#the draft was there since november. you can only guess how long it was taking me to scroll through all the drafts to come back to it😂

[batri-jopa]

And Then We Danced / და ჩვენ ვიცეკვეთ (2019), dir. Levan Akin

#ATWD amateur guidebook

Soundtrack & Lyrics - Part 5 [go to: Prologue, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4]

[Note: Most of this film music corresponds with what's happening on the screen. The less characters are speaking - the more traditional folk tunes take their turn in commenting the events. Old songs are fitting so good that the story becomes universal "tale as old as time". Lyrics translation usually comes from Google Translator and is absolutely awful but I don't speak Georgian so what else could I do]

21. ბინდისფერია სოფელი (Bindis Feria Sofeli)

The village is gradually getting darker What is our life will fly away like a bird Someday the grass will grow on our village

Even those who thought it was hard to walk were briefly looked after. The rust of the gun will eat the rust of the earth, the heart of the man will be sad. Death will come invisible, he will throw away his weapon in a second. What we will take to the world, no one else has taken what.

[The part above is what you can hear in the movie. Below is the part that is not in the movie but I suppose is well known to Georgian audience]

I will recite the poem to you and it will be good for me to die And you will remain here as a memory of me They used to tell me that they were just like me Let the country rejoice and I die in the grave Those who are right like me will listen to the voice of panduri Don't fall apart, don't get married

[Note: 1. Lyrics I found at genius.com 2. It's worth to realize that this is one of the moments in the movie with very distinctive contrast of mood between music and the movie scene: we can see a theoretically joyfull wedding scene and Merabi's face changing from numb to overhelmed with joy - yet the song in the background speaks about death and its inevitability. Is this contrast meant to only emphasize that the wedding is actually not so joyful since it's for "saving girl's honour"? Or that Merabi's feelings are closer to grief than joy? But even when his face changes, the song keeps on going - is that to suggest that love and hope is stronger than the vision of death? or rather that this love is hopeless? You decide (Anyway - Sunrise Sunset this ain't...)]

ბინდისფერია სოფელი თანდათან უფრო ბინდდება რა არის ჩვენი სიცოცხლე ჩიტივით გაგვიფრინდება ჩვენს ნასახლარზე ოდესღაც ბალახი აბიბინდება

იმასაც მოკლედ უვლია ვინც გძლად ეგონა იარა თოფს ჟანგი შესჭამს ჟანგს მიწა, კაცის გულს დარდი იარა, მოვა სიკვდილი უჩინო, ერთ წამში აგვყრის იარაღას ჩვენ რას წავიღებთ იმქვეყნად, სხვას არა წაუღია რა.

ლექსო ამოგთქომ ოხერო თორო იქნება ვკვდებოდე, და შენ კი ჩემად სახსოვრად სააქაოსა რჩებოდე, მოსთქომდნენ ჩემებ სწორები ფანდურის ხმაზედ ჰყვებოდნენ, ქვეყანა მხიარულობდეს და მე საფლავში ვკვდებოდე, მოსთქომენ ჩემებ სწორები, ფანდურის ხმასა ჰყვებოდნენ, სახლო არ დაინგრეოდე, ცოლო არ გასთხოვდებოდე.

22. Qalaquri 1 & 2

[Note: the title means "urban" but I have no idea what exact song (songs) were used in a movie. I can hear them but I can't understand a thing so I can't tell how much important this might be. IF YOU'RE GEORGIAN AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE SONG IS ABOUT - I WOULD LOVE YOU TO TELL ME!❤️ - The song is at 1h 28min of this Facebook reel)

23. განდაგანა (Gandagana)

(for the meaning - read Note below)

[Note: this time I don't think it's wise to pay attention to literal translation of Gandagana because this song seems to have much more metaphorical meaning in this particular movie scene than in any other before. That kind of direct "translation" you can find at lyricstranslate.com but these sentences doesn't seem to make much deeper sense for the average outside-Georgia viewer. Better check out these interpretations below (and note that the exact moment the "Tarnanani ninano" can be heard in the movie is right before Merab's "Congratulations"):

1. according to this page: "Gandagana" is a traditional Georgian folk song about love and longing. The lyrics tell the story of two lovers who can't be together due to their families, so they express their emotions through longing and sadness. The chorus repeats the words "Tarnanani ninano" which can be roughly translated to mean "Forever we will be apart." The song reflects the difficulty of love in a time where young lovers were not always able to choose their partners, and the pain and sorrow of having to separate.

2. Overall Meaning - according to this source: The song seems to explore themes of love, longing, and the complexities of relationships. The opening lines, "Gogov gogov kiskisa, Ak chamodi tsklis pirsa, Tskali masvi kokita, Gamadzgeni kocnita," can be loosely translated as "Go, go, dear little one, Like a flame, you ignite my soul, Like a thunderstorm, you strike me." These lines express the intense and passionate nature of the relationship being described. It suggests that the presence of the beloved person has a powerful impact on the singer, evoking feelings of excitement and desire. The following lines, "Tarnanani ninano, Tskals napoti Cmaohkonda," continue the exploration of love and longing. "Tarnanani" is a word that can be interpreted as a yearning or longing, while "napoti" means a missing or longing. So, the phrase could convey a sense of the singer's deep yearning for their loved one. "Cmaohkonda" might refer to a specific place or a metaphorical state representing the separation or distance between the two individuals. The later verses delve into the complexities of the relationship, describing emotional challenges and the struggle to find balance. Lines like "Kibis uku debelio, Me ikedan verçamoval" suggest that there might be a conflict or imbalance in the love affair. The lyrics also touch upon the physical and intimate aspects of the relationship, with phrases like "Baxçaşi rom pipinebdi, Pancridan diginaxeo" depicting a sense of affection and desire. Overall, "Gandagana" captures the intense emotions and complexities that can be experienced in a passionate relationship, expressing longing, desire, and the challenges that come with it.

The lyrics comes from lyricstranslate.com

გოგოვ გოგოვ ქისქისა აქ ჭამოდი წქლის ფირსა წქალი მასვი ქოქითა გამაძგენი ქოცნითა

თარნანანი ნინანო

წქალს ნაფოთი ცმაოჰქონდა ალვისი ხის ცამონა თვალი დადექ ნაფოთომიამბე საჲვარლის სემონათვალი

ნალიაზე მე ვერ ევალ ქიბის უქუ დებელიო მე იქედან ვერჭამოვალ შენზე ჩუუხუთებელიო

თაროზე მაქვს ხუთი ვაშლი სამი შენ შიგინახეო ბახჭაში რომ ფიფინებდი ფანცრიდან დიგინახეო

24. ცანგალა და გოგონა (Tsangala Da Gogona)

Tsangala and girl Tsangala.. girl (2)

Tsangala went to the city, And stole grape from there, He didn't share grape with anybody, And digged grave for himself (ashamed himself)

Tsangala and girl Tsangala.. girl (2)

This guy dances well, He stands on halluces, If he hurts his legs, whose fault will it be?

Tsangala and girl Tsangala.. girl (2)

[Note: 1. This song is even more contrasting to the movie scene than the song during wedding scene - Tsangala song is considered really joyfull and most people are dancing and having fun while our character falls into pieces. Could there be any better way to emphasize how lonely and separated Merab feels in his grief? 2. Lyrics was found at lyricstranslate.com ]

..ცანგალა და გოგონა-ა ცანგალა გოგონა-ა (2)

გოგნი გოგნი გოგნი გოგნი გოგნი გოგნი გოგონაა გოგნი გოგნი გოგნი გოგო გოგნი გოგნი გოგონა

ცანგალა ქალაქს წავიდა ყურძენი მოიპარა ყურძენი თვითონ შეჭამა საფლავი გაითხარა

..ცანგალა და გოგონა-ა ცანგალა გოგონა-ა (2)

გოგნი გოგნი გოგნი გოგნი გოგნი გოგონაა გოგნი გოგნი გოგნი გოგო გოგნი გოგნი გოგონა

ეს ბიჭი კარგად თამაშობს ფეხის წვერებზე დგებაა ამან რომ რამე იტკინოს გოგონას დაბრალდება

..ცანგალა და გოგონა-ა ცანგალა გოგონა-ა (2)

გოგნი გოგნი გოგნი გოგნი გოგნი გოგონაა გოგნი გოგნი გოგნი გოგო გოგნი გოგნი გოგონა

25. წინწყარო (Tsintskaro)

I walked by Tsintskaro, Tsintskaro... I met a beautiful woman there, with koka (a jug / picher) on her shoulder. I spoke a word to her and she got offended, got enraged, stepped aside / ran away! (By other translation: kept standing aloof )

[Note: this song was already heard sooner in the movie (morning after Merab's and Irakli's first night) and described in the Part 2. (Special thanks to @notasapleasure for helping me identify that it's the same song)

This time Davit initiates the song right after returing home from his wedding and Merab quietly starts to sing along. It seems to comfort him somehow. Is only the beloved traditional polyphonic song that is comforting or the memory it brings?

I think that, together with the fact that Merab decided not to throw down the Spirited Away poster (the one that got commented by Irakli) as he did with the rest of the posters on his wall - indicates that he still wants to think about Irakli. I think it might suggest that he wants to keep warm memory about him even after giving back the ear-ring (and I'm mentioning it because I've seen some reviews interpreting the ear-ring scene as "it's over", letting go, Merab deciding that he discovered and accepted his own self and doesn't need Irakli anymore. I think that yes, maybe his approach was to be seen as taugh and proud in the eyes of his leaving lover, but it does not necessarily reflect what he really felt nor how hard giving that ring back was for him). Now all that is left is Spirited Away poster. And Tsintskaro.]

X. Final dance

[No words, only mood]

26. რა ლამაზია თუშეთი (Ra Lamazia Tusheti)

"How beautiful is Tusheti/Georgia"

How beautiful Tusheti and Lasharoba Tushur are, with twisted horns and a forehead with a candle.

There is a curvy son and a woman crouching on the slope, the water of the wild Alazni singing in the Ewes.

Drinking cold beer with the horn of a stall, barbecuing naked on the fire, fingers dancing on the harmonica of a Tush woman.

I close my eyes, I can still see the necks of the horses and the wolf-clad shepherd boys in the horse's harness.

The blue-dressed pines stand like a bride, I love Dartlo and Chigo mountain, I burn them with love.

How good was Tusheti and Lasharoba Tushur, Chedila with twisted horns, forehead with a candle.

Grilled barbecues cooked on ghadar

[Note: 1. The translation is awful because I could only use google-translator. But the general meaning undoubtly is "How beautiful is Georgia". And I think that's another of the series of music contrasting the movie action. The end of the movie rather leaves us with a feeling of "how untollerant" Georgia is, so the song seems a bit ironical. But let's not forget that Merab actually loves his country and its culture, dances and food... so maybe it's not ironical at all? Georgia is beautiful and young people wish they could love their country freely and not have to plan leaving it for their safety 2. Lyrics source is lyricstranlate.com ]

"რა ლამაზია თუშეთი"

რა ლამაზია თუშეთი და ლაშარობა თუშური, რქებჩაგრეხილი ჭედილა სანთლით შუბლგადატრუსული. ფერდობზე ჩამწკრივებული კოხტა ვაჟი და ქალია, ევებში ამღერებული შმაგი ალაზნის წყალია. ჯიხვის რქით ცივი ლუდის სმა, ცეცხლზე შიშხინი მწვადისა, გარმონზე აცეკვებული თითები თუშის ქალისა.

თვალებს დავხუჭავ, კვლავ მოსჩანს სადოღე ცხენთა კისრები და ქორბეღელას ფერხულში მგლისმუხლა მწყემსი ბიჭები. პატარძალივით დამდგარან ლურჯკაბიანი ფიჭვები, მიყვარს დართლო და ჩიღოს მთა, მათ სიყვარულით ვიწვები. რა კარგი იყო თუშეთი და ლაშარობა თუშური, რქებჩაგრეხილი ჭედილა, სანთლით შუბლგადატუსული. ცვარმოდებული მწვადები ღადარზე გამოშუშული

27. Kinto's Song

I don't know what to do anymore I don't know what to do anymore I have only one heart How can I divide the two? Muhammad and Abdul too I swear to love Both of them fall in love How will it be? One promised me a scarf for love The other one kills himself for my sake I like you both What can I do, what do you want? Love to both Tell me how to separate you Muhammad and Abdul Don't bother me like that my heart and love I am only changing one One promised me a scarf for love The other one kills himself for my sake

[Note: 1. Kintauri and Kinto's culture is so important in the movie I already made SEPARATE POST ABOUT IT and the whole separate tag: #ATWD kintouri trail . To summarise it: kinto were street fruit sellers in Tbilisi in early 20th century, with characteristic clothes and dance (kintouri) and many of them were gay men (though this fact is many times ommited in georgian sources). The "Kinto's song" was found on old x-ray record and it also tells about gay love. This all brings important context to the fact that Merab and Irakli became dance partners of kintouri duo and were dancing parts of this particular dance throughout the whole movie. 2. Once again the translation comes from google-translator and the lyrics from marketer.ge )

აღარ ვიცი რა ვქნა მე აღარ ვიცი რა ვუყო გული მხოლოდ ერთი მაქვს ორს კი როგორ გავუყო მუჰამედ და აბდულიც სიყვარულს მეფიცება ორივეს შეყვარება აბა როგორ იქნება ერთმა შარფი დამპირდა სიყვარულისთვის მეორე კი თავს იკლავს

ჩემი გულისთვის მე ორივე მომწონხართ აბა რა ვქნა, რა გიყოთ სიყვარული ორივეს მითხარ, როგორ გაგიყოთ მუჰამედ და აბდული ასე ნუღა მაწვალებთ ჩემს გულს და სიყვარულს მხოლოდ ერთს ვანაცვალებ ერთმა შარფი დამპირდა სიყვარულისთვის მეორე კი თავს იკლავს ჩემი გულისთვის

28. ბაღში გაგიცან (Baghshi Gagitsan)

I met you in the garden for the first time, I looked at the moon Your throat was like white wine in a glass I looked at it and couldn't stand those twinkling eyes The twinkling light of your eyes turned into a light

Are you born of your mother or are you a fairy flying from the sky? What pen wrote the eyebrows of your eyes If you ordered me, you know what I would do for you I would move the place where you were born to my house

I would like to know, beautiful, where you are staying In which region does such a good fruit grow? If you ordered me, you know what I would do for you I would move the place where you were born to my house

[Note: 1. As crucial as this song is for the whole And Then We Danced movie I was able not find any good translation of this lyrics that would sound satisfying enough. But I have no doubts that the first verse of this song is directly reffering to Merab and Irakli meeting behind the kvevri in the vineyard!❤️ If not for the fact that the crucial scene is left without music - one might imagine this song to be a perfect background music. Could it be another example of following contrasts in the movie? Love scene between boy and girl might openly refer to a traditional song - but for our boys the song is only secretly suggested in end credits... 2. Source of the lyrics was tsutisopeli.com and archives from alazani.ge ]

ბაღში გაგიცან პირველად

ბაღში გაგიცან პირველად თვალი შეგავლე მთვარესა ყელი გიგავდა ალალ ღვინოს ჭიქაში მდგომიარესა ვერ მოვითმინე, ვერ შევხედე მაგ მოციმციმე თვალებსა შენი თვალების ციმციმი შუქად ეფინა არესა

დედაის ნაშობი ხარ თუ ცით მოფრენილი ფერია შენი თვალების წარბები რა კალამს დაუწერია რომ მიბრძანებდე მე შენთვის იცი რას გადავიტანდი იმ ადგილს რამანც შენ გშობა ჩემს სახლში გადავიტანდი

ნეტავ ვიცოდე ლამაზო სად არის შენი სამყოფი რომელ მხარეში იზრდება ასეთი კარგი ნაყოფი რომ მიბრძანებდე მე შენთვის იცი რას გადავიტანდი იმ ადგილს რამანც შენ გშობა ჩემს შახლში გადავიტანდი

-------------- go to Prologue ---------------

--------------- go to Part 1 ------------------

--------------- go to Part 2 ------------------

--------------- go to Part 3 ------------------

--------------- go to Part 4 ------------------

[pacifymebby]

Maybe an imagine for the Peaky Blinders where at some point they got intimate with their girlfriend in the boys’ office and while they were distracted she put her underwear in his gun cabinet. Would love to know how they react when they’re just sitting at their desk and they go to reach for it one day and just find a really sexy pair of undies in there as well😂

I have been writing this for so so so so so so so so so long I think it was one of the first requests I got back in November and I'm so sorry it's taken me this long. It's been sitting in my drafts for months. But here it is, this was actually so much fun to write and I really enjoyed it. I just needed to be in a specific mood to write it i think? I really hope you're still here on my blog anon and that u finally get to enjoy the request :'(

Tommy

🌿 Tommy is only mildly surprised to find your underwear in the draw of his desk. You're always getting up to no good, trying to push his buttons... You're a little minx really, always trying to get his attention... So this is exactly the kind of thing you might do...

🌿He knows exactly why you did it too... Since getting into politics he's had to spend more and more time away from home, always on trips to London, never at home, with you... He knows he's been neglecting you

🌿So, he sends for you, calls you into his office quite calmly. "Sit down y/n..." he says nodding to the chair opposite him.

🌿You're a little uncertain, he looks so stern and serious that you're getting more and more nervous the longer he makes you sit in silence. You're definitely in trouble, that much you can tell...

🌿But you don't know for certain that he's found your underwear until he takes them out of the drawer and drops them in front of you on the desk.

🌿"Y/N, what are these?" the way hes looking at you through his spectacles, so calm and yet stern... You squirm and stutter your response suddenly nowhere near as confident as you had felt when you left them there...

🌿"Um... Well, uh... My um... My underwear i guess?" "You guess?" "No uh... I know Tommy..."

🌿"Right, alright..." he nods and for a moment when he flashes you half a smile and lets out a little breathy laugh you think thats all the torment he's going to put you through... But of course not. This is Tommy we're talking about.

🌿"Alright y/n, and what is your underwear doing in my desk among my tax documents and memos?" "I uh..." "Come on love speak up we haven't got all day..." "Because I put them there Tommy..." You're already blushing deep red, you're embarassed and he's really enjoying making you squirm.

🌿If he's telling the truth he loves that you did it, gives him an excuse to torture you now, force you to admit how much you want him... Something which he obviously loves to hear. Watching you squirm really tuns him on...

🌿"Oh okay, alright, alright... And y/n,why did you do that?"

🌿 You're speechless now, so embarrassed, you can't believe he's really forcing you to admit it but you know he won't let you go or give you what you really want until you do as he's asking and spell it out for him.

🌿You're just not really the kind of girl that does things like this and though it might have been thrilling to do something bad and out of character, you're remembering who you really are - a good, sweet girl - and suddenly you're regretting your little trick.

🌿 "I.. I guess well, you've been so busy lately Tommy I just... I didn't want you to forget about me you know..." you trail off offering him a shy but seductive little smirk. You really want to keep playing coquette but he's really put you in your place and you're not sure now whether he's going to give you what you want or just keep torturing you.

🌿"Right..." he nods before telling you to get up, "Alright y/n now answer me this eh? Come here and answer me this..." he says quiet and intense, running his hands down your arms, taking your hands in his and pulling you down to meet his gaze. He has you bent right over his desk in the most submissive position... You can hardly breath.

🌿"Do you really think you're so easy to forget?" you can hardly speak, just shaking your head slightly, your breath caught in your throat as he tugs you down to kiss you.

🌿 He stands up, letting you go, leaving you feeling let down and if you're being honest, a little confused. You thought he wanted you? For a moment it really looked like you'd played into his lustful side...

🌿 He warns you not to play childish games with him, that in future if you want something you behave like an adult and you come and ask him for it. "Sometimes angel, when you want somet from me, you say please eh? Remember that word sweetheart..."

🌿Fucks you on his desk anyway... "Thoight you might like playing the bad girl eh angel? You want me to show you how I treat those girls?" his low murmur sends a shiver down your spine and when he sinks his teeth teasingly into your neck you can't breath.

🌿Tommy was always going to fuck you on his desk. From the second he'd felt the soft lace in his hands he'd known what he wanted to do to you.

🌿He just wanted to make you squirm first.

Alfie

🐻 He's surprised by you, other young ladies he might expect this from but not you, not his sweet little zieskiet who has the heart mind and soul of an angel. Who is usually always so well behaved...

🐻 It doesn't help that when he discovers your little memento he's in the middle of an intense meeting with Tommy Shelby.

🐻 Tommy thinks he has the upper hand, thinks he's charmed his way into Alfie's trust once again but Alfie's hand has slipped to the drawer in his desk where his fingers skim the surface of the gun he keeps concealed there...

🐻 But where he expects to find cool metal he finds soft silk and lace instead and his heart begins to race as memories of the afternoon before when he'd called you into his office flicker through his mind like a naughty film...

🐻 For the first time ever Tommy witnesses Alfie Solomons speechless. Sure the moment doesn't last long, but for a second there Tommy catches a strange look in Alfie's eyes, like he's genuinely stunned... He's probably lulled into a false sense of security, thinking he's the reason Alfie's quietly struggling to swallow a lump in his throat.

🐻 But Alfie just sweeps the underwear to one side for later, tskes the gun out and rushes Tommy through the deal, hurrying him out the door, grumpy and impatient so that he can go home to you.

🐻 When Alfie comes home that night he's playing the "everythings as it always is" act, grumbling to you about the lads in the bakery, grumbling to you about something clumsy Ollie did earlier thst day... You're listening but only a little as you shape the bread you're baking. You're don't look at him until he says something that surprises you...

🐻 "Oh, oh yeah right, right i almost forgot, yeah, silly me eh, almost forgot these..." he says producing your lacy underwear and dangling them from the tip of his finger.

🐻 When you turn around to see what he's holding you're shocked. You drop the knife thats in your hand and it clatters on the floor. You shouldn't bd surprised, you only left them there the day before, but somehow your strange out of character whim had completely left your mind.

🐻 "Oh..." you say your hand raised to your mouth... Alfie's still just holding them out, the scandalous garment just dangling between you, you blushing at the memory of your time together. Him waiting, stern expression, for you to take them from him.

🐻 "Oh..." he says watching you, wondering if you know you're in trouble or not... You've turned the most adorable shade of red and he's already struggling to hold his grumbling resolve. "Yeah," he says, "oh..." "Thats what I thought an all when I found em earlier right, I though 'oh" he holds his hand to his mouth mocking your earlier gesture... Making thst blush of yours all the worse because you can't tell if you're being teased or if he's really quite cross with you..

🐻 "An you know what yeah poppet? I showed em to Tommy fuckin Shelby yeah and you know he said 'oh' too, just like that yeah 'oh'..." now you know he's trying to make you squirm, trying to tease you. Because you know theres no way your Alfie would ever show another man something as private as your underwear.

🐻 You smile nervously, your blush and your shy giggle as you bite down to try and stifle it too much for Alfie to maintain any temper he might have been trying to build up.

🐻 Instead he steps up to you, traps you between the cupboards and his body, holding your underwear right up to your face, the lacy garment dangling right by your cheek, silk brushing your skin.

🐻 "These my little zieskiet, these yeah are a very dangerous object, and you right, you're a very good girl yeah, so you my dear, you should not be leaving these, dangerous things yeah, you should not be leaving dangerous things like this lying around right, cause you never know who's gonna find em..."

🐻 "Well that's why i left them in your drawer..." you say quietly, your biting on the tip of your thumb, looking at him so sweetly that its hard to imagine you could have done something as tempting as this.

🐻 "Yeah," he says, "yeah you did didn't you... Tell me poppet, cause theres somethin I'd quite like to know right, somethin thst interests me a great ammount... Why yeah, why would a sweet little girl like you do somethin like that?"

🐻 You would be so shy and blushy, you absolutely wouldn't know what to tell him, your voice abandoning you as you look back at him with doe eyes, biting on the tip of your thumb. When you try to look away he takes your chin in his hand and steers your view back to him.

🐻"Remember my dear little zieskiet, we don't keep secrets me an you? Nah, we don't have no secrets..."

🐻 He knows what you want and he's definitely just teasing you because his favourite thing in the whole world is to watch how you melt like butter for him. How you'll tell him anything he asks, do anything he asks, all he has to do is stroke your cheek and look you in the eyes.

🐻 Honestly he thought he was cross with you for distracting him at a crucial moment but now he's face to face with you, now he's got one hand on your waist the other holding your neck delicately, all he wants to do is reward you for your bad behaviour...

🐻 "Think you'd better pop yourself down over papa's lap..." you think he's going to spank you but when your eyes go wide he just chuckles, tells you not to look so worried...

🐻 Fingers you within an inch of your life whilst you're laid across his lap and then makes you promise him that next time you want his attention you'll just ask.

🐻 "Oh an poppet, promise me yeah, promise me you'll give me a little warning next time you try to play a trick like that... Don't like surprises me..." He's practically telling you to do it again.

🐻 when hes finished with you he'll give you your underwear back and then watch you put it back on in front of him. You want to hate his triumphant little smirk but you're still shaking from your high and when you've done as he asked he welcomes you back into his arms for a cuddle and tells you (almost) all about how your little trick nearly interrupted a crucial business meeting.

Arthur

🍂 He had been about to kill a man. That he was sure of. Seething with rage, red in the face with a hatred burning in him, that infamous formidable temper hazing his mind, taking over so that in 30 seconds time he wouldn't be Arthur Shelby anymore. He'd be the animal he fought with every day.

🍂 He'd stormed through the house on Watery Lane to the cabinet he kept his guns but when he'd thrown the doors open, practically frothing at the mouth, eyes narrowed and searching only for a weapon with which to destroy the man in question... When he threw open those doors he found a pair of your silky panties artfully wrapped around the barrel of his firearm.

🍂 Suddenly the man in question was the last thing on his mind. His temper wasn't quelled, all that anger and adrenaline was still buzzing around inside his body... He needed an outlet, something or someone to take it out on, lay into... But he couldn't think of anyone else in that moment. Not now he'd seen your underwear. Not now he'd been graced by a flash of memory, your naked body spread beneath him, your eyes rolled back in ecstacy as he'd fucked you the night before...

🍂 So his attention was diverted and a man's life has inadvertantly been saved because now rather than vengeance Arthur is only hungry for you...

🍂 He spends a little time hunting you down, searching around the house and then around the town looking in all your usual haunts. However he finds you exactly where he wants you. Sitting in his chair at his desk in the office down the factory.

🍂 "You," he says when he sees you, his eyes narrowed on you as he takes in the sight of you. How pretty you are, how innocent you're trying to look. It drives him wild and he can barely control his breathing as he locks the door shut behind him and pulls down the blind, "fuckin stand up when I'm talkin to you sweetheart..." He growls snatching at your wrist, pulling you to your feet.

🍂 he's rough with you but honestly that's what you wanted... Arthur's always trying to be on his best behaviour around you and the idea of sparking his temper, of having him be a little rougher with you.. it excites you more than you want to admit.

🍂 he pushed you back against his desk until you're perched just on the edge and when he steps between your legs, your feet hovering just above his shoes, he takes his revolver out and points it at you. You're nervous, your breath catching in your throat as you look up at him with wide, not quite timid eyes. You're starting to wonder if you've bitten off more than you can chew.

🍂 he uses his gun to push your dress slowly up your thigh, you can't take your eyes off it, the cool metal on your skin shivering you, causing goosebumps to ripple over your arms.

🍂 "You are in so much trouble..." He growls, "you don't wanna know how much fuckin trouble you're in y/n... No you don't..."

🍂 "Fuckin look at me eh love, when I'm talkin to you you fuckin look at me..." You're so nervous and the way his voice comes out gravelly and thick with adrenaline, the way you can hear his rage in every word makes you scared you might have gone too far, that you really are in as much trouble as he says you are...

🍂 he uses the barrel of his gun to push your chin up holding it there digging into you to force you to look him in the eyes when he's talking to you. You're trembling with nerves and sexual desire and he can see both your fear and your lust right there on your face. "Not so innocent now are you darlin..." He growls as he rubs his rough hands up over your thighs pushing your dress right up to reveal you...underwearless, legs spread, the sheen of your arousal catching his eye.

🍂 he can't get his belt undone quick enough but when he's dropped his trousers around his ankles he grabs you almost violently pulling you towards the edge of the desk, entering you suddenly, the shock displaced with pleasure almost immediately as he growls into your ear and starts thrusting in and out of you quickly.

🍂 his movements are sharp and desperate and he's fucking you in a way he's never fucked you before. It's divine, exactly what you'd hoped for.

🍂 "y'see sunshine a man was gonna die tonight right, I was on my way to fuckin kill him when I found your little fuckin surprise..." He growls as he's fucking you, you're so dizzy with pleasure that all you can do is moan in response clutching at his hair for your dear life. Your legs squeezing his waist so tightly as you shake and he manoeuvres you on his cock.

🍂 "Fuck," he groans, "I was gonna fuckin kill him and these fuckin things were the only thing that stopped him yeah so I reckon that must make you some kind of fuckin angel... Doin god's work eh? What kind of angel goes round saving lives with her cunt eh?"

John

🌼 Would be absolutely delighted. All his Christmases have come at once and he can't keep the grin off his face... can't and doesn't want to be subtle even if there's someone else in the office with him.

🌼 In fact if there is someone else in the office with them he'll definitely flaunt the fact that his girlfriend's 'forgotten' her underwear. He's so childish'y smug about it and he can't wait to get home to you.

🌼 He'd have them hung from his finger, slung over his shoulder as he leaves the office early, waving them in explanation when Isaiah shouts after him asking where he's going. Then as the office door swings shut behind him he'd tuck them into his pocket for safekeeping, whistling as he walks home.

🌼 You have put him in such a good mood, theres a real spring in his step and his mind is buzzing with all the thoughts of what he'll do when he gets home to you.

🌼 he'll come in having decided he's going to tease you, play a little trick on you. He'll call through the house for you with a real urgent tone to his voice as if something is seriously the matter...

🌼 and when he finds you sitting in the nursery with one of your friends and the children he'll put on this grave expression, apologise to your friend and send them away.

🌼 "I'm really sorry sweetheart but this can't wait and I need y/n," "God what's the matter John, the family? Is everything okay?" You'd be so worried asking him all sorts of questions but he wouldn't give you an answer until your friend has hurried out the door and you've put the little one in their crib.

🌼 then he'd turn to you, still with those serious, worrisome eyes, he'd place both hands on your cheeks and hold you carefully, looking as if he were about to break the worst news... "I'm sorry for ruining your day flower, if it could have waited you know I would have waited..."

🌼 you're almost panicking now getting more and more anxious by the second, "John what is it just tell me what's happened!" You beg and just like that he relaxes, grin spread across his face as he shrugs.

🌼 "Oh nothing major, don't fret flower... You just forgot these is all..." He says with a cheeky grin as he takes the underwear from his pocket and dangles them in front of your face by the tip of his fingers. He looks so unbelievably proud of himself you could honestly slap him.

🌼 if he wasn't so attractive you would definitely slap him... Instead you just stare back at him in disbelief, you try to get annoyed with him, "For fuck sake John you scared me!" You exclaim but you can't finish the sentence without letting out a little giggle.

🌼 "So..." He says lowering his voice, getting closer to you, his hand on your hip pulling your body in close to his, "if you left your underwear in my office this morning..." He starts, his breath warm on your cheek as he leans in to whisper in your ear, "what're you wearin under this dress?" "Why don't you take it off me and find out..."

🌼 So then he realises you definitely didn't just forget your underwear. The naive 'ad had kind of thought it a mistake, hadn't really thought you capable of playing such a wicked little trick but now he's realised your games, how you're more trickst than he'd first imagined he's actually very proud of the fact.

🌼 he'd pick you up, your legs wrapping around his waist and carry you to the bedroom, throwing you down on the bed where he'd crawl above you, looking down at you full of pride and mischief.

🌼 "So you were playin tricks with me were you flower?" He'd ask, his tone making you squirm and giggle, making you feel teenage and playful and like you might be in the best kind of trouble. You'd try to wriggle away from him, he's got that look in his eyes like he's about to either tickle you to death or fuck you hard and you can't tell which...

🌼 "hang on a minute flower where dya think you're going?" He chuckles stopping you going anywhere with just his hand on your shoulder pushing you into the mattress.

🌼 uses your underwear to tie your hands behind your back so you can't escape him. Then fucks you until you're exhausted, your hips aching from having your legs spread for so long... But you've come so many times you have that warm, all over tingle and when you finally collapse into eachothers arms you can't wipe the smiles off your faces.

🌼 it's going to start some kind of game between you, the two of you trying to outdo one another with mischievous little acts. But John always loves it whenever you leave something intimate of yours in his office and now you know you'll be rewarded for it you do it more often.

Bonnie

🍀 You'd been in his dressing room with him before his big fight, wishing him good luck. You always worry about him before he goes into the ring but you're also really proud of him, and there's something about being alone with him in the changing rooms before he goes out that really turns you on.

🍀 You run your hands over his chest, taking in the sight of him unscathed for the last time, and try to contain your desire. You find him so attractive when he's in the ring and you always let him know. It boost his ego and makes him walk out there twice as cocky.

🍀When you kiss him goodbye you give him a real, deep snog, one hand in his hair, the other hanging your lace black underwear from the gym peg behind your boys head. You want him to have a surprise for when he returns later triumphant.

🍀 He doesnt notice them when he's leaving for the ring, too in the zone, focussing and firing himself up - and your kiss certainly helped fire him up.

🍀All through the fight you're cheering him on just as you always would and Bonnie feels absolutely champion even when he's on the recieving end of a few nasty blows. He knows his little dove is in the crowd watching him and that makes him fight twice as hard because he loves showing off to you.

🍀 When Bonnie wins the fight you're delighted, you jump out of your seat and scream triumphantly for him. Blowing him a kiss when he looks over to you, his bloody grin far more attractive than it should be.

🍀 When he returns to the changing room victorious he's greeted by the Peaky Blinders and his dad, all of them congratulating him. Tommy is very impressed with his work and wants to discuss the next match with him but when something catches Bonnie's eye he follows the younger lads gaze and smirks, rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

🍀Because Bonnie is blushing a deep shade of red. The poor boy is so surprised he's speechless and Tommy can tell Bonnie hasn't heard a word of what's been said since he clocked your underwear hanging from that peg by the benches.

🍀"Alright lads c'mon lets leave our champion to cool off eh, looks to me like he's expecting company..." Tommy is still smirking and his overly casual tone as he draws everyone's attention to the underwear in question makes poor Bonnie even more embarrassed and awkward.

🍀There's a lump in his throat he's struggling to swallow down and all he can think about is you. He manages to stammer out a goodbye, promises to meet them in an hour down the garrison but Arthur laughs and shakes his head, "Nah you won't," he grins, "nah you fucking won't!"

🍀And Arthur's right, the only thing Bonnie will be doing in an hour's time is well, you.

🍀He is so turned on by your little trick that when he sees you he can barely contain his desire for you. He's usually pretty bad after a fight, all that adrenaline coursing through his veins but today he's even more fired up than usual and when you slip into his changing rooms and find him alone, he's got his hands on you in seconds.

🍀he does not want to wait for you to clean him up like you usually do and when you take a warm cloth and begin dabbing at his bloody lip and the cut on his brow he wraps his arms around you and pulls you down into his lap, grinning and teasing you, kissing your cheek and nuzzling into you, making it very difficult for you to do your job.

🍀You giggle trying to brush him off, though secretly really enjoying seeing how desperate for you he is.

🍀"Bonnie sit still, you're making this really difficult," you smile trying to dab at his brow, missing because he's ducked his head to kiss your neck and has already begun to undo the laces that hold your dress together at the back. His nimble fingers are making quick work of loosening them and you know you need to clean him up quickly because the second he's slipped your sleeves from your shoulders you're doomed.

🍀And in the end Bonnie wins and you're forced to accept that you'll just have to wait to clean him up later. He's got other plans for you just now.

🍀Will hold you down in his lap, a really energetic needy fuck before lifting you up and fucking your roughly against the wall. Even though he's going hard he still manages to be careful with you, making sure to hold your head in his hand to stop you bashing it against the wall etc...

🍀He doesn't tire quickly and honestly, your little surprise has given him more of a rush than winning that fight.

🍀Neither of you make it to the Garrison for those drinks and poor bonnie winds up on the recieving end of a lot of ribbing from the other lads. Whenever they bring it up he blushes and gets embarrassed but no matter how many times they ask he never shares the details of what happened after they left.

Isaiah

🐀 Is quietly impressed by your devious little game. He sees them in the drawer strewn artfully over his revolver and he smirks, closing the drawer shut again as if he hasn't even seen them.

🐀 He's biding his time see, playing the long game, dragging the desire out for as long as he can. He wants to wait long enough that you will have forgotten all about it. Or at least until you've come to the disappointing conclusion that he found your little surprise and didn't care about it, wasn't even remotely bothered by it...

🐀 And when weeks go by without him so much as mentioning them, without him even hinting at having found the little gift you left for him that's the conclusion that you come to. That he wasn't bothered, that he thought it was embarrassing and childish, that he doesn't even want to mention it because he thought it was classless and foolish and he'd rather forget all about it.

🐀 Meanwhile Isaiah is enjoying having your underwear in his drawer at work, whenever he has to reach in his drawer for his revolver he feels the black lacy pants there too and smirks. He can't wait to remind you about your naughty little trick... When he's bored at work he opens the drawer to look at them and imagine what he's going to do with you when he finally makes his move.

🐀 And then just as you've vowed you'll never make a stupid mistake like that again, just when you've decided never to behave so foolishly again... He'll have a surprise for you all of his own...

🐀 One night when it's just the two of you, in his room, fucking he catches you out.

🐀 He's on top, his cock deep inside you and your eyes are closed, your lips parted as he fucks you hard, you're right on the edge, your body shivering beneath him, your hands clutching at the sheets as you roll over into an orgasm.

🐀 And then when you moan he shoves your underwear into your open mouth and shocks you with them.

🐀 Your eyes open wide in shock uncertain what he's just put in your mouth and when he leans down, his nose brushing yours, his eyes lit up with mischief, clearly very pleased with himself, and grins down at you, "you lose these?" You feel your cheeks flush crimson. But you can't hide or look away because he's got you pinned down and he's still fucking you, his hands either side of your head, arms rippling.

🐀 All you can do is look up at him, and because you can't shy away, because you're forced to face up to the moment you're forced to acknowledge how much it turns you on... So your only response when he talks to you is your needy moans.

🐀 "Whats the matter mousy, did you think I'd just thrown them out?"

🐀 he will tease you about it relentlessly, loves trying to embarrass you, likes watching you go bright red. But in reality he loves this naughty side of you and he wants to encourage it, so when you threaten him one day, "if you keep teasing me I shan't do it again," he backtracks very fast.

Michael

☘️ In New York, you're his other woman and you're jealous. Hes been spending far too much time with Gina lately, sure you know they're the real deal, you're just his honey on the side but still... You should still get a taste of your man every once in awhile.

☘️ So you slip them between a stack of invoices and stock reports and send them up to his office. You may or may not be aware that his Gina is up there with him. That he's all snowed up, and she's going to be the one who takes the invoices and starts to filter through them...

☘️She's probably the one who phones up for you... Michael doesn't even realise whats going on until Gina has welcomed you into the office, studying you, asessing how much of a threat to her relationship you really are...

☘️ But when Michael sees you he panics, swallows a lump in his throat and scrambles to sit up and start paying attention..

☘️ "Whats this about love?" he says to Gina, "whats y/n doing here?" "Oh so you do know her name... Congratulations honey I guess you're more than just one of his whores huh?"

☘️ you feel a little bit like you've walked into a trap, like you've made a bed you're not actually capable of lying in, you're hardly even paying Michael any attention now, it's Gina who's your main concern. She invited you up here... What does she want with you? She certainly isn't looking at you like she's looking for a fight...

☘️ She's watching you expectantly, waiting for either you or Michael to speak up. Then she takes your underwear and tosses them to Michael who is so surprised by them that he drops them.

☘️ "What do you think honey, you think he remembers who they belong to? Tell us Michael baby, are they mine or are they hers..."

☘️ Michael would he totally speechless, he's looking between the two of you, thinking that this is some conspiracy against him but you're just as stunned as he is and you kind of feel like turning and running out of the door.

☘️ but when you make your excuses to leave and try to back out of the door, thinking it best to leave them to their inevitable fight Michael calls after you... "Y/N wait..." which makes Gina laugh.

☘️ "Yeah honey don't go," she says licking her lips wickedly, "the funs only just getting started..." She says teasingly, her eyes glowing with lust... But who for you can't tell anymore?

☘️ When she catches your hand in hers and tugs you back into the office your breath catches in your throat. But what she whispers in your ear leaves you speechless, your heart racing.

☘️ "C'mon y/n kiss me, let's see what he does next hmm?"

☘️ It would be an evening you will never forget.. Gina was only really dragging you into it so that she could get your measure, wanting to work out exactly how much of a threat you were... Wanting to use you to torment Michael. If he's fucking you then she wants to he too, he can't possibly be allowed to have something she hasn't got.

☘️And although Michael is quietly livid with you in the moment he can't control his own lust, his anger taken out on you when he lies you down on his desk and fucks you hard, your head between Gina's legs whilst she rides your mouth and smokes a cigarette casual as you like.

☘️ after that whenever you or Gina feel like a bit of fun you send your underwear up and down to one another slipped between memos. The three of you spend a lot of time in that office snowed up and fucking.

☘️ and although Michaels more than happy with the new arrangement he still makes sure to get you alone so that he can punish you for being so reckless.

☘️ he will bend you over his lap and spank you making you apologise with tears in your eyes as you promise never to be so careless again.

☘️ You will however be that careless again and he'll be more than happy with the consequences.

[httpknjoon]

hi a-listers! can we get a more detailed recount of your first meeting? what were your first impressions? did you hit it off immediately? when did you know that the other person is/will be someone important to you?

love you guys!!

note| thank you for sending this ask, anon! i actually have their first meeting in my drafts so maybe I'll just hint it in here. also, this one is a bit longer than the usual q&a haha

main masterlist | drabble series

"Oh, god... My memory sucks..." you exhaled heavily as your eyes slid to your side, where Jin is waiting for you to answer. "Was it during the chemistry test for Cornelia Street back in like November 2016?"

You were guessing, you two both knew it. Your leading man knows that you have issues remembering everything that happened in late 2015 to almost the whole year of 2016.

Jin softly smiled, shaking his head, "No, bub. We met earlier than that."

"We did?!" you asked, your eyes widened. "Oh my god! I'm so sorry. Everything that happened from that year was honestly blurry in my head. I'm sorry."

Your intrigued eyes fell to your feet while you chew on your bottom lip, trying to remember the first time you met Jin.

"No, no, no. It's fine." Jin smoothly reached for your hand as he noticed you trying to dig deeper in your memory box. "We met at the Golden Globes Awards. I think it was in January 2016. I was at this corner, quiet because I already interacted with a lot of people that night and I just need to take a break."

You giggle with that. Knowing Jin, it sounds like something he would do.

He continued, "Then suddenly, this person spoke up to me, offering me a TicTac. I turned my head and then I saw you! I think you were nominated for that night while I presented an award."

"Wait! I think I recall parts of that night... You presented an award with Lily James, right?"

"Yep."

"Oh, I remember! I remember thinking you looked gorgeous in the suit you were wearing!" you exclaimed. "Then, I think we were briefly introduced by a mutual friend during the awards show..."

Jin nods, "Yeah, it was quick since you were about to go backstage to prepare for a bit."

"That's right! Then, at the after-party, I don't really remember much. I was probably hanging out with my then-boyfriend and their circle of friends the whole night. I don't recall offering you-- or anyone TicTac. But it's probably true since I always carry around mints in my purse." you sighed, slightly disappointed with yourself.

"Don't worry. It was a quick interaction." he tried to reassure you. "We had a small talk. I found it calming that I am not the only one feeling a bit exhausted from all the people and interactions. We didn't really talk long since you left early with your date... After that exchange, my impression of you is all nice."

"All nice?"

"Yeah, I thought you're easy to get along with and a good conversationalist," Jin explained.

"Oh, really? That's a good first impression." you smiled. "Well, me... My first impression was even before our first meeting for the movie, Cornelia Street."

Jin tilted his head at you, obviously curious.

You resumed, "Here's why. When the role was offered to me, I was told that Catherine, the screenwriter of the movie, already had the two of us in mind when she was writing it. She said she knew that we will be perfect for this movie. And I was so curious how can she say that since we haven't really had any public interaction. Plus, I haven't got a chance to watch any of your works. So, I did look you up and watch the first one that shows up."

"What is it?"

"Cinderella!" you gushed. "And here's my first impression--" you paused and turned to Jin. "Get ready because I'm about to lift your chair, Prince Charming."

He laughed and played along with your enthusiasm. He even held on the couch you two were sitting on, like it was going to actually move.

"Ready?" you asked and he nodded. "Here's what I said to Hailey since I was watching with her that time... Fuck! How is that face real?!"

That instantly made him laugh as you used the same intense tone you used before.

"Because you looked like a real prince in that film! The hair! The prince outfit! That face!" you added. "So that was my first impression."

"How about during our chemistry test?" Jin asked out of curiosity,

"Oh, I thought you were the most gentle person. I mean, you were so respectful. I appreciate you asking for permission in everything-- I mean, EVERYTHING. Remember? I can feel that you were making an effort to make me comfortable in everything we did. I honestly thought that you were just shy because it's, what I thought, our first meeting. But you were so nice and fun to work with."

"I think we hit it off instantly during our first filming day..." you replied, turning your head to Jin.

He nods, "Yeah, during rehearsals for our first scene, we were just having small talks. You know, getting to know each other stage. Then, the next thing I know we're joking and sending random shit to each other. It was pretty quick."

"Yeah, in our fourth-day filming, our director, bless her heart, talked with us two privately. In the most respectful and kindest way, she can, she asked us if we were dating." you cackled.

"Oh, I remember that! When we denied it, I don't think she really believed us. But she lets it go quickly."

For the last question, the a-listers were asked individually. Jin's lips formed a small smile as he heard the question.

"I knew that she will be an important person to me when... she made me comfortable the first time we talked. I don't know how. But that night at the after-party, I didn't find it hard to chat. Like usually, I really don't know how to maintain a conversation with a stranger. I don't really like small talk. I don't know. Maybe it's her. Y/N has this natural charm of making everyone around her warm... comfortable."

On the other hand, you took a pause when the question was asked. You were humming as you look back into your head. It only took you seconds.

"Probably during our first screen test. It's just that-- He-- Okay." you took a breath. "Let me just put context first before my answer... The same year we had that test, I had my breakup from a pretty bad relationship. So I kinda have low expectations of anyone. Especially men. And I work in an industry where anything can be improvised and faked."

"So, when I met Jin, I may look put together. But my head was a mess and expected him to be just like the other jerks I worked with. The one who is only nice to everyone on the first day. So I kept my expectations low, very low. But then, he was so kind and tender. In the screen test, we were asked to act in our characters. We had to pretend that we have been longing for each other for a long time just by staring at each other, without saying any words. And his eyes! I swear, his eyes are one of the most expressive ones I saw. It honestly helped me to, you know, sympathize with the 'yearning' our characters have."

"Then, he did something improvised, which is fine. I don't know how to explain it but maybe because I was pretty sad at that time. But I really appreciated that tight squeeze type of hug, the one that really made me feel that he was longing for my character. And although it was for an act, I personally felt at ease. It was like all the heavy baggage I had in me was temporarily subdued. I swore I almost cried and it would probably be embarrassing. But yeah, it was a good embrace and he's the best leading man any actress could ask for."

also, anon, the a-listers are sending you all the love back! 💕💖

taglist rules

THE A-LISTERS TAGLIST

@seolaquotes @jub-jub @yoontaethings @kissme-ornot @sleepy-daydreams @veronawrites @cuteipat @ratherbefangirling @babystarcandy-gcf @akirawhore @alpacaparkaseok @rjsmochii @prlan @lovesickbangtan @zealouslightcookiebasketball @rapmonie2047 @btsiguess-kpop @angelarin @walkinganxiety0 @bloopkook @stopeatread @yoooonie @amara-mars @firesighgirl @zwiehe

PERMANENT TAGLIST

@dunixxd​ @cixrosie​ @jksjx @embrace-themagic @buttvi @starbtslove  @missseoulite @vanntaesworld @barbiekatz @chimchimmarie

[garetlomodag]

2023 November: Betrayals and Jesus

Let me start off by saying that with the peaks and progress of the previous months, I didn’t imagine this month to be the longest I would cry and get furious, get heartbroken all over again (circa 2014), and find myself undone at Jesus’ feet.

At the second to the last month of the year nonetheless, no mercy!!

I decided there’s no holding back in this piece. This is my blog anyway. I had to do the edits here cos when I started my draft, I was bat crazy mad.

Whatever good and trash I dump here, I don’t have any regrets. I stay true to what I wanted to do at the start of the year, to document all this and hopefully look back and see how God mysteriously moved the whole year. This post is gonna be long. So if you’re not ready for it, it is fine just pass through.

But if you’re still here then you must have been intrigued by the title and want to know what the fuss is. There’s no kwento here (if 🍵 is what you want) , it’s just me processing all this, in hopes that I see the light and reach the end of this tunnel — whenever that may be.

I have several things I want to talk about. You may or may not agree with everything, but I hope you pick a thing or two for your own good.

In most of my learnings and realizations this year (if you’ve been reading everything I was posting since January), it’s about choosing your people, being ‘choiceful’ of the people you trust, that it is better to build relationships with people you share the same values with, that your closest group make a big influence in who you are. I still stand by what I said.

But today I write something somewhat connected to all those.

It is this: betrayal stings the most when committed by people you deeply trusted your heart with. Betrayal stings the most when committed at a time when it mattered the most.

If you’re here, you probably already know that when I build relationships I truly treasure, I trust all in. I don’t hold back loving my people cos that’s how I’m wired. When I love, I love deeply and genuinely. With no ulterior motives, no schemes, no maneuvers to selfishness — in whatever context that maybe. Heck, only threatened people will take my kindness negatively. I always see to it (and remind myself) that it is from the abundance of what I get from God that I can treasure these people.

So you can already probably imagine how it feels and weighs for me now? The deeper the care, the deeper the cut. Imagine the horror of knowing that you’ve been (character)-assassinated by people you care for in a room you were not in.

Going through this, I remembered some brutal and savage people/characters I’ve encountered in my life that I am pondering on now:

An ex big boss once shared: “With me, I trust people first, then see what happens. If it gets broken (cos they do something stupid), then this time it’s gonna be hard earned.”

Jessica Pearson from Suits: “Loyalty is a two-way street. You’re getting it from me if I’m asking for it from you.”

What I read somewhere is true: time reveals all things. People, intentions, level of relationships.

Needless to say, I am still in the disgusted but heartbroken stage. I don’t know for how long, but I have not felt this same way in a long long time. I am disgusted at myself for ripping my heart and mind open to people who eventually took a swipe at me, bit me, and threw me under the bus with things I entrusted them in confidence.

I am calmer now (I guess). For context, my writing intervals take about 1 wk so the flow of this blog is fluctuating like crazy.

I had to be mad to have a resolve that I won’t go through this ever again. That I will be careful with my vulnerability and sincerity. But also kept telling myself that I don’t want to lose myself just because I was treated inappropriately. As difficult as it may seem, in the deepest part of my heart, I still ask God to not let me lose hope and faith in people. I’ve been asking Him so many things lately.

My outcry to God the past weeks has revolved around these thoughts:

- please protect me from those being strategic with me while I was just trying to be genuine with them

- Give me vindication as I try to hold myself together, when all I can see is the betrayal and my broken trust.

- For Him to remind me that He is still God and He will not withhold anything that is good for me. So when He withholds, there might be something about it.

- To remind me that crying is not a weakness, that my emotions are not to be taken lightly, invalidated, and used against me.

I can only say I am blessed because despite all this, I had accountable people who gave me different but sound POVs. If not for them, I would have wallowed in my slump.

I guess I just learned (again) the hard way. And maybe this is me realizing that I cannot keep everyone in my closest circle, that I need to learn to cut off people who don’t deserve an access to me.

What a friend of mine said stuck with me (non-verbatim): sometimes people — though they are not generally toxic — are only toxic to you. You snip them off. You don’t lose them. They lose you.

So it was really a surprise that T. Swift (yet again) articulated what I’m going through with a song she just released on all streaming platforms: You’re Losing Me.

Will I get over this? I hope so. It should pass, right?

Will they realize what they’ve done? Probably not, but that’s beyond me. The act is already a closure in itself.

Will I forgive? They may have lost a true comrade in me, but yes for sure I will (in hopes I can, and God allows me) forgive.. in time.

What a November right? I know I always tell you guys that I am praying for you, but this time I ask you to pray for me, as the Spirit leads you, genuinely.

Thank you for sticking this far. You mean a lot to me. 🌻❤️‍🩹

[psychewritesbs]

Character Analysis: Sukuna—Ryomen Sukuna’s Lore and his Symbolism

Analyzing Sukuna as a character is a big task. I started this draft maybe a month or two ago and I had not wanted to publish it because, in all honesty, this post is me overthinking small details (as I tend to do) and I have to admit that my thoughts on Sukuna could be both wrong and underwhelming--like DUH!

I mean... this is Gege we’re talking about here. The man is stupidly intelligent and unpredictable.

The thing about Sukuna is that there’s a lot we don’t know about him because he gets very little screen time. Thus creating more questions than answers and leaving a lot of room open for interpretation and speculation.

What we do know is that Sukuna is cruel and inhuman. He’s not your average Kurama or [insert-demon-trapped-inside-the-Shonen-Protagonist]. No, Sukuna is evil seeking to become incarnate.

That’s really all there is to it. Seriously... 

Before I Get Started...

EDIT 11/19/21: I’ve just read chapter 166 which is officially released on 112121. That being said, given I am posting this on the 19th, I decided not to address the chapter in this analysis because I don’t post leaks.

The majority of the text below was written prior to November 2021:

Could Yuji admitting guilt of Sukuna’s actions be explained as ONLY because he shoulders the burden of responsibility of having swallowed Sukuna’s finger? Yeah... totally.

Could there be more to it than that? Possibly! That’s the only reason I am nerding out about it. Sukuna and Yuji are the same Soul and Body after all.

Be warned that some of what I have written here is heavy speculation. Read with a grain of salt and let me know what you think! I love connecting with others about JJK. 

This is not really a theory, but rather my long train of thought trying to understand Sukuna and Yuji.

Starting with the Current Arc in Mind

As of November 2021, with chapter 165’s release, we have not seen Sukuna since Yuta “killed” Yuji.

However, just because we haven’t seen Sukuna, it doesn’t mean he’s not ever-present. Quite the opposite, Sukuna’s consciousness is quietly observing everything from within his innate domain.

Sukuna is waiting for just the right moment to use “enchain”: I wonder if it’s pretty much a given, but I have reasons to believe that the switch word comes back around to Sukuna’s fixation with Megumi. You can read about that here.

But Sukuna also seems to be waiting for the moment when his consciousness is able to take over Yuji’s body permanently. If you think about it, right from the beginning of JJK, Sukuna seems all too certain he’ll take over Yuji’s body eventually.

On the other hand, Yuji seems certain he can keep control of his body and keep Sukuna’s consciousness suppressed.

The Perfect Vessel (or a quick review)

I keep repeating myself, but I simply cannot overstate that as Gege reveals more details about Yuji, it is becoming increasingly obvious that Yuji was always meant to become Sukuna’s vessel.

For one, we know that normal humans get sick when cursed blood/objects are ingested or absorbed into their bloodstream. For example, in chapter 143 Naoya gets sick from Choso’s attack. In chapter 1 Megumi calls it a 1-in-a-million shot that Yuji would survive eating a cursed object as potent and powerful as one of Sukuna’s fingers.

If I had to make a wild guess here, I would go as far as saying that Yuji is a clone of the original Sukuna. I’ve seen many comments about how the original Sukuna looks a lot like Yuji and I’ve always thought it’s a coincidence or an unimportant detail.

But, given what we know about Kenjaku (whom I will occasionally refer to as Kenny moving forward), and Yuji and Sukuna, is it really a coincidence?

For one, as I already mentioned, for some reason, Yuji survived eating Sukuna’s fingers.

Second, Kenjaku is known to be a mad-scientist-type character who would go to any length to reach his goal--like giving birth to Yuji. If you think about it, Kenny basically went through morning sickness and labor pains for his masterplan. Talk about commitment.

Third, so far the majority of Sukuna’s fingers seem to have been in Kenjaku’s possession. My wild guess is that he could have used stem cells from one of the fingers to create a clone.

I KNOW! I am sharing some bat-shit-crazy-town crack theories. But... seriously. As I mentioned earlier, Sukuna’s character creates more questions than answers and these are just some of my thoughts on the matter with all of the clues Gege has provided up until now.

Aside from all of the implications around Kenjaku having literally given birth to Yuji, he also claims he made Yuji eat Sukuna’s finger as though Yuji had no free will in the matter.

Unless Kenjaku himself intended to force-feed the finger to Yuji, if the above is true, to me Kenjaku’s claim implies that Yuji’s consciousness was somehow pre-programmed to eat the finger. It was going to happen one way or another.

Moving forward, I would not be surprised if Gege braingasms us into oblivion with further revelations about Yuji and how his birth and life have been orchestrated as part of Kenjaku’s goals.

We already saw how Sasaki was a pawn in Kenny’s plan. 

After re-reading volume 3, I noticed that in chapters 23, 24 and 25, we learn that Kenjaku orchestrated the right conditions for Yuji and Junpei to meet and befriend each other--all for the sake of forcing Yuji to make a binding vow in Sukuna’s favor.

That isn’t the last time the idea of a binding vow is mentioned by Kenny and friends. During Shibuya, Jogo too suggests to Sukuna that he should make a binding vow with Yuji, something that Sukuna declines because he’s got new plans--aka he’s become a Megumi simp. 

Funny enough, writing this I noticed that, although they have different reasons for doing so, both Sukuna and Yuji want to protect Megumi at all costs. 

All that to say: Since the idea of Sukuna needing to make a binding vow with Yuji is brought up by Kenny et al, I am guessing Kenjaku might have been prepared for the possibility that Sukuna would have a hard time taking over Yuji’s body.

What if Sukuna is Yuji’s Evil Self?

This is where we start moving further down into Crack Theory Land. I am kind of reluctant to theorize about JJK because Gege is crazy unpredictable, but my brain can’t help itself with all of the questions...

An actual picture of me reading JJK:

So... again, take my words with a grain of salt. 

Now, I’ve been very intentional when I use words like “Sukuna’s consciousness” and “Yuji’s personality” for a reason.

What I am getting at is that I am starting to wonder whether Sukuna and Yuji are both becoming one and yet remaining two separate consciousnesses with their own respective agency and free will. 

This is just speculation, but Yuji’s clothes mirroring Sukuna’s (black and white outfit) during chapters 153-160 could be a big deal. 

Gege revealed in an interview that the symbolism of Yuji’s Jujutsu Kousen uniform and Sukuna’s kimono was very much intentionally meant to oppose the other’s clothing. So the fact that Gege drew Sukuna and Yuji following the same pattern of clothing is very suspicious. 

In addition, I personally feel like in the latest chapters Yuji has been looking very Sukunaish. There’s just something uncanny about how Yuji is drawn in certain panels that reminds me more of Sukuna than of Yuji.

The Holy Trinity and JJK

This thought of Yuji and Sukuna becoming one opens the Soul = Body can of worms that is ever-present in JJK. Gege has not made a concrete statement about it, but I have to wonder whether we can include the Mind into the equation.

Thus, the Mind = the Soul = the Body.

What Sukuna does for this argument, however, is that he throws a wrench on the idea that the Mind = the Soul = the Body.

The way I see it, since Sukuna’s cursed energy and memories are stored in the fingers, the more of them Yuji eats, the more he digests and absorbs that energy into his body. Thus, Yuji is also inevitably transforming his soul as a result.

This is something Gojo himself assumed would happen. 

What I am having a hard time wrapping my head around is the idea that Yuji’s mind consciousness and Sukuna’s mind consciousness are both merging and at the same time remaining as two separate personalities (minds) inhabiting the same body.

Does this mean the Mind ≠ the Body = the Soul?

In other words, Yuji’s mind remains the endearing and beautiful person that he is, while Sukuna’s mind is everything that Yuji isn’t--cold, calculating, inhuman.

If the Mind ≠ the Body = the Soul, then Yuji is not Sukuna.

If the Mind = the Body = the Soul, however, then Yuji and Sukuna are the same.

So... which is it?

I think the only way for Mind = Body = Soul to continue to hold true is by assuming cursed energy considers Yuji and Sukuna twins. 

The Myth That Inspired Sukuna: Ryomen Sukuna

There are a couple of fan theories and parallels to Sukuna: from mythology, to an urban legend and even Buddhism. For the purpose of this nerd out, I will be basing my analysis on the myth of Ryomen Sukuna, the two-headed specter/deity and benefactor of Hida Province. 

You can read about it on your own over here and over here. These are, unfortunately, the only sources I was able to find and I have no way of confirming their veracity. We will just have to take what’s written in these two sources with a grain of salt until more is revealed.

To keep things clear, moving forward I will be referring to the mythological figure that inspired JJK’s Sukuna as Ryomen Sukuna. As for JJK’s Sukuna, I will refer to him simply as Sukuna.

Ryomen Sukuna

According to the Nihonshoki (Chronicles of Japan), Ryomen Sukuna is described as a two-headed specter that was known for becoming an enemy to the emperor for disobeying the Imperial Court and making people suffer ( Japanese-English Bilingual Corpus of Wikipedia's Kyoto Articles). He was eventually defeated by a military commander sent by the Imperial Court.

Other bits about Ryomen Sukuna’s myth that might be relevant to Jujutsu Kaisen and the implications for understanding Sukuna:

Despite being described as a villainous figure by the Nihonshoki, Ryomen Sukuna was worshipped and considered a hero and benefactor by the people of the Hida and Mino Provinces. 

Ryomen Sukuna is thought to have been the one who brought Buddhism into Hida Province

There is a theory that holds that Ryomen Sukuna is the secret deity of Minashi Shrine which worships Kuraiyama Mountain as a sacred place where Gods live

Hida Province itself was considered a Takamanohara, or a place of high heaven where Gods live, by the Takeuchi-monjo (an ancient Japanese text)

There are, of course, references to Ryomen Sukuna symbolizing twins because of his two faces. One of the kanji in Ryomen means two face or twin

Ryomen Sukuna is described as having two pairs of arms, tremendous power and being able to move quickly

The last two points are the most relevant for what we know about Sukuna as of chapter 165.

Yuji and Sukuna--psychically conjoined twins

In a nutshell, you could say that Yuji and Sukuna are like conjoined twins. They are both one and the same, and at the same time, they are each their own individual conscious self (mind) with their own agency and memories that are irrespective of the other.

If you think about it, Gege already introduced the idea that cursed technique considers twins to be the same person in the Perfect Preparation arc.

Again, even the meaning of the name Ryomen Sukuna speaks to Yuji and Sukuna’s nature as psychic twins. According to this article, the kanji in Ryomen Sukuna literally translate to “twin/two-face + mask + something that drives evil away.”

In other words, the reason I say Yuji and Sukuna are the same is because their personalities (minds) are the two different faces (see what I did there?) of the same coin (soul and body).

To me, Yuji owning to Sukuna’s actions in chapter 165 is not just about his guilt that Sukuna took over the body or feeling weak because he couldn’t keep his evil self suppressed, but also the fact that they share the same soul. There is some degree of separation happening, and yet at the same time, they are still the same person with two different minds/personalities. 

Yuji is “Good Sukuna” and Sukuna is “Evil Yuji”.

Mind = Body = Soul. 

In this particular case, Yuji’s Soul happens to have two minds that oppose and antagonize each other--they are psychically conjoined twins.

Is Yuji incomplete?

The most telling clue of the idea that Yuji and Sukuna are the two different faces of the same coin is the fact that they couldn’t be more different from the other.

Yuji is a care bear while Sukuna is a vicious demon.

Yuji wants to save others while Sukuna does not value human life.

Yuji is kind-hearted while Sukuna is cold and vicious.

When it comes to Yuji and Sukuna, psychologically-speaking, they exist on polar opposites of the same spectrum.

What is interesting to me is that, as I mentioned earlier, from my perspective, Yuji is physically starting to resemble Sukuna in the latest chapters--more specifically when they first entered Tokyo Colony No. 1.

Again, this is a Yuji that has already digested 15 fingers worth of Sukuna’s cursed energy. This made me wonder about what would happen once Yuji eats all 20 fingers.

Side note: I don’t know how, but I’m going to get my precious little hands on a hard copy of Jump Giga’s December issue just for this poster.

When I first saw the image above, I was mostly blown away by the amount of sheer attention to detail Gege put into this drawing. 

But then, I realized this isn’t just any drawing... this drawing is a Mandala.

A Mandala is a symbol of wholeness, a “symbolic picture of the universe”. One of the things that Buddhist Mandalas are recognized for is having a deity at the center of the Mandala just like in the drawing above.

I can’t say for sure whether Gege meant to draw a mandala. Perhaps he just thought the drawing would look cool if he created a symmetrical piece. Whether the choice was conscious or not, however, a mandala is still a mandala.

So, if I had to make yet another wild guess, this drawing symbolizes how Yuji can only achieve “wholeness” once he’s eaten all 20 fingers.

I don’t know how to explain but... the fact that Yuji is such an endearing person with no negative/dark traits points to an unbalanced psyche. 

We all have good and evil within us. The difference is that Yuji’s evil is symbolized in Sukuna the way Sukuna’s goodness is symbolized in Yuji.

"How about I kill every human in Shibuya? All but one, that is.”

There are several theories about what Sukuna wants from Megumi. 

Whether you believe Sukuna wants for Megumi to create a new body for him, or whether you believe Sukuna wants to have Megumi for dinner, we won’t know until Gege reveals the outcome.

I personally used to think that Sukuna wanting Megumi to create a new body for him was not likely. Given my understanding of the 10 Shadows cursed technique, I couldn’t wrap my head around why Sukuna would want to become a Shikigami that is subject to being summoned by the sorcerer--think of how Mahoraga only gets summoned as last resort because no one has been able to tame it. 

The thing that confused me is that Sukuna has made a rather interesting binding vow with Yuji that does not involve holding any of his friends hostage (as Kenny and all the other curses assumed would need to happen)--as a result, I kind of had to reconsider.

ESPECIALLY because we still don’t know what the full extent of the 10 Shadows cursed technique is. What we do know is that 10 Shadows is inspired by the 10 Treasures of Shintoism and that two of the remaining treasures stand for “life and resurrection”.

And if you haven’t read about it yet, there is the possibility that the Japanese word for “enchain” itself could literally translate to “blessing + resurrection/life” when you swap the kanji around a bit. Remember the kanji in Megumi’s name means blessing.

My best wild guess is that Megumi’s shadow can work as a medium to bring something that is not of this world into this world--we’ve already seen Megumi move both himself and objects in and out of shadows. 

Whether it’s a new body or an army of curses, we have yet to see what it is Sukuna sees in Megumi that can help him bring about the world he wants to create.

The shadow itself is an interesting psychological concept that extends beyond conscious awareness and “has access” to the collective unconscious. If Gege is using Megumi’s shadow in a similar manner as Carl Jung’s definition of it, then I have to wonder just what else Megumi can do through his shadow.

Put another way... What if this shadow realm Megumi is moving through is the same realm that Kenny talks about in chapter 160?

Whatever it is, Yuji has already told us that Megumi will suffer. 

Intro to Sukunology 101

If you’ve made it this far, 🤪 thank you for attending Intro to Sukunology 101. 

As you can see, it’s a lot of heavy speculation based on clues provided from throughout the entire story. Meaning... I could be wrong in my interpretation! 

These are my thoughts on Sukuna and I am by no means the expert. I am just someone who has a propensity to over-think small details, see the big picture, and put together holistic arguments that take seemingly unrelated concepts into account. 

Basically I am a nerd and I like to document it.

What are your thoughts on Yuji and Sukuna? Do you agree or disagree?

Again, if you made it this far, thank you for reading! 🙇🏻‍♀️

For now, I am out! Gotta go buy food for cooking. I’ve been in the zone working on this analysis for hours and I’m starving!

See you, Space Cowboy!

BONUS madness: Ryomen Sukuna and the Roman God Janus

*Feel free to skip this section. This section is straight up speculation using comparative mythology. I moved it to the end precisely because it is very speculative but decided to include it because “why not?”.

One of the things that really caught my attention from the article on Ryomen Sukuna by the Japanese-English Bilingual Corpus of Wikipedia’s Kyoto Articles, is that the authors of the article compare Ryomen Sukuna to the Roman God Janus. 

After going down a rabbit hole looking a bit into Janus, I couldn’t help but notice the two-faced deity/twin motif playing out for both Janus and Ryomen Sukuna. 

This similarity made me wonder if, like Janus, given what is written above about Hida Province, Ryomen Sukuna is also a liminal deity that rules over liminal spaces such as the cursed realm between dreams and reality that JJK introduces in chapter 160.

Thanks for this amazing “yet another important concept lost in translation” breakdown by soukatsu_ on twitter.

Again, remember Hida Province was considered to be a place of high heaven where Gods live. Whatever the case, if we take Janus’ archetype into consideration, Janus is a sort of God of doors, transitions, and liminal spaces.

If Gege ends up unconsciously using some of the same archetypal material, we could find that Sukuna is a gatekeeper to this in-between space Kenny speaks of. Come to think of it, maybe this is why Sukuna is a prodigy and why he has such a deep understanding of cursed energy.

[ktffansub]

Bijutsu Techo: Boys Love – Interview: Yoneda Kou

This article was first published in November 17th, 2014. Translated from Japanesse to Bahasa Indonesia by kalengjelek and then translated from Bahasa Indonesia to English by KTFfansub. Source: here

When did you first encounter manga?

I was born in a family with three daughters; while my older sister likes reading Ribbon magazine, I like reading Nakayoshi. It was the era of Asagiri Yuu-sensei, when I was in elementary school. My favorite at that time were Kusunoki Kei sensei’s works and Patlabor. When it came to Shonen, I would say I was more into Shounen Sunday. I also loved Kawaraha Izumi sensei’s works. When I think about it, rather than manga that were full of passion, I’d actually prefer manga that had calm and soothing kind of vibe.

Is that so… What about BL?

When I was in Junior High, my older sister showed me Captain Tsubasa Doujinshi by Ozaki Minami and I was dumbfounded, I thought, “So, there’s also a world like this!”. After that, I started to buy BL manga. At that time, the mangaka who left the most impression to me was Nishi Keikosensei. Her works such as Mizu Ga Koori Ni Naru Toki, Tenshi Ni Naranakya have unique openings, it made me reread them many times. Uida Shiuko (now Kano Shiuko) and Yoshinaga Fumi Sensei are also my favorite mangaka.

When was the first time you draw manga?

I seriously began drawing manga in my first year of junior high. At first, I drew a pair of man and woman, but after page three, I felt something was off. So, I tried drawing BL for the next one. Just like the present, I’ve always loved less expressive and less-talkactive main characters (laughs). But the more I draw, then an attentive senpai with good personality and short haired ones like Togawa in Doushitemo Furetakunai also appeared. At that moment I thought, “Oh, this is it!”

You really weren’t embarrassed, are you? (laughs)

Well, it’s because it was embarrassing, that’s why I’m not really open about my drawing manga activity.

(laughs) But you debut as professional mangaka eventually, how did that happen?

Yes, after that… I worked as office lady. I got married not long after, but then, I was getting through a marriage blues. At that time, I was invested in Kakashi and Naruto shown by my older sister along with Comiket catalogue.

The power of moe beats out your anxiety (laughs)

It’s true (laughs). Escaping from reality, I checked a lot of circles and opened some sites. There I found a work from a novelist (now has debuted professionally) that I really liked. This is why I started writing novel at first, not drawing. I have a lot of ways to accommodate my moe needs. I also once drew Doujinshi but due to my inability to use a proper diction, the result wasn’t optimal (laughs). After drawing slowly and more at ease, I got into Katekyo Hitman Reborn fandom and drew a lot of doujinshi for that series. A year later, I was contacted by Taiyou Tosho publisher.

“With that publisher, Yoneda Kou published Doushitemo Furetakunai which has been adapted into a movie. Since the beginning, Yoneda Kou didn’t draw one-shot but serialization. For the movie, even though it only tells a story of daily lives, but the directing, composition and dialogue are impressive. About 4,5 years later, the second volume of Saezuru Tori wa Habatakanai that had the yakuza neighborhood setting was released. This has completely different feeling compared to Doushitemo Furetakunai.”

My first work was actually published in Drap, so I had it adjusted to be a less-heavy work. That’s why I ended up switching to another magazine.

Was it a demand from the editor?

Of course I only draw what I want to draw. But without realizing, I always draw them to fit the magazine. And it seems like Taiyou Tosho prefers me to draw more simple work.

So, sensei is the type who pays attention to editor’s suggestion. When you wrote the first chapter of Saezuru Tori Wa Habatakanai, did you already want Yashiro to be the main character (for longterm series)?

Right. I didn’t explain it in the first one-shot, but I always believe that no matter how you look at it, Yashiro really loved Kageyama. And (even though he’s drawn like that) he is actually a neko (uke). I think he is an interesting character. When I drew highschooler Yashiro and others, it had been decided that I wanted to write a serialization for this.

And only then the character Doumeki was born?

At that time, the character Doumeki didn’t exist, but I thought very hard about what kind of partner that would be suitable for Yashiro. I took a break from drawing for about two years. I only worked on illustration during that time, until one morning an idea suddenly came to me, “That’s right! Erectile dysfunction!”. I immediately sent an email to my editor: “A perverted impotent man!” (laughs). Afterwards, I finally worked on the first draft.

(laughs hard) Finally, the combination of Yashiro and Doumeki who are the opposite of each other was decided. What an amazing couple that can even make the readers losing sleep.

I do have this particular interest in people’s decision and behaviour resulted from a contrasting relationship that is full of conflicts. Because there are so many characters in Saezuru, I have this excel file compiling the plot for each character chronologically. Otherwise, I would’ve forgotten about it. If I didn’t seriously research (the setting of my own story), I wouldn’t be able to write anything when I made name. But even though I got through it, drawing a family with no blood ties like yakuza was still difficult. If I don’t focus, the story might turn out like Nagara Sakugyou*. That’s why now I’m just focusing on doing Saezuru.

*) nagara sakugyou: other work that being serialized at the same time

Up until now, Sensei has published 5 volumes and all of them have beautiful covers with varied tones.

Actually, the cover color for Doushitemo Furetakunai should’ve looked like red wine, but it seemed like there was an error in printing so the pink was contrasting into it. But it turned out to be good.

Then about the cover for the Saezuru first volume. It’s so impressive! The stepped-on man! All the people around me also had high appraise for this.

Actually, there were so many things happened in the process. By taking the request (it isn’t clearly explained whether it’s from editor/designer) of “Yashiro sitting alone”, I first submitted that illustration to the book designer. However, I couldn’t throw away the idea of Yashiro being stepped on, so, during the next three days I was stressed out. I’ve finally asked them to keep my idea and that’s how the cover of the first volume ended up the way it is now.

I see! For the second volume, it’s totally different, isn’t it? It’s a scenery, but when you do a double take, there are Yashiro and Doumeki!

I always want to give a different vibe in each volume. Actually I’m also a fan of the way Tsumugi Taku-sensei draws scenery.

Hoo-, sensei is a fan of Tsumugi sensei! Talking abough NIGHTS, when you open the cover, there’s a surprise in it!

Yes, if you look at the rough sketches there were 4 pages of picture that were interconnected. In the end, the desainer took picture number two as the cover and number four to put it on the bottom of the back cover. For Soredemo, I didn’t get any guide from the book designer. I combined the the feel of the story with a touch of water paint. At first, I actually wanted to make Deguchi pulling Onoda’s hand to get out of the train, but it ended up looking like Deguchi forced Onoda to stay (with him). So I decided it’s Onoda who’s getting off the train by himself with Deguchi waiting on the platform.

Do you do the coloring with computer? How about the non-colored script?

I use SAI for coloring but for monochrome I usually draw by my hand until the inking, then I do the tone using photoshop.

Do you self-learned drawing?

Well, I at least bought a lot of ‘pose reference’ books often. When it comes to buy things, it feels great, doesn’t it? But when it comes to manga, we draw to tell our moe concept.. well, I love drawing moe concept, but the thing is- I’m not really good at drawing. I like thinking about moe stuff, I also like to combine colors (inside my head) but when I do, I have no desire to draw I, even though that’s the important part. There are often times when I feel like drawing is a handful. In short, I want to draw something that isn’t too troublesome.

But, isnt it because you’re doing manga seriously that it feels difficult?

Because I’m too serious I feel like the story can be boring. Not only the work but also the author (laughs). I often read comments saying my manga is ‘down to earth’. I guess it’s shown obviously in every each of my works

Sure, there are people who think like, “In real world, there’s no way a wakagashira can be as masochist as Yashiro”, but apart from that, Saezuru still gives an impression of it being realistic. In drawing the important men’s arms and muscles in your work, sensei has done your best. Getting into the story, the characters also put extra effort to look elegant. Despite the young age, in a positive sense, sensei’s works feels like having Showa* vibe.

(*SHOWA ERA: 1926~1989)

I’m no longer young, though (laughs). Maybe this is why my works often get called “JUNE”. Especially Saezuru, I think it really fits (JUNE concept).

Are you an organized person?

I’m actually a person who have no chill (laughs). But I have this side of myself who tend to see things as a whole, look at my surrounding then step on the brake. There is also a side of me that is so energetic in creating my own moe that I turn into a selfish person. I guess that’s also my flaw.

It seems like sensei is the type who has her own editorial meeting inside her head (laughs)

I wish it’s not true, but unfortunately, I’m the type of person who is embarrased to admit that I have a relationship with manga. Even until now I have yet told my close friends about this job (as BL mangaka). I’m not that kind of person who like to share or tell others about my moe situation inside my head. When my moe concept is being visualized in public I would scream, “Don’t look! But if you want to read it, I’d be happy”. Yes, I’m that kind of person.

I wonder if sensei’s works are the manifestation of sensei’s own self-contradictions..

[neonghostcat]

The monster still grows.

So, for the last couple of days I've been finishing up the last major edit of The Guardian Ghost and the Bookish Fairy.

I've been half-jokingly making comments about how it keeps growing and getting out of hand, like someone seeded a garden with mint or something. Delightful! I love mint! But apparently mint is one of those plants you have to treat like a virus or it grows out of control.

I have not treated this story like a virus.

I am suffering for it.

Okay, 'suffering' is going maybe a little too far.

But this was supposed to be a quick story written in the middle of July so on August 8th I'd have something to post, right? And then I could spend the rest of my free time working on Cultivate.

Every time I work on it, it grows.

I finally gave in and upped the chapter count from 9 to 10.

I had to.

Chapters 8 and 9 were already over 7k as it was. One of them was over 7.5k. There was a time not that long ago where I thought 5k was pushing peoples' tolerance level. ~7.5k+ is practically past indulgent.

Then I started reading chapter 8 and realized... My friend, there was stuff left out.

I must have been so tired and ready for the story to end I hallucinated writing a few parts of scenes. And those parts added up. (I forgot about Binghe. He straight up disappears for a bit in chapter 9. Same thing with Shang Qinghua, only it sticks out less. Both of them have been properly restored to the narrative. I have also added Shang Qinghua back to the tags because he really is in the story enough to be tagged.)

Hilariously, when I split Chapter 9 into two parts, there were ~5.5k left in it. "Oh good. A more normal-sized chapter then. I'll just add a little more and fill in any gaps and we're golden."

It is currently just over 7k. I guess in the end I only cut the size down by maybe ~500 words by taking ~2.1k out of it.

Magic.

When I uploaded chapter one, the draft was ~49k. It is currently at ~55k. And since Chapter 10 is currently just over 2k, that means an absolute minimum of 2k more left to write.

The story is absolutely better for it. And the rough draft of the ending always sucks until I've had time to let it stew a bit before I come back to it, so having more room to work with to make the ending better is always great.

But I want to be able to post Cultivate starting before November. I feel awkward about talking about Cultivate since October and always writing, "One shorter story so I can focus on Cultivate."

I have written four stories since NaNoWriMo. FFS. No more!

I am hopeless. 😂

[imaginesmai]

Peter Parker - In your corner

Enjoy this fluffy fic I forgot I had in my drafts!

Plot: Peter is having a hard time in college, and a visit from his favourite girl is just what he needs

The sun was bright in the sky, one of those rare days in early November where you still could wear only a thin jacket. Life was buzzing around you; students that were leaving their classes, teachers that were almost running to their cars, and the occasional reunion that made you smile even wider. Because you had your own waiting for you, somewhere between the entrance and the huge building of MIT.

You tried to stretch your head as much as you could to search for the curly haired boy that you wanted to surprise. He wasn’t that hard to find; Peter had grown that summer a few inches, and his shoulders were bulkier than before. But Friday seemed to be the chosen day to create as much noise as the students could, so between shoves and uncomfortable crowds, you were finding it hard to see him.

Someone behind you whispered your name in what they thought were discreet words, but you heard the giggles and the laughs. It was hard to miss them, when it happened a few times while you skipped the students in your way to find Peter. You felt the uncomfortable itch that they always gave you, and that in the last few months had turned into the horrible grief that you were still carrying. Knowing that you wouldn’t like to find any articles about Y/N Stark lashing out on some students, you pulled the bag closer to your body and lowered your head.

You had to bear with a few more pushes until finally you collided with one that was too familiar. Looking up, you met Peter’s warm eyes and his cheeky smile.

“Hey Stark” Peter whispered, but you could hear him perfectly. “Didn’t take you for one of public places”

“I would have taken the jet, but I didn’t want to embarrass you” you rolled your eyes.

Not noticing the audience that you had besides him, you leaned forward and caught Peter’s lips with yours. It had been three weeks since you last saw him, too busy with SI and with your life back in the lake house. He seemed to leave the shyness aside and leaned further into the kiss, until someone coughed and you had to break apart. If it was possible, he looked even more handsome.

“I’ll see you on Monday?” Peter spared a glance to the group of people he was walking with, while his hand gripped your own.

“Y-yeah, I guess. Uh – have, a… good weekend” a boy you didn’t know stuttered out.

Peter nodded to him and quickly scrambled out of the big crowd. You earned yourself another bunch of shoves and almost got stepped on by a guy as tall as the Hulk. The boy dragging you seemed much more eager to leave the place than yourself, but you didn’t dare to say anything. College could be stressful, from what he had told you, and you didn’t want to pressure him anymore.

So you just stepped to his side and hung yourself from his arm, supporting the bag on your other shoulder. Peter gave you a tight, tired smile and kept walking through the people. What had seemed like a nice day was quickly turning into one too hot, and you were tempted to get rid of the jacket you had brought with you. Knowing you had the car parked a few streets down, you resigned yourself to keep walking and receiving shoves.

After a few long, silent minutes, you were out and you breathed in relief.

“Oh God, that was stressful” you sighed, not tearing away from Peter. “Those are your friends?”

“Yeah – I mean, kind of. They’re my roommate’s friends, and I got along with them although I talk more with him alone”

“That’s good” you said, not really convinced by the answer. He seemed a little dull, almost not there. “I bet they’re not as good friends as me. I bought the car, no more peasant bus or walk”

“Probably, but I don’t feel comfortable doing this with my friends”

Peter shoving you into the wall and crashing his lips to yours wasn’t really a surprise, because you loved to do that all the time, yet the strength he followed the kiss with was a bit of a surprise. One of his hand made its way to your cheek and the other rested wrapped around your waist, making you stick to his body like a magnet. Your noses touched for a second until he tilted back; and then, he just left his lips there.

There was no fire burning like when he had initiating the kiss, just the need of touching each other. It was slow, too slow, and you smiled. His thumb was drawing small circles against your skin, warm and soft.

Peter ended the kiss, but instead of tearing apart, hugged you tighter and hid his head against your shoulder. It was a little awkward, since he had his backpack on and you couldn’t fully hug him. But whatever you did was enough, because he relaxed against you.

Your father’s death had been hard for the both of you, the blip and the separation with the university too. Sometimes, you just needed the comfort of each other.

“Everything fine?” you whispered, knowing he could hear you even with all that noise. Peter nodded against your shoulder and waited a few more seconds before tearing apart for real.

“Yeah. Just needed you, a lot” he answered truthfully, but you sensed it was more. “I hope the expensive car comes with a decent lunch. I’m not eating cafeteria trash again”

“Who do you take me for?” you teased, and grabbed his arm again to keep walking. “I’m the Y/N Stark, I do not eat food for less than 50$”

Peter chuckled and kissed your forehead. Instead of letting you just hang by his arm, like you usually walked, he put his arm around your shoulder and dragged you closer, until there was, once more, no space between the two of you.

-

The rest of the day ran uneventful, except from the nagging thought that there was something wrong with Peter. You ate in a Burger King and he ordered two kids menu, moving the toy around while you finished your own. It was strange seeing him so quiet and withdrawn, yet so close. He had chosen to sit beside you instead of in front, and when you had gone to the bathroom he looked as if he had been kicked.

You had asked him at least ten times if there was something wrong, but he either shrugged his shoulders or shook his head. The walk around the city was short and too hot, and not wanting to tell Peter that his arm around your shoulders was going to make you melt into a puddle of sweat, you had proposed going back to his dorm, the one you still hadn’t seen.

With Peter’s computer in the wheeled chair and his roommate out of the dorm, you watched a movie and laid close. So close, that in the middle of the movie you found yourself on top of him. Peter, as he always did, took his time to start talking – and when the credits rolled down, he talked.

“I’m not fine” you frowned at his tone, trembling and not as strong as always. A soft song played on the background, and you waited for him to continue. “I feel like – like a failure”

“Why would you say that?” you lifted yourself from where you were laying, landing on his left side with your head propped up in your hand, and the other one still resting on his chest.

“It’s true” he whispered, looking to ceiling lamp to your right. “I think that I don’t… maybe this is not what I’m supposed to be”

“In MIT?” you tried to get more information out of him, using one of your hands to brush the hair out of his forehead.

“I’m falling behind in two of my classes” a lonely tear ran down his cheek. “And… I failed the first physic test”

Peter started talking about how the exam had been too difficult for him, and even if the rest of the students had gotten not so good marks, he felt like he didn’t even understand what they were asking for. One thing led to another, and then he was talking about how he felt alone there too, because his real friends and you were away, and his roommate efforts for including him into his group weren’t enough.

He avoided talking about your father, but still a last ‘and I miss him’ left his lips. By the end, silent tears of frustration were running down his cheeks. You could guess that the mess of the desk was his, not of his roommate, and that he had been having a hard three weeks.

And if there was a part that broke your heart the most, was that he kept saying that he wanted to go home. The fierce protective instinct that you carried with your last name Stark-Potts took over you for a second and you wanted to pay every single thing he could need to finish college from home – but you reminded yourself that you didn’t have a say in the matter.

“I’m sorry you’ve come to visit only to hear me crying about nothing” Peter dropped one arm across his eyes. “It’s pathetic”

“Peter” you called him out, but he didn’t move his arm. “Come on, look at me. I don’t like talking to arms”

“I’m sorry” he repeated, sniffling softly.

“For what?” you insisted. “For talking about your feelings? For being honest with me? Come one, Peter. We’ve already been over it. You know you can tell me anything”

You remembered a few months ago, after the final battle, a similar situation. You had been destroyed by your father’s death, and it had taken a huge toll on you. Not going out of your room, barely eating, nearly zero talking; just lying in bed and crying. It was one of the hardest time of your life, and it had been Peter’s too. But the boy had ended up bringing you out of it by sitting with you a few hours each day, reading a book or watching a show. He had been hurt too, and sometimes he had to make a quick break to the bathroom with the excuse of getting emotional with the book. Still, he had helped you and you were forever grateful.

The problem was that he still hadn’t said anything real about your father’s death. You had seen him carrying everything like nothing, college and moving away. And you knew him well enough to know he wasn’t as good as he said.

Peter lifted his arm slightly at your words, his eyes glassy and red. You used it to push his arm out of the way fully, and stare at his gorgeous brown eyes.

“You don’t have to do this alone, Pete. What happened – what it meant for us… we can’t just pretend it didn’t happen. Sure, everyone suffered the blip. But they weren’t there, and you deserved the peace they’re searching for too” you explained.

“But I – it’s my first year, I can’t… I can’t…”

“If you need to, no one is gonna judge you for coming back home for a while” you comforted him, running a lazy finger across his jaw. “You saved them all, after all”

“So what? That’s not gonna take me anywhere, Y/N” he scoffed, finding the hem of your blouse and moving it between his fingers. “Engineer was my dream. It still is. I don’t want to leave it behind, but – but… I can’t – it’s too much, and –“

Peter’s chest started shaking under you, and his eyes looked away again. There was again, the panic he had been feeling since the begging of the year – maybe after the battle, or even before, when he learnt about five year gap. Unknown to you, Peter hadn’t even touched the suit since he arrived MIT. He spent the nights worrying about tests, studying and assignments, going as far as locking himself in the bathroom, away from his roommate, to have break downs in the shower.

He cursed himself as another tear rolled down his cheek, the lights from the forgotten movie only making the worrying look on your face more prominent. He had so desperately trying to hide it from you, but sometimes he forgot that you’re too similar to your father. Tony Stark noticed everything that was going on with him, so did you. After three weeks of bolting everything, he felt like digging himself in a hole and never coming up.

“You don’t have to leave MIT if you don’t want”

“But I’m failing! I can’t get any work done, I don’t understand anything and –“

“Look, it’s November already. You have winter break next month. And turns out, I have a very capable mother who is also worried about you and is willing to take up with the SI stuff until I come back” you smiled at his wide, surprised eyes. “What about I stay here? We can crash in a hotel, or you can make room for me in your bed. I’ll stay here until winter break, and then you will come home with me”

“I can’t ask you to stay” he squealed out, his voice too high pitched to be against the idea.

“You aren’t asking, I’m imposing, cause I’m a Stark and I’m in charge” you shrugged. You let your head fall back against his shoulder, hugging him close to you.

Both of you knew that it was still too long for winter break. You still had more than twenty days to come, that’s if MIT stopped their classes in early December. And even if you weren’t in college, you still had duties, a little sister and a mother to go back to. Yet Peter knew better than to say anything, so he turned his eyes back on the movie and blinked the tears away, already feeling a bit of that chest pressure lifting off.

“I’m in your corner, Pete” you mumbled softly, caressing the sink on his arm. “I’m always in your corner”

Want to read more? Check out my side blog @imaginesmaimasterlists​, where I keep all the masterlists! Feedback is always appreciated

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[johns-prince]

Hey love! I hope you’ve been doing well! I have some thoughts about some stuff I’ve noticed recently, so I hope you don’t mind listening to a bit of a ramble.

Basically, I was listening to Here Today and being emotional, as you do, and I thought to myself “Y’know, why don’t we give John’s old demos a go as well. Wouldn’t hurt to cry a bit more while listening to Now And Then.” However, as soon as I went to their links that I had saved so I could access them easily, Youtube gave me a notice saying they were taken down due to a copyright claim from Yoko. Now, I know copyright is obviously a thing that will happen since she’s basically in control of the Lennon empire, but I found it a bit odd that they were specific recordings, at least from what I noticed.

The Now And Then recording that I was familiar with was removed, and the only ones that I can see that are still up and older than about a month (which are the age of ones I think people have reuploaded after the others were taken down) are either clips from documentaries or edited versions that people pass as “Beatles versions” of the song. The other that I noticed being recently removed was the third demo of Real Life. Both have extreme hints towards Paul in them, Now And Then basically being wholeheartedly about Paul and that Real Life demo in particular having certain lines that seem to point to Paul (at least in my opinion).

I may be reading WAY too far into all of it and if I’m completely wrong then that’s fine by me (at least that would mean the only reason would be copyright), but after the whole thing about her replacing Paul’s introduction to John’s book with her own recently AND knowing the lengths she has gone in order to keep her and John’s “love” alive in the eyes of the public, I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t at least a bit more going on beyond the basic copyright claims in terms of some of these recordings. You’d think with a company that large, they’d have taken those videos down due to copyright pretty soon after they were posted, but they let them stay up for a fairly long while and were only taken down because Yoko herself decided to do so. I don’t really know honestly, just speaking my mind I guess.

I don’t mind rambling, all I ever do is ramble. Thank you for enjoying my rambling lol

Because I’mma ‘bout to ramble here myself—

So, let’s address some things that have been going on with the John Lennon Estate as of late, and the... Eight other companies that were linked to Yoko Ono (and apparently shared with The Beatles) because I think it’s important in maybe getting to the bottom of why the Hell this is happening now, and why so many demos, and even certain videos like the one with John filming and saying, “Paul, my dear one,” was even hit with copyright and taken down.

The companies that are in charge of John’s music rights are: 

Lensolo, Lincoln publishing, and Apple Corps. I think Apple Corps. is the only one shared between Yoko Ono and The Beatles?  

I’m not sure when she exactly did this, but from these two articles published in November, 2020 [x] [x] it must have been last year Yoko Ono apparently handed over business interests (The John Lennon Estate) over to Sean Lennon. 

So, Yoko has been managing the Estate, and the other companies, since John’s unfortunate death in 1980. Last year is when she apparently handed over management control to Sean:

“The musician has also joined the board at Lensolo which manages the music rights of some of his father’s solo output, The Mirror reported.  

Here comes the son: Sean Lennon, 45, has been appointed a director at eight companies linked to the family and the Beatles, including Apple Corp.” [x]

“Now Sean, 45, has been appointed a director at eight companies linked to the family and The Beatles according to The Mirror, including the multimedia Apple Corps.

Apple Corps had reported assets of $36million last year, and Sean is also believed to be taking over at Lensolo, managing John's solo material, Maclen, which publishes John's work in the US, and Subafilms, a music film company.” [x]

You then have Stans like this claiming Yoko isn’t in charge of The Lennon Estate, so we should just stop being spiteful and blaming her for what’s going on with these copyright strikes and removal of these videos/recordings— which by first glance at any of these articles you might be inclined to be like, “Huh I guess you’re right,”

But...

“A spokesman sad: ‘Yoko continues to oversee John’s estate but has drafted in Sean as a director to assist where necessary.’” [x] [x] [x]

So... She still oversees The John Lennon Estate, even though she supposedly is retiring... Simply making Sean the director to assist when necessary. Basically, “UK paper The Mirror now reports Ono has handed most of her duties over to son Sean Ono Lennon.” and “ While Ono has not commented on his new roles he has been actively following the passing of what would have been his father’s 80th birthday on October 9.” 

She’s incorporating Sean into business matters, but it appears she is still overseeing everything and still in charge. 

Then you have this;

“Despite it being 40 years after the death of John Lennon, the singer's estate is still raking it in, much to the delight of Yoko Ono.

Last year, he was named the seventh top earning dead celebrity by Forbes, with an annual income of $14million.

The 50th anniversary of iconic album Abbey Road boosted sales and streams of The Beatles catalog, proving a healthy stream of income to the estate.

The Lennon estate also owns memorabilia. his art and a number of properties.

The income might be more if not for the legal wrangling over the ownership of The Beatles catalog, which was once owned by Michael Jackson and then by Sony.

Yoko has kept a steady hand on John's finances, amassing a reported $700million fortune off the back of his estate.

As a key shareholder in Apple Corps, she profited from his music sales and other ventures which featured The Beatles, such as Rock Band.

She also owns multimillion-dollar properties in Manhattan and hundreds of acres in Delaware County.

But in recent years, she has sold off a number of them, selling a West Village penthouse for $12million in 2013, and an Upper West Side building for $10million in 2017.

According to Companies House in the UK, Yoko was registered as a director in a number of companies including Apple Corps, Maclen, which publishes Lennon's songs in the US, Lensolo for his solo work, and Subafilms.

Yoko has also made money off her own artwork, which has sold for up to $50,000.” [x]

Make of all that what you will. 

What do we know? We know that Sean is now somewhat working behind the scenes of the John Lennon Estate, so this could be his doing since these copyright strikes and removal of demos and certain videos had just started happening this year— but as we’ve learned, we don’t even know the full extent of control/management Sean actually has, and if he even has the position to be calling the shots and making important, noticeable decisions. 

It appears, by the research I’ve put in and what I could find about this, that it would be Yoko who’s still in charge. Meaning, she’d be the main one behind greenlighting these copyright strikes/claims and getting the demos and certain videos removed/taken down.

I think you’re right in your thoughts, and being suspicious of the reasoning behind these copyright strikes and removals, especially when we start looking at which one’s are being hit. Why now has the Estate started copyright claiming all these demos and getting them removed? Even versions of this bloody video had been struck down as copyright, and removed— which I think is extremely suspicious, and just... unnecessary? Petty? Stupid??

We can’t say with 100% certainty of why The Lennon Estate is doing this now, why Yoko (and now Sean, to an unknown extent) has decided to start copyright claiming and striking down certain demos, and even videos/clips that involve John (we just love how easy it is to claim copyright on Youtube)— but it’s suspicious, and doesn’t help improve one’s perspective and impression of the John Lennon Estate, Yoko Ono, or Sean Lennon. 

[pregnant-javert]

fic writer review!

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

2. What's your grand total ao3 word count?

3. How many fandoms have you written for?

4. What is the first fandom you ever wrote for?

5. Is there a fandom you would like to write for but haven't yet?

6. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

7. Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?

8. Which of your fics has the angstiest ending?

9. Are any of your fics pure fluff?

10. Have any of your fics ended differently than you originally planned?

11. Do you write AUs?

12. Do you ever write smut?

13. Do you usually try to stick to canon?

14. What are your favorite tropes to utilize in your writing?

15. Have you ever received hateful comments on a fic?

16. What is the nicest comment you've received?

17. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

18. Have you ever co-written a fic?

19. What is your all-time favorite ship to write for?

20. Is there a WIP you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

21. What are your writing strengths?

22. What are your writing weaknesses?

23. Are there any of your early fics that you wish you could go back and change?

24. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

25. What is your favorite fic that you've written so far?

**Tag another writer if you want!**

I'm putting the answers under a cut because it is very long. :P

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

143 works, with three drafts O.o

2. What's your grand total ao3 word count?

295,376

3. How many fandoms have you written for?

Ten fandoms (Game of Thrones, Deadpool, Jurassic World, Anne with an E, Star Wars, Extraordinary You, The 100, Kakegurui, The Haunting of Bly Manor, and Snowpiercer)

4. What is the first fandom you ever wrote for?

Game of Thrones, in November 2018 :P

5. Is there a fandom you would like to write for but haven't yet?

I toyed with the idea of writing for Shadow and Bone a few months ago but never really went anywhere with it. (As much as I love the Darkling, lmao.)

6. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

when i need someone, it's always you and you are mine, i am yours (Kakegurui) are the top two at 338 and 221. People are still kudosing them for some reason. Then all three of my Daenerys/Sansa fics take the third, fourth and fifth spots :P

7. Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?

Yes, I respond to every comment I get. If people are gonna make an effort to comment, I want to reciprocate that since they're doing it to be nice :)

8. Which of your fics has the angstiest ending?

What defines angst? I guess it could be yoake OR dassen, because both Melanie and Alex die in those fics.

9. Are any of your fics pure fluff?

I'm not a huge fluff person, but I'd have to say the Melanie/Audrey/Alex christmas fic :P

10. Have any of your fics ended differently than you originally planned?

With ferrous liquid, I originally thought I wanted Zarah to leave Audrey completely as she was too resentful of Audrey's emotional burden. Then I realised that it was just too sad!! So they get back together.

11. Do you write AUs?

Only if it's canon divergence. I don't really enjoy writing college AUs or anything like that.

12. Do you ever write smut?

Yes. All the time. Used to hate writing smut, love it now.

13. Do you usually try to stick to canon?

Yes and no. Depends on the canon events. Most of the ships don't occur in canon anyway so it's difficult to stick to it :P

14. What are your favorite tropes to utilize in your writing?

Angst, hurt/comfort, violence. Anything that makes you feel sad :)

15. Have you ever received hateful comments on a fic?

Yes, very early on. Haven't gotten any in years but when I did, I just deleted them immediately. Who cares :P

16. What is the nicest comment you've received?

This comment from @olivish on humanity:

This is beautiful. I love it. The 'Of Mice and Men' reference is so on-point. I never gave Bob much thought, but you've really made him into a person in this fic, like, even as Bob himself is observing his own lack of humanity, the reader feels exactly the opposite. Like, the fact that he is still motivated by kindness is something of a miracle, isn't it? Also Wilford's MO of keeping his victims isolated from one another shines so clearly here. He's trained Bob not to interact with others. The deformities on his face and the sheer size of him go a long way to accomplishing this goal. Audrey is different, she's a person magnet, so the way to isolate her is to make others loathe her through envy. But that doesn't work on Bob, whose status on the train is assured and what he longs for most in the world is human connection. The more I think about it the more compelling it gets. Just wonderful work with a character I never paid much attention to.

17. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not entirely, but there have been some portions of other peoples' fics that look very similar to what I have written O.O

18. Have you ever co-written a fic?

No, but I hope to one day ahahaha

19. What is your all-time favorite ship to write for?

Well Melaudrey is up there because of the Memories™️ but honestly? Audrey/Zarah. There's so many aspects to their relationship in canon that are just so fun to explore :))))

20. Is there a WIP you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I'm trying to get through it, but probably mel and allie steal a train. I got some weird comments on it when the first chapter came out and it just tanked my motivation HARD (and they were pretty nitpicky comments, to be honest) Found it extremely difficult to keep going, even with an outline and a solid idea of where I wanted the story to go. Not to be self-pitying, but I was looking forward to writing it too :( I might continue with it, but it'll take months. Maybe during summer when I have more time to think about it?

21. What are your writing strengths?

I guess that I can get into the heads of the characters really well? I love doing this. I love dark and psychological fics where I can pick their brains apart O.o I'm also good at writing emotionally. So there's that.

22. What are your writing weaknesses?

I tend to over-rely on dialogue, and I REALLY struggle with just...not writing dialogue. I can't explain why, but I need the characters to talk so I can move the story forwards. :P I also struggle to end fics well. Suzanne Collins syndrome lmao

23. Are there any of your early fics that you wish you could go back and change?

As silly as this sounds, I wish I could go back and change certain aspects of tsukamu, the pregnant!Melanie crackfic. It's quite rushed in places and some of the timelines don't make sense (if it was Ben's kid, and she was in the research station for a month, there's no way Wilford could have imprisoned Melanie for nine months). Alas, I already published it in a book, so I can't change it now.

24. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

Ehhh it seems a bit iffy, have never done it before but like...I assume this means if a character is speaking in another language that the POV character doesn't understand? If so I'd just say '[character] said something in [language]' and leave it at that.

25. What is your favorite fic that you've written so far?

ownership. It's dark, it's angsty, there's medical stuff and also some comfort there as well. Chef's kiss :))

[alixanonymous]

How A Demon Commissions An Angel ~ A Daminette FanFic ~ Chapter 4: A Plan In Progress

From: DoWhatISay@email.com

To: Marinette.D.C.@email.com

Date: November 3, 2021 5:00 P.M.

Subject: I Accept Your Terms

Dear Ms. Dupain-Cheng,

I do not delude myself into thinking we will be able to magically solve each other’s problems but it does seem as though we both lack certain qualities the other does not. If you’re offering the chance for me to stay where I am, I would be a fool not to take it and I am not a fool. If I can also help fix your unfortunate situation, I will do so. 

Let me know where we go from here.

- Damian W.

From the phone of Marinette Dupain-Cheng:

The Ladyblog 

A Retraction Of An Earlier Article Nov 4 2021 

I’ve decided to take down an earlier article entitled “MDC Stole My Best Friend’s Designs!” following contact from the legal team of Jagged Stone. It was wrong of me to make accusations without proof and I will endeavor to provide evidence to back any claims I make on this blog in the future.

- Alya Cesaire, Creator of the Ladyblog

Chat Name: Aunt Penny

Aunt Penny: Are you sure you don’t want us to pursue any further action Marinette? That statement hardly seemed sincere and was not nearly sufficient considering all she’s claimed. We can help you know.

Me: It’s fine Aunt Penny. Anything else wouldn’t be worth the trouble. It’s not her fault anyway.

Aunt Penny: You know I don’t agree with that but okay, if you’re sure. Just remember the lawsuits have already been drafted.

Aunt Penny: By the way, Jagged’s suit was a real hit at the charity dinner. Not that we ever had a doubt. Have you been thinking about creating a new website?

Me: That’s great to hear. I’ll think about it, okay?

Aunt Penny: That’s good.

Chat Name: Alya

Alya: Girl, I know what you’re thinking but just because I had to post that statement doesn’t mean Lila’s lying. She just can’t release any proof because she wants to do the right thing and keep MDC’s identity a secret. She’s being the bigger person!

Me: She always is.

Alya: Don’t be like that! Please Marinette. Stop letting your jealousy cloud your judgement.

Chat Name: Uncle Jagged

Uncle Jagged: Pens told me that you dont want to sue i get it, lawsuits are totally not rock n’ roll but feeding that liar and her friends to fang is always an option!!!

Me: No, Uncle Jagged.

Uncle Jagged: fine…

Uncle Jagged: i got so much applause for your suit at the stuffy dinner btw.

Uncle Jagged: of course I told them all that my talented young niece made it.

Uncle Jagged: even had a billionaire’s son begging for a referral but dont worry i turned him down for you 

Me: What?! Why?!

Uncle Jagged: trust me, Mari, he was totally not rock n’ roll. not rock n’ roll at all! just rude

Chat Name: Adrien

Adrien: Hey Marinette, did you see the apology on the Ladyblog?

Me: You mean the retraction?

Adrien: Well, yes. 

Adrien: Look, Marinette, you’re not going to do anything else right? She took it down.

Me: She took it down because “she had no proof” not because she knows Lila lied. She’s still convinced even after Jagged’s legal team got involved although we both know the truth.

Adrien: I'm sorry.

Adrien: Even my father feels bad, he knows how much rumors like that could damage an artist’s reputation especially without proof.

Adrien: But he’s still convinced Lila’s someone I need to associate with and if you try to expose her again it’s going to be like every other time and I don’t want things to get worse for you.

Adrien: I’m sorry Mari.

Adrien: I just can’t help you while my father’s still on her side.

Google Search History: 

Gotham Charity Dinner 2021 Photos

Patricide but for uncles

What is it called when someone kills their uncle?

How to know if a friendship is toxic

From:Marinette.D.C.@email.com

To:DoWhatISay@email.com

Date:November 5, 2021  5:05 P.M.

Subject: The Plan

Hey Damian!

Sorry for the delay in responding. I don’t know if you saw but MDC had a bit of a problem to deal with yesterday. So here’s how I see it. Our plan has two parts: the commission for your brothers and then us trying to help each other out with our people problems.

For the commission: You already gave me the measurements which I’m trusting are up to standard since I’m not flying to America any time soon. Next I need to know exactly what you want me to make for each of your brothers: Grayson, Todd, and Drake, the measurements say are their names right? Then I need to know who you think wants a sweater and who wants a jacket and your ideas for the design. I’ll draw up some designs based on the information and send them to you for approval with an estimate of the cost. (Normally I’d also send a non-disclosure agreement beforehand too but considering how this all started I’m guessing you’re not going to give me your real name for the paperwork, are you?) After they’re approved I’ll need you to deposit half the sum in my account (Information attached) and I’ll use it to buy the materials.

If I can get all of this done in the next week or so, it should leave me about a month to finish the pieces before sending them out (An address will not be optional fyi). Sounds good??

For the other part of our plan: the way I could see it going is when one of us has a problem we could use the other person for sort of a different perspective. It’s like in those cartoons when the character has those two little people on their shoulders, do you know what I’m talking about? One’s good, the other’s bad and they’re both telling the person to do different things. Not that you’re bad I mean and not that I just assumed that of the two of us you’d be the bad one…  I’m not saying any of this right. I just mean it like I said before, I could learn a thing or time from someone who isn’t too concerned with pleasing everybody. (I didn’t mean that as an insult by the way. I actually find it kind of admirable.)

So, here’s an example of a situation I could use your opinion on: today I started to wonder if one of my friendships is no longer healthy anymore. I have this friend who is the only other person in our class that knows Lila’s lying. At first he convinced me that her lies weren’t hurting anybody and that as long as we both knew the truth then it didn’t matter what anybody else thought. Eventually, we both realized that that was no longer the case when she almost got me expelled, but by then she had convinced his father that I was a bad influence on him. So now he’s forced to play nice and keep her happy to please his father.

It’s hard because even though I know he knows she’s lying, he can’t tell anyone else so no one believes me when I try to tell them. Now she’s made good on her promise to turn everyone against me and so I have to deal with all her antics by myself while she stands by his side with the rest of the class. I know he’s in a bad position but it still doesn’t make me feel better when he texts me asking if I’m okay after  something happens while at the same time whenever we’re with other people, he keeps his distance so she doesn’t report him to his father.

I guess I’m just tired of trying to make him feel better all the time. However, whenever I think about ending our friendship, I feel guilty because it’s really not his fault. His father wouldn’t hesitate to pull him from school and then we couldn’t be friends anyway. I feel like a good friend would stick by his side. I don’t know. What do you think, Damian? 

I guess that’s just how I see this going then. I rant about whatever I’m having to deal with and you tell me if you agree with how I’m handling it and vice versa. You mention some type of incident with a classmate right? Do you want an outside opinion of that or has your family’s sufficed? Or is there anything else you could use some advice on? I guess we’re just making this up as we go. I mean I suppose there aren’t any rules about relationships that started with one person trying to blackmail the other, right? :P

Hope to hear from you soon! Love,

Marinette

P.S. If this is going to work, you can’t just ignore me when I call you out on being (for lack of a better word) snobbish, Mr. Postscript.

Hello, it’s me again. I just spent like an hour working on chapter nine so my headache’s making itself know again but I wanted to at least post a chapter today. Thank you to anyone who’s been reblogging, liking, or replying to these! It makes the unenjoyable task of reposting worth it! More chapters soon!

Master List

[winryofresembool]

Things We Lost in the Fire, ch 23

aka Caleo uni au

Fic summary: Calypso starts studying at a new university, but to her annoyance her new flatmate is a loud mouthed mechanic who also likes to sneak his dog in whenever. But as she learns to know him better, she realizes they might have more in common than what she first thought. Eventually, even the darkest secrets come out…

Chapter summary: Halloween chapter, part 1.

A/N: This is the first part of possibly a long-ish Halloween 'arc' that is to come. I have to warn you that I only have 1 more chapter as a draft version and the said chapter is a mess and has caused me a lot of insecurities so... I'm not entirely sure how long it will take me to work through the issues that chapter has. I still hope I will have something to post next Friday! Please be patient with me, I promise I have every intention to continue and finish this story.

Thanks for all the lovely comments the previous chapter got! You guys are the best :) And keep them coming because that is literally the best reward I can get :)

Words: 3200+

Genre: romance & hurt/comfort

Warnings: none

previous chapter / AO3

...

“Hey Sunshine, you ready?” Leo asked her flatmate one November Friday as he was pulling his winter coat on in the hallway.

“In a minute!” Calypso yelled from her room. “Just… One final touch up!”

Leo checked his watch. “Okay, as long as it’s really a minute! You know Argo II isn’t waiting!”

“You do know that Argo II doesn’t have feelings, right? It’s a car,” his non-understanding flatmate argued.

“You better hope he didn’t hear that!” Leo protested. “He may just not turn on at all if you claim such things.”

“Oh my gods, Leo. Sometimes I wonder if you care about your machines more than people.”

Leo didn’t respond to that. To himself he mumbled. “At least I know how to fix them. And can’t hurt them.”

The flatmates were getting ready to leave for Jason and Piper’s late Halloween party. Most of the members of their friend group had been busy doing their own things on the real Halloween weekend but they had decided that they’d still want to have a small gathering at Jason and Piper’s house on a later date. Percy and Annabeth would be there, as well as Jason’s sister Thalia, her ‘friend’ Reyna, and Jason’s friend and a distant relative Nico. To Calypso Leo had told, that he had only met Nico a couple of times, because apparently Nico was a bit of a lonely soul and he wandered around the country doing who knows what. That fall, though, he had apparently met someone who had managed to keep him rooted to his home, so Leo suspected that there was a possibility that Nico really would show up this time.

Leo snapped out of his thoughts when Calypso’s door was pulled open, revealing the girl in her costume. His mouth opened involuntarily as he took her in. She was wearing a white chiton like dress with golden decorations around the neckline and accessories that matched the theme. Those included a golden headband and a belt, a bracelet made of real flowers, strappy leather sandals and since her own hair was short now, she had gotten a caramel colored wig that she had braided to one side, reminding Leo a lot of the hairstyle Calypso had had when she had moved in. She smiled at Leo shyly. “Well, what do you think?” She asked, lifting the hem of her dress slightly to show it off better.

“You’re… you’re…” Leo felt the words escape him again. With frustration he wondered how one person could do that to him. Leo Valdez never ran out of words.

“Calypso?” she tried to guess what he had wanted to say.

‘What?” He asked with confusion, unable to follow Calypso’s track of thoughts. In his mind he had answered her question ‘prettier than greek goddesses’ but he realized too late that she had meant that she was dressed up like the Calypso from the Greek mythology. “Oh, now I got it. Must have sniffed too much machine oil or something…Anyway, I see you have some self irony, dressing as your name sake.”

“That was kind of the point, Valdez. A girl named Calypso who studies Greek mythology? People comment on my name so often that I decided it’s time to make it clear that yes, I’m aware of that coincidence.”

“Ooh, the great revenge,” Leo chuckled. Suddenly he noticed that Calypso had turned more serious, her hands fiddling with her purse.

“Really, though, what do you think of this? I made this dress and these bracelets myself. And my mum gave me this before we moved here,” she pointed at her headband. “Apparently it’s something that’s been running in our family; my grandma wore it in her wedding picture and so on…”

“Oh… Well… that’s cool,” Leo said, mentally cursing the ‘error’ message on his brain. “You did a good job. I mean… I once saw a painting of Calypso in the Indianapolis Museum of Art and I think you look nothing like her… in a good way!”

“Aww, thank you.” Calypso seemed happily surprised about Leo’s comment, and he swore the expression made her even cuter. He also wondered if he should have a doctor check his heart because it seemed to do funny things in her presence...

“You’re welcome?” he replied stupidly.

“So, where is your costume?” Calypso asked curiously, apparently only now paying attention to the fact that he indeed wasn’t wearing one yet. “I thought you said we’re in a hurry.”

“I can’t drive in mine, it’s difficult to see from under it,” Leo explained, returning to his room to get a huge sports bag where he had packed his creation a bit earlier. He had spent several days making it and he was kind of proud of the final result. Although, seeing Calypso now, for a moment he still wondered if he had made a mistake with his costume choice, but it was too late to change his mind now. “I’ll put it on when we get there.” He gestured towards the bag.

“Okay,” Calypso nodded while changing her shoes into more fall suitable ones. “I’m looking forward to seeing what you have come up with.”

“Good, because it will blow your mind,” Leo claimed.

“I will refrain from forming any opinions before I see it,” Calypso noted, putting her keys into her pocket. “Now, come on, mister Mysterious, I hear Argo II isn’t very patient.”

Leo secretly loved it when Calypso attempted to joke back, and he grinned at her as he held the door open so she could leave first.

“Let’s go then, Sunshine.”

…

The drive to Jason and Piper took about 20 minutes so Leo and Calypso had a lot of time to talk about whatever came to their minds. At first Calypso gave Leo pretty short answers and he got worried that something was wrong between them again, but eventually Leo got her curious about the guests at the party that she hadn’t met yet.

“The Hunters are traveling a lot because of their competitions so I haven’t met Thalia that often. She’s a little bit scary, though. She has this edgy look going on and I’ve heard she is super strong; she’d ninja throw me on the floor before I’d have time to say Festus if given a chance. I’m trying very hard not to give her any reasons to do that.”

“Ouch. She sounds like something else,” Calypso said.

“She is,” Leo confirmed, almost getting chills only thinking about her. “She can be nice if you get to her good side, though.”

“Is it just me or does someone have a crush?” Calypso asked teasingly.

“What? No!” Leo exclaimed, glancing at Calypso’s reaction briefly. “Alright, maybe I used to have but that was when I didn’t know what was the best for me. But that was a long time ago. Besides, she’s totally dating someone even though they won’t admit it.” ‘And I wish I was dating someone else as well’, he thought, but left that unsaid.

“Oh? Will I get to meet that person today?” Calypso asked with curiosity.

“I think you will. From what I know Reyna’s always with Thalia. They claim they are only best friends but Jason has told me that they are keeping a low profile because it’s forbidden inside their team to date their teammates.”

“That sounds like a basis for a tragic love story,” Calypso said while staring out of the window with a dreamy expression. “I don’t even know these people but as a hopeless romantic I hope they will find some solution.”

Leo thought Calypso was very cute when she talked like that “Yeah. I hope.”

“So, do you know this Reyna personally?” she asked then, distracting Leo from his thoughts.

“You could say that,” Leo answered, trying to focus on the road instead of the girl next to him. “The team visits Waystation regularly because Jo and Emmie used to coach them back in the day and as a fellow Spanish speaker Reyna has always paid special attention to me. I swear, sometimes she treats me like I was his little brother…”

“Aww, that’s kind of sweet in my opinion. What is this team you were talking about, though? Did you say Hunters?”

“Oh, yep. The Artemis’ Hunters, named after the Greek goddess Artemis, naturally. It’s an archery group… Hey, is everything alright?”

Leo couldn’t help but notice that Calypso had shifted uncomfortably on her seat and adjusted her seatbelt a bit looser around her shoulder when he had said the name.

“Yeah. Don’t worry. I just… used to know someone who was in the Hunters as well, so I was surprised they have some connections here, that’s all.” Calypso turned her head to stare out of the window, sending Leo signals that he should drop the topic. He decided to push it a little bit further, though.

“You did? But you said ‘was’. Is she not in it anymore?”

“No,” Calypso shook her head, but didn’t elaborate.

“OK.” Leo sighed. A few moments earlier Calypso had been smiling and teasing him about some old crush and now she was acting cold again. Clearly the Hunters were a painful topic for her, but Leo couldn’t figure out why. Had something happened to the person Calypso had known? And why did she have to be so secretive? Leo wanted so badly to be able to help her and understand her, but when she was not opening up, it was very hard to do anything about it.

“Any guesses about what my costume may be?” He decided to change the topic. That seemed to cheer his flatmate up a bit.

Calypso closed her eyes while thinking, a tiny smile forming on her face. “Hmmm, I imagine it’s probably something flashy. But knowing you it could also be your work coveralls and working boots. I know how much you love those, after all.”

“It’s flashy, alright,” Leo said, his grin returning back to his face. “I’ll give you another hint: it’s a character from one of my favorite TV shows or movies.”

“You have a lot of those,” Calypso reminded him. “Ooh, now I know!! You’re Dalek! That’s why you would have a hard time seeing from under the costume.”

“No,” Leo shook his head, “But now that you say that, that would’ve been cool! Why didn’t you give me that idea earlier?”

“Because you already had an awesome idea? Or that’s at least the impression I got,” Calypso reminded him.

“Well, yeah. I still like my current idea. Maybe next time I’ll make a Dalek.” Leo had a goofy smile on his face as he imagined building a Dalek costume from the scratch.

“Sounds like a plan. So, will you reveal to me what you will be this time?” Calypso asked.

“Nah, you’ll see soon. Good things are worth waiting for, right?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Calypso shrugged. “Although our opinions on what’s good tend to differ a bit based on our previous TV watching experiences.”

“Yeah, but that’s why it’s good we are flatmates. It’s good to broaden your horizons sometimes and learn about different things that other people like,” Leo pointed out.

“Maybe you’re right,” Calypso admitted. “But are you saying you have learned something from me? What could that be?”

“That olives taste bad? That sometimes Venusaur can be more useful than Charizard?”

“Not exactly what I was looking for, but I’ll take that.” Leo turned his head just enough to see a small smirk on Calypso’s face.

“I was just messing with you because I think you secretly like it,” Leo said with a grin. “But really, you have taught me a lot. That we shouldn’t let fears control the direction of our life. That Greek mythology is actually pretty fascinating even if tía Callida made it sound boring as hell, and we should all learn to understand different cultures better. And, you know? There’s no way we can know every single thing about someone else so we just need to learn to trust and give them a benefit of the doubt sometimes. And finally, I shouldn’t underestimate your Mario Kart skills.”

Calypso snorted at the last part. “Sometimes you do surprise me, Repair Boy. That was a good answer.”

“I can feel my reputation as the Bad Boy Supreme getting shattered to pieces. What about me, though? Have I taught you something?” Leo asked. If he was honest to himself, he didn’t want to know because what could he possibly teach to a smart girl like her?

“You taught me that chilis are evil and you should never eat them the way I did,” Calypso replied, and Leo was fully prepared for more teasing. But it never came.

“You have also shown me sometimes persistency can be a very good thing – otherwise we probably wouldn’t be friends now. We also shouldn’t judge a book by the cover – I’m just saying that when I first saw you I was kind of prejudiced… but since learning to know you better I realized I was wrong. And remember that time when Jo and Georgina were visiting us and you came home a bit late? Jo told me some stories about you before you arrived and that made me understand how far hard work can sometimes take us. You’ve come a long way… and while there are always things we can work on and improve, I think it’s important to be proud of the things we have already achieved, even when looking ahead.”

“Wow… those are some really nice things you just said there…” Leo stumbled to find the right words. Especially the last point had hit him hard because he had had a very hard time with his self esteem recently. He still didn’t know if he would be allowed to retake his lab test – and more importantly, if he was even capable of trying. That was just the tip of the iceberg; it definitely wouldn’t be the only time he would have to face his fear during his studies and later on in the work life, and he would eventually have to make the difficult decision whether it was worth going through. He did want to get over his fear, but with her own issues on her mind, he hadn’t wanted to ask her to help until the situation was better.

“Hey,” Calypso squeezed his knee gently and Leo was afraid he’d accidentally brake so fast they’d crash somewhere. Thankfully he managed to contain himself. “I know I nag and tease you sometimes, but I hope you know despite that I actually care about you and respect you for the things you do. I’m… glad you’re my flatmate.”

Leo was very thankful that it was dark in the car because he was positive that he was redder than a chili pepper. After swallowing hard, he managed to croak: “Yeah. Thanks. You’re pretty neat too.” “Pretty neat?” Calypso asked, cocking her eyebrow.

“Argh, sorry, you can’t expect a guy to be able to think straight after you tell them something like that!” Leo exclaimed. “But, uh, I mean, I think the same way. That it’s nice that you’re my flatmate.”

“Glad we have that established.” Calypso smiled at him. Again Leo wondered what it was about that smile that made his heart go crazy. He had had a couple of short term girlfriends before Calypso had moved in and even though he had liked them, there was something different about how Calypso made him feel. But now that Leo thought about it, he realized that for example Khione, his first girlfriend (who had turned out to be quite an ice queen in the end) had had a smile that had never quite reached her eyes and made him wonder what was truly going on in that head of hers. His second girlfriend, Echo, had been a sweet girl but something about her smile had said that she’d rather be free of relationship bonds. Leo thought that he had probably sensed that from pretty early on because it had been a smaller shock for him than his first break up. But Calypso’s smile? It made Leo want to see it over and over again, and instead of wanting something from him, it seemed to give him more energy. It made him feel restless, but in a positive way.

When Leo snapped out of his thoughts, he realized that Calypso was staring at him weirdly, as if he had been in his daze for a while.

“What?” he asked a bit nervously.

“You just completely missed my question,” Calypso stated, frowning a little.

Leo tried to shake his head to clear his mind a bit. “Sorry, I was just… remembering something. But what did you ask?”

“I asked if there’s any news from your professors about your studies. It’s been a while since you’ve said anything about that.”

Leo gulped. “Yeah. Right. Um, at the moment I’m continuing to attend the classes except the lab one. I guess I should ask the lab professor if he would still let me redo the test at some point. But the other problem is, I’m not sure if I can. You know, if I have it in me to get over my stupid fear.”

“It is not a stupid fear, Leo. You have your reasons. But I do believe that you can get over it. And I want to help you. We should start working on it soon, how about tomorrow or some time next week?”

“Tomorrow is fine to me.” Leo started tapping his fingers against the wheel, a sign of him feeling anxious about the topic. “I… really appreciate your help. Is there something I can do in return?”

“You already did!” Calypso said to his surprise.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Remember that flower shop you mentioned to me?” Calypso asked. “I guess I’ve been so busy this week that I forgot to mention this but it looks like I’m getting the job! The interview went well and the boss invited me to see how they make their flower arrangements and they even let me do this.” Calypso showed him her flower bracelet that had some small roses and several other flowers the names of which he didn’t know. “She will make her final decision on Monday but I might start working there already next week.”

“That’s awesome news! Congrats!” Leo said, genuinely happy for her.

“Thank you! And sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, it seems we have both been rather busy this week, I feel I’ve barely seen you…”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m glad I was useful for something! But look, that’s Jason and Piper’s place.” He nodded towards the building in front of them.

Leo looked from the corner of his eyes how Calypso would react to seeing the house. From what he knew Calypso hadn’t been there earlier; she and Piper had hung out more at their flat due to the closeness of the university. He wasn’t disappointed when he saw Calypso’s mouth open a bit.

“I know, pretty impressive.” Leo said.

“I have seen big houses before but this looks way nicer than the ones I know…” Calypso noted. Leo wanted to ask more about that but he knew that the friends were waiting so he decided to leave it for later. Once he had parked the car, some strange instinct told him to rest his hand on hers for a moment before he gestured to Calypso to step outside.

“After you.”

[adultswim2021]

Sealab 2021 #32: “Splitsville” | November 23, 2003 - 11:15 PM | S03E06

Debbie and Quinn break up, which causes everyone to go CRAZY! There is also a Battle of the Bands going on with Dr. Virjay and some other dudes. One of them is voiced by Dave Willis, which is always nice to hear. Well, dudes all hit on Debbie, and then she gets into a largely off-screen cat-fight where the dudes are like “SEXY CAT FIGHT YES” and they ‘bo out, and also Dr. Virjay’s band destroyed the nuclear reactor because they think it’s drugs and holy fuck is this a terrible episode.

This is also the first instance of Murphy-less Sealab to reach our television screens. Harry Goz has died. Long live Harry Goz. The episode actually appears in a much different order on DVD. This and one other episode exist as a bridge between premortem and postmortem Harry Goz Sealabs. That other episode is called Frozen Dinner. On DVD (which I assume is presented in production order) they appear before the episode where they introduce Capt. Murphy’s replacement, Tornado Shanks.

There’s a scene in this where Dr. Virjay and his band play Fishin’ Hole by Donnell Hubbard, which I’ve just learned is actually a BAND formed by Matt Maiellaro and Barry Mills. There is no man named Donnell Hubbard. Did I not put this together the last time this song was used (Legend of Baggy Pants)? I guess I didn’t, even though I credit the song to Matt. Anyway, this is the second time on the series that they basically stop the show to showcase this song. It’s a good song, arguably the best part of the episode. I wish they could’ve but a longer song in there, like MacArthur Park.

There were two things I liked: one, Stormy’s card to Debbie which reads “CHIN UP CUTIE” (INSIDE) “I THINK YOU’RE SAUCE-SOME!” and it’s a little picture of a dog with a bowl of spaghetti turned over it’s head. Funny! And then later Sparks says Debbie looks like a steak drizzled in slut-sauce. I don’t think I ever laughed at that line before in my life, but for some reason I appreciated the turn of phrase. It’s too bad the only two gags involve sauce. I guess I like-a-da-sauce (or juice, which is what the line actually is in the thing I’m referencing).

The catfight thing is kinda gross. It seems like an ironic joke, maybe, but I just picture Adam Reed getting a huge boner, beating off between drafts while attempting to get the scene cut down to a TV-14 rating. I guess I wish they either dropped it all together or just cast live-action pornography women to suddenly stand-in for the cartoon women and actually film a nice one that we can ALL beat off to, and not just Adam Reed. In fact, if a caption popped up saying ADAM REED IS NOT ALLOWED TO WATCH THIS during it, that’d be pretty good. So, live-action women slapping each others pussies and a MacArthur Park interlude is how I would fix this terrible episode.

MAIL BAG

It’s a mail bag party / who could ass for more

Kinda don't appreciate the disrespect for The Army Show> I know its your nature as someone who "hates the troops" but The Army Show was more than that. Sure if it lasted passed 9/11 it would have been significantly more reverent to the military but there was no danger of that happening because American audiences cannot take that much screentime of Posehn and a Higgins. They are simply too weird looking.

I watched it didn’t I. I mean... jeez!

Hey dude you mentioned Brian Posehn awhile back and I just wanted to let you know: Metal by numbers, 1-2-3. Follow these rules and you'll see. Cookie monster vocals or yell like a wookie. Metal by numbers, cookie-cookie-cookie. Metal by numbers, 1-2-3. This is the gay part with melody. Even a baby could do it, just give it a try. Sounds like Maiden or Metallica or Every Time I Die

Wow is this real

every episode of every adult swim original program reviewed by a middle-aged dipshit. go here if you wanna start at the start: graphic footage of a live birth of a piglet, not cute, covered in blood and worms

oh I just hate it. I simply detest it. You are worms

I've been wonder why you haven't updated since you posted a skeleton GIF for awhile and then I realized I was going to the wrong blog. Why did you post that skeleton GIF though? LOL!

Shout out to Simpsons Night, my other bad blog about bad shows. I posted it there because I wanted to, jackass

The other shoe has to drop on Eric Wareheim right. Tim knows this and has been doing more and more stuff without him every year while he is out on yachts with noted troublemaker Aziz. I just don't know if I can bear it. What if he tried to grope Whoopsie Goldberg.

I truly know nothing concrete except that he has a lot of sleezy sex and is a traditional horn dog. I mean, the sheer number this guy’s putting up makes one wonder what small percentage of those “sperm encounters” could be “100% lethal”. What I’m saying is that purely on a statistical level there’s a significant sporting chance that he has killed a woman with his dick. But, as long as she consented I can’t complain

[lauramkaye]

Invisible Writing: or, I’m Still Here!

So recently someone wrote me a really sweet and much appreciated feedback email. It really made my day, but one line of it kind of took me aback - they said something like “since you aren’t very active anymore” (or it might have been “since you aren’t posting much anymore” or something like that.)

And I was like... what? what are you talking about, I’m writing all the time? I mean, there were a few months when I didn’t do anything but work OT because of COVID but other than that??

And then I thought some more about what I’ve been working on recently and I realized what’s happened: I’ve been writing a ton, I just haven’t FINISHED much in a while, because all my stuff in progress is long.

I haven’t posted anything yet in 2020. I posted four things in 2019: 

A Little World Made Cunningly (just under 50,000 words, posted in chapters from November 2018 to February 2019) 

Love Vaster than Empires, Chapter 1 (just under 10,000 words, posted April 2019)

My Heart In Hiding, Chapter 13 (just under 25,000 words, posted September 2019)

Love of a Particular Kind (just under 60,000 words, posted in chapters from August 2019 to October 2019.)

So, I can see where it looks like I haven’t done anything for nearly a year! But that’s because most of what I’ve been writing is on novel or novella-length stories.

A brief digression about my personal philosophy of works in progress: in general, I don’t start posting a work until the first draft is finished. Then I post it either after beta and revisions are done (one-shots), or chapter by chapter as I finish beta and revisions for each chapter (multi-chaptered works.) The only exceptions to this are My Heart In Hiding  and Love Vaster Than Empires. My Heart In Hiding is plotted and outlined at a high level but it’s so long I’m posting it as a serialized novel; fine points in the story and in the outline change as I actually write the chapters and see how the high-level ideas work out in practice. Love Vaster Than Empires, like All Our Strength and All Our Sweetness before it, is more of a short story anthology than a single work, and I chose to publish those as chaptered works instead of single ones mostly for convenience. Pretty much anything else I write, I don’t start posting it until I know I have a complete draft done, because that way I know I’m more likely to be able to post chapters relatively regularly, since editing is generally a more predictable process for me than drafting.

Anyway, if you’ve been wondering if I’ve stopped writing fic or whatever (or just when I might post again), here is a list of the stuff I have going (this is only stuff that is both at least partially written and that I’m more or less actively working on currently. There’s more in various stages of planning.)

At the Turning of the Tide: Clint is a vampire. Phil doesn’t know. They are stupid in love and pining. Will they work something out? (I mean, I’m writing it, so duh, of course they will.) About 20K. First draft complete, currently in beta. Will probably be the first in a series because I have prequel and sequel ideas already. This will likely be the next thing I post.

Bonus snippet: He thought of it sometimes, of saying sure, I was an English longbowman and I died at Agincourt, but then I woke up again and a French swordsman kept me in thrall until I put an arrow through his heart and ran away. Or yeah, you guessed it, we’re pretty sure Nat’s immortal, there was this thing with Rasputin one time, my blood was involved, it was a whole big thing. 

Love Vaster Than Empires, Chapter 2: Phil gets Clint a Valentine’s Day surprise. (It is a surprise that Phil wears. Yes, a sexy surprise.) 10K and counting, currently being drafted. Probably next in the queue after the vamp story posts. Maybe 3/4 done.

Bonus snippet: “I’d honestly thought I had to choose,” he said. “That I was being greedy, hoping to find someone who could… fit, with all the different parts of my life. Did I really think that I could find a partner who could put up with the job and be compatible with my personality and who would also have complimentary sexual needs? I might as well wish for Captain America to rise from the bottom of the ocean and tell me he’s always dreamed of dating an older man with a ridiculous schedule and a closet full of sex toys.”

Rise the Same and Prove Mysterious: This is the modern fantasy AU novel where Phil is a dragon and Clint is a sorcerer, and they are charged with undergoing a year of magical rituals to form a permanent bond that will enable them to anchor a casting circle for SHIELD. Currently just under 30k, being drafted. I’m probably about 25% done with this one at most so it’ll be a while.

Bonus snippet: “Wow,” he said. “You’re really pretty as a dragon.” Then he realized what he’d just said. “I mean, um. Handsome? Um, deadly? Sorry, I didn’t mean to be insulting or anything.” Phil really was pretty, though, all sharp and gleam and sinuous grace, his scales a thousand subtle shades of black and gray and midnight blue, with an iridescent sheen on his wings like spilled oil. Clint kind of wanted to pet him.

Another one, from Phil’s POV: “I caught you a fish,” Phil blurted, holding it out. It didn’t seem like much, all of a sudden, not in the face of the cozy little nest—damn it, lair—that Clint had made while he was gone. He should have caught him a bighorn sheep, or a deer. Maybe a moose. Would Clint like a moose? He could go get one. Moose was a little tough, though. Better braised, and they didn’t really have any way to do that. “I mean, I can get you something else. If you don’t like it.”

And Still The Sun: this is actually the third story in the series that started with All Our Strength and All Our Sweetness. Unlike the first two, this is one long chaptered story, and it is the post-Avengers fix-it story for this universe, where instead of using Kree blood, Fury asks  Tony to consult and they wind up saving Phil using Extremis. Currently around 25k, but it’s going to be novel-length when it’s done because I have Ideas about how a Clint and Phil who were in a long-established, thriving kinky relationship would recover after the whole Loki/TAHITI thing.  Also featuring lots of Fury, Natasha, and Tony friendship stuff and SO MANY PHEELS.

Bonus Snippet: Clint stroked Phil’s torso through the thin cotton gown, feeling electrodes and wires and the bumps of his ribs. His throat ached at the evidence of how thin Phil had gotten, and his eyes stung. He turned his face into Phil’s side and breathed deep, because Phil smelled like… well, like someone who had been more or less killed and then cryogenically frozen for over a month and then nearly exploded from experimental nanobots, actually, but Clint knew what death smelled like, and Phil didn’t smell like death. Clint would take any amount of mad-science-hospital-char-stink over that.

[clevercatchphrase]

2020 Year Review~

2020. Pretty unique year, don’t you think? It’s the first year since 2002 to have only two different digits in it. After 2022, this won’t happen again until 2111. Yep. Absolutely nothing more interesting than that.

Anyway! It’s time I reflect on my 2020, look back on my yearly goals and rant about things that happened to me this year. I made a post like this last year, where I went over my 2019 goals and talked about what I accomplished and what I didn’t, and it’s only fitting I do the same again this year. Read more under the cut for a random stream of consciousness ramble!

So, first things first, let’s look at my 2019 goals;

Finish paying off that last student loan

Put more stuff on my redbubble

Illustrate my own fan fics

Sew at least one stuffed animal

Make an enamel pin

Read one new book a month

Write one page a day/Complete at least one new fan fic

Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make

Finish fully scripting Ghost Switch

Boost my patreon

 Paying Off My Last Student Loan: Going down the list, I am proud to say that I FINALLY paid off all my student loans! (and not a moment too soon. The last payment I made was literally days before the first quarantine rolled out). It took me roughly 4 years on my part-time paycheck to pay off all my loans, and once I finished, I had no money to my name (literally; I had less than 1k as emergency money in case of car troubles or health issues). Heck, I’m STILL living at home as a save up for a place of my own. Finally paying off all my student loans DID activate my secret 2020 new year’s resolution, which was to adopt a cat! I did this too, literally a week later! She is the best thing that’s happened to me this entire year and I love her so much and she is the snuggliest cuddle bug I’ve ever met. I’m so happy she’s in my life now~

Put More Stuff On My Redbubble: ah ha ha ha… I thought I did this, but then I went and checked, and it turns out-! I did not. I made art I intended to go on my redbubble, but haven’t put there yet. They are all drawings of some OCs from a game I want to make, but because I haven’t progressed on making the game this year, I never got around to putting more stuff related to it on my redbubble. At the time of writing, there are 7 days left in December, so I guess I could go and put it up on my redbubble right now, but without context on where the characters are from, there wouldn’t be much point, now would there?

 Illustrate My Own Fan Fics: Another goal that I was so stoked to actually do… and then just didn’t. Gee, I wonder why I couldn’t find the energy or motivation to do it this year? Truly a conundrum. (Hey, you know what? If Ghost Switch counts as a fan fiction in a visual form, then I am doing GREAT on this goal. 2.5 years in, 1 of ~4 arcs done, and still going steady~)

 Sew At Least One Stuffed Animal: Okay, I have a valid excuse for not doing this one. I even knew which stuffed animal I wanted to make, and had the pattern drawn out and everything, but I had no money for materials because I had just paid off my student loans. And then, by the time I did have enough money again, quarantine was in full effect and I couldn’t go out to the fabric store. I’m still trying my best to stay out of public places even if the rules are laxer now, because I don’t want to catch the plague even if everyone in my goddamn city thinks and acts like the problem is over already. Even if they’re all wearing masks, even if they’re staying 6 feet apart, I still don’t want to risk it. I will stay inside until health experts give the all clear, and when that day comes, then I will buy some fleece and make a plush.

 Make An Enamel Pin: I ACTUALLY DID THIS ONE. TWICE! Halfway through quarantine, I was feeling anxious and depressed about my job and how they were planning to have me work with the public despite climbing infection rates and positive covid cases. I didn’t quit then, but in a desperate move to try and become self-sufficient, I went to madebycooper and made two enamel pins based on some butterfly dragons I drew last year. They’re on my etsy store now! I even went out of my way to open a P.O. box just to start a small business! I haven’t sold a single pin yet, and I’m actually really nervous to sell my first because I don’t trust the efficiency of the postal system thanks to the actions of the GOP that really screwed them over this year! (If you would like to see my enamel pins, click here!)

 Read One Book A Month: I did this! With dragon books I bought a couple years back! In fact, I read FOURTEEN dragon books, and still have more books for next year to read! The 14 books I read this year were:

 The Hive Queen

The Poison Jungle

Wings Of Fire Legends: Dragonslayer

Dealing With Dragons

Searching For Dragons

Calling on Dragons

Talking to Dragons

The Bronze Dragon Codex

The Brass Dragon Codex

The Black Dragon Codex

The Red Dragon Codex

The Silver Dragon Codex

Dragon Strike, and

Hatching Magic

 To be honest, I had read The Red Dragon Codex years ago when it first came out, but completely forgotten what it was about. I remembered liking it, and I knew the reading level was on the lower side, but the whole dragon codex series was pretty good! So far, the Silver dragon codex was my favorite, and black dragon codex was probably the worst! Hatching Magic was also really slow and bad and had plot points that went nowhere, but the book was written in the 80s, so I don’t know what I expected. The Dealing with Dragons series was very charming and great for the most part, save for one line in the last book that really rubbed me the wrong way, and all the Wings of Fire Books go above and beyond in this third arc. The second legends book could be a little tighter, though (sky and wren are the best duo and I want a book solely about them, but I honest to god do not care about leaf and ivy’s stories.)

 Write one Page of any story every day/ complete at least one fic: I… did this? Okay, I kinda cheated near the end of the year. I was keeping up the one page a day thing for the first four months, but then the world went to shit and my schedule and habits got disrupted and I fell off my good track record. I completed 7 out of roughly 12 one-shots I had planned for this year (my goal WAS supposed to be one short a month, but… you know how it happens) I kept trying to catch up on this goal all year, but the days kept piling up…. Until November hit. I managed to write over 250 pages for Nanowrimo, and I consider this goal a win. 365 pages of fiction in total, which averages out to about one a day~. SHUT UP IT COUNTS.

 Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make: Another goal I didn’t have the mental energy to commit to this year. Truly a mystery to where all our willpower went in 2020.

 Fully Finish Scripting Ghost Switch: still haven’t done this one yet! The Snowdin arc is completely planned, but I just haven’t gotten around to getting the other areas. I’m not worried, though. I know all the major plot points I gotta hit, it’s just weaving them together in a way that flows nice is the final task. I’m not too worried though. I don’t expect to finish the Snowdin arc for another year and a half, at the bare minimum.

 And my last goal of 2020, Boost My Patreon. I did this at the beginning of the year, but then very intentionally stopped about a third of the way through. It didn’t sit right with me to tell you guys to donate to me when suddenly EVERYONE was financially strained from layoffs or being furloughed. I told my patrons the same, and if you ever need to stop donating to me to take care of yourself first, then by all means, please do. I would feel much better knowing you’re using your money to see yourself fed and housed instead of given to me (where it is pretty much only used to buy gas for my car, honestly)

 Welp! That was all my goals for 2020! I achieved 4 out of 10 goals plus 1 secret goal! Pretty much the same ratio as last year, but now this time I can blame all my failures on the pandemic! I don’t feel so bad about myself anymore~

 ON TO 2021!

 I have 11 goals for the new year, again some rolled over from this list, and some from even older years. They are, in no particular order;

 Read 12 new books (roughly 1 book a month)

Finish the first draft of 2019’s Nanowrimo project and rewrite it

Script TDV

Finish Scripting Ghost Switch

Build A Comic Buffer

Sew 1 Stuffed Animal

Finish 1 Song Comic

Make another Enamel Pin

Finish 2 short original comics (this one counts as 2 goals)

Finish the 5 remaining one-shot fics

 Now to go into depth on each one, more for my own sake, really. I want to know exactly what I have planned for each goal this year, and sometimes just looking at a short list doesn’t capture all the smaller details.

 1)Read 12 new books. Same as last year! I The only difference is I might not be able to make it all dragon-related books. (I try my hardest not to buy from amazon anymore, but half-price-books doesn’t always have the obscure stuff I’m looking for)

 2)Finish 2019’s nanowrimo project. If you read my 2019 year reflection, you’ll notice I said I wanted to do some original writing. And I did! The story I wrote for nanowrimo back then was a story I’ve been toying with since 2017, but it was only last year I finally got pen to paper. Now, you may find it odd that the keyword says “finish”. You may think, “but isn’t that what you’re supposed to do for nanowrimo?” and to that I say, WRONG! I wrote 50k words for nanowrimo, but the draft was only about halfway complete. I was kinda discouraged about what I had written last year, because I didn’t like how it was coming out, but I did manage to get it half done. Now it’s time for me to bite the bullet and just finish the thing so I can finally revise it and make it into something I DO like. (It’s still gonna be hella long, tho. That’s what I get for trying to write an epic fantasy, I guess.)

 3)Script TDV. TDV is the abbreviation of the game I want to make. I… still need to do so much for this project OTL… In addition to getting the story solidified, I still need to draw art and game assets, and learn how to code for it, both of which are no small task. I keep having some sort of new year’s goal related to this on my list, and every year I just don’t hit this one. Will 2021 be different?

 4)Finish Scripting Ghost Switch. (Or at the very least, get the waterfall arc completely written out). I have a plan to break this down into simpler steps, by focusing on just one arc for a month or two. Every major arc has 2 to 3 parts, broken up by flashbacks, and if I can just finish one section a month, then I should have the entire thing scripted by the end of the year. It’s not a difficult pace, but seeing if I stick with it will be the real challenge, as it is will all my goals it seems.

 5)Build a Comic Buffer: I’m actually working on this one right now! Since I paid off my last loan and got a new job this year, my current Patreon goals are kind of out of date. They had all been centered around me paying off that last loan, and working towards full-time employment, but those are both completed now! So instead, I would love to get to a place where my patrons could read pages at least a week ahead, and to do that, I need to build a buffer. And since I’m working 5 full days a week now, I can’t afford to fall behind. But you can’t fall behind if you constantly stay ahead! I would like to have… a 10 to 12 page buffer. That’s roughly 3 months’ worth of pages to always have on hand in case I get swamped with work, or something. Right now I currently have a buffer of 3, which will cover me for half a January, which is better than not having anything at all, but still not the best. (ultimately, I would love to have a buffer so big, I could queue them up for the whole year. Wouldn’t that be something?)

 6) Sew one stuffed animal: same as last year. ASSUMING the plague gets under control in 2021, I don’t expect to get to this goal until the summer at the earliest.

 7)Finish 1 song comic: I have 7 song comics planned. One is a gift, one possibly for wandersong, one is a collab that’s currently in the works, but I’m waiting on a friend to do their part before I can continue mine, 2 are UT related, and 2 (well, technically 3, but one is the collab) are KH related. It’s one of the UT ones that will probably get finished, if I’m being honest. It’s completely story boarded, and now I just need to ink and color it. I would like to get it done for UT’s 6th birthday, since I made a song comic on the fly for the anniversary this year, and it was fun, and I’d like to do it again! So, look forward to that next september~

 8) Make another enamel pin: I have a dolphin design I’d like to make because dolphins are cute, if not little murder machines. (need to save up some expendable income first, tho. THESE THINGS AIN’T CHEAP TO MAKE.)

 9 and 10) start and finish 2 original short comics: I’ve got some comic ideas I want to do, but I need to get them written out first. I don’t think either would be too long. Each maybe a couple “episode’s” length, if envisioned on a website like webtoons or tapas. They’d both be heavy in allegory, but not overly drawn out (hopefully)

 11)And lastly, Finish the 5 remaining one-shots I had planned for this year but never got around to. I’m going to try to write one every other month. Pure self-indulgent shipping fluff. If I finish these 5, then maybe I’ll ask other people for more prompts and ideas, which I’ve never done before. We’ll see how it goes~

 Also, Like last year, I’d like to look at everything that’s happened to me this year, though to be honest, I’m not sure how much I remember/how accurate it’ll be. God, I don’t even remember what January was like. Who was I back then? Who were we all back then? I guess I’ll start my yearly retrospective in march because, heh, god we ALL know what started happening in march.

 Firstly, I paid off my last student loan! Then a week later on March 18th, I drove half an hour out of my city to adopt a cat and I love her and it was the best day of this year for me. Spring break is just beginning this weekend, but the attendance at the zoo is shockingly low this year. Apparently, a lot of people watch the news, and they’re all taking precautions about social distancing. I wasn’t too disappointed. Fewer people at the zoo, the easier my job is for me. I was looking forward to getting some free overtime on spring break, since I’m broke after paying off that loan, and I’m a cat parent now and have a furry child to feed. Monday rolls around. My manager calls me and tells me that the zoo is going into lockdown until further notice. I worry for the birds I take care of, but understand it’s for everyone’s safety.

 For two months I sleep in and watch way too much YouTube. I join a couple writing discords. I have nightmares about my birds escaping their enclosure and I dreamed one of the security guards I really like at the zoo gets covid and has to go to the ER. I woke up really upset.

 I started and finished BBS for the first time. I also replayed and finished KH2 final mix for the first time. It had been about 5 years since I last played KH2 before my PS2 died, and it was like coming home~ I also finished tearaway, and played and beat Ryme for a second time (which I can’t remember if I did that last year, but it was a fun experience regardless)

 Mid-June, and I’m allowed to start going back to work, be it on reduced hours. The zoo is still closed to the public, but I’m loving it! I get to work with full-time keepers and do full-time keeper things. It’s so much fun not having to deal with the public. August starts to creep up and there’s a rumor that the zoo will be opening to the public again, which I’m not stoked about. I don’t want to go back to standing in one exhibit all day, talking to guests who don’t listen to the rules or to me. 2 of my younger coworkers (who had both only been there a couple of months) get chosen for full-time positions, while I get passed up which really pisses me off. My other 2 coworkers quit when they think we might be reopening because they cannot risk catching the virus due to at-risk family. I am now the last keeper in the interactive bird exhibit.

 I keep working, the zoo slowly opens, but with me as the only interpreter in our interactive bird exhibit, we can’t open because I can’t run the entire exhibit by myself. So my exhibit stays closed. September comes and goes, and then October starts. Now there is more serious talk of opening my exhibit before the end of the year because the zoo expects to bring in larger crowds for the Christmas lights event in November/December. I ask if I get hazard pay or health insurance since I’m doing full-time hours until they hire more staff. They say no.

 I immediately start searching for a new job feeling incredibly indignant/hurt/slighted/insulted/used/abused/ALL the negative feelings at my job. I had been there for 4 years, but never got a chance to work full time, while the two newest hires who had only been there 2 months both got moved up. I can’t help but feel they were holding one mistake I made two years ago against me and never wanted to give me a chance. (that, or they knew I was reliable when it came to showing up for work in such a volatile position that sees a lot of new faces, and they didn’t want to bother going through the process of hiring someone new) I don’t want to risk my life working around guests who don’t wash their hands and don’t properly distance. I don’t want to gamble with my health when they won’t offer me health insurance because I’m part time.

 Mid October, I get an interview for a full time job and get hired on the spot. I peace out at the zoo 2 weeks later, literally 3 days before they planned to open my exhibit to the public. It was a close call for me to escape before they opened to the public (and pettiness was only partially the reason I dipped out so close to opening). Sorry new hires who are now in charge of the bird feeding exhibit. I taught you the best I could in the short time I had. If the managers are struggling with what to do with one less person, I can’t say I feel bad. I can only hope they delayed opening/closed you down again for your own safety. You are not lightbulbs. I really hope the higher ups stop considering you as replaceable as one. Will I go back to the zoo to visit? Probably. But not for a year at least.

 I started my new job the very next day after I quit the zoo, and have been there ever since, (which isn’t that long yet, tbh. Christmas day was my 2 month anniversary). It’s full time, but it’s also a small business, and everyone’s hours this year have been on the short side due to the plague. I understand, though. They don’t want us to work if they can’t afford to pay us. Everyone is nice enough, though some people smoke and it’s hard to avoid them with how frequently we have to go in and out, and I really don’t want to get lung cancer, sorry not sorry, please and thank you. Also, with such a small team, gossip is certainly harder to go undetected, so it’s a relief knowing people don’t talk behind one another’s backs.

 I participated and beat my 4th nanowrimo in a row, I made TWO apple crisps on thanksgiving, and made baklava on Christmas and both of these recipes were my first time making them, and they both came out adequately! I voted the first day of early voting, and I did an art trade/collab with two of my friends for my birthday! (normally we would have done monthly “art days” where we get together and do art projects for fun because we’re adults and we can spend our time together however we want, but the plague said otherwise this year) We drew pokemon and it was fun! (hopefully I can show you all the results soon. At the time of writing, I’m still waiting for the last two colored parts to get back to me)

 I reached 100 pages on my undertale comic, and finish the first arc out of…! (im not sure. It’s either going to be 4 or 5, I haven’t decided yet)

 Over all, I managed to stay healthy as far as I know. I wasn’t as productive as I wanted to be this year, but then again, who was? (don’t answer that. I don’t need that kind of comparison in my life right now)

 Will 2021be any better? Honestly? I don’t think so. Not right away, at least. Just because a new year is about to start does not mean the slate is completely wiped clean. The change of the calendar year doesn’t magically make all our current problems disappear. Covid will still be here and cases will still climb when January starts. Small business will still be strained when the month rolls over, police will still go on murdering innocent civilians and getting away scot free, amazon and disney will still be monopolizing all consumer goods and media, and I can’t help but feel like there’s an impending shit show about to go down on inauguration day. I do hope things will get better, though. It’ll be arduous and unpleasant, but I do hope things will improve, because sometimes hoping is all you can do.

 Good night.

[the-last-airbadger]

My 2020

Hey y’all. So 2020 happened. That was a thing. Apparently. I know for a lot of people this year was uhm… pretty shit… but it was still a year that happened so it’s time for my annual reflection post (probably the only time I still post about myself on tumblr lol) and maybe we might even find some good things that happened this year!

 The Beginning of 2020 vs Now

So, a lot has changed since the start of the year. A pandemic happened, for one. I can’t believe that a year ago I could still go to class every day and see my friends and now I’m pretty much stuck at home every day. The year started out pretty normal and then march happened and well, you all know what happened next. The worst part about the pandemic for me personally was probably the fact that I barely see my friends anymore and I can’t go to class every day. Some people may not think that not going to class is that bad, but I really enjoyed university more than I ever enjoyed school and I was really happy going there every day, and I was already sad I’d only have 4 to 5 years to spend there, so when that period got even shorter it made me kinda sad.

On the other hand, I do think that mentally I’m in a much better place than I was last year around this time. Being home this much really gave me time to reflect and work on my issues, and because my sister was stuck in our house for a couple of weeks I got to talk to her a lot which really helped me feel better. I think in general my entire family (my brother, sister and mom) have become a lot more open with each other which I think is great! I guess quarantine can have some benefits.

 The Best Things about 2020

Okay, here’s is where we’re going to get even more positive and go over all the good things that happened (to me) this year! To be honest, most of the year was a bit of a blur so I probably will forget quite a bit, but I’m going to give this a try anyway. At the start of the year (when things were still normal) I was super excited to get into the next semester, as the one before had,,, kinda sucked, and those 6 weeks of class I had at the start of the year were really great. I remember me and my friends having a competition of who could get mentioned the most in our teacher’s powerpoint presentation so those classes were always interesting. I also finally got to dye my hair for the first time with the help of my friends. I’ve been wanting to do that for so long, and I’m so happy I finally got to do it! I even know how to do it myself now, and my hair hasn’t been brown since the start of march! Then, at the start of march, my dad and stepmother moved away and I permanently moved in with my mom. Before, I used to live with both my mom and my dad and I got really really sick of switching houses every week, so to finally live in one house and have all my stuff in one place was a bit of a relief to me, and I’m still really happy with it. After that, things become a bit blurry. I remember that at the start of quarantine in … April? I watched Sex Education or the first time, which is now not only one of my favourite shows ever, but also taught me a lot and helped me with some of the issues I was dealing with. We’ll skip over the subsequent sexuality crisis I had (I think I might actually be straight??), and skip straight to the summer, when I started watching I-Land. I watched every episode as it aired live, and because of this show my Fridays really became the highlight of the week. I don’t think I’ve ever been so invested in a survival show XD. The rest of the year was mostly just me spending time with myself. It got a bit lonely sometimes, but I also don’t think I’ve ever written as much as I have this year, and my drawing has significantly improved (if I may say so myself)! Especially towards the end of the year, when I started making a planning every day to prevent myself from wasting away all my time on youtube, I got super productive, and I wrote a lot, and made a lot of art, and I really felt good. I even started (gasp) working out. Yeah I know. Shocking right.

There was also a lot of good music that was released this year, and, to close this section on a great note, through one of my classes I finally found a group of friends to play D&D with! We haven’t actually played yet, but we will, and I’m so excited to play the game and get to know these people more! They all seem really kind!

 My Resolutions for 2020?

Now, here’s the part where we check whether I actually reached all the goals I set myself for 2020. As usual, I have no idea what my resolutions were, so I honestly have no idea how I did. Let’s see, shall we?

Express my feelings more (as in I get really awkward in any sappy or mushy situation but I would like to be able to tell people I appreciate them without cringing) – UHM way to attack me on the very first resolution jeez. I did get more open with my family but I still can’t tell people I care about them without cringing so this is a fail lol

Again, learn to depend less on other people’s opinion and trust my own – I’ve been working on it, I think I’ve gotten a bit better? So win?

Get my sleeping schedule back on track – did that! It’s a bit whacky again now because of the holidays, but October and November were a big success regarding this resolution

WRITE MORE. This time I’ll make some concrete goals: Either I’ll get my story’s first draft done, or I’ll write 100 pages on a single project – okay, so here’s the thing. I don’t think I did any of these particular things, however this time I am 100% sure I wrote a lot more than the past years. I cannot count all the files and pages and notes I have now, but I wrote a lot, so I’m counting this as a win

I want to try NaNoWriMo (not necessarily in November, but at some point) – yeah, didn’t do that oops

I want to read a lot again but maybe not as much as this year because I want to focus on writing too. 40 books? – 49 books babey

Read all my current unread books (Aru Shah 2, Skullduggery Pleasant 9, Gemina, The Mistborn Trilogy and Call Down The Hawk) and finish my reread of Heroes of Olympus and the Raven Cycle) – Did all of these except Skullduggery Pleasant 9 (the start was so boring I decided not to read it all) and The Mistborn Trilogy (I am about halfway through the first book I think?) so I’m counting this as half a win

Finally read a book by V.E. Schwab (I’ve been wanting to try one of her books for ages) – Did that! Read a whole trilogy. It was good but not as great as I expected them to be. I think my expectations were too high though

Finish Playing Twilight Princess (I promised my brother) – Did that! I’m really proud of myself and so is my brother

Go. Swimming. Seriously. It’s scandalous that I still haven’t done that after waiting so long to be able to – IT’S BEEN 5 YEARS SINCE I LAST WENT SWIMMING WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I did buy new swimshorts but I still haven’t actually used them… shame on me

Try to worry less about school and not overwork myself – kinda?

Maybe try another drawing challenge somewhere this summer? I haven’t done any of those in a while and I feel like my art needs more attention – okay, so I didn’t do that, but I did at the start of the year make the resolution to make portrait/photoshoot-like drawings for my 8 main oc’s, and I did actually manage to finish that, and they are some of the best drawings I’ve ever made, so though I haven’t actually done a challenge specifically, I did do something

I want to try a 24 hour readathon – Yeah, didn’t do that oops

I kinda want to learn a piano piece as well, but I already have so many hobbies I want to focus on so I don’t know if I’ll have the time ☹ – yeah my dad sold our piano so… fail XD

 Expectations for 2021

Now, after last year I think it’s safe to say we can never really know what to expect. But! I’m going to guess anyway because it’ll be really fun to see next year whether I got anything right.

The first thing that I think will probably happen this year (if I don’t majorly mess anything up) is I’ll be writing my thesis next semester, and then in the summer I’ll get my bachelor’s degree. Honestly I can’t believe how fricking fast those 3 years went, but I guess I’ll just have to roll with it lol. Corona vaccinations will also probably start happening next year, and hopefully this will mean that going outside and seeing my friends will be possible again next year – at least a lot more than it was this year. I hope 2021 will be the year of hanging out with friends and getting to live a little again. Maybe even get to go to class. That would be great.

On to more minor – but no less exciting – things, 2021 will probably bring us a new season of Sex Education! I’m sooo excited for that holy shit. And, in a similar vein, I have high hopes for kpop releases now that SHINee is finally back, and it looks like Haseul is also returning to LOONA! 2021 will also be the year in which ENHYPEN makes their first comeback, and some of the other I-LAND contestants will also make their debut, and there might even be a new season of I-LAND as well in the summer? So there’s a lot of things to look forward to. Oh, and I almost forgot, Dan Howell’s book will be released in May, and there will be a new Grishaverse book, and the Shadow and Bone show will start airing, which I am really curious about. Again, lots of things to look forward to!

 2021 Resolutions

I’m not feeling as ambitious as I was last year, but there are a couple of things I want to try and do, so let’s jump into the resolutions!

I just came up with this today, but I think I want to try and build a bit of a skincare routine? The skin on my nose is kinda flakey, and I think it couldn’t hurt to try and take better care of my skin

Keep up with my daily workouts. I want to work out every day, except when I’m at my dad’s or when it’s a special day, like Christmas or something.

Be able to do either 50 push-ups on my knees, 25 normal push-ups, or both

GO SWIMMING

Keep up with planning daily! It’s a really good way to balance all of my 3195 hobbies and it helps me to not get stressed about school

Write (almost) every day. I need to make it a habit

Draw at least once a week, every other day if possible

Go outside at least once a week. That doesn’t seem very hard but with corona I did not realise how little I go outside if I am not forced to. Sometimes I spend 3 weeks without going out and I don’t even notice it. That can’t be good for me lol

Try to make healthier food choices. Maybe follow the lunch meal plan of the guy whose workout videos I follow.

Get my bachelor’s degree

Grow a beard. I’m getting closer… I know I’m getting closer…

Meet with my frIENDS and give them the alBUMS I have for them

Be more careful with my money, maybe even save a bit of money

Spend less time on social media

Read more educational books

I think that’s it! I can’t think of anything else right now so these will have to do. I wish that 2021 will treat all of you much better than whatever mess 2020 was! Happy 2021!

Last year’s post: (x)

@the-official-pentacorn @asiandutchgirl