#the excuses are lame too like what the fuck does ‘you microwave the food better’ mean

[globby]

My bf started playing baldurs gate 3 and has been treating me like garbage for the past week. Like not cooking or cleaning anything and asking me to do everything even though I’ve been trying to put together job applications and work on my research. Just got snapped at to get out of the chair and move it in front of the tv so he can charge his controller and still play. I was putting my laptop down and he said it again louder while just standing there facing the tv, no please or anything like just an impatient tone… Like he’s acting like a comically accurate video game loser the way he’s telling me to make his food and it’s just jarring and I’m tired of being treated subhuman

[yoonpobs]

bad boy good thing ix.

pairing: jeon jungkook x oc

genre: angst, smut, fluff, miscommunication (we hate her lol), pining

warnings: smut, jungkook is really an asshole, the angst hurts a lot tbh, unhealthy relationships (?)

words: 3, 844

summary: a series of drabbles where you're confused and jungkook's confusing

Jungkook recognises that it’s, to a fault, extremely unhealthy for him to pretend like his problems don’t exist and bury them under a blanket of social interactions that were meaningless to him and excessively working out at the gym so he could get his mind off things.

Granted, it was always how Jungkook dealt with things and he was a creature of habit. He was stubborn and irrational at most times, and usually pretending like his problems didn’t exist did him relatively well. Because like most things in life, problems passed and if people were his problem then he’d just not talk to them. Simple, really. Jungkook had it figured out right to the o.

Well, until he realised that a huge chunk of his problems, though irrationally, was working out right beside him.

“You almost done?” Namjoon grunts, finishing his last rep as he drops the weight to the ground as it sounds through the empty gym.

Only because Namjoon and Jungkook were the only people that were crazy enough to work out at eleven o'clock on a school night. But realistically speaking, Jungkook only asked the football group out of formalities and did not expect his own captain to have responded.

Maybe because you’re too busy hanging out with _____, came Jungkook’s bitter thought. But surprise, Namjoon was very much sweaty and engaged in the workout session that has Jungkook’s head spinning.

“Yeah.” Jungkook huffs, dropping his own weight before he dabs the hem of his tank top to his forehead to catch the bead of sweat before it drops.

Namjoon walks over to pick up his own bottle and toss Jungkook his own before he chugs the liquid in one go.

Jungkook has half the mind to be a petty motherfucker and rejects it but he was way too parched to deny the tempting object. Besides, he could pretend like Namjoon wasn’t the bulk of his many problems. Even if he knew Namjoon was unsuspecting of everything, it was easier to blame him for the fact that you weren’t keen on hanging out with him than himself.

“The circuit today was intense.” Namjoon points out, shooting a raised eyebrow expression in Jungkook’s direction. “You nearly killed me, man.” He finishes with a teasing tone.

Jungkook huffs dryly, “Maybe that’s a sign for you to work out more.”

He’s being bitter, he knows that. Because Namjoon was huge and hit the gym as frequently as Jungkook did.

Namjoon, however, is oblivious to this. “Maybe.” And Jungkook hates that he accepts it so easily.

Jungkook’s mind is all over the place and never mind that he’s burnt enough calories to last him his workout quota for the next two weeks, but he has the urge to pry. To ask Namjoon things that he no longer had the privilege to ask you anymore.

But before he can say anything, Namjoon beats him to the first word.

“You and ____ are close right?”

Jungkook pauses, fist tightening around the bottle before he clears his throat. “Um. Kind of.” Because he wasn’t sure anymore, so he settled for that instead you conveyed otherwise to Namjoon. But he knew that you wouldn’t, you weren’t petty like that. “Why do you ask?”

And Jungkook doesn’t like the way that Namjoon looks nervous. Call it his sixth sense, but he just doesn’t like the insinuation behind the way Namjoon fiddles with his fingers.

“Well, you, Jimin and Tae are, right?” Namjoon asks. “And Yena, but I already had this conversation with her anyways.”

“What conversation?” Jungkook immediately asks, eyebrows furrowed.

“I think it’s pretty obvious to most people that I’m into her.” Namjoon snorts, but Jungkook can’t find it in himself to laugh.

“Right.”

“Things have been going well and so far all the hangouts we’ve had were friendly,” Namjoon says with a small smile.

Jungkook doesn’t know what to do with the information he was receiving or why he was even receiving it in the first place. Sure, Namjoon and he were close because they were under the same football team and chemistry between players was definitely a prerequisite when it came to bagging wins.

“That’s nice to hear.” Jungkook grunts.

Namjoon nods absent-mindedly as he plops onto one of the workout benches, swinging a towel over his shoulder. “I told her that I wouldn’t rush into things with her but I really do like her. And I want to ask her out. Officially, that is.”

Jungkook quite literally freezes all his limbs when the words tumble out of Namjoon’s mouth.

“And because you’re important to her, I just wanted to know if you were okay with that? I mean—she has to be okay with it but you’re someone she cares about so your opinion does matter to a certain extent. Either way, I’m going to do it but I thought it was just courteous of me to let you know.”

And damn you for being courteous, Jungkook curses to himself mentally.

“What?” Jungkook croaks because that’s all he can manage.

He’s heard it from Jeonghan, Yugyeom and Jaehyun when it came to locker-room talk but he’s brushed it off because what did they know, right? Even if Yena was heard whispering to Jimin conspiringly, he’d pretended he hadn’t heard a single word just so he could delude himself into thinking that it wasn’t real.

But for Namjoon to directly confirm it to his face, Jungkook feels like he’s been punched in the gut.

“I don’t know, man.” Namjoon sighs, “She’s really something else, you know? I’ve been kind of admiring from afar for a really long time because someone wouldn’t introduce her to me”—he shoots a playful glare to a stone-faced Jungkook who can’t even respond—“and getting to know her personally just really solidified the fact that I really like her.”

Jungkook is a level-headed man, most of the time at least, but there were things that threw him off. Overly salty food, flash mobs, microwaves; but most of the time he was able to recover.

Most. Not all.

“No.”

Namjoon freezes, and so does Jungkook. But for two very different reasons.

“I’m sorry, did you just say no?” Namjoon asks dumbfounded.

Jungkook can’t stop his mouth. “Yeah.” He swallows. Stop talking. “No.”

Namjoon furrows his brows, “Yeah to you saying no or, yeah to literally the context of this conversation?”

Jungkook has never resented Namjoon more than right now, even when he’d made the team run extra laps as a warm-up.

“You can’t.” Jungkook deadpans. “You can’t ask her out.”

And for as long as Jungkook knew Namjoon, he knew that under the calm and collected exterior that he took most of the time because he was the captain of the football team, and diplomacy was necessary. He was petty, and to a certain extent, immature. But he did a far better job and conveying his displeasure compared to Jungkook.

“Okay, and who are you—her dad?” Namjoon scoffs.

Even if it was made explicitly clear by Namjoon that he was doing so out of respect for you, Jungkook still felt the need to defend himself.

“Her friend.” Jungkook snaps. “And you’re my captain. That’s just—weird.”

He knows his excuse is lame, and so does Namjoon.

“Really,” Namjoon says dryly. “That’s your excuse?”

“Not an excuse. Facts.” Jungkook retorts childishly.

Namjoon snorts before raising an eyebrow at Jungkook who is all but making eye contact with him.

“Does this have to do with why you weren’t keen on introducing her to me in the first place when I asked?”

Jungkook nearly drops his water bottle when he swings around, face scandalised in a way that shows that he’s been caught but attempting to deflect.

“What the fuck are you even saying.” He splutters.

Namjoon is as calm as ever, “You tell me, Jungkook. I don’t see a legitimate reason as to why I can’t ask her out.”

Jungkook scoffs, cheeks red. “I told you. It’s weird. What if you guys break up? How’s that going to be for Jimin, Tae and I?”

Namjoon blinks.

“I can be civil.” He shrugs. “The question is, can you?”

Jungkook narrows his eyes into slits as he observes Namjoon. He’s never gotten into any conflicting situations with Namjoon, purely because he never had a reason to. He never knew his captain could be so … retort-inducing, but here he was. Ready to snap back, for a very childish reason he wasn’t ready to unpack just yet.

“Look. How bout’ you think about it a little more?” Jungkook feigns disinterest when he fiddles with his gym bag as if he was looking for something. It was an escape to this conversation. “The two of you just started hanging out and she’s not the type that likes it rushed, anyways.”

“I’m not asking her to marry me, Jungkook.” Namjoon blinks.

Jungkook rolls his eyes, “I know. If you were I think I’d have a stroke.” He mutters. “Thing is, there’s probably a lot of things that you don’t know about her yet so you may as well just … wait.”

His excuses are getting a lot more pathetic by the second, and Namjoon clearly feels the same because he shoots a frown at Jungkook.

“That’s the point of asking her out … to get to know her.” Namjoon drawls slowly, stating the obvious.

Jungkook lets out an exasperated sigh and he wants this conversation to be over because he’s already let out more than what he’d like.

“She’s just not the type …” Jungkook lamely defends.

Namjoon purses his lips. “And that’s coming from you?”

Jungkook glares at Namjoon who doesn’t look like he’s going to back down.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Namjoon rolls his eyes. “It means—you’re not her so you have no right to be assuming shit about her. I don’t care if you’re her best friend or whatever the hell you are to her that makes you think you automatically know what she wants or doesn’t. The reason why I’m telling you all of this is purely out of respect for her, and her only. Frankly—I couldn’t give a rats ass about your opinion on this.”

Jungkook gapes at Namjoon because this is the first time he’s seen him anything less than cool and collected. But perhaps this was why he was always taken so seriously in every context he’s found himself in. Namjoon was diplomatic when he need be, and firm when necessary. This was one of those occasions and Jungkook hates that it’s him on the receiving end under the context of you being the topic of conversation.

“Well—”

“And, if you have something you want to say to her.” Namjoon sighs, throwing his gym bag over his shoulder and levelling a look so serious that it sends a shudder down Jungkook’s spine, “Be honest to her. She doesn’t deserve anything less than that.”

Right before Namjoon turns around to leave, Jungkook has to ask—

“How did you know?”

He doesn’t have to say what, because Namjoon clearly knows what he was talking about. The stiff chuckle he releases is enough to prove that.

“I’m not stupid, Jungkook.” He says. “First it was not introducing us to each other and now it’s the unwarranted possessiveness. It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together.”

Jungkook purses his lips, feeling his blood run cold because if Namjoon knew then …

“So what? You’re going to tell her?” He accuses.

Namjoon scoffs. “Jungkook, I like you. You’re a good friend of mine. I’m not going to fuck you over like that. That’s your own issue to deal with.”

“Sure doesn’t feel like it,” Jungkook mutters dryly.

Namjoon sighs, turning his body to face Jungkook as he offers him a blank expression that he can’t quite read.

“I don’t know about you but I’m not the type to conflate my personal life with my friend's personal life. Sure, we like the same girl—” Jungkook winces, but Namjoon continues anyway. “���but life goes on. I’m a big boy and so are you, right?”

Jungkook tongues the inside of his cheek when Namjoon offers a slight smirk with a raised eyebrow.

“So you’re backing off?”

The slight hopeful tone that Jungkook has is naive, and he knows that. But a selfish part of him just wished that Namjoon would so he could figure out how to solve and fix things between the two of you without the interruption of his own football captain in the mix.

Namjoon snorts, “No way. What did you take me for—a pushover?”

Jungkook gapes, “Then what—?”

“I’m still going to ask her out. Your feelings are your own and it’s not my responsibility to look after them for you.” He shrugs, turning on his heel to leave the gym. His hands are on the knob when he turns around. “She’s single. Nothing’s stopping you or me from doing anything.”

And he leaves, not before he adds: “Don’t be late for training tomorrow. We have circuit training.”

It’s been a week since you’ve last spoken to Jungkook and two weeks since he’s apologised to you at your apartment. You still remember the ghost of his lips, the heat of his hands when he held you close.

You still had moments in between where you were distracted, but there was something oddly compelling about a person you were trying to forget for the time being that haunts your every thought. And you hated yourself for it, for still wondering if he was okay or how he was doing when you were the one that put distance between the two of you.

Maybe that’s why your hand reaches out to your phone, but it’s as if God had sent you a Guardian Angel when a hand grips your wrist.

“I thought we weren’t touching our phones?” Namjoon has a teasing tilt to his voice when he murmurs the words.

You flush, meekly retracting your hand as you send him a playful glare.

“What are you? The exam invigilator?” You scowl.

Namjoon snorts before rubbing a thumb between your furrowed brows. You can’t help but flush harder, pouting at him when all he does is grin at you.

“I’m meant to be the person you’re paying attention to.” He returns, voice husky and you feel yourself grow flustered.

Obviously, because Namjoon was attractive and he told you on occasions that he’d intentionally raised the pitch of his voice because it was way too deep for people to understand.

“Grow up.” You mutter, but your tone is light when you roll your eyes at him.

You’ve grown much more comfortable with Namjoon in the recent times you’ve hung out with him, purely because there was something very welcoming about a person like him. He was understanding and calm, yet he was absolutely hilarious without even needing to try. There were moments where he’d make you laugh until you cry which resulted in the librarians shooting you glares from their desks.

“Penny for your thoughts?” He hums, definitely recognising the way you were a little out of the loop even throughout your study session.

The library is quiet during this hour because it wasn’t exam season and rarely were students willing to spend time on a school night at the library against their own will.

“Just … stuff.” You sigh.

And Namjoon frowns ever so slightly because you were always like this, tucked away in your own compartment as if you were afraid to reveal anything more.

“You can always talk to me, you know?” He whispers, eyes focusing on your face when he leans down.

You purse your lips and you nod. You knew you could, but your problems were far more complex than what you could describe in words. Besides, you knew that Namjoon had some … form of feelings to you—so how the hell were you supposed to explain the fact that you’ve allowed your best friend to touch you in a way that a lover is meant to?

“I know.” You sigh, fiddling with your fingers when you bring yourself to look up at him through your eyelashes. “It’s really complicated and I don’t want to unload onto you.”

Namjoon smiles at you so gently you feel even guiltier for feeling the way you do.

“And I’m a pretty simple guy. Say anything and I’ll take it at face value.” He jokes.

You roll your eyes at him and shove at his chest. Only then do you realise how close the two of you are. When did his face get so close to yours? Why were you only realising his breath on your cheek?

It’s late, and you’re tired from the copious amount of studying so maybe that’s why your eyes involuntarily dart to his lips that were much closer to you than you’d realised.

“Can I do something?” He murmurs, and you watch his lips move when he asks.

You find yourself blindly nodding, too caught up in the moment.

Namjoon reaches a gentle hand around your jaw, cradling it so softly as if he was afraid to hurt you. A touch you’re familiar yet new to, enough for you to remember and think of Jungkook even if it’s Namjoon in front of you.

The logical part of you tells you to push Namjoon away, to not subject him to this unfair treatment when you know your heart lays elsewhere. But you’re human and you’re selfish because you’ve never been doted on like this—never looked in a way that shows you that he wants you.

Namjoon tilts your head up so that he’s looking straight into your eyes and you’re positive your face is on fire. It feels … nice. But that’s it. You don’t feel exhilarated like you did when Jungkook held you, and you curse yourself for always comparing the two.

He leans in so slowly that you’re quite literally gripping the edge of your seat. You realise this, though.

Namjoon is strategic when he maps out the journey to your lips, both careful and calm when he brings you closer like he’s been preparing for this for a long time. What you remember, is Jungkook—a spontaneous lover who smirks against kisses and tugs you closer in a rush that makes your head spin.

The two are so different, and you’re inclined to want Namjoon too. But you’ve always been a sucker for adrenaline.

But you push those thoughts away and try to focus on the way Namjoon is treating you so tenderly.

“Can I kiss you?” He whispers against your lips and you feel your response before you say it.

“Yeah.” You breathe, fingers digging into your seat.

And Namjoon looks stunning up close, suave and handsome like you always knew him to be when he closes the distance.

He presses into your lips so softly that you barely feel it at first, not until he’s tilting his head to bring you closer and his other hand cups the other side of your face.

Your face is hot because he’s the second person you’ve ever kissed and it feels … it feels. You like it. That’s what you think.

You don’t dare go further than return his kiss, and Namjoon is far too gentlemanly to prod at your lips.

Your hand instinctively reaches out to wrap them around his neck, but a voice interrupts your movements.

“______?”

Immediately, you pull away—remembering where you were and how easy it was for you to be spotted locking lips with Namjoon.

You flush, turning to the source of the voice to mumble a sheepish apology until you realise who it is—and your face pales.

Not only because is it Jungkook, who’s staring at you and Namjoon with a hardened gaze. But because of the company he has.

“Cute,” Jennie smirks, arms looped around Jungkook’s and you feel your throat clam shut.

Namjoon notices the drop in your expression that you try to hide, and he reaches out to squeeze your hand in an attempt to offer consolation. He doesn’t need to guess why.

“What are you—?”

“We were about to leave, right?” Namjoon murmurs so softly that you barely catch him. Not until you realise that Jennie has her eyebrow cocked, awaiting your response.

You blink before you turn to Namjoon who’s still looking at you so gently.

He didn’t deserve this.

“I’ll go.” You say curtly, softly taking your hand back from where he’s squeezing it as you offer an apologetic look to him. All while Jungkook is still staring at you.

“Wait, ____—” Jungkook reaches out to grab at your elbow, and you immediately pull away as if you’ve been scathed.

You knew you didn’t have a right to feel this way, not when you made it explicitly clear that you needed time away from him. But you also thought you made it clear how you felt about him and he was around her … again. It’s like a bucket of cold water that’s been washed upon you and you feel like utter shit when you see Jennie smile up at you, completely oblivious to the conflict you were having in your heart.

“I’ll walk you back.” Namjoon stands up, even as you attempt to protest. But Namjoon levels you with a firm expression that has you snapping your mouth shut and sighing to yourself, begrudgingly allowing him to stand by your side; almost towering over you and even Jungkook when he shoots him a withering glare.

“I’ll do it.” Jungkook snaps back, shaking Jennie’s arm off of him.

Before Namjoon can respond, you’re doing it for him.

“There’s no need, Jungkook.” You say softly, avoiding his eyes.

You don’t have to look at him to see the fall in his face.

“I just wanted to talk—”

“There’s nothing we can’t talk about with them here, right?” You smile stiffly at him.

Jungkook pauses, hands too as they reach for your shoulder.

“It’s not what it—”

You’re cutting him off again, tired of hearing the same thing fall from his lips, “you don’t need to say anything.”

But your heart wants to stay even if your mind knows it’s a bad idea. You’re lucky Namjoon was there because he’s tugging you aside with his arms.

“Let’s go, okay?” He whispers into your ear, soft enough so only you can hear.

You nod your head, turning to leave when you feel your heart break for the same reason again. You hate that your first instinct is the hotness behind your eyelids.

“So you’re with him?” Jungkook huffs, and you can tell he’s exasperated.

You’re about to retort, but Namjoon shakes his head—turns around to mouth something to Jungkook you can’t be bothered to see before he’s leading you out the library, leaving Jungkook and Jennie there.

Right before you step out, you hear Jennie say:

“We should do a double date.”

Namjoon hears this too and wraps an arm around your shoulder as he squeezes. He’s nice enough that he doesn’t ask why you were sniffling on the walk back to your home.

[kiruuuuu]

Oneshot in which Thermite, Bandit and Kapkan, uh, deal with the... unusual aftermath of a mission. (Rating T, supernatural shenanigans, ~1.5k words) - written for @r6shippingdelivery​! 💗

.

It starts out entirely innocent.

Well, maybe not really since raiding a White Mask lab intended to research biochemical warfare is inherently not innocent at all, but the quiet week afterwards is – Thermite is recovering from a graze shot, Bandit broke a finger and Kapkan got stabbed, so they’re out of the mix and don’t have to worry about clean-up duty or chasing the terrorists over several continents. Instead, they laze around at base, throw popcorn at each other, gossip and waste time. Worrying about their teammates is second nature but it becomes significantly more bearable with the impromptu barbecues Thermite keeps initiating, the sips of vodka here and there which Kapkan provides and the innumerable activities Bandit thinks up to stave off boredom.

Still, Thermite wasn’t prepared to wake up one morning with the two operators sitting on the bed opposite him and staring into his soul. With a heartfelt curse, the American jolts upright, heart racing and mind already providing the worst case scenarios. “What happened? Did anyone die?”

Bandit softens a little (which is an unusual sight) and shakes his head. “No, everything’s fine. …Well, mostly.”

This doesn’t bode well. “What’s up? Why are you here?”

“Promise to not tell anyone and promise not to scream”, Kapkan demands quietly and Thermite nods straightaway. He’s always up for being let in on a secret and though he might not be the best one at keeping it when he’s loose and relaxed and drunk, he tries his best.

Before his eyes, Kapkan disappears.

Thermite screams.

When the blackness fades again, Bandit is holding him down with a look of concern and amusement. “That was about my reaction too”, he informs the still thrashing Thermite casually. “Only I didn’t throw pillows at him.”

Kapkan, now again fully visible, scoffs. “You threw a knife. As if I could be defeated by that.”

“What the fuck”, Thermite breathes and shakes the German off to rub at his face. “What the fuck, Maxim. Can you -”

Next to him, Bandit holds up his index fingers and turns them into fucking Tesla coils or something because suddenly, there’s lightning arcing from one to the other and the electricity makes Thermite’s arm hair stand up.

He screams again.

“The White Masks are fucking with things that should’ve been left unfucked”, Kapkan grumbles while Bandit struggles to calm down an agitated Thermite. “My guess is that our injuries allowed some shit in the air to react in our bodies.”

Wait.

“Wait”, says Thermite. “Are you saying -”

“Try it.” Bandit nods encouragingly. “It’s a bit like flexing a muscle in your temple. At first, it was really exhausting and hard to do, but we’ve already become better at it.”

Because he’s still too dumbstruck to second-guess his friends’ words, he obliges. There really is something, almost like a new limb or one he never felt like this before, and like Bandit said, it’s hard to isolate. He closes his eyes, focuses and tenses the new addition to his body, tries again and again -

And then the smoke alarm starts going nuts.

“Shit”, Kapkan mutters and defeatedly eyes the burning mattress next to him.

.

“We can’t let anyone know.” The disembodied voice follows the soft sound of footsteps around the workshop. Thermite is trying to burn HARRY SUX into the surface of one of the old tables, yet his control isn’t advanced enough and so the first three letters only end up spelling out GAY. Bandit is charging his phone and looking horrendously smug. “They’re gonna cart us off and treat us like zoo animals. So let’s keep it low, shall we?”

“I’m definitely telling my boys”, Bandit objects. “They’ll be dying of envy, Mark especially.”

“No. No telling. Do you want to end up dissected on some mad scientist’s table?”

“Shouldn’t we at least tell Six? In case the White Masks have injected themselves with this stuff and gone Hulk.”

Kapkan is silent for a moment and makes Thermite jump when he accidentally brushes against him. It’s still horribly uncanny. “All the material has been reviewed already. Doc would know if the formula to this… whatever it is was among the intel we recovered. You likely blew it up, Jordan.”

“From all we know, this doesn’t protect us against bullets anyway, so we’re good. As long as they don’t manage to use these abilities to put on a circus show so distracting we forget to do our jobs, I think we’ll be fine.” Bandit turns the overhead lamp into a strobe light which gets old after about four seconds.

“So that’s it? We just don’t let anyone know and never use this shit?” Thermite can’t believe it. He’s become a real life firebender and Kapkan is demoting him immediately.

“I mean – I never said we wouldn’t use it.”

.

The next week is the best of Thermite’s entire life so far.

He learns how to make crème brûlée purely so he can caramelise the sugar on top, constantly ignites Kapkan’s vodka shots and has no trouble heating up his food anymore. He develops the precision necessary to burn single words off a page and to turn up the heat until he can melt metal, does a few failed experiments trying to form glass and eventually makes his own out of sand and annoys both his friends by making cutlery unusable.

Kapkan figures out how to make other objects invisible and thus forces the other two to remember the exact layout and furniture of every room on base lest their toes suffer some more, and he causes them to sharpen their hearing if they don’t want to end up covered in yoghurt again. When he realises his invisible form isn’t bound to his normal physical shape but more bendable, they start smuggling him into public places in a bag and then watch other people’s confusion when they walk back out together. They also eat like kings after Kapkan wrestles a deer while invisible.

Bandit makes light switches and electric plugs obsolete, powers the coffee machine from his bed whenever he’s lazy and texts them to bring him a cup, fries his phone in a demonstration of how fast he can charge it and manages to type on a keyboard without using his fingers. He realises he can hotwire vehicles without messing with cables and has to be deterred from stealing an admittedly fetching Lamborghini they spot one day, but the highlight is him going outside during a thunderstorm, hands outstretched towards the heavens, disregarding the rain, and yelling against the thunder until lightning strikes him directly.

All three of them are in awe and horror.

“We can’t let anyone know”, Bandit reiterates and tries unsuccessfully to flatten his wild hair.

.

The next day, the others return. Making up excuses becomes second nature.

“I microwaved a grape earlier, that’s why it’s broken”, Kapkan lies in passing and gracefully accepts the bollocking which follows.

“I must’ve dropped a cigarette, that’s why it’s burnt”, Bandit lies casually and shrugs at the lecture he receives.

“I was watching a film, that’s what you must’ve heard”, Thermite lies easily and dismisses the concerns about a ghost on the base.

And then, a few days later, Thermite organises a barbecue, starts preparing everything outside while humming to himself, singing along to the small wireless and taking a sip of the beer Ash brought him from the States, and he’s content, relaxed, and unfocused. While lighting the coal, he juggles a little with a flame, makes it dance in the air and eventually spell out his name, and then someone gasps and the sound of something shattering echoes between the buildings. A single glance tells Thermite it wasn’t only the glasses Dokkaebi was carrying but also his dreams.

She’s white as a sheet.

“Neat magic trick, huh?”, he tries lamely.

.

Harry has his head in his hands.

“When were you planning to tell me?”, he wants to know quietly.

“Well”, says Kapkan. “You know”, says Bandit. “Actually”, says Thermite.

“Talk to Doc. Explain it to him. Get a thorough check-up. Report to Olivier, James, anyone who might have more information on this. And please, please don’t go out in public or blow anything up.”

.

It fades. As fun as it was, it’s a bit of a relief for everyone involved because it makes their lives that much easier. Doc can finally sleep again after researching himself silly, the worried glances from their friends and teammates stop and they don’t have to hold back anymore. That was the worst part: living in fear of accidentally causing harm. All three agree it’s for the better and go back to their usual routine, sighing in annoyance when they have to switch the television on manually, but going back is a lot easier.

And when Bandit sometimes smokes despite having forgotten his lighter, and when Kapkan’s phone has a suspiciously long battery life, and when Thermite knows a little too much about how Fuze’s date went, they still don’t tell anyone.

[verdigrisprowl]

human au

Hey I’m back on this meme yay.

This post is over 1400 words long??? how the fuck

1. Prowl became a cop because her whole family was full of cops, so she was exposed to it a lot as a kid—and consequently got completely obsessed with it. Spent her whole life preparing to be a cop. Did all her book reports on police biographies and as many school projects as physically possible on the history of policing, went into her local Explorer program as early as possible, spent every year in track & field in school and took two different martial arts extracurrucularly, drove off all her potential friends in school because she basically had nothing to talk about that didn’t somehow relate back to policing, majored in criminal justice in college, every single class and elective she took was geared specifically toward giving her extra knowledge or skills that she thought could be useful for policing, applied for the police academy the day she finished her last final, soared through the application process (with one near-hiccup during the psych eval), completely aced every class and every lesson in the police academy.

She was a police officer for less than a year when she saw crime scene investigators at work examining the blood spatter evidence at a crime scene, and realized deep in her soul that she had to spend the rest of her life doing what they were doing or she would literally die.

She’s now a ballistics expert and is extremely happy with it.

2. She’s still weirdly obsessed with policing and struggles to carry on conversations that don’t relate back to law enforcement. Luckily, this is less weird for someone who works in law enforcement than it was for, like, a twelve-year-old. But it does mean that, outside of coworkers who talk with her about work, she doesn’t really talk to anyone. She doesn’t have close friends. She doesn’t talk to her family. She’s lonely.

She goes on a lot of first dates, because she’s conventionally attractive and big enough boobs automatically cancel out resting bitch face, and she doesn’t have the social sense to realize she probably shouldn’t be giving a shot to every guy who hits on her out of nowhere simply because they think she’s hot. She has a fair amount of second dates, too, because it’s excusable to only talk about your basic life facts and your job on the first date, and because a lot of guys just don’t notice if they’re doing more talking than she is. She even has some third dates with those guys who are extremely chatty and too self-absorbed to realize she’s saying almost nothing back. It’s the fourth date at the very latest that either the guy realizes that she can basically only talk about one subject, and says maybe they should see other people; or that she decides the sickening feeling like she’s stuck inside an invisible bubble and all alone while she’s supposed to be connecting with this other human being has gotten too bad to bear, and she texts him to thank him for his time and inform him that they will no longer be dating, and then ignores his calls.

Sometimes she hangs out in libraries reading because she hopes to meet maybe vaguely intellectual guys and that seems like the place to do it, but she doesn’t strike up conversations with anyone and it turns out that pretty much the only guys who interrupt reading women at libraries are jerks. (She still dates them, and ends up predictably disappointed.) Sometimes she goes out to bars, which she really doesn’t like, but at least then she sometimes gets laid without having to go through a couple awful dates first, which is something.

And believe it or not her dating life is going better than the rest of her social life.

3. Prowl is bi-everything and demi-everything. The latter has prevented her from figuring out the former because it’s kind of hard to realize you’re attracted to girls if that attraction only springs up after you’ve made an emotional connection, and also you don’t make emotional connections. And also she hasn’t even figured out she’s demi because she’s hungry to make a romantic connection to someone and because she’s got a fairly active libido, and she’s never quite realized that wanting to be in love and wanting to have sex aren’t the same as having attraction TO someone. So she keeps dating lame dudes that hit on her first.

Other things Prowl has not figured out about herself: she’s autistic. You’d think that would be one she would have figured out about herself, because it’s honestly pretty obvious. But she never had the super obvious traits that would have been dead giveaways as a child—her stims were either small and unassuming or else done in private and so never stuck out to anyone; she had shutdowns instead of meltdowns and those were very infrequently triggered; and when she was nonverbal as a child people ascribed it to deeply traumatic childhood experiences. (Garden-variety divorced parents, coincidentally around the time she went nonverbal.) In fact, it turns out you can get away with a whole lot of pretty obvious signs of autism without getting diagnosed if you use “childhood trauma, therapy will fix it”! Especially if you’re a girl! Wow!

She probably would have gotten diagnosed if she hadn’t figured out how to get words to work again. And immediately demanded to stop going to therapy.

4. She rents the attic of a house occupied by five other people, who clearly all know each other and are friends, so she’s not sure why they rented out the attic to a total stranger. Maybe they couldn’t find a sixth friend to rent it? She thinks they’re all construction workers or something. Only 1.5 of them isn’t an idiot. Even though she has the same permission to use the common areas of the house that the rest of the residents do, she never uses them, and sneaks around avoiding the living room or any other room where the other residents are likely to be in order to get to the kitchen. She also eats at odd hours to try to avoid running into any of them. Sadly, a couple of them eat at odd hours too, so occasionally she’ll peek in the doorway and then bolt like a scared rabbit because somebody’s already in there. Why is she so determined to avoid them tho? It’s like she thinks she’s a home invader and she can’t let them know she’s there. She pays the same rent the rest of them do. What’s she scared of.

They met as construction workers but only two of them actually still are. The others are a doctor, a trucker, and a drug dealer respectable chemical engineering student. And they all think their roommate upstairs is pretty great even though she only talks to them, like, once a month. (They would be 100% dtf any time if she asked but she hasn’t and they don’t know how to broach the topic besides nude pics. And they figure it’s probably a bad idea to send unsolicited nude pics to someone who works with the police. Especially when they’re hiding drugs.)

5. I was like “hey guys I’ve got four headcanons but I need a fifth” and my friends were like “what’s Prowl’s favorite pizza” and I was like “what kind of pizza says ‘autistic forensic investigator with a special interest in police and a sad social life’” and I got “pepperoni? cheese pizza?” 

Prowl’s favorite pizza is cheese pizza, except she doesn’t eat the cheese, she peels it off and just eats the pizza with the tomato sauce. No, she can’t order a pizza with sauce and no cheese, if you do that the tomato sauce gets overcooked and crusty and nasty. It needs the layer of cheese on top to protect it during the baking, and then the cheese can be removed and the beautiful saucy pizza consumed.

She prefers a largely liquid diet, though. As a kid she’d mechanically swallow down sandwiches (PB&J, preferably, or melted cheese BUT NOT on toast ONLY on plain bread and melted in the microwave), or squishy food like mashed potatoes and cooked carrots, but given a choice she’d live on soup. If the food is the least bit crunchy she can’t process it.

The recent trends of a billion smoothie recipes and nutrient drinks that supposedly fulfill 100% of a human’s dietary needs have been basically the greatest thing to ever happen to her, in her life, full stop.

[marianneforbes]

A response to “36 things wrong with American women”.

Up until now I have spent most of my time bashing feminists and SJW, so I figured I would balance it out a little bit with some bashing of stupid men. For those of you who don’t know who Roosh V is, he is a YouTube creator and pick-up artist who, despite trying his best, can’t seem to grab the attention of beautiful women. This has led him to become quite bitter. He is the creator of the site ‘Return of Kings’, where he has gained quite a following from other likeminded men. He also has had to deal with his fare shae of problems, tlike being denied big muscled white men in movies, and instead female leads (Mad Max Fury Road and Star Wars Episode VII).

 Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCm8C21pXdQ

Number 1: They’re fat. Fat girls are simply unattractive, so why should you waste time dating a fat chick?

Some men do find chubby girls attractive. It’s true that fat people are generally not considered that attractive, and for good reasons too. However, women are not the only fat ones. Last time I checked, men can be obese too.

Number 2: They’re constantly glued to their smart phones. These girls are addicted to an electronic device and are less capable of human interaction.

Well, surfing on the internet on your phone while you’re sitting on a bus or train is a way to kill the time, especially if you’re alone. Are you telling me that American men are not?

Number 3: They cut their hair short. They are so lazy to maintain long hair that they make themselves ugly on purpose.

Long hair can be quite difficult to maintain, and cost a lot of money. Also, some women simply do look better in short hair. If your head size is on the thin side, a short haircut will give your face a lift and make it look rounder. Also, what is a short haircut to you? Does shoulder’s length long hair count as short or does it qualify as long?

Number 4: They are more impressed with the crappy DJ or instagram celebrity than a doctor who saves lives.

Actually, most women want financial security, so the doctor has a bigger chance of scoring when it comes to long lasting relationships. Maybe the DJ has better chances of scoring a one-night stand.

Number 5: They think being overly sarcastic is a quality that men love. Wrong. Sarcasm is rude and doesn’t show that you have a good sense of humor.

I agree that being overly sarcastic is not a good trait, though the same goes for men! However, sometimes it can be a good coping mechanism for when you’re really down, and that is fine.

Number 6: They listen to stupid websites when it comes to pleasing men.

Yes, but it’s more for fun. We look at them and then have a good laugh with our friends over how stupid those sites are. Mostly we listen to friends and family members when we want to be serious.  

Number 7: They don’t know how to cook. Their idea of cooking is using the microwave or preparing macaroni & cheese, and some women don’t even know how to do that.

Cooking takes time, and the majority of people don’t have the time to spend all day long preparing a delicious gourmet dinner.

Number 8: They wear flip flops when they’re not on the beach, or not at the pool, or not in their house. Flip flops are the laziest footwear that you could put on, and it screams to the world that you simply don’t care.

And what obligation do women have to care what other people think about them? No, I would never wear flip flops outside of the beach/pool, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to tell others what they shouldn’t wear. To each his own.

Number 9: They have condoms in their dresser, because they are fully prepared to sleep with random men. A man only wants a girl to be a slut for himself not the entire town.

Let me tell you something you probably didn’t know: Women can get pregnant from sex.  

Number 10: They idolize drug addicted celebrities aiming to mimic their braindead behavior. The role models for today’s girl is Kim Kardashian, not a woman who have achieved things in life.

What women would you like them to worship? Kim Kardashian, for all the shit she gets, has achieved things in life. She is the owner of her own company and has designed her own brand. 

Number 11: They acquire pets instead of putting in to work to woo a quality man. When a woman gives up in life she buys a dog. This is sad.

Not all women get a dog when they give up on life. Some women get a cat.

But in all seriousness, pets have proven to reduce stress and are great therapy. Why shouldn’t a woman be allowed to have a pet? If all men were like you (thankfully they aren’t), can you really blame them for preferring a pet to a man?

Number 12: They don’t know how to be sexy and feminine, only trashy and slutty. Modern day women have no idea how to be a lady on the streets.

What on earth are you talking about? Not all women wants to be feminine. Some of them want to be more masculine. And how are they acting trashy and slutty?

Number 13: They have standards that are way beyond their attractiveness. Even an average girl thinks that she should land her prince charming.

As much as I hate to say this, I do agree with this. However, it should be noted that men do this as well, so it’s a two way street (you seem to be one of those men).

Number 14: They think that having a good job means that they are a quality girl and a good catch. News flash, guys don’t care about your stupid office job.

So let me get this straight: Women should care about your fancy doctor-education, but men don’t have to care about ours’?

Number 15: They wear pajamas in public. This is retarded.

Do they, or are you just talking about them wearing jump suits when they go for a quick errand to the store?

Number 16: They enjoy books like Twilight, Fifty Shades of Grey and The Secret. They are addicted to braindead entertainment that makes them dumber.

Those books are easy to read and doesn’t require much thinking. They serve one purpose and one purpose only: fulfilling the desire and sexual fantasies of women.

Are you telling me men don’t enjoy “braindead” entertainment just for the sake of entertainment?

Number 17: Their idea of traveling is going to a beach or France. They have no idea how to use travel to learn about other cultures.

You’re only half right. Women do enjoy culture, and mostly when they travel they do both.

Also, what is wrong with France? France has a rich history, beautiful culture and good food. Paris is one of the most beautiful cities in the world. I make a trip there every second year.

Number 18: They have too many trashy tattoos. Too many American women these days look like prison convicts.

Believe it or not, they are allowed to have those tattoos. Some men find it attractive, while others don’t. I doubt most men care, though.

Number 19: They are proud to be dating many men at the same time, as if they were men themselves. These days women have no shame in hiding the facts that they are sluts.

If both parties are comfortable with it, who are you or I to judge?

Number 20: They do and say things in bed even the first time that you have sex with them, as if they were an immature porn actress. You know that they are doing that to every other guy as well?

Then stop being a pussy and tell them that it doesn’t turn you on!

Number 21: They cock block their own girlfriends when they are jealous. They can’t have it that their friends meet someone while they don’t.

Yes, there are some women who do this, and it’s shitty and annoying as fuck. I can give you this one. Luckily none of the women I know are like this.

Number 22: They make lame excuses for not putting effort into their appearances. It’s seems like a raise to the bottom for every girl to look as homely as possible.

Women have no obligation to anyone to put effort into appearance, especially not for you. 

Number 24: They always lie the first time you get them in bed by saying “I’ve never done this before”. You know that’s a lie, but they continue saying that for every guy they sleep with.

Considering how you only a few posts ago said that you only want them to be a slut for you, are you really that surprised?

By the way, where is point number 23?

Number 25: They confuse being a challenge by being whiny and annoying. They have no idea how stupid they look when they give men a hard time for spending time with them.

I’m guessing you are talking about all those women rejecting you when you walk up to them and expect them to just fall into your arms. They are not obligated to spend time with you, and the one looking like a fool is you, not them!

Number 26: They watch way too much TV, letting it influence their personalities. When you go on a date with an American girl, you are really dating a combination of characters she has seen on television.

Huh? This doesn’t make any sense at all.

Number 27: On their way home from their comfortable office job, they take off their work shoes and put on dirty sneakers. They have no idea how much of a slob the look when they do this.

WHAT? Maybe they change their shoes because they don’t want to ruin their good shoes, and because it’s more comfortable walking home in sneakers as well as easier to run in in case someone jumped on them.

Number 28: They age their skin prematurely to fake tans. Maybe they’ll look like this week or next month, but in a few years’ time they are going to look like a razor.

Considering how you have in many of your points been calling them “girls” instead of “women”, indicating that you don’t view them as adults, can you blame them?

Number 29: They insist on eating pizza or other fattening food after a night of binge drinking. And then they wonder why they are so fat.

Because greasy food clears up the head, and balances out the amount of alcohol. Greasy food is a great and tasty cure for hangover.

Number 30: They are obsessed with cupcakes. An American woman gets satisfaction from eating tiny baked goods.

Cupcakes are delicious. Enough said.

Number 31: They care more about maintaining a career than a good home or family. She has made money the most important part of her life, more than having kids or a good husband.

Unless the husband is the CEO of a large company, it is almost a requirment for the woman to work so the family can survive and for the kids to have a bright future. Besides, raising a family takes time and dedication, and if you don’t feel up to the task then you are doing the responsible thing to not start a family. The world is over-populated anyway, we don’t need more brats to ruin it. One final thing before we move on, you are not a good man so I doubt you’d be a good husband. If a woman wants kids and a good husband, you’re not the man she would go for.

Number 32: They rarely wear high heels, one of the most feminine behaviors that a woman can do.

Have you ever worn high heels? Because if you did, you would know that they are extremely uncomfortable, and bad for your back and posture. Why should a woman put your pleasure above her health? Neither is it a requirement for a woman to be feminine.  

Now, I wear high heels on a regular basis because I am quite short, but I don’t blame women who don’t want to wear it. It takes time getting used to.

Number 33: They think dining out and eating food slathered with butter and salt makes them cultured, and they call themselves a foodie while they do it. It just makes them fat instead.

Ditch the woman if she’s so stupid, or just tell her that it doesn’ make her cultural.

Number 34: They don’t speak any foreign languages. They think that America is at the center of the universe.

Olen huomannut että suuri osa Amerikkalaisista uskovat näin, ei vain naisia. Ovat varmasti Amerikkalaiset, jotka tietävät että maailmassa on muita maita, mutta se on stereotyyppi, että eniten heistä eivät tiedä tavallisesta geografiasta.

Eller hur? I Hetalia så bestod ju Amerikas världskarta av bara Amerika.

If a woman speaks more than two languages, English is most likely the foreign language she speaks, while the language that’s foreign to you is her mother tongue.

Number 35: Their intellectual curiosity doesn’t go beyond the pages of Gocker or Buzzfeed. To get them to actually learn about the truths of the world is impossible:

I think most women understand that those sites are garbage. It’s just fun to look at them and poke fun of them.

Number 36: They go on and on about the stupidest personal drama and nonsense, thinking that the day to day things that they come across are critically important to anyone else.

What are they supposed to talk about? The presidential election? I don’t know if you are aware of that, but that subject is a downer? As is the situation in the Middle East. Important stuff as both of those subjects are, you can’t expect a person to only focus on it.