#the first version of this bookmark is mostly purple and orange

[wantedplantlife]

today’s repostober is three bookmarks that started out as one bookmark

[addledconsciousness]

Where to Start

I think the best way to do this is to try and start with my earliest memories. Or what I can dig up anyway. I don’t really have a very good recollection of the first ten years of my life (reasons I’m sure will come up sooner than later) so it’s choppy at best. Bare with my ability to put my life into an accurate timeline. Some of this will be bookmarked by stories I’ve heard told back to me, some I don’t remember at all, so I have to take some of it at their word.

Either way, here goes nothing

I spent the first few years of my life in a small town outside San Diego. When I say small, I’m talking around 400 people. My grandfather owned and ran a dairy ranch in the mountains that was a family business. The main ranch had a few buildings including a duplex house that we shared with my aunt and her family. The only thing I really remember from living in that house was being sick and throwing up in the hallway. At some point we moved across the highway (literally) to another small house that was a part of the property. I remember going to kindergarten and catching the bus. Once I tripped and skinned my knee and ran back to the house and the bus driver waited for my mom to clean me up and send me back out. I also remember playing tee ball, I remember my kindergarten teacher and how nice she was, making those paper plate masks and being best friends with a girl named Jessica. From what my mom tells me we had a crush on the same boy named Cody and she used to tease me lightly about it. She would sing ‘Going to the Chapel’ and replace the words to add Cody and myself and I would get embarrassed and mad, I guess it was cute because I think she did it a lot.

I was a pretty introverted kid so any sort of attention would immediately embarrass me and I remember feeling uncomfortable in a lot of situations. My older brother was outgoing and he could make friends easily, though I don’t ever remember anyone coming over to the house.....ever. It could have happened but I can’t recall anything. 

At some point during those first few years I was diagnosed with severe vesicoureteral reflux. Cliff notes version (content warning ahead for weird body stuff I guess), my ureters  didn’t work right and I was going to die if I didn’t get surgery. I remember the few procedures while doctors were diagnosing me. Shoving a tube up my urethra to fill my bladder up with some kind of liquid to run a test to see how my ureters held up (not well). They told me to hold my pee as long as I could then let them know when I couldn't anymore. I was scared of telling anyone I really had to go, and holding it for way longer than I should have. To the point of pain. I was terrified of adults, and being half naked with tubes shoved up me while a staff of people waited for me to pee was horrible. My mom not allowed to be in the room with me. If my dad ever came to a single appointment I don’t  remember it. When it came time for the surgery I spoke to the anesthesiologist and was able to pick what flavor of gas they would use to put me under. I chose bubblegum, it was not a great choice. They told me to count down and I disregarded that entirely to try and fight falling asleep. I think I told them that too, but that may not be accurate.

 I woke in the hospital bed with even more tubes coming out of me. My arms, my face, but mostly my lower abdomen. I recall seeing tubes filled with red and purple fluid, red and orange fluid like lava, and several others. I remember they had a  Super Nintendo and being stoked because it was new and we only had a regular old Nintendo. I was so excited to get my chance to play Super Mario World only to get the controller and realize I was too weak to push the buttons. I couldn’t understand why my body didn’t work they way it used to. I spent the next few days to a week in the hospital recovering. The first time I tried to walk I didn’t get far, my legs were too weak to carry me and I had to do some minor physical therapy to learn to walk again. There wasn’t much of me to begin with so I guess the atrophy didn’t take too long. I don’t really recall eating too much. 

They did have an awesome Rube Golderberg machine that I think I cold watch forever. I picked it apart and seeing how each piece connected to the other to create this momentum to keep these billiard balls moving from each story. The thing was massive. I also remember an uncle coming by (not sure which one) and gave me a stuffed lion, which (don’t judge) I still have today. I named him Samson because he was strong and that’s what I needed to be. I eventually went home at some point but had some weird scars left over that I became self conscious about (more on that at some point). 

I haven’t really had any issues since then, but from what I was told the surgery was experimental at the time and could fail at any point in my life. So I try to make it a habit to not hold it in if I can. But since this is already starting to get long, that may as well be a good a place as any to put a pin it it. 

Not sure I’ll be tagging any of this with anything other than trigger/content warnings, but we’ll see how it goes.