#the fact we even got her that fucking close to him in 24x12 is astonishing upon reflection

[bensonnstabler]

do you ever think about olivia one day after elliot left? how humiliating it must have been to have cragen tell her elliot put his papers in? how she had to walk into work the very next day and pretend her whole world wasn't just ripped out from underneath her? and that her first thought was surely that it was somehow her fault, or that he must have felt she had gotten too close again? or even worse, that she was really just a colleague to him after all? that in the eyes of men she really was disposable, just like her mother had taught her?

do you ever think about olivia one week after elliot left? how her hands trembled as cragen made her take down the shrine that was his desk, to make room for this imposter who was surely just a temporary replacement? that all she could think about is how elliot would at any second be getting off the elevator and telling exactly where amaro could shove it for even daring to steal his desk? or how about that she stumbled over her introductions now? more than once she introduced her partner as 'detective st-amaro'. and how she was angry, so so angry at him for not even leaving the smallest of signs to tell her he was even alive? that at night she would lay in bed and imagine him dead because surely that was the only reasonable explanation she could muster for why he left without saying a word?

do you ever think about olivia one month after elliot left? how the rumours that kept circulating seemed to capture the whole squad? that she was definitely not blind to the stares filled with pity, curiosity or even disgust that met her every day? that neither fin nor munch really knew what to do with her beyond let her be angry at the job, at the perps, at amaro and amanda, at herself and most of all, at him?

do you ever think about olivia one year after elliot left? how she tried to rebuild some sense of stability in his absence, that she didn't hate amaro or amanda anymore but she still hated herself for thinking about him? that at some point she must jave deleted his number and destroyed any physical reminders of him because that's obviously what he had done? and that she drank more than ever because if her mother was right about men then what else was she right about? what about how she thought herself so weak for clinging to the hope that one day he would return?

do you ever think about olivia three four years after elliot left? how she's found cassidy but won't admit the real reason there's no future is because he’s not him? that the words she told amaro at her kitchen bench sounded as though they weren't hers? that they were really the words she assumed everyone wanted to hear? that they were words that showed progress steeped in self-doubt? or that even in her absolute darkest and most violent moments she still thought of him and how he still occupied a desperate corner of her brain... and worst of all how did lewis seem to know exactly where it was? how could he see the immature, embarrassing and fragile part of her that still believed he would swoop in and fix everything?

do you ever think about olivia nine years after elliot left? how noah filled so much darkness with light and empathy she wasn’t aware she was capable of possessing? that even late at night, too tired to sleep she still indulged herself of the memory of elliot telling her so confidently that she’d make a good mother? that there was the smallest, most miniscule molecule that lit up when fin hinted at a surprise presence at her award ceremony? one that held up a sign in her mind saying what if it's him?

do you ever think about olivia one second after elliot returned? that the man she had once associated all the best and worst parts of herself with, had dared to stand there after all this fucking time and had the audacity to call her by her nickname - a nickname that she accepted she would never hear uttered from those lips again? what about that complete and utter alien emotion which engulfed her when she saw the real reason that she was called, that he expected her to help him unconditionally once more when he didn’t even have the balls to accept or deny her help back then.

do you ever think about olivia the one night after she finally embraced him? how she finally lay down next to the only man she was ever going to allow to know her so intimately, both physically and emotionally? how that small, once desperate part of her that knew he would return (because how can one even begin to deny a connection that rivals what the moon is to the stars) is now a solid unwavering force that coexists one step behind the continual ray of divine light that is her son?

because he does