow Comes Today: 7/10

The kind of song that gets stuck in your head all day, love the overall sad tone, music video makes me laugh now bc that one murdoc gif, makes me cry when i have depressive episodes

New Genius (Brother): 7.5/10

Love 2D’s voice in it, lyrics hit home a little bit for me, have never skipped this song tbh, overall pretty good song

Clint Eastwood: 8.5/10

I literally know all the words, I love the rap, iconic, there’s a reason it’s popular, Del is everything

Man Research (Clapper): 3/10

oooo boy i’m gonna get shit for this one, i always skip this song, i can’t stand the whole “yeah yeah” thing, the only great part about this song is the “tHiS Is a bReAkFaSt ClUuUuuUB!”

Punk: 6.5/10

gets me turnt, toooooo short, tbh i like any song where 2D yells

Sound Check (Gravity): 9/10

looooove this song, gives me body chills when the drums kick in, love the deep ass voice, overall emo kid bop

Double Bass: 8/10

nice jam, I like listening to this when I do homework or art, relaxing

Rock The House: 8/10

legit makes me get up and dance, great rhythm, music video is beautiful

19/2000: 9/10

amazing bop, gets me pumped, iconic af, first gorillaz song i ever heard and first music video i ever saw, n o o d l e

Latin Simone: 7/10

I don’t speak spanish so i cant really sing along, love the feel of it, will listen on repeat, prefer the english version but im biased

Starshine: 6.5/10

idk I don’t really listen to this one, not a bad song i just wouldn’t play it on repeat or actively look for it, i do like the vocals

Slow Country: 8.5/10

love the feeling this song gives me, kinda like im just floating, super chill song to get high to, have never skipped this song, i like the lyrics

M1A1: 8/10

super fun song to sing along with, honestly the best song they couldve ever chosen to start a concert, he   s c r e a m

OVERALL SCORE FOR SELF-TITLED: 7.5 (rounded up)

Demon Days

Last Living Souls: 9/10

absolute favourite song on the album, breakdown gives me chills, constantly changing it’s tune and i love it, the basssss <3

Kids With Guns: 6/10

I love singing the chorus, great song to have in the background, chill af

O Green World: 7.5/10

i love the instrumental of this one, vocals give me chills, kinda wish you could hear the singing more tho

Dirty Harry: 6.5/10

bopping beat, i love the rap part, overall not really the type of song i’d play on repeat but not bad

Feel Good Inc: 8/10

first and foremost the fucking bass of this song is the reason i’m learning bass, chorus gives me chills, kinda overused but i understand

El Manana: 6/10

kind of a meh song for me personally, not a bad one just not the greatest

Every Planet We Reach Is Dead: 9/10

banger, the reason im also learning guitar, vocals are on point, has made me cry before

November Has Come: 7/10

love the chorus, rap is kinda meh for me, i like the beat

All Alone: 5/10

not really a song i listen to, i like the bloopy noises

White Light: 4/10

I always skip this one tbh, better than man research but not by much

DARE: 6.5/10

this song haunts my dreams, its like the best kind of elevator music, on another note you fucking go noodle

Fire Coming Out Of The Monkey’s Head: 7.5/10

I WANNA BE A COWBOY BABY, narrative is really fucking good tho

Don’t Get Lost In Heaven: 8/10

beautiful, usually dont like gospel-esque music but i love this, gives me chills

Demon Days: 6.5/10

not my favourite tbh, meh for me

OVERALL SCORE FOR DEMON DAYS: 6.5 (rounded up)

Plastic Beach

Welcome to the World of the Plastic Beach: 7.5/10

i love snoop dogg, also this song gives me good vibes

White Flag: 5/10

ehhhh not a fan of this one, i usually skip it, i like the orchestra tho

Rhinestones Eyes: 8.5/10

i fucking love this song, great tune great vocals, i never skip it, i even got my boyfriend to start loving this song even tho he doesnt really like gorillaz

Stylo: 9/10

jesus this song, makes my heart hurt, i absoultely long singing along to this, his voiceeeee, bobby womack!

Superfast Jellyfish: 8.5/10

quirky af, i love de la soul in this one a lot, have never skipped this

Empire Ants: 9/10

so beautiful, has made me cry, both of their voices are so soft and lovely ugh

Glitter Freeze: 6/10

starts off strong but when it starts sounding like a drill i usually yeet out

Some Kind Of Nature: 8/10

used to be my favourite until i started listening to the album more, 2d’s part is so soulful omg

On Melancholy Hill: 8.5/10

so sad and amazing, music video is probably my favourite, is me and my best mate’s “song”

Broken: 9/10

ugh beautiful, i know all the words and always sing them loud af, has never skipped this song, honestly is everything

Sweepstakes: 5.5/10

not a big fan, i usually skip this one, not a horrible song just not for me

Plastic Beach: 7.5/10

love it, better at the beginning than the end, still a bop

To Binge: 10/10

WHEEEW BOY, i love this song, its so sad and amazing and gay jesus christ, the best thing murdoc has ever done

Cloud of Unknowing: 7/10

soulful and beautiful, again bobby womack!!

Pirate Jet: 7/10

i love the tune bc it gets me feeling ~spooky~, lyrics dont really make sense but thats okay

OVERALL SCORE FOR PLASTIC BEACH: 7.5 (rounded up)

The Fall

Phoner to Arizona: 8/10

gets me bopping and grooving, great music to play in the background while writing or doing art, my go to for when i draw or need background sound while I relax

Revolving Doors: 9.5/10

OOF, it so sad and it makes me feel things, i scream the lyrics errytime

Hillbilly Man: 10/10

fell in love with this the second I heard it, has been my favourite song of all time for over 2 years now, will never skip it in my life, i yearn to learn the guitar 

 Detroit: 6.5/10

generally a good happy bop, usually play it as background sound

Shy-Town: 6/10

nice to the ear, i don’t really like the prerecorded vocals of 2D but when Damon sung it live it sounds much better

Little Pink Plastic Bags: 8/10

i love it ugh, relaxing af, will never skip

The Joplin Spider: 9/10

big love for this song, its just soooo goooood

The Parish Of Space Dust: 7.5/10

big cowboy energy, sounds so sweet, 2D’s voice is unnnf

The Snake In Dallas: 7/10

good for when you wanna party but you’re depressed and can only stay in bed, love the little robotic sounds

Amarillo: 9.5/10

i meeeean what can i say, this song is so sad and gay and beautiful, ive cried while listening it this, will never skip

The Speak It Mountains: 7.5/10

this track is really weird and creepy and kind of not a song but i adore it anyway

 Aspen Forest: 8/10

beautiful sounds, the piano is so soothing, will play this on repeat while i zone out

Bobby In Phoenix: 9/10

i wanna cry every single time i hear this bobby come back

California and the Slipping of the Sun: 7.5/10

this song so so pretty and i cry every time ugh, he sounds so fed up im sorry pretty boy

Seattle Yodel: ???

what

OVERALL SCORE FOR THE FALL: 8 (rounded down)

Humanz

Ascension: 8.5/10

absolute banger, i get pumped everytime this comes on, skys falling bb

Strobelite: 7.5/10

i used to hate this song but then the music video came out and i tried it again and now i love it dont @ me

Saturnz Barz: 9/10

theres so much i could say about this song ans the mv unf

Momentz: 9/10

banger, i dance like a maniac every time i hear it, will never skip

Submission: 8/10

gives me a good chance to work on high notes, makes my skin tingly

Charger: 8.5/10

2D’s voice is so griity and i can help myself

Andromeda: 8.5/10

I’ve never skipped this song, has made me cry, makes me dance

Busted And Blue: 9/10

has made me cry several times, vocals are everything, will never skip

Carnival: 7/10

is a bop, don’t really listen to it much anymore but it’s alright

Let Me Out: 8/10

i love it, one of my favourites to rap with

Sex Murder Party: 4/10

ehhh dont like this one, i always skip it

She’s My Collar: 8.5/10

i dont want to admit the things 2D’s voice in this makes me wanna do

Hallelujah Money: 7.5/10

hated this at first, grew to love, very soothing

We Got The Power: 9.5/10

gets me FUCKING PUMPED, we do got the power fuckers

OVERALL SCORE FOR HUMANZ: 8.5 (rounded down)

The Now Now

Humility: 8.5/10

summer bop, makes me wanna dance, have never skipped

Tranz: 9.5/10

i love singing along to this bc it makes me feel sexy oops, always screams the lyrics

Hollywood: 7/10

not a huge fan of this but ill listen to it, favourite part is the chorus, also snoop doggy dogg

Kansas: 9/10

oof this song makes me cry, i always scream this 

Sorcererz: 7.5/10

ooo them vocals thooo, makes me relaxed

Idaho: 8.5/10

i love this song sm, one of my favourites of all time to sing, i wanna learn the guitar for this

Lake Zurich: 8/10

I love to listen to this while relaxing or writing, makes me wanna dance, COWBELL

Magic City: 8.5

always dancing to this, billboards on the moooon

Fireflies: 10/10

yall saw this coming, i always cry, its so somber, in close competition w HillBilly Man for my all time favourite

One Percent: 6.5/10

only song on the album i would skip and it isnt even that bad

Souk Eye: 10/10

its so gay and sad i love it sm

OVERALL SCORE FOR THE NOW NOW: 8.5 (rounded up)

So after months of me saying i’d rate the songs in order I finally did! Now keep in my the overall scores are averages, my personal rating for each album is:

Self-Titled: 8/10

Demon Days: 7/10

Plastic Beach: 8.5/10

The Fall: 8/10

Humanz: 7.5/10

The Now Now: 9/10

thanks for reading, i did this so i wouldn’t have to write an essay oops! <3

[readingat3amisnormal]

“So there I was, slowly sinking into the frigid waters off the gulf of Mexico with a briefcase full of GarfieldTM phones handcuffed to my ankle, and I’m certain that this is the end of the line, right? I’m tellin’ myself I did good, and that nobody coulda’ seen that triple-iso-mobius backstab- where all five of my shady business partners turned out to be a polyamorous pentuple that were gettin’ married on that Japanese whaler I’d snuck aboard- comin’. And I’m crying, and it ain’t really helpin’ cuz- y’know, I’m in the sea, and boy oh boy- when that looming maw emerged from the abyss, the only thing I could think was ‘well, it can’t be worse than New Jersey!’”

“Sir.” The service worker deadpanned during my pause for applause. “Please get off the display stand.”

“Honest-” I adjusted my position atop the tower of energy drinks, calling out to the grocery store as a new-age prophet imparting divine wisdom. “-first thing I did when I got cut out of that marine mammal’s bloated corpse- well, apart from yodel as loud as I could to tell mah ol’ pal Pichi I was still alive ‘n kickin’- was to get myself a deal with one of ‘em hot an up-comin’ IPO’s.”

“That’s not how IPO’s work!” a voice called from aisle seven.

“NOBODY ASKED!” I yelled in response. “Anywho, the CEO met me in a sewer and told me I’d been legally dead for fifteen years, can ya believe that? So, these so-called intellectual property laws don’t apply!”

I tapped the side of my head. “I’m a thinker, see? Don’t even gotta be an intellectual to own property! And I’m livin’ the life out here in small-town Idaho! Every other week the big man himself swings by mah alley an’ splashes me with some ice-cold water, which I do appreciate, then grabs mah shoulders n’ shakes me until mah brain waves line up right and I tell ‘im everythin’ I can’t remember! But I’m getting off topic.”

I swiped a can of instant energy from underneath me, bringing the stand one step closer to total collapse, and brandished it like a mace. “These things are obsolete! All you need are some porpoises and- and all we gotta do is make them salivate! I asked the local librarian, and she told me to ‘get out of her house’ so that was a bust, but the second we got that figured out we are. In. Business!”

Those last three words were punctuated by loud claps, and a wide grin. “Who’s with me?”

The static hum of the air conditioner and tak-tak-taks of various consumers dialling 911 punctuated the lack of response.

“Sir, I’m going to have to call security.” The service worker insisted.

“Hey, now, I didn’t believe it at first either,” I admitted, spreading my arms to either side. My tattered sleeves fluttered in the cool breeze. “But I am living proof that whale spit is, in fact, potable! And, might I add, surprisingly delicious.”

“Security is on their way, sir.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

I clambered down from the display stand, glancing around for the mall cops that were honing in on my location. “But hear me when I say, the days of soft drink monopolies are coming to an end! Watch, as one man brings down their empire single-handed!”

I knocked a load-bearing can from its place, and the pyramid of cans crashed to the ground, sweeping away consumers like a tidal wave. The service worker stood in place.

“Hah!” I made my way to the exit, trying to make wading through an avalanche of cans look sexy and certainty succeeding. “I mean, I haven’t eaten or drank in days an’ ah feel fine!”

With that, I tripped, fell over, and immediately passed out. The last thing I can remember is the service worker sighing, “Hey, Apio? I’m clocking out.”

~

I woke up in the back of an old minivan, with my face in an empty crisps bag. Cheddar, approximately seven days old, well-enjoyed. My talents are numerous and strange.

It wasn’t exactly surprising- I’d woken up in similarly unfortunate positions numerous times over the past half year or so.  Still, it was never pleasant.

“So, you’re finally awake?” a familiar voice called.

I groaned. “Hey, how ‘bout we don’t do this. Just drop me off somewhere beyond the city limits an’ I’ll hitchhike mah way outta your hair.”

“You got somewhere you need to be?” the service worker asked, stoic as always from their position at the wheel. “If so, I’ll acquiesce.”

“Too early in the morning for that sorta language, friendo.” My head throbbed. “Not to impose, but could ya spare some water?”

“No whale spit for you today?”

“Ah, fuck, is that what I was on? Explains why mah tongue hurts too…”

The sun streamed through the clouded windows as we emerged from the shadows of the built-up bit of town into the fuckin’ fields or whatever. Hey, I’m from LA, sue me.

“…hey, just so ya know, I have this condition. Sometimes, mah impulse control goes outta the window, start havin’ delusions a’ grandeur or whatever... unpleasant stuff.”

I coughed. “An’, uh, that’s what was goin’ on. Sorry for, uh, knockin’ over all those cans, makin’ a mess, all that jazz. Wanted ya ta know, in case you’re plannin’ to take me out Children of the Corn style.”

“You’re on your way to a job interview.” They said, an answer which only gave me more questions. “I’d recommend making yourself presentable.”

“Wh-” A water bottle was lobbed at my head, followed by a portable dental kit. “What?”

“Family friend needs someone to stick around an old barn of theirs and make sure nobody intrudes. It’s a roof over your head and an fourth of minimum wage- which is a step up from where you were before.”

“Look-” I sat up, massaging my forehead and trying to shield my eyes from the light. “Not that ah don’t appreciate it, but ya don’t gotta do this. I just wanna get outta town.”

“And why’s that?”

I scoffed. “Ya can’t tell? Don’t wanna be around for any repeat offences.”

“You won’t have to worry about them out here.”

“Who’s to say ah won’t just bolt?”

They shrugged. It was infuriating. “Dunno. Just felt like ya needed a roof over your head, some help getting back on your feet. If you wanna prove me wrong, be my guest.”

I finally peeled myself off the floor of the minivan, leveraging myself up onto one of the seats. “No offense, but uh…. I’m not some charity case. I’m not just gonna magically get better cuz ya decided ta help me.”

“Didn’t think you would.” the minivan jerked to an abrupt stop. “We’re here.”

~

Old barn my ass. This place was loaded!

There was a bed, and like, running water. I’m not picky.

The service worker swung by every other day, whenever they could get some time off. Usually with some godawful board game they’d pulled from a portal to the eighties. Ghost Castle, Mr T, the Garfield board game, which I was certain was just a way to mess with me… it was kinda fun, actually.

About a month into my stint, the service worker came over with a bottle of cheap whiskey, some clearance-aisle-bound snacks, and a copy of Return of the King: The Movie: The Game. “Play as Gollum!” the perfectly preserved cover proclaimed.

“I got time off.” They said by way of explanation. “Wanna hang out?”

There’s this great thing any amount of alcohol does to me- it just absolutely obliterates my inhibitions. I’m generally not the type of person to rant about their interests. But oh boy did that not last.

“You don’t even notice ‘em until you start looking for ‘em!” I ranted, spilling my drink all over the board. “There’s all these freakin’ things hidin’ in the shadows, and like- they’re scary, dude!”

“Like what?” the service worker asked, incredulously and a little tipsily. We were having a good time.

“Oh, there’s plenty!” I parted an invisible curtain, beckoning the service worker to follow like a fortune teller. “Wanna hear about it?”

“Hit me.”

“First thing ya gotta know is- y’know the most popular stories? Bloody Mary, Bigfoot- ah, that one’s a classic- yeah, they’re all made up!”

“Really?” the service worker rested their chin on their hands, leaning forward.

“Ah, Bigfoot’s the biggest scam of ‘em all. ‘Course you’re gonna see things out in the woods, with all them trees anaw.” I leaned in closer. “What you really gotta look out for is the not-deer. They sure do look like deer, but they ain’t, and lemme tell ya sum’n’, they pro’lly never were.”

“What do they do?”

“Eat ya, if yer lucky. Else, they just stalk ya. Don’t sound too bad ‘til ya see ‘em at the edge of every parkin’ lot, pair a spooky eyes just outta range of the street lamps. Ya see ‘em in yer backyard, standin’ there ‘til dawn, never blinkin’…”

I trailed off. The service worker hesitated, then put their hand over mine.

“You, uh… you have personal experience?”

“Nah, just… I guess once ya start lookin’ for ‘em ya see ‘em everywhere.”

Look at the ground. Don’t look up.

“I just…” a shudder jolted me out of my reverie. “Began makin’ a break for mah car, ya know? Middle of the day, I’d look over and… I saw ‘em in the walls, dude! In like, the paint. The shadows.”

“That sounds awful.” They interjected softly. I swallowed, suddenly uncomfortable.

“Dunno ‘bout that. Shoulda just dealt with it. What’s the worst a fuckin’ deer’s gonna do, hunh?”

Their grip on my hand didn’t waver. “…what happened?”

I pressed my lips together. “Well… tried to deal with it, and it didn’t really work. Started bein’ all sorts’a jumpy, saw things where they weren’t, yanno. Last straw was when ah broke down in this meetin’, started wailin’ ‘bout how those things were out ta get me… no comin’ back from that. Fired on the spot.”

Despite my best efforts to supress myself, I giggled. “Five years, man. Five years ‘a work, makin’ a life for myself, savin’ for the future, and the money jus’… disappeared. Month in I couldn’ afford utilities, so that’s the water and lights gone. Started spendin’ more cash on candles than on food…”

I wiped at my face, unable to look the service worker in the eye and unwilling to stare into the darkness of the middle distance. “Silly, ain’t it?”

“It’s really not.” they whispered.

Swallow. I told myself. Stare at the ground. You can do it.

“When everythin’ dried up, I was livin’ in squalor. Not a dime to mah name, no food, no water, no light. Gets stuffy in a house on the bay without air conditionin’, so I opened the second floor window one night. Came back from the bathroom to see that-”

I choked. “Th- that- I, I dunno if it was even there, or if I was just seein’ stuff, man. I screamed mah head off, slammed the door on it, curled up in mah bathtub an’ stayed there all night. Neighbour musta’ called in a check o’ some sort, cuz that’s where the authorities found me. Shipped me off to some- somewhere, I dunno. Best guess is it was a psych ward, but if that was a psych ward…”

The grip on my hand tightened. “Do… do you still see those things?”

“Eh, sometimes.” I leaned back, tried being nonchalant, made sure not to look where the light of the campfire didn’t reach. “Don’t have the same effect anymore, ya feel? Been there, done that.”

“I-” in a rare moment of discomposure, the service worker ran a hand down their face. “Jesus, we’ve been leaving you out here all alone when-”

“Hey, it ain’t that bad.” I forced a grin. “I’m better now.”

“And that’s thanks to the psych ward?”

“Oh, this sure is.” I groaned. “Greyhound therapy, they call it, and they ain’t talkin’ ‘bout the dog. Once a week they lined the worst of us up, stuck us on a Greyhound, and gave us a free ride to the middle ‘a nowhere. ‘s how I ended up here- no offence.”

“None taken.”

I leaned back, sombre. “Ah truly shudder to think of those that actually need help and get stuck on one of ‘em accursed buses.”

“You think you don’t need help?”

“Not like they do, buckaroo.”

During the long pause that ensued, we sat back and gazed longingly at the navy sky; scattered with stars.

“You’re coming with me tonight.”

~

I’d gotten help.

The service worker had a friend that had a friend that knew a guy who could fit me in on his lunch break. We mostly talked about my day, how I’d been feeling… sometimes I’d go off on him about being stuck in that awful, backwater town, insult his stupid hat to hide his balding head. Make fun of his legal pad he was constantly scribbling on.

Okay, the first couple of weeks were mostly that. But he gave me advice, and it… helped. Granted, it didn’t stop the outbursts outright- I didn’t know if anything short of horse tranquilizer could- but I was better. Two months into what I’d initially assumed to be a temporary rest stop on my road trip to an early grave, I walked into the local convenience store without the service worker at my back, thank you very much, and asked for a job.

They were short staffed. You know that thing they tell you about small towns and how everybody knew everybody else, how nobody would forget you? Hogwash.

The not-deer didn’t bother me as much anymore, not that I was still looking, not that I thought they were there in the first place. I was fine with the outside at night! And to prove it, I’d asked the service worker if I could put together a lil shindig of sorts.

“Ain’t campin’ fun?” I asked, passing them a marshmallow on a stick while expertly rotating mine over the campfire. Sparks danced in the sparse light of the Idaho moon. “Nothin’ better to relax after a long day’s work.”

“Indeed.” The service worker toasted the marshmallow, flames dancing in their eyes. “I’m glad you feel more comfortable out here.”

“Hey, so am I.” I laughed, definitely not nervous. “Ah, um, got another story to tell ya.”

“Hm?” they took a bite out of the marshmallow, holding eye contact.

“Well, uh… hm. Wanted to tell ya that seeing the not-deer… it ain’t exactly where mah story started.”

“Hm.” They hesitated, then set the stick aside. “Go on.”

Welp. This was it. LA or bust.

“Used to be this big-city-bumpkin ‘n whatnot, workin’ for the city as a… y’know, it ain’t all that important. Long story short, ah decided what got done ‘n what didn’t. Got this missive from upstairs that we needed some ‘drastic changes’, so I made this proposal. Cut environmental funding by half, among other things. They jumped right onta that one.

“Got picketed by some activists, but there wasn’t much we could do at that point. And, uh… ah was kinda proud of it, ya feel? There was some real shufflin’ in there, we were gonna do some good with that budget. I felt satisfied with mah work. Started goin’ out on the town, all that jazz…”

I breated, steeling myself.

“Walkin’ down by the pier, late afternoon or early evenin’, and… I dunno, think ‘twas th’ first time ah really noticed what the effects were. I knew in mah head, but like… there’s all this junk, piled up ‘longside the shore. Yellowed grass, lookin’ sickly, an’ the place was deserted. Can’t blame ‘em, it made me ill longer ah stayed there!

“Wasn’t even the worst part...this lady, ah… longest time ah thought she was this the water djinn, thinkin’ back she was pro’lly in the same situation as me couple ‘a months back now. Ah guess she recognised me from the news or sum’n? Cuz she looked at me, and there was all this… disdain, and hurt and grief and ah knew I’d caused it. Ah cannot describe that feelin’ ta ya in words, but ah pray ya don’t feel it yourself.”

I leaned back, rubbing my face, staring up at the sky. The stars were coming out, that was nice.

“Started goin’ downhill from there… read about the not-deer somewhere on the internet. They’re jus’ deer, ‘xcept real sickly. But that image of a diseased creature just… haunted me. Ah convinced mahself ah’d been cursed, ‘n well… ya know the rest.

“Ah’ve been lyin most of the way, friendo. Tellin’ tall tales, so ah don’t have to admit what it is ah’ve actually done. An I’ve resigned mahself to tellin’ ya the tallest tale of ‘em all.”

The cicadas were definitely quieter now. The retail worker didn’t interrupt.

“That ah didn’t mean for any of it ta happen. I- that’s what they taught us! Find places ta cut costs, and that’s what we did. Didn’t… think, ah suppose. Not that it makes it any better. Ah knew the basics, the broad strokes. Didn’t think it would get that bad. Or maybe ah didn’t think ‘bout it ‘til ah was on the receiving end.

“But truly, I didn’t mean it.” I concluded. “I didn’t.”

“Hey.” The service worker leaned forward, and for the first time ever, enveloped me in a warm, Lysol-scented hug. “I believe you.”

I hugged them back.

~

The moon hung much lower in the sky when I awoke.

We’d retired pretty soon afterward, and why shouldn’t we have? I got some trauma off my chest, we kickstarted the healing process, pretty productive day by any standards. I just wanted to sleep…

But there was something I still had to do.

The not-deer was there, kicking at the ashen remains of the campfire, when I emerged from the tent. I held a finger to my lips as I eased the flap shut, trying not to wake the service worker. It didn’t look as scary in the predawn light. Just… diseased. And sad.

There’s a parallel there, between it and me.

I pulled out the bag of marshmallows I’d stashed in my coat and tossed one to him. It caught it in midair, almost like it had done this before. I cracked a smile.

“Hey.” I said. “I’m sorry.”

The not-deer snorted, bowing its head.

Then it was gone, galloping- or as close to galloping as it could come- into the woods.

I stared after it for some time. Not in the ‘oh wow, I’m so shocked’ way, just… ruminating. Pondering.

It had been a full year since I’d taken that walk by the pier. Damn.

“There’s worse places to start over.” I muttered, pulling up the flap of the tent and retreating inside.

[madamebadger]

My maternal grandfather, my Grampa, passed away this week. It’s part of why I’ve been so scarce lately.

In some ways I’m, I guess, almost embarrassed by how much this has affected me. I’m thirty-four; losing grandparents is an expected thing at my age. (Is expected even younger than my age, really.) And yet.

My maternal grandparents were a pillar of my childhood. When I was a wee tiny child and my dad, who was in the army, was away on field exercises, my mom would load my brother and myself up in the car and go stay with our grandparents. When I was a little older and my dad was stationed in Germany, my grandparents would fly out--despite the considerable expense--at least once a year to see us. When my dad got out of the army and we drove cross-country from Washington DC to Idaho, my grandparents were waiting there, having driven up from California to watch my brother and me while my parents were doing the work of finding us a rental house, opening bank accounts, and doing other necessary work. And then thereafter we went to see them, or they came to see us, on a yearly basis, until they were too old to do so.

My grandparents were a rock in my childhood, I guess I mean to say. They were--

But let me back up. My Grampa grew up during the Depression, with shoes held together with tape. He married my Gramma, his high school sweetheart, and stayed married to her until he died--for over seventy years. He was the first person in his family to go to college, and it took him six years, because he was paying his way through college by playing minor league baseball. He went to school for a semester, then played baseball for a semester, and repeat. 

He graduated, and was a high school math teacher and coach. One of my mom’s favorite stories is when he was a young teacher--this would have been in the 1950s or so--and the school had a jungle-themed fair of some kind, and he dressed up like Tarzan and swung across the gym on a rope, yodeling.

He was the best, the best grandfather. When I was tiny, he swung me on the swing set, took me to the park. He took me camping from when I was very small--as soon as I was out of diapers--and when I was restless in the tent as a tiny child, he made up bedtime stories about the adventures of a tiny man who lived in his pocket, who made boats out of oak leaves and baseball bats out of toothpicks. When I was older and he and my grandmother visited us in Europe, he patiently went with us to the kinds of tourist places that children like--royal stables, Queen Mary’s dollhouse. Playgrounds.

He taught me to swim. He tried, patiently, to teach me to catch a baseball, even though I was hopeless. When I had my first adolescent heartbreak he said “Oh, dolly” and hugged me even though he had no idea what was even going on.

I ended up going to the same university that he did (the University of Southern California)--although I was lucky enough to have a full tuition scholarship, so I didn’t spend six years attending it while working in between. He was too sick to go to my graduation even then, but he sent me his class ring. I wear it now on a chain.

It is, in many ways, a mercy that he’s passed away. He was so sick and in pain for so long, and he’s had fairly severe dementia for at least five years. But he was a wonderful man, kind and funny and generous and loving, and I miss him so much.

[realretroroger]

QRKY Radio Playlist For 03/10/20

QRKY – Quirky Radio Playlist For 03/10/20

Listen Free.  Blues, Swing, Rockabilly, Old Time Radio Shows & More.

Click on the individual song titles in BOLD below.  They’re linked to music videos or to online audio files of the old time radio shows.  Or, if you’d prefer to autoplay the music video playlist, just click HERE.  It;s all for fun and for free, so enjoy.

Satellite Fever Asiatic Flu -- Paul Perryman

Sell The Coldest Stuff In Town -- Homer Zeke Clemons & the Texas Swingbillies

Hot Hot Hot -- Buster Poindexter

Yes I Know -- Linda Hayes

Has My Gal Been Here -- Casey Bill Weldon

No Wine, No Women -- Mr. Google Eyes & Billy Ford’s Musical V-8′s

Leap Frog -- Les Brown

Pontiac (Retro Commercial)

Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On -- Little Richard

Peter Gunn Theme -- Henry Mancini

Yes We Can Can -- Pointer Sisters

Avalon -- Red Nichols & His Five Pennies

Y Andale -- Linda Ronstadt with Mariachi Vargas

Ukelele Lady -- Jim Kweskin Jug Band

Tell Me -- Groove King

Popsicle (Retro Commercial)

Dixie Fried -- Carl Perkins

Cool Martini -- Blue Jeans

Yodel Train -- Yodeling Slim Clark

Don’t Answer The Door -- B.B. King

Mambo Baby -- Ruth Brown

Love, Life and Money -- Johnny Winter

Go Down Moses -- Louis Armstrong

Scorpion -- Carnations

GI JIVE Radio Show #703 -- Armed Forces Radio Service

Captain Video Ring Offer (Retro Commercial)

Shake, Rattle And Roll -- Fats Domino

Change In My Pocket -- Anson Funderburgh & the Rocket

A Viper’s Moan -- Willie Bryant & His Orchestra

Cooking With Glass -- Carmen Miranda with Xavier Cugat

Pencil Thin Mustache -- Jimmy Buffett

My Boyfriend Is A Convict -- Donna Kay Honey & the Cowpokers

Hobo Flats Parts 1 & 2 -- Jimmy Smith

Rheingold Beer (Retro Commercial)

Viva Las Vegas -- Elvis Presley

Bed Springs Blues No. 2 -- Jimmie Gordon

Into The Blue -- Dan Baraszu Trio

Heavy Makes You Happy -- Staple Singers

Your Funeral And My Trial -- Sonny Boy Williamson

I’m Talkin’ About You -- Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys

MELODY ROUNDUP Radio Show #528 with the Saddle Serenade Trio -- Armed Forces Radio Service

Ken-L-Ration Dog Food (Retro Commercial)

Mr. Moto -- Belairs

Girl From Idaho -- Little Anthony & Sugar Ray

Walk Away Renee -- Four Tops

Stay On The Right Side Of The Road -- Blue Chips

That’s How You Got Killed Before -- Dave Bartholomew

Lawyers, Guns & Money -- Saltine Ramblers

Zoot Suit Riot -- Cherry Poppin’ Daddies

[glycerineclown]

it’s river phoenix’s birthday and to my complete joy and surprise, eddy arnold’s yodeling classic “cattle call” from the my own private idaho soundtrack just came up on my itunes and i really miss him

[abbaswift]

i keep listening to that part in the state song where taylor sings “hawaii idaho” we love a yodelling queen

[lostnlavacowboygathering-blog]

Kristyn Harris, a Texas-bred musical powerhouse, is the 2016 & 2017 Western Music Association Entertainer of the Year, and the youngest person to have received this honor. Her powerful voice brought her all the way onto the 2018 season of ABC’s American Idol, where she sang and yodeled for the judges. This voice is complimented on stage by her swing guitar playing, songwriting, and energetic stage presence. Now 23, Kristyn tours across the U.S. and internationally. When she’s not playing music, her passions find her trick riding, training horses and working cattle, which inspire some of the music she writes. She is also influenced by classic western swing and B-western music, and styles from other songwriters. Kristyn brings joy and passion to her music. She is the 2017 Ameripolitan Music Awards Western Swing Female Artist of the Year and named the WMA Female Performer of the Year in 2014 & 2015. As one venue put it: "This bundle of energy and talent is 'the rage' on stage from the east coast to the west and if you can stay seated when she finishes her performance you're prob'ly 'bout ready for the grave!!" (at Shoshone, Idaho) https://www.instagram.com/p/BmRkMj_BJAY/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=he2rqtfr2ke1