#the fact that all of this was for a gay wedding had me emotionally from the get go

[halliescomut]

I defended Lom, but now I shall talk about Nuea

So...a lot of this is going to be a bit rant-y, because honestly there's some reactions that have been going on that really aggravate me. But I wanted to talk more about Nuea as a character in the show, and how I think he's being presented. You hear (for reasons unknown) a lot of discussion over how Lom is almost tricking Nuea by withholding the fact that his arrangement and marriage to Yiwa is in name only. I have so many problems with this read on the situation. While it is VERY common for BLs to use naivety as a trope, it's actually surprisingly rare to see from Mame. It's not one of her go-to's and so I was actually really surprised at how many people saw Nuea as 'innocent' (read virginal) or naive. We saw a similar reaction with Sky, this idea that he's an innocent little lamb, and I kind of figured that was because that's what Rain was. Rain was clearly modeled to be this sort of ingénue-style character, young, wide-eyed, innocent to an extent, but also experimental, not constrained by societal boundaries. But what the first encounter with Prapai showed was that he was not only not innocent, but experienced. Now granted many of his experiences were likely awful and traumatic, but Gun likely didn't got straight from 1 to 100, abusers rarely do, but there's also no clarity at all on whether Sky had any other intimate partners of his own choosing, whether a relationship or just another one-night stand. But circling back to my actual point, I think there are many viewers for which LITA was their first experience with Mame, and they believe Rain to be the blueprint for her 'bottoms' when in reality he's an outlier.

How this affects the perception of Nuea, is that since he is shown to be a fairly quiet, sensitive, kind person, some viewers began making assumptions. They assume that he's not physically experienced, that he's submissive, or even shy, and that's not really the case. We don't see much to indicate that at all in the show. He's very vocal for a lot of the show. He expresses his concerns to his boss freely, without concern for reprisal, and this certainly due at least in part to the type of boss she is, but even if she were some angry, obstinate crone, I doubt that would have stopped him. He's very vocal and honest in his conversations with Lom all through the series. He doesn't put up with any of Lom's rich/privileged BS. His kindness and empathy throughout is more a show of strength than anything. He's able to pretty easily get the results he wants without being rude, or mean. Even in his frustration with Lom, he's not vicious, but exasperated, reacting to Lom's childishness more like an exhausted nanny than anything else.

Nuea is confident, like really confident. He's confident in his abilities and skill at work. He's a confident gay man, he doesn't shy away from sex. His hesitation in regards to sleeping with Lom initially is based only on his knowledge of the likely fall-out (especially emotionally). Once we get to this most recent episode it's very clear that he has no hesitation in being an active and passionate partner.

I'm willing to bet after the absolute boss way that he shut down that shitty orchard customer, that we may see his confidence make an appearance next week in regards to Lom and Yiwa's mothers acting like petulant toddlers.

I think it's also important to remember that while he is younger than Lom (his actor is actually younger than ALL of the LITA boys), he's not actually all that young. While ages and timelines are pretty vague in the Mame-verse, Prapai should be about 30 in the Wedding Plan, and Lom is meant to have been his junior while they were getting their Masters, so he's probably 27-ish. Nuea, having attended university and worked as an event planner for several years is probably 25. He's not a child, and their age difference is practically negligible. Again, I feel this is an assumption based on the idea that LITA is the norm, when it's very much not. All of Mame's other main couples (in shows) have either been the same age, or with in a year or two of each other.

So while Lom may have some power/privilege over Nuea, it's very much situational and based on him being 'employed' by him, which is something that we as the audience know he could change if he really wanted to. We see that P'Im is more than willing to go to bat for her employees, Lom wouldn't be able to pull a Karen and get him fired, or forced to work with him. And while Lom is rich, Nuea's family has a generational business and owns a large amount of property. It's not the same level of rich by any means, Lom essentially has fuck you money, but it's still not like Nuea would be without resources and support if he chose to quit his job or leave Bangkok.

Also, the fact that he gets upset or cries over Lom, doesn't make him 'weak.' I've not heard anyone say that directly, but it's been implied. It's not weak for a man to be able to recognize and express his emotions. That's toxic masculinity bullshit, and we certainly don't want to be putting that pressure on characters that are actively defying it.

I guess in conclusion, my point is that Nuea is a bad-ass, the best kind of bad-ass even, one with a kind heart, and that he's more than capable of standing up for himself both in general and with Lom.

As a final note, what I realized watching episode 3 is that Lom 10000% has a competency kink, and further watching of the show only confirms that. He first encounters Nuea while he works at Pai's wedding and immediately begins lusting. The wedding suit try-ons where he looks at Nuea after learning he took pictures of each choice so that you don't have to try something on over and over again. He gets riled up watching him do the event where Payu proposes. He falls even harder watching Nuea put the creep in his place. Like...he just loves watching his man get shit done, and I respect (and understand) that.

[o0anapher0o]

Miss Lily and character stereotpyes

I’ve been re-reading @halo4life2017-blog's rewatch blogs and the discussion we had about Miss Lily and about how Lestat might at some point tell us he only killed her because she was actually planning on blackmailing Louis or something like that, and I had some more thoughts I need to get out.

The thing about Lily as Louis presents her is, she’s a stereotype. The ‘whore with the heart of gold’ is a common trope. It’s a cliché the same way the though, street-hard, black pimp is, or the rich European genteel who is abhorred by American racism, the stately southern matron who saves face at all cost even if it means waving off a guests outburst with a comment about the weather, the sassy little sister who supports her gay brother and only wants to see him happy, or the religious zealot who is really a gentle angel when he’s not possessed by the holy spirit. All those are sterotypes that Louis uses when he introduces the people in his life to the story, ways he tries to shape the narrative perception of them. Or maybe lies he tells himself about them.

And all of these stereotypes get dismantled within the first episode: Louis is really a sensitive baby gay who likes to read and cries at the opera. Lestat is a terrifying vampire, who we can rightfully assume has never cared about how black people are treated anywhere prior to meeting Louis, and really still doesn’t.  Florence is an emotionally abusive bitch who happily unloads her own grief on her child, Grace is mommy little princess who deserts Louis when he needs her most to side with Florence and Paul is a condescending brat who shamelessly uses his mental illness for the liberties it gives him (we don’t talk about it enough because mental illness is tricky and Paul is a great character, but the way he acts towards Grace’s fiancé and wedding, and how he talks to the priests when he goes to confession are on a level of entitlement that’s breathtaking. And that’s instances when he’s supposedly ‘right in the head’. My favourite is ‘I wasn’t being rude”, like, yes, you were. Just because the voices in your head told you to say it doesn’t mean it’s not rude to say it and the fact that you’re trying to justify it tells me you know that.).

You could probably make a similar case almost all other characters, Bricktop, Tom Anderson, Levi, all of them are initially presented in a very stereotypical way and later we’re shown they are not quite what they seem at first (Fenwick might be the exception here, he’s always a horrible racist pig). Except for Lily. She never gets the chance to be shown as more, because she gets killed off-screen and is never brought up again.

But we do get hints that everything isn’t as Louis presents it with Lestat’s throwaway comment on her wretched life, or the fact that it takes Louis two weeks to even notice she was dead, which tells me they weren’t as close as some people seem to believe. (Yes, he was a regular customer, one she might even have liked but they definitely weren’t friends.). So yeah, I won’t be surprised if we do learn about some nefarious goings on she was involved in. That’s not to make Lestat look better btw, he did kill her and the main reason was no doubt to get a reaction from Louis and/or to dismantle his support system, but I do think there was more to it than that just ‘she was a poor substitute’. And just as a side note: since we tend to treat Louis as an unreliable narrator (justifiably so) if and when the time comes we certainly need to look at Lestat’s story the same way, because I’m pretty sure if anyone is trying to make Lestat look better, it’s going to be Lestat.  

[amrv-5]

5, 6, 29!

HELLO PRAX AND GOOD AFTERNOON!!!! Thank you for contributing to my Procrastination Effort o7

5. What’s a fic idea you’ve had that you will never write?

Generally I never say never. However when I was initially fucking around with the idea of Somewhere to Get To, I had considered it starting in the far future. Like, 2010s, and it would have started with a little vignette about one (or several) of Hawkeye's patients just living life (was trying to play abstractly with the question that comes up over and over again in S2G2 of, like, was it worth it for Hawkeye to have been there? What did the world gain from it? Etc.) Reveal that Hawkeye in fact is recently dead, and then a slow fall back into the primary plot with our young(er) Hawkeye. But this 1. felt weird 2. didn't work and 3. made me sad, so I chopped it. It's still around in one of my docs I think but it sucked.

6. Are there any fics from others you reread all the time?

Fff. ouughhh. Okay this is gonna be LONG and cover many fandoms sorry. Okay. So:

In general,

Designations Congruent with Things by CWR is something I reread every few years in order to have my brain exploded about how I'm never going to write something that good and also to catch feelings about wanting to be known and loved even when you don't like yourself, and to cry a little about humanity's drive for knowledge, etc.

Also Pacific Rim, irisbleufic's "Anthology" series. Haven't reread it in a while because it makes me like believe in love and the good of humanity and stuff. 'S brilliant. The end scene with Newt and Boston and the sky....... sticks with me still 5 yrs later. Awesome.

Also Welcome, Wanderer from singlecrow (TNG) which makes me crazy and is a great great great playful interesting multi-textual piece, dense and fun and fascinating and fae and good. It rules.

And the entire Controlled Burn series by jimmymcgools in Better Call Saul, of all places (some of the most gorgeous lyrical prose I've ever seen frfr).

[voice of a guy digging through his bookmarks and downloads] I can't believe I forgot "There Are No Gays in Football" by Malu_3, Merlin fandom. Changed me. The wrangling of fame and identity...

Speaking of Merlin, Pianos are made for Falling by fishwrites. Nodame Cantabile AU, kind of. Blew my mind as a teenager and I still love it. Makes me cry.

ANYWAY in MASH, Maple Syrup by Granspn when I can emotionally handle little Hawk, and "these are the days of miracle and wonder" also by singlecrow (Radar in the field, plus also Hawkeye's century of the atom speech are 2 indelible MASH ficdom images to me). Homecoming by yaroantheo also murks me every time.... the wedding scene....... I'm sure there's others but these are the ones coming immediately to mind.

29. Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic.

Fuck. I forgot I was working on a modern AU Beejhawk just to prove to myself that I thought it was possible to do while maintaining the spirit of the show. I don't think I'll ever finish it. A chunk of that here:

Hawkeye woke him by pelting him with a ballpoint pen. 

“Hnf,” BJ said, opening his eyes, disoriented: he saw only a span of featureless beige tile. His proprioception lagged, struggling to inform him where and how he was positioned in space. He felt briefly as though he was floating, released from the perpetual falling of earthly gravity, and then groaned as direction reasserted itself. He was face-down on a floor somewhere for some reason.

Another pen contacted his face and he flinched. “Stop.” 

“You’re an hour-fifteen late,” Hawkeye informed him from somewhere far above. 

BJ’s body jolted into action without consulting his brain. He slammed his head against the underside of a table. Memory was coming back to him in pieces—a late case, scrubbing out, vision greying and fuzzing at the edges, sitting down in the mess, deciding to have a cup of coffee with Hawkeye who was only halfway through his own shift. He’d fallen asleep, evidently, or lost consciousness and then fallen asleep, but how had he ended up underneath the table?

“Which case?” BJ asked, nauseated with exhaustion, uncertain what day of the week it was, only tentatively sure of the month. Fabric shifted over his torso as he hauled himself out from under the table. Somebody had draped a lab coat over him as he slept. 

“Hunnicutt v. Hunnicutt,” Hawkeye said, voice calm and unemotive, which was a kindness. 

“Oh, fuck,” BJ said, closing his eyes, dread walloping him. He debated the merits of lying back down and sleeping until his next shift began or he died of a widowmaker—not that he’d be leaving anybody widowed once Peg’s lawyer was through with him.

“Hand me those pens, will you?” Hawkeye asked, like he hadn’t just used them as artillery. 

[tannithvibes]

i finished glat!!! final thoughts are: the husbands kiss? i actually teared up it was so sweet i adore them. gaige looking so excited in the background? adorable beyond belief. claptrap crying? also Adorable

the last boss fight was kinda boring tho :/ i enjoyed the fight with the platforms even tho i died a handful of times bc it was SO unique feeling compared to other fights, but eleanor and the heart was just meh tbh

[catgrassplantdad]

There are few fictional relationships that make me feel more unhinged than Mickey & Terry. And I’m sure it’s been dissected to death, but I think about their confrontation at the beginning of 10x11 a lot and it makes me feel extremely. So here I am to talk about why. CW: abuse and homophobia below the cut (I mean, it’s Terry).

I don’t think I need to give a history lesson here, but the abuse and violence Mickey endured by Terry’s hand unfortunately shaped a lot of Mickey’s life. Mickey didn’t take forever to be comfortable and open with Ian because he wanted to, he didn’t marry a woman because he wanted to, he didn’t live a lie for so long because he wanted to. This all happened because he actually, literally feared for his life. Additionally, there was the complicated fact of him starving and striving for his abuser’s approval. He wanted more than just bodily safety; he wanted to be in good standing with Terry. This is despite enduring what he described as torture. Terry “tortured [him] every day for years,” and yet he still desired a relationship with him. This happens sometimes in abusive relationships, it’s definitely not unusual that he felt that way. But it’s still hard to watch, knowing about their background and knowing that Mickey was aware of what Terry was capable of.

Mickey knowing what Terry was capable of is precisely why their interaction at the beginning of 10x11 made me go “yooooo” out loud at my TV at the end of the scene. I had to pause it, my eyes were bugging out of my head, I had to let it sink in, etc. etc. It really struck me hard. Mickey heard Terry shouting slurs at him from outside on the damn sidewalk where anyone could hear, and he put on an unamused look and stepped outside and walked right up to him. Terry pulled out a gun, and Mickey did not even flinch and instead pulled out one of his own. He listened to his father berate and then threaten him, and instead of backing down he proceeded to do the opposite of what he had done his whole life and deliberately said shit that would piss Terry off. And on top of it, he then went back into the house and started planning his big gay wedding with specific details designed to make Terry mad. He wanted to rub his happiness, his gay love, in that prick’s face. And he begins this endeavor with that line “I definitely love one.”

There’s an important detail in that exchange (“You must really love cock.” “I definitely love one.”) that is what ultimately elevates this scene from merely insanity-inducing to "Jessie will never be normal about this ever in their entire life," and that’s Mickey’s wording. It’s such a good comeback and it hits so hard, but it’s important that it also hits Terry hard. And it does, because he used language that Terry understood. I think if he had phrased it differently by saying something like “I just love Ian” or “I’m just in love” or something similar, it wouldn’t have landed the same with Terry. Terry had taken Mickey’s gayness and reduced it to something so base and vulgar because he hates gay people and doesn’t care to know shit about the gay experience. And instead of throwing his gay love in Terry’s face by using language that’s less horrendously offensive, Mickey fucking embraces it. Mickey takes Terry’s words and twists them to suit himself and throws them back at him. Mickey’s gay and he loves cock, and he definitely loves his partner’s cock. You know, his partner? Who he’s in love with? And gonna marry? Because the gay experience isn’t just about sex? Mickey’s not getting married because he wants to get fucked, he’s getting married because he’s in love. Terry doesn’t give a shit about all that and Mickey knows this, so his comeback utilizes language that Terry can wrap his head around, but he still manages to convey the fact that he’s in fucking love with one person. It’s affirmation and ownership and it is so badass. Terry was actively trying to be cruel and Mickey threw back at him in one of the most elegant comebacks I have ever seen. And yeah, we know Mickey is capable of being vulgar as hell, so it’s not like saying something like this is particularly out of character for him anyway. It just worked so damn well in accomplishing the goal of getting Terry to shut the fuck up while conveying to Terry and the audience that he’s in love and willing to engage in risky behavior to defend it.

I mean, he was doing all this with a gun in his face. Terry wanted him to feel fear, he wanted him to feel threatened because he genuinely thought that Mickey deserved to experience violence, and he wanted him to feel ashamed. But Mickey decided years ago that he was done feeling fucking ashamed, and he was so accustomed to Terry’s violent behavior. So whether he stood up to him with a gun in his face because he was desensitized to Terry’s violence or because he just decided to be brave and ignore whatever fear he may have been feeling in that moment, either reason speaks volumes. If he did it because he was desensitized to Terry’s violence then that really speaks to the tragedy of his upbringing. If he did it because he just decided to be brave in that moment then that speaks to just how much he was willing to risk for his principles. Either way, he could’ve ended up dead. We know this because Terry does end up trying to shoot him in the end. And yes, Mickey had his gun aimed at Terry, but I don’t know if I think he’d actually shoot him and I think his actions towards Terry in season 11 may speak to that. But Terry would shoot. And he does shoot later on. Again, he knew what Terry is capable of. And he stood up to him anyway and it was amazing to watch. Mickey used to be so afraid of Terry that he feared for his life while vying for approval. He used to live in a way that was the very antithesis of what he actually wanted for himself, just for his piece of shit father. And in this scene he shows us just how far removed he is from that fearful kid now, openly in love with his partner and standing up to his father in a way that will expressly make him angry about his gayness specifically, the thing that he was so tortured over in his youth. Tortured because he was hiding out of fear and the internal conflict that he experienced because of that, and then physically and emotionally tortured by his father once he’s found out. That abuse may have shaped his past, but he was ready to move the fuck on and not let it define his future. So this scene is just unreal. A neat little package of character and relationship/dynamic development in a little 70-second scene that packs an enormous punch.

[itsany62]

SteveTony - Getting Together

Here are some Getting Together fics that I adore. Don't forget to leave kudos and nice comments in every fic!

Lovesick, by royal_chandler, 3 k >, fluff.

The depth of the flu aisle in the pharmacy is substantial, overwhelmingly so, and Steve is half-convinced he needs to return to the front and trade his basket for a full-on cart.

There's a Party Going on Right Here, by Annie D (scaramouche), Post-Endgame.

After the Battle of Earth, Tony hosts a party.

Open Tab , by machi_kun , 5k> words, Post-Avengers 2012.

Tony has a lot of money. Really. More money he could possibly ever spend by himself. So what if he spends some of it buying gifts for his friends? People like gifts! And Steve is his friend. His best friend, actually, inside the Avengers, and he’s glad it turned out this way - so it’s also a way of saying 'thanks for putting up with me', he thinks. He just wants Steve to be happy. If Tony can make him happy, then why wouldn’t he? Tony buying Steve gifts is no big deal. Shut up, Rhodey.

(Pretty) Odd, by machi_kun, 5 k> words, Developing Relationship, Fluff.

In his file, Tony Stark had been described as eccentric. He had also been described as a narcissist, as a self-destructive liability, as not-recommended, and all sort of fancy words that are used to disguise the fact that they were calling him an all-around asshole; And that’s a very long list of bad adjectives, for a guy Steve saw carry a nuke behind his back to save the city, gave them a place to stay, and is slowly showing himself to be one of the most curious people Steve has ever met. Maybe Tony Stark is eccentric – and maybe he is a bit of an asshole. But maybe he’s also more than that.

Six Times DUM-E Made It Worse (and One Time He Fixed It) by FestiveFerret, 4 k > words, Outsider POV.

DUM-E has a lot of Very Important jobs to do, and he does his best to do them right. Sometimes, though, things don't work out very well.

All he wants is for his humans to be happy.

Sweet Child O' Mine by starspangledsprocket, 9 k > words, Age Regression/De-Aging, Fluff.

After just their second outing as the Avengers, everyone except for Steve and Tony are turned into toddlers. Madness ensues.

'Cause Everytime We Touch by Perlmutt, 5 k > words, Touch-Starved.

Steve noticed it the first time they were officially introduced at Fury’s office after the battle of New York.

He extended his hand for a handshake, a silent peace offer after their horrible first meeting at the helicarrier almost a week ago. Stark looked at it like it would bite him any second. Steve could see how his hands twitched where he’d buried them in his pockets. But instead of taking his hand, he stared into his eyes for a moment and nodded before turning back to Fury.

Only later would Steve learn that it wasn’t hatred or aversion.

how the thought of you does things to me by Finduilas, 6 k > words, Mutual Pining, Domestic Avengers.

Steve has a thing for Tony's butt. Tony has a thing for Steve's beard. They're both very obvious about it (just ask any of their friends!), but somehow they manage to also be completely oblivious.

Right here waiting by gottalovev, 19 k > words, Cat Dads.

Steve has been missing Tony like crazy since he left the compound. One day, Steve drops in unannounced at the tower, and when on a walk for coffee they rescue newborn kittens.

Or: A yearning Steve, an oblivious Tony, and co-parenting kittens. (= fuff!)

picture perfect (picture us) by starklystar, 18 k > words, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Photo Shoots.

Tony has a habit of being handsy during photoshoots.

Steve has a habit of being flustered whenever Tony touches him.

Misunderstandings happen.

Or, five times Steve and Tony went to a photoshoot

+ the one time they had better things to do.

++ the one time they take their photoshoot online.

take me out (to the ball game) by muItifandomjess, 1 k > words, Fluff.

“Take me out to the ball game, take me out with the crowd,” Steve sings, his shoulder bumping into Tony’s as he sways back and forth. “Come on, Tony, sing!”

“I am a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist,” Tony protests around a mouthful of hot dog. “I do not sing.”

Or, Steve and Tony go to a ball game. It all kind of snowballs from there.

Drifting Further Everyday by GotTheSilver, 8 k > words, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Steve’s quiet a lot of the time, it’s almost like living with a ghost, and Tony kind of hates it; he lives with more than enough actual ghosts every day. The longer time goes on, the more Tony recognises what’s going on, sees the jumpiness, the haunted look on his face, and he gets it. Realises they’re both trying to bury things they don’t want to talk about. More often than not, Tony turns around in the workshop to see Steve sitting there, patiently working on something in his sketchbook or reading an actual book, usually something he missed during the years he was frozen.

Somehow Steve is filling all the gaps in his life Tony didn’t realise he needed filling.

Goop, Or Five Times Steve Rogers Was Covered In... Something, And One Time Tony Was by Bill_Longbow, 7 k > words, Mutual Pining.

There were a lot of things Steve had expected about the future; sleek buildings, sleeker electronics, and all the food you can eat. Being covered in alien goop wasn't one of them.

or

How Steve being covered in... stuff, brings Tony and Steve closer.

The art of longing by itsallAvengers, 63 k > words, Oblivious Tony, Not Actually Unrequited Love.

Steve's used to missing his shot. To being too late, too scared, and losing everything. But he really did think that this time, with Tony, something could work.

Then Tony meets Mark. He's cool and charming, he's a scientist and he's perfect for a man like Tony Stark.

And suddenly Steve...

Well. Steve just doesn't have a place anymore

earth laughs in flowers by starksnack, 3 k > words, Love Confessions, Secret Admirer.

A secret admirer has been sending Tony flowers and confessions of love.

Crash Into You by FestiveFerret, 15 K > words, Post-Avengers (2012), Stranded.

Tony was pretty used to crashing.

It seemed like these days more often than not his return to earth in the Iron Man suit was at least somewhat out of control. He couldn't count the number of times he'd used a helpfully situated building, a local landmark, or, hey, even a teammate to slow a wild descent. And he'd be damned if he'd admit it to Pepper, but on more than one occasion he hadn't even been conscious when he'd hit the ground.

So crashing wasn't really a new experience. He would get banged up a bit, maybe put a scratch in the suit somewhere, but bruised ribs healed and there was no better way to work off the post-battle high than smoothing dents out of his most prized possession.

He had a feeling crashing in the Quinjet, without his armour, was going to be a bit different..

I like me better (when I'm with you) by I_write_things_sometimes, 79 k > words, Domestic Avengers, Friends to Lovers.

If you ask either of them how they got together, they'd go back to an unremarkable night filled with expensive food, rich donors, and lots of schmoozing. And, of course, the anxiety attack that started it all.

"Not recognizing someone was strange enough, but the longer the two men spoke with — or, more accurately at — Tony, the more convinced Steve was that the conversation was unwanted, at least on Tony’s part.

The first clue was that Tony was actively leaning away from the men he was talking to. Steve had learned firsthand that Tony was an incredibly tactile person. When he wanted to talk to you, Tony engaged completely; he’d sling his arm around your shoulders, squeeze your arm, or drag you around as he talked, walked and usually did at least two other things. Even when he argued, Tony was often immediate and in his opponent's space; Steve knew that from experience.

Right now? Tony was scanning the outskirts of the room rather than making eye contact with the men near him. If Steve had to guess, Tony was looking for the nearest exit."

Or, the way Steve Rogers and Tony Stark became friends and then more.

Mission SteveTony by itsallAvengers, 7 k > words, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Steve Rogers.

If the entire team of Avengers could please stop trying to get it on with Tony when Steve is right there, he would really appreciate that, thank you

you'll wait a long time by nanasekei, 16 k > words, Pining, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie).

Steve and Tony share a moment during a wedding. Things escalate from there.

-

Alternatively: Four weddings, a funeral, and one very emotionally stunted idiot.

The Game by FestiveFerret, 5 k > words, Gay Chicken.

The game starts when Tony walks into the garage to find Steve sitting astride the R1200RS, staring down at his phone, and he maybe, just a little bit, walks into a car.

Talking Bodies by itsallAvengers, 13 k > words, Misunderstandings, Insecure Steve Rogers.

Coincidentally, the physical effects of romantic and sexual desire match up very closely with the physical effects of fear. But it's not a problem-- it's not like anyone is going to be able to hear the way your heart speeds up, or see the minute dilation of your pupils, are they? They'd have to be some sort of Superhuman to do that.

And what's worse than a Superhuman hearing that quick pulse and seeing those dilated eyes and concluding that you're in love with them?

A Superhuman hearing that quick pulse and seeing those dilated eyes and thinking you're terrified of them.

more than just a dream. by frostfall, 10 k > words, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Parent Tony Stark.

Tony: Fine.

Tony: I think I might.

Tony: Just might.

Tony: Have a teensy-weensy crush.

Peter: ;)

Peter: Is it who I think it is?

Tony: Unfortunately, yes.

Tony: You happy now?

(Peter thinks he's found the perfect partner for his dad. Tony thinks his son has officially lost his mind. Steve's just oblivious to the fact that he's out of Tony's league.)

don’t want you to get it on (with nobody else but me). by frostfall, 4 k > words, Jealous Steve Rogers, The Pocky Game.

There are a lot of things that Steve doesn’t get about the future. But it’s fine. He will, eventually. He has time.

But one thing he knows is that he’ll never, ever be able to wrap his head around is the fanfare surrounding Pocky.

(Or Steve’s jealous of biscuit sticks.)

check yes (if the feeling isn't new) by cvptains, 12 k > words, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Meddling.

After the battle with Thanos, both Tony and Steve struggle with reconnecting in certain aspects of their lives. Sam Wilson and Peter Parker are totally over it.

Where both Steve and Tony's respective friends make accounts for them on the renowned dating app, FlickLove, and the results come out a bit... surprising. Cue unadvisable meddling that really — honestly — comes from good intentions.

take my heart clean apart by mistymountainking, 13 k > words, Tony Stark Has Self-Esteem Issues.

He’s tired, so tired of waiting, tired of touches with no meaning, tired of holding his breath when Steve’s in the room, tired of keeping this love to himself.

“I can’t—I can’t, if you don’t mean it.”

***

Tony comes home exhausted after an SI event. Steve acts as welcoming committee. It's an old, careworn routine they've perfected over the years, but tonight ends up going in a very different direction.

[antony-malinowski]

Final Confessional

Mentions: Seb, Celeste, Thomas, Khamani, Luna Trigger Warnings: Homophobia, FEELS 

While there was something about the island and getting to be with Seb all the time that Antony loved, there was a larger part of Antony that was just ready to go home. The feeling had started during their wedding, and had just grown since then. He wanted to go back to work (though with a more balanced schedule) and he wanted to be able to cook whatever he wanted, and most importantly he wanted to spend time with Leo. So as he got ready for his last confessional, the bittersweet feeling of it all ending seemed to disappear with one simple fact: Antony was ready to go home.

“Alright, are we good to go?” Antony asked as he finished fiddling with his mic pack. 

“I think so,” the producer smiled as he looked down at his notes, “So you definitely had one of the biggest transitions coming here, I think in your audition you mentioned that you didn’t expect to really end up in a relationship, and here you are sitting in front of me a married man.” 

“Yeah, if you had asked me....or I guess you all did ask me...how this was going to go before all this started, I really wouldn’t be thinking that I would be married. But with Seb, it really just makes sense.” 

“So you’re like soulmates?” he asked. 

“Yeah, I think so,” Antony smiled, “Like I am not under the impression that things are going to be easy from this point on, that’s not how life works, but I think that it’ll be easier to get through things with Seb there.”

“I’m sure that you’re right,” the producer nodded, “What are your plans for when you get home?” 

“Me and Seb? I think that we just want to go back to our normal lives. I’m sure that the radio station has missed having him around, and I am itching to get back to work. So there’s no big plans, just living our lives together.”

“That sounds really sweet,” the producer smiled, “And what about your family?” 

The question caught Antony off guard a cloud passing over his face as he answered, “What about them?”

“Well it’s obvious from some of the reactions that were sent in that they weren’t the happiest that you were here. Are you planning on trying to talk to them about your decision to come on the show?”

“It’s not that they weren’t happy that I was here. Well, that might have been part of it, but it was mostly the fact that I fell in love with Seb. They’ve never approved of me being gay, and I think that’s where I had a lot of issues in my past relationships was because I truly always in the back of my mind thought that there was something wrong with me. And I learned here that no, there’s something wrong with them. I have Seb, and I have Celeste and Thomas and Khamani and Luna, and my sister Mila is amazing. And I think that’s all the family that I need. So if they want in my life, they need to apologize and they need to accept me as I am. And until they can do that, I think that I need some pretty strict boundaries, not just for my mental health, but to protect Seb and Leo from them too.” 

“You really love them both, was it hard for you to accept that Seb had a son?” 

“Absolutely not, I found that out I think our first day here, and that was always something that made him hotter?” Antony said, chuckling a little, “But knowing that Leo was so important to him, just made Leo important to me too. And like the moment that we met in person, we just clicked, and he was my son too. And I think that’s something that I’m really looking forward to the most about being home, is getting to be there for him, support him, be the Dad that I didn’t have growing up. Plus I want to be able to get the adoption paperwork started sooner rather than later.” 

“I thought that you said that you didn’t have any big plans,” the producer said, eying Antony with a smirk. 

“I mean, if you want to get into it, emotionally I adopted Leo months ago. This just is getting it all down on paper so it’s official, but he’s my kid, and there’s not anything that anyone’s going to do to change it.” Tears came to Antony’s eyes as his voice cracked, and he wiped them with the back of his hands. “I love both him and his Dad so much, and I know that if I hadn’t come here, it still would have happened. Like you said before, we’re all soulmates. And the three of us together? I think that we make a pretty amazing family.” 

“I think so too,” the producer nodded, giving him a smile, “Well I think that we’re done, I can’t wait to see how everything goes for you back home.” 

“Thanks,” Antony nodded back, taking the mic off, “I can’t wait too.” 

[dangermousie]

CFC 66-67

Since I read them in human translation, I have way more thoughts now.

First of all, I am sorry, the fact that HY has XQC saved in his phone as Stepdad is sending me!

OK, He Yu needs to get a sex manual for dummies. Your partner is not supposed to be in an incredible amount of pain after sex unless that’s his kink. Come on!

Also, my inner OCD is screaming at the - sloshing - or whatever. Ugh pls pls clean up because just reading this gives me full body shudders.

How very XQC that HY saying mushy things is what grossed him out more than sex. Because emotions and XQC don’t mix. But also - I find it interesting that it says HY was saying “shameful and corny sentiments” - whatever they were, a far cry from the stuff he said in the club trying to humiliate XQC. He Yu is the one who’s hooked.

What is his hidden mission? The way it’s written reads as if it’s way beyond just “I take care of the few people I am responsible for.” So curious!

Yikes!!!! Nothing He Yu could ever do to him, nothing He Yu did to him in the club back in 53, could compare to the utter dehumanization XQC performed on himself. No wonder humiliation didn’t destroy him. You can’t destroy someone already dead.

That is so horrifying to me. Finding meaning through other people is fine. Believing there is no point to you otherwise is awful. This is dangerously close to suicidal depression tbh where you think these people won’t miss you if you are gone so might as well end it. Like! They may not need him in terms of money or w/e but they need him emotionally because they love him. OMG.

You are so so so straight!

Ummmm I enjoy sex but I am not in love so I am not gay is...I have no words.

Comparing HY to a groom during wedding night - well that’s telling!

One of the reasons I love Meatbun’s novels is her shous never feel like girls in disguise. They are men. Who happen to be gay.

OMG, He Yu, the delusion is amazing - the fact that he refuses to admit to himself XQC only agreed because he had little choice is such wilful blindness because he can’t bear the alternative. (Also, my inner OCD rears its head and points out that even if they were in mutual love, no excuse for being messy OMG :P)

I love this. I love how XQC does not mince words, that he makes his disdain and his position so clear. And yet HY, unconsciously to himself, persists in trying to force emotional closeness refusing to process that this is driving XQC further and further away.

Heartbreaking for HY (I love Meatbun for making me pity and loathe him in turns and sometimes at the same time!) but the delusion levels that XQC would do anything but not be gentle and not treat him well under the circumstances is !!!! HY is so messed up.

And this is funny but also sad because this is HY, yet again, trying to desperately change reality where it’s a mutual arrangement, where XQC on some level wants to be there, where he’s giving something back to XQC because in the back of his head he knows how he’s fucked it up and he’s terrified but he also can’t bear to give it up.

[nightswithkookmin]

First, this is my THIRD TIME I send you my question. If you don't response I move.

Second, why still jikook shippers exist when jimin & jungkook was barely communicate. The fact, we can't ignore that, jimin & Jungkook avoid each other. Something between them was not good. I really miss their genuine interaction. Other hand Jk seems normal with other members. WHY?

👀 Ok but I'm really doing my best here 😒

There's literally 400 plus unanswered Asks in my inbox. If I answered one Ask each day it will still take like a whole year to clear my inbox and there will still be some unanswered Asks sitting in there.

Besides, I think I have answered this exact question? I have said I believe Jikook experienced a hiccup in their relationship between October and November last year post JM's birthday but I don't believe they broke up. Not sure how many times you want me to repeat that.

Most of the content with 'no interaction' and 'tension' between them were filmed around the same period within this timeline.

I will uploading a blog on that timeline soon. I have a rough draft of it sitting in my drafts somewhere. I've been answering a lot of Asks lately and I just haven't had time to write an actual blog post. Sigh.

Why Jikook Shippers still exist...

I ask myself this question every single day darling- why do people still ship Jikook when Jikook is more than a ship? They should be supporting them not just shipping them.

Also, I don't think real Jikook supporters support Jikook just because they interact. Those are the shippers. The trad shippers as I like to call them. I support Jikook because they are queer first and foremost and secondly because they are in love with eachother.

Just because they 'don't interact' in a moment, on camera, don't make them all of a sudden straight. It doesn't work like that.

Jimin is my bias and I know beyond a shadow of doubt he is queer. I love him more for it. I really love him more for it. You have no idea. I am not going to withdraw my support for him as an LGBTQ plus member in a conservative space just because he isn't interacting on camera with another member. That's just silly.

The love between them isn't going anywhere anytime soon. As long as they both want it and they both go out of their way to nurture it, it will always be there. I think that's what you should be paying attention to- whether or not they are nurturing their bond outside their interactions on camera during this period.

Because if they are not, then that's when they will become a real fanservice ship. No shade to a certain ship💀

JIMIN AND JK AVOID EACHOTHER. WHY?

Well damn I got nothing. Lol. My crystal ball is on the fritz. Would have to call Dumbledore for assistance. Help, Dumbledore! Lol.

Jokes aside, I see what you mean. But I keep saying Jikook are not broken up. It hasn't been smooth sailing all 7 years you know- ok take a few years. I don't think it will be either going forward either.

Jikook are not jikooking all the time. It's part of the contract they have with us. Lol. Sometimes it's because they are having relationships problems, other times it's their environment, a producer they ain't vibing with, bad hair day, the members getting on their nerves- a myriad of reasons Anon. A ton. I can only speculate. Could be anything from a break up to a lost change. Know what I mean?

They do have issues from time to time. They are human too. Sometimes they hide it behind smiles and perform knock off versions of their bond for us.

Other times they choose not to perform their bond, especially if whatever they are dealing with is serious- if it is, they set boundaries and respect eachother's boundaries to allow them to emotionally process and deal.

Most times too they push and poke at eachother's boundaries till the other cave. Especially if one of them feel whatever is getting in their way is a trivial issue.

During Jin's birthday VLive in December, they sounded a lot like they were enjoying eachother's company to me- apart from the part JM was throwing shade at us left right left, I didn't sense any tension between them then.

Chilee JM, whatever did we do to you?🤧

All we did was call you 'a liar' once and now you just keep rubbing your relationship in our face?😥 You really didn't have to tell us you were with Jungkook when Jin put you on speaker.😒 You really didn't. You knew he was putting you on speaker. Acting like Jin was bothering you or something. I see you. Smirk.

Their moments at GDA and the end of year award shows were equally telling of the state of their relationship.

In some content post Grammy you could see them hanging in the background playing games and what not.

Arriving together at KBS in the same car at 5am, leaving set together at 1am and heading lord knows where- cough, Itaewon.

Then this happened... was JK high? Chilee.

Like I know my bias is sexy and fine but JK you don't have to be scanning him like that😭

I've been saying, Jikook 'relax' in certain contents, act serious in others- as they should. They literally had the GMA performance before this shoot and people were screaming there was tension between them and what not and that JK seemed mad at Jimin. Mad bunny where?! Lmho.

The 'less open' one in that performance was JM not JK. To me. I felt he was putting up a tough exterior, acting like he don't kiss ass in that time period. Not sure if it was the haircut or his inner shadow hunter but something had shifted in him. Lol.

You could tell JK really wanted to show off their bond and chemistry in that event, and had perhaps wanted JM to engage like he'd done with him in previous performances?

But JM wasn't doing none of that for whatever reason- No, I don't think it was because he was mad at JK.

He just wasn't on his Jikook agenda.

They enjoy eachother and when they get lost in a moment it's usually for them not us. But they know and are well aware we like their bond and we love to see it. You'd often hear them, JM especially, ask the fans if they like certain moments especially after he's interacted with JK in a certain way or shared certain intimate details about their relationship with fans at fansigns.

They troll us, they tease us, they include us in certain moments- Jk deliberatly stealing JM's tear stained tissue( a reenactment of a popular Korean sitcom where a creepy ass lady stole her crushes used tissue to convey she adored him) him pointing at JM to indicate he desires JM, slowly taking off his shirt while holding JM's gaze, the you are me, I am you, what's tasty in Busan and all these other moments.

They each have their own Jikook agenda. But they are both not always in on it. Sometimes JM has no idea what JK is up to, other times it's JK who's clueless. Like the Holiday remix video where JK bolted after that intense fanservice moment with JM.

I don't think he knew JM was going to do what he did. It was shock and desire rolled into one for him. I just know it. Lmho.

As I said, the director probably had whispered something in JM's ear and had asked him to give them a moment.

JK was probably having wedding dreams flashbacks. His entire Itaewon gay future flashed before his eyes. I'm dead. Lmho.

Jk'd initiate in moments where JM wasn't initiating (during performances) and he'd bump shoulders or just shamelessly wrap his hands around Jimin and have a moment.

Same energy from JK different periods in the timeline- one before Grammy, one after.

May be you should be paying close attention to the things they do when they 'don't interact?' What they do when they do interact. Who initiates, whether the other reciprocates or not etc? The setting and environment equally counts as well.

Literally these two contents were filmed on the same day but half the fandom was screaming there was something off with Jikook in one just because Jikook didn't touch eachother.

JK was hesitating to initiate skinship with JM in one content, but didn't in the other- on the same day. What gives??

Contents filmed with Suga, Tae in dark hair, JM with an undercut were all filmed after 11th October and before 3rd November when Suga had his Surgery.

Content with JM in blue hair were filmed after 24th November.

JK's mood was pretty consistent to me till the pop up in late October, the holiday remix filmed after 3rd November but before Grammy, the Grammy reaction on 24th November and the recent run which was also filmed after Grammy where he seemed mostly closed off to JM's Jikook agenda- do you see what I mean when I say all those moments on 'tension' you and others mention were filmed within the same period?

Jimin's reaction has equally been consistent, going from putting up a tough exterior to being mellow and somewhat humbled or subdued.

Make of it what you will.

Not sure what you mean by genuine interactions. I think you have to embrace all aspects of them and their relationship. They have 'genuine' moments, they have fan service moments, they have good days, they have bad days. Sometimes they don't interact at all.

It's ok to miss them. But don't demand that they change or interact in a certain way to suit your shipping desires. That's dangerous.

They are human.

Signed,

GOLDY

[beggingwolf]

hi so I've just eaten too much ice cream, feel vaguely ill, and I'm here to tell you All About How I Failed At Outlining for SGKF this year!

that's partially just a fun tagline, but it's also a bit true. I told my friends I'd be trying to use several different outlining methods to try and knock out a plotty piece for the fest, and things did not go to plan!

important to begin with: I am what is referred to as a "pantser." I tend to just start writing. this is strangely contradictory to my personality, which deeply loves plans. unfortunately, what often happens is plans and outlines ruin my excitement and drive while working on a project (it tricks me into thinking I've done all the work and resolved the plot), leading me to abandon it.

and though I can throw together pretty words and made a decent fic, my fics never turned out as good as they could have been. I kept telling myself that if I planned in advanced and worked out what I was doing BEFORE I did it, I'd be able to craft a fic with such care and attention as to make it really SHINE.

so, uh, kinkfest rolls around, and since I was a mod I could see all the prompts before they even got released to the public, so I basically had a WHOLE EXTRA two-ish weeks to start planning and writing.

did I? NO.

so, despite the fact that I collect writing advice like a magpie , I'm not the greatest at implementing it. if you go into my SGKF google folder, you'll find a few instances of me TRYING to implement writing advice like metawriting:

(and you'll see some fics that didn't get finished/make it into the fest!)

my issue was (and still is) that I think I value every little word too much. this is a bad thing: I'm an overwriter by nature. when I get words down, I want to keep them because I feel like I worked hard for them, even if they're not great or don't actually serve the story in the way they should. that's not to say all my metawriting was bad; it wasn't. I tried it out for A Drowning in California as well [which will henceforth just be referred to as "California").

I had a whole subfolder for California. what kind of amazed me is how different my initial notes for the prompt are from what the story actually ended up being. here, take a look:

literally almost none of this is in california. the WWE and UFC stuff made it in, and so did sid wrestling with horny, but that was it. I was going to start this fic in the locker room, with sid wrestling someone, and it was seriously going to be a story about sex—about sid wanting to hold geno down in bed. that was the premise.

and instead, we got a really emotional story about familial rejection and the isolation it can make people feel. SO! something happened along the way, right?

when I started getting into the plot that would support this supposed sexfest, this is where I went at first:

geno wants the relationship to get serious, sid is like mentally still a 12 year old who just wants to wrestle people and doesn't want to talk about his emotions, and prefers to use physicality to communicate. this doesn't work for geno, who wants ... more

we can start to see the actual emotions come through, the things I was interested in: sid using touch to talk, and geno desperately wanting more

what did the most good for me, in the end, was "doing" the metawriting by talking with my friends.

I told them what i thought this story was about ("I'm thinking about making this a story about relationship-defining, maybe? and the communication needed for a lasting adult relationship? I think I'm going to set it in california/LA, where Sid has invited Geno along for the first time for his California Summer Fun/Training/Escape, whatever, and Geno's going to be emotionally preoccupied with Defining The Relationship—maybe they've been on-again-off-again? maybe they're just new to this, like almost a year deep, and they're not getting younger—and thinking this trip is about that [or hoping this trip is about that, and realizing it isn't, and being disappointed].") and they told me what jumped out at them.

Jes told me what would ramp up the tension would be a deadline of some sort; "Geno’s going to break up with Sid or make some decision or something, or there’s something approaching where they have to make a will they or won’t they decision of some kind related to the core ‘defining the relationship’ issue. Geno’s going back to russia and in previous summers they’ve always slept with other people while apart? or Sid has a wedding coming up and he’s offhandedly mentioned taking someone else as his plus one?"

I liked her thoughts. it made sense to add an external pressure to all this, and that wedding idea stuck out to me the most.

Lis said I should add a jealousy angle, so you can largely credit her for the club scene: "one thing i like to sort of headcanon/imply about sid's california trips is he uses them to hook up anonymously. so you could have, like, sid and geno seeing sid's friends, but also accidentally running into some of sid's friends. and geno's like oh, great, so here i am doing this horrible summertime training that i hate because i don't need to train in the offseason actually, and i'm learning what exactly sid gets up to when we're apart."

My magical solution these days is GOING FOR WALKS. do it if you're able. it clears out your brain. so on my walks I ended up deciding that I wanted a taylor crosby wedding. I like taylor as a character, and as a person with sisters I just like writing her in. best of all, she and sid are close and I like writing "I'd do anything for my family" sid.

and then I was like. oh. what if it's not that sid is afraid/nervous to bring geno, it's that he can't.

I... wasn't as conflicted as I thought I'd be about writing sid's parents as homophobic. I prefer to write them as supportive; I think troy crosby's been eviscerated more than he should have been in older fanworks, and though I respect their right to make fictional!troy whatever they want, I've been a little skeptical of outlandish takes on him ("he doesn't say I love you to his son because a camera caught them mid-interaction once!") ever since I read how the media has found him a convenient narrative villain while he tried to keep his underage son safe from the media as a child and while they needed to cook up Spicy Stories about squeaky-clean sid.

uh, tangent aside, I always thought I'd never write a "parents are the villains" story, but I did here. it felt right. it was easier, too, because they're not PRESENT in the story. I didn't have to write trina actually being horrible to her son. I just had to skirt the edges of the wound.

which works well on two fronts: I don't have to actively write the crosbys being horrible to sid, and I also leave more to the imagination of the reader, and that almost never fails to make the work better. whatever the reader imagines them saying to sid, it's going to be 10x more hurtful than anything I'd write.

I dug really deep on some personal emotions and fears I experience as a gay person for a lot of sid's arc here. sid is deeply imperfect in this story, and he's internalizing his pain and the horrible thing that's happened to him, which is making him pull away from his partner, and sid is not responding how geno wants, nor is he responding well, period, though he's trying in his own wounded, stilted way.

and beloved geno, whose tender heart is so hidden away for fear of someone hurting it. I really like writing geno; he's huffy and emotional and sometimes bitchy and feels things SO deeply.

once I had more of an idea, I was already working on a more detailed outline. this is where I seriously took Jes's advice and WROTE EVERYTHING OUT! it made it so much less daunting, because I didn't have to be figuring out my next steps AND crafting sentences at the same time. also this is where I tell you that the title of this post is mostly a lie, it was metawriting I failed at.

This outline also meant I avoided writing large swaths of things that should've been cut. Another beta told me I should delete three scenes and condense a bunch of emotions into the club scene, and she was SO right. Cutting events out of an outline is WAY easier than cutting out pages of text.

Ironically my outline kind of deteriorated after the club scene, but that's alright: after I wrote the club scene, I actually had a clear vision of what I wanted the end to be. I just had to trust myself. I CAN do this, I CAN still just write intuitively sometimes!

I think California did what I wanted it to do. I'd love to try something out that's longer and has more story arcs in it (jes has a post for that too!) but I think that's best saved for another, longer project, though 18k isn't short.

next up is maggie stief's writing seminar that I bought a month back. I'm going to start working on that this month and see how I like it. I have a few halloween fic ideas, plus spookfest, so these next two months we should be cooking in the kitchen!

[dukeofonions]

Season Two Episode Ranking

Warning: I get very, very, very, critical in this ranking. Like, angry ranting that’s almost laughable. Should I be getting this worked up over an online series? Eh, probably not. But this is my life and I’ll get outrageously angry over whatever media I want. 

Seriously though, this is all just my personal opinion. I’m not saying you have to agree with me and if you like the episodes that I don’t then that’s perfectly fine. 

I tend to overthink things a lot and I spend most of my time analyzing every little details of this series because what else am I supposed to do at work?

So yeah, this ranking is definitely less positive than the one I did for the first season. But I hope y’all can still have some fun going over it! And if anyone does their own rankings be sure to tag me because I’d love to see them and see how mine compare! 

Anyways, enough of me acting like this is more important than it is, on with the ranking! 

I can’t believe season two only has 12 episodes. Now I went ahead and counted Moving On as one episode in this ranking since my opinions on both parts are pretty similar, but sweet cheese and fish this season started on September 1st, 2017 with Fitting in and right now is left on Putting Others First which came out on May 1st, 2020. And as of me writing this it is now May 2nd, 2021. It’s been a whole year since the last episode and we still have no idea when the finale is coming. 

Like, bruh. 

Also remember how the longest episode in season one was only about 15 minutes long and the shortest one was barely four minutes? 

Well the shortest episode in season two is Crofters- The Musical which is 8:42 seconds. The longest episode is Putting Others First which is a whopping 51:09.

And I wish I could say that the writing was on the same level it was in the first season, but there’s a reason I put that warning up there. 

Well, enough stalling, let’s get this ball rolling.

#11 Embarrassing Phases

There are no words in the English language that can describe the sheer amount of hatred I have for this episode. If I could rank this any lower, I would, which will happen once we finally get the season finale. I don't know how that episode will go but it'll definitely be better than whatever dumpster fire this was.

Like, okay. I have some positives. Roman, Patton, and Virgil's costumes were cool. I won't lie I live for vampire Virgil. And the message about embracing your past "phases" and exploring how they helped made you who you are. That's neat. I like that.

And that's it.

My biggest gripe with this episode is Virgil. He just acts like a complete bitch in this! And I don't mean that in an endearing way he's literally so mean for no reason!

He's all "You guys are trivializing my past!"

In response to them going "Hey Virgil, we're glad you're part of our group now and are proud of how far you've come!"

Like okay, even if it was insensitive to call it a "phase" literally there was no reason for him to get as angry as he did.

Just a simple; "Hey, I don't like it when you refer to what I went through as a phase because it feels like you're not talking it seriously."

Isnt that what this whole show is about? Communication???

It wasn't fun watching him just insulting the others, it was annoying!

Like poor Patton, just trying to help and be encouraging, only for Virgil to keep treating him like dirt.

What did I miss here? Virgil was fine in the last few episodes, so what the heck happened?

Oh and let's not forget the great advice Thomas offers Patton at the end of the episode in regards to handling Virgil: "Don't do anything to get on his bad side or else he'll do bad things to you!"

Okay I'm paraphrasing here but that's basically what he says! And since Virgil is supposed to be a representation of anxiety, this is a horrible message!!!

What happened to finding healthy ways to cope with your anxiety? What happened to keeping it in check so it didn't take over your life?

Yeah I'm definitely gonna make a full post about this one episode later because there's a whole lot more to unpack here. But yeah -10/10

#10 Putting Others First

There is just way too much going on with this episode. They try cramming so much in here that I don't even remember more than half of it.

I remember the opening song, then the Lilypadton fight and everything that happens from there. That's it.

And those are the best parts of this episode, but even that has problems because everything with Janus feels like a completely different episode.

Also the whole way they try to teach about morality is all over the place. How did we go from choosing a wedding over a callback to deciding whether or not you would die for your friends to self care is important?

And while the video game sequences, while utilized well in some places, were way too distracting and it felt like they were just trying to shove as many video game references in as they could.

You could take out just about all of them and the episode wouldn't change. Everything they were used for could have been done just through having the characters talk to each other, and knowing this makes the fact that this video was delayed for so long because of it just makes the whole thing worse.

Like the animations were well done, and I don't want to downplay the hard work the animator did. They were just doing their job after all.

But the trolley scenes (especially the second one) hurt my eyes with all the flashing (would have been nice to have some kind of warning for that) and some of the voice effects (especially on Logan's) were grating and distracting.

I want to rank this episode higher, but it has almost zero rewatch ability and honestly besides the ending, when I first watched this episode I was just kinda let down.

#9 Crofters- The Musical

Okay look, the song is a bop and I adore the fact that Logan and Roman got two episodes in the spotlight, but it's just kinda "meh" to me. Plus I get just a tinge of second hand embarrassment but that's just me.

And I know this is kinda unfair but another reason why this one isn't higher is because of a couple of things. One is that they set up some angst for Roman, he's clearly not doing well and Thomas thinks the best thing to do is tell him that he might get his own jam flavor.

Then he does, and instead of following up on that little plot point from this video, they just rushed out a commercial and completely ignored and potential story telling or character development for Roman.

So yeah "Return of the Jam" is the main reason why I don't like this one as much as I used to. And I actually just got an idea for a new post comparing these two so add that to my to-do list.

#8 Fitting In

I actually skipped this one during my first official watch through for one reason and one reason alone: I wasn't allowed to watch Harry Potter.

But I realized that my parents wouldn't approve of me of watching a gay man's content either so I just said screw it.

And luckily I understood enough Harry Potter references to get what they were talking about and honestly, this episode is a lot of fun.

It's a good follow up to Accepting Anxiety, and a nice way to kick off season two. Virgil is finding his place among the group and everyone is trying their best to make him feel welcome, it's really sweet.

And of course we get the new costumes (which i hadn't even noticed that they were wearing their old costumes at first) and I dunno it just gives off season one vibes and it makes me happy.

#7 Moving On Part One/Moving On Part Two

Yeah honestly my thoughts on both parts of this episode are the same. What can I say? It's really good.

This definitely one of the more emotionally heavy episodes in the series, and we see the characters at their lowest for really, the first time in this series.

I adore Patton's room and how each side gets their own corners. All the little details they add in, including the changing picture in the background, it really gives off that nostalgia feel they were going for.

What I love most about this episode is how (unlike some other episodes) they actually let the emotional moments sink in and don't throw in a joke immediately after. Like the ending is bittersweet, sad almost, and I love that they stuck with the mood up until the episode ended.

Not to say there weren't some jokes here and there (mostly in the first part) but once the mood shifts and things become more serious they let that mood stay. And when there are jokes they all work really well.

This is one episode I've actually watched the least out of season two, so it'll be interesting when I go watch it again to see if any of this holds up.

#6 Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning?

Honestly I only put this one above Moving On because Logan and Roman are my favorites.

This episode is actually one of the weaker ones, which hurts to say because again, favorite characters, but goodness it's all over the place. It feels like a precursor to POF and not in a good way.

Logan and Roman just basically argue back and forth throughout the whole episode, never seeing eye to eye with each other, to the point where I think think the writers realized they couldn't find a way to get these two to agree so they just had Thomas step in and be like, "You guys make a really good team!"

Dude, were you even paying attention? They never even reached a conclusion on their own. And even though they have their little moment at the end, it's all kinda ruined when nothing in their relationship changes.

Yes, in Learning New Things About Ourselves, they acknowledge that there's more work to be done in regards to them, which makes sense. People aren't going to suddenly change overnight.

Yet despite having come to some kind of understanding with each other twice now (both here and LNTAO) in the following episodes they still act like they hate each other! Heck Roman is downright nasty to him for seemingly no reason and I don't really blame him for it.

More like I think the writers just don't know how to develop their relationship and just aren't as interested in them as the others. Logan's been reduced to being Mr. Exposition and apparently Roman's personal issues aren't enough for him to carry a room episode on his own because they felt the need to introduce two new characters before he finally gets it.

Sorry, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the episode.

There's some funny bits here and there and the little animations are cute (even if unnecessary) but really it's only saving grace is being Roman and Logan centered.

Even though they felt the need to include a cameo from literally every other character because apparently no one has any faith that Logan and Roman can carry an episode on their own.

#5 The Sanders Sides 12 Days of Christmas

This episode is just pure fun. Look, I'm not a big fan of Christmas, even less of a fan of Christmas songs, but my gosh this episode almost makes me appreciate the season.

The way they're all just bickering the whole time, being very confused, and how there's just so much personality from each character even when they're not talking/singing and just being in the background is *chef's kiss* perfect.

There's so many fun little details to pick out during the song and it's fun to go back and watch how each side reacts to different things.

#4 Selfishness vs Selflessness

Gonna be real, this used to be my favorite episode. Until my overly critical brain started finding all kinds of problems in the writing department but I think I’ve been negative enough on this post so I’ll save it for another time. 

Janus steals the show in this one, it’s his first official appearance since his debut and he just soaks up the spotlight. It’s refreshing to have an antagonist in the show again, and he’s the perfect foil for each of the original Sides. 

He knows how to play into Roman’s insecurities, know how to feed into his ego and get him on his side. He’s in direct opposition to Patton, who believes that everything Janus represents is wrong. He’s able to silence Logan and take him out of the conversation, speaking over him most of the time. 

And I guess he and Virgil have some beef I dunno. 

The courtroom scenario is fun, and I love how Janus is the only one who sees how ridiculous it is (even though it was your idea in the first place, Jan) and everyone else seeing it as perfectly normal is hilarious. 

I do like some of the more dramatic moments in this episode, especially that final bit with Janus questioning Thomas until he finally gets him to admit the truth. It was intense and reminded me of the scene where Janus confronts Roman in a similar manner. 

While far from perfect this is still a good episode and I can find a lot to love about it, like Janus in a suit. 

#3 Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts

This episode scared the shit out of me and I loved it.

Okay it didn’t actually scare me. But I stayed up to wait for it to be posted, which wasn’t until 2 or 3 in the morning. So by the time I finally watched it I was half awake and not expecting anything that I witnessed. 

The result was me being terrified of Thomas with a mustache and it prevented me from sleeping. I was over it the next day though and had Forbidden Fruit stuck in my head all day. Which isn’t good when you’re running the register at work and you can’t stop singing it. 

There’s a lot of reason why I love this episode, Remus being the primary thing. His entrance is iconic, the first few notes from his theme play as he creeps up behind the TV, him smiling at Roman all creepily until he whacks him over the head and knocks him out for most of the episode. 

Then we get the song, Forbidden Fruit, which is just great. Slight secondhand embarrassment but seeing the finished product and all they put into it, I can’t help but love it. 

Still miffed that Janus hasn’t gotten a song... specifically a villain song... I won’t ever let that go...

Logan is another highlight in this episode (no surprise) and seeing him go head-to-head against his polar opposite without batting an eye was interesting since I was kinda expecting them to show Logan having trouble dealing with Remus but nope. He handled it like a champ and I love them both. 

Now I am kinda wary as to how they’re going to handle Remus in the future, especially with the intrusive thoughts aspect. It’s a sensitive topic and they’re already screwing up anxiety. But Remus has only been in one episode so far which means I can’t make any solid judgments until he’s appeared in more episodes, so I’ll have to wait and see. 

All in all, great episode! Definitely deserves to be in my top three. 

#2 Learning New Things About Ourselves

This episode made me feel so nostalgic. I freaking love puppets and grew up with Sesame Street and the Muppets, so I’m probably biased towards this episode but to me this is really one of the better written episodes. 

Perfect? Heck no. But really, really good. 

I love that we get to explore a bit more with Logan and Roman’s characters, in a lot of ways this is kind of a Logan episode which has him standing against the other Sides, and it’s really interesting to see just how different he is compared to the three of them and it could just be me but it seemed like he’s becoming more of an outsider and isn’t as close with the original four as he used to be, and this episode is what really kicks that idea off. 

I can also relate to the “Well that’s nice but what do you do for a living?” message, except in my case it’s more like I want to quit my “real job” to pursue what I’m passionate about while people tell me it’ll probably never happen or “Yeah that’s a nice hobby!” So this episode really struck close to home and I just have a lot of sentimental feelings towards this one. 

I love all of the designs for the puppets, they all just fit perfectly and I wouldn’t mind seeing them make a comeback one day. I know that’d be difficult since they’d need a professional to puppet them but hey, one can dream right?

And oh my gosh the song, it just gives off the same feel from Sesame Street and Muppet songs with it’s jazzy feel. And I won’t lie I flipped my lid when Logan and Thomas were in the same shot together. We hadn’t seen any of the Sides share the screen with Thomas yet and the fact that it was Logan, and he was arguing with Thomas and they were singing over each other? Ah I love it!

Also don’t get me started on how Logan’s bit in the song sounds more villainous than the others. I’m not saying anything just a neat little observation. 

I have a lot of happy feelings attached to this episode, so despite the few problems I have with it I could never bring myself to hate it. The only one that tops it is...

#1 Can Lying Be Good?

The episode that started it all. The one that caught my attention and sparked my new fixation on this little series that I had just glossed over before.

I really don’t know what prompted me to watch this episode, other than I wasn’t in the best place and it just happened to pop into my recommendations one day and I figured, “Huh, haven’t watched this guy for awhile. Let’s see what he’s been up to.”

Once the episode was finished my first thought was “Holy shit when did this series start having lore?!”

This episode is probably the closest thing to perfect out of all the season two episodes so far. The writing is clever, pretty much all of the jokes land, and oh my gosh the editing in this one is phenomenal. 

The way they show Roman shifting between himself and Joan throughout the episode is what sticks out the most. Having Roman’s voice coming from Joan, or having them briefly change back to Roman, I love it so much. 

Not to mention Thomas’s ever changing shirt that reflects what he’s thinking/feeling is a neat little detail.

Did I mention this episode is hilarious? The ridiculousness of each scenario that they act out, with all the little inputs from Logan and Virgil who are both trying their best to do their jobs besides not even wanting to be part of it in the first place is adorable. 

And of course, the man of the hour, Deceit. Or Janus as we now know him as. 

Is it weird that I like Deceit more as a name? Probably, but that’s just because I don’t like how early his name was revealed. 

Okay that was my last negative comment. Promise.

Now since I hadn’t watched Sanders Sides in a while I didn’t notice anything off about “Patton” during my first watch. But going back after seeing the rest of the series helped me catch all the little hints they added to clue in the audience that something wasn’t right. 

A lot of it is really subtle, mostly in the acting department, but once you’ve caught on to everything it makes you wonder how you didn’t notice the first time. You can even see Logan and Virgil throughout the episode, knowing that something is off with “Patton” but holding back their concerns until Virgil finally calls Deceit out. 

I’ve rewatched Deceit’s reveal so many times. When he finally drops the act after Thomas makes up his mind not to lie, you can just tell he no longer cares whether Thomas knows or not. Then things get even more tense when Logan is silenced, and everyone knows what’s going on except Thomas. 

The music starts to build up, Thomas is flipping out, then after Deceit taunts him again he finally demands to know what’s going on and BAM there he is!

I love everything about this. 

Like, what else can I say? This episode is brilliant. It really shows exactly what this team is capable of when they’re at their best. The pacing, the build up, the writing, all of it combined together to make the perfect episode.

Season Two has been, interesting. The long waits have caused some problems with the pacing and characters, not to mention the departure of Joan from the writing team with new writers entering the room, not to mention the first welcome now unwelcome arrival of Asides, and with only the season finale left before season three, it makes me wonder just where this series is headed.

I know this series is capable of doing incredible things, season one is still solid and it really holds up even after all this time. But season two just feels like a jumbled mess. Sure, it’s easy to enjoy the episodes individually, but once you try to fit them all together it’s like trying to jam a puzzle piece into a place where it doesn’t fit. 

The best way to describe this season is as an experimental season. Each episode has the team trying something new, sometimes it seems these gimmicks take precedence over the story itself. Of course, some of these can work to the episode’s advantage, while others are just distracting and you’d know you wouldn’t miss them if they were gone. 

It’s a mixed bag that’s for sure. One that has me watching in morbid curiosity as I wait to see whether it’ll crash in the end or blow my expectations out of the water. It really is fun to analyze these episodes, and yes I know I can be very harsh but believe it or not this is how I engage with media that I love.

My hope is that team will learn from season two and try to take a more simple approach with their production once season three roles around. Because if they continue at the same pace they are now I doubt there will be many people around to see this series through. 

And on that note, that was my ranking of season two! I’m actually kinda excited now to go back and rewatch everything, I hope I don’t have to wait much longer to do so but that all depends on when the season two finale comes. Whether it ends up exceeding my expectations or just being “meh” I know it’ll be interesting regardless and I can’t wait to see just how they plan on wrapping this all up before the final season arrives. 

[do-you-have-a-flag]

Destiel shippers come get ya’ll juice!

SO @deadwright​ and I were inspired by Some Tumblr Posts and the twitter Roadhouse  Wedding stuff and keep writing headcanons about Thee Destiel 2021 Married Ever After S16 SPN Romantic Event Of The Season, so here’s that. 

Arranged in order of marital chronology and cutting out us keysmashing too much:

oh man imagine all the burgers they get catered for the reception dean got it done himself he would’ve been so particular about the catering bridezilla cas would probably be THEE bitchiest bridezilla

it's also definitely that trope where all the other hunters ect KNOW that that many of them and the wedding party are essentially a target for trouble so everyone spends the 24 hours leading up to the vows taking out every beastie who shows up on a revenge kick out of sight because they'll be damned if they let ANYTHING stop this wedding and Dean and cas are both having their marital jitters oh god im not good enough what if something goes wrong about mundane things while monsters are getting their ass kicked outside AWWWWWWWW for sure for sure, they’re hunter royalty this wedding is a big deal like half the attendees are nursing injuries but grinning widely

they don't do the can't see eachother before the wedding thing because you KNOW dean would be fixing cas' tie last minute

dean wears a blue pocket square to match cas' tie cas wears a FLANNEL SQUARE

I’m obsessed w the idea of cas giving dean a little bit of his grace in a small bottle on a chain for him to wear or like a wing feather or some part of him god the grace in a bottle breaks me every time in fic dean probably builds cas something but every time i try to think of something specific i choke up

i was thinking like what if trading grace is as close to a romantic gesture as angels have and he's like..... technically i left some grace behind in your mark when i dragged you from the pit and dean is like ARE YOU SAYING WE'VE BEEN MARRIED THIS WHOLE TIME? 

they are so sweet i’m on the verge of tears the ability to do anything by halves in their relationship was burnt out by like the second return from the dead moment they are too insane to be anything less than All In And Then Some

at one point someone was like hey cas do you want to run your vows by someone as practice? and he started reading what he'd prepared and it devolved into Biblically Grand Statements Of The Power Of Love And The Redemption Of - ect ect ect and it's because unlike the confession scene he's had TOO much preparation and overshot into uncanny angelic vibes he makes some edits because he know the expressions he gets when he reads it aren't what he intended

dean writes page after page after page of unused drafts, none of them are particularly floral

he does the cliche of ripping up his vows and improvising at the altar, something he gets mercilessly teased for because he swore he wouldn't but it classifies as a chick flick moment

THAT’S SO PEAK HIM OH MY GOD and you knoooooow you just KNOW it’s beautiful and emotional and everyone is crying

god the NOVELTY of dean being emotionally honest in front of people......im gonna faint YEA yeah... ONE TIME ONLY DEAL he thinks loudly at Sam's smug expression

anyway, at the wedding dean is the one who spends the whole ceremony with like crying cat meme eyes after the confession scene i’m pretty sure the minute the vows start cas is in the same boat USELESS HUSBANDS dean gets passed a handkerchief for his tears and immediately goes to use it on cas' face and they both laugh sob love the idea that everyone individually thought they were too tough to cry but they all broke at various stages yeah sam definitely starts to choke up just standing up there with his brother sam chokes up before the ceremony even started, like probably when he was pinning on dean’s corsage

anyway, Jack dancing with his two dads at the reception CAS’ BEST MAN / FLOWER BOY FLOWER MAN let him heelie down the aisle with the flowers LITTLE MAN GO NYOOM who makes him a little flower crown he wears with a proud lil smile? claire ofc, with those hair braiding skills? she makes it BEAUTIFUL flower crown: on nails: painted dads: MARRIED!!!!

when they say i do and kiss and everyone is cheering you can't convince me that someone doesn't let off what is either a gun or a dubiously legal firework in celebration jack pops a few lightbulbs in his uncontrollable joy

Dean and Cas can't let go of each other, it's at LEAST one point of physical contact for the rest of the reception PERIODT

CAN YOU IMAGINE THEM DANCING TO AIR SUPPLY

they definitely didn't do the wedding gifts thing but a few mysteriously show up anyway; discuss waffle iron from sam bc he remembers the becky incident meanwhile claire gets them flavoured lube because she’s an insane little mean girl she gets them a sampler package with like novelty flavours, gotta spring extra for a wedding PIE FLAVOURED LUBE

it’s gonna be the party of the century omfg you KNOW it! that dancefloor going OFF the BAR is FLOWING

dean gets dragged up onto the bar to make a speech and there's a moment at the end where he drags cas up there too and they're being playfully yelled at not to scuff it and there's hooting and catcalls as dean and cas kiss and dean gestures rudely before almost falling backwards off the bar before cas grabs him and climbing down is less romantic or dignified but he couldn't care if he wanted to

meanwhile sam and claire are outside defacing the impala with silly string and lewd graffiti and tin cans tied to the bumper for the going-away oh it is one hundo percent a just married atrocity there's enough condoms hidden in the car that they're still finding them months later

anyway wanna hear my disgustingly soppy honeymoon roadtrip concept? YOU KNOW I DO OKAY SO

you know at some point dean must have said some sad thing like for the longest time he never thought he'd live long enough to get married and the only circumstances he could imagine was hooking up drunkenly with a stranger at some vegas wedding scenario like that's the best he would ever get and he thinks it's mostly forgotten but then during their cross country honeymoon roadtrip castiel does in fact navigate them to las vegas and quietly mutters that the legal veracity of the little chapel on the city limits is dubious at best and they're already married so it couldn't do any harm and they get officiated by an elvis impersonator and a woman wearing more sequins than fabric throws cheap confetti over them

and after that they stop into every venue they can find that would be friendly to them to pretend they're eloping and at one point dean even pulls out the fbi id badges and the officiant is under the impression he's facilitating some sort of covert workplace romance 

one place is a kitchy little house that's clearly just the couple who run it opening their strange home to anyone who needs it and have been since the 70s and Castiel thinks for a moment when they're asked to pin something to the collection of stuff on the walls and ceiling before pulling the receipt for the pie they'd shared earlier in a dinner out and scrawling his and dean's name on it to be added to the clutter 

and at one point they stand ankle deep in a pond while some old hippie lady wraps their clasped hands together with soft fabric and chants something that dean knows isn't real magic but hey he's not going to tell her that and after the ceremony they sit on the grass and feed each other sweet bread to complete the binding or whatever and it's nice but it doesn't compare to the ranch where they both tossed their cowboy hats in the air and were given a horse to ride to their camp site

i thought about riverboat gambling for point one seconds and now i know in my bones that one of their many weddings was on a riverboat, they made the captain officiate after cornering him on deck in like five minutes, the crew sent them complimentary champagne and they threw fries at the birds following the boat while sharing it straight out of the bottle

if destiel can go canon multiple times they can get married multiple times CHANGE MY MIND THEY GET MARRIED SO MUCH the MOST married i just want them to get gay cowboy married

eventually i want them to end up at the beach bc dean has canonically never been to the coast their road trip is to get to the other coast

they send just married postcards back to sam from every stop sam stops feeling hurt he was left out of their vegas elopement wedding by the third wedding postcard he recieves sam saves them ofc bc GOD can you imagine them looking at the postcards on their 30th anniversary or s/t 🥺 showing their grandkids and recounting the story of each wedding there's a seashell taped to the last one

cas gets a terrible sunglasses tan and dean gets burnt on the tips of his ears and there's sand on sand on sand in all their clothes and at one point dean is blinking away salt water and cas is gripping his arm and saying something about the coral by them in the water and dean thinks that he likes floating beside cas a lot better than flying

dean has cas pick ice cream for them from a truck and hustles at carnival games enough to win them both big novelty foam hats and they both go back to their room and pass out immediately post shower sprawled across the bed and still smelling like sunscreen and salt water

dean tucks a little cocktail umbrella behind cas’ ear

cas spends most of the next day in dean's zepplin shirt and a pair of shorts they only picked up once they got there because neither of them thought to bring beach clothes, they sit on the balcony and dean sips his beer and idly plays with the ring on cas' finger and they play a game of what fictional monsters could they beat in a fight

cas’ true form is the size of the chrysler building he can fight king kong easy that's what he says and dean's like okay but what about mothra and castiel is like how would YOU defeat mothra and dean just goes "bugspray." GDJSGSHSGSHDSJ DEAN WOULD

in honour of misha putting his whole pussy into the role, cas wears a dress in at least one of their weddings

it's at one of those theme parks that's just historical re-enactments and people get their vows renewed there and there's costumes for the photobooth and the staff are like how long have you been married? castiel says two weeks, three days, eighteen hours, and twenty five minutes................ approximately.  and the photo is cas in a classical wedding gown and dean is wearing the veil with his old timey suit and there's a moose head on the wall behind them wearing the top hat he was given and they send that print with an arrow pointing at the moose with sam written next to it

i keep thinking bitch!!!! you KNOW WHAT!! you KNOW that dean is the type a guy who's heart races every time he feels his wedding ring/is always fiddling with it in the weeks after the wedding, like an anchor to remind him they really got married this is real he would NEED that physical reminder that he can have good things

he’s never ever going to take it off, the tan line will be permanent

how funny it would be if dean gets injured on a hunt and the monster guy is about to kill him and then the lights blow out and the monsters are like what was that and dean is just like "[spits blood] that's my husband." and nek minnit cas has just ripped through them thanks to teleporting in angel style and is just like Cas: [heals dean] "you're late for movie night" Dean: "Well if you'd gotten here earlier i would have been on time." Cas: >:| [kisses him]

cas is like i didn’t burn the popcorn this time you BETTER be alive to see it

[possiblyimbiassed]

John’s wedding is a crime scene - Part V

I’ve already talked a lot about what ‘crimes’ might have been committed in Sherlock’s ‘reality’ around John’s wedding in TSoT, so now I think it would be interesting to analyse some events that might have lead up to these ‘crimes’, and also how Sherlock might interpret them in his Mind Palace. 

This idea occurred to me after a new discussion surged regarding Part IV of this meta series - a discussion which you can find here (X). (To anyone who prefers to start from the beginning of the series, here are the previous parts: Part I, Part II, Part III). In one of the additions, @lukessense was talking about TLD and asked the following questions:

Sherlock gets beaten by John, because he blames him for killing Mary and asks him if this is a game to him (Sherlock thinks he ‘killed’ Mary because he…flirted with John? Or what is the game here? The game of not confessing? The game of unanswered questions about their feelings?).

These things have been puzzling me too, and I’m not sure about the answers in any sense. The following is just my very subjective opinion, and there could certainly exist a lot of alternate explanations. But I’ll try to lay out my view of it all here - in an emotional context - and see how S4, in particular TLD, can relate to John’s wedding and to other events before it.

The Macho Game

Continued under the cut

First of all: what is ‘The Game’ we see played out in the show actually about? I think The Game is basically between Sherlock and John and it’s about not admitting to (romantic) emotions; it’s a sort of ‘macho’ game where the first one to show the ‘weakness’ of being in love with the other one loses. They can dance around each other for ages, but none of them will lower their guard first and risking the harsh destiny of unrequited love and abandonment and consequently be seriously hurt (’killed’) - risking to have their heart burned.

In Sherlock’s view, to fall in love is to lose all power and control over your own life - hence the constant death metaphor for it in his mind. To confess to feelings is to bare your throat to the attack of the ‘enemy’ - and the enemy is Love; in Sherlock’s eyes the culprit of much of the suffering in this world.

Why is this ‘game’ so important to maintain for Sherlock? Because emotions is such a scary, unreliable and stigmatising thing, especially between two men, and they have to be kept at bay. I think Sherlock is against them on the surface because they interfere with the logical reasoning in his work, but in reality he’s scared as h*ll of them because of his childhood (and maybe youth) traumas. I would guess something really bad happened to him, probably involving Victor Trevor and maybe also his parents.

Sherlock’s aim is to be on top of all that, to never feel doubt of his own capacity and to never give in to the dangerous dominance of emotions. His way of doing this has unfortunately been to repress all affectionate emotions which he sees as a threat. But this ’strategy of survival’ has also damaged him gravely. And inside himself, a part of him is still fighting against it.

My view of John is that he has probably been raised in a homophobic and even abusive ‘macho’ environment/family and been taught to look down on LGBTQ people, hence his gay sister’s problems with alcohol. He’s a very reserved guy who rarely talks about how he feels. He struggles with the duality of his sexual orientation and with fear of society’s condemnation of the gay side of it (��people will talk”). He may think he has a ’liberal’ view of these things (”...which is fine, by the way”), but John also believes he needs to live up to conventions and social expectations, at least on the surface, in spite of never actually having his heart in it.

John engages in this ’macho game’ with Sherlock because he’s also very confused about his own emotions. On one hand he’s both sexually attracted to and deeply in love with Sherlock, but on the other he’s afraid of what these feelings are doing to him. He thinks there’s ��something wrong’ with him for feeling this way about Sherlock. But he’s also an adrenaline junkie; he can’t resist danger. His worst nightmare is to openly confess his (romantic) love to Sherlock, only to then be abandoned by this ’un-feeling psychopath’ and left with the stigma of coming out, but with no-one to support him. I see it as unlikely that John will make the first move to break this ’dance’, unless he has reason to feel sure about Sherlock being there for him.

False conclusions

Now, even if S4 is all composed of Sherlock’s dreamed/imagined scenarios inside his Extended Mind Palace, I don’t think we can interpret everything we see in them as his ’gained wisdom’. In science, scenarios are never more accurate than the data you put into the model, or than the algorithm you use to run the scenario. And these being dream scenarios with no support in ’reality’ (in this case John’s blog) prevents us from using common logics to interpret them; the metaphors are mixed and many-layered. And all the events we see in S4 are fabrications, but maybe partly based on things that did happen before, which Sherlock’s brain now uses in ’new’ situations for the purpose of analysis. Also - and this is important - some of it may show us Sherlock’s mistaken conclusions - he might actually be wrong. :)

As for the hug scene in TLD, I think Sherlock still believes that John really wants to be the guy Mrs Het Norm Mary expected him to be, but he can’t and that’s why John starts crying at the end of the scene. When the truth is that John just can’t play this ridiculous game anymore; it has made him a liar and a cheater and it’s eating him up from the inside (and destroying his character on the meta level).

This has most probably to do with internalised homophobia, but I don’t think Sherlock has realised this just yet (because they both have it internalised). If Sherlock and John had sex on the stag night, then yes; maybe Sherlock (subconsciously) believes he thereby destroyed John’s protection from exposure. He ‘killed’ Mary, he ’broke the spell’ by making John cheat on her, and the result is a depressed John. 

All of this is conclusions that Sherlock reaches first in TLD, after having run this whole scenario about John’s psychological motivations. (And I don’t think Sherlock is aware that his brain keeps running scenarios; he thinks everything in S4 actually happens). I have tried to describe my view of TLD in my meta series ‘What happened to Sherlock’ (X). All seems back to normal after the hug scene, but the problem is that TLD still ends with John being shot, so the problem has not been solved. Which propells Sherlock into his next mental scenario, TFP, where he finally has to confront his own emotions and traumas.

But I think the hug scene in TLD is false - at least partly - because it shows us a John whom it is very hard for Sherlock to comfort because of John’s self-loathing. I actually don’t believe the ‘real’ John would tell Sherlock that “it’s not okay” when Sherlock for once is there for him emotionally and actually offers him something as intimate as a hug. The ‘real’ John would take this opportunity without hesitation and hug him back. But Sherlock misinterprets his own data; he thinks this is all about John’s love for Mary, and his mourning after having lost her. While in ‘reality’ (where Mary may not even be dead) I think John is hoping for precisely this; he’s waiting for Sherlock to show his cards first. But this would mean that Sherlock first has to embrace Sentiment. 

All in all I think Sherlock is a very empathetic person who cares deeply about people, especially those closest to him; he is by no means a ‘psychopath’. In fact he uses empathy as a method of crime solving; he puts himself in another persons’ shoes to see what he would do in that situation (and this comes directly from canon). This way he often manages to reason backwards to reconstruct what has happened. The problem with Sherlock’s analyses, though, is that he actively tries to avoid considering emotional aspects. His fear of certain emotions sometimes leads him in the wrong direction. 

Why the beating?

So what about John’s beating of Sherlock in the morgue in TLD, where he blames Sherlock for killing Mary? This scene is outright horrible to watch and very difficult to understand. Disarming Sherlock and make him drop the scalpel is one thing, but how can Sherlock even dream that John would assault his best friend and kick the sh*t out of him while lying defenseless on the floor? For something that he didn’t even do? This is so absurd that I strongly suspect something else is going on. But here we must remember that this nightmarish scenario, as well as many others, might be based on things that have actually happened before; things that might have lead to the oddity of John’s wedding becoming a ‘crime scene’. 

So let’s use Sherlock’s empathy methods on himself here, and try to analyse how Sherlock might have interpreted certain things that lead to the situation in TSoT. Because I think this is basically what Sherlock’s brain is trying to do in TLD, even if he still doesn’t actually ‘get it’. :P Which, by the way, is smoothly illustrated by this interchange between Mycroft (= Sherlock’s Brain) and Mrs Hudson (= Sherlock’s intuition? His heart?) in TLD:

Before beginning I want to point out that in my view most of the things we see happen in the show (especially after TSoT) represent Sherlock’s lively interpretation of what John has written on his blog. So in order to understand the beating in TLD, the first thing I would do is look for any kind of beating accounted for by John on his blog. And yes; there is of course this one in the blog post The Empty Hearse (X):

John actually admits publicly that he did beat up Sherlock in a restaurant, and then he goes on to wave the whole thing away without even a shred of remorse. Trying to look at this through Sherlock’s logical eyes (where emotions are repressed), I get the impression that John thinks this was a perfectly OK thing to do, after Sherlock’s little ‘joke’. It’s as if John were saying, in big macho style: “Don’t mess with Captain John Watson, Sherlock, because this is what happens, see? Sneaking up on me like that, you’ll get what you deserve.” 

In fact, this whole blog post stands in stark contrast to what John had written about Sherlock when he thought he was dead. Instead of honouring Sherlock’s memory, now he talks about “Sherlock Bloody Holmes” and “I know he's a psychopath and I've accepted that, but...” And also that “he hadn't trusted us enough to tell us what was really going on. Not sure I'll ever truly forgive him for that”. And “he comes back into my life which means I find myself being attacked, kidnapped and stuck in a bonfire”. In this blog post, the only redeeming quality that Sherlock seems to have in John’s eyes, apart from his crime solving, is that he offers John a chance to help with it, which means danger for the adrenaline junkie. “He’s like a drug”. And John finishes with stating that Mary “is the best thing that's ever happened to me”, addressing it directly to Sherlock with a smiley.  What is Sherlock supposed to make of all this?

I can understand that John is upset and appalled by Sherlock’s seemingly heartless nonchalance in just appearing before him like a ghost and behave like John’s years of grieving were all but a joke. But once he had assaulted the guy (thrice, if we are to believe the show’s version), why still this intense resentment? Why wasn’t it even enough to ‘vent’ by hitting the guy? Hadn’t he begged and hoped that Sherlock by some miracle would still be alive? 

Apparently, now that Sherlock is back from the dead, all John’s emotional defenses immediately snap up again like a protective wall and the 'macho game’ is on once more. But unfortunately I don’t think Sherlock gets this, because it’s about Sentiment, and it has to do with him and John. Sherlock probably wouldn’t look at it that way.

But my point is, that this is what Sherlock’s subconscious is trying to tell him through the comatose scenarios in TLD: ‘Mary’ is dead because Sherlock has effectively destroyed John’s heteronormative façade. 

And when did this happen? Well, it probably began when Sherlock suddenly returned from the dead; by that he managed to explode John’s carefully crafted little bubble of ordinary life. Or - more accurately - he blew up his little bubble of heteronormative life; he started to ‘kill Mary’. Hence John’s deep resentment; he was losing ‘the game’. But the biggest blow would have happened around John’s wedding, I think. Because if they actually did end up in bed after a wet Stag Night, this would have been the ultimate proof, wouldn’t it? The final evidence that Mary was not the best thing that could have happened to John, that this was just some BS that John was trying to hide behind. 

John’s cover would have been blown, but he still proceeded to marry Mary Morstan as if nothing, making Sherlock feel like a trash can, only worthy of abuse. I even think there is some more evidence of this in John’s comment to his own last blog post about the Mayfly Man:

So John tries here to legitimise his own conduct, right? A married man who wanted some one-night stands. It might be significant that Sherlock doesn’t even comment on this blog post, but after the wedding he simply hacks the blog. No wonder that Sherlock’s scenarios in HLV, TAB and S4 would be dark and cynical then, is there? No wonder Sherlock calling himself “a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high“. No wonder him calling it “surgery” when Mrs Het Norm ‘Mary’ skillfully cuts out his heart.

But the thing is, that John’s useless marriage could most probably have been avoided if Sherlock had been frank and honest to John about his feelings for him in the first place. And it’s still not too late; the ’crime’ can be reversed. I still have good hope that Sherlock will eventually reach that point in S5 by finally recognising the importance of emotions and take on the real criminal here: homophobia.   

Tagging some people who might be interested:

@raggedyblue​ @lukessense​ @sarahthecoat​ @gosherlocked​ @ebaeschnbliah​ @sagestreet​ @tjlcisthenewsexy @loveismyrevolution

[aurumacadicus]

Pride Pocket7--Putting the ‘A’ in Romance

Y’all this title is so bad kill me. Anyway! Anonymous asked for aro-ace!Natasha. You can still live a happy, full life without romantic love!

--

Natasha was the best Black Widow to have ever been trained.

At least that’s what they’d said, in the Red Room. How she could not be swayed from her missions, how she was never emotionally compromised. No mark had ever swayed her. A pretty face did not make her hesitate, and honeyed sentiments did not make her swoon. She did not have friends. She did not have partners. Her missions were her life.

More than once, she wondered if the Red Room had broken something in her.

“Maybe you’re just ace,” Clint had mused after she’d not-so-politely turned down an especially aggressive junior agent.

Natasha had stared back at him, confused, before finally replying, “Yes, I’m excellent.”

“That’s not what that means,” Clint had said, and then, “Oh God you don’t know what that means.”

Natasha knew better now. It settled her, to know that there was a name for how she felt. To know that she was not alone, not broken by her handlers. She was not a bad person because she didn’t desire sex or romantic affection. She was just herself.

“Do you think you’ll ever get married?” Pepper asked her idly one day, trying to decide whether she preferred lemon chiffon or lemon pound cake.

“I’m aro-ace,” Natasha reminded her, because she’d been an excellent actor when she’d been Natalie Rushman and sometimes Pepper forgot. Also she liked to say it out loud sometimes. It made her feel heard and seen, after spending so long thinking something was wrong with her.

Pepper lifted her head to give her a flat look. “What does that have to do with marriage?”

“Uh,” Natasha said, because she didn’t understand.

“Jim and Tony are married,” Pepper explained. “It doesn’t have to be about romantic love or anything like that. Sometimes it’s just companionship. That’s what my great-aunt did after her husband died—married her best friend’s widower so they wouldn’t be alone. Not that there’s anything wrong with being alone,” she added hurriedly. “I was just wondering! If you don’t want to get married, that’s fine.”

“Okay,” Natasha said. She’d never thought about that before. She’d always sort of wanted the experience of a wedding—finding a dress, taste-testing cakes, picking out flowers. She’d just thought it was something she’d never have, because weddings were celebrations of romance. She had friends, though. And surely none of them would… mind…

“Did you just say that Jim and Tony are married?” Natasha asked after a moment.

Pepper looked back at the pictures of cake she’d been glaring at for ten minutes previously. “Yeah, they get married every time they go to Vegas and get drunk. I think they forgot the last time that gay marriage had been legalized and they’re actually, legally married.”

Natasha stared at her. “And. And are they getting divorced at any point? Maybe soon?”

“Why,” Pepper asked, tossing the pictures of the cake aside so she could glare at bouquets instead.

Natasha couldn’t help the disbelief in her voice as she said, “Because Jim is going to marry Carol next year?”

Pepper turned to stare at her, stunned. Then she yelped and got to her feet to sprint from the room, shouting, “FUCK!”

Natasha still marveled at the fact that Pepper could sprint in heels. She had to take her heels off when she ran for fear of rolling her ankles, but Pepper could run marathons in hers.

“Whoa what the fuck was that? She’s not backing out of marrying Happy, right?” Tony asked, concerned, as he teetered into the room with his arms full of fabric samples.

“She’s gone to remind your best friend that he needs to divorce you before he marries his fiancée next year,” Natasha replied, standing up to go take some of the samples from him before they all fell to the floor. “Ostensibly because she knew if she reminded you, you’d go directly to Jim and wail about him breaking up your marriage, because you know he’d pretend to be upset about it but mostly he’d just be trying not to laugh in case it made Carol mad.”

Tony blinked at her, surprised, then threw his head back and laughed. Natasha watched him fondly. He looked nice when he laughed.

“If you’re opposed to being single, I’m always open for friendship-marriage,” she added, just to see what would happen. “We could go to the same places Pepper went for cake. This one place has a red velvet that melts in your mouth.”

Tony stopped laughing to stare at her, stunned. Finally, though, he said, “What if I want to marry someone I love later?”

“We divorce and I get half your assets,” Natasha replied, smiling.

Tony couldn’t help one last bark of laughter. “Ha! Bold of you to assume that Pepper lets me sign any marriage licenses without making my partner sign a prenup. You’d only get alimony for five years.”

Natasha raised an eyebrow skeptically. “Pepper got Jim to sign a prenup while you guys were drunk?”

“Oh, Rhodey never lets me pay for anything,” Tony complained, setting the bolts of fabric down and offering Natasha his arm. “If I tried to pay him alimony, he might actually come kick my ass. So I just pay for vacations and his niece’s college and so far I’ve hidden at least fifteen hundred dollars in twenties in his apartment that he hadn’t found. Carol keeps finding them and putting them in a jar labeled ‘honeymoon.’”

“He had fifteen hundred dollars just lying around?” Natasha asked, taking his arm.

“I mean, he found some of it, obviously, but I’m creative, right? So I found better hiding spots. It’s a game and I’m winning.”

“Sounds like the only real winner is Carol,” Natasha mused. “Just so you know, I want nothing pertaining to romance at our wedding. It’s all gonna be related to friendship. And also I want on your health insurance.”

“Good thing I love the color yellow,” Tony chirped. “And fun fact! You’re already on my health insurance because no one wants to insure a fucking superhero so I literally pay for all of our medical expenses. I should put the rest of the Avengers down as my dependents.”

“Who’s the most expensive?” Natasha couldn’t help but ask. “Is it Clint?”

Tony scoffed. “Why are you even asking? Of course it’s Clint.”

[cranberry-bar]

Doukyuusei BLANC CH 9 [SPOILERS]: really long post about Sajou’s internalized homophobia

SPOILER ALERT: don’t read if you don’t want spoilers for the entire Doukyuusei series, including chapter 9 of Blanc

A/N: this is just MY interpretation of the chapter.... spoilers below the cut :)

Ok so in Blanc chapter 9 there’s this scene where Sajou pulls Kusakabe away from the funeral pews, and it’s identical to the panel in Doukyuusei chapter 2, when Kusakabe dragged Sajou away from Harasen’s office. It’s a great parallel, mostly because the juxtaposition of these two scenes pretty succinctly summarizes Sajou’s character growth, but also, it serves as a concise metaphor for the entire series’ overarching conflict: Sajou’s internalized homophobia.

Kusakabe is not homophobic. In fact, as Sajou points out in Sotsugyousei, Kusakabe is painfully optimistic and open-minded. We see this throughout the series… Kusakabe doesn’t care who knows he’s gay. He wants to kiss Sajou in public and hold his hand on the crowded bus — requests which Sajou nearly always refuses. Kusakabe proudly announces to the sales person at the jewelry store that he’s buying a wedding ring for a man. In Blanc, he wants his music video to reflect that his song was written about Sajou, not about a woman.

On the flip-side, Sajou is deeply insecure — especially about being gay. He pushes Kusakabe away almost compulsively; in public, he rejects Kusakabe’s affection for fear of being seen. In private, he repeatedly closes himself off emotionally from Kusakabe. We see it again and again. He refuses to cry or admit to his feelings. While Kusakabe freely gives and receives love, for Sajou affection is a constant battle. Sajou never lets himself believe the affection Kusakabe gives him is genuine or will last.

This is the real conflict in Doukyuusei — the theme that spans every installment in the series, the reason we needed Blanc in the first place: Doukyuusei is still, at it’s very core, a “getting together” story, even after all this time, because even though Kusakabe and Sajou technically get together in the very first chapter, Sajou continues to wall himself off from his emotions, and by extension, from Kusakabe himself. They’re not truly, equally in it together until this very moment, in chapter 9 of Blanc.

And so, we come to these two parallel scenes: the one in Blanc, and the one in Doukyuusei.

In Doukyuusei chapter 2, Harasen exploits Sajou’s fears of Kusakabe leaving him. When Kusakabe pulls Sajou away from Harasen, he isn’t just saving Sajou from a physically uncomfortable situation, he’s yanking Sajou away from his own insecurities.

Early on in the chapter, Sajou closed himself off and pushed Kusakabe away, but Kusakabe eventually sees through it. That’s what makes Kusakabe a great character. After he realizes what’s going on, he goes back for Sajou to essentially rescue him from his own overthinking. 

If Harasen represents Sajou’s fears, then Kusakabe is his salvation. Kusakabe reassures Sajou of his feelings for him, and for a while, they’ve put a band-aid on the bigger issue.

It’s interesting, then, that the over-arching symbolism for that chapter is Emperor Tenchi’s poem about the leaky roof in the harvest hut. The roof hasn’t collapsed yet, they’re not in imminent danger of flooding. This is a slow and gradual leak, which over time will become a bigger and bigger problem until it consumes them. It’s foreshadowing what will happen later on in the series. Kusakabe grows more and more eager to progress their relationship, but Sajou is still stuck. He can’t move forward until he moves on. It’s a little ironic that Kusakabe knows only the first part of the poem — “Course the rush-mat roof / Sheltering the harvest hut / Of the autumn rice field…” — but he can’t seem to remember the second part. Metaphorically speaking, he’s not yet aware of how monumentally this leak is going to effect their relationship. Sajou, though, he knows the end of the poem — the more famous line, or in other words, the one everyone else sees coming — and he completes the poem which Kusakabe cannot remember: “And my sleeves are growing wet / With the moisture dripping through.”

By the time we get to Blanc, the leak has sprung.

Sajou’s reluctance is holding their relationship back. They break up, but by chapter 3 Kusakabe is ready to call Sajou and beg for a second chance, and it could have gone down that way, nothing learned nothing forgotten. Instead, Sajou’s mom falls ill and it’s the catalyst for Sajou and Kusakabe confronting their problems. We know what happens: Kusakabe comes through for Sajou like always, he proves his dedication, he’s there by Sajou and Kumi-san’s side, and then we get chapter 8. Kumi-san has passed away and Sajou, grieving, wants Kusakabe’s comfort, except this time, the literal physical embodiment of the looming homophobia Sajou has always feared is standing in their way.

In chapter 8, for the first time in the entire series, Kusakabe and Sajou experience a trial as a couple which is directly caused by external forces of prejudice and homophobia, and ironically, in a roundabout way it still comes from within Sajou himself, but this time it comes from within Sajou’s family. It’s his insecurities come to fruition, in the form of his father. And now we see where Sajou’s fears of acceptance and his internalized homophobia stem from. It’s ironic, then, that only a few chapters prior, Sajou had told Miyamura-san: “I don’t have confidence in myself. It’s fine if I’m alone… if something happened it would be my responsibility, but with him it’s different. I’m scared. He pulls people into his life. If people look at him weird, if he loses something or gets hurt, it would be my fault. So I can’t do this anymore.”

All this time, Sajou has agonized over the fear that Kusakabe will suffer because of their relationship. He fears Kusakabe will face judgement and discrimination, and one day he’ll have had enough, and he’ll leave Sajou. Except, Kusakabe has already left him, and it wasn’t because of any external force of homophobia. It was because of Sajou, himself, that couldn’t own up to who he is, that he couldn’t truly accept himself or his relationship. He couldn’t truly accept being gay. Really, the entire series has led up to this moment: Sajou must choose between overcoming shame and confronting his fears or succumbing to them.

And Sajou stands up for Kusakabe.

It’s the first time in the series this happens. Time and time again previously it’s been the same. Sajou runs, Kusakabe runs after him. Kusakabe reassures, emotional peace is restored, and Sajou’s dangerously precarious self-worth lives to see another day. Kusakabe spends his whole life running, chasing, pining, and waiting for Sajou. After the fight with Sajou’s dad, Kusakabe tells Sajou “I was waiting for you.” Not just now, but forever, since the very beginning, Kusakabe has been waiting for Sajou to truly be ready, to accept not just Kusakabe, but himself, and what this really means is “I will keep waiting.” 

It’s especially poignant when you look at Sajou’s parents as two halves of Sajou in opposition — his mother representing the part of him that embraces himself whole-heartedly, that loves Kusakabe, and his father representing the part of him that feels obligated to conform to society’s standard of normal, to push people away and build walls, to shield himself from emotional pain. It is meaningful, then, that Sajou tells his father “I wish you had died, instead.” Because, really, this is Sajou choosing which part of himself he wants to survive. And he chooses the better part, the part of him which gives love freely and accepts himself and his sexuality full-stop.

And so… and so and so we come to the panel in Blanc chapter 9. Kusakabe has shaved his head (oof don’t remind me), he’s taken out his earrings, and shown up to the funeral in a respectable suit and tie, all in the name of appeasing Sajou’s father, and Sajou hates it (can’t blame him, the hair looks so bad) but really, in a way, seeing Kusakabe like this is what Sajou’s always feared: that Kusakabe would some day have to change himself, or make himself smaller, in order to be with him. Though other characters may refer to Kusakabe as idiotic or foolish, Sajou has never thought poorly of Kusakabe. He has only ever thought poorly of himself. What Sajou loves about Kusakabe is his fierce determination to go after what he wants and to express himself freely and openly. But now, for the first time, Kusakabe is stifling himself for Sajou’s dad, and really by extension, for Sajou. Of course Sajou hates it.

Sajou’s dad orders him to sit, but Sajou ignores him, he pulls Kusakabe away from the stands and they run, and they talk, and finally Sajou admits what we’ve known since the beginning: he was afraid, because he couldn’t let himself believe that Kusakabe truly wanted to marry him. He apologizes, they cry, and when Sajou’s dad barges in and interrupts by asking what the hell they’re doing, Kusakabe’s absolutely unbothered and responds with “We’re talking about getting married.” And I love what comes after: “His dad didn’t say anything after that.”

In the Doukyuusei version of how this scene plays out, Sajou nearly succumbs to the extortion and pressure of his adult male role model. Harasen tries to convince Sajou that he and Kusakabe shouldn’t be together, and it works. His fears get the better of him and it’s only Kusakabe coming to his rescue that saves him. This time we see the reverse. An adult male role model is trying to break up his relationship, but this time Sajou isn’t a kid anymore, and when Sajou’s dad tries to break down Kusakabe’s resolve, and it starts to work, Sajou does for Kusakabe what Kusakabe did for him all those years ago: he saves him.

When you juxtapose the meaning behind these two parallel scenes — one where Sajou had to be rescued, and the other where Sajou not only saves himself, but Kusakabe as well — we see that the story has come full circle. Blanc needed to happen, because Sajou needed to move past his shame, to allow himself to be vulnerable and loved, in order to fully commit to Kusakabe.

Finally, finally! Yes, unfortunately we do have to witness them bone with Kusakabe’s hideously shaved head, but the chapter ends with them agreeing to get married, so there’s the silver lining.

[klossykaylorswift]

My version of what I think went down with Kaylor.

I’m a long time OG Kaylor from 2013-14. I would love it if they were still together. It would make my little lesbian heart so happy! But, there are a few songs on this album that make me thing they broke up. I just want to throw some things I’ve noticed out here. Some are facts and others are hypothesis. I’ve gone back-n-forth on whether I think they’re still together or not. I think her last couple albums have had some songs that made me think... well, maybe they’re not.

The 1

We were something, don't you think so? Rosé flowing with your chosen family And it would've been sweet If it could've been me In my defense, I have none For digging up the grave another time But it would've been fun If you would've been the one

The above lyrics say to me that Karlie choose Josh’s family and the Rosé is about her wedding to him. Then, the grave reference reminds me of the “I TRIED” pin with the daisy growing out of it. “For digging up the grave another time”. I think that means Taylor tried many times to get her back. There’s another lyric, “never leaving well enough alone”. That one also makes me think Taylor really did try. I think when she says “You wear the same jewels that I gave you, as you bury me”. Means, Karlie married him any way, even knowing that Taylor’s heart was broken beyond any pain she will ever feel again.

Cardigan

Chase two girls, lose the one

I’m going a different direction than some of you because I think the person who chased two girls and lost “the one’ (being Karlie) is Taylor. These two songs are linked in my opinion because they are both about ‘the 1’ I think maybe Taylor made a mistake, she confessed to her (make confessions and were begging for forgiveness) but because of it, she lost Karlie: The 1  

I think after they broke up, Karlie chose to go back to Josh and because he lost her the first time, he quickly put a ring on it. She took his family not Taylor’s.

Then, here’s where I get back on the Kaylor Train. I just think Josh is really gay with Mikey and that it very well could be a long time bearding situation. But, if it isn't just bearding then maybe she really did marry him. It would make sense of why Karlie would continue bearding even after finding happiness with Taylor.

Exile

I can see you standing, honey With his arms around your body

Laughin’ but the jokes not funny at all And it took you five whole minutes To pack us up and leave me with it Holdin' all this love out here in the hall

I again get the feeling this is Karlie marrying Josh. And, right after that comes:

My Tears Ricochet

I know some of you think this is about losing her masters to SB2. I do not think a song with this much lost love emotion would be about that, Mad Woman is about that, definitely. Again, I think Taylor tried very hard to get Karlie back but it was too late. Probably why Taylor has a lot of regrets about it. However, I think what Karlie did to Taylor on multiple occasions (in my opinion) was so awful.

This song rips my heart out. How much pain Taylor felt watching Karlie being with Josh, her working under Scooter, the person who said he ‘owns’ Taylor. If you recall, Karlie was hanging out with that uber rich group including Scooter and his wretched wife on Geffen’s yacht. The worst people, the very ones that caused Taylor so much pain. I think Karlie burned her bad. Like they were all enjoying themselves, laughin’ (just like the above lyric, but the joke was not funny). It was in Taylor’s face. Like how could Karlie do that to her?  I know some of you think ‘contract’, but I don’t think so. Karlie doesn’t need money. And, If she’s in a relationship (or was in one ) with Taylor, she certainly did not  need the money! I just know Taylor would not want her girlfriend (or wife, whatever you want to believe) to be with the same assholes that behind her back bought her masters and forever took away her music. These are the people who fucked up her life, took her life’s work and basically tore it from her grasp. You want me to believe that Taylor was okay with her woman doing that because she was bearding for Josh? I mean really, just think about it.

It must have emotionally destroyed Taylor. I think she must have been so angry and cried a lot over this scenario going down. Watching Karlie laughing with those assholes must have ripped her heart out. I think Taylor may have went off screaming and crying, trying to get her back. That’s why she didn’t have it in herself to go with grace because maybe she went off on Karlie, Maybe, this song is about how things went down when they ended it.  

Okay, that’s my hypothesis. I then, recall the home video of CIWYW and when Taylor is singing, playing the guitar, she puts her foot up so the camera cant see her mouth and then its clear as day: Karlie sings the next part. Taylor smiles! If that happened before or after the yacht thing, I don’t know. But for me, that’s the biggest piece of Kaylor proof that they’re together. Taylor says “I love you” to the person who filmed it ( I know for a fact it was Karlie) when you watch that clip on Miss Americana. That, along with many, many, many, other pieces of proof.

As you can see, I go back and forth as to if they’re still together or not!

Here’s a couple things people probably already know:

Peter Losing Wendy is a Peter Pan reference. Peter Pan’s part was mostly (or always) played by a women. Interesting she picked that couple.

Rebekah West Harkness is also known as Betty Harkness.

Rebekah had a group of female friends she called the “bitch pack”. It was not used by Taylor as a 2014 “squad” reference.

Okay, thanks for coming to my Ted talk... good talk!  Happy 2020!