#the fuck jack quaid cinematic universe

[bellamuertes]

SCREAM (2022) | dir. Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett COMPANION (2025) | dir. Drew Hancock

[lonelywretchjervistetch]

My DC Cinematic Universe: Superman (Epilogue)

Epilogue: My Adventures with Superman

...Well, holy shit. Just when I was getting worried that nobody would get Superman, along comes one of the best comic-book related products we've seen in years, which delivers me so much of the stuff I wanted in a cinematic version of Superman...and is almost perfect. Yeah, it's definitely not perfect, but goddamn if this isn't one of my ideal versions of Superman.

Y'know, I've considered doing sort of a sum-up of the different major adaptations of the Superman mythos by bringing together all the points made in my essays, but I felt it was too much. For this, however, I think that makes sense. And yes, I'm doing this after only 4 episodes have aired, and yes, I realize that what just happened in the most recent episode is fucking insane and something I desperately want in a Superman story...but I'll at least cover my personal approach, since this show's kinda hot right now. And rarely do I have the chance to jump on a burgeoning fandom, so FUCK IT!

If you'd like to see my previous and insane essays on my preferred version of the Man of Steel, here's the link! Always. Be. Plugging. But if you'd rather hear my opinion of My Adventures with Superman, then check out the section after the jump. But just know that I like it, with a couple of caveats that you've probably already heard about this show.

Clark Kent: Abnormal Superman

Um...did somebody read my essays before I even thought about them, because this is pretty goddamn close to my ideal Clark Kent. He's a big ol' dork with a heart of god who wants to do the right thing, but is also nowhere near perfect in his everyday life and methods. He's a teensy bit clumsy, but still very well-put together. He wants to help when and how he can, and is willing to go along with shenanigans to do so. He has an actual personality, and most importantly, he feels human.

Yeah, this is a dude from Kansas who also happens to be an alien. And good goddamn, is scaling down his powers and knowledge of his past a great idea. Smallville, of course, did this, but that version of Clark was often too serious and rough around the edges. And maybe most importantly, Tom Welling's Clark never seemed like an outcast. I mean, the dude was handsome as all fuck, and built like a linebacker. And yet, I'm supposed to buy that the guy is a loser and outcast? Yeah, no, not buying it. But this Clark? Yeah, the guy's a massive dork. Handsome and built like a fucking freight train, yeah, but still a dork. And maybe most importantly...I don't buy this dude as Superman.

Yeah. Really. I mean, dude is OBVIOUSLY Superman, because he's built like a tank and super nice, but I get not fully seeing this guy as Superman. Somehow, FUCKING SOMEHOW, they pull this off better than literally any other version I've seen since the Christopher Reeves version. And yeah, that's insanely high praise, because Reeves has some of the best dichotomous acting I've ever seen. But this Superman and this Clark both seem like the same person and separate people at the same time somehow. It's an impressive feat that I can barely explain.

And yet...they're still definitely the same person. Any sane person would be able to figure it out eventually, with enough personal interaction. It's one of the reasons why the glasses joke exists, because it really shouldn't make much sense. But in this series, the glasses actually change the shape of his pace, and slight changes in his posture and voice (by the pretty great Jack Quaid) actually do work as a subtle mask for the character. But will that last forever? Well...more on that later.

I also said this before, but I love the fact that we're learning about Clark and his powers as he's learning about himself. This series is obviously anime-inspired, and it really leans into the shonen angle thematically and visually. When the first art for this show came out, I was intrigued but cautious. Now, though, I'm into it. We'll see how the more anime-esque electrical powers work out, but it actually seems like a reference to the sporadically used bioelectric field manipulation ability that Superman has in the comics. Yeah, he has a field of bioelectricity around his body that provides him (and his costume) with invulnerability, and also occasionally gives him plot-convenience powers. Don't ask questions, OK? It's a comic book thing.

Speaking of that, though, the creators are definitely playing fast and loose with the Superman mythos, and I'm interested to see exactly how that plays out as the series continues. I'm a little cautious for reasons to be addressed later, but I'm still quite interested. So, now that we've covered Superman, whom I think is fantastic in his characterization...let's get to the character who I think is excellently represented in this series.

Lois Lane: Intrepid (Intern) Reporter

Jesus Christ, this is a great Lois. There are a lot of ways you can do a good Lois, and there are a number of great Loises, but MAWS' Lois ranks extremely high on that list. Dogged to the point of recklessness, determined to get the truth at all costs, and desperate to be a great reporter, she has the stuff that makes any great Lois. But what really puts her over the edge for me is her characterization. Alice Lee does a fantastic job as Lois' voice, and gives her a mix of naivete, determination, and...oddly, hope. I dunno, there's something about Lee's portrayal that really works for me.

And a lot of people have pointed out two things. One, she's basically Lux from The Owl House. Yeah. And? Fucking and? Luz is a fantastic character in her own right, and very Lois Lane-esque. Personally, I think that's a great and worthy comparison for any version of Luz. Secondly, she's a tomboy. And I think most people on Tumblr are fine with that, but I also see some criticism for that choice. And for those who don't like that...fuck off a little bit. Not a lot, but a little bit. There's nothing wrong with a slightly more tomboyish Lois, and I actually adore a Lois who isn't a damsel in distress all the time. She literally fights some of the bad guys in this series, and we're only four episodes in! Seriously, I love that. And she is occasionally in distress, but she gets into that shit herself, which is exactly what Lois Lane is supposed to do. Look, I love this Lois. Oh, and another thing!

Is Lois Korean? Holy shit, that's fantastic! I said in my second essay that Lois is one of those characters who isn't racially bound in any way. There, I suggested that she could be played by a Latina, which has been hinted at before in some comics. But honestly, this is a great choice! And I only say Korean because, in the most recent episode, she appears to be wearing the top half of a hanbok, which is a traditionally Korean dress. And yeah, I'm fully here for it. Don't know if she's mixed or not (we'll probably see Sam Lane at a later date), but this is great all on its own.

And then, there's the other thing: Lois' position as Superman's Inevitable Love Interest. The ILE is, of course, a tradition in all things superhero comic, and Lois is arguably the first and most famous of all ILEs. Like Thanos before her, she is truly inevitable, and that seems to be at the center of this series. Oh, and at this point...sort of SPOILERS AHEAD??? I mean, come on, this was obviously gonna happen.

By the end of episode 4, these two are clearly romantically interested in each other. Hell, by the end of episode 1, these two are interested in each other. And can I just say that's they're hands fucking down the most adorable Clark and Lois I've ever fucking seen? I mean it, they're the best version of this couple in live-action media, and I can actually see them becoming the comic book versions of that couple.

As a quick compare and contrast of the most notable versions:

Reeves and Kidder were great, but the movies never actually committed in having them be a couple. They actively made sure it wouldn't happen a couple of times, to much irritation, and their relationship never truly blossomed, which was based on the comics at the time.

Fuck Dean Cain...but Cain and Hatcher were pretty good as a couple, pre-and-post-marriage. Which, again, was a part of comics at the time, so it makes sense. Even then, I wouldn't call them particularly cute, just more of a relatively normal couple.

Don't get me wrong, I love Daly and Durance's animated versions of the two...but they never actually became a couple until the very end of Superman: The Animated Series. And we only saw them as Lois and Superman, not Lois and Clark. So, sadly, they don't rank.

Welling and Durance were...off-and-on. Funnily enough, their appearance as this version of the couple in the Arrowverse crossovers was probably better than any other appearance they had, and their appearances in the 10th season were genuinely quite nice. High up there as the best version, and one of my favorites.

Hoechlin and Tulloch are, in my opinion, the best married version of the characters. They honestly nail it, and their chemistry is pretty much perfect. Their versions of the characters still rank pretty high as some of the best, and they're even better as a couple.

Routh and Bosworth...moving on...

Cavill and Adams...well...I mean...they have some chemistry, and...they've definitely had sex. Um. Yeah. That's it. Whoooooo.

O'Connell and Romjin are a little-remembered animated version of the two, and not the only animated version of the two, either. But honestly, they're really good in The Death of Superman and Reign of the Supermen, and were my favorite animated version of them as a couple...prior to MAWS.

And OK, sure, we've barely seen these two as a couple at this point, but I really like them. They're adorable, they're adorkable, they're supportive of each other, and their chemistry is basically immediate. They're just really cute and fun to watch, and I can't wait to see them progress. Especially because...

OK, I can't stress this enough, but skip the next GIF if you don't want spoilers, and scroll down until you get to Jimmy Olsen. Please. This is a biggie. OK? Got it? Read at your own peril.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU SERIOUS THEY ACTUALLY DID IT

If you've read my Superman essays, you know that I want movie Lois Lane to have found out Clark is Superman on her own, and before the movie starts. And holy shit, they actually did it in MAWS! FUCK YES! Lois is smart and sharp, so she should pick up on the fact that Clark is Superman! I love that they did this, even if her way of finding out was somewhat by accident. She still put the clues together on her own, so I'm satisfied with this ending! And I'm pretty sure they're not going to reverse this! If they do, I'd be pissed off, but I don't think they will. Just...HELL YEAH, BABEEEEEEEEEE

OK...I think the spoiler-free have scrolled past this by know, so...let's move on with the essay, shall we?

Supporting Cast: Jimmy and the Rest

OK, let's talk Jimmy Olsen (played by Ishmael Sahid). Honestly, I love the fact that he's a conspiracy nut with his own YouTube channel, and that he's literal bunkmates with Clark in this series. This is also pretty close to my perfect version of Jimmy Olsen, not gonna lie. His streaming name is even Flamebird, a deepcut comics reference that shows the creators not only know their stuff, but also actively care about Superman comics and history. That's one of the things that one me over in the first episode, for the record. But more on that later.

Jimmy is the third wheel, but one who's usually welcome. We'll see the fallout of the Lois-Clark romance soon, I'm sure, but Jimmy's role has been pretty much perfect. However, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that a black Jimmy Olsen, while welcomed by me...is a little weird when you look at the legion of ginger characters in media that have been replaced by black characters in adaptations. While, again, I don't think Jimmy is racially bound to being ginger, it is a fairly iconic part of his identity. And...yeah, a lot of ginger characters have been translated into black people in recent years, and that's...really weird, not gonna lie. Makes me think even more about my Legion of Super-Heroes essay, honestly. Still, solid-ass Jimmy, and I can't wait for more.

I actually adore Perry White (voiced by Darrell Brown) in this series, and his grumpy boss persona is...well, quintessential Perry White. I'd actually say this is a perfect version of the character, although that's not as difficult to nail as some other versions. Looking forward to seeing more of Perry's life as he supports our bumbling interns.

I was tickled pink to see Cat Grant (Melanie Minichino), Steve Lombard (Vincent Tong), and a genderbent Ronnie Troupe (Kenna Ramsey) in this show, because it once again signals to me that the show creators really care about Superman mythos. And honestly, these guys were transplanted essentially unchanged from the comics, as far as we can see so far. This may change in the future, but I'm very excited to see the rivalry between our three and these reports build and develop during the series. Great job with these guys.

The Kents only make an appearance in one episode thus far, but I think they're pretty good! We see them in the past and in the present, and they're a couple of farmers who love their son. They're also some of the youngest versions of the characters we've seen in adaptations, save for Smallville, and it works well! They also make it apparent that these are Clark's parents, even in the short time we see them. Again, good job so far, and I want to see more!

So, with all of that, I adore this series, and it's perfect! Right? Right?

The Villains: Literal and Figurative Cons

If you've heard anything about this series from Superman fans, then you've probably heard that the villains are...not amazing so far. And that's mostly because the villains are where this series takes the most liberties, while also downsizing most of them pretty severely. I'll go through them briefly here, but just know that the changes made so far are...not my favorite. And if you've read my essays, you know my opinion on villains in superhero media: you gotta nail them.

So, let's start with Livewire, AKA Leslie Willis (voiced by Zehra Fazal). I really love this character (and actually positioned her as a major villain in the second Superman movie of my cinematic universe), so I'm quite invested in Livewire. And this version is a tech-powered villain who kicks off the conflict for the first part of the series. She's a completely different version of the character...and she works? Kinda? Look, as the first villain to face Superman, she's fine, but she's barely Livewire. The end of the second episode hints that she may become more like the original down the line, but she's missing that sass of the original. And yeah, she works without that, but it doesn't feel like Livewire to me. That's nitpicking, though, because we have a much worse set of adaptations to cover.

Intergang is so much of a non-entity in this show, they have no GIFS on Tumblr. Understand, this community has made GIFs of every other character except these guys. In total, they are Silver Banshee AKA Siobhan MacDougal (played by Catherine Taber), Mist AKA Kyle Nimbus (played by Lucas Grabeel), and Rough House AKA Albert (played by Vincent Tong). And they've been changed from:

A cursed Scottish-Irish woman, empowered by magic and a major threat to the Man of Steel, having nearly killed him multiple times...and is currently dating Jimmy Olsen, which I kinda love?

A scientist who invented a process to turn himself into gaseous form, and used his powers to fight the hero Starman; this rivalry was passed on to the next generation, on the side of both hero and villain.

And the clone of a gangster endowed with super-strength, serving beneath Boss Moxie of Intergang, and the forces of the dark world of Apokolips above him.

...into a group of loser who got technology they couldn't handle. Yeah, it's a major downgrade, and two of those guys weren't even that notable in the first place. Siobhan gets completely fucking shafted here, and I think it's a genuine failure of this series. Harsh, I know, but seeing Silver Banshee get fucked over that hard really sucked for me.

Oh, and yeah, Intergang was a major villainous group for the Superman film in my cinematic universe, so removing their Apokoliptian ties...bums me the fuck out, too. Also, it looks like Flash villain Heat Wave is an upcoming member, which is...weird as fuck, honestly. We'll see how this pans out, but I'm not terribly enthusiastic about it.

And then there's Anthony Ivo (played by Jake Green), who's been repurposed into a tech bro entrepeneur in the vein of Elon Musk, in charge of AmazoTech, which is obviously a reference to the comic book version. And this was an...interesting set of choices, honestly. Some spoilers here, but Ivo's version of AMAZO is an armor that drains the power of Superman and redirects it against him. And yes, that makes Ivo also this universe's version of...Parasite. ANOTHER villain that I put in the second movie of my cinematic universe, and one of my absolute favorite Superman villains.

I don't hate the reinvention, but that's only because of what happens to Ivo at the end of the episode. I won't spoil it here, but he definitely turns into a more proper version of the character, so we'll see what happens there. As for his assistant, Alex (played by...somebody), well, he's interesting, isn't he? At first, I thought he was Alex Allston, one of the Parasite twins from the 2000s. But a number of people seem to think he might be another familiar red-headed Superman villain named Alexander, if you know what I mean. Let's just say, there's a possibility that he'll steal forty cakes at some point. And that's terrible.

And finally, there's...wait, is that Deathstroke AKA Slade WIlson (played by Chris Parnell)? Why is he young...and hot? Why is Slade young and hot? And two-eyed? I mean, yeah, sure, that's not the worst thing in the world, but...goddamn, that's some whiplash. Interestingly, he appears to be affiliated with Task Force X, which is name dropped in episode 2. Plus, Amanda Waller is clearly in the background, so a much wider plan is in play. And yeah, while it's weird to see young hot Deathstroke, I'll give it a chance.

Other villains have been hinted at, and allegedly radically reinvented, such as Mr. Mxyzptlk and Brainiac, but we've yet to see what will become of them. Still, this is a divisive start. As long as we get some actual supernatural threats, and not just people in armor, I'll be happy. Time will tell.

Story: Just Getting Started

At this point, it's pretty much impossible to judge the story of this series, since we've only just started. But, with the technology obtained by Livewire from a mysterious source, and then leaked into the criminal underworld, we at least have enough threats to supply tension throughout this first portion of the series. The relationship of our trio is progressing nicely, with Jimmy realizing his third-wheel status, and with the Lois and Clark relationship moving along interestingly and unexpectedly.

There's also a number of hanging plots that look promising, including Clark discovering his powers and origins; Task Force X and Deathstroke, as well as their interest in Superman; the missing Parasite technology after Ivo's fall; the rivalry between the interns and their reporter rivals; and even Lois' relationship with her father (who...might be the guy standing next to Waller in Task Force X? No clue, that's just a guess). So, we have some stuff to look forward to! And maybe, just maybe, the villains will also steadily improve. I think Silver Banshee's a lost cause at this point, but I have hope for Livewire and Parasite, at least. But again, time will tell.

I also can't wait to see what the creators have up their sleeves. They're obviously ans of Superman and his mythos. I didn't even mention what won me over on this show in the first place! Other than Clark and Lois themselves, of course. In the first episode, Lois introduces Jimmy and Clark to her information gatherers: the Newskid Legion. And for those of you who don't know, that's a reference to the Golden Age of Comics, and a group of street-wise kids that would become supporting characters of Superman's during the '90s (through the trendy magic of cloning)! The kids have an adaptation in this series, and that attention to lore alone made me an instant fan of this show. Sounds like nothing, I know, but it meant a hell of a lot to a Superfan like me. Now GIVE ME MY EVERYMAN BIBBO BIBBOWSKI!

Conclusion: A Hopeful Tomorrow

I'm...scared about Gunn's Superman film. I won't write a whole essay about it, but it sounds ambitious to the point of being bloated. A lot of recent casting news makes me feel like this is more of a set-up to the wider DCU, as less of a Superman film in and of itself. Plus, with rumors that Luthor is being cast, and no sign of a villain announcement yet...I dunno. It has me worried. So thank God for My Adventures with Superman.

This series is a blessing so far. Sure, it could blow for the rest of the season, but call me hopeful. I think this show is fantastic so far, and I'm really thinking it'll stick the landing with the first season. Alongside that, honestly, is the fact that it's trying something new for any Superman adaptation, and there's a bravery in that. I don't know if it'll go down as my preferred Superman adaptation (Superman: The Animated Series is a hard one to beat for me), but it's got a good start. And a brave series that inspires hope in the face of fear and impossible odds? Man, that's what Superman is all about.

And now that that's said and done (for now, anyway)...

I believe I have another essay series to finally finish.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Part I: Why I Love Superman

Part II: On Lois Lane

Part III: The Kents

Part IV: The 'Rents

Part V: The...Frendts?

Part VI: Lex Luthor

Part VII: The Real Villains

Part VIII: Superman's Rogues Gallery

Part IX: The Story - Act One

Part X: The Story (Acts Two and Three)

Part XI: The Story - Climax

Part XII: Epilogue (Part One)

Part XIII: Epilogue (Part Two)

[crazy56u]

Happy Valentines Day, time for newspapers and jackass raisin-looking fuckers.

“Last time on Quantum Leap: Oh, I bet you thought we forgot about that chip subplot… Get fucked.”

And now the wolf is in the hen house, and odds are he ain’t fucking leaving.

Also, Ben wrote a letter; in unrelated news, Tom is pissed.

Hard cut to the 80s!

Cinematic parallels: Ian got an ominous phone call last week, Ben gets one today.

“Look, I could tell you more about the people who are gonna die, but because I hate you now- (CLICK!) (beeeeeeeeeeeeep)”

“God, where do I find you people?!” …the want ads?

Why does the guy Ben leapt into look like Jack Quaid?

Ben, you are doing swimmingly at acting normal today.

And the reporter is dismissing the fact Ben got an ominous phone call, and I vividly remember a car blowing up in the trailer for this episode, so, 5… 4… 3…

“Look, I’m Connie Davis, fuck your phone call.”

“This is the biggest story I’ve had in months.” And hard cut to Halloweentown.

“Steve, exactly how big is your pumpkin?” Big enough to topple the government?

I love how you can tell Connie wanted to die the second “Good gourd” was spoken.

“Now Steve, I know your viewers are dying to know- just like how your wife is probably literally dying, based on that cough-”

Meanwhile, the real 3 Ws: Waffles, wine, and Wednesday afternoon napping

“Okay, Steve said words, I wanna leave now.”

“There, I punched the camera, that’s how you know the battery died.”

“Look, Ben, you stopped a stroke, but car crashes are a little more unpredictable. Also, there’s this guy, Gideon-“

And I’m hoping to God the produces bought that number before someone tried to call it…

“Can we please focus on the leap, and not the subplots?”

My guess, Connie got fired for talking shit about Barbara Walters.

“And now she does-“ “Pumpkins.” Phrasing.

The more pumpkin puns she is forced to hear and say, the more Connie wants to die.

And cut to Newton’s shit ass cradle.

[Full disclosure: I am actively muting the parts of the episode involving Gideon. I have captions in, but still.]

“All I’m suing is blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”

Just saying, Ben had three shots to indirectly erase Gideon from the plot, and I doubt this one’s gonna be the one.

“Look, sir, I’ve been kept in the dark, maybe let me in on this subplot?”

[And now I am actively glad I am muting Gideon; I can just tell he’s saying this bit of expo with a smug tone.]

Oh fuck you, I wrote “blah blah” because I didn’t have time for your bullshit, you don’t get to use “blah blah”.

…calling it now, whatever “needs” to happen, Magic is gonna take one for the team.

[Sound goes on.]

Meanwhile in the parking garage of doom.

Bean, you suck at the news.

…okay, I was joking, but is the parking garage haunted?

Fellas, you ever get cockblocked by an answering machine?

“Look, man, I know I have a gun and a ski mask, but you are freaking me the fuck out; why were you talking to a ghost?”

Dude, Ben doesn’t even know what the story is. Neither do we!

Game Theory: The guy actually forgot to check if his gun was loaded, and had to pivot at the last second.

“That’s right, I punched you in the face, I hope you learned something today.”

[“Okay, Ben blacked out, cue the title.”]

Stop telling Ben to drop a thing he knows shit all about.

…is it bad that I thought she was gonna dump whiskey on his wound?

“I think we have a story-” “A concussion.” A story-driven concussion.

BREAKING NEWS: Pumpkins are attacking people!

“Look, I had to make you look like a dumbass to save your ass.”

“What if this is the next Watergate? You know, I heard the real reason that got tipped off to the press was because a college professor snuck into the building so that this one student could say goodbye to her dad before he went to Vietnam! He even did a dance on the steps and talked to a ghost!”

“Rule one of doing work: See rule one.”

“Why are you always covered in blood, and do I keep thinking that’s low key hot?”

Ben, the universe can suck an egg.

“You’re the best leaper I know.” Meanwhile Elsewhere, Sam Beckett is seething.

“It was either being a journalist or being in the military, Ben.”

Ben 100% stole that whiteboard.

And now Ben and Addison have to figure out what the plot is.

“What do we know?” “Not much.” For example, throwing this out there, the date?

“A suit works at a company.” Mic drop.

It took mentioning a lawyer for us to get within the ballpark of the date this leap is happening on.

“There, I wrote ‘Lawyer’ big. Are closer to solving this leap?”

That fucking beast of a computer…

“Look, it’s an all-nighter, and I want a distraction from the Gideon subplot.”

Ben, no, you were doing so good, don’t get distracted by relationship shit!

I have a sinking suspicion that wasn’t all the coffee Ben drank…

Okay, so, technically Tom was the puppet.

“Look, I can do my job and be pissy about relationship bullshit.”

“I got a call at 3 in the morning telling me to burn Quantum Leap to the ground.” I swear to fucking God if that was an indirect way of saying NBC’s cancelling the show…

[No sooner did I type that, Tumblr tried eating this post, I ain’t taking any chances, part 2.]

[gazellefamily]

THE LAST DETAIL (1973) “Standalone prequel about Shipwreck in the GI JOE cinematic universe. Just guys being guys with brief appearances by 70′s crushes Fancy Nancy Allen, Spooky Carol Kane, and Goofy Gilda Radner. Freezing East Coast streets, shitty diners, hipster parties. Once held record for most f-bombs in a movie. I support tax-payer funded military budget being spent on a googly-eyed hooker for Randy Quaid to lose his virginity. This movie really made me just want to drink beer and eat italian sausages.” -Sonny Gazelle

“There’s a brief moment of Jack doing like a fake Chinese language and I didn’t want it to be funny but it was fantastic. He became like the biggest star in Hollywood by being totally disrespectful in every movie in ways that regular Joes wished they could, and I don’t think he’ll ever exist again. To Sonny’s point - how fucking wild is it that people designing toys in the 80s would see something like this and without acknowledging it turn him into an action figure!? They even cast a voice actor to sound like Jack! Was there a GI Joe figure who looked like Pacino in CRUISING? DeNiro at the end of THE DEER HUNTER (with the beret? Actually Flint kind of looked like that!?)” -Tommy Gazelle

[tessatechaitea]

Team Titans #19

Team Titans is an anagram of Steam Taint.

I never learned the proper use of prepositions, or what they even are, because it's the most unlistenable to Schoolhouse Rock song. Hmm, that was more of a tweet than the opening line to (of?) a review of (for?) a comic book from (in?) 1994. But then again, it's also a good example of how my reviews work. A thought strikes me based on something I just read or wrote, I have six thoughts more as the pinball in my brain bounces off of several bumpers, until I finally get control of the ball by resting it on an upraised flipper. Then I aim the ball and shoot it up the "Schoolhouse Rock Song" ramp and score the jackpot. I'm left feeling satisfied while everybody who just walked in and missed all the bumper action that lit up the jackpot are left thinking, "What the fuck is this asshole talking about?" From now on, I'm only going to speak in pinball analogies. Or is the lesson actually, "Write more of your process, dumbie!"? Schoolhouse Rock also never did a song about punctuation inside and outside quotation marks so I'm never going to be any good that that shit either. Avengers: Endgame has a good example of how I just write stuff that makes me happy without explaining why I'm writing that stuff. Without actually spoiling anything, there's a scene where some Avengers go to pick up Thor at his house in New Asgard. Taika Waititi's alien character lives with him and he's playing Fortnite. He begins to complain that some guy named SlutBanger called him a dick or something. At that moment, being a huge fan of Liz Lemon's terrible ex-boyfriend Dennis Duffy whose Xbox username is SlutBanger on 30 Rock, I now can't not think of 30 Rock as part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. So instead of going on Twitter and explaining my theory on how 30 Rock has been incorporated into the Marvel Cinematic Universe and providing the SlutBanger evidence, I simply began tweeting things based on the assumption that everybody now understands it to be true. I could probably benefit from making my process more transparent.

War Devil's secret identity is Ward Evil.

Getting around to the comic book, a Team Titans team called Spectrum have arrived from the future to return the central-to-the-plot Team Titans back to 2001. I hate them immediately. One of them is all, "You deserve answers! But let's start with introductions!" Then instead of introducing herself as a person would when they say something like, "Let's start with introductions," she tells Terra that she's Terra, and Prester Jon that he's Prester Jon. And then when Terry is all, "Wait a second! That's not how introductions are done! What's your name?", she's all, "I don't have a name — I'm a color!" Well how about I just call refer to you as Fuck Off, You Stupid Puke Green Piece of Shit? Not that Terry Long would ever say anything like that! He's a wuss! Remember an issue or two ago when he was crushed by a grandfather clock? Hilarious! Later, one of the Spectrum refers to one of the other Spectrum as "Green." So I think they indeed have names! Jerks.

I don't want to embarrass anybody who worked on this comic book but one of the creative team might be an idiot.

Spectrum have been traveling through time collecting all of the members of the Team Titans (that's like thousands and thousands of characters!). Now, to prove that they're not lying about working for the mysterious leader, they need to bring all of the Team Titans together. Hopefully these characters will be more creative than what the writers of Bloodlines came up with. Let's see, there's Carpet Boy, Lapidus, Wonder Boy, The Enforcer, Murder Master, and Hero X. So, um, nope. No more creative. All of the Titans from throughout time head off to battle Lazarium, Lord Chaos's spy who has become the DC Universe's version of Rupert Murdoch. He's kidnapped Killowat to steal some of his power so that he can time travel back to 2001 and take over Lord Chaos's throne. This whole Lazarium plot exemplifies why I can rarely identify with the bad guy (unless it's Lobo because I was also super cool and had long hair and looked hot in jeans and wanted to kill my entire species. Representation matters!). Lazarium's ambition has garnered him a life full of money and power. He could just build an evil lair and retire to play video games when he's not getting adult massages from in-house professionals. Instead, he's created this life so that he can accomplish some other stupid fucking thing that doesn't seem any better than the life he currently has. Why would he want to take over Lord Chaos's role in a future where everybody rebels against Lord Chaos? Who are these people who need to constantly introduce more drama into their lives? You're living the life, Lazarium! Take it fucking down a notch now and enjoy it! Lazarium explains his plans like a good villain while Battalion, Redwing, Donna, and a comatose Nightrider have been detained by the government. It's a good thing Prestor Jon and his nearly infinite new powers is coming to rescue them. Prestor Jon has spent every panel since he returned exclaiming how he needs to find his sister, Redwing. He loves her so much and he wants to make sure she's safe and he'd do anything for her and he'll destroy anybody who gets in his way! It's all been so touching and he's been so passionate and it's all been one big fucking batch of twaddle.

"Ew! Your ears and fingernails got pointy! Gross! Get away from me!"

Prestor Jon has an elastic body that's actually disgusting and he's over here judging Redwing's cute new affectations? Hell, even if he wasn't elastic, he'd be a hypocrite for finding Carrie gross now. He does realize he's a ginger in his new body, right?! I should apologize to people with red hair and fair complexions but right now I'm drunk with the power of judging people on superficial differences! Is this what it feels like to be an incel online?! "Oh, nobody will fuck me, hunh?! Well, I wouldn't fuck you! Even if I had the choice! Which I don't! It's right their in my embraced nomenclature: involuntary celibate! But that's beside the point! People who are good looking enough to get fucked are shallow garbage monsters! What must it feel like to be just the other side of totally disgusting?! If only I were marginally less repugnant than I am! But it's impossible! In this society, there's no way a 1 or a 2 can pretty themselves up to a slightly fuckable 3! And don't encourage me to fuck other 1s and 2s! Gross!" Hmm. Maybe I need to apologize to both incels and gingers now. Although my mocking incel rant was just encouragement! Don't accept being unfuckable! Do something about it! And that something isn't read a book about how you need to trick women into sleeping with you! That something is doing the best you can at cleaning up, dressing, acting like a civilized person, and just enjoying things you enjoy around other people. You also have to, in some way, prove that you're a responsible person who has something to offer. I once flirted with a woman all weekend at a party in some remote location without anything more than friendly banter. Then on the way home, the car I was driving home (a friend's girlfriend's car because she probably knew it was a deathtrap!) got a flat and we wound up stranded on 580 all night (because she had a spare in the car but no jack). In the morning, I got out of the car with the tire and flagged down a helpful man. His jack was the kind you slide under and the car was a low Camaro that it wouldn't fit under. The guy explained he had to get to work but since he was the only person to stop, I was all, "Please! We'll get this!" I then got my other friend there to lift one side of the front of the car as I lifted the other and we were able to get the jack under. I then preceded to change the tire in a few minutes and we were on our way. My friend said X (the woman I'd been flirting with!) didn't take her eyes off me the rest of the drive home. I dropped her off first and she practically forced her phone number on me. That's what impresses people you might want to impress: doing things that aren't meant to impress them. You just have to prove you're a capable human being who can get shit done when that shit needs getting done. She probably thought, "Look at the way he took control of the situation! Look at how he lifted up that car's front end and changed the tire so smoothly and quickly! I bet he fucks!" I mean, she was wrong. I was terrible at fucking then! Really, really terrible! But that's a story I don't want to talk about! Even though it's a really short story. Team Titans #19 Rating:: C-. It got boring again! The final page of this comic book has a TV Guide mock-up for DC Comics if they were shows. Here are the actors the editors at DC thought should be playing their characters in 1994: Aquaman: Keifer Sutherland Atom: Michael Madsen Blue Beetle: Jason Patric Nightshade: Madeline Stowe Batman: Brad Pitt or Cary Elwes or Peter Horton Joker: Aidan Quinn Lobo: Bill Paxton Guy Gardner: Christian Slater Ice: Meg Ryan Hal Jordan: Dennis Quaid Sinestro: Raul Julia Kilowog: John Goodman Ganthet: Paul Williams Kyle Rayner: Andrew Shue