#the dumbest fucking idea ever conceived

[squorttle-pox]

Alastor edit to Sit Still Look Pretty by Daya and it's all the times he opens his big gossipy mouth and steals hearts

[nerves-nebula]

Hi um terrible sorry to bother you rn with a maybe loaded question but what would be each turtles biggest concern(?) issue(?) once they leave splinter and like move to the hidden city? I have a decent idea for donnie and leo but have barely have any for raph and absolutely nothing for mikey

This may or may not turn into something im working on for this tmnt iteration

not entirely sure what you mean by concern so I'll try to wrap my head around "issue." but even that's pretty broad, since they have a lot of overlapping issues.

so like, they've all got PTSD. just to get that outta the way. i think ive talked about this before but i cant find those posts sooo here's to hoping i dont contradict myself!

Raph: Raph mostly struggles with figuring out his identity outside of being a protector. he also focuses a lot on trying to remain present (not dissociate) and being more in touch with his bodies needs, as well as his emotional needs. it's hard for him to pick up new hobbies because he can't really tell what he likes?? so that's what hes doing in therapy, trying to figure himself out and learn how to better take care of HIMSELF instead of others. and like, see himself as a person haha.

Mikey: Mikey gets a bit high off of freedom and kind of goes crazy throughout his twenties, lots of sex, parties, magic drugs, normal drugs, he's down for whatever. he's kind of all over the place and he loves it at first but then he realizes it might not be a great way to live for him. he wants to have something to show for his life and work and like, find a community (while still being insane sometimes :>) and he ends up doing a lot of charity work, painting murals, and a bunch of other stuff. eventually he stumbles his way into a tattoo apprenticeship. His whole thing is basically figuring out how to be his own impulse control, with a side of guilt because he feels like he's the "least traumatized" of his brothers (he still has PTSD it just usually shows up differently than in his brothers)

Mikey also really, REALLY hates being called stupid (not as a joke, like if he fucks something up and someone says hes dumb or something). Splinter always said he was the dumbest one of them all and he acts like he doesn't care, BUT HE DO. it really gets under his skin.

Leo: a lotta self hatred on his end tbh. he spends a lot of time as the hidden cities protector trying to atone for his past mistakes. he feels both fragile and like he's walking on eggshells around his brothers because he knows that he's made most of their problems worse. he also feels like what he went through isnt as bad, because splinter liked him the most. so he's got a similar guilt thing going on as Mikey, with the added pressure of feeling like he has to "earn" his place with his brothers, the way he had to "earn" his place as Splinters favorite.

Donnie: Donnie goes to college pretty early into moving into the hidden city, which he's super excited about! he gets into a really bad relationship for like a year or two with Adelaide, and after that just kind of becomes more and more suicidal until he attempts to kill himself. im not actually entirely sure about the timeline here but yeah, he deals with a lot of sexual & relationship trauma as well as self esteem issues (literally only conceives of himself as pathetic and weak), intrusive thoughts, and suicidal ideation.

donnie doesn't feel like he'll ever be good enough for anything, and he resents the people around him for disagreeing because he thinks they're lying to him.

hope that wasnt all too rambly for ya!

[blimbo-buddy]

Your Rise of the Guardians post reminded me of this fucking crazy dream I had-

I should be documenting all my dreams as soon as I remember and they happen because my brain makes either the hardest shit or the dumbest shit or the most unhinged shit ever to be conceived from the human mind.

So, I was basically a new Guardian and the Keeper of Hallow's Eve. Pitch Black was also a Guardian and this felt like an AU where Pitch Black never went evil but was turning into his canon self and I protected him because he didn't do anything wrong and Jack was with me because he was new as well and the other Guardians didn't trust Pitch almost as if they knew about his canon lore and history and were sidelining him on missions and stuff.

Pitch Black snaps and I go after him and he ends up kind of killing me???? but not really and this part is fuzzy because I should've documented it as soon as I had it but forgot because my dumb neurodivergent brain.

The ending was basically Pitch Black leaves and solos his own stuff but he's still a good guy who made mistakes and I was there but not important since everyone kept talking over me and acting like I don't exist when it's convenient.

Weird dream.

Funnier is that I have an actual Rise of the Guardians book-

funnier funnier is that I uhh.. haven't finished it-

I started it 3 years ago and I got busy and I haven't reached the end but so far it's pretty good!

that sounds like a cool as dream actually, glad my jack frost design hate post brought back that memory for you because god I fucking hate his design in the movie so much

i got told that there was a book, but I had no idea it was a whole damn series. Maybe that's something I should give a read soon

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

In your latest post, you said that Dumbledore MEANT to put Harry in a abusive household. That, or when he found out he did nothing to stop it. Why is that?

You’re going to get a lot of people angry with me. Well, I suppose they’re already angry. Somewhere out there, on the wider internet.

Right, anyway, the evidence of Harry’s abuse is so overwhelming that it seems improbable to me that Dumbledore wasn’t aware of what was happening. More, every interaction he has with not only Harry, but characters in similar circumstances, lends me to believe that in the event that Dumbledore does know he’d take no action.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone: Scene 1

We start out the entire Harry Potter series with Minerva and Dumbledore waiting in the early dawn for Hagrid’s arrival and to place Harry with the Dursleys. Minerva immediately announces her discomfort with this, 

She specifically says the following:

"You don't mean — you can't mean the people who live here? Dumbledore, you can't. You couldn't find two people who are less like us."

Lily Evans’ relatives are infamous enough such that Minerva McGonagall, who is presumably not as close as her like aged peers (i.e. Sirius, Remus, and Peter) knows about them.

Granted, some of this is anti-muggle sentiment. Minerva isn’t sure that suburban muggles raising a magical child like Harry Potter is a good idea. Nevertheless, she has deep misgivings, and relays them to Dumbledore.

We know from further evidence that Dumbledore is perfectly aware of what Petunia and Vernon are like as well. He gives Harry to the Dursleys anyway.

Dumbledore, for his own reasons, chooses not to listen.

Dumbledore’s Letter to Petunia

Dumbledore writes a letter to Petunia, knowing it is highly necessary, as he gives Harry to the family. The letter is... vaguely threatening but in a very polite Dumbledore way. It pretty much implies “Take Harry, or else, also be nice to your dead sister.”

The point is, Dumbledore is aware that this letter is highly necessary. And then... other things happen.

Dumbledore Sends Hagrid

Dumbledore sends Hagrid to pick Harry up.

Ordinarily, in such circumstances, Minerva is sent to introduce muggleborn children to the Wizarding World. “Perhaps she was busy,” you say, too busy for Harry Potter? Wizard Jesus and the child of perhaps her favorite students who she openly favors throughout the series?

“Perhaps Dumbledore was being nice to Hagrid, and he had an errand to do anyway,” well, it’s all well and good to be nice to Hagrid, but is he really the best guy to introduce anybody to the Wizarding World?

This is Hagrid, the likelihood of him having taken Harry to an exotic pet shop where Harry then gets eaten by the Chupacabra is 95%. The 5% where it didn’t happen is because Hagrid went to the pet shop alone and some, distant, rational part of his brain told him that Harry would want the pretty owl vs. the one-eyed blood sucking rat demon in the cage next to her.

You don’t send Hagrid if you want a child returned to you with all its limbs intact.

So why do you send Hagrid?

When you want someone who’s so painfully oblivious, loyal, and stupid that they could stare a hellscape in the face and wouldn’t even notice.

Hagrid gets a firsthand view of Harry’s living conditions. He learns that Harry’s relatives have been actively blocking Harry’s letters, that they have run across the country to avoid them. He sees the state of Harry’s clothing in comparison to Dudley, how thin Harry is in comparison to Dudley, and the way the family interacts with each other.

Harry’s child abuse is staring Hagrid right in the face.

Minerva would demand that Harry be placed somewhere else, they can find some other means of protecting him.

What does Hagrid do?

He gives Dudley a pig’s tail illegally and proceeds to tell Harry that Dumbledore is the greatest man who ever lived. 

Other Evidence Comes to Light

Other characters start getting pretty big warning signs that all’s not right at the Potters.

Ron and Hermione know the situation is “bad” and that Harry’s relatives “hate magic”. They’re also kids and don’t really understand what this means, the idea of being abused and hated by your guardians is unthinkable to them and Harry doesn’t come out and just say it.

That said, they’ve seen enough that they drop hints to those around them. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley are told about the bars on Harry’s window. Ron was so concerned about Harry in the summer after first year that he steals his father’s car with Fred and George to go pick him up. That is not normal behavior, that is deep concern for your friend.

Despite all of this... nothing happens.

Hermione spends far more time at the Weasleys then Harry ever does. Every summer, he returns to Privet Drive, and it’s likely if Arthur and Molly did have concerns Dumbledore told them off.

Arabella Figg

Arabella has been keeping an eye on Harry for years. She’s noted some very disturbing trends and been witness to years of the Dursleys interacting with Harry Potter.

She passes this information on to Dumbledore.

He knows how bad it is.

Harry Potter

Harry tells Dumbledore he does not wish to remain at the Dursleys, he notes that they don’t like him and he doesn’t like them. Now, he tries to downplay it, but this is a child saying some pretty disturbing things. You don’t brush this off.

Dumbledore does.

Dumbledore Visits the Dursleys

In book 6, Dumbledore visits the Dursleys and sees, in person, how bad it is. However, he shows no surprise, only vague disappointment in Petunia. Tsk, tsk, Petunia, I thought you were better than this.

He offers a few threats and then he and Harry go on their merry way.

Severus Snape

Snape is Dumbledore’s spy who reads Harry’s mind for half a year. Granted, Snape is a bastard who loathes Harry Potter, but he sees evidence of the Dursleys abuse of Harry.

We know, from what he relays to Dumbledore later, that he had at least some concern for Harry and was very disturbed by Dumbledore’s plan to murder him in cold blood due to the horcrux.

I think it’s very likely Severus Snape knew and told Dumbledore that Harry was being abused. I’m sure Albus’ response was, “Bitch, I know, would you like a lemon drop?”

Point being, there is no conceivable way that Albus Dumbledore, even if he was the world’s dumbest man, didn’t know exactly how bad it was. He let’s it happen anyway.

But What About the Blood Wards?

Dumbledore eventually tells Harry that the reason he can’t run away from Privet Drive is because of the blood wards created by his mother. They can only be applied if he lives with blood relatives and protect the Dursley house as long as Harry considers it home.

Now, this is a bit suspect given that Harry really considers Hogwarts his home, Privet Drive is just that hell hole he has to go back to every summer. Even the Burrow is more his home than Privet Drive so... That doesn’t sound right.

More, though, there are other means of protection.

There’s the Fidelius which Dumbledore casts on Sirius’ house in book 5. Given that, Harry really could have lived with Sirius (well, Sirius is not in a good place to have a kid around and that would be a disaster and a half). Point being, Harry could be raised elsewhere and there are wards that could protect him.

More, Voldemort and the Death Eaters are out of commission for thirteen years. Indeed, we see Dumbledore up Harry’s security detail by secretly assigning the Order to tail him after fourth year.

So, for a very long time, it’s not about Harry’s protection and when it does become that we see Dumbledore make significant changes.

So, what could it be?

Well, let’s look at Dumbledore’s other actions. Dumbledore prevents Harry from becoming prefect because “he thought it would go to his head”. Which, Harry should absolutely not be made prefect at all, and Ron’s a laughable candidate too but...

To me that’s very telling.

I hate to say this, but this is Dumbledore, but I think he has a very similar reasoning behind Harry going to the Dursleys.

He doesn’t want Harry to be corrupted by the Boy Who Lived persona. He wants him in a certain state of mind when he enters into the wizarding world and... Frankly, he wants him vulnerable. Dumbledore, in time, will need to either murder this boy or have him kill himself. If Harry has a halfway decent guardian, that task becomes a hell of a lot harder.

Harry has to love the wizarding world so much, trust Dumbledore so much, that these things are worth dying for.

You Mentioned Something About Dumbledore’s Other Actions?

Dumbledore has no sympathy for victims of child abuse.

Tom Riddle, an impoverished orphan loathed by those in his orphanage, he thinks is the very devil and sends him back into the Blitz with a smile and a wave. Enjoy the bombs, Tom, hope you die.

Severus Snape, the half blood child of an abusive muggle father and absentee mother, who is nearly murdered by Sirius Black via Remus Lupin, is told to shut the fuck up and sit down before he ruins the lives of his betters.

Dumbledore has a very bad track record with this and, well, Harry Potter is not an exception.

To be fair, I think the wizarding world has not concept of CPS or even child abuse. There’s no hint of a foster system, you go to the closest relative of the godparents. So, I think to them, you’re stuck with whoever you’re stuck with and if your uncle rapes you then it sucks to be you.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 307: The One With Shindou

Previously on BnHA: Endeavor and Hawks (and Jeanist too, although he didn’t really do anything, but BY GOD, WHAT IS UP WITH HIS NECK) held a press conference and were all, “everything you’ve heard is true, so we would just like to say, from the bottom of our hearts... our bad.” U.A. opened its doors to the public as an evacuation shelter. Deku and All Might told basically EVERYBODY about OFA, which is absolutely wild, and yet somehow we hardly paid any attention to this at all. Mostly because the chapter ended with Deku being all “I WALK A LONELY ROAD, THE ONLY ONE THAT I HAVE EVER KNOWN” and peacing out of U.A. to embark on a solo journey of angst. So this is either gonna be the best or the worst thing that ever happened to this series, so TIME TO FIND OUT WHICH IT IS.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “so who do you guys want to see next? Deku? Bakugou?? Well how about SHINDOU?” Shindou is all “hi :) I’m Shindou :) :) remember me :) :) :)?” Horikoshi is all “I’m so sorry for depriving you guys of Shindou for so fucking long, how about an ENTIRE CHAPTER ALL OF HIM” and then he REALLY FUCKING DOES IT because, I don’t know?? Did we make him mad?? Am I being punished for something I did in a past life?? It really is, honest to god, seventeen whole goddamn pages of Shindou, punctuated by a few pages of Muscular, and topped off with one (1) whole appearance by Deku at THE VERY END. And we don’t even get to see his face. I am beside myself lmao I’m sorry you guys, you can skip this recap if you want. Or just skip straight to the end, because movie 3 promo.

“long time no see” now what could this mean?? can’t think of too many characters this phrase would apply to right now. although I can think of one big one, and I know that fandom has been trying to manifest his deadbeat ass to finally show itself for years now. could it finally be that time? if Hisashi shows up and debunks DFO a big chunk of the fandom is probably going to riot lol

(ETA: why oh why did I get my hopes up like that lmao. I’m pretty sure Hisashi doesn’t actually exist and Deku was either immaculately conceived, or the stork really did bring Inko a lil green baby from the cabbage patch.)

anyway, so the chapter is opening on this random scene of CRIME and DISARRAY

was this all done by that big villain from the previous chapter? utility poles knocked down, random holes in the sides of buildings, and it looks like this one car pulled over in a hurry and the driver just hopped out and ran

who are these people talking

OH NO, OH GOD

I am immediately struck by the urge to push Shindou off of this ledge. is that mean? probably that is mean, but also fuck this guy lmao. every year you cheat someone out of their well-deserved spot in the popularity poll, and every year I want to punch you in your stupid face for it

bah. and how are you doing, Tatami. love that hero name even if you do have arguably the dumbest superpower in the entire series

listen, though. here I am shitting on these Ketsubutsu kids for no good reason, and I’m sorry about that, and truthfully it’s mostly because I just want to see Deku and/or Kacchan and so it’s hard to give a fuck about anything else right now. BUT, I will immediately cease and desist ALL of my complaining if this means we also get to see my best girl Ms. Joke, omg. Horikoshi please

sdlkfjlskalk

FUCK YOU SHINDOU OMG. I’M SORRY GUYS I CAN’T HELP IT, EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM IS SO EMINENTLY PUNCHABLE AND DETESTIBLE. IT’S LIKE SOMEONE COMBINED WESLEY CRUSHER WITH JEAN RALPHIO

but LSKJFLEK at this random reminder that Bakugou refused to shake his fucking hand. like, that’s his “fun fact” apparently lol. it’s what he deserves

also living for this “cringe” here, too. fuck you Shindou. I am so, so sorry to any Shindou fans out there you guys because I’m just going to be like this the entire time he’s here. the hate is flowing through me

how has it been three whole pages and I still have to look at his stupid face

anyway so it seems like the kids are having to pick up the slack for Old Man Samurai and all those other assholes who retired. I’m guessing the U.A. kids will be seeing a lot more action as well

but in the meantime let’s hope no villains attack here all of a sudden, because all Tatami can do is make herself shorter while Shindou creates an earthquake to bring the entire building down around them dflkjslk

these guys don’t particularly want to go with them and I can’t say I blame them

so now Shindou is saying that yeah, they can probably handle the looters and such by themselves, but it’s a different story when it comes to the Noumu and the escaped Tartarus prisoners. Shindou how dare you make a reasonable point that I can’t immediately argue with

he says that one of the escapees was sighted in the area, so that’s why they’re trying to evacuate everyone

and the guy disagrees and says he doesn’t trust the heroes and thinks they’re pompous

fdskljk. fucking...

ME: Horikoshi can we please stop and get Deku HORIKOSHI: we have Deku at home THE DEKU AT HOME: 

Horikoshi. please. we get it, the civilians don’t trust the heroes anymore. I UNDERSTAND. I COMPREHEND THIS. so unless there is some other point to this scene I respectfully ask that you hurry things along because omg

did Tatami always have this habit of speaking in meme language and such? I thought that was Camie’s thing but hey

listen, I’m here for anyone who’s willing to drag this man down into the depths of the earth. I would just also rather not spend the entire fucking chapter on this oh my god. Horikoshi do you have any more of those chapters where things happen in them?? those are good, I like those

YESSSSSS FINALLY

so whoever’s on the other end of the call (ETA: it’s that rock-looking guy who can harden anything that he touches. why does BnHA have so many hardening powers) is telling them to run because there’s apparently a villain heading right for them, oh my

WHO IS HE

depending on who it is I can’t promise I won’t be rooting for them over you, buddy

ohhhhhh shit

huh. well that’s... hmm... but on the other hand...

okay lol no, I know it’s bad. Muscular fucking LOVES murdering kids. not even Shindou deserves that. I’m sure he has a family that loves him and stuff. and Tatami seems like a sweet girl. they don’t deserve to be murdered

that is the question isn’t it? are we really going to spend the entire chapter with Limbs-Retracting-Girl and her boyfriend, Joseph Gordon-Levitt from (500) Days of Summer??

YES OMG

YES PLEASE CALL YOUR SENSEI. my god do you know what I would give to see Ms. Joke take down an S-class villain??

(ETA: all I’ll say is that we were robbed here, you guys.)

now Tatami is running away while Shindou stays behind omg

Horikoshi I know I said I hate the guy, and I do, but my god. seems I don’t hate him half as much as you do you. been nice knowing you Shindou my man

are you serious Tatami really ran all the way back up here to try and evacuate these guys one more time

SHE’S SUCH A GOOD PERSON omg if you assholes don’t listen to her you deserve to get murdered

BRO

HORIKOSHI DID YOU REALLY FUCKING DO IT I CAN’T BELIEVE IT

LOL OKAY NO, SO FAR HE’S ONLY MESSED UP HIS FACE

WHAT A SHAME WHAT A TRAGEDY. THE WORLD MOURNS

okay but seriously, now he has to be dead

r.i.p. Shindou. he died doing what he loved, talking a lot and being utterly useless

then again, damn Shindou are you really gonna come out here and be a badass?? gonna make me eat my words there kiddo?

I have absolutely no idea if I should expect this to work or not. all I know is that this is page 14, and so it would seem we really are going to spend the entire fucking chapter on fucking Shindou. this beautiful chapter had so much potential, Horikoshi. and now look at it. I hope you’re happy

nope it didn’t fucking work at all lmao

IT’S JUST LIKE I SAID. r.i.p. you pretentious handsome lump

OHHHHHH SNAP

DEKU YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO LOL. anyway but it’s good to see you!! it’s good to see ANYONE other than these guys sob but especially you

FINALLY SOMETHING COOL OMG

somehow Horikoshi actually made the bunny mask look badass?? I don’t think this is sustainable, but I am here for it while it lasts

Shindou should by all rights be nothing but A HANDSOME PASTE at this point lol but WHATEVER. it’s BnHA; getting smashed into walls and cliffs has more or less the same consequences as being set on fire. slap a band-aid on it and you’re good to go

we are REALLY ENDING IT HERE huh

well. and that’s it. I just did not care about any of that lmao. a rare dud of a chapter. well, but we’ve had something like ten in a row that ranged from “pretty good” to “amazing”, so I guess that’s fair

anyway I feel like I owe you guys something other than endless bitching and moaning, so! BONUS:

now this is more like it

first of all, I’m absolutely living for this promo’s “YEET THE CHILDREN OUT OF A HELICOPTER” vibes. FUCK YEAH WE’RE HEROES BITCH

is Deku wearing a jetpack/parachute?? let’s hope he is because I’m assuming he doesn’t have Float yet, so if that’s not a jetpack then it is a LONG WAY DOWN kiddo

these maniacs actually got Deku to wear something other than his red shoes holy fuck. I’m speechless. are we sure that’s not an imposter??

Shouto has the funniest falling position I’ve ever seen. I’m assuming his left arm is not in fact tucked under his leg like it appeared to be at first glance?? like, wtf is the outline of your body right now Shouto

this is what I think it is after careful analysis, but at first I thought this kid had some hidden contortionist abilities

and then there’s this guy

I MISSED YOU YOU BIG GOON. loving the new gauntlets!! and he’s changed up his impractical metal neck thingy into arm thingies! but most importantly, ARE THESE WHAT I THINK THEY ARE

ARE THOSE WEENIES. KACCHAN. KACCHAN HAVE YOU GONE NATIVE OMFG

and meanwhile, look who’s with them! Endeavor makes perfect sense of course, but Hawks is a very welcome surprise. does this mean we can expect to see Tokoyami too? because I would fucking love that

lastly, so this confirms the whole “world heroes” thing! which we all pretty much guessed anyway lol. I wonder if this movie will take place in another country (fingers crossed). the city in the background doesn’t look particularly familiar, but this image probably wasn’t meant to be analyzed in that way lol. anyways, looking forward to this so much, PLEASE GIVE US A TRAILER SOON omg

[galaxina-the-pyro]

There's NO PnF x Epithet Erased AU and I'm Here to Correct That!

Well, really I just wanna theorize on what everyone's epithets would be and to just have an excuse to talk about the show, because "Epithet Erased" (produced by @jelloapocalypse) is fucking amazing and ya'll need to stop what you're doing and watch it on VRV (also available on YouTube if you can't afford VRV like me - but if you CAN afford VRV, you totally should considering making an account so you can support this AMAAAAAZING project) Go on. Do it.

So - a little info dump for ya'll who aren't in the know...ahem...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h97aI5SZHk4&ab_channel=JelloApocalypseJelloApocalypseVerified

SO! In the world of Epithet Erased, there are those who are gifted with the rare power called, you guessed it, Epithets. Some have them - others don't. The ones who don't are called Mundies, and the ones who do are called Inscribed. Those who are Inscribed each have a unique word attached to their soul that allows them to do "stuff" depending on the given word.

Ex. One of the main characters of the series has the Epithet "Goldbricker", which allows him/her to turn objects into gold, including him/herself.

Inscribed are able to train and hone their powers so that they can gain more abilities in the process - however, depending on the word you get, you may be the most dangerous being in existence, or have the lamest superpower ever. Though, do not be fooled - even the dumbest sounding words can hold their weight in ways you never suspected if you use them right.

Inscribed and Mundies alike are all ranked by three stats: Stamina, Proficiency, and Creativity (arguably the most IMPORTANT stat for Inscribed). These stats dictate one's power and durability within a battle or even for everyday tasks and jobs, like building, or stuff like that.

In the end, Epithets are NOT in any way, shape, or form connected to genetics - Mundie parents can conceive Inscribed children, and Mundie children can have Inscribed parents. All of it is randomized, from whether or not you'll have one, to the word you get in question.

Now with all THAT out of the way, I can go on to ramble about the possible Epithets the REST of the gang has.

NOTE: this isn't me saying EVERYONE listed would be Inscribed if they WERE in Epithet Erased because that's not possible - chances are, someone like Isabella would be a Mundie while that one background character named Baltazar the Ballpit Kid would be Inscribed. This is just for funsies! (Also, because Perry's an animal he doesn't get an Epithet, sorry)

So...without further ado...what I think the cast of PnF's Epithets would be:

Phineas: "Lightbulb" (an Epithet that seems useless on the surface - Phineas is able to cause lightbulbs to appear from thin air upon thinking of an idea. But he's ALSO able to generate electricity and use it in battle, and can use it to charge his machines and anything he builds)

Ferb: "Toolbox" (Ferb is able to pull an assortment of tools and useful gadgets from seemingly nothing, hence him being a literal "toolbox" - these tools vary from things like hammers and saws to actual weaponry. Lord help you if he gets his hands on an ACTUAL toolbox or anything like it)

Candace: "Gatekeeper" (This was a tough one - basically, "gatekeeper" refers to her control-freak personality. Her abilities can be as small as being able to lock or unlock doors from afar/without the use of a key, to being able to create doors and gates to keep people in or out of something or somewhere)

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: "Self-Destruct" (This probably doesn't count because "Self-Destruct" is two words, but DANGIT I'm gonna do it anyway because this is just too perfect for Dr. D! Doof's ability allows him to cause explosions of any kind within the vicinity, including himself. He takes recoil damage from this ability, but it's actually really powerful if used correctly [which luckily, given that he's PROBABLY a Bonzai Blaster in this, his Proficiency is probably too low for him to use it that way, though I'd imagine his creativity is as high as Phineas and Ferb's])

Isabella: "Daydream" (This Epithet allows Isabella to create illusions and false realities with her mind - oftentimes it's to her detriment, as one of her most utilized "fantasies" is Phineasland. However, she can use this ability to trap her enemies and can even summon "imaginary friends" to help her in battle)

Buford: "Wind" (Though the word is simple, Buford is able to control the winds around him - even to the point of creating gusts to blast at enemies. He's also able to fly effortlessly through the air, though for a short period of time [pray that you're not beneath him when he runs out of air]. The catch? His power is through farts and belches...shut up, you all know this makes sense)

Baljeet: "Multiple" (Baljeet's Epithet allows him to project numbers and math problems for all to see - it COULD also allow him to increase in size and to create clones of himself if his Creativity was much higher than it already is. Luckily, he's at the very least able to use these numbers as projectiles)

Vanessa: "Rock" (Which refers to her being the kind of person people can open up to ["Candace Against the Universe"], her tough, firm personality, as well as the kind of music she listens to. With this Epithet, she is able to turn parts of her body into pure stone [much like "Goldbricker"], making her nearly invincible)

Major Monogram: "Screen" (Is able to appear on any screen without the need of a camera - he can also take control of any device with a screen so long as he is inhabiting it...which...kinda puts Carl out of the job, so...uh...let's fix that!)

Carl: "Intern" (Yeah. His Epithet is Intern. Because that's what he is. His ability is a wildcard, as it allows him to work in any environment with high proficiency, but depending on the location he's in he's either a force to be reckoned with or is completely useless in battle. Ex. in an office setting, he's just really good with numbers and writing checks and stapling papers, etc., but in a hospital setting he can have the ability to heal you in battle)

And that's all I really got so far. I might add more in the future. If you guys think their Epithets would be different, I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts!

"Epithet Erased" is fun, creative and such a joy to watch, it'd be a crime for this project to not be completed from a lack of viewing. It's got poignant humor, a cast of quotable, likable characters I guarantee will make you all smile, FANTASTIC MUSIC LIKE OMG IT'S SO GOOD YOU GUYS, an engaging storyline, and is just a charming DnD-esque adventure throughout. And that's just seven episodes - that's right. Season 1 of Epithet Erased has seven beautifully made episodes that you can watch on YouTube/VRV now right on your computer or phone or whatever!

Seriously, I do not kid you, this series has the potential to be as good if not better than shows like "Avatar: the Last Airbender", it's that brilliant. And again, IT ONLY HAS SEVEN EPISODES SO FAIR! It'll only take you, like, three hours to watch them all at most! So really, you don't have an excuse NOT to watch this wonderfully made series! I implore you to give it a look - you will not regret it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMesNJy06kM&ab_channel=ChimericalNightcoreChimericalNightcore

[beesmygod]

netflix’s new horror movie “bird box” sucks ass and not in a funny, enjoyable way: a review

first im going to preface this review with this: im sick. i caught a cold on the way home from reno and spent the day recovering watching this garbage instead of doing anything that required a working brain. i knew i wasn’t going to get anything mind-blowing but “bird box” teeters heavily on “insultingly bad” instead of just “bad” and it kept me mad about having wasted two hours of my life for a solid 24 hours straight.

so if this review doesn’t make sense, its partly because im sick, and partly bc this movie doesn’t make sense. this review is also impossible to structure because i dont even know where to begin. maybe here: the directing is derivative, boring and bad. its like watching paint dry. the whole movie looks like your grandma’s house smells.

to re-iterate: this movie is 2 hours long. i’ll save you 2 hours by telling you that you never see the monster, ever. sandra bullock admitted to laughing out loud repeatedly on set at the monster when it was revealed to her which lead to it being cut from the movie. if we had seen the monster, maybe the movie would have been bumped up from a d- to a c+ just because the mental image of a long green baby with john malkovich’s voice is pretty funny.

the bird box, probably

for a movie about a monster, this movie has a serious monster problem. in that the monster is not a problem. the monster (which is never given a name in the movie) can’t seem to actually do anything to you if you don’t look at it. its only power seems to be making you kill yourself when you see it (unless you’re crazy which, thats a whole other kettle of fish. give me a minute). so if you don’t look at it you’re fine? there’s several points in the movie where the monster is physically close to them but doesn’t actually do anything except beg them to take off their blindfolds and look at them. its almost pathetic. as far as i can tell, the monster’s only powers are to make leaves fly upward for no reason (i.e. to indicate its in the area without the camera having to focus on anything specific) and yell at you. but, like, as long as you don’t take off your blindfold (and somehow, people do in this movie) then you’re probably fine.

now, if you’re “crazy” (I KNOW YOU’RE ALREADY ASKING QUESTIONS HOLD ON) then looking at the monster turns you into a stereotypical evangelist for an eldritch horror. you run around saying “crazy” things that read like enemy npc chatter in ps2 era survival horror game. for example:

then, you spend all your time trying to get people to look at it by holding their eyes open. “bird box” does not bother to explain what “crazy” means in this context. according the the story, roving gangs of tokyo-drifting escaped asylum patients rule the post-apocalyptic landscape of the pacific northwest. its impossible to tackle how many layers of like morally wrong it is to yet again shove the mentally ill into the role of antagonists  (im getting exhausted just thinking about piling up all the reasons this is so fucking bad) to the point of making them a fucking enemy class. its almost more succinct just to point out that “bird box” thinks mental illness is an on/off switch you toggle rather than a spectrum. i know this movie is a relic of the past (dec 2018) but i feel like this is such a basic fact about the world as we know it today that the decision to ignore it makes me wonder if the writer was operating under the assumption that horror monster “rules” need to be clearly defined as though they were conceived for use in a videogame.

if_crazy=“yes”,  then bird=box 

speaking of the titular “bird box”: the movie is called that because they literally keep birds. in a box. the birds tell you when the monster is coming, so you can put on your blindfold. but heres the thing: the monster makes GGGGRRRRRROOORRORORO sounds nonstop when its running around in the area. you know when it’s coming. you can hear it coming from a mile away. so there’s really no point in having, a bird box. at one point the monster is so loud they can’t hear the birds over its roaring. whats the point of the birds? as it turns out, the birdbox, is useless. much lIKE THIS MOVI

this movie is a never ending cascade of cliches and stolen plot points, characters, ideas. it steals from “the happening” (blatantly, its the same movie right down to the ugly color scheme of every frame), “dawn of the dead”, “pontypool”, “the mist” and pretty much every post-apocalyptic monster movie ever. bd wong is confirmed as a gay man literally 2 minutes before he dies on screen. the black comedic lead dies next. a pregnant woman is introduced and you’ll NEVER guess what happens to her. you could set your watch to this movie. its pathetic. 

welp, he’s dead

i’m going to link this guy’s deconstruction of the weird incestual overtones that are also impossible to miss and interpret without wanting to die. 

im getting exhausted again. this movie is not fun bad. this post is to serve as a warning to the curious. in fact, im going to spoil the end for you, so you truly understand why i’m so fucking mad. i want you, right now, to imagine based on what i’ve told you what the most hackney, cliche, stupid, moronic ending twist could be to this movie about a monster you can’t look at. fully form it in you head. dare to imagine the dumbest thing you can.

ready?

YOU SEE

[lightlorn]

SO LET’S DISCUSS MY THOUGHTS AFTER MY FIRST CHUNK OF REPLAYING BBS.

eraqus:

for him to have a fuller silhouette between the hakama, haori, and weird armor, he sure does seem to have a lean frame. like he’s nowhere near axel’s level of snatched waistedness, but it does appear he’s a bit more compact than you would think at first glance. 

thankfully, this goes hand in hand with my idea that he was more of the rogue/speed-based member of his trio, with xehanort as the tank/strength-based and yen sid as the mage/magic-based. it’s just nothing i really caught in the past.

he’s a lean and sly old fox.

'fear leads to obsession with power, and obsession beckons the darkness.' NOT THAT HE'S SPEAKING OF ANECDOTES FROM HIS OWN LIFE OR ANYTHING. NOT LIKE THAT’S A BIG BIT OF FORESHADOWING/LAMPSHADING WHAT LED TO HIS CONFLICT WITH XEHANORT. NAH IT’S JUST A BIT OF BABBLE FROM A ZEALOT.

legitimately though, as much as eraqus is wrong a lot of times, and is a zealot, there are times he neatly calls what’s going to happen later on. he’s not quite a cassandra, but there is some level of ‘xehanort knew what he was doing driving a wedge between eraqus at his most reasonable and terra at his most vulnerable before tipping them both over the edge.’

‘i care for you like my own son’ same, eraqus.

their affinity sustains me and the tragedy of it all is the worst. thanks, nomura, for making a game about inducing crippling depression in your audience. i’m only just past the enchanted dominion and i am already braced for impact in the worst way.

speaking of world’s dumbest bottom, i have a screencap i will write an entire meta around during terra’s brief stint as maleficent’s puppet but listen. we’re getting there. it gets its own post once i can find the words for it.

aqua:

‘aqua's sense of right and wrong never wavers’ i read, shipping her with the more philosophically grey kokoro and a major antagonist of the series xemnas because i am that predictable femme in fandom.

‘cept you’ve always lived here with us,’ aqua says, lying to ventus’ face. like i don’t know what’s up with that line, if it’s just in the english release or if everyone on lod just... acts like ventus’ life did not exist before he arrived because he cannot remember it. this line just struck me as odd and i have no way to phrase it. 

also i understand completely why fandom is so entrenched in momqua with regards to ven. she literally tells him to go to his room. i misremembered fandom as flanderizing that relationship, but no, it’s legit and i merely forgot. all hail momqua.

aqua sucks at command board and i wasn’t even controlling her this time: a study in mom throwing the game so her little boy can win.

what were aqua and terra doing out there all alone away from the castle during the meteor shower.... how much can my shipper heart take...

kokoro:

everything ever said to terra about darkness, obsession, and fear has absolutely been said to kokoro across the years. unlike terra, however, she is not the dutiful child trying to abide by any old world teachings. 

just to drive it home, kokoro spent nearly two years traveling between worlds without armor. as her uncle outlines, armor protects you from the darkness that is near to the lanes between. no one ever taught her that, her lacking a keyblade and all. this ignorance is something kokoro will surely pay for at some point in her lifetime.

not that her heart did not already have traces of darkness in it before she ever set out in search of the missing wielders. which is what makes me uncomfortable, because she would have had that darkness in her while traversing the dominion. 

maleficent’s domain. 

the mistress of all evil who outright states she can awaken what is inside others. and ‘free them’ to be who they truly are.

i don’t think that bodes well for one dumbass kid far from home.

miscellaneous:

ventus is my son, thank you for understanding.

the land of departure is really pretty and i hope kleffy knew what they were doing having ansem offer eraqus a lotus made of darkness.

the fact that kh3 totally fucked up the layout we see of the castle fucks me up endlessly. i know it might have been a casualty of the rushed development, but just walking right up to the throne room is. :l. lemme see the whole castle as it was originally conceived.

let me in.

LET ME IIIIIINNNNNN! 

the unversed do the naruto run.

[youngjusticeslut]

My Love, My Life

Fandom: Young Justice Links: FF.net // AO3 Characters:  Jade Nguyen, Roy Will Harper, Lian Harper Ships: Light RedCat Summary: All that mattered was that they were alive, and safe. If that meant removing herself from the equation, so be it. Rating: T Word Count: 3,854 words Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these characters.

“Jade, are you sure?” Paula asked, her fingers tightening around the handles of her wheelchair. “Think about it, please.”

Jade didn’t lift her eyes from her mug of tea. She knew her mother would react this way. She knew that she would try to convince her otherwise, to change her mind. Jade was set on her decision, she knew it was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do in this situation.

“Mom,” she warned. “There’s nothing to think about.”

“A baby could be a good thing. A new start,” Paula implored. She wheeled closer to Jade, resting a hand on her shoulder. “You won’t be alone.”

“Won’t I?” Jade scoffed. It’s not like Roy would be there; he didn’t even know this kid existed. The moment that obnoxious plus sign showed up on the stick, she’d grabbed a duffel and penned him a letter saying she was done. Jade wondered if he’d cared when he’d found her things missing, or if he’d just thrown back another bottle of liquor and continued his search. Either way, it hurt.

There were a lot of things Jade wasn’t sure about right now. What she was going to do with her life being one of them. It wasn’t like the Shadows would take her back so willingly, not after she’d betrayed them. She had nowhere to go, nowhere to live. A kid was the very last thing she needed, or wanted. With absolute certainty, the only thing Jade knew was that she wasn’t about to have this baby, his baby, alone.

“You won’t,” her mother promised, squeezing her shoulder hard. “I will help. Artemis will-”

“No,” Jade insisted. “No. I’m not considering this. Tomorrow morning, I’m going to the clinic.”

“You won’t even tell him?”

“Roy doesn’t need to know. Believe me,” Jade said, setting the tea down on the coffee table and standing up to leave. “He won’t even care.”

“You don’t know that. People can change.”

“Why on earth would a baby change him? I tried, Mom. I tried for years.” Jade couldn’t disguise the bitterness in her voice. Her mother could preach all the wanted, but Paula hadn’t been there. She hadn’t lived with him. She hadn’t begged him to come to bed, to forget about Speedy for just a few hours so he could rest. She hadn’t cooked for him, despite being unable to cook anything with more than three steps of preparation, because if she hadn’t, he wouldn’t have eaten anything. She hadn’t kissed him so hard just to bring him back, for only a minute or two, to be the man who had convinced her there was more to life than following other people’s orders.

“He’s gone,” Jade said, her shoulders sinking as she turned away. “A baby won’t bring him back.” The squeak of her mother’s wheelchair edging closer made her want to jump out the window and never look back.

“Jade, please. Look at me.”

“Mom-”

“Look at me.” When she didn’t, Paula grabbed her hand and turned her with a ferocity that Jade had forgotten she possessed. “When things get hard, you run. You think that it’s that easy? I know you’d love nothing more than to get rid of this child and move on with your life. But you can’t-”

“I can.”

“Enough, Jade,” Paula snapped in Vietnamese. Jade frowned; Vietnamese meant that Paula wasn’t in the mood for argument. “This isn’t something you can run from.”

Jade narrowed her eyes, snatching her hand away. “So what am I supposed to do, have this baby? Are you insane?” She crossed her arms over her chest, trying to ignore the nauseous churning in her stomach. “The moment this kid is out of me, the Shadows will come after it. Or maybe they won’t even wait that long. I wonder how long a pregnant person can last in a fight.”

“They won’t come after you,” Paula waved off.

“You’re a fool if you think that.”

“I was in the Shadows a lot longer than you were, I would know.”

“You didn’t betray them,” Jade spat.

“And what, you think that betrayals aren’t a common thing? Stop making excuses, Jade. If you want this child, we will make it work.”

Jade was about to retort back, but she paused. What did want have to do with anything? Having this child wasn’t a possibility; not in her line of work, at least. In her entire life, she’d never even entertained the thought of being a mom. What kind of shit mom would she make, anyway? Any kid she mothered would hate her before they were old enough to talk. And yet, if Roy were himself… she would have considered it.

“I’m not having this baby without its father,” she insisted, balling her fist. “And he’s in no position to be one.”

“Then go back to him, Jade. Set him right again.”

Jade shook her head before going to the door. “I can’t.” She rested her hand on the knob, letting out a shallow breath. “Not until I’ve found the real Roy Harper.”

--

Calling in her chips to find a lead on the original Harper had been the easy part.

Jade made use of every minute she wasn’t visibly showing and tracked down every potential favor she had. In a matter of months, she already had a solid idea of where to go next. When the baby started to kick, she put Cheshire away for a second time and rented an apartment in Star City. Roy didn’t live there anymore, but having their baby in the city in which he’d spent most of his time felt right.

Being pregnant was the harder part. If she had a choice between single handedly taking down a hundred Shadow lackeys or dealing with morning sickness for a week, she’d readily pick the former. At least then she knew what she was getting into. Nevertheless, she persevered through it. The baby was going to have enough of a difficult time with her and Roy as its genetic parents, the least she could do was give them their best chance at being born healthy. That meant going to every checkup, taking every uncomfortable test, and especially restraining herself from pushing too hard in her exercise regimen.

Paula begged her to stay in Gotham, but Jade knew that she wanted to be alone. She hadn’t even told Artemis. Sometimes she thought about popping in on her, given that her sister’s place at Stanford was so close. She changed her mind every time; Artemis didn’t need her pregnant sister making her life any more stressful. She was already upset at her as it was for leaving Roy. When Artemis had found out, she’d made a point to find Jade and attempt to talk some sense into her. She kept her mouth shut tight; Jade would tell her when the time was right.

At first, she put off finding out about the gender. Jade told herself she didn’t care what they were having. The bigger she got, the less she found it to be true. During her sixth month sonogram, she caved and asked.

The technician smiled. Her name was Linda something and she smelled of lavender. “Of course, Mrs. Harper. Give me just a few minutes.”

Jade tried her best not to grimace. When Roy proposed, he’d asked if she planned to change her name. Jade told him that if he ever so much as thought about it again, she would take a sai to his throat; it had almost made him smile. Jade Harper was the dumbest sounding name she could conceive of. The irony that she was using it for all her doctor’s appointments didn’t escape her. As far as they knew, she was Jade fucking Harper and her husband adored her but worked too often to attend any of her appointments.

She wished it were true.

Linda looked closely at the screen, slowly moving the wand around on her stomach. After a few moments, she nodded in triumph.

“You’re having a girl. Congratulations.”

“Is she okay?”

“She’s perfectly healthy. Nothing to worry about.”

Jade let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.

--

“I’m not sure whether to congratulate you, or kill you.”

“Either option carries its pros and cons, Crusher.”

Jade hadn’t been too surprised when her father met her outside the doctor’s office after one of her appointments. She knew it would only be a matter of time before he found out, and honestly she was impressed that it had taken him this long. Either Paula had told him, or her dad really did keep tabs on her. She wasn’t sure which one annoyed her most.

“Seems you’ve gotten yourself into quite a mess, little girl,” her father growled, keeping up with her brisk walking pace. “Pregnant with the clone’s kid. Who woulda thought?”

“Lian,” Jade corrected. “Her name is Lian.”

Lawrence rolled his eyes. “How original. Does she even know?”

“Nope. If you know what’s good for you, you won’t tell her.”

Her skin crawled at his amused expression, and she wished that she could gouge his eyes out for the way he looked at her stomach.“Don’t think you’re in much of a position to be making threats, Jade. Besides, I have better things to do with my time.”

It took a remarkable amount of control to keep Jade from attacking him in public. It was moments like this that she knew laying low was the worst decision she’d ever made. “What do you want, Dad?”

“Just wanted to see how my little girl was doing. Thought I’d take her out to lunch, make sure she was eating for two.”

“I’d rather get hit by a truck.”

“Coffee, then.”

“I don’t drink coffee.” She walked faster, but it didn’t help. Given her condition, he could outpace her without even trying.

“Jade.” Lawrence grabbed her arm, stopping her from going any further. “You know you can’t have this kid.”

“Watch me.”

--

Lian looked like her father.

Jade held the infant in her arms, still in a state of shock despite delivering her hours ago. The hospital was quiet, given that it was just past three in the morning. People were probably sleeping. Lian was sleeping too, nestled in her thin arms without a care in the world. Jade couldn’t even think of sleep. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from her daughter, unable to believe that she’d made something so small, so innocent.

Babies were supposed to cry when they were born. That’s what Jade had thought, at least. Imagine the panic she’d felt when no cry came. She’d resolved herself to the worst, but then the infant coughed and the doctors announced she was just fine. Jade hadn’t let her go since.

She ran her fingers along her daughter’s feathery hair, wanting to cry at how red it was. Roy should be here, and in that moment she hated herself for not telling him. She hated herself, and yet she knew she’d made the right decision. Roy was in no place to raise Lian, not yet at least. Their daughter deserved the world, she deserved everything that she could give her. She deserved much better than a broken father.

It was good that Jade had done this alone. Artemis would have teased her for the way she cried when she first held her. Paula would have cried with her, and Jade would have just felt guilty. No, she didn’t regret any decision she’d made regarding how Lian was born. For now, she was hers, and hers alone. Jade wouldn’t have given that up for the world.

In a few weeks, she’d follow up on those leads. She would do everything in her power to find the original Roy and bring her Roy back to himself. But for now, Jade was content to just hold Lian and press her lips to her head, promising that she’d make everything right.

For her, she had to.

--

If she were being honest, Roy and her didn’t make a bad team.

Artemis looked about ready to call child protective services when Jade had told her that Roy and her were parents. Jade didn’t blame her. On paper, Roy and her were the last people who should have ever been given the responsibility of a baby. Somehow, they made it work out in their own way.

It wasn’t anything close to normal. Between finding the original Roy Harper and her sister’s faked death, tension had been a constant presence in their new apartment. Her Roy still wasn’t completely back to himself, but he was getting better. Some nights he still refused to sleep, but instead of turning to heroin and alcohol, he held their daughter and rocked her. More often than not, Lian slept between them, both of them on the alert and ready to protect her if need be.

They still fought, but they always would. Lian would laugh if voices were raised, and Jade would smirk at the wary look on Roy’s face. He was convinced it wasn’t normal, but what could she say? It was genetic.

Roy was better with Lian than she was. He knew what she wanted when she cried, something Jade still had difficulty deciphering. Roy had more patience for her games, repeated back her baby talk with vivid encouragement and was happy to do the annoying things. Jade did her best not to show just how content she was. He was finally happy, with a new purpose. Not that she’d ever admit it, but her mother had been right.

“Jade?”

“In the kitchen,” she responded, rinsing out the last of Lian’s bottles and setting it on the drying rack. Roy had taken Lian to the park with Kaldur. Out of respect, she kept her distance from the Atlantean. She hadn’t completely forgiven him for the stunt he’d pulled with Artemis.

“Mama!” Jade turned to see Lian, wobbling to her on unsteady feet. She’d just started walking and insisted on doing so everywhere that she could. Jade bent to her knees and scooped up Lian as she came closer, kissing her cheeks. She pretended not to notice the tender look on her husband’s face as she did so.

“Did you have fun at the park with Daddy?”

The toddler nodded enthusiastically and Jade picked her up , resting her against her hip. “She was good?”

Roy nodded, taking a water bottle out of the fridge. “She’ll be out any minute. Poor Kal, I think she wore him out more than he did her. She had both of us chasing her, and she’s fast, Jade.”

“Maybe she’s the daughter of the other redhead,” she noted without thinking. They both fell quiet as they realized the impact of what she said, but Roy kissed her cheek and broke it first.

“Can’t be. She likes arrows too much.”

“Rows,” Lian chirped, looking around for the objects. Jade shook her head and smoothed down her hair.

“Not yet, kid. Not until you’re three.”

“Jade.”

“Fine, six.”

“Doesn’t that terrify you?” Roy asked, opening up the water bottle and taking a long drink. When he finished, he wiped his mouth and looked back at Lian. He’d been right, she was starting to fall asleep. “She’s going to have both our skill sets. She’ll be a menace.”

Jade held her daughter closer, unable to answer. There were plenty of things that terrified her; Lian taking their mantle wasn’t one of them.

--

“I think she’s growing less ginger by the day.”

“Shut up, Dad.” Jade watched Lian climb the steps to the slide, keeping a careful eye in case she should fall. They were the only ones in the park, but she was always on alert. Her father sitting on the bench beside her certainly didn’t help. Oddly enough, he was watching after Lian just as intently as she was.

“How’s the clone?”

“None of your concern.” He was going by Will, now. Artemis had moved in with them six months ago, so her and Will decided it was time to purchase a house. They chose Star City, figuring it was only right to come full circle. Lian adored their new home almost as much as she adored having her aunt and Brucely around full time.

After a little while, Lawrence sighed and broke his gaze away from Lian, instead looking directly at Jade. “How long do you think you can keep this up, little girl? You can’t play house forever.”

Jade narrowed her eyes, refusing to meet his gaze and instead continuing to watch as Lian slid down the slide and squealed in glee.

“Jade.”

“I don’t want to hear it.”

“Jade, they’ll find out. You may be an idiot, but you’re not stupid enough to think that they’ll never come after you.”

He was right. It hurt all the more, coming from him. Lian clambered off the slide and immediately went to the steps to go again. She’d just turned two last week.

“I don’t want to leave them.”

“You don’t have a choice, little girl. You made your bed when you betrayed them. Now you have to live with it. It’s either you, or them, Jade.”

“There has to be another way,” Jade insisted, finally looking at her father. His expression bore the same sourness it usually did, but it lacked the mocking malice it often carried with it.

“Not this time, Jade. If you want them safe, you have to go back.”

She turned her head away so he wouldn’t see the tears burning in her eyes. Lian cheered again as she flew down the slide. When she finished, she ran up to Jade, grinning ear to ear. “Mommy! See me? See?” she chirped.

Jade nodded but found herself unable to smile. “I did, Li. I did.”

--

Will slept beside her, his arm heavy on her waist. He’d taken her and Lian to see his new office today. Bowhunter Security, he called it. If she hadn’t been so distraught at what she was about to do, she would have told him how proud of him she was. He had everything he ever needed here. A home, a family, and now a business.

She was about to destroy everything.

Carefully, she untangled herself from his hold, going slow so she wouldn’t wake him up. The last thing she wanted was a confrontation. He wouldn’t forgive her either way, but at least this way she wouldn’t have to see his face. When she was out of the bed, she plucked her duffle bag out from under it and went to the kitchen to get dressed.

Brucely stirred as she entered the kitchen and padded up to her. She didn’t particularly care for the dog, but she gave it a gentle pat to try and convince him to go back to sleep. It worked. He wasn’t too much of a barker, so she wasn’t worried on that front. It was odd getting dressed in front of a dog, but what could she do? She couldn’t risk waking anyone up.

The baseball cap felt heavier than it ever had before. She kept telling herself that this was the right thing to do, that she was doing it for them. Lian and Will would have each other, that was what mattered. They had each other, and Artemis and the dog and all their friends. Jade was just extra, they would be just fine without her there. Lian was young, she would forget her mother in a few months. Artemis would serve as a good enough, maybe even better, replacement.

Jade hoisted her duffel on her shoulder and went to say goodbye to her daughter. It was likely that she’d wake her up, but it didn’t matter. She wanted to hold her one last time, lost in her own thoughts, just as she had on the night she was born. Jade opened the door to Lian’s room, her heart aching at how lavish it was. Will and her had given Lian everything she would need outside of spoiling her, both of them agreeing to give Lian the childhood they never had.

Her daughter slept peacefully in her new bed. She’d outgrown the crib a few weeks ago. It made things easier now. Jade set the duffel on the floor and crawled in beside her, lifting Lian up into her arms and holding her tight against her chest. Just as expected, the toddler stirred. “Mommy..?” she mumbled.

“It’s okay, Li. It’s just me. Mommy missed you.”

Lian yawned and nodded, resting her head against Jade. “Mommy okay?”

Jade nodded, running her fingers through her auburn hair. No, she would never be okay. Not with this. “Yeah. Don’t you worry,” she whispered, kissing her head sweetly.

“Okay. Love you.” Within moments, she was asleep again, her hand clutching onto her mother’s shirt. Jade ran She was better off without her. Will was all she would need. He and her sister would make sure that she was safe and taken care of. They’d make sure she was loved, and protected at all costs. Jade would be doing her part, but from the outside.

All that mattered was that they were alive, and safe. If that meant removing herself from the equation, so be it. Not a day would go by that she wouldn’t think about her, but it wouldn’t matter. Lian was more important, she was her life now. She’d do whatever it took to protect her.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket; Lawrence was waiting for her outside.

If there was ever a time to cry, it would have been as she tucked Lian back into bed, alone. Jade was past tears now. She’d made her choice, and it was the right one. Jade bent down and kissed Lian’s head one last time, her fingers still buried in her hair.

I love you. So much.

Jade thought it, but she couldn’t bring herself to say it. If Lian woke up again, she’d never leave her. She straightened up, Lian’s hair slipping through her fingers as she pulled away. Without looking back, she picked up her duffel and opened the window, climbing through with relative ease.

She met Lawrence at the end of the street. His face pinched in annoyance as she finally arrived. “Took you long enough,” he muttered.

Jade narrowed her eyes, pushing away the thoughts of the sleeping family she’d left behind. “You mentioned a new partner?”

“They won’t be easy on you. You’ve gotten yourself quite a reputation, little girl,” he noted, shoving his hands in his pockets as he began to walk.

Jade lowered the baseball cap over her eyes. “Do they know?”

“Not the specifics. You’ll have to be careful.”

“So I can’t come back.”

“No, Jade.”

Jade nodded, resisting the urge to look back at the house. It wouldn’t do her any good. When it was safe, she’d come back to see her again from a distance. Maybe she’d run into Artemis, get her to tell her something about her daughter. It would have to be good enough.

“Then let’s get it done.”

[some1onao3]

This is one of the dumbest, stupidest, shittiest, most absurd and ridiculous conspiracy theories I have EVER heard, but the most fucked up thing is that there are people who actually find this bullshit idea interesting and worth investing. How in the bloody hell can Jason Todd, someone who is 19 according to the new timeline and at MOST in his early 20s, have a 12-13 y/o son? Did he somehow conceive Damian when he was...like 10? And could someone please just time travel and hold Judd Winick at gun point and make him erase that Jason sleeping with Talia scene because for the love of all things holy, Talia IS Jason's mother figure. She gave Jason his 2nd life, took care of him, and taught him things. She also had a relationship with Jason's dad and gave birth to Jason's little brother. I don't care what Fudd Winick wants to believe, that is freaking incest as far as I'm concerned and what even...

[homestuckexamination]

The End of Homestuck: Rapture

Alright then, as I’ve mentioned, I wanted to debate a few points I’ve heard about the Ending, consider it a sort of bonus celebrating over 2000 Posts and 1000 Followers!

But before I say anything, let me preface this by saying: This is not trying to make you like the Ending, rather it’s trying to make you realize why you dislike the Ending. There’s very valid criticisms to the Ending and the Story as a whole and you can just dislike the direction it took- But what I want is debunk a few things the Fandom seems to have really clung to that I think are extremely hollow and just, outright false at times.

So let’s begin, shall we?

The Retcon created a Timeline where everyone’s struggles had been solved, and the characters in it were vastly different from how they used to be.

This one is sincerely one of my biggest Pet Peeves, and I’ve talked about it partially before. A general consensus is that the Retconned Timeline solved every single key problem the Characters on the Meteor had, destroyed Character Development shown for those Characters, and thus, created versions of themselves that were vastly different. Vriska planted herself as a Miracle Solved and everyone lived Happily Ever After.

Except this really is not the case, at all. Vriska’s presence was ultimately extremely useful to disable Jade without killing her. For everyone else, no problems are fixed, and the conception that they do is, I feel, a heavy misunderstanding of what the characters actually struggle with. Let’s go one by one.

Rose and Alcoholism

This is a major one because we see Vriska literally smack a glass right off of Rose’s hand and slam it. Many people don’t even know why Vriska would do something like that, but they just straight up assume this deterred Rose from getting drunk, and instantly fixed every problem she ever had. This is an awful misreading of where Rose’s true problems lie.

“ROSE: And it was all mixed up with feelings of conflict and remorse over my mother.

ROSE: I sort of ran with it too? ROSE: The habit, I mean. For a while at least. ROSE: I was still distraught about losing her. And wanted to understand her. ROSE: To connect with her, in some way. And I guess that was the only idea I had.“

“ROSE: This almost makes it official. ROSE: I have no comprehensible path. There's nothing to overcome, no lesson to learn, no cathartic light at the end of this preposterous tunnel. ROSE: Not for me, at least! ROSE: I seriously have the DUMBEST arc anyone could conceivably imagine.“

“ROSE: I think my quest was fundamentally bound to the nature of this land, which was customized to the profile, needs, and potential for growth of a thirteen year-old girl. ROSE: But I'm not that person anymore. ROSE: What if I ROSE: What if I just ROSE: Didn't bother doing it? ROSE: Like, ever? ROSE: Would anyone notice my dereliction? ROSE: Would the powers that be strike me down where I loaf? ROSE: What if I just said fuck it?“

“DAVE: she sees this quest all neatly laid out for her wrapped in a bow DAVE: fuck it even looks like its made for little kids with like pink turtles and rainbows and shit DAVE: like here you go princess its babys first quest DAVE: almost like it was designed to piss her off DAVE: sburb says here, self improvement delineated and made comprehensible enjoy your cookie cutter odyssey DAVE: so because shes rose she goes no fuck my quest DAVE: literally starts wrecking shit DAVE: and maybe that itself was always her quest“

Rose’s problems aren’t with Alcoholism. They’re with her regret over her Mother, what she has Done up until this point, and her Purpose to the overall story she finds herself in. Alcohol is a way for her to ‘connect’ with her deceased mother, to prepare herself to meet Roxy, and at the same time, to take a weight off her shoulders, to not have to Think about what she’s supposed to do. She’s stressed, anxious and has severe doubts about her Self. Vriska just wanted a functional Seer for the Upcoming Battle, but this underlying unease that’s what drove her to Alcoholism in the first place is not gone.

Terezi and Gamzee

Post-Retcon, Terezi never gets together with Gamzee. Vriska keeps her in check as her Moirail, Gamzee is tied up and suppressed, she never falls for his abuse, nor does she unblind herself. However if you think this solves Terezi’s problems in the slightest I don’t know what to tell you, really.

“GC: 1 DON'T KNOW WH4T 1S WRONG W1TH M3 GC: TH4T 1 C4N'T JUST S4Y STUFF L1K3 TH4T, D1R3CTLY TO P3OPL3 GC: TH3Y C3RT41NLY DON'T 4PP34R TO H4V3 TH4T PROBL3M

GC: 1 W4S JUST P1SS3D 4BOUT YOUR 4TT1TUD3 OF C3RT41NTY GC: 4ND 4NGRY 4T MYS3LF FOR NOT H4V1NG 1T GC: 1 TH1NK 1T'S SOM3TH1NG 1 N33D3D 1N MY L1F3 GC: 3V3N 1F 1T C4M3 FROM SOM3ON3 3LS3

GC: 1 N3V3R F3LT WHOL3 GC: 1 ST1LL DON'T GC: 4ND YOU M4D3 1T SO 1 D1DN'T H4V3 TO F4C3 TH4T F33L1NG GC: FOR 4 WH1L3 4T L34ST GC: 4ND NOW TH4T 1 TH1NK 1 KNOW TH1S 4BOUT MYS3LF GC: 1 TH1NK 1 G3T 1T GC: TH3 F33L1NG W1LL PROB4BLY N3V3R GO 4W4Y GC: ONLY COV3R3D UP 4T MOST, M4YB3 GC: W3 COULD W1N TH1S F1GHT GC: CR34T3 4NOTH3R UN1V3RS3 GC: SUCC33D 1N 3V3RY W4Y POSS1BL3 GC: 4ND 1'LL ST1LL F33L 1NCOMPL3T3“

“TEREZI: OH PL34S3 TEREZI: WH4T COULD YOU POSS1BLY N33D M3 FOR?

TEREZI: 1 DONT TH1NK 1 W1LL B3 V3RY US3FUL

TEREZI: 1 DONT H4V3 MUCH TO OFF3R 3V3N ON MY B3ST D4Y”

Just like Rose’s issues, Terezi’s run deeper than just her getting together with Gamzee and ‘fixing’ her blindness. It’s a deep insecurity about herself, which exists there both Pre and Post Retcon, and being with Vriska is but a Temporary Fix. She needs to experience what Game Over Terezi did in order to even bring herself to join the final fight, and even after that, she still goes to track after Vriska, after everything is done.

Karkat, Relationships, Leadership.

So, Dave and Karkat get together in the Post Retcon Timeline, so there’s no Relationship Drama with Terezi, and Vriska takes over the Meteor’s leadership, leaving Karkat to chill. This seems uncharacteristic of him, even, except that, of course, he doesn’t just give up to his role as a Leader.

“KARKAT: WOW! HAHA, HA, HAHAHAHA! ME LEADER?? TOO FUNNY! KARKAT: I AM ENTIRELY AND SINGULARLY BAFFLED THAT IT COULD STILL EVEN *OCCUR* TO ANYONE TO ENTERTAIN THE NOTION THAT I MIGHT STILL BE PLAYING *ANY* ROLE EVEN WITHIN SNIFFING ORBIT OF A LEADERSHIP POSITION OF THIS RIDICULOUS PARTY. KARKAT: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I DID *ANYTHING* OF A LEADER-LIKE NATURE, WITHOUT BEING TRUMPED BY VRISKA'S MACHIAVELLIAN LIMELIGHT GLUTTONY? KARKAT: OR FOR THAT MATTER, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THERE WAS ACTUALLY ANYTHING LEADERY *TO* DO, THAT DIDN'T INVOLVE SNUGGLING UP ON THE COUCH TO WATCH "GOOD LUCK CHUCK" FOR THE FIVE HUNDREDTH TIME?! KARKAT: I HAVE SERIOUSLY JUST BEEN ASSUMING HER COMPLETE TAKEOVER OF ALL LEADERSHIP DUTIES WAS SOME FAIT ACCOMPLI SHIT FOR THREE SOLID YEARS, AND HAVE SINCE BEEN ENJOYING THE PEACE AND QUIET OF ZERO RESPONSIBILITIES, WHICH IS WHY QUITE FRANKLY, I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO KEEP MY BLOOD PRESSURE DOWN, AND NOW RESEMBLE THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF PEACE AND FUCKING TRANQUILITY WHICH PRESENTLY BASKS BEFORE YOU IN A STATE OF FROTHING, EUPHORIA-HOBBLED TURDVANA!!!!!!!!“

He’s extremely obviously bitter about being left out of the loop, and hurt about not being the Leader anymore. He jumps at the opportunity to go beat Lord English up without a second thought, and leads the initial charge, which doesn’t end exactly well for him. Echidna does, however, imply that Karkat will have an important part in actually leading the new Troll Civilization. Karkat is not the best leader when it comes to a War-like battle scenario- But if his conversation with Terezi after finding her Unblinded is anything to go by, he’s a great Emotional Leader. Even Pre-Retcon where all the Problems Happened and there was Terezi Drama, he provided support to her and got along with Dave, even if it took a little while. Being cast from his position as a Leader Frustrates him heavily, and digs deeper into the Doubt he displayed after he started having the realization that the Cancer was his fault. He’s frustrated, more impulsive than before, and even though he has Dave to back him up, it’s still tough.

Dave. Just. Dave.

Honestly, there’s not much of a difference between Game Over and Post Retcon Dave, is there? He’s dating Karkat, sure, but there’s not much else. If anything, the major difference comes later on, with the Dogfight vs the Jackfight. We learn from his talk with Dirk about his hatred for Bro, his dislike for fighting, the sound of metal, the sight of blood. His hatred of Heroism because of him, and it ties well to him not wanting to use his Time Powers or Fight Jade- Training him to become stronger, Grimbark Jade basically wanted to do the same to him as Bro had been doing since he was born. But he does grab his weapon- When he knows he can bring Jade back, if he just snatches her away from the Dogs. This leads to his Death. On the other hand, though, when he fights the Jacks, he has managed to actually have a Heart-to-Heart with Dirk, and vent about everything that’s been tormenting him. This fight, too, ends with him breaking the Unbreakable Katana and Decapitating Dirk, before warping him away from the fight so he could be put back together by Jane afterwards. There’s a Catharsis for Dave, but as he tells Dirk, it’ll probably just keep building back up for a few years before needing a feels jam again. He got enough of a resolution, but his problems weren’t gone, and even if they were gone, they’re not gone by the nature of the Retcon, rather, by the nature of Meeting Dirk, which he was actively prevented from doing so in the Game Over Timeline. This is a development we also see on-screen, so there can’t be much of a complaint about it, right?

Kanaya

Without Rose Drunk and with Gamzee restrained, Kanaya’s focus post-Retcon returns to the Matriorb and rebuilding Troll Civilization. This is a tricky one, because you could say that Vriska did help Kanaya with this, and it is true that, by proxy, Kanaya didn’t have to do as much in the Meteor. But, these aren’t her Problems, rather they are things she helped with, and furthermore the presence of Vriska in general poses a problem for Kanaya. Still bitter about her old Red Crush on her, and with her being Meddlesome and butting in on her and Rose, she expresses explicit distaste when talking to her. Vriska is just up in everyone’s business and being a nuisance more than she’s an actual help. As for the Matriorb, well, with the issues leading up to Game Over they didn’t even have the possibility to focus on Troll Repopulation, so it’s a thing that’s brought up exclusively in the Post-Retcon Timeline. This is solved effortlessly, which actually brings new thoughts and issues to the table!

“KANAYA: So Instead Of All That KANAYA: Its Just KANAYA: Handed To Me KANAYA: Like A Nice Present ROXY: yes KANAYA: I Dont Know What To Say KANAYA: This Changes So Much KANAYA: About Everything I Thought I Had To Do”

Kanaya suddenly isn’t as sure about fighting, with the responsibility she suddenly has- Yet Roxy encourages her to go take down Condy. This is paralleled by Davepeta telling Jade to just do what she wants to do! But more on this later. 

Vriska vs (Vriska)

The hottest topic of the Retcon. Vriska’s Character Development is absolutely ruined by her being brought back, and you know what? I do agree with this! But that’s the thing though- I think this is good? Like. A lot of people complain about Vriska coming back and fixing everyone’s problems and being glorified, but as I’ve just displayed up above, Vriska is anything but Glorified. She’s forced everyone to do what she wants without actually solving any problem, she’s pushy, she’s cocky, and then we have a literal confrontation between her and (Vriska)...

“VRISKA: 8e quiet. I'm talking. VRISKA: Look at you. VRISKA: Just looooooook at you. VRISKA: How completely pathetic. (VRISKA): What? (VRISKA): What's your pro8lem?! VRISKA: My pro8lem is you make me fucking sick. “

“(VRISKA): I'm not a loser though! (VRISKA): I LIKE who I've 8ecome. (VRISKA): I actually feel happy and good a8out my life for the first time in... may8e forever?? (VRISKA): Like, ACTUALLY good a8out my life in a way that feels real, instead of forced. Don't you realize that's what it was like for us? VRISKA: You don't have a life! VRISKA: You're DEAD, remem8er?”

The Vriska vs (Vriska) interaction is one of my favorite parts of the entire Webcomic, because we have the Cocky Vriska that never actually developed positively, facing the Vriska that actually did have personal growth. Furthermore, neither the Plan to fight in the Session goes as she planned, nor does she gather the Army, or even lead it for most of the part, and ultimately her contribution to the Final Fight is to literally open the Juju Chest. She Steals the Spotlight, and the only ones to actually glorify this are the people in the Fandom. Everyone else within the story actually suffers more than they are actively helped by Vriska’s Actions, and that is what makes me absolutely love her leading towards the Ending. She’s the Savior Figure that comes back from the Dead to fix everything stereotype, except she actually barely fixes anything, and is an actively toxic force for most of the characters. Meanwhile (Vriska), after Aranea leaves them, actually does introspection about what she’d been doing and positively changes, culminating with a reunion with GO! Terezi. That is the culmination of Vriska’s Character Arc, Terezi Remem8er, and Vriska going for Lord English is ultimately detrimental for her Character. You can dislike that Vriska’s character ended up like that, but that’s the thing, saying that’s a bad part of the story is subjective, because it’s the obvious intention of the story to display this duality between Vriska and (Vriska)!

Not only that, but all I’ve said about these characters, about Pre vs Post Retcon, is entirely taken from canon statements by the Characters, straight up saying their problems in one way or another, and by the way their actions shape the stories. Both Pre and Post Scratch display the effects of the Characters’ deeper issues in different situations, how they cope with them and how they work towards solving them. You know why they all seem to fix their issues more Post-Retcon than Pre-Retcon? Because they don’t Die. It’s not that they’re even that differently developed, they simply get further. Rose was already talking to Kanaya about her issues before Game Over, Terezi was working towards fixing things and ultimately led to John’s Retcon Quest, they had different issues, stemming from the same main struggles, and that did not change at all.

I’d like to close this section with a quote by Hussie on Character Writing.

“I think writing in voice is pretty simple. It's mostly about consistency. Choosing a set of parameters and committing to them absolutely. [...] The advantage in being so obstinate with the profile you choose is then any deviation you make will be very noticeable. This is to your advantage, if you can control these deviations with purpose and precision."

And honestly? Dave still feels like Dave. Rose still feels like Rose. Terezi still feels like Terezi. The deviation from their core character is minor, and these deviations are, in turn, explored and talked about with their interactions, putting some context to what they’re doing and what they’re striving for. Honestly, I feel a lot of the issues with Game Over and the Post-Retcon Timeline come from the fact they were the... Post-Gigapause Updates, and a lot of people just forgot a lot of stuff. But let’s move on, this first section has gone on for WAY TOO LONG.

Act 7 wasn’t a satisfying conclusion to the story. Plot Threads and Character Arcs were dropped entirely, and everything was left incredibly ambiguous.

Let’s start this by pointing something out: Act 7 wasn’t actually the End of Homestuck. One of the reasons Act 7 might feel bad is the fact that a lot of things aren’t solved. And that’s alright, because Act 7 isn’t the Ending of the Characters’ Stories, nor is it the end of everything that happens. Act 7 is the culmination of Calliope’s purpose, the Finale brought to Lord English’ Alpha Timeline, and the Ending of the SBURB Session the Kids have played. Hell- The Credits, without even going to the Post-Canon Snapchat Updates, shows us that there’s still obviously more going on. Terezi is still looking for Vriska, Aradia, Sollux and Davepeta are missing too, John is depressed because he has nothing to do, Caliborn is being an asshole through Snapchat occasionally. 

The thing is that a lot of Plot Threads weren’t actually solved in Act 7, rather they were solved before Act 7, sometimes even extremely unceremoniously, like with Caliborn’s Masterpiece. And most important events in Homestuck? We’ve actually seen how they begin, and how they end. There’s ambiguity in the way you go from point A to point B, as well as some Timeline Weirdness with some things, again, like Caliborn’s Masterpiece.

Additionally, a few things about the Final Battle, the fate of Vriska and Lord English and Paradox Space, have been left ambiguous, and this is not unintentional. You may dislike ambiguous endings, and that’s honestly, perfectly okay? The ambiguity, or the ‘anticlimax’, you can dislike it, but the spite held against the Ending is, mostly, subjective tastes?

This however, doesn’t even touch one of the most important things about the Ending, and that is, that we don’t have the Epilogue yet. We’ve been left with nearly the whole picture, nearly the whole Puzzle of Homestuck, laid out before our eyes, and there are still some pieces missing that could come from the Epilogue! But even without it, I do believe we have enough pieces to put most of the picture together, enough that the rest of holes becomes sort of, obvious, or easy to interpret in different ways? The Epilogue could offer closure to the things we don’t know about, but what I’ve seen around, mostly, is that instead of trying to give closure to these open questions about the story, people have rather resorted to getting angry at the whole of the comic! This is, really, the aggravating attitude that’s made me make this post in the first place trying to debunk some of the more popular Ending Criticism. If you have any specific ‘We don’t know how this happened!’ question, feel free to send me an Ask and we can talk about it! In fact, let me answer to one of those Asks right now.

“What happened to LE?” Unless the Epilogue does pull a switcheroo, the Ending obviously assumes he has been defeated. The symbolism of the Treasure taking the shape of a Cueball and LE’s eyes becoming 8-Balls, with the Breach as the ‘Pocket’ certainly implies he’s been cast into the Black Hole, but there could’ve been more of a fight! Does the Treasure open to free the Souls of the Kids? Does it just Attack Him? That is something that’s left up to the imagination at the very least until the Epilogue happens, and instead we’re left with the image of the Kids Happy on Earth-C- It doesn’t quite matter how he’s defeated, because we know that he has been defeated, and the Kids are living happily post-ending. This could change in the Epilogue, yes, but if it does change, then we’ll have more of the story to go, which will mean that wasn’t the True Ending to begin with, yet still leaving us with the tools to build an actual Happy True Ending. That is the beauty of ambiguity in a story when you DO have the pieces to build what happens until the story continues post-canon!

“Does caliborn still turn into LE?” He needs to do so to become Lord English, however the Masterpiece also implies the possibility of our Caliborn and the Caliborn that becomes Lord English being two different Caliborns. This is, again, left ambiguous in the same way LE’s defeat is. We do know he HAS to become LE, and we also KNOW how he becomes LE. But then the seed of doubt is planted- Is it the same Caliborn? And that is how speculation, talk and theories about the Ending spark, still giving a satisfying conclusion because we know it has to happen somehow, but leaving us to ponder about the specifics, without holding back on important pieces of information that we NEED to know.

“Where’s Vriska?” That’s what Terezi is trying to find, and it’ll likely be one of the main points of the Epilogue. The fact she’s still looking for her however, implies that she’s been missing for over three years. She has accomplished what she went out to do, defeat Lord English. Now the question is, will she come back and redeem herself? Or did she fall with Lord English into the Breach, as a Karmic Retribution of all the bad things she has done? Does she deserve the same Fate as the Villain? Or is there still hope for her? For a character as controversial as Vriska, I honestly love that her fate has been left ambiguous so far.

As for Gamzee, I mean he’s extremely devout to LE and he’s fated to become part of him, granting him a Plot Shield. We do know why he’s so hard to kill, and we also know exactly in what way he ends up becoming part of LE. There’s some weird things left Ambiguous, like his Ghosts, but even that it’s speculation that doesn’t necessarily influence the Ending Result.

As I mentioned above? We have most of the Puzzle Pieces, and the ones we don’t have are intentionally left out for us to fill the hole with our own headcanons and theories. I can’t think of any important thing we don’t see the origin or result of, leaving just certain bits in between to the speculation.

But some of the Characters had their Arcs Dropped, didn’t have their problems solved, or were shafted entirely by the story.

Here we start to get into more messy territory with the Criticism Endings, because rather than misunderstanding, a lot of these are opinions! For example, I do agree I would’ve loved seeing some more Jane towards the ending. However I really don’t think anyone was ‘shafted’ by the story. In fact, I’ve heard people mention how Davepetasprite and Jasprosesprite were, somehow, attempts at reducing the amount of characters towards the ending, and like...

What? So you’re saying reducing the amount of characters towards the ending is accomplished... By making new Characters that present us with really interesting nuances and takes on the world of Homestuck? Are you sure about that? Hell, if Hussie really wanted to reduce the amount of characters, he would’ve killed off every Sprite Pre-Retcon, and not brought Rose back from where Roxy buried her. Were Davepeta and Jasprose afterthoughts that weren’t planned? Purrhaps. But they add onto the story, they are not an attempt to reduce anything. That being said, a lot of people that say this also call the Ending ‘rushed’, somehow. Listen buddy, you can’t simply. Rush something like the Ending of Homestuck. It took way too much time to make for it to not be completely premeditated.

A lot of characters, too, have more Depth to their Arcs than people give Hussie credit for, and while they do suffer or while they don’t interact with someone else as much as other people may, that doesn’t mean they are shafted by the story.

But let’s do this one at a time. Let’s begin with Dead Characters, and just let me say that, straight up, having everyone survive at the end wouldn’t have been as satisfying as you may think. Could Equius have learned to stand up for himself? Could Feferi have done more? Yeah, sure. Could the Dancestors have been more developed? That’s also true! But Death and Conflict happen in Homestuck, and you cannot give every character an equal amount of attention. Furthermore, expecting every character to develop positively is also unrealistic and, honestly, bad? The Trickster Arc is a parody of this, in fact, an accomplishment of the innermost desire of have your problems go away, share everything you want to share and just do everything you want! That problem-less happiness for everyone feels forced and uncanny, having everyone come back happily and develop positively would be worse than having some of them die off. The Dancestors, too, are precisely the way they are as examples of stagnant Character Development. Even Aranea and Meenah, which are the most developed of the Dancestors, follow this same tend. Meenah mentions how Aranea acting the way she did is not unlike the stuff she always did, and Meenah struggles with the fact that she cannot change the way she is, and follows after Vriska and not (Vriska) because it’s in her nature to Do Shit. It’s fun to write about further development and AUs! But in the canonical story of the magnitude and with the themes Homestuck touches, you simply can’t develop them all equally and positively. And while they could’ve been given more screen time, also, well. With so many characters it becomes hard to balance time and interactions.

Jade is another character that many feel was shafted by the story, but honestly this is not true? She suffered the 3 Years on the Prospit Ship and Struggled with her nature as a Space Player and what she was supposed to do- Just like most characters struggled with something. And in the end? Against what she thought Paradox Space had stored for her? She woke up happily to a letter by Dave about missing her. She tried to pacify her dogs and played with them the way she wanted rather than being put to sleep or fighting them. She did what she wanted to do, not what she thought she was ‘supposed’ to be doing.

Jake is also a very complex character towards the ending. His insecurities are pushed on him over and over until he nearly gives up his friends- Note, this is the boy that died to protect Jane without a second thought in the Game Over Timeline. Vriska pushes his insecurities and Tavros really doesn’t quite help at all. And in the End? He manages to prove himself to not be a useless fuck-up by defeating the most amount of villains in the Final Battle, rising victorious on top of a pile of defeated, Time-Warping, Meddlesome Felt Members. The task Vriska had given to him as she thought was the least important, and that happened to be one of the most difficult battles without a single doubt. Here, I would’ve personally liked to see more dialog about Jake finding out more self worth? But the sweet reunion with everyone else and with Dirk leading to Act 7, and the return of his Adventurer Persona by the Credits still expose development.

Jane is also mentioned to have been shafted at times. I would’ve loved to see her hug Dad when they reunited, but I’d say we got even more with her clinging to him in Earth-C during Act 7. Other than that, though? One of the things Jane has suffered for the most in the comic is being repressed and controlled. Condy, Jake shoving her in a more than desirable situation for her... However, her meeting with Jade and Callie bring some excitement and fun after being Mind-Controlled for a long time, and her encounter with Nannasprite reinvigorates her with confidence about being a Heroine herself, leading to the final Battle where she proves to be both a powerful healer and aggressor! And by the end, not only is she finally able to do what she wants, she takes over Crockercorp to make it her company as she wanted, and ends up with two lovely Girlfriends.

Indeed, there could be more to them, there could be more dialog, more is better after all! But I don’t think their Arcs are cut short, nor that they’re shafted by the story. Rather they showcase different struggles with reality and with themselves, that they  need to overcome? And as Dave told us, Humans don’t have Character Arcs. They build up confidence towards the Final Battle to finish everything, to win the game together, and then they reunite one last time before passing into the New World. And here they will still have problems, for sure. But at the very least, the Game is finished, and they can leave behind a very unpleasant stage in their lives. Jade was Isolated, Jane was Corrupted, Jake was shamed, but in the end they reunited again, made amends where they needed to, and continue their lives with their unique sets of nuances and problems. John and Terezi, which are given some of the most development, are the two that end the most unhappy, in fact, with John having no purpose anymore and falling to depression, and Terezi obsessively chasing after Vriska still, but this doesn’t mean John’s character was ‘shafted’. His friends still encourage him, Jade still wants to visit him for his Birthday, everyone misses Terezi, they have each other and they all love each other, but internal struggles continue. As the Trickster Arc taught us, it’s something to work on, progressively, not suddenly have it all be fixed, and going through a bit of suffering to reach a happy end doesn’t mean being shafted, either. 

The story conveys what it wants to convey with the characters. Whether you agree with what they convey, or if you’d want there to be more about them, now that’s an entirely different can of worms, and that’s why Fanfiction exists and why you’re not only allowed, but encouraged to give your take on the characters and the story!

The problem with the Ending is that it tried something the Story wasn’t. The ‘Meta’ elements, the ‘Symbolism’, it’s cool, but ultimately feels tacked on/Wasn’t conveyed properly through the story, and as such, made the ending feel bad.

This is honestly one of the criticisms I dislike the most about Homestuck when people talk about the Ending, when people say that Hussie didn’t convey his intent, and trying to make the Ending more Meta is detrimental to the Story as a whole and what ‘got the fans there in the first place’, or the thought that somehow more Meta elements and actual Storytelling can’t coexist.

You can definitely not enjoy thinking deeper about a story! If you just want to check out something different and not dig deeper into the content, that’s absolutely okay! However, I’m sorry, but that is not the kind of story Homestuck is. This is a story that’s been acclaimed by the Fandom for its complexity and its weirdness, and now you’re telling me that the thing you dislike about the ending is that it’s weird and makes you think about the story? That’s paradoxical on its own. But let’s leave that behind. Whether you enjoy the more Meta aspect of stories or if you prefer a story one way or another, it’s all subjective. Let’s go to the main point here.

Hussie. Didn’t convey the kind of story it was? And it’s a disservice to the Fandom to have the Ending be something you have to dig in deeper to understand? Honestly, I don’t even know what to say about this, because this is not even like subjective opinion or disliking the ending, this is a complete misreading of the Canon, of the way the story Explicitly tells us how things work. You can interpret a lot of things in Homestuck in different ways- But you cannot say that there’s nothing to interpret and the Ending is bad because it pretends there is.

This is the story that the Author himself has called both a Creation Myth- Explicitly telling us the point of the story is a tale about Reality and living in this Reality, with explicit in-comic talk about the place people have in a Universe with Predetermination, Existential Struggles of just about everyone. This is the story the Author called “A story that is also a Puzzle”- Inviting us to read through the story while providing some deeper bits of lore we could piece together to get a wider image of what truly is behind Homestuck. This is a story where the Author himself is a Character- Miss me with the ‘not Meta’ stuff, Hussie is a character, explicitly, in-comic, that affects the story extremely directly. Jade escapes literally through the Fourth Wall. Caliborn takes over the literal narrative of the setting. Homestuck acknowledges itself as a story multiple times.

You can dislike this. You can absolutely dislike this, it’s a preference, but call it what it is, you just not enjoying this kind of story, or not enjoying the direction the narrative took in general compared to your expectations. The intent and symbolism of the comic is exposed, canonically, pretty blatantly, and even more blatantly by word-of-god with Hussie’s old Formspring and Tumblr answers, and I bet it will be even more blatant as the new Books with Commentary come out.

By blaming Hussie and the Comic on your general interest in the deeper themes of the narrative, you’re outright misinterpreting Authorial Intent in order to make you feel better about not understanding a story, and at the same time, refusing to even give it a second thought! You’ve reached the Ending, so I’m assuming this a story you enjoyed. If you enjoy it, do you really want to just walk bitterly away without giving it a chance?

That’s yet ANOTHER thing I don’t quite understand about this kind of criticism, and it is... Okay, you get to the Ending, and are disappointed that a lot of stuff you wanted to see happen didn’t happen, but- And this is not as true anymore, but back during the Act 7 Days, there was militant dislike about the Ending to the point of saying it ruined the rest of the story? It honestly feels extremely childish that an Open End to a story as complex as Homestuck could make you hate the entire story instead of wanting to know more about it, to see if you missed something else!

I sincerely do believe that a lot of people just dragged themselves through the Ending because it was an old Fandom they were in and they wanted to see how it ended, but just weren’t invested in the story anymore at that point, so they went in remembering and taking the shallow details, leaving the depth behind, and then were disappointed when their own lack of interest sabotaged their view of the comic.

Homestuck is dense, it is a Story with a ton of Symbolism and a lot of weird themes, but it’s also incredibly charming with its narrative and its characters. And for that, I am not saying that ‘You SHOULD enjoy the Ending, god dammit!’. I’m not saying that at all. As I’ve said multiple times, you can dislike Symbology in Stories, you can dislike the directions the Story took, you can dislike anything about the comic itself!

But do understand, when you give criticism of the Ending, try not to tangle actual criticism about the Story or the Narrative with Subjective Opinions. You can say you dislike how dark Blade Runner is, but you can’t say Blade Runner is a bad movie because it’s dark.

So if you don’t like Act 7, more power to you. But if you prefer to have something you apparently enjoy enough to have gone through it to the ending, ruined by your headcanons, and leave you bitter instead of seeing if there’s something more to the story or if there was something you missed, well. I feel that’s a little bit silly?

But whether you enjoy the Ending and want to dig deeper into the story and what actually happens in Homestuck, or you think I’m just a dumb fangirl reading too much into a dumb Webcomic and would like to tell me, feel free to send me an ask! I sincerely do enjoy debating about the Comic and what happens in it as long as it’s done in a civilized manner.

Thanks for Playing.

[aion-rsa]

The MacGruber TV Series is an Action-Comedy a Decade in the Making

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

You can’t have a naked performer use a flamethrower. 

This is what MacGruber co-creators Jorma Taccone, John Solomon, and Will Forte were told by the fun-killing higher-ups, in no uncertain terms, when they set out to adapt their popular Saturday Night Live sketch-turned-feature-film into a TV series at Peacock.

“We kept having these meetings where people would be like, ‘You know you can’t do this, right?’” Taccone says. “We were just like, ‘Yeah, but… we’re going to do it.’”

Being told to not do something and then doing it anyway is fitting for both petulant action hero MacGruber (played by Forte) and the unlikely franchise he sweatily birthed. The parody of problem-solving TV icon MacGyver was first conceived as a series of SNL sketches by writers Solomon, Taccone, and cast member Forte back in 2007. 

Each of the 10 sketches stars Forte as MacGruber, the woefully underprepared special agent, who intends to use common household objects to defuse a ticking bomb and save his friends. Each and every time, however, he fails–the bomb detonates and everyone is killed. Still, MacGruber and his partner Vicki St. Elmo (Kristen Wiig) somehow always return to try to defuse another bomb, usually accompanied by that respective episode’s guest host (some notable players include Betty White, Seth Rogen, Josh Brolin, Jonah Hill, and Charles Barkley).

MacGruber was a popular enough character to be spun off into a series of Pepsi commercials that featured original MacGyver star Richard Dean Anderson. MacGruber then returned for his titular 2010 film. Directed by Taccone, MacGruber was a love letter to action movies, comedy, and just general absurdity. Like many other SNL adaptations, it was a massive box office failure, but became something of a cult hit. None other than Christopher Nolan (yes, as in Dark Knight Christopher Nolan) counts himself as a MacGruber superfan. 

More than 11 years have passed since MacGruber last graced the pop culture landscape. And yet, the mulletted action hero’s creators couldn’t quite forget him. Taccone, Solomon, and Forte have been passing around a Google Doc for the better part of a decade sharing funny ideas for the character’s next outing. 

“We had so many ideas for a sequel that it was just exciting to sort of put the pieces around and see where things fit based on dumb little one-off ideas that we had highlighted,” Taccone says. “Will (Forte) added triple asterisks to the phrase ‘Whoever smelt it, dealt it.’ It had to be in there somewhere.”

Now the final result of all that brainstorming is set to come to fruition in a sequel: not in the form of a movie, but a TV series. After rotting in prison for a decade (for the petty crime of beating his nemesis, Dieter Von Cunth, to near-death, then firing a rocket launcher at him, throwing him off a cliff, and pissing on his corpse), MacGruber is sprung loose by an American government desperate for his help. MacGruber assembles his old team from the film, Vicki St. Elmo (Wiig) and Dixon Piper (Ryan Phillippe), to take down a mysterious villain from his past: Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth (Billy Zane).

“‘Queeth’ was a name that we had from the very beginning because we just wanted to say, ‘It smells like Queeth in here,’” Taccone says, before adding that their dream was realized by getting the line into episode six. 

Like the film before it, which starred Val Kilmer and Powers Boothe in supporting roles, the TV series brings in some major dramatic star power to earnestly read some very silly lines. Zane follows in Kilmer’s footsteps by embodying a goofily-named villain with some surprising pathos. 

“Billy, at one point, was like, ‘This is one of the hardest roles I’ve ever had.’ And it is that. It’s hard to get the tone of having to say the dumbest shit. Even saying his name is stupid,” Taccone says. “Billy brought this realness to these things. We would have these real actor conversations like, ‘Why do I feel this empty?’ Because it’s the fucking worst day of your life. And you feel it on screen.”

Meanwhile, Laurence Fishburne and Sam Elliott contribute with major roles as well to expand the MacGruber family. Fishburne plays General Barrett Fasoose, a highly-decorated military official who now just happens to be married to MacGruber’s ex-wife, Vicki. Elliott is Perry, MacGruber’s father, who has a fractured relationship with his son. 

“It’s still crazy to me the amount of times I’d ask Laurence why he was doing this,” Taccone says. “With all these guys, they’re actually reading what it is and understanding what the tone is and believing in what we’re trying to do. Which is a very specific needle we’re threading, of a real action movie, but it’s an idiot as your main character and trying to get it all real enough so that it’s funny.”

Having the right actors to buy into MacGruber’s tone is crucial, as the series walks a fine line between sophomoric joke-telling and almost unspeakable violence. Many villains who come across MacGruber suffer a similar fate to Dieter Von Cunth–or worse.

“We were going to have MacGruber’s new move be skinning people alive. And then we were like, ‘That’s too dark,’” Taccone says.

Taccone might be misremembering things as MacGruber does, in fact, skin at least one character alive (or possibly posthumously) offscreen within the show’s first three episodes. He also frequently gets very naked and then stays naked, sometimes for as long as an entire episode’s runtime. 

“(Will) has no shame as a performer,” Taccone says. “Whatever is the funniest version of something, he’ll do it. He is just always giving 150%, and oftentimes that means getting naked and having his testicles exposed, that have to be removed with CG later.”

To temper things a bit, MacGruber borrows a page from seasonal action movies like Die Hard, setting its story during Christmas. Like the movie, the TV series was filmed in Albuquerque so there is no snow to speak of, but the holiday cheer is present all the same, even as MacGruber crushes a henchman’s face in with a boulder until it’s nothing but a pile of bone, blood, and brains. 

According to Taccone, he and the show’s producers always knew they wanted the series to take place at Christmas, continuing the tradition started by Lethal Weapon. Funnily enough, the show will premiere the day after the penultimate episode of another streaming action series set during Christmas. 

“We’re just trying to go up against Hawkeye,” Taccone says. “So you tell (Jeremy Renner), you tell him, ‘We’re fucking coming for you.’”

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MacGruber premieres its eight-episode first season on NBCUniversal streaming service Peacock on Dec. 16, 2021.

The post The MacGruber TV Series is an Action-Comedy a Decade in the Making appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3lqeHgd

[xlardx]

fuck man i gotta share this somewhere

so i’m on vacation in this old ass lake house that my family has been going to for the past 30 years or so. I’ve been coming here since i was a baby, for two weeks every summer. My grandparents recently sold their jet skis so i’ve had no way of getting out on the water and frankly i’m pretty bored of this stupid place anyway. I came up with one of the dumbest, riskiest, and possibly most dangerous ideas i’ve ever conceived. Usually ideas like this get laughed at and scrapped, but not this time. I wanted to sneak out around 2 in the morning, go out to the private beach, and skinny dip. Originally, i was just going to go out and stand on the beach, but hell, where’s the fun in that? So, at around 1:40 in the morning (I was too anxious and excited to wait until 2), on my last day of vacation here, I fucking did it. I opened the downstairs door as quietly as physically possible. My parents and brother were all fast asleep, and I could still here my dad snoring in the living room almost right above me. The loud air conditioning kicked in right as I went to open up the door, giving me additional noise coverage that had fabulous timing. I slipped out the door and closed it behind me and boom- I was out of the house. My legs were shaking worse than they had in a long time- it was my first time sneaking out, after all. I had a towel under one arm and my phone flashlight in my hand. Holy shit.

I got down to the water cautiously- a labyrinth of hills and trees and leaves and possible snakes separated the house from the beach. After a few of the scariest minutes of my life in which I kept chanting to myself “this can’t be real, this can’t be real”, I made it down to the water. It was absolutely fucking gorgeous. The sky was clearer than it had been in recent memory, and the stars shone through like diamonds. The moon was on the other side of the tree coverage, but it still cast down rays of light through the holes in the foliage. A smokestack in the far distance was lit up almost cinematically- it was the one of the prettiest man-made structures i’ve ever seen with the lighting it had. The water was dark, yet each little ripple reflected light from the stars. God, it was so perfect. The waves were peaceful. The only thing you could hear were the bugs in the distance, calling you out for a mate, and the beautifully natural sounds of the beach. I fell in love, but it was still hard to fathom that I was even standing there in the first place. I remembered my foolhardy plan and went to kick off my flip flops and take off my clothes. I hesitated for a good minute- what I was doing was stupid and unnecessarily rebellious, but at the same time, it felt meaningful in some obscure way. I bit the bullet after my paranoia was positive that no one was around to see me and took off my clothes. With shaky hands, feet, and nerves, I stepped into the water. After it had reached about knee depth, I sat down and just about immersed myself in the black expanse. I was afraid to go any further simply because I had no idea what was out there, especially at night. I had no flashlight, no lifeline, and an endless list of reasons as to why I should have just ran back up to the lake house and prayed for forgiveness. Still, though, I sat there and let the water seep into every part of my uncovered body. It was amazing. Then, truly, is when I was able to enjoy my surroundings. The place that I had grown to know so well after going there for 14 years was entirely different at night- different things were accentuated, new sounds arose, and I had none- zero- physical restrictions. Lightning struck in the distance and lit up patches of clouds miles and miles away from my resting place, but it was accompanied by neither thunder nor rain. It only added to the beauty, but at the same time, I believe it was one of my motivations for getting out before I was there for too long. Eventually, my paranoia returned and I was terrified- simply terrified- of getting caught in the position I was in. With reluctance, I stood up in the water and felt more vulnerable than I’ve felt in a long time. I was naked and cold and so utterly exposed- my mother would truly have been ashamed. I clambered up the shore with zeal, dried off, and threw my clothes back on. I had sand covering my feet which spread to my shorts, but I knew i’d be able to wash it out once I got back inside. I checked my phone: 1:51 AM. I undressed at 1:42. Not even a full ten minutes. I felt like a coward in that moment but hell, it was better than getting caught by sneaking back in right as my little brother finished using the bathroom, right?

It was bold and stupid and beautiful and risky- I returned inside and washed my feet off, all the while still trying to remind myself that what had happened was truly real and not just a dream. It was unlike anything i’d ever done before and anything I thought I was capable of. When I climbed back into bed after covering all my tracks and being certain that I had gone undetected, I sighed in satisfaction. I had done something that I was certain would become a slight trend as high school began. Something to remember and relish. Something to look back on in twenty years and smile about. It truly was beautiful and I somehow don’t regret it in the slightest. Next year, I’m sure I’ll be doing it a hell of a lot more.

[janiedean]

Do you believe in the statement "Islam is a religion of peace"? I think it's a ridiculous statement and I'm sick of people repeating it over and over. Saying it doesn't make it true. I have NOTHING against Muslims as people but the Koran is no better than the Bible when it comes to violence and pretending otherwise is just ridiculous to me. I came across a gifset the other day of a Muslim woman insisting that Islam is "the most feminist religion of all" and it just doesn't make sense to me.

man you’re talking to an atheist so obviously my answer is biased, and I read the bible but not the koran (I read bits not all of it) so my opinion is what it is, but:

given that I think that the bush jr policy of demonizing islam post sept 11th was the dumbest shit he could have done and I’m happily blaming that for 90% of the mess we’re in today and that I don’t think islam is inherently more violent than christianity given that as you said violence in holy books is about that same level

and given that a lot of the koran has been (purposefully or not) misquoted to justify terrorism/fight against terrorism

and given that 90% of the parts of the sharia law we find more abhorrent (ie the ones condemning lgbt+ people, allowing child brides and so on) aren’t actually in the koran but are holy because some interpreters who were also holy men declared them so so a lot of it is - as with christianity - stuff added by the organized part of the religion (like, there isn’t ONE line in the bible openly condemning abortion unless you don’t interpret the sermon of the mount in a specific way but honestly, but according to the catholic church and christianity in its worst incarnations abortion is A SIIIINNNN)

I also think that everyone automatically tries to delete the worst parts of the religion they believe in and the likes and at the same time it’s really hard to question things you were taught since the day you were born. and going like yES BUT THIS LINE IN THE BOOK SAYS THIS doesn’t mean anything because another says the contrary ten pages after and a lot of religious ppl in general haven’t even read either the koran (see: a lot of isis recruits) or the bible (see: most people who tell me that if I read it I’ll convert, then I tell them I did and if they remember the dismembered concubine from the book of kings and they fall from the clouds. aha) and they tend to stick to the parts that are *safer*. ie for christianity everyone moderate says it’s all about the best parts of the gospel (and no one ever remembers my two favorite bits ie when jesus told people who *went around talking in his stead* that he didn’t know them from adam and when he said to one of the two thieves crucified next to him that he had a place in heaven with him hahahahhahahahaha) and never about the worst parts of them or of the old testament (for one, did you know that with the plagues of egypt the pharaoh refused to let moses go because god directly influenced him because he wanted to show how much more powerful he was in comparison to the pharaoh’s false gods, because the poor guy actually would have let moses leave after the sixth plague? YEAH I DIDN’T UNTIL I READ IT EITHER) same as a lot of moderate muslims focus on the best parts of the koran like the peace message and so on and ignore the worst.

now, personally I think that religious books are written in such a way that you can find anything and its contrary inside them. the bible is BOTH old and new testament but even if you decide that the old doesn’t matter because you only follow jesus’s teachings, okay, paul in some of his letters says exactly the contrary of what jesus meant but paul’s letters are in the NT and no one’s taking them out yet. st. augustine is one of the church’s Fathers with the capital F but he came up with predestination (which is a thing that is absolutely not in the NT) and the catholic church ignores it because it eventually rejected that vision. and so on. it’s not surprising that moderate muslims see their religion as a religion of peace and the jihadists use it to fuel terrorism because both interpretations have their valid points. if you’re moderate and want to say muslim religion is peaceful you have your quotes, if you’re not you have others. and so on. so like, I personally think that since to me it’s all about stuff that doesn’t exist it’s all very ridiculous and I honestly can’t conceive killing themselves in the name of someone whose existence you cannot prove never mind that it’s basically the same God just with a different name and a different theological interpretation so like, wtf guys. I don’t think any religion is inherently peaceful or warmongering, I think people make of it what they want and that you need it separated from the state in any case because if that doesn’t happen it’s always going to coincide with someone’s political interests and fanatics will breed more easily.

re the feminism, I have issues in that sense and maybe a clearer opinion tho that might be that there’s things I cannot chalk to cultural relativism to justify, but like: it’s true that in theory islam is not... well, anti-women at its core because let’s all remember that in the middle ages muslim women on paper were better off than europeans unless my high school books lied about that, but it’s true that a lot of the **sharia** law mentioned above is NOT fucking feminist - whatever you mean with it - and I’m honestly... I mean, I get cultural relativism, but like let’s just take the veil. in theory if it’s an imposition it’s not even valid because you have to choose to wear it and it’s all good, but do people choose to wear it in countries like idk taliban afghanistan? do people have a choice about it when it’s not just the veil but covering your whole damned body and you can’t touch someone else’s hand without your husband’s permission? and saying that it’s also valid for men makes me lol because I haven’t seen men under a burqa yet. like everyone has the rights to choose what they wear or not, but when it’s de-humanizing like that (bc burqas are de-humanizing to me sorry) and it’s people who have been taught since they were born that they have to wear it... is that a choice? and like, yeaaah in saudi arabia eight year old girls can marry people thrice their age and if I have a vagina I can’t drive a car, but that’s feminist? like where I teach, one morning each week it’s just women and only women can teach because some don’t/won’t come if men are attending as well and won’t be taught by male teachers. and like... I understand they do it because otherwise they don’t come, but I feel really iffy about accommodating a thing that to me is out of this freaking universe, especially because you get veiled women coming to regular class without a problem. shit like that imo is just backwards and the fact that it happened here fifty years ago as well means that while I won’t judge muslim countries too harshly on that sense... well, we moved past it and we have equality on paper, shouldn’t they have it too? (admittedly I don’t think attaching ideologies to any religion is a good idea because what the hell does FEMINIST RELIGION even mean, catholics are crazy when it comes to worshipping mary so they’re also feminists?? and religion are used to prop up other ideologies every other day so like.... I’m iffy on that period) so on that topic I honestly can’t agree but because I don’t agree that religions are inherently any -ism.

tldr: I think everyone picks and chooses when it comes to religions so saying that it’s THIS OR THAT is ridiculous (christianity from the westboro baptists is not catholicism to say one and they have the same holy book) and that you need to separate them from politics before doing any kind of this discourse. I also don’t agree with this policy of ‘since bush jr policy was BASHING ON ISLAM FOR EVERYTHING’ now we have to do the contrary and ‘EXCUSE ISLAM FOR EVERYTHING’ because it doesn’t help - you have to condemn the bad apples of the bunch and not alienate the good ones, and that means also criticizing where it’s due.

I mean, ffs, it was on the news here the other day but some girl in bologna who came from a muslim family who didn’t want to wear the veil was forcefully shaved by her mother (like shaved all her hair) and she told her teachers saying she didn’t want to live with them anymore because they were pushing the veil and the religion on her and she didn’t want that, and now she’s with the social services. she’s fourteen. that’s feminist? I don’t... really think so. and the fact that I’m atheist and I don’t get it from the pov of a religious person doesn’t mean that I can’t say it’s fucked up when it’s fucked up.

[racingtoaredlight]

Random Thoughts on Vintage Guitars

This week, I had the wonderful opportunity to play an assortment of guitars from the 50′s and 60′s.  The best being a 60′s Martin D-28 and a 1959 Fender Stratocaster, which was probably the best Strat I’ve ever played in my life.

During my conversations with this dealer dude, we both were talking about how great these instruments were...and how neither of us would trade our preferred Strat-style guitars for this 1959, even if money wasn’t an issue.  Of course, money is an issue, as he’s likely going to sell that 1959 Strat for around $29,000.

How does this make any sense?

It doesn’t.  Welcome to the world of vintage guitars!

***

In 1958, Leo Fender saw a bunch of his guitars being played on television and recoiled in horror.  He saw the fretboards on his guitars looking like this, after the thin nitrocellulose finish had started to wear away.

He thought it made his guitars look cheap and disposable.  Back then, nobody knew anything...and certainly nothing about how guitarists in the future would love this worn, aged look...and he made a radical change that would be implemented before the music industry’s biggest trade show, NAMM in the summer of 1959.

Starting in May 1959, Fender Strats and Telecasters now came with rosewood fingerboards.  If you figure that roughly 2-3,000 Strats were produced per year, now cut that number in half for rosewood fretboarded Strats made in 1959.  Given that Fenders are “parts guitars” and incredibly easily modified, the number of original, untouched 1959 Strats is a fraction of that.

Those Gibson Les Pauls from 1959 that fetch $350,000+?  There were fewer than 600 made total.  450 are accounted for.  250 are all original...in varying levels of condition.

It’s simply supply and demand multiplied by provenance.  Are these historic instruments like a Stradivarius violin?  Beats the shit out of me...especially given I’m of the conviction that music driven by guitar is dead in the popular sphere.  But I do know that modern Fender produces roughly 10,000 Strats per week, which is certainly a greater number than half of a half of 2-3,000.

***

Compared to vintage guitars, modern guitars are better in every conceivable way that can be measured, and equal in most areas that are felt.

Take Gretsch for example.  Gretsch guitars have always had an issue with quality control throughout their history...now what in the world would make you think that the quality of their instruments made with primitive tools, “figure it out on the fly” knowhow, on non-automated systems would be superior to what we can make today with machine-precision?  I’ve played a few vintage Gretsch’s in my lifetime, and while some were great, some were complete garbage.

Same with Gibson.  One of the guitars I tested was a 1957 Les Paul Special.

He’ll likely get in the $10,000 range for it.

Back in 1957 nobody knew shit.  The Les Paul Juniors and Specials were supposed to be budget guitars for beginners...there wasn’t the same level of thought put into them as the Standard.  That single tailpiece is not compensated to allow you to intonate your guitar...meaning it’s pretty much guaranteed to not be in tune all over the neck.  This isn’t a flaw, it’s a feature.  And I mean that in a bad way.

Gibson figured this out pretty quick and any modern version of this guitar will have a compensated tailpiece that allows a guitarist to actually play their guitar in tune.  And much like the original idea of these Juniors/Specials, they’re pretty damn affordable guitars...especially compared to the originals.

But...they make thousands of Juniors/Specials every year, and have for decades.  It’s not as special as the originals.

Again, this is a stupid way to think.  Right off the bat, compensated tailpieces were figured out and professional guitarists were able to easily swap bridges to get one to stay in tune.  That’s why you see these guitars throughout history...they were modded.  BUT, if you have a guitar like this that’s been modified to ACTUALLY PLAY IN TUNE, it devalues the guitar.

***

So is the whole vintage guitar world bullshit?  Are vintage guitars shitty and not worth anything?

No.

Here’s how I see it...the more acoustic a guitar is, the more age works in its favor, because the wood gets properly matured and makes a huge impact on the quality of sound.  With acoustic guitars, this is obvious...take a well-aged Martin and compare it to a brand new one, and it’s no contest.  The more acoustic an instrument it, the more of a break in period it needs.

Furthermore, the more “artistic” a guitar is, the more this matters.

A Fender is cheap wood put together with screws.  A Gibson is made of high-quality woods, handcarved and uses glue.  The wood matters more.

***

OK, so I lied.

The vintage guitar world is bullshit.  It’s fun to play em, and good old ones have a great vibe that’s really hard to describe...but it’s something that newer guitars don’t have in the same fashion.

But me and a guy who deals vintage guitars and talking for hours about how fucking stupid these buyers are.  The guys buying these things?  They’re typically not pros or players or even respectable members of the guitar world community.  The people who buy these things buy them for status.  And since quarantine hit last year, the guitar vintage market has been preposterously stupid.

Literally a year ago, a 1959 Les Paul was going for $250k unless it was owned by a legend.  That price has inflated $100k over that same year.  Again, that average price has inflated ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS.  You’d rarely see “Bursts” for sale in any type of public forum a year ago...now, they’re all over the place.

Hold up...”BURSTS”...I never in my life heard anyone call a 1958-60 Les Paul a “Burst” until this year.  It might have been Jason Isbell who I first heard say it...and now it’s everywhere.  Here’s the site for one of the biggest vintage dealers in the country.

They literally have a separate page for “Bursts”...again, a term that I had never heard before this year...because of the demand.  Currently, they don’t have any for sale...again because of the demand.  It is so fucking goddamned stupid I can’t even begin.

***

How does this impact the overall market?  Both Fender and Gibson’s custom shops almost exclusively produce guitars replicating these era, complete with varying levels of aging and wear, all for a double-price premium.  A regular Gibson USA Les Paul Standard will run you $2,500...your entry into the 1959 reissue world starts at $6,500.

And what do you get for that extra $4,000?  Aside from looking *like* a 1959 Les Paul (anyone who knows the details can pick out a reissue from an original with a single glance), you’re paying an extra $4,000 to have someone beat up your guitar, put it under those warming lights restaurants have, and on the back control thing there’s a very small diamond inlaid in there.  This is not a joke.

***

I’m sick of writing.  To sum up...vintage guitars themselves can be cool, the provenance is interesting, the market is ridiculous, that fucking diamond is the dumbest thing in the world.

The end.

[trace-error]

TraceError(”Religion”);

Oh boy this one is sure to piss some people off.

Before saying anything, I believe it’s important to define what I mean by religion. For me, it is a defined set of beliefs that goes unquestioned by its followers with a combination of these basic tenets: higher power that creates and influences the physical universe, a revered text of some sort that contains rules and guidelines for living a good life, an afterlife for the good people who choose to adhere to those rules, an afterlife for the wicked people who don’t follow such rules, special individuals with some sort of connection to the higher power(s), special places of worship, and a mythology of stories or special events (i.e. miracles). Religion thinks it succeeds when it comes to answering questions of our creation, our death, and our morality.

So with that out the way and having a basic foundation as to what I mean by religion, why is it an error in our human societal software?

While some may see it as a stepping stone to our advancements and usage of science to determine facts and laws about the universe, many, like myself, see it as flawed, irrational, and mostly a disrupting influence over our ways of thinking. Religion treats fantastic ideas as true. By fantastic, I, of course, mean fantasy, not amazing.

You don’t believe in dragons and undead ice zombies, do you? Well, why would you believe someone walked on water or rose from the dead or that a snake-headed woman can turn you to stone if you happen to gaze into her eyes? Some believe Jesus did walk on water. Make that a lot of people! On the other hand, I’m thankful that beliefs have evolved a bit and people no longer believe a Medusa creature exists with transmuting capabilities.

Neighbor of yours?

Ah yes, “evolution”. It is such a combative word for religious folks. While I won’t get into the scientific theory that explains the gradual development of simple organisms to becoming complex organisms, I will use the word to show the development of an idea. I want to as briefly as I possibly can, give you a quick evolution of religion as an idea, where it came from, how it’s been manipulated, why it’s lasted so long, and what the consequences are for its continued perseverance in our advanced world.

This little graphic will visually explain the history or evolution of religion. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Apologies to pro-cavemanisists out there, but early man was dumb. I say that with affection and confidence. They simply did not have the ability to reason and explain the natural world as they perceived and experienced it. Imagine what it was like to see some orange circle rise and set without knowing what it actually was. Or the fact that the white circle in the sky never seemed to move, or that it changed shapes or that it became most visible when the orange circle was gone. How would you explain the small dots in the sky at night? What the fuck is even night? Could you imagine how freaked out you would be at a solar eclipse? How would you explain these things if you or anyone you ever encountered had never taken a basic science class? What kind of amazing things would you think up? What stories would you tell? Now imagine the power you’d have if the small group you were surviving with all thought you were the smart one because you had a good story that made sense to them. Imagine the dumbest person in your group of friends was the one everybody went to for answers. Now consider that this person is exponentially smarter than the most intelligent homo-sapien grazing the earth thousands of years ago.

Early man had to make some sense of his world and could only pull from the knowledge he had available to him. What makes him survive and what kills him? These things mattered on a minute by minute basis. Animals shared the land and were a source of food while also providing the clothing for warmth.  The rocks and wood sheltered them. Fire kept them warm. Water satisfied their thirst. Life was very basic and so were their early ideas. These simple things that we, today, may take for granted were revered.

The most primitive of belief systems that we really have record of is something called animism. It’s still practiced by remote tribes in Africa, the Amazon, and in areas like Papua New Guinea or the Australian Outback. Essentially, Animism is that all things in the natural world have a soul or are alive and should be worshipped in some fashion. So next time you stub your toe on a rock, kindly say, “Excuse me”.

Man anthropomorphizes things in order to understand or try to understand the world. In animated cartoons, we give animals voices and human-like emotions in order to educate and entertain our children (and some adults). But, while it is entertainment, what we are really doing is just telling stories, hashing out our moral codes, detailing how things work in society.

When early man looked up at the sky, it looked much much different than it does for us in 2017. We live in these big cities with a ton of light pollution and unless we go out into the middle of the desert or climb a mountain, we’re not getting the same perspective of the night’s sky that early man had. The sky was most definitely “lit” as the kids say. At night, they had a fire to keep them warm and the stars above to entertain them. Given their basic nature and catalog of their surroundings, they probably start seeing animals in the sky (today, we call them constellations). In time, they made-up stories for these starry animals. The night’s sky became their television, their cartoons. It was their source of entertainment. They were the show creators and after thousands of years of storytelling, they became very good at it.

Their stories and their ideas evolved. To fathom big issues like creation or death or smaller, but, yet, vital things like why it rained and why it hasn’t, their primitive understanding of things had to evolve. Some people asked questions. The sky beings became more influential and provided answers in a fashion that was all too familiar. For instance, the sun and its light battled the moon and darkness. The celestial bodies were given names and worshiped. We might just call them gods. There were fans of the sun while some were more moon people. They created rituals. Soon, to make storytelling less complicated, these many sky gods were consolidated into one sky god (Abrahamic religions: Judaism, Christianity, Islam).  In more than one culture, the sky god(s) came to earth (Zeus, Jesus, Krishna) to interact with humans because, well, doesn’t that story sound cool? Cool sounding stories became a way of controlling people so charismatic salesmen (prophets, popes, imans, rabbis) sold them cooler ideas about the sky god(s) that they, and only they, could speak directly to them. If these particular people were good at their sales pitch, then why not give them money so they can afford to wear the best clothing in the land and, also, erect grand structures to prove how amazing their particular story is.

Viola, just like that we managed to fast-forward thousands of years of religious belief.

Religion is simply something drummed up by some dumb people who were bored and didn’t have modern-day science.  Imagine telling your child a bedtime story and thousands of years of it evolving lead to it be a way of life for billions of people. Come to think of it, I want my own religion now.

In all seriousness, religious belief comes down to one thing and that’s faith. A faith in something that is keenly illogical, irrational, unseen, untestable, and unverified by science. These stories that are the foundation of religious belief are usually void of any science. They are not replicable in today’s world. The sun doesn’t battle the moon. We understand orbits and processions. People don’t turn water into wine. If someone were able to, believe me, this person would have been the biggest celebrity on the planet. Historians of the time would be writing amazing tales of this person’s exploits. Of course, they didn’t. This Jesus Christ individual was simply not that famous. There might have been one contemporary historian who mentions Jesus, but it was more a small mention than say a whole chapter in a book sort of thing. Instead, it was people who came along decades later who did the reporting of this big Jesus character. How trustworthy of a source is that? Would you trust someone’s stories about JFK had nothing been reported between now and 1963?

Faith, to me, is a crutch people rely on when they’re too dumb to know how something works or functions. To help them piece together an explanation, they’re willing to accept a simple believable reason. Simple doesn’t make it reasonable. For instance, you lose your job and some religious person may conceivably say, “God has a different path for you. Have faith. Pray about it.” Ugh. That makes my blood boil. Maybe circumstance occurred where my skills either weren’t good enough or I became overqualified for the position. Perhaps the company was cutting back costs and I became expendable. Does God dabble in accounting? Or a more significant example would be something like innocent civilians dying in a drone attack or a horrific mass shooting in a nightclub. The religious may say, “We’ll pray for their families and have faith that God has a plan.” A plan? Really, the murder of innocent people is part of some plan? The consequence of this insane thinking is totally invalidating to what occurred. It allows the perpetrators to get away with the attack, while also glossing over the collateral damage of war and being all too accepting of violence. There’s zero critical-thinking being done here. Faith is to thinking what ordering take-out is to cooking.

So, you see the dilemma. Irrational belief requires a steady diet of laziness of the mind. Why is this significant? When you think you have been given all of the answers, you are steadfast with your idea the way the world should be. Religious folks vote and they vote in large numbers. They’re an appealing demographic who get easily riled up when they feel like they’re losing power or their beliefs are invalidated. The people they vote for are put into high positions of government leadership. They wind up controlling school curricula, military, budgets for scientific research, climate and energy policies, etc. Religious belief stymies progress. It impedes scientific curiosity. Most of all it divides us. Everyone thinks that their story is better evident by years of religious wars. People are too lazy to learn new things. When it comes to critical-thinking, religious believers sit their fat ass on the couch and order take out.

I’m not saying there isn’t a god. If there was a god or not, I think our lives would still be the same. However, we don’t need faith or religion. We understand the sky now. We know why it rains. We have awesome tools to view galactic bodies and the means to perform advanced math computations. We’ve built computers, planes, and automobiles. We’ve cloned animals. We can 3D-print human organs. We’re beginning to understand gravitational waves and what that means for the birth of the universe. We have the means to store all of our collective learning and instantly access it in the palm of our hand. We can share ideas with people we’ve never met in person who happen to live thousands of miles away from us. 

There are great possibilities and paths for progress anxiously awaiting us. More people are waking up and closing these ancient books and ignoring the phony salesmen in their neighborhood. We’re making slow progress. We’ve come a long way in some aspects, but, unfortunately, some people, make that billions of people, still like to talk to rocks.