#the first one is sending meeeeeee

[sheena-isa-punkrocker]

the fact that this would've been what chishiya looked like prior to bleaching his hair

[wstviewvidal]

goodbye- w. maximoff

pairing: fwb!wanda x reader

summary: wanda tries to mend what was broken

a/n: here is the last installment of my first story, breakfast birthday goodbye! thank you all so much for the support you’ve shown the first two parts as well as the hc’s! it means the world to meeeeeee i love u guys soooo much!

minors do not interact

wanda never meant for everything to go down the way it did. scratch that, she never wanted any of this to happen. the ignored calls, the short texts, you avoiding her at your group’s weekly dinner.

she didn’t want that at all, and it was eating at her insides knowing that you are out there somewhere thinking that she wanted nothing to do with you, that she wasn’t serious about you.

it was the exact opposite, actually. you never leave her mind and she often finds herself texting you with random updates throughout her day just so she can end up calling you and hearing about whatever you have to say.

but now it’s been a week since the party and you’ve yet to actually have a full conversation with her. you don’t text her, only replying to her with a short and simple response when she sends you a message first.

she’s lost countless hours of sleep and finds it hard to make herself eat normal meals. the bags under her eyes have darkened and she’s become a hollow shell of herself, one she can’t even recognize in the mirror. everyone’s noticed it too, and it’s getting hard to ignore.

wanda prides herself on her incredible work ethic and her ability to do her job well beyond expectations, but for the past week even her team at work has noticed that she’s been off her a-game.

wanda hasn’t slept, and you could tell. she’s avoided every every attempt to rest or eat. only throwing herself into her work, which was futile because in the back of her mind was you. the ache of losing you and know you were out there hating her.

it’s gotten to the point where her boss has offered her to take the rest of the week off to recuperate over whatever happened that pushed her down. bad thing is, wanda said no and now she’s stuck thinking about you at her desk.

she turned down the offer, ignoring how badly her body is begging her to take the rest. work is the only thing keeping her mind off of you— or at least trying to.

she can’t get the look on your face out of her mind. the look at showed everything. the way your body looks exhausted, as if it had been fighting. worst of all, she saw every ounce of hurt in your eyes— it confirmed everything.

the look in your eyes, the hurt in your voice, the way you avoided her for the rest of the night at the party.

that’s how she knew you loved her back. and that was meant to be your final act of love— leaving her.

but wanda wouldn’t accept that.

wanda thinks of her future often. how she wants to open up her own firm, how she wants to have a decent sized house— no more than twenty minutes away from the city, the amount of kids she wants to have, you, you, you.

in every different imaginable scenario she’s imagined for herself, in every different future she’s envisioned, you’re always there. there’s no version of herself she can imagine without you.

which is why she’s suddenly found herself outside of your house in the middle of a thunderstorm at 8 at night.

she knew this was inappropriate and a setup for failure but she couldn’t go another hour not at least trying. she’s gone too many days with her anxiety eating away at her.

she knew that you loved her— hell, you basically confessed it to her the night you were drunk in her car. it’s been so long since then and she’s had to watch you date other people despite having confessed your true feelings.

so, logically, wanda had to force herself to ignore the confession and start to date other people as well.

but wanda knew they could never be you. no matter how hard she tried to make herself like the other girls, she always wished it was you she was holding at night— not them

as wanda stood outside your gate, she couldn’t help but recall when she went to go see you at work after you broke up with a fling.

and unfortunately for wanda, this was after you confessed. she had to sit there and console your crying eyes all while knowing the both of you had reciprocating feelings for the other.

wanda parked her car a few spots away from the main entrance and fixed her appearance before grabbing the takeout food she had brought for the two of you to share.

she sat in her car for a few minutes, trying to focus on her breathing and calming the nerves in her body. trying to rehearse things to say to say to you in front of her mirror, she looks over her appearance and fixes her makeup slightly.

i mean, what is she supposed to say to the girl she’s in love with who just broke up with someone she was dating? yay, now let’s get together? no. wanda had to be a supportive friend— no matter how badly she ached for more.

getting out of her car, she slowly walks up to the main entrance. as she walks in, she’s hit with the familiar smell of the air freshener the company uses and it gives her a small boost of confidence.

stopping to say hi to natasha before going into your office, she greets her.

“hey nat,” wanda says softly while peering into natasha’s office.

both wanda and natasha were familiar with each other through you and had no issue having conversations without your company, they were comfortable with each other.

natasha looks up from her work and up to wanda, a slight surprised smile on her face. she had a feeling wanda would show up for you, just unsure of when.

“hey,” she replies, “she’s in her office. she could really use the pick me up.”

wanda nods in understanding, “i know, she’s been down recently. brought her some food in case she needed it.”

natasha smirks softly and whispers lowly, “if you’re going to continue being a girlfriend to her, you need to make it official before somebody else does.”

wanda freezes. did natasha know about you two? surely you wouldn’t tell her anything, but why else would she say that?

wanda gives an awkward chuckle and walks off in the direction of your office, replaying natasha’s words and how she had a knowing look on her face as she said that.

slowly peering into your office, she knocks softly, “hey, pretty girl”

looking away from your desktop, you see wanda dressed in your college t-shirt and a pair of jeans while holding a takeout box from one of your favorite restaurants.

your heart swoons at the pet name, as well as the smile on her face. this isn’t the first time wanda’s shown up to your job unannounced. in fact, she does this at least a few times out of the month.

she insisted that it was her biggest priority to make sure you were taken care of.

she walks over to your desk and gives you a small kiss on the forehead and a rub on the back.

“you feeling okay?” wanda’s voice is laced with concern and love. it filled your stomach with butterflies.

truth is, you were actually feeling content after the break up. you constantly felt a weight on your chest while you were in that relationship. really, you could hardly call it a relationship. it lasted less than a month and you were happy it was over.

everytime you two went out, you always thought about how wanda would be acting if if was her you went out with instead. no matter what, you always had her in the back of your mind and you felt guilty for it.

shrugging softly, you lean into wanda’s side, enjoying how she’s giving you this soft attention. you really should be honest with her and tell her you’re fine but the fact that she’s being so sweet and attentive, it really makes you want to play into this facade just so she can continue being sweet to you. wanda tightened her hold on you and cooed softly.

wanda knew though. normally when you’re down and out of it, you hardly ever do your makeup. the way you speak is a bit more dragged out, the way you even look at her is different when you’re down.

wanda knew you were okay the second she got close to you, but how could she pass up an opportunity like this to hold you? she would take any excuse to touch you and make you feel happy. she knew she was in love with you, has known it for quite some time now. however, acting on it is a whole other story.

“i got you some food,” wanda runs her fingers through your hair softly, “i want to make sure you eat.”

wanda watches you as you nod softly and look up at her with a happy look on your face. yeah, she’s in love with you. no doubt about it.

you can’t help but immediately let out a soft giggle as you see how she looks at you. you two have known each other for years and she never fails to make you feel cared for.

what would it be like if you two stopped dancing around your feelings for each other?

wanda pulls out the food and you can’t help but swoon all over again. wanda knew your order, down to what you want put on the side instead of in the dish, even the sauces and other condiments. no one has ever known you like this.

the two of you ate for the next hour and a half. you asked her how work was going, her brother, what she’s doing for the holidays. the rest of the world ceased to exist for that hour and a half, and it didn’t feel like a lunch break. it felt like something you could get used to doing at home together.

the two of you existed in each others presence for that lunch break. maybe that was when you realized you truly were in love with her. or maybe it was an accumulation of things, but after that day you knew for a fact that wanda could be the one for you.

wanda walked slowly to your front door, her feet feeling heavy. she could hear her heartbeat, she could feel the blood moving around in her body. hell, she swears she can even feel her white blood cells. for the first time since she’s known you, she was terrified of speaking to you.

the rain soaked through her clothes and clung to her body. her usual soft brown hair was now black and matted with all of the rain water in it. she was freezing, but she didn’t care. each drop that fell onto her body only served as a reminder of all the things she’d never said to you.

every instinct in her was telling her to turn around and bolt, to run and not look back.

but the rational side of her told her that it was now or never. this was her last chance. if she ran, she’d never see you again.

she knew that the longer you two went without talking, the more likely it is that you’ll shut down and block out every memory with wanda from your mind. she knew that she needed to talk to you— and it had to be now.

before getting to your house, she stopped by a near by store to get you flowers. this wasn’t the first time she’d done so. in fact, the florist practically knew all about her love for you since it was all wanda could talk about when she went to go pick up your customized bouquet.

this time, however, it was terrifying knowing that there was a chance that this could be the last time she’d be giving you flowers. she knew you were stubborn and once you sat in your thoughts for too long, there was no way of getting you to turn back on it.

had wanda waited too long to speak to you? are you going to turn her away once she gets to your front door? is this going to be the last time she would see you again?

wanda stands in front of your door way, looking disheveled and drenched in rain. the roses she bought for you look worse for wear, but she couldn’t imagine coming to you empty handed. she needed to have something in her hand to help calm her nerves at least.

by the time she’d reached your door, she was shaking. but not out of cold, out of fear and desperation.

knocking on your door, wanda’s heartbeat quickens and for a split second she considers bolting and never coming back.

but the door opens.

and there you are, and somehow in the midst of all the chaos between you two, wanda thinks you look as beautiful as ever.

you look at wanda with an incredulous look, almost telling yourself you’re imagining her here at your doorstep.

you start, “wanda, i don’t think th-“

“no,” wanda says sharply, almost too firm and pushes past you and into your house. her breathing is shallow. it wasn’t from the rain though, it was from the years of unspoken truths, missed opportunities. she needed it out in the air.

wanda’s tone and demeanor momentarily stun you. she has always bent on anything you say and rarely interrupted you when you spoke.

after slowly closing the door behind her, you follow her further into your house. your heart is beating and you can’t help that worry she may get sick being drenched in all the rain.

wanda now is in the middle of your living pacing from one end of the room to the other, clutching drenched and withered red roses in her hands. she looks like she’s on the verge of passing out and you’re immediately worried that she very well could drop on your floor.

“wanda, i think you need to sit down.. let be get you a towel,” you say softly while waking towards her slowly, like she was a cat that could run off at any second.

“no,” she says quickly, now stopping and facing you, “you don’t get to kick me out or walk away this time. you can’t shut me out, not after everything. i know i hurt you— us, but i can’t just walk away without telling you everything.”

wanda rushes her words out, but not faltering once in her firm presence. her voice is laced with desperation and you can literally see her hands shaking.

you can hear a small waver in her voice, one youre not used to. wanda’s body language screams terrified and anxious, but her eyes scream with something much louder: resolve.

you can’t help try to hold back a smile at how you can see the emotion in her eyes. wanda’s eyes speak so much louder than her voice could ever, and you have always loved it so much. it’s how you two could communicate with one another from across the room.

you stand silent and nod, unsure of what to do.

“i understand how it looked. at the party, i mean. the girl there wasn’t anyone i knew, or even want to get to know for that matter. it was just a way to help me pass the time at the party, no matter how nasty that sounds,” wanda begins rambling and you can slowly see the confidence wear off. she pinches the bridge of her nose. this was already off to a bad start.

she had practiced this so many times over the past three hours and none of it was coming out how she wanted it to.

“she wasn’t you,” her voice breaks softly and her words make you freeze.

your heart beat quickens. what does she mean? maybe she’s just trying to make nice and keep the agreement going, it can’t mean that you think it means.

you try to interrupt her, “wanda-“

“i said let me ta-“

you raise your voice and look at her pointedly, “you are in my home and i will speak if i choose.”

wanda feels like a child being scolded.

with a soft and gentle voice, you apologize, “that night, my birthday. seeing you with that girl made me realize we’ve had this whole friends with benefits thing go on too long. it’s gotten in the way of our personal lives and for the sake of our future partners, we need to cut it off.”

you force it out, not sounding confident at all. although you had put much thought into it, it pained you to say it aloud to her. to watch her face drop, to actually see how your words affected her.

tears well in wanda’s eyes, spilling over with a soft, heartbroken cry. this wasn’t what she came here for. she didn’t come here so you could shut her down before even trying to tell you she loved you.

shaking her head and clearing her throat, wanda walks closer to you.

“you don’t get to cut this off without at least having a proper conversation with me,” wanda chokes out through sobs, wiping her tears angrily, “you can’t just throw me away like that.. please”

the silence between the two of you causes the atmosphere in the room to thicken.

hearing her pleading voice, the way she’s gripping onto your shoulders tightly as it’s the last time she’ll touch or see you again— you can’t help but try to fight tears.

in fact, it very well may be the last.

you shake your head, you had thought this over and realized that if wanda didn’t reciprocate the same feelings for you— it’s best if you let her go.

it had become a never ending cycle of stringing you along with no end in sight.

but if it meant nothing to wanda, why would she be here begging and crying for you?

haphazardly, you throw caution to the wind and decide that if this is the last night you’ll see wanda, you may as well lay it all on the table.

you pull away from wanda, raising your voice slightly, “do you have any idea what it took for me to finally accept that this, us, would be a never ending cycle? that it’s only a game of almost? i can’t keep waiting for you, for someone who’s just going to treat me like a place holder for another girl who won’t even last a month and a half?!”

you swallow tears and try your best to sound as firm as possible, “i sat around for all this time just watching you be with other people. giving them the affection i so badly wish you would reserve only for me.”

wanda’s eyebrows furrow at your insinuation that she only every treated you like a pit stop.

anger builds inside and she can’t help but scoff, “are you fucking kidding me? i treated you like a place holder? there’s no way you’re being serious right now.”

her scoff and rough voice cause you to turn back on your heel, defensiveness and frustration seeping through your veins.

“yeah, a goddamn pit stop, wanda. you came around, got me fucking wrapped around your finger and made me fa-,” you almost said it, “you had me wrapped around your finger. i was always there when you called, like a damn fool!”

wanda couldn’t believe what she was hearing. you were acting like she was some kind of person who viewed you as a fool. she was helplessly in love with you, and this is what you saw her as.

running a hand through her hair in hopes of helping herself calm down, she exclaims, “do you really think this was one sided?! i had to watch you date other people too! i wasn’t the only one who dated! after that time you got drunk and i had to take care of you, i couldn’t stop thinking about you saying you wished we could be more! and then i had to carry on with my life like you hadn’t told me you wanted something more with me.”

wanda swallows hard before the words spill out—the night you told her you wanted more. she never wanted to tell you about that night, for fear of running you off.

it was now or never, she had to tell you.

you freeze, what night is she talking about? the weight of her words finally hit you, and it feels like the world has shifted. you search her face, like the answer you’re searching for is written on her forehead.

wanda sighs and rubs her face, “i’m sorry. you got drunk a while back and told me you wanted more. i never told you because i knew it would send you running off, and i couldn’t bare the thought of losing you. it was better to have you like this, no matter how much it hurt, than to not have you at all.”

the rain seemed to be the only sound in the house. the soft thuds of the branches outside hitting the side of the roof are all you two can hear. you stare at each other, for the first time with uncertainty as to what’s next for you two.

wanda walks slowly closer, stopping a few feet in front of you, “do you really think i wanted this to be one sided? i thought that by holding back and keeping my feelings to myself, it was the only way i’d still be able to have you in my life.”

you stare at her as you slowly understand what she’s trying to say. she loved you back.

“i never wanted you to feel that way,” barely above a whisper, “and i’m so sorry that i made you feel that way. it was never my intention to make you feel like you were anything other than my first priority. i only every wanted you, only you. i found myself looking for you in every person i met because i was afraid that if i told you i loved you, you’d run away. if having you meant keeping my feelings to myself, i would make that sacrifice because i couldn’t fathom the thought of you. no longer being in my life.”

you stay silent, her words echoing in your head. wanda loved you back? you can see her hands shaking and the insecurity in her eyes. her hands are shaking and the petals on the roses are falling off slowly with the weight of the water droplets on them.

following your eyes, wanda remembers she got you roses.

she speaks softly, almost afraid to speak to you, “i brought you these. i’m sorry they’re not that pretty, they got kind of messed up with the rain and me squeezing them so tight.”

wanda speaks nervously, shyly and you can’t help but frown at her demeanor. she’s no longer the confident person you know. right now she looks like an insecure woman who’s been rejected by someone she’s been in love with for years.

you gently reach out for the flowers, still shocked by the revelation wanda’s revealed to you in the matter of fifteen minutes.

you hardly register that she’s leaving your home with a new weight on her chest and an empty feeling in her heart.

wanda took your silence as the final answer she’d been dreading. rejection. wanda thinks you don’t love her back. the silence in the room weighed on her like a death sentence and she was forced to walk away— heartbroken and alone.

the sound of her car door being shut pulls you out of your stupor and you realize what this means— what wanda’s departure means.

this can’t be the end.

with adrenaline coursing through you, you throw the door open. you rush out of your house and just before she leaves your drive way, you call out for her.

wanda, as if hoping you’d chase her, drives her car back into your drive way and parks. wanda looks anywhere but you, as if afraid the next thing you’ll tell her is to never come back. her hands grip at her steering wheel tight enough to the point her knuckles turned white. she’s terrified.

stepping outside of her car, she walks up to you. her hands are shaking and you can see that her eyes are red rimmed from all the crying she’s done tonight.

your voice is hoarse from the yelling and crying as well, “i’m sorry. i’m sorry it took this long to tell you and im sorry for accusing you of treating me like nothing. wanda, i love you too— i always have. i was terrified of you not feeling the same way so i forced myself to ignore it. i was wrong, i was wrong about everything.”

wanda’s breath stops and her eyes well up with tears again, “please don’t lie to me just for the sake of my emotions.”

you shake your head insistently, “i’m being honest, i swear on everything i love. i love you, i have for a while. i was just scared and i didn’t know you felt the same way.”

“you love me?” wanda’s voice is shaking and she can’t tell if she’s dreaming or already getting sick from standing in the rain for too long.

nodding with a nervous smile, you don’t care about the rain soaking your clothes or the lighting in the sky. all that matters is that you tell wanda how you feel. before time runs out and you lose her for good.

wanda inhales sharply, a look of relief washing over and she lets out a soft laugh. a trembling hand cautiously reaches for your face as her eyes flooded with relief.

“i was scared,” she says through a wet laugh, “i thought that you would run if i told you i was in love with you.. but if you’ll let me, i swear i won’t ever make you feel like a second priority again. you’ve always been the most important thing in my life and i never want you to feel like anything else.”

her words hit you like a rush of warmth, contrasting against the cold rain surrounding you two. you smile widely, your heart overjoyed with the fact that wanda did love you as you did her.

you laugh— a genuine laugh, and before she can get another word out, you pull her into you. you couldn’t waste another second before connecting your lips.

when you two meet, it’s like everything clicked. all the chaos, all the flings, every person annoying you two about getting together, it meant nothing now that you two expressed what you’d been hiding.

you rest your forehead against wanda’s and whisper softly, “we’ve got a lot to figure out now, but this means we’ll do it together.”

wanda nods with a small smile as she looks at you, “yeah, together.”

as you two stand there, both laughing at the dramatics of it all, you can’t help but let out a sigh of relief, one you’ve held for years. wanda was finally yours and you knew then and there that all of the missed opportunities and lack of truths only led you to her.

ignoring the messiness and the lack of perfection, it was real.

[amyoffline]

It's done! The outline for—

—is below the cut. The goal of this project is to explore the following phenomena with as much context and nuance as I can manage, tracing our history over the past 15 years:

What about us, and what about Dan and Phil, drew in and continues to draw in a very specific audience. If they are a ranch metaphor, we are a pizza metaphor 🥗🍕🫶🏻

Why we were Like That™, by which I mean so parasocially invested in them that we became, at times, the most annoying people on the internet. Much of that reputation is undeserved, and the videos on the phandom to date have been strongly negative. So, uh, I guess I'm going to put my face on camera and (mostly) defend us.

Reblog, share in your Discord servers, reply, or send me messages/anon asks with feedback or resources if you have any! Especially if your experience being in this fandom community has been dramatically different from mine. There are TIT spoilers near the end of the outline, but I'm not tagging because certain individuals seem to be lurking over there. Thank you!

Chapters:

Full outline:

introduction

cold open

felt personally attacked by jonathan haidt's last press tour

showed up to the phrenaissance 11 months late

had an unexpectedly strong response to their new content, needed to find out why

what the hell are we doing here?

- phenomenology (academics are professionally insufferable) - research question 1: what drew the audience in? - research question 2: why were we Like That™?

what we're NOT doing here

- a strict content analysis or "wow we sucked" video - providing sources for things best left uncirculated, thank you

reflexivity (personal biases)

- american zillennial in public health - in the youtube audience by spring 2010 - lurking in the phandom on tumblr 2013-2015, back* since 2019 - fan behavior i did and did not engage in

(----): truly necessary background information, i swear

(pop) cultural trends, tech, and their intersection

- nerd/geek identity and the first online weirdos - broadcast tv & the music industry vs the internet - defining "emo" - blogging & vlogging - early internet comedy

broader social/economic trends

- so the U.S. economy collapsed in 2007 - a decade that sucked except for rom-coms and square enix games - the flip/slide phone + digital camera + mp3 player loadout

(05-8): early youtube and early phil

youtube: a great video uploader without a clear purpose

the content on the website

- crossposts, corporations, and creative/social outlets - omg guys it's amazing phil - contemporary youtube-to-legacy success: justin bieber

the audience of "early adopters"

contemporary social media sites and forums

(2009): origin story

a wild dan appears… in the comments

the global constant that is teenagers being messy online

daring my old school district to sue me

- "one town's war on gay teens" (literal rolling stone headline!) - epidemiology 101: rates of… ugh… "unaliving" oneself - ways kids cope when it seems no adults will help them

the earliest days of dan & phil

- hello internet + pinof - a chronically overexamined timeline - file deleted ---* so how big WAS the audience at the time? ---* acceptable funny/edgy language was just different

contemporary youtube-to-legacy success: lucas cruikshank

omg it's meeeeeee

- how amy & friends were using youtube - ways i was just destined to end up here - being in social environments with peers 3-6 years older

(2010): is it "twenty-ten" or "two thousand ten?"

youtube is a platform about to explode in popularity

- the algorithm before it was The Algorithm™, lost site features - let's take a trip through the wayback machine :3c - actual dan & phil content in 2010 - the green brothers found vidcon - contemporary youtube-to-legacy success: darren criss

social media: also about to explode in popularity

- facebook was cool at the time, believe it or not - law of equivalent exchange: 2010 amy cringe compilation - the birth of instagram and pinterest - youtube slash livejournal (the first phanfics… sort of) - shockfic and its place in the overton window

the beginning of "the great rewiring" as haidt calls it

- ways social media is about to dramatically change - third spaces become online spaces - confounding variable: changing expectations of teens

(2011): the end of an era, the start of an age

a very long tangent on fandom and pop culture

cultural exchange

counterculture and teenagers as concepts

the first british invasion: the 1960s

- beatlemania and its descendents - moral panic about the virtue of tween/teen girls - tv/film/fashion trends being imported from the uk - in parallel, star trek births the modern fandom

the second british invasion: the 1980s

- synth/new pop that came out of the punk movement (hi, emo?) - confined mainly to music and fashion - cool britannia

it's harry freakin' potter

- absolute titan of pop culture influence - the rise of online fandom: examining the horrors ---* what is "wank" ---* flaming, sockpuppeting, and general cyberbullying ---* censorship: ffnet purges, boldthrough, & strikethrough ---* other fandom shenanigans of the time (yaoi paddles, anyone?)

harry potter's over. now what?

- for those who needed coming-of-age hero's journeys ---* twilight and YA dystopia waiting in the wings ---* some pretty iconic tv shows start or hit their stride ---* the mcu's phase one ---* takeaway: the rise of "geek culture" generally - for those who just wanted to go to hogwarts ---* doctor who & the wider world of bbc programming ---* british vloggers, you say? where? on youtube? brb--

end tangent, back to your regularly scheduled programming

dan & phil in the first half of 2011

- a continuation of 2010… for now - the videos - british pancakes as a case study of bad fan behavior

streaming and social media

- the birth of snapchat, twitch, and younow - netflix starts developing original programming - multi-channel networks (mcns) - digitour

dan & phil in the second half of 2011

- and they were roommates (omg they were roommates) - fantastic foursome - youtube glitches out - the super amazing project - the first proper baking video + wait, is that the bbc?

~ baking interlude 1: christmas cookies ~

the family sugar cookie (sorry, delia)

amy's 2011

(2012): why is anyone nostalgic for this

the transition from desktop to mobile

- massive growth in smartphone ownership 2011-2015 - things one might do on mobile one might not do on desktop - non-online ways smartphones changed being a youth™

what is tumblr and why is my child using it

- how the site is meant to work - fandom, memes, aesthetics, and SOME public figures - want to be anxious and depressed in peace? come to tumblr - this site seems a little……… gay ---* tumblr's very queer, very neurodiverse userbase ---* legacy media representation in 2012: bad! ---* actual academic research on tumblr users (yes, it exists) - the tumblr experience for non-native english speakers

amy becomes a vibrating mass of panic and paranoia

- in context of the above - additional rant about the american public school system

the growing dan & phil audience

- investigating the origin of the term "phannie" - more collaborations = more viewers - more video uploads = more /invested/ viewers - younow and interacting with fans - watch time replaces clicks in the algorithm

online etiquette, or lack thereof

- mid-transition from the 2000s to the 2010s - "professional internet celebrity" is still basically brand-new - lack of boundaries - various ways to be an asshole online - unsupervised kids simply do not engage in best practices

the end of 2012

- dan and phil move to london - wikipedia vandalism - tiptoeing around a top contender for the phandom's greatest sin - super amazing project DONE, now it's BBC RADIO TIME

(2013): arguably the most important year

- wait. what's that six-second video platform over there--

[amy's curated vine compilation]

- a new wave of internet comedians (read: future youtubers) - the zillennial lexicon - other platforms start emphasizing short-form video content - magcon

emo is BACK - well, sort of

- fob hiatus ends, mcr breaks up. my god. you had to be there - more open ties to nerd/geek culture than in the 2000s - these things once again intersect at dan and phil

dan and phil in the first half of 2013

- siri, what's a "sex symbol?" why are you booing me i'm right-- - d&p are everywhere - radio shows, interviewing, hosting - youtube uploads on their individual channels

rapidly changing cultural attitudes towards queerness

- gay marriage will be legal in places other than canada soon - a lot of assimilationist rhetoric though tbh - parallels to the pop feminism of the decade

hey kids, let's talk about compulsory heterosexuality!!

- what is it and why do people do it - academic, tumblr-level, and anecdotal research - the dannies, the phillies, and the phannies

amy

- the closet™ - mental health stigma - 2013 dnp posts from my main blog

dan and phil in the second half of 2013

- subscriber milestones, vidcon - joint content before the gaming channel - phandom starts having a major presence outside tumblr

(2014): achievement unlocked!

it's time to talk about rpf

- definitions (a chance to be annoyingly pedantic) - academic perspectives and fan discourse on the ethics - when the subjects clearly aren't fine with it - so… we can acknowledge "shipping phan" was different, right? ---* sometimes the subjects are fine* with it, actually ---* how dan and phil started to handle the shipping ---* obvious differences between phan and other rpf ships ---* sharing my favorite passages as a first-time phanfic reader

dan and phil in 2014

- wikipedia vandalism 2: electric boogaloo - bbc request show → internet takeover - the 7 second challenge - youtube content, subscriber milestones, rewind - cons and award shows

tumblr reaches the peak of its influence

- yahoo's attempts to monetize the userbase - buzzfeed and aggregators steal our jokes and bait our clicks - legacy media dangles carrots and uses us for free marketing - the legend of korra breaks TV precedent, almost out of nowhere - the tumblr user experience ---* on mobile, without xkit ---* on desktop, with xkit ---* 2014 dnp posts from my main blog

gamergate and its long shadow

- trolling, renewed and revamped - algorithms push increasingly extreme content - the broad conservative backlash conglomerate - increased normalization of conspiracism in general

my greatest sin [not clickbait] [very funny]

- so, circling back to comphet… - the actual story

anyway, let's talk about danandphilgames

- a star is born: dil howlter - different types of gaming content on youtube at the time - why did 17yo amy not subscribe? well…

~ baking interlude 2: chocolate cupcakes ~

make your own frosting. it freezes well

roasting myself further

(2015): it's not queerbaiting when it's real people

facebook "pivots to video"

- mark zuckerberg lied. water is wet - causes other platforms to REALLY double down on video - the birth of musical.ly - corporate-branded creators (read: future youtubers)

queerbaiting enters mainstream public consciousness

- academic origins - early fannish and acafan writing - johnlock, destiel, and sterek - statistics 101: type i error, type ii error, and queerbait

dan, phil, and the phandom

- bbc, cons, & the brits - danandphilcrafts - phan conspiracies ---* japhan ---* body language experts ---* timeline truthers ---* floor plan investigators ---* no but seriously imagine it - regular youtube uploads ---* solo content ---* joint content ---* subscriber milestones, rewind - tatinof uk and tabinof ---* on "selling out" ---* revisiting the statistics 101 lesson: now with real people! ---* never meet your heroes (unless they're dan and phil)

amy's (temporary) exit from the phandom

- it's legal adulthood with a steel chair!! - growing discomfort with some fans' behavior - 2015 dnp posts from my main blog - the closer: final fantasy vii

(2016): season finale

vine's imminent demise

- content platforms behaving badly - content creators behaving badly

youtube after "the great rewiring" (as haidt calls it)

- version 1.0 of the modern youtube algorithm ---* deep neural networks for dummies ---* what's holding creators accountable, or not - advertising and sponsorships ---* basically every child and youth™ is watching now ---* the battle for our attention ---* regulators start to crack down on undisclosed ads - the rise of drama/tea content (and later, channels) ---* youtubers are now seen as regular celebrities ---* dan and phil as the butt of other youtubers' jokes ---* baiting the phandom for engagement

tatinof us and aus

- a proven new model for live show tours - show & documentary released to youtube red (now premium) - [sigh] the tour bus

sea change in online fandom

- the newer, sometimes queerer media in korra's wake ---* better and more representation in live-action tv shows ---* voltron (i'm sorry!!!) ---* the mystic messenger craze ---* alice oseman & heartstopper - the new dynamics of #discourse ---* proship is to anti as phannie is to phanti ---* the bad behaviors of the 00s get a new coat of paint ---* new, though: fans harassing creators ---* a personal note on ace discourse

dan and phil presence off-tour

- the internet takeover ends - regular content, subscriber milestones

so. uh. current events.

- brexit - sorry the united states is a font of chaos - ripple effects

closing out the year

- amy finally gets an anxiety diagnosis and treatment! hurray! - dapgo, rewind - bbc radio awards & the boncas - gamingmas

(2017): time for a rebrand

tangent - sit down!!! buckle up!!! today's lecture is on PSIs & PSRs!!!

"parasocial" as defined by the current zeitgeist

- summing up youtubers' and laypeople's opinions (not dan's) - an unfairly negative stance overall, imo

older academic literature

- the 1956 paper (yes, 1956) - with traditional celebrities - with fictional characters

current academic literature

- with youtubers and other content creators - positive effects on the audience - negative effects on the audience - broader societal implications

fandom spaces as a parasocial experience

- parasocial and truly social interactions with each other - phandom as a supportive, welcoming space for oddballs - what research i can find about neurospicy folks, + anecdotes - me and everyone else on planet earth move to discord

inherent transactionality

- the nature of celebrity - positive effects on creators - negative effects on creators

reexamining early phandom through a parasocial lens

- the good, the bad, and the ugly - the role audience demographics played in all of this - entering, exiting, and remaining in the phandom

end tangent, back to your regularly scheduled programming

vine is well and truly dead

- some had prepared to become primarily youtubers (smart) - some move to musical.ly, insta, facebook, or snap (less so)

the sun sets on danisnotonfire

- i am very normal about dan's hobbit hair, i swear. - the last dnp content before the rebrand - new apartment, new floor plan investigations

adpocalypse now

- youtube has become the village elder of platforms ---* increased scrutiny, increased responsibility ---* some youtubers had been getting away with !#$!#@% - the scandals ---* pewdiepie + logan paul ---* elsagate and being "family- friendly" (read: ad-friendly) - censorship and monetization ---* adsense revenue goes down as advertisers pull out ---* the glory days of posting whatever and making bank are over

amazingphil and ~daniel howell~

- youtube & younow content - that week in march - vacations and conventions - conjoined baking and the concept of a "soft launch" - daniel & depression → dan as a mental health advocate - truth bombs, ii announcement, rewind

(2018): the phandom vs the hiatus they told us not to worry about

interactive introverts

- "giving the people what they want" - in hindsight… - let's talk about dnp fans from the global south

youtuber burnout

- it wasn't just dan: (more examples than header fits) - the old model was simply not sustainable - newer contributing factors - research on burnout, plus personal anecdotal experience

other dan and phil content

- younow/rize lives - dan's last videos before… you know… - phil's solo content in 2018 (quiff!!) - pinof → wdapteo - the gaming channel

other stuff happening online and in the world

- youtube raises the barriers to monetization - many "pivot to video" creators are now independent - the modern youtuber's multiple streams of income - continuations of societal trends in 2016 - musical.ly becomes tiktok - notable: she-ra and the princesses of power

the hiatus™: part myth, part reality

- how long dan was actually offline - major confounder: tumblr implodes almost overnight - major confounder: perception of content density from '13-'16 - major confounder: rapidly maturing audience - major confounder: our temporal awareness is about to go way ↓↓

~ baking interlude 3: scotcheroos ~

minnesotans and their obsession with "bars"

amy has one last existential crisis (you know, to date)

(2019): demolishing the closet with a nail bat

phil videos in the first 5 months of this very important year

basically i'm gay

- my thoughts - its legacy in the canon of "coming out" stories - multiple things can be true at once

coming out to you

- my thoughts - its legacy in the canon of "coming out" stories - why phil waited (actual explanations, speculation)

amy's 2019

- return to the audience, not really to the phandom (rip tumblr) - strange coincidence that i also had a major life transition

dan and phil: still here, freshly queer

- twitter becomes the main nexus of phandom, by default - regular phil uploads + brief return to younow - vidcon

(2020): go home and stay there

so it's a goddamn global public health crisis

- infectious disease perspective - effects on overall well-being of adults - effects on kids and teenagers (sorry to all of you) - political and economic impacts

hitherto unforeseen levels of online content consumption

- tiktok replaces basically all short-form video content - yet another wave of new (otherwise unemployed) youtubers - you're watching a video essay. these got really popular now. - being young and isolated: thoughts from younger phannies

the Content™ bc that's the one word we use for this now

- phil's videos - when dan is around - that attitude magazine interview - pour one out for the phil solo project(s) the panini wrecked

further political disaster… avoided?

- checking in on the state of social issues previously discussed - unfortunately,

(2021): welcome to the 2020s, we have lingering trauma

THE PHOUSE?!?!?

- social media posts - the stereo shows

other dan and phil videos

- phil's solo videos - gay and not proud - hometown showdown - other joint videos - phil's #shorts (sounds normal in american english)

panini updates

- vaccines soon, uwu??? + entrenched misinformation - pros and cons of remote work - pros and cons of remote school - pros and cons of remote socializing

you will get through this night

- younger me really could have used this book too, dan - thoughts as a professional in a related field - reflecting on some of my more unique circumstances

daring my old school district to sue me (again!!)

- updates: racism and transphobia - updates: right-wing freaks take over the school board again - residents vote against improving mental health resources

(2022): dan returns (still not on fire)

hey so politics are um getting worse

- americans lose the right to reproductive freedom ---* the quickest of histories on where these freaks came from ---* this shit kills people. - trans kids become the punching bag of culture war discourse ---* fuck off! (gently) ---* fuck off! (i have a knife) ---* checking in on terf island

we're all doooooooooooooooomed

- dystopia daily my beloved - the style, the substance, the metatextual analysis-- - not everyone loved it, though. why? - the promo - dan on tour + sister daniel

amy's 2022

- i got covid - then i got long covid: brain fog, pots-like symptoms

some more news (i will work on my warmbo impression)

- dan joins tiktok + danisnotinteresting uploads - phil: uploading less, busy doing remote crisis management - twitter is acquired by an idiot jackass - heartstopper on netflix! ---* the show and what it means to people ---* drama (revisiting "real people can't queerbait") ---* why this has anything to do with the phandom

~ baking interlude 4: cinnamon rolls ~

- lovingly, recipe changes and corrections :) - if i have an opinion about anything, it's sweet yeasted breads

(2023): the phrenaissance

phil

- joins tiktok! - youtube uploads through september - what even is phannie tiktok. i've never used this app. help.

dystopia daily b-sides

- dan memes of 2022 - the 2023 dystopia daily episodes

amy: the doctoral candidacy process

- purgatory, privilege, poverty, and free pizza - checking in on what this is like outside the united states

pretending the panini is over

- complaining about post-adpocalypse censorship standards - honest take about "giving up" on covid - who gets the short end of the stick

the youtube algorithm is BAD and UNINTELLIGENT, actually,

- unhinged rant about not hearing about the gaming rephrival - because i was offline from other platforms. like, @amyoffline.

pov: you are a phannie (not me) on october 15th

- what i was doing on october 15th - saying goodbye forever, spooky week, and november - gamingmas - phil uploads through december

(2024): fifteen years of terrible, terrible influence

hey what the fuck is going on

- dan and phil ---* joint and phil videos ---* jokes they never would've made ten years ago ---* a collection of emotional posts about how far they've come ---* people want fun and silly content again. we'll get to why ---* nostalgia, hope, and other warm and fuzzy feelings - the phandom ---* ancient parasocial attachments, reactivated instantly ---* people are way more normal now. let's discuss why ---* tumblr vs twitter vs tiktok phandom

we're all doomed, youtube version

- my thoughts - thoughts on "dan should/shouldn't" do video essays - i can't objectively evaluate anything he makes bc [gunshots]

terrible influence tour

- legally phlonde - the concept: healing one's inner child / taking it back - we gotta talk about phannies in the global south again - no but seriously imagine it? ---*ogres are like onions, they have LAYERS ---* [placeholder for whatever does(n't) happen]

anglosphere current events once again

- the likely us tiktok ban - the tories get fired - [placeholder for whichever hell americans manifest] - witnessing genocide and feeling powerless

ffx full-circle moment to the intro of this video essay

- the night i found out they came back - why i am doing this, now with context - reflections on a nearly 15-year (parasocial) relationship

whatever youtube uploads we get during fall/december

AMY SEES TIT (nov 14)

- the vibes at the phamily reunion - buying merch to apologize for eternal ublock origin use - how much should i document?? (not during the show) - phanspiracies confirmed - atlanta confessions - favorite bits - the alternate universe where i went to tatinof and/or ii

(2025): the horrors persist, but so do we

whatever 2025 content is out while i'm still working on this

our parasocial social club

- let me be philosophytube for a second ---* every interaction has a parasocial element ---* what are we obligated to do as a phandom, actually? ---* as people who parasocially care about these two dorks? ---* what else should we be doing socially to be at our happiest? - "they're my gay uncles" vs "i'm a little in love, even now" ---* riffing about the boundary/overlap between these camps ---* sibling reads me for filth in a single text (sister daniel...) ---* at least we're all in this together

what's going to continue to draw people in

- grown adults drawing our cat whiskers back on - updates on queer/nd kids - updates on anxiety/depression rates - updates on tech and the broader environment of content - world still feels doomed

tangent - the "hard launch" and why people want it

what are people referring to, exactly

- general definition and other examples - when it comes to dan and phil - maybe they hard launched already and we just missed the memo

the ludonarrative of phandom

- if you got here early on - if you got here in the mid-2010s - if you got here after they came out - if you got here post-hiatus - final fantasy comparison: ffvii's chokehold over first-timers

a rom-com for the ages

- the tropes in play - brief tangent on the evolution of the genre - queer romantic comedies - final fantasy comparison: ffviii's plot and squall/rinoa

phriends… or…

- wholesome influence, slice-of-life - projection - final fantasy comparison: ffxv's gameplay loop, the chocobros

humans don't like ambiguity

- from a media perspective (narrative tension) - research from the hard sciences - final fantasy comparison: fanille ---* the first gay final fantasy characters, actually ---* ffxiii's character development process ---* fang and vanille in the text. brb, clawing at the walls ---* so, if anyone is looking for a phyuri au prompt…

tl;dr: reality is not fiction. make peace with not "knowing"

end tangent, back to your regularly scheduled programming

the phuture

- phil's big solo project when??? - dapg is just the joint channel now - youtube has changed since when dan last "regularly" uploaded - nothing lasts forever, and that's okay

~ baking interlude 5: ranch + pizza ~

- ranch propaganda and ranch metaphors - showing off my dough and sauce skills

conclusions

- a lot has happened in 15 years - [placeholders: don't write your conclusions before you do your research]

Proof this project can only be done in consultation with Tumblr: no other platform we're on could accommodate a post of this length and formatting detail lol

[diralda]

Going out to walk during the night and accidentally running into one of your "friends".... But.... Is it really an accident?

First time trying to do some more "advanced" lighting, lmao, still a long way to go... Hopefully I'll get to draw more once this semester ends because it's killing meeeeeee, send Help

Credits to @fantasia-kitt for creating the game

[blackcoldcrackedheart]

Santa Monica is cool and stuff, but have you ever gone to the beaches in Ventura? Zen AF.

Here's some beach fluff.

Buck and Tommy were all too thrilled to be up at 7 am on their day off.

Only because they had plans for today.

Amazing and, hopefully, fun plans.

"You guys are amazing to agree to watch them." Hen told them sincerely as she and Maddie watched as Mara and Jee excitedly hugged Tommy and Buck.

"Yeah, we can't thank you enough." Maddie added, hands over her heart as she watched Tommy pick up Jee.

"Thank us for watching our favorite nieces? Please. " Tommy playfully scoffed. "This has been the one thing we've been looking forward to all week." Tommy admitted, patting Jees back in comfort as the little girl rested her head onto Tommy's shoulder.

Buck looked at his sister who was trying to not coo at the sight. He was fighting the same issue, watching his neice and his boyfriend snuggle was making his heart skip beats.

"Tommy's right," Buck added, smiling softly at Jee and Mara, who was holding onto Buck's arm and dozing off since it was still so early for them both. "We’ve been excited to babysit the girls, we've got everything we need." He pointed towards his sister, "including snacks!"

Both women rolled their eyes at him, but Buck shrugged it off. "What about Denny? He really didn't want to come?"

Hen gave them an apologetic smile, "As much as he actually did want to come along, his school is taking part in a robotics competition and Denny wanted to go since apparently robot fighting is rumored to be expected." Hen explained, rolling her eyes at Buck's excited look.

"Robot fighting versus beach day. Totally get it." He joked.

"Karen and Chim should be able to get the girls by tomorrow morning, that still works?"

Tommy gave them a thumbs up, while Buck nodded with an excited grin. "Works perfectly."

Maddie and Hen gave both men a "Thank you" before kissing both girls goodbye, reminding them to be nice to their uncles before leaving.

"Okay!" Buck clapped his hands together excited, "Who's up for some strawberry Frenchtoast before we hit the road?"

"Me!"

"Meeeeeee!"Jee popping right awake had Tommy laughing as he followed Buck and Mara into the kitchen.

After breakfast, the four of them got into Buck's jeep and started the drive up north.

Fortunately, driving up from Tommy's house is easier since they avoided all the traffic coming into LA.

The first spot was a small beach by Harbor Village, Tommy and Buck were able to set up a spot close to the water with Mara and Jee's help.

(Jee, ever the little helper, got upset that she couldn't carry the beach chairs to show she was just as strong as her uncle Buck and uncle Tommy)

Buck helped Mara get her swim cap on as Tommy laid out a blanket and got the toys they had bought for the girls specifically. Both men were also adamant about sun block for both girls, spraying a liberal amount on both their nieces (and themselves).

Both men took turns sitting on the beach and watching over their things as they took the girls out into the water. With Buck getting each girl to paddle board with him and Tommy showing them how to surf. Both girls ended up playing in the water for a long while, squealing happily as the water splashed around them. They made sand castles, played around with a volley ball, and took lot of pictures to send to Karen, Hen, Chimney, and Maddie.

Before long it was nearing one and all of the snacks were gone. "Who's up for some burgers?" Tommy asked the crew as he and Buck helped the girls into some shorts and hoodies. They had managed to get their stuff back into the jeep (and collected half of the beaches sand too).

"Me!" "Me, I'm really hungry!"

Buck picked up Jee and pointed towards the small gathering of restaurants that were walking distance. "Theres a old school burger shop that has milkshakes." He told them in a sing a long voice. "Does that work?"

Mara nodded excitedly at that, "Yes! Can I have a strawberry milkshake?" She asked politely.

Tommy felt his heart lurch out, he had seen how comfortable Mara was getting with not only the team but with them specifically. She had taken a while to open up to Buck and himself, understandably, but now? He would refuse to admit to anyone but Buck about how it almost had him tearing up at how Mara felt safe and comfortable with them now.

"Of course you can, Mara." He told her gently, holding out his hand for her to take, leading them towards the restaurant.

After lunch they headed over to main street, letting the girls burn their energy off as they walked down the street and into shops that interested them.

(Did Tommy and Buck buy each girl a new coloring set, stickers, and their own individual ukulele? Yep!)

They drove further up till they made it to Santa Barbara. The girls loved the water, again asking both men to take them paddle boarding and surfing.

Buck felt more relaxed as ever as he watched Tommy play with the girls, laughing as the girls tried to tackle Tommy into the water.

Buck felt his heart skip a beat again, he rubbed his chest. He could feel his eyes sting as he thought about Tommy and him having kids, giving Mara, Denny, Jee, and Christopher a few new cousins to play with.

He hadn’t spoken to Tommy much about them having kids, but he knew Tommy wanted kids. He knew how much Tommy adored all the kids from the 118 and his own nephew and niece (Buck had met Theo, age 3, and Harley, age 6 via zoom and saw how much they meant to Tommy).

It was something they both wanted, Buck was only a little bit doubtful about it being something that Tommy wanted with him.

After enjoying tacos for dinner, the group made their way to the ice cream parlor, Buck knowing how crowded the town got crowded in the evening opted to hold a table in the courtyard for them. He took Jee with him and left Mara and Tommy to order their ice cream.

Ten minutes later, a very smiley Mara and a red faced Tommy came towards them, each carrying a cup of ice-cream in their hands.

"Hey uncle Buck, guess what!"

"What?" Buck quickly gave Jees ice-cream to her since his little niece was making grabby hands towards the dessert and looking annoyed.

"The cashier at the ice-cream shop thought you and uncle Tommy were my dads. It was cute, they told uncle Tommy that we're a cute family."

That explained Tommy's red face.

"That was sweet of them." Buck smiled, he looked up at Tommy again, giving his boyfriend a hopeful smile as the four sat to eat their dessert.

By the time they got back to Tommy's place, it was late and both girls were passed out asleep.

"You think about one day doing this with our own kids?" Tommy asked, almost hesitantly as he carried a sleepy Mara while Buck carried Jee into the house.

Buck was sure this time that his heart melted at that, he took a moment to catch his voice. "Every day." He answered softly.

Morning came way too fast for everyone in the house, Tommy and Buck were still dealing with two very tired girls.

"I can drink a little coffee, can't I uncle Tommy?" Mara asked, eyeing the steaming cup that Buck had placed for Tommy and himself.

"Nooo." Tommy stressed, moving the cup away from Mara. "You get some non caffeine drinks, I've got juice, milk, chocolate milk, or I can make you smoothie."

Mara pouted at that but answered "Smoothie please."

"You too Jee?"

Jee shook her head no, "I want juice please!"

They were in the middle of eating when the doorbell rang, "I know who that is." Tommy got up, "Take your time eating, I'm sure Chim and Karen could use some breakfast."

"Is that why we cooked enough to feed an army?" Buck joked. He smiled at the two girls before noticing their downtrodden expressions. "You two okay? What's up?"

"Do we have to go?" Mara asked, "Can't we stay one more day?"

"Pleeeease!" Jee added, "I want to have more fun."

Buck pressed his lips together momentarily, one to keep from smiling so hard and two, to keep from crying at how much his nieces adored them.

"You guys are always welcome here, yknow that." He reminded them, "What if I talk to your parents about having an uncles' day once a week? That way you guys can spend some time with us?"

Jee clapper her hands together and Mara nodded, all smiles as Chim and Karen came into the kitchen.

"Hey mom, uncle Buck said we could do a uncles day every week!" Mara said excitedly, running up to Karen and the Chimney for a hug hello.

"Did he now?" Karen looked almost smug at that, she knew how much of a softie Buck was. "I think that's a wonderful idea, right Chim?"

Chim picked up Jee, tickling her side, "Hey, if Buck and Tommy are up for it, you won't find me complaining."

After breakfast, Tommy and Buck hugged the girls goodbye while grappling with Karen and Chim bemoaning for buying them a jeep full of toys and books ("You try telling Mara and Jee no after they tell you that you're their favorite uncle!" Tommy complained after receiving the glare from Chim when he saw the ukulele).

The house became all too quiet too quickly. Tommy took Buck's hand and led him toward the living room, pulling the man onto the couch for cuddles.

"So, still want kids then?" Buck asked, rubbing his hand up and down Tommy's arm.

"With you? Of course I do."

Buck felt himself melt into Tommy's hold finally, content and safe about their future.

"I do have a question for you though, a pretty important one." Tommy admitted after a beat of silence.

He sounded serious and anxious enough for Buck to sit up and turn to look at him.

"O-okay." Buck stammered, his nerves fraying as he watched Tommy carefully for any signs of what the queation could entail. "What's the question?"

Tommy let out a happy and content sigh, taking a hold of Buck's hands, and then got down on one knee...

[cookiewoli]

Gift 4: Quinlan, Aka

(And Cassius, don't mind me I crash him into the drawing (ˉ▽ˉ；)...)

For @cxs-workshops and @doxalis

Chatting at the Blue Moon's saloon

Okay first of all SORRY DOX IF AKA'S FACE ON THE ILLUSTRATION AND THE ANIMATION ARE NOT THE SAME-

I realize very lately on Live2D that it was IMPOSSIBLE to make his face turns left to right, if his face is already draw on the left side- So I had to draw his face from the front in another layer and import it separately.

ANYWAY- I appreciate you a lot, you're the master of reaction pic sending and I love laughing with you and simp on husbando!

I love when you're saying "IT SHOULD HAVE BE MEEEEEEE-"

Sun, I'm a stranger but you're one of the first account I followed on Tumblr when I discovered Sandrock's community! I will not enter in details (since it's your personal life and that everyone can see this post) but I hope this gift will please you and give some cheers; I've been through the same events as you, and even if everything hurts and seems unreachable, recovery is possible, even if it takes times! You CAN do it!

Both are you are awesome artists and handsome OC creator, so I wish you a Merry Christmas!!

Advent calendar index

[pr3ttylittleslutt]

TW: depression, SH, SA, ED, shitty ppl, suicidal ideation?

Being depressed with a hypocritical ass family is so weird. I’ve been depressed since i was 12 and only recently got diagnosed, all those years it’s “ur being lazy” “ur rude and disrespectful” “ur wicked” “ur dramatic”, but all of sudden it’s “omg I always knew something was wrong” girl Ill bitch slap u all the way to fucking Africa dont play wit me. The amount of times yall degraded me and making me believe I’m the worst person to walk this earth is ridiculous if u ‘always knew something was going with me’, you don’t tell a 13 year old whose by the way going thru puberty and learning to deal with her emotions that she’s ‘a burden’ or ‘too much to handle’ thats so wrong. I remember the first time I self harmed, I was so overwhelmed and when I blew up yelling n fucking screaming u would want to tell me “your a child what the fuck do u have going on to be depressed or have anxiety” have u not been a teenager? When I told u what the fuck was going on ur response to me was “how was I supposed to know that if u never told me” BUT I DID THO WHEN I WOULD REFUSE TO INTERACT WITH THE PPL INVOLVED? WHEN I WOULD SHUT DPWN EVERYTIME I WAS AT THE PLACE. But it’s not only that YOU FUCKING LIVED WITH ME HOW TF DID U MISS THAT????? When I finally admitted I was sexually assaulted for the first time when I was 6 for 2 years YOU DID NOTHING. All u did was cry to make me feel like u cared but he never went to jail. He is walking free as we speak. He is still allowed to interact with me and other little girls. WHYYYYYYYYYYY. When I told you ur friends kids were threatening to rape me when I was 10 YOU DID NOTHING. When I told u my cousin was blackmailing me to have sex with him IM THE ONE WHO GOT PUNISHED WHYYYYYYYYYY? When I told u ur boyfriend is asking me to send him pics in ur lingerie at 15 fucking years old u never spoke to him? And I’m supposed to be grateful for him? Im supposed to do shit for him? Im supposed to hang out with him like nothing ever happened? Ur a fucking hypocritic. U would hit me when I ate more food than usual I WAS A GROWING CHILD ITS A NORMAL FUCKING THING instead u made me have an unhealthy relationship with food. At 10 years old I stared starving myself NO 10 YEAR OLD NEEDS TO EXPERIENCE THAT. I STARTIED CUTTING MY SELF AT 12 EXCUSES MEEEEEEE?And when u found out ur reaction is “why are u doing that? Stop it”, hell my first suicide attempt I was fucking 11 but u didn’t know right? And when all the sadness turned into rage ur fav thing to do was berate me for being “a miserable angsty teen” “ur being rude” maybe if u paid enough attention it would have to get to that point. All the signs were there but u all ignored them. And after all that n I go out of my way to get my diagnosis Yall wanna act all sympathetic in my face y’all are fucking hypocriticals and that’s why I don’t like going to see y’all. At the of the day I was the child you were the adult. U should’ve known better. Go fuck yourself.

Sorry

[kkreadsstuff]

y'all i think i just read something so beautiful that it changed me LMFAO 😭 it's called "the witching hour" by neilistic and after reading it, i'm like.... different. i see colors more clearly. my heart has expanded. idk idk idk it was just SO AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL from top to mf bottom! and honestly based on the subject matter, i'm pretty shocked that i even liked it 😭😭😂😭

so it's a one shot (i would even dare to say short story), just above 12K words, dramione pairing (duh!!!) and it has an explicit rating. i was looking for something short to read because i accidentally added a book to my goodreads count and didn't know how to remove it so i couldn't just lie and say i read a book when i actually didn't and that's how i ended up here. ANYWAYS here's the summary:

“I feel like—a meteor crashed into my house and I’m the only one who can see it. I feel like a sketch on a piece of parchment instead of a real person. I feel like I will curse the next person who tells me to ‘just enjoy it’.” Hermione never thought she would be a solo parent. No one told her that it would be boring, and devastating, and that she would be filled with so much joy that she might burst any second. No one told Draco he'd feel the same way.

tags: Angst, Fluff, Smut, Single Parents, Babies, Newborn Children, DILF Draco Malfoy, MILF Hermione Granger, Breastfeeding, Tenderness, Good Parent Ron Weasley, Only One Bed, Tender Sex, Explicit Sexual Content, Intimacy, Romance

now listen lol i do my level best to avoid baby stories, pictures, and content of any and all kinds. i am militantly stubbornly and happily child-free. i've known i didn't want kids since i was a single digit age and since i started making this clear, everybody, they mammy, they grandmammy, and the neighbors dog has insisted that i will change my mind one day. still. to this day. at my big age. people still tell me that i will change my mind. 😑😑

anyway there are babies everywhere, in every place, at every time and most fanfiction that i have read involves people getting married and having babies or planning to have babies or like idk some kind of inheritance cycle or they've always wanted to be parents as an HEA and it's just so... *sigh* i just cannot relate. i'm exhausted talking about it. i'm exhausted for y'all. i'm exhausted for me. i'm exhausted for us.

HOW-FUCKING-EVER

the author's dedication at the beginning of the story? got meeeeeee right in my chest bitch, it says: "this one is for all those who care for tiny children, reading and writing on your phones in the dark." and i was like "🥲 wait that's really sweet. what is this feeling? compassion? wow." so i got into the story and i am SO glad that i did.

👁👄👁 SPOILERS BELOW 👁👄👁

so i start reading and my heart starts growing slowly and steadily. hermione just had her baby and breaks up with ron and he's a good dad to rose and they co-parent and that's all good. hermione is in a healing center after giving birth and she hears a baby crying somewhere far off and she carried rose to go find the baby. she finds the baby, notices on the babies chart that it says the babies mama done died, and she cries and i cry. she also notices that rose and this lil' baby were born on the same day. she decides to breastfeed this little baby while she also breastfeeds rose (which i thought was weird because why u breastfeeding somebody else's baby??? but anyways). she grows close to the baby obviously because she learns that the baby can't be with it's family yet (custody battle) so the nurses just let her keep breastfeeding the baby because otherwise he cries and won't eat or sleep.

fast forward, turns out it's draco's little baby scorpius that she has been nursing. they lock eyes when he comes to see his son for the first time, she hurries out the room feeling heartbroken, and then she leaves the healing center to go home, and then that's it for a few months. EXCEPT she starts sending bottles of her milk to the malfoy estate for scorpius. does this for a few months and draco doesn't send back any notes.

BUT THEN 👁👄👁 he writes and invites her over... and so much good things happen, i don't wanna keep typing it all out because i'm not gonna do it justice but this story is so good! it made me see parenthood in a different light and helped me feel compassion for those who choose to be parents, those who have lost their spouses, those who choose to love again after loss, i even felt good feelings towards ron for the first time in... ever 😭😂 this story is so good, i can't recommend it enough!

the writing is SUBLIME! it's poetic, the text painting, the imagery, the words hit like a ton of bricks in the best way. it's so vivid. it's so gorgeous. the characterizations, the conversations... i'm gonna cry just thinking about it. there were so many real momentts, so much mess, so much that left me sending grace and compassion to all those out there who can't just accio things and vanish messes. it is a truly gorgeous story and i am so glad that i read it. also DILF Draco and MILF Hermione for the fucking win!!!! the smut wasn't rushed and happened in the best way possible, the romance felt organic, i just.... my god, i can't say enough good about this lil' story. i am INSIDE of my fucking feelings bitch!

so with that being said:

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ / ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ she's a five star fic, ur honor!!!

[optimumonprime]

Fanfic Writer Interview

tagged by: @illegalpaladin (dank you kelly!!!)

what fandoms do you write in? Currently, Star Trek and Yugioh. My history is uh. varied.

how many words have you published in 2024? 59,693, though it honestly feels like more.

what is your greatest achievement this year? Not giving up on my first WIP in like a decade plus! I'm very proud of the story I've created with Something Like Magic and I'm excited to write the last chapter.

what are your top three fics you've written this year? My faves were:

Something Like Magic

Physician, Heal Thyself

Hard to Let Go

what was your biggest pit of despair moment? This will sound a bit glib but honestly it was when Physician, Heal Thyself hit 10,000 words. I was like, oh god. This was just supposed to be a pwp how could this happen to meeeeeee

what have you learned? Honestly just to write what you want to read and fuck the consequences. When I started Something Like Magic I was convinced that no one would read it because there were only two mageshipping fics in the 25 year history of the English yugioh fandom before that and I made my peace with that. It ended up being a delightful surprise that people DID like it. Likewise, I'm now writing mostly mccoy-centric star trek porn, and that's because I would like to read it.

did you beta any fics? any faves you want to shout out? I had the distinct honor of betaing @illegalpaladin 's Take Me/Let Me Go and hope I have the chance to do so again for future fics of theirs. I know we're not mutuals so I hope this isn't too weird but I do also want to shout out the work of @muirmarie who understands Star Trek characters, and specifically Bones, in a way I've see very few other writers achieve.

what three fics have you read this year that you love?

oh my god. okay.

Take This Sinking Boat and Point It Home by Punished Pyotr

we won't last long (give it our best shot) by Muir_Wolf

and the last one is kind of cheating because this wasn't the first year i read it but i did reread it and it remains probably the best fic ive ever read:

Send Us a Blindfold, Send Us a Blade by Trinary

what ideas are percolating for next year? It's all porn, babes! Here's what I got in the lineup:

-Bad Case of Loving You: Bones gangbang. When a parasite causes, ahem, tumescence in the away team, McCoy comes to the obvious solution on how to alleviate symptoms, and who is he to argue with Occam's Razor?

-Lay on Hands: the manhandling one. McCoy is the physician here, so why is it that he's always the one getting pushed around?

-You've Got the Touch!: real Spock possessive hours. A visiting Vulcan doctor is flirting relentlessly with McCoy. Spock is the only one to understand. Why he cares is a different matter.

-Debrief: everyone has a mirror!verse porn fic, right? After a rare diplomatic mission, Kirk employs Spock's assistance to recreate the mission for McCoy, so he can get an accurate mission report.

-Don't You Want to Come with Me?: a reversal of the odd man out McCoy fics. Kirk and Spock are together. McCoy loves them both and joins them frequently in bed on a strictly friends with benefits basis. Somehow McCoy is the only person satisfied with this.

I've also had this idea percolating around about bones medically prescribing, uh, himself as a sub to spock and jim who are in a relationship with each other but are both doms. so that will be fun to think about.

who do you want to thank? like Kelly, the @mcspirkevents events server has been so critical to how loved and accepted ive felt in fandom spaces this year. Couldn't do it without all you enablers!

tagging: @charaznablescanontoyota @fruitsboots @ncc1701ohno @cloudilicious

[thefrogdalorian]

The Best of Both Worlds - Chapter Five

Din Djarin x Female Reader Modern!AU

❁ Series Masterlist ❁ My Masterlist ❁ Read on AO3 ❁

Word Count:  13,028 (!!) Rating: General Summary:  Being back in the real world and returning to work after an incredible weekend at the convention where you had so many fun experiences is taking its toll on you. The thought of collapsing on your couch in front of The Mandalorian is the only thing keeping you going. However, the universe has other plans for you. News of an out-of-hours tour for a private client that you are asked to lead almost sends you over the edge, but when you finally meet the man, he is the opposite of what you were expecting. Weirdly, he seems familiar... Content Warnings: Reader deals with some depressing thoughts and has a panic attack. Past sexual harassment of reader is mentioned but not specified or described in detail. Also I got a bit political with this one in terms of being a British Museum hater, but not sure that should be a warning when it's a pretty logical train of thought. Author's Note:  Wow. This was an absolute MONSTER of a chapter and now over a third of the total word count so far! I have to give massive thanks to my beta @suresnips for making it through such a long chapter. My brain had melted after editing it and your feedback helped so much! As you read, you'll understand why it was so long. I knew it was going to be long when I came to edit it yesterday as it was already approx. 6k. Well, I more than doubled that, ha. I don't know if it's obvious but I'm a HUGE history nerd. However, I've only been to the British Museum once (for like an hour), and I was so disappointed with it. It truly is just full of things we looted and it did not me feel an ounce of patriotism, I was pretty disgusted. So I used reader as a mouthpiece for me! Also not sure if anyone remembers the absolute legend(s) who stole things from the museum but perhaps in this universe, it was our dear reader [for legal reasons this is a joke]. All the exhibits mentioned are real things in the collection and I'll link some information about them if anyone is curious: The Sutton Hoo helmet, Dürer's Rhinoceros, Lewis chessmen, Rosetta Stone Well, that's enough nerdiness for one A/N. Really hope you enjoy this chapter. Thank you for reading and for all the kind words so far, it means the world to meeeeeee!! If you're enjoying it, please don't be shy! I'd love to hear your thoughts :)

5. He's So Tall (And Handsome As Hell) [Reader's POV]

The first few days back in your routine after the convention had ended and Ria had gone home had been so desolate and depressing that it was difficult to make it through the day without bursting into tears. Real life could not compare to how incredible ForceCon had been. It was as though, for that long weekend, you had left the real world and inhabited the Star Wars galaxy. You wanted to stay there forever. Until you had been forced back down to earth with a devastating thud once the Dockside Convention Centre’s doors had closed for the final time on Monday afternoon. 

You were grieving so many different aspects of the entire experience. You missed everything. Primarily, of course, you missed your best friend who was now a continent away, separated from you by an entire ocean. But you also missed the electric atmosphere that came with knowing everyone, no matter their age or where they came from, was there for one reason and had been united by their passion for the same thing as you. It was an incredibly special feeling to know that you were ultimately united with everyone you interacted with through your shared love of Star Wars. You felt as though you had taken for granted the amazing talks and stalls, just hearing people discuss their passions had been enthralling. And of course, you missed the cosplays. Not walking past multiple incredible Mandos every day was taking some getting used to. Being back in the real world was disappointing, uninspiring and lonely, and you were thoroughly miserable.

Things were not getting any easier as each day this week had seemed harder than the last. Mercifully, though, it was finally Friday and you only had a few more hours to keep it together at work before you would have an entire weekend to yourself that would consist of just you, your comfiest clothes and endless episodes of The Mandalorian. You had already rewatched it twice through this week, the series you so adored had once again been a crutch in your most desperate hour of need. Watching Mando traverse the galaxy had once again helped you to present to the world as a functioning human being, despite how awful you had felt every day.

Usually, you at least made it back home first before you completely fell apart and the weight of your emotions became too much for you to bear. Today, however, you had been unsuccessful in managing to keep a lid on your emotions and had practically sprinted to your favoured hiding spot – a bathroom in a back corner of the third floor – to finally fall apart. You felt slightly pathetic as you sat on the toilet and stared at the lockscreen of your phone, feeling the hot tears scorch your cheeks. It was the photo you had taken with the incredibly realistic Mandalorian cosplayer that you were sure was the same one from the panel. He had been incredibly kind, offering to take another photo with you, despite how flustered you were. You felt like you had embarrassed yourself in front of him, babbling about a cosplay competition that he was likely fully aware of, given how incredible his costume was. You were stunned when he stopped you from walking away so that he could pose properly and Ria could snap an even better photo of you. It was an incredibly kind gesture from a stranger and was something you could have imagined Mando himself doing in the show. As well as how realistic the cosplay was and the way he had moved that sent your pulse racing, the man had even sounded like Mando. The resemblance was truly uncanny.

As you sat there, clutching your phone, you were contemplating texting Ria. You knew that she would always have a comforting word of advice for you. But you also knew she was thousands of miles away, dealing with returning to work herself and overcoming jet lag. You didn’t want to bother her, so you took deep breaths and squeezed your eyes shut as you attempted to regain your composure so that you were in a position to face the world again. You thought back to the sequence of events that explained how you found yourself locked in a deserted toilet in the back corner of the offices of the museum, attempting to compose yourself before you faced the world once again. 

It had been an awful day and you briefly wondered if you were in fact cursed. The weather had been miserable and rainy that morning, you were greeted with grey skies as you stepped out of your flat. You had learnt from your mishap the previous week though, and actually remembered to wear a coat. But that was where things stopped going right for you. Your tube line had been slightly delayed, resulting in it being even more crowded than usual when one arrived and you eventually boarded. The walk to work had been uneventful, aside from being slightly frustrated by the miserable British weather, but at least you had remembered your headphones so the soothing sounds of the Mando soundtrack could transport you to a distant galaxy.

You arrived at work, grumbling as you removed your headphones and were forced to face the real world. Ever since you walked through the ornate doors into the beautiful old building that you worked in, it felt as though everyone you encountered there had been conspiring against you to make your day as hellish as possible. It was one thing after another and before you knew it, you were at breaking point.

It seemed that today, everything had gone poorly. Your coworker, Tom, whom you had always had pleasant – if a little one-dimensional – chats about The Mandalorian with, was being a little off about your attendance at the con. When you arrived at the office, he approached your desk and asked you questions about the con and the jacket you had made, having seen it on your Instagram. At first, he had seemed genuinely interested but before long they veered into the condescending and that, in addition to the smug smirk on his face, made you feel intensely self-conscious. It reminded you of when the popular kids at High School would pick on the uncool kids, like you, for their enjoyment. As though your increasing uncomfortableness was a game to them. Tom's behaviour transported you back through the years to emotions that you never wanted to visit. Luckily, unlike in High School, this time you had somewhat stood up for yourself and asked him to leave you alone so that you could focus on your work. 

After successfully getting Tom to leave you alone, there were various tasks to be completed. You had taken two days of vacation time for the con and despite how little you had missed, it still meant there was inevitably a backlog to catch up on. It meant communicating with annoying co-workers. After a weekend surrounded by people who just got you in the way people at the con had, it was incredibly frustrating to be back amongst ‘normal,’ people.

Unsurprisingly, you had found that you were able to hold more conversations with people when you were all there for a common reason. It was less daunting somehow, if the conversation fizzled out you had Star Wars to lean back on. Now, though, there was none of that. You had to make small talk with real people. Deal with their needs. Day after day. Working in a museum had been your dream job throughout High School and University. You had lofty dreams of curating your own exhibitions. An ambition that was, as yet, to be realised. Though you would not give up.

Instead of designing exhibitions, you had found yourself giving the occasional tours to school children and manning the information desk for any visitor questions. It was a more people-facing job than you had intended. Which was a shame because you loved the collection, but you hated people. You could stand for hours and talk about the intricacies of an Anglo-Saxon helmet, but making small talk with visitors was beyond you.

Which is why you found the thought of delivering an intimate guided tour to a rich asshole tonight deeply upsetting, despite the brave face you had attempted to put on when your manager had delivered the distressing news.

“We need you to stay late tonight. A client has booked an after-hours visit.” Julie, your manager informed you when you were taking your first break of the day in the staff canteen.

“Who are they? Rich? Famous? Single?” you replied jokingly. It had been a humorous reflex, designed to hide your true feelings about the situation. You were proud of yourself, despite the buzzing that you suddenly felt rising in your head.

Julie just rolled her eyes and smiled. She was well used to your sense of humour by now, she knew you weren’t seriously going to attempt to start anything inappropriate with the visitor. Besides, most of the time you hated them and reverted to insulting them in ways too subtle for them to grasp.

“Very funny,” Julie deadpanned. “You can leave to get some food and have a break after your shift, but be back here and ready to meet him at six.”

“Okay,” You sighed and nodded slightly. There was no point in getting mad at Julie, you knew these kinds of things were not her decision but came from the museum higher-ups who scheduled such tours and requested certain employees. You knew you should see it as a compliment that you were frequently requested, but instead, you saw it as a burden and something to be resented rather than celebrated. 

Then Julie gave you a name – it was Dan or something? You couldn’t even remember – but your head was spinning with too many thoughts and trying to process the news, to be in a position to absorb any of the information your manager was telling you. 

After Julie had finished speaking, you promptly excused yourself from the canteen and ran to your preferred hiding place when the world got too much – an old, enormous single toilet tucked away behind a staircase on the third floor, where no one ever bothered to go. There were far more conveniently situated toilets throughout the building than this particular one, with its heavy wooden black door, complete with brass handle, and plumbing that did not appear to have been updated since the Victorian Era. 

But for you, it was a haven. A perfect place to deal with your emotions towards the whole situation. You were more than a little frustrated at the news, which was how you had probably come across to Julie. In fact, as you sat there in the toilet fighting back tears, you would say that you were devastated. It was so cruel; the one thing that had been keeping you going, the thought of comfortable clothes and Mando, something so simple, had almost been in your grasp. You could almost feel the soft blankets that you would burrow yourself underneath on your sofa, only to hear that for reasons beyond your control, you were going to have to wait even longer. It all felt so unfair.

All you had wanted to do after such a difficult week was return home, change into comfortable pyjamas and sloth out on the couch in front of an episode of The Mandalorian. Instead, you had to babysit some rich asshole who was inconsiderate enough to hire out an entire museum like this, without any care whatsoever for the workers’ wellbeing. I mean, if it was Beyoncé or someone, you would understand their need for privacy. But some random guy you had never heard of, an absolute Z-lister? Well, you hadn’t met him yet, but you already thought that he was pathetic and selfish. 

The whole system was inherently unjust. These private visits forced museum staff, who were barely on a salary above minimum wage, to stay behind after hours just to accommodate their whims. It sickened you to think about the sums of money that would be exchanged. Dan Nobody – or whatever his name was – was throwing tens of thousands of pounds at the museum to accommodate his enormous ego, all the while you would never see a penny of. It boiled your blood with how unfair it all was.

With your desolation now replaced with defiance, you made your way back to your office to continue the work that you desperately needed to catch up on. You sighed as your footsteps echoed through the wide corridors of the stunning old building. It was an absolute honour to work in such a beautiful place where history surrounded you and you knew how fortunate you were in that sense. But it would be a lie to say that you were completely happy with the realities of working for such an institution. As much as excitement had fuelled your first few months working here… now, disillusionment lingered around every corner. Gone was the bright-eyed, enthusiastic girl who had strolled in here straight out of University, feeling as though the world was at her feet because she had just prevailed during a tough application process and would now have the opportunity to work with the largest permanent collection of any museum in the entire world. Instead, she had been replaced with a more cynical woman who felt disenchanted by the surroundings which had once excited her so deeply.

After returning to your office, you spent the rest of your day busy catching up with your work, albeit with a knot of dread in your stomach about the prospect of having to put on a smile and greet yet another out-of-touch, obscenely wealthy man. You really hoped he wasn’t another creep. Unfortunately, you had encountered more than enough of them for one lifetime. Inevitably, every few months, some minor royal or businessman with more money than sense would book out your museum and due to your knowledge and enthusiasm, you were usually selected to be their guide. You had long suspected it was certain other traits which made you a desirable tour guide, though. For instance, you thought it strange that your colleague Tom never got chosen for the tours despite the fact the two of you had started at the museum at a similar time, so had a similar position and level of experience. But Tom was never selected, and neither were pretty much any of your male colleagues. No, it always seemed to be the younger female workers who were chosen to show the wealthy men around the museum. 

You loathed every single last one of them. You had never met a single one who you didn’t want to throttle within approximately five seconds of meeting them. You knew whenever you walked up to them what you were in store for, as they leered at you with their toothy grins and always pulled you in for a hug and kiss on both cheeks. It made you feel like just another exhibit for them to gawk at, not the intensely knowledgeable human being that you were. They always dressed the same way too, in ghastly chinos and loafers. They selected the kinds of outfits that made sure any onlooker could tell just by how they dressed, the extent of their personal fortunes. You hated every single last one of them. 

It felt so wrong to you that these people – who probably had some connection, not too far back in their family tree, to the atrocities that led to the museum possessing such an extensive collection in the first place – could pay obscene amounts of money to close off an entire museum that was usually free to enter. That money would be much better spent in other places. And every single last one of them had always treated the young female staff as though they were a package deal. They seemed to have the impression that the money they had spent entitled them to sexually harass the staff. So, you weren’t exactly looking forward to when six o’clock rolled around and you would have to endure another creep.

For the rest of the day, you were somewhat grateful that you had things to catch up on. Oh sure, it was dull archival work with difficult colleagues, but it was better than having too much time to think about the horrors that awaited you in the form of a golden pinky-ring-wearing asshole at the end of the day. Plus, it gave you a chance to charge your social battery in preparation for the tour that night.

But the end of your shift at five finally rolled around and you had an hour to grab some food after the museum shut and eat before you had to meet the client at six. You thought, bitterly, as you marched down the steps that at the same time you would have to be entertaining a rich creep, you could have been well on your way home to sprawl out on the sofa in front of The Mandalorian. Unfortunately, the universe was really out to get you today. Mando would have to wait.

As you stood inside the noodle shop around the corner from the museum, waiting for your order to be freshly cooked by the friendly owner who knew your order off by heart by now – such was the frequency of your trips here – you took your phone out of your pocket to message Ria. You hadn’t heard from her all day and you just wanted to vent to her, not expecting her to reply immediately as although it was early afternoon for her and you were sure she’d be awake, she would still be adjusting to jet lag after flying over to London for the convention and probably working herself.

[ilovemando] 17:16 ugh ria i have to work late tonight. some rich asshole has booked out the museum for a private tour

Fortunately, the ellipses popped up to indicate that Ria was typing an immediate reply. You breathed a sigh of relief, absolutely thrilled that you had some virtual company in your hour of need.

[thisistheslay] 17:17: Nooooo bestie I’m so sorry! Do you get paid overtime?

[ilovemando] 17:18: yeah but that’s not the point. i just want to go home and watch my comfort episode on the couch. post-con depression is hitting hard :(

[thisistheslay] 17:18: Don’t worry, The Foundlings will still be waiting for you when you get back! I’m sure seeing Mando protecting those kids will cheer you up, even if it’s the thousandth time you’ve seen it!

You began to tap out a reply, but your order number was called before you could send the message. After grabbing your bag of noodles, you tapped out a one-handed reply:

[ilovemando] 17:26: soz was collecting my noodles lmao. but ur right i guess. i just want to watch it NOW. i wanna see my man kicking butt to protect a class of Mandalorian kids, not deal with some old creepy rich guy who thinks renting out the museum also entitles him to sexually harass me. ugh. Mando wouldn’t treat me like that!! sorry for the rant. hope ur jet lag is getting better. miss u :(((

[thisistheslay] 17:29: Awww that sounds awful. I wish I could be there for you and give you a big hug. Let me know how it goes, yeah? You can call me when you’re done on the way home if you want to rant. I’ll be thinking of you. I love you, you got this! <3  

[ilovemando] 17:21: thanks ria. love you too <3

After reading and replying to Ria’s soothing message, you put your phone away as you walked back to the museum. You wanted some peace and quiet and sought out one of the break rooms to eat your food in and mentally prepare for the evening ahead. Fortunately, the museum had almost entirely cleared out of both visitors and staff by the time you made it back and you were able to enjoy your food in peace. 

Ria’s words had definitely comforted you, but your heart ached at how much you missed her. You knew that you were incredibly lucky to have a friendship like the one you shared, even if it meant that you couldn’t always be physically close to her. Remembering how you had sobbed on the platform before you put her on the tube to the airport as you were forced to say goodbye almost made you cry again. Then, Ria hit you with a lovely quote: “How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” It had made you cry harder, but when she revealed it was borrowed from Winnie the Pooh, your tears had turned to full-on laughter. Trust Ria to pull that one out at that moment! 

You smiled at that memory. At her sense of humour and how she always seemed to know the right words to say to you at precisely the right time. She was always there to build you up when you were feeling down, and boost your confidence when you needed it and in happier times, she was there to share in them too. All that, despite the distance. You missed her terribly. In some ways, you felt as though it might have been easier if your online friendship did not translate to the real world and things could have just fizzled out instead. Then again, you couldn’t imagine your life without Ria in it. Despite the distance, at least you could keep in regular contact thanks to the power of the internet. You were so grateful that she had been there to help talk you through the nervousness you felt about the upcoming guided tour.

You mindlessly scrolled through various social media apps on your phone as you watched the minutes tick by towards six p.m., looking at various pictures of Mando in an attempt to steady your nerves. You looked through all the messages that you had missed in the group chat, too. Although the second season of The Mandalorian had only finished airing in January, it appeared from various rumours that the third season was already in production. The details were always scant and anyone with any meaningful involvement in it was surely sworn to secrecy on account of the need to hide Mando’s identity. But a source had seemingly confirmed that production was beginning at The Volume, the studios that lay just a few miles outside of London. 

The timing of the news really could not have come at a better moment for you. It was something to focus on and to look forward to. Although this tour would inevitably be as awful as those that had gone before, it would soon be over and you would be able to join in with all the excitement and theorising with your group of friends over what lay in store for Mando in season three.

So, with a mixture of emotions, you left the break room and made your way through the lofty halls of the museum towards the entrance. You were both bursting with excitement at the knowledge that somewhere – only a few miles from here – the next season of your favourite show was currently being filmed and filled with and trepidation for the ghastly man that you were certain you were about to encounter, You braced yourself for the awful man you were sure you would be tasked with showing around the museum. You were trying your best to stay calm but you were absolutely dreading the tour. You were not in any mood to engage with people, let alone a complete stranger, today. 

As you neared the front entrance, you cast your mind back to the previous Saturday. Particularly, to the way you had stood up so passionately to defend Mando at the awful panel at ForceCon. See, you could do things, even in the face of idiots. You were a capable person. You would survive this.

But when you entered the entrance hall of the museum, you found that the man you were to give a tour to was unlike anything you had been expecting. Firstly, you noticed that he was not in the standard chinos and loafer uniform of the aristocracy. In fact, he was dressed rather casually, although still smart, in a high-necked brown jumper with dark brown trousers that almost matched the turtleneck sweater in shade. You noticed that he had brown boots on, too. The guy must really have a thing for brown. Then you noticed how uncomfortable the man seemed. He had not seen you yet, but he was standing there, glancing around the hall somewhat nervously, his fist clenching and unclenching at his side. But there was something else about him that you found intriguing… because the man you were to give a tour to had a child at his feet.

You were surprised to see such a young child; he couldn’t have been more than two or three years old, clinging to the man’s leg. Even though he had initially seemed different from all the others, now you found that the sight of such a small child brought out feelings of resentment from inside you. You thought about what a waste of money it was, to book out an entire museum for just him and a child that would never remember it. But you were still intrigued at what his story was and in particular, why he seemed so anxious.

You were so transfixed by the sight of the man you were to give the tour to, that you almost didn’t even notice the fact that he was standing next to one of your friends. Mo was one of the few people you actually liked at the museum and the two of you always had conversations whenever your paths crossed. You shared similar interests and humour. Mo was about your age and was always open to your rants about the museum, given his background as the son of immigrants from Pakistan. You found him a breath of fresh air, even if he still hadn’t watched Mando, despite you repeatedly nagging him to.

As you had closed the last few steps between you, though, the man did something you found rather odd. He gave you a strange look, almost a scowl, before rapidly looking away and focusing on anything else in the museum other than your impending presence next to him.

“Hi, Mo,” you smiled at him cheerfully, in an attempt to diffuse whatever tension the sight of you had evoked for the man. Suddenly, you felt immensely grateful that he would be somewhere in the vicinity during your tour. Mo nodded at you as you stepped forward and introduced yourself. “Hello, nice to meet you. I’ll be your tour guide around the museum tonight. Dan, was it?”

But the man did not say a word. He just stood there gawping at you, eyes wide and mouth opened slightly as his brown eyes remained fixed on your face. You were a little unnerved, not least because of the strange look he had given you as you approached. For a brief moment, a look of recognition flashed across his features. But you were certain that you had never seen this man before in your entire life. You would remember if you had, you were sure of that. He was incredibly handsome, probably at least ten years older than you and presumably married, judging by the baby he had with him. Bizarrely, you felt as though the pressure was off, even though it wasn’t like a simple museum tour was going to be the start of a great love story or anything. Besides, regardless of how attractive you found him, this man was strictly off-limits; it would be completely improper to start anything having met at work like this.

The man finally seemed to shake himself out of whatever stupor he appeared to have fallen into and finally introduced himself.

“Oh! Uh, hi. No, not Dan. My name is Din… Din Djarin,” Din explained as he offered his hand to you, which you took and shook slowly.

The warmth of Din’s enormous hand as it engulfed yours, dwarfing your smaller hand as your fingers touched his palm and felt the rough calluses there sent a chill down your spine. There was an unmistakable shock of something there, caused by the feeling of his skin against yours. You tilted your chin up to look at his face as your joined hands hovered in mid-air.

You were first taken in by how brown Din’s eyes were as they gazed at you as your hands slowly stopped moving together. They were deep and warm, the colour of the wood panelling in some of the oldest rooms here in the museum. His prominent nose was perhaps his most striking feature. It was aquiline and achingly beautiful, it reminded you of some of the sculptures the museum had of Roman Emperors. Din unquestionably had movie-star good looks, but without being unapproachable in his attractiveness. Yet, you were still absolutely captivated and intimidated by him. As your eyes continued to traverse his face, you noticed too that he had a neatly trimmed moustache underneath his stunning nose. There was slightly patchy stubble dotted along his defined jawline and high cheekbones, too. But the moustache was captivating, sat as it was atop his plush lips… lips that looked so soft and inviting…

Woah! You were going too far. You dropped Din’s hand abruptly and cleared your throat as you mentally berated yourself for staring at the lips of a guy you didn’t even know – a visitor, no less! A visitor who you were about to give a tour of the museum to, a visitor who had brought his young son. It was beyond inappropriate.

“Pleasure to meet you Mr Djarin. I’m looking forward to showing you around all of the wonderful exhibitions we are so lucky to have here,” you smiled, attempting to ignore both the heat you felt on your cheeks and the confused expression on Mo’s face.

Upon hearing your voice again, Din looked slightly taken aback and that look that you had momentarily witnessed flash across his features, as though he remembered you from somewhere, returned. But just as quickly as it had appeared, the recognition was gone from his face, replaced with a stern scowl. His brows pointed firmly downwards, along with his lips that were oh, so plush. A little wrinkle in the centre of his browline above his nose suddenly became prominent, which showed his age. You thought it was cute and ached to smooth it out with your fingertips. 

For heaven’s sake! You really needed to get a grip, it was ridiculous to be pining like a little lost puppy over a man you had just met. Especially one who seemed to have an aversion to you on the scale that Din clearly did. 

You stood there, heart pounding as the scowl did not fade from his features as quickly as you hoped it might. Whatever problem Din had with your presence was lingering. Great, he doesn’t like me, you thought. How had you already messed it up? Usually, you at least managed to hold it together for a few minutes before the mask slipped and your disdain for the rich assholes became obvious. But this was a new record, even for you. The two of you had barely spoken. And you actually didn’t hate this guy, you were more intrigued by him than disgusted, even if he was behaving a little strangely in your presence.

You were just about to offer to get Din a different tour guide and apologise profusely for whatever it was about your existence that was so off-putting when he finally opened his mouth and spoke.

“Please, you don’t have to call me Mr Djarin. Just Din is fine,” Din said, brown eyes widening as he suddenly snapped out of whatever trance he had been in. Then, he nodded his head – causing a few brown curls to fall over his eyes – and added: “This is my son, Grogu. I don’t know if you were expecting him and I hope he isn’t too young for the tour, but wherever I go, he goes.”

“Aww, he’s adorable!” you exclaimed, unable to help yourself despite your usual disdain for children. You crouched down so you were eye-level with Grogu to greet him properly too. “Hello there, Grogu,” you whispered softly.

The little boy was dressed in a green onesie and his dark curly hair peeked out from underneath the matching green hood. You noticed too, now that you were closer, that he was fiddling with a shiny metallic ball, clutched tightly in his hand. It was a pretty unusual outfit for a museum tour, but you did not judge either of them. You noticed that Grogu seemed a little nervous, as he stood there, unmoving with a blank expression and contemplated you. The biggest brown eyes that you had ever seen in your entire life were staring right back at you, traversing their way across your face.

With his impossibly large eyes and deep bronze skin, even you who ordinarily disliked children had to admit that Grogu was a little charmer. Perhaps it was the fact that you had never really been surrounded by that many children which explained why you had never been particularly fond of them. Either way, even you had to admit: that Grogu was completely adorable. Even if he did not seem keen to acknowledge your existence in any meaningful way.

“He doesn’t always take kindly to strangers…” Din explained as you knelt there, waiting for a response that never came.

“Well, that’s fine!” you smiled at Grogu before you stood up straight. “As long as he takes kindly to museums, I’m sure we’ll have a great time together.”

“Thank you,” Din nodded and swallowed thickly, his voice full of an emotion that you could not quite place.

“How old is Grogu?” you asked, attempting to make some more small talk to put the pair of them at ease.

“He’s thirty-eight months,” Din said quietly as he looked down towards his son, who was still clutching onto Din’s calf with the hand that wasn’t grasping the metallic ball.

You usually found it obnoxious, the way parents measured their babies’ ages in months – just say he’s three! But there was something about the way Din looked at Grogu, the pride you saw there in those warm brown eyes, that stopped you from getting frustrated with him.

“Well, it’s a pleasure to have you both here. There’s no minimum or maximum age for loving history!” you said enthusiastically and then internally cringed. You had perhaps said that a little too enthusiastically to remain authentic to yourself. But part of being a good tour guide was giving your guests a little bit of a show and despite their somewhat mystifying reactions to your existence, you were eager to impress Din and Grogu. “Are there any areas that you are particularly interested in seeing? Unfortunately, the collection is so vast that we won’t have time to see it all, but if there are any specific areas of history that you are especially interested in, I’ll make sure that we see them!”

“To be honest, I don’t know that much about uhh… your history,” Din said, reaching to touch the back of his neck with his hand in a soothing motion.

“Well, you’ve come to the right place to learn!” you said reassuringly.

The man before you seemed somewhat embarrassed about his lack of knowledge, but you loved it when people came here as a blank canvas and you got to tell them about things they had never heard of before. It was one of the most satisfying parts of the job. 

Ironically too, when Din had said he did not know much about your history, the man clearly had no idea that most of this museum did not even show British history. It was an inescapable fact that you had become increasingly sickened by during your time working here. The reality of just how much of the collection had been accumulated due to violent pillaging and plundering of other nations' resources had led to you becoming increasingly disillusioned by the institution as a whole. Although the museum boasted an extensive, impressive collection… so much of it was stolen treasures from the rest of the world. 

You tried not to shy away from the fact, even though management would have been furious if they ever discovered you had brought such a truth up. So, you had to be tactful in your methods. After all, you were a firm believer that change came from within. Despite how tempted you had been to quit your job when you had first realised how little of Britain's history was here, and how the colonial past was gushed over, you had stayed, fearing that perhaps your replacement would have been ignorant to such a fact. You also remained, hoping that you could one day leave the museum in a better condition than the one you found it in.

“Enjoy the tour,” Mo nodded at Din. Then, he approached you and whispered for only you to hear: “Already gave him the stern, don’t-be-a-creep and don’t steal anything talk. Call me if you need anything,” Mo finished and handed you a walkie-talkie.

You placed the device in your pocket and smiled as Mo left, grateful that you had a good friend who would look out for you. Although it seemed that it would be unnecessary, given just how guarded your little tour party seemed.

“Right!” you exclaimed and clapped your hands together, unofficially marking the start of the tour. “If it’s okay with the pair of you, I would love to show you to the exhibition which contains the Lewis chessmen. It’s the oldest surviving chess set from the British Isles and it’s one of the most famous pieces in our collection.”

“Sounds good to me,” Din nodded with a smile as he leaned down to pick Grogu up. Then, he indicated for you to lead the way with his hand.

You kept your distance as you headed in the direction of the infamous chess set. Sometimes you would hang back and engage the guests in small talk or point out various features of the museum. But there was an unmistakable anxiousness present in both Din and Grogu, so you decided to give them space as they adjusted to their new surroundings.

You had intended to take them directly to the chess set, but then an idea struck you for how to get Grogu more engaged. Although you weren’t the biggest fan of children, the feeling did not appear to be mutual as the kids who visited the museum on school trips usually warmed to you surprisingly quickly. Grogu was proving to be somewhat more of a challenge though, but you dreamt up an idea to hopefully engage him a little more.

You stopped and turned around to face Din, who was carrying Grogu tightly in his arms so that the little boy’s chin was resting on one of his broad shoulders. Din came to a stop and glanced at you curiously.

“I know I promised I would take you to the chess set and we can still go there, but I was thinking first that we could pass through the wing which houses our Ancient Egypt collection?” you suggested. “I’m a guide for most of the school trips that visit us and it always seems to be the area that the kids most enjoy.”

“Oh. That’s very… kind of you,” Din rasped. “Thank you.”

You nodded and began walking ahead of your guests again, grateful that Din would not see the effect he was having on your ordinarily calm, composed demeanour. Although he appeared to be a man of few words, every time Din did speak, you felt the way your knees weakened. His voice was so low and gravelly, it was deep and rich. With a voice like that, you thought that it was a crime that he did not speak more often. Though you supposed, it was a good thing after all. His voice was so attractive that it was almost distracting.

Eventually, you made it to the Egyptian section of the museum. You really hoped that it would have the intended impact on Grogu, who was still utterly silent in Din’s arms. You knew that kids usually loved this exhibition most of all. There were sarcophaguses and all kinds of intricate patterns that all the school trips who visited the museum made it a priority to see. 

As you walked through the room, you gave a brief history of this wing of the museum and drew Din and Grogu’s attention to the most notable exhibit: The Rosetta Stone. Afterwards, you told them to let you know if they needed any help. Then, you kept your distance as you wanted to give Din and Grogu some privacy to explore the collection and hopefully become a bit more accustomed to their surroundings. You sensed that Din was not particularly used to museums and it was perhaps making him a little uneasy to be in one. Which made you all the more curious as to why he had organised a private tour.

You maintained your distance but still stood close enough so that you could help them if they needed it. But as you stood back to observe Din Djarin moving between the cases which housed so many ancient treasures, you were struck by the way he somehow seemed oddly familiar. Just as there had been a small flash of recognition on his face when he first saw you, you felt as though you had seen him somewhere before yourself. 

You wondered whether he was actually more famous than he was letting on. After all, he was handsome enough to be an actor or a model. Perhaps you had seen him onscreen somewhere before, even if it was only a minor role. At that moment, Din placed Grogu on the ground and the little boy began to toddle his own path through the exhibits. You observed the way Din followed him around, noticing that there was a certain swagger to the way that he moved and the way his arms swung by his sides that felt familiar. It was his gait, the way he held his arms, something about him gave you the strangest sense of déjà vu. 

But try as you might, you just could not put it all together, even though it felt like you were missing something frustratingly obvious. You felt like you were continually chasing something that was just out of reach. Finally, you felt as though you were about to piece everything together and had almost figured out just where you knew him from when Din called your name and waved you closer. It was a stark reminder that you had a job to do, after all. Din was your visitor, your guest… you needed to get a grip on your emotions.

You approached the case Din was standing in front of, he turned to you with his mouth open, he clearly wanted you to ask you about something. You had expected him to question you on the collection of ornately carved, wooden cat mummies that he was currently standing in front of. But surprisingly, despite the treasures that lay just the other side of the glass, Din’s mind was seemingly elsewhere. 

“Are you working overtime just for us?” Din said quietly, staring straight ahead at the display while Grogu toddled around at your feet.

You were utterly astounded by his audacity. You knew the rich and famous were out of touch but, holy shit! This guy was on a different level. Of course, you were working overtime! If it wasn’t for him, you would be back at home with nothing but you, Mando and lots of peace and quiet. But no, Din fucking Djarin over here had to get in the way of you and your comfort bounty hunter.

“I am,” you replied curtly.

“I hope you’re well paid for it,” Din offered, sympathetically. You were about to bite back with a sarcastic comment, but his next comment stopped you in your tracks: “This wasn’t my idea, by the way. I’m over here in London for work which means I have to spend a lot of time away from my home. It’s just my son and I,” Din continued and you noticed the way he clenched and unclenched his hands that hung by his sides into fists as he spoke. “So, my bosses like to book little excursions like this every so often to stop us from going crazy out of boredom. I just wanted you to know that. To be honest, this kind of thing sort of embarrasses me. I don’t feel good about all the trouble you’ve clearly had to go to, about you staying late and… stuff.”

“Oh…” you breathed. All the bitterness and simmering hatred that you felt for this man had completely disappeared. He was just a lonely single dad, staying far away from home. You wondered what Din’s story was and how Grogu came to be featured in it. There was blatantly a strong bond between them that went beyond words. Indeed, you had not heard the little boy utter a single word, even after being let loose in the Egyptian exhibition. You also, perhaps more selfishly, wondered whether Grogu’s mother was in the picture and whether he was adopted. But that was incredibly invasive, it was not for you to know such personal details. You were just here to show them around the museum and ensure that they had as enjoyable a time as possible. 

“I really am sorry that you had to stay extra late for us. Perhaps I can speak to my bosses and the museum and make sure that all of you, the cleaners, security and the like are fairly compensated.” Din said earnestly as he turned to look at you. His words and face were full of sincerity and you found yourself almost lost in the big brown eyes that had been slowly worming their way into your heart since the first time you had stared into them in the entrance hall.

You were stunned, not only by how physically appealing you found him – if a man could be beautiful, you would deem Din Djarin worthy of such a description – but you were also floored by the beauty of his words. You were stunned by what a humble man he appeared to be, despite the enormous wealth that was seemingly available to him. Surely, if his bosses were so exceedingly rich, then Din himself must be, too? It was hard to believe that because, despite his affluence, Din seemingly still retained his humanity and cared about ordinary people. You were absolutely bowled over by this man. He was nothing like what you had been expecting.

“Thank you for apologising but really, it’s fine. Just one of those things that I have to do. You’re uh, actually the first ever person on one of these visits who has ever acknowledged that. So, thank you, Din. It means a lot,” you smiled at him, feeling your stomach flip at the way he was staring at you. “It’s not like you’ve interrupted much anyway tonight, to be honest. Usually, I just go straight home after work. I’d be lying on the couch in front of the TV by now. But you and Grogu have been a pleasure to show around thus far,” you admitted. You were unsure why you had told Din such a thing, usually feeling embarrassed about your preference for solitude. But there was just something about that man, with his earnest brown eyes, that made you want to tell him everything about yourself. 

“I’m glad to hear that. Thank you for being such a great guide,” Din said appreciatively. And you knew he meant it. Din wasn’t speaking with the fake sincerity that so many of the other obnoxious rich clients that you were so accustomed to showing around the museum, either. It was genuine. You could tell that from the look in his eyes and how solemn his voice was that he meant every word.

“You’re welcome. If you’re ready, we can head to the next area that I'm going to show you to. It contains a stunning artefact known as the Sutton Hoo helmet and it’s perhaps the most famous artefact here that was not stolen from another country,” you observed, dryly.

Din raised his eyebrows at your statement and your heart dropped for a second, fearing that you had perhaps pushed things a step too far. After all, you knew nothing about this man’s background. Perhaps he was one of them. Before you could worry for much longer, though, he burst out laughing at your observation. You let out a sigh of relief and found yourself laughing along with him, too. His joy was infectious and the way the wrinkles showed around his eyes as they half-shut in mirth made your heart soar.

“I did notice that when I was reading the descriptions in this section,” Din nodded. “I don’t think Giza is in the UK. But it never says how the artefacts ended up here. They just act as though everything here magically appeared in London one day.” 

“Yeah, of course. It was just raining artefacts in the Victorian Era,” you rolled your eyes. “But uhh… can I just ask that if you get asked for any feedback about the tour at all… please, please don’t tell my boss I said that. We’re really not supposed to acknowledge that part of the museum’s history,” you pleaded, despite how much you felt as though you inherently trusted Din. 

“Of course I won’t,” Din promised as he shook his head, “I think it’s important to talk about it and it’s a shame if you cannot speak openly.”

“Exactly. I always think how can you not mention it, when it’s staring you right in the face? So I try to slip it in where possible whenever I give tours. I’ve made references to it in front of royalty before now, but they were too dense to notice. Didn’t get taught about what their ancestors did at their posh schools, it seems,” you admitted with a shrug, your blood boiling at the memory of how condescending the minor royals that you had never even heard of had been throughout your tour. “So that’s why I always try to talk about it, especially in future exhibitions I plan to curate. This is probably why none of my proposals have ever been selected, come to think of it. Colonialists don’t like it when you point out how many things you’ve stolen, it transpires.” you said with a wry smile

“No, they don't,” Din said, one corner of his mouth curling into a smirk as he regarded you.

For a few moments, all thoughts of where the tour was headed left your head. You felt immobilised by the way Din was staring at you. Gone was the scowl of earlier, you felt as though he was staring at you as though he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Not in a patronising way that you were well used to, though. He was staring at you in the same way you had witnessed so many visitors stare at the assortment of wonders in the museum: in complete awe.

“Anyway, the helmet is this way.” you said, shaking your head as you stepped out of his gaze and turned to leave the room.

Once again, you walked a few paces ahead of Din and Grogu. You didn’t trust yourself to face him at that moment because of the way that he had just looked at you. It was difficult to remain professional after that. Having someone look at you like that was something you were incredibly unused to. Perhaps you were delusional, but you were certain that Din had just gazed at you as though he was mesmerised by you, taking you in and considering you slowly. 

You suddenly felt a bit shaky after it, feeling the unmistakable thundering of your heart in your chest. Din had regarded you as if you were a beautiful artwork of some kind, rather than just the lowly museum worker that you were. It was enthralling to have someone look at you like that. You were not used to it… it had been years since your last proper relationship. But when you thought back to how your ex looked at you, you were certain you had seen that same admiration in Din’s eyes. But surely, that was ridiculous. Din was a few years older than you, possibly even married, given the child he had with him. You were probably just projecting your hopes onto a situation that was not there. It was a little bit desperate.

Mercifully, the helmet was not too far away from where you currently were in the museum and you made it there quickly enough that you did not have to dwell on the way Din looked at you for an uncomfortably long time. All you knew for certain was that the thought of him looking at you like that again was simultaneously the thing you wanted most in the world and a deeply terrifying and mortifying prospect. But there was no time for you to dwell on it or even really talk to him. There was, instead, an old helmet for you to look at and explain the history of to your visitors. 

You showed Din to the glass case it was displayed in as your heart rate somewhat returned to its normal rate. Talking about Anglo-Saxon antiques was sure to help you in getting a handle on your emotions. Fortunately, your feelings towards the Sutton Hoo helmet had never lessened, despite any more general disillusionment you felt towards the entire institution. Indeed, it was a photograph of this very helmet which had captured your imagination many years ago and sent you down a path that culminated in you working here at the museum. There was something about it that captured your imagination every time you saw it, no matter how many times you had observed it up close. Just knowing that people many centuries ago had created it and gazed upon it with their own eyes somehow made you feel closer and further away from the past than ever.

The helmet was mainly faded to a brown colour now but despite its age, it was remarkably complete. It had a cap, cheek-pieces, mask and neck-guard. The nose detail and eye holes meant one could visualise where the warrior had once placed his head. The two strips of metal that hung around and down the face piece on either side always reminded you of the tusks of an elephant. The gold strip that went from near the top of the helmet towards the nose was an indication of how ornate the helmet had once been. You, Din and Grogu – who was nestled in his father’s arms – stood there for a few quiet moments, regarding the helmet quietly.

“Incredible craftsmanship. Remarkable too, how it has survived for so long. How old is it?” Din asked. 

“We think it was made somewhere between the late sixth and early seventh centuries. So it’s well over one thousand years old, whichever way you look at it,” you explained, delighted that Din wanted you to share your expertise. “It’s a mixture of iron and tinned copper alloy. Some of the patterns have been lost but you can just make out some animals and warrior motifs. The nose and mouth-piece were cast as one and they have a silver inlay with some engraved details. It’s really a fine work and incredible to think about how old it is.”

“Fascinating, thank you,” Din said, before he leaned down and whispered proudly to his son: “See, Grogu, they didn’t make them the same way that we do.” 

You thought it was a bizarre comment, but you had no right to press Din for details, given that he had probably not intended for you to hear such a thing. Perhaps Din was involved in manufacturing military equipment, or something. You did not doubt that there was a lot of money in that line of work, enough money that would allow bosses to rent out the British Museum. 

Despite your longstanding admiration for the Sutton Hoo helmet, you found that every time you looked at it now, your mind was reminded of another helmet: the one that your favourite character wore. Since first watching the show, you found that every time you were here in the presence of the Anglo-Saxon artefact, you always thought of Mando. You marvelled each time at how people who lived so long ago possessed the technology to create such an intricate piece of art. Although much of the detailing had sadly been lost to time, it was nonetheless an incredible feat. It also made you wonder if, in the Star Wars galaxy, Mandalorian helmets were on display like this in museums just like the one you worked at. Or was the warrior race too secretive? Had anyone ever captured a Mandalorian to examine their craftsmanship? 

You were so caught up in that thought, musing over the possibility of there being an equivalent to the Sutton Hoo helmet in the Star Wars universe, that you failed to notice that at some point, while you had been explaining the helmet’s history and quietly admiring it with Din, his son had toddled off. Neither of you noticed that anything was amiss until you heard the unmistakable sound of someone rapping on the glass of one of the displays. You spun around in shock, confused and disorientated, wondering what the noise was; but Din was on it right away.

“Grogu! No!” Din exclaimed as he ran towards his son.

The sound of the metallic ball clutched in Grogu’s chubby little hands went tap tap tap as it collided with the glass case which housed one of the most significant carvings in European history.

You turned around and smiled at the sight – you couldn’t help yourself, despite the fact you probably should have been delivering a stern reprimand – as Din scooped Grogu up and held him to his chest. At some point, while you had been explaining the Sutton Hoo helmet to Din, Grogu had got seemingly bored by your lecture and wandered off to explore something he found far more interesting. 

“I’m so sorry,” Din said apologetically as you came to stand next to him.

“Oh, don’t worry. Those cases are designed to protect against chemical warfare, bullets, fires… anything you can think of,” you smiled, looking down at Grogu who seemed blissfully unaware of the panic he had just elicited in the pair of you. “An excitable toddler is no match. It isn’t like the movies, no red lasers are going to shoot out of the ceiling, I assure you.”

However, just as you were explaining you heard the unmistakable sound of hurried footsteps in the corridor outside, which probably belonged to a member of the museum’s security team as they sprinted to check what the commotion was. Grogu had probably unknowingly activated some kind of security system. The mystery security guard shouted your name and you realised it was Mo, who was clearly sizing the situation up and whether he needed to storm in, guns blazing.

“It’s fine, Mo!” You shouted in reply. “Just a little excited kiddo here, absolutely nothing to worry about.”

“Okay! Just checking!” Mo replied as his footsteps stopped. When they resumed, they grew more distant as he disappeared elsewhere in the museum.

“Thank you,” Din said appreciatively. He exhaled and turned to look at you, a mixture of embarrassment and gratitude on his face that you hadn’t made this into a big deal.

“It’s fine,” you shrugged. “You know, we don’t have too much art here in this museum. I’m surprised he was so drawn to this, I wouldn’t expect a child to like it as it's pretty much just a technical drawing and there are no colours. The art we do have is great though, although it’s nothing like the National Gallery, their collection is amazing,” you mused.

“No, but it’s still a beautiful piece. I think he just likes the look of the armour. I really am sorry about all the commotion,” Din reiterated his apology.

“Oh, really, Mr. Djarin. It’s fine,” you said reassuringly, hoping that your choice not to refer to Din by his first name would place some distance between the two of you. “The security guys just get a little jumpy after hours, that’s all.” 

“Please, I absolutely insist that you call me Din. Mr. Djarin makes me sound like an old man!” Din joked.

“Okay Din,” you giggled, but were desperate to change the subject. “You know, if Grogu is interested in art, there’s also the National Gallery, another museum here. It gets quite busy at peak times, as all museums do. The crowds particularly gather around Van Gogh’s sunflowers. I mean, I get it. He’s my favourite painter and I love that piece. But there’s so much other art that gets neglected, lonely at its expense. People just walk up to the sunflowers, snap their pictures and leave. The whole thing is very impersonal… they don’t take a second to appreciate the hours that the artist spent agonising over every little detail, you know?”

“It is a shame… that people cannot stop to appreciate beautiful things when they’re standing right in front of them…” Din’s voice had dropped to barely above a whisper as his brown eyes focused on you, smiling at you thoughtfully.

You cleared your throat and looked down, feeling the familiar warmth that came with embarrassment creep up your neck and onto your face. Your cheeks were suddenly burning. The look Din had given you when he said beautiful had made you feel slightly dizzy. You weren’t sure whether he was referring to the art or you. It made you feel slightly lightheaded. You had almost forgotten what it felt like to be spoken to like that, it had been so long since anyone had seen you in that way. 

It was somewhat alarming to you, too, how quickly you felt comfortable around Din. Perhaps it was watching his interactions with Grogu but, despite his broad shoulders and muscular frame, there was an undeniable gentleness to him. It had been a long time since you had opened up to anyone as easily as you had to Din. Oh sure, you were only explaining that you sometimes enjoyed looking at art at a certain gallery and that you liked to lounge around in front of the TV. They weren’t your deepest, most intimate secrets or anything. But for someone who took so long to feel comfortable around others, it said something about how at ease you felt with Din that you were able to tell him these little things about yourself so soon after meeting him.

“Yes… it’s a shame,” you eventually agreed. “Anyway, sorry for going on a rant about selfish gallery-goers. Would you like me to tell you more about the artwork?” you asked, remembering what you were being paid for and attempting to steer the conversation back towards something that you were infinitely more comfortable with – historical artefacts.

“That would be great, thank you,” Din nodded as he placed Grogu down.

“The piece that captured Grogu’s imagination, as it transpires, is one of the most important carvings in European history. It’s a woodcut of a rhinoceros created by a German painter called Albrecht Dürer in 1515, who never even saw the beast. He carved it based on a description from an Indian writer,” You explained as you launched into a passionate lecture about the history of Dürer’s rhino, the two pairs of big brown eyes that belonged Din and Grogu watching you intently. “Clearly, the carving is not wholly accurate, as the rhinoceros looks as though it has plates of armour on its body, rather than the skin anyone from modern times knows that rhinos actually possess. But it was the best they could do. I always find it astonishing that people from such a long time ago were able to create such intricate pieces of art,” you marvelled, hoping to fill Din and Grogu with the same sense of wonderment that you felt when you thought about the past.

Sometimes, you felt embarrassed about the extensive knowledge that you possessed, that you could always launch into such detailed lectures at a moment’s notice. There were so many people in your past who had viewed your knowledge as patronising arrogance on your part, distorted by their inadequacies to believe that you were showing off somehow and attempting to make them feel inferior. But you were not, you were just passionate and enthusiastic about the world that surrounded you, particularly the past. You enjoyed sharing that passion and knowledge with other people. It was never born out of a desire to make them feel bad for what they did not know, but to help them to learn something new and perhaps open their minds.

But you felt none of that embarrassment as you concluded your lecture, still being watched intently by Din and Grogu: “As you can imagine, this would influence perceptions of rhinoceros for centuries, even though it was not accurate. Would be pretty cool if rhinos wore armour though, wouldn’t it, Grogu?” You finished, smiling at the little boy who had listened to you so patiently.

“Thank you for that. I’m sure Grogu would agree, he likes…. Uh… armour,” Din said, reaching up to squeeze the back of his neck again, just as he had done shortly after you met in the entrance hall.

You smiled and nodded, appreciating the praise. But Din’s comment about the armour stood out to you, especially when you considered what he had said to Grogu about the Sutton Hoo helmet earlier. You were beginning to feel more certain now that Din probably had something to do with weapons, somehow. Perhaps it was his main line of work, or perhaps he was one of those enthusiasts who reenacted battles in his spare time… now that was a funny image.

But Din continued speaking before you could dwell on the comment any longer: “Grogu really likes animals too. I think he likes them more than the art and history aspect, as interesting as they were,” Din remarked.

“Oh, there’s a zoo here in London, you know? I think it has some rhinos, but if he likes animals perhaps it would be a nice day out for the two of you. I haven’t been for a while, usually, it’s full of tourists, but if I get a day off and it’s not the summer, I do like hanging out there,” you admitted.

“I would love to visit sometime, hopefully, Grogu and I can find the time while we’re over here,” Din said, touching his chin as if he were deep in thought.

“Yes, it’s definitely worth a visit. A lot of people seem surprised that London has such an impressive zoo with animals from all around the world. It often gets overlooked in favour of all the more touristy sights. You know, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace and shopping on Oxford Street. And don’t get me wrong, I do love going to those places from time to time. It never ceases to amaze me that I live in the capital city, you know. But I think there is just as much value to be gained from getting out in nature and exploring the natural beauty our world has to offer,” you said, thoughtfully.

“Me too. A lot of nature can be so… beautiful.” Din breathed, that look was back again as he used that word once more.

You felt that familiar skin-warming sensation creep back up your neck again and gazed down at the floor, moving away from his penetrating gaze as you invited them to follow you to look at some more of the collection. You roamed around the exhibition with the two of them for a little bit longer after you felt that you had spent enough time looking at the carving of the rhinoceros.

Eventually, after quickly looking at some of the art from the Arab world that was in the collection, it was time for you to draw the tour to a close. You ushered Din and Grogu back down the grand stone staircase in the main, airy room that was still lit naturally despite the late hour. It was late June so the sun did not sit till late, though the sunlight that streamed down in the day had begun to dim now. 

Din’s brown hair and eyes looked golden in the sunset light, his eyes were glowing almost the colour of honey. He was stunning. You couldn’t believe how much you found yourself enthralled by this man, even though you had just met him. Throughout the tour, you had both connected over history and your shared values. It was nothing too deep though and you were only operating in a professional capacity, but it was pathetic how much you already felt drawn to him. You needed to get over yourself. 

Fortunately, you soon would as you were about to say goodbye. You knew in your heart of hearts that, much as you had enjoyed your time spent with him, once you said your goodbyes and he left through the door with Grogu, that would be the very last you would ever see of Din Djarin. 

“Thank you for being such an incredible guide,” Din said, reaching out to shake your hand again. “Grogu and I had the best time.”

You could barely choke out a reply. You wondered whether Din had felt the same spark of electricity that you felt when he had taken his hand in yours. His skin was surprisingly smooth and warm; if you weren’t completely deluding yourself, you swore that his hand lingered on yours a beat longer than it had when you had introduced yourself to him. Even though you had both left your hands on each other for a near-uncomfortably long amount of time even then. Din looked directly into your eyes, the brown of his irises was now flecked with golden streaks. You wanted to lose yourself in those eyes. What a shame you had to part.

“It was my pleasure. I hope you learnt something new on the tour, something that you take with you always,” you smiled, still looking into his eyes. “Enjoy the remainder of your time here in the UK.”

Din thanked you one last time and even got Grogu to wave to you. Then he was gone, his footsteps echoing off the marble floors and tall ceilings. You were left there in his wake. This enigmatic man, with kind brown eyes and brown curly hair, had been so kind to you despite all your expectations to the contrary. You knew that you would never cross paths with him again and that thought pained you somewhere deep inside. You felt as though Din had brought something to your life that you had not realised you were missing. What a loss, a loss of a man that you barely even knew.

Still, you consoled yourself with the thought that at least you had your comfy couch and endless episodes of The Mandalorian to go back to. Your favourite show would always be there for you. Mando would never leave you standing there, pining for him. It was ridiculous! You shook your head, trying to pull yourself out of the trance that Din had just left you in. You needed to get home before it was too late.

You grabbed your belongings from the office and finally began to head for home, several hours later than you had been anticipating but still grateful that at least the tour had not been an utter disaster. Perhaps that would have been better, though, you mused. Rather than leaving you with such a twisted, tangled mess of feelings.

To distract yourself from the impossibly noisy drunken teenagers who were heading for a night out – suddenly making you feel ancient – you passed your time on the journey home with your nose buried into your phone, texting Ria about the man you had just given a tour to.

[ilovemando] 20:42 - RIAAAAA i just showed the hottest guy around the museum for a private tour. dreamy brown eyes, deep voice, tall, broad shoulders. he was older though and had a kid but i think he called me beautiful at one point? dgsdhgs maybe i’m delulu but wow he was fucking HOT i am yearning

You stared around the carriage absentmindedly, waiting for Ria to reply as you wished your noise-cancelling headphones could make everyone disappear, especially the drunk dickheads on your train. Fortunately, Ria was chronically online and you didn’t have to wait too long for her to reply.

[thisistheslay] 20:44 - Omg bestie!!! Did anything else happen, do you think you’ll see him again? A private tour though ugh. Eat the rich!!

[ilovemando] 20:47 - nahhh i cant see him again, didnt get his number. would’ve been unprofessional lmao. we just spoke quite a lot, i guess. it felt more relaxed than a lot of the tours i gave recently actually. he was really sweet. works a good job so thats how he got the tour… not rich arsehole vibes at all. fuck im crushing on a man i’ll never see again. pain

[thisistheslay] 20:49 - I mean, better than crushing on someone who doesn’t even exist? 

You threw your head back and snorted. That was a low blow, but probably deserved.

[ilovemando] 20:50 - RIA??????? UNCALLED FOR!!

[thisistheslay] 20:51 - Sorry, sorry. I know Mando is real to you.

[ilovemando] 20:51 - ur damn right he is lmao. gonna watch the foundlings when i get back. if no one else got me, i know mando got me… can i get an amen

[thisistheslay] 20:53 - AMEN! The only man who deserves rights.

[ilovemando] 20:54 - so true bestie. anyway gonna put my phone away and stare out of the window for the rest of the journey and listen to the mando soundtrack while imagining we’re flying through space in the razor crest together…. im so mentally stable. ill live text u my mental breakdown when watching the foundlings when i get home :))))

[thisistheslay] 20:56 - Hahah you really are, very healthy behaviour. Please do, I’ll look forward to it, work is dragginggggg

You smiled and put your phone in your pocket, doing exactly as you said. As far above you, the dense city turned into lush suburbia, you were elsewhere. Not even on this earth as you daydreamed about Mando next to you.

You almost missed your stop, such was the vividness of your daydream. You wished you could escape to that fantasy world and stop pining for a man you hardly knew. The time you had spent with Din had been the happiest you had felt since the convention since Ria had left. But it had been fleeting, temporary and now you were heading back to reality which, for you, was lying on your couch on a Friday night, watching your comfort episode of Mando for the billionth time. 

You sighed deeply as you lay there, watching the episode. It was unhealthy to compare a fictional character to reality and you knew that. But you just wished that more men could be like Mando. You adored the way he took such good care of the children. He was so empathetic, and protective; so sworn to his duty that he got himself into precarious situations multiple times throughout the episode to protect the foundlings, who were strangers to him. But Mando did it without hesitation, without anger. He was just a good man.

You couldn’t help but be reminded of the interactions you had seen between Din and Grogu. There you were, again! Caught up yearning for a much older man that you were never going to see again. This episode was meant to distract you from him and replace your newfound pining for a real, unattainable man with a familiar yearning for a fictional man who was even more unattainable because he wasn’t real. But instead, everything you saw of Mando was causing you to think of Din. It had not been the evening you had planned.

You had expected to watch more episodes, perhaps having a mini binge. You always intended to stop after one episode, of course. But the reality was quite different. You found yourself unable to stop, no matter how hard you tried as the story always gripped you. You always found Mando’s presence familiar and comforting and you had watched an entire season in one sitting before. 

But tonight, you actually did stop after just one episode. You were too distracted to enjoy it properly so when the episode finished, you headed to your room. That night, you fell asleep underneath The Mandalorian poster above your bed, trying to replace thoughts of the brown eyes and brown curls of Din Djarin by thinking about Mando and the way he took care of those children. Trying to replace memories of the tall, broad-shouldered man you had shown around the museum with thoughts of a hulking tin can man with a confident strut who was prepared to give his all to make the galaxy a better place. 

Little did you know whichever way you thought about it, you were fantasising about the same man.

Next Chapter

Taglist: @toxic-seduction @survivingandenduring

[otaqueer]

Post 0- Edited version: What is Otaqueer?

Hey there! This is my little project, Otaqueer.

About me: I'm a nonbinary person, Spain-based, and I go by they/him. I would like not to state my name for now, but you can refer to me as Otaqueer.

I want to create a space to discuss queerness in manga, anime and other Japan based media, specifically relating to sapphic and gender identity content, since it is what I consume the most. I will try my best to investigate BL and other MLM works so I can include that to.

I previously (and as one can see on my first post) had the vision of deciding what is queer to me and what isn't when it comes to manga, anime and other Japanese media, but I just changed the concept a bit.

I don't what to say what is queer and what isn't, but how something is queer to me instead.

I can yap for days about queerness on Japan-based media so I hope you come with me on this journey and yap with me!

I will be uploading my little essays on queerness relating (or not relating) to a specific work and I would love to chat with you about it (periodicity of the posts still not determined)

Posts will be long, but I want to also make smaller post series.

Whatever the lenth, you will find queer posting for you here.

DISCLAIMERS

This blog has no intention of sending any form of hate to authors, artists, translators or distributors, or any other people involved in the process of the works mentioned.

I will try to state the sources of the objective information I quote, but every post will always include my explicit opinion on the topic

AGAIN, COME YAP WITH MEEEEEEE

(Post edited on 19/01/2025)

[igbylicious]

Oh igby, we're really in it now ૮(˶˃ᆺ˂˶)ა I know the epilogue is out already but I wanted to ramble on about how much I loved this chapter first before reading it and sending a separate ask for the epilogue!

oooo jealous woo is cute!! I didn't think I would find it that endearing but it's woo so he can make anything endearing I shouldn't be that surprised. you just write him that well.

hehe yunsan's past activities mentioned hehehehehehehehe I am a happy lil bean thank you. Also sannie pulling a lil brittany broski trying kombucha mentally was so cute to visualize. THE MILES OF MYTHOLOGIES LINE TOOK ME OUT!!!

I just love the entire strap picking convo being from san's pov because his reactions were just so precious I mean he need to be bonked but he's still cute. Woo biting is a canon event and no one can interfere XD

gods the dirty talk in this chapter. I mean you do so well every time but adding reader into the mix all sweet but teasing got me insaaaane. I'm simply in love with the smut here. woo getting spitroasted by san and reader is everything I've wanted and MORE. you've excelled truly.

I also just adored the pov jumps especially with woo being both incredibly cockdrunk but still sneaking in the feels with the too much monologue. gosh I just wanna give him THE WORLD. HE DESERVES IT!

the cuddlepile!! they're my babies!! icb this is ending but I promise you I am saving this on my kindle and rereading it foreverrrrr I just know it <3

hehe hi yuyu! glad he approves <3 this bit was just so sweet. I just love seeing the rest of the boys. seeing the trio interact with the rest of the world is nice. I can read about every single interaction and never get bored. Thank you again for always coming through <3

two separate asks?? ack you are SPOILING me!!!! (♡°▽°♡)

hehe Woo just wanted things to be fair! if he can’t fuck other people she can’t fuck other people! :3 (but, as you’ve already seen, he found a perfect solution in the epilogue lol ♡(>ᴗ•) )

WAIT I NEVER KNEW SHE WAS TRYING KOMBUCHA, TODAY I LEARNED ASDKJSDJKDSJKJKD my meme knowledge has been expanded :o lol i like to imagine reader tortures the guys w/ mangled videogame names all the time <3 they know it’s a bit to get them riled up they just can’t help but react asdkjadsjk <3

San overhearing and misunderstanding the strap-on convo came to me in a vision and im glad it satisfied hehe <3 biting is vital enrichment for any Wooyoung and to deny them would be cruel!!!

aw thankyou! :’) i like it when two doms have a different vibe to them in the same scene hehe, it’s fun! so yep San pretends to be a meanie while reader gets to be sweet(-ish lol) ♡

ahhhh i’m happy the pov switches worked and that you liked the monologue!!! askdjdsjk; i actually went back-and-forth on that a LOT, wondering if i should take it out or at least trim it down (and no, the irony that i worried it’d be too much is not lost on me LOL ^^;; ) but in the end i picked self-indulgence asdkdasjk, i really wanted to shed that bit of light on Wooyoung’s inner workings (ಡ﹏ಡ) he DOES deserve the world!!! give him everything he wants!!!!!

i will always grab onto any excuse to write in a cuddlepile! (⁀ᗢ⁀) asjkdasjkds aw shucks pls saving it on your kindle? („ಡωಡ„)♡

i gotta log off so i’m gonna try to answer the other ask tomorrow, but aaAAAAHHHHHHH PLS THANKYOU YOU’RE TOO GOOD TO MEEEEEEE (*≧ω≦*)♡

[ignitesthestxrs]

fuck yeah I'll come talk to you! my goodness. I've long been hesitant to send asks to blogs I don't know or consider popular.

I followed you for your pjo writing, so I was very surprised to find out that your url is from matthew stover's ROTS novelisation. two-ish years ago I watched star wars for the first time and fell in love with the prequels, it is probably still the fandom I most interact with on here.

I notice most (all?) of your star wars fics on ao3 are sequel things. I haven't seen the sequels yet because of general negative internet sentiment towards them. although this is bad logic because the internet feels negatively about a lot of great things, including ("great" is subjective I suppose) the prequels.

as someone who still mainly associates you with pjo, I guess I'm just curious about you and star wars in general. did you watch the movies when they first came out? or did you, like me, discover them later? and would you care to make a case for watching the sequels?

and as an aside - how do you feel about anon asks. do you prefer when people are non-anon?

truly genuinely i dont think i've ever met a person on this website, Popular Online or not, who has been upset about receiving genuine asks. LIKE as someone who prefers to be approached rather than to approach people i very understand the reticence to make contact, but if you ever have hesitance because your brain is like 'ooooh they aren't gonna want to talk to meeeeeee' i really truly think you can let that one go. esp because anon is an option - the worst thing that happens is that someone doesn't respond, which is also not personal and is usually related to brain death on the part of the person receiving the ask

BASICALLY i really think that most people making themselves available on the social media want to use the media to be social - if they didn't, they'd close their ask box.

MAN okok i love to talk about a personal fandom history LOL star wars is a weird one for me! i came into the fandom extremely sideways - while it turns out i had watched at least one of the prequels in theatres as a child, i had somehow wiped all memory of them from my mind, leaving only a residual obsession with padme amidala's lipstick lingering in my hindbrain

so my first Real Encounter with star wars as a fan concept was via Livejournal Role Play lolol, the premise of which is that you would roleplay as characters either in an AU setting, or an isekai-your-character-was-captured-from-their-home-world-somehow setting. so i was playing sakura from naruto in a harry potter/final fantasy fusion AU (there's a fun sentence) when someone joined the game with Jaina Solo from the star wars extended universe, and i just thought the character and player were the fucking coolest?

so that's how i ended up learning about like, the post-original Star Wars trilogy EU books first LMAO and then eventually i watched the original trilogy and re-watched the prequel trilogy (this was back in 2009/10 so sequel series were not on the horizon at all). i rp'd a bunch of star wars characters in a bunch of games (most notably middle aged Leia from the later EU books and a man called Kyp Durron who i refuse to believe was not the template and inspiration for kylo ren), and also played the Knights of the Old Republic games, and eventually helped create and moderate an rp based on those games. so my first star wars creative endeavors were very rp based, and kotor based, and any fic i was writing at the time was like, kyp durron and alyss from a ya novel adaptation of alice in wonderland are falling in love in the harry potter/final fantasy fusion setting where we also included pokemon so kyp has a shuckle for a pet because jaina gifted it to him as a gag. all that fic is littered around the internet - lj accounts and dreamwidth accounts and defunct aim group chats, where you'd write stuff for like the three people who were into your extremely, impossible to replicate cross canon ship instead of doing your stats homework, it was heady shit.

the username came about after i decided to abandon my old internet handle/identity of 'feilyn' lolol. basically i made up 'feilyn' as a name for myself when i was like 15 and used it everywhere, which resulted in most online friends i made at the time calling me 'fei', which in turn got cuteified into 'feibean', which is what i originally called this blog right up until someone sent me an ask going 'hey feibean' and i went oh NO i HATE that, and decided that i needed a username that was like, Poetic and Pretty

the funniest part to me is that i hadn't actually read the stover novelisation at that time? i just knew about the passage it came from because a friend had quoted it at me before and i was like oh that's Beautiful. so i did probably the most pretentious thing in the process of making a pretentious internet handle, which was to refer to a thing i hadn't actually read (i have since read the novelisation LOL and highly recommend it to anyone into star wars i general, but especially if you feel the prequels had Great Themes and Poor Execution - the book does a much better job at the execution part)

SO by the time the sequel movies were announced i had been into star wars for like, 5, 6 years? and it had been a staple part of not only my creative life but also my social and romantic life, so i was primed to be fucking obsessed. at that point i wasn't journal rping anymore, and most of my creative energy was split between fic (pjo and grisha at the time) and trying to make my original book idea work (it did not), and i had gotten into the groove of Writing Fic For An Audience.

and then the first sequel movie came out and i fucking loved it! like sure it was a little derivative, but it had so much of what i loved about star wars in it, and it especially helped that kylo ren really did seem like a kyp durron expy, and i was right in the middle of my weird heterosexual lesbianism phase where all i wanted to write was Overpowered Man Gets Stepped On By Brunette Teenager He Underestimated so reylo hit me like a fucking freight train.

i think in the first month after that movie came out i wrote like, 21 fics in he space of a month. i went to my first ever music festival and was just lying in the tent writing fic on the budget smart phone i had bought so my actual phone didn't get stolen. it was SUCH a flurry of creative energy for me, because star wars before that point had been not a dead fandom, but certainly not a fandom that had a lot of Fic-Centric Life in the spaces i was in, and the movie brought so much new blood and voices and interest and readers to the canon. so if i told people i felt like writing x thing and asked for prompts, i'd get like 10 or 12 requests at a time - more than i could fulfill, certainly, but also so many that it really fed the fire of my interest and determination to Provide Content

and then, you know, the Drama and the Discourse and the weird creation of shipping as identity where people became A Reylo instead of shipping reylo, and this formation of Antis as a thing, and on and on until fandom in general becomes this place of adversarial combat that is supposed to reflect on your ethics and moral as a person and Oh Man i do remember being exhausted by all of these arguments at the time (and now tbh, but these days i am not actively participating in them). eventually i dropped out of star wars as a fandom from like, creative and discourse burnout i think, and also my relationships with the friends i shared the fandom with were changing, and i was also changing as a person and then TROS came out and was really a death knell to any joy i'd gotten out of the fandom or canon from that point.

as for a case for watching the sequels - i think if you can watch them without needing them to Be Anything In Particular, you can have a good time with them. like, for example, i think TROS was an objectively bad fucking movie, but i had a lot of fun when i watched it because i went it with a baseline of curiosity about how or if abrams could pull this off, and the answer was 'by trying to split every fandom argument of the last 4 years down the exact middle' and 'no, he can't pull it off'. that shit isn't a movie, it's a video response to every star wars trending topic between 2015-2019. and at the time of viewing, this was very fucking funny to me. i had a ball.

SO if you can watch them with the contextual understanding of like, these are massive corporate enterprises created by committee, with different people at the helm of different movies who had very different understandings on what the point of this trilogy was, i genuinely think they can be a good time. there's pew pew lasers, there are some real affecting moments, and there is a lot of bewildered amusement to be had at nature of attempting to create Billion Dollar Art.

if you are looking for a story that is going to leave you feeling fulfilled and as though the creators had consideration and respect for either their viewers, their actors, or the story they were telling, then give them a pass. like i really really think there is a lot of fun and interest to be had in watching the sequels for both 'here is a space fantasy laser fun time' reasons and 'what does art look like when it's primary purpose is to create obscene amounts of wealth based off the nostalgia of nerds but also the concept of modernising a franchise for the 21st century' reasons, and these are both big reasons why i engage in any kind of media LOL

but i also understand the special place star wars holds in a lot of people's hearts, and not wanting to engage in material thatg feels like it has sucked a lot of the joy out of that special place is always legit. so like, if you are intrigued, give them a shot, and if you find yourself hating the experience then stop watching. trust ur heart babe

FINALLY i have no strong opinion on whether people are anon or signed in! it's all about your comfort level truly, i do not put emphasis on one mode or another. sometimes people will send me something signed in and ask me to respond privately, which i am always happy to do, and sometimes people will send messages anon, but identify themselves as like 'oh im the anon who asked about sunflowers, i'm sunflower anon'. SO YEAH whatever combination of identifiers is personally comfortable for the person sending the ask is how i prefer people to communicate.

THANK U for ur ask clearly i love to Talk & Engage and i appreciate u giving me the opportunity <3 <3

[beaniegender]

👀 top 5 springsteen songs? 👀

YOU CANT DO THIS TO MEEEEEEE. Okay I have to answer this so off the cuff or I'll be here all night agonizing about it, so here are the first five faves that come to mind:

1. Thunder road (first no matter what)

2. Atlantic city

3. The river

4. My father's house

5. One step up

Send me an album/artist and i'll tell you my top 5 songs from them!

[ahundredtimesover]

i’m loving loving loving this story (shocking) every single character in this story is so special please its so nice to read such a comforting story with comforting characters that are also incredibly real and human and flawed but in the best way because you make everything beautiful with your words. ❤️

it’s really hitting me i gotta say because i think this is the first time in my life that i feel so identified with an oc (or really any main character in any book or fanfic.) Everytime she speaks about loneliness and also her own space and solitude that she appreciates but at the same time don’t fully enjoy is literally screaming at meeeeee im her she’s meeeeeee! and also her struggles to find her passion its what i’ve been going through for years and is so nice feeling that in a way i’m not alone in that (i mean i know that is a fictional character but whatever) So its been really emotional for me to read these chapters i’m loving it.

And don’t even talk to me about this jk!!!!!!!!! it’s a rollercoaster i hate him one second an the other i’m thinking that i want to hug him and make him feel loved aaaaaaaaah

I’m so excited for what’s to come mimi! Please rest and don’t feel pressured about posting, we can and will be patient. This is your story and also your enjoyment comes first so do it at your time and with a rhythm that makes you feel good. 🫵🏼 MWAAAAAAAH (loved that spoiler btw the overprotective vibes are in the air and i’m here for it) 🫦

hopefully I’ll be able to read the chapters as you post them and this long ass 2 asks situation wont happen again 😂 Send you love 💓

Ok part 2!! Soooo I’m glad this gives you comfort! I think it’s not my usual uwu soft comfort but there’s this relatable element to it like what you’re saying!

I’ve been thinking about that idea of loneliness and solitude, of intimacy, of wanting our own space but also wanting someone there. And that’s kind of terrifying. I’m in a long-term relationship and it’s a balancing act. You want to be needed and wanted; you want to know you’re needed and wanted. But you also want your space to be who you are where you don’t need to depend on anyone. OC has her reasons! But that’s what also happens when you’re so focused on your job - sometimes it what keeps you from finding what kind of companionship you want, and from finding your passion! But I hear you and see you! And you’re definitely not alone 😌😌

This JK… ahhh I want to give him a hug! And I’m writing him!!

But thank you! I do want to keep enjoying while also engaging you guys and making sure I’m able to share the story at a pace that works. But thank you again. I’m sending you all my love 💕💕

[yuus-sentient-teddy]

Fragaria Memories OCs - A little more info/Minor expansion on their concepts (that came to me in one day, before the first episode of the drama comes out lol)

Initial concept (link to be added)

I haven't really come up with names for them, so here are their temporary names:

Red Kingdom Inhabitant: Coffee

Blue Kingdom Inhabitant: Prunellie

Noir Kingdom Inhabitant: Nicolette

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Overarching concept

I mentioned that I think of them as background characters. My idea is that they represent the woodland creatures or little animals seen alongside the Sanrio characters in various artwork or animations. So. . .

Coffee would represent a squirrel

Prunellie would represent a yellow bird

Nicolette would represent a mouse

Note: I don't mean for them to represent the reoccurring minor characters, like Joey the blue mouse.

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Plans for them/their stories

Their stories are gonna be about their daily lives, basically.

But then there's the angst.

(Note: I'm going off the timeline theory where, to my understanding, there was a previous timeline and some characters remember what happened in it)

(Another note: I'm headcanoning that Seed feeds off of negative emotion)

Nicolette is in a dangerous situation. To keep her friends from becoming anxious and too worried, she locks away their memories of her and has her mice familiars? subordinates? collect any proof that she was in their lives.

Alternatively: early in the new timeline, she remembers a terrible event that happened in the previous timeline where her friends died because of her. To prevent the event from happening, she locks away their memories of her and etc.

Here's the thing, regardless of which scenario we go with: Coffee and Prunellie will try and remember who she is. By the time Nicolette locks the memories, the three have been friends for years and are really close, so it's going to be near impossible for her impact on their lives to be forgotten or unquestioned. Plus, there may be proof lying around that the mice familiars forgot to grab or weren't aware was there.

(Crack scene: the two get closer to remembering Nicolette. She yells from the safety of her room, "You dumbasses, stop trying to remember meeeeeee!" D:< )

Anyway, while Coffee and Prunellie go about their lives, she tries to keep them safe from the shadows.

In summary, the stories will be about the three's daily lives in the Red, Blue, and Noir Kingdoms, but Coffee and Prunellie will also be trying to figure out who the other person in their lives was while Nicolette keeps them safe from a distance and tries to keep them from remembering her.

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Ideas about the OCs themselves so far

Coffee (she/her)

Job: maid at one of the kingdoms. Don't know which one yet.

She enjoys hanging around on the roof of the castle she works at, admiring the sky

Sunny personality

Mode of sending messages to her friends: scattering flower petals to the wind, which reform into a full flower at their destination. The flower verbally relays the message, which is usually short.

Work motto: Work hard, play hard

Prunellie (she/her)

Job: mail woman

Uses a hoverboard for delivering letters and trucks if there are big packages assigned to her

Mode of sending messages to her friends: sending leaves to the wind with short messages written on them

Work motto: undecided

Nicolette (she/her)

Job: I don't know what job she should have ;w;

Uses a hoverboard for getting around

Learned how to swim from a duck (it's Popple)

Mode of sending messages to her friends: undecided

Work motto: Work smarter, not harder

*I think I'll be able to expand on their personality and characteristics much more after the episode comes out; I need a better feel of the world and some inspiration/prompts ;w;