#the existence of the Doctor that 13 found and knew nothing about

[objectivelyimpermanent]

I'm sure that this has already been noted, but is Rogue a Timelord?

Rogue and the Doctor are equated to one another a lot. Some of this could be just two people finding similar interests to encourage fondness, thereby driving the romance plot. Both are troublesome and both like Kylie Minogue. The Doctor does seem like a more experienced or emotionally healthy (or "post-therapy") person trying to get someone more shy or less experienced out of their shell.

But it's more that that. There's the obvious in the name: Rogue sounds very Timelord of a name. But there's also the framing of when they introduce themselves to each other. Rogue is interrogated as as much a name as "the Doctor" is a name.

There's also the obvious time-travel in a ship that can be cloaked with a central console that makes it look a little like a retro-TARDIS. Others also have pointed out that 15's offer to Rogue to argue "across the stars" sounds a lot like the offer 10 gave to undead Simm!Master.

Retro-TARDIS. Time travel capabilities. Apparent 20th-21st centuries Earth-focus, with the fondness for Kylie Minogue. Apparent recognition of 14/10's face on Rogue's part, and we know now that faces can reappear, so that doesn't necessarily root any possible acquaintanceship at any point in either of their timelines.

Now, I'm not saying that Rogue is the Master. I think there's something even funnier.

What if Rogue is also the Doctor?

[13thdoctorposts]

What are you thoughts on the relationship that 13 and the Master have?

(asking because your thoughts on everything are so insanely interesting to read)

Thank you for reading my thoughts because they are verbose. lol. so I appreciate you taking the time. 🙏

Complex would be putting it mildly. 😂

First, for me, SpyMaster comes after Missy. The way 13/SpyMaster plays out is a continuation of the 12/Missy dynamic.

At the end of 12's run, when Missy and the Master kill Bill, this sets in motion the way we see 13 engage with SpyMaster. 12 wanted to help bring Missy to the good side. 13 could not care if the Master lives or dies, let alone if he joins the good side. She doesn’t consider their friendship worth anything anymore. Any second chances he has are well in the rearview. In her mind, their relationship is past any point of fixing. But, at the end of Spyfall, when he delivers that message, she still does not care about him or their relationship. But, she wants to know what he knows.

From the SpyMaster view, there is a constant undertone of something more than what he’s saying. He wants to be seen by the Doctor, for example, on top of the Eiffel Tower. When she asks why he’s doing all this, he responds: “To get your attention.” He also hates who he is. It’s because he knows they were so close to being the friends they used to be. But, he destroyed that with the knowledge he found and the actions he took in destroying Gallifrey. Between that and Bill. He knows he'll never get back to where 12 and Missy were. That's what he likely wanted at the start of his new life.

It feels like he loves her so much he hates her and hates her so much because he loves her, super toxic. lol.

My headcanon goes like this: Spy regenerates from Missy. He isn’t the evil villain we see now. But, early in his new journeys, he finds out about the timeless child. It breaks his brain. To Missy, she and the Doctor were equals. This is a key part of Missy's identity. The companions were pets, nothing more. Missy is his only true companion and everyone else pales in comparison. Spy would have thought the same. Then, he finds out about the timeless child. It turns out they aren’t equals at all. What makes him special, the ability to regenerate, comes from her. In his anger, and having his core belief ripped from him, he relapses on being an evil dude. He then nukes Gallifrey.

To him, being evil is like a drug. He wanted to be good. But, getting this information about the timeless child shattered his self-image. It also shattered the way he saw the Doctor and their relationship. It broke his brain and his spirit. Everything he thought he knew about himself and her was a lie. He thought he knew her better than anyone in the universe. But, that isn’t even nearly true. There is so much shattering in his self-image and their relationship. It's the thing he holds most dear, even if he never says it. The pain makes him default to his worst parts.

He was mad at the elites of Gallifrey for what they did to him. But, he was also mad for what they did to the Doctor, even if that was at a deeper level. It's one thing for him to hurt or exploit the Doctor, but another for someone else to do it. After he destroyed Gallifrey for what they did to him and the Doctor, he found that it didn’t satisfy him. It didn't ease his pain. So, the next step was to go after the Doctor, to make her feel as small, used, confused, and beaten as he was. To make her like him, to try and make them equals again. That's why he wanted her to push that button in TTC. It would take them all out. Then, they would have both nuked Gallifrey. They would be equal in that.

He thought he would kill her or they would both die. Then maybe the pain and rage and self-hate he felt would end. It wouldn't, of course. But, he was looking for a fix.

He’s mad at her because she made him who he is. He can't stand that a part of her is why he exists, as he says in the episode. It's why he feels pain. At this point, he’s convinced himself it’s her fault. But, deep down he knows that they used her. He doesn't have anyone else to direct his anger at, so he directs it at her. He’s probably convinced himself that she always knew something was different about her. His pain is fueling so much toxicity. He can't break out of the cycle.

13 is feeling her own trauma and pain from their last interaction. And from the knowledge he gave her and how he delivered it. By the time we get to the Power of the Doctor, she couldn’t be more over him. At this point, he's killed Bill and nuked Gallifrey. He's been a jerk about telling her about her past in the most painful way possible. None of it was her fault, but he had to inflict more pain on her. She can't be bothered with him, but she has no choice. He's continuing to play games. Then he does the most violating heinous thing possible. He regenerates her out of existence and takes over.

13 has had to deal with unmatched violation. In her mind, it could have been her and the SpyMaster (or her and Missy) against the universe. But, the SpyMaster chose violence. 

She's done with him. But, the relationship still holds some meaning to her. She knows it's toxic and wants out so much. But, he just keeps coming back.

13 can be toxic by herself. She deals with trauma in the worst ways. If she just let Yaz in, things could have been so different. However, her toxicity doesn't help their situation. She can be petty too, but it's nothing compared to what he does to her.

They have loved each other their whole lives. But, the Master in all forms struggled each time to choose the Doctor over being evil. A couple of times the Master has. But, by 13/SpyMaster, those have been rare, and the pain too raw. Although she may still love him somewhere deep down, she knows he is bad for her. He is even worse for her companions. That's why she wants nothing more to do with him. I don't think he wants anything more to do with himself. That's why we see him say "don’t let me go back to being me" during the degeneration. But, when he does, he still has to end her like it's a compulsion. Because of his need to make them equals and if it's his time to go then it has to be her time too.

I'm quite long-winded and I'm not 100% sure I've answered what you've asked. Essentially, they are in the universe's most toxic relationship, and she wants out but he won't let her go. Pain, hurt, rage, and love fuel their relationship in the worst ways imaginable.

If I haven't made sense, feel free to ask more questions. I adore how complex, broken, and deep in emotion their relationship is, so I could talk about it for days... obviously 👆🤣

[whollyjoly]

Em!!! How about 3, 8, 12, and 13 for the BoB ask!! 🖤🫡

hello my dear!! ahhh thank you for stopping by!!! ✨✨

okay okay SO

3. which episode wrecks your emotions the most?

FUCK that is such a hard question cause like...a lot of them. but honestly, bastogne just fills me with so many different emotions?? there's something about the stark juxtposition of that episode compared to the relatively colorful episodes in holland - we go from these purple and yellow fields of thistle and yarrow to the stark monochrome of a freezing hell in basically no time, and you can feel the creeping dread slowly consume you, almost like a kind of hypothermia

i also think that there's something so visceral about focusing on the deteriorating health of the company - not just the physical health, but the mental toll as well. its easy to think about things like gun shots and mortar shells, but seeing the slow misery absolutely guts me. joe's trench foot, bill's uti, babe's cough... and just the overwhelming sense of grief. all the things that gene, our absolute goddamn beloved, feels so responsible and no matter what he does, there's just...nothing he can do.

but even with no supplies, no coat, no morphine, no goddamn scissors - he still tries. he still runs into the fire, takes the boots off a corpse, gives away the precious piece of chocolate. because he is a medic and thats what he does.

(bonus fun fact: the first time i watched band of brothers, i was in undergrad - where i was studying to be an emergency room doctor! my path ended up going a different direction, but that drive and desire to just...help, is something i've always resonated with. especially with gene. so maybe im biased a bit 😅)

FUCK anyways that was a lot longer than i meant it to be but!!! this episode!!!!! kills me!!!!!!!

8. when did you first watch the show?

LOL didn't even realize this was the next question when i mentioned it above!! but yeah, funny story, my ex introduced me to this show?? we were in college (this was about 7ish years ago?) and he knew i loved history - particularly war/political media - and thought i would enjoy it!! anyways, we binged it over a few days, and i super quickly became obsessed.

although, i remember him like? spoiling things for me while watching and it pissed me off?? like he told me immediately after the battle of the island that it was dick's last time in combat, before even sink promoting him and i was like ??? im sorry??? so yeah, 0 out of fucking 10 harry (not welsh, my beloved) 😠

aaaanyways my love for the show definitely lasted longer than my love for him, let's just say that 😅

12. which aspect of the show shocked you the most when you found out it wasn’t true?

okay okay so i feel like blithe is the easy answer, but honestly....

the fucking betrayal i felt when i found out that speirs' tertius (terseus?) bit just...doesnt make any fucking sense

i think i was trying to research it for my immortal soldier!alton more story (cause, uh, fun fact - speirs is definitely also an immortal soldier in that au) and i wanted to get the exact time period that tertius was alive right for some plotting

turns out, tertius DOESNT FUCKING EXIST

not only that, but like, little of that whole speech makes sense - for example, mentioning "carthaginian prisoners" implies one of the punic wars, but centurions weren't a thing until?? like 50 years after the end of the last punic war?? so he's just?? making shit up???

anyways it absolutely broke me cause i was so in love with the idea of speirs just being this big history nerd and classics fan and it turns out he's just that finance bro in the back of the lecture who says things so confidently everyone automatically believes them, even if they're just talking out of their ass 😭😭

although it cemented the fact that speirs would definitely have been a lax bro, tell me im wrong

13. have you read any of the books the real life people wrote about their time in easy company? if so, which ones?

hahahahahahaha okay so ive kinda been the worst about it cause like, i own three of them and have pretty much read the first two chapters of each 🙃🙃

i know i know okay but i am SO BAD at just!! sitting down and reading a book!!! it's on my list i promise

but yeah i have: biggest brother, malarkey's book, and bill & babe's book. the bill & babe book has been my favorite so far, i've read the most of it and i LOVE their different perspectives and sense of personality through it!! so much!!

(bonus fun fact: i got the bill & babe book while visiting some friends over the holidays. we went into a bookstore and i didn't think i'd get anything, buuuuut i figured i'd take a look around anyways. i'd been looking for a copy of bill & babe's book, and hadn't found one at my fav bookstore back home. well, just in case, i found myself looking at the ww2 history section....and there it was. one, single, last copy of brothers in battle, best of friends.

but that's not the most amazing thing. do you know where i was at the time?

the bookstore was in philadelphia. south philly, to be precise. on 17th street.

if that's not meant to be, idk what is!!)

ANYWAYS MY DEAR i am sure you didnt expect me to ramble this much, but here we are 😅 look, i am nothing if not a wordy bitch✨

thank you SO much for stopping by, and zim zam! 🔥🫡

from this bob ask game

[dankusner]

Patric Gagne is a writer, former therapist, and advocate for people suffering from sociopathic, psychopathic, and anti-social personality disorders.

She earned a PhD in clinical psychology with a dissertation that examined the relationship between sociopathy and anxiety.

This research became the groundwork for her continued studies on sociopathic disorder, as well as the foundation for her memoir. 

She did her undergraduate work at UCLA and earned her masters and doctorate at the California Graduate Institute of The Chicago School.

MODERN LOVE

He Married a Sociopath: Me

As a wife and a mother, I have learned how to tell the truth. Which is why I always know when my husband is lying.

By Patric Gagne Oct. 16, 2020

My husband was trying to tell me I was “the only one” for him.

“Don’t lie to a liar,” I said.

It wasn’t a very romantic reply, I’ll admit. But I’m not a romantic. I’m a sociopath.

My husband knows this, of course.

As for me, I knew as early as age 7 that I wasn’t like other children.

I didn’t care about things the way they did.

I was a girl (my male-sounding name, Patric, is short for Patricia) who mostly felt nothing.

It wasn’t until college that a therapist told me what I had long suspected: My lack of emotion and empathy are hallmarks of sociopathy.

A few years later, doctors would confirm my diagnosis.

Human beings aren’t designed to function without access to emotion, so we sociopaths often become destructive in order to feel things.

I used to break into houses or steal cars for the adrenaline rush of knowing I was somewhere I wasn’t allowed to be — just to feel, period.

It didn’t take long for me to realize this was not an effective life strategy.

Rather than risk incarceration (or worse), I used my diagnosis to fuel my pursuit of a Ph.D. in psychology.

Like many, I gained my first understanding of sociopaths from pop culture, which portrays us as singularly dangerous and threatening, our flat emotional state and lack of remorse making us unfit for normal life.

It wasn’t until I began my research in graduate school that I learned sociopaths exist along a wide spectrum, like many people with psychiatric disorders.

You’ll find us everywhere in daily life, as your colleagues, neighbors, friends and, sometimes, members of your own family.

My husband and I dated in high school and found each other again after college.

You would think my insincerity, emotional poverty, absence of shame and guilt, and reduced empathic response wouldn’t exactly land me in the “dream girl” category.

Perhaps because he and I had grown up together and he was already familiar with my “bad” side, he remained in denial for years about my having any sort of real psychological problem.

Nevertheless, 13 years later, we’re still in love and happily married.

But am I “the only one” for him? Definitely not.

My husband had developed a crush on a female colleague at work.

It was obvious, and I understood why.

She was everything I’m not: thoughtful, kind, compassionate.

I doubt she ever attempted to choke anyone.

Unlike me.

She was socially appropriate at parties, appreciated compliments and affection.

Her charm was authentic and her darkness, if she had any, relatable.

Unlike mine.

It made sense he would like her.

They would make a great pair.

So why wouldn’t he just admit it?

He knew I didn’t take things like this personally.

That’s one of the perks of being married to a sociopath: I don’t get jealous.

He knew that if he were to tell me he liked her, I would listen and relate without reaction.

I might even end up helping him shed some of his Catholic-school guilt.

All he had to do was be honest.

When you’re a sociopath in a marriage, especially one with children, honesty is critical — even more, I would argue, than for people in “normal” relationships.

As a sociopath, I had difficulty prioritizing telling the truth, but as a wife and a mother, I forced myself to learn.

Outside of my family, my loyalty to the truth is what has enabled me to connect with other people.

As a doctor who specializes in the research of sociopathy, I prize credibility and integrity as my greatest asset.

Granted, it hasn’t been easy.

People claim to want complete honesty from their partner or spouse, but I have found they aren’t always happy when they get it, especially when that honesty is coming from a sociopath.

My husband was never thrilled to hear that I had spent the day in a stranger’s house without that person’s knowledge or committed other misdeeds.

But his real anger was reserved for the fact that I never felt guilty about these things.

For my husband, guilt is a driving force.

His formative years were shaped by his overbearing and infirm mother.

And then he married someone who seemed immune to it.

He wanted to know: Why did I never care what anyone thought? Why was my behavior never limited by guilt?

For a long time, he was angry.

But eventually he began to understand it wasn’t my fault that I was born with a reduced capacity for remorse.

And it wasn’t his fault his mother was so negatively attached.

A few years after we married, with his encouragement, my behavior started to shift.

I would never experience shame the way other people do, but I would learn to understand it.

Thanks to him, I started to behave.

I stopped acting like a sociopath.

And thanks to me, he started to see the value in not caring as much about what others thought.

He noticed how often guilt was forcing his hand, frequently in unhealthy directions.

He would never be a sociopath, but he saw value in a few of my personality traits.

He learned to say “no” and mean it, especially when it came to activities he was doing purely out of obligation — family visits or holiday gatherings he didn’t enjoy but couldn’t decline.

He started to recognize when he was being manipulated.

He noticed when emotion was clouding his judgment.

What a pair we are.

Certainly, there have been setbacks.

He isn’t always patient.

I’m not always on my best behavior.

And on those occasions, I leave a token on his desk to let him know when I have been up to no good (minor mischief like sneaking embarrassing items into a line-cutter’s grocery cart).

The token I leave is an innocuous trinket, a Statue of Liberty figurine from a key chain.

Anyone else who saw it wouldn’t think twice. But he knows what it means.

Whenever I leave the figurine on his desk, it means I’ve done something wrong.

The second he sees it, he comes to find me, gives me a kiss and slips it back into my purse.

Often, he doesn’t ask what I’ve done, but if he does, he knows he can trust me to be honest.

And I know the same, so I never stray too far outside the lines.

Which is why his denial of his office crush was so confusing.

For the first time in our relationship, it wasn’t my interpretation of the truth that was causing a shift in our marriage; it was his.

Believe it or not, I could appreciate the cause of his dishonesty.

On good days, I was almost entertained by it.

His clumsy white lies were like a toddler’s, and nearly as endearing.

On those days I wanted to hug him for being so cute.

“You see what you’re doing?” I wanted to say. “You’re not being honest about your feelings for her. You’re lying. Now, how is this any different from what I used to do?”

And just like that, he would have gotten a lesson in empathy — from a sociopath, no less!

And we would have laughed and understood each other better and gone back to sharing everything.

At least I’d like to think so.

My husband, after all, was the one who said we must be honest without exception.

And he was the one who insisted I confess to every single thing every single time.

So why wasn’t he playing by the same rules?

I have been forced to come clean about everything, even when — especially when — I don’t want to.

It’s hard, frustrating, confusing and annoying, but I have done it for him, for us!

If he wasn’t willing to do the same, then what?

Should I leave him?

Go back to being dishonest?

Wait for him to leave me?

On bad days, these were the thoughts that dominated.

When I couldn’t help but wonder: Is this what fear feels like?

I think it was.

My husband was lying to me.

Gaslighting me.

Sneaking.

Acting like a sociopath.

And isn’t that how we sociopaths are defined — as liars without the ability to empathize?

On such days, I saw what it must be like to be married to someone like me.

And the irony is almost shimmering.

Still, I couldn’t help but smile thinking of the future, of the days when we would be able to joke about the time we almost split up because he started acting like a sociopath.

And that in doing so, my husband was finally able to teach me the one thing I have been trying to learn all of my life: empathy.

Patric Gagne is a writer and doctor of psychology from Los Angeles.

What It Feels Like to Be a Sociopath

In movies, sociopaths are often depicted as cold-blooded killers, but the disorder is actually widely misunderstood.

Patric Gagne is a therapist, wife and mother of two living in the Los Angeles area, and she just wrote a gripping memoir about how it actually feels to be a sociopath.

I interviewed Patric on the phone about misconceptions, her childhood, and her urge to break rules…

First off, what do you wish society knew about sociopathy?

Sociopathy doesn’t mean what a lot of people think it means.

Sociopaths can feel the primary emotions, like happiness, sadness and anger.

But sociopaths have a harder time feeling the social emotions [emotions that depend upon the feelings or actions of other people, such as embarrassment, guilt, shame and empathy].

Sociopaths can learn social emotions, they just learn them differently.

I call sociopathy an ‘emotional learning disability,’ since that’s what it feels like.

People often picture sociopaths as Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer, not average people.

Not every sociopath is a serial killer who’s out to get you.

These extreme examples comprise only a small fraction.

But they’ve been misappropriated to define everyone with the disorder.

It’s wild to me that this perception has been allowed.

It’s the only personality disorder where we are villainized full stop, even though that’s not what the research says.

There’s so much mental health awareness these days around autism, depression, anxiety, the list goes on.

So, I was shocked by the negative comments on your New York Times piece.

People were really upset that they featured an interview with a sociopath.

I represent a very inconvenient truth because many people want to think all sociopaths look like monsters, since monsters are easy to spot.

It’s unsettling that you could be living next door to a sociopath and have no idea, or with one and have no idea.

People don’t like that.

Statistics say that the prevalence is just under 5% of the population.

Little kids can seem like sociopaths.

Toby once bit a kid at the playground, and Anton would push over his friend’s block towers.

What’s the difference between typical kid behavior and sociopathic behavior?

Socio-emotions are learned emotions.

Babies don’t automatically feel remorse from the womb.

When a kid knocks down block towers, you say, ‘Hey, that might make someone sad.’

A neurotypical child will get that and start feeling shame or guilt.

A neurodivergent kid may still feel ambivalent.

My mom would say, ‘Well, you don’t want people to feel sad, do you?’ And I was like, well, what does it matter? I couldn’t conceptualize those traditional socialization lessons until I was much older.

As a kid, did you know you were different?

Yes. I learned very quickly that it wasn’t okay to say, I don’t feel bad about that.

And I learned that it wasn’t okay to say, I’m not excited that so-and-so is coming to visit. If someone asks if you’re excited, you nod and say yes. I realized that in kindergarten.

If you suspect your child might have an ‘emotional learning disability,’ how would you approach that?

Preemptively sit a child down and say, ‘Personally, I feel excitement or shame in this or that situation, but there are a lot of people who don’t feel anything when X, Y and Z. And it’s okay that you don’t have those feelings.’

When you’re socializing kids, talk about behaviors, all day long, but not emotions.

There is nothing inherently immoral about having limited access to emotion.

There was a scene in the book where your mom was crying to your dad, saying, what can we do with her?

What has your mom said about raising you, looking back?

When I was growing up, psychology wasn’t as much of a thing, and my mom did the best she could.

Her reaction to the book is what I’d hoped for: understanding that there was a reason that I behaved the way I did that had nothing to do with her.

This is a personality disorder, not anything a parent did right or wrong – the lack of a traditional emotional response is not personal.

You talk in the book about how, since you didn’t feel strong emotions, you would instead feel apathy.

Then stress would build up, and you’d do risky behavior just to feel something, anything.

Can you tell us about that?

Yes, as a kid, I would sneak into our neighbors’ house when they weren’t home and just hang out, or sneak out of my house at night and follow people around the neighborhood.

In college, I stole cars at night, drove them for hours, and then returned them without people ever knowing.

What about hurting people?

I wrote down the rule that I couldn’t hurt anyone.

Then I thought, so, what can I do?

Sneaking into a neighbor’s house, it’s like, look, there’s no one in this house, who cares if I’m here?

But because I knew I wasn’t ‘supposed’ to do it, it felt good.

It gave me a release.

It can’t explain it more than that.

If you’re a kid, and you throw a bottle, it feels good – this is similar.

I didn’t really want to be doing that stuff, but I felt a compulsion.

A compulsion? That sounds similar to OCD or addiction.

I read a magazine article about OCD, and it felt similar — that compulsion to do things that you don’t want to do but that you know will make you feel less stressed.

I remember thinking, oh, so instead of repetitive behaviors or counting or washing hands, I feel compelled to do destructive things.

That understanding helped me recognize that maybe if I follow the tips that they give for OCD, maybe my stuck stress will go away, too.

What were the OCD tips?

They recommended writing down your behaviors and teasing out why they made you feel better.

It’s all about redirecting it so it doesn’t control your life.

I remember, as a child, picturing people in prison and thinking, wouldn’t that be nice?

I’d think about being in lockdown with the lights off and how even if they wanted to do something, even if their compulsive drive was at the absolute highest, they couldn’t do something destructive because they were inside the walls. Wouldn’t that be nice not to be lying in my own bed feeling powerless against that urge?

What are your urges like as an adult?

My traditional lifestyle has been such a service to me because I respond to the structure and the idea that I have a family.

I could go out and steal a car tomorrow and I might get arrested, or I could choose to do some cognitive journaling.

So many people on the sociopathic spectrum have the ability to lead high-functioning, beautiful lives.

What are your guidelines for living a moral life, since you can’t really trust your gut? Do you lean on social norms and laws?

As a sociopath, you can still have a moral compass.

I don’t feel shame and guilt, but my working brain can still tell me what is right and wrong.

A sociopath makes decisions based on logic.

I appreciate the benefits that come with living within a harmonious community.

I don’t have to CARE in order to make the right choice.

That’s something people get wrong about sociopathy – ‘I have to care about you to do the right thing by you’ is just as inaccurate as ‘you have to believe in God in order to make the right choices in life.’

You make the right choices in life because they benefit you and the people you love.

You wrote that your husband sometimes gets upset that you can’t love him in this all-encompassing way.

You love him, of course, but you feel emotions differently.

My husband is Italian, he’s as hot-blooded and passionate as it gets.

You don’t have to be a sociopath to not meet those qualifications!

That said, love is a learned emotion.

Just because feelings like love and remorse don’t come naturally to sociopaths doesn’t mean they don’t come, period.

What does he think of your memoir?

I would write chapters and my husband would read them first, and there were more than a dozen times where he came in and said, you can’t write this, you have to burn this.

He was aghast that I would even consider telling these stories, but playing such an intricate part in the writing process also allowed him to understand what I was saying.

I’ve been with him since I was a kid, and when he read it in black and white, he finally understood me.

What do you hope people take away from the book?

Most of all, I wrote it in the hopes of reaching sociopathic people to feel less alone.

But also I wrote it so neurotypical people could read it and go, ahhh!

sociopath memoir Patric Gagne child

[put-trash-here]

Side Effects ~ Stucky x Reader

This idea randomly came to me and took me back to 10th grade biology. Also, I was really trying to not be ignorant about the topic and did some research but if anyone sees something wrong with the info I have, please let me know.

Warnings: Talk of cancer, mentions of treatments, physical sickness and symptoms

Summary: The super solider serum has some unforeseen side effects.

Word Count: 1177

Super soldiers were strong, tough, basically invincible. At least that’s what the world thought. Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes were the men you wanted to be or wanted to be with. Both had obviously gone through their share of hardships and trouble, but they came out stronger. The two of them were powerhouses, working as Avengers, fighting crime, charming the masses. Ranging from online fan pages to international holidays, the super soldiers were adored and envied.

But while the world celebrated their existence, they stood oblivious to their troubles. Only a select few knew about the super soldier’s secret battle. You were one of them.

The first time it happened was after SHIELD’s collapse in DC. You had sat by Steve’s bed all week while he recovered, even while nursing wounds of your own. The two of you weren’t together yet, that wouldn’t happen for another five years, but the attraction was already there.

It started with the fatigue. Steve would usually run about 13-15 miles every morning but then he started doing less. Instead of 1 mile every other minute, it became two, then three, then four minutes. He started sleeping more and getting tired faster. His pace was still far above so most people didn’t notice, but you did.

Then the nausea. You didn’t know until 2 months after the fatigue started that Steve would wake up each morning vomiting and he was too stubborn to tell anyone. The only reason you found out was when you had to share an apartment during an undercover op in Moldova.

The last straw was the fever. A week after you found Steve puking his guts up in your temporary bathroom, he ended up bedridden. You had helped him strip down to just his boxers and had kept him well supplied with cold compresses as you spoke on the phone with Tony demanding immediate extraction.

As soon as you got back, Bruce and Helen Cho tested everything they could. Blood tests, CT's, MRI's, X Rays, Ultrasounds, and they all pointed to one thing… cancer.

When Erskine developed his formula back in the 40s, one of the only things he knew for certain was that it could cause unseen risks. Headaches, chronic exhaustion, extra limbs, melted face, death. Those were only a few and Steve knew that when signing up. He knew he might have been signing up for a miserable existence and had accepted it over 70 years ago. But then nothing happened. Well, something clearly did happen, you know the muscles and what not. But he didn’t die, no extra limbs, his endurance was through the roof. Everyone thought he was in the clear. Unfortunately they didn’t have the research yet to predict what the future would hold.

Cancer is caused by a mutation in cells during mitosis which is the process of one cell dividing into two. If there is a mutation in one of these new cells, it becomes cancerous and can spread rapidly. In the line of work you and Steve are in, injuries are pretty common. Those injuries need to heal and during that healing process, cells will divide. Now that wouldn’t really be a concern to anybody else, but with Steve’s accelerated healing, his cells divide a lot faster and that makes them more prone for mistakes.

No one had thought about that until the initial diagnosis. No one had thought about how Steve might be more prone to cancer but now they did.

Research upon research was conducted while Steve underwent his first operation. The doctors were able to get the tumor that had formed in his lower abdomen completely out but also gave him his first chemotherapy treatment as well. There weren’t any signs of that particular tumor regrowing but they had to be safe and luckily Steve’s immune system was strong enough that he was able to metabolize enough of the poisonous drug that he didn’t get too sick. He recovered and life went on.

As the years passed, more and more tumors would show up in Steve’s body. When Bucky would finally call the Avengers home, he would notice all the scarring from operations he didn’t remember and eventually would have more treatments and operations in a much more humane way.

Yet you stood by them both. You stood by Steve when he collected all the missed compensation from the government and when he would throw up from chemo. You stood by him when he started volunteering at the VA and when he would be waking up from surgery in pain. You stood by Bucky when he first arrived at the compound and when he woke up screaming from nightmares. You stood by him when he was awarded the Prisoner of War Medal from the president and when he panicked in a CT machine.

Both of them stood by you, too. When you were honored in a ceremony hosted by the UN and when you were groaning in pain from a gunshot wound. They stood by you when you made a speech on the capitol steps and when the pressure of your job got too much.

The 3 of you were a team. You helped each other and supported each other equally. You watched as they tried to best each other in the ring and cheered them on. You’d have dinners together and share kind words over Chinese takeout. You begged to be placed with one of the men on undercover ops and your superiors would agree because your chemistry with them both almost looked a little too real. After a long day, you’d come back to the compound to see the two of them standing in your room, movies and blankets ready for you. You started to look forward to the certain times during the weak unofficial dedicated to the three of you.

During checkups and exams you’d stand outside the door, slumped down against the wall hoping it would be curable. Before surgeries, you’d hold their hands till the anesthesia would take over and then would hold them again until they woke. You’d rub their backs when the chemo and radiation would take hold, forcing them to lie down due to the dizziness. You’d hug them so tightly when the doctors said it worked. You’d make them any kind of dessert imaginable to celebrate, even if it was the middle of the night.

You, Bucky, and Steve were inseparable, so it didn’t surprise any of you when you all sat down one night and confessed your feelings to each other. It didn’t surprise the team when they walked into the living room to find the three of you cuddled up on the couch asleep. It didn’t surprise the public when there were pictures taken of you holding the men’s hands as you walked down the street.

When the three of you lay in bed months later, they would both agree on the same thing. They would take the pain, the lost time, and the side effects if it meant they got to spend eternity with you.

[kampfkuchen85]

Say you won't give up - Part 16

Characters: Keisuke Baji, reader

Note: the story takes places during the time when Toman was just founded, so the boys and Y/N are ~13 years old

Genre: Angst!

Part 1 - previous - Part 16 - next

Masterlist

===============================================

The whole weekend you were on the move with the boys, none of them left your side, only when it was time to go home in the evening, they said their goodbyes, just to stand at your front door again right after breakfast.

They decided that you were the boss for the next two days - which caused an insulted Mikey, but everybody ignored him - and that they were doing all the stuff you wanted to do.

The last destination on Sunday evening was the top of the Tokyo Tower, where you were standing with all the boys, taking dozens of pictures.

You were more than exhausted, but also more than happy when you were finally laying in your bed on Sunday evening, Baji by your side as always.

“You’re going to make it tomorrow, right?”

You sighed when he reminded you of the upcoming surgery tomorrow.

“Of course”, you gave him a big smile. “I want to experience more days like these with you guys. I had so much fun.”

Right now you were thinking positively about the result of the operation, something you weren't able to do in the last few weeks, but the guys totally changed your mind.

Baji returned the smile, showing you his small fangs in the dim light.

“Good. There’s something I want to ask you after you wake up.”

“What is it?”

“Nope. I’m not telling you. It’s a secret for now. Something you'll be looking forward to so you won’t give up.”

“Tell me now.” You rolled over to the side, looking at him with a waiting gaze. “Come on. I promise you that I won’t give up, so tell me.”

He couldn’t resist when you looked at him with puppy eyes, but he was looking at the ceiling to avoid eye contact.

“Okay….but you have to promise me that you won’t get mad, okay?”

You nodded enthusiastically.

“I….I want you to be my girlfriend after the surgery.”

He was mumbling the sentence in his non-existing beard, but you could hear every word.

“Why only then? Why not now?”

The words slipped out of your mouth before you realized it, but it was too late now. You noticed the heat in your cheeks.

“Um…sorry. I didn’t mean to….um….there must be a reason why it’s after the surgery, right?”

“Do you want to be my girlfriend now?”, he emphasized the last word, impatient for your answer.

“I never had a boyfriend, so I don’t know what will be different between us then, but yes. I’m your girlfriend and you’re my boyfriend from now on.”

You giggled like a small child, but these giggles were everything Baji wanted to hear.

_____________________________________________________________

Today was the final day, the day of your surgery. The doctors and nurses were astonished when you walked into the hospital not only with your aunt and your uncle but also with six boys in tow.

“Um…sorry for the circumstances, but can they stay here till my surgery is over? They promised to be as quiet as possible. You won’t even notice that they’re here.”

A nurse took you to the prep room, followed by your aunt, your uncle and Baji, but you were also looking for someone else.

“She’s not coming, isn’t she?”

You looked at your uncle, who shook his head.

“I’m sorry, sweetie. She said she’s very busy with her job right now. She’ll visit you as soon as possible.”

At first Baji didn’t know who you were talking about, but after he saw your disappointed face he knew - your mother.

He gave you an encouraging smile.

“Hey, hey. Don’t give me that look. You’ve got a whole gang by your side. Isn’t that nothing? I bet some people will be jealous when they hear that.”

He tried to lift your mood, but you just showed him a fake small smile.

“Come on, Y/N. I want to see this stunning smile of my girlfriend.”

That comment really raised your mood and you were smiling at him naturally.

“Yeah. That’s what I wanted to see.”

Another nurse picked you up for the final act, your aunt, uncle and Baji were walking right beside your mobile bed till they were not allowed to follow you any further.

All of the Toman founding members were standing there, all of them smiling, especially Mikey.

“See you in a few hours, Y/N.”

“Yeah, we’re counting on you, First Division Vice Captain.”

“I want to eat some more crepes with you.”

You were shyly waving at them, overwhelmed by so much attention.

“Alright, guys. I’m doing my best.”

You gave them a big smile, when the nurses took you into the sterile area, but they stopped when Baji suddenly shouted in their direction.

“Y/N! I know you already are my girlfriend now, but I want you to promise me another thing.”

You looked at him more than interested in what's coming next.

“Promise me that you’ll be my future wife.”

The other guys giggled, because of his words, but Baji couldn’t care less right now. All that matters was your answer.

“I would love to.”

You exchanged another big smile with him, before the doors closed.

Now they had to wait. The doctors said that it would take a few hours, but none of them left the hospital for even a second. They even took turns when they had to visit the bathroom or when they fetched some snacks or drinks from the vending machine.

Baji was the first one who jumped up when the illuminated sign extinguished and the doctors could be heard.

============================================

Taglist: closed

@amajikisupremacy @satsuri3su @bontensbabygirl @mor-pheus @ilysmbaji @quirklesswriter

______________________________________________________

Don’t copy this story to another website nor translate it into another language without asking me first!

[dracosathenaeum]

Try | D.M.

Summary: Arranged marriages don't always work.

Warnings: mentions of sex, cheating, alcohol, violence, pregnancy, murder/suicide (touched upon briefly in one sentence) 

this is kinda a dark towards the end, reader is very self deprecating so only read if comfortable with all things mentioned xx

Word Count: 1.4k

 #A/N: I HAVE AGED UP ALL CHARACTER FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS FIC. (fun fact: half of my year group were professional drinkers by 13 and had lost their virginities by 15, UK schools are something else I tell you)

You don’t love him.

He doesn’t even try to.

You had known who Draco would be to you by the time you were old enough to form thoughts. It wasn’t something your parents had ever tried to hide, nor was it something the either of you particularly held opinions for. It was your duty as a pureblood witch; that much had been drilled into you the second you had come out of your mother’s womb, knowing Draco would’ve been through the same had been little solace.

You had spent the years up until your 18th birthday getting along with each other for your family’s sake, a civil understanding between the two of you, but neither of you fully acknowledging what the other meant to them. You had tried. Once. He had looked at you with murder in his eyes and you had never tried again.

The summer before 7th year however, you had shared a bed every night. Protection charms were cast so that you remained pure of course, but they weren’t ever even really needed; you had both been in the same bed, but the distance between you had never been greater. You would both climb into bed, you facing one way, him reading a book until his eyes got heavy and turned to face the opposite way of you. You both pretended as though the other did not exist, something that would become a habit in the years to come.

//

He was always gone. The first 6 years of Hogwarts you had seen him constantly; you shared the same group of friends after all. They all knew of the betrothal too, no one daring to bring it up infront of the two of you, but you knew they gossiped behind your back. These ‘friends’ of yours were simply pureblooded heirs who would do anything to tear you away from Draco so they could dig their claws into his family fortune. And they were welcome to, you never once stopped their advances on him; no that was his own doing.

For years you had thought that had meant he had respect for your arrangement, for you, but in 7th year you had started finding him with random girls in hallways, skirts bunched up at their waists as he mouthed at their necks. Both too indulged in pleasure to even notice you standing just a mere few metres away. It didn’t matter that they didn’t see you, your face didn’t betray your emotions, you were above that after all.

It hurt at first; not the jealousy kind of hurt; more of the my-arranged-fiancé-who-I-have-no-feelings-for-is-shagging-other-girls kind of hurt.

You didn’t love him, and he sure as hell didn’t love you. Perhaps you were just too naive to think a snake could have an ounce of loyalty in them. That would be the last time you would put faith in him; something you had found rather useful in preventing further unnecessary feelings.

You had spent the next day’s inside of your own head; debating on whether this would be your ticket out of the marriage, or simply be a thorn in your back. You had found him with 6 other girls over the course of a week, all being fucked into oblivion that they hadn’t even noticed you.

Draco had though.

He had seen you the last 3 times, perhaps he had seen you all along, only acknowledging your presence the last few occasions.

Eyes holding their gaze on you as he continued to rock his hips into the girl against him, a smirk on his face. He had wanted you to find him. He had wanted to hurt you. Your expression did not falter once, you held onto his gaze, waited until he was bored of trying to break you and broke eye contact himself.

You had wanted to retaliate; you even went as far as crawling into Theo’s bed after a Slytherin party that had ended with everyone being too drunk to think. But even when you were 7 shots of firewhiskey in, you couldn’t bring yourself to give yourself to someone you didn’t love. Thinking back on it now, you wondered if you even would’ve been able to, given the protective blood charm your father had placed on you to protect your worth.

You had been in hysterics, not over Draco, but upon the realisation of how powerless you were that you couldn’t even hurt someone back that didn’t so much as care about you. You were trapped, this would be how you would feel for the rest of your life and you couldn’t as much as rebel even when only betrothed. You knew that once you were officially married there would be no way out, but you still couldn’t do it. You couldn’t betray your bloodline, and its traditions that had been grounded into you from the moment you were born.

You were pathetic. Harry Potter defeated Voldemort as a baby, yet you at 18 couldn’t do so much as make your own life choices.

Theo Notts did what anyone else would’ve done and dragged your fiancé in to quell your sobs. In hindsight, dragging in Draco whilst his fiance was naked and sobbing in another guy’s bed probably wasn’t his greatest idea as Draco had punched him clean across the face, his pale skin turning an angry red.

A turning point was what you let yourself believe as he held you for the first time. You had spent more time alone that night then than you had ever done (awake anyways). For the first time in 17/18 years he had willingly stayed in your company for more than 2 seconds. He had let you sob into his neck until they turned into quiet hiccups and eventually soft snores. He had fallen asleep with you and woken you up with a cup of tea, a tense but somewhat comfortable silence between the two of you.

Naive. Stupid. Ignorant.

One moment of weakness could never have changed years’ worth of indifference, perhaps even hatred.

Nothing had changed. And why would it?

Sure he no longer pretended as though you didn’t exist (although the both of you pretended that night hadn’t) but he was still finding a different witch to fuck each night. You never saw them again, but you knew. Everyone did.

That had been 3 years ago.

Nothing had changed in that time.

Well; other than the wedding band on your left hand.

He would still see other women; you just hadn’t caught him. He would never bring them home and risk the wrath of his parents after all. He wouldn’t dare risk anything that could harm his reputation.

No, you just smelt their sickly-sweet perfume on him after he crawled back into your shared bed at ungodly hours.

You would dispose of their hairs left on his clothes before the house elves found out and reported it to his parents. You would make excuses as for why he was late to important gatherings and doctors’ appointments. You kept up the image of happy wife so that they wouldn’t know of your misery and label you both as a failure to the bloodlines you held the futures of.

You would always wake just as he climbed back into bed, he had as much consideration for his wife as he had for house elves.

It was the same every night. You would pretend to be asleep, wait for his tell-tale change in breathes before you turned to hover over him, knife in hand, unsure of who to kill; yourself, your precious husband or the both of you.

But every night you would place the knife back in your nightstand, turn over, and fall asleep again; and let the day repeat itself.

You had tried to love him. But Draco Malfoy was impossible to love.

That was how it had been for the first 3 years of marriage.

It had changed just a few weeks ago.

Now, he would still come back, just not as late as before, but still covered in perfume that would make you instantly nauseous. You would still feign sleep but this time, he would press a hand to your stomach before turning over and falling asleep. You still had the knife in your bedside drawer, you just hadn’t reached for it again.

Draco Malfoy was still impossible to love, but the child inside of you wasn’t.

After thoughts/headcanon continuation 

TAGLIST: @bbeauttyybbx @pipppaaaaalouisee @theslytherinprincessworld @fangirl-3d2y @tttyrus @scriptingslytherin @justmimithings @purpleskymalfoy @minigigglybabi @505weasleys @secretaccshh @obbrssession @whatwoulddracodo @thatoneniceslytherin @thehumanistsdiary @mariah-can-dream @futureofanthropology @ccabian @tobarmaidswhodontcount @dray-cookies  @xuckduck @dreamyginny @dracofeltonmalfoy @lord-byron @inglourious-imagines @audreythehufflepuff @beiahadid @moonlightorbit @imonlyherecauseimbored @dracosgoodgirl @dreaming-about-fanfictions @goldensatine @avengers-end-me @sad-bitch-h0ur @zhangyixingxing1 @yourenotafailureoverall @pastelpuffbar @miso-tang @pixiedustsupplyco @harry-and-draco-loves @tsukibaby @dracoswhore007 @hogwartslut @mischiefisbeingmanaged @raylovessarcasm @drxcomvlfx @dracosballs @standingandstaring @its-chickenwing-450 @iamproudtobeaslytherin @mischiefisbeingmanaged @pxroxide-prinxcesss @slytherinxraven @jinnbie @lunalovegoodsgirlfriend @Utzelh8 @gloryekaterina @capkatie @jquick-18 @imcedricdiggorys @osterfieldnholland @explxsion @big-galaxy-chaos @malfoycrave @softlyqoos @krazykendraisnotinsane @minsuuwu @lumlfy @mllzhxrrs44 @weasleyis0urking @slytherinwh0re @gwlvr @m3ssytrash @aubreyanna02 @akaaaaashiiii @carrobrumbrum @dracoswift @bitchybeatle @samnblack @dumspirospero-1​ @dracomalfoyswifeee​ @fuckingdraco @myshaahmad77 @you-sunshine @little_me204 @lipstickandloveletters @pillowjj @meipotter​

[lettalady]

The Long Journey Home

[ cause everything needs a comp page ]

E • warnings: canon typical violence, references to past trauma, PTSD, unprotected sex, explicit sex, semi-public sex, exhibitionism, breeding kink, angst, relationship drama

     Your home in Sokovia was destroyed when Ultron decided to make it ground zero for his attempted coup of the world. Everyone had lost someone – some more than most. You? The family you’d worked for had perished – save one. The rumors were that he’d been locked up for war crimes – that he’d used his family’s reach, and fortune, and found a way to wield the assassin known as The Winter Soldier.

    How is it that they happen to turn up in the same city at the same time, just when you’re starting to get your feet under you again? Madripoor is dangerous enough without the scent of blood in the water, seeping from old wounds that you’d thought had healed.

[ Chapter 1: We carry the past with us, always ] [ Chapter 2: We chase after moments, and are caught by them too ] [ Chapter 3: We can’t drown our demons when they know how to swim ] [ Chapter 4: We might never ‘get over’, only ‘get through’ ] [ Chapter 5: We are all in hell facing different devils ] [ Chapter 6: We are all collateral damage in someone else’s war ] [ Chapter 7: We who have lost everything don’t fear death, we remember it ] [ Chapter 8: We are the result of every choice we make ] [ Chapter 9: We can’t go back and change the beginning ] [ Chapter 10: We build walls against all others ] [ Chapter 11: We don’t always get to say goodbye ] [ Chapter 12: We die so many times before our final breath ] [ Chapter 13: We are free to choose but not free of consequence ] [ Chapter 14: We are all in darkness looking for the light ] [ Chapter 15: We repeat what we don’t repair ] [ Chapter 16: We fight to hold on and we fight to let go ] [ Chapter 17: We exist in moments, nothing more ] [ Chapter 18: We cry mercy and listen for the echo in the silence ] [ Chapter 19: We are made of every moment that tried to break us ] [ Chapter 20: We don’t choose what stays with us, only how we carry it ] [ Chapter 21: We are full of wounds but still standing ] [ Chapter 22: We don’t believe, we only fear ] [ Chapter 23: We are, all of us, ghosts ] [ Chapter 24: We break, we fail, we relearn what we already knew ] [ Chapter 25: We destroy ourselves so others can’t ] [ Chapter 26: We live out our fears or learn to tame our demons ] [ Chapter 27: We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry ] [ Chapter 28: We stop looking for the monsters under our beds when we realize they’re living inside our heads ] [ Chapter 29: We convince ourselves we deserve even our worst moments ] [ Chapter 30: We hide our feelings, forgetting our eyes speak ]

As always -  [ find the story on   AO3  ||  Wattpad ]

Every comp page needs to have a few AUs and oneshots, right? 

[ What If: The Good Doctor ]      ~1k words, complete [ What If: The die cast, a deal struck ]          ~2k words, complete [ What If: Goodbye ] ~280 words, complete [ What If: Return to Me ] ~1.3k words, complete [ What If: A Hidden Shard ] ~300 words, complete [ What If: Walker gets his way ] ~1.2k words, complete [ What If: The House of Zemo ] ~1.3k words, complete [ What If: Unexpected, My Heart ] ~2.3k words, complete [ What If: 505 ] ~1.4k words, complete [ What If: Broken Fingers, Broken Heart ] ~1.1k words, complete [ What If: All gods die ] ~690 words, complete [ What If: Auction ] ~730 words, complete [ What If: How about a drink ] ~560 words, complete [ What If: Counterspy ] ~200 words, complete [ What If: When I Go (I'm never coming back) ] ~670 words, complete [ What If: Fly fly little bird ] ~1180 words, complete [ What If: I Walk In Shadow ] ~2k words, complete [What If: Leap of faith ] ~1k words, complete [ What If* explicit edition*: Auction ] ~14k words, complete [ Heida Hatches a Plan ]     ~400 words, complete [ LJH: Who We Were Before ]    prequel     ~26k words, complete [ LJH: The Baron & The Dove ]  AU      ~47k words, complete [ LJH: Ghosts in the Mirror ]   AU oneshot - sequel to B&D     ~2.5k words, complete [ LJH: Sins of the Father ]   * upcoming AU sequel [ LJH: Privileges ]   * upcoming sequel

silk - 🔥 - nsfw headcanons prompt (a moment from the au - LJH:B&D)  ice  - 🔥 - nsfw headcanons prompt (a moment from LJH proper)  6 secrets - LJH edition Six (more) secrets - LJH edition birthday - word prompt challenge 2024 (a moment from LJH proper celebrating Bucky's 108th birthday)

Jonathan F Walker knows how to find trouble

In case there were questions about the related LJH stories, sequels, prequels, and various branches...

[glassartpeasants]

Like Father, Like Son

Overhaul x F!Reader

Warnings: Angst, unhealthy/toxic relationships, child abuse, mentions of needles

A/N: This is a post based on a head cannon made by @yandereacademia which you can see here. I promise I will continue the DDLC AU but I needed to get this angst outta my system because I’ve been really stressed lately lol. Also the original storyline is kinda bumped up to fit the story

~~~

The only reason you were with the sociopath called Overhaul is because of a stupid mistake you made about 5 months ago. If you could go back in time you would’ve never drank that much until you were blackout drunk. You had somehow managed to sleep with the germophobic man after you both crossed paths when you both were blackout drunk. Which leaded where you are now. In the Shie Hassakai base, pregnant with his child. 

Once you showed him the test he demanded- no, MADE you quit your old job ad live in the base with him. Not in his room of course.Who knows what germs you could be carrying! You don’t get special treatment even if you are the mother of his child. And If we’re being honest, he doesn’t really see it as his child. More like an heir. How else would the Shie Hassakai live on? 

He doesn’t even see you that often. He sends either Chrono or Mimic to look after you. Sometimes Setsuno. You liked Setsuno since he actually treated you like a human rather than a burden. Chrono was a bit better than mimic. Mimic was just a plain ass. 

Your entire pregnancy was all about check ups. Healthy food, did I mention checkups? It was almost every Tuesday and Friday that he made you come into a little doctors room and inspect you and give you ultrasounds. You felt more like an incubator rather than a mother, but you digress. Once you got the news that the child was a boy you bet your ass Overhaul was way more worried about you than he originally was.

You wanted to run really. You saw what horrible things Overhaul had done. You didn’t want your child to end up like Eri or to turn into a shit human being like Overhaul. You wanted your child to grow up compassionate and kind, not a stone cold murderer with no remorse for human life.

Maybe once your child is born you can teach him those things in secret...

~~~

2 years after the child is born

You were right, Overhaul wanted nothing to do with the baby until it was old enough to be taught the ways of the yakuza. He wasn’t even impressed when the baby started talking and walking! You wanted to yell, scream, argue, and just hurt the man in general. A child needs support, not a unimpressed look everytime they do an accomplishment. 

You always supported your son. Showing him how proud you were whenever he handed you a drawing of him and you. Overhaul barely even saw the kid which affected him to the point where the kid didn’t even draw him in pictures.

You were happy that your baby didn’t see/look up to Overhaul as a fatherly figure. Man didn’t deserve to be called one or be one. You were worried if Overhaul would use your son as a experiment like he was using Eri.  

Speaking of Eri, you finally convinced Overhaul to let you see her and comfort her after he used her for the bullets. She was such a sweetie and especially loved how you would sing her to sleep whenever she has a bad day. You didn’t get to see her a lot, but you did what you could when you did. If only you could make Overhaul see what he was doing to everyone around him...

~~~

Your son just turned 8

Everyday your son looked more and more liked his father. Not to mention he inherited Overhaul’s quirk It wouldn’t have bothered you that much if it weren’t for the fact that he started looking up to his father. Whenever your so was getting put to bed by you, he would always tell you about how much he wanted to be the next leader. He would tell you how he watched Overhaul to paperwork, sat next to him in meetings and such. The finally straw for you was when he told you that Overhaul let him use his quirk on a living breathing human being. To say you were furious was an understatement. All you saw was red. 

You smiled at the boy before pressing a kiss to his head and walking out his door while whispering goodnight before your started your expedition to give Overhaul a piece of your mind. You’ve stayed quiet for to long. You couldn’t just let him expose your child to such violence at such a young age! All you saw was red as you walked to his office door. Giving it a harsh knock you were allowed entry.

Upon entering you notice that you are the only one there with him. Just the two of you. You were afraid yes, but your anger out did it.

“Did you seriously let our son use his quirk on someone at such a young age?! He’s only 8! He doesn’t need to be exposed so early!” You yelled at him with your hands on your hips. You knew if you pointed at him you could say goodbye to that finger.

“He’s going to be the next leader. It’s only natural to start him off early. And I don’t remember giving you a say in the matter.” His voice cold and stoic but a hint of annoyance caught your ears.

“8 is way to early! Please Overhaul, Just give me 2-3 more years without him experiencing what you do.” You begged him. Tears threatened to spill from your eyes. You only wanted what was best for your son. Your heart stopped when you heard Overhaul get up from his desk and his footsteps come near your now slightly shaking form.

“Bold of you to assume I would let him miss out on very needed skills to become the next leader. We both know that if it weren’t for him, you would have been dead the second i found out I slept with you. That boy is the only thing that kept you alive. So, from now on, I expect you to never come to my face. Talking about him needing to be kind and compassionate, is not the way of the yakuza. One more incident like this, than I’ll make him kill you myself.” Your eyes widened as you looked at the man in front of you. You can feel your blood run cold in your veins as it circulates through your body. Tears streaked down your face as you felt so defeated. Your entire body felt like you’ve been crushed by a car. 

You turned around and walked out the door and into your room. Locking the door your jumped onto your bed, grabbing the pillow before screaming into it. Your tears stained the pillow case as your body shook. You felt so hopeless and so helpless. Where was a hero when you truly needed one?

~~~

The next day

You were just finished changing before your son barged into your room. You were about to say good morning to him before he started screaming at you. Shocked you told him to calm down, but in the corner of your eye you saw the purple feathers that you have learned to fear walk by.

“What are you saying? Please calm down!” You say as you try to soothe your screaming child.

“How dare you try and take me away from dad! Dad told me everything!” Your son flailed his arms up and down while stomping on the ground. His screams soon turned incoherent.

“Baby! I would never-”

“Liar! Dad told me that you wanted to leave him! He said that you thought he didn’t deserve a son!” You didn’t say that what was he on?! You only wanted to protect him! You loved your son to the point you would die for him! What had Overhaul said to him!

“Please sweetie calm down-”

“No! I never want to talk to you again!” Your son ran out the door before slamming it shut. Your heart felt shattered as you heard Overhauls voice on the other side, ’calming’ your distressed son. You felt your world crumbling around you as your son was the only thing that kept you happiness in these dark times. Him and Eri. Oh Eri, if he grows up that means...

You felt vomit rise in your throat at the thought of your own son hurting such a sweet, innocent, little girl. You fall to your knees as tears spill down your cheeks. You couldn’t just run away from the Shie Hassakai ever. The base is fully guarded, and has high max security cameras. Not to mention the probability of them finding you and your son right away. If you even tried, you would probably get you and your son hurt. Maybe even little Eri. 

Your whole body felt numb. You just wished it was a horrible nightmare.

~~~

5 months later

As the weeks pass by, you felt your hurt break more and more everyday. Your son had kept his word when he said he ever wanted to talk to you again. You haven’t heard your baby's voice since that day. Hell, now you barely even see him! You see Eri more than your actual son now. ANd seeing Eri was not that often.

You felt hopeless. You wanted nothing more to do than crawl in a hole and die. Every night was spent crying over your son and how your life and gone so down hill so quickly. You didn’t even feel like moving. You just sat in the corner of the room since it felt like the only warm spot in the entire room. This little corner felt like some sort of sanctuary in this horrible place you call home. 

~~~

Your son just turned 13

Day whatever of the last time your son talked to you. And day whatever since you’ve left your room. You had no reason anymore. Overhaul officially banished you from ever seeing Eri again. Your world was crushed once more. At this point you felt like your whole existence was useless. 

Your days grew darker by the minute as your mental health seemed to be slipping through your fingers. You only ever moved when you needed to go to the bathroom or to drag the food plate that was brought to you by some employee of Overhaul. You barely ate anything anyways so you really saw no point in doing anything anymore. 

It only hurt more knowing that today was his birthday. You had asked the employee that brought you food if he had a party or just something to celebrate. You felt the last of your hope crushed once you heard his answer.

“The only thing he got was a official Shie Hassakai mask.”

~~~

Your son turned 15

You body was weak. You had refused to eat anything seeing no point in it anymore. You were always tired. Only getting up to go to the bathroom then sitting back in the corner that once gave you sanctuary. 

You heard footsteps on the outside of your door as the familiar voice of Overhaul was on the other side. Another voice rang in your ears and it hit you like a train once you realized who’s it was. It was your sons. His voice was so much deeper than the little boy’s you had once heard. It only deepened your sadness. You blinked but didn’t even turn your eyes once you heard the door opening. 

“We can test the serum out on her first. She’s too weak to fight back.”

“I didn’t know my mother had a quirk.” You couldn’t even make your eyes turn to look at them. You didn’t want to see the monster your son had become. Your heart couldn’t take anymore heartbreak, You felt like you would crumble into nothing.

You felt a light get shine into your eyes. You didn’t even blink during it. Once the light was gone you got a clear look at your once loving son. A mask covered his face just like his fathers did. He looked you in the eyes and you did the same. You wanted to cry but held it down. 

A latex hand grabbed your arm before you felt the needle being poked into it. You didn’t even flinch or wince. Almost as if you were a lifeless doll. A hand moved up and down your face as if to see if you were even alive or ‘there’.

“She isn’t responding to anything. She didn’t even wince. She’s breathing but she looks like she’s sick.” All that was one ear and out the other. Finally you felt the needle leave your arm as a sigh escaped Overhaul’s lips. 

“Well wait for about an hour or two and see the effects. For now, we have to do more tests on Eri. Lets go.” So...he was apart of the team experimenting on Eri. You felt like throwing up. How could the boy who you raised to be kind and compassionate turn into such a disgusting monster.

The sound of their footsteps leaving the room hit your ears. From the corner of your eye you say your son about to leave before you spoke up,

“You are not my son.” You saw him stop in his tracks as he turned to look at you. His eyes a bit wide but said nothing.

“I never want to hear you call me your mother ever again. Your a monster undeserving of one. I can’t believe I gave birth to someone like you. I never want ot see your face again.” In your monotone words they’re were spikes laced in venom. You couldn’t even look your own son in the eyes. As they we’re the same as his monster of a father. 

“Get out of my room and never come back.” You heard him close the door slowly as you let out a breath once you finally saw him gone. You can barely stand to see the monster your child had become. But, you didn’t see nor hear the way his breathing became ragged. Or how his eyes felt like spilling tears. Or how his body slowly shook at your words. 

‘It shouldn’t hurt. This shouldn’t hurt me. Why does it hurt so bad? Please stop it. Her words shouldn’t affect me. Why does it hurt?’

[storiesforallfandoms]

fatherhood ~ zac efron

word count: 1519

request?: yes!

@kellysimagines​ “Can you make one where the reader and zac have been together for 13 years (since Hairspray) and the reader is a youtuber and they have a daughter who is 8 months old and the reader asks him questiones about him being a dad and stuff with the baby with us and we also answer fab questions on how we keep our relationship so good after so many years and stuff? :)”

description: in which they decide to do a q&a about their relationship and parenthood

pairing: zac efron x female!reader

warnings: swearing

masterlist

“Wanna go to mama?” Zac asked as he held our eight month old towards me. She thought for a moment before pulling away, cuddling close to her father.

“I’ll remember this,” I told her, playfully narrowing my eyes at her.

I adjusted my camera to make sure it was perfect one last time before finally hitting the record button.

“Hey everyone!” I greeted the camera. “It’s (Y/N) and, back by popular demand, we have Zac!”

Zac smiled and waved at the camera. “Hey everyone.”

“And today we are also joined by the most adorable girl in the whole world, Dani Efron.” I looked over to see Dani was more interested in her socks than the filming. “You guys have been asking for a Q&A with Zac and I about parenthood, so I decided it was time to give you what you’ve been asking for.”

Dani squealed to herself before reaching for one of her toys on the floor. Zac bent over to pick it up and pass it to her. She smiled excitedly and began to play with it.

“I asked you guys to tweet me your questions regarding Dani, the pregnancy, the birth - but nothing too r rated - and about myself and Zac. I picked a couple, and now here we go,” I continued to explain.

I picked up my phone and opened the first question. “Okay, question number one says, Pretty cliché question here, but what was your guys’ first reactions when (Y/N) found out she was pregnant?”

“Shock,” Zac answered first. He began to laugh once he said it. “I know that’s also cliché, but it’s the truth. You told me you were pregnant and I remember just like...not knowing what to do.”

“I really wish I filmed your reaction now, but I was afraid it wouldn’t go well,” I admitted.

Zac and I had been together for nearly 13 years when I found out I was pregnant. Neither one of us had talked about marriage and kids seriously at the time, we were both comfortable with where we were in the relationship. We had talked about eventually wanting kids, but we were both still young and still focused on our careers.

I took a pregnancy test shortly after the second period I missed. When it came back positive, I went to the doctor to make sure and sure enough, it came back positive as well. I was so scared to tell Zac because I wasn’t sure what his reaction would be. I didn’t think he’d be mad, but what if he wasn’t ready? Was I even ready?

He was shocked, as he had said. At first I thought he was going to pass out. I didn’t think he was even breathing. The longer it took for him to respond, the more anxious I got. When he finally spoke, my heart began to flutter.

“Holy fuck, I’m gonna be a dad!”

He had lifted me into his arms and held me tightly, happy tears running down his face. I kissed him for so long after that, and we were just happy.

“I was pretty shocked as well, but I had an idea that I was because I had missed two periods,” I responded. “I had myself convinced it was like a medial reason, though. I was so sure I wasn’t pregnant.”

“I suppose it was about time for us to have a kid, we have been together for years.”

Dani threw her toy onto the floor and immediately exclaimed. Zac chuckled and placed her on the floor, letting her crawl around after her toys.

“The next question is, What was it like being pregnant?”

“That’s a question for you,” Zac laughed.

“I’m aware,” I said and playfully stuck my tongue out at him. “At first it was basically just like having a persistent stomach bug, but once Dani actually started growing it felt...just weird. It was like this constant reminder that there was something inside of me growing. And when she’d start to move and was like...baby size if not getting to be baby size, it was this weird realization that she was actually there. That she actually existed. It was all just this weird sensation in general.”

“You went through so much while you were pregnant,” Zac admitted. “I will never be able to say I’m tough ever again cause I am no way tougher than what you went through.”

I couldn’t help but blush at this. I had been hearing this praise for over a year, but I would never get tired of hearing the compliments.

“Ah, I expected this one,” I said as I looked at the next question on my phone. “Is marriage next for you guys?”

I looked over at Zac. I quickly took in his appearance to make sure I wasn’t about to get a surprise engagement. I loved Zac, and of course I’d say yes, but I wasn’t ready to be proposed to while filming a video.

Noticing my look, Zac merely chuckled and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “I’m not gonna propose right now. When I do it, it’s going to be private and intimate. No one will even know it’ll have happened until after we’re married.”

I couldn’t help but smile brightly at his response. “I like that idea.”

Zac held his hand out towards my phone. “Let me pick the next question.”

I passed it to him and he scrolled through the list of questions I had saved. “Oh, I like this one: Did you guys have any other names picked out for Dani? What were they?”

“Well, we decided not to find out her gender until after she was born,” I explained, “so we had many almost names picked out for her.”

“I was adamant on Josh, just because I liked that name a lot,” Zac said. “And Theodor, I thought that was a cute and proper name.”

“I vetoed Theodor because the last thing we needed was people making jokes about us naming our kid Ted, for obvious reasons,” I said, playfully nudging Zac. “I tried to convince him to choose Troy instead.”

“I vetoed that one immediately.”

“As for girls, the only other name we had besides Danielle was Isabelle, but that’s because I’m obsessed with the Mortal Instruments series and Izzy is my favorite character. When she was born, though, we just knew she was a Dani.”

At the sound of her name, Dani looked up at us from the floor as she sucked on her toy. I couldn’t help but smile at my baby girl before quickly sweeping her up in my arms and placing kisses all over her face. She squealed in response, but I could hear the giggles in between them.

Dani stayed up in my arms through the next few questions before getting bored and wanting to play on the floor again. Zac and I decided to wrap it up after one last question.

“I think we’ll leave that there,” I said into the camera. “Thank you guys so much for watching. If you liked this video, give it a thumbs up and maybe I’ll do another Q&A some time in the future. Hit the subscribe button if you haven’t already, and if you have make sure you turn on notifications so you know every time I post. See you guys next week!”

I covered the camera with my hand before turning it off, my usual outro. Once I had the camera off, Zac stood from his chair and stretched his arms out.

“I don’t know how you film these videos,” he commented. “My body feels so cramped up right now.”

“I think I’ve just gotten used to it,” I responded as I stretched my legs out.

Zac picked Dani up in his arms and began to playfully rock her. “I got to talk about my favorite girl, so I’d have to say the cramped up body is definitely well worth it.”

Dani smiled, her single tooth slightly visible from behind her little lips. Zac kissed her cheek as he walked around our house with her, Dani more than content with being in her father’s arms.

I couldn’t help but smile to myself at my little family. I loved Zac more than words could ever say, and I didn’t think that love could get any stronger until the day I saw him holding our beautiful baby girl for the first time. He had been there for me through the entire pregnancy, and had been such a great father towards Dani. I couldn’t have asked for a better life partner than him.

Noticing my starring, Zac raised an eyebrow at me. “What?”

“Nothing,” I responded with a shrug. “I love you is all.”

He smiled back at me and responded, “I love you, too.” In a higher pitched voice, he moved Dani in front of his face and added, “And I love you, too, mommy.”

I giggled before standing from my chair. I walked over to the two and kissed Dani’s chubby cheeks before kissing Zac more sweetly on the lips.

[whump-a-la-mode]

Villainsicle | Part 13

I know it’s been a while, and if I’m being completely honest, I really ran out of steam on this story for a while. But, we’re back! If you’re new to my blog and are interested in this story, all of the parts up to this one can be found linked in my pinned info post.

Thank you guys so much for all your support of this series so far! I hope you enjoy this part, too!

Taglist:

@whatwhumpcomments

@sola-whumping

@professional-idiocy

@trappedgoose-in-a-writblr-room

@literally-just-kirby​

@the-polari-person

@teachunks

@daydreamed-snippets-2nd-blog

@sunflower1000

@lightdrinker-blog

@regalwritten

CW//Mentions of bathing, restraints, drugs, dehumanization, conspiracies, collars, talk of diseases, talk of falling, Stockholm syndrome, affectionate caretaker, conditioned whumpee

After their bath, Villain rested.

It wasn’t exactly how Counselor had imagined the whole affair going. Villain had already spent so many days resting, laid up in that same bed, but once they were clean and settled into fresh clothes, they had requested nothing except to be able to return to sleep.

They supposed it wasn’t entirely unexpected. While the bath hadn’t exactly been physically exerting, there had been several instances during it that Villain had nearly burst out in tears. Whatever was going through their mind, it was undeniably intense-- and that wasn’t even mentioning the heavy dose of sedatives coursing through their system.

And, thus, Villain slept. They were unconscious almost immediately upon hitting the mattress.

This time, however, there was no nervous twitching to accompany their unconsciousness. Instead, for the first time, their face showed a perfectly placid expression.

Taking care not to wake the sleeping patient, Counselor draped a fleece blanket overtop of them, tucking its edges in around their shoulders. They twitched, but did not awake. A moment later, they buried their face in the fabric.

Counselor had never before imagined that Villain was even capable of existing in such a calm state. Yet, here they were, looking for all the world as though not even an earthquake could wake them up.

Their gaze flicked to the bedrails. Upon returning to their bed, Villain had not so much as seemed to note the leather-and-foam restraints hanging there.

Yet, Counselor could not draw their gaze away from them.

Villain had been staying in the base for weeks, phasing through various states of aggression and fear and sickness and, on rare occasions, hesitant happiness. But, even after all that time, no one truly knew anything about them.

At least, Counselor knew nothing about them. Based on the way Leader and Medic’s expressions twisted when the prisoner was mentioned, it was clear that the both of them knew more than they were letting on-- but neither was keen to admit as to such.

Maybe Hero had had more luck on this information gathering mission.

But how much information was there really to gather? Officially, Villain had simply appeared on stage a few months ago, alongside two unknowns. More or less, they had acted just as any other villain did.

The other villains, however, had motives. Backstories. They were following orders.

Villain... If anyone on the outside cared about them, they had yet to risk any sort of jailbreak.

There was more to this than the official story, Counselor knew that full well. How much more... as to that, they had no idea.

But they had no need to rely on second hand accounts and official reports to know what Villain was. That much was obvious. They were a villain. Whatever their backstory, whatever their past, they were dangerous.

Right?

Counselor’s gaze drifted back to those restraints. Those simple straps, dangling from a metal bedframe.

At some point, Villain may have been dangerous. But not right now. Right now, they needed help, and that was exactly what Counselor was going to give them.

And, if they wanted that plan to go anywhere, they would have to start with the doctor who harmed their own patient.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 

This time, when Medic answered the knocking on their door, their glasses were on the right way around. They blinked a few times, rubbing their eyes, hardly noting as the piping hot cup of coffee was pushed into their hands.

The doctor glanced down at the beverage before looking back up to meet their visitor’s gaze.

“I thought you wanted me to sleep.”

“Well, that was before. For now, we need to talk.”

“If this is decaf again, I swear I’m going to strangle you.”

“It’s not. Though the same threat applies to you if you try to go back to the med bay.”

“I’m a doctor. In fact, I’m our only doctor.”

“I’m a doctor, too.”

“Psychology doesn’t count.”

“Fair enough.”

“If we’re done threatening each other, then, would you care to, I don’t know, tell me why you’re bothering me?”

“As I said, we need to talk.”

“Do I even need to ask what about?”

“I think you already know that. Come on. You have your coffee, so there’s no excuses.”

“You really think I’m going to be that penitent about this?”

“Maybe.”

Medic rolled their eyes, but did not protest any further as Counselor turned and walked off. The two moved to a rather isolated table, tucked away in the corner of a hallway. The cafeteria was far too crowded at the moment to host such a discussion.

On opposite sides of the table, the opposites sat. Two cups of coffee clinked down on the wooden surface.

Counselor took a sip of their drink, placing the cup back down and raising their gaze. Medic frowned, lips turning downwards even further than usual.

“What, are we planning on talking through telepathy or- Come on, Counselor, stop looking at me like that. I hate that.”

“Then are you going to say anything?”

“I can’t read your mind.”

“You said you knew what this was about.”

“Maybe.” Medic shrugged dismissively. The doctor had been horribly standoffish, ever since Villain had been captured. “Doesn’t mean I’m going to start trying to guess your thoughts.”

Counselor took another sip.

“Fine, then. I can start.” Sip. Clink. “Villain told me something very interesting, earlier.”

“You really believe them?”

“I haven’t even said it yet.”

“Then stop wasting time, maybe.”

“Villain says that you’re making them sick.”

Medic’s brows furrowed.

“That’s what they said?”

“Pretty much verbatim, yes.”

“Well.” Medic took a hesitant drink of their coffee. “I don’t know why you’re even wasting your time on a notion like that. What they are is paranoid. I don’t doubt that they think I’m making them sick. Doesn’t mean it’s true.”

“You’re saying that your patient is lying.”

“Maybe not lying. That would imply that they know what they’re saying is not true. They are sick, I will not deny that. And they are not responding to treatment. I can’t say that anything I’ve tried so far has made it any better, but it certainly hasn’t made it worse.”

“Why would they believe such a thing without reason?”

Medic exhaled.

“Because, in Villain’s mind, they do have reason. They have a child’s understanding of medicine. They are sick, and they are under my care and taking my medicines, and thus, in their mind, one of these things has caused the other.”

Counselor cast their gaze downwards, focusing on the way their milk danced its way through the black beverage before them. It was a reasonable explanation. Maybe. They may not have trusted Medic, but they trusted Medic’s abilities as a doctor.

Could Villain really be wrong?

“If they’re wrong...” Counselor began again. “Then what is making them sick? Their incident with hypothermia was weeks ago, now. It can’t still be that?”

“I doubt the two are connected. If this was all a matter of post-hypothermic reactions, then we wouldn’t be seeing these kinds of symptoms.”

“What is it, then?”

Medic bit their bottom lip.

“That’s the problem. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? They’ve been in your care for... well over a week, now.”

“You think I don’t know that? If you haven’t noticed, I’m the world’s leading expert on Enhanced biology. Not to mention, y’know, an experienced doctor for normal humans. Whatever this is, it’s not a normal sickness. I’ve done every test I can think of.”

“And... it’s getting worse, isn’t it?”

“Not as badly as you might be fearing. Their weakness is worsening, yes, as is their general mental state. But their vitals are fine. They’re not in serious danger of anything, so long as they don’t hurt themself.”

“You think they’d do that?”

“Given just how bad their confusion has been getting? I’m already putting preventative measures in place.”

“Oh.”

Medic raised a brow.

“You thought I restrained them for no reason? I’m not Leader. There are medical regulations about this sort of thing.”

“They’ve been hurting themself?”

“Not what you may be thinking of. But with how bad their weakness has grown, they can’t exactly stand up without aid, at the current moment. Forget walking. Unfortunately, they don’t seem to have realized this.”

“They’ve fallen?”

“A few times, yes. If that is all, I was really just starting to enjoy my day off, so-”

“Wait.” Counselor shook their head. “People don’t get sick for no reason.”

“Congrats, you know a basic medical fact.”

“You know what I mean. You’re the smartest person I know. You must have, I don’t know, a theory? A hypothesis? Anything?”

Medic blinked, placing down their cup.

“I do. Though right now, I have no way of proving it.”

“What is it?”

“Villain has what we call... psionic powers. Powers that affect only a person’s brain, but not their physical body. It’s the rarest type of power, oftentimes because something you can’t see is often something you can’t detect. Thus, this group of powers is poorly understood, to say the least. But I’m sure you know what power fatigue looks like for other Enhanced.”

“Like when Hero broke their leg?” Counselor guessed.

“Yes. The simple act of overexerting ones powers, even without outside injury, can cause physical injuries like that to develop.”

“You think Villain’s having power fatigue?”

“It’s my best guess. It would check all the boxes. An undetectable illness affecting the brain, but nothing else. A never before seen condition.”

“But... is it something you can cure?”

“I can’t cure tiredness.” Medic shook their head. “That’s really not how it works. I can do my best to counteract the symptoms, but so long as the source is still there, I’d be fighting uphill.”

“Then what can you do?”

“I can remove the source.” The tiniest smirk crept onto the doctor’s countenance. “Power fatigue is caused not by using ones powers, but using them in a way that the body cannot handle. At least, as far as we can tell. If Villain can control their powers enough, their symptoms should go away.”

“You really think so?”

“I hesitate to guarantee anything. Not with how poorly understood the condition is.” That smirk fell, replaced by Medic’s resting expression of annoyance. “But training them to use their powers properly is the only way I can see them getting any better.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m sure. I’m also sure that I would really like to go back to my quarters. If you’re done bothering me?”

Counselor bit their tongue.

“Fine.”

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Counselor had momentarily considered returning to their own quarters, but had quickly decided against it, instead turning to the kitchen. They had yet to eat that morning, as had Villain. They figured that a warm meal might help them shake off the sedatives.

And, maybe, some food would make Counselor’s own stomach stop twisting.

They only made it halfway to the kitchen, however, when in the hallway, they nearly slammed into Hero. The two both yelped, and a slosh of Counselor’s coffee slopped to the floor.

“Shit, sorry, are you okay?” Hero asked. There was considerable nerve in their voice.

Counselor nodded. “You just started me, ‘s all.” They glanced down at the spilling coffee now sitting on the tile floor. “I’ll, uh, get that later. I was just heading to the kitchen.”

“Oh. Um, could it wait?”

“I need to bring Villain something to eat.”

“Can it wait?”

“What-”

Counselor’s gaze drifted to Hero’s twitching hand.

“You have something?”

“Mhm. I don’t think it’s going to take very long.”

“Can I see?”

“Not here. Not with everyone else around.”

Counselor raised their brows quizzically, but nodded.

“To your quarters, then?”

“I guess that’s as good of a place as any.”

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As soon as Counselor was out of sight, Medic changed their trajectory.

The musty air that filled their lab acted on them like a drug, sending a calm shiver down their spine. If they had the day off (or if they were being forced to take it off), there was no way they were going to spend that precious little free time moping in their quarters. Not when they could be here.

They sat, the memory foam of their desk chair still molded to their form. The laptop before them booted up with a familiar chirp and bright pink screensaver, written upon in white text:

“Property of Organization. Unauthorized Use Is Unlawful.” 

The grainy selection of videos blinked before them, and they selected the next one in the series. Even if they didn’t have access to their Asset at the current moment, they could at the very least work ahead.

The screen fizzled to life in all its low-definition glory, displaying a familiar room, its walls plastered with protective black rubber, and its tile floor made of the same material.

The presenter wore a bandage on their face, covering the side of their jaw. The gauze warped as they smiled, but they seemed to make no note of it.

Beside them, the presenter’s own Asset stood. The muzzle around their face had been modified, its metal warped as to compress its wearer’s jaw, to the point that even breathing was an impossibility.

Extreme, perhaps, but based on the Asset’s behavior, it was warranted.

Though their movements were weak and unbalanced, they were persistent, not ceasing yanking against their leash for the slightest moment. This time, unlike before, the presenter seemed to be paying attention to them, though they did not seem worried.

“It has been some time since we last spoke.” They began. “I apologize for the delay, but, hopefully, it will not happen again. After all, training our Assets is a full time job.”

A smile. Cheerful, stretching their cheeks.

“Unfortunately, I must report that the recent delay we experienced was as a result of my own Asset lashing out. This was unfortunate, but it made me realize that there is a flaw in my training methods. A flaw I seek to instruct you, today, on how to remedy.

One advantage we trainers have is that we have 24/7 access to our Assets. As we take care of them, we can choose to meet their needs in whatever way we see fit.

Deprivation has always been a part of Asset training, since we pioneered our methods. But it was something I, unfortunately and unwisely, neglected. And I have done you all a disservice by not mentioning it to you.

In order for training to truly take effect, there must be room in an Asset’s mind for it to fit. A reason for them to follow. Fear, certainly, is this reason, but there are other aspects to control.

Following my Asset’s incident, we have been working using these methods of deprivation. Depriving your Asset of things such as nutrients, water, and sleep can significantly speed up and solidify your training. In this lesson, we will go over this, and how it can help you improve your training methods.”

The presenter’s smile was matched by their Asset’s wicked snarl. From the corners of their mouth, licks of flame emerged, just for the slightest moment.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 

Hero handled the flash drive as though it were a bomb.

Perhaps it was, if the writing on the device was at all to be believed. Scrawled on in sharpie, a hastily written yet well received warning.

“Property of Organization. Unauthorized Use Is Unlawful.” 

As if Organization cared about the law.

Hero seated themself in their office chair, leaving Counselor to sit a few feet back, on their bed. They almost flinched, plugging the flashdrive into their laptop.

For a moment, the computer hummed, before it reported chipperly that new files had been added.

“Uh, Hero?”

“Yeah?”

“Where did you get this thing?”

“Leader gave it to me.”

“Did they say what it was.”

Hero shook their head. “That’s what we’re about to find out.”

Still moving terribly nervously, Hero opened the folder that the computer had created for these ‘new files.’

“It’s... videos.”

“Videos?”

“A couple of them, yeah.”

“Should we... play them?”

“I don’t- I don’t know. I mean, if Organization is involved, I’m not sure I want to know what’s on them.”

“It could help Villain.”

Hero sighed, dipping their head.

“I hate when you’re right.”

With deft fingers, they selected the first video.

It had been so long, since any of them had seen Traitor. More than that, it had been so long since any of them had seen Traitor smile.

And yet, that was what they were doing. Grinning, ear to ear, eyes locked upon the camera.

“Hello, everyone, and welcome to the second edition of the Asset Training Video Course. If you are confused, the first edition of this series was, unfortunately, cut short due to... an incident. We will all miss our last presenter, but that does not mean that our duties can be shirked.”

Traitor turned, looking offscreen, calling:

“Veni huc.”

The language the words were in was clearly not English, but the person who moved on-screen did not seem concerned by that fact.

Villain smiled as well, though their warm gaze had an inquisitive quality to it as they regarded the camera. A chain-link collar was arranged about their neck, but it was attached to nothing, and seemed to more or less hang limply.

“For this series, I will be demonstrating all you need to know about Asset training. This, here, is my own Asset, Cadet. As you can tell, they are very well trained, if I do say so myself. They will be helping me show you how to train your own assigned Asset.”

Traitor’s hand reached for Villain, who did not flinch a moment. Their hand ruffled Villain’s hair affectionately.

Villain smiled, and leaned into the touch.

[mochegato]

Hope on Board

Chapter 14 – There’s a New Oracle in Gotham

Chapter 1     Chapter 13

“Are you nervous?” Dick asked as he and Marinette waited for the doctor.

“No,” she said a little too calmly.  Dick raised an eyebrow at her.  “Terrified is not the same thing as nervous,” she answered back refusing to look at him.

Dick chuckled lightly and pulled her into his chest, nuzzling into her to calm both of them.  “I’m scared too,” he whispered.

Marinette shook her head violently into his shoulder, tears starting to well up in her eyes.  “What if something’s wrong?  What if I’m doing something that is hurting the baby?  What if it’s just my body hurting the baby and I can never have children? What if the baby needs surgery? What if…”

Dick interrupted her increasingly panicked rambling. “Hey, hey.  It’ll be okay.” He hooked his finger under her chin to encourage her to look up to meet his eyes.  “It will be okay.  The doctor said she wasn’t worried, she just wanted to know what was going on.”  His voice was calm and filled with concern for her. “We will know more in just a little bit and we’re going to get to see our baby for the first time!”

She gave him a weak smile.  “Yeah, that will be really nice.  I’m really excited to see him or her.”  She buried her head back in his chest, taking comfort in the feel of his arms around her.  “Sorry.”

She could feel Dick shaking his head as it rested on hers.  “It’s okay. I understand.  I’m scared to, but really excited to see our Little Bird.”

“Bird?” She asked with an amused smile.  “I think Adrien has decided the baby is a kitten.”

“My Mom always called me her Little Bird,” he answered nostalgically.  Close to the truth.  She called him her Robin, but he couldn’t say that.

Marinette smiled warmly at him.  “Little Bird.  I like that. Good theme for a nursery too.”

Dick chuckled.  “You’re already thinking about the nursery?”

Marinette rolled her eyes and pulled him onto a waiting room couch with her.  “I’ve been thinking about the nursery since I found out I was pregnant.”

“Marinette Dupain-Cheng?”  They heard called out from the door to the back offices.

“Here,” Marinette called standing up.  She laced her fingers with Dick’s and squeezed.  He gave her a supportive smile and kissed her temple.

The technician smiled kindly at them.  “Good afternoon.  My name is Julie.  How are you feeling today?”

“Nervous,” Marinette answered honestly.

“I thought you weren’t nervous,” Dick whispered in her ear with a smirk, trying to get her to smile again and succeeding.

Julie nodded and gave her an understanding look. “That is pretty normal.  This is your first time seeing the baby, right?” Marinette nodded mutely.  “That is incredibly exciting and nerve wracking. It was for me.  Here’s our room.  Please get up on the bed and lay back.  I’m going to need you to lower your pants just a bit for me.”

Marinette took a deep breath and sat on the table bed. She looked over to Dick nervously. Despite knowing everything was probably okay, she couldn’t stop her mind from running through all the terrible options. Anxiety and hormones had taken charge of her brain and she couldn’t slow it down or stop it.  The spiral was now in control, centrifugal force keeping her from escaping but then suddenly it stopped.  

She looked over to find Dick holding her hand, cradling it to his chest.  His other hand was on her cheek, gently brushing it with his thumb.  His smile was soft and reassuring.  He was there and he wasn’t going anywhere.  Whatever happened, she wouldn’t have to face it alone. He would be there with her, holding her hand when she needed a reminder and carrying her when she couldn’t walk on her own.  She smiled at him and squeezed his hand.  She turned back to Julie as she finished getting everything ready.

Julie brought out a small disposable sheet and tucked it into Marinette’s pants.  “This should help keep them clean,” she informed them quietly.  “Okay now the gel.  It’s heated so you don’t have to deal with cold gel.  That was never fun for me.”

Marinette nodded and focused on breathing evenly while they waited for the screen to light up with something.  As soon as Julie put the wand on her belly, they saw an image appear on screen.  Marinette narrowed her eyes to focus on the image.  Julie finally stopped moving the wand around after a few seconds. Marinette cocked her head to the side to try to make out the image… nope.  She cocked her head to the other side.  Nothing about the stark black and white image made sense.

She looked over at Dick to see if he could make anything out and laughed.  His head was moving from side to side like hers had, but he was moving faster than she had.  “What?” he laughed back at her.  “I’m sure it makes sense, I just need to figure out the right angle.”

“Oh, sorry.  That’s on me,” Julie assured them.  “I’m just taking some measurements first.”  After a few clicks she moved the wand to a new position.  “Huh.”

“Huh?  What huh?” Marinette’s head whipped back to the screen to see if she could figure out what Julie was seeing.  “Something wrong with the baby?”

Julie smiled widely.  “No, not as far as I can tell anyway.  I’m not seeing anything of concern… with either one.”

“Either?” Dick’s voice cracked as he repeated the word.

Julie moved the wand to a slightly better position and suddenly the image became… ‘very’ wasn’t quite the right word, but more clear. If she squinted, Marinette could make out two little heads and bodies curled up around each other.  “Either,” she repeated.  “Would you like to hear your babies’ heartbeats?”

Marinette nodded in a daze, refusing to remove her eyes from the screen.  Twins. They were going to have twins. They were going to have twins and her parents were half a world away.  Two babies not just one.  She was terrified of not being able to be a good mom to one baby and now there were two. How was she going to support two babies?

Her mind stopped when she heard the distinctive sound of a heartbeat.  It sounded like the heartbeat had an echo, the second heartbeat.  She looked to the edge of the monitor.  There were two numbers there, one for the heartrate of the first baby and one for the heartrate of the second baby.  “They match,” she commented quietly.

“What?” Dick asked giving her a confused look.

“Their heartrates, they match.”  She smiled as tears started gently falling.  “I always wanted a sibling to play with growing up. Our babies are going to have that. And they’re already in sync. They’re already protecting each other.”

Dick smiled and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Two Little Birds.”  

Marinette giggled and pulled him down for a kiss.  She rested her head against his temple watching the monitor change as Julie moved the wand around to take more measurements and pictures of the babies.  “Twins,” she repeated in awe watching the monitor.

“Twins,” Dick repeated happily.

“Did you want to know the gender now?” Julie asked.

“You can tell already?”

“They are in a good position for it otherwise I probably wouldn’t be able to for a few weeks.  You guys are incredibly lucky, this almost never happens this early.”  Julie offered.  Marinette looked over to Dick for his input.  She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as she thought about it. “I could also write it down for you if you prefer.  Or, you will likely have a few more ultrasounds so you can find out then.”

“What do you think?” Dick asked her carefully.

“I think it might help for buying clothes and designing clothes, figuring out what we want to do, picking names, but I don’t know,” she finished uncertainly.  “What do you think?  What do you want to do?”

“I… I want to know,” his voice became confident as he spoke the words.  “I want to know what we are having and what names to pick.”

“Okay,” Marinette squeezed his hand again and turned to Julie.  “We want to know, please.”

“If you’re sure,” she waited for Marinette and Dick to nod before continuing.  “This one,” she indicated the baby on the left, “is a boy.  And this one,” she indicated the baby on the right, “is a girl.”

Dick grinned impossibly wider.  “A little Marinette and a little Dick,” he commented quietly.

“Oh,” Marinette gasped and her face turned to sudden realization.  “Oh, I’m going to kill Jason,” she growled.

“It isn’t his fault,” Dick laughed.

“Don’t you dare defend him.  Yes it is!  He spoke it into existence.  He owes me food and babysitting,” she pouted.  “I’m eating for three because of him.”

“Pretty sure it’s because of us,” Dick commented wryly. He laughed at Marinette’s mock glare and shifted his expression to mock solemnity.  “I will let him know.”

“And Lucius!  I’m not talking to Lucius right now either,” she added on.

“What did Lucius do?”

“He agreed with Jason, the traitor.”

“You really should have expected that when you told him,” Dick shrugged kissing her temple, the grin on his face too wide to wipe off.

“I didn’t tell him.  Tim did,” Marinette corrected.  Dick nodded with a bemused smile rather than say anything.  “How am I going to carry twins?” She suddenly asked in a horrified voice.

“I’m just printing off some shots for you to take with you and show around if you want to.  The doctor will want to speak with you in just a few minutes to discuss what to expect with twins.  I can take you to the next room when you’re ready.  Here’s a towel to wipe off the rest of the gel.  Just knock on the door when you’re ready.” She handed them the ultrasound images and gave them a smile before leaving the room.

Dick took the images and studied them in awe while Marinette cleaned off her stomach.  There were his babies, both of them.  He could just make out their heads and their chests.  He traced the lines of their bodies, a sense of love and protectiveness swelling in him.  A goofy grin on his face.  He knew he was going to freak out about how to manage it later but today, right now, he just wanted to bask in this.  Marinette curled into his embrace and rested her head on his chest looking at the images as well, a contented smile on her face.

<><><><><> 

Dick pulled out his phone while he waited for Marinette to get back from the bathroom and dialed a familiar number, the grin on his face too wide to hide.  “Hey, you might want to avoid Marinette for a little while.”

The other end of the line was silent for a few seconds as all the possible infractions against Marinette were considered, until finally the correct one registered.  “…Holy shit!  No way! You’re kidding,” Jason’s laughter boomed through the phone.  “Congrats, man.”

“Thanks,” Dick grinned.

“Is she actually mad?”  Dick could hear the cringe through the phone.

“Nah.  Scared about how we’re going to manage it, we both are, but not mad.  Happy though.  Excited.  I’m going to have twins, Jay.  I’m going to be a dad.”  Dick couldn’t stop the giggle that escaped his lips.  He was going to have two babies.  He was going to have a family.  He knew he was going to be a father before but actually seeing the baby made it so much more real than just seeing a bump.

“Yeah you are.”

“A boy and a girl.”

“You found out already?”

“Yeah, apparently we were really lucky and they were in the perfect position.”

“Hey!  I called it. Holy shit.  There’s a new Oracle in town, baby.”

Dick laughed bordering on hysterically and ran his hand through his hair.  “You better watch it.  I might tell Barbara you said that.”

“Hey, I already promised to babysit for a few hours a week.  What more do you want?”

“Marinette wants food.”

“Is that Jason?  Tell him I want pizza and cookies today.  I expect more later,” Marinette spoke up loud enough for Jason to hear.

Jason chuckled.  “I’ll bring the pizzas and cookies.  Movie night at your place?”

“How about movie night at the manor instead?” He looked to Marinette to see if she approved.

Marinette nodded.  “Okay.  Then Damian can come if he wants, no pressure, but he knows he’s welcome.”

Dick grinned and pulled her into a hug, kissing her temple. “Spread the word?”

“Seriously?” Jason groaned.  “I’m already providing the food, for apparently everyone.  I’m stealing B’s card.”

“Fine.  I’ll send a text,” Dick agreed.

“And Adrien?” Marinette asked.

“And Adrien,” Dick confirmed.  “The whole family.”  Marinette smiled dazzlingly and curled further into his embrace.

Chapter 15

Tags:

@dickinette-february @demonicbusiness @ichigorose @iloontjeboontje @ladybug-182 @toodaloo-kangaroo @dast218 @golden-promises @trippingovermyfeet @emimar7 @laurcad123

[mrmustachious]

Another Whumptober comes to a close and with it, it’s time to make my obligatory masterpost! Thanks to everyone who read, shared, commented, left kudos, and just generally gave me support this whole month! Whumptober is always something I enjoy doing, but it’s hard work so it’s always nice to know it’s appreciated and that others are enjoying my works just as much as I do. And for a third year in a row, I’m a completionist! Can we make that a forth next year?

Anyway, on with the masterpost. All warnings can be found within each fic. Links beneath the cut.

Day. Theme. Prompts. Summary.

Thunderbirds

1. All Trussed Up and Still Nowhere to Go. “You have to let go”. Virgil couldn't remember what had happened, but he knew one thing for sure. He wasn't going to let anyone hurt his brother.

2. Talking is Overrated. Choking. He was running out of time.

4. Trust Fall. “Do you trust me?”, Pushed. One idiotic mistake on behalf of the enemy means that Gordon is forced to work with someone he'd rather stay away from.

5. I’ve Got Red in My Ledger. Betrayal. What was supposed to be a fun date soon turns into something much more dire.

7. My Spidey-Sense is Tingling. Helplessness, Numbness. A rescue involving a chemical spill soon leads to some unexpected consequences.

8. Coughing Up a Lung. “Definitely just a cold”. Gordon woke up this morning suffering from a cold. At least, he thought it was just a cold...

9. Rumours of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated. Presumed dead, Tears. They knew that in this dangerous world, there was a chance that one day they wouldn't all make it back alive. They just hoped that would never happen. Zombie Apocalypse AU.

10. Oops, I Did it Again. Hospital, Flare-up, Ice chips. Gordon knew that pushing himself during his recovery would only make things worse. That didn't stop him from doing it anyway.

11. Just Keep Swimming. Adrift, Drowning. A nice, relaxing day on Tracy Island leads to Gordon discovering something that shouldn't exist.

12. It’ll be Fun, They Said. Made to watch, Begging. A day out on the mainland, just the two of them. What could go wrong?

13. That’s Gonna Leave a Mark. Burns. When Penelope invited him to the opening night of a new musical, Gordon couldn't say no. Not if it meant spending the night with her. Nothing ever goes right with these two.

14. Under Pressure. Crush injuries. Watching a building collapse onto his little brother's head was not what Virgil had in mind for today.

16. On a Need to Know Basis. Recovery, Scars, Aftermath. A year has passed since the hydrofoil accident, and Gordon reflects on his recovery and all that has happened since the day that changed his life.

17. Field Care 101. Hemorrhage, Dread. It's Halloween and Alan has had a great idea at how to spend the evening: sneak out and explore the local haunted house. Oh, and bring Gordon along with him as well.

18. The Doctor is In. “Now smile for the camera”. A little brother taken, a message, and a photo. Will they find him in time?

19. Just a Scratch. Bleeding, Stabbing. They didn't think rescues could get any more dangerous, but they never thought about adding escaped criminals to the mix.

21. That’s Where the Blood’s Supposed to Be. Bleeding through the bandages, Blood-matted hair. A sea quake leads to a concussed brother and Virgil having to pilot a ship that isn't his.

22 + 30. They Made Me Do It + Digging Your Grave. Obsession + Left for dead, Ghosts. Gordon thought that in the years that had passed, he had finally put the Hydrofoil accident behind him. However, the ghosts of his past always found their way back to him.

23. You Break it, You Buy it. Ransom. A brother in exchange for their supplies, and a decision he was left to make to protect his family. When it came to survival, it was your life or theirs. Zombie Apocalypse AU.

25. Hide & Seek. Escape, Hiding. After being captured, Virgil and Gordon know that if they have any chance of surviving, they must find their own way to escape.

26. You Will Go Down With This Ship. Fallen. Gordon decides to take a walk around the island, but he never intended to end up stuck and injured in a hole with a storm looming overhead.

27. I’m Fine. I Prom... Passing out, Collapse. Gordon wasn’t aware he was falling until he crashed into the tiled floor.

29. All Work and No Play. Too weak to move. A freezer seemed like a suitable place to avoid the explosion, until he got locked inside.

31. Hurt & Comfort. Disaster zone, Prisoner. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Spideytorch

3. Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones But... “Who did this to you?”. When Johnny comes home all beaten and bloody, Peter takes it upon himself to patch him up.

Lumine

6. Touch and Go. Bruises, Hunger. It's been a long three weeks for Lumine in that cage.

A Quiet Place

15. Feed a Cold, Starve a Fever. Fever dreams. It had started with just a cold. Or, the events that led up to them being in town that day.

Achievement Hunter

20. Lost & Found. Trunk, Trapped under water. They knew the deal could go wrong, but they didn't prepare for Gavin to get thrown into the trunk of a car.

Tangled the Series

24. One Down Two to Go. Flashback. When a snowstorm hits as Varian is on his way to the castle, he is sent back to a very familiar low moment in his life.

RWBY

28. It’s Not Just in Your Head. Nightmares, Panic. It's not easy for Oscar to forget the events of the past.

[cacoetheswriting]

champagne problems, ch.13

Chapter Thirteen: Happiness is a butterfly: An impromptu “bachelorette” leads to more than you expected. A/N: chapter is titled after this song if you want to listen while reading. Word Count: 1.7k Warnings: swearing, brief talk of heartbreak & breakup/s, alcohol consumption, intoxication, angst, and finally a bit of fluff !!

series masterlist

A/N: i can’t believe after this chapter, there is only two left!! from the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone that’s been reading / liking / commenting / reblogging - it genuinely means the world to me!

-

Loud chatter mixed with drunken laughter carried through the bar, creating the perfect Saturday night atmosphere. The various raucous discussions were accompanied by old jukebox melodies, fighting a battle of who can make more noise - man or machine.

The space carried a stench of sweat, cigarette smoke and spilled drink. While listening to Penelope’s incoherent ramblings, you took a mental note of needing to throw the clothes you were currently wearing into the wash the second you got home. If you were sober enough to do so, that is.

“Okay, okay-” Emily began, still laughing at whatever it was Penelope had just said. “Personally, I think a more important question is who wants another drink?” She glanced between the group of girls who all lifted their empty glasses into the air, cheering loudly.

It was a pretty unanimous decision to still throw you a bachelorette party. The BAU ladies wanted a night out and you were happy to provide them with an excuse - primarily because the months have quickly passed into May and you figured it was finally time to stop wallowing in self-pity.

Penelope invested in a fake engagement ring; “No-one will know the difference and this way we can get free drinks.”. She also arrived with a bag of typical bachelorette knickknacks from the dollar store, plastic tiaras, and bright pink sashays - a ‘BRIDE’ one for you, ‘MAID OF HONOUR’ for herself, and ‘BRIDESMAID’ for the remaining ladies.

When the night started you honestly felt quite silly celebrating something that was no longer happening. You felt like a fraud. Fooling all of these people into thinking you were happy and about to embark on the best journey of your life, when the reality couldn't have been more different.

You were utterly alone and pathetically in love with someone who, you were convinced, didn't love you back.

Penelope volunteered to help Emily with getting the drinks while Tara took the time to go and freshen up in the bathroom.

“Sooo... are you still thinking about leaving the bureau?” JJ asked, sliding into the now empty spot beside you. She placed an elbow on the table to prop her head up as she waited for you to answer.

Her question caught you off guard. Taking the last sip of your current margarita, you furrowed your brows together. “What? I don’t even... what?” 

JJ didn't answer. Instead, she let out a relieved laugh. “I knew Spence was playing with me. And I told him, I told him there was no way, absolutely no wayyy you would ever leave, or even consider leaving.”

“Spencer?” You probed, hopping to make some sense of what she ways saying.

JJ nodded her head, her hand clearly struggling to hold it up. “He came by, gosh... this was shortly after your breakup with Ethan? And he let lit slip that the surgeon had come by his place and told him you were leaving the BAU...” Her voice faded out when she noticed the perplexed look on your face. Even in her inebriated state she could tell you had no idea Ethan and Spencer ever spoke alone. 

“Shit, did I say something wrong?”

“No, I-I... I don't think so? I’m just... confused.” And as the words escaped your lips, a sudden urge overcame you. If it wasn't for the alcohol cursing through your veins right now, perhaps you would have left it alone. Perhaps the feeling would have passed. Instead, however, you sprung up on your feet and hastily grabbed your handbag.

“I have to go.”

JJ immediately sat up. “Go? Go where?”

But you didn’t want to get into it now. No, you had much more pressing matters at hand - at least your drunken mind thought so. You decided to leave the explaining to Penelope and Tara, who reappeared at the table with Emily and a new set of cocktails. You shot them both a knowing look, and before either of them got a chance to protest, you hurried in the direction of the exit.

The ride to your destination was a blur - partially due to your heavy intoxication, and partially due to the adrenaline you were now experiencing. You weren't even sure how you managed to hail a taxi or how the driver understood the address through your muddled breaths. You were simply glad they did.

Your whole body was shaking. You still weren't entirely sure whether what you were doing was a good idea, but it seemed like there was no other option as JJ’s words rang in your ears - “... the surgeon had come by his place and told him you were leaving the BAU...”. What did she mean by that? When did this conversation even happen? You had so many questions circling your brain, you could only hope they'd get answered once you arrived where you were heading.

Once the car stopped and you paid your fair, you managed to exit the vehicle in one piece and stumble, fairly elegantly, to the front door of the apartment block. The stairs proved to be the real enemy of the night as your legs failed to coordinate with the wooden steps. But once you reached your goal, the struggle of getting here didn't seem as important anymore.

With your hand formed into a lousy fist, you knocked and knocked and knocked until the door swung open.

“When was Ethan here?” You asked, not willing to waste any more time.

Spencer stared at you completely dumbfounded. He blinked, unsure at first whether you were really here or if his mind was playing tricks. Truthfully, he’s imagined this happening many times in the last few months - you finding out the truth behind that night. Especially with the context of your voicemail still lingering in the air every time he saw you.

“Fuck.” You breathed, one hand rockily landing on Spencer’s chest. He instantly reached to grab you and hold safely you up in position. Completely unfazed by your sudden closeness, with your free hand, you brought your knee to your back and you loosened the strap of your heel.

Spencer watched you silently, the overpowering whiff of your perfume mixed with alcohol hitting him like a brick. He quickly took note of the plastic tiara in your hair and the sash wrapped around your rather loose outfit. All that went through his head in that moment was how happy he was you got here safe and sound.

“Do you need me to drive you home? Or, ehm, or call you a cab?” Spencer raised a brow as you regained your wobbly stance, your hand still clinging to his sweatshirt as if it was your only lifeline. Which judging by your... condition, it surely was.

You scoffed, unintentionally blowing your loose strands of your hair away from your face. “Don’t be a jerk, don’t call me a taxi.”

The handsome doctor smirked. “A jerk?”

You nodded. “And do not think for a ss-second, you’re getting away with answering my question.”

“I had a feeling you would say that.”

Spencer carefully led you inside the confide of his apartment. With one arm wrapped tightly around your waist, he closed the door behind and guided you toward the couch. You plopped down with a gentle bounce and he couldn't help but chuckle.

“Let me get you some water.” He offered, but you grabbed his arm and using all of the strength you could muster, you pulled him down next to you.

“Answer my question first.” You mumbled while placing your hands on his cheeks and gaping into his hazel eyes. Gosh, he had such pretty eyes.

Spencer swallowed before licking his lips. Your proximity should be making him nervous, but he felt nothing of the sort. Instead, he found himself shuffling in closer.

“Please, Spencer... I need to know.” The plea was gratuitous because deep down you already knew the answer. You just needed him to confirm your suspicions.

As the tears started to form in your eyes, the brunette doctor sighed deeply. Now was his only chance to set the record straight. He might not get another one, in fact he knew if he let you leave tonight without telling you what really happened he'd lose you permanently. Even as a friend.

Now or never, he thought, then proceed to explain.

And you listened. You listened patiently and attentively, letting the waterfall of tears escape and trail mascara down your face. His words were slowly sobering you up. Everything was starting to become clear once again.

Spencer always loved you. He never stopped loving you. He never wanted to end things, he simply did what he thought was the right thing to do. The right thing for you because your happiness was more important to him than his own. He still loved you. He loved you.

By the time Spencer was finished, the alcohol had completely faded from your system. Your arms instantly draped around his neck, and you fell into his comforting embrace. Attaching yourself like a magnet. His hand landed at the back of your head, fingers tangling in your hair. Basking in your warmth. He whispered apologies into your ear, repeating over and over again that he will never let you go again.

You believed him.

When you finally pulled away, the tears had stopped falling. Using his thumb, Spencer gently wiped the lone droplets that remained on your face. There were so many things he wanted to tell you, so many things he wanted to do with you, but at least now he knew he didn't have to rush. The chase was over.

His fingertips traced along your jawline before settling on your chin. The two of you gazed into each other’s eyes, because in this moment you were the only people to exist. The only people to matter.

“Can I kiss you?”

A smile circled your features. “As if you have to ask.”

His mouth brushed against yours with tenderness and care. You melted into him completely, glad he was taking his time because the first touch of his lips on your sent a jolt down your spine. One hand slid from your chin up your cheek, cupping your face, while his other hand graciously moved up and down your arm.

Your lips parted from shocking overwhelming sensation in your body. You hadn't realised just how much you missed his touch, not until his hand traveled from your arm to your neck. His fingertips brushing across, not quite landing in any particular place, as his tongue eagerly slid into your mouth.

Conveyed in his kiss were over a million loving thoughts and conversations previously left unspoken. The pent up tension, built up over the occurrences of these last few months, suddenly exploded. In the moment, in this kiss, you were both your pure selves.

He was yours, and you were his.

Forever.

Do you want me or do you not? I heard one thing, now I'm hearing another

-

A/N: as always i’d love to hear your feedback! if you would like to be added to a taglist, please let me know. thank you for your continuous support. with love, mal. x

masterlist | series masterlist | series playlist

story taglist: @girloncorneliastreet, @haylaansmi, @rexorangecouny, @l0ve-0f-my-life, @obsssedwithjustaboutanything, @aperrywilliams, @sassy-hades, @rainsong01, @reverdevivre, @dracomikaelson, @softieekayy, @lunaofcrows, @andrewhoezierbyrne​, @blameitonthenight21, @lyl-26, @do-yr-research, @nazifa94, @stepsofthefbi, @chatterbug2-0, @calm-and-doctor, @halseysunset, @ellesgreenaway, @chipot-lol​

tags not working: @radtwinkie

[melanielocke]

Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 13

AO3

Taglist: @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite

Cordelia and Lucie carried the Lightwood’s bag of groceries with them as they walked back to the manor. Sophie had promised she would cook for everyone, as Cordelia and Lucie had to be exhausted after such a day, and Gideon had promised they would all have a free evening and wouldn’t need to help beyond carrying the groceries.

Cordelia wasn’t sure free evenings existed though, not with everything going on. A werewolf of all things. Her father had killed one once. It had been one of Cordelia’s favorite stories, of the werewolf in the forest in Dartmoor. But as far as she knew werewolves were extremely rare nowadays. She wondered who the beast had been before. Werewolves were born human. Those kind of creatures had always seemed the scariest to her, those who had been human once. Some transformed out of their own free will, sometimes it was a cruel joke by another entity. No one knew exactly why Benedict Lightwood had turned into a giant worm either, though they all suspected it was a part repaying his debt, something he must not have anticipated. It made Cordelia wonder, had he willingly signed over the life of his wife, her soul even? And his grandson too? Or had that been an accident? Cordelia wasn’t sure if it could have been accidental.

Perhaps a grandson had been abstract at the time, like the fairytales of someone offering up a firstborn, because he didn’t have any grandchildren when he offered one’s life. Benedict died before Gideon and Sophie had had their first child. But a wife?

Lucie was still holding the dagger Cordelia had given her. She’d clutched at it, and Cordelia hoped she would have stabbed the wolf had it come too close, but it wasn’t silver. It wouldn’t have worked. Still, Cordelia was far more comfortable with Lucie carrying a dagger over nothing. She would have to ask Alastair though. Considering the emergency, Cordelia had figured she could borrow it, but Alastair wouldn’t appreciate Lucie holding onto his dagger without asking him. He could be possessive of his collection, and would probably have his own ideas of which one he was willing to lend to Lucie.

They entered the manor and delivered the food to the kitchen, where Tessa had started cutting up some onions and garlic.

‘Hey there Jessamine,’ Lucie said.

She listened for a while. Cordelia found it frustrating sometimes, to be present for Lucie’s conversations with ghosts while missing half the conversation. Her eyes lit up.

‘I knew it,’ she said. ‘No, it isn’t scandalous. This is the twenty first century, Jess.’

Cordelia wondered what Jessamine thought was scandalous but her question was answered when the two of them entered the living room. Alastair, shirtless and his shoulder bandaged, was sitting in Thomas’ lap, the two of them locked in a passionate embrace.

She cleared her throat, to make their presence known and Thomas quickly let go of Alastair, who wrapped the Lilo and Stitch blanket around himself again to hide his bare chest. Cordelia was just going to assume he was shirtless because of his injury. His shoulder was bandaged, at least, and Cordelia didn’t think her brother was the type to start taking his clothes off somewhere other people might come in.

Lucie entered the living room, a smile on her face. ‘I knew this would work out. You can thank me now.’

Alastair frowned. ‘For what?’

‘Thomas was far too scared to ask you to spend time with him, so I figured I’d give him no other choice,’ Lucie explained.

Thomas turned a deep shade of red. He blushed a lot, Cordelia noticed, and often when he was in Alastair’s presence. She wondered how she’d missed his affection. It was obvious now.

‘Yes, that’s true,’ Thomas admitted. ‘Thank you for your encouragement, Lu.’

‘There’s blood on your skirt,’ Alastair told Lucie. ‘Perhaps you should wash it before you can’t remove the stain anymore.’

Lucie looked horrified at her own skirt and disappeared upstairs. Alastair leaned back into Thomas, wincing in pain. His shoulder had to hurt, right? Cordelia suspected he was downplaying the injury, but he seemed at peace so close to Thomas.

Another pair of footsteps entered the living room. Gideon and Sophie both stared at their son, who was sitting too close to Alastair for it to be considered friendly. Thomas smiled awkwardly, both his cheeks and ears a bright red.

‘Oh, hey. I’d been meaning to tell you, but I’m gay.’

Gideon walked over to his son, and pulled him into a hug. This kind of affection from a father to his son still surprised Cordelia, and she realized her father had never been like that. At times he could be affectionate, more so than Alastair or her mother who both struggled with showing people how they felt, but it had always been about him and what he needed from her. Her father had never been like Gideon was now, gentle and caring, reassuring his son that he loved him.

‘I’m so proud of you. Make him happy, alright?’

Cordelia knew Alastair had been spending a lot of time with Gideon lately, mostly for the memories, but from what Gideon said, Cordelia suspected he cared about Alastair as well. Had Alastair opened up to him a bit? She hoped so. She knew Alastair struggled opening up to her, she knew he still had this idea that he needed to protect her from their father, that telling her just how much he’d broken Alastair’s heart would break hers too. Perhaps with Gideon, he had an adult he could trust. Someone, who perhaps, understood his situation a bit better than most.

Cordelia walked over to her brother. He looked adorable, wrapped up in the Lilo and Stitch blanket, innocent and peaceful in a way she hadn’t seen him in a long time.

‘I’m so happy for you, dâdâsh,’ she said.

‘Thank you,’ Alastair said.

‘How is your shoulder?’

‘The painkillers work decently. Tessa thinks I should get a rabies shot soon. Do werewolves have rabies? You can’t become a werewolf from scratches, can you?’

‘No, nor do bites transform people despite popular myth,’ Cordelia said. ‘You’re going to be fine. I’m not so sure about rabies, getting a shot couldn’t hurt.’ She paused. ‘You’re not scared of needles right?’

‘No, it’s more that I am currently unmotivated to get up from this couch, much less travel to a hospital. Besides, Tessa used to be an ER doctor, she knows what she’s doing.’

Alastair grabbed his shirt from the ground. It was bloody and torn and Cordelia didn’t think putting it back on was a good idea. ‘I can’t really wear this, can I?’

‘I can get you something else if you want,’ Cordelia said.

She wasn’t sure Alastair would allow her into his bedroom when he wasn’t there. Sharing a room the past month at Risa’s apartment had been difficult for both of them considering how obsessively he kept everything neat and clean. Not to mention Alastair’s frequent nightmares which kept her up too, and the general lack of personal space. Cordelia wasn’t yet sure what they would do after the summer.

‘Sure. Shirts are on the left side of the closet. Just pick the one on top.’

Cordelia followed his instructions, careful not to disturb anything. The past month while sharing a room they’d fought over made up beds (Cordelia didn’t see the point, at night she’d be sleeping there anyway), cookie crumbs on the floor (Alastair had ultimately forbidden her from eating in the bedroom, admittedly he had a point there) and Alastair losing his stuffed hedgehog (it had fallen under his bed but he’d been convinced she’d touched it). She loved her brother but she hoped she’d never have to share a bedroom with him again.

She found a shirt, a black short sleeved blouse, and figured it would do. Most of Alastair’s wardrobe was black, with some brown, dark purple and grey here and there. She returned downstairs and handed Alastair the shirt. He put it on, and retreated back underneath the Lilo and Stitch blanket, cuddled close against Thomas.

‘You look very cute,’ Cordelia told her brother.

Alastair made an annoyed sound.

‘It’s true,’ she added. ‘I should get you a nice Disney themed blanket for your birthday.’

Dinner was a bit uncomfortable. Lucie’s and Thomas’ parents were both upset, even if it wasn’t their fault the woods were playing tricks on them. What was going on there? Cordelia had been there just in time to rescue them from that werewolf. Was it there because of Thomas?

‘I don’t think you two should be going for walks into the woods again,’ Gideon said.

Cordelia agreed with him, but it worried her too. Alastair had a habit of taking long walks as a coping method, it was something he’d done for several years and helped him calm down. She wasn’t sure what feeling trapped would do to him. She would keep a close eye on him. She knew Alastair didn’t always know what to do with her protecting him, he was so used to being the older brother, to keeping her safe at all times. It was her turn to protect him now, and she would.

Lucie came downstairs a little late for dinner, announcing she’d gotten the stain out her skirt but it was drying now. She had changed into a purple summer dress with a tie around her waist and a wide, flowy skirt reaching just above her knees. She looked beautiful. Lucie had a fondness for dresses, she claimed they were more comfortable and she hated the feeling of tight jeans.

Cordelia had also seen her in oversized sweatshirts that she must have stolen from Thomas considering how big they were. Lucie managed to make even that work. Some people were lucky, she guessed, and could look good in anything. Cordelia always struggled to find clothes she liked on her body and that fit her well. She’d never been the type to steal hoodies from her brother or male friends. Not only would Alastair not appreciate her stealing his clothes, but she’d just feel ridiculous. Cordelia preferred to have her clothes tied in at the waist, emphasizing her shape, without it being too revealing. Oversized shirts made her feel huge whereas more fitted clothes often weren’t made to fit her body type or drew more attention to her chest than she liked. After years of either being overly sexualized for her big breasts and wide hips or shamed for being bigger than other girls her age, Cordelia was still trying to find out what clothes would make her feel comfortable in her body again.

‘That goes for you too, Lucie, no more walks in the woods,’ Will said when Lucie sat down and started eating.

‘Wasn’t planning to,’ Lucie said with a mouth full of pasta.

‘I’m not sure staying out of the woods is going to help us,’ Alastair said. ‘We know it’s worse there, but we can’t run. So while I agree we shouldn’t run towards danger unprepared, simply staying here won’t do anything either.’

‘You’re right, Alastair,’ Gideon said. ‘If you don’t mind, I think we should go over what you saw today. Tomorrow, maybe. I think it may point us towards the creature we seek. I called my brother several days ago, and he is doing his own research.’

‘Does he remember anything you don’t?’ Thomas asked. ‘Uncle Gabriel stayed with his father longer than you did, didn’t he?’

‘Yes, but I have been unable to reach him the past few days. It is not unlike Gabriel to not answer his phone for several days, but I am starting to worry.’

After dinner, Thomas, Lucie and Alastair chose to play a video game. Alastair was terrible at it, just like Cordelia, and gave up after a few rounds of Mario Kart, instead going upstairs to his bedroom after kissing Thomas one more time. Alastair had always been a bit of a sore loser, she hadn’t expected him to last that long at the game. Cordelia went after him, hoping they could talk.

‘I’m sorry for taking this dagger without asking,’ Cordelia said, returning the dagger she’d given Lucie. ‘I figured it would be best she had something to defend herself with.’

Alastair tilted his head, taking the dagger back. ‘I understand. But I’m glad this one didn’t get dirty, I am rather fond of it.’

He retreated into his bedroom, and Cordelia waited at the entrance. This was his private space and Alastair didn’t always like it when she entered unannounced. ‘You can come in.’

Cordelia entered Alastair’s bedroom. It hardly looked like anyone was living there, she thought. Where he found the time and the motivation to keep everything so neat, she couldn’t imagine. She sat down in the armchair.

Alastair handed her another dagger. ‘You can give this one to Lucie. It was a gift from Charles. I never knew what to do with it.’

Cordelia imagined he didn’t want to keep such bad memories around, even if it was a beautiful dagger, decorated with small gemstones. She suspected this dagger must have been expensive, but then Charles was rich and he used to have a habit of buying Alastair expensive gifts. She suspected it was another manipulation tactic, by giving Alastair things he liked but could never afford himself he made Alastair feel like he owed Charles something. Perhaps it also made him feel loved and special, to receive something like that.

‘I considered giving it back after we broke up,’ Alastair added. ‘But then I’d have to face him. And this dagger is far too beautiful for him.’

Cordelia laughed. Alastair was right, of course, the dagger was beautiful and Charles didn’t deserve it back.

‘It’s perfect for Lucie, you should give it to her,’ Alastair said.

‘I will. Can I ask you something?’

Alastair sat down in the second armchair, relaxing his posture a little. ‘What did you want to ask?’

‘How did you find out you’re gay?’

Alastair didn’t say anything for a moment. ‘I think I began questioning my sexuality very young, around twelve or thirteen. I started feeling attracted to boys, but with everything else going on and me not fitting in and being bullied at school, I didn’t need something else to set me apart. I tried to deny these feelings, even if I could never quite convince myself I was straight. When Charles told me he was gay, I thought I had someone I could trust and I started working it out. Back then he acted like a mentor figure, someone who could assure me I wasn’t alone and help me figure out what I was feeling. I think it helps, to have an older queer person to talk to, as long as they don’t want to have sex with you.’

Cordelia hadn’t wanted to bring up memories of Charles, but she wanted to know how people discovered these things about themselves, because Cordelia couldn’t seem to figure it out. How did she even recognize if what she was feeling was attraction, or something else?

‘And did you always know how to tell apart romantic attraction and friendship?’ Cordelia asked.

Alastair smiled bitterly. ‘You should know by now, Layla, that I’ve never had friends. But yes, I could tell what I was feeling was romantic attraction. It’s hard not to when you start fantasizing about kissing boys. Why do you ask?’

‘I find it difficult,’ Cordelia admitted. ‘To tell those feelings apart. I guess Lucie did too for some time. I do think I like boys, I liked James at some point. But I’m also not opposed to kissing girls, or dating them. I think, at least. The idea seems rather normal and maybe appealing to me, but I have no clue if that’s normal and I’m just straight or if I actually like girls too.’

‘Maybe you’re bi or pan,’ Alastair said.

‘But how do I know for sure?’ Cordelia asked.

Alastair frowned. ‘I don’t know. When I stopped trying to deny it, it was pretty obvious to me that I’m gay. But there’s no shame in identifying as one thing but later realizing it wasn’t quite right. You could always start with bi or pan and see if it fits. Or you can even go with questioning until you’re sure.’

Cordelia guessed Alastair had a good point. She wasn’t sure which of these two she liked better, or what exactly the difference was, but it was something she could figure out.

‘Was that everything?’ Alastair asked. ‘Despite my day being only half as long as yours, I’m very tired and I want to go to sleep.’

‘I don’t have any more questions. But I’m very happy for you and Thomas. He’s a very sweet guy and you deserve that.’

Alastair smiled a little. ‘Thank you, Layla. I am happy too. I never imagined he’d like me. Or confess to it like he did. It was very sweet.’

‘I hope you will be happy with him. Good night, dâdâsh,’ Cordelia said, kissing his cheek.

She left Alastair in his room and returned downstairs, where Thomas and Lucie were still playing Mario Kart.

‘Is Alastair alright?’ Thomas asked.

‘Yes, just tired,’ Cordelia said. ‘He’s going to sleep.’

‘Oh, then I’m going to speak with him before he’s asleep,’ Thomas said. ‘Good night to both of you, in case I don’t see you anymore.’

Thomas went upstairs, and Lucie shut down her game and went upstairs too, inviting Cordelia along to her bedroom.

‘I gave Alastair his dagger back,’ Cordelia said. ‘He said you can have this one instead.’

Cordelia gave Lucie the dagger, who turned it around in her hand.

‘Are those real jewels? This looks expensive.’

‘It was a gift from Alastair’s ex,’ Cordelia said. ‘Best not to bring it up around him.’

‘Of course,’ Lucie said, putting the dagger on her desk. ‘I’ll have to start practicing with it.’

‘I’ll help you,’ Cordelia promised.

There was a small shelf of books in Lucie’s bedroom. At home, she had much more. Cordelia had always thought her family owned a lot of books, but the Herondale house could be mistaken for a bookstore, and Lucie’s bedroom was no exception. Lucie read a lot of modern YA fantasy novels, and drew inspiration from them. Cordelia borrowed Lucie’s books sometimes, even if her father used to tell her they were childish and not real literature. Lucie’s father was a literature teacher and he didn’t criticize his daughter’s tastes.

‘I’ve been wanting to read this one,’ Cordelia said, picking one of the books on the shelf.

‘You can. Careful with this one though, the spine is a bit fragile.’

Lucie could be obsessive when it came to the condition of her books, and Cordelia had learnt to handle them with care. She treated her books like Alastair treated pretty much everything in his possession.

Cordelia picked up a book. It had a pretty cover with a winged blonde girl holding a sword. A Dark and Hollow Star. Lucie had told her about it, and had finished it this week. She was a fast reader.

Cordelia settled in Lucie’s armchair with the book while Lucie took out her laptop to write. Some might say it wasn’t very social to both engage in different solitary activities together, but Cordelia didn’t mind and she knew Lucie liked having someone around when she was writing.

‘Do you think the third chapter is too soon to introduce the love interest?’ Lucie asked after typing for a while. ‘First chapter is the ball, second chapter she goes home and it ends with her falling asleep. Maybe there should be more before the falling asleep?’

Lucie often asked for advice on her stories, claiming Cordelia was not only her hero but also her muse.

‘Most of the story is set in the dreamland, right?’ Cordelia asked.

‘Yes. I have to work on my descriptions of the surroundings for sure, because much of it will be Eloise traveling through the land, running across various obstacles.’

‘So if you use the first chapter to introduce the family, maybe the evil aunt, then using the third chapter to start her dream sequence and introduce Mabel makes sense.’

Lucie’s eyes lit up. ‘Of course, I’ll introduce the evil aunt at the ball. Eloise will have a conversation with her but won’t recognize her, although meeting her will be rather unsettling. Later she’ll realize who she really was, but for the reader it’ll be enough to hint that the woman is at the very least important.’

Lucie went back to her writing, and Cordelia was glad to be of help. She tried to focus on her book, but kept watching Lucie. She could go into a very deep focus on her work. Lucie absently tugged strands of hair behind her ears. Cordelia loved Lucie’s shorter hair. It reminded her of the 1920s bob style, and Cordelia figured Lucie would look good in the fashion of that time period.

Cordelia slept restlessly that night. She’d trained all her life with cortana, but had never actually killed anything with it. It wasn’t quite what she’d expected and although the fight had been easy with the beast focused on Alastair, she hadn’t felt in control exactly. Fortunately, cortana did not need to be cleaned, since turning it into her necklace and back returned it to its default state. She didn’t feel like scrubbing werewolf blood of it, like Alastair had to do with one of his daggers.

When she woke up in the middle of the night, Cordelia shot up when she noticed a human shaped shadow. Part of her thought, no, it was simply a pile of clothes. But when she turned on the light to make sure, she was wrong. There was a person sitting in her armchair. A blonde girl, the one who’d been following Tatiana around. She was sitting with a straight back, wearing the same white dress Cordelia had seen her in the night Lucie had gone after her. Cordelia grabbed cortana and held it up in defense. What was her name again?

‘Careful there,’ the girl said in a smooth voice that reminded her of the sea. ‘You’ll just hurt yourself with that sword. There’s not a thing I could not make you do.’

‘Why are you here,’ Cordelia hissed.

‘Because I need your help,’ she said. ‘My name is Grace.’

‘What are you doing in my bedroom?’

Grace glared at her. ‘I believe it is polite to introduce yourself. Your name is?’

Cordelia wasn’t sure where Grace had found the nerve to insult her manners when she was the one who’d broken into the house in the middle of the night, but she also wanted to know what Grace wanted.

‘Cordelia Carstairs.’

‘The bearer of cortana,’ Grace said. ‘I have something to ask of you.’

‘You work for Tatiana,’ Cordelia said. ‘Why should I ever help you?’

‘Because if you don’t, you will not stand a chance against her,’ Grace said.

‘What is she doing? What are her plans?’

Grace gestured impatiently. ‘I cannot tell you.’

‘Then why should I trust you, if you won’t even tell me her plans?’

Grace made an annoyed sound. ‘No, I can’t. I cannot tell you what her plans are, or who she works with, because I have been ordered not to. There is not a thing she cannot make me do. And even if your little sword could defeat me… Being killed while I don’t have my skin and I cannot control myself is not what I want for my future, if you don’t mind.’

Cordelia put cortana down and sat down on her bed, facing Grace. What was she? ‘Your skin?’ she asked.

‘There are all sorts of myths of women that roam the seas,’ Grace said. ‘I am sure you know of them.’

Cordelia frowned. ‘Are you a mermaid?’

‘Something like it. The lovely ladies of the sea have become a bit muddled, modern adaptations tend to mash everything a bit together, use elements from one species and combine it with another. So many different myths, and some of us, like me, are somewhat in between.’

‘A siren, then,’ Cordelia guessed. ‘You said you could make me do anything.’

‘Precisely,’ Grace said. ‘Although that is not all. When I enter the sea, I am not a fish. Like many women in these parts, I am half seal. A selkie. What do you know of the selkie, Cordelia Carstairs?’

Cordelia had to think. Grace was right, there were many different myths of mermaids and many cultures had their own stories of the lovely ladies of the sea. Selkie did ring a bell.

‘Selkies are seals, who can transform into unearthly beautiful women when they come to shore,’ Cordelia said.

‘Precisely,’ Grace said. ‘You must have noticed, that I do not much look like a normal sixteen year old girl. Most selkies do not have the voice of a siren like I do, and that is why she wants me. I can make anyone do anything, and she controls me.’

‘How?’ Cordelia asked. ‘How does she control you?’

‘My skin, of course,’ Grace said with another impatient wave of her hand. ‘When I come to shore, I shed my skin, without it I cannot return to the sea. I loved the shore, I always have. I love to come and sing, and I was careless. Tatiana stole my skin and used a spell on it to bind me to her. She keeps my skin locked somewhere, hidden deep in the forest in the land in between. I do not know where it is, nor can I stray from her for long. So that’s why I’m asking you, champion of cortana. Find my skin and return it to me. I shall be free, and I shall tell you everything I know of Tatiana. But if you fail, there’s nothing I can do for you, I will have no choice to obey Tatiana when she asks me to destroy you.’

Cordelia frowned. ‘What is the land inbetween?’

‘I cannot explain it to you,’ Grace said. ‘It is tied too closely to Tatiana’s secrets. But you’ve been there today. When we found out who slayed that werewolf, I knew you were the one I should ask for help.’

‘And when I find your skin, what then?’

Grace handed her a seashell. ‘Crush this shell and I will come for you,’ she said. ‘But be careful. If you do not have my skin when you do, I cannot say what I will do to you.’

[melodypond-thewomanwhomarriedme]

"It's okay, I couldn't sleep anyway." for 13/river? thanks!

The Doctor sat up from bed, turning on her side to look at River. Finding each other again was such amazing luck on the Doctor’s end - after watching Gallifrey burn yet again, after the Master, after the Cybermen and Time Lords merged into one as the most destructive race in existence, after discovering the mind-boggling truth of how she came to be - she wanted nothing more than to rush into the arms of someone, anyone who knew who she was. 

The universe had compromised, it seemed, and given her River; the one person who knew her better than anyone - even herself. 

It was with tearful kisses and extra-tight embraces that they greeted each other again. Their reunion was nothing but blissful serendipity, hour after hour spent laying in each other’s arms and exchanging sweet, hungry kisses every time their lips met until they fell asleep.

But now the Doctor was awake. She could not help but feel so grateful to River for being here - for showing up just when she needed her. Of course she would; she was clever and she always knew when the Doctor needed her. She just wished that she could enjoy this undeserving miracle that came out of nowhere.

But her dreams were full of those mutant Cybermen and Gallifrey on fire; her being trapped in the matrix and using memories of herself to break out. She wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around River and stay curled up in their bed until the universe ended and turned to dust - she could not contemplate ever stepping outside the Tardis feeling how she does right now.

“Sweetie?” came River’s quiet voice, filled with sleep and confusion.

The Doctor took a moment to shut her eyes and savour the feeling that came over her at the sound of her wife’s voice. She’d almost forgotten just how much of her wife she missed - the way her hair was simply everywhere as they slept, the way she crinkled her nose as she snored, the way she curled into her in her sleep, the way her voice sounded particularly sexy when she woke up. 

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” the Doctor responded quietly, turning back to her and smiling fondly. “Go back to sleep, sweetheart.”

But River frowned, blinking blearily as the Doctor stared at her. That was another thing she almost forgot - how goddamn adorable she looked when she was still waking up.

She sat up and reached out for the Doctor’s shoulder, her hand curving to accommodate the Doctor’s small size. “It’s okay. I couldn’t sleep anyway,” she lied, and when the Doctor gave her a disbelieving look she rolled her eyes and conceded. “Alright, I just want to feel you next to me while I sleep. Is that a crime?”

“No,” the Doctor grinned at her wife. “That is perfectly fine.”

“Good.” River nodded, though her lips turned into a small smile at the look on the Doctor’s face. She raised her hand and cupped the Doctor’s cheek, her finger lightly tracing under her eye. River’s smile turned fond and reverent as she looked at the Doctor. “What’s bothering you, sweetie?”

The Doctor sighed fondly at River. “You always know, don’t you? Always so clever,” she said, shaking her head as her own hand reached up to circle River’s wrist gently. She pulled her hand down and started tracing Gallifreyan words and symbols across her palm. “I went back to Gallifrey. Remember how I told you it was saved?”

River nodded.

“The Master - he destroyed it. Burned it to dust. When I went there, everything was ruined - only smoke and ash left,” the Doctor said quietly, and River instinctively moved closer towards her on the bed as the Doctor traced the word fire into her hand. “And he said that he discovered the truth about all Time Lords. That we weren’t what we were told - that I wasn’t what I was told.”

“He must have been lying,” said River, frowning and shaking her head. The Doctor wrote the word truth across her palm this time. “He just wanted to cause trouble.”

“That’s what I thought,” the Doctor said wryly, but then she sighed and looked down at River’s hand again, this time tracing the word lies. “But then he proved it to me. He showed me - I’m the Timeless Child, River. I came out of nowhere, dropped from the sky on Gallifrey. I should have died after falling off a cliff but my mum - she found me again, but I was different. With another body. She conducted experiments on me. She spliced my DNA into Gallifreyans and - and -”

“Doctor,” River said in horror. “Doctor, she experimented on you?”

“I don’t remember it,” the Doctor shook her head. In River’s palm, she traced memories. “I don’t remember anything. I was used by the Time Lords. I - I had whole other lives I don’t remember, River. Lives I lived, people I met - and each time they simply reset the clock so I would forget it.”

“Sweetie,” River whispered emphatically, her voice shaking. “Sweetie, I am so, so sorry.”

“I don’t know who I am, River.” the Doctor whispered to her. She looked up at her wife and saw tears in her eyes. Her own vision was clouded by tears too and she sniffed, grasping River’s hand. “I wanted to find you. I thought... if anyone knew who I was it would be you.” 

River smiled softly at her, squeezing her hand in comfort. “Of course, darling. You’re the best person I’ve ever known,” she said softly, lifting their hands to press a wet kiss to the back of the Doctor’s hand. “You are great and kind and you save so many - you’ve helped so many. You are more than the DNA they stole from you, my love. You are good. And good people - they’re hard to come by.”

The Doctor let out a shaky breath as she looked at her wife, staring until her eyes burned with tears that fell. She bowed her head and pressed their hands to her chest, feeling more thankful than ever that River was back again. She cried into her hand for a few moments before lifting her head and looking at River, who watched her with the most loving, tender expression on her face.

“I love you, River Song,” the Doctor whispered hoarsely, her eyes rimmed red as she stared up at her wife with eyes that expressed just how devoted she felt to her. Affection gushed up inside her for her wife and she knew that only River could give her that kind of assurance with merely a few words; she would only accept that from River. “I’m so, so happy you’re back.”

She pulled away from her hands and traced the word home into her palm. River smiled faintly, her eyes still full of tears as she stared at the blatant adoration and affection that the Doctor so readily displayed for her. 

“Home,” the Doctor whispered. “It finally feels like home with you here.”