#the girl I’m currently in a fwb situation with picked me up and carried me one of the last times we saw each other and fuuuuuuuck

[ashthedestroyer]

Women’s shoulders. Reblog if you agree.

[fanficsofmine]

Selfish - Sehun Smut

By request - a FWB to something more Sehun one shot. I based it off of these fake texts that I did a while back. Happy Hump Day! -T

I was restless. I had been dealing with an exuberant amount of family drama all night. I was irritated and frustrated. I wanted a distraction, but none of the normal ones. I did not want to go out and drink my problems away. I did not want to go dancing with the girls. I paced around my room, my nerves buidling with each step.

Finally, an idea came to me and I reached for my phone. 

Send Text Message: Hey Sehun. You home? Receive Text Message: Yeah, but so is JM.

I huffed. My best guy friend and friend with benefits having a roommate was a huge inconvenience sometimes. I knew that he needed to be able to afford the rent, but I desperately wished he lived alone sometimes. It’s not like that was fair of me, of course. I had a roommate, too. She was home tonight as well. 

Send Text Message: Shit. I really need to get off. Receive Text Message: Yeah. Sorry. Send Text Message: You okay? Receive Text Message: Fine. Why? Send Text Message: You’re just being really short. You mad at me? Receive Text Message: Nah. Just not in the mood.

I rolled my eyes. I was definitely not in the mood for extra drama. If Sehun was going to be this way, then I was going to let him. I could settle for just a drink or two and retreating to bed for an early night. 

There was a knock on my door and I turned to see my roommate standing there. She was dolled up in a skimpy red dress. She had on a pair of my black stilettos. I did not even want to deal with the petty argument of her borrowing them without asking. I was too emotionally drained to fight with anybody else tonight.

“So,” (Y/B/F/N), said, “we’re all going out! Get dressed! Let’s go!” 

“Ah, I, um, I think that I’m going to go ahead and stay in tonight. I had a long day at my mom’s house dealing with all of this stuff with school funding and my dad’s bullshit. I think I’m just gonna stay in.” I shrugged my shoulders. Her face fell.

“I’m sorry that you’re dealing with all of that. I totally get it though,” she reached over and gave me a hug, “we’ll miss you tonight, but get some rest, okay?”

I nodded and waved as she walked out of the room. I raised my phone up again to text Sehun.

Send Text Message: Oh. Okay. Then I won’t ask you to come to my place instead. My roommate just went out for the night. Receive Text Message: Oh. Um... yeah. I’ll head over there actually. Send Text Message: You sure? You don’t have to. Receive Text Message: Can we just hang out though? Receive Text Message: Like, just watch a movie or go out for ice cream cones or something? Send Text Message: Yeah. We can do that, Sehun.

The good thing about your friend with benefits also being just one of your best friends in general meant that, no matter how you hung out, it was comfortable and fun.

His messages also meant that I could go ahead and put on my sweat pants and comfortable clothes.

I had made a bag of popcorn and laid out a few movie choices for him to pick from. Right as the microwave alerted me that the popcorn was done, there was a knock at my door, followed by Sehun letting himself in.

He was always a stunning sight. I had seen him dressed up in suits and dressed down in pajamas. Every time, he still looked perfectly stunning. Today, he was in jeans and a solid black t-shirt. His black baseball cap was nestled over his soft black hair.

He walked in and gave me a hug. 

“I’m sorry that you had a bad day,” he whispered as we embraced.

“How did you know that I had a bad day?”

“You went and met with your family. Generally that means that you had a bad day.”

I laughed. He knew me so well.

“I laid out some movies to watch. Wanna pick one,” I nodded in the direction of the living room as I went back to the kitchen to pour the popcorn in a bowl. I grabbed a couple of beers and, with a skillful balancing act, made my way to the couch. I set the drinks and bowl down and flopped across the couch as Sehun put the movie in. 

“Why am I not surprised that you picked The Avengers. Again. I hadn’t even laid that one out!” I threw a piece of popcorn at him and he laughed.

He came to the couch and signaled for me to sit up. He sat directly under where my head had been. I laid back down and used him as a pillow as the movie started. 

We started small talking over the movie. Since we had seen it a million times, it wasn’t an awful ordeal for us to chat during it. He asked about my family and I asked about his day. His hand started absentmindedly stroking my hair as we talked. He fiddled with the ends and twirled it. His other hand traced my arm up and down. I watched him bite his lip and furrow his brow as I talked. 

Suddenly, he jumped up, shifting me and catching me off guard.

“I have to go,” and without warning, he was out of the door. 

I sat in a stunned state for a while. Once my composure had been re-gained, I grabbed my phone.

Send Text Message: Okay. What gives, Hunnie? Send Text Message: You’re “not in the mood,” you come over, we have a good time hanging out, and then you just fucking bolt? Receive Text Message: I was going to kiss you.

The statement confused me. We were friends with benefits. Us kissing was nothing new.

Send Text Message: And?... We kiss all the time? Receive Text Message: Originally, I just wanted you to fuck me. Receive Text Message: Then I got fucking selfish. Receive Text Message: And then I wanted you to love me.

I set my phone down on the coffee table. That’s what his whole deal was. He had caught feelings. I covered my face with my hands and let out an agitated groan. This was against the rules. We had established when we started this whole thing that we wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize our friendship. If being fuck buddies was going to mess things up, we would quit. If either of us caught feelings, we would quit.

I had never told him that I had caught feelings shortly after we started. 

It had been the little things that made me fall. The sex was great, but it was also the way that he held me after. It was the way that he got up and got me a glass of water every single time afterward. He always asked if I was okay or if I needed anything. The sex was fun. His little tickles during position changes to keep things light. He drove me crazy in the best of ways.

I had not anticipated him falling for me too.

A little while later, my phone vibrated against the wood of the table. I saw his name flash across the screen.

Receive Text Message: You’re ignoring me. Send Text Message: I don’t know what to say. Receive Text Message: Because I ruined everything. Send Text Message: No. Because I love you so much. But I’m terrified to take it to the next level. Send Text Message: Fuck, Sehun. Things were good. Things were really good. Receive Text Message: They can still be good. Dammit, they could be better than good. But you won’t  give me the chance.

I held my breath as my brain made an impulsive decision and I typed out two words.

Send Text Message: Come over.

I set my phone down again. I saw him respond, but didn’t bother picking it up and responding. I started to pace across the floor. I nibbled on my thumb nail. It was a bad habit I had never broken. Whenever I became anxious, I bit my thumb nail. I never bothered to spend money on getting my nails done, because I knew this one would always get ruined.

There was a knock at my front door a little while later. Instead of letting himself in, Sehun waited for me to open the door. 

The second that I did, his hands cupped my face. He kissed me passionately. This kiss felt different than any other that we had shared before. There was an air of romance behind it. His hands left my face and pulled me close to him at my waist. He held me tight, as though he was frightened that I was going to pull away.

i did pull away, but only to guide him to my bedroom.

Once my door was shut, we were all over each other again. He pulled at my t-shirt and I raised my arms so that he could remove it from me. He repeated the action with his own shirt, and quickly disposed of his jeans, shoes, and boxers as well.

He sat on the edge of my bed and directed me to come toward him. I removed my sweat pants and panties and made my way over to him. I straddled him, a knee on either side of him.

“You are so fucking beautiful,” he whispered as his hands roamed my back. He kissed me deeply again as I slid myself onto his length. I always needed time to adjust, no matter how many times he had filled me. 

I threw my head back and moaned his name. My legs wrapped around him and we began to shift. His lips explored my chest and collar bones. Kisses, bites, and hickeys started to lace themselves across my skin. My hands raked through his hair as we rocked back and forth. 

If I thought that the kiss had felt different, the sex was practically brand new. We had been in this position multiple times. Today, however, wasn’t just sex. Sehun was making love. His movements were slower. They were more meticulously planned out. Every touch carried a feeling of tenderness.

The passion behind our current situation caused my orgasm to build quicker. I hadn’t anticipated an orgasm this quickly, but I also hadn’t anticipated to feel such an overwhelming amount of intensity and affection. 

He felt me start to tighten around him, and grabbed my hips, bouncing me quickly. The change in feeling from the gentle rocking to him quickly sliding in and out of my core threw me over the edge. My nails clawed into his shoulders as I came. His breath was ragged as he thrust into me a few more times before finding his release as well.

I traced my finger along his jaw line and brought his chin up for a gentle kiss. We stayed, kissing, still wrapped in each other, for a long time. 

“I love you,” he said, looking directly into my eyes. His deep brown eyes held my gaze, and I felt the worry of saying those three words for the first time radiate off of him.

“Oh Sehun, I love you too.”

A giant smile spread across his face. He squeezed me tight.

Normally, Sehun would leave or we would go get food after we had sex. Tonight, though, he pulled the sheets back after we had gotten re-dressed. He was in his boxers as he slid into my bed. He pat the side of the bed next to him and I crawled in. I rested my head on his shoulder. We didn’t talk. We didn’t try to justify or explain anything. We just breathed in each other’s company as we both drifted off to sleep.

[norman-reedus-gossip-mod]

Bulk... last one

Anon:I don’t think NR himself had to delete any hate comments (while filimg at the same time…). The (5 or 6) accounts hating on his IG were created solely to slander him. They got called out by a lot of people, they got reported by people like me for spamming and harassement. And the IG support deleted them rather quickly within hours so of course their posts were deleted, too.

Anon:I can’t help but think everyone wtf-ing over what’s going on with NR and DK is so similar to what happened when NR got with CS. Everyone was totally confused then too because he was spending as much time as possible with her while simultaneously denying her existence. I’m seeing a pattern here.

Anon:Since I’m new to all this “gossip”, I have a question about this anon in your bulk, “Sadly he is still in his fwb with her and the other lady who we won’t name out of respect even tho he wants more with her” OK, fwb is DK, but who is the other lady? Is it an old g/f? I’m so lost, help. ~~mod~~ not sure. try one of the blind gossip site its probably something to do with a reveled blind.

Anon:This is for the fans who comment “don’t assume things, let them have privacy, he has to keep quiet to protect her”. Read this carefully. It is FACT, not speculation, that DK pays paps and tabloids for those pics and articles. The pic of her leaving NYC was set up, down to her accessories. And the Barcelona pap pic. They could easily have privacy, just dont tip off the paps! She clearly wants to go public, he doesn’t. So NR fans worried about his privacy should take it up with Diane!

Anon:Wow, for fans of NR you all sure don’t give him credit for being a loyal friend. You think he will dump her just because a handful of hateful fans are hurt? What kind of friend would that be? And I will never get how you all KNOW she paid for the pap shots. Did you see the receipt for the job? Someone got lucky and sold those shots to TMZ. That’s all. Why don’t you let him have a life? She may not be someone who you would pick but you didn’t. He did.

Anon:I understand nobody on this blog likes to believe blinds but the truth is they have all been right all along and today they are saying DK was allowed to Spain on a drunk upset promise from Norman if she did not call the paps. She broke that promise. Apparently she 100% called the paps and there is stuff the source cannot reveal at the moment but something big went down.~~mod~~ its not that I or we don’t believe , it just something they are right, sometimes wrong, made completely up or is a combo of all of them. just like any gossip site. Grain of salt.

Anon:Hi mod, i have a question!! Daily Mail also published some DK pictures in Barcelona. Do you think she paid them?~~mod~~ possible or they picked it up from Just Jared.

Anon:I know your bulk post is already gonna be a little crazy, but the one thing I find odd is this. DK and N were seen like once together last year, if they’ve been hiding a secret relationship, wouldn’t there be more photographic proof? If they are doing the hippity dippity, it’s got to be a recent development. Am I extremely naive for thinking this?~~mod~~ not naïve at all. everyone has their own take on what they thing is going on based on what we can see

Anon:This poor guy will NEVER be able to have any kind of normal relationship with anyone. Most of these rabid fans, deep down, are shitting bricks BECAUSE THEY think they will one day have some random chance with NR. Seriously..what the fuck other reason is there? He doesn’t owe anyone one fucking bit of explanation. You DO NOT KNOW THE MAN AND WILL NEVER ON A PERSONAL LEVEL. No wonder he takes Cookie with him everywhere. Some of you sound fucking dangerous. I don’t blame him.

Anon:NR and DK have been spotted together more and more frequently in the past few months. Do you think it’s on purpose? As in their way to test the waters and see how people will react to their relationship? Or do you think they are just recently starting to see each other more often and becoming closer?

Anonymous said: DK may be awesome, she may be a b***h. I don’t know, but I do think NR is disrespecting her. She dated JJ. This isn’t her first time around the block. She gets the internet hate, it’s not new to her. She is worth more than Norman. She hasn’t hid her previous relationships. Why now? To protect NR? Ridiculous. She is hiding her idenity in a hoodie? He needs to man up and accept her. He’s not that famous. I say this as a Norman fan, but also as a woman.~~mod~~ fair point

Anon: Going through the comments on all the sites posting NR & DK fiasco.. the one consistency is that N is a drinker, has to be carried out of bars and this is as early as last summer. Lots of mean posts about his looks and hygiene and his love of the younger women at cons. I know he’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I’ve never seen this much hate that isn’t in connection with the whole affair (or whatever it is). Makes me sad.

Anon:I dunno about this. I don’t think Norman is lying. I don’t think he would put out an official statement saying they were just friends if he were going to be immediately caught in that being a lie just two weeks later. I can’t explain her behavior but unless they officially come out I don’t know if this is anything other than a publicity stunt going horribly wrong.

Anon: In which galaxy is it a bad thing to remove abusive posts from your own sm accounts? The entitlement is strong in these people. They want access to his private life, they want to dictate his private life, they want their abusive messages all over his sm. Jesus. They need to back away from their keyboards because this isn’t normal behavior. Its very ironic as they’re the ones saying he’s a terrible person yet they are spouting threats and abuse and having obsessive and intrusive behaviors.

Anon: Honestly, the reason N won’t admit to a relationship is because his ego is as big as his bank account. All the little girls will stop liking him and he’ll have no fans. Stop being a pussy Norman, own up to it and maybe you’ll gain respect because you were honest!

Anon: When Norman is silent on the DK situation he gets berated by “fans” saying he needs to man up and stop trying to hide. When he does speak up and his reps say they are just friends he gets accused of being a liar and trying to deceive fans. If he came out and said they were in a romantic relationship he would be dragged for having a bad taste in women and be called a fool and a cheat. He literally cannot win. There is no outcome that would make these “fans” happy. I feel so sorry for Norman.

sissibr69 : What did you want him to say in the press release? I like this girl and to have sex with her, who is also wanting, but at that moment we do not want to, or we can not have a commitment and we continue to have sex and see what will happen ….?You do not say that in a press release, you could only say they were just friends. If he had done that, he would have been unkind and mean to her.Normam Reedus likes so much of controversy, that we have in another site another rumor reserve waiting for us, with another person, who is a real novel and is connected to this.Talk bad, but talk about me. I think that’s the current relationship status of this couple.I like him, he seems like a nice guy. I do not think you’re a liar or a cheater.This is his best blog and Mod you are what makes the job more serious and free as a moderator. Congratulations! ~~mod~~ are you flirting with me sissibr69? I like it

hifilightslow: You are a saint if you read though those bulk posts. I couldn’t stop cackling. Those pics of DK are fab. I wish she would have went with the black glasses that have the fake nose and mustache though to keep herself incognito. Oh well maybe next time.~~mod~~ dead

Anon:Well, Feralcatpro has had some very telling IG posts since Sunday … can’t help but think it’s related to the DK/NR debacle. And I think HC put DK on notice by liking her pic. She’s watching you, DK.

Anon:So Mod, what’s your verdict after Spain. Do you think they are indeed dating and in a relationship. I think I am the only person who really does believe they are just good friends that hang out.~~mod~~ you not the only one. I don’t have a verdict. mainly because I don’t care, is that bad. whatever they are or aren’t doing it just looks weird.

Anon:Mod I think it was a publicity stunt for her. Ppl are saying that they were trying to hide and it’s not true b/c Norman took fan photos with DK there like he was showing that he had NOTHING to hide. The fans calling her his gf were just assuming that b/c he was with a woman. DK then goes and strolls the streets of Barcelona (which isn’t hiding no matter how much she wanted it to look like she was) so this sounds like a piss poor publicity stunt gone wrong and has made Norman look TERRIBLE.~~mod~~ he needs a nap maybe

Anon:Very interesting …. Helena liked DK’s throwback modeling photo. Wonder if that’s her subtle way of saying she’s watching her? Also, Liz has been posting some pretty interesting messages. Just an observation.

Anon:I wonder if Norman could give Diane some tips on how to give the paparazzi the slip? I mean he’s never papped in NYC at his place, Best Buy, where the f***ever. Fan pics sure but no paps. Diane apparently gets followed on her own street, doing her laundry every week, in NYC, LA, Spain! In fact the only time all year NR was papped for tabloids was while in a parking garage with DK…right after the paps had caught her alone on the street. Crazy, right?! Those paps sure do seem obsessed w/DK! 😒~~mod~~ is this sarcasm. are you making a funny anon

Anon:Maybe unpop opinion but what did Norman say or do in Spain that was shady? He said DK is “just a friend”. She was there/on his bike while he was with fans. How is that being shady? Meanwhile, it’s *Diane* who 1) got a NYC pap pic w/her luggage 2) showed on IG she was in Europe 3) Got her pap shot “hiding” in Spain 5) Has a deal w/DM for every article. Fandom: Ever wondered why there are never “Norman sneaks to meet Diane” pics or Norman-centric tabloid articles? Why the focus is DK? Wake up.

Anon:if you were lucky to be dating NR and it wasdecided by the two of you that being discreet is necessary because the celebrity status needed to be managed due to professional impact would you wear the same identifiable clothing that your were pap in NY in Spain while you were with him in public? You would if you wanted the world to know it’s me folks, DK. All the lies are now truths and then some. NR needs to get his shit straight. His publicist looks like a freakin idiot and lousy professional.

[marlaalcott]

I'm going to make a post about OCD.

Let's start with some very very basic background story on my OCD. I have struggled with this illness for a long time. I can trace it back to as early as age 9/10. I have no recollection whether it existed beforehand, but even as a child I could recognize that I was doing things that didn't feel "normal" without rationalized/logical explanation. I felt overwhelming compulsions to carry out the actions.

In retrospect, the earliest symptoms that I can recall aligned with the period of my life that my brother was in a near fatal car accident (that's a whole other emotional post in itself). Irregular thoughts and actions for sure started at that point.

I don't know precisely what age this began, or if it existed before said car accident, but I also remember having hoarding tendencies for useless inanimate objects. I shared a bedroom with my brother, and in it we had these 2 dressers that were stacked on top of each other (we didn't have a lot of space). The open area/gap that existed between the dressers became a storage place for me. I used to put a lot of stuff in there. Most of it was useless crap. For example: I remember saving wrappers from Spice Girl bubblegum and lollipops.

There was also a time in my early teens that I used to save transit tickets. I legit was able to pick up any given transfer, look at the time and date, and remember exactly where I went and who I was with. They held sentiment and served as keepsakes.

Fast forward through my mid teenage years. I seemed to have fought off my illness for the most part during this period. By the time I met my life partner in my late teens, he described my outwardly strange actions as nothing more than "quirks". Yes. He agreed that some of the stuff I did seemed strange, but not outright crazy.

In my early 20's I had a full on OCD crash. The illness litterally consumed my entire existence. The 2 people who were closest to me watched and stood by as my sanity crumbled like the Roman Empire. I was lost. I was a shell of myself. It was rock bottom at that point in my life. My own personal hell. Something I would never wish on anyone. I strongly believe this was also the catalyst for the demise of my romantic relationship. My illness drove away the one person I loved more than anyone or anything in the world. And that fucking sucks. (More on that another day!).

Anyways. Let's fast forward to the present. I have tried my best to keep it under wraps the best that I can since way back then. It comes and goes varying severity, but luckily it hasn't been anything nearly as bad as back then. I battle it every waking moment of my existence.

Now let's speed up to the past few days. An incident took place Monday night/into Tuesday, that I'm not OK with. I entered into it willingly. Nothing "wrong" happened per se, but fuck if I felt anything but wrong afterwards. Here's some more back story to my current life and the situation at hand. I have spent the past year and a half living in denial of my still existent love for my ex. He broke up with me last May, and we have had nothing short of a rocky road since. We are 2 puzzle pieces that no longer fit together (there will be numerous posts on the topic of my heartache in the future). Not too long after we split, I had a sexual encounter that I consider non consensual. I refuse to classify it as r*pe due to the intense ramifications of that definition, but what took place was certainly not OK. To say the least. (Side note, that guy is a douchebag). I didn't handle the aftermath of that incident well. I made an effort to seek the help that I needed, but it fell through due to horrible management who denied my request to go to hospital emergency (because y'know. My 4 hour shift in a part time retail environment was the most important thing in the world!). Ugh.

Time carried on, and I fought through each passing day with mounting hurt and emotional trauma that stemmed from the devastation of the loss of a marriage (essentially), and then the non consensual scenario. Somehow I've made it through the last year running from all of this fuckery.

Yesterday a snippet of the buried trauma came creeping back in. I turned to 4 of my close friends for consoling. It was needed. I gained 4 different insights to try and put the situation into perspective. At the end of the day the most important questions were "Why do I feel guilty?" "Why do I have so much anxiety?" "Why do I feel "icky/dirty"?" The shitty thing is that I couldn't answer any of these questions with any amount of definitive clarity.

I have learned a few things though: I am NOT ready for sexual relations with any new human beings. As it turns out, I value sex as more of a sacred and spiritual connectiveness act than I previously thought I did. My heart and body still metaphorically belong to someone else (even though in reality they are MINE). I also believe that I need to be in love and part of an established relationship before I can consider engaging in any sexual acts. I need a foundation.

I didn't get any sleep Monday night. (Half an hour in and out consciousness if I'm lucky). But fuck if my OCD didn't kick my ass. My primary struggles are "contamination" oriented, coupled with magical thinking (I'll make a separate post with a more in depth definition of magical thinking). When those 2 are combined, you get me as a result! And God damn it is hell on earth.

Here's what happened. And I don't expect anyone to understand any of this (unless you have OCD as well).

I came home and headed straight into my room (as I usually do) to remove my boots and socks. My dogs came to greet me and tried to give me kisses, but I denied said kisses because I didn't want "oral sex germs" on my babies. I headed into the shower, got out, and then continued to commence my usual after shower routine. Here's where shit started to hit the fan. I grabbed a cotton pad and sprayed my toner onto it to wipe my face, and BAM. Magical thinking contamination OCD brain kicked in! I thought to myself "I haven't brushed my teeth yet. The inside of my mouth is still contaminated. What if the cotton pad spread those still existent germs onto my clean face?". I tried to ignore my irrational concerns and carried on. I applied moisturizer and the rest of my face products, put hair product in my hair, deodorant on the pits, I peed, then I exited the bathroom and got dressed. When I was done all that I acquired my toothbrush and brought it back into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I finished brushing, I broke down. I used hand soap to rewash my entire face, but I couldn't shake the feelings that my face was contaminated. So back into the shower I went! 2 showers. 2 FUCKING SHOWERS. FML. And when I got out the second time, I had a hard time believing that I even brushed my teeth to begin with (yay magical thinking brain for being able to convince myself of untruths!). I got through it all and went out to see a friend, but when I got home my anxiety was still fucked and I felt unsafe in my bed.

I got lots of MUCH NEEDED sleep, but I still felt "scared" of my bedding when I woke up. That fear did not diminish with the sleep. Remember how I said I took off my boots when I got home? Yeah. My "dirty" clothes touched my bedding. *Gasp*

I was supposed to see a couple of close friends today, but she had to cancel. So I succumbed to my OCD! I full spiraled. Like I did years ago. I legitimately felt my brain unraveling into that same insanity. I recognized this place. I have been there before. And my biggest fear is falling right off the rails again.

After I was cancelled on, I didn't know what to do with myself or my day. I was also emotionally worked up and anxious, because I had just looked at my exes Facebook page (this is a form of self harm for me. Seeing his public flirtations with his new love interest, is more than I can handle at this time in my life). So into the wash half of my bedding goes! And then I hopped back into the shower, sat down, and cried under the running hot water while asking higher powers to help me. All in all I have rewashed bedding that was already cleaned not even a week ago along with some clothing (clothing that included what I wore into the hotel Monday night), and showered twice. Totally unnecessary, but fuck. At least I feel calmer.

I think my OCD is coming back into play as a control mechanism. My ex is building a new life for himself along with a new partner, and it's my mind's way of easing itself. Everything is falling apart (hopefully to eventually come back together), and my illness is resurfacing in attempts to regain some kind of power. (I'm scared of my toothbrush btw).

I believe suppressed feelings of my non consensual sexual encounter from last year also resurfaced yesterday. Disclaimer: This incident was with someone I know and trust. It wasn't "wrong", but it felt wrong for me. I am NOT someone who can do the whole NSA/FWB thing. I learned about myself!

The guy I was with even made a few comments along the way of being concerned about my fragility. Turns out, he was right! I guess he knows aspects of myself better than I even do. :(

Today was a huge OCD failure. I NEED a psychiatrist referral. I don't want to go back to my dark place.

[some-far-far-away-land]

Chesca's Current Status

I wish that every weekend could be as inspiring and motivating as the ones I have when I go to Toronto.

this weekend started off pretty serious and sad. Friday afternoon I had to talk to my parents about everything that happened with me after Reading Week. That meant explaining to them a bit of what happened between Thavi and i and the people who I thought would have helped me get through the break up, but ended up making the whole situation worse. I had to tell them how low my self esteem and motivation to do anything was. How I thought that I deserved to be feeling these things and the anxiety that I developed because of thavi and his actions. It wasn’t a pretty conversation and of course it had to happen at McDonalds.

After they left I met up with Jack and Jose for this party their friends were throwing. It was pretty fun and I got pretty drunk. During the party this guy I I’ve frequently been seeing messaged me if I wanted to go to Phil’s that night. Of course I said yes, even though I wasn’t expecting to go out. They got to Waterloo around midnight (they're from Toronto) and we got into the club around 12:40ish, so enough time to have fun. At this point I was already pretty tipsy and borderline drunk. We got drinks right when we got in and started dancing. I wanted to dance with him, him being Jacob. He brought one of his friends down and we coincidentally met his friends cousin at Phil’s. At one point they were all talking and I was dancing behind Jacob and drunk chesca wasn’t having the lack of attention, so I went and had fun myself and danced on the poles. I had so much fun by myself! I danced with some girls and kept an eye on Jacob but didn’t care so much, since he was with his friend and found girls to dance with. Couldn’t be salty or be like possessive since we are just like fwb anyway. Later on in the night I had to use the washroom, I was pretty wasted, the night is pretty blurry at this point. Someone stopped me on the way to the washroom and said “hey chesca” I couldn’t recognize who it was at first and then I realized it was thavi. I was like oh hi… thavi?! And then kept walking lol by the time it got to like 2AM I was pretty gone and my phone was gonna die. I started looking for my coat check ticket and I couldn’t find it. Also at this point I couldn’t find Jacob or his friend and I was like totally wasted. So I called a cab to take me home, Jacob joined me after and he was pretty drunk. We had our fun that night and he left with his friend in the morning.

I was supposed to go with them but I was pretty hung over and feeling drunk still when he woke up at 9am. So I actually got a ride to Toronto from Jack and his friend. Felt pretty queasy on the drive there. I hadn’t eaten all day and by the time I did eat it was like 5pm. I was supposed to meet with Sylvia earlier in the afternoon but she made plans with other friends prior too, so I met up with King and we went to dim sum, like we did when we went on our first date. We were supposed to go to the harbour front but the place we planned was busy since a jays game had just ended. It was nice to see him and catch up. After I met with sylvia and we commuted back to her house, which took almost 2 hrs from downtown. We had really good talks, she told me what happened with her and josh and her break up and the crazy drama behind it. We ended up talking till like 3AM that day. It felt like the old times and I missed having sylvia around to talk with and have quality conversations with.

We ended up getting up at 11:30am and eating lunch at her house. After we got ready we headed to PMALL! It was like a 30 min walk from her house. We got bbt, ate some good “street food” and we bought new phone cases! I got this nice sparkly one! I haven’t gotten a new case in awhile and I enjoy how new it makes my phone feel! I ended up leaving her at 5 because this guy who I had befriended from the Alex and Will concert wanted to meet up. It was supposed to be a group of us but everyone bailed but him. He said he was downtown and wanted to grab dinner. Our plans was to meet up after 7. That time comes around and I don’t hear from him so I decided to just walk around Chinatown and grab cheap buns at one of those Asian bakeries and read my book. I still don’t know what happened to him. I got back to my friends place around 9:30 and just stayed there, making my Spotify playlists and listening to music. Went to bed pretty late too.

I didn’t wake up till like 1PM. I’m pretty sure I experienced my first sleep paralysis situation that night because I had a very vivid dream where I couldn’t move anything but I was conscious. It was a really weird and scary experience. When I finally had control off my body I just forced myself to go back to sleep. I had the weirdest sensation while I was like frozen. It felt like a really strong presence was like hugging me like I’m on my side and they’re hugging me from the back, but it was like a squeezing feeling. I dont know it was weird.

Anyways woke up, and got ready to go get food with Celene. We ate in Chinatown and walked to the eaton centre and spent time at sephora and walking downtown. Commenting on cute guys that passed us and having quality girl time. I’ve never really spent summers in Toronto and after this weekend, I look forward to the adventures I’ll be having there in the next few months. I found a carpool for 9PM so I was just kind of chilling until then. Out of the blue this guy I had matched on tindr like 2.5 years ago (the same time I matched with Billy) 

 ---side story--- 

So this guy, his name is Patrick (lol so many Filipino's names patrick) I remember him specifically because the summer of 2015, when I went on a whole bunch of tindr dates, I matched up with him and Billy at the same time. I was leaving toronto and it was supposed to be my last tindr adventure and then when school started I was just gonna focus on school, work, and all the extracurriculars I was a part of. I ended up going with billy because our talks on the phone the week leading up to our first meet up were really good. Obviously we started dating and then patrick just ended up being another guy that I became friends with on social media. 

Anyways he messaged me, we hadn’t talked in awhile. We were supposed to meet up that weekend I went for the Alex and Will concert but man went too hard at the gym and had to cancel. I like how he asked me to dinner too. He was just like “have dinner with me!” Not even asking just stating it. I liked his confidence. I wasn’t expecting for this to pan out to be honest since the last two times we were supposed to hangout he flopped, for good reasons though, but I just felt like I wasn’t supposed to meet this guy for some reason. We met up around where my carpool was supposed to pick me up and we went to this really nice izakaya place. I honestly felt like a bum, like I was wearing a shirt dress and a hat because I was heading home and my hair was starting to get greasy.

So since my break up with thavi, I haven’t really felt romantically attracted to any guys. I’ve honestly just been using them to fulfill needs and have fun. I think I am also subconsciously not letting myself get emotionally attached because my heart is still healing and I don't think I can take another disappointment. That and no one really peaked my interest in like a relationship way, since my standards went up pretty high after all the drama that happened with thavi. The night before too I was thinking about deleting tindr and just letting God bring me a man when He thought I was ready. After meeting this guy though and hanging out with him I found myself getting nervous, a bit self conscious, and like I felt little flutters in my stomach. He actually had me feeling something, and in turn it got me acting different from myself. I felt like I really wanted to give him a good first impression, and not like just be half there. I even put my phone away and didn’t rely on it. I honestly haven’t genuinely laughed that much in awhile, my cheeks actually hurt. I didn’t feel like I had to force myself to like this guy, he made it easy. He was such a gentleman and our conversation didn’t lack, I didn’t have to push for it to continue and he had so much energy and things to talk about. It was refreshing. He ended up staying with me until my carpool. I was actually genuinely sad that the date had ended and it felt like the time went by super fast. Two hours felt like 30 mins.

Even though we didn’t meeting up till now, we’ve followed each other on social media and seeing his updates and posts about his life and personally hearing the successes he achieved in the span of 2.5 years really motivated me to get my life around and focus on those life goals and bucket list things I set aside in the 2.5 years I’ve been dating and absorbed in the guys I was in relationships with. unlike all the dates I’ve gone on the past 2 months this one I feel like it may go somewhere, but I’m trying not expecting anything. Just gonna see how it goes the next few weeks, while focusing on the things I told my parents I would be doing. He just kind of restored my faith in guys, that there are still good ones out there. He has hit a lot of my main criteria points so far too! 1. He’s older (25) 2. He can carry a conversation 3. His energy is pretty equal to mine 4. He is very career driven 5. He was funny and interesting to hang with 6. He’s Filipino so that’s a plus 7. He dresses well and looked like he tried to look nice for our meet up. 8. He also encouraged me to continue to strive for my goals and even offered advice!

After I just had this feeling that I know there was a reason why the other times didn’t work out with meeting up with him. Gods timing is perfect and he’ll bring people and take people out of our lives at the right time. I think this was the right time to have met him to be honest.

So yea after our meet up or date whatever you call it, I carpooled home, and got back around 10:30pm. I dont know why I wanted to document this weekend. I guess it was one of first weekends where I didn’t feel like escaping, I just wanted to go to have fun. My main reason was to be with sylvia as she helped me out a lot with my break up so I wanted to show her the same support. She’s doing a lot better then I was 2 weeks into the break up that’s for sure. Anyways imma end it here, I have work at 8am and it’s 3:30am 😅