#the government could call me and be like... u know that one anon? they just murdered someone what should we do

[judasgot-it]

Hiii! I suddenly had an idea like a vision or something tehee

imagine after a party (idk, hunting dogs celebrating another victory) and s/o’s feet hurt for her heels so tecchou noticing, carries her on his back. sorry if it was simple

btw Can i call you Judy and be 🪻anon?

You've gifted me a nickname and all I did was ignore you. I think the best thing that should be done is that I write your ask and that you beat me (jk please don't I'm just a writer. but ily flower anon that nickname is so sweet u have full use to call me it <3)

Scenario: Husband! Tecchou carries fem! reader around while at a party (TW for reader being a little drunk at some parts lol)

1 k words

Kiss Me - Sixpence None The Wiser

1:15 AM

The work party was still raging on.

Fukuchi and Teruko were screaming a duet into the karaoke machine, some sort of anime intro that Tachihara complained only old people would know.

Jouno was surprisingly still in the room, forcing some poor chef to make another batch of some overly complicated dish that apparently only Jouno could appreciate. There was a gun on the table, although surprisingly it wasn't pointed at anyone yet.

You could breathe a sigh of relief at that.

All you were looking for now was Tecchou. He had gone missing around half an hour ago, doing who knew what. He was the one thing keeping you alive at this party, considering how you were one or two drinks away from either passing out on the floor or just trying to take yourself home.

Your feet hurt, what else could you say? Maybe you were a little bit too drunk right now since you were sad over where you had placed your shoes. They were somewhere in the room, you were sure of it.

It was a really emotional endeavor, enough that you felt tears start to come to your eyes thinking about where you placed them. You tried to wipe them away the best you could, trying to not hit your face with the pair of shoes you were holding in your hands.

You walked across the room, hoping to find your husband in the crowd of very important government people whose names had lost you at that moment. Thankfully no one approached you, although maybe it was because they were all as messy as you were.

Tecchou was one of the tallest people there, and even on your tippy toes, you couldn't find his messy chestnut hair in the sea of heads. The feeling of panic started to settle quickly, your heart almost beating outside of your chest - your husband could be almost anywhere.

You turned around, feeling your tongue fall into your throat as you still couldn't locate your man. Wiping your wet eyes, you watched as a man approached you - tall, with messy chestnut hair.

Swallowing deeply, you tried to compose yourself as you saw his eyes land directly onto yours. Against your will, your eyes began to well up with tears once again.

Your feet guided you, rushing towards him like a bullet.

There was no thought as you wrapped your arms around him, your face buried down inside of his red suit. You sighed with relief as you felt your cold nose start to warm up against his body, the air you breathed our fanning against the cold skin on your cheeks as you nuzzled deeper onto him.

“Oh, there you are Angel.”

Two hands pulled at your arms, their warmth shocking your cold skin into goosebumps. His fingertips danced along your skin, callouses massaging your skin all the way up to your shoulders.

“I was looking for you. I was starting to think you got lost.”

You looked up as you said this, blinking innocently up into his honey eyes. He leaned his head a little bit away to stare at you, the tattoos on his cheek blending in with his long eyelashes.

Watching them twitch made your lips curve up, how they perfectly melted in together. You took one of your hands and pulled his face to look down at you properly, his brows pinching as he took in the full sight of you.

“You're so pretty Tecchou. Do you ever hear that?”

He smiled at those words, leaning closer into your hand.

“You told me that on our wedding night, actually.”

His brows pinched again, his gaze looking downward once again.

“Angel, why aren't you wearing your shoes?”

His words took a little to sink in, you still too busy watching how his beautiful face pulled apart as he said those words - the tattoos underneath his eye moving just underneath the small creases from his smile.

“Hmm… My feet hurt.”

You other hand lowered itself, cradling his waist as you swayed to the music that played throughout the room. It was easy to ignore the horrible singing that accomidated it, as you instead focused on the strong muscles that were barely consealed underneath Tecchou's suit.

He barely budges, only swaying slightly as he let you have your moment - watching you with hooded eyes. His steps were small, his heels clicking lightly against the tile of the dance floor.

“You know, if your feet hurt I can just carry you around.”

Stopping, you looked up at him, looking at his face carefully. His eyes held no lie, seeing as he was always a truthful man.

“Are you sure about that?” It was always polite to ask in your mind, even when you were challenging one of the strongest men you knew.

“I can lift twice your weight, you know that angel.“

A small smirk spread on his face as he said this, his eyes poring through your figure. His hands traveled down to your waist, squeezing you gently.

”I wouldn't break a sweat at all, if that's what you're worried about.“

You didn't have time to react as you stomach did twists, Tecchou manhandling you into a bride carry with ease.

”Oh my god, Tecchou!”

It was impossible to hide the joy in your words as he carried you, continuing the dance you had started earlier with ease. He hummed along softly to the song that still played, ignoring whatever wailing words were coming out of a horribly drunk Fukuchi's mouth at that moment.

It wouldn't ruin yours at the very least.

“What? I'm not going to let you walk around while your feet hurt.”

He danced with ease, completing a lazy waltz with you in his arms. His soft locks were lit up by the chandelier above, turned into a soft caramel from the light that shone through the strands. They stuck up in all sorts of directions, forming a creme brulee halo around his face.

You brought one of your arms to wrap around his neck, bringing your fingers to sift through the longer strangs of his hair. It was soft, almost an estactic feeling to have something so ethereal under your hand.

“You're so gorgeous.”

His face was closer to yours, his nose nearly brushing against yours. You giggled, stealing his air as you did so.

“I think you said that to me on our wedding night, handsome.“

His lips were pressed against yours, his handsome face blocking your vision for the rest of that night.

[nightcolorz]

Ryan, Armand is an ancient vampire. He's the strongest vampire in the show so far. He put the whole coven to sleep with a flick of his wrist. The show EXPLICITLY framed Armand as the one who orchestrated the trial. I didn't know you were delusional holy shit.

oh my god, don’t address me by my name, I don’t know u, u absolute freak 💀. If I can’t see ur profile picture u can’t call me by my government name, general rule. If u wanna be intimate with me like that get off anon, jeez Louise. I was so caught off guard by that I couldn’t even register the rest of ur point.

anyways I’ve talked about this b4 actually! It’s extremely unclear so far in the show verse how much of a role Armand had in the trial. The only thing we know is that he let it happen, he didn’t save Louis on purpose/was planning to let him die, but he stayed in a cage, even tho he wasn’t a prisoner, per his choice. We also know, based on the timeline, that Armand was banished from the coven, and eventually decided to help with the trial, bcus he wanted to be accepted back into it. He wasn’t a mastermind from the beginning always planning to have the trial happened, that so far is not the story, but he did take control at some point. He definitely consented to it/allowed it to happen. He absolutely could have stopped it if he wanted to, that’s inarguable.

When I said in the post I assume u are addressing that Armand participated in the trial as a logistic, fawn response move bcus he felt it was the safest option since he was threatened, I said that bcus he says that in the show, multiple times. He could be lying, he could just be a completely evil villain who does everything cuz he’s crazy and doesn’t give a shit and actually doesn’t act at all from a place of perceived logic and self preservation. Maybe ur right and they are writing Armand as a one dimensional evil mastermind who doesn’t have any of the depth they have been writing him with and just lies to kill people for fun.

But personally, I think it makes more sense in context of the story and the characters, and it makes textual sense considering everything that has been told to us, that Armand chose to go along with the trial bcus he values his coven since it offers him protection (that he logically doesn’t need, bcus he’s extremely powerful, but Armand has a victim mindset that drives all of his choices) over louis, who he considers unreliable, and Madeline + Claudia, who he doesn’t care about. It’s completely unfounded in show canon that Armand is acting out of pure desire to see louis and Claudia dead, since he would have just killed louis and not stayed with him for 77 years after that, if that were the case, which was my entire point. Armand doesn’t act out of a place of hatred or pure evil, he’s doing what he genuinely believes will keep him “safe” even tho he’s the most powerful person in the room, he makes decisions as if he’s in vulnerable danger. He never logically is, but he doesn’t realize that. Did u know! That this is what ptsd does? How crazy, that someone with insane trauma would act out in a fear mindset, even tho they are in no actual danger. So crazy guys. Anyways, I guess I am delusional, holy shit. When u actually pay attention to the motivations and internal logic of characters, u can come off as pretty crazy! Thanks for the ask tho.

[nvoirs]

I sent a request as an anon but I forgot you turned those off for a lil bit lmfao anywho could u do Leon x a goth reader trying out new kinks or not so new kinks??? I feel like this would either be best with re2 Leon or re4 cause I feel like re2 Leon wouldn’t rlly have that much experience but re4 on the other haanddddd idk but I love ur writing sm !!! If ur not comfortable with this that’s totally fine!!! Tysm<33

Disclaimers: 18+ NSFW content, kinks, just a bunch of filth that you should be warned beforehand before reading.

Note: This was a very curious request of mine, I just want to let everyone know I'm not really aware of the goth fashion and I am totally aware the way you dress does not determine your kinks!

with re2 Leon

With a much younger version of Leon he would be nervous to ask literally anything about what you like.

But you'd show him!

re2 Leon in my opinion would be a subby boy, he'd let you do all the work.

Bondage - Spanking/whips is a big one. Leon loves to hold still why you slap his soft ass for being a naughty boy for cumming without your permission. You wouldn't go as far as to leave severe bruises, but red marks were always given.

Roleplay - is done where your in the more dominant role. Leon loves when you dress as a sexy nurse, secretary or teacher.

Somnophilia - After an exhausting day on the job Leon would come home tired but seeing you half naked with nothing but your panties and one of his old college tees does something to him. He can't help but use you while you sleep, can he?

Praising - Leon loves to be praised. Good boy your doing so well for me, would have this man acting up in ways you've never seen before.

Cockwarming - It's relaxing for the both of you after a long day of not seeing each other. Leon likes filling you up and staying like that for so long.

Oral - He prefers to go down on you then reversed. He loves eating you out so much! Leon gets drunk of the taste of you.

-

with re4 leon

oh boy oh boy has his kinky side changed a little with you.

Outdoor sex - Whether It's in a bathroom, on the beach, in a pool Leon gets of to the idea of fucking you in public.

Size - He had a major size kink, especially after he put on pounds of muscle on from his years of training with the government.

Breath play - Who wouldn't want to be choked by Leon and his bulging biceps? You would! And you let him loving the way he looks at you when your losing air.

Toys - Just tell me that Leon wouldn't shove a vibrator inside of you, controlling it when you both went out to dinner with friends.

Degradation - Loves when he calls you slut, whore, bitch etc.

Hair pulling - Pull his hair! This man will go feral.

[pumpkinsy0]

Babs! We need a fic where older Ponyboy (maybe 18, gonna turn 18, let's just make him 18 for now) is in his senior spring break and honestly had no plans. Curly finds him, tells him he's going back to Haiti to see family and invites him along.

Nothing dramatic, just two excited boyfriends going to one of their home countries, Ponyboy gets to hear new languages, see new sights (he loves laying on the white beaches with Curly, listening to the ocean. They usually say nothing during that time--they don't need to) eat new food and of course meet more Shepard family. They're just as wild as the ones he knows in America, but there's such a sense of love and belonging in that home. They instantly love Ponyboy (there's just something about this white boy that ain't threatening.) They already call him names Ponyboy tells himself are just casual endearing ones. (No they've already adopted him, he's their token white boy) Pony wants to compare Haiti to his home, and it's sort of like that, but in it's own unique way.

Also, he learns of Curly's government name. The second he heard it, he felt Curly stiffen as an auntie came over and kissed both his cheeks and spoke about hos tall he was getting. Ponyboy could pratically feel the rage rattling around in Curly's body.

......Curly has a french name. That's why he hates it so much.

Curly gets another tattoo and re pierces his ear, and Ponyboy get his first tattoo, a small thing on his ankle or on his back (someplace he can hide it from Darry till he's 18 and can run away legally). Ponyboy and Curly walking in the streets at dusk to witness the prettiest sunset Ponyboy has ever seen, sitting on the rooftop balcony smoking weed.

It's the greatest memories they'll ever share with each other.

Pony gets into Harvard with his essay he wrote about his time as a 14 year old and how he grew to love himself with the help of a tough as nails greaser who took him to Haiti.

.......forget a fanfic where's the production team to make this movie?

its been so long since someone called me babs, i actually jumped a lil /pos /lh

idk y im getting more asks involving haitian shepards,,but im REVELING in it, im ABSOLUTELY eating this up like im at the last supper

AND THIS FITS SO WELL W ONE OF MY IDEAS!!!! I REMEMBER ONCE I SAID MAYBE CURLYS REAL NAME IS PIERRE AND HE HATES IT BC ITS SO OBVIOUSLY FRENCH COMPARED TO TIM AND ANGELAS NAME, ITS JUST LIKE

tim, 𝓹𝓲𝓮𝓻𝓻𝓮, angela its even funnier bc i hc angela and curly as twins so its like, they whipped out this french ass name for one kid and looked at the other and just went “yea we’ll call her angela”, but i saved curlys entire life n just say his real name is christopher, i cant have my fav be plagued by the french COMPLETELY

(i also said that he hates it tim and angela would probably go “YO PIERRE U WANNA COME OUT HERE🤔🤔🗣️🔥” over and over)

and pony being adopted as the token white boy is SO real, ik they call him “blan” (if u dont know, “blan” is like, the haitian equivalent of gringo, best way i can explain it)

BUT IMAGINE ALL THE THINGS THEY CAN DO!!! they can get ready for kanaval,,,going to the waterfalls,,,,seeing curlys other family that also live in the more country side,,,they can teach pony dances,,,,they can even go into some caves!!!! they can get fresca,,,,get fruits from curlys cousins backyard,,,go on lil walks w curlys cousins to the store for, the possibilities, anon im gonna scream,,

they even have pics to never forget the memories!!! pony also has a scar bc of a lil mishap w a tap tap, but we dont talk about that❤️❤️

and as for curly getting his ears pierced and getting another tattoo ik he was getting looks and lectures from ppl but he did NOT care and honestly, go him

plus everyones speaking in kreyòl and barely knows a lick of english, curly was def the translator the whole time but thats ok, he thought pony looking confused was pretty cute n funny

i will never forget this, anon

HAITI MENTIONED RAHHH🇭🇹🇭🇹🇭🇹🌺🌺🌺🥥🥥🥥🥥

[yinyuedijun]

hi i literally sat and refreshed your blog last night until the fic came out i was so excited and holy shit this fic.

THIS FIC.

it's absolutely visionary to me. it's genre defining. i think i may have never fucked with omegaverse harder in my life kdljfsfjdlsfjdsf

You know differently, of course. You've known it from the moment you met him, from the second you laid eyes on him and thought, I need to help you, and I need to protect you, and I need you to be safe, and you’d never once heard the word ‘love’ in your life—slaves are never loved by their masters, after all, and you'd always been nothing but a slave—but every atom of your being knew that you loved him, that you'd always love him.

listen i showed up last night to have a nice time and just eat up your writing and three paragraphs in I WAS TAKEN OUT. THE TENDERNESS. THE INTIMACY. i got here and like. i had to drop off vc, sit down, turn off my music, settle in to read this because i knew i was about to LOSE MY MIND

the way alpha malewife!mc reads aventurine so instinctively, so intrusively....the guilt they feel for what their very presence does to him, how even if alpha malewife!mc has never, could never bear to harm him, the ghosts of every cruel master aventurine has suffered will continue their work regardless....the way that despite everything that has been done alpha malewife!mc is the one thing aventurine allows himself to cling to in this world. i'm literally crying i love both of them so much. this dynamic is so peak i could have never imagined i swear you have killed me.

i thought translation/zero sum game would be THE mao fic universe to me. the one and only. i am tearing my hair out. you have managed to flay me open and pin my insides out for display yet again. it is the next day and my psyche is irrevocably altered by the violence this fic has inflicted on me last night. struggling to cope with being forced to face the fact that despite all my best efforts to gaslight girlboss manipulate my way through life i can never escape my roots as the biggest soggiest most pathetic service bitch to ever exist on this planet djkslfjsdlkfjkdsl

thank you for writing this you absolutely ate <33 if anything happened to you and i could never read another one of your fics again i would sue the government kill god and then myself o7777777

HRGKDSHSJ ANON UR SO FUNNY I laughed aloud at several parts of this comment 😭😭😭 "genre defining" is a crazy compliment to receive!!! I am an AVID omegaverse enjoyer and I'm so happy to hear that this is like. a standout omegaverse fic for you!!?! WAH! also that third paragraph is one of my faves but I was worried it was a lil too hammy as well LOL so I'm really glad you liked it 🥺💞💞 laughing that you had to turn off music and drop off vc... that's when you know it's SERIOUS...

I'm so glad that you enjoy the dynamic btwn alpha malewife and aventurine, I thoroughly enjoyed writing it but I know it's sooo bleak w all the gendered trauma and guilt 😭 it makes me so happy to know that's precisely what you find interesting/likeable abt it! also, I don't think most xreader audience members tend to relate to alpha characters (we are a demographic full of omegas), so it made me smile and laugh a ton when you called urself the "biggest soggiest most pathetic service bitch to ever exist on this planet" because SAME LMAOFLDJK and I wrote alpha malewife mc for us pathetic service bitches 😔✊

"sue the government kill god and then myself" made me CACKLE LMAOFKDHKSJ. thank you again soso much for reading and leaving the most thoughtful, funny comment ever - every single line had me kicking my feet and smiling. KISSING U!!!

[trans-axolotl]

hey ive only recently learned that antipsychiatry is a thing and im trying to learn more about it. i came across your psych ward post and i totally see your point. and im trying to think about what could be done differently. for example a couple years ago my friend had drug induced psychosis and his friends brought him to a hospital where he then had to stay in the psych ward. especially in the beginning i could tell he hated it there. but at the same time he was having delusions. and unfortunately i just dont know what else couldve been done in that situation to help him. do you think theres a better way to deal with that kind of situation? or would it only be possible to deal with it differently in a totally different world? i hope its ok to ask u this question im just interested in ppls perspective who have personal experience w this

hey, anon! thanks for the ask.

I think it can be really difficult at first to imagine what alternatives to psych wards are when psych wards are all we've ever known. It can feel like the options are psych wards or no mental healthcare at all, which really sucks! But I firmly believe that there are other options, and in fact there are people creating those in the world right now. My answer might get a little long, but I'm going to try to organize my thoughts!

Replacing psych wards is definitely a big task, and is one that requires fundamentally reshaping the entire psychiatric system. Right now, so much of mental healthcare is really entwined with the restrictive, carceral, and oppressive systems of government. Whether it's the fact that most crisis hotlines call the police, that therapists have mandatory reporting laws around self-harm, or incredibly restrictive medication laws that make it difficult for people to actually get the meds they need, almost every area of professionalized mental health is connected to this fucked up structure. Lots of different parts of the mental health care system work together to perpetuate psychiatric incarceration, so it's not just psych wards that are the problem.

Another factor that feels important to me when talking about getting rid of psych wards is addressing some of the factors that push people into psych wards in the first place. There are always going to be mentally ill/mad/neurodivergent people and there are always going to be people in crisis, but I think that if our mental healthcare system wasn't so fucked, that maybe some people would be able to get help before things get to a crisis point for them. If medication was more accessible, if therapy wasn't super expensive, if there is more acceptance and education and resources and communities were better informed about how to support mentally ill people, then maybe not as many people would end up in some types of crisis. We can't talk about getting rid of psych wards without also talking about fighting against racism, colonialism, capitalism, transphobia--the things that are contributing to a lot of people's experiences of crisis.

In terms of actual physical replacements for psych wards, something that I think is really promising is peer respite houses. Basically, peer respite houses offer 24/7 crisis stabilization, staffed by people with lived experiences of mental health. They differ from psych wards in that they are not locked spaces, they are usually in a home-like environment, they are not focused on psychiatric diagnoses, and there's a large focus on trying to eliminate power imbalances between staff and residents. Here's a great link to read more about the mission and structure of peer respite. Here's a link to a mostly current directory of peer respite in the USA. I think peer respite is pretty awesome, and that's definitely something that's on my personal crisis plan for when I get to a crisis point where I cannot stay safe living on my own.

Realistically, psych wards don't really provide treatment, don't really work for many people, and are not really places that you go for healing. When you're at a psych ward, you aren't getting tailored therapy, you often only see a psychiatrist for fifteen minutes once or twice a week, and the stated goal really isn't on healing or treatment. It's on crisis stabilization to get you to a point where you are no longer at risk of harming yourself. And I think peer respite can do crisis stabilization so much more effectively, without locking up people, without giving them huge medical bills, without restraining people or drugging them without consent. There's a lot of peer respites that are connected to outpatient treatments and get people set up with therapy and medication if that's what they need.

I can't really speak to what would or wouldn't have worked for your friend, but I fundamentally believe that mentally ill/mad people deserve the right to our autonomy, and deserve our consent to be respected. It can and does get tricky in cases when people are harming themselves, delusional, or incoherent. However, as someone who has experienced all of those things, that is still not an excuse to just take away people's ability to consent and to lock people up. There are ways to support people who are refusing treatment, don't think there is a problem, or are unable to express their wishes. I could go on about that specific topic for a lot longer haha, but I'm just going to end with the fact that although it can seem like psych wards are the only option, there actually are a lot of people creating community resources as alternatives to psychiatry! We are working on building the different world that we want to see, and even though we are definitely not even close to there yet, there really are so many cool things that people are already doing to support each other.

[depressedhatakekakashi]

long ask and kinda random but- wouldn't it be so funny if two characters are shown throughout a story, not together just yet but it is confirmed they know each other. They talk about each other constantly, and you wouldn't notice it at first glance but man its there once you notice it.

Character A is the type that is very friendly and casual, suddenly becomes polite, maybe even a bit too polite and almost distant talking about them (in a way thats obviously them restraining themselves) to the point u can't quite tell if they do genuinely care but they do know a lot about the other. Meanwhile, Character B has been cursed with a resting bitch face and makes talking about anyone sound like theyre insulting them. Their very short way of speech does not help especially out of context and without proper explanation (think; "I would chain them down to a chair if i could." But they meant that as in out of worry since A is so fucking reckless. Its maddening.) Anyways, other people think A is suddenly polite (out of apprehension?? being wary?? noone knows) but otherwise willing to talk about them (B) nicely. While people think B whose normally calm and relaxed, is always very pissed at A (yes and also no.)

The first time their on screen together basically amounts to a huge explosion on both ends with Character A nervous and unsure how to introduce them but reluctantly settles with simply. "Oh. their a good friend of mine." but B who is normally pretty quiet, just. absolutely goes off. "friend?? FRIEND??? We did not go through the shit we did, and survived together for the shit we went through for you to just call me a good friend."

listen its till death do us part in this household, i am your comrade in arms, your ride or die when you plan on overthrowing the government. I may only know maybe 2/5 of your hobbies but i know what you look like in near terror at the thought of ur loved ones being threatened and rising up in the flames of fury to protect them, and then a sobbing mess when you finally break down. Friend is fine but also man you could do to hype me up more over here-

I just need two emotionally contipated besties on opposite sides of the spectrum is that so much to ask- (also loudmouth and friendly but distant x quiet and stern but also ball of emotion ready to explode, is 💞)

Oh, this is a dynamic i’d actually love to see more of. The ‘are they friends or do they hate each other? I’m getting mixed signals here’ but then you see them in a room together and realize ‘oh, ‘friends’ doesn’t even BEGIN to describe what they two are’

No one has a definitive answer

They’ll kill for each other but also be the first to stop each other from killing

They’ll bite anyone who insults the other, but character B always seems ready to insult character A at a moment’s notice yet never does.

These two are thicker than theives. They’re the best of friends yet so much more. The very concept of their bond is too difficult for any mere moral to understand. Even the gods don’t understand what the heck is going on with these two.

I can think of a few pairings that sort of match this but also, this is so very specific and perfect i wouldn’t want to try and assign it to any character because it’s just…

Easily the best pairing ever. Thank you anon your brain is SO BIG.

[hargrove-mayfields]

so sorry im late asking this (i was waiting for you to get more, super surprised you didn’t get more asks tbh) but could I hear more about your wips “I have a crush on Barbara Holland” “baby fic” and “HOH Steve” also if it’s not too much “girlyfriends” and “cali house” and “medical emergency” ik ik that’s a lot but I’d honestly want hear about ALL of you wips in that list if i could. thank u in advance

It’s alright anon! I’ll accept these asks until I run out of WIPs to talk about!

I have a crush on Barbara Holland- This one is a soulmates au, where Steve has his soulmates initials, B.H., on his wrist, and he is whole heartedly convinced that that person is Barb. He’s very much in love with her, and there’s lots of talk about how pretty and nice she is (hence the title lol) but eventually she reveals that he isn’t her soulmate. Before she had hid the initials on her own wrist under a watch or a chunky bracelet, but she feels guilty, and shows Steve that her mark had long ago faded, because her soulmate passed away when they were in elementary school. Steve decides, despite how much value he used to hold in the whole soulmate thing, he doesn’t care about who some stupid mark says he should be with, so him and Barb date until her death. He’s heart broken, but the sadness very quickly turns into so much anger after Billy Hargrove, another B.H. rolls into town with a little S.H. on his wrist. He feels like the universe or whoever is even in charge of this soulmate bullshit is spiting him for thinking he could fall in love with someone he wasn’t destined to be with, so he rejects Billy for a long, long time, even after he himself figured it out that Steve is his match. When he does start to feel that way about Billy, he struggles with so much guilt and has to go through a very long grieving process to be comfortable with his feelings, because he’s not even sure if they’re his genuine feelings or the work of this soulmate bond. Very long and very angsty.

baby fic- Nancy gets pregnant that first time at the party with Tommy and Carol, and her and Steve try really really hard to make things work out for their baby, but it just isn’t meant to be. They make an arrangement that the Harringtons are very not pleased with, where Nancy has the baby at the Byers house half the time (because let’s be honest I think the Wheelers house is not really a safe place to be raising a baby) and Steve has her the rest of the time. Because it was like, a much more mature breakup without the cheating and the drunken confessions, they’re still pretty close friends. When the upside down starts making an appearance again, they have to try to figure out how to navigate it with this little four month old baby, and that means getting some help involved. Billy shows up at the Byers and instead of a fight, Steve’s all exhausted like oh good, you’re finally here, and gives him the worlds fastest run down of this monster fighting shit with a crying baby on his hip, and like, Billy just can’t say no to him asking him to go into the tunnels while he watches the baby. There is eventual Harringrove after a while, but it’s a slow burn for sure. This is also probably the least serious and least angsty thing I have ever started to write.

HOH Stevie- They’re all in the government hospital getting their post Starcourt once overs, Billy and El of course being rushed into surgery, and Steve’s about to get discharged when he gets addressed by name and just, does not respond at all. The doctor is like hmm, and checks his ears, and they find out he has almost no hearing in his left ear, and only about forty percent in the right. All that head trauma from the Russians and then all of the explosions of the fireworks, it leaves him deaf.

Everyone tries to be supportive, but his dad refuses to let him get hearing aids because he doesn’t believe he actually needs them (Steve’s a diagnosed hypochondriac) so for the next several months while his parents are still home waiting for their next trip, he’s struggling. He basically gets iced out by the party because he just can’t hear anything they’re saying, and the kids get tired of repeating themselves, and Nancy got insulted the one time he told her her voice is too quiet, and Robin wants to do things right for him, but she forgets sometimes, and will ramble on about something without looking at him and everytime he’s like great, I didn’t catch a single word of that, lovely talk though. It’s very frustrating and isolating and nobody seems to want to make accommodations for him.

The very same day that his parents leave for their latest vacation, he goes back to hospital. At first he just has to get more testing done, since it had been upwards of six months since the last time they saw him, and on his way out he notices Max in the waiting room chairs. He hadn’t seen much of her at all since Starcourt, so he checks on her, and at first she tells him to go away, because her friends have said some not so nice things about how much time she spends at the hospital, and assumes Steve is there to tell her Billy isn’t worth it too. Because that’s not the case, he ends up going in the room to visit Billy with her.

They do the small talk, the awkward, sorry about the fact that you’ve been in the hospital for six months now and nobody wants to come see you thing, and at some point Billy realizes that Steve can’t hear a damned thing he’s saying. He tests his theory by saying Steve’s name when he’s not looking and just waiting for him to answer but, surprise he doesn’t because he didn’t hear it at all, and Billy’s just like, you’re deaf aren’t you?

The progression of the fic is basically Steve coming to visit Billy everytime he has an appointment for his hearing (and more, but Bill doesn’t know that) but the day of his last appointment to make sure his hearing aids are functioning as well as they ever will for how bad off his hearing is, Billy’s acting different.

When he’d first walked into his room Billy had been surprisingly bright eyed and bushy-tailed for what he went through, but now he’s just acting all mopey. Max makes him tell Steve what’s wrong, and he confesses that he feels like he’s going to get left behind now that Steve’s all better, because then he has no real reason to visit him anymore. But Steve has one very good reason, and the rest of the story is him making sure Billy knows it.

girlyfriends- This’n’s sort of a non-canon compliant character study about aromantic! Billy, focusing on how awful and uncomfortable he felt with his past girlfriends, messing up dates and never going as far as they wanted him to, which at the time he pinned on liking boys instead, but then after he gets with Steve, he feels like this is different and he likes it, but he’s still not too big on all the lovey dovey, romance stuff. He rationalizes it as like, maybe just being a side effect of him being an asshole or something, but he‘s actually super insecure about how he is in relationships. There is a fluffy resolution though where he embraces his identity, it’s really not all doom and gloom, boo hoo I hate myself stuff.

cali house- Years after Starcourt, the boys have moved to a decent house in California using their government hush hush money, and they’re there for only about a month when Billy’s mother shows up at their door.

She says she caught wind that her son was back in town and wanted to come see him, after all this time. Billy of course lets her back in his life immediately, his mom meant so much to his recovery process and now that she’s here, he can’t turn her away, but Steve’s a little suspicious of her intentions.

He thinks that if she wanted to see Billy, she would’ve done that years ago before he ever even left Cali in the first place, or that you know, she wouldn’t have fucking left him behind. He tries to bring it up with Billy gently, but he won’t hear it, and he feels beyond hurt by the suggestion because he thinks Steve is just jealous that he’s spending time with his mother, who he hasn’t seen for upwards of fifteen years at this point.

They fight and avoid each other for a few days until Billy’s momma admits when he brings it up, over lunch or something saying like, “Steve thought you were using me or something, isn’t that crazy?” and she’s just like “Well, actually...”and tells him that money was tight, and she needed a little extra money, so Billy and his disability checks and his rich (boy)friend seemed like the perfect opportunity to get some.

He goes back home to Steve and expects him to be mad, to rub it in that he was right, but he’s really not, he’s super supportive, and you know, Billy finally realizes he doesn’t need to have this bullshit family thing with his mother, because he already has one, Max and Steve and his friends and all the people that actually care about him.

medical emergency (tw attempted suicide)-

Billy, who’s living on his own in an apartment downtown after Starcourt, deliberately doesn’t get his prescriptions refilled because he’s so done. He’s weak and he’s hurting and he doesn’t feel like himself anymore, and he just feels like he wouldn’t care if his body gave up, if he suffocated in his sleep or had another heart attack. So he doesn’t take care of himself, and when he runs out of oxygen he just doesn’t go get anymore, but he’s halfway to choking on his own blood when he realizes he doesn’t want to die.

He calls Steve, because he’s not calling the cops and he can’t remember anyone’s numbers in his panic, but Steve’s is written on his calendar, scribbled there because they were supposed to make plans for something with the kids. Steve takes him to the hospital, having to fight him to put the CPAP on him to make sure his lungs didn’t collapse before they could get him to Hawkins General, and Billy’s just, so bone tired.

They do all their treatment stuff and get his body back under control, so Steve finally asks him what happened, if maybe he needed someone around to help him remember his meds and stuff, and Billy just, he breaks, like a dam overfilled he just pours out with all of this helplessness and sadness he’d been feeling, how he doesn’t want to live the way he does or at all anymore, and Steve’s heart just breaks for him.

He moves in with him, nobody’s willing to leave him alone after what happened, and Steve (along with Billy getting a new therapist because the old one was incompetent enough to not notice how bad off he was) helps him to realize he has something to live for.

[kaminobiwan]

i have to say, i would love to read something cute about rex and cutting (or bleaching in rexs case) each other’s hair. theres some unspoken trust in that act so who else to ask but you since you are the expert at cute n soft fics! lots of love

oh my goodness anon there’s only one way I know how to thank you properly for putting that image in my head and those sweet words in my inbox... I certainly hope it lives up to your desires :’-) thank u so much

✵✵✵ rini’s minis ; rex + haircut

it had been a long time.

long enough for the dark roots of his hair to grow out, leaving his head an abrupt ombré of dark to dusky, though even the effects of his last dye job had succumbed to fading out over the weeks. his trademark pale blonde had yellowed to a brassier gold, just as you’d predicted when he’d refused your offer of the violet shampoo you’d bought and lathered through his scalp just a couple months before. he didn’t mention the fact that he now associated the smell of the product with your naked touch at his back, and that using it without you felt wrong.

(maybe you could tell, though. you always seemed to know.)

even when he slips into your quarters in the middle of the afternoon, fresh off the transport back from a thankless, enduring campaign—when you should be anywhere else, working, living, not waiting—you’re there, sitting expectantly over the plans for a starship prototype with a steaming mug between your palms.

there’s no surprise in your eyes when it falls finally on his form. only the quiet rejoice at a lover’s return, and the quick scan of his features for any obvious injuries. he smiles weakly when your gaze lands on his hair.

“I told you s—”

“shut up,” he mutters before you can gloat, amusedly rushing to gather you in a tight but one-armed hug. you notice that, too, and you’re quick to peek at his busy hand after you’ve squeezed his neck silly in earnest relief. (he likes how you’ve learned to speak more with your actions. a characteristic so inherently him, and he’s picked up some habits from you, too. a quite fair exchange.)

the razor in his grasp reflects the sunlight streaming through your window, and your curious expression softens when he pulls the bottle of bleach from where he’d stuffed it into his utility belt next.

“...wanna help?” it’s not usually that he’ll as for help—for anything, really, but his arms are sore and he’s secretly hoping you’ll agree so he can feel your touch over his weary face.

it’s also either keeping his new hairdo a second longer (which isn’t an option, he’s allowed one shred of vanity), or asking one of his brothers (also not an option—as much as he trusts them with his life, rex knows that the temptation to buzz a phallic pattern on the back of his head will be too strong for any of them).

you smile delicately at his fidgeting digits, then up at him. he can’t keep your gaze long enough without feeling overwhelmed by your affection. “please?”

“yeah, rex, of course,” you scoff a little before leading him to the tiny refresher of your government issued bedroom and dragging a stool with you for him to sit on. it’s far too easy for you to shove him gingerly down to the seat, but rex is too tired and in love to care.

he raises an eyebrow when you pull back the cabinet mirror to brandish scissors of your own, and you laugh again at his subtle confusion.

“trust me.”

a defensive grumble slips past his lips before he catches it. “I do.”

you placate him with a conceding grin that he matches soon after, and then it’s the satisfying sound of the blade shucking through his strands in a steady beat that soothes him next. before you switch to the razor once you’ve trimmed his length down enough, you place your fingers softly on his temple and rub, lips trailing over the opposite side, never hovering too far away from his skin before coming back down again. he realizes with a start he hasn’t kissed you yet, not since returning, but the thought evaporates with the next pass of your mouth on his stubble—the next to go.

you’ve never been much of a fuss whenever he returned, not matter how long or dangerous of a time it’d been. he always revels gratefully in the ease of which you slip him back to a sense of normalcy and sanctuary.

there will be a time for urgency, for frantic clutches and hungry kisses. it’ll come sooner than either of you care to think about, when he’s called back to his republic-given purpose. but reunions call for patient, stretches of affection, and it’s the sedated lingering of skin on skin that brings him home—truly home—every time.

“you sure you wanna dye it back?” you murmur inquiringly as you brush the last tuft of hair away from his neck. he blinks, then shivers when you surprise him with another kiss to his nape. he doesn’t quite feel like himself, yet, even still—his reflection looks like someone else. maybe bly, if he covered his cheeks. the blonde is his color.

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he returns, tone similarly sarcastic as you snicker quietly at his back. “got a thing for brunettes?”

your arms wind around his shoulders lazily, and he rubs up your wrist in a silent thanks. your mouths spell a tease, but your eyes—warmly adoring—say different. everything he’s ever felt homesick for rushes to his chest and wraps around his heart like a sheet of solidified intimacy, and you smile.

“got a thing for you.” you clarify, and he brings your fingers to his lips.

“hm.” he hums. “me too.”

[ouyangzizhensdad]

i meant white/western audiences are slow to understanding the subtext rather than asian fandoms, when i was a kid i remember most asian countries didnt even have "kiss scenes" in movies or dramas, for us the "subtext" was normal for straight couples too (I've seen a few white folks think cql is a story abt 2 straight friends). the issues with the poor production and it has shit production coz of the budget but the drama wasnt supposed to be a big hit. also like how u just made it the "idol drama"  as if most kdramas and cdramas arent full of idols. I mostly agree with ur cql fandom hate too but to me it seems like u sometimes just want to prove that cql is worse than it is just coz the fans it brought in. I dont blame u either, I've seen some shit metas and the cql fans who hate the novel and call the writer homophobic are also funny. What makes me irritated is that the amount of hate cql gets on here is equal to the amount of hate novel gets, when the drama made alot of things possible for asian LGBTQ audiences. This is the first drama that my gay asian friend (who isnt out) watched with his parents and got them to fall for all the ppl and support the couple. Novels have our imagination in them but dramas need to make a lot of ppl happy and also keep censorship at bay. for me personally cql seems like it made it possible for alot of closeted kids be comfortable talking abt a gay couple with their parents, as novels are limited to a fandom. (Like I've not read a single harry potter book but I've watched 4 of the movies 😚)

I'm not trying to attack u but I'm trying to tell u that just coz the drama brought in a shit ton of weirdos in the fandom it still helped alot more ppl than u can imagine...

Hi anon, 

One thing where we seem to be of a different opinion is that criticising cql as a work of fiction, or highlighting the political economic context surrounding it, in no way negates what it can mean for people. I personally consider that these are completely different matters. These things often have nothing to do with the inherent quality of a thing, or even how good “queer rep” it is--they are relative to people’s specific and personal experiences, or a particular moment in the media landscape. All the things she said holds special meaning to me because it was the first time I got to see two women kiss on tv and it felt revelatory. I vividly remember sitting cross-legged right in front of the tv and refusing to come eat until the end of the music videos--at a time when I could not articulate why I was so fascinated by it. I know that this song is still meaningful for a lot of queer people my age, even if many people hate it for being a straight gaze fantasy. Regardless of what it personally means to me, I’m not going to argue that the music video is a masterpiece, or be blind to the reason why the kiss was included in that music video. CQL is very meaningful to your gay closeted friend, and allowed him to discuss wangxian as a gay couple with his parents, and that’s absolutely great. But I personally think it’s a little bit far-fetched to suppose that the same couldn’t have been said of any other live adaptations of a danmei novel who didn’t shoehorn in a het romance: if the timing had been different, perhaps the first drama with romantic subtext between two male characters he would have seen with his parents would have been Guardians, or the incoming adaptation of TGCF. Hell, H2O was so popular that they might have just watched that one together as well, even if the subtext “romance” is between two side characters. 

Let me be clear as well that I am not trying to argue that MDZS is this groundbreaking piece of fiction wrt “gay rights” or queer representation in China that changes minds and sways public opinion. It’s one of many danmei novels--it just is one that has a lot of literary merit. I simply think it’s disingenuous when people in the western fandom claim that a subtext romance is better “representation” than a canon gay couple who get their happily ever after. CQL is more impactful because it is mainstream, but it does not mean the representation it offers is inherently better. It is also ridiculous sometimes because the hurdles faced by a danmei authors vs the government-backed media giants who benefit financially from putting out censored version of their stories is just..... not something that should be ignored in my opinion.

Asian audiences being more used to romance depicted through subtext does not, at least in my opinion, negate the power of heteronormativity or compulsory heteronormativity to influence readings of that subtext by a portion of the audience. Chinese people are absolutely creative and innovative in the ways in which they manage to circumvent censorship, but a webseries financed by a media giant is not going to be a transgressive attempt to pull the wool over the censors’ eyes--at the end of the day it needs to be a safe investment. 

You seem to suggest that I am hard on CQL for being an idol drama but do not bring the same criticisms to other idol dramas. I find this weird because it’s not like I’ve ever praised an idol drama, and I know I haven’t because I simply don’t think they are competent works of fiction (although sometimes the camera work and editing is at least competent, compared to cql where the production quality is kind of poor). The closest I’ve come to doing that is praising My Mister, which is not in any way an idol drama, but which I suppose features an idol (IU) in the cast. When I said the first jdrama I watched was Hana Yori Dango, that was not an endorsement of how good it was--because honestly it’s one hot mess barely held together by the chemistry between the two leads--it was just a statement of fact. 

I am very critical and judgemental, I’ll give you that, but I don’t think that equates to “hate”. Yes, most of my discussions of CQL sprout from existing discussions within the fandom. But most of my posts indirectly reference or respond to something I saw. What’s the difference between me addressing a common novel fanon and me addressing a common opinion on cql’s virtues? 

TLDR; a work of fiction being significant to people is something to recognise but it should not preclude being able to discuss that work critically, especially wrt how it executes its story since the inherent quality of the work as art has no direct correlation with its impact, be it on individuals or on a specific media landscape. Moreover, the impact of a work on queer people or on the social perception of queer people is not inherently proportional to how “good queer rep” it is: it has usually more to do with the context (ie people don’t remember Brokeback Mountain because it was the best movie with a gay love story ever made until then--there was more at play). 

[coppercatwrites]

Jealousy - Mycroft x Reader

Pairing: Mycroft Holmes x Reader Word count: 575 Anon Asked: a request because u get what u fuckin deserve!! this ones for mycroft. mycroft with someone big age difference being jealous of him bc of someone from work? what would he do or say? ps your save me fic is really good

A/N: I am so sorry this didn’t get done faster. Mycroft is not my strong suit, but I hope you like it! :) 

Being Mycroft's secretary wasn't the hardest job. Really, he did a lot of the work. You pretty much just answered his phone calls and occasionally rode in one of his cars when it picked up John or Sherlock. The hardest part working there is hiding your relationship with Mycroft.

It was for your own safety that it was kept under wraps; however, it didn’t stop anyone from flirting with him. Mycroft didn’t care that they did, because he only had eyes for yourself. Because he didn’t care, he also didn’t stop them. 

It bothered you so much but you didn't think to bring it up to Mycroft himself. He'd probably tell you not to worry about it. 

On a typically slow day, you catch a younger woman making big strides to Mycroft's office. Two coffee’s in her hands. You could figure out what she was doing, and you decided that you just weren’t having it today. 

Getting up from your computer, you walk fast to meet up with the girl. You tap her on the shoulder. “Where do you think you’re going? I thought your desk was the other way.” 

The woman pauses and shrugs. “I thought I’d take mycroft a drink, now if you’ll excuse m—”

You take the coffee from her hand and take a sip. “That’s not how he likes his coffee. I would know, because I’m the one that brings him his personal thermos every morning. By the size of your pupils you're either really attracted to the thought him or it's the lighting in the office.”

She gives you a dirty look. “Are you two a thing or something? I’m surprised if you are because you’re a real bit—” 

You cut her off again. “That's none of your concern. I can't stop you from trying to advance on mycroft but as his secretary I can warn you that If you try to have a relationship with him, you will be targeted as his weakness. Would you like to get kidnapped by someone who’s out to bring the government down?” 

The girl's eyes widened. She shakes her head and turns to leave. “You bring a good point, but you’re still impeccably rude.” 

You angrily sigh. “Have a nice day.” 

The sound of a door opening brings your attention. “May I have a word with you, Miss (y/l/n).”

After closing the door, you sit in one of the chairs in front of his desk.

“What was that about (y/n)?” 

You stand up out of your chair and set the coffee down on the desk. “She was on her way to bring you coffee which you already have.” 

Mycroft smirks and crosses his arms. “Are you getting jealous?” 

“No” 

He smiles fully this time. “Oh, (y/n). I thought we talked about this?” 

You frown. “We did. Yet you continue to let these girls hit on you like you’re they're only lifeline.” 

“And why should you care about what these girls are trying to do? We both know their attempts are futile. If it makes you feel better, I’ll start saying something to them.” 

You huff and nod your head. He wraps his arms around your waist as you wrap yours around his neck. Your head resting on his chest. As he holds you, he whispers. “If I’m being honest, you are cute when you're jealous.” 

“Mycroft Holmes, I will not be ‘cute’ If you let that shit slide again.” 

[uncloseted]

I hope to be better one day. I believe in only two genders because I believe science doesn’t care about your feelings and I feel trans people are really attention seeking and always seeking validation always need to be included always need to be reminding people. I was born female and I’m not always included in everything and I don’t turn around and call people sexist and transphobic, sometimes u get left out cos that’s called life. I’ve tried changing I cant. I just keep my opinion to myself and just agree publicly with what others say. I know I am not a bad person but just wonder what it is that I don’t get it, I honestly think this is just me.

Against my better judgement, I'm going to answer this ask. I'm not entirely convinced it's a question that's in good faith, and the fact that this ask is in my inbox at all suggests to me that you didn't really engage with the nearly 4,000 words I've already dedicated to this subject, so I don't know how much I'll be able to add to your thinking here. But I know a lot of people do genuinely have these questions or questions like these, and so I think it's important to take them seriously for anyone else who might read this answer. If you really hope to "be better" or to change your views, anon, maybe you'll get something from this, too.

Science Doesn't Care About Your Feelings

So, you start by saying that you "believe in only two genders because [you] believe science doesn’t care about your feelings". What exactly do you mean by this? Maybe science doesn't care about your feelings, but science also doesn't support the assertion that there are only two genders. The scientific community is in agreement that trans people exist. The scientific community created the term "gender dysphoria", and it appears as a medical diagnosis both in the DSM-5 and ICD-10 (and will appear in the ICD-11). The scientific community supports the use of medical and social transition to alleviate the stress and discomfort that trans people experience. The scientific community views social and medical transition as an important tool to reduce the number of trans people who will die by suicide. None of those positions are based on "feelings". They're based on scientific fact- on findings that are testable, observable, repeatable, universal, and measurable. If you want to dig into the scientific research that has been done on trans identities we can, but I have a feeling that's not really where you were going when you said "science doesn't care about your feelings."

Are you talking about "gender essentialism", where your gender is defined only by the sexual characteristics you have? In your previous ask, you yourself seemed to me to be unconvinced by biological essentialism. Are we just arguing over the proper use of the words, "sex" and "gender"? Science views sex and gender are fundamentally separate concepts that are often linked. For example, the World Health Organization, an international, scientific agency of the United Nations, says that, '[g]ender' refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviours, activities, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate for men and women" and that "'masculine' and 'feminine' are gender categories." The FDA, a federal, scientific agency of the US government, uses "sex" as a biological classification and defines "gender" as, "a person's self representation as male or female, or how that person is responded to by social institutions based on the individual's gender presentation."

But even if you were to take gender essentialism to be fact (and to be clear, I don't think we should), the idea that there are "two genders" is still incorrect. As many as 1.7% of people have at least one intersex trait, and there are many more who don't have all the sex characteristics we associate with being "a boy" or "a girl". As I mentioned in my previous post, some girls don’t have a menstrual cycle (due to menopause, hormonal birth control, low body weight, PCOS, etc), but they’re still "biological girls". Some girls don’t have a uterus (for example, if they’ve had a hysterectomy), but they’re still "biological girls". Some girls never develop breasts, but they’re still "biological girls". If you take gender essentialism to be fact, what is your definition of "a biological girl" or "a biological boy"? Could trans people who have transitioned be considered, perhaps, "a biological girl" or "a biological boy"? Why not? And where do intersex people fit into that paradigm? Would they, perhaps, be a third gender, if we take gender essentialism to be fact? And if not, why do intersex people get to be "a biological girl" or "a biological boy", but post-medical transition trans people don't?

Finally, there are very much times where science cares about your feelings. The entire scientific field of psychology is dedicated to caring about people's feelings and understanding what they mean. So is cognitive science, and psychiatry, and frequently, neuroscience. Behavioral economics and linguistics care about your feelings. Even the field of artificial intelligence and human/computer interaction cares about feelings. Feelings aren't a bad thing. They can help us to understand ourselves and others, and to create systems that work better for everyone. Feelings prompt us to ask the right questions so that science can answer them with facts. In this case, the feelings of gender dysphoria that trans people feel and a feeling of curiosity on the part of scientists led to scientific research about gender dysphoria and the development of scientifically supported treatments to alleviate that gender dysphoria.

Trans People Are Really Attention Seeking

"Trans people are really attention seeking and always seeking validation always need to be included always need to be reminding people" feels like a strawman argument to me. It's just something that can't really be proven or disproven. It's a feeling that you have, but not a scientific fact.

I think it's also an example of a "relevant logical fallacy", or what's more colloquially known as a "toupee fallacy." The toupee fallacy is a type of selection bias where a negative trait is obvious but neutral traits are not. Its nickname comes from the phrase, "all toupées look fake; I've never seen one that I couldn't tell was fake," which is an example of this fallacy. You've never seen a toupee that you can't tell was fake because you assume the ones that look real are just natural hair. The same applies to trans people. If a trans person passes, you may not know (or notice) that they're trans at all. Or if a trans person "acts normal", you may not notice because you're only looking for "toupees"- trans people who are, in your view, "acting inappropriately".

Which brings me to my second point, that this is also an example of the Baader-Meinhof (or "frequency" phenomenon. This is a phenomenon where, after you notice something for the first time, there's a tendency to notice it more often, especially if it's something that makes you react emotionally. Maybe it's not true that all "trans people are really attention seeking and always seeking validation always need to be included always need to be reminding people." Maybe it's that you're noticing it more frequently because it bothers you when this occurs, but you're not noticing all of the trans people who are just quietly living their lives.

Finally, I suspect that if we were more inclusive as a society, trans people would have to talk about their transness less frequently. If people are consistently calling trans people by their deadname or using incorrect pronouns for them, of course they're going to always be reminding people that they're trans. If people are consistently excluding them, of course they're going to be seeking inclusion. This is anecdotal, but one of my best friends is trans, and she never really talks about it unless it's directly relevant. And I think she can do that because she's always respected, included, and just generally treated like "one of the girls" (because she is just one of the girls). I said this in my last post, but I think it bears repeating- the people who are most insistent on their identity being respected tend to be the people who have been the most hurt by people not respecting who they are. Being insistent about who they are is the only way they feel they can be recognized or seen. They're operating from a place of pain. And isn't that sad more than it is annoying? It certainly is to me.

But even if we accept the (incorrect) premise that "trans people are really attention seeking and always seeking validation always need to be included always need to be reminding people".... so what? Does being attention seeking and validation seeking mean that a person's rights should be taken away from them? Because if it does, a whole lot of Instagram influencers are about to lose their rights. Does wanting to be included mean you should be ostracized from society? I think we all want to be included in one way or another. We all want to be part of a community that's bigger than we are. Does always reminding people of you are warrant people rejecting your identity? If you believe that, you should never correct that one person you know who always gets your name wrong and just accept that that's your new name now. You don't have to like people who you find annoying, but you can't just take away their rights or deny them rights because of it.

I Was Born Female and I'm Not Always Included

"I was born female and I’m not always included in everything and I don’t turn around and call people sexist and transphobic, sometimes u get left out cos that’s called life." Isn't that a bad thing, though? Don't you want to be included in spaces that you're excluded from right now? Don't you want people to be less sexist towards you? Don't you want the same rights that men have? I certainly do, and I think it's important to fight for those rights. It sucks to be left out, but more importantly, it's damaging to be left out. Being excluded from spaces has very tangible financial impacts on people, even if you don't care about the very real emotional impact it has. I don't want that exclusion to happen to me, and I don't want that to happen to the next generation of girls. Whatever I can do to make sure that stops, I'm going to do it. And yes, that includes calling people out on sexist behavior. It sucks to have to do that work, but if we don't advocate for ourselves, nobody will advocate for us. And I'm lucky that I'm in a position where I can try to be an ally to the trans community and use some of the privilege I have as a cis person to fight for them so they don't have to do it all themselves. I know how much I would love for men to use their privilege to advocate for women in spaces where we can't, and I hope I can do that for trans people in spaces where they can't advocate for themselves.

Final Thoughts

So once again, this brings me to my final thoughts, and a few questions I would encourage you to think about. What are you really worried about here? Are you worried that including trans women in women's spaces will make it more difficult to talk about issues that people with female sex characteristics face? Are you worried that trans people will center themselves in those discussions? Are you worried that cis men will masquerade as trans women to infiltrate women's spaces with nefarious intent? Are you worried that you'll say something wrong or offend someone? Are you worried that including trans women in women's issues will set women back in terms of the progress we've made? Is it a general discomfort with societal change?

Once you understand where your emotions are stemming from, then you'll be able to address them in a meaningful way. I don't think that "this is just [you]" or that you "can't change". But I do think it will be hard to change your view until you know the reasoning- might we even say... the feeling? - behind your views. You're not coming at this from a rational, emotionless, scientific perspective, and that's okay. But that means that, despite my best efforts, I probably won't be able to debate you into changing those feelings. Only you know where those feelings are coming from, and only you can choose to change them. I think you can "be better one day", but you have to choose that for yourself.

Extra Credit

If you're interested in digging further into this topic (or if you're looking for a fun and educational way to spend thirty minutes), I recommend the ContraPoints video "Pronouns":

It absolutely will not dissuade you of the notion that trans people are attention seeking, because Natalie is, at her core, a fabulous performer who uses elaborate aesthetics and sarcasm to illustrate her points and to make her philosophy lectures more fun. But it does directly argue against Ben "facts don't care about your feelings" Shapiro in a rational, logical way. It delves into a lot of the topics I was talking about the other day and also a lot of the topics you bring up in this ask. Natalie even talks herself about how the polite, easy thing to do is call someone by their preferred pronouns, but that she wants to truly understand why people use the preferred pronouns they do instead of defaulting to them because it's "dogmatically the woke thing to do". In my opinion, it's a good video, but even if you don't end up agreeing, it's not that long, so try it out anyway.

[madmadmilk]

hey, im doing this on anon because I don’t want to be attacked, but i really don’t believe in this vaccine. not for dumb reasons, like “coronavirus isn’t real”, and “the government is trying to hack your dna.” but u have legitimate problems with the various covid vaccines coming out.

it’s been in the works for months, but most vaccines are tested continuously for years. it was rushed, and rushed, and rushed. it could have been made wrong, or there could be something it does to you later down the line. ( i’m not talking about autism, im not that kind of anti-vaxxer)

the coronavirus’ form is just like the flu. it had multiple strains, with different symptoms and different fatality rates. this vaccine, just like the flu vaccine, probably only covers a small amount of strains.

and, i simply don’t trust doctors. however, that’s only my personal experience, and i would never push that onto anyone else. however, people joke about anti-vaxxers being crazy and the stereotypes can be true, but the majority of them are just people who don’t trust doctors.

and to the original vaccine anon, that’s literally not true at all, lol.

no worries, thank you for sharing your thoughts and doing it in a respectful and productive way. ✌🏼 i don’t necessarily agree with you, but i can see where you stand!

don’t get me wrong, i also think it’s pretty insane that a vaccine has come out “so soon.” i don’t know much about the process, so i can’t dispute anything you’ve said but–– if it can even help a few strains or temporarily suppress it or help stop the spread, it’s worth it, right? the numbers of people who have contracted covid-19 is out-fucking-rageous, and we don’t have much defense against it besides isolating (though not many are actually following through with that). we’re talking about frontline workers, doctors, nurses, nursing homes, immunocompromised friends who need access to healthcare spaces,,, they need a break like this.

i also understand your apprehension towards /doctors,/ and i’m sorry that you have that point of view/experience with them. again, i can’t speak about it on a personal level BUT, this is a Global Pandemic™, scientists and doctors have poured all their attention and energy into solving this with the world watching so–– this is where we trust their word and their work. i doubt that they would globally put out a vaccine that /doesn’t work./

i think the greatest reality is that many of us won’t receive the vaccine anytime soon (but again idk how to tell time anymore so~). i’m not sure if that will come as a worry or comfort to many of you, but we are running short on solutions. just think about it: the entire world has slowed, only in motion because of those frontline workers, delivery, and teenagers working at grocery stores. we haven’t had the option or freedom to do ANYTHING, and so far there has been no other path available to us rather than to: get vaccinated.

just some of my thoughts 🤔

until then, wear a mask. socially distance. call your loved ones. wash your hands and keep an eye on the news. stay safe! 💐

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

were lonan and harrison in a relationship? could you ~maybe~ share a romantic (as romantic as them two can get) excerpt between the two of them?????👀👀👀🥰

OH so u want the tea anon, I shall SERVE. This will probably make more sense if you have context on the series (which I briefly summarized HERE) but I’ll try my best to add context as we go. Here’s a comprehensive breakdown of the entire relationship! TW: this relationship is a little toxic, so tread carefully, mentions of trauma, blood, also lots of old, sorta cringe writing in this one!

1. The initial phases

The boys have had a very complex relationship from the start. At the time, I was very young, so I hadn’t sorted out sexualities for any of my characters, and over the years, they’ve all progressively come out to me, which has been a really wonderful experience.

Lonan is introduced 1/3 way through book two, when the series was still very YA dystopian. When he appears on the page, he’s been Harrison’s coworker in the ~~government, so they know each other well. They’re also nemeses. They dislike each other fiercely, but it’s kind of endearing. Clearly they have a history no one knows about (including myself), whether that’s as friends, enemies, both.

At the time of meeting, both boys are in relationships of their own, Lonan with his first serious girlfriend Holly who is Foster’s (Harrison’s best friend) sister, and Harrison with his first girlfriend, Margo, which always didn’t work (because! Harrison! is! gay!).

2. Getting warmer

In book three, the boys still hate each other, but with even more passionate vengeance. Harrison is angry at Lonan because Lonan keeps ruining his life (does this sound familiar) and Lonan is mad for no reason (does! this! sound! familiar!). This is the book where Fostered’s protagonist, Reeve, finds out Lonan is actually her half brother, and this very much changes the dynamic between Reeve and Lonan who go from trying to kill each other to ~~bonding, which by proxy, changes the dynamic between Lonan and Harrison because Harrison is essentially an older brother figure to Reeve. They’re kind of forced to make some form of amends in this book, but don’t become allies until 1/2-3/4 through.

Big tea is that they take a solo trip together and this is where I first hint at the SHIP (ft. Harrison’s very kind nickname for Lonan: Loner). The squad discussing romance:

“Really Foster? With Loner? Oh my god, out of all of the guys in this world, you paired me up with Loner?”

“Yeah, well why not? You both seem awfully close–”

Foster on Lonan and Harrison’s relationship:

“You guys are practically a married old couple. You even have nicknames for each other…”

3. Making progress

In book four, the boys have amended their destructive relationship, somewhat, and are kind of friends! Between books three and four, we can assume they’ve gotten closer as Harrison seems to know things about Lonan’s past that even his sister doesn't. I’d say they have a pretty productive friendship at this point. Lonan, however, starts a pretty intense romance with a woman named Glenne who reappears in Feeding Habits, and Harrison finds a dog! This is really becoming too similar to what’s happening currently oh! Here’s the first moment where I began squealing at this ship:

The both of them lie on their backs, staring straight up at the ceiling. Blood pools from Ris’ nose, slicing his cheek in two. Lonan’s eye is black, tears still seeping from them in slow, agonizing lines. They don’t look at each other. They don’t speak.

But when I look down, they’re clutching each other’s hands, so tightly, the blood between their fingers drips to the floor. 

THE SHIP THE SHIP THE SHIP

4. The ship?? is it sailing??

In book five, the boys seemingly have gotten even closer! The boys have a lot of one-on-one time before the start of the book because they create an entire underground empire together lol but Lonan’s mental health has taken a dip for the worst as past traumas from book four follow him into book five, and Harrison is a big support. Their emotional intimacy has deepened, even if they are only friends (Harrison is single and READY to mingle but Lonan’s still in a relationship with Glenne).

Here’s a line where Reeve states “so haha Harrison is the only person who can make my brother feel better”:

I’ve brought Harrison with me. Not because I don’t trust Lonan, and what he’s capable of, but because I think, out of every one of us, he’s the only one that can get through to him when he’s like this.

I mentioned Lonan’s mental health is not doing great, and at its worst point, Harrison goes out of his way to do the difficult task of tracking Lonan’s mother, Izzy, down so that he can have more support. He pretends to reach out under the guise that he’s actually Reeve:

“Don’t tell him,” Harrison breathes, running a hand through his hair. “The last thing I want him thinking is that I gave enough of a shit to actually, I don’t know, care about him.”

“But you do, don’t you?” Mom laughs when he only flushes deeply, taking a final sip on her tea, which must be nothing but lukewarm at this point. “Seriously, Harrison, right? You two are such teases with one another. You bicker like a married couple.”

5. Harrison says I love you: 

(it’s in a funny context but STILL)

“See, this—this is why I love you, Lonan.” Harrison says, swipes the tears from the corner of his eyes with the heel of his palm.

“What did you say?” Lonan asks, and not even biting his lip is enough to stop the goofy smile that peels across his face. “Did you just use the L word?”

6. This ship has come to a halt??

At the end of book five and the beginning of book six, Lonan and Harrison are not on speaking terms. This is because everything seems to go wrong for everyone at the same time. Harrison keeps secrets Lonan wishes he hadn’t, etc. Lonan and Glenne’s relationship falls apart and no one is happy.

Here’s Reeve saying Harrison’s heart is broken over how badly he feels for Lonan and that loss of friendship (SOFT):

I always wondered with Harrison and Lonan, if it were possible to have your heart broken over love that wasn’t romantic... Harrison’s heart broke over Lonan’s torment.

Reeve explains the state of their relationship:

Lonan and Harrison haven’t shared a word since their fight. But we’ve all had duties to tend to, so they’ve still been forced to interact, but even then, it’s radio silence. Sometimes there are glares and scowls involved, but other than that—nothing. It’s the longest they’ve gone without talking, as far as I know. Ris and Lonan might have had a similar conflict when they were co-workers, but from what I’ve witnessed of their relationship, this is more than just a warning sign.

The two make amends after a few weeks of not talking because mutual friend of the squad, Darren, calls Harrison to be like “haha so Lonan and Reeve are disasters please help” and so their reunion is kind of forced:

[Harrison] knows [Lonan and I are] standing there. The involuntary twitch of his ears, the tense of shoulders when the weight of both our stares pin them down. He knows. But he doesn’t look up. He keeps his attention fixed on the bubbling eggs in front of him, the old red spatula that now misses its spot in the cupboard.

Lonan immediately takes a step back, almost knocks me over in the process. It’s not shock, it’s not anger, it’s nothing. Just a passive jolt that makes him clench his jaw, and pull himself together. His eyes, as usual, are safeguarded, prepared to launch back any form of advance.

“You guys gonna stand there for the next hour, or what?” Harrison turns as he says that, and it’s a sting, yet relief when he looks at me first, and not Lonan. “Seriously, you can talk if you want to. It’s not gonna bother me. You look lovely, by the way.”

Silence, but around the skin I peel off my lip with my incisors, I say, “Thanks.”

“Actually,” Ris unzips his jacket, throws it over the back of one of the chairs. “I was talking to him.”

At this point, we feel a few things: a) Harrison is done with Lonan and his toxic patterns but still cares b) Lonan feels somewhat suffocated by Harrison’s attempts to help and the relationship, though a little more civil, is still volatile.

Their second reunion again, is inevitable, which Reeve explains as the squad set out to rescue Foster lol:

Lonan’s coming with us too. That wasn’t my call, or Harrison’s, even. It’s mutual, albeit wordless, the agreement we have that we’d rather find Foster without him. Though his motives steer somewhere closer to wanting to avoid pissy attitudes, we both know Lonan’s of no use if he’s injured. And from the looks of his eye that’s gotten worse, crusted in blood, like a leaked pipe gooed over, and the lacerations across his ribs, sewn shut by my unsteady hand, he isn’t ready for a mission like this. But who am I to control him. I’m not his mother. 

7. Back on track?

Reeve outlines a false backstory for Harrison’s iconic leather jacket in the 250-word sentence from a few years ago (she’s in Harrison’s room) and we hint at an actual, palpable romance:

...pretend not to have a flask of whiskey hidden behind his headboard, drink out of it when he falls in love and drink out of it when he falls back out of it, meet a boy who will drink half of it with him, who will hurt him, and hate him, who will be pasted in polaroids behind the map he’s tried to cover him up with, who he’ll kiss and take a picture with, sometimes both at the same time...

8. Or not

But when she brings the romance up shortly after, Harrison seems a lil *tense* about it:

“I saw those pictures. In your room. Behind the map? I saw you. You kissed him.”

Harrison’s jaw trembles. Clenched by the joint, skin concave in the bone. Takes another puff of the cigarette but almost bites off the tip. Curls of the cherry wood table catch under his fingernails. 

Harrison denies his feelings for Lonan, tho from the above, we’re not exactly sure why:

“You’re wrong.” And then louder, when I don’t say anything. “You’re wrong. I don’t like your brother.”

 “Then why are you hiding him from [Emily]?”

From this, we can assume the boys had somewhat of a productive, healthy romance threaded through the end of book 5, and in sprinklings in book 6, though it seems to not be in a very hot place currently. We see flashes of this in the “mini” stories I’ve written about the boys (Lampshade, Fishbowl, and Mandarin).

9. Jump into Moth Work

In book 6, Lonan has a bit of a resurgence back into a bad frame of mind when something bad happens to his sister and he feels he could’ve prevented it. This leads closer to the present of Moth Work as Harrison makes the decision to take him to his father’s cabin on the west coast, a place he hopes Lonan’s mother, Izzy, will be. She is there, but unlike the first time in book 5 where she helped him, Izzy’s a bit far gone with her own problems, namely a drug addiction. Lonan is unhappy at the cabin, tho this decision leads us into Moth Work as the squad, except for Lonan and Harrison, leave the cabin for the east coast.

In Moth Work, the relationship seems to be teeming into unhealthy as both parties (but mostly Lonan) need to work on themselves. The entire book centres on this conflict as a) Harrison tries to help Lonan who is still unwell, while struggling to realize this is just something he can’t do and b) Lonan struggles with accepting himself and also being a better, accountable human.

10. Oh god here comes Eliza

Lonan is so hyperfocused on himself and understanding his traumas that he struggles to prioritize others over himself, even when he doesn’t mean to. This becomes really emotionally exhausting for Harrison, so in ch. 5 of MW, they physically split. Lonan winds up in Las Vegas, looking for Eliza, his father’s ex-girlfriend, and OH BOY does a bizarre, unplanned (for all of us lmao) romance ensue. This relationship takes a nosedive, even in its best parts because its foundation is laid upon mistruths.

11. Harrison is back

In chapter 12 of MW, Harrison, who’s been entertaining a romance with someone else in the interim, appears at Eliza’s apartment to make amends with Lonan who he can’t seem to shake off (he’s a pesky moth haha). This shakes them both as a) Harrison isn’t sure about Eliza and her potential motivations, and b) Lonan, without Harrison, most definitely knows he’s done hurtful things to “better himself” (which is actually toxic).

12. Lonan says I love you

Lonan realizes how important Harrison is to him, and while they both inevitably know their relationship isn’t going to work out, which Harrison hints at, they share a wholesome moment at the “beautiful place” which I mention in MW writing updates:

“You’re not coming back with me,” Harrison says.

Lonan takes hold of the guardian angel, and gingerly, like it’s fragile enough to crumple, brings it to his mouth and kisses it. His lip glints, just as the angel does, in the moonlight. He lets the angel fall, swaying like a pendulum, and pulls his hand back slowly. Quietly, he says, “I think I’ve loved you a long time.”

13. Inevitable split

Harrison makes the decision to not stick around for Lonan because he’s realized it’s actually unproductive for them both to try to make a relationship work in the state it’s in. Structurally, Lonan needs to change, and he realizes that. Harrison leaves Las Vegas to live with his mother and that leads us to Feeding Habits.

14. Where are we in Feeding Habits?

Lonan has been in a strange relationship with Eliza for about six months, and Harrison’s been living with his mother in NYC after a few destructive instances that prompt her to host an intervention. While Lonan learns a lot about himself and grows a lot in this book, Harrison struggles because I really think he’s hurting over the end of their romance. This is truly a hurt bae moment.

TL;DR: Lonan needs to work on himself & be accountable for his actions before he gets into a relationship with anyone, and Harrison has to learn when to keep his emotional spoons for himself and that he can’t control how much he helps someone, even when he wants to. In my head, I know where the relationship ends (happily ever after), but this is just the very, very beginning, so there’s a lot that both sides need to work out before we get there.

Since you particularly asked for a romantical excerpt, the last chapter of MW is under the cut. It’s imperfect but I think it kind of sums up everyone’s feelings pretty nicely.

--Rachel

Chapter 15: Summon Away

He sees Lonan once the next morning. Sitting at the kitchen table over a cup of steeped tea—something floral and springy. Harrison watches him from the couch and can’t remember at what point he fell asleep last night. He’s not sure if he even did—if all he remembers is Eliza leaving, and then a blank wall.

Lonan is reading the newspaper. Every few minutes, he flips the page so new cheap colours and words blot against his fingertips. Harrison doesn’t move at first. It’s easier to watch him. How in the trickle of morning sun, his hair is a damp brown. How his eyes take to that glow, their translucent sparkle.

When Lonan has sipped four times from the mug, Harrison finally rises. No sign of Eliza sounds, and he’s grateful for it. This morning, he knows what he’s doing.

“What is that?” Harrison asks, pulling back a barstool with one hand, while pointing at the mug with another.

Lonan glances up, and the two mutually analyze each other. Lonan’s puckered skin, how morning makes his eyelashes papery, like wings. He wonders what Lonan sees in him—for a moment, it’s all he wants to know.

Lonan knuckles the mug over and Harrison picks it up like he’s holding an eyeball. The tea is hot, though Lonan hasn’t seemed to mind, and its flowery perfume burns Harrison’s throat. Lonan pulls the mug back to him when Harrison’s done, and takes another sip.            

“I still have no idea,” Harrison says, and to his shame, studies Lonan’s face for a bite wound.

“Earl grey.”

“Sounds fancy.”

“It expired four years ago.”

Harrison gasps, and Lonan almost smiles. And for a moment, Harrison almost forgets where he is. What happened at this counter just a few hours prior. With Lonan, it almost disappears. They could be back at the cabin, needling through the woods on that first day they tried to get rid of the darkroom. They could be in the water, shielding, yet simultaneously pushing each other under. They could be dancing to no music in a tiny bathroom or driving for carless miles in the tarnish of rain. Harrison traces Lonan’s face, each line that etches his eyes, nose, mouth, hair, and he doesn’t stop.

“You’re up early,” Lonan says finally. “Did I wake you up?”

Harrison shakes his head. He clutches the edge of the counter and tries not to tremble. Lonan is pretending to read the paper. He tries to fill in a miniature sudoku game in his head, follow along to headlines, but Harrison knows he isn’t. Through the skin of the paper, Harrison watches him watching him. Harrison doesn’t know what he dreamt of last night. If it was a good dream. If he’d want to dream it again. If he dreamt at all.

“I found this article,” Lonan says, and turns the paper over. It’s not very long, just a small corner of the entire page, but Harrison sees the title, all bolded, Summer’s Dreaded Pesk: 10 Facts About Moths. He leans in closer to read it.

The facts are almost all useless to him—that moths like sweet things, that there are thousands of species, that many don’t eat, but what sticks out to him is the last: how they’re attracted to light. Harrison skims the text with his fingernail, reads something about light traps, and tries not to think of how unfortunate it all is—to move toward light and then stop moving altogether.

“What does it mean?” Harrison’s voice catches.

Lonan doesn’t say anything. They just watch each other, and then the article, alternating until they can almost do both at once.

Harrison looks away first. He inhales, and tries to steady himself, but when he knows he’s going to break, reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out the chain. He took it off last night and put it in there, and today, he unravels it carefully. He shoulders off his eyes, and in his palm, displays the angel. Its crystals beam in the sunlight that hits them both, and though it misses a jewel, has never looked more beautiful.

He almost says something but catches himself. He knows whatever he will say will keep him here, in this sun, on this barstool, reading the newspaper about moths, sitting next to Lonan, drinking his tea, never knowing what flavour it is. Harrison inhales, and on his exhale, unclasps the chain and drapes it around Lonan’s throat.

When the angel hits Lonan’s chest, a sound comes out of his mouth that Harrison thinks is almost animal. Harrison’s hand lingers on the back of Lonan’s neck when he clasps it, feeling the pulse of Lonan’s heartbeat, even from all the way up here.

Lonan clutches the angel when Harrison pulls back, and he doesn’t let go, even when Harrison rises.

“I’m going to grab a pack of cigarettes,” Harrison says, speaking to the ray of sun next to Lonan’s face. “Is there a gas station around here?”

“Just up the road.”

“Do you want anything?”

“I don’t think so.”

Harrison nods. Then he steps back, away from the kitchen, and slips his shoes on, one by one, more carefully than he’s ever done before. He knows Lonan looks at him. He knows what’ll be in his eyes if he looks up—and so he doesn’t. Harrison checks his jacket pocket for his car keys, and when they jangle, he turns toward the door.

“How long?”

Lonan’s voice makes him jump.

“Pardon?”

“How long will you be gone?”

Harrison frowns. “I’m just grabbing a pack of cigarettes.”

Lonan is the one to nod this time. He’s such a pretty sun baby, golden and capable.

“Before you go,” Lonan says, and closes the newspaper so it sits as a square on the counter. He doesn’t continue. All he does is gesture Harrison forward, his fingers weak as they curl twice—a beckoning.

Harrison takes a step forward. And then another. He doesn’t move closer than that. His head pounds; his heart bleeds too much. Lonan meets him in a place he won’t go, stepping out of his seat so they both stand in a patch of light that makes the dishware in the glass cabinet sparkle. Harrison says nothing when Lonan puts a hand on his cheek. Pushes a strand of his hair behind his ear, connects the dots of his freckles in a quick sweep because he’s done this before and knows exactly where they are. Harrison says nothing when Lonan kisses him. How his lips taste like the tea—a flavour he’s already forgotten, but that he knows. He doesn’t move. He just lets him touch, and touch, until he’s finished, until the lack of his mouth on Harrison’s finally feels like he needs it back immediately.

“A pack of gum, maybe,” Lonan says, and wrings his lip between his finger.

“A pack of gum.”

Harrison steps back. The sun is getting brighter now—it lights the kitchen like the lace on a doily, a warm glimmer like being underwater at dawn. He leaves the apartment without his angel, and keeps going, even when he wants to turn back.

 ***

Harrison buys the pack of cigarettes. And then the gum. And then he finds his mother.

She isn’t hard to locate. A quick question at the checkout counter, and he finds out the apartment complex near the public garden is only a fifteen-minute drive away.

It’s just as he pictures it. A white building, with a white lobby, the bricks white, the carpets white, the tables white. In little places, there are bits of gold—lining the keyboard the security guard types at, on the edges of every window so it’s only visible when the sun flashes.

In his hand, he holds a bouquet of roses from the convenience store. They’re cold and wet, and dampen his palms, but he clutches onto them in the elevator. When he gets off, he navigates through the hallway until he reaches her door—217.

He hesitates before knocking. Something in his heart is missing, and he knows exactly who, but he knocks anyway, two quick taps that he’s surprised she hears.

When his mother answers the door, she’s still wearing her pajamas. And they aren’t the pajamas he’d expect her to wear—no silks, laces, tank tops, fuzzy slippers. Instead, she’s in a too-big trucker t-shirt and a pair of wearing sweatpants. He doesn’t know why this comforts him. Or why this makes him cry when he hands her the roses.

He is swept into her apartment in a cloud of tears and he lets them fall as he collapses on his mother’s welcome mat. She smells like coffee, and clementines, and he clings to her when she holds him, when she pats his hair, his cheeks, his neck, the clamminess of her what he feeds on.

“It’s not going to last forever,” she says as she pats him again, on the floor with him now, crying with him now. And he repeats this: it’s not going to last forever, it’s not going to last forever, and he doesn’t know if this is supposed to be a good thing.

 ***

His mother has a balcony too. At it, they sit together, mostly silent, though Suzanna comments on the madeleines she unboxed for them to try ever so often, as if their flavour changes, though it never does. He can’t remember what he explained—it feels like so long ago that he arrived, even though it’s been less than an hour. He doesn’t know what he knows, if Lonan knows his trip to the gas station is going to be prolonged. His words were a woven mess when he spoke to his mother, of their messy love, of the unknown tea, of the moths, of so much more with that kiss.

Now, his mother massages his hand absently while paging through a book. He doesn’t know what book. It could say encyclopedia or academia, or amnesia—he can’t read it. She peeks at him too often, but he revels in it, the worry there, a care he doesn’t know how to handle, as if it’s fragile and wrapped in moth wings. Ahead, the city crumbles, and he can’t stop the pictures he sees in the clouds.

His mother reads. Harrison watches. A father and son down below, who take turns walking their golden retriever. A food stand vendor that hands a stack of checked tissues to a mother wrangling four small children. A couple who take photos in front of a cherub fountain, how he can almost hear the mechanical click of their camera from fifty feet up. Something stirs inside of him, at the thought of Lonan back in that golden apartment, and he only realizes what it is much later, when his mother is heating up something spiced and leftover in the microwave. The feeling like being buried alive and wanting to do it again just so someone can pull you out. A loneliness he sucks on until his mouth sores.

[cipher-dorito]

Askfffghhhhhhjjddd did u see mahua moitra's speech?

[(Before you guys start reading, a small warning - this post might be quite long.. please bear with me. And PLEASE read this till the end :)]

Okay. So, when I read your ask anon, I went to educate myself on the internet, and watched Mahua Moitra's speech. And this led me to ask the question "Damn it I am so frickin ignorant, I don't even know what the PMCares Fund IS!! "

So i went to my dad(he's really updated on politics and stuff, and honestly, I can get reliable info from him coz he is pretty disillusioned with the current state of democracy in our country, so he doesn't have any particular political bias.) and asked him about PMCares, coz I wanted to know all the sides of this to make a proper educated opinion.

Okay. So I am just gonna lay out all the facts I learned.

Basically, long back, Nehru created a public fund for emergencies, called the 'PM National Relief Fund'. It has a bunch of clauses, one of which states that it must be supervised/overseen by at least 5 people at a time - the PM, the Finance Minister, two more ministers ( i dont remember the portfolios) and (here's the catch) THE PRESIDENT OF THE CONGRESS.

Apparently, back then, it was inconceivable to Nehru that any other party could ever be in power other than Congress, hence the clause.

Now, the Modi govt has started another fund, called the PMCares fund in light of the whole pandemic situation. When i saw the speech by mahua moitra, i was informed that PMCares is not under RTI (Right To Information). So that is a giant problem for transparency. But then, the thing is, that RTI is a provision to hold the government responsible for it's expenditure. However, both, PMCares AND PM National Relief Fund are based on private donations, not government expenditure. Hence, they BOTH are not under RTI. However, the updates are regularly posted on the PMCares website, whereas apparently the PM National Relief Fund hasn't had a SINGLE meeting since so many years!

Also, apparently PMCares is registered, and PMNRF is not registered.

Now. These are all the facts I came to know. I can see that PMCares is getting rid of a few outdated clauses (like the one where a Congress president has to be there, inspite of the fact that so many other parties exist). And I learnt about the transparency thing, coz that is how even Mahua Moitra saw the sources of the private donations on the website. BUT. BUT. BUT. THERE IS A GIANT BUT HERE.

My dad put up a pertinent question, that even made me think.

IF THE CLAUSES OF THE PMNRF ARE OUTDATED, CONTEST THEM. GET THEM REMOVED.

What is the need of starting another fund? Clean up the mess in the PMNRF. Get it registered. Take off that Congress clause. If you wanna keep the congress clause, add the presidents of ALL political parties to increase transparency. Hold regular audit meetings. Make the PMNRF website better.

Creating another fund just complicates the process, and slows it down. And that is a major problem with the BJP govt. Many of their bills are quite good on paper, BUT the problem is, instead of cleaning up the existing bills, they end up introducing separate bills which complicate the process and the point is lost.

I am sorry that this post got a bit long, but this issue had quite a few aspects to be covered. The crux of the fund is not inherently bad, but the introduction of separate funds botches up the end result. I hope yall read this till the end. Thanks for the ask anon! This led me to learn about what's going on. :)

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

thanks for ur as always deepful analyses and answers ! another ask for u : im soo afraid in the next chapter momo will be homophobic towards ht !! I mean except Zzx who seems at ease with his sexuality, the other boys all seem kind of homophobic. Jy called ht repulsive bc he called him pretty while he was a guy, Ht is very agressive in his advances (which i linked to toxic virility which entails homophobia) ; then both of them changed for the better bc of their feelings for another man. 1/?

Good evening, dear anon-san! <(_ _)>

“thanks for ur as always deepful analyses and answers !”

I’m glad you’ve enjoyed them! Every time people send me questions it always makes me happy and to be honest, a bit taken aback because I’m just a little old me. But I’m glad my answers have had such a positive reception and given people food for thought. And it’s always a pleasant surprise when people feel like they can come to my ask box with their interpretations and strike up a conversation. <(^v^ )>

Homophobia is a very complex topic, and I wondered where I should start to unravel this ask. But soon I realized before I can even begin that I have to take a moment to sort out my own feelings. Whenever people say the boys in 19 Days are abusive or homophobic for whatever reason I tend to get ticked off. It’s a knee-jerk reaction, often sparked by my own bias, but something that can very easily cloud my answer and make it unfair for you. Exchanging interpretations and perspectives requires a level of objectivity and the ability to rise above your own bias. I can’t dismiss something just because it uncomfortably pokes my nerve. Instead, I should take a step back, try and see things from another point of view, and find some common ground.

I’m not saying I had to struggle to agree with you on anything but your ask certainly reminded me of how challenging yet rewarding it is to actually listen to an interpretation that differs from my own and try to objectively look at the story from that point of view. It hurts your brain at first but is surprisingly freeing in the end.

Because you addressed so many things in your ask, I will tie my answer together under the theme of homophobia and give it some structure that way. This will be my great 19 Days - homophobia edition. \(^v^)/

Sexual orientation and environment

Let’s start with the biggest context you brought up in your ask: social and cultural environment. I’m not familiar enough with Chinese culture to have anything definite to say about its attitude towards LGBT people. Of course, I’ve heard of the discrimination and even blatant hate by their government but I don’t have any idea about how ordinary, modern-day Chinese people view others with different sexual orientations. Not to mention, it’s always risky to take fictional works as an accurate representation of the milieu in which they’re set.

But I do think that 19 Days discusses homophobia in societies, though on a more general level. As Jian Yi has come to realize his feelings towards Zhan Zheng Xi, we’ve also gotten glimpses of his struggles. They’re surrounded by other kids in school, and from the very early chapters it’s been implied two guys being that close together or comfortable with that level of skinship turns people’s heads (ch. 53, 54, 55, and 57):

Of course, those panels also poke fun at the stereotype of girls being interested in cute guys being cute together. The girls stare, take pictures, and even smile knowingly. This bothered ZZX because it put him in awkward situations and created misunderstandings that would be embarrassing to correct. And the more he would try to deny and correct them, the more he would probably end up looking suspicious. But the bottom line is, he was increasingly conscious of the weird looks and attention JY’s antics were attracting and didn’t want people to get the wrong picture of his friendship with JY. All of that could give us some hints on how two boys being close might be viewed by their peers, but it should also be kept in mind that those kinds of “gay panic” moments are a big part of the humor you find in 19 Days.

Having a crush on someone of the same gender gets more serious tones after JY kissed ZZX (ch. 142)

The secret was finally out in the open. JY had carried his feelings in his heart for a long time. He had wanted to confess them so many times and often hidden them behind jokes and antics. Perhaps every time he had jumped to hug ZZX he had caught a whiff of his scent and enjoyed the feeling of him in his arms. But to take the definite last step of confessing and lifting that curtain had always terrified him. And who wouldn’t have been scared? Not only would you have to come out but also risk losing your childhood best friend. It could be JY had even thought of never telling ZZX about his feelings because it could go horribly wrong.

For a while, things are somewhat put on pause after the first reveal which I found very realistic. JY wasn’t flat-out rejected but ZZX most definitely needed a moment to sort out his own feelings. He pestered JY to be straight with him (pun not intended...) and made it clear it would be safe for JY to rely on him and free himself of the burden. Despite that JY was still very unsure if his confession won’t result in ZZX abandoning him because “gay” is abnormal and disgusting (ch. 164):

Even when JY finally confessed he was expecting to be rejected in disgust (ch. 209):

But he had sort of reached the point of just finally getting it all out even if ZZX wouldn’t return his feelings. Even if it meant they wouldn’t be friends anymore. At least he had said it. He had heartbreakingly little faith that their kind of relationship wouldn’t be completely doomed. Thank god he had fallen for someone like ZZX. I don’t think I’ve never been as grateful for a character like him before.

A tangible example of how Zhanyi and their environment collided was Xiao Hui’s character (ch. 158):

When she called JY a disgusting gay, it was the first time he was facing that kind of homophobia. Though her actions were frustrating, I think Xiao Hui’s character was a good addition to Zhanyi. At first, she lashed out both because she was hurt and publicly humiliated but also no doubt because she had internalized the idea that heterosexuality was the norm and anything else was abnormal and wrong. Later on, she had had time to lick her wounds and calm down (ch. 258):

She still has a crush on ZZX but even though she probably realizes she doesn’t have a chance she still wants a clear rejection from ZZX. It still hurts and stings but doesn’t upset her as much. It could even be she’s a little happy for them. I think Xiao Hui’s character is a good example that people are capable of changing and reflecting when they’re given a chance. And no one should be forever held accountable and punished for the mistakes they made and have since bettered themselves.

In a broader sense, I think Zhanyi also discusses what kind of future a same-sex couple could have in society (ch. 268):

That drawing on the wall is my favorite Zhanyi moment. As cute as ZZX drawing him and JY together was, it also carries some bittersweet undertones. The original drawing represents the norm: a boy and a girl in love but if there are no skirts involved, it’s a whole other story. To be open about their relationship would most probably never be an option for JY and ZZX. Something as simple as holding hands in public would take courage and threaten to complicate other aspects of their lives (school, work, family). They don’t have the same privilege as straight people to openly and safely share their feelings and have that universal experience.

Your ask was mainly about Mo Guan Shan and He Tian, but I wanted to take a moment to talk about their environment since you also referred to it. And the easiest way for that seemed to be to talk about the progress of Zhanyi. As you suggested, it does seem the society in which all of the characters live is very much heteronormative which puts pressure on the characters to fit in. And if they fail that, they will face homophobia and most probably feel the need to hide their true selves. Case in point, Zhanyi.

Boys being boys

As much as I know that phrase is deemed Problematic™ these days, I think it fits the dynamics of the boys of 19 Days. They mess with each other, and all of that is typical humor for the comic. Personally, I’ve never taken any of their teasing and good-natured bullying seriously because it’s how 15-year-old boys are around each other.

However, I just finished talking about the environment under which influences and discourses the boys have grown up. I don’t feel like I can ignore what I had just been saying and brush it off as “oh well, they’re just boys” if they’ve always been surrounded by certain attitudes. Does that mean the boys have also internalized those attitudes towards gay people despite having feelings for someone of the same sex? Does that make them a representation of toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia?

In all honesty, I’m struggling to answer those questions. On one hand, I do agree that society’s norms of what is masculine put a lot of pressure on boys when growing up. You have to act, talk, dress, and be in a certain way to be accepted, and it doesn’t take a lot for kids to internalize those ideas. And as you said, acting or looking gay (not to mention, actually being one) is probably the worst a young boy could be. Being gay is often linked to everything a proper man shouldn’t be: sissy, effeminate, sensitive, weak, submissive, on the bottom. The list goes on and on.

On the other hand, do I think you can see that in the four main boys of 19 Days? I suppose it’s possible if that’s the direction you want to take. If you look at anything through those lenses, you can probably find toxic masculinity everywhere. Do I think HT, MGS, JY and ZZX are homophobic because they possibly showcase traits of toxic masculinity? I guess. I don’t know. I see where that interpretation comes from, but some part of my brain never manages to make the full connection between those two. I’m constantly having a feeling that my way of thinking differs from your interpretation but I can’t properly validate or argue my opinions.

Perhaps taking a look at the examples you mentioned might help. You talked about JY being homophobic when this was his response to HT calling him good looking (ch. 108):

I can’t exactly deny that panel couldn’t be taken as toxic masculinity. I might even agree with you on that. I wouldn’t probably go as far as saying JY was being homophobic but it does seem like his masculinity was threatened or questioned in that situation. Interestingly, I’ve seen that phrase pop up a lot in yaoi/shounen-ai comics. Characters who are in a gay relationship don’t often feel comfortable with guys complimenting them - or even the guy they’re in love with. I’ve always wondered that. Does that mean there’s a level of self-denial in those characters or is it just a cultural thing? Does it embarrass them?

In general, I think all of that has to do with their age, and another good example of that would be ZZX and JY’s reaction to HT messing with MGS (ch. 289 and 298):

I’ve seen people calling those moments homophobic as well and can’t really agree with them. I would say those reactions have more to do with teenage boys being awkward and embarrassed. HT putting the moves on MGS in front of them is embarrassing and something they don’t wish to see. I mean, I wouldn’t want to see my friends constantly acting like that around me either. Seeing public displays of affection embarrasses me and makes me awkward as hell. (Though, I don’t know if that’s just a Finnish thing...)

In short, I see a lot of how the boys act around each other just natural to how teenage boys are. They mess with each other and standing up for yourself in that sense (for example, getting revenge, being physical, or returning the verbal teasing) is important and typical. That’s how I see JY’s words in the example you mentioned: he felt like HT was messing with him and shot back. All of that could, of course, be seen as internalized toxic masculinity, but I don’t think it’s quite as blatant as people sometimes make it out to be. I’ve always taken it as boys just being boys and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

What comes to HT being pushy and overbearing, I don’t see that being connected to toxic masculinity and making him homophobic because of that. It feels a bit of a stretch and shakey. Instead, I actually think HT is quite comfortable with both of his own feelings for MGS and the idea of same-sex relationships in general (ch. 187):

The little heart-to-hearts JY and HT occasionally have also show us that despite often making fun of each other, they can take it more seriously when needed. JY would have never asked about having feelings for another male if he couldn’t trust HT wouldn’t make fun of him.

The case of Mo Guan Shan

You talked a lot about MGS, so I thought I’d take a closer look at his character separately. You made some interesting points I’ve also been thinking about and was glad they popped up in your ask.

Since we’ve talked about toxic masculinity so far, let’s continue on that. You mentioned that MGS is prone to homophobia because he’s had to act tough. Upholding a certain kind of image is essential in gangs. Being weak and submissive - aka gay, as I talked about above - isn’t an option in that line of work.

I agree with you on all of that. Why MGS is so uncomfortable with HT being physical with him is at least partly because he can’t come across as someone who can be taken advantage of (ch. 250):

If he can be physically overpowered and made vulnerable, it means he can be submitted. In the masculine world, physical strength seems to be the final and ultimate law that settles all the disputes at the latest. And if you lose in that you’re on the bottom or at least lower on the hierarchy. Now, multiply that mentality by a lot to fit it in the world of teenage gangs and the borderline criminal underworld. So, yes, I would most definitely say MGS doesn’t want himself to be put in that situation. Much less anyone finding out about it.

Then again, the story has kind of revisited that idea when HT “joined” MGS’s gang and his underlings started seeing HT around more. And they seem somewhere between intimidated by HT and impressed their boss has managed to make someone like HT call him “brother”. That fits the same mentality of strength, but I can’t honestly see Buzzcut or other members of the gang giving MGS a hard time even if they found out about HT’s affections. Chances are, they would be even more impressed, bless them.

Overall, I think MGS lashing out (or being homophobic) is mostly due to him not trusting HT and HT slowly but surely wearing him out and making him see his own prejudice against people like HT. Yelling out insults has been the easiest way to fight HT’s affections, although it’s not proven very successful. It’s also important to remember MGS is fairly inexperienced when it comes to love and romantic affection (ch. 222):

He’s always been rejected and discriminated by his peers and over the years, he’s started to mirror that behavior and push people away. Having crushes (let alone having a girlfriend) has never really been a concern for him. And it’s not like he’s had time for something like romance anyway because working has taken so much of his time. In this regard, MGS isn’t that mature or experienced and tends to get uncomfortable and lash out very quickly.

I’ve already talked about the note and what kind of role I think it will have (if it will be addressed at all). And I’m not really worried about MGS saying something homophobic to HT. I think we’re way past of him being like “I don’t speak to a homo” at this point already. He’s been aware of HT’s affections for a good while by now and even tentatively warmed up to some of it (for example, the aquarium date and the studs). (Even though, I think it’s still too early to talk about MGS being in love with HT.)

MGS has come a long way, and I might even say he’s gained some sexuality-related maturity on the way. Slowly but surely, he’s become comfortable with having HT around, and if after all this development he would say something like that, it would be a pretty big step backward. Of course, that doesn’t mean he can’t throw insults and lash out but let’s not forget we’re talking about a purebred tsundere here. That’s always going to happen with him. <(^v^ ‘)>

And while we’re keeping it real, it’s not like HT would pay any mind to those insults. After MGS asked for the studs, I think HT’s resolve has only strengthened.

I hope this answer makes some sense, to me it feels like a bit of a mess of this and that. <(^v^ ‘’)> A lof of “I can’t deny that but still...” You really threw some hard questions and challenged my thinking a lot. Thank you! <(_ _)>