#the drama potential is so good. i weep.

[bubblergoespop]

My Top Elliott Quotes

sunshine and elliott reunion WHENNNN?? @selene567 he’s hereee, sorry it took a while ♡

“I wanna snuggle okay? Sue me.”

“I was kind of joking earlier when I said they gave off culty vibes, but I don’t think it’s a joke at this point.”

“My powers can do more than just bring you peaceful sleep. I love them for their ability to do that, but they can also bring you wonder, and mystery, and strength, and joy. They’re yours, Sunshine. Always.”

“I’m glad you think it’s beautiful. But if you ask me—and if you won’t, I will—I think you are so much more amazing than any dreamscape I could create.”

“Do I have to send you back to your self-inflicted grocery store hell?”

“Since when do you have to date somebody to cuddle them? I mean that just seems like you are drastically reducing your list of potential cuddle partners for no reason.”

“I mean if I just come out and say it, I’ll be denying us both the opportunity for at least a few more years of reciprocated but undisclosed pining for one another that could easily be solved by an honest conversation but one that neither of us is prepared to make for fear of rejection…”

“It wasn’t a game to me. You aren’t a game and you aren’t some prize to win.”

“I call you Sunshine because that’s what you feel like to me. Like warmth. Like a guiding light. I literally smile when I think about you like some hallmark bullshit.”

“God, you’re fucking cute.”

“You’re all I have now Aaron, please help.”

“Congratulations. You unlocked a portion of my tragic backstory, brave traveler.”

“‘Yes’? That’s all I get? Well sure, it’s enough, but where’s the weeping, where’s the drama, where’s you cutting me off with a kiss like some kind of movie? OW, why are you hitting me?”

“Thank you, Sunshine. Well… for giving me a chance. A decision you very well may come to regret, but if that’s the case, it’s really not my problem.”

“I’m working on it, I promise. For you.”

“I think people are beautiful because they’re complex, and they can surprise you in a million little ways, every day.”

“I’m probably pronouncing half of these wrong, because, ya know. I’m trash.”

“That one there—that’s called Caelum. It’s one of the dimmest ones. It’s not a very exciting one, the name just means chisel. But the word also means Heaven, or Sky. I like that. It’s just a little guy, but… I feel like it’s got some cool secrets.”

“The dreams are always sweet when you’re in them.”

“I just want them to be safe.”

“Sorry, baby. Kiss to make it better.”

“I love my powers. But the waking reality that I have with you is so much better than the things I make. Because that reality is true. And I’ve got you in it.”

“‘Slew’ is a word, shut up.”

“Urgency? You say that like I'm annoyed my Starbucks order is taking a while, this is my partner's life we're talking about, ‘urgency’ doesn't begin to describe it.”

“No. No, I don’t think you’re crazy. I know you, sunshine. I trust you.”

“If they’ve been trying to use you in some way, I’ll make their life a living hell. They’ll wish they could wake up.”

“We’ll… figure this out. Together. That’s the part that I care about. You, Sunshine.”

“Fuck physics, fuck law of nature, just give me M. C. Escher, baby”

“Oh you think I sound whiny now? You don’t know how whiny I can get.”

“Oh good. I wanna hold you as I pass the fuck out.”

“Hey, but then again, we also might just get some looks because people know a power couple when they see one.”

“This feels like the magical equivalent to ‘we’ve been trying to reach you about your vehicle’s extended warranty’, just now with a fun culty, closed-community spin.”

“You feel good. No improvements necessary there. Well I mean maybe there are a few things I could fix—“

“Fuck off, Blake!”

“I know you hate me, you don’t have to remind me.”

“I’m just here for good dreams and good vibes, you know?”

“You’re doing so good, baby.”

[marinetteplztakeabreak]

Still not over the absolute Shakespearean drama that is Kagami being wooed by an enemy of the state, who would not have gotten the chance to meet and fall for her if he were not the identical twin of her betrothed.

Her betrothed who she still had lingering feelings for but he was in love with someone else and yet she was the one fighting to find a way out of it.

And then it turned out that this enemy of the state who’s also her betrothed’s identical twin happens to have been cursed by the same force that she was.

And he freed her from the curse before it could harm her through potentially wildly unethical means (technically pickpocketing and stealing her soul for a cool minute) that anyone with a good moral compass wouldn’t have done but he cared more about saving her than about morals.

And also they both laid on the floor wailing and weeping and bathed in moonlight in the same episode.

I love them so much I am literally unwell about them

[gabessquishytum]

a thought (and i had a dark!dream version of this that seems to have slipped my mind but i can try to remember it if youd like); trans hob, as a (mortal) human, falls in love with morpheus, who is not human (vampire). after they've been together for a while and married and happy, hob is delighted to discover he's pregnant; he loves the idea of expanding their family and is so excited to tell dream the good news. except dream isn't human, and he has to reveal to hob that the pregnancy is not only very rare, but very dangerous, and there is such a small chance hob would make it through that morpheus, the ever miserable bastard, practically spends the entire pregnancy mourning hob even though he is very much so alive.

near the end morpheus is getting more and more anxious and keeps finding excuses to leave hob so that he doesn't have to confront his fears of losing him. he leaves home one night telling hob he'll search for an apothecary and medicines to see if there is anything that could help the situation that they haven't already thought of, but hob goes into labor when dream is gone. morpheus does not react well to coming home to his lovely husband 1. no longer pregnant, and 2. very bloody and very Unwell. of course it takes some shushing from hob, reminding morpheus that death isn't anywhere near enough to separate them, actually, for morpheus to get his act together, but it works! and oh, would you look at that, there's a baby, too. guess they should do something about that

(and if hob asks morpheus to turn him afterwards so that he might actually get a chance at seeing their child grow up past middle age, well. its hardly like he'd say no)

Omg yes please. I feel like we can make a much better version of Twilight with these ideas. I love the kinda comedic potential of this also??

Dream: this year i lost my dear husband hob

Hob, very much alive, pregnant and annoyed: quit telling everyone i'm dead!!

Dream: sometimes i can still hear his voice...

Obviously Hob is very aware and accepting of Dream’s concerns, and he tries to be as gentle and considerate of his feelings as he can. But. He is still alive, and feeling pretty good actually. The baby doesn't seem to be doing any harm, and he's just trying to enjoy his pregnancy you know???

It's very unfortunate that his labour comes on when Dream is gone. Hob is very resourceful, though, and he does the best he can in the situation. After much pushing and screaming and other unpleasant things, he delivers the baby, cuts the chord and lies down on the floor with the baby cradled at his chest. Dream comes back to what looks like a crime scene, and is genuinely shocked to find his beloved husband alive!

Dream cleans up the blood (mostly with his mouth. he can't help it), carries Hob off to a more comfortable place and makes sure that the baby is safe - they've already had their first feed from Hob and are now content to snooze for a while. Dream is practically weeping over Hob, apologising for leaving him, for being such a ridiculous and terrible husband while Hob was carrying their child! Of course Hob forgives him but he does have a condition: he wants to be turned. The dramatic labour has given him an idea of just how terrible death would be, and he wants to stay with Dream forever.

Dream is relieved. He doesn't want to leave Hob ever again. Or their baby, who is the most perfect little darling, totally unaware of all the drama they caused by being born. Dream also promises that if by chance Hob is able to become pregnant again, he won't be quite so emo about it. Perhaps. He'll try his best, anyway.

(Meanwhile Hob is honestly just trying to process that fact that Dream licked him clean. And he was into it. And now he's wondering what kind of vampire shenanigans they might be able to get up to...)

[guiltygearconfessions]

Calling all Johnny fans to not just acknowledge the kids he adopts but also Leap and Janis. I feel as though people miss out on the complexity and potential sweetness about how both of them became a part of his "family". Like the fact that Leap could have very well had a family with her own children and grandchildren and has now a new home makes me want to weep excessively. I'm presuming Johnny more frequently looks for sole survivors among ruins so it also means a lot that he may have found both Leap and Janis as the last signs of life of where they came from. Janis had to have been a kitten when she was adopted with how active the pirates have been / cross referenced with May's stated age in Xrd just for good measure. I definitely don't like how the games treat Leap as a joke/gag and how most of the other Jellyfish Pirates aren't touched on outside of basic info, but Johnny choosing to care for Leap and Janis when he could've rehomed them (like he did with Salteria in the Drama CDs) means a lot for his character. Especially for Leap since we have 0 idea if Johnny ever had a proper maternal figure in his life. Also cat dad Johnny.

-

[myneverendingemophase]

If you’re afraid of swearing, then don’t read it, ok? Ok, I warned you

I finally decided to watch Trolls: Band Together, so I present you my opinion that you never needed or wanted! Yuppie!!

Some of you have probably seen my angry rant about it before the movie was released, but you know what? FUCK YOU, PAST ME! Past me can shut the fuck up and jump into the pit! At least partly.

I still have stuff I don’t like here, like Viva’s design. Because THE HELL?? I love her hair, her voice, her movements, BUT COULDNT THEY GIVE HER AT THE VERY LEAST DIFFERENT HEADSHAPE? She looks like a Poppy copy, make her look older, you fucking cowards

Branch’s brothers were adorable, I like the way they were introduced. Could have been better and way less rushed, but I waited for worst, so I’m satisfied, I dunno? I like them as characters, very nice very nice. Also. If 3 of them escaped… Were trolls so afraid of bergens they didn’t even try to escape in small groups at night or something? Ok, fine, moving on, it’s not like we’re getting answers

Maybe I didn’t like the idea of tons of siblings, because this plot idea is very cliché and that makes it so so easy to fuck the plot up. But the way they added siblings wasn’t too bad, I guess? Brothers added more trauma to Branch, great angst potential for all five, nice. And Viva shown us once again not to trust King Peppy— Wait. Why did he let Poppy go to Bergentown in the first movie again—

I’m so SO relieved that I wasn’t completely right and especially that I was super wrong about Broppy. AND THANK FUCK THAT I WAS WRONG! They’re healthy, they’re still their flawed selves, but they’re trying their best, they’re adorable, they don’t have artificial drama shitshow!! Hell yes!

Also Bridget and Gristle. They were dorks and I liked them. Gristle is just going along with everything Bridget does and admiring his wife. Big mood, man

Moving from good things.

I’m upset that the plot didn’t add trolls from other tribes. Like, Poppy and Barb could have bonded as friends! Come on! But another subplot would have been too much, I agree. The movie has enough stuff to deal with without it, it’s upsetting, but understandable.

That’s also probably the reason why the movie feels rushed. It’s hard to give attention to every character during that short amount of time, I understand that. But it’s still sad.

I still weep. Because they cut Lady Gaga’s song Applause. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????!! *in indescribable amount of pain*

In conclusion. I thank Goddesses that I wasn’t completely right. The movie wasn’t horrible, I’m so relieved! It could have been better, but same about the first and the second movies. And maybe I’m gonna share some troll theories in the future, I dunno, but there probably will be sketches. Maybe :)

[nin-jay-go]

liveblogging dragons rising

all thoughts under the cut!

this is so pretty so far

oh this is a lesbian. kreel is like if the mad hatter was a lesbian

LOBBO IS MY NEW FAVORITE CHARACTER

"i'm going to kill your whole family" GOOD LIRD THIS IS DARK

"I THINK I MADE A BOMB" JSHFKJSKDJF

"elemental powers are complicated" yea dude they sure are

THEYRE BROTHERS YOUR HONOR

oh why is it RAIyu and not REEyu. i thought they were riffing off the japanese word for dragon for his name (ryuu)

lobbo my BEST FRIEND

oh THATS why cole's memorial thing was in the trailer. i see.

is this dorama guy here to . here to c. here to cause drama

(he's so fun actually i like him)

Oh What The Fuck

oh shit the showman is coming back?? excited

kai is fuckin dead

SCIENTIST LADY 😳😳😳😳😳😳

oh wait. if all imperium ppl have those markings, is this like the secret markings humans have? but visible? bc that'd be cool

my friend: [the cragling mud] looks like their eyes. i don't like that.

buddy why are you excited to eat mud...... buddy........... arin.....

sometimes i can still hear his voice 😔😔😔

dragon = nuke

THE CLOUD FUCKING KINGDOM ARE YOU KIDDING ME

thats a fucking mindflayer. what the fuck.

WHAT

THE NEW MASTER OF WIND??????? IS A CLOUD KINGDOM MONK??????? HUHHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK

i hate the cloud kingdom. whyyyyy is it the way that it is

my friend: it is interesting that the cloud kingdom is confirmed to be full of shit

WHAT IS THIS BOOKWORM LITTLE THING. I LOVE THEM CAN I HAVE TWENTY

alright time to see this so-called wind master

why does she sound like a self-insert 😭

EUPHRASIA?!?!?!!?!!!??!!?!?!?!?

*insert the crying of everyone with a morro lives / morro redemption au*

(like its fine for canon but alterline is weeping)

me: [the wolf] is a hologram with mass! my friend: that means it matters :)

sora has protagonist hair jdkfhgkjdfgkjh

oh!!! the imperium markings come in with age :0 or maybe they're a rank thing idk yet

ohhhhh the scientist lady (dr larrow?) is her role model :0 [this is the point where i lost subtitles lol]

did those kids call sora anna?

WOMANNNNNNNN

"sora? the ancient imperium word for orphan?" HELLO??????

me: i want to kiss [larrow] on the mouth my friend: why do you want to go for the villain me: she's hot my friend: women in stem!

BRO SHE JUST GOT DISOWNED. JESUS CHRIST.

dr. lampshade floorpanel and dr doyll donmagar.......

lloyd: what's the shaming floor my friend: twitter sora: its a livestream me: so its twitch

i forgot to write this down but arin is the new master of SPIN

PERCIVAL TARTIGRADE

STOP DEADNAMING SORA LET HER BE NONBINARY

get flashbanged idiots

oh!!!! wildfire was raised by dragons!!! thats so fun

what is happening- OH WILDFIRE

friend: do you remember atla? the dragons

why is wu's ghost haunting the monastery my friend: its a wu-o-wisp!

TINY LLOYD WITH SAM VINCENT'S VOICE IS SO FUNNY JKHGSFKDSKDJH really couldn't get jillian michaels

OH AND THE S10 GI ON A BABY LLOYD LMAOOOOO

"this looks like a monastery!" no the fuck it doesn't you're in an underground Chamber

DONT LET THE FUCKING GOLDEN WEAPONS REPEAT

sora: i can't use my true potential my friend: then use your fake potential

mmmmm beatrix hot woman :]

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS CELESTIA, PRINCESS OF EQUESTRIA my friend: i wanna see someone overlay this dialogue on top of footage of celestia

MEANERY

they're seriously gonna torture a BABY DRAGON?????

hehehe ras ear twitch :3

LLOYD HAS A CONCUSSION

THE GHOST OF MASTER WU

ZANE IS IN THE FUCKING EGG????

ZANE WAS IN CRYO??????

WHERE ARE JAY COLE AND PIX. WHERE ARE THEY

my friend, in response to sora's name reveal: we named the dog indiana

me: jay and cole are off on their honeymoon my friend: they're in the bahamas

"there can't be two elemental masters of fire! it doesn't make sense! also its rude!"

THE IMPOSSIBLE KID

STOP DEADNAMING HERRRRRRRR

miss beatrix can i kiss you on the mouth

i warned you about those stairs bro :y

THE DRAGON TALKS?????? and why does it sound like unagami

OH HES BIG

a conduit?????? changed forever????? 👀👀👀👀

he gettin ZOOMED

me and my friend: DID LLOYD DIE??? AGAIN????

now lloyd and arin BOTH have concussions!

oh he glowin

your holograms appear to be glitching maam

I WARNED YOU ABOUT THOSE STAIRS BRO :y

rapton is very pathetic

LLOYD'S WAR FLASHBACKS OH NO

lloyd voice i'm adopting you arin

OOP RAS IS CAPTURED. THIS IS ANTI-FURRY

oh. she has a mech.

so that means the weird green ghosty guy (and jay/cole/pix) are in season 2 :0 i'm so excitedddddd

final thoughts this was cool as shit. i loved this very much. ouoUOAUOAUAOAUOU

[lehdenlaulu]

Okay, the liveblog continues: Ep. 4

Oh don't brood Mal, there's clearly nothing going on with Alina and Nikolai. Unless you're brooding about her ambitions, in which case... Bro.

Poor darling. Also shut up Baghra.

...yeaaah. Let's just say that I'm never, ever a fan of the 'I just want you and a Normal Life and I don't like it that you have other interests and goals' trope.

Not that I don't appreciate that some drama is introduced, things were a bit too harmonious to be narratively interesting, you know?

But still... Alina, baby, you don't need to apologize or placate him.

Oh look, a cartoonishly evil prince. Yay.

Also, I'm not sure if I should be impressed by Vladim's name or not because while it is a real albeit rare name, I can't help thinking the writers just couldn't spell 'Vadim' correctly and just assumed there's an 'l' in there. But maybe that's just me and my infamous Name Nitpickery.

Now that I'm on a roll with the complaints, I'm still kinda baffled at Kirigan's whole thing. I don't understand his plans or motivations because from the way the show has unfolded it honestly appears like was reasonably chill if somewhat schemey for a long time and then just totally flipped and decided to become a cartoon villain. I understand Baghra's motivations even less. But maybe that's the point?

Aww, those were some very loud and clear 'I love yous' from Kaz in his language. Freddy is totally running away with this season, eh?

Oh David.

...Yeah, Nina's cunning but I did not for a second believe she could have blindsided Kaz.

Yeah, Kaz is absolutely scarier than Kirigan. Shadow monsters or not.

And Mal can't catch a break, huh? To be fair, though, this is kinda consequences of his own actions.

Vasily is a creep but he has charisma and presence I feel Nikolai should have as well, even if of a different flavor. I'm not at all sure that's the case, but the jury's still out.

Not sure I'm entirely buying Jesper and Wylan this fast but they're cute so eh.

Oh Kaz.

Ah, I did wonder at how different the brothers look. Well played. And it's definitely better when he's not putting on the act.

Okay, they are really cute friends. I'm absolutely pro Alina having good friends.

Bye, Vasily.

Ah, so Nadia wasn't a Tidemaker, then. I wonder where I got that idea.

I wish I could have been impressed with that confrontation but Kirigan is such a cartoon villain now him and Alina trading barbs and dramatic declarations just feels kinda silly. And am I wrong for having the idea that in the books there was still some spark between them at this point? This feels entirely one-sided. Which is a pity, honestly, there was so much potential with Jessie and Ben in these roles.

Ep. 5

Hah, six of crows, one being imprisoned. Well played.

Ben's doing his best with what he's given, though, absolutely.

Ah, so that's the deal with the gloves.

I really love the Crows, okay.

And I like that Nina and Zoya get to interact.

David and Genya though. 😭

Why is everyone so keen to trust Baghra, though? Has Alina not spilled the beans? 🤨

Okay, I do like it that while they're blessedly not teenagers, they're still damaged and young and not that good at this relationship stuff.

Oh Genya. 😭

Aww, I love that Inej is praying with Tolya even if it's not her faith.

Oh Zoya. She's really been though it too, hasn't she?

These two keep making me weep. 😭 They deserve everything.

*replays the scene for seven times in a row*

I bet that's hell and a half go gif though with the lighting. *sigh*

I love Tolya. Can I have one?

Nina and Kaz pretending to be married is not something I knew I needed. 😂

That's big though. Even if he had to do it.

Oh honey.

I love that Inej knew to flinch back. She gets it.

Ahh, that's the line. I know that line. I bet Ben insisted on it.

This is basically just fanservice but I'll take it.

Yeah. I mean, these kinds of differences don't solve themselves with time and patience. Someone will always have to make sacrifices. *sigh* Not saying she should go back for seconds with Shadow Boy, but... you know?

Oh, this is getting interesting. *Daredevil flashbacks*

Ooh, that's the second F-bomb this season. Nice.

Okay, they would have been a good arranged marriage. I'm a little bit inclined to ship it a tiny bit now.

Poor Kolya. There will be a bearer for your ring yet.

Zoya baby, you do not make a very good Crow.

Huh, I think I know what this means.

Ep. 6.

I still think it's a little foolish to trust Baghra so unconditionally, but eh.

They're holding haaaannnds. 🥺

Jesper backstory yeeeeess.

Yeah I still think the Morozova thing is stupid. The name, I mean. It makes sense for her to be Morozova but not any of her male kin.

Poor baby.

I think I see where this is going. I've seen enough book spoilers.

Poor Inej. I mean, I'm a little bummed they had her hallucinate a romance scene when the boys had family-related visions. But eh, fanservice.

...yeah, thought so. It's a biiiit convenient, but there ya go I guess. *sigh*

Okay, who's the choreographer? Because this is genuinely some good shit.

All of this? And it's only the sixth episode?? Huh.

Stop making me cry, show. 😭

Oh Jesper. 😭

Oh Inej baby don't get all Darkling on us now.

Honestly, I wish I could care. Archie and Jessie are doing a great job. But... meh. Maybe it's because I know how it ends already, even if I didn't know any book spoilers.

(Also if they do some bloody pregnancy trope I'll fucking riot.)

Frankly, it's a little difficult to care about anything that is going on in Alina's story, except Genya and David, especially when the Crow side is firing on all cylinders so to speak. The mashup worked better last season, now the difference is getting obvious. Alina's story feels more and more like a fairytale in comparison, and within the same show it's a weird whiplash.

Ep. 7

I guess Tidemakers don't have green keftas after all, that's just Kirigan's little cult and their fancy velvet. Boo.

Not the bloody meadow. I'm sorry but enough is enough.

This, though? This I approve. Ben and Archie are always fire together.

Come on, Alina, stop breaking poor Nikolai's heart by giving him back his things.

Aww, you boys have come a long way.

Theeeeey. 🥺

Nikolai I love you but master strategist you are not if Kirigan's dumb teen posse can outsmart you this easily.

Oh David.

Kolya, honey, this is why you do reconnaissance and don't jump to conclusions. Time was on your side here. 🤦‍♀️

Honestly, this is all so silly if you think about it for even a second.

Hi baby, just what we needed to bring some sense into this mess.

Well, someone's clearly trained his troops some strategy and tactical maneuvering at least.

Finally a smart idea.

Tolya don't you dare get killed. You're too sexy to die.

Alas, poor Dominik. You were always doomed.

And you two don't you DARE.

No David noooooooooo-

Well, one episode to go. Let's see if this is the end of Alina's story.

Ep. 8

Oh Kaz. 🥺

Please someone find David and save him please.

Huh, I didn't expect that would actually happen. I don't expect it to stick, though. Mal, I mean. Doesn't fit the fairytale.

Yeah, didn't think so.

No. 😭😭😭

If anyone deserved a happily ever after it was them. 😭😭😭

I wish the whole Darkling thing hadn't been so anticlimactic and sort of pointless, apparently. Oh well.

Well, I'm glad they want it to be choice, not destiny. Destiny is overrated.

Come on boy, you can do it.

Guess not. :p

Well done. You'll get there.

Awww, I like this. And Kolya found a new bearer for his compass. :D

Tolyaaa, I support your endeavors but I think she's pretty much spoken for. She deserves some of that, though, you're right. 🤭

Okay, Nikolai does wear the coat better, though. Might have suited Inej the best, honestly. It's her color.

Proud of you my boy.

Oh, it's this creep.

Oh well then. I wondered what twist we'd face next.

Bet you could, Zoya, bet you could.

Well, that's one way to start your reign.

And that's certainly one way to react to just using the bloody Shadow Cut, Alina.

More conclusive thoughts tomorrow night, but overall I was actually still very impressed and happy to be back in this world. I hope we'll get more. And no offense to Paddy but if Shadow Boy decides to make another comeback, I hope it'll be Ben playing him, as frankly underutilized as he was this season.

Anyway, now some sleep.

[ianbbl]

My Top 10 BL Series of All Time

1. We Best Love: No. 1 for You

a. The chemistry between Sam and Yu is absolutely out of this world. b. I ranked this as my number one show immediately after watching it week-by-week so it is entirely possible I am biased but…their chemistry!! c. I like the plot of enemies to lovers anyway and this version of it with added reluctance just floats my boat.

2. Word of Honor

a. Not technically a BL. This wuxia drama is based on a BL novel but was censored for Chinese television which has banned any BL content. b. Any show about a “bromance” that can convince me the leads are in love is a win. c. This show also made me feel feelings about many of the side characters, which is a big thing that very rarely happens when I watch shows. And given just how many side characters this show had is a particularly impressive feat.

3. Bad Buddy the Series

a. Ohm and Nanon flexed their acting chops and showed off why they are both such in demand actors. b. Like WBL I watched this week-to-week and then immediately put it on my list so my bias may once again be showing, however I loved this series. With the exception of two weird time jumps I thought it was incredibly well paced. By that I mean each episode had enough action to warrant the decisions that were made and to not get bored waiting for the next exciting part of the show.

4. History 3: Trapped

a. I love the non-traditional BL setting of a Mafioso and the cop out trying to get him and bring him in, only to fall for him in the process. b. I also appreciate that there is a mystery being unraveled throughout the course of the show. It means that if I ever lost interest in the main couple’s dynamic (which I never did, but others might) there was an actual plot catching my attention as well.

5. Seven Days

a. Not technically a series, more like a movie divided into two, but my god, it’s wonderful. b. I watched this due to AbsoluteBL recommending it at every chance they got and I regret absolutely nothing about that decision. c. These boys have chemistry up the wazoo, they have a heartwarming naivety in completely different ways, and their story just makes me smile.

6. Cherry Magic

a. I love this series. I love that you get demi-romantic representation, I love that you get asexual representation, I love that you get fantasy sequences about what the main couple could be but those fantasies are like “I wanna see this person eating a dinner I made for him”. b. Adachi is too good for this world, even as he flails about in distress at every turn, and Kurosawa absolutely wants to win the “world’s number one gentleman” award.

7. Light on Me

a. I hate love triangles because I think they are too obvious- most of the time you can tell who will end up with the lead by the end of the second or third episode. Light on Me, however? That absolutely was not the case. They used BL tropes in a way that gave equal weight to each potential love interest and gave both characters reasonably well developed back stories. b. I love all of the male characters on this show and want to give all of them hugs because they are doing their best. So yeah, love this show.

8. I Told Sunset About You

a. This one. Oh ITSAY. I have never felt more seen as a queer person than watching this show. The way the director and actors were able to capture how awkward teenage romance is? The way they were able to capture identity crises that come from realizing you like someone of the same gender? b. It hurts so good.

9. Until We Meet Again

a. I don’t cry at television very easily, and everyone talking about how much they cried at this series made me roll my eyes. But the ending of the penultimate episode and beginning of the finale had me weeping. Fluke Natouch did an absolutely fantastic job in those scenes in particular and shot to the top of my favourite Thai actors list as a result. b. The plot itself is incredibly unique to television (but not fanfiction, lol) and I thought the script writer did a good job balancing the time between the past and the present to make you invested in both couples even when you knew exactly what happened in the past.

10. Long Time No See/Gaya Sa Pelikula

a. Yes I cheated and picked two, but some of my options above might not qualify to your standards so, sue me.

LTNS

i. The plot of this show is so interesting. I love that the leads were interested in each other before even really knowing each other and yet that interest never waned as their secrets unfolded. Give me a lover who will fight for me! ii. I also love the awkward realness of the intimate scenes in this show.

Gaya Sa Pelikula

i. Had me on the edge of my seat to see where the couple was going ii. I loved that this series addressed being gay as normal. No [metaphors]. Loved that the two female characters were likeable.

[3hams]

My thoughts on One Piece live action…

PROS

The casting is fantastic. Every actor put their all into it. If I had problems with characters, it was the writing and not the performances.

Favs:

Taz Skylar as Sanji. Very charming. Cooler than his dorky manga counterpoint, but not too much. That smile is killer and the way he approached the womanizing aspect was perfection. Funny but not gross.

Jeff Ward as Buggy. Everyone is right, he killed it. Hard to do an evil(ish) clown and not bring up thoughts of the Joker. He somehow managed it.

Steven John Ward as Mihawk. I confess, I am utterly uninterested in the anime and manga Mihawk, but this guy played him like a more butch Vincent Price with his tits out. It’s the kind of drama and scale I look for in an OP character. Thoroughly enjoyed him.

Emily Rudd as Nami. My absolute favorite by far. She is an incredible Nami and gave the show direction and emotional depth. Loved her dynamic with all of the crew. Her thieving was fun to watch. So so good.

Even some of the minor characters stood out to me. Lucky Roux and Yasopp. Nojiko. Kaya.

The sets are amazing. They really built their own world. Incredibly artistry there. The music was as epic and pirate-y as it needed to be. I loved seeing all kinds of people in the main cast and the extras. Racial diversity but also nationality and body type.

THE FIGHTS. Wow, the choreography was breathtaking. Of course, Mackenyu kills it as Zoro, but they also did a fantastic job on Luffy’s CG rubber moves and Nami’s staff fighting. I had a great time watching every brawl. They may have been my favorite parts of the show which is weird for me.

I was expecting the fish men to be cheesy and not scary, but they looked and sounded great actually.

CONS

Why this pacing? I was bored stiff during the unnecessary marine storyline and then they go and rush other stories meant to build on the camaraderie of our main cast and underline OP’s theme of freedom. The manga and anime regularly make me weep, but I was fairly unmoved by the sappy stuff here. It wasn’t earned.

Usopp got shafted. I get that they had to tone him down, but he disappeared for me. He wasn’t even the starring character in his own arc. He’s my favorite, so I was bummed despite the great acting.

Confused by some of the wig and makeup choices. Stylized and cartoony isn’t a bad approach, but some of these wigs would be mocked for crustiness at a local drag show. You can do a wacky orange but make it look like nice hair. Mihawk’s contacts looked like painted plastic to me. Why did they draw a random line of eyeliner on Sham’s nose?

Some of the camera angles were overdone and made me think of 90s fantasy shows like Xena and Hercules. All the low angles and fish lens.

Shanks and Garp lost most of their charm. Again, not because of the acting, but because they wrote the humor out of them. Shanks is scary because he covers his power with that sardonic goofiness. Garp is a senile doofus to hide his strength and threat to authority. The contrast is where the sweet stuff lies.

Like most shows these days, boy was this show dark. Not metaphorically. I could not see many scenes very well with my mid-thirties eyeballs.

MIXED FEELINGS ZONE

Inaki is so sweet and cute as Luffy. He’s got his enthusiasm and his love for his people down. But he’s more naive than stupid and way more considerate than manga Luffy who never second guesses his decisions. I like them both, but they feel totally different to me. Live action Luffy is gonna be a lovable but slightly more traditional hero than my boy in the manga.

Deadpan Zoro is a lot of fun, but I do wish he were less cool and laughed more. Again, manga and live action Zoro are both great, just different. You can tell one of the show runners is gaga over Zoro. He got a lot of development.

CONCLUSION

I liked it, but didn’t love it. Not much desire to watch it again save for maybe a few scenes.

However, I definitely want it to keep going.

It has so much potential, and they can develop these characters more over time. A first season is often tough. Also, Alabasta is an excellent arc to adapt. It’s self-contained, lots of interesting enemies. Live action Crocodile has the potential to be amazing. And Robin!!

I hope this strike gets settled in favor of the workers and Netflix invests in more of the show. The roots are decent and can grow into something great. Please watch it to help that happen.

[propositive]

Movie Interpretations

The story of Emma is about a young girl who is of marriageable age and her pursuit of a romantic partner. This drama-filled story set during the early 19th century became a popular movie in 2020. The movie begins with the wedding of her friend Mrs. Taylor. Afterward, she and another one of Emma’s friends, Harriet, discuss potential matches for one another. However, Emma has no desire to marry and is enjoying her independent lifestyle while watching over her papa. Harriet on the other hand, is infatuated with Mr. Elton. Mr. Elton doesn’t return this infatuation, though, and ends up breaking Harriet’s heart when he sets his intentions on her friend, Emma. Once Emma hears of his intentions after a dinner party inside a carriage together, she is outraged that he led her friend on to believe that he was in love with her. Considering that he offered her friend Harriet gifts and claimed that she was remarkably beautiful. This was all just to win Emma over and have her believe him a good and kind man. Six weeks later after the incident, he marries Mrs. Augusta instead. A short time after that a woman named Jane arrives and Emma becomes envious of her. Not only because she could play the piano better than she did but also because Mr. Knightley, the man she has been in love with since the beginning of the movie although unaware of her own affections, seems to be infatuated with her. Believing that this match is for the better, she turns her attention to another man named Frank who insists that Emma dance with him during the first two dances of his ball. However, shortly after, we find out that this was short-lived because he was already secretly engaged to Jane. While they danced together, Mr. Elton declines Harriet’s offer for them to dance since she was the only young lady sitting in a chair without a dance partner. This rejection upsets her and she begins to weep in the corner of the room on her chair. Mr. Knightley and Emma notice this so Mr. Knightley offers a dance to Harriet. This kindness leads Harriet to believe that there is more than just friendship between her and Mr. Knightley. During this encounter, Harriet falls madly in love with Mr. Knightley. Mr. Knightley then dances with Emma and finally notices the chemistry they have while dancing for the first time. Emma is also officially fully aware of her affection for him. I would like to elaborate on this scene at the ball and discuss the musical instruments in the background. While Mr. Knightley and Harriet are dancing the musical instruments are loud but while Mr. Knightley and Emma are dancing the music grows quiet. As if they are the only two in the room at this moment. This makes it seem obvious that the feelings are mutual between the two and that they are destined to be with each other. In the end, Harriet marries a man named Mr. Churchill who was in pursuit of her throughout the movie and Mr. Knightley and Emma get married.

The second movie that I will be interpreting is Mama Mia. The show is filled with romantic, comedic, and dramatic scenes. It stars a young girl 20 years of age named Sophie. She is going to be married but she wishes to find her father so that he can walk her down the aisle at her wedding. She steals her mother’s old diary and discovers the names of each of the men she dated before having her. Sophie invites these men to her parties leading up to the wedding and to stay for the wedding. During one party in particular, the song Voulez-Vous by ABBA is playing, and she is searching for each of the men to question them about their identities and trying to figure out which one is her father. While she’s questioning them, each one of them begins to realize the reason that they were invited, and they all believe that they are the father of Sophie. This leads to a big misunderstanding and as each one of them approaches Sophie to confront her about this she becomes overwhelmed and doesn’t know what to say. The music speeds up and her party guests start to encircle and surround her while dancing. The party lights are vibrant and bright, making the scene not only sound loud but also look and feel loud and slightly chaotic. Being in the center of all the dancing and commotion gets to Sophie’s head and she eventually passes out. In the end, she decides that it doesn’t matter who her father is, and she asks her mother to walk her down the aisle instead.

[kataravimes-of-the-shire]

Gwyn Origins

Having a little bit of fun thinking about who Gwyn's father could be, and how this could impact on relationships throughout the series...

We know a High Fae male from Autumn is her father, I feel like this depth of knowledge about her background was unnecessary *unless* that fae male is a character of significance in the series already. In comparison, we don't get that much specific detail about Emerie's family.

Initially, I thought, ooh what if Gwyn's mother was Lucien's former love, but we know she was killed in front of him so I doubt that. (Although, the potential for this absolutely sends me. Gwynriel would mean protective dad Lucien all the while him being relieved that Elriel was no long a thing)

My personal fave choices for who it could be are Beron or Eris.

I'm thinking that Beron disappearing to take part in a Calanmai at a temple would be a little bit too noticeable... Eris however??

I find the idea of Eris being her father HILARIOUS, like Gwyn being able to say "eww you danced and flirted with my dad" is something I enjoy. It also gives the classic trope of "problematic guy realises he has a daughter and becomes a good dude" vibes - which could be fun.

If Beron is Gwyn's father, then that would make her half-siblings with both Lucien and Eris - since the Cauldron is hella sexist and doesn't pick female heirs Eris could actually have a good relationship with his half-sister. Potential angst with that when she finds out what he did to Mor, and the possibility of revealing more of what Eris has hinted at earlier in the series - he would have something to lose by not telling Gwyn the truth that he hasn't with any of the IC (they already hate him and he doesn't care about their opinions - his new sister, though??).

This leads me to my next point. Gwyn's relationship with Azriel. Now, whether you take that as friendship or romance Azriel clearly has some respect for her. The discovery that she is related to two of the people who have been at the root of a massive amount of pain in his life would be so ANGSTY. I think it would also lead to him addressing his own beliefs about himself - he views himself as a piece of shit because he's an Illyrian, and his dad was a piece of shit. But if he can view Gwyn as a friend or a lover then he would have to accept that his beliefs about himself might not be true (i.e. you're not a bad person just because of your blood). Again: ANGST.

Basically, I love how much this could stir the pot.

EDIT:

I just realised that Gwyn might be too young, if Autumn Court were all Under the Mountain? Do we know her age?? Although, Rhys was allowed to leave on Calanmai - perhaps other fae were too. Especially if it's seen as a ceremony to renew magic?

[softquietsteadylove]

Oh my goodness i just had a wonderful idea! What if Gilgamesh proposes indirectly to Thena in front of their family after the Emergence, but she doesn't get it and is confused why her family acts so happily weird! 🤩✨

And much love to "Roses are Red" i can't waaaiiiit, living for drama✨🖤

"Everyone here?" Druig asked as Makkari helped him back to the rest of their family on the beach. He squinted against the wind and the salt water in the air.

Sprite, Kingo and Phastos looked between them. Thena hadn't emerged from the cave yet. Sersi looked over her shoulder and then back again. "What about the ship?"

"It's technically fine," Phastos sighed, pulling off his glasses to swipe a hand over his face. What a day. "Gil's okay, although I think just knowing he was in the crash too didn't help Thena's temper."

They all knew the Warrior Eternal had been out for blood since his power had been stolen by that Deviant.

There had always been something about Thena and Gilgamesh that was both painfully obvious, but also indecipherable. They were clearly together, but they also spoke no claims of any kind of relationship like that. They weren't married, and yet they were clearly used to sharing every aspect of their lives between themselves. They were just...Thena&Gil--all one word, a package deal.

Their family had watched as Thena bent over his body, comatose on the floor of the rain forest, weeping as he went quieter than any of them had ever seen him before. Then the anger had taken over, and as quiet as it was, it was all the more terrifying for it. A weapon had barely left Thena's hand since Gil had fallen asleep, always twirling it in her fingers, reminding herself of what needed to be done.

But now it was done--they thought.

"What next?" Kingo asked, the most reluctant and out of place of all of them. He looked at Sprite, who shook her head.

"Thena!"

She looked tired.

Makkari zipped over to her in the blink of an eye. The Warrior shared a nod with her fellow Fighter, but Thena wouldn't be slinging an arm around Makkari's slight shoulders for support. That honour was for Gilgamesh, and only him. But Makkari did walk back with her, asking with soft motions if the blonde was okay after her fight.

Thena just nodded, not daring to speak a word. She was barely walking straight after expending more of her energy than she would like to admit. And she had slipped into Mahdness during the fight. Pulled through as she did, the side effects were still present.

But she had to see Gil. She had to see him awake and well with her own eyes.

"Thena," Sersi said softly, reaching for her vaguely but letting her walk past. No one was exactly leaping to get in the Warrior's way.

"Take it easy, T," Druig did speak up from Kingo's side, but they let their sister pass unhindered.

Phastos stepped back, and two blurs met in the middle.

Gil ran forward, picking her up in his arms as Thena threw herself at him.

"You're here," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears as the familiar comfort and warmth of him seeped into her bones. His arms tightened around her waist as she slid her fingers into his hair.

"I'm here," he promised in a short and simple answer. He lowered her to the ground gently, immediately able to appraise the situation based solely on the sight of her. He brushed some hair out of her face. "You've had a hell of a day."

Thena just nodded, not taking her eyes off of him. Her fingers touched his cheeks, afraid to disturb the potential mirage, "you have too."

But Gil shrugged, an easy smile coming to his face, "I just woke up."

"Are you okay?" There were plenty more questions compounded into just that one, but he dispelled the tremor in her lip and the tears in her eyes with a kiss to her forehead.

"Now that you're here," he sighed, pulling her against him again. He managed to tear his gaze away from her, just enough to catch the tearful smiles of the rest of their family watching them. They'd get their reunion, but he wanted to hold her just a little longer first. "I should be asking you that. Been a long time since you were in the fight without me."

The words came easily, but he felt her sag against him as soon as he said it. She was agreeing with him, and letting him know just how much it had taken out of her. But he supported her weight like it was nothing, holding her up against him as she curled into his chest. "M'fine."

"Yeah, you seem it," he chuckled, seamlessly shifting from holding her up against him to all but cradling her in his embrace. She tucked her head under his chin and let her ear against his heart assure her of his presence. "Must be pretty ready to head home, huh?"

"Mm," she hummed in response, content to lean against him for all their family to see.

"Can we make one little stop first?" Gil grinned now that the thought had hit him. She remained quiet, waiting for what he was suggesting. He glanced around at their reunited family again. "Everyone's here, and we might as well make it official, right?"

"What?" Thena asked now, not getting it in the slightest.

"Well, you and me," he shrugged, beaming down at her as he raised her left hand off his chest and wove her fingers together with his. "Us, together, christen our house as home?"

The rest of the family stared at him.

"All of those things are already true," Thena tilted her head at Gilgamesh helplessly. "Are you sure you're well?"

He laughed, ignoring her confusion and instead laying out more crumbs for her to pick up for herself. "I mean, I'll have to find you a ring. But that should be easy enough."

Makkari and Sersi's eyes sparkled (they had been waiting for this for thousands upon thousands of years, after all).

"What do I need that for?"

"Although I think the dress you have on is already perfect, and it's even white."

Kingo and Sprite traded looks, "oh shit."

"All my clothes are white," Thena blinked up at Gil, still not understanding what he was rambling on about.

"Oh my god," Phastos muttered, already exhausted by it--by them.

"Druig, you can officiate things, right?"

The Mind Reader chuckled, caught between the hilarity of it and Thena's genuinely confused thoughts. "I'd be honoured. Always assumed I'd be T's best man, though."

"Gilgamesh, I think you should lie down, again," Thena frowned, now more concerned than curious.

But he held her hands in his, raising them to his lips. "I won't by lying down anywhere unless it's in our bed, on our wedding night."

"Well, when will that--oh."

[sweetestlamb]

Call My Name

Summary: “I don’t know what to do I think I’m falling for you.” 

Author's Note: Back with my longest update for this story, almost 10k!! I have only written that much for a chapter for IOTNBO, I’m so proud and excited. It’s thanks to many of you who have been messaging me to let me know how much you appreciate my story and those of you who are making artwork in any capacity based on my story, I am honored thank you!! I battled a lot with the ending but finally I just went with my gut, the characters wanted to act this way and who am I to fight it? I hope you enjoy and I will see you again in the next chapter! Amazing header by @ewolfwitchwisegirl every time I see it I can’t help but smile. Thank you endlessly. 

She checks the time on her phone again, for no particular reason just curious about how much time has passed since she last checked. Five minutes. Interesting, she'll make sure to check again to see if her hypothesis is correct, that time seems to move slower in Ju-Kyung's house it feels as if they have been sitting here for hours yet her phone is displaying something completely different and there has to be a scientific explanation for that.

"You acted like you didn't want him to have your phone number but now you won't stop checking your phone." Su-ah teases across the room, hanging upside with her feet on the wall as her fingers move across her own endlessly buzzing phone. She's not jealous about that, not at all.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I was just checking the time." She replies coolly pushing the phone away from her with complete disinterest. 

She states blankly back at twin penetrating stares of disbelief, rolling her eyes she lowers her head onto the table picking at the skin on her index finger.

"I told you to stop doing that!" Ju-Kyung admonishes grabbing her hands and halting her abuse, they are hideous to look at the skin peeling all over no amount of lotion can rectify the damage she's done. They are one of the reasons she loves winter, she has a bounty of gloves to hide them from view. Self-consciously she tries to twist them away, they look even worst next to the soft plush skin of Ju-Kyung, who consistently moisturizes the appendages.

"Just leave them. They're ugly anyway."

The other girl ignores her bringing out the hand cream she's seen so many times, she simply sighs when the thick lotion is rubbed into her brittle skin. They both know that this is pointless because she'll soon wash away any benefits but Ju-Kyung is always persistent and she's given up on fighting with her. With a light pat and triumphant hum, Ju-Kyung releases her.

"There. Don't they look beautiful?"

They don't. Out of all the things she hates about herself and that lists grows more abundant everyday, her hands are high on the list. They make her feel hideous and as if anything she touches will also lose its beauty. A twisted nightmare inducing Midas touch.

She doesn't reply beyond shoving them into the pocket of her blazer.

"Su-jin?" Su-ah calls from behind her, sounding more serious than she's used to. She tightens in anticipation, barely turning her head.

"Are you okay? I've been giving you space but I want to know what's wrong. What happened at school?"

Her chest constricts painfully, she's not ready for this conversation possibly will never be but if she refuses will they shut her out? Will she be abandoned? Fear rushes through her veins at the very idea of being without them.

She forces herself to speak, "I...its-- what....I"

The words are lodged in her throat choking her until it's hard to breathe, she starts wheezing and then she's wrapped up in a tight hug, her last bit of oxygen squeezed from her body.

"Shhhh. It's okay. We love you, don't cry." Su-ah coos at her, stroking her head and mumbling soothing words into her ear. Ju-Kyung wipes away ardent tears she hadn't realized had fallen, her smooth hands soft on Su-jin’s wet skin.

"I can't. I'm sorry, not yet. Please don't go." For once she says exactly what's in her heart, people leave that's her reality but not them, she can't lose them death would be easier. So she begs tightening her once limp arms around Su-ah's small waist, clinging to the other girl like a weeping child. Her father has stolen everything she's ever loved from her, they couldn’t be another casualty.

"We're not going anywhere. We love you, no matter what. Nothing could change that."

She allows Su-ah to rock her back and forth, deep in her heart she knows those words aren't true, feelings change and once they figure out her secret, this love will fade and they'll grow apart; pity is the kiss of death. Once they know how truly pathetic she is they won't be able to look at her, she'll just be a broken doll that needs to be fixed.

"We love you."

Sure, but for how long?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Becoming Sujin's friend wasn't easy she can remember the day she first saw the abnormally beautiful girl, she looked like a character out of a Korean drama with her perfect round face and effortless style. She'd simply stared in awe, too dazed to approach the other girl. When they crossed paths in the hallway she watched the other girl intently, she decided in that moment they had to be friends.

It was like destiny, they ended up in the same class and she started to follow the other girl around smiling warmly every time those cool eyes would look at her in question. She sat near her in the cafeteria and greeted her every morning, yet she was no closer to becoming her friend still skirting the edge of acquaintance.

Then one day out of the blue for the first time the other girl approached her, her face expressionless but the air around her was frigid. She gulped watching her draw nearer until they were face to face.

"What do you want from me?" She blinked at the unexpected question, rolling it over in her mind and still not coming up with an answer.

"What?" Was her eloquent reply, she was finally having a conversation with her dream friend and she couldn't get her thoughts together.

"You're always following me. Do you want something from me?"

She thought it was blatantly obvious what she desired from the other girl but she smiled before replying, "Friendship. I want to be your friend."

She'd never seen the other girl look confused before, her eyes got wider and her lips almost disappeared from how tightly she was twisting her mouth.

"Why?"

Her first reaction was to laugh because it sounded like a joke, who wouldn't want to be Sujin's friend she was one of the smartest and prettiest girls in the school but something about the look on her face told Su-ah those answers wouldn't suffice. The other girl was peering at her with deep searching eyes, waiting for her response.

Shrugging she didn't overthink her reply, choosing not to list the many reasons and going with the most basic, "I like you."

It was her first platonic confession, she almost blushed at the words and the potential misunderstandings but Sujin simply looked at her before walking away without another word. She sighed thinking she'd scared the other girl away, walking home crestfallen.

But the next day, Sujin said good morning to her first for the first time ever and they walked to class and as they say the rest was history, they became each other's confidant and best friend. Sujin, the first person to know about her crush on Tae-hoon, always there to wipe her tears after their countless break ups.

Su-jin is like a sister and that is why her breakdown feels even worst, she doesn't know what's going on, has never seen her best friend cry before. Su-jin isn't one to be open about her emotions, her smiles are as elusive as her tears. So her heart aches as Sujin shakes in her arms, wishing she knew what was hurting the girl this deeply so she could rescue her.

"I'll go wash my face." She's reluctant to let the other girl go but she knows the intricacies of her brilliant mind, knows that she's embarrassed and mentally ripping herself apart. Unwrapping her arms she lets her go, tears pooling in her eyes watching her friend suffer. 

Quickly brushing the moisture away she turns to Ju-Kyung who isn't faring much better, dark mascara lines dripping down her cheeks. She laughs sadly wiping at the marks with her thumbs before pulling her fingers back and wiping them on her jacket.

"I'm sorry I'm crying, I know we need to be strong for her." Ju-Kyung apologizes but more stubborn tears rolls down her face and she hugs her tightly, needing the comfort herself.

"You're allowed to cry. We'll be there for her until she's ready to tell us what's wrong."

They nod and hug each other weeping for their friend who so solemnly weeps for herself.

It shocks them both when a loud vibration penetrates the silence of the room, the noisy disturbance makes them jump apart before they both glance at the phone on the table before looking at each other.

"Do you think it's...."

"What if it's.."

They speak at the same time and that's the exact moment that the door creaks open and Sujin arrives with red-rimmed eyes her hair now pulled back in a low ponytail.

Su-ah looks at the phone with wide eyes before looking at Sujin, then back to the phone before smiling innocently, "You should check the time."

Sujin doesn't react at first, standing completely still before she takes a hesitant step forward as if the phone has transformed into a bomb. Gingerly lifting it up she wipes go unlock the screen, trying to look unbothered her movements exaggeratedly slow. Su-ah sees right through her, sees the way her fingers twitch and how she takes a deep breath before opening the message.

She watches Sujin's face for a reaction, a smile or frown but there's no reaction until she huffs and throws the phone away with a sharp whisper, "That idiot. What the hell is that?"

Without asking for permission, they know each other's passwords there isn't much privacy between the three of them, she picks up the discarded phone, eyes bulging at the message before she starts to giggle. It was exactly who they thought and his first message to her is an image and the words, saw this and thought of you.

She grins at the message, wondering if Seojun knows how flirty the message reads. He'd openly let Sujin know that she was on his mind. She'd spontaneously decided to save Sujin under that name in his phone Ju-Kyung had told her about their interesting conversation and the pet name, then he used it again at the gate and she couldn't resist. What girl didn't like being called a princess?

"If he calls me that one more time I'm going to break his motorcycle." She winces at the threat, shifting her eyes. Okay, it seemed there was one girl.  She needs to tell Seojun to never mention to Sujin that she was the one to save her under "princess" she had helped him get her number after all, they were practically friends now. He couldn’t throw her under the bus. 

"Are you going to answer?" He wants to know if you want him to buy it for you." She giggles at the new message gasping when Sujin snatches the phone from her hands, she looks over at Ju-Kyung with a raised eyebrow at the show. They both watch with conspiring smiles as the commonly emotionless girl angrily throws herself into the bed and starts animatedly tapping on her screen.

She's never looked more alive.

It's the universe righting itself when she hears Ju-Kyung's mother yell up the stairs.

"Ju-Kyung, tell your friend Su-jin her father is here to pick her up."

Ju-Kyung's mother says the words upbeat, mumbling about doting fathers and harshly hitting her husband on the back of his head as she wonders to the kitchen. She schools her face into a plastic smile, despite the fear gripping at her and making it hard to focus. But she can't show any cracks in her display today, too much has happened and she can't allow anyone to be suspicious. They have to believe that her father is a loving man who picks up his daughter out of the goodness of his heart.

He almost looks normal smiling serenely in the doorway, even lifting a hand to wave at her. Cold ice chills run down her spine at the terrifying action.

"Why didn't you tell your mother and I you were going to a friend's house? We were worried sick about you."

She can hear the threat coded in those words, how dare you go anywhere without my permission, she rushes to his side knowing every minute she wastes he will punish her for. She'd inconvenienced him by making him pick her up. He would make her regret that decision.

Bowing to Ju-Kyung and her family, avoiding Su-ah's watchful eyes she rapidly puts on her shoes watching as her father bows as well thanking Ju-Kyung's parents for allowing her to stay so late and when they turn he grips her tightly all but dragging her out the door. His coat blocks the treatment from view and she grunts when he swings the car door open and tosses her roughly inside.

Slamming his door shut he glares over at her, "Do you know how hard it was finding this dirty shit hole of a house? Are you befriending anyone now? This is the kind of person you've deemed worthy of being seen with, you're a Kang for God's sake!"

She swallows her angry, desperately wanting to defend Ju-Kyung but his hands curled tightly in fists make her stifle her argument. Instead she bows her head quietly, letting him spew acid dripping words at her.

"You're not allowed to come here again. My daughter can't be seen with the help."

She anxiously claws at her hands in her lap, jumping when he yells in the confined space of the car.

"Answer me now! Do you understand!"

Staring out the window she replies, voice empty.

"Yes."

He doesn't wait for her to tug on her seat belt before driving off, done talking to her since she listened to his order.

When they finally walk through the front door she flinches when he grabs her arm suddenly, he rolls his eyes as if she's being dramatic. Seeming to get gratification from pressing his fingers deeper into her skin, she grits her teeth through it all.

"Don't flinch like that around others or I'll make you regret it. Tomorrow you are going on a date with a son of a very powerful man, make sure you hide all your bruises."

This time she can't stay silent, rage bursting to the surface.

"I don't want to go on a date with anyo--"

The smack of his open palm across her forehead drives her entire head to the side, her neck snapping so hard she imagines this is what it feels like to have whiplash.

"You shut your fucking mouth! Did it look like I was asking you a question? You will go on this date." His voice is hard and impenetrable, when her mother limps out with a black eye she gasps in shock unprepared for the gruesome sight.

Mom.

"Look what you made me do to your mother. You better start obeying me again or things will get worst."

She's been selfish, she is knew what would happen to her mother when she didn't come home, knew that her father's fury would need an outlet but she couldn't bring herself to come here. Knowing what her fate would be didn't make her any else scared.

"You need to listen to your father."

She can't bear to look her mother in the eyes, she's been thrown to the wolves too many times to feel true sympathy for the woman who gave birth to her. They are both victims, that much she knows but she can't help the anger that has been present since she was young begging her mother to save her.

She knows now, nobody can save anyone else. If you can't save yourself you're as good as dead.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

He knows he can't be upset with Ju-Kyung or Su-ah, they are unaware of what their friend is going through but dread fills his stomach when Ju-Kyung tells him that Sujin was no longer there, her father had picked her up.

He slams a fist into his pillow, wanting nothing more to smash the man's face in he's never seen the bastard before but he knows that he would hate him on sight. He was a coward and a bully and he could not stand those who picked on others, they were the scum of the earth.

He sends her another unanswered text message reading her last message to him.

Delete my number, I don't want to talk to you.

She hadn't been amused by the sparkly purple tiara, he'd seen it on display in a children's store and immediately her regal scowl popped up in his mind. He hadn't thought about it before snapping a photo and sending it to her. That had been hours ago and still nothing from her after a heated debate about whether or not she was a princess. 

Sighing in exasperation he sends another message.

Let me know if you're okay.

He's sent five other unread messages, all variations of this message worry making him break all his rules about texting the opposite gender.

He glares at the phone as if it's to blame, tossing himself onto this bed and dragging a pillow across his face to groan into.

Almost choking on the cloth of his pillow he shoves it away when his phone finally vibrates on his stomach, eagerly opening it he smiles at the message on the screen.

I'm okay.

She's lying, he's certain of that he's seen the bruises first-hand without makeup lessening the effect. But she's cognizant enough to send him a message and despite the hell she must be going through she cared enough about him worrying to reply, something unfamiliar flutters in his belly. He writes it off as indigestion and flops into his pillow before sending his final message to her.

I’ll see you tomorrow, princess. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

He's wondering the halls aimlessly sneering at everyone who looks his way, he doesn't mean to be this moody really didn't mean to snap at Chorong but he can't help it, Sujin is absent her empty seat mocking him in class so he had to escape. He's lost count at the amount of messages he's sent at this point, none of them have been read. He growls at the radio silence, he hates being ignored and when she's the one doing the ignoring his frustration only builds. He doesn't bother analyzing why.

"You look ready to kill the next person who stares at you the wrong way."

He glances at the near monotonous tone behind him, turning to face Suho. He doesn't know how the other boy was allowed to leave the classroom when he currently has the hall pass but rules are usually broken for the star student, he scoffs at the privilege. Nobody ever calls him a troublemaker though. 

"Being a brainiac sure comes with perks." He drawls leaning against the wall.

Suho guiltlessly shrugs, crossing his forearms before grabbing his arm. He doesn't fight the grip allowing himself to be pulled, maybe this will distract him from his thoughts.

"Where are we going?"

Suho doesn't answer but he drags him up the stairs leading to the rooftop, he's instantly reminded of the last time he was here. Her tears warming his chest as she shook apart in his arms. He mentally groans, he’s supposed to be forgetting her why can’t he get her out of his mind?

"You know don't you?" Suho gently states, letting his arm fall between them and staring at him with sure eyes. He peers back squinting in response, uncertain if the other boy is truly alluding to what he thinks. He doesn't say a word, Sujin would never forgive him if he uttered her secret to anyone, he'd never betray her trust regardless of if she's fully given that to him.

"Know what?" He states slowly , watching his friend’s every move.

"About her father."

A deer caught in headlights, if you looked up that saying his face would be the accompanying image.

Forcing his jaw close, he shakes his head staring at Suho suspiciously.

"You knew."

Suho must feel his judgement because his face hardens before he looks away, "I did."

"Why didn't you do anything?" It's not his place but he can't help his vexation, how long had the other boy known and done nothing?

"We were......young. I slept over, I fell asleep on the couch and I heard him. The next morning she had a split lip and her father told me she accidentally fell down the stairs."

Disgusts winds through his chest at the story, this had been her life since she was a child. While he'd been mourning the loss of his own father, Sujin was being beaten and abused by her own. They were both fatherless.

"I felt guilty every day. I didn't know who to tell, her father was close friends with my dad and I didn't think he would believe me and...... I hated him. After my mom died I hated him so much. I didn't want to ask him for help."

He wants to scream, "What about Sujin? Couldn't you see her pain? Wasn't that enough to put your pride aside?"

But he doesn't because it won't do Sujin any good and Suho has been through his own trauma, he learned that his words have power and despite his anger he doesn't want to hurt his friend, never again.

"It's not your fault." He means it, they were both children. But he just wishes that Sujin had someone back them, that she knew that what was happening wasn't her fault. He just wishes he'd been there.

But he can't turn back time, no matter how desperately he wants to. All he can do is treasure the time he has now.

Her knows what he needs to do.

"I need a favor."

Suho stares at him before slowly nodding.

But not before asking his own question, "Why do you care so much?"

He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. The question spins around in circles in his head, no answer offering itself.

"Do you..... like her?" Suho cautiously inquires searching his face to see if he gives anything away. He doesn't try to hide his emotions.

"That's not important. She needs someone, I've decided to be that person."

The other boy looks at him like he's a puzzle he can't figure out but he nods as if that answer is enough. He'll store that question away for further inspection on his own.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There's no guarantee that this will work but he stands awkwardly on the sidewalk peering up at the intimidating mansion, it makes his own apartment look like a child's toy. Inadequacy pricks at his ego before he shoves it to the crevice of his mind, this isn't about him.

The driveway is empty that was a good sign. He hadn't thought ahead to what he would do if her father had been home, he wouldn't be able to control his rage. It's a blessing that he won't have to make that decision today.

Pulling out his phone he stares at her number before pressing the call button. It rings and rings and he's sure she's going to ignore him as she's been doing all day, he moves to hang up and call her back when he hears silence and then a quiet, "Why do you keep calling?"

He lets out a sigh of triumph, punching a fist into the air.

Collecting himself he states breezily into the phones, "When people call someone they usually have something to say princess."

Her reaction is immediate, "I told you not to call me that."

"I remember when you told me." He replies cheekily, unable to fight the smile that grows hearing her annoyance permeating through the line, just happy to hear her voice at all. 

"Then why do you keep calling me that?" She tightly replies, sounding like she could turn a coal into a diamond in her mouth.

"It suits you."

"Why? Because I'm rich and spoiled?"

"No. Because you're pretty." He hears himself say, wondering if he's been possessed because he's thought that before looking at the girl he was still a man and he had eyes but he's never planned on saying his inner thoughts out loud.

It takes a moment to realize she hasn't responded, scared she finally hung up he cries out, "Hey! Are you still there?"

Another long pause drags out and he becomes really worried that she's gone after taking so long to get her to answer, maybe everyone's right and he's an idiot.

"Don't say stupid things like that." There's something about her voice, it sounds higher than he's used to and he wonders if maybe she's embarrassed. Maybe even blushing. He'd pay real money to see that sight.

Not wanting to push his luck any further he powers on, resisting the urge to ask if she's blushing. She wouldn't be honest with him anyway.

"Come outside I have something for you."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

She contemplates what she should do as she peers down at her phone. His name and number flash on her phone as the phone locks itself. She'd begrudgingly saved his number when it became clear that he had no intention of leaving her alone. Nobody besides Su-ah had ever texted her this frequently, she was earning scarily that she didn't hate it. Although she hardly replied, not knowing how to maintain a text conversation. 

Su-ah had teasingly said she should save the boy as prince, so that they could match. She rolled her eyes at the suggestion, Su-ah was so cheesy sometimes they weren't a couple why would they need matching names? Instead she'd saved him as "do not answer" but she'd already broken that rule, she realized appalled at her lack of control.

Losing more control she sighs before crawling out of bed, not bothering to put on makeup to hide the mark on her forehead, he had seen worst. Her father left after taking her to the doctor, regaling another story of her clumsiness and they walked out with cream, powerful enough to ensure that no scar would be left behind. Nobody wanted scarred goods he explained.

The closer she gets to the door the faster her heart beats, how did he know where she lived? They had never discussed that and why did he come all the way here? Didn't he have anything better to do than stalk her? Taking a calming breath she reaches the front door, she can hear her frantic heart beats thumping in her ears.

She turns the door knob, pausing at the sight of his back. The sun is shining brightly outside, the direct opposite of her gloomy dark home. It was a sin for the day to be this beautiful when her life is so damn ugly. With the sun streaking his hair hues of dark brown he turns to face her.

She feels uncomfortable at the rush on emotions that bleeds across his face.

"Don't."

He looks at her quizzically, perplexed by her strange seemingly unprovoked request.

"Just don't.. emote so much."

Of course he doesn't listen, a smile stretching across his face as he steps closer to her. Reaching out with gentle fingers he brushes against the bandage on her forehead.

"Are you okay?"

He’s always asking her that. 

She doesn't feel like lying at the moment, not with his gentle hands and soft eyes beaming at her.

She mutely shakes her head in decline. She doesn't miss how he freezes as if shocked by her honesty. He's not the only one.

"Is that why you didn't come to school?" His voice is barely a whisper now, as if they're sharing a secret only for their ears.

It's a question that doesn't need an answer so she chooses not to respond.

"What did you want to give me?" She breaks the moment, taking a step back until his fingers fall from her skin.

He stares at her for a moment before leaning forward, dangerously close and she tries to retreat but her feet are stuck to the floor as she watches his face get closer to her own. His hands reach over her shoulder and she tilts her head up to follow him, as he lowers his head and her heart skips as realization washes over her, he's going to kiss her. His lips are right there, supple and pink looming closer as her own drop open in surprise and....anticipation? She registers that he's going to kiss her and she might want him to. No. She does, she never knew she wanted this so ardently until it was just a breath away. And now she can't think of anything else but his lips on hers.

She's never been kissed before, never wanted to be either. In second grade and unlucky boy had tried to force a kiss on her, chasing her around the playground puckering his lips and tugging at her skirt. He'd only been able to kiss the sole of her shoe has she launched into a perfectly executed round house kick, shocking him more than hurting him but she'd been placed in time out for a week with no playtime or recess, she had felt no remorse. All the other boys who used to eye her with interest now looked terrified after that incident, no one ever tried to steal a kiss from her again.

She waits for her body's natural defense to kick in and for that itch under her skin to buzz, but it never comes because she doesn't feel unsafe. Knows that he won't hurt her despite her constant dismissal here he is, once again demanding a space in her sham of life. Instead of fear, nerves ravages her body as she  pants loudly staring at his mouth only inches away. Is she allowed to want? She's never had the luxury before to desire such trivial things, it overwhelms her. Shocked by her own thinking and the dawning of feelings she didn't ask to have, she scurries backwards covering her mouth with her hands. Now that she knows that she desires this, she can't have it. She can't taint him with her darkness.

"What are you doing?"

He's smirking with a bag now in his hand intensely watching her and she feels transparent, he's looking straight through her and urge to hide is overbearing.

Turning around she sees his motorcycle and she almost laughs at her unnecessary mental break down.

He hadn't been trying to kiss her. That was merely a fantasy she created in her mind, whatever this was it wasn't romantic. Who could want something as broken and worthless as her, but more importantly her life was not her own to do what she desired. She was an object in her father's plan, a pawn that he could move as he saw fit. It was a mistake to yearn or even ponder, her fate had been decided long before she was born. 

She shouldn't be here, should have never read his message or saved his number she's playing a dangerous game and in the end she'll be the one most damaged. She turns away, rushing to the door no longer curious about his gift. Curiosity is a privilege she isn't allowed.

"Hey! Where are you going?" He grabs her wrist, not scared to touch today. Her body is burning from all the spots he's already set aflame since he arrived.

"Let go!" She tugs her arm away and he sets her free at her barest resistance, but he leaves no space between towering over her and refusing to let her break eye contact. His cologne is distracting. Everything about him is.

"What were you expecting?" She fights the urge to blush as he glances down at her lips before focusing on her eyes.

"Nothing. I wasn’t expecting anything.” She will ensure that she doesn’t in the future, it’s not a lie but rather an oath to herself. 

He stares at her unblinking, its unnerving and she squirms under the hard appraisal. 

“Don’t you want to see your gift?” She shakes her head no, but it seems the question was rhetoric because he doesn’t wait for her answer or acknowledge when she refuses.  

“I told you this reminded me of you.” He purrs softly, she’s never heard his voice like this. It’s so soft that it can barely be considered a whisper, he always acts like she is something fragile. She doesn’t know how to feel about it. 

There's a rustle of a bag opening and then a weight on her head, reaching up she feels hard plastic and ridges and bumps. She knows what it is and she doesn't know how to respond, nothing has ever prepared her for this moment. She’d hidden it well while sitting in Ju-Kyung’s room looking at the child’s tiara, pretended to be annoyed to cover up the way her skin was sticky hot and sweaty. 

When she was younger she had wanted a princess birthday party, with all the trimmings and decorations her eyes sparkled as she told her parents still full of hope and innocence then, believing that she could have anything she wanted if she asked. Her father’s guffaw had shattered that fantasy. 

“We will not have a childish gathering, very important people will be there. You are not going to embarrass me.” 

In the end there was no theme to her birthday and she didn’t get to wear the sparkling tiara she’d seen so many other little girls don on their birthday, she had no friends to invite and she sat alone and abandoned in her room. 

And now, years later there is almost an identical replica sitting on her head. She sniffles looking hard at the ground, blinking rapidly but knowing it’s already too late. 

“I told you to stop. Why won’t you listen? Just stop.” She’s crying now, there’s no way to hide the tears barreling down her cheeks. He looks taken back, hands reaching out for her and then dropping before reaching again. 

“Sujin.”

Hearing him say her name instead of the persistent nickname only makes her sob harder, crying for the younger version of herself that just wanted to be loved and was beaten everyday instead. Wishing that Sujin had this, had someone who was willing to stay, who wanted to be there. She wouldn’t have dealt with such crippling loneliness. 

“I have to go back inside.” She turns to unlock her door, scared of him and everything building between them. 

He doesn’t stop her this time, she can feel his eyes heavy on her back and she halts when he calls out. 

“Just.....don’t ignore my messages okay?”

She inhales, wiping at the wet sheet of tears on her face. She should ignore him, he is “do not answer” for a reason. 

She nods slowly, “I won’t.” The scariest part is that she means it. 

“Good. Come to school tomorrow, it’s boring without you.” 

She doesn’t reply and closes the door without turning back, using it has support when her legs finally give out inside. All of her strength suddenly depleted. 

She walks straight to her room, sitting at her large vanity looking back at a reflection of a girl she can't recognize.

The purple tiara sits ridiculously on top of her head, all flashy plastic rhinestones and glitter, something out of a child's dream. Her dream.  She brings one trembling finger to touch it and without her permission her face breaks into a smile, it's small and fleeting but accompanied with the rosy blush on her cheeks she stares in shock at the face that looks so much like her but can't be.

"Who are you?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Seojun slips on his helmet roughly, he plans on texting her and making sure she keeps her promise. His heart is still recovering from her reaction to retrieving the gift, it was apparent she assumed something else was occurring. It almost looked like she thought he was going to kiss her but she hadn’t moved away, not right away. Did that mean..... 

The engine of a sounds behind him shocks him out of his dangerous inklings and he twists his head to see sleek SUV pulling into the hidden garage, the metallic door lifting up to house the vehicle. He doesn’t move, eyes locked on the car. Hands tightening on the armbars he waits impatiently but determined. When the door finally opens and an older man steps out, shorter than him with salt and pepper hair and glasses on his weathered face his blood boils all at once. 

“Can I help you? Do you have business here?” 

Taking a deep grounding breath, he slides a leg over his motorcycle and revs it to life the rumbling engine calming his homicidal thoughts. 

He will never forget this face, he looks like a normal middle-aged man nothing revealing the evil that lurks inside. Menacingly he slowly raises his hand, extending his pointer and lifting his thumb, darkly satisfied when a look of surprise flashes on the older man's face.

"Bang." He pulls back his finger sharply, and now the man is walking angrily towards him but he's ready for this and he twists the throttle and speeds off.

You're not going to hurt her anymore, I'll make sure if it.

The bike thundering beneath him echoes the powerful intent in his mind.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Her father’s pounding on her door shocked her so much the tiara fell off her head as she jolted, she'd carefully picked it up and hid it in a draw fiercely protective of the object already. She knew she shouldn’t keep it but she can’t imagine throwing it away. 

Just for a little bit. 

"You're meeting someone tomorrow, you'll go right after school. Stop at a store and buy an outfit, something fitting for a date. His father is someone I need on my side, don't mess this up."

She'd sat numb at her father's callous words, he clearly had no issue using his only child to gain favors from others.

"Oh and one more thing, I saw some delinquent outside he even threatened me. You better not know who that punk is. If I ever see him around here again I'll call the police."

That comment has been replaying in her mind all day, he shouldn't have come over yesterday and she shouldn't have humored him by going outside. She kept forgetting rationality around him and it would get them both in danger, her father had all but promised that.

After some careful consideration, she decides to seek him out because school is the safest place they can interact without her father knowing.

He's not in the classroom and she tries to think about where else the boy might be, he's usually never too far from her and she realizes that she hasn't seen him today besides their morning classes. He'd seemed distant then, barely looking at her before drooping off to sleep.

After searching the entire school she's no closer to finding the boy and she sighs in exasperation, why is he so elusive today when she commonly can't get him to leave her alone?

Pulling out her phone, she hesitates for a second before mustering the courage.

Where are you?

Staring at the message she clicks the heel of her shoe, watching the message change from delivered and to read. Her stomach clenches as she waits to see his response, maybe he's already tired of her and finally decided to listen to her advice?

Hating the way her heart thumps in anticipation she moves to pocket her phone but before she can complete the movement, it vibrates to life in her hand.

She freezes.

It's foolish because she sent the first message and she's looking for him but now she's too nervous to check her phone.

Thinking of the soothing beating of his heart on that day, she feels her own heart calming.

Feeling fortified, she lifts the phone and with a sigh opens the message.

In the gym. Why? You miss me?

Is this what this emotion is? This gnawing feeling in her chest when she couldn't find him, it can't be right? They are nothing to each other, correction she's nothing to him.

So no, she can’t miss him. 

She clears her thoughts as she walks to the gym, wondering why she never considered looking there.

Sweat and musk clings in the air when she presses the double doors open and all eyes shift to her instantly, slipping on her mask she suppresses the nerves lurking behind her placid stare.

Meeting his eyes across the room, she can't help but notice how sweaty he looks his fringe sticking to his forehead and a droplet rolls down his forearm. Swallowing deeply she closes the gap between them, peering up at him. Discomforted at the way she feels when he slowly smiles at her.

"We need to talk." She doesn't wait for his answer, grabbing his wrist and tugging him from the room. Pretending she doesn't feel all the eyes watching their every movement, everyone needs to just mind their own business.

When they're outside, away from the audience she releases his arm. His heat warming her own cool palm. Suddenly he grabs her hand, twisting them and stroking at the raw shredded skin.

She snatches her hand away harshly, glaring at him. But his angry stare douses her own, a thick vein protrudes from his forehead.

"Did he do this to you? He growls, his fists tightening into balls again.

She stares at him in confusion, unprepared for the level of frustration he's exuding.

Feeling like honestly will be the best thing she shakes her head in decline, "No. I did this to myself."

Disgust. Malice. Contempt. She waits for any of those emotions to cover his face but he's never logical.

"Why?"

Concern. Always genuine concern.

She's never thought of the reason behind her strange compulsion, the desire to wash her hands overwhelming at times.

She's not ready to ponder the psychosis of her actions, not with him and not with herself.

"Did you see my father yesterday?" She changes the topic, regaining control over the conversation before he derails it too far off track.

His lips twists illustrating his displeasure at her obvious attempt to dodge his question but he looks away before replying.

"Yes. After you left, I saw him."

"Did he see your face?"

His eyes dart over her face, as he's searching for an answer to a question only he knows. 

Slowly he drawls, "No. I had my helmet on. He didn't see me."

The same moment she releases a sigh of relief he cheekily asks, "Were you worried about me?"

Staring at his smirking face she feels her anger flare back to life passionately.

“Do you think this is a joke? He can destroy you! Stop acting without thinking about the consequences!” She whispers harshly at him, very aware of their precarious situation in the hallway and how easily rumors can spread in this god forsaken school. 

“You are worried about me.” He looks even more pleased as he nods smugly. 

“Are you insane? Did you listen to a word I said. Seojun, this isn’t a joke!” 

He steps closer, eyes harden sharply like someone flipped a switch. “You don’t need to worry about me. He can’t do anything to me, I’m going to protect you.”

Protect her. No one has ever uttered those words to her, and she lets them wash over her before rejecting them, sneering at him with contempt at his brazen claim she says, “Stop saying nonsense. You need to worry about yourself.” 

She walks away with her heart firmly lodged in her throat. 

I’m going to protect you. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ju-Kyung and Su-ah are disappointed when she tells them that she can’t go with them for tteokbokki but they don’t ask her too many questions, easily believing her lie about going to night classes. She hates lying to them but there’s no way to explain what she’s doing without exposing too much about her father. 

She rushes out of the school thankfully running into no one, not even a certain nosy shadow. He’s shrouded by his friends and girls who swoon at the sight of him looking in disdain she leaves the school, reminding herself this is how it’s supposed to be. 

The boutique is expensive, a store associate greeting her at the door and showing her around immediately as if she can smell the money on her. She couldn’t care less about what she wears and she informs the clerk to choose whatever she thinks is appropriate for a date, the word poisonous on her tongue. It’s her first date and it’s with someone she has no amorous feelings for, someone she has never even met before. She walks out of the store with her uniform folded neatly in a bag as she decided to walk out in the new outfit. The clerk had chosen a soft lilac dress with chiffon ruffles lining the hem and shoulders, paired with a white heels and a matching bag. She allowed it because it felt nothing like her, she would have never chosen this for a date and that made her feel like she got to keep a little bit of herself, he wouldn’t be getting the real her. 

She checks the address on her phone once more, walking to the street corner to hail a cab feeling like she’s off to an execution. 

But that’s when she hears a feminine cry, looking around frantically she sees a young girl across the street surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves, high school boys. They are all laughing and rowdy, seemingly unbothered by the terrified wide gaze of their supposed prey. The cab driver beeps his horn at her impatiently and she ignores it, instinctively making her decision. Running across the street with no thought of her own safety, she smacks away a dirty paw that is reaching out for the trembling girl, her eyes made larger by the huge glasses resting on the bridge of her pert nose. She seems oddly familiar. 

“What are you scum bags doing?” She steps in front of the girl shielding her from their unwanted attention. 

They all cheer and holler, turning to jostle each other as if they have been given a gift. 

With a smarmy smile, one of the boys steps forward pursuing her body with hungry eyes, “Well look here boys, we caught an ever better catch. Look at this sexy little thing.” 

He grabs his palms together as they all shout in agreement and when she feels a hand on her wrist, she twists away pulling herself out her reach and swiftly kicks him in the knee he falls to the ground with a grunt of pain. 

“What the fuck! You bitch!” He curses at her and another boy lunges forward to grab her but she easily ducks out of his reach and punches in in the chest. The other boys watch in clear astonishment, slowly retreating from her with their hands outreached trying to placate her. 

“Hey, hey we’re sorry we were just messing with her. We’re going okay, calm down.” 

But then she feels a hand on her ankle and she turns to dig her sharp heel into the offending hand, his scream of pain ringing pleasantly in her ears. 

“Get out of my sight before I break your face.” 

They all rush to follow her order, picking up their fallen friends on the ground hurling more curses in her direction but leaving with their tails between their legs, pathethic little vermin. 

“Are you okay?” She turns to the younger girl with gentle eyes, looking over her body for any injuries and relaxing when she sees nothing out of place. 

“Ye-s-s.” She stutters out looking at her with something akin to wonder and awe in her eyes, she shifts uncomfortably under the stare. She isn’t anyone’s hero, she just did what anyone would do. 

“Okay. Get home safely. “ She starts to walk away but then a small hand grips her forearm, turning back with curious eyes she looks at the other girl waiting for her to explain. 

“Thank you. This is the second time you’ve saved me.” 

She looks at the other girl in confusion, taking in her face and those glasses and suddenly the memory resurfaces in her mind. The girl’s bathroom and all those jealous girls ganging up on her, breaking her down because she was better than them she hated those people the worst. Bullies that were so insecure that they lashed out and tried to hurt others, she had grown up seeing one her whole life. 

“That was you.”

“You’re always saving me. Thank you so much.’ 

Shaking her head she replies, “I wasn’t the one who saved you that day. It as Ju-Kyung, I only came at the end. You don’t need to thank me.” 

But the other girl ignores her and begins to bow deeply repeating her words of gratitude, she reaches out to bring her back up. 

“Stop. You don’t need to do this.” 

“Do you want to get some coffee?” She blinks at the sudden question, blinking and then staring some more. 

“I just feel so grateful to you, I don’t know what I would have done if you didn’t come. You’ve helped me so much, it’s the least I can do. Please.” 

She checks her watch discretely, there is still some time before her “date” and looking at the round pleading eyes of the girl she feels her resolve weaken, sighing she goes against her good sense and nods. 

“Okay, we can get some coffee. But I have another.....engagement.” She struggles to find the correct word for the sham of a date and settles on that. She would much rather call it a business transaction but that would yield too many questions. 

The young girl beams at her, animatedly dragging her off her excited voice sweet and high as she praises a nearby coffee shop. 

“My Oppa works there, he can give us free coffee!” She states with youthful entitlement evident in her tone, she has no doubt that she will be given what she wants. It must be nice. 

The coffee shop is a quaint spot, she’s never noticed it before despite being in this area before. A bell rings announcing their arrival and they both walk up to the register. 

“Oppa! I’m here!” The girl calls out, leaning easily across the counter with no sense of decency, there are no other customers in the store though so there’s no one to judge her and Sujin finds her behavior oddly cute, she’s quite the ball of energy. 

“Oh, you’re here?” 

A chill runs down her spine. She knows that voice. But it can’t be? 

But life isn’t done making a mockery of her yet because Seojun turns around, coffee pot in his hand looking...interesting in his uniform she takes the image in greedily before forcing her eyes away. 

“Can we have free coffee? This is my unnie Kang Sujin.” 

“Unnie?” They both cry at the same time and the younger girl immediately grabs onto her arm, huge puppy eyes penetrating her face. “Can I call you unnie? You already saved me two times. I feel like you’re my guardian angel.” 

She stands shocked by the girl’s admission but before the words are finished processing in her foggy mind, Seojun shouts out looking murderous “Saved you? Did someone try to bully you again? Who is it? I’ll kill them.” 

Unsure of who she should reply to she just stares at them both like a fish on land. floundering around. They are both such forces of nature. 

“I’m fine Oppa.” She watches the girl roll her eyes as if his behavior is common and something to be peeved about, “These boys were trying to bother me but unnie came and beat them up! It was like something out of a movie, they all ran away crying.” The girl tries to demonstrate the moves waving her arms and legs around wildly, almost knocking the coffee cup from her brother’s hand. 

“Hey!” He yells in warning, moving the hot pot away. “Be careful before you hurt yourself.” 

The younger girl looks chastised for merely a second before she’s announcing she needs to use the bathroom and running off, leaving them alone to stare after her. 

Awkward silence remains in the wake of her departure. 

She’s tempted to run away, he is the last person she wants to see right now. 

“You really did that? For Go-woon ah?” His voice is soft, almost shy. For once he isn’t the same self-assured Seojun she’s used to see, he looks younger and the resemblance between the siblings is uncanny now with him looking at her with the same look of awe, his little sister had just minutes ago. 

“I.....yes I helped her. They were idiots, I did for myself. They were an eye sore.” 

But despite her dismissal, he smiles-toothy and ridiculously charming. It’s almost painful to look at, he shouldn’t be allowed to smile like that. 

She stares at him lost in his smile and when he reaches out to grasp her hand, she doesn’t fight it helplessly leaning closer to meet him over the counter, their eyes are locked as the space between them shortens, their bodies moving as if they’re opposite ends of a magnet. 

“Thank you for helping my sister.” He breathes out, his deep voice smooth and airy suddenly there isn’t enough air in the room. He rubs a thumb across the expanse of her hand, and she forgets to be self-conscious and simply enjoys the tender caress. 

“Oppa! Can we get free coffee or not? Why aren’t you making it?” Go-woon’s loud voice shatters the intimate moment as they both fly apart, she moves halfway across the room in her shock. 

Go-woon looks between them both suspiciously, “Did I interrupt something? You both look guilty.” 

“No!” They shout in sync again, Sujin groans realizes that this probably only serves at making them look even more guilty. Go-woon’s mischievous eyes confirm her thoughts. 

“I’ll make your coffee. You can both have a seat.” 

Go-woon starts to walk away to find a table, but she checks her watch again realizing she doesn’t have much time left if she’s going to be on time, she has to leave now. 

“Can I have mine to go? I have to be somewhere and I’m almost late.” 

Then Go-woon chirps in, “Me too oppa! I just realized I have to start a project, I should go home.” 

He stares at them both blankly before shifting his gaze to Sujin, “Where are you going?” He asks finally taking in her outfit, his gaze starting on her face and boldly sliding down her figure. His stare is hot enough to burn. 

Go-woon giggles answering for her, “Oppa look at her, come on. it’s clear she’s going on a date. Boys really don’t know anything.” 

She blanches as how easily the young girl is able to correctly assess the situation, she hadn’t thought it would be that easy to see. 

Seojun’s eyes harden as he turns away, staring at the coffee brewer as it works. He grabs two cups and pours the dark hot liquid in, before adding milk and a syrup and a layer of whipped cream on top. Go-woon hums happily clearly this is her preference as he hadn’t asked her how she wanted her coffee. 

He silently hands the cups to them both. His face is blank and unreadable vast difference from the beatific smile he had blessed her with earlier. She feels as if she has done something wrong, but she has no clue what that is. 

“Go straight home and don’t talk to anyone. Call me when you get home alright?”  

Go-woon is barely listening to him instead she’s happily licking at the thick layer of cream on her cup cooing at the sweetness. 

“Unnie, thank you again. I hope you enjoy your date, I’ll see you at school!” She suddenly has an armful of Go-woon before the girl is bounding out the door with only a “Bye oppa” to her brother thrown over her shoulder. 

“You haven’t said it’s not true yet?” 

She turns back to look at him, tilting her head lightly before sipping from her cup. She’s never had coffee this sweet, but it’s delicious so she takes another sip humming at the flavor. 

He looks away for a moment, his chest expanding deeply before he turns back to her. 

“What are you talking about?”

“Your date. That you have a date, is that true?”

She raises an eyebrow at this straightforwardness, gone in the shy boy she only saw for a minute and this is the Seojun she is familiar with. 

“I didn’t.”  She agrees. 

“Why?” 

“Because it’s true. I am going on a date.” 

During the conversation he started wiping down the already pristine counter but at her words his hand freezes and she watches his fist tighten in the wash cloth he ultimately throws it to the side to direct all his focus on her now, no longer nonchalant and unbothered.  

“With who? Do you like him?” 

She laughs meanly at his question, “You’re so naïve to my world. A date is just another business transaction, he is the son of someone my father needs on his side. I’m his peace offering.” 

“What?” He barks loudly, looking like he wants to hurt someone. She can imagine who that person might be. 

“Don’t get attached to me. My life isn’t mine to live.” She says tired of this discussion and all the feelings he has brought to the surface. Lifting her coffee cup she bids him farewell, “Thank you for the coffee.” 

She doesn’t give him a chance to reply, already knows what he’s going to say but he doesn’t understand everything isn’t as black and white as he keeps assuming they are he needed a reality check, so she provided one. 

Once on the sidewalk she checks her phone, she only has twenty minutes to spare. She can’t afford to wait for a cab so she opens the cab service app, entering the address and sighing in relief when the ETA says that she will arrive in fifteen minutes. Accepting the charge and confirming her location she sighs before lowering her phone, waiting. 

But then she feels arms curl around her shoulder, bringing her back into a solid surface she almost fights the sudden embrace until he whispers in the side of her head, “Don’t go.” 

She tries to pull away but he only holds her tighter, his arms are strong as he holds her firmly against his body. His warmth soaks into her skin and the urge to fight melts away as she relaxes into his embrace, he smells like the deep roast he had poured for them and something inexplicably Seojun that can’t be described with mere words. 

“Stop,” She pleads with him, she has to go even if the idea of going on a date with someone else makes her sick to her stomach. 

Someone else. Where did that come from? Did that mean that she wanted to go on a date with Seojun? 

She can’t answer that question, doesn’t want to deal with the reality. 

“No. I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop. Sujin, don’t go.” 

She shivers as his words curl around her just as warm and tempting as his arms around her shoulders. 

“Why are you doing this?” She demands, her eyes already filling up with tears of frustration she’d convinced herself she had to do this, let herself be used. It was easier this way to listen to her father. But he’s making everything hard and she needs to know why he cares. 

“Why do you care who I go on a date with? Why are you doing this?” She screams into the air, deflating into his arms after her tantrum. Letting him brunt the entirety of her weight, he doesn’t even budge easily holding her up. He shifts his body, bringing his chin onto her head and holding her tighter, leaving no space between them. 

“Isn’t it obvious by now princess?” 

She opens her mouth to berate him, not that damn nickname again. He seriously needed to stop that before she got accustomed to it even now instead of annoyance a foreign emotion rose up inside of her. 

“I told you to stop calling me tha--” 

“I like you.” 

The breath is punched from her lungs and her head swims with his words and she has no retort, no quick rebuttal, nothing. He has left her utterly and devastatedly speechless. 

[spectrumed]

7. identity

The aesthetic of suffering, the allure of victimhood, it’s important to acknowledge that to many people, the idea of struggling with mental illness is hot. A common trope in teen dramas is the existence of the sexy bad boy haunted by demons of depression or addiction or some other psychological malady. Women with mental illness tend to be sexualised, less, but then again, women are most typically always sexualised, no matter the state of their mental health. But it’s not just a case of some people finding mental illness to be attractive in others, many see mental illness in themselves as something to take pride in, to celebrate and nurture. To seek out a diagnosis, to infiltrate communities that exist to provide support to those in need, and to declare themselves as being special. Fakers, you could call them. Yes, we’re going to be entering into dangerous grounds here, talking about a potentially incendiary topic that might feed the flames of controversy, but it’s a topic worth discussing. Self-diagnosis. Is self-diagnosis valid or not? Should one self-diagnose? Is it ableism to be against self-diagnosis? Is it ableism to be for self-diagnosis? Is it ableism itself ableist? I don’t know, sweetheart, you are asking a whole bunch of questions and I am hungover… But let’s go on rambling about what it means to be labelled neurodivergent.

Do you have an identity? Do you root for a particular sports team? Do you like a particular kind of music? Do you dance a lot? Are you a dancer? What are you? Simply stating that you’re just “a human” probably won’t do. Sure, it’s correct, but I am also a human, and we could be two very different kinds of people. Your identity should be that certain something that makes you stand apart from the rest, that distinguishes you from the squirming mass of flesh that is the whole of humanity. There are plenty of things about you that do figure in your identity, even though you wish it didn’t. You’re black, you don’t wish to always be “that black guy over there,” but you’ve come to realise that’s just how society views you. Maybe you are a transwoman, and you very eagerly want your friend to stop introducing you as her “trans bestie.” You’re just a woman, you don’t need her to keep labelling you as trans, even though that's what you are. There are many ways we can change our identity through direct personal action. Maybe you could start wearing a hat, and be known as “that hat guy” to the people you work with. Maybe you could embrace a punk aesthetic, looking like young Johnny Rotten stepped into a time machine and got transported to the current day. Actions like these can have a big or small impact on how others see you, but it feels good to be able to make a decision like that and get a response. This is me, this is what I am. I’m the guy who wears bow-ties, don’t I look cool? If only shaping your sense of self always came down to personal decisions like that. You don’t always have a choice.

I’ve lately been watching some Conan O’Brien (American TV talk show host who’s recently decided not to be a TV talk show host) clips. I am sure I don’t need to explain who Conan O’Brien is to my readers, but just in case this is being read by aliens ten-thousand years from now, what I can tell you is that Conan O’Brien is well known for being freakishly tall. Like, really tall. He’s an elongated leprechaun. He’s turned being tall into one of his trademarks. Like many comedians, he’s come to use his corporeal form as a source for levity and fun. While, naturally, the man did not choose to grow as tall as he did, he’s come around to use his height not as a hindrance to success, but rather as an asset. He’s “that tall irish guy on the TV,” and he’s been that person for nearly thirty years. It pays to have some distinguishing feature if you wish to be distinguished. Mr. Joe Average might be perfectly funny and charming, but being an average-looking guy can be wholly detrimental in making a career for yourself as a funnyman. At least get yourself some weird voice, or something. Maybe pretend to be some foreigner and put on a fake accent. As a comedian your job is to be exploited, you wish to be made into a commodity to be sold. People will want to watch your special because of that funny face you pull in the thumbnail. To be different can be financially lucrative.

What’s the best approach in turning something that could be perceived as an abnormal feature into something that is beneficial to you? To make jokes about it? Certainly, if I were to meet a man with a heavily scarred face, I feel there’d likely be a tension between me and him that could be dispelled if that man with the heavily scarred face made some little joke about his appearance, some little quip. “I’m sorry, I cut myself shaving this morning,” would do. The person isn’t obliged to justify his existence to me, he does not have to go out of his way to make me feel less uncomfortable. I am the one in the wrong, certainly. I shouldn’t look at a person with a heavily scarred face and feel uncomfortable, that’s me letting prejudices get in the way, I know that. But, it is what it is. If you’re looking for a practical solution, telling people to simply get over themselves and learn to not be so awkward around folks with physical deformities won’t do. It may be the right thing, but it’s not going to happen any time soon. I am sure that the man with the heavily scarred face isn’t interested in being defined by his heavily scarred face. He's probably sick and tired of that little joke, and wish he didn’t have to make it. But it does the job. Suddenly, you are not looking at something to be feared, the other, you are looking at a person, and someone with a sense of humour. The importance of humour in eradicating stigma, making it possible for the ostracised to enter in society, cannot be understated. Through humour, you can convince most everyone that you are someone worthy of inclusion, because… well, you’re just a funny guy, who doesn’t wanna hang out with you?

For those who have grown up not feeling normal, worrying that there are aspects of your character that others may perceive as unwanted, the yearning to be liked can at times become excruciating. I like to consider myself a funny person, while this blog isn’t intended to be a humorous one, occasionally small little jokes will squirm their way to the top, like worms coming up to the surface during a rainstorm. I am also a cartoonist, and produce a new cartoon every other day. My humour isn’t universal, no good humour ever is universal, but it’s done good in getting some folks to like me. Some people want to be admired, some people want to be feared. I only want to be liked. The one thing I absolutely do not want to be is pitied. I don’t want your pity, I fear your pity.

You’re probably familiar with The Sims, right? It’s a life simulation game, where you control a little digital human, known as a sim, and try to help them make the right decision through life. Each sim has a number of meters that measures their current needs. Hunger, hygiene, energy, if they need to urinate or defecate (though, frankly, the distinction between the two isn’t made in the game, so one can assume that sims are like birds and have just one cloaca that does both,) and so on. One of these meters is for social activities. If a sim hasn’t been social in a while, they go nutty. What’s interesting here, the reason why I bring it up, is that in real life, though we all (to a lesser or greater degree) crave to socialise with others, what kind of socialising you do is of a very big importance. There are a myriad of ways in which one can be social, and depending on your needs at the time, one kind of socialising may not do, whereas another kind of socialising may be just what you need. Do you want to hang out with your pals, cracking jokes and maybe drinking a couple of beers? Do you want to have a serious conversation with your partner about what you wish to accomplish together? Do you want to play with your dog? These different social situations scratch different parts of your mind, and you can’t just substitute one for the other and think that’s all alright. A person may have tonnes of friends, lots of buddies to spend their time with, but they may still desperately be yearning for another kind of social interaction, one that none of their friends can deliver. The human need for company is more complex than how it is depicted in The Sims… which, to be fair, probably shocks nobody. The Sims doesn’t pretend that it’s some highly realistic simulation of real life, it’s a game meant to be played for fun. But what’s important here is the fact that while humans do have a need to be social, how that need is fed changes dramatically on the person, and their conditions. Socialising that may bring comfort to one person, may bring discomfort to another person.

I don’t want you to pity me. I may list my diagnoses, I may tell you of the difficulties that I face in life, but I do not want you to feel sorry for me. I want you to be entertained reading this, I don’t want to make you weep thinking about how cruel life can be. I don’t want you thinking I’m special, or different, because of my diagnoses. I want you to think I’m special and different because of my writing. Sure, this blog is about living with autism spectrum disorder, but I don’t want you reading this blog just because it’s about autism spectrum disorder. I want you to read this because, while it is about a diagnosis you are interested in learning more about, you also find what I write to be well-written and at times, mildly humorous. This blog isn’t my rabid manifesto detailing all the ways my life sucks, and what must be done by society to appease me. Nah, I’m doing relatively fine, don’t feel bad for me, please. I don’t want that kind of attention. I do want attention, I won’t lie and tell you that I don’t have an ego, or that I don’t get pleased seeing people like the things I put out there. I do have a social need, it’s just that being pitied does not do it for me. It doesn’t make me feel good. It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel sad. It really makes me feel mad.

We’re finally getting around to the topic I promised I would discuss. Self-diagnosis. A principal concern people have with self-diagnosis is that people only self-diagnose in order to receive pity from others. The difference between someone like me, who’s got a proper official diagnosis, and someone who is self-diagnosed, is that I don’t want your pity. I don’t want you to fetishise my diagnosis, this thing about me that I did not choose to be. I don’t want special favours just because of my diagnosis, I don’t want to be known as “that cartoonist with autism.” I am autistic, I’ve come to accept that, but I don’t want anyone to introduce me as “their friend who’s on the spectrum.” Some may accuse me of self-loathing, treating being autistic like some bad thing that I am ashamed of. But that’s not it. After all, I did start this blog to discuss what it is like. I just don’t want to be defined by this certain something that lies outside of my control. I don’t want it to be my “thing.” I don’t mind being referred to as a hairy cartoonist, because I am pretty hairy. I don’t want to cut my hair any time soon (especially with this plague going around.) No-one would pity me just because I am hairy. At most they may regard me as a good-for-nothing beatnik, and I’m okay with that. Ideally, I still want to be liked, but anything is better than being pitied. To be pitied is to be robbed of your own agency, your own potential. Sure, it gets you that attention you may be craving, but at the cost of infantilization. Autistic people often struggle with being infantilized by society, to the point where some folks don’t even realise that there are autistic grown-ups in the world. Anyone who would voluntarily seek out a diagnosis just to be pitied, well… it doesn’t sit right with me. It makes me, quite frankly, feel demoralised.

But not all people self-diagnose just to get pity from others, right? For some it’s genuinely their only option, likely living in a barely-functioning country like the United States where receiving psychiatric care is expensive and it’s just not something they can afford. It’s unfair of me to phrase self-diagnosing as just a quest to receive pity, it’s way more complicated than that. And yes, I’d have to agree. To know all the reasons why a person may self-diagnose, you have to go personally ask them. Even if it is possible to highlight a few certain trends, things that they all have in common, it’s bound to be impossible to make this one sweeping generalisation to explain everything. All I am saying is that there absolutely are those people who do self-diagnose with the explicit goal of getting pitied. Whether they are knowingly faking their condition or not, to them, being pigeonholed as a person with autism isn’t at all a negative. It’s their identity. It is how they have chosen to let the world see them. They made a choice. They chose this label. This is why many people who have official diagnoses are sceptical of those who've only got a self-diagnosis. Whether your self-diagnosis is accurate or not, in the end, you chose to identify yourself with it. You made a decision, oblivious of the fact that many people don’t get to make that kind of a decision, and they may bear resentment for how you are turning something they’ve faced ostracization for, into what is potentially on the same level as listening to a certain kind of music, or being a supporter of a sports team. A diagnosis is not something you should choose to have.

There are other things to say about self-diagnosis. First of all, it can be dangerous. Some of the diagnoses I’ve seen people give themselves are really serious, things like personality disorders or psychosis. Psychiatrists are very careful when putting these kinds of labels on people, knowing the harm that it can do. A diagnosis is meant to only be given after careful deliberation, and after long conversations with the patient. Psychiatrists know that reducing a person to a set of symptoms can have detrimental effects to that person’s sense of self. If you’re trying to cling on to a diagnosis, seeing it as a major part of your identity, then that may hamper any attempts you make to become a better person, to improve your mental health. You will feel as if you need to correspond to the exact specifications of the disorder, and you will not allow yourself to grow naturally as a complicated human being, a human being whose internal life is far too vast to be fully rounded up with some psychiatric jargon. There are plenty of things about me that do not line up with the diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorder, and guess what, that’s quite good actually. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have autism, I very much do, but I realise that as a person, I am more than just my diagnosis. The diagnosis does not define me, I define the diagnosis. If you self-diagnose, do you comprehend all that you are getting yourself into? Are you going to find yourself in psychological traps that will only serve to worsen your mental health? It’s hard to look at yourself objectively, you could easily be misrepresenting yourself inside your own mind. You may effectively be locking parts of yourself away, making it so you are no longer able to see the full you. You will no longer be all there, you will be segmented in favour of upholding the defining marks of a diagnosis that doesn’t suit you.

Instead of self-diagnosing, try doing a self-assessment. Keep in mind that, while you may have this diagnosis, it’s too early to say for sure. You’re going to need somebody else’s input. You’ll need to sit with it for a while to see if it sticks. Keep an open mind, realise that there’s no easy way to explain exactly who you are, or what you are like. It’s very possible that you will come to realise that you are in fact autistic, or have whatever other diagnosis you may suspect describes you. I, after all, came to the conclusion that I was autistic before I got the diagnosis (though, I was going to therapy at that point, and I was on the way to undergo a neuropsychiatric evaluation.) It’s not bad to try and get to understand yourself, don’t come out of this thinking that self-reflection is only possible with a psychiatrist looming over you, telling you how to think about things. We all need to come to certain conclusions over how we self-identify, and sometimes you need to take mental leaps to explain certain things. Just don’t feel as if your best option is to put a label on yourself that can potentially negatively affect your psychological well-being. If you are truly searching for understanding, if your goal is to find out more about yourself, you should act with caution and concern for what you are doing. If all you are looking for is to have people pity you, then… well… I don’t know what to say, really…

[yuzukult]

effortlessly pt. 4 || jungkook & reader

title: effortlessly  pairing: jungkook x reader genre: fluff, romance, school!au, smut (not in this chapter) words:  3.8k on the shorter side note: again, i may need to do some proofreading!!! enjoy :)

series: part one || part two || part three || part four || part five || part six || part seven || part eight || part nine || part ten || epilogue 

The sun shining through the blinds warms your skin as you groan while rubbing your eyes drowsily at the contact. Sliding off Jungkook’s body and cloaking your face into the pillow, you sigh heavenly. Although still exhausted, after confessing your feelings to the sleeping Jungkook the night before, you felt relieved. 

Jungkook? He thinks he hasn’t slept a wink. There may have been a moment or two where he dazed off to the point that he thought he fell asleep but in actuality, he could barely get himself to close his eyes long enough. 

Well, you did tell him you loved him last night. 

How else was he supposed to react? He spent the entire 8 hours with a billion thoughts running through his mind incessantly. Sure, he constantly showered you with affection, occasionally slipping in some pick up lines, and flirting ceaselessly but he never believed that you would ever reciprocate those same feelings... or even come close to the point of potentially realizing how you felt. A hopeful dream was what it was and the only way to prevent heartbreak was to prioritize his aspirations to become a swimmer. 

Regardless of that... he’d been in love with you for over a decade, so what does this mean now?

You confessed to his sleeping body, or well— “sleeping.” Does he tell you that he heard everything you said? Would that be too much? It felt like he was eavesdropping on a conversation he shouldn’t have listened in on, even if you were saying it directly to him. But you said those things unfiltered, assuming that he wouldn’t hear anything.

Chewing his bottom lip with his brows wrinkled, he pondered in silence as your body beside him is shifting constantly under the covers, switching in different positions. Edges of his mouth twitching into a soft smile at the sight of you, he runs his fingers through his messy locks, finally coming to a decision.

Jungkook is going to take this opportunity to tell you that he loves you. The proper way, of course, since technically he isn’t supposed to know about your confession. He’s going to make up for what happened with what should have happened.

“You’re awake?” You grumble, voice husky. He chuckles at the sound, pinching your cheek gently. “Yeah, been awake for a while. Getting up any time soon?”

Shaking your head, you drop your face back into the pillow, muffling your words. “I just wanna sleep all day. Did you have any plans for today?” 

He hums a moment in thought, glancing over at you. “I didn’t initially, but I think we should do something today. Did you have anything in mind that you want to do lately?”

Turning your head, you glare at your best friend. “You’re the one who wants to go somewhere.”

“True but I wanted to give you the option to pick.”

Rolling your eyes, you purse your lips in response. “Let’s get pizza and go to the beach.”

“Beach?”

“Yeah, you said you wanted to give me an option to pick. I heard it’s going to be nice and hot outside, and if you’re not letting me stay indoors in the amazing AC, you’re taking me to the beach to cool down.”

“Sassy,” He says, pushing a strand of your hair away from your face and behind your ear. “But okay. We can do that. I’m down for it.”

“Just us two?”

“Just us two.” You liked the sound of that.

The sun barely pecks your skin in the morning but it’s noon now, and the sun hates you. Toes digging into the sand as Jungkook leads to find a spot to put the umbrella, you’re weeping from the heat under your feet and the sun scorching your skin.

“Jungkook, I’m fucking melting.”

“Yes miss, we are all melting in this heat. We are all bitches to the sun right now.”

You’re grumbling, dragging your legs with you as you fix the straps on the duffle bag that sits as a crossbody on your frame. “Jeon, hurry up and pick a spot before I become one with the sand!”

“Quit being such a drama queen.” He rolls his eyes playfully, finally deciding on a spot that wasn’t too far from the water but wasn’t close enough to be swept in by the tide. “This seems like a good spot.”

“It only took months.” He flicks your forehead. “I said quit it, drama queen.”

After sticking the umbrella into the sand and setting up the rest of the necessities for the day, you throw your body onto the mat, groaning loudly in relief that the tasks had been completed. “I enjoy this, other than the sun burning my skin before I even got the chance to put on sunscreen.”

“You’re still in your denim shorts and T-shirt,” Jungkook comments, now shirtless with just his swim trunks on. “That’s why you’re sweating like that. Hurry and get ready, I’ll put sunblock on you.” Abiding by his instruction, you strip yourself from the shirt that clings to your body in sweat and the thick shorts that absorbed most of the sun’s heat. Left in your bikini, you turn yourself around to lay on the mat.

His breath hitches again— it seems to be a common reaction from him lately to anything that has to do with you. He wishes he could press butterfly kisses against your soft and supple skin but he shakes away the urges before squirting some of the sunscreen in his hands and rub your back.

“Hold on.” You say and he pauses, hands stopping in midair. Your arm reaches around to your back, pulling the strands of your black bikini to unravel, exposing more of your back and he clears his throat when he loses control of his breathing patterns. “What are you doing? We’re in public.”

“Tan lines,” you respond casually, resting your cheek on a folded towel. “Go on.”

Jungkook felt like he was having an inner argument with himself. Everything you did was almost in a teasing manner, and especially with the newfound knowledge that you’re in love with him— he can’t help but find you even more attractive than before. Maybe he was delusional, but he was starting to feel like you were doing this on purpose.

“Thanks.” Retying your top, you turn yourself around to lay on your back, lathering the lotion onto the front portions of your body. “You want me to do yours?”

“No.” He quickly replies, face flushed pink. The thought of your hands touching his skin... he didn’t think he’d be able to handle it. Realizing how suspicious he sounded, he corrects himself. “I mean, no... I’m okay.”

Wrapping your fingers around his wrist, you tighten your grasp before pulling him onto the mat and forcing him to lay on his stomach, squirting a decent amount of the product onto your hands. He’s groaning at the sudden impact, face pressed against the toughness of the mat, rubbing his face with his hand. “What was that for?”

“You’re just being so weird today.” Applying the sunscreen onto his back, you move in motions as his body tenses under your touch. “Can you just relax? You’re starting to be even more weird. Weirder than usual.”

“Weirder than usual?” He reiterates, words a bit muffled from his cheek being crushed. “I’m not being weird.”

“Yes, you are.” You retort sternly, slapping his lower back to insinuate your completion of the task. “All morning. You said you slept, but I can tell you didn’t because well... look at your eyebags! Jeon, what’s wrong with you?”

“Don’t worry about it! Let’s enjoy the day.” He says, finishing up the rest of his body before giving you a wave and jumping into the water.

Jungkook is and always will be insufferable.

Your favorite part of any beach trip is when the sun begins to set, the breeze from the ocean kicking in, and the fragrance of the salty sea is inhaled into your lungs, bringing you a sense of peace and tranquility. The best view along with this is Jungkook, who sits in the sand, feet and lower half of his body submerged in the water, enjoying the weather. The top of the evening was that both your stomachs are full with pizza for dinner.

Standing up from the little area that the two of you had made for yourselves, you invite yourself into a spot beside your best friend, resting your head on his shoulder. “This is nice. The weather, the water, just us. We haven’t had this in a while.”

Turning his head to glance at you, a soft smile appears on his lips. “We’re always together.”

“Not alone, not like this.” You sigh, fingers drawing shapes along the sand. “We’re usually with someone. Your team, Yura... anyone, really. I miss when it’s just the two of us. It feels like you’re afraid to actually be alone with me or something.”

“We have sleepovers though, what about that?”

“Do we ever really talk during movies? Then we sleep right after.”

Lately, it had occurred to you that despite all this “time” that you had been spending with Jungkook wasn’t really any time. Lunch had been inhabited by engaging with girls who crushed on Jungkook, and the remaining times were dedicated to socializing with Yura and his teammates. Movie nights were great, but silence would burden the room, and afterwards, he’d be too tired from a swim meet that he would fall asleep instantaneously. There was no more ‘you and Jungkook’ time. It felt like only just you.

“I guess... I really never thought of it like that.” He admits, fingers threading through his dampen locks. He senses the tenderness in your voice at the topic, a tightening feeling in his chest knowing that he’s the one making you feel this way. “I never paid attention to any of that. Did you feel that way for a while?”

“It’s alright though, just something I have to get used to.” Tearing your head off his shoulder, you lay your body completely onto the sand. “Sometimes I forget that we’re not together. It’s hard because there’s...” Sucking in a deep breath of courage, you continue. “... there’s a fine line between friendship and relationship. That’s why I didn’t want to... you know, have sex again. It felt as though you only wanted to do this because of sex.”

“What?” He interjects immediately, head snapping in your direction. “That’s crazy. I wanted to do it again because I was afraid I ruined it for you.”

“I thought I told you it was good enough!”

“But ‘good enough’ isn’t good enough for me. I love you, and I want to make you feel good, I want to make you feel what you’re worth, and that it wasn’t just some deployment to get rid of our virginities. I meant what I said, I really wanted to give mine to you.”

“Jungkook, you know I love you too. But don’t you want to do it with someone else?”

“No, I don’t. I don’t think you know what it means when I say that I love you.”

Furrowing your brows questioningly, you prop your head onto your arm. “What are you talking about.”

Sighing frustratedly at himself, he positions his body down completely beside yours, head resting on top of his forearm. “I’m in love with you. I thought that you’d never feel the same way about me. I know you thought I was sleeping last night, but I heard what you said.”

Your body is stunned rigid. Jungkook doesn’t stop. “You were my best friend since grade school, and I enjoyed every minute I got to spend with you. Truthfully, I think the time I started to fall for you was when we hit early high school and I realized that guys were chasing you. I never noticed it before, but seeing it then sparked a fire in me. I hated every one of them, even if they were a friend. Then again, who was I to tell these people that they couldn’t have you? I didn’t even have the guts to tell you how much I love you.”

Mouth agape, you inhale deeply. “I... you heard me last night?”

“Of course. I just... didn’t know how to react because what if I make you uncomfortable?”

“Uncomfortable? You’ve vomited, farted, and took a shit in the bathroom as I was showering, and now you’re worried if I’m uncomfortable?” Sitting up with sand sticking to your skin, you ignore the discomfort and lock your gaze with his. “Jungkook, I really meant what I said last night. I... didn’t think you’d ever like me back because you seemed like you weren’t interested in any relationship, honestly.”

“And I meant what I said when I told you that you’re the only girl in my life.”

Lips pursed in the reticence, you dig your toes into the ground, hesitant about speaking. “What does this make us now?” 

Hair pushed back from swimming earlier and cheeks flushed pink from either being sunburned or from finally confessing his feelings for you, he watches your actions. “Would you like to be my girlfriend?”

Everything is marginally outlandish on Monday morning after spending almost every waking moment with Jungkook over the weekend since the confession. There had been heated kisses, multiple cuddling sessions, and deep conversations that lasted through the hours of the night until one of you fell into a deep slumber.

But Monday morning? This means that the time together will include other people. Maybe less PDA, sure, but the thought of people finally knowing that the two of you were an item was... exhilarating, and if you were being forthright, you wanted to show off to the entire school population who Jungkook belonged to.

He’s standing outside of your house, waiting patiently with his car grunting after the start, leaning against the hood with a bright grin spread across his face. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“You look beautiful today.” You think he looks cute smiling cheekily like this. He actually looks like an idiot in other people’s eyes because of how dorky he is.

“I look like this everyday.”

“I know. That just means you’re beautiful everyday.”

Clicking your tongue at the cheesy comment, you make your way down the steps of your front porch as he opens the passenger door for you. “Well, this is new. You’ve never done this before?”

“I’ve also never had a real serious girlfriend before, and here we are.”

“If I knew what I was signing up for, I don’t think I would’ve agreed to this.” He’s in the driver’s seat at this moment, eyes still darting hearts in your direction as he gives your nose a gentle peck. “I’m just happy you’re mine now.”

“So... I take it as you told him you love him?” Yura’s doing the thing where she’s stuffing food in her mouth as she talks, but this time it’s some type of Japanese bread she raves about. “Yura... you’re getting bread all over my desk.”

She rolls her eyes in response, showing you her hand before swiping the crumbs off the surface. “Done-zo. So what now? You guys are dating? Are you going to be one of those girls who will wear their boyfriend’s varsity jacket all around the school? Possibly flaunting that you were able to claim the untouchable Jeon Jungkook?”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“No, you’re not being dramatic enough. What? How long has he been head over heels for you and you had no clue? Not even an ounce?”

“A decade?”

“A fucking decade, my dude. Don’t you just want to show off your new relationship because you’ve waited so long for this moment?”

Pulling off a piece of Yura’s bread, you shove some in her mouth. “Stop talking please, this is so embarrassing.”

“What’s so embarrassing about it?” She accidentally spits a bit of the bread in your face as you scrunch your nose in disgust, wiping off your cheek. “Yura!”

“Sorry. Anyway, what’s so embarrassing about it? You’re acting like he’s some guy who has done bad things and you were desperate enough to settle for a loser. This is your best friend, a potential professional swimmer, who is now your boyfriend. What’s up?”

“I’m kind of scared that all these girls are going to hate me now.” Yura scoffs at your response, shoving the remaining portion of bread in your direction. “You need some sweetness in your morning if you’re going to have such negative thoughts this early in the day.”

“And what about you? Didn’t you also say you had some crush on a guy?”

She waves her hand in dismissal, grabbing another piece of the carb. “He’s my brother’s best friend, not even an arms reach. Let’s switch the topic back to you, though.”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore!” You grunted. “Well, too bad because Mr. Stole-Your-Heart is walking here now.”

Shooting your head around, you’re met with a beaming Jungkook with his swimming duffle slung over his shoulder as Hoseok trails behind. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“We keep greeting like this.”

“So we have.”

“Am I missing something here?” Hoseok impedes into the conversation, perplexity written all over his face. “Why are you guys talking like you haven’t been friends for years now?”

“Well,” Yura begins, eying the male. “They haven’t been dating for years so it’s still fresh. Hence the awkwardness.”

“Wait— you’re dating each other?” Appalled, he stumbles onto a desk behind him, hand over his chest. “You actually told her you loved her? This is crazy. Does this mean that you’re also the girl he keeps talking about that he lost his virginity to?”

Blood rushes to your cheeks, glowing coral. “Potentially.”

Adjusting the straps of his backpack on his shoulders, he straightens himself before twirling his body around to exit the classroom. “Sorry bro, I gotta let the team know. I can’t believe you actually went through with it!”

“Hoseok—” Jungkook rubs his face tiredly when his friend leave before giving you an apologetic look. “I’m going to chase after him. I’ll see you after class?”

“I’ll see you after class,” You confirm, and surprisingly enough, he leans in to give you a quick goodbye kiss before waving at Yura.

Yura’s eyes bulged to the point it looked like it would fall out of its sockets. “He— he actually did that? How much did I actually miss? Did you guys do it again?”

“How many questions are you going to ask?”

“All of them. Any single one that pops into my head. How could I not ask you any of these questions? What’s the point of being your friend if I can’t!” Yura jokes and you retaliate by throwing a pen at her.

“Look at who has arrived! The woman who has tamed our special Kook’s heart!” Namjoon exclaims brightly at the sight of you entering the pool’s arena, backpack over your shoulder as you make your way to your designated spot in the bleachers. “Jesus, stop embarrassing her.” Jungkook counters, pushing the guys away from your seat.

“Aw, come on. We never got to interrogate her as your girlfriend!”

“Isn’t interrogating her as my friend enough?”

“No,” Jin chimes in. “We didn’t get to ask her the girlfriend questions yet.”

Jungkook scowls at his teammates who bluster him at five against one. “What are you going to ask? I’ll answer for her.” 

“Is she the one you lost your virginity to?”

“When did this happen?”

“Is Jungkook even good in bed? He just looks good but what about his delivery—“

“Whoa, whoa whoa!” Jungkook interrupts, dropping his bag onto the ground. “My delivery? You’re questioning my performance?”

“Performance?” Standing beside you at the bleachers, the entire swim team turns their heads in unison at the voice, faces gleaming at the owner of the voice.

“Taehyung!”

“What’s wrong with Jungkook’s performance?” He raises a brow quizzically, adjusting his own bag that hands across his chest. “He’s a great swimmer.”

Hoseok has his arm around the other male, leading him toward the locker room. “Our little Kook has a girlfriend now, and we’re trying to interrogate his girlfriend about his performance.”

“Jungkook has a girlfriend?” When Jimin responds with your name, Taehyung’s gaze meets your figure as you’re leaning comfortably in the spaces between the bleachers, legs pressed against your chest with AirPods occupying your ears and a book in your hand. 

He never said, but Taehyung always had a slight crush on you. The rest of the swim team, including you, had all been around the same age, but he’d be ahead of the crowd in regards to education, therefore graduated earlier than the rest. Earning a swimming scholarship to study abroad restricted himself from ever letting you know his true feelings, but coming back around meant he could take the opportunity to at least let you know how he felt.

But he was too late. Or so you’d think.

“I got this for you, from the States, that is.” 

“A mug?” Lifting up the Starbucks cup in your hand that he wrapped in a bow so carefully, you’re afraid that you’d accidentally unravel it. Grinning from cheek to cheek, your eyes meet with his. “New York?”

“I visited New York for a little bit before coming back here. Thought of you when I saw that. Figured you would like it.”

Gingerly placing the gift back into its bag, you pull out another item that Taehyun has packed for you. “What— what’s this?” He has a mischievous smile washing over his face, tugging at the bow tie around the plush in your hands.

“A sloth.”

“A sloth?”

Taehyung nods in return, hands slipping into the front pockets of his jeans. “You remind me of a sloth. Always so tired, moves slow sometimes—”

“Tae, are you insulting me?” Laughing at your reaction, he immediately shakes his head in discrepancy. “No, it’s a good thing really. You’re cute, and sloths are cute. Grounded, even though they’re in the trees, relaxing to be around, and you can’t help but to like them.”

Nodding in response, you hold the stuffed animal in your arms, content with his answer. “I’ll take that. I really like this, Taehyung. You didn’t have to bring this back for me.”

“Of course I had to bring you something back.” He bends forward, playfully pinching your nose. “You were always coming to our games to support us. Anyways, there’s a letter in the envelope when you get the chance to look more thoroughly.”

“Yep. Well, if you’d excuse me, they’re going to nag at me for leaving the locker room so suddenly instead of getting dressed to practice with them. I’ll catch you later?” You bow your head in agreement as you watch him run in the route of the locker room before searching through the bag before your fingers meet with a thick piece of paper.

Your name is written on the front of the pink envelope. Something makes your stomach churn at the appearance of the item. Inhaling deeply, you tear off the flap, a little too aggressively that the note falls out and onto the floor.

“What’s this?” Jungkook asks, picking up the mysterious paper, handing it to you. “Who gave you that?”

“Uh... Taehyung.”

[bullyingbatman]

the night market

wrote a weird cass-centric urban fantasy au snippet & it wasn't complete enough to post on ao3 so here y'all can have whatever this is

///

Cass slips down the side of the brick wall into the alley below, her presence no more than a rustle of the wind. One end of the alley is a dead end, and in the back of her mind she logs it as a potential escape route, while beyond the other is the hustle and bustle of the Night Market. Behind her, Stephanie emerges from the shadows, hovering at her elbow. Her fingers brush against Cass’ hoodie, a silent I’ve got your back. Cass appreciates it. She checks to make sure her mask– black, expressionless, featureless except for the glowing white eyes– is fixed firmly on her face, pulls up her hood, and steps out into the light.

The Night Market is bright, full of red and gold lantern-light, and packed with figures. It’s hard to distinguish anything about anyone here at first glance, all of them draped in formless, oversized clothing, hoodies and cloaks and coats, obscuring any identifying details. Then there are the masks– horrid wooden things, each one painted with its own unique design. Over there, a black-and-white mask grins, its owner leering wherever they turn; manning a stall, a yellow face weeps bloody tears, mouth open in an eternal scream. The Night Market, for most, is a confusing and disorienting experience.

For Cass, it is anything but.

She recognises people by their gaits, the ways they twist and turn; a man dressed in monochrome with a mask painted with cawing ravens is Mr Porter from the library, the young woman dressed in green-yellow-red, mask painted with thick goggles, is her brother’s drama teacher. She weaves in and out of the crowd, finding herself assured as she brushes off calls from vendors. There are no secrets from Cass, not in the Night; she’s one of the few people here who can see through the masquerade.

As she approaches the edge of the Market, the stalls give way to buildings, seedy bars and ramshackle dives. She spins around and finds the one she’s looking for– a single doorway on a stone wall not even three feet wide between two wooden buildings, covered by a ragged red curtain. She beelines towards it, Stephanie hot on her heels as she ducks inside.

The inside, as expected, is much larger than the doorway implies, stretching out into an average-sized bar. It’s relatively busy, tables filled with masked individuals sharing drinks or playing games or having hushed discussions. She ignores all of them and heads to the bar.

“Well, if it isn’t Spooky Girl!” the bartender says. His mask is red-and-white polkadots, like a pale face covered in raw poxes. “You’re back again?” Cass doesn’t reply, simply fixing him with her mask’s blank expression. “Lemme guess, you wanna see the boss.” She remains silent; he sighs. “I’ll let him know you’re here.”

Cass is waiting for five minutes, during which time the bartender– Cass has never met him in the day, doesn’t know his name, and knows better than to ask– gives her a coke to sip on. Finally, from the stairs at the back, the man she came to see emerges, glares at her from behind red wood, and gestures harshly with his head.

Cass gets to her feet and follows him upstairs.

The upstairs room is smaller than the bar below, a bare-bones bedroom with a bed in one corner, set of drawers, a desk, and a window-seat. Jason sits down on the window-seat and folds his arms, scowling at her from behind his mask.

“Did you have to bring her with you?” he asks, pointing at Steph.

Steph scowls back. “Well, nice to see you too,” she mutters.

“Creep,” Jason shoots back.

“Stop,” Cass says, and they do. “Spoiler is a friend,” she says to Jason.

Jason ignores her, changing the topic. “Why are you here? And it better not be because he sent you.” Cass doesn’t reply, and he groans. “Seriously, Orphan? You’re still doing his bidding?”

Cass doesn’t like his tone. “I do what I want,” she shoots back. Then, more softly, “He is worried.”

Jason snorts disbelievingly. Cass almost can’t blame him. Almost.

“Yeah? I want to hear that from him.”

“You know he can’t come here.”

That makes Jason pause. “Wait, seriously? That wasn’t some kind of trick?” Cass shakes her head, and he lets out a low whistle. “Wow. That’s stupid, even for him.”

Cass sighs. “Please,” she says. “He wants to talk.”

Jason stares at her for a long moment. “I’ll think about it,” he finally relents. Cass can see, with some surprise, that he actually will. Something about the bent of his shoulders. “Is that all?”

Cass considers for a moment. “Be careful,” she says. “Some people downstairs… they’re up to no good.”

A snort. “Yeah, I dunno if you noticed, but this place ain’t exactly the Ritz.”

She glares. “Serious.”

He sobers at that. “I’ll keep an eye out. Thanks, Orphan.”

She nods in farewell, and turns back down the stairs. She slips out of the bar without a stir, and Steph says, “That went surprisingly well.”

Cass nods thoughtfully. “I think he’ll come.”

“You do?” Steph seems surprised. “Damn. Then again, I guess B really messed up this time, huh?”

He really had, Cass thinks, as she heads back through the market to the alleyway she’d passed through on the way here. “Things are in the air,” she says, after a moment, gesturing with one hand. “It will be… interesting. Where dust settles.”

“Remind me to get the popcorn,” Steph jokes. They arrive at the dead-end wall Cass had noticed before, and sure enough, she feels the familiar prickle of an exit. This one isn’t on their maps; she’ll have to get Tim or Barbara to update them. She glances up at Stephanie, who grins at her, clicking her tongue and doing some kind of half-salute, half-finger guns gesture. Cass smiles back at her best friend, despite knowing that she won’t see it through the mask, and passes through the gateway.

Gotham at night is much quieter than Gotham at Night, and Cass knows she has to be careful; she doesn’t want to be caught breaking curfew, after all. Hiding in the alley, she carefully takes off her mask, wrapping it with cloth before fixing it on her belt. She can feel Stephanie’s presence at her heels, even if she can no longer see her, and so indicates her path before she takes it, looking up before she begins to scale the fire escape.

At this point in her life, Cass thinks could cross Gotham at night in her sleep. She makes it back to the Clocktower just as the sky is beginning to grey with pre-dawn light, and is halfway to her room when she hears a pointed cough and freezes in places. She feels a phantom tap on her wrist, and can practically hear Stephanie whispering, “Busted.”

She turns to see Barbara sat in the high-backed chair by the computer, one eyebrow raised. “What time do you call this, young lady?” she asks.

(Cass thinks that Barbara is not that much older than her, but she holds her tongue; she knows better than to try her older sister-slash-adoptive mother’s patience.)

“Early,” says Cass, who doesn’t actually know what time it is.

Babs does not look amused. “I told you I didn’t want you going out after curfew,” she says sharply. “Especially after all the disappearances lately.” Her eyes land on the mask on Cass’ hip, and her expression sours further. “Seriously, Cass? You know what I said–”

“I just went to the Market,” Cass says. “I saw Jason.”

Babs pauses. “Jason?”

Cass nods. “Bruce… wanted to see him.”

Barbara’s eye twitches. “And he sent you?”

“I offered.”

Barbara sighs. “You don’t owe him anything, Cass.”

She does, but she can’t expect Babs to understand. “I know,” she says instead. “I wanted to.”

Barbara shakes her head. “Go get some sleep,” she says.

Cass nods. She pads to her bedroom door, pausing outside and turning back to her mentor. “Am I in trouble?” she asks.

“I’ll think about it,” Babs says. Probably not, Cass concludes. “I meant it. Sleep.”

Cass nods. “I will. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

She shuts the door behind her and leans against it with a sigh. She feels Steph’s presence at her side, exasperated and comforting and sheepish all at once, and she smiles at the space where her friend stands. Then, she pulls herself together, taking the mask from her hip and stashing it away again at the bottom of her drawer.

It’s brighter, outside, now, the faintest glimmer of gold on the horizon. Cass pauses by the window to take it in, feeling exhaustion creeping up on her. Even if she doesn't agree with Barbara’s other arguments against her nighttime excursions, she can at least agree that it leaves her spent. Well, she’ll do what she’s told for now. She yawns, turning away and pulling the curtains closed before collapsing into bed.

She’s asleep before her head even hits the pillow.