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random-ass-fanboy · 4 years ago

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My Snape playlist:

Here are 40 songs that remind me of Snape, if anyone is interested :)

Feel free to leave song recommendations for this playlist in the comments!

TW/ depressing lyrics and mentions of suicidal ideation.

Paralyzed- NF

"Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things, I know I should. I'm paralyzed. Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me inside, I'm paralyzed."

My Immortal- Evanescence

"You used to captivate me, by your resonating light. Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams. Your voice it chased away, all the sanity in me."

Horrible Kids- Set It Off

"Picture this he was just a kid, not knowing where to begin. He wore all the wrong clothes, followed all the wrong trends, persecuted for the things he did."

Lifeboat- Heathers the Musical

"Everyone's pushing! Everyone's fighting Storms are approaching, there's nowhere to hide! If I say the wrong thing, or I wear the wrong outfit, they'll throw me right over the side!"

Panic Room- Au/Ra

"The silence is so loud. The lights spark and flicker, with monsters much bigger, than I can control now. Welcome to the panic room, where all your darkest fears are gonna come for you."

Michael in the Bathroom- Be More Chill

"I am hiding, but he's out there, just ignoring all our history. Memories get erased, and I'll get replaced, with a newer cooler version of me."

Worthless- eli.

"I'm always so alone, even when surrounded, by people that I know. I'm always so astounded, by my ability to ruin everything. Losing friends and starting fires, everyone thinks I'm a liar"

Let Me Down Slowly- Alec Benjamin

"Don't cut me down, throw me out, leave me here to waste. I once was a man with dignity and grace. Now, I'm slipping through the cracks of your cold embrace. So please, please.."

Waving Through a Window- Dear Evan Hansen

"We start with stars in our eyes. We start believing that we belong. But every sun doesn't rise. And no one tells you where you went wrong"

Broken Again- eli.

"No one knows what it's like putting up a fight, for your life every time, now I'm losing sight. Wish that I had a way to make me feel alive. I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die."

Match in the Rain- Alec Benjamin

"Yeah, I can taste it, it's the end, this love's impossible to save. Though you embrace it, I can't face it, so I look the other way. There's trouble in your eyes, but I pretend that we're okay. I wish that we could compromise, but there's just nothin' left to say."

Snail- Cavetown

"I was just born like this. Wish that I could change it. Four peculiar limbs and a head that doesn't fit. Wish that I was still a kid."

Dissappear- eli.

"Carrying the burdens of the world up on my shoulders. Looking for the answers, maybe I'll know once I'm older. Need some time to recollect myself, please don't forget me. When I disappear next week, I hope you can forgive me."

Teenagers- My Chemial Romance

"The boys and girls in the clique, the awful names that they stick. You're never gonna fit in much, kid. But if you're troubled and hurt, what you got under your shirt, will make them pay for the things that they did."

Words Fail- Dear Evan Hansen

"No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts. Pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am! 'Cause then I don't have to look at it, and no one gets to look at it! No, no one can really see!"

Untitled- Mxmtoon

"I tend to forget, that I shouldn't fret. People come and then they go. At this point I should know."

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead- Set it Off

"I'm stuck self-torturing, my meds are failing me, internal clock in smithereens. Can't fix this. I'm hopeless. My eyes are stapled open wide, as I lay down on my side. I am bouncing off these walls."

Outrunning Karma- Alec Benjamin

"He's never gonna make it, all the poor people he's forsaken, karma, is always gonna chase him for his lies. It's just a game of waiting from the church steeple down to Satan karma. There's really no escape until he dies."

One Song Glory- RENT

"Find, one song, one last refrain. Glory. From the pretty boy front man, who wasted opportunity. One song, he had the world at his feet. Glory. In the eyes of a young girl, a young girl."

Good For You- Dear Evan Hansen

"All I need is some time to think! But the boat is about to sink. Can't erase what I wrote in ink. Tell me how could you change the story?

All the words that I can't take back, like a train coming off the track. 'Cause the rails and my bones all crack. I've got to find a way to stop it, stop it! Just let me off!"

Teen Idle- MARINA

"Adolescence didn't make sense. A little loss of innocence. The ugliness of being a fool. Ain't youth meant to be beautiful?"

Dark Paradise- Lana Del Rey

"And there's no remedy for memory. Your face is like a melody, it won't leave my head. Your soul is hunting me and telling me, that everything is fine. But I wish I was dead!"

Trying- Cavetown

"I'm trying to tear the wool from your eyes. But a part of me wants to let you be. 'Cause then you wouldn't see what I've become. I'm trying to shout, but no sound comes out. It's like we're in a dream state. But I should've woken up, woken up by now."

Wake Me Up When September Ends- Green Day

"Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars. Drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are."

21 Guns- Green Day

"When you're at the end of the road, and you lost all sense of control. And your thoughts have taken their toll. When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul."

Give Me Novacaine- Green Day

"Take away the sensation inside. Bitter sweet migraine in my head. It's like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind. I can't take this feeling anymore."

iRobot- Jon Bellion

"I am a robot, thoughtless and empty. Don't know who sent me, don't know who made me. Electric robot, everything's gray now. Numb to the pain now, I knew what love was."

Another One Of Those Days- Cavetown

"Passed that kid from chemistry, who made fun of my name. He didn't look very happy. I guess we all turn out the same."

Boulevard of Broken Dreams- Green Day

"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me. My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating. Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me. 'Til then I walk alone."

We Don't Have To Dance- Andy Black

"You're never gonna get it, I'm a hazard to myself. I'll break it to you easy, this is hell, this is hell! You're looking and whispering, you think I'm someone else! This is hell, yes, I am in hell!

Ribcage- Andy Black

"Nothing in the cage of my ribcage! Got no heart to break, like it that way. Nothing in the cage of my ribcage! Emptiness is safe, keep it that way."

The Run and Go- Twenty One Pilots

"I can't take them on my own, my own. Oh, I'm not the one you know, you know. I have killed a man and all I know, is I am on the run and go."

Fall Away- Twenty One Pilots

"I disguise, and I will lie, and I will take my precious time. As the days spent away, as I stand in line, and I die as I wait, as I wait on my crime. And I'll try to delay what you make of my life, but I don't want your way, I want mine. I'm dying and trying, but believe me I'm fine. But I'm lying, I'm so very far from fine!

Trapdoor- Twenty One Pilots

"He wakes up early today, throws on a mask that will alter his face. Nobody knows his real name, but now he just uses one he saw on a grave. And he pretends he's okay, but you should see, oh. Him in bed late at night, he's petrified."

Sad Song- Christina Perri

"I wish I wasn’t always wrong, I wish it wasn’t always my fault. The finger that you’re pointing has knocked me on my knees. And all you need to know is… I'm so sorry, It’s not like me. It’s maturity that I’m lacking."

Escapism- Steven Universe

"I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace of doubt. But pulled against the grain. I feel a little pain, that I would rather do without."

Semi-Automatic- Twenty One Pilots

"Night falls with gravity, the earth turns from sanity, taking my only friend I know, he leaves a lot, his name is "Hope". I'm never what I like, I'm double-sided, and I just can't hide, I kind of like it when I make you cry, 'cause I'm twisted up, I'm twisted up inside."

Screen- Twenty One Pilots

"I can't see past my own nose, I'm seeing everything in slo-mo. Look out below crashing down to the ground just like a vertical locomotive. That's a train, am I painting the picture that's in my brain? A train from the sky, locomotive, my motives are insane!"

March To The Sea- Twenty One Pilots

"Then the wages of war will start, inside my head with my counterpart. And the emotionless marchers will chant the phrase, 'This line's the only way.' Then I start down the sand, my eyes are focused on the end of land. But again the voice inside my head, says, 'follow me instead.'"

Migraine- Twenty One Pilots

"Freeze frame, please let me paint a mental picture portrait. Something you won't forget, it's all about my forehead, and how it is a door that hold's back contents, that makes Pandora's box contents look non-violent!"

#pro snape #snape fandom #severus snape #pro severus snape

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dear-jesus-memoirs-blog · 6 years ago

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Good things for me

Wednesday June 6, 2018

Dear Jesus,

I know you have big things planned for me. You keep saying that you’ll establish me and my family, that you will make a legacy through me. That you will elevate my family through me. I’m just a vessel. Here I am Lord, SEND ME.

I’ve been struggling this week trying to make time for your word. I still pray to you fervently, but the time I’m spending in your word this week, is slipping. I’m still even catching up on my weekly sermons. Brenton’s off school now and my schedule is changing. I asked, Lord, please help me make time for your word, and you immediately answered ‘wake up earlier’. I groaned in my spirit at the thought but made quick to thank you in my heart and appreciate your attentiveness. How blessed I am that my god looks on me so closely that he answers my prayers immediately. How many years did I go praying and listening and not being receptive enough to hear? Or praying and being so far separated from your will that I couldn’t receive your words? How long was my head shrouded in darkness that I couldn’t identify you in a room full of nothing but you! A year and a half now I’ve been praying deep in my core for your sovereignty in me, to become whatever it is you planned and not for my whimsies to get in the way. You tell me to pray for something specific I pray. You tell me to fast, I fast. If you tell me to jump, spin circles, touch my nose, Yes Jesus, I obey! Now you say there are big things coming for me. I'm dreaming big and you tell me to dream BIGGER. I don’t even speak it to anyone else because I know the doubt that’ll follow and this battle is flinging enough arrows. I’m walking on faith like eggshells. Knowing I believe in your promises and doing my best to ignore my own short comings. My big dreams already seemed unattainable, but now I’m believing for things that aren’t possible without Yahweh. Aren’t possible without your saving grace and your Holy Spirit inside me. I’m giddy! My help comes from the Lord. My hope is in you, because my god is not a man that he should lie. So when you say big things are coming, I know it’s true! You are beautiful. I love you.

I asked myself why should you focus on a housewife and stay at home mom. And I heard gently in my spirit that you came to save the jews AND the gentiles. The men AND the women. The mighty and the small. I am humbled to think, what can I do? But we can do all things through you, and it’s not about what we’re doing at all. We’re just marching on to where you send us, because the war has already been won. I obey you.

I have this sense that you'll prepare a table for me before my enemies. The big things that you have for me are probably even part of the table you’re preparing. I ask, please use it as a confirmation to the glory of Yahweh, to your existence and faithfulness. I pray it be gentle and not boastful, that it sows seeds and waters ground to better your harvest. I pray that these enemies aren’t really enemies at all, but people who mistakenly stood on the wrong side. Where you go, miracles and wonders ensue. Let it be, Lord! I pray Jesus, that at the sight of my table, others realize they can have a table, too. Hallelujah! Glory to my god who rewards the righteous and makes straight our paths! My god my god MY GOD, how blessed I am. How blessed. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Glory to my god.

I’m thankful, Jesus. Tonight starts the Sabbath. I LOVE the Sabbath. I know it’s part of Yahweh and part of creation. I feel a part of something when I honor it, and I feel closer to our Father. Setting aside a whole day every week definitely took some getting used to, but after doing it for a couple of months I realized how brilliant Yahweh is. Now a year later and even the thought of breaking your Sabbath turns my stomach and breaks my heart. Honoring it honors Yahweh. But it goes so much deeper. The connection to the Holy Spirit is so much stronger on the Sabbath. How many complex replies have you given me on the Sabbath? How many times have you prompted me to fast on the Sabbath? How many times have you ended my fast on a Sabbath? The heart strings are stronger on this day, and I’m so thankful you called me to remember this day, as the command says “remember the Sabbath”. I guess you knew we’d forget, and make justifications and apply logic so we wouldn’t have to remember. It doesn’t fit into our schedules, Jesus. It doesn’t fit into the rat race of working every day of the week, every moment busy. But Yahweh knows we need to rest. That this constant business is a tool of satan to keep us distracted, tired, and disconnected from you, so it becomes easy to justify that we don’t have time for your Word, or to give kind words to others. No time to make real relationships with less than perfect people, so we can stay on our high horses, further condemning ourselves. But the Sabbath keeps us grounded and renewed. It keeps us centered in your Word, in prayer and in worship. What a beautiful thing it is to worship. Your presence is WITHIN our worship. Where we worship, the enemy cannot be. Where the Lord resides is holy and the enemy cannot walk on holy ground. What a brilliant and beautiful thing! I’ll honor your Sabbath and love every minute of it.

Will you please tell me exactly why I have to stay away from caffeine? Is it just because it’s an addiction (idol) or does it have something to do with being of a sober mind? It seems like anything brain altering should be avoided. I don’t think you told me to give it up, but I had this strong conviction in my spirit that the need for caffeine was separating us. And my ability to receive you has increased exponentially since giving it up. Not to say I don’t ever have a soda, but I don’t ‘need’ it, now. On the occasion when I drink caffeine, I can still sense you, so it must be the fact that I was addicted to caffeine and not just that it was altering my brain chemistry when I drank it. It seems like everyone should know the stumbling blocks we have set before us, but it’s all trial and error.

I heard you tell me that not everyone can elevate with me when it happens. That I have to leave some people behind because they are not marked for elevation, and that they don’t choose you. They choose opportunity. Opportunity is just another word for choosing advancement in the world instead of the will of Yahweh, isn’t it? They’re stuck in holding patterns, like I was. I’ll do as you say. I pray that you keep them well and healthy and whole. I pray that you continue to give me discernment to know who can be trusted to be near my blessings, and who can’t. I pray that you break off of me what can’t withstand the fire, and make new your will inside me. I pray that you help me to give love and mercy and kindness to others at even a fraction that you’ve given it to me. I know the talents you give to your servants aren't to be squandered or hidden away, but to be multiplied and returned to the Father in bounty. I pray, Jesus, please help me to succeed in multiplying what the Father has given me through your grace. Help me to give it away. Yahweh said that’s why he’s establishing me in the kingdom. Let me succeed, Jesus. Let me succeed by the will of Yahweh, and your Word in me.

You’re preparing another table as we speak. It’s not a table specifically for me. It’s a table of a great feast where many are invited, but refuse to come, and later the feast is extended to the peons. You’re setting the table now, but the responses are slim. You told me to call to the peons and the strangers and unknowing sinners. I don’t think the invitees realize they’ve been invited or even that they've declined. I know they should know, but they really don’t know, Jesus. How can they be held accountable for this? There’s no real talk of it in the churches and your Word is being watered down as time goes on. Christians who’ve never read the bible are leading other Christians. I pray for your sovereignty in all those who think they’re yours. Open them up and make them know you, so they can be receptive enough to see the invite and prepare accordingly! Who am I supposed to inform? None of us know when you’re coming, but I know you are. I think more and more of your people are waking up to it every day that you're coming soon. It's easy to get an invite. Be a christian, walk the path, accept the invitation. You know, in some ways it’s difficult being a Christian, but receiving your forgiveness is easy, enough. When I needed you, I simply cried out to you, and I felt the moment you saved me. I knew it in my heart and said it with my mouth, and I’ve been saved ever since. I didn't know it then but your Word even says to do this (The book of Romans, chapter 10:9-10) . What we’re not told though is that we need constant repentance, time in the Word, and time in prayer to realize the will of the father and follow. All of this is in the Bible but when you’re new to it all, it’s a lot to take in. Who can read it all overnight? There's a difference between believers and followers. We’re not told that, either. How can we receive full time benefits on part time faith? I guess what I’m saying is I pray for mercy on those who haven’t responded to the invitation, and please lead me to the people of the highways and byways who you decide to bring to your table. What more can I say? I’ve poured you out and I thank you for your constant renewal. Thanks for staying with me and for fueling my every breath. Thank you Jesus, I love you.

#dearjesusmemoirs #jesus #yeshua #yahweh #god #christian #holyspirit #thecure #therx #healthy #bornagain #blog

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asarahworld-writes · 7 years ago

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@timepetalsprompts Doomsday free-for-all + @doctorroseprompts Doomsday month other Doctor’s getting involved

Notes: All recognizable dialogue (italicized) taken directly from ‘Doomsday’ as written by Russell T Davies.

“But it's like you said. We've all got Void stuff. Me too, because we went to that parallel world. We're all contaminated. We'll get pulled in.” Rose said, her brow furrowed.

“That's why you've got to go.” The Doctor looked at her. The computer said something, but Rose wasn’t paying it any mind. “Back to Pete's world. Hey, we should call it that. Pete's World. I'm opening the Void, but only on this side. You'll be safe on that side.”

“And then you close it, for good?” Pete. She’d forgotten that he was there. Rose briefly wondered when her not-father was going to leave.

“The breach itself is soaked in Void stuff. In the end it'll close itself. And that's it. Kaput.” The Doctor explained.

“But you stay on this side?” Always self-sacrificing, always trying to keep her safe. She’d told him that she was never going to leave, hoping beyond hope that he’d eventually believe her.

“But you'll get pulled in.” Mickey. He’d ended up to be friends, of a sort, with the Doctor. He’d grown so much over the last few years. Rose knew that she’d miss him desperately, but she also knew that staying with the Doctor was the only thing she could do.

“That's why I got these. I'll just have to hold on tight. I've been doing it all my life.” For a genius, the Doctor certainly could be thick.

“I'm supposed to go.” Her voice was thick with disbelief.

“Yeah.” His voice was dead.

“To another world, and then it gets sealed off.” He wasn’t going to do this her, not again.

“Yeah.”

“Forever. That's not going to happen.”

“We haven't got time to argue. The plan works. We're going. You too. All of us.” It was Pete.

“No,” Rose said firmly. “Mum, you go with Pete to the other universe. Twenty years without Dad, you have a second chance. To get it right. Happily ever after.”

“I’m not leaving without you,” Jackie said, affronted.

“Mum, you’ve got to. I've had a life with you for nineteen years, but then I met the Doctor, and all the things I've seen him do for me, for you, for all of us. For the whole stupid planet and every planet out there. He does it alone, mum. But not anymore, because now he's got me.” Rose turned sharply to face the Doctor. “And don’t you dare. Don’t you dare send me away, not again. I’ve been remembering things, bits and pieces, from the Game Station. You didn’t sing a song to the Daleks and they just ran away. You died, and it was all my fault, wasn’t it?”

“Rose,” the Doctor gaped. “We don’t have time-”

“No, Doctor, we don’t. Tell me the truth. I was the Bad Wolf, wasn’t I? All the times those words appeared, it was me, wasn’t it?” Rose pressed.

“If I say yes, will you go with Pete and Jackie?” The Doctor asked carefully, his voice flat.

“No,” Rose said fiercely. “Tell me the truth. I killed you, didn’t I?” Her face fell, her hand flew to her mouth. “I killed you,” she said faintly.

“No, Rose, but,” he was cut off.

“No, Doctor. Because I remember, mostly. Jack’s not rebuilding the Earth, is he? He’s dead.” Rose’s voice broke. “Jack’s dead, and I killed you. That’s why you’re sending me away, isn’t it? I’m too dangerous to be runnin’ about in space and time.” She waited for him to deny it. He didn’t. “That settles it. Mum, you’ve got to go. I love you, and we had twenty years together and then I met the Doctor. It’s like what I told you before, the last time he tried to send me away.”

Jackie opened her mouth, as if to protest, then closed it, nodding. “Of course, sweetheart.” She pulled her daughter in close.

“I love you, Mum,” Rose choked.

“I love you,” Jackie held her daughter a moment longer, then stepped back to Pete. Before anyone could stop her, she’d looped two hoppers round their necks and they disappeared back to Pete’s World.

Systems rebooted. Open access.

“Those coordinates over there, set them all at six. And hurry up.” The Doctor snipped. She wasn’t supposed to be here. Time was in flux, he could see new timelines opening up.

Levers operational.

“That's more like it. Bit of a smile. The old team.” Rose grinned.

“Hope and Glory, Mutt and Jeff, Shiver and Shake.”

“Which one's Shiver?”

“Oh, I'm Shake.” The Doctor produced a pair of Magnaclamps. “Press the red button.” He was about to say more when a gust of wind whistled through the corridor, accompanied by a faint wheezing. There, about two feet behind them, the TARDIS was materializing.

“I thought the TARDIS was parked in that loading area,” Rose said curiously.

“She is.” The Doctor frowned. “Time’s in flux,” he commented, sounding surprised.

A older man stepped out of the new TARDIS. “Rose,” his voice was distinctly Scottish, “in the TARDIS. Pretty Boy, shut up -” (“I didn’t say a word,” the Doctor protested.) “and allow me to fix my timeline.

“You’re me?” The Doctor said incredulously. “I regenerate into…that.”

“I’d forgotten how vain I was,” the man commented. “Rose, please go in the TARDIS. It’s the safest place you could possibly be.” His face was lined, but his eyes were ancient. Looking into them, Rose felt the same sensation as when she’d looked into the Doctor’s eyes just after he’d regenerated.

“Hello,” she said, uncertainly. “Won’t the Reapers come?”

“Time’s in flux. What was about to happen, what I’ve averted from happening, was not a fixed point. Which is how he failed to see it coming. Of course, I’m still changing my personal history, but,” he took Rose’s arms in his hands, “you are worth it. Always.”

“Doctor,” Rose looked into his eyes. “How long?”

“Too long,” was his only verbal response. “But,” he clapped his hands together, “that’s what we’re changing isn’t it? Exciting, I know, but Rose, you need to stay in the TARDIS. You’ll be safe there, even if the Reapers come. And your safety is paramount. If anything happens to Sandshoes there, he’ll regenerate. Not entirely certain what would happen to me after that, but that’s not important. If anything happens to me without something happening to him, I’ll regenerate. But you,” he kissed her forehead, “you, Rose, can not regenerate and therefore must stay in the TARDIS.” The new Doctor made eye contact with his younger self. “When Rose looked into the Vortex, she became the Bad Wolf.”

“I know that just as well as you do.” The Doctor said crossly.

“Jack’s immortal.”

“I know that too,” the Doctor hissed. “Why else did we leave him there? A fixed point in time held inside the TARDIS?”

“You know, but you don’t understand,” the Doctor said, his voice sharpened by his Scottish accent.

“Understand what? You’ve clearly had ample time to think this over, Doctor.”

“Bad Wolf left herself a key, hidden in her mind, to let her out of the box we locked her in. It was burning Rose’s mind, so we took it out of her. But in her wake, she left the potential to change Rose’s brain chemistry, to create a fixed point in time that was constantly in flux.” The older Doctor finished dramatically. The Doctor blinked. “Right now, if you look at Rose, her timeline is in flux. Bad Wolf saw this during the events at the Game Station and manifested herself a nice little niche in the back of Rose’s mind so that she could come back.”

“We don’t have time for this, Doctor,” the Doctor snapped. “Any minute, the Cybermen will be here and we’ve got to be ready to dump them into the Void. It’s our only chance.”

“Quite right,” the Doctor replied. “It’s our only chance. Not Rose’s. And if Rose waits for us in the TARDIS while we deal with the Cybermen, then we can help her.” He looked past his younger self to Rose. “But if you lose her to Pete’s World today, then I can’t help her.”

Rose looked from the older Doctor to her Doctor. “He’s you. I trust you absolutely. I’ll wait in the TARDIS, but you had better come back and explain what’s going on. Both of you.” She turned to walk back but stopped when the older Doctor called her name.

“In my timeline, I never had the oppor-, I never took the opportunity.”

“Opportunity? What opportunity?”

“Any of them. There were so many times that I wanted to do this,” he broke off, placing his hands on her cheeks. Rose looked into his eyes, knowing what he wanted to do.

“Doctor,” she whispered, closing her own eyes trustingly.

“I’ve missed you,” he said, kissing her forehead. “Rose Tyler. Now, TARDIS, go.” He smiled reassuringly, before turning back to the younger Doctor. The Doctor waited until Rose had shut the door to his TARDIS to speak. “Before you say a word, know that I am taking full responsibility for changing my own timeline. You know that Time is in flux, a fixed point is being altered. Yes, it was a fixed point in time, but not any more.”

“How did you change it?” The Doctor asked.

“Spoilers,” the Doctor replied, after a moment of silence. “The Cybermen will be – ” he was cut off by a Dalek.

“Magna-clamp and lever NOW!” The Doctor shouted urgently, his Scottish accent thick. The younger Doctor followed suit immediately. “Open the breach and the Void will suck up the Daleks and Cybermen.” The older Doctor threw something to his younger self. “Tie yourself to the clamp. If you get sucked into the Void, it’ll cause a paradox.”

“No thanks to you.” The Doctor gritted his teeth, tying himself up nonetheless.

“I’m changing my personal timeline, doing what you ought to have done in the first place.”

“If this works, you might fade from existence,” the younger Doctor spat. “Why would you,” he stopped, realization dawning on his face.

“This was the day I lost her. Because of my own arrogance and thick-headedness, I didn’t think clearly enough to save Rose. And even though she had a happy ending, a new beginning even, I am far too old and selfish not to save her if I can.” The Doctor said quietly. “And as for what happened after I lost her, well, I’ve no doubt that TARDIS will still take you where you need to go. Where I needed to go,” he said, clearly briefly reminiscing of a memory. The Doctor knotted a rope to his own magna-clamp, knowing that his lever would slip. He’d just gotten a new regeneration cycle after all, and he didn’t fancy spending it entirely in the company of Jackie Tyler without his TARDIS.

“How long?” The younger Doctor asked softly. “Tell me how long it’s been since today for you.”

“I don’t know. Twenty-four years on Darillium, two thousand years in the confession dial, nine hundred years on Trenzalore… it’s added up.”

“So why now?”

“Because it was only when I saw my wife for the last time that I realized how much I’d truly loved Rose.” The Doctor admitted. “I say wife, only because she said husband and it became a habit. River loved to banter, and who was I to deny her? Not when I was all she had left, because I lost her parents.” The Doctor looked up and saw the approaching Cyber-army. “Levers, now.”

The void opened. Daleks and Cybermen were flying past the two Doctors. Dalek Sec once more manages to save himself, but the Genesis Ark speeds into the void. The Doctor knows that the lever is about to slip and tests his knots. They hold. He closes his eyes, then lets go of the clamp. The lever falls. It takes all his energy to move it upright once more, but he manages. His rope is taut, and his arms are longer than Rose’s, and he easily reaches the lever, collapsing over it in a heap. Just as it did for Rose in his original timeline, as soon as it locks in upright, the suction of the Void becomes much stronger. He holds on as the Void seals, collapsing in a heap on the ground. It’s over. And Rose is safe.

#doomsday month #timepetals ficlets #timepetalsprompts #doctorroseprompts #ficandchips #tenrose #twelverose #doomsday

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a--musings · 5 years ago

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The good listeners.

July 12, 2019. People only enjoy my company because I offer them a place where they can talk about themselves incessantly and overzealously for hours. That’s all most people really want. Most people will jump on any opportunity to focus on themselves and hear their own voice, and can quickly sense that I will give them the chance to do just that. I am a very good listener; I listen because I enjoy understanding different types of personalities and figuring people out. I enjoy listening to people’s thoughts and perspectives, especially when they’re so vastly different from my own. It is interesting to discover how someone else views the same thing, and it’s fun to ponder how they created their frameworks. But I am most often left baffled because most people can rant for hours and hours without asking me a question in return, or even noticing that the conversation has been entirely one-sided the whole time. I am constantly having complete conversations with a person by contributing absolutely nothing. I often times can tell that a person is already forming their next sentence before I even get my first word out. I can see them detach as they become distracted by their own thoughts. It’s bizarre. I am astounded by the lack of awareness.

And that’s precisely why I stopped going on random dates with random men months ago. I am incapable of going on a first date that doesn’t last for hours, in which I am left absolutely unmoved and utterly exhausted by listening and nodding politely to the ceaseless monologues. I am astounded that these men actually believe the date was a complete success, blissfully ignorant of the fact that I simply offered a free 5-hour therapy session that allowed them to open up for the first time in their machismo world. But I get bored by the predictable eagerness of the pleads for a second date. They spent the entire time trying to convince me that they were worthy, but never realized they never put in the effort to discover if I were worthy enough for them as well. All I did was sit there and listen. At no point in our interaction did I ever show myself and open myself up. At no point was I able to express genuinely myself or give them a chance to become acquainted with me. How exactly did they know we had chemistry? How did they know were actually compatible? How did they know they wanted to see me again? If you replaced me with an unbiased psychologist, the interactions would likely be the same. Within two hours of meeting one guy, I knew about the death of his father during his childhood years, and how it altered his family dynamic. I’ll never forget the excruciating detail of every daily interaction one surgical intern had with every anesthesiologist. I still squirm in disgust when I think about the arrogant neuroscience research assistant, condescendingly explaining simple parts of the brain, and unaware of the neuroscience degree I already held, and that I had been a neuro grad student at an Ivy League university, simply because he didn’t even ask what I did. Could most of these men even name three things about me? Very rarely ever. They weren’t interested in me. They were interested in the opportunity I offered them to grant them moments of self-absorption and elusive preoccupation with themselves entirely. I was a place--a concept. I never felt the need to talk to them ever again.

But it’s not just dating. It happens with “friends” too, and it is just...draining. What makes it all so much worse is that when people talk about themselves, they rarely say anything interesting, insightful, inspiring, or new. Most people, I hate to admit, are really just not that interesting at all, and you can pry and pry and ask thought-provoking questions but you will still get nothing out of them. But that’s fine. I respect all ranges of personalities, and you can’t expect every single person to offer you something you will find useful, or even just entertaining at all times. Some people simply lack the life experiences or emotional maturity to impart any wisdom that appeases my curiosities. That’s okay. But truthfully, I can’t help but attach some kind of judgment to the one-sided, bad conversationalists who, quite frankly, just come off as self-centered. Some people don’t really have anything that speaks to my personal curiosities--fine. Certainly, I am in a totally unique environment full of heightened arrogance; these cases of flagrant narcissism have been different. But when a person is boring because they can’t talk about anything but themselves? When they come disengaged and their eyes gloss over as they very unquestionably search for ways to steer the conversation back to themselves? That is infuriating.

I can say that most people know significantly less about me than I know about them. I know more about friends’ family members, whom I have never even met, than these friends know about me. It wrecked me for a while. It disappointed me. It made me feel used and belittld, as if I don’t offer anything valuable but a soapbox for people to step on and declare their own self-love, or a place to hold someone’s bags while they stepped in the spotlight to shine and bask in their moments of glory. It made me feel uninteresting and one-dimensional, as if people didn’t want to spend time with the real me because nobody was intrigued by me. People were constantly drawn to me and found me magnetic solely because they wanted mirror to look into; essentially, that’s how it was. I grew incredibly, intolerably bored with humanity, and all the humans that consistently made minimal contributions to my life. Why didn’t anyone else have this problem? I would always watch people talk to each other, but they would always talked at me. Eventually I realized nobody has this problem because I’m pretty freakin great and unique in my ability to really listen and step outside of my own existence for a moment to give someone my full allegiance. I take interest in people and things outside of myself, and I understand people with empathy, and without passing judgment. I am effortlessly skilled at learning how people think and quickly figuring out how to communicate back to them in a relatable way. People talk about themselves so much to me because I earnestly prompt them to open up, and they might be forced to bottle themselves up elsewhere. I should see this as a good thing.

Very few people have the ability to recognize and realize moments of self-centeredness, or the ability to think outside of themselves. It has become such an admirable, rare quality for a person to be aware enough to know they have been talking so much about themselves that they’ve totally disregarded the interlocutor. It is such a rare, admirable quality to be peculiar and immensely curious about the outside world and everyone in it. That’s why when I do finally stumble upon a needle in the haystack, and finally experience a refreshing moment of interacting with someone who is both interested and interesting, I become absolutely enthralled by their company and cherish our relationship so deeply. I search and search for someone who genuinely wants to hear me and offer compassion. It feels like one in a million times, I finally feel the heartwarming sentiment of hope from recognized awareness and genuine interest in the other, or I finally hear the simple “but enough about me, how about you?” Those moments make me forget about the ennui of most human exchanges.

In writing this, I realized my shift in perspective, as I once thought these types of interactions represented a disparaging flaw in myself. Now I recognize that it is merely a reflection of a positive quality I have harnessed and constantly exude so naturally. It is so very healing to consider other alternatives that explain your experiences, as opposed concluding with the negative, insulting, and self-victimizing reasoning. Perception is reality, and I think the change in viewpoint both reinforces and reveals a growing self-compassion within me.

—a.

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glowyjellyfish · 7 years ago

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Okay, in the last three weeks, I have 1. caught up on Steven Universe, 2. rewatched a random scattering of Important Episodes, 3. obsessed more than is perhaps necessary, and 4. rewatched all the episodes in the proper order (including Political Power, that scamp. But not including Say Uncle, because non-canon.) I made a half-hearted attempt at examining the written Gem language (I require a genuine rosetta stone), I have read many theories, and I have some vague notions of possible theories and observations of my own floating around in my head. I’m not sure whether to try to keep this going because it’s so much fun, or if I should let it go and find another fandom to obsess over during the hiatus. In the meantime:

First things first, Lars. I love him to pieces. I mean, I already enjoyed him in all his teenagery glory, but then they went and gave him character development, let him be awesome, and killed him and brought him back from the dead! That’s a surefire way to get me to love a character. I am super on board for seeing episodes of Lars and the Off-Colors on Homeworld, episodes with Steven on Earth telling people Lars was awesome and collecting things to bring him, and eventually presumably an arc involving rescuing Lars. (and, while we’re at it, bringing the Off-Colors back to live on the Crystal Gem Farm Commune, because yesss) I also want to see him develop every single one of Lion’s powers, and when he gets back to Earth I want everything.

Secondly, Steven. Oh my god Steven. Talk about character development. Talk about Break The Cutie. When I started watching this show, I concluded he was the literal definition of a cinnamon roll, but there is a lot of heartbreaking nuance if you pay close attention and watch too many times. Basically he is just the best kid and I hate it whenever people make him feel bad or when he goes through terrible things he wants to bury or when he has feelings about his mom or when certain millenia-old space rock moms who should really know better rely on him to be their emotional center. I mean, I love it, because character development and feelings, but it also breaks my heart.

I also really enjoy when some of Steven’s powers are low-key and not really spelled out for the audience. Like his strength--that really snuck up on the show, and he doesn’t even seem to notice that anything is unusual with it. And, having just watched it a little bit ago, I noticed that even the Off-Colors were impressed with his strength, so he’s probably stronger than the average gem. I’m guessing it’s just the normal strength of a Quartz--or at least the strength Rose Quartz possessed--just compressed into a small boy. And--this one I gathered from a theory I read somewhere--his empathy. Magical, psychic empathy. Once you label that as a power, you can suddenly connect the dots between several random apparently different powers he’s shown. Connecting with people who are having particularly strong emotions in dreams? Knowing how the lighthouse gem felt without understanding why? Getting sucked into the collective consciousness of a billion shards who are all freaking out? It can probably even explain how he took over Lars’ body. And he’s clearly using it in conjunction with his normal, natural sympathy and compassion and capacity for understanding and patience, so it’s not easy to tell where the magic begins, but it’s very noticable once you start looking for it, and I love that.

Some observations regarding theories:

-I don’t think it makes any sense for Pearl to have belonged to Pink Diamond, at least not by the time of the shattering--at the trial, it’s mentioned that Pink’s court all said they saw Rose, in between the statements about her Pearl. If our Pearl ever belonged to Pink Diamond, it was hundreds of years before the shattering, and Pink Diamond would have to have gotten a new one since then. Therefore, it seems incredibly unlikely that our Pearl would have been able to get close, or that the statements about “where was her Pearl?” are actually referring to our Pearl. Possible, yes; likely no. I like the ideas about our Pearl formerly belonging to White Diamond, but so far we have little to no evidence that White Diamond was particularly involved with Earth, so why would Pearl even be there? I’m also not sure that Pearl’s appearance is any good as evidence, since we don’t really know how Pearls are created or how they are customized. Is there a standard Pearl model that can be altered by her owner later, or are they all custom-designed to match? Or both? We desperately need a Pearl flashback.

-I am 100% sure that Pearl was involved with the shattering, and was probably present. She doesn’t like to talk about it to the point of denial, Garnet said it was upsetting her, and when she was expressing her skepticism that the zoo still existed, she said “since we”. It’s not unreasonable to conclude that she meant something along the lines of “the zoo was probably destroyed, since we shattered Pink Diamond and it was hers.” Building off this notion, I suspect that Rose shattered Pink Diamond in order to save Pearl, or something along those lines, but without even knowing who Pearl was enslaved to when she rebelled, it’s hard to tell whether this is just crazy speculation.

-All we can say for certain about Rose’s involvement in the shattering is that she was there, and her sword could not have been the murder weapon, but whether she did it or not she accepted the blame for it. I think that even if she was not physically responsible, she at least considered herself responsible for it in some way.

(By the way, I like to think that Steven is more or less a reincarnation of his mom, and that therefore you can extrapolate her behavior from his. Accounting for differences in brain chemistry and life experience, of course. I’m not entirely sure the show agrees with me, but I think what we’ve seen of Rose so far supports it pretty well. So I think there is literally no way that Rose would have ambushed Pink Diamond and murdered her, even if the circumstances allowed it, even if it was the best way to end the war. I think Rose would have done it to protect someone else, or as a last resort and then only after attempting diplomacy and never as a surprise assassination attack, or someone else did it but she accepted the responsibility.)

(I also find it deeply amusing to imagine Rose doing all the Steven things, but that’s beside the point)

-I also don’t think Yellow Diamond is responsible for the shattering, although that’s mostly just a gut feeling that I can’t really back up. And I don’t know why anybody would leap to the conclusion that Pink killed herself or faked her death in order to somehow protect Earth; that just seems silly to me. Just because Pink wanted to preserve some humans in a zoo doesn’t mean she wasn’t on board with turning Earth into a hollowed-out colony. Those plans Peridot found were on her base, if I recall correctly. I could see her being sentimental in comparison with the other Diamonds, but she was still in charge of a colony that would wipe out the native population. Does Homeworld have a term with the same implications as Manifest Destiny?

WILD SPECULATION: Pink Diamond was killed by her Pearl. Our Pearl, who did not ever belong to Pink Diamond (but may have belonged to White, I haven’t decided), was once gung-ho about freeing her sister Pearls and was able to win Pink Pearl to the cause, but did not expect a Bismuth-like vehemence. It was covered up because it could not be well-known that a Pearl turned on her owner, and Rose and Pearl both felt responsible. ...I don’t think that fits entirely, but I like it, and it’s a different avenue of theory to explore.

-Finally, the timeline. I though before this rewatch that it was confusing and possibly contradictory, but it’s not that bad. You can’t exactly pinpoint when each thing happened, but you can get the gist of it and it makes sense. I mean, I thought Jasper had emerged before the shattering of Pink Diamond, but her dialogue in Earthlings implies that she emerged immediately after, which would make sense, the shattering would be a good reason to rush the Beta Kindergarten. I am actually more curious about the ages of all the townies, to be honest. How old exactly are Lars and Sadie and Ronaldo and the Cool Kids? Is Peedee older or younger than Steven? (...I like to think that he’s a little younger. Because it amuses me to think that he looks and acts like he’s a little older than Steven, but is actually a year or two younger than him.)

Whew. I am positive I’ve had more Steven Universe thoughts than this, but maybe I will recall them in the future.

#steven universe #steven universe spoilers #steven universe speculation

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