#the hopefully successful succulent story of Hortensia Vera

[arctic-hands]

[Image Described: a very tall and leafy aloe vera plant in a white plastic pot comprised of many identical faces. The potted plant is resting in a window sill, and the tippy top is fairly close to the top of the window inset. End I.D]

The succulent reddit has been unhelpful, does anyone know how big a pot my aloe needs? I don't have a ruler to measure the actual plant, but the pot is six inches in circumference and five and a half inches tall. She's getting rootbound and needs a bigger pot now, but I don't know how big I need to go. I know I'm supposed to err on the side of smaller, but I still don't know what's an adequate size for this two-year-old. 8 inch? Ten? Bigger?

[arctic-hands]

I hadn't watered Hortensia since I moved in June because at first I thought jostling her around with dry, somewhat solid soil would be less traumatic than being jostled with wet, soft soil, and then after we moved in we had a horrendous gnat problem and I didn't want them to breed in moist soil. They're mostly gone now, but it's been four months since her last water. But she's a succulent so like. She can survive drought stress.

The real trouble began when I was in the hospital for nine days and no one turned her grow light on daily while I was gone, then like the day after I get home the bulb dies and it was impossible to find a grow bulb at the right wattage for that lamp for cheap so thanks to capitalism breeding waste it was more effecient to just buy a new lamp, which finally came in late yesterday but by then I was too tired to assemble it. And even if it had been sunny lately (it hasn't) and we didn't have the blinds down for privacy, the window doesn't get much light to begin with. So she's been without light for like three and a half weeks now.

Meanwhile like most of her bottom leaves had drooped and bent irreparably, so after I set up the new lamp I had to shear off those leaves and cauterize with what little cinnamon I had on hand, and then water her for the first time in like three months.

Poor thing. When I cut off the bad leaves and set them aside, instead of barely oozing thick clear aloe vera goop they immediately began oozing thin yellow juice. No idea what that means, and I'm hesitant to go to the succulent reddit because if the general site's recent shittiness, but I'm pretty sure it's not a healthy sign. On top of that, the soil was so dried out and compact that it became hydrophobic and the water just sloshed around the top for a few minutes before finally being absorbed, so at the end of the process I had to go around what was left of the bottom leaves with a paper towel to absorb the droplets before they caused rot.

So like. Hortensia's survival is a bit dicey right now 😬 I've been saying after I killed Charlie Vera that if Hortensia dies I'm not getting a new one, but it's been two and a half years of Hortensia and I like having something green in the home, especially in winter time. So idk.

Anyway, the new lamp is super bright. Dunno if that's a great thing in general or in this specific circumstance. I extended it as tall as it would fit in the alcove, but Hortensia's middle leaves are still pretty tall and I'll prolly have to move the setup within the year if she survives. Dunno what I'll do if she gets light/sunburn, as that lamp isn't adjustable in brightness.

Also I'm amazed that baby aloe made it, tho it's barely grown recently. On that note, last time I put Hortensia under drought stress (early on, out of abundance of caution after over watering Charlie to the point of root rot), she spawned like five babies almost immediately so we'll see what happens next.

[Image Description: A decently tall aloe vera plant in a large plastic pot comprised of many neutral faces emerging out of the pot all around it. The aloe, along with the inner leaves standing straight up, has many leaves extending up and out towards the sides. The aloe is lacking leaves on the very bottom, and towards the back the stump of a leaf is visible. The leaves are a vibrant green, but noticeably paler where the leaves meet the center of the plant. In the front of the pot is a baby aloe with a few leaves about three inches high. The pot and aloe rests in a window alcove with the blinds drawn, with cloudy darkness visible between the slats. A table lamp with a flat, rectangular head of many small LEDs is curved over the plant, bathing it in bright light and washing everything else out. To the left in the alcove, a silver tabletop Christmas tree is halfway seen. End I.D.]

[arctic-hands]

I would understand a handmade clay or even a mass-produced terra cotta pot being more and more cost-prohibitive the larger it got, but why are even large molded plastic plant pots so ungodly expensive

[arctic-hands]

Ugh. Am getting a baby sibling plant for Hortensia when I have more monies (Lucky bamboo, most likely. Not a succulent but allegedly low maintenance and less likely to trigger allergies) and am looking up funky/creepy pots for one and the queer Texan who designed and 3D printed the Pot Of Many Faces that Charlie Vera lived and died in and now where Hortensia Vera has successfully grown for over two years now, has had their designed stolen by another Etsy shop from the U.K. selling and printing the design for cheaper. And I'm guessing the original creator knows this and has tried and failed to get Etsy to act because now their listing for the pot says "the original" on it, and Etsy won't let me report the shop since I'm not the one being plagiarized and I can't leave a review on the shop because I never bought from them.

Anyway, the original designer is PrinTerror (not sure if it's supposed to be parsed as Prin Terror or Print Error, it's one word) and not only do I adore the funky poly-face pot but when Charlie died of root rot I reached out and asked how to best sterilize the pot so Hortensia didn't die and they were super helpful. So like. If you like disembodied body parts as an aesthetic, go check them out

[arctic-hands]

Still annoyed at the time I went to the succulent reddit for help after Hortensia took a tumble and someone said "now you can replant in a proper pot!" And I'm like. Madam. You dare to mock the Pot Of Many Faces? Oh woe and pestilence be upon thee!

[arctic-hands]

Motherfuck I hate capitalism. Trying to find a new grow bulb for Hortensia's lamp and at this point it's less aggravating and much cheaper to just buy a whole new lamp

[arctic-hands]

No one turned on Hortensia's grow light while I was in the hospital (admittedly I forgot to ask) and today two days after I got discharged the bulb died and I'm not sure if I can afford a new one right now and delivery will take time anyway, PLUS I haven't watered her in a while because we've had a gnat problem that's only starting to clear up so like 😭😭

[arctic-hands]

Surprisingly have yet to be fucked up by it being pitch black by 5 p.m. Is it lamotrigine or is it having a succulent to take care of that's green all year round? You decide

[arctic-hands]

Anyone know where I can get a large-yet-cheap plant pot, ideally creepy themed? My aloe is getting too big for its pot, it's getting root-bound.

[arctic-hands]

Have I shared a pic of Hortensia Vera recently? Remind me to do that when my phone is fixed

[arctic-hands]

wait that motherfucker was inches away from my aloe vera it better not have been feasting on Hortensia!

O gods of nature please give me the stomach to tear off and preserve the wings of the spotted lanternfly you have so graciously provided by leaving a random dead one on my inner windowsill last night without my shuddering violently from the oogy bugphobia reflex and without retching oh please and thanks and amen 🙏

[arctic-hands]

I wonder how wise it is to place the burden of my sanity, happiness, optimism for the future, and general sense of hope on the successful upkeep and thriving of a plant

[arctic-hands]

I lifted up Hortensia's pot to check to see how much of the bottom was saturated after watering, and four teeny tiny roly poly-shaped motherfuckers scurried away off the drainage plate before I could get a decent photo 😠

[arctic-hands]

Hortensia's got a pup!

[Image Description: the base of a potted aloe vera, with a little shoot of green growing out of the soil a few centimeters away. End ID]

[arctic-hands]

Great, now the perlite in Hortensia's pot is growing algae and I don't know what to do about that

[arctic-hands]

Turns out plants actually grow if you water them

[Image Description: a decently sized aloe vera plant in front of a window and a grow light, in a white pot with many identical faces emerging from it. The plant is leaning towards the side, away from the light sources, and the shelf it is on has seashells on it. End ID]