#the hot date scene is pretty apparent but i digress

[vikingnerd793]

This is a great interview!

So, yes,

Characters in BG3 are bi/pan. Karlach is bi/pan, dialogue shows this. HOWEVER, Sam confirms Karlach was intentionally portrayed as Sapphic, and if anyone wanted to romance Karlach anyway, great!

So, look. I am bisexual. I am touchy when it comes to bi erasure. But you also cannot attack lesbians for seeing Karlach as sapphic when that is exactly how Karlach was intentionally portrayed. It's up to you, the player, to decide what you want Karlach to be. And lesbians have juuuuuust as much right to own Karlach as bisexuals do in this case.

And I absolutely romance Karlach with women, because it does feel natural to me. I can see her with Wyll, too. But I get Sapphic vibes. And, well....there is a reason.

We don't need to attack each other over this in the community. Karlach literally does have two hands lol

[andsmile]

imo it's pretty clear how varchie are more sexual than b*rchie and how she's meant to be the girl for him. what bothers you so much about b*rchie? no hate really, just wondering bc i've seen you shipped ships that involved cheating sl's before and that you seem to multiship with veronica, so why not give them a chance?

LE BIG SIGH and i was not going to answer it because i’m actually having a good day but i figure you’re probably one of my ba mutuals that really want me to give their ship a chance, but if you’re not, you’re someone who obviously ships ba and came all the way to my blog to ask my opinion so i’ll give it to you.

despite the fact that to me ba are MINDNUMBINGLY boring in a way i cannot begin to explain - like, tell me what the hell do they even have in common if not the past? what will they even do if they actually date? never will call archie a dumb fool like others like to, but they challenge each other in literally nothing and ba spent 340203 years as best friends but she never helped him grow up in anyway and he also made her stay the same, only when they went somewhat separate ways we’ve seen some growth for them as characters but i digress.

despite the fact that ras and his merry band of buffoons (thanks @monicasposh​) could’ve written ba’s storyline like other ships that i enjoy (cheating or no) and that actually made sense, but they didn’t, and they pull them as a triumph card out of their asses everytime they need to stir some drama between the core four because they literally cannot think of better and more intelligent ways of writing their dumb show.

the first part of your ask, this ridiculous assumption that varchie - despite having 4 seasons of continuous build up, romantic scenes, big ass love declarations, domestic content, literally fighting for and to each other, etc - are only about sex, is mainly the reason why i will never ship b*rchie and that i want them to burn in the fucking hell.

i am brazilian, like cami. white as a sheet of paper, different from cami, but i’m brazilian, therefore i am a latina. i have traveled the world and i couldn’t tell you how many fucking times white guys treated me nicely but when they found out i was brazilian, i was suddenly someone they stopped seeing as a potential girlfriend and started seeing as someone to have sex with. i’ve heard the most obscene things about how we are known to be spicy, hot and heavy in bed, down to anything mostly, and look, i am so fed up with this stupid stereotype that a latina woman is only there for white guys to stick their dicks in while they wait for the “right one”.

veronica lodge not only is a latina woman in the context of riverdale who gets the short end of the stick always (storylines etc) like every minority representation except for maybe cheryl but y’all are not ready for this convo, not only she’s that, but she’s also the girl y’all choose to say “it’s only about fun and sex” exactly like all the gringos that have told me this before. 

i don’t even care that it’s about ~the comics~ even though the comics have completely different scenarios and universes. i don’t give a fuck that betty has been pining for archie since 1940 (until she finally stopped when falling for jughead but oh well apparently some people think that she’s earned the right to be with archie). and i don’t give a fuck because in the riverdale universe ba ending up together is a way of saying yet another fuck you to latinos in media.

and it’s even worst because veronica is supposed to come from a mexican family, the WASP-y favorite prejudice, a family who already was turned into criminals because God forbid a non-american family being successful just with hard work, and a character that is one of the mains but always gets the shorter end of the stick because... oh, i wonder.

even if i thought ba were remotely interesting with a remotely good build up - which i don’t - i refuse to endorse a ship that perpetuates a stereotype that has been used against me and my loved ones so many times. i refuse to endorse a ship whose shippers main argument is to slut-shame a latina girl. i refuse to endorse or to even try to understand a ship whose shippers i’ve seen saying that varchie vs b*rchie is like “that guy who jerks off to latina porn but goes back to his (white) wife in the end”, or that veronica is just after her green card. and just so y’all don’t think i’m one-sighted, i also refuse to endorse a ship that takes the first real development of a character (betty) in 78 years of history and throws down the drain for a white guy.

so yeah, i won’t give ba the time of the day or “a thought”. maybe i would if veronica wasn’t a latina, maybe i’d try to see behind all the poor development, character assassination, and just the absolutely non-existent romantic chemistry between these two characters, but since she is, i refuse. i will not. and if riverdale decides that’s the road they are taking, then i will stop watching, because this is where i draw my line.

so yeah, thanks for asking.

[raeloganthesonic06fangirl]

Trying to deconstruct QuackerJack's vocabulary to a more easy to replicate format so I can understand the proper pool of words and phrases to pull from that fit his mannerisms, and it's just

"Rat Fink" (spoken in "Quack of Ages", after being outted for his deceit) seems to originate in 1964, which is great because that falls in line with my headcanon/assumption that QuackerJack was likely born in the 1950s, so 1964 would be in his early teen years, and that phrase is basically like calling someone out as a snitch or tattler, so it fits his general vocab as well as shows that his being emotionally stuck in the prime of his days is pretty well rooted.

Then we get words like "Fop" (spoken in "Whiffle While You Work", in which he hypocritically calls Darkwing as such, when he himself is far more fitting of the description).

How old is "Fop"?

... Of course. In fact, I do recall that the time travel portion of "Quack of Ages" takes place in 1592, so it's rather amusing that QuackerJack is 100% committed to this jester persona down to the word pool. Impressive, really.

Almost as if he may have use the Time Top more times than we've actually seen, in order to really get in the role, because why go to the Renaissance Faire when you can just get the real deal experience a la Bill and Ted style absurdity? I mean, he has to have at least tested it a few times before he knew that it most certainly would have worked as he expected in "Quack of Ages".

So now we have a wide pool of words already. QuackerJack can (and will most likely) speak like a court jester. He also will likely use slang that was popular in his youth, so you can also pull from 1950s-1980s, since he doesn't seem to really use too much 1990s terminology as well.

Why might I specifically say 1980s? Well, the cartoon takes place in 1991-1992, and 1980s wasn't too far behind it, and also

"Code Monkeys"

It's hard to pin down the origin years of the term, but it's seems to have made itself prevalent in the 1980s, and as it's a bit of a rude term meant to insult computer programmers by implying thier job could be easily done by a monkey smacking away at a keyboard for similar results (and gosh golly gee, ain't that the sort of phrase QuackerJack would have absolutely absorbed into his vocabulary, like the total luddite that he is)

So it seems that you can draw from quite a bit to pull some in-character idioms and age appropriate and themed phases.

Then I realized that it would make sense that the lexicon of all variations of the talking Mr. Banana Brains would have to be something of an extension of QuackerJack's preexisting vocabulary, as Mr. Banana Brain is merely an extension of QuackerJack.

Simply put: Mr. Banana Brain realistically cannot know phrases and terminology that QuackerJack is unaware of. QuackerJack subconsciously brings the voice to Mr. Banana Brain, therefore Mr. Banana Brain's vocabulary pool is QuackerJack's as well, and Mr. Banana Brain cannot know something that QuackerJack does not.

At least, logically so.

Granted, the series has never been 100% rigid with thier rules of physics and world building, as Mr. Banana Brain himself is such an oddity that may or may not be sentient himself, if only for the sake of plot convience or "rule of funny".

That brings me to this interesting bit from "The New and Improved Mr. Banana Brain" from the "Toy With Me" story

On the left is the original retail bit, and on the right is the Definitively Dangerous Edition change.

Bare in mind, this is under my assumption that the Mr. Banana Brains' vocabulary pool is identical to QuackerJack's to the T, no margin for variables.

Now, "new blood" is a relatively old phrase

Ah, the 1800s. Fits well between "Fop" and "Rat Fink"

Very plausible as a statement QuackerJack could use in terms of running a business, or might I say a Toy Empire?

But this change they made in the Definitively Dangerous Edition... is interesting.

"Old and busted" and "New hotness".

It's a very, very familiar pair of terms to me, and really stands out for a choice of speech here, and it's bizzare to think it's in QuackerJack's vocabulary, because, let me break it down for you

Where have we likely heard the combination of "Old and busted" and "New hotness" before?

"Men in Black II"

Which was released in 2002.

And the original film was released in 1997.

The original Darkwing Duck took place in 1991-1992, and while the comic continuation was released in 2011 (and shows modern technology and Disney cameos that existed after 1992)... The comics pretty much state that it takes place more or less a year or so after the cartoon, placing it in some futuristic aesthetic 1993-ish, maybe 1994.

Actually, I really want to say like 1995 or 1996, that's a good number stretches out QuackerJack spiraling bad luck into a less crunched timeline and gives him more time with Claire, but I digress

Anyway, I haven't actually heard the combination of "Old and busted" and "New hotness" used in anything OTHER than MIB2 and people who are referring to this scene.

Therefore, given that it's oddly out of place, I have to conclude that QuackerJack has done more unauthorized Time Crimes than we initially thought, and he most certainly popped over to 2002 to watch "Men in Black II" in theaters because why the heck not, who's going to stop him, amirite??

Or maybe the comic timeline exists parallel to ours in some wacky time passage ratio, and the Men in Black franchise in the Duck-verse happened sooner than it's dates here by years ahead.

So, in conclusion:

QuackerJack has seen "Men in Black II" and apparently got enough amusement out of the "Old busted hotness" scene that he subconsciously thinks about that periodically, and it finally surfaced via a renegade figment of his own creation gone off the rails

Also:

I'm like 100% sure QuackerJack would have been wheezing at that "WHAT IS A GAMEBOY??" bit.

... This started as a serious post about breaking down QuackerJack's vocabulary and now it's devolved into speculation that QuackerJack likes scifi action movies.

... Word.

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S3 Ep 39: Tea Fight

Hey I just wandered into a random forum on the internet about the deaths that impacted you the most in a series, and I was in there faster than you can say “How many GRR Martin fans does it take to kill off a pregnant lightbulb in a random wedding episode″ (the answer is no one in this entire forum watched anything but anime) and then this one guy stood up in the back of this little internet forum and was just going off about how this one dude died in Yugioh GX and he turned off the TV and like didn’t want to even go back to the season until his students were like “no really, professor, please keep watching Yugioh GX” and he was like “WHAT’S EVEN THE POINT NOW” and it was like...really??? The series where nearly 200 people have died in just the first 3 seasons??? (which I didn’t comment, don’t worry, I just kinda lurked in stunned silence)

So like, lets talk more about Yugioh, which apparently has one of the roughest death scenes in any series that this random adult guy on the internet has ever watched. Course that was GX. I’m pretty sure I take so long on this show that I’ll probably still be recapping Season 3 of Yugioh when I’m dead and reincarnated into some cursed locket that a poor internet blogger wears around their neck.

Which would be shaped like a DVD set of Seaquest, S2. Like sometimes we talk about -sonas and we draw people and characters but what would your puzzle necklace -sona be? (remembering that is has to be cursed, heavy, awkward, and as inconveniently shaped as possible--you can’t just say Gucci or wtv) Because mine is the DVD collectors set of Seaquest, but only S2. Bro says that his is a Comic Sans version of Tolstoy’s War and Peace.

But I digress, so we start this episode knowing that Joey and Kaiba are dueling or whatever--but honestly none of this matters to me. Not at all. This doesn’t matter to anyone because for the first time ever, I finally get to see Tea try and punch out a God. Or a Ghost. Really hard to tell the difference between God and Ghost in this show.

And like, no one else will even witness this event because they’re too obsessed with Joey. So much so, that Yugi makes a staggering observation.

In the actual dialogue of the show, Pharaoh’s response to Yugi’s comment here was “HMMMMMMMmmmmMMHhmmmmmmmm”

and it’s like yeah, hard agree, Pharaoh, hard agree.

(read more under the cut)

Anyways, our very punchable God/Ghost character never came down from atop of Card Mess Mountain, and he’s just been sitting here on his perch trying really hard to just parse what exactly went down over the past few episodes.

Marik right now is me before I write every recap.

So he decides, well if the Rod did something for Kaiba, I guess it should do something for me, thus kind of proving that no one on Earth understands how to use this item anymore. I was kinda banking on the the fact that Marik’s Slightly-More-Evil-Possessed-Ghost-God-Entity-Person was kind of like the only guy who knows what’s going on with these gadgets outside of Bakura, but nah. Not even this guy knows. Now that Bakura’s temporarily vaporized, basically all that these millennium items are now are heavy paperweights that sometimes make your life just super inconvenient.

And I guess it can possess minds but wtv. Had Marik remembered that this rod can possess minds he would have had a much, much easier time in this episode. Of course, we haven’t really seen him possess anyone since Slightly-Better-Marik peaced out, so maybe that’s just something only Slightly-Better-Marik can do?

Ah. There it is.

What sweet catharsis.

She doesn’t actually punch him, which is kind of a shame, but because they can’t show Marik explode like a slo mo frozen giant gummy bear shot with a deer slug directly on screen, this episode is Tea-punch free.

Anyway, during this episode, the Millennium Puzzle develops a neat new trick--which is to set an alarm to remind Pharaoh to check up on his sort-of-not-really-girlfriend for once in his damn lifetime because this asshole will not do it otherwise because he is just waaaaay too busy thinking about cards.

And then it just finally dawns on Yugi that he boarded Murderzone island like 3 hours ago.

And, because this is Yugi, do you think he’ll tell everyone else what’s going on? Do you think he’ll step in and be like “woah woah stop the game for five seconds I just realized Tea might be in huge danger and we all should go and stop the murder.”

Do you think Yugi, for once in his entire life, will finally tell the entire truth to his friends who have constantly given him love and support and who just want Yugi to tell them the entire truth even once? Just ONCE?

That’s right, in an effort to be polite, he apologizes to Joey for ditching him and then books it without bothering anyone else.

The lengths Yugi will go to be as awkward as possible in order to not make anything awkward.

And then he just books it as fast as he can go and I guarantee that offscreen, everyone just kind of stopped what they were doing, looked at eachother, and Seto was like “Well, now why am I even playing?”

Anyway, atop the tall tall tower that takes like 15 minutes to get to the top of, Marik as Tea is very easily holding their own. And listen, Marik didn’t say any of the next lines in these caps but I can’t stop thinking about how freakin weird this would be for him. I’ve been kinda holding this in for a little while and youknow what? I have to talk about it for just a little bit. Just a little.

Like I usaully just erase any shipping stuff but just...give me a little second to just...touch on this subject. Just a little bit.

And while Marik thinking about dating is absolutely not canon, I’m just saying, going from tombkeeper to living within the body of not-Pharaoh’s-GF must have been a really crazy ride for Marik. Like, he starts out life learning literally everything about Pharaoh lore that is left over from the wastes of time. But, none of it--and I mean none of it--could have prepared him for the High School dating scene of “but should I text him more than twice a day or is that too much texting?” They don’t tell you how to do that in the Pharaoh brand card scriptures that they tattoo on your back with a hot knife in underground Pharaoh school.

Marik went from mole-person who has no human contact to just watching this whole weird thing unfold with Tea and Pharaoh giving eachother hoverhands-of-a-hoverhands hugs, and it must have been just completely wild for him. I’m not suggesting he remotely enjoyed it or didn’t enjoy it, but I’m just suggesting that the thought must have crossed his mind that this would be the last place he ever expected to end up when he picked up the Millennium Rod.

And it’s like, congrats, Marik, your soul went to hell and then you accidentally dated your own god.

I’m sure there’s plenty of fanfics about this already to fill in the gaps, so I won’t go too deep into this but man, Marik could have possessed anyone, and he possessed this girl.

Which again was probably because she’s strangely super strong because then Tea reveals that she could have done this the entire time.

LOOK AT THIS.

SHE DID THIS FROM STANDING. OLYMPIC GYMNASTS CAN’T DO THIS.

And then I guess Marik got sleepy after that much effort and just passed out.

And no one got to see it, Ishizu didn’t see it, Pharaoh didn’t see it.

Who’s here now, PS, Pharaoh finally showed up. That long as hell elevator must’ve stopped like 4 times on the way up for Roland who’s on his break, probably heating up the grill to talk to the other Kaiba Dad Stand-ins and have a Kaiba Dad Stand-In brunch where all they do is talk about sports, dark sunglasses, and if they should send Mokuba to UC Davis or Colorado State.

And so, seeing that Tea is passed out on the ground, Pharaoh jumps to conclusions and it very much looks like we’re gonna get a Millennium Item fight, which we haven’t yet seen Pharaoh even do.

Like, when you think about it, do either of these people even know what they are doing? Like Marik can at least fight a bunch of robots and one stationary computer monitor, but does Pharaoh have any idea that thing can shoot lasers?

Much like a bobcat making itself look really big to fight other bobcats, Pharaoh managed to poof up his hair big enough to spook Marik into actually stepping down. I guess Marik figured he’d have a better time with cards than lasers that neither of them know how to shoot in any general direction.

I gotta say, Pharaoh’s reaction to Marik secretly being in the body of his girlfriend was like “oh. Well we better go save him then before he dies.” and I do appreciate that. He seems secure enough in his own identity to not be bothered by this gender reversal he was not even aware of at the time. How I wish more boys on TV were more secure about that type of thing.

Like obviously this show that has no romance in it will never actually talk about sexuality but just enjoy this moment of zen where this possible lowhanging punchline could have happened and the writers room went “do we have to do the Family Guy/Friends thing?” and they were like “nah.” because Pharaoh canonically would not at all be bothered by this. At all.

Anyway, I’m kinda bummed that they didn’t extend Tea fight out for 3 episodes, but at least I got one Tea fight in before the end of the series.

I can’t believe she did a weird backflip thing off of a rail that was on a tower 300 ft in the air. I can’t believe that was the B plot of this episode.

And here’s a link to read these recaps in Chronological Order.

[panickedvulture]

Found this in my drafts, so I’m posting it with no shame to give this blog some life while I’m busy trying to deal with post-endgame feels in the mcu sector of tumblr:

So I had a dream last night that made me realize I spend too much time on this site because it included some of my mutuals and people I enjoy like @theuriearchives ,@yagirlcammmm ,@i-think-im-ready-to-go ,@canyousevmyheavydirtysoul ,@dunjosephurieimagines , and @andbeingblueisbetter to name a few.

I have very vivid dreams and since I write all of them down I figured why not write it here where everyone can see it.

The genre for this dream: a mystery.

The setting: A beautiful cabin (apparently mine) plucked straight out of a “Visiting your SO’s family for the holidays” or a “fake-dating for a visit to your frenemy’s family” AU, my personal favorite. And there was a snowstorm going on outside.

I should also mention everybody had their own appearance. Usually I attach someone’s name with the face in their profile pic, meaning about everybody in this I previously imagined as Brendon Urie at different angles and in different lighting. But thanks to my brain randomly generating faces for everybody, I will be greatly confused in the case that I ever learn what you actually look like.

So, the topic at hand is, as it always is, Brendon Urie. Everybody’s cuddled up on the couch and on the floor in their pajamas drinking hot chocolate, eating dessert, and writing/giving ideas. In the background AFYCSO plays on an old record player, the fire is flickering beautifully alongside some black and white videos of old Panic! performances playing on one of those old big-backed TVs with lines across the screen – at this moment I feel like I am once again a preschooler laying on my stomach and watching movies in a pile of other preschoolers at my old after-school program but I digress–

Then somebody has the audacity to break into my house.

Me being the host of this gathering, I feel obligated to check on the noise. It doesn’t help that literally everyone stops what they’re doing to push me in the direction of the mysterious noise before going back to talking about the size of Brendon Urie’s dick (a conversation brought up by i-think-im-ready-to-go, just thought I should mention that).

So I get up, the second my back is turned nobody cares and I go into the bathroom only to find it flooded because this intruder flushed literally everything it could down the toilet.

To name a few things, it flushed:

1) The monstrous dildo linked on a post by beautiful-tragic-fallout (i don’t mean to call anybody out but its been on my dash with every damn refresh for the past week), who i-think-im-ready-to-go and theuriearchives make a point to explain is out of the house buying us more chocolate-covered strawberries.

2) Every single piece of Pretty. Odd. memorabilia I can imagine because someone just has it out for that album.

3) For those of you who have seen Monsters Inc, the toys Boo flushed down the toilet in that one scene.

4) An entire manuscript that my mind recognizes as smut written by @xxip-smut

5) And pink, fucking, crocs

So I walk back into the living room and round everybody up, declaring we’re on a manhunt for whoever the fuck had the audacity to break into my house, and with that we separate into groups. Accompanying me is Cam who wields a flamethrower while wearing pastel yellow pajamas with baby elephants printed on them.

Eventually after getting tired of Cam pointing the flamethrower at my head even when in ‘resting position’ and scaring the shit out of me, we go into the basement only to find everybody else chose to search the basement and the rest of you have been arguing about who actually gets to search the basement.

Long story short, the basement doesn’t get searched.

Instead to deal with the tension, dunjosephurieimagines suggests we all go back to talking about Brendon’s dick. So we go back to talking about Brendon’s dick.

We sit on the floor in a circle in this basement not realizing its dark and creepy as hell, and if you’ve seen That 70s Show the ‘camera’ moves around in this circle to focus on the face of whoever’s talking. The conversation adds up to smut, theuriearchives pulls out a blunt and i-think-im-ready-to-go pulls out a gun, we start playing russian roulette. Out of guilt for not writing a request sent to me months ago because I suck, I give andbeingblueisbetter a free shot at me. Being a saint they don’t take the opportunity yet.

So anyway, being high and creative a thought comes to us all at once. This thought…where the fuck is @loverontheleft ?

Now we’re all mad and sad and scared and alone because where, the fuck, is cece? Everybody starts asking everybody if they’ve seen her, we conclude the answer is no and we all start freaking out.

Then we realize canyousevmyheavydirtysoul (codename: Sev) is being really quiet.

We all turn and just stare like “So um….whats up?”

Flash-forward, this is all of us trying to figure out cece’s identity, sev is just sitting on the floor smiling and reacting to everything we say with reaction gifs they pull up on their phone, meanwhile we’re all screaming running around, we’ve made a literal office out of this basement and we have glasses and slip-on ties on top of our pajamas.

Then there’s a noise upstairs because we forgot there was someone who broke into my house.

Y’all turn on me and push me up the stairs to my death, I realize this is the cabin that appears in the bodyguard series at one point (wonderfully written by canyousevmyheavydirtysoul, binge it), and in front of me is the super fancy dining room table. There’s mail on it, some envelopes, and I’m like uh no and turn around to come back downstairs.

But you’re all at the bottom of the stairs staring at me and threatening me with your knives and Cam’s flamethrower – where you got the knives I don’t know. I hesitate in turning around for a second so andbeingblueisbetter shoots me.

But I’m like, you know, walk it off. So I do and I go to the table. I’m terrified, break out into a nervous sweat, but it’s fine.

I go and open the folder.

And O - fucking - kay

If you haven’t read the bodyguard series or ready to leap I’m not gonna detail any spoilers, just the main plot given right away, and even if you have it probably won’t help this make any more sense. Here….is the story:

Our beloved Cece started off as a teacher, right? But not just any teacher, Ms. fucking Milton, who started a relationship with the music teacher of her high school, Mr. Urie, who in this case is in fact Brendon Urie of our universe and lead singer of Panic! at the Disco. But the deal with him is that he got tired of the fame and through extensive work he managed to get rid of all the files that legally point to him as being Brendon Urie of Panic! at the Disco. And for the first few years of his teaching, all the kids knew he was Brendon Urie I mean come on, but eventually the whole school and town settle on the idea that this is just one of those situations where twins are separated at birth and coincidentally given the same exact name. So boom, they do what they do – but newsflash, Cece is Y/n from the Bodyguard series and knowing Mr. Urie’s relationship with Ms. Milton, S.H.I.E.L.D pulls a Hydra Bucky Barnes situation in order to train Brendon into the best damn bodyguard the world could imagine because Cece is a valuable asset that needs the absolute best protection. Canyousevmyheavydirtysoul was like a journalist or something for S.H.I.E.L.D and witnessed all of this go down, knows every little thing about these two. So they get trained, they get close, drama happens, then they’re all put under-cover. Brendon goes back to being Brendon Urie of Panic! at the Disco, Sev and Cece are assigned to live their current lives and specifically assigned to write their stories for this Tumblr community to get everybody off their trails.

And then I look up. And there’s cece and I think…

“She is about to fucking, kill me.”

I try to throw the folders at her but for some reason I can’t throw anything in my dreams, so I get frustrated that my arm just won’t work, Cece in the meanwhile uses this time to approach me. My mind can’t even generate her an appearance and I think that she’s wearing a disguise because she’s like a spy or something that did after all break into my house to clog my toilet with dildos.

We maintain eye contact for what my dream-self recalls as a long time. I feel this energy in my soul I have never felt before and it is not fun, I don’t like it.

She takes the folder from me and gives me a red one.

And with her eyes piercing my soul, I get this feeling that literally has my skin vibrating even after I wake up, and I hear this voice that’s like “I know you know. And I’m watching you.”

So I woke up in a cold sweat obviously and tried to suppress this whole thing but it kinda lingered in the back of my mind all day. Then the weird tiny details came back to haunt me when I saw the elephants at the zoo. 

[seenashblog]

Nash Watches & Rates Cheesy Hallmark & Lifetime Winter Movies So You Don’t Have To

a.k.a. -  Nash Records Her Viewings Of Hallmark & Lifetime Winter Movies, which are fanfic in visual form & are gold. And yes, it’s a apparently a legit sub-genre. Best I can tell, if it’s not Christmas or Valentines, and there’s snow, then it goes. Spoilers abound.)

Note: This adventure has been moved to here from my main blog @seenashwrite, so my SPN peeps can rest assured they’ll not be exposed to this any longer - I have a feeling I’ll not be done purging my soul for a while yet #bless my heart

As per last time during the Christmas round-ups, 4 and 5 stars mean the best of the lot, 3 stars means it’s not necessarily a waste of your time, 2 stars is up to your discretion, and 1 star means it is time you will never get back.

Winter's Dream (Kristy Hot Damn Swanson, Dean Mothafukkin' Cain - Hallmark)

With it packing this level of stardom, how can it go wrong? Understand that I can take or leave Dean Cain, but Kristy Swanson is the shit. 

The official summary/another summary from somewhere:

When a former ski champion re-enters the competitive world after a 16-year-old downhill racer asks for help, she finds a new love and reawakens an old passion.

Former pro skier, Kat, is asked to coach a younger skier, named Anna, and finds love with the girl's widowed father, Ty.

These are both kinda garbage summaries - I mean, they're accurate, but it doesn't paint the whole picture. There's nothing really to spoil, and though it hits a couple things on a winter bingo (still forthcoming), they're more the Hallmark staples, such as the kid (in this case, a really great teen gal who's a good actress) who brings people together, and that the lodge/the resort is in danger of being lost, and somebody teaches somebody else how to skate, and that shit, but the bottom line is it's a fine watch. It's not spectacular, but it's not dipped in cheese, and there's some really pretty shots of the skiing (especially something they do at the end), plus kudos for the body doubles (the ones doing the actual skiing) were spot-on, and the teen actress did an impressive end-of-run stop at one point, you know it's her because she immediately whips off her mask.

Bottom line, this movie woulda been ass if not for Swanson and Cain, who didn't have greeeeat chemistry, though they made it work. In any event, the script was solid - like I say, not a great deal of cheese and any lines that were aren't sticking out to me because they were delivered so well - so I'm actually gonna rate this one decently high.

4/5 stars

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Love on the Sidelines (this dude who's been in three movies I've seen so far, John Reardon, and some basic blonde chick who is vaguely familiar - Hallmark)

This isn’t technically a winter one, I don’t think, but it’s on, so it counts.

So they try to throw you from the get-go with "Is injured dude gonna be the love interest which is totally inappropriate since he's her boss and clearly got about 12 years on her and has made multiple patronizing comments to her, about how physically strong she is and about her classic car and about her abilities in general, or is it the other dude on the team who took an immediate interest in her and has thus far been polite and respectful and friendly and flirty?"

(By the way, main dude has cock-blocked his friend, but he has a model girlfriend [who is styled to be a stereotype from extensions to heels] and it's also shown he has no idea about stuff she likes/is into, such as her favorite flowers - but chick knew because she had 'em out for their romantic dinner. That's right, it's part of her assistant duties - and she's supposed to be helping him with activities of daily living stuff - is to prep his bone zones.)

If they make dude #2 turn out to be a douche and that main dude is somehow awesome underneath all his shit----- what am I saying, of course they are. The latter, that is. You know I'm right. Hundred percent.

People are like losing their chickens over this jersey she's tailored to be a "girl fit" - you know what I mean, it's not a box with sleeves, there's tailoring to it, so the sleeves aren't so ginormous and it's tapered on the sides. This jersey's been the topic of about three interactions thus far and we're only 40 minutes (so 30 mins airtime) in. They're all "Wow!" and "This is so creative!" and "My wife would love that, where'd you get it!"  Y'all, google for this, that type of jersey, I mean. [pause] Nevermind, here:

I put in the mystical combo of "women's NFL football jersey".

THIS IS REVOLUTIONARY

Hey, and heh-heh.... quick bonus....

WHYENNE!!!! THAT BITCH IS EVERYWHERE

But hey, how else would we know that fashion design is her passion? Scriptin' be hard, yo. Speaking of her clothes skillz - "I think there's more to him," she says to BFF, whose wedding dress she's fitting. First, *eyeroll*. Second, if your friend is trying to watch a football game and learn the basics, don't let them fit you for your farging wedding at the same time. Which is what is happening.

There's twinkly magical music when his hand runs over hers when they're both searching under the couch, feeling around for his dropped cell phone.

*more eyeroll*

I do like the car, it's a red Mustang.... early 70s, maybe?.... but I can say I don't care for the shade of red, it's a little too cherry popsicle or hooker scarlet lipstick.

(My dream car is probs a Mustang muscle in black, but as far as zoom-zooms go, I tell ya, a friend of mine had a Porsche Boxster, and What. A. Ride., and he'd offered to teach me how to drive stick on it - not a euphemism, I swear, I was 16, my dad was his mentor, he's like the child my father never had - I'M A HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT OKAY - so like my big brother, and anyhow, it was so beautiful I gasped at the very thought. But sweet babby jeebus, those suckers are smooth rides. None of this matters.)

Anyway, she keeps having trouble starting it, and I can tell by the sound it isn't the alternator, nor is it the battery, nor is it a belt, nor is she flooding the engine. I know fuck-all about cars as a general rule, but I know those sounds because I've experienced all of them. It has now gone to commercial, as he's just looked under the hood and announced after 3.8 seconds "Yup, I think I see your problem."  He must have x-ray vision. I am on pins-and-needles, shivering with anticipation.

Back from commercial, he's shutting the hood and she's saying "Wow you did it!" and wiping grease from his face. He's got an absolutely wrecked calf/ankle/foot (and straight up, they've done a good job making it all seem legit, props to... well, props... and make-up), but you're telling me he was standing and bent over long enough to get all greasy, and he's supposed to be - most of the time - either sitting or standing with that bitch elevated. This was stupid. This was a stupid, wholly unnecessary scene. Oh except we find out - because it's visible in the back seat - that she's read his children's book.

That's right. He's written a children's book.

Dude's mom: "I think he's dating the wrong type of women". Subtle, screenwriters, subtle. Now he's sneaking and working out. I really hope they show his ankle buckling out at a wicked angle. I'm gross like that. Twinkly music plays as she waits for him in the locker room while he's in with the sports trainer because he shouldn't have been working out.

Forgot to mention there's an awesome dog, this really beautiful Dane, and of course it loves her and hates Stereotype, because reasons for him to go ga-ga. She's honestly not bad, I have zero issue with the actress, nor with this actor, they're actually both good, but between the music and this script, I'm fighting over what rating to give it. (Checks clock) Welp, the next 45 minutes should tell me. It's dragging ass, I'll tell you that, though.

Like, nothing's happened. Nothing. He has an injury, she's his new personal assistant. I can list traits they each have. I've seen groups of moments. I don't know what the story is. Is it just "they get closer and fall in lurve"? That's... not a story. That's a series of facts. People meet their partners/spouses via the workplace all the time. What's the plot? What's the conflict? The obstacles? The tension? The OOMPH, I'd call it, is missing. This is what kills me about most fanfic - they just tell me stuff, they aren't showing me a new perspective or a twist or a unique take or differing interpretation that's still supported by canon, or an inventive plot that or what-the-hell-ever. Dean and Whyenne were in the bunker and they researched and they cooked and they talked about Cas and Sam, and they argued about her going on a hunt, then they kissed, the end! That's not a story, that's a daydream. I've digressed.

Now he's texted her "the emergency code" while she's at her best friend's wedding, and turns out it's because he's cranky because his sister said he's got to learn how to not be the center of attention. And she - I am proud to say - lets. Him. Have. It.  Part of what she says is - Can you do *anything* for yourself?!  And he goes - This!  And he kisses her, and it takes her off guard, but then they go for it, and I am actually happy for them.

Shit. I still hate that this isn't a story, but holy hell the difference when some conflict is introduced. Ahhhhhmazeballs. Conflict, however minor, is what shows us who these people we're watching/reading really are - and no, conflict does not mean angst, nor does it mean some sort of heart-breaking, can't-take-it-back fight, nor does it mean life-and-death, just divergent paths or opinions is all it takes. I've digressed again.

My interest is piqued because we have a half-hour to go, and typically this is how Hallmark blows their wad in the last fifteen.

[time passes]

Okay, a couple things turned out decent. Y'all will *love* what the best friend pulls at the end, and she and her hubby have been great throughout, but this one particular thing was clutch. And everybody had chemistry, family and friends and romance alike. It just can't help the lack of story, and I really detest the manner in which they made lead dude a jerk - there's other ways to do that besides going the lazy route, a.k.a. being sexist. It's not as bad as a two (a.k.a. - this is a matter of taste), because there's some objectively good stuff.... on the other hand, my lord is dragged. So I'm going with a three, because it's a toss-up as to whether you're gonna really like it, or think "Meh".

3/5 Stars

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One Winter Weekend / One Winter Proposal (Taylor Cole, some other people - Hallmark)

So the former was in last year's winter line-up, the latter in this one. Taylor Cole played Sarah Blake on SPN. I see she's also on deck for some detective thing on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries.

And.... that's all I got to say about that.

I genuinely tried to watch these. They played them back-to-back, and speaking of backs, mine was acting up so I was laid out, and I thought - all right, this'll kill some time. And I fell asleep at 6 p.m., y'all. I took ibuprofen, I was not getting liquored up, I slept plenty the night before, and I fell the fuck to sleep. These movies are boring as fuck. 

I saw no sparks, and there were two couples from which to divine said spark. The co-lead chick was incredibly annoying, she plays everything too perky, and it's really evident in scenes with her romantic interest, who is a good actor and came off completely naturally. Actually, he should've been the main-main male lead, I bet he'd have had great chemistry with Cole, who's a better actor than the dude they had her paired with, but I say all that to say, the script was... meh. The pacing of both movies was weird, and the conflicts that were in them (see above for discussion on what conflict in stories actually is) were nothingburgers. It was stupid. Don't waste your time, seriously.

1/5 stars

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We interject for a non-review that needs to be mentioned. Oh, Lifetime. Holy shitsnacks.

Double Mommy (I... I don't know... people... - Lifetime)

This is the synopsis:

Ryan discovers his friend Bryce is the father of one of his girlfriend's twin babies and that he date raped her at a party over the summer. With college looming over Bryce's head, he will stop at nothing to make sure that he clears his name.

Because the guys' feelz are what's important, here.

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The Birthday Wish (Jessy Schram, who only acts one way and that is coked-up squirrel with blonde barrel curls - Hallmark)

This is the official summary, and it should let you know how pleased I was to watch this:

On her birthday, a woman who desperately wants her boyfriend to propose to her wishes for the opportunity to see into the future, with surprising results.

'Cause I love seeing "desperate" and "woman" in the same sentence about my main character! This was precisely what you think based on the summary - though I will say Schram doesn't play it "desperate" so that was kind've a weird word for them to use - she somehow has these premonitions (it's never explained) and the boyfriend's a dick and she ends up with her co-worker who's a great guy. The end.

1/5 stars

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Once Upon A Prince (Megan Park, who is familiar though I don't know how, and a quite charming British fellow who isn't really, he's actually from Canada by way of New York but sounds really damn convincing - Hallmark)

Also unsure this is “winter”, but it’s worth talking about. Seriously. Still, let's get the shite - and it's minor! - out of the way.

First complaint: they blew their wad in the title. Not that we don't get the scoop fairly quickly, but... welp, no we don't, the beans aren't spilled for a while - they *easily* could've skirted it, and they HAVE, it's very nicely and smoothly done, I mean, you can divine it but it's not plot anvil'd, his situation unfolds gradually across the first act, which is so refreshing. Whoever titled it was the screw-up. I'm looking at you, Hallmark execs. All their titles spoil.

Second complaint... despite the adept nature they handled main dude's backstory, there's a really bad clunker of an anvil in that first bit - we know exactly how he's gonna propose to her in the end because they shoe-horned in really abrupt and almost non-sequitur dialogue for her wherein she tells him her dream proposal not terribly long after meeting him. It was weird and awkward. I mean, the fuck. I get she was still rattled as her longtime boyfriend with whom she had both business and personal futures planned out breaking up with her in the prior scene(s), but shit. They do recover a bit by having our dude - and damn, I love him, I genuinely do - comment something to the effect of "Well oftentimes it's easier to tell a stranger things we can't tell the ones to whom we're close". My point is, they knew it was a dog of a line, but I thought of three options to get the topic out there over the course of them getting to know each other just while I’ve sat here typing this recap - hell, they revisit the damn location later, when they are friends vs. strangers! It was bad writing.

Third complaint... y'all know by now: I hate the fake made-up countries. And this one is (wait for it) Cambria. Google Cambria. Go ahead. I'll wait. [pause] Nevermind, I'll just tell you, and this isn't because I have some bizarre encyclopedic knowledge of the way-back-when in Jolly Ol', it's because - well - I'm a reformed dinosaur nerd, and that overlaps with having an understanding of geology, because fossils. There, I said it. There were charts and sketches and stuff of the various periods of dino development from National Geographics on bedroom walls. I had it bad. For the record, I loved the book Jurassic Park, and the first movie was great, and the rest are good for laughs. The last two are good for mocking. I probably would've been a paleontologist, except for when my Christian father, who at the time  I thought was the smartest man in the world (and he is objectively intelligent in many ways) told me God put the dinosaurs in the earth, that there's no way the earth is as old as science proves. (I say proves, he said claims.) 'Cause, y'know, an almighty being is totes into pranks. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Funsies. I've digressed.

The quick-and-dirty is that the Cambrian is the geologic period that's from around 550 million years ago. (Okay this part I'll look up, because I'm so nerdy.... yup, I see it's 542-488 mil.) Anyhow, the dude that coined the name found the goods, the exemplars that proved this stage in earth history/backed up earth's age in Wales. And the area now known as Wales used to be called Cambria a way long time ago. Not millions time ago, of course. Trilobites and whatever can't speak... THAT WE KNOW OF. So I don't know if somebody was just like "Oh, that sounds like it could be a country" or somebody was being cute, thinking Cambria wasn't real, like it was something akin to Camelot, I've no idea. Who cares, it's stupid.

However.

Guys.... y'all.... my peeps.... um.... this'n is a keeper, so I'm not going to break it down and spoil it. It is very much worth watching, if you're into these types of movies, because it differs in a huge, very positive manner. Here's why this movie is above average for Hellmark: there's legitimate conflict (see above, re: what that means), and - most importantly - they are friends. They are buddies. They genuinely like each other. This isn't just about romantic love, this is about two people who care about what happens to each other. They care that the other person is living a life in  which they are happy.

There's also some realism here, not because it's an identical situation (it is not, trust) but in the broad strokes, I think of the Prince Harry-Meghan Markle situation. Middleton is uppercrust Brit stock, if memory serves (I'm not looking it up) with some sort of pseudo-distant-whatever royal line connection. She was gold for William, she's a good option for a queen (I mean, I'm sure there's duchesses out there, but that ain't who Wills loved). Now, Markle? So far from what would be called uppercrust. So, so very far. And yeah, yeah, I get that it's not as big a deal since he's not direct but more adjacent in line to the throne, but c'mon. It was a big deal. And you know all the ways why, I won't go through them here. My dude broke about a bazillion years' worth of tradition, and good on him.

And at the end of the day, that's what this movie is about - making your own way, creating your own traditions, adapting the old traditions, having confidence to do the things you're good at, the things you believe you're meant to do, and doing them the way you think is best. Is this a deep movie? No, it's fucking Hallmark, haven't you been paying attention? You think they let us escape without a super-rushed, wrap-it-up-in-the-last-five-minutes ending? You know better. I'll tell you this, though - it may not be deep, but it ain't shallow. And it's the best royal movie we've had so far, despite the too much haste with information-giving in the beginning and with the title and, as you'll find out, a really bleh last line... and of course with him being king of Fossilville. (I'm not letting that go.)

You're going to love him, he's a doll and classy and darling the entire time. You're going to love her, she's self-assured and fun and mature and hard-working. And you're really going to love John the valet. We find ourselves at ratings time and, somewhat shockingly:

5/5 stars

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Past entries below

Winter Castle (people you’ve never heard of - Hallmark)

Holy shit, cliché on parade and nobody can act?! Jack-friggin’-pot. Zero chemistry amongst anyone, from family to friendship to romance?! Hot damn.

So they’re all at this place for a destination wedding (a.k.a, Selfish And Life-Disrupting And Huge Expense For Guests Thing And Oh Here’s Our Registry Too, come at me brah), and everyone is staying in a hotel. HA! KIDDING! They’re all in this giant faux igloo, and by “faux” I mean there are these church-esque doors in what is, I guess, a specially-flown-in iceberg on land. Google tells me it’s an actual place.

Anyway, through the doors you’ll find hallways (that have people carved into them, not creepy at all) which are lined with rooms. Suites? I never saw a bathroom door, doesn’t damn matter, nobody poos in Hallmark’s world. Oh, also, for lighting, we have Target pillar candles, then everything’s backlit in ‘80s neon:

Are they shitting me?

But that’s beside the point. Point is, it may be pretty to look at but in execution, it’s stupid. No way people haven’t had to peace out and find a new joint to stay in because of near or actual hypothermia. Based on the warm, cozy, wood-floored, windowed, staircase-and-balcony-having rehearsal dinner area in a large building with stone wall exterior, this hotel actually has some, y'know, hotel to it. Lodge? Who cares, but I bring it up because of the standard precocious child who is there to bring everybody together whilst turning into a popsicle.

The poor kid is bundled within an inch of her life, dumb bunny-eared toboggan to puffy jacket, and is burrito’d in a sleeping bag, with a quilt on this bed that looks to be carved out of ice, as well, and I say “as well” because our leading lady is shown frequently perched on what looks to be a chair carved out of ice (fur puffy thing for ass protection) with her laptop on a table carved out of ice when she’s face-timing her Not Gay Male Best Friend in a bow-tie and sweater vest back home, and - bonus! - he doubles as The One Person Of Color. Now, if memory serves, legit igloos made by actual First Nation(s) folks (meaning both Canadian and American - specifically, Alaskan - and probs any groups that found themselves in the way-way-North in the way-back-when and had to come up with this genius or, you know, die) are actually pretty damn warm once the fire gets cranking. Not to say you don’t keep some fierce socks and gloves on, that’s plain smart, but enclosed space with heat is enclosed space with heat - just don’t lick the walls. That’s good advice, igloo or otherwise.

On that topic, via the article linked above, says one of the actresses:

“It’s like an igloo,” Mullen told the Standard. “The further you go into the hotel, it gets colder and colder. As you walk down the hallway into the different rooms, it’s just getting into your bones.” She said every time they called “Cut!,” everyone would put on jackets to warm up.

She’s incorrect - that’s not like an igloo. It’s too big, that’s why it doesn’t stay warm. I have *zero* desire to go to this place. That sounds like Dante’s Frosty The Snowman circle of hell. I digress.

I say all that to say, this movie is straight dumb because the script is basic bitch, they were leaning on the location and hard. It gets a star because they tried in the sense that they did use a unique setting, but the rest was neglected (the story and the casting). Everything else was so blaaaaaand, and the acting was so stilted and unnatural, and they cast the mother with someone who looks the exact same age as the lead gal/her sister (the bride), and then there’s this one chick character who was so pathetically desperate, and the leading man was such a pussy who wouldn’t make a fucking decision, and they had our leading lady be all *sniffle* and tolerating that shit AND SHE JUST MET HIM BY THE WAY, and I just…. ugh.

1/5 stars

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Royal Matchmaker (Bethany Joy Lenz - Hallmark)

This isn’t an “official” Winter '19 jam, google tells me it’s from the '18 spring movies, but everybody’s bundled up, so I’m calling bullshit. It ain’t half-bad, despite the fact that it’s a “royal” one, who’d-a-thunk? There was one over Christmas that got a 4 (see link up top), and I never would’ve predicted it. But that was an oldie-goldie, this is now. This one has the traditional royal romance beats and, no shit, the sidekick is the same one from another “royal”, the absolutely horrid “Christmas At The Palace”, from Christmas ‘18. I cannot reiterate how bad that movie was - not ”My Christmas Love“ bad, but bad.

All right, so - she’s a matchmaker from NYC, which is at least a new take on what’s coming next - and you guessed it, a prince HAS to get married or some reason, even though it’s mentioned they are under a Parliamentary system and not a monarchy, but he still has to because it’s the 17th century, oh wait no it’s not. The king, who is from a random made-up locale (*sigh*) has hired her (and said partner) to find a suitable wife for his son, who’s presented as the typical eligible rich bachelor, and “presented as” is the key phrase. It’s one of the things I like about this plot, but it doesn’t outweigh the bleeeccchhh.

For one, it wears me out, the making-up of countries. It’s distracting. If you’re gonna do royalty, the right move is to have the royal not be a king/prince but make it a duke/duchess jam, refer to the locale vaguely as a duchy in England or Ireland or Scotland or Sweden or Norway or whatever Americans will fall for, 'cause as a rule, Americans aren’t typically hip to other countries’ jams. Hell, say someone is a prince/princess, but it’s more in inherited title only - that’s what the 4 from the Christmas list did right. Nobody called him “Prince Whatever”, he wasn’t presented as this hot commodity, it was a nothing burger, we didn’t even find out that he had the title til near the end of the movie. I’ve digressed, back to this flick.

I detest the royal garb they’ve got lead dude in at the conclusion, it looks like you or I waltzed into Party City and slapped down $30 and walked back to the set. It’s ill-tailored and in too-bright colors and is, again, something utterly distracting that could’ve been avoided, and same with the king’s, too-small jacket to too-long length of slacks. All the women, including our main gal, are in prom dresses straight off the rack from Sears and J.C. Penney’s. This is not praise. The men are all in identical rented tuxedos with clip bow-ties. Thanks, I hate it.

I mean, and I hate that there’s a ball at the end at all, but it goes hand-in-hand with the core premise, which is that they’re on a tight schedule - ol’ Bethany has 4 weeks. They, of course, fall in love with one another, and props to casting because these two look good together and have decent chemistry, but that could be because Lenz knocks these movies out of the park - this is the third… maybe the fourth… that I’ve seen with her - she elevates everything she’s in. When I mentioned her to a friend, I was told she also elevated some shitty TV show that I never watched, so perhaps you are already familiar with her.

Anyhow, once again there’s too much filler and the ending draaaaaaags and then BOOM it’s done in the last three minutes, which is standard for these movies (both Lifetime and Hallmark), I’d say, about 95% of the time. The story was good in that the prince wasn’t a typical playboy and he kept his philanthropic side a secret because he didn’t want press invading these small villages and whatever he was helping rebuild - he genuinely likes getting his hands dirty and he actually knows how to do shit, he fixes a radiator at a community center at one point. Eh. I dunno. It had such potential in the front half, then just shit the bed in the back half, so it was half of a waste of my time. But you may dig it. It’s far from the worst of Hallmark’s offerings but, again, I think it’s because of Lenz, she’s the only thing getting it up from a 1/5.

2/5 stars

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Oh… oh mah… what the… we interrupt the winter fare for what looks like a rando that’s snuck in and christ on a cracker, no. No. No. NO. The summary:

A woman begins an online relationship with a famous photographer, not realizing that she is actually communicating with the man’s young son.

This caught my ear because as I was sitting here writing up the last movie, it came on, and I hear this woman’s voice, her typing (so it’s her voice in her mind), then a man’s voice (as she’s reading), and I looked up when the man’s voice started switching to a kid’s (boy’s) voice back and forth every sentence or so - and then I looked at that summary, and….

NO

"Chance at Romance”, it’s called –> 0/5 stars, I don’t even need to watch it, what a stupid garbage fucking premise, and it’s gross, and I hope that shit kid gets punished, like as in, no computer til he’s old enough to own his own home and pay for his own internet, because scumbag kid. If he has the balls to pull this catfishing shitstorm on a fucking adult and gets away with it, what the fuck will he do to manipulate girls his own age? Gross. IT’S A GROSS PREMISE YOU GREETING CARD FUCKTARDS

.

Love On Ice (Andrew Walker, who’s in every fourth movie, and  the lead chick’s familiar her name is Julie Berman - Hallmark)

Former pro skater, now teaching - don’t worry, it’s not the aforementioned “Christmas At The Palace”, despite the similar M.O. - and decides to go for one last run at regionals because the new coach in town who’s teaching the next big thing is like “You used to be the next big thing, why don’t you undo eight years of not training aggressively in, like, a couple weeks and compete against the girl I’ve been hired to make a winner, and I’ll coach you both, because I have a boner for you and your shitty blonde extensions! No, that’s not what he says, but that’s the deal, yo. The next-big-thing’s got an overbearing mother and, once his boner gets found out, here comes a new coach that used to be the former-next-big-thing’s coach, and she’s a horrible actress, she can’t play sneaky-evil to save her life. I liked the two leads, and they did a better job than the other ice skating scenes/movies with concealing the real skater actors, but overall this was as boring as watching paint dry, I just wanted it to be over.

1/5 stars

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The Perfect Catch (Nikki DeLoach and… shock of all shocks, no not really… our old buddy, Andrew Walker - Hallmark)

I swear, I don’t know if Andrew Walker is on some mission from god, or being punished by him. I’m in the same boat, so I empathize. At least I’m not contracted. I can’t speak for him, but I remain happy for DHJ, that he’s escaped this purgatory, and is safe on the shore… at least, at present.

In any event, this one doesn’t seem like a "Winter official”, but there were jackets and no definite spring or fall standards (pastels or orange leaves), and it’s airing now, so here we are. It seems to be baseball season, so I know they mean for it to be spring, but they are wearing coat-coats, not it’s-still-kinda-chilly light jackets. I don’t fucking care, I watched it, so I’m reporting on it.

It ticks many boxes on the Winter Fanfic Bingo card (forthcoming), specifically the ones that are carryovers from Christmas and will be carried over to all the Hallmark/Lifetime movies regardless of time of year. Because being formulaic, when playing the long game, is cheap and efficient, and in the restaurant business, or products made on a factory line, or in healthcare standards, things of that ilk, you want streamlined coupled with the trieds-and-trues. In writing? Not-so-much. It’s lazy.

And speaking of restaurants, that’s the first box that got ticked - our leading lady owns a restaurant and, next box, it’s in danger of being lost. Other boxes include: our leading man is famous; he’s the character that comes back home, leaves/might leave, then changes mine/comes back, and it’s to stay!; adorable child who ideally will bring everyone together; a character’s parents are dead. Blah-blah. Blah-blah-blah. Blah-blaaaaah-blah-bleh. <—- that had more variety than this flick. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with this movie. It’s vanilla. It’s white bread. It’s mashed potatoes with no salt or a touch of sour cream mixed in, no loading with shredded sharp cheese and crumbled brown sugar-and-cracked-pepper bacon and the barest touch of chives. I’m hungry, shut up.

It doesn’t just get 1 star because it’s not bottom barrel - everyone’s competent in their acting, there’s nothing outlandishly stupid about the script, it’s not shellacked in Velveeta. I will say that they pull a little teensy, micro-twist with how they resolve his balancing a primo offer that in no way should he pass on career-wise fairly realistically. The very last scene is, of course, stupid and embarrassing.

2/5 stars

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The next movie has palm trees, so officially not Winter. But oof…. it’s got Kelly Rutherford and Cameron Mathison, both of whom are ringers. Hmmm. Yeah, I still ain’t subjecting myself to more than needed for this adventure. Oh, and they continue to play the basic-basic-BAAAAASIC-boring “Hope At Christmas” on Hallmark Movies and Mysteries", if you’re interested. It is a mystery to me as to why they continue to do so. Anyhow, there’s apparently 3 or 4 more brand spanking new offerings from Hallmark for the next several weeks.

More to come. I’ll reblog this with every new entry added to the top, so you can always just keep this post URL bookmarked if you think you missed it. Send an ask if you want to be tagged.

[sorikkung]

I don't mind, I just like talking to you anyways and this is a good excuse 🙃 first things first I'm in my mom's place, so I'm almost 100km away from where I live and I thought would be a good idea to open up Tinder and see if I could match with some interesting people now so basically I have two gossips about my midnight Tinder matches.

First one was with this really sweet guy that lives in my city. He's a hella sportist and even participates on jiu-jitsu championships. You know those quiet math guys that don't usually talk much but they are very talkative when it comes to his interests and this hard shell is only to protect a big warm heart? Is him. And the fact that it only took me a a couple of DAYS to get so close of him bothered and scared me a lot. Right now, we're in a video call and he keeps saying that I'm pretty and that he's falling in love with me and I can see, by the way he looks at me, that it trully might have something going on.

I don't know, I feel a little scared about it, not gonna lie, but I assume I'm intrigued as well as I want to try out and see where it goes but is all so unsure...

This second gossip is about some friends of mine from here. They used to date for a long time, I met them with already two years of relationship on their backs so, this year they would be like, 6 years together. As I said, I was at Tinder and I saw this profile with a picture I've seen before. I went to this friend Insta and the picture was there, same name, age, place, everything was the same. I was gagged but, anyway, brushed it off because it might be a fake profile or maybe they were seeking for someone to spicy up their relationship, I don't know, I was trying to create an excuse for why was him there that wasn't because he was cheating.

Obviously, I swiped right on him because, if he was really cheating, he would know I saw him and I knew what he was doing. But that left me really unsettled, so I went to Insta again. I checked both his and hers profiles and they weren't following each other anymore, all their cute photos with texts celebrating their birthdays were also gone... Was like they were never together. I even checked her TikTok videos and, apparently, she had returned to her parents house after a year living with him.

They had broke up and I heard about it from Tinder 🤡

To add up: he just text me today, while I was in call with this new guy and legit asked about a hook-up. Like a good slut, I said he could pass by with drinks and drugs and we would party and kiss like good friends do 🙃 so I guess this will have more scenes to come. And I hope I can kiss her as a friend too, they're both hot

this is so wild lmFAOooo mainly the second part but damn look at you go??? mfs fallin in love w you n shit??? goals???? i keep telling myself ill never stoop as low as to download tinder bc too many straight people but honestly all the lgbt focused dating apps be kinda dry i might as well 😭😭 doesnt help that i usually leave convos on read bc they bore me easily or just take too much effort... oof. but i digress. why are you so scared of where things are going w your tinder match? lmfao right now as in as you type this?? does he know youre gossiping abt him to a random australian online 😭😭

as for the second part at least theres no cheating, but if you kiss them separately when they seem to have broken up on bad enough terms to wipe it all i feel like thatd cause drama... but if youre not super close w them and just wanna shitstir, im not gonna deter you lmFAOoo live ur hoe life bestie. wish that were me (i say, with like 37 bitches in my dms i ghosted bc i ran out of things to say to them and they didnt interest me enough to ask to meet SDFGSDFKHSDFH)

[harryandmeghan0-blog]

A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding Is the Worst of All 42 Holiday Movies I've Watched This Year - Oprah Mag

New Post has been published on https://harryandmeghan.xyz/a-christmas-prince-the-royal-wedding-is-the-worst-of-all-42-holiday-movies-ive-watched-this-year-oprah-mag/

A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding Is the Worst of All 42 Holiday Movies I've Watched This Year - Oprah Mag

I have un-ironically watched—and mostly adored—every overtly cheesy Hallmark (and, okay, even Lifetime) holiday movie to date. Yes, even a A Shoe Addict’s Christmas.

So when I say that Netflix’s A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding offended every tinsel-filled fiber of my Santa-obsessed soul, I’m coming from the place of a girl who has an excessively high tolerance for holiday schmaltz and who ranks the original Christmas Prince high on her list of favorites.

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Netflix’s 2017 breakout hit was so popular, in fact, that 53 people watched the first A Christmas Prince when it was released every single day…for 18 days. And I understood their compulsion.

To the 53 people who’ve watched A Christmas Prince every day for the past 18 days: Who hurt you?

— Netflix US (@netflix) December 11, 2017

The film centered on Amber, (Rose McIver) an undercover journalist who flew to the magical land of Aldovia (it’s not a real country) to report on purported playboy Prince Richard (Ben Lamb) who was considering abdicating the throne after his father’s death. Amber pretends to be the tutor of his grumbly wheelchair-bound kid sister, Emily, to get the inside scoop. She ultimately wins over Emily (the unsung hero of the films), and then Richard follows. He becomes king. They get engaged. Happily ever after, of course.

Netflix

Well, the ever after comes in the sequel, The Royal Wedding. Here’s the gist for those who don’t have 93 minutes to spare and enjoy spoilers: After splitting time between countries, Amber returns to Aldovia with her dad (more on him later) to commence quickly planning (and executing) her wedding. Aldovia is mysteriously hemorrhaging money, leaving most of the townspeople all bah humbug because their wages have been diminished.

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Apparently, there’s no accountant in the entire country, so King Richard is on the case. Which, obviously, leaves him too distracted to spend time with his betrothed. He can’t even pick out a Christmas tree with Amber—the thing she’s “most excited for in the entire world”! Luckily, with a little computer hacking, whip-smart Emily discovers that the town’s embezzler is one of their own, and Christmas—as well as the royal wedding happening on Christmas—is saved.

Believe it or not, the ridiculous plot—which is to be expected of my beloved genre—is not even the problem. Here’s all the reasons why I was disappointed by A Royal Wedding.

Let’s start with the stereotypical portrayal of Rudy, Amber’s Brooklyn stooge of a dad.

When we first meet Rudy, the affable widowed diner owner who we assume put Amber through school one greasy burger at a time, he’s gruff, yet fatherly. In the sequel, however, Rudy was not only recast, but also given a lot more screen time. The new Rudy, portrayed by John Guerrasio, is a caricature of what someone who’s never been to the U.S. probably assumes all New Yorkers are like.

To be fair, as a New Yorker I can say that some of us are like Rudy (hey, Uncle Frankie!), but that doesn’t mean he needs to carry on like a “cafone,” as my Italian family would call his daffy, fish-out-of-water antics. Though, fine, it was pretty sweet when he brought the similarly stereotypical chef of questionable Eastern European descent a bouquet of flowers.

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But even more offensive was that Sahil guy.

Netflix

As an avid viewer of similar holiday films who recognizes that the lead actresses usually look like prettier versions of myself (read: non-minorities), my biggest gripe is never the unbelievable plotlines, but the lack of inclusion. So the fact that Royal Wedding‘s only attempt at diversity was Sahil, a clichéd gay Indian wedding designer who is just plain rude to our heroine, was definitely an issue. Come on, Netflix: we can do better.

And, Amber: Did it ever occur to you that maybe you should follow royal protocol?

I mean, do you think Meghan Markle ever complained when she had to shut down her personal blog, the Tig? Or, when she quit acting to play the biggest role of her career? Well, maybe. But still, I assume—despite rumors the media would have us believe—that Markle wasn’t whiny about giving up elements of her past life to become a duchess. Of course no woman, including fictitious Amber, should sacrifice her identity for marriage. Buuuuut, we are talking about marrying a King here, so maybe have some perspective?

Netflix

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Amber is hellbent on using her random dot com to break news about Aldovian suffering. When you’re a queen-to-be, perhaps you shouldn’t be investigative reporting at the local Aldovian watering hole. Sure, do as Princess Diana did and be “of” the people, but no need to be all Carrie Bradshaw about it.

Plus, are you really turning down the crown jewels?

Amber wanted to pay homage to her late mother by wearing her necklace on her wedding day. Nothing but respect for that, but isn’t there a compromise between shirking the royal tradition of wearing priceless baubles and keeping her mom’s photo close? Surely there’s an emerald locket lying around. And what’s a royal wedding without a tiara? Was that prop not in the production budget?

On that note, it’s your wedding. Maybe get a manicure?

We endured an entire mani-pedi party scene with Amber’s two besties who flew in for the affair, and yet Amber’s not even wearing polish down the aisle. Or was the entire point of that scene to show Amber painting her gay pal’s toes pink because the writers fancied themselves “woke” by showcasing a one-dimensional homosexual character?

Plus, the film missed an opportunity to make another parallel between Amber and Meghan Markle. Amber could have worn Essie’s Ballet Slippers—the Queen’s favorite shade that the duchess donned on her special day—which would have delighted royal family stans because we are here and we are paying attention.

I digress. A bride’s choice to shellac her nails is her prerogative. But to me, the lack of polish coupled with the underwhelming updo represented either a low production value or a lack of the same kind of attention to detail the first film had in spades.

The fatal flaw: We don’t see “His Royal Hotness” nearly enough.

Netflix

What’s the point of watching a rom-com if the two romantic leads are seldom featured together? Sure, it worked for Sleepless in Seattle, but Sleepless in Seattle this is not. Maybe there were scheduling issues, or perhaps it comes back down to the script being rubbish, but I signed up to watch these two beauties rekindle their Part One chemistry. Even the Prince’s sweet soliloquy in which he tries to win Amber back after her “I want to blog!” temper tantrum isn’t enough to redeem this movie. Because in the end, he can tell us all the reasons he loves Amber, but we need to see it in abundant hand-holding, snow fighting, and tree decorating.

Pardon all of this negativity. Netflix sets the bar high, and now I feel like I was let down by a trusted friend. Alas. At least we’ll always have The Princess Switch.

Source: https://www.oprahmag.com/entertainment/tv-movies/a25380646/a-christmas-prince-royal-wedding-review/