#the guy said he's always handled his panic attacks by himself wtf

[noahtally-famous]

kinda (very) ironic that the two allegedly "normal guys" in the total drama franchise have some of the most concerning lore/personalities

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 27+28.11.20 lbs

27.11.20

lmao i was gonna get suuuuuuper mad at kabir for being in her room but then he’s like:

“hi.”

....................... and i instantly snorted happily. vishal is realllllllllly just so likable that i just can’t with him anymore. i love when adorable marshmallows like him and shrenu play evil. you just cannot fucking hate them!

blah blah humaara kamra, mera kamra nonsense.

shaadi ka joda gift. with that tackyyyyyyyyyyyyassss KABIR KI RIDDHIMA written on it. main marr jaooon par kabhi bhi aisa kuch na pehnoon, no matter how much i love the guy.

“kuch hi derr mein tum VANSH ki riddhima se, KABIR ki riddhima ho jaogi.” coz even in 2020, women are nothing but chattel to be passed on from one man to another.

riddhima is thinking fat chance, bitch.

telling him she’ll never wear red for him, coz “laal pyaar ka rang hota hai, aur main sirf ek insaan se pyaar karti hoon, aur woh hai vansh.”

“toh yeh bhi vansh ke paise se hi liya hai.” lmaooooooooo

ghani beizzati by saying she’s already bought a joda for herself, a white one. which honestly looks muchhhhhhhhhh nicer than the red one acc. to me but ok.

vansh checking his account balance and seeing that there’s charges for two wholeass designer jodas bought for a shaadi that’s not even gonna happen:

anyway kabir’s like ok who cares, colour doesn’t matter, shaadi toh tumhari honi hai mujhse blah blah.

kabir doesn’t like mandap setup. coz all white. and apparently aryan was in charge of it? coz he’s getting dragged by the collar for it.

good. i don’t feel any sympathy.

ishani is like dekh liya nateeeja iss loserrrrrrrr ki khushaamad karne ka? when has vansh ever treated you like this no matter how mad he’s gotten at you? he always protected you.

behen kyun bhains ke aage been bajaa rahi ho? yeh manhoos baaz nahi aana.

ishani flounced away and aryan’s now vowing revenge against kabir. abbe yaar, tera list toh kabhi khata hi nahi hota.

why the fuck are these ppl soooooooooo dressed up for a wedding they don’t even want to participate in? itna toh main apni genuine shaadi ke liye naa sajjjjjjoon.

suddenly ishani is allllll about bado ka sammaaan and parampara, pratishthaaaaa, anushaasan and all. lmao ok?????

tod di choodi uski kalaayi par. jaisa bhai, waisiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii hi behen.

shaadi mubarak indeed. lol.

riddhima’s calling vihaan and freakingout ki woh paise leke bhaag gaya. you are so fucking stupid sis, why would you give him that much fucking money BEFORE HE EVEN SHOWED THE FUCK UP??????????

“tum thodi weird nahi ho????” bhai obvious sawaal naa pooch.

anyway he’s like calm yo tits, untwist your panties, i’ll get there on time.

kabir instead of fixing his maatam waala mandap is back skulking around vihaan’s container box house. ladki ko shaadi karni bhi nahi hai and she’s sitting there ready from 3 hours before, aur yeh, jissko shaadi ki utaavli chadhi thi, is out doing randomassssss jasoosi, coz that’s the priority rn. sounds legit. 

VIHAAN THE DUMBASS TOOK OFF THE CCTV CAMERA AND PACKED IT. GOD YOU’RE ALLLLLLLLLLL FUCKING AQAL KE DUSHMAN IN THIS SHOW.

kabir sneaking in with gunnnnnnn.

how the fuck am i supposed to take him seriously with these bachchon waale sports shoes?!!?!?!? GIVE THE MAN HIS COMBAT BOOTS BACK SO HELP ME GODDDDDD

he’s peeking in the door and making some threatening statements about oh ho yeh hai tumhara plan, main sab khatammmmm kar doonga and all, but we never see wtf he’s looking at and this show is fulllllllllllll of red herrings, so........ idc.

riddhima putting on previous mangalsutra for this wedding and..... guts toh hai bandi main. badiii dheent hai.

mummy coming and saying blah blah usse utaar do this is your new mangalsutra and lmaoooooooooooooo

this is the tackiest fucking shit i’ve ever seen in my life. what’s with their obsession of putting their name on everything!?!!!?!!? what are you, an eight grader?!?!!?!?

anyway, bored with this ainvayi ki dhamki waala scene, fwding.

blah blah 2 ghante mein kaunsa chamatkaar hona hai and all......... WHY ARE YOU PPL SO DAMN OVERCONFIDENT????

meanwhile kabir is back and now harassing dadi. KISI KO TOH AKELA CHOD DE.  

actually, lmao, i’d love to see him go try this shit on ishani and angre. it would be fucking glooooooooooorious lololololol.

anyway, he wants dadi’s aashirwaad in the form of vansh’s saafa (pagdi/turban). ABBE YAAAAAAAAAAR. USKE UNDERWEAR DRAWER SE JAAKE USKI CHADDI BHI LEKE PEHEN. ITNAAAAAAAAA WANNABE VILLAIN MAINE AAJ TAK NAHI DEKHA. HADHHHHHHH HAI.

chikni chupdi baatein ki i’m just trying to be the son vansh was to this house. if i wear his saafa, it’s like uski aashirwaad aur duaein meri saath hongi.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PICTURE VANSH’S FACE IS LITERALLY LIKE

anyway dadi is like really really fucking hurt by this and my god i wanna fucking murder kabir.

she’s literally telling him to pick anything else, it’s vansh’s nishaani and he’s like aap sab ke paas koi na koi nishaani hai, mere paas apne bhai ki koiiiiiiiii nishaani nahi hai blah blah and oh my god, this is truly the most villainous thing kabir has done, being thisssssss fucking emotionally manipulative. the absolute fuckkkkkkkk.

ugh anyway long story short. baandh diya dadi ne ukso saafa. bloody nonsense.

poor dadi phoot phoot ki ro rahi hai ki she’s losing vansh bit by bit. awwwww man it’s genuinely heartbreaking.

riddhima has witnessed this and is about to fuckkkkkk shit up lolll. 

lmaoooooooooooo dayum.

wtf is your problem, i’m marrying you, why are you torturing the fam like this blah blah. kabir like physical, emotional, moral sabbbbbbbbbbb tarah se tod ke rakh doonga inn sabko and ugh god i just really fucking hate him.

but damn he just looks really good in this sherwani and hair all mussed up.

anyway he’s doing some real messed-up, genocidal dictator kinda talk and phew. is just askinggggggggg to be murdered.

and then lmao he abruptly switched to “bohut khoobsurat lag rahi ho tum; time kya ho raha hai???? ooooooh ek ghanta baaki hai.” and i legittttttt lol’d at the way he delivered it. I HATE VISHAL FOR NOT LETTING ME HATE KABIR IN PEACEEEEEEEEE.

riddhima panic-calling vihaan, wants to go check on him. mummy ne pakad liya, room mein badh kar diya coz K told her to handle riddhima’s bhagodi dulhan ways.

great. riddhima’s having a breakdown.

motivational call from the choti sarrdaarni. she kinda just looks like a tall baby shivangi joshi had with aditi dev sharma????

le, doosre show waale heroine ko bhi pata hai kabir kameena hai, iss show mein 3 episode pehle pata chala issko.

ok is the choti sarrdaarni delusional and having a make-believe phone call with the protagonist of her favt tv show IMMJ, coz she knows waaaaay more details than even the people in this house know about the plot and what went down. she’s talking about how vansh aakhri pal tak ladta raha and riddhima’s like huh, news to me, i just got there in time to see him spout some ghatiya shayari and then throw himself off a cliff.

anyway riddhima seems to have gotten strength from this deranged phone call, so............. good for her, i guess.

———————————————————————

28.11.20

next ep just abruptly started with kabir and mummy in riddhima’s room threatening her and i just.......... dude, whatever. i’m just gonna skim through this ep coz i know it’s just filler shit till literally the last 1 minute. 

OK HE’S MANHANDLING HER AGAIN AND FUCKKKKKKKKKKK

dang helly looked evennnnnnnn younger in the first eps. legit baby face. at least now they’ve aged her up a lil with the makeup and styling.

he’s saying don’t bother waiting, no one is gonna come. OH BOY. VIHAAN ARE YOU OK????? ARE YOU OK??????? ARE YOU OK VIHAAN?!?!?!?!?

cue riddhima’s panic attack.

lmao kabir telling mummy ki iss shaadi mein ab koi speedbreaker nahi hai lol. heavy foreshadowing that ab se everything that can go wrong is definitely gonna go wrong.

suddenly at the speed of light kabir is back at the container home in his sherwani and saafa and holding vihaan at gunpoint????

oh. sapna tha riddhima ka. ouff. this stupid show has tooooo fucking many dream sequences.

someone give this bitch a klonopin coz watching her is making my anxiety shoot up.

mummy comes into room 2 min later and sees riddhima sleeping ghoongattttt and all. SURE. NOT SUS AT ALL THAT A BRIDE DYING OF ANXIETY WOULD TAKE A NAP 30 MIN BEFORE THE CEREMONY IN FULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OUTFIT. TOTALLY A THING THAT HAPPENS.

DUDE SHE PULLED A NURSE WAALI HARKAT AGAIN. LMAOOOOOOOOO. KISKO SULAAAAAKE AAYI HAI TU, AAFAT?!?!?!!?

askdjasldkjlsakdjlaskjdlaskjdlaskjdlkas. ALSO THE FACT THAT MUMMY RECOGNIZED HER FROM HER PRESS ON NAILS. LMAOOOOOOOOOO I CAN’T EVEN WITH THIS SHOW.

LMAO RIDDHIMA YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR

lol mummy has to call and give bad news to kabir. and i am sad we didn’t get to see his volcanic reaction, which no doubt would have been epicccccccccccc.

10 MINUTES TO THE CEREMONY. VR MANSION IS 20 MIN AWAY FROM THE CONTAINER HOUSE (AS STATED BY V BEFORE) AND THIS SIS IS...........

RE DEVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

she finally got in and the whole place is empty. he practically lives in a storage unit, you telling me he went and moved his stuff to a whole different storage unit?????

new freakout within the pre-existing panic attack: kabir ne vihaan ko saaf kar diya ya vihaan paise leke bhaag gaya??

cut to fb: riddhima asking V all earnestly ki tum dhoka toh nahi doge na????

HIS ASS ACTUALLY SAID, LEMME TELL YOU A FACT ABOUT ME: I LOVE MY MOM. I SWEAR ON HER I WON’T BETRAY YOU. 

AND SHE STILL DIDN’T GET THAT HE’S VANSH. MY GODDDDDDDD.

she’s like nope vihaan gave mummy promise so he won’t give dhoka. ah yes, the most sacred and inviolable of promises.

toh bacha alternative ki kabir has vihaan. 4th simultaneous panic attack in a panic attack. someone sedate this bitch.

aaaaaaaaaand kabir has sent a video of a bomb in VR mansion below the mandap. great.

and now he’s calling to say ki get your ass back home or imma scramble these eggheads called the raisinghanias.

lmao the bomb is counting forwards instead of backwards????

mummy saying MY BETA SMAAAAAARTEST. haan, tha..... kisi zamaane mein. ab nihaayati bewakoof ho gaya hai.

lmao kabir accosted a passing by angre and is like you need to be loyal to me as you were to vansh and lol angre’s like saaf saaf shabdon mein, fuckkkkkkk off.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO KABIR WENT TO HURL THE NAARIYAL AT ANGRE’S RETREATING HEAD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MAN HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO HATE HIM HE’S SO FUCKING HILARIOUS

lmao he goes to phodofy naariyal and:

abhi bappa ko huullllllllll de raha hai. overconfidence ki hadh toh dekho.

riddhima is back and hunting for the bomb and kabir comes bouncing the fake bomb around and she’s legit like TUMNE MUJHSE JHOOOOOT BOLA?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!? lol bitch, seriously???? because he’s been the paragon of truth and virtue up until this moment??????

“apna hulia sudhaar ke aao. 5 min mein mrs. kabir banne waali ho. thoda standard toh match karo.” lmaooooo the sasss and disdaaaaaain he said that withhhhhh. boy knows he’s looking damn good today.

anyway blah blah shaadi has started. dadi is sad af. to the point where ishani is looking really concerned. i really love this soft ishani.

“kaash samay ka paiyya ulta ghoom jaaye aur mera vansh wapis aa jaaye mere paas.”

dadi, shoulda asked for world peace instead. just the one wish you had and you wasted it on getting your hellion pota back. 

some more in-room threatening of riddhima by mummy. while riddhima is throwing out last minute prayers to bappa and vihaan ki bas just do something and stop this whole shitshow.

vihaan ka toh pata nahi, the shady fuck, but bappa like:

i gotchu girl.

bhaari bhaari flashback waali walk down the stairs.

HE EVEN SAID THE MAA LINE AS VIHAAN IN THE VANSH VOICE. SHE GOTTA BE SOOOOO FUCKING STUPID MY GODDDDDDD.

ouffffff so much time wasteeeeeeeeeee.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand....................

watch that he was wearing while falling off the cliff? ✅✅✅

wedding ring that was not found on the dead body????? ✅✅✅

“YEH SHAADI NAHI HO SAKTI” booooooooming across the whole damn neighbourhood in the fakest deep voice everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr???? ✅✅✅

———————————————————————

precap:

haan yeh sab toh theek hai.............. 😕😕😕

par asli sexxxxxxxxx waali chemistry idhar hai!!!!!!!! UNFFFFFF. 🤩🤩🤩

[thoughtfullyyoungduck]

Meet me in the past part two

AN: yeah so this part two of the story, I hope you enjoy! I wasn’t exactly sure if there was a door leading the garage from Bill to his house, but in my story it sure is so. please let me what you think! 

Summary: After Stanley Uris takes his own life, his daughter goes to find the recipients of his letters and ends up in Derry. After and incounter with IT, she ends up traveling back into the past, meeting the younger version of her dad and his friends.

warnings: cursing that’s it I think 

tagging; @artlovingbre​ @cocastyle​

‘Shit do you think Bowers got to her?’

A hand was touching her forehead, softly moving her head back and forth. Emily jumped up, slapping the hand away. She had to shut her eyes at the blinding light that seemed to burn her eyes away. It took a few seconds before everything came back to her, about her dad, the losers club and the Jade oriental. Her eyes snapped open once more at the thought of the restaurant. Her eyes made eye contact with a boy, most likely her own age, who was looking like a deer in headlights. Emily looked around, but she wasn’t in the restaurant anymore.

Instead she was in some sort of back alley. It looked disgusting, there was trash on the ground all around her, and she was pretty sure she was sitting on what used to be a cradle of beer. It sure as hell smelled like it. ‘Where am I’? Emily asked, her voice sounding gravely, most likely because she just woke up.

She turned back toward the boy, finally noticing that there were more people than just the two of them. Behind the boy there were 5 other boys, and one girl. Emily blinked in shock once she focused on one boy in particular. The curly haired boy did not seem like he wanted to be here at all, he had a scowl on his face and he was trying his best to put distance between him and herself. He was wearing a Kippah, and dressed a lot more fancy than the other boys, and girl did, he dressed like an adult man in a kids body. He also looked an insane amount of Stan. Emily frowned as she kept staring, the resemblance between the boy and her father were remarkable. The boy in turn opted to glare at her.

‘Can we go now, she woke up and who knows how she got here anyway?’ Emily was wondering the same thing. The last thing she remembered was falling in the restaurant, and although she didn’t know the adults all that well, she had never suspected that they would just leave her on the street.

‘Who are you guys’? Emily asked choosing to ignore the Stan look alike.

‘I’m B-b-bill, the first boy told her. She took notice of his stutter immediately, but he looked embarrassed so she didn’t comment on it. She knew what it felt like to have people judging you for something you couldn’t help. ‘Wait, did you just say Bill?’ Emily frowned at him, and at her question, his eyebrows rose up.

‘Y-y-Yeah, why?’ Bill asked, sounding confused. Emily tore her eyes away from him staring at the others. She didn’t understand what the hell was going on. ‘My names is Beverly’, the redhead introduced herself, ‘but you can call me Bev’, both Beverly and Emily said at the same time. ‘Wtf new girl’, another boy, one with magnifying classes spoke up. ‘The names Richie, but the ladies call me Trashmouth, want to find out why?’ He asked with a smirk.

‘Beep beep Richie’, another boy bristled. ‘You think you’re so funny huh, dickwad? As if any girl would be into you and your Trashmouth,’ he spoke bitterly. Richie continued unfazed. ‘Don’t worry Eddie Spaghetti, you know your mom is still the only one for me’.

Eddie, Richie, Bill and Beverly. Emily started to feel lightheaded, the panic spreading like a wildfire. Eddie and Richie were still bickering, but Bill and Beverly were looking at her questionably.

‘I’m Ben’, a boy shyly spoke up, while shuffling back and forth on his feet. It was clear that the boy was self-conscious and didn’t have a lot of confidence, but Emily thought he looked quite nice. ‘Ben’, she repeated. He nodded his head timidly, while looking down at his shoes, unable to make eye contact with her.

If their names were all the same as the adults in the restaurant, then, ‘Mike’, a boy with a white overall spoke, confirming her suspicions. Emily’s breathing picked up, all of these kids looked eerily similar to the losers club she had met only 3 hours ago . At least, she thought it was three hours ago, she wasn’t sure what day it was, and how long she had been laying in that back alley. If all of them were the people her dad wrote these letters too, than her dad- lookalike, should be called Stan as well.

Her fist clenched together tightly, she was sure she was absolutely losing her mind. There was no way that these kids were the same people she had met as adults. Still, she couldn’t help the way her eyes hopefully looked into the last boy’s eyes, the only one who hadn’t introduced himself yet. He was looking at her too, and Emily felt the shared looks turning into a staring match. She felt the hostile demeanor aimed towards her, and she wondered what she had even done to deserve that behavior.

‘Stan’? She asked softly, while her voice shook. The boy broke eye contact at that, a surprised look crossing over his face before covering it up and putting on a blank face. He nodded solemnly, but instead of making eye contact, this time he stepped another step back.

‘How did you know that? Are you a friend of Bowers?’ Stan asked her, but Emily was too busy to focus on not crying to comprehend his question. This had to have something to do with what happened in the Jade Oriental.

 This IT that Bill had been talking about. She thought back about the fortune cookie attacking her, about her falling flat on her back and passing out. Bill had talked about this IT transforming into the things you feared most, and maybe that was what was happening right now. Could IT transfer into humans? It sure seemed like it.

She just had to think about this logically. That’s what she always did; best case scenario, this was just a dream. Emily pinched herself but it did nothing except sting, not a dream then. The other option was that this was IT, and he was trying to trick her for whatever reason that may be. She didn’t allow herself to dwell on the third explanation, which was that she was send into the past. She wasn’t sure she could handle being in the vast proximity of her dad.

Back to option two, this was this IT. Would it help if she pretended that she wasn’t on to what IT was doing? It certainly wouldn’t hurt to try. She smiled, a wobbly, tired smile that seemed more like a grimace. ‘I have no idea, who this Bowers guy is’. She told Stan, standing up for the first time since she woke up. She stumbled forward, but Richie and Bill held her back. ‘E-e-easy, you m-m-must have t-t-aken a nasty f-f-fall.’

It wasn’t, but she didn’t know what other excuse she was supposed to come up with. She turned her smile to Bill, nodding her head, but stopping once she realized she was only worsening her headache. ‘Yeah, I fell while I was trying to chase my dog’. She told him. Emily had always had an excellent poker face, and she hoped it wasn’t failing her now.

The losers seemed convinced, even though Stan was still sharply watching her. ‘Did you find him’? Richie asked, adjusting his glasses to stabilize them. Emily shook her head, trying to seem sad as she told them that the dog had been too fast for her. It wasn’t hard to be sad as she thought about all the things that had happened in the last couple of days.

‘I hope you find him’, Ben said hopefully, flashing his big smile as Emily looked at him. ‘I’ve never seen you around here, are you new?’ Stan asked, sounding too laid back to have it come across convincing. Emily’s breath stocked, it was the same type of voice her dad would use against her as her tried to figure out if she was lying about something.

Emily didn’t trust her voice, so instead she nodded. She hadn’t even interpreted the question, but she was too afraid to.

‘So where do you live’? Eddie asked, while trying to pry Richie’s hands of his arm, the scowl on his face wavering as his smile threatened to break through.

Emily hadn’t thought of that, at all. She didn’t what she was supposed to answer. If this really was IT, why hadn’t he done anything yet? Besides, it was shocking to see her father this young, but it wasn’t exactly scary. Not like the thing attacking her had been.

‘I, I don’t have a house yet’, she said, ‘I came early, my parents still had some business to take care of at home’. She gulped, it was a bad excuse and she knew it. Still though, it was hard I come up with answers on the spot, especially since she wasn’t sure what was happening.  

‘Oh, so where will you be staying?’ Richie inquired. Emily looked around hopeless. She had no idea.

‘W-w-ere h-h-having a s-s-sleepover, I-if you w-w-wanna come?’ Bill questioned, and Emily felt a surge of gratitude towards him. ‘Yeah, that would be great’.

Richie hooted, to which Eddie shut him a look as if to say that he should stop it.

‘B-b-ev is r-r-riding white m-m-e, but y-y-you can r-r-ride w-w-ith Stan.’ Bill said. Stan’s head turned so quickly it almost sounded like his neck broke. He mustered the most angry look at Bill, turning his glare towards Emily, before huffing, turning around and leaving his bike there, as he walked down the street. It was still for a couple of seconds, nobody daring to move an inch. Richie was the first one that spoke up. ‘I’ll go after him’, he sighed as he too turned and walked after Stan. It was becoming quite obvious that Richie and Stan cared about each other.

Emily felt like crying all over again. She had never been on the receiving end of that look from her dad. He rarely even got that angry, only when the neighbor would once again ride his car into the mailbox after a night of partying, and if one of his customers called him to complain when he was at home. It may not have even been her dad, but it still hurt.

She just wanted to go home, to her mom, so she could be mad at her father in peace. ‘He’s just worried about us, bowers has been really vicious lately’, Bev explained.  

‘Who’s bowers?’ Emily shrugged helplessly, her dad hadn’t said much about his childhood.

Ben looked down, his hand grazing his shirt near the underside of his belly, hissing once his hand made contact with something. ‘A bully’, Eddie answered.

‘Well, I don’t know him at all, so don’t worry. I have no plans in bullying you guys.  I mean I don’t even have friends’, Emily mumbled bashfully. It wasn’t exactly true, she did have a best friend, but she didn’t really think that counted.

The group smiled. ‘W-w-well you d-d-do now’, bill smiled.

‘Welcome to the losers club, new chick’. Richie beloved as him and Stan approached the group again. Stan still looked reluctant, but he didn’t seem as mad anymore.

‘Oh right, My names is Emily’ she flushed.

‘Hey Emily’. Mike had the kindest smile on his face as he said this, and he already turned towards his bike, getting on it. ‘You can ride with me if you want?’

Stan sighed, ‘or with me, you can also ride with me’. He said looking apprehensive, still though, he offered, and that made Emily more happy then she would have liked.

Nevertheless, she turned around towards mike, ‘thank you, but it’s fine. I’ll just ride with Mike’. Stan nodded, quickly getting his bike as well, and with Bill the leading, the group got on their way.

 ------------------------------------------------------------------

Stan rolled his eyes for what felt like the thousandth time. Even though it was starting to get a bit annoying, Emily couldn’t help but giggle at the way Richie and Eddie were still bickering. It was endearing to see. She had been at Bill’s house for about 3 hours now, and it was becoming clear that these people really got along well with Stan, and were very close with one another. They were accepting and kind, and they made Emily feel right at home in their group. Richie could be a bit much at times , and Eddie freaked her out a bit with his rants about how she shouldn’t sit on a dirty floor, do you know how much bacteria were on there? Still, they were a fun group, each with their own personalities, qualities and opinions of their own.

Currently they were playing 20 questions, as they said they wanted to get to know Emily better. She had, of course agreed, but it was only after answering several questions that she had the insight to lie a bit. She didn’t want IT to know too much about her, and even if this was really her dad, she couldn’t make it weird by telling him all the stuff his daughter would like to do in the future. They had the usual questions like what are your hobbies (Theater and reading), what do you want do when you grow up (teacher), what was the name of your dog?  

Though everyone was nice, Stan still seemed very uncomfortable with her being there. It hurt. She had always been close with her dad. They would hang out every Sunday, whether it was making a puzzle or going to a theatre, it was their hang out day. Even if they had a fight, which happened from time to time, they would never go to bed without making up. He always listened respectfully to her opinions, even if it didn’t really make sense. He was just a great father in general, and a respectful man.

 Emily could definitely see that in younger Stan, but it seemed as if this Stan had trouble hiding his distrust towards everything. She could see how happy and open he was with his friends, but he wasn’t at all like that with her. With her, he was stiff as a board, watching her like a hawk would watch its prey, as if waiting until she made a mishap.

It was better than when she had woken up too though, as he would sometimes give her reserved smile. The smiles were obviously fake, but Emily still appreciated the effort. He asked her about where she came from. Emily wanted to say Atlanta, but she didn’t want to give too much away, so she told the group that she came from Brooklyn. Stan then had asked about her parents, and it was clear he was trying to figure out what her intentions were. Bill had given him a warning look and Stan had backed off, but Emily had felt very faint in that moment.

‘you aren’t very loud, are you new girl’? Richie asked her. It was true. Her mother had once joked that Emily had the quietness of her father, only without his weird sense of humor. Emily was quite, and could really enjoy jokes crude or not, but she could never come up with jokes herself. She shrugged towards Richie, proving his point more with a smirk, and Richie laughed with her. Her attention was once again drawn towards Bill, who was fidgeting on the floor where he was seated. He had been doing that for the past hour. As Emily and Bill made eye contact, he smiled and stood up, brushing his pants as he did so. ‘I’m just going to grab some more drinks’, he said as he walked out of the room.

‘I’m sorry’, Stan mumbled suddenly from beside Emily. She turned her body towards Stan, indicating to him that she was listening. ‘I shouldn’t have been so rude to you’, he finished. She smiled, feeling a little lighter at his words, he was starting to remind her more and more of her dad. ‘It’s okay, I guess I was kind of strange’, Emily said.

Stan smiled back at her, and this time, it was genuine. He still didn’t look like her trusted her completely, but it was clear he had taken, at least a slight, liking toward her. Before anything else could be said, the door of Bill’s room was thrown open again. Bill was heaving slightly. He was holding what seemed to be a map clenched in his fist. ‘I g-g-got it’, he said while looking around the room. As he looked at Emily his eyes widened, as if he had forgotten that she was there.

Eddie seemed to jump in to help him. ‘hey Emily, do you think you could clean up the kitchen? It’s a weird tradition we have, to clean up the kitchen yeah. So because your new you should do it. Do you know how many bacteria’s there are in a kitchen. My mom said she had a friend that died because some of the bacteria’s of her kitchen table got into her soup and-‘

‘Okay, Eddie thanks for that detailed story,’ Stan said, cutting off Eddie’s rant successfully. ‘I’m sure she gets the gist by now’.

Emily frowned, it was a weird story, but she wasn’t exactly going to question it. Especially not because her story was also suspicious, and they didn’t push her about it too much. She nodded, already begin to stand up. ‘yeah of course, where will you guys be’? She asked turning around at the door to face the group.

‘The garage, we’re going to look through some of Bill’s old stuff’. Beverly answered. All of the losers gave her a tight smile before getting up themselves

Emily accepted this answer and started her way to the kitchen, Bill had showed her around when she had first gotten here. She heard the others go to the garage, and she felt the need to follow them. It was obvious that they were hiding something.  If there was anything that described Emily well, it was that she was very curious. Still, she showed the respect her parents had taught her, and she stayed in the kitchen. It didn’t look like the kitchen needed any cleaning to her, as they had only been into the kitchen to grab some drinks and chips, but she still searched the cabinets to find a washcloth.

Normally, she wouldn’t check someone’s cabinets either, but Bill hadn’t told her were any of the stuff was to clean, so she had to figure it out herself. She held the washcloth under cold water and added a cleaning soap before beginning to wipe it across every surface of the kitchen. This wasn’t usually her chore. This was what her mom did. Emily herself always did the dishes while her mom cleaned the kitchen, and her dad would put everything away that Emily had just dried.

 It was a weird thought to have, a random one, but for some reason she wished there were dished she could do. Just to get into a familiar setting. Just as this thought had she heard screaming coming from the garage.

She dropped the washcloth and ran towards the door she had seen the losers disappears through. The door was locked, she couldn’t  get it open. It freaked her out and for a second she did nothing but stare at the door. Emily suddenly had a flashback to seeing her mom standing at the bathroom door, screaming her father’s name but getting no answer. The screaming still continued. It tore her from her flashback as she once again tried to open the door. As soon as she did, the screaming stopped.

Emily banged her fist against the door. ‘Guys, guys are you okay’? She screamed, her mind instantly thinking of all the bad possibilities that could have happened. A loud crash stopped her from trying to open the door once more. The sounds were coming from the living room, but Emily was too scared to go and see. Another crash caused her to take two steps forward, peering her head around the door that lead into the living room. She couldn’t see anything from where she was standing, so reluctantly, she let go of the doorknob she was still holding. She took another step forward until she was fully in the door opening.

There was a vase laying broken into the middle of the room, but besides that, Emily couldn’t see anything. She walked towards the vase and bowed down, already picking up several pieces. She felt a looming presence behind her suddenly, and in her hurry to get up she felt forward into the sharp pieces of the vase. She held her hands out, and felt the pieces piercing her skin. She hissed instantly jumping up, taking a look at her hand who had instantly started bleeding. A gloved hand landed on her shoulder, causing her breath to stock. The glove was white, and the hand that was in it was gripping so tight was starting to hurt.

 Slowly Emily turned around, the blood draining from her face, her mount opening as if to scream, but no sound came out. Before her stood a clown. That was the best way to describe him, though right away you could tell that he wasn’t just a clown. His mount opened so wide that Emily could see the rows of teeth inside of it. He looked like he was going to kill her. However, when he reached his other hand towards her neck, he himself stopped. His mount closed again slightly, and turned his face so that Emily could see his eyes. They were yellow.

He tilted his head, and got his face closer to her. Emily could see from the corner of her eyes that there was a poke form a fireplace, right within her reach. She could reach out and use the poke as a weapon to defend herself. As she tried to though, she felt her hands shake so much, she had never felt so scared before, and she knew she would never have the courage to fight this thing.

The clown seemed to smell her, drawing his head back as fast as he did. It seemed confused. With a gasp, Emily realized that this was the IT that Bill had told her about. A smirk spread across IT’s face. It wasn’t nearly as playful as the smirk Richie god when he tried to annoy someone. No, this smirk was pure evil. ‘Uris, huh?’ The clown giggled, and finally Emily found her voice.  She screamed as loud as she could. The door leading up to the garage began to pounce, this time from the other side. She could hear her name being called, but she was too busy screaming to truly notice it. How did this thing know that? She only looked away from the clowns eyes when she heard gasps. The losers club was now standing in the living room, right in front of both Emily and the clown.

Mike sprinted forward, grabbing the poke Emily had been too afraid to reach for. Before he could swing it towards IT, he drew back, letting go of Emily. The clown kept smirking, walking backwards, not saying a word anymore. Only when he disappeared did Emily collapse onto Mike.

 Stan and Eddie ran forward towards her aswell. Richie, Bill and Ben ran out of the room to see where IT had gone off too, but ultimately didn’t see anything as they returned empty handed. Emily started sobbing , the pure fear draining her of any inhibitions both mentally and physically. Mike had tried to attack IT, which meant that there was no doubt about it anymore, Emily really was send to the past. Stan, who was sitting in her right side grabbed her arm to look at the wounds the shard of glass had left.

He was careful not to touch any of the blood. Emily knew that this was because he didn’t like any of his stuff dirty, but she didn’t think about that as she hurled herself towards him, gripping him tightly. Stan went rigid, but she didn’t let him go. This was her dad, even if he didn’t know it.

 She was so mad at him for leaving her, so furious, but right now he was here. Even if he wasn’t the dad she knew, he was still her dad. He still smelled like vanilla and safety, or maybe he had always smelled that way. Whatever it was, Emily didn’t want to let go of him, she had missed him so much. She heard Richie chuckle awkwardly behind her. ‘Okay, Emily, let doctor K look at the wounds’.

‘Shut the fuck up asshat’, Eddie spewed out, but he did pulled Emily’s arm towards him, taking a look at the hand himself. Emily pulled away from Stan, the tears flowing freely. She turned her body towards Eddie, and settled back against the wall once more. Eddie started pulling out pieces of shards and she cringed, but didn’t pull her hand away.

Though Stan still sat uncomfortable, and shuffled back a little further away from her, he didn’t get up and leave, he stayed by her side, even if he was undoubtedly dying inside at the blood on his shirt. It made Emily’s tears slow, at least her father still cared, young or not.

As Eddie did his best to fix her up, there was only one thing on her mind. What the hell is she supposed to do now?

[firebirdsdaughter]

Okay…

@briansastro10​

… I think we have a bit of a language barrier here, or something, and I’m afraid I don’t quite follow. If you don’t mind bearing w/ me, I get confused easily, but I do have things I want to say:

1) Horobi had no choice but to follow the Ark. He was hacked, aka mind controlled and brainwashed. He wasn’t ‘choosing’ to do any of that stuff, he was merely being used as a tool.

2) I don’t recall Horobi ever finding out Aruto was even at Daybreak, let alone lost family in it.

3) The thing I was criticising was the show’s decision to include a flashback of Soreo’s death in that sequence, bc it implies that the show and therefore the audience consider/should consider Horobi responsible for Soreo’s death, when not too long ago, they had Aruto shouting at Gai that he was the true cause of the Ark, and, again, the above brainwashing. Horobi was literally not in control of his own actions anymore than a MaGear at that point, it’s not right to let Jin, Naki, and even Raiden off the hook for the stuff they did under the Ark/Gai’s command and then blame Horobi for what he did. Jin was distributing ZetsumeRisers, Raiden was a spy, and Naki was manipulating everything and giving out RaidRisers, all by an external command, bc of manipulation (in the case of Jin and Naki) or hacking (in Raiden’s case). It’s really not right to recognise Yua’s, a full matured human adult who exhibited reasoning and at least reasonable emotional control and knowledge of morality, situation, to excuse her as having been manipulated and mistreated into doing the things she did, whilst blaming Horobi. Including Soreo’s death in that flashback implies that it should be considered equitable w/ Izu’s death, which it was not. Horobi did not kill Soreo, or even cause his death. For one thing, the explosion was caused by people trying to kill the Ark (another Soreo?) and, again, Horobi was brainwashed and not in control of his actions.

4) I will also repeat this as many times as necessary: Horobi was conditioned and used by the Ark. Again, to bring up Yua; she very nearly killed Izu in cold blood on Gai’s orders while Izu was panicked and confused and trying to run away. The only reason that did not happen was that Gai said the wrong thing and Fuwa snapped out of it in time. Here, Izu was completely calm, had plenty of time to dodge, clearly saw the threat, and did nothing. I bring this up bc both Horobi and Yua were in abusive, manipulative situations where they were controlled by someone else—the difference being, Yua was, again, a fully fledged human adult w/ a developed sense of right and wrong, enough that she knew what she was doing was wrong, but her situation had convinced her she had no choice. She was unwell and not in a good place. But she knew. Horobi literally couldn’t. On top of that, he was exposed solely to the Ark’s selective data (courtesy, Amatsu Gai), for years. Like he said in the AIMS basement, his understanding was that the Ark would always rise as long as human malice existed—and he didn’t turn on the Ark bc he suddenly realised humans were ‘good,’ but bc the Ark turned on HumaGear (and tried to make him kill Jin), and he realised what he wanted was peace and safety for HumaGear. But even after breaking free of the Ark, the conditioning and that belief still lasts. To him, seeking human destruction was merely the logical conclusion in order to ensure the safety of HumaGear. Humans teach HumaGear evil and give rise to the Ark, which is a danger to HumaGear, and caused him to do things that hurt HumaGear, the way his mind has been conditioned to work, the logical conclusion is to cut the knot and remove the ‘source,’ humans. It’s not a personal grudge, it’s being logical. That’s his thought process—and, honestly, he’s got a point, the Ark was created by humans, and they’ve never owned up to it, the guy responsible is walking around free, and a number of HumaGear died and suffered for it. It’s unclear when exactly the emotions start catching up to him—he was def managing to hold on to the logic, I like to think by focusing on the fact that he thought this would be best for Jin (he knew Jin was important to him, even if he didn’t know why, and he took the time to take care of him before going out). He’s very calm when talking to Izu and shows no aggression toward her, it’s not until Fuwa and Yua show up guns drawn that he reacts violently—bc he perceives a threat, sees their aggression, which counteracts Izu’s claims about the goodness of humans. All he sees is humans looking to destroy. But despite that, he still goes and asks Fuwa about proving the Ark will not rise again, and that’s another important thing; Horobi is looking for an absolute. He is looking for an absolute assurance that the Ark will not come back, that human cruelty will never be a danger again, and that’s not possible. Fuwa’s response, although it can be translated as a believable blunder on Fuwa’s part, does nothing but make the situation worse, bc he violently rejects Horobi’s question and says he’s there to destroy him and then prepares to shoot him. To Horobi, who got tortured the last time he asked a question, that’s enough. And right on the heels of that, Izu comes in and starts pressuring him about emotions. He’s stated to have been literally terrified of these sensations taking over him, and the Ark trained him react to that kind of thing w/ violence—bc he can’t attack the feelings inside himself, he system concludes Izu must be the source and fires on her… Only that doesn’t work, the sensations actually get worse. His increasing aggressiveness in insisting he doesn’t have a heart after that is basically a little kid getting more and more insistent that they didn’t steal a cookie when they did. He was conditioned to think removing Izu would remove the feelings, but instead that made it worse, harder to control, that frightens him even more, bc he doesn’t know what’s happening, he doesn’t know what those feelings are. He falls back on old answers to Jin’s questions bc he doesn’t know the answer (but we can’t let the son know that, father’s always have to have an answer). Meanwhile, he doesn’t understand why Aruto’s the Ark. Like, he def expected humans to resist, why wouldn’t they, I don’t think he’d’ve been surprised by Aruto being mad, Aruto’s been mad at him before for people he knew less. I think it was Aruto going as far as using the Ark’s power (also, I think the Ark still terrified him) that threw him for a loop and pissed him off (something he might’ve understood? But it had def never controlled him like that before). Additionally, I don’t think he could have conceived to seek revenge on his own—when Jin died, he was clearly overwhelmed and very dazed. It took Azu showing up and telling him how he felt for him to react. A friend put it really well, so I’ll paraphrase: Azu’s role for Aruto was ‘you are absolutely right to want revenge on Horobi!’ while her role for Horobi was ‘hey, hey, you want revenge on Aruto, right?’ Aruto jumped at the chance while Horobi didn’t know what to do, and ended up following the first lead he had—which was literally how the Ark kept him so easy to manipulate. I still don’t see the Aruto side of it (well… it’s complicated), but if you go back and look, I think you can def see how the Ark was conditioning Horobi as a patsy for this from the start.

4) Bc I refuse to ever let this go unsaid when discussing it, Horobi was not the only person responsible for the Izu situation. If I were to list the people I hold responsible, in order, it’d be: Amatsu, for creating the Ark in the first place. The Ark/Azu, clearly the AI w/ the most know-how, who very deliberately manipulated the whole situation, was well aware of what Horobi’s mental state would be like, and manipulated both Jin and Izu into being stupid. Fuwa and Yua for escalating things, esp bc Fuwa’s character development was allegedly about learning not to rush in swinging and literally the next episode Yua is giving a speech to Williamson about how they shouldn’t respond to the HumaGear’s ‘new hearts’ w/ aggression, like she didn’t do that exact thing, like, yesterday, wtf. Aruto, for hanging around outside instead of doing what one might expect from someone who wanted to resolve stuff peacefully and going to the root of the situation, and for not keeping an eye on Izu (I have other opinions about his behaviour there, but those are for another time), and for apparently not even bothering to try and give Izu a backup. And, finally, Horobi and Izu. Yes, I hold Horobi the least ‘responsible’ and I hold Izu responsible. Bc, and I do not mean this as an insult to any of the characters, it’s like taking a dog that was abused and used in dog fights and leaving it alone w/ a domesticated dog it doesn’t know. More than likely, if the domesticated dog starts trying to play like it’s used to playing the abused dog is going to react aggressively, possibly even bite. Neither Horobi nor Izu had the emotional maturity to handle that situation. He had been conditioned to fear and reject emotion, had been kept away from it, and therefore had no control over it, nor knew what it was—to him, it felt like some unidentifiable ‘sensation’ wrenching control away from him, clouding his mind; additionally, he’d just had his one attempt to reach out and understand violently shut down, and he’d been conditioned for years to respond to uncertainty and confusion by destroying the source—when Izu was prodding at him about feelings and ‘hearts,’ she pushed his already fragile state into full panic that he lacked the emotional maturity to handle, and he reacted the only way he knew how. W/ Izu, if she had just told Aruto, or anyone, anything about where she was going, tried to coordinate rather than just running off like that, if she hadn’t rushed him and repeatedly pressured and prodded him, if she had dodged, then things would have gone differently—but, ultimately, her data was just as biased as Horobi was, and she had absolutely no way to understand or work through what was going on for him. Horobi didn’t seek out Izu and kill her in cold blood, she approached him, and made a conscious choice not to dodge. If we want to get really deep, I also blame Korenosuke bc Izu not having a backup is stupid, it protected literally nothing, if they had actually tried to back her up and there was a reason why they couldn’t, I’d be less judgemental, but wtf the Zero-One equipment got hijacked up the wazoo and it’s very uncomfortable that Izu was just cool w/ that bc it ‘benefited humans’ and it made Aruto look kinda hypocritical… But that’s more the writers. But, to try and sum this up… I do give Horobi some responsibility, bc he yeah, he did pull the trigger, but the fact was, he didn’t understand what he was doing (also likely didn’t know Izu had no backup, it probably never occurred to him humans would do that), or why. Essentially, he was still being used as a weapon by the Ark, who manipulated the whole thing bu showing Izu that vision, making her rush in and not tell anyone, then the humans abandon their reasoning for an day and go in all aggressive, Horobi sees this as a threat, but even then still tries to reach out only to get shot down (literally), and then Izu comes in and stresses him out further and he cracks. And she chooses to stand there and take the hit. Gai knowingly shutdown multitudes of HumaGear w/ the intention of them never coming back online, Yua nearly killed Izu before, actively hunting her down, Fuwa, I love him dearly, but Fuwa was down to smash every single robot he saw no matter what they said. These were human adults w/ knowledge of morality and emotional maturity and control (okay, Fuwa’s a little debatable…). All of them, esp Gai, are walking around just fine. Like. Gai. Gai. Aruto goes Ark on Horobi for this but is letting Gai walk???? I don’t even like Aruto, and that’s ooc! But to try and sum up my sum up: Horobi was the gun Azu shot Izu w/. It was a gambit. She deliberately manipulated them all into a situation where this would happen. Yes, Horobi pulled the trigger, but if this were court, a plea of insanity could be made/he’d be being sent to a psychiatric ward rather than regular prison.

5) Horobi blaming himself is one thing. It was very clearly depicted before that he had no sense of free will for himself, he only knew the Ark’s will. It is absolutely natural that after being so deep under the Ark’s control for so long, he’d have immense trouble differentiating between his own, new will, and the Ark’s. He might not be able to tell what he wanted or what the Ark wanted. He genuinely does not know how to make that distinction. He also has literally only just kind of gotten a grasp on consequences and cause and effect. I’d love to think he’ll be allowed to figure out he was manipulated by the Ark and that things like that weren’t things he wanted to do, but I dunno if the show will give me that. What I’m criticising is the apparent intent of saying that the audience should blame him for those things. What I want is confirmation that Aruto knows that the situation was manipulated, that Horobi wasn’t ‘in control’ when that happened. I wanted Aruto to respond to Horobi blaming himself for Izu and Jin’s deaths w/ ‘it’s more complicated than that.’ Horobi blaming himself is understandable, bc he’s barely figured out cause and effect, regret, anger, that shooting things is not an appropriate way to handle a situation. He’s only just gotten a few emotions. Nuance is going to be lost on him for a bit. He’s been trapped seeing only in black and white for so long, he’s going to need help seeing grey. Horobi blaming himself makes sense. I’m just criticising that the humans, who should know that it wasn’t as simple as that, didn’t let him know tha t he didn’t need to shoulder all the blame. Bc he was just a single part of a whole chain of events, not the sole cause. And I’m criticising that the show seemed to be implying that he also had a responsibility for Soreo’s death, which was a completely different situation that he def was not responsible for.

This is likely way more than you were expecting, and I do talk a lot, I know. I just wanted to try and establish my reasoning here. I hope I wasn’t too incomprehensible, I have trouble articulating my thoughts outside of fictional writing. I think I’ve just been keeping a lot of this in.

I should say that if you are bothered by my stance on this, I would recommend blocking me or my Zero-One tags, bc I am stubborn as all hell and will not budge, and will occasionally be very vocal. Horobi is very important to me, and I have no sympathy for victim blaming, esp not when it involves literal perpetrators getting away scot free (*cough cough* Amatsu Gai *cough cough*).

[botanistlester]

Sweet Pea (27/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Kind of a short chapter, but that's alright. I think it's important! I'm excited about the next few chapters ahhh. Chapter 28 MAY come out a little bit early? Not positive? Because I'm going to chicago this next weekend, but it depends on if i have internet connection or not. If I have internet connection then i'm gonna upload it on saturday as usual! Thanks for @snowbunnylester for editing for me. The lyrics at the beginning are from The Fire by Tonight Alive.

ALSO, thank you SO MUCH to everybody who voted for this fic in the phanfic awards. I am super proud to announce that this fic won many awards! Sweet Pea was officially voted first place Best of the Best fic, Best Angst, and Best Chaptered, and second place in the Edge of the Seat Award, and Slow Burn, for the phanfic awards 2017! I appreciate and love all of you and i'm gonna cry wtf!

Previous | Masterlist

Read it on AO3 Read it on Wattpad

-

Chapter Twenty-Seven

But I made it out alive. I’m here to say I breathe; at least I try. I won’t go without a fight. You can’t stop me.

-

Phil has been doing a lot of thinking.

Truth was, he was bored. He was bored of life. His life had become an endless cycle of the same things over and over again; get up, go to work, get back home, clean the house, make dinner, play video games, talk to Dan, go to sleep. Over and over and over again. There was nothing for him to be excited about, nothing that made the wheels in his head turn to make him think, nothing to expand his knowledge about subjects that he cared about.

He missed school. He missed his friends. He missed going out. He missed how he would go to school and giggle in the middle of lectures because his friend had decided to make a lame sex joke under their breath. He missed going to the dining halls on campus and watching the people walk past as he ate a sad enchilada. He missed how he had to stay up late to finish essays because he’d procrastinated way too much. Okay well, maybe he didn’t miss that part, but he missed the other stuff and it almost made him long for that as well.

He was trapped in an endless cycle of boredom and he didn’t really know what to do about it.

“Dan, I think I’m dying,” Phil groaned out one day, when his thoughts finally caught up to him and he realised that he couldn’t fucking do this anymore.

Dan set down his DS, which Phil assumed he had been using to play Animal Crossing judging by the songs. His friend raised his eyebrows in question, staring at him quizzically, expectantly. “Okay?” Dan asked slowly. “And why do you think you’re dying.”

Phil pressed his palms into his eyes and pressed down. Stars danced across his vision like it was mimicking the night sky, and he let out another pitiful groan. “I’m so fucking bored.”

“Alright, so do something else then and stop sitting around on your ass,” Dan replied as though it was the simplest solution in the entire world. He went to pick up his DS again, but Phil stopped him with his words.

“No, like. I’m bored. With life.” Phil sighed, and he didn’t really think before he started to speak again. He had gotten a little better about speaking about his feelings, thanks to the endless prodding from Nate, but he was still pretty bad at it. Especially when it came to major life choices and not thinking it through before he suggested it. “I think I want to go back to school.”

Dan really did drop his DS then. It dropped to the floor with a thump as he sat up from the couch, staring at Phil with his mouth open in a gape. “Now hold on,” Dan said, his eyes blinking fast. “Let’s talk about this first so I can understand your sudden change of heart.”

Phil groaned and flung himself backwards on the couch, fully aware that he was throwing a temper tantrum. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to think about it. He just wanted to do. He was bored. So fucking bored that it made his head spin and his fingers tap rhythmically on the desk. Staying in the house during the day, just doing work and coming back home afterwards, was making him go insane.

He needed to do something.

“What is there to understand, Dan?” Phil asked, his voice pathetic and whiney like he was a god damn baby. “I’m so bored that I think I’m going to actually die. What else is there to think about?”

Dan bit his lip, looking concerned. Phil didn’t really understand why he was so concerned. Didn’t he want Phil to go back to school? To do something with his life? With the way that Dan was looking now, it seemed like he was more apprehensive than anything at this suggestion, and it made Phil’s heart sink. Phil’s shoulders began to sag with defeat and his chest caved in like he was trying to hide himself from the world. Dan saw this, shaking his head and scooting closer to him on the couch. “No, no! It’s not what you’re thinking,” Dan promised. He put an arm around Phil’s shoulders, and brought him closer so that he could place a chaste kiss on the side of Phil’s head.

Phil relaxed into him, because this was Dan and there was no way that Phil could just give up an offer of cuddling a literal giant teddy bear. He stayed silent as Dan continued, just drinking in his warmth and closing his eyes to try and calm himself down, to tell himself that Dan was here, of course he was going to be concerned about Phil. “So what aren’t I thinking of then?” Phil murmured, closing his eyes and soaking in the feel of being cuddled up close to Dan.

“Well,” Dan started. He picked up his hand and started to brush his fingers through Phil’s hair, just how Phil liked it. It was wonderful and made Phil’s head get off of the impending conversation just slightly. He always liked when people brushed their fingers through his hair, almost as though he were a cat. It made him feel calm. Loved, even. “I’m honestly just concerned about your mental stability at the moment. Not because I don’t think you can handle school or anything, but because I know you dropped out because you physically couldn’t handle it anymore. So I guess I just worry that you’ll join school again and then immediately feel pressured and overwhelmed again, which is something I don’t want for you. Does that make sense, or am I just an asshole?”

Phil chuckled, shaking his head. “You’re not an asshole, Dan,” he said warmly, and it was the truth. He could see where Dan was coming from with this. After all, Dan had seen Phil in probably every mood possible by now. He’d seen Phil when he’d given up. He’d seen Phil when he was angry. He’d seen Phil when he was broken beyond repair, and he’d seen Phil when he was baking five batches of cookies while dancing around the kitchen singing Japanese music at the top of his lungs. Phil had no doubt in his mind that Dan knew him better than he knew himself.

Which was why Phil was confident enough in their relationship to calmly tell Dan why he had to do this, why he had to go back to school. Not for anybody else, but for himself.

“I’ll be honest with you, Dan,” he began, taking his best friend’s free hand in his own. He started to play with Dan’s fingers, picking them up slightly and letting them slap back down onto his thigh. “At this point in my life, right now, I feel like I don’t enjoy anything anymore. Sure, that was the same as before and I know that. But while I felt like I had nothing to live for back then, I feel like I can… I don’t know, accomplish something now? Like maybe I can do something other than sitting around on my ass playing Mario Kart all day and working at a dumb pizza place. If I go to school, I think it’ll give me that drive to actually do something again, you know? Like maybe I can be an English professor someday and actually be happy with myself. Doesn’t that sound great?”

Dan was silent for a moment, which was disconcerting to Phil. He glanced over at Dan to find his friend grinning so largely that he couldn’t possibly speak, his entire face lit up like the sun. He surged forward suddenly, embracing Phil in a hug so tight that it knocked the breath out of him. “Fuck, I’m so proud of you,” Dan whispered in Phil’s ear, pressing a kiss to the side of his head. It felt weirdly intimate, but Phil didn’t mind. He rather liked it. “Two months ago, you never would have said something like this. And now you’re filled with hope and amazement and excitement about the future.”

Dan sighed and sat back, holding Phil at arms length. His eyes were golden honey on a bright day, and Phil mimicked his happy grin. “I’m so immensely proud of you, Phil. I don’t think you know just how much guts this took to finally try to start getting on your feet again. I support you wholeheartedly, and I’ll be there for you every step of the way no matter what, just as I always have been.”

Phil laughed, a giddy bubble escaping from his chest. “Thank you,” he murmured. “Admittedly, I’m scared. Really scared.” He looked away from Dan, staring at the ceiling instead and squinting like he was trying to find something on the white surface. “What if I see Nico there? Chandler? What if I have a break down? What if I end up not being able to do it? Because you’re right. I am screwed up. I do have a lot going on. There are probably going to be times I have a panic attack and won’t be able to finish homework due to that. I have full faith that’ll happen. But I can’t just give up due to some guy who made me love him more than I loved myself.” Phil paused and made eye contact with Dan, his gaze burning. “It’s about time I loved myself. It’s about time I stopped sulking around. I need to get out, Dan, and this is one of the first steps into having a better life.”

Dan was staring at Phil as though he had put the stars in the sky, his expression filled with awe. He was happy, so happy, that Phil almost thought he would just lean forward and kiss him or something. That was the kind of expression Dan was giving him, and it made Phil’s chest swell in a pleasant and excited way. Dan didn’t kiss him though, of course he didn’t, because they were best friends, but he did pick up Phil’s hand, entwining their fingers together. “I’m so fucking proud of you, jesus christ. But you’re wrong about this being the first step.” Phil cocked his head in confusion, and waited for Dan to go on. “The first step started as soon as Nico walked out of your life. You started to heal that same day. It may not have felt like it, but you started to do things that were the best for you, even if you may have chosen some coping mechanisms that weren't’t healthy.” Phil grimaced as he remembered Jace, how he’d cheated on him, how many people he’d slept with in such a short time frame. He wasn’t proud of that. “It’s been fucking hard, and it may not have felt like you were healing, but you were. You still are. And you’re doing better every day. Not everybody can do that but you did. Do you know how amazing that is?”

Phil beamed, and his eyes started to well up with tears despite himself. He was being a baby, but that was alright. He had no qualms with crying in front of Dan now. And he definitely wasn’t embarrassed to lurch forward to bury himself in Dan’s chest, using his warmth as comfort in this hard time. “I’m so scared,” Phil whispered into Dan’s chest.

A pair of warm arms encircled his waist and clutched him tightly to Dan’s body, almost like a shield. Phil felt protected just from the embrace, like nothing bad in the world could hurt him. “I know,” Dan whispered. “But you don’t have to do it alone. I’ll be by your side through it all.”

“Thank you,” Phil choked out. He suddenly couldn’t breathe, his throat all clogged up with cotton wool, tears leaking from his eyes. “I’m worried about if I see him. What would I do? I don’t… I don’t think I can see him again without having a meltdown again.”

“He can’t hurt you anymore,” Dan said protectively, tightening his arms even more around Phil’s waist. “You have a restraining order and you have me. I’ll punch him if he even steps within twenty feet of you.”

Phil barked out a laugh, one thick with tears and worry. “But you won’t be there the whole time I’m on campus. What if I see him during one of the times you can’t be there?”

Dan kissed the top of Phil’s head and rubbed the small of his back. “Then Louise and I will form our own mafia and skin him alive,” he joked, before turning serious. “For real, though. I won’t let anything happen to you. It he gets close to you then call the police. You can’t stop living your life in fear of him, you can’t let him control you. You’re stronger than him, you’re better than him, and you have wonderful friends who will beat his ass if he even tries to come close to you.” Dan reached up and grabbed Phil’s face in his hands, gently forcing Phil’s face up to make eye contact. He smiled warmly. “Seriously. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

There weren’t a lot of things that Phil believed in anymore. He didn’t believe in Santa Claus. He didn’t believe that each person only fell in love once. He didn’t believe that people deserved to go through the shit that he went through with Nico.

But for some reason, he found himself believing that he would be safe, that he could go back to school and steer clear from Nico. WIth Dan and Louise and all of his other friends sticking by his side, Phil felt like he could do anything in the world.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

[getsterekt]

FIC RECS

in honor of gaining another hundred followers on my twitter account @getsterREKT heres another rec list. 

This will just be made up of lots and lots of different types of fics. Make sure to read the warnings for each fic before reading. 

(fics with ** are favorites)

It Takes A Village by  Hypocorismm

Stiles's used to yogurt handprints on his shirts from where he picked her up, and he's used to snot on his shoulders and neck from where she cried after a bad dream. He's used to her legendary tantrums when she doesn't get her way, her eyes glowing ferocious gold. He's used to being the village it takes to raise her, and the pack she longs for.

Except, he needs the pack's help, and Derek's protection when a particularly power-hungry pack wants his cub. And he isn't used to sharing.

WORDS: 49227

RATING: Mature

CHAPTERS: 35/35

WARNINGS: angst, kidnapping, mpreg.

Night Stroll by  Marishna

"Is it night there?"

Derek chuckled. "Yeah, it is. How do you know where I am?"

"I don't, that's why it's weird it's night. That puts you in... Europe?" Stiles asked after some quick math.

Derek raised an eyebrow. "Spain. You haven't lost that..." Derek waved his hand. "Stileness."

WORDS: 3276

RATING: Teen and Up

CHAPTER: 1/1

WARNINGS: derek has insomnia??? is that a warning??? idk

****Prince Among Wolves by  tylerfucklin (Deshonanana)

Looking for full day/evening sitter. 2 twin boys age 4. Must have exp. w/werewolves. Must be human. No pedophiles. No teenage girls. Pay negotiable. 

WORDS: 101,000

RATING: Explicit

CHAPTERS: 20/20

WARNINGS: mild transphobia, derek learns acceptance, broken family, so much angst

Walking Into Darkness by  alenie

Derek hears Stiles before he sees him. There's anxious, wheezy breathing coming from the next aisle over in the grocery store, accompanied by a racing heart and the smell of unwashed sneakers and hair gel. He turns the corner and Stiles is standing frozen in the dairy aisle, knuckles clenched around the metal of his shopping basket.

WORDS: 6342

RATING: Teen and Up

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: panic attacks, anxiety, depression, post 3b, pre-sterek relationship 

****Ashes, Ashes by  ShanaStoryteller

The Sheriff gets a call at work - someone's tried to burn down his home with his son inside.

"I thought of you coming here, and finding me dead, of another burnt out husk of a body, something else fire has stolen from you, of you having nothing left to grasp but ashes," John can't even call that a whimper, it's clearly a whine as Derek's hands tighten against Stile's hips, as if his boy will shudder to dust at the mere mention of the possibility unless Derek's hands can hold him into one piece, "and that thought was worse than dying."

WORDS: 2699

RATING: Teen And Up

CHAPTERS:1/1

WARNINGS: so much angst, stiles nearly burns to death

Just Realize What I Just Realized by  literaryoblivion

He’s never noticed it before; it’s always just been second nature to him these days, does it out of habit, but it’s not until he stops to actually think about it that it becomes abundantly and embarrassingly clear to him that he is in love with Stiles and that they are practically dating without the actual dating part…

WORDS: 2529

RATING: Teen And Up

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: a lil angst, (but mostly fluff)

The Potential Fatality of Assuming by  crossroadswrite

The hair, the buttons and the general happy and slightly tired disposition with which Derek came back from his secret exploits were as obvious as a glaring neon sign flashing the words JUST GOT LAID.

A sign that Stiles ignored because he had a seven year plan god damn it.

(OR: in which Stiles assumes things, gets accosted by the sister he never/always wanted, discovers he was horribly wrong, almost dies via Derek Hale with kids, can't handle all that collarbone action, uses tickling as the ultimate mode of revenge, and gets a boyfriend. In that order.)

WORDS: 2196

RATING: General

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: misunderstandings, because stiles is dumb, lots of pining

****If I Could Trade Mistakes For Sheep, Count Me Away Before You Sleep by  alisaj

"Thing is, Stiles," Derek says, his voice hard and unfaltering. "I didn't sign up for you. You just hung around until we got used to you being here."

That stings. He hadn't realised how Derek feels about him. They've been getting on quite well, teaming up on little missions and bantering back and forth without malice. Stiles sometimes lets Derek crash in his room after a big fight, trying not to let on how intriguing he finds the werewolf.

"Well now we can get used to you not being here. You're a liability, Stilinski. You can't protect yourself and we always end up having to help you when we've got more important things to do. You're out of the pack."

or

The one where Derek is a terrible Alpha and Stiles ends up walking into a big pile of shit.

WORDS: 33,383

RATING: Explicit

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: stiles gets kicked out of the pack, derek is stupid, like, so stupid, stiles gets hurt, theres so much angst in this like wtf, stiles is sad, the pack sucks

Sour Kush (series) by alisvolatpropiis

Stiles mentally curses Erica, because in all of her warnings about how brusque this guy could be, she forgot mention that he’s also hotter than the fucking sun. If Stiles had any lingering questions about his sexuality, they’d be completely settled by what this guy is doing to him. In fact, he might not even be gay anymore. He might be in the midst of crossing into some yet-to-be-named sexuality that’s all about a scruffy black beard and alarming green eyes and muscles and tattoos and this guy’s everything ever.

The guy’s name is Derek, his lust-addled brain supplies distantly.

Well that settles it, then. Stiles is Dereksexual.

WORKS: 3

COMPLETE: it says no but they havent updated in like over 2 years so im guessing its done

WORDS: 15,392

RATING: Explict 

WARNINGS: everyone is stoned all the time, also in work 2 stiles is hurt because he thinks derek is getting it on with parrish, they’re dumb, age difference, derek has a beardddd 

I Just Want You For My Own (More Than You Could Ever Know) by  yodasyoyo

“What is with that sweater, dude?”

Derek ducks his head to look at it, abashed. “Uh- Mrs Hernandez knitted it for me. It’s an early Christmas gift.” He smooths it down self-consciously.

Stiles cocks an eyebrow.

“What? She’s my neighbor and sometimes I-” Derek trails off. Stiles’ other eyebrow rises to join the first, and Derek sighs. “Sometimes I help her carry her shopping.”

Of course he does. One day maybe Stiles will stop being in love with Derek Hale, but today is not that day.

WORDS: 16,065

RATING: Teen And Up

CHAPTERS: 4/4

WARNINGS: pining, fake relationships, they’re both idiots. 

Baby You’re Beautiful by  supernaynay

“God you’re beautiful.”

Derek hadn’t even realized that the words had left his mouth until the whole room went silent, including Stiles, who until about five seconds earlier was busy yelling at him for putting himself in danger yet again.

WORDS: 1089

RATING: General

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: derek is hit with a truth spell

****(Sacred) In The Ordinary by  idyll

The Pack, after college, graduate school and the starting of careers, comes back to Beacon Hills. Nothing's gotten less complicated after all this time.

Based on a kink meme prompt that grew legs and got serious.

Note: This is a whole lot of pack!fic with a very slow build Derek/Stiles.

WORDS: 78,759

RATING: Explicit

CHAPTERS: 9/9

WARNINGS: violence, slow build

Cause I Built a Home (For You, For Me) by  noneedforhystereks

Mechanic!Derek and Daddy!Stiles

Derek Hale is a mechanic in the sleepy town of Beacon Hills, where he has lived all of his life. He spends his day in a simple routine: wake up, fix cars, go home, sleep. It's what he's good at, and it keeps things simple and uncomplicated. Derek doesn't let people in and remains emotionally distant from everyone except his sister, Laura, and her daughter. This all changes when Boyd tows in an old blue Jeep that needs a lot of work and Derek meets the owner of said Jeep.

Because once Derek meets Stiles and his kids, he can't stop himself from caring. And he doesn't want to stop.

WORDS: 59,719

RATING: Explicit

CHAPTERS: 15/15

WARNINGS: angst, pining, emotional hurt, stiles has a lot of baggage. 

Waiting For Our Superman by  tearsandholdme

Derek knew the moment he opened the front door of his clean and pristine apartment to Stiles Stilinski holding a small boy, a cluster of bags, and a suitcase, he was screwed. In every way possible. Undone by the big brown eyes of a small child and his annoying, witty, and attractive father.

WORDS: 95,240

RATING: Mature

CHAPTERS: 22/22

WARNINGS: angst, mpreg, emotional hurt, overprotective derek

Adding You to My Future by  NekoIzumi

“So, I'm Stiles.” he smiled warmly once he had put his unannounced patient down on the exam table. “I will poke and prod you a little bit to check for internal injuries, those that I can’t see because they're inside you, and some of it might hurt but it will pass, I promise. I will tell you everything I'm about to do and why I'm doing it so just stay calm and this will go like a breeze, okay?”

Now, Stiles wasn’t stupid in any way, shape or form, he knew a were when he saw one… although he had obviously never seen a werecat before, and definitely not one as young as this one.

WORDS: 42,252

RATING: Explicit

CHAPTERS:9/9

WARNINGS: violence, like, lots of violence, slow build, gore, emotional comfort, bamf stiles

Stars Plummet: a Christmas Story by  Peckishdragon

When Stiles left Beacon Hills, he never thought he would be coming back. Eight years later, he is coming home for Christmas, with a small passenger in tow. Old feelings, never forgotten, are rekindled.

WORDS: 11,589

RATING: Mature

CHAPTERS: 6/6

WARNINGS: a lil violence, like a tiny bit, 

All They Have by  Nival_Vixen

Single dads AU where Derek and Stiles meet because Derek’s daughter and Stiles’ trans son become friends at school.

WORDS: 4004

RATING: Teen And Up

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: trans child, which leads to ignorant adults being ugly fucks, protective derek 

love comes in all shapes and sizes by  trilliastra

“Daddy says that when I’m in trouble I should get the police because they always help us. You’re going to help me, right?” Stiles smiles at her, happy that today he decided to stop by the grocery store to buy milk after his shift instead of going straight home. At least now he’s able to help the little girl, who knows what would have happened to her if he weren’t around.

“Of course I will.” He smiles again. “What’s your name?”

“Rebecca Hale.” She answers proudly. “My daddy is Derek Hale.”

WORDS: 2207

RATING: Teen and Up

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: kate argent

When You Wish Upon a Dragon by  lupinus

Stiles is at the Hale house, lounging on the front stoop watching Isaac, Erica, and Boyd wrestle, when the baby comes running out of the woods. Derek becomes instant father to a magically appearing baby and falls in love. Stiles can’t take the cute and worries Derek’s heart will break if he loses the kid. 

or, a dragon gives derek a baby, stiles is oblivious, steve just loves his bright pink rocking unicorn and his da and ma 

WORDS: 13,739

RATING: Teen and Up

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: none, but so much fluff

****Lucky That I’m Yours Every Day by  stilinskisparkles

Derek doesn't see how Valentine's Day can get any better than a normal day with Stiles.

WORDS: 6772

RATING: Teen and Up

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: fluff. just. all the fluff. its disgusting how fluffy it is really.

Relationship Status: It’s Complicated by  kellifer_fic

Okay, I know this is a huge stretch for you, but can you please pretend you're like, into me?

WORDS: 4010

RATING: Mature

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNING: mentioned stiles/omc 

***************Shot Through The Heart by  LunaCanisLupus_22

All they've given him is the guy’s head shot. And it’s terrible because now he is ridding the world of one more ridiculously attractive, instant pants dropping- take me now, if you please- regulation hottie.

Even if he has a scowl to rival Kirsten Stewart.

Or the one when Stiles and Derek work for rival assassin companies and are sent to kill each other. It definitely doesn't go as planned.

WORDS: 64,833

RATING: Explicit

CHAPTERS: 12/12

WARNINGS: so much violence, they literally try to kill eachother, enemies to lovers pretty much

will to follow through by  owlpostagain

“It depends entirely on how you look at it, I guess,” Stiles shrugs. “On the one hand, instant healing and the apparently inherited ability to pull off leather at all times. On the other, serious attitude problems and a suspicious disappearance of eyebrows.”

“Even Derek’s?” Danny snorts, “that’s a lot of eyebrow to lose.”

“I know,” Stiles agrees. “You should see, it’s so weird. Every time I want to ask him where they go, except he’d totally eat my face off.”

“There are worse ways to die.”

WORDS: 42,411

RATING: Teen and Up

CHAPTERS: 2/2

WARNINGS: angst, mentions of violence, 

Professor D. Hale (series) by  har1ey_quinn

A series of outsider POVs on Professor Hale and his significant other (with some guest appearances from the pack)

WORKS: 7

COMPLETE: possibly

WORDS: 18,008

RATING: Teen and Up

WARNINGS: none

go on without me!!!! (or the one where stiles is cursed by witches and overreacts to everything) by  day

Stiles is cursed by witches and he can't react like a normal human being. Scott is a terrible best friend and can't stop laughing. Derek just wants it all to be over.

WORDS: 1396

RATING: General

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: crack

******For My Next Trick, I'll Regret All of My Life Choices: a performance by Derek Hale and 80% of his eyebrows by  crossroadswrite

(978): I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW. . “What’s wrong with my eyebrows?”

Kira gives him a sympathetic look, and climbs up to sit next to him, “You kind of… don’t have one.”

“I what!” he shouts, wincing at the volume of his own voice.

Kira pats him on the shoulder and shoves a piece of toast in his hand.

“It’s not that bad,” she tries to console him with a smile, then glances up at his left eyebrow and winces, “It could definitely be worse. It’s not all gone. Just. Half of it.”

Derek considers crying into his orange juice but decides that would be a waste and because his mother taught him how to be a good guest he opts to drink it instead.

WORDS: 2566

RATING: Teen and Up

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: none buT THIS FIC IS AN ALL TIME FAV, THE FUCKING SQUIRRELS VIKING BURIAL GETs ME EVERYTIME, AND BATMAN OH MY

[batwynn]

Stiles listens to his dad ask him the same question that comes up way too often, and gets lost counting the dark flecks that scatter across the white expanse of the all-too-familiar hospital ceiling. Here again, and ‘He’ll be fine,’ the doctor says.

His dad wants to hear it from Stiles’ lips, though. Is he okay?

Is he really okay?

His answer doesn’t come as easily as it used to, no quip or snap back like it’s easy come easy go. The feckless lie sticks in the back of his throat, burning away like a hot coal choking the life out of him.

I’m fine.

He’s said it more than a million times, and no super-hearing anybody has heard his heart skip a single beat. Or maybe they did, but that thought doesn’t make it any easier, because that means they’ve ignored it a million times, too. And it should be easy, he’s brilliant at lying straight to his father’s face these days. Stiles knows how to twist a definition to make it true, how to believe in nothing and make it something.

He’s fine.

Molehills out of mountains. Tip of the iceberg.

Shrink it down until it’s just an ember, a single flicker of pain low in his chest. It burns enough to remind him that it’s there, but cool enough for him to force the words out.

He stops counting the tiny holes in the ceiling, and plasters a bright, brilliant lie across his face.

________________

College is like walking on stage without knowing a single word or what the play even is. Stiles has no idea what the fuck he’s doing here or why he chose to do this alone; but he knows how to rip tattooed skin of a Druid to save the lives of his friends. He knows how to trap and kill a rabid alpha. He knows a spell to turn blood into glass. He knows how to run, and hurt, and grit his teeth through it all. Not exactly stuff he can use in his essays on anthropology, but maybe his psychology professor can diagnose his brand of fucked up.

Still, college is safe, and so what if Stiles doesn’t know what to do with safe. It’s not anyone’s fault but his own. So what if he’s across the country, a secluded hermit in the middle of one of the most crowded cities in America. He calls the pack every single day, he talks and talks and talks until they have to go. Back to class, back to work, back to unsafe and life-saving heroics. Scott will never change, Jesus Christ, he’ll never change.

Do a flip, Scotty. Forget to call me, again. Forget the promises we made. Forget what words set me off. Forget our plans. Forget my voice. Forget me.

It’s no one’s fault but his own.

Stiles doodles on his notes. Okay, so to be more accurate, he notes on his doodles. It might kind of be a problem, if he cared—that’s a whole other problem—but he doesn’t fail any of his classes so obviously there’s a method to his madness. He’s doing really well here, alone.

He’s fine.

__________

New York City is actually not safe. Like, holy shit. Maybe it’s just bad timing on his part, because there’s literally seven different wars going on all the time while the tourists ooh and aaah their way through the busy streets. In the back alleys, the quieter places, five packs and two human gangs are trying to annihilate each other. Each one is almost exactly the fucking same, so much so that it would be totally hilarious if they weren’t killing people. Furious supernatural and humans pulling out the big guns and pissing on everyone else’s trees. It’s dangerous, stupid, bloody stuff.

Stiles dives into headfirst the second classes end.

And for the first time in the past year and a half, he’s numb to the lie burning in the back of his throat.

Of course, it doesn’t last. There’s hunters called in to 'settle’ the 'dispute’. Hunters that maybe vaguely care about peace, but get hard for a good ol’ shoot out. So of course it doesn’t last—Stiles doesn’t last. He gets tired, gets slow. Slips up.

Gets shot.

. . .

A few times.

_________________

Is he really okay?

The coal is back, cooking away his torn up insides. Three bullets later and he’s just so fucking tired.

Maybe that’s why he doesn’t even blink when Derek shows up in his hospital room. He doesn’t even question the fact that Derek is the one who’s here, or that he was the one to call his father, the pack, and Scott. (It turns out, Stiles might have forgotten to call them for a few weeks while he scuttled around a war zone.)

Stiles is also just too tired for Derek’s anger, even if it does come from a place of concern. He’s too tired to do their usual song and dance, and for once—for goddamn once—Derek lets it go.

Stiles tells him, ’I’m fine,’ and Derek Hale just nods, sits down, and exists with him.

______________

When he finds out that Derek has been in New York all along, Stiles is suddenly not tired at all anymore

There’s a lot of WTF’s.

Derek seems really smug about those, though, like that’s what he wanted to hear when he told Stiles he’s been living in the same city this whole time. So much for skipping their song and dance, he’s got Stiles flailing his cast-heavy arm at him and everything is sliding into place until they’re actually laughing.

The coal shrivels. Hello ember.

_________

Stiles has a nice rest of his summer vacation after his little foray into the New York Pack Wars.

'Nice’ means: pleasant, agreeable, satisfactory.

Stiles means: the rest of his summer vacation isn’t as horrible as certain previous summer vacations, and therefor sets a new standard for 'not as terrible as it could be.’

Because healing sucks. It’s slow, painful, mysterious—stitches are weird and fun!—and on its own, healing can be very annoying. Add Derek Hovering Hale to the mix, and Stiles has to use his outside voice more than a few times.

Smotherwolf.

(His stupid heart skips a beat when he says how much he hates it. Fuck, he used to be so good at this.)

But it’s not awful. Because, apparently, now that the wolf is out of the bag about sharing city space, Derek decides it’s time to hang out. And by 'hang out,’ Derek means move in together. And by 'move in together,’ Derek means Stiles has to leave the college housing he had planned to spend the summer in, and live in a new place near the college that Derek SugarDaddy Hale decided to buy.

He says, “just for the summer. Just until I’m done healing.”

Stiles is still there by the start of the new semester, and he’s totally fine with that.

______________

Three days into fall classes he has an attack.

Which, whatever, he’s used to them now. There isn’t always a trigger, but when there is, Stiles goes right off the deep end. Hallucinations, voices, flash backs, shaking, crying, screaming, sometimes puking, sometimes punching things… and people. It’s a medley of unhealthy stuff that typically leaves Stiles curled up on the floor of a bathroom stall somewhere after bolting out of class or lunch before the worst of it strikes.

This time, it’s a picture of a dead man in a trench. Black and white, a blurry nameless man. But Stiles just… he can’t take his eyes off of him. The teacher’s voice turns into static, whatever whatever whatever.

The guy looks a tiniest bit like Scott.

Stiles is already shoving himself in behind a toilet and making himself as small as possible before he even realizes what’s happening. Where’s his bag? Fuck, he forgot his—shit, he’s shaking too much, maybe he dropped it. His nails have blood under them oh god, it’s happening again. It’s happening again. He’s hurt someone. It's—there’s marks on his arms, blood. Good. Okay. Good. Just hold it together, it’s okay. You’re okay.

“You’re okay.”

It takes Stiles way too long to realize that someone else said it, and even longer to notice that it was Derek.

And it’s just Derek being Derek. He doesn’t turn into a fairy godmother to grant all of Stiles’ feverish wishes, he doesn’t become a medical professional and do exactly what one is supposed to do when handling a shit-storm of a panic attack, and he sure as hell doesn’t magically slay all of Stiles’ demons.

He’s just there, sitting on the dirty floor of a public bathroom, one arm loosely wrapped around Stiles’ back, one hand offered to hold or squeeze or bite or whatever Stiles needs. He doesn’t make promises he can’t keep, or tell him what to do. He says, “I’m here,” and, “you’re okay.”

And yeah, maybe he will be. _______________

The day he graduates is mostly forgettable. The stress of finals, the general hyperactivity over the whole ceremony, hotels for the couples of the pack who want romance in NYC, spare room for his dad who wants quiet and to be near his son. It’s mostly a blur until later, when all the 'Congratulations!’ and You did it’s have tapered off into a more quiet affection. When the pack has made itself at home in their home—His and Derek’s home—half of them pleasantly buzzed or crashing from sugar highs, that’s when the memory become solid. Because this—this simple and perfect sort of moment isn’t all he’s ever needed. He still needs to be active, to get out there and shove his foot up some kelpie ass every once in a while. (Derek’s SugarDaddy status has upgraded to buying Stiles new shoes because of this.) Stiles still needs his alone time, space to clean out the spiders in the attic of his brain. And sometimes he still gets forgotten, sometimes Scott isn’t there for him when he reaches out. But he’s not alone, and maybe it’s okay that it’s Derek taking his hand these days, and it’s Derek who never, ever forgets what words trigger Stiles because he has his own triggers. It’s okay because the pack is still here for him.

But these lovingly crowded moments where he can feel the pack bond almost as strongly as the arm Derek has curled around him are a part of that Whole that Stiles needs.

This time, when his dad leans against the couch and asks him the question, Stiles doesn’t choke on a lie.

“Better. I’m doing better.”

Stiles smiles, and snuffs that ember out.

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

Sherlock “The Final Problem” Observations

1.

Jim Moriarty has to be the smoothest motherfucker in the fictional world. He just does it so well! It takes a certain amount of class to be like that, and yet Andrew really pulls it off. I’ve admittedly missed him.

He was fun.

Jim could somehow get it on with a peach and it would seem perfectly normal and even expected thanks to Andrew’s impeccable acting.

2.

Mycroft is sitting alone in the dark, watching an old film and giggling like a damn dork as he mouths the words like he’s some fucking genius. So damn proud of himself.

And then that tiny smile when he sees the old video of his family from years back. As if he’s shocked to see it and shocked to be moved by it.

And then ‘I’m Back’ has to fuck it up. Just when the Ice Man was getting the #FEELS someone has to ruin it! I was so ready to squeal!

Though the joke itself was kind of funny it thankfully got rid of that shitty ass, poor-foreplay-filled film he was watching. Good Christ that was painful.

And then Mycroft literally goes and proves me RIGHT! For years I have lived with the belief that there was a weapon of some sort in that umbrella and I feel so very fucking brilliant! Why else would he carry it around ALL the time?

Mycroft lives in this big ass house that is literally decorated out the ass with unnecessary shit. That’s gotta be effin lonely, good Lord. The open space, the vacancy. It’s kind of sad to see how lonely the British Government is without him even realizing it.

John and Sherlock are dicks. All is right in their world.

For now.

3.

Bill ‘The Wig’ Wiggins gets another mention!

Though seriously, wtf is with the fandom in forgetting who he is? Like, how many posts labeled him as some ‘nameless junkie’ in “The Lying Detective”?

He may be a drug addict, but he’s a brilliant Chemist that even Sherlock takes seriously. Give the guy a break. Doing drugs or alcohol doesn’t make you any less of a person. They just make you a person who might need some help and self control.

4.

Mycroft: This is a private matter.

John: *moves to get up*

Sherlock: John stays.

Mycroft: This is family.

Sherlock: THAT’S WHY HE STAYS!

John: *tiny half smile at his notepad*

This part was really touching because it’s Sherlock showing an insistence that John is important to him and that of all the people he wants with him while he’s learning such intense things about himself, he wants John to be there.

No offense, but choosing your friend over your blood relations is a very important action.

Sherlock’s icy indifference had been chipped away by John a little at a time, until he feels comfortable enough to admit in front of his brother, who thinks that ‘caring is not an advantage’, that he thinks of his best friend as family first and foremost.

That sociopathic exterior just slowly gets further and further away.

5.

Mycroft is 7 years older than Sherlock. Sherlock is one year older than Eurus. Sherls was the middle child. It literally explains so much. Being the middle child sucks.

6.

Mrs Hudson rocking away to heavy metal while hoovering is probably the coolest thing. The Aston Martin was awesome, but her musical taste is wow. I love her and I want her as an honorary Nana.

7.

John: Oscar Wilde.

Mycroft: What?

John: He said, ‘the truth is rarely pure and never simple’. *breaths deeply* It’s... The Importance of Being Earnest. We did it in school.

Mycroft: So did we, now I recall. I was Lady Bracknell.

Sherlock: Yeah. You were great.

Mycroft: You really think so?

Sherlock: Yes, I really do.

Mycroft: That’s good to know. I’ve always wondered.

Sherlock: *looks down* *whispers* Good luck, boys.

God, the suspense killed me. And I swear that little brotherly exchange was sad.

8.

Eurus knew Bach from a second of sound. That’s awesome. I play games like that to test my musical knowledge and am nowhere near as good. She’s like a bloody computer.

9.

The whole glass bit was pretty interesting. It’s an optical illusion catered to one specific direction. If he were to come at her from a different angle, he would have noticed the odd cut in the signs.

You see what you expect to see. Why would a major facility not have a dangerous person behind a glass wall?

He wasn’t observing.

10.

John being the one to notice whose voice was on the recording is great. Mycroft, Mr. Genius couldn’t even tell.

I like it when John is given a chance to prove that he too can pay attention. That he can observe like Mycroft and Sherlock. Of course it lands them in deep shit, but it’s still nice all the same.

John isn’t some rug to be walked on and he’s not just a sidekick.

11.

Jim is ‘relatable’. And to be frank he really is which is so not fair!

“The Hungry Donkey” is a fanfic I would love to read. Sorry, but Jim had a point. Putting a baby in a manger is literally asking for trouble.

12.

Sherlock asking John how he is when he wakes up is really sweet. Like, he’s considerate of John’s health so much and my feels...

Also, he teases John a lot. Teasing!

13.

Sherlock was moving on to calm the little girl down. He was trying to reassure her with praise for following instructions.

Watching his growth as a character is honestly so special and I love the obvious changes from season one.

14.

Mycroft being terrified to kill someone is probably the most humane thing I’ve seen from him. Like, he honestly lost his cool then and was unable to differentiate between the situations. And I think it shows more depth to his character and how he views the ‘world of goldfish’ truly.

If Mycroft was as detached and emotionless as he wants everyone to believe, then he wouldn’t show such feelings, especially in front of others.

Hiding his face in his hand and leaning against the wall so he doesn’t have to watch. Despite the power he controls and the danger he has probably had to become familiar with, he couldn’t handle it.

The erratic breathing and mild panic attack setting in.

Retching against the wall.

Mycroft has gone through a little character growth of his own. And while traumatic for him, I think it was necessary.

15.

“Today we are soldiers, Mycroft. Soldiers. And that means to hell with what happens to us!”-John Watson

In all honesty, the military is not a place for fun and games. While they glam it up with words like ‘serving your country’ or ‘helping the cause’, you are basically putting yourself in danger on a constant basis. You are working for a cause that you might not even know everything about, but you are going to give it your all because in the military, the good of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Because you might one day have to throw yourself in the line of fire or throw yourself on a bomb to save your comrades. Military is not about you. You agree to shed who you are to make yourself a tool to be used for the ‘safety’ of your cause.

That is what it means to be a soldier. John is a soldier, and he realizes what is happening. And he knows that now is not the time for games and competitions. It’s about the good of the many being more important than the need of the few,

And it’s a lesson that Mycroft needs.

John has had at least one chance in each season to put Mycroft in his place and I like that this time wasn’t for the sake of a joke and one-upping him.

Mycroft needs to understand that not everything is a contest and being the ‘best’ isn’t always the best thing.

16.

The name of the person who was supposed to get the coffin, was on the lid. Mycroft has some sass in him somewhere. 

17.

Molly’s kitchens is a chef’s wet dream. I swear to God, I want everything in it. Everything I can and cannot see. Who would have thought that such a secluded woman would have such a state of the art kitchen?

But if she has this bomb ass kitchen, then she must be a cook of some sort. Why else would she need a house/flat with such a detailed room if she was practically incapable of cooking anything and wouldn’t need it?

So I headcanon that Molly is basically a great cook and likes to make morgue jokes to her food while she cooks it.

Her jumper was hideous though. We can’t have everything it seems.

It also sucks that Molly got dragged into it. Again. Like, can’t the girl have some damn peace and quiet in her life? Can’t she just relax?

And it’s incredibly sad because she was basically friend zoned before she had to confess her feelings for a man that won’t return them the way she wants.

Though she made him realize how incredibly hard it is to admit your feelings. Even if he doesn’t love her, he struggled to say those words. After he literally threw them about a moment prior, many times, he could not do it when put on the spot because she was his friend and he knew his insincerity would hurt her.

18.

To put ‘I Love You’ on a coffin is a bit macabre, isn’t it? It’s basically implying that the Love was dead before it truly began.

And that’s sad.

Especially when Sherlock began to emotionally trash the shit out of it because he was just that wrung out.

19.

“Brother mine.”

I am not well right now. He cares a lot. And I care a lot. And we all care too much. He tried to anger Sherlock in order to have Sherlock shoot him. He wanted his little brother to be able to keep his best friend this time, and that hurts.

And Sherlock shaking and being so sad and unable to do it. He cares too.

My #FEELS

Sherlock turning the gun on himself because he doesn’t want to shoot his big brother or his best friend.

RIP Melli.

20.

The trauma of having to realize that your childhood friend was killed by your own sister, is one thing.

But we as an audience now understand more about Sherlock. He re-wrote his own story because he didn’t like it. He couldn’t handle it. He didn’t want to. A common thing in those with PTSD.

Sherlock’s actions from then on were a reflection of his new attitude. His character in A Study In Pink makes more sense now.

And it’s probably the saddest thing to realize for him.

21.

Greg calling Sherlock a ‘good man’ is a nice way to come full circle from episode one of season one.

He called him Greg!

Sometimes I wondered if Sherlock actually knew his name but said wrong ones to annoy him. It’s a very Sherlock thing to do.

22.

“It is what it is.”

23.

Mummy Holmes looks to Sherlock and asks him for help. “You were always the grown up.”

Probably the best moment in Sherlock’s life. Like he’s somehow managed to be the more mature between he and Mycroft, in his parents’ eyes. More responsible. Level-headed. Which is ironic considering what happened in this episode.

24.

Sherlock and Eurus performing a duet.

Now, this is a bit strange for me to like especially after the emotional trauma she put them all through throughout the episode, but when I see Eurus, I don’t see a copy of Mycroft or Sherlock.

Sherlock was once a ‘machine’. If anything. Eurus is the machine, constantly working through variables in an effort to understand.

Sherlock’s emotions are what make him a great detective. Eurus has a great mind, but her lack of understanding for emotions are her downfall in a way. She’s not good with them, much like Mycroft, and so she remains to be like a computer.

A computer that needs heavy rewiring. And a de-bugging.

She is not well. She will not have a normal life.

“Genius needs an audience,” as Sherlock once said. She had no audience. She had no friends. She had nothing. No one. She was her own friend. And it didn’t do her any good.

On top of that, I’m not certain her situation was handled properly. It doesn’t seem like the best was done for her, and while I get limited options at the time, couldn’t they have done better as technology and the area of medicine progressed?

Sherlock playing a duet with her doesn’t mean he forgives her. Maybe he’s accepted what she’s done, and can understand her point of view now. Maybe he knows how unwell she truly is, and he pities her.

Or he’s genuinely interested in the sister who was pretty much gone from his life for at least 30 years.

The Holmes parents wanted to be in contact with her despite everything she’d done. What’s so off about Sherlock being curious? His entire memory was rearranged because of it. He has a right to be curious.

25.

MISS YOU

“Who you really are doesn’t matter.”

A lot of people have emotionally taken this phrase out of context. And I could honestly gripe about how pathetic it is, but my comment just now kind of explains my thoughts of almost everyone else’s thoughts, so I’ll continue on.

As always, people take only one part, instead of the whole.

“I know who you really are. A junkie who solves crimes to get high, and the soldier who never came back from the war.”

Mary lays it on them. The facts of who they are. Sherlock is an addict and he substitutes cocaine, for crime solving to keep his mind afloat and of use. Otherwise he’d been higher than a kite and eating chips all the time.

John was unable to transition into the life of a civilian. Much like other soldiers never truly do. You can take the soldier out of the war, but you cannot take the war out of the soldier, and this is a textbook case of it.

She broke them down past their titles and what everyone knows them as, to their basics. Who they really are.

And being a junkie isn’t considered cool. Having an addiction to adrenaline isn’t considered cool. Most would look down on such things if they knew the truth about Sherlock and John and their inner struggles and problems. They’d been deemed unstable. Awkward. Dangerous probably.

Two men who live together actively seeking danger and possibly life threatening circumstances constantly, in order to fulfill some kind of addiction they each have.

But Mary goes on to tell them that it doesn’t matter.

I have said many times that doing drugs or alcohol doesn’t make you a bad person. And a lot of people would look down on them for the truth of who they are, but Mary tells them it doesn’t matter. She knows them and who they can become. She understands both of them in ways that other people can’t.

It shouldn’t matter if someone is a junkie or if they suffer PTSD. It shouldn’t be their defining characteristic. We are more than our choices. Sherlock and John are more than their choices.

And to get all angry over something that simple is immature and as I previously stated, pathetic.

26.

John spraying the new smiley face on the wall.

I lowkey thought he and Mrs Hudson were annoyed by it, but he literally re-sprays it on the new wallpaper!

Sherlock shoots the wall again to be sure.

He then stabs the mantel, much to poor Mrs Hudson’s vexation.

27.

Sherlock and John living in 221B and raising Rosie together. And John smiling up at Sherlock. Yes. Seeing Sherlock going from trying to reason with a baby on how to keep a rattle, to bouncing her in his arms while he smiles, is great.

It’s a moment that I’ve wanted for years.

28.

Finally, my opinion of the Sherlock fandom has gone down since this season started. I never once had a problem until people started attacking me for liking the episodes. People literally mocking me for not believing that John cheated on his wife. And then turning around a week later claiming they didn’t believe it either. I had those blogs marked down and when I checked on them after “The Lying Detective” aired, I blocked every one of their lying asses.

Sherlock is a great show. A show about Sherlock Holmes primarily. Hence why the show is named after him. We see him in the beginning. We see him in the end. It’s his journey. His adventure.

In the last episode of season 4, Sherlock asked John if he was okay, several times. He wasn’t in any way concerned in A Study In Pink. He’s grown as a person by opening up with John.

I liked season 4. There was drama at every turn, little extra bits here and there that required another watch or 5, secrets and riddles that had to be solved. So many throwbacks to the books and former shows, like usual int he show.

I was happy with everything. As a GenderFluid Pansexual, I was not insulted. I didn’t ‘feel attacked’ by anything in Sherlock. I wasn’t phased in the least by anything. I don’t consider anything ‘queerbaiting’ or a ‘spit on the LGBTQ+ Community’. We got Irene for God’s sake! Sexy Lesbian Dominatrix who is smarter than Sherlock, more cunning than Mycroft, and assured in her own sexuality and self. And she wasn’t killed off.

There’s this strange western concept that sex and kissing proves that two people love each other. Romance doesn’t not depend on gender. So unless you’re telling me you’re in love with someone’s genitals, cut the shit.

I don’t need them to kiss. I need them together, happy, doing what both of them love, looking out for each other, and being the pillar the other needs. And if they were opposite genders, this would have immediately been considered canonical conformation of Joanlock. But it’s like it’s only canon if the men kiss for everyone to see.

A kiss doesn’t mean you love someone. Moving to shoot yourself so you don’t have to choose between who to shoot, is a bigger declaration of love.

The words ‘I love you’ are bandied about constantly. They have no meaning in my book. I look to actions to show me how someone feels. So telling someone you love them is easy(if you’re not Molly). But offering to give your life for them isn’t easy.

I take that to be important. I take the emotional support between them as my confirmation.

And if the majority of the fandom wants to throw a fit and continue to be depressed, then do so. But don’t count me in on it.

I’m restricting my contact to the fandom on Tumblr. Shockingly, Tumblr ended up being the cesspool of hate from the Sherlock fandom, out of all the possible sites to cause drama.

So many fandoms are disgusted by BBC Sherlock right now. So many people glad to have not been dragged in ever, as they witness people being attacked in just the past day alone. Their feeds and dashboards filled with blatant harassment between bloggers who can’t grow up.

It’s gotten ridiculous and I don’t want to be a part of it when there are so few people left who actually use their brains.

The Sherlock Fandom has become just like the Twilight Fandom. Congrats. You’ve put me off to fandom happenings and ensured many don’t want to get to know the show we supposedly love so much. And you confirmed the beliefs of a lot of others, over the ‘pretentious assholes’ that make up the Sherlock fandom.