#the double standards are nauseating

[counterpunches]

source

[transcript: [slide 1]

we are treated differently and we are so tired

[slide 2] From day one, we were treated differently: the celebrations

Hamas is an internationally-recognized terrorist organization that is explicit in its aim to annihilate Israel and the Jewish people in its very foundational charter. On October 7, 2023, thousands of Hamas terrorists invaded internationally-recognized sovereign Israeli territory and slaughtered 1,200 people in a matter of hours, the majority of them civilians. They went door to door, pulling people from their beds, maiming, mutilating, beheading, raping, and burning entire families alive. About 80 of the corpses showed signs of torture. They also took over 200 people hostage, including Holocaust survivors and a 9-month-old. It was the largest massacre of Jews since the Holocaust. Israel is a small country; had October 7 happened in the US, it would be the equivalent of individually slaughtering 50,000 Americans in a matter of hours.

Instead of expressing outrage, there were worldwide celebrations. In the West Bank, Gaza, and elsewhere in the Arab world, candy was handed out on the streets in celebration. In Gaza, thousands gathered to cheer as terrorists paraded mutilated corpses. A group of 3000 United Nations teachers expressed their joy at the murder and mutilation of Israelis, including young children. All over left-wing social media, people celebrated.

On October 8, before any Israeli retaliation whatsoever, crowds of thousands gathered in Times Square to express their support for the murderers, holding signs that declared "decolonization is not a metaphor" and "by any means necessary".

Fringe extremists exist, but this was hardly the fringe. And we know this is not a normal reaction. We did not see entire protests in Times Square in support of the Russian slaughter of Ukranians, 9/11, the ISIS genocide of Yazidis, the slaughter of Yemenis, the slaughter of Syrians, or any other atrocity.

[slide 3] From Day one, we were treated differently: the contextualization and qualification

Secretary General of the United Nations Anthony Guterres' initial response to the October 7 massacre was the following: "It is important to also recognize the attacks by Hamas did not happen in a vacuum."

First, let me make one thing clear: there is no context, in international law or anywhere else, that justifies or minimizes the slaughter, torture, and rape of civilians, including women, children, those with disabilities, and the elderly.

But beyond that, there is a glaring double standard when Israel is the victim of a massacre. Let's take a look at another example of terrorism as a guideline. When ISIS bombed an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester, England on May 22, 2017, killing 22, Secretary General Guterres immediately "strongly condemned" the attack, and the Security Council released a statement, condemning "in the strongest terms the barbaric and cowardly terrorist attack" and extending its solidarity to the United Kingdom. No one said the attack had to be understood "in the context" of the UKs invasion of Iraq, the war against ISIS, or the UKs long history of colonialism in the region, and no one said that it did not happen in a vacuum.

Similarly, on October 7, millions of people rushed to social media to provide "context" for the cold-blooded, purposeful, and indiscriminate murder of civilians. Others, before their "condemnation" felt the need to clarify that they were not supporters of the Israeli government (okay, and?), when they've otherwise strongly condemned atrocities perpetrated on others, without feeling the need to qualify support (or lack thereof) for any other country's government.

[slide 4] From day one, we were treated differently: the victim blaming

On October 7, as the massacre was still unfolding, 31 Harvard University organizations released a statement holding Israel "entirely responsible" for the slaughter of its own citizens. I reiterate: as Israelis were still being slaughtered by the hundreds simply for being Jewish - or for being associated with Jews - we were told that our own slaughter was our fault.

They were not the only ones to do so. Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Syria, Iran, and Iraq blamed Israel for the October 7 slaughter. Black Lives Matter Chicago blamed Israel for the October 7 slaughter. Labor unions across the US blamed Israel for the October 7 slaughter. The list goes on.

After the Israeli newspaper Haaretz published an article in which one anonymous police officer said that the police is looking into the possibility that some of the victims of the Nova music festival were killed by fire from an IDF military chopper, antisemites took the statement out of context, distorted it, and disseminated it all over the media and internet.

In response to the Haaretz article, the Israeli police put out a statement that the investigation was only in regard to police activities on October 7, not military activities, and that as such, they do not have any indication about the harm to any civilians due to any aerial activity there."

Regardless, the conspiracy has taken a life of its own, so much so that Palestinian Authority president Mahmoud Abbas accused Israel of carrying out the massacre. Abbas later retracted his statement. A few other unverified reports have also similarly taken out of context to "prove" that Israel was actually behind its own massacre.

To this day, we are told, in response to released hostage testimony that Israeli women are being raped in the Hamas tunnels, that it's justified because "they were soldiers." For what it's worth, no one's rape is justified - even when they're soldiers.

[slide 5] A few days later came the denial

The 10/7 massacre was live-streamed by the perpetrators on their own social media platforms.

Initially, antisemites celebrated. After more and more heinous, indefensible details started to come out, antisemites started denying it happened at all.

To reiterate: the massacre was live-streamed to social media - by the perpetrators. We all saw it in the early hours of October 7. The perpetrators have gone on to boast about it since. For example, on January 10, the leader of the Hamas political bureau, Ismail Haniyeh, said, "We should hold on to the victory that took place on October 7 and build upon it."

The level of denial - just a few days after October 7 - is so pervasive that Israel had to compile a 47-minute film of footage with the most graphic, dehumanizing video evidence to screen for international reporters, government officials, and more.

But no amount of evidence seems to be enough. No independent investigators are enough. No video footage is enough. No survivor or eyewitness testimony is enough. Why are people denying what's before their very eyes? Why?

[slide 6] Then the one-sided demands.

From October 7, there were already demands on Israel - on Israel, as its civilians were massacred - to ceasefire. These demands came from important voices, including American Congresspeople, groups such as UNICEF, and more. These calls made little, if any, mention of Hamas, the perpetrator of the October 7 massacre.

No other country would be asked, as a slaughter of their people was still unfolding, to lay down their arms.

Since then, the calls for Israel - and only Israel - to ceasefire have been incessant. They have continued even as Hamas vowed, on October 24, that "there will be a second, a third, a fourth" October 7. When asked to clarify, in the same interview, whether they meant the complete annihilation of Israel, the senior Hamas official responded, "Yes, of course."

The calls for Israel to ceasefire continued as Yaha Sinwar, the architect of the October 7 massacre, promised on November 30 that "October 7 was just a rehearsal."

The calls for Israel to ceasefire continued as Hamas violated the terms of the temporary ceasefire every single day between November 24 and December 1.

The calls for Israel to ceasefire as Hamas has fired over 13,000 missiles at Israeli civilians. Even more infuriating, the calls for a ceasefire are often made hand in hand with calls to "globalize the Intifada." An intifada is an armed uprising; it's incompatible with a ceasefire.

The calls for Israel to ceasefire have continued as Hamas has rejected several ceasefires in the past several weeks. At this point, those calling for a ceasefire should be honest: what they care is that Israel ceases, but they are not particularly bothered (or even support) when Hamas fires.

[slide 7] The genocide accusations

There are 153 countries that have signed the Convention of 1948. Before this January, only two had ever been brought to trial before the International Court of Justice. Of the signatories, a number of them have been accused of genocidal acts after signing the Convention, including Azerbaijan, China, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Ethiopia, Palestine, Sudan, Syria, and more.

Only Israel, however, is put on trial, which is all the more egregious when we consider that the events post-October 7 are in response to a massacre of Israelis that Genocide Watch classified as "an act of genocide."

What's even more egregious is that South Africa, which has brought this case before the ICJ, maintains close relationships with genocidal dictators, including Russia's Vladimir Putin and Sudan's Omar al-Bashir. It is a close ally of the Islamic Republic of Iran, Hamas' patron, which has been brutally oppressing the people of Iran since 1979. South Africa even hosted Hamas officials for a "solidarity" event in December 2023 - two months after the October 7 massacre.

Per the Hamas Ministry of Health, 23,000 Palestinians have been killed in Gaza; Israel claims at least 9,000 of them are Hamas combatants. While any civilian death is tragic, there are far deadlier wars and atrocities happening around the globe right at this very second. In Yemen, nearly 400,000 have been killed and a million have died in a famine. In Syria, over 600,000 have been killed. In the Democratic Republic of the Congo, 6 million have been killed. In Ukraine, at least 100,000 have been killed. The list goes on and on. In many of these cases, the perpetrators of the atrocities - some of them South Africa's closest allies - have explicitly expressed genocidal intent. Yet South Africa hasn't found it necessary to bring them before the International Court of Justice. Only the Jewish state.

[slide 8] Feminist advocates are suddenly silent - or worse, accuse us of lying

Perhaps among the most infuriating responses to the October 7 massacre has been the response of so-called feminists and feminist organizations.

On October 7, and every day since, Hamas weaponized rape as a tool of war, which is not only a war crime, but a crime against humanity. There is a preponderance of evidence, including extensive forensic evidence, eyewitness testimony, perpetrator confessions, and survivor testimony.

Yet the Women's March has not condemned Hamas' weaponization of rape as a tool of war; instead, it has only called for a ceasefire. Me Too has not condemned Hamas' weaponization as a tool of war. UN Women did not condemn Hamas' massacre until December 2, nearly two months after October 7, after intense public pressure from Israelis and the Jewish community.

Angelina Jolie, perhaps the most vocal global activist against the weaponization of rape as a tool of war, has said absolutely nothing about Hamas' war crimes; instead, she has asked Israel to ceasefire.

[slide 9] Double standard: legitimacy

Israel is condemned more than any other nation in the world, but the double standard doesn't end there. Israel's real or perceived crimes are blown out of proportion in comparison to other countries' real or perceived crimes, but the double standard doesn't end there. Israel's suffering is minimized, contextualized, denied, or qualified in comparison to the suffering of other countries, but the double standard doesn't end there. Instead, there is another double standard: everything coming out of Hamas' mouth is immediately taken as fact, while everything that comes out of Israel is questioned.

This is not merely a matter of "feeling" like there is a double standard.

On October 17, an explosion went off at the Al Ahli Hospital parking lot. Within minutes, Hamas claimed that an Israeli airstrike had targeted the hospital, killing 471 people. Israel claimed that a Palestinian Islamic Jihad missile misfired and hit the hospital. But the BBC ran with Hamas' story. This triggered worldwide outrage, inciting anti-Jewish riots in the Arab world and in Russia. Eventually, most international independent investigations corroborated Israel's version of events. But by the time the media retracted its original claim - that is, what Hamas said - it was too late. Two Jews had already been killed in Tunisia in retaliation for a massacre that Israel never actually committed.

Then there is the issue of the hostage videos. Hostage videos are hostage videos because they are made under duress. The hostage is told what to say; otherwise, their life is in danger. Hamas, of course, has coerced the Israeli hostages into saying that they are being treated well. These statements, made with a gun to the head, have been taken as fact, so much so that prominent figures such as Shaun King have gushed over Hamas' so-called "humane" treatment of the hostages (that they brutally abducted after murdering their entire families and friends before their eyes).

Yet, now that over a hundred hostages have been released, and they are no longer under threat from Hamas, they are coming out with stories of abuse and torture. Suddenly, no one believes these accounts, claiming that Israel must have told them what to say. It's absolutely absurd and defies all logic.

[slide 10] support my work

venmo: @rootsmetals cash app: $rootsmetals paypal: @debbie@rootsmetals.com

complete bibliography for this post: patreon.com/rootsmetals

disclaimer: the intent of this post is to educate, raise awareness, and challenge hate speech]

[fuck-hamas-go-israel]

the relief of seeing your own country on this list.

also, the countries who are in support of South Africa are themselves just pure havens of human rights and equal treatment, aren’t they? 🙄

HERE is the list of the 134 countries that are NOT supporting South Africa's 🇿🇦 claims of genocide against Israel 🇮🇱:

🇦🇩 Andorra 

🇦🇴 Angola 

🇦🇬 Antigua and Barbuda 

🇦🇷 Argentina 

🇦🇲 Armenia 

🇦🇺 Australia 

🇦🇹 Austria 

🇧🇸 Bahamas 

🇧🇧 Barbados 

🇧🇾 Belarus 

🇧🇿 Belize 

🇧🇹 Bhutan 

🇧🇦 Bosnia and Herzegovina 

🇧🇼 Botswana 

🇧🇬 Bulgaria 

🇧🇮 Burundi 

🇨🇻 Cabo Verde 

🇰🇭 Cambodia 

🇨🇦 Canada 

🇨🇫 Central African Republic 

🇨🇱 Chile 

🇨🇳 China 

🇰🇲 Comoros 

🇨🇬 Congo 

🇨🇷 Costa Rica 

🇭🇷 Croatia 

🇨🇺 Cuba 

🇨🇾 Cyprus 

🇨🇿 Czech Republic 

🇨🇩 Democratic Republic of the Congo 

🇩🇰 Denmark 

🇩🇲 Dominica 

🇩🇴 Dominican Republic 

🇹🇱 East Timor (Timor-Leste) 

🇪🇨 Ecuador 

🇸🇻 El Salvador 

🇬🇶 Equatorial Guinea 

🇪🇷 Eritrea 

🇪🇪 Estonia 

🇸🇿 Eswatini 

🇪🇹 Ethiopia 

🇫🇯 Fiji 

🇫🇮 Finland 

🇫🇷 France 

🇬🇪 Georgia 

🇩🇪 Germany 

🇬🇭 Ghana 

🇬🇷 Greece 

🇬🇩 Grenada 

🇬🇹 Guatemala 

🇭🇹 Haiti 

🇭🇳 Honduras 

🇭🇺 Hungary 

🇮🇸 Iceland 

🇮🇳 India 

🇮🇪 Ireland 

🇮🇹 Italy 

🇯🇲 Jamaica 

🇯🇵 Japan 

🇰🇪 Kenya 

🇰🇮 Kiribati 

🇰🇵 Korea, North (North Korea) 

🇰🇷 Korea, South (South Korea) 

🇽🇰 Kosovo 

🇱🇦 Laos 

🇱🇻 Latvia 

🇱🇸 Lesotho 

🇱🇷 Liberia 

🇱🇮 Liechtenstein 

🇱🇹 Lithuania 

🇱🇺 Luxembourg 

🇲🇬 Madagascar 

🇲🇼 Malawi

🇲🇹 Malta 

🇲🇭 Marshall Islands 

🇲🇺 Mauritius 

🇲🇽 Mexico 

🇫🇲 Micronesia 

🇲🇩 Moldova 

🇲🇨 Monaco 

🇲🇳 Mongolia 

🇲🇪 Montenegro 

🇲🇲 Myanmar (Burma) 

🇳🇷 Nauru 

🇳🇵 Nepal 

🇳🇱 Netherlands 

🇳🇿 New Zealand 

🇳🇮 Nicaragua 

🇲🇰 North Macedonia (Macedonia) 

🇳🇴 Norway 

🇵🇼 Palau 

🇵🇦 Panama 

🇵🇬 Papua New Guinea 

🇵🇾 Paraguay 

🇵🇪 Peru 

🇵🇭 Philippines 

🇵🇱 Poland 

🇵🇹 Portugal 

🇷🇴 Romania 

🇷🇺 Russia 

🇷🇼 Rwanda 

🇰🇳 Saint Kitts and Nevis 

🇱🇨 Saint Lucia 

🇻🇨 Saint Vincent and the Grenadines 

🇼🇸 Samoa 

🇸🇲 San Marino 

🇸🇹 Sao Tome and Principe 

🇷🇸 Serbia 

🇸🇨 Seychelles 

🇸🇱 Sierra Leone 

🇸🇬 Singapore 

🇸🇰 Slovakia 

🇸🇮 Slovenia 

🇸🇧 Solomon Islands 

🇪🇸 Spain 

🇱🇰 Sri Lanka 

🇸🇪 Sweden

🇨🇭 Switzerland 

🇹🇼 Taiwan 

🇹🇿 Tanzania 

🇹🇭 Thailand 

🇹🇴 Tonga 

🇹🇹 Trinidad and Tobago 

🇹🇳 Tunisia 

🇹🇲 Turkmenistan 

🇹🇻 Tuvalu 

🇺🇦 Ukraine 

🇬🇧 United Kingdom (UK) 

🇺🇸 United States of America (USA) 

🇺🇾 Uruguay 

🇻🇺 Vanuatu 

🇻🇦 Vatican City 

🇻🇳 Vietnam 

🇿🇲 Zambia 

🇿🇼 Zimbabwe

[cryojackel]

X/Cody lore

[The art belongs to @willowwilberttree For making the desgin for the ref who allowed me to use it for the purpose of explaining the lore of Cody and yes i have proof of it even if its incomplete i wont complain.]

" normality felt like a curse to me, I couldn't fit in to anyone that had the slightest bit of it. I hated it, I hated how my world betray me for the smallest thing....not until I met you..Chara."-Cody

Cody was you're typical human boy who lived in his universe that was completely devoided of monsters and magic. A world similar to our own but different and hidden within the multiverse of AU's not even the most experienced travelers know it's existence, not even Ink or nightmare. Expect one....

While Cody was returning home from a rough time at school he discover a trail of blood on the walls and investigate it, when he discovered the source he found the monochrome human X-Chara bleeding out...scared...cautious. the brunette tried to help him but Chara refused to be saved by someone he doesn't know...expect Cody didn't abandoned them even from Threats and their sassy behavior, he brought them home and treated him back to health.

In response to this X-Chara had a idea to this, he saw potentially like X-Undyne did to him. To train Cody to get stronger and better than most humans. Which the young boy agreed out of excitement and joy embracing the new loyalty of his creator his "master" even.

But even then...Cody's joy can only last so long..

Name: Cody Reeves.

Age: 17/18

Born: 1999

Species: he may be a skeleton but he's been overwritten by XGASTER. His original human form is kinda gone.

Date of when discovering Chara: 2005

Parents: Ryan Reeve and Nora Reeves. Unfortunately Nora died due to a incident involving a road rage incident prior to when Cody discovered Chara.

Freinds: Adam Dakota(deceased), Rosa Bridget(deceased), Kyle Wayne (deceased) ,Cassidy Abara(deceased), X-Chara.

Gender: male

Height: 5'7

Weapons and magic

Due to be overwritten by Chara, Cody was given magic to fight XGaster though given his human body it's not able to handle it...suffering nasty side affects..

Such as nauseated sensation,blurry vision and bleeding from the eyes and mouth..

But his magic is the standard sans attacks. (Side note: he doesn't like to use magic as much)

He also posses the ability to open portals to over AU's (curiosity to nightmare)

But he has a double edge sword that's mechanical able to control the blades to move in or eject out of the handle with specific triggers on it to fight.

He also prefer to fight in hand to hand combat and is pretty good at it by personality training himself and also his former freind Cassidy.

Personal belongings:

A silver heartlocket lifted by Chara as a reward for his loyalty

Likes:

Banana bread

Wanting to be alone

X-Chara (he deeply respects him)

Endertale(his personal favorite AU)

Dislikes:

Being followed and pestered.

Ink (don't ask why....okay it's because what he's hiding to allow him to reach to XTale to rescue Chara.)

Young children being harmed (this is due to his former freind Rosa being with perfectionist parents, he will try to keep them company or protect as long as he can)

Rabbits...he...really...hates rabbits...any kind and willfully show it. (It's unknown if he dislikes the monster rabbit vairents) if one comes up he will spook it off or use magic to scare it away. It's not that he fears them...he really hates them due to a bad experience when he was either four or five.

Fears: EXE and not being able to save Chara..plus has fears of being alone.

nicknames: X and X-tremist (which are both codenames) mutt.(don't call him that personally...he hates that, it's mainly due to his loyalty to his creator.)

Alignment: none

strenghts: he's really durable and persistent in combat, so taking him on his going to be a hassle for most skilled fighters. He will even tank painful damage to defeat you...but he will give out if weaken enough. Very good at hand to hand combat too...and is stealthy.

Weaknesses: his emotional state is very fragile hidden under a false persona of toughness. He mainly keeps himself distant from others to keep themselves safe...arrogance is also a weakness he has is mainly due to his disregard and desperation. Overwhelming numbers is his last weakness, he can take on three people but not four to twenty people that'll Overwhelm him...if he notices this he will immediately retreat to back off.

Sexual orientation: Asexual and Aromatic (why?: he isn't always like that, he was originally Bi but due to the constant blood shed and fight he's expirence it made him very dull and doesn't seem interest in flirts and will ignore it.)

[g0ose-bumps]

A/O/B verse Ghoap

(Dom)Beta!Ghost meets (Sub)Alpha!Soap who's a big flirt. M rated. Canon compliant to codmwii.

When Ghost hears about the new sergeant joining them, he's pays it no mind. Whether the man would be a hindrance or a help, was to be seen. Ghost worked best alone. While he could lead a squad easily, closer partnership was something he always sought to avoid. That said, the likelihood of the man being an annoyance was high and Ghost was not a gambling man.

MacTavish was apparently an Alpha, and Ghost wasn't about to bet on him not challenging Ghost's authority with some typical Alpha bullshite.

The world looked down on anyone who wasn't an Alpha. Betas while appreciated for their lack of pheromonal syndromes, were never one to be looked for leadership. They were seen as the workforce of the world, most higher ranked positions given to Alphas who were generally stronger, faster and some might even say smarter. Omegas weren't even considered for anything but breeding, the poor bastards.

Ghost didn't care about any of it.

Well to be exact, he didn't care insofar as it affected his job. He'd had many a man under his command sniff at him strangely and then open their useless mouth to decry being led by a Beta. Ghost had largely ignored their screeches, too focused on the mission to truly care. Those men never lasted long anyway.

He'd liked being a Beta. The strange smells, heats and ruts Ghost had heard about were just that—bizarre physical urges that created a scene Ghost was keen to avoid. He'd always thought Betas were made superior by not being controlled by their cocks or cunts. Ghost had seen many good men and women led astray by one whiff of something in the air. Emotions fraught on their faces as they abandoned all who they were as people and became savage animals.

The thought made him nauseated. To be at the whims of another person just because they smelt a certain way was pure insanity to him. Ghost was quite happy he never had to deal with any of that Alpha/Omega shite. He'd happily ignore the whole pheromonal debacle if it wasn't so prevalent every time he dealt with a new Alpha.

That's why when he actually does meet the man he's heard so much about–mostly from Price who never stopped bragging about this 'Soap's' achievements, or from Gaz who was apparently bossom brothers of a sort–he's fully taken aback.

He's short, is what he thinks first. Most alphas stood at least 6 feet tall. The sergeant was probably 7 inches shorter than him. Not that he's much to sneeze at either, Ghost being abnormally tall for even Alpha standards. But it's undeniable that for an Alpha, MacTavish was on the smaller side.

The second thing he notes, is that he looks soft. His face is soft, his demeanor is soft and his words are soft. It's an abrupt departure from the lean angularity that made up a stereotypical Alpha. Hell, even Gaz and Price who were both Alphas, had looked to be cut from the same stone. Acted like it too some days, exuding a comfortable confidence that couldn't be faked.

It was Ghost who stood out as a giant among the bunch, made more 'freakish' looking by his height and bulk. Aside from the others in 141, most Alphas felt threatened by him, like he'd try to steal their Omegas or their positions. He'd only laugh when they accused him of just that. Ghost wasn't interested. He never was.

This Alpha, however, takes one glance up at him and offers up his bare neck. Shadowed eyes looking up at him sweetly, pretty lashes fluttering. He gets a soft, "Let's get ourselves a win, yeah, Lt? Save ya a seat, sir..." And a slight tap to his chest (a fistbump of all things!).

Ghost is stunned. He eyes the openly barred neck the sergeant was proudly displaying to him. He's so utterly confused. Alphas tended to guard their neck at all costs. Their neck doubled up as a sensitive place for the bonds they would make or as a weak spot to instantly immobilize them. Offering up ones neck was considered a submission only given to Alphas higher up in their internal rankings or...

Ghost can't even think it. But he does, the sergeant winking at him while Ghost just stands there like an idiot with his mouth gaped open.

A barred neck was an invitation for something more intimate in nature. Something Ghost had only heard about in lurid whispers among the men. It was unheard of to have an Alpha do it for a Beta. It was even more unheard of for an Alpha to do it in plain sight of others, no less in front of the men they were to lead in a mission, 5 minutes from starting. It was dark, but not dark enough for everything to be hidden.

Despite himself, Ghost feels the stirrings of hunger deep within him. He wants desperately to take that smug look off of the Alpha's face, to have him writhing for more. To grab the man and bare his vulnerable throat further. Show Ghost more of that tan skin so carefully hidden amongst thick protective clothes.

He wants to take that submission being offered so prettily by the cocky Alpha right in front of him and cram it down his throat. Have him bouncing in his lap, insensate and screaming for more. Thrust up into that tight arse and watch as he cries fat tears down those soft, soft eyes of his. Then laugh as the Alpha struggles to fit his reddened lips over Ghost's length when he takes his mouth as well and makes him choke on it.

Ghost wants.

Soap takes one last glance at him and smirks. The other man seemed assured of whatever he saw from Ghost. He saunters off towards the transport, head held high. An Alpha to the core despite all the Very Not Alpha Behaviour he'd just shown Ghost.

"Fucking hell..." Ghost groans.

Shepherd barks, "Ghost, you copy?"

A slight pause. "Yes sir." Ghost chokes back, tongue thick in his mouth.

He can hear the worried concern coming from the older Alpha at Ghost's uncharacteristic fumbling.

"Any issues?"

Ghost has so many issues.

"Negative sir, out here." He growls, a headache growing at the thought of all the upcoming missions with Soap.

Fucking hell indeed.

*

[twopoppies]

The double standard in this fandom are nauseating. Larries are seen like the biggest enemies. Insulted, harassed…but others shippers that most of the times are like larries but worse…get a pass.

You know what I mean, Gina? 🙃

Oh, for sure. It’s partly because hating on larries and blaming them for everything has been normalized by 1DHQ and the media since forever. Then, throw in Louis’ ever increasing denials as well as things the other guys have said in print and sprinkle in some homophobia and you’ve got the perfect scapegoat.

[fromthedeskofmuffin]

Far Out

Chapter 17: Cowl

The galaxy turned.

I was now over half a year into my stay at Brock Station. At some point, I realized it had become my home. Navigating the rings of the station was now second nature, and I had at least met everyone on the engineering team. Vulka and I had become good friends, since we still worked together whenever he was on roaming duty. I had even begun allowing others to help me with the Benevolence. So far, it was just Vulka and Listher (since I wasn't the most social person on the station and they both kept pressuring me) but even two extra people on a project as big as the Benevolence was a big deal.

Benni, for its part, surprised me by perfectly playing the part of a standard ship AI. I had forgotten the time it lied to the recovery team, but for some reason, Benni’s ability to act didn’t bother me as much as it probably should have. Other living beings could lie, so Benni had every right to be able to do the same. It was just a matter of trusting it to have good decision making skills, and trusting that it trusted me. 

Work on the Benevolence itself went faster than I had expected. By now, the ship's systems were all fully operational, save for the engines themselves and the CDrive. We had even managed to acquire a new cockpit and install it without any issue. The engines were where we got stuck. Armor plating? No problem, pull it off some salvage and cut to fit. Need a targeting system for your laser turrets and missile clusters? With some advanced coding, you can reprogram one from another ship to fit yours. The problem with the parts we needed now was connections. Proprietary ones. Listher did his best, but every other engine we looked at just wouldn't be able to connect to the Benevolence in a safe and secure way.

“Look, finding Ulthean Heartland-Class gunship engines is harder than you think,” Listher said. The Chief’s Assistant was sitting on a crate next to the Benevolence while I riveted the last of the new armor plating to the hull. “I was able to get you the new cockpit because I already knew a guy who had one. The rest of the ship it was attached to is debris somewhere in deep space. What if we just modified the connections?”

I shook my head, firing the last rivet and stepping back to survey my work. “We'd have to modify too much. I've seen enough of other Frontier engines to know it wouldn't work.”

“Then you'll be docked for a while yet, kid,” Listher said with a shrug. “It’s pretty rare for one of these things to get taken out, much less salvaged.”

That nauseating sense of pride welled in my chest again, and I squashed it immediately. I leaned against the Benevolence and looked at Listher. “What about Pasci engines? You haven't shown me any of those.”

“That's because they're impossible to obtain,” Listher said. The look he gave me was pained as he set his tablet down. “The Pasci are just about the most private engineers I've ever met or heard of. No one works on their ships except other Pasci. No one crews them except for Pasci. Somehow, there hasn't been a single bolt or screw made by the Pasci put on the market, underground or otherwise. Even if they fit perfectly on the Benevolence, I couldn't get you one of their engines if I sold half my eyes. I’m endangered, remember? You know how much one of these goes for?”

“No, and quit pointing, I get it,” I said, rolling my own eye with a smirk. “What's their deal? Weren't they the ones that suggested standardizations in the first place?”

Listher shrugged as he put his hands back down. “You know how it is. Oldest race, best tech. ‘Rules for thee’, ‘you’re not prepared for it’, the usual stuff. They–”

He was cut off as the dock bulkhead opened, and one of the strangest people I'd ever seen slithered through, next to Dr. Skisk. She wore a long and expensive looking head covering over her serpentine head and body (which seemed to just keep going). Six bony arms pulled double duty, gesticulating and pulling her along the ground as she chattered animatedly to the station’s doctor. 

“Oh, is that today?” Listher asked, turning back to look at me. 

I looked back at him with a blank expression. “Was what today?”

Listher and I stared at each other with mounting confusion until he spoke. “Thats. Jessie, thats your cybernetics specialist.”

“Oh! Right!” I said, smacking my head. That was today. Excitement filled my entire body at the thought of finally getting rid of these mechanical braces. Of entering zero gravity again. Then, a shriek from the direction of the approaching duo made us both jump.

“You didn't say they were PaliTech Modulegs Pro™!” 

The cybernetics specialist was suddenly bearing down on Listher and I with the speed and inertia of a rogue asteroid, palms slapping on the ground as her body was dragged behind, occasionally lifting and dropping with a thud to catch up. Dr. Skisk looked shocked, stopping in their tracks. Listher and I both jumped back in surprise. The specialist pulled up short right in front of us, and I finally got a true sense of how big she was. Her body, covered in blue scales, was at least fifteen feet long, and her head loomed a foot and a half over my own, weaving back and forth to get a proper look at me with her blood red eyes.

“Babe, you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to get my hands in a pair of those,” she said, pointing at my legs. 

“Don’t you mean on?” I asked. Her stare was starting to feel uncomfortable.

“I meant in,” she said with a wink, wiggling her fingers. “You’re Jessie, then? They call me Cowl, so you can too.”

Nervously, I held out a hand, which she shook daintily in reply. My excitement had faded a bit in the onslaught of Cowl, but I didn’t want to pass judgement yet. With a cautious smile, I said, “Nice to meet you. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time.”

“Well of course you have, my schedule is a mess!” she cried. “There aren't that many of you, but would it kill you Ultheans to stick together a bit?”

I grimaced. “Probably, yeah. It's a bit difficult when we all have to stay under the radar.”

“Yes, well,” Cowl said, waving a dismissing hand. “Just trying to save on fuel costs, is all.”

“Cowl wanted to meet you before the procedure,” said Dr. Skisk, antennae twitching. I hadn't even noticed them walking up. “To see what she would be working with. Sorry, I didn’t expect her to get so excited.”

“How could I not?” Cowl asked, head dipping to Dr. Skisk’s eye level. Then she turned it towards me. “The Modulegs Pro™ are a civilian model! Military cybernetics from Ulthea are common as aluminum on starships. I’ve been begging for a civilian to show up at my airlock for ages!”

“Well, here I am,” I said, spreading my arms and dropping them in a tired motion. “Though, I was a UAN mechanic. We just got a civilian model because we weren’t expected to see combat.”

“Don’t care, too excited,” Cowl said bluntly. She reared her head back up. “My ‘office’ is ready if you are.”

I blinked. “Just like that?”

Cowl shrugged with three of her shoulders. “It's not surgery, babe. Not the meat kind, anyway. No mess, no germs. You'll be in and out in an hour.”

“Oh, wow, okay,” I said, overwhelmed at how fast things were moving. My grin was somewhere between a nervous and excited one as I looked to Listher, who nodded.

“Go for it, you're not on the clock,” he said. “You've been talking a big game about your zero gee skills, so prove it when you get back.”

I nodded back, a little lost for words, then started towards the ship’s bay door. “I’ll just lock up the Benevolence. We were pretty much done for the day anyways.”

Before I knew it, the mechanical braces were off, and I was sitting in an examination chair within a much smaller ship than I had expected. It was decorated with tapestries and soft lighting, in a manner that reflected how she dressed. Life in space had always been about cleanliness, efficiency. My entire life had been enamel, aluminum, and plastic, and any plant life I saw had only been viewed through display screens. Helga’s office was organic, but this was on another level. It was… nice. Softer. The intricate patterns on everything around me were beautiful and fascinating.

Cowl pushed her head through a beaded curtain, and her body followed after. She was calmer now, more composed. Her head still bobbed around as she spoke, but now it was clear she was just trying to maintain polite eye contact with eyes further apart than mine. The smile she gave me was warm and genuine.

“Comfortable, I hope?” she asked.

“I’m okay,” I said, nodding. “This isn’t like my usual cybernetics checkup.”

Cowl ran a scanner over my legs, then checked a tablet she had hung on her shoulder. “I should hope not,” she mumbled. “I’m taking your restraints off, not adding new ones.”

My face darkened. It was still so hard to comprehend the kind of thought that would lead to putting restraint chips inside your citizens cybernetics. The cybernetics that you forced on those citizens. “Why… why would they do this to us?”

Cowl’s expression softened. “It’s all about control, girl. It’s not personal. There’s too many of you to handle with only armed guards and stern words. Have you ever thought about what might happen if everyone on your old station rushed the guards at once? If you tried to take over?”

She had a point. There really weren’t that many guards on the station compared to how many workers there were. “Wouldn’t they just kill all of us, then?” I asked, subconsciously gripping one of my horns. “There’s still the orbital cannons.”

“Of course,” Cowl replied. “But, if they can just press a button and make the resistance stop, they don’t have to waste money building a new station.”

I stared at my legs, eyebrows knotted so tight it almost hurt. It made sense, but it was so cruel. The hurt and betrayal I had felt back when I first escaped hit me like a boulder. Then Cowl poked me in the forehead, and I looked up into a pair of nostrils. 

“Hey. Listen,” she said, before pulling her head back to a more reasonable distance. “You’re out of there, right? You’re taking your legs back. When I’m done, they’ll be yours entirely, and just as good as ever. They lost their grip on you.”

With a sigh, I tried to force myself to relax. “Right. Thank you. At least I’ll have my legs.”

“That’s the spirit!” Cowl said, with enthusiasm. “Now, ready to begin?”

< Previous Chapter | Start | Next Chapter >

[kiironekolady]

So final thoughts on eurovision this year

the people will not be silenced, no matter the narratives and bullshit censorship they try to impose

nauseated but not surprised at the public vote for israel

nauseated and fucking livid at the 12 points the portuguese public gave them

eurovision is always political

you cannot sanitize eurovision, you can only ruin it by trying

remove opaque politically motivated sponsorships

you can't claim to remove russia out of "morals" and then not israel. there have always been countries doing horrible things represented at eurovision but the obvious double standards and hyprocrisy could never fly this year

hey EBU, we will not forget

peace for palestine

[terpia]

Oh won't you look at this, the return of the whining tag. This one is long and probably not that interesting to people who aren't me, but I'm upset, really don't want to talk to anyone in real life about it, and just need to get it off my chest.

There was a grant application (I work for a charity) I was working on for most of last week, which needed to be submitted today. It wasn't for a super big amount of money by my organisation's standards, but it also wasn't for an insignificant amount, if that makes sense. A so-so annual amount that added up to a decent sum over the proposed 3 years of work.

Because of staff holidays, this was one of the ones I worked on pretty much to the deadline to submit, with the full draft having to be ready for my manager to review this morning and the rest of the day being spent on corrections. Except, when I sent the cloud version of the document to my boss on Friday, even staying after work to do the most I could with it, it still wasn't fully drafted.

I almost definitely could have done things differently to get the application done by then. Re-prioritised some tasks, worked a bit harder on certain days, etc. But I didn't, so to catch up, I just had to do it over the weekend. Sucks, but it felt like my fault. Working over the weekend would have been sort of fine, except, with me being me, I spent the entire weekend stressing about having to do the work but then didn't manage to force myself to actually sit down and write until fairly late last night. Whatever, 4 hours of work to get the application finished, 4.5 hours of sleep so that I could wake up sufficiently early to replace the half-finished cloud version with the full draft before my manager started to review it, but then at least it was done.

The rest of the day went as expected, spent mostly on updating the application based on my manager's feedback (this time with support of some team members). And then, it's finally ready to submit, almost at the very end of the work day. Transfering the application into the online form + re-reading it again takes about half hour, but at this point who cares about finishing 20 min late. I finish re-reading, click the 'submit' button. And get an error message saying that this form has already closed. And my stomach drops.

Now, the strength of what I'm feeling is very likely the sleep deprivation talking. When I think about it reasonably, the guidelines didn't specify the time by which the application needed to be submitted, just the date (unless I just didn't notice the time deadline and that's a horrifying thought), which means they will still probably accept the pdf version I emailed them right after. This is also an organisation that we have a good relationship with, so even if we submitted the application a bit late, they will still probably accept it anyway. Probably.

But I don't know that for sure. And the possibility that it won't be accepted is vomit inducing. All that work and my unpaid time put into that stupid document, so much of my sweat, blood and tears. Not to mention that that collectively decent but not spectacular amount for the charity, on a personal level translates to almost double my annual salary, which is a fucking nauseating amount to have potentially 'lost' (not that it was guaranteed but not being the awarded the money after applying feels very different to just not submitting a fully finished application for something we're eligible for). And then what do I say to my boss about what happened? Especially since, at least in my head, if I did somehow manage to prioritise better, work harder, the application could have possibly been finished a few days earlier and this all could have been avoided.

It will probably be fine. Maybe. Possibly. If I had to bet, I'd say there's at least 80% chance they'll accept it, and even that may be me being overly pessimistic . But I won't know anything for certain until tomorrow (at the earliest), so for now I just have to sit here and try to somehow stop thinking about it.

[im-out-of-it]

season 2, episode 17, “a dark reflection” aka Alec lies to Magnus 😭

before I start, I just want to say this episode and the next is going to be extremely hard for me to digest. I don’t agree that Alec would lie to Magnus given their whole history and Alec seems to have learned from that. Alec is always thinking of Magnus and I don’t what the writers were fucking on in season two era but they should’ve stayed away from it. I don’t mind drama, I LOVE IT, but why was Malec constantly getting put though it? I feel it’s worse in season two because Alec seems to constantly make mistakes. I love a man who can grow, but he just never seemed to catch a break. so let’s begin, RIP MALEC WE WILL SEE YOU HAPPY SOON

I guess they’re back together

2. is he on standby just waiting for her to make a noise??????

3. they’re barely together and it’s already nauseating

4. Jonathon has become jace’s #1 enemy

5. THIS IS THE SHIT RIGHT HERE THAT I HATE. so it’s acceptable when jace thought he had demon blood but it’s evil when jonathon for real has it? I am no way defending jonathon but it’s very hypocritical for jace to speak ill of jonathon when just a few episodes back, everyone thought he was a demon. I’m reposting this (I posted in sneak peek) just to show how ridiculous jace is

6. and this is what he says now:

7. forgot about these:

8. also does anyone find it kind of creepy how he just runs in there like he’s almost waiting on clary to wake up? maybe I’m just being a bitch lmao

9. also does it seem to anyone else that any mention of any guy in clary’s life and jace seems automatically jealous? I don’t think this is about “protecting” clary. just like when she was with Simon, friends and dating, he was always jealous

10. and once again, I’m really not defending jonathon but it’s a double standard when everyone was fine to protect and love jace even if he was a demon but once an actual demon is in the picture- oh he needs to be rid of asap!!!!!! Alec and Izzy always had jaces back even when they heard he was a demon. he had everyones support from day 1 and still does. I find his behavior to be super hypocritical. I also don’t forgive jonathon for what he does to max and my irritation is mainly with Jace. Jace has “trauma” so it’s okay for him to be a dick but jonathon never had anyone loving him (if you count the way Lilith loved him) and he’s seen as the most vile creature there is????

11. clary: I’ll find my brother

12. I mean when you have valentine whispering in your ear and placing doubts that your mother never cared about you, it would make you prone to believe those thoughts

13. isn’t it wild all that time Jocelyn really thought jace was her son when he wasn’t????? 💀

14. I don’t know where or how the incest comes to play. I feel there’s this whole “he has demon blood so he wants all the wrong things so let’s prove how awful he really is” vibe when it comes to jonathon. but also if you think about book jace and jonathon, they have many similarities which is even more wild. and at least with the show, they don’t force down the incest like CC did

15. “trust goes both ways”, show jonathon is a lot more sympathetic than book jonathon. book jonathon can go rot in hell for all I care but if you think about the show version- he never once had a loving nurturing presence in his life. Valentine fucked up his son before he were born, and Jocelyn was terrified of him, while Lilith burned him and turned him more demonic, he just doesn’t seem to have anyone in his life who tried to show him a different life. I still think he’s majorly a bad person but it’s hard to almost throw away a person when they never once had it good. they didn’t really give him a chance to grow either. also it’s not our fault that the actor is mesmerizing to watch. IT DOES NOT HELP HIS CASE 🥹 and if you think about it- jace has always been a shit person but he’s always had support

16. Max is all grown up

17. Alec is so proud

18. keep Alec in your thoughts. Izzy will be furious

off to part 2 ✔️

[monstersinthecosmos]

Hi Kacy! Question: do you like Lestat? Like, what is your opinion on him? Also I was wondering.. what is your least favorite VC character, and why?

fhjskdglsd lmao he is my least favorite VC character  🥸

But!!!!!!!! There’s some nuance here for me. 

Like, he’s the main narrator so if I TRULY couldn’t stand him I don’t think I’d like the books. I don’t hate Lestat. I also could group the many many many extraneous characters in the back half of the series as my least favorite, too, but it’s fair to say that I don’t care about them. I would’ve enjoyed more content about the characters we already knew and liked instead of having to spend so much time with like all the PL trilogy randos. So, of the main cast, my least favorite is Lestat.

A lot of this is like, subjective and personal and about preference, because we see the double standards in fandom constantly, like why do we give Lestat a pass while we demonize Marius for the same shit, etc. And for me as a Marius Girlie (GN), WHY DO I GIVE MARIUS A PASS ON STUFF LESTAT ALSO DOES? I can’t really explain it, I just don’t like him. LOL.

But what I find really fascinating is that Marius and Lestat are like, the father & son version of the same character. They have SO much in common, and it’s really engaging for me to use Lestat to extrapolate ideas about Marius. I think a lot about how they’re sort of pessimist/optimist versions of each other, too, and how perhaps Lestat’s “nauseating buoyancy” is what allows him to make such terrible, public decisions, vs Marius who has similar bouts of creative frenzy, similar self-loathing cycles, similar uses of ego, but who often crumbles and withdraws into himself without making Lestat-Sized messes. 

And like, how much of this speaks to their inherent personalities vs the lore about your age and temperament? Would Marius have been like this if he’d been turned at 20 when he was still full of verve? If Lestat had made it to 40 would he have calmed down? Was Marius this much of a mess in his first couple centuries, and will Lestat be like this if he makes it to 2000?

As a VC fan in general, I think whenever I’m reading one of Lestat’s books I’m usually really plugged in and enjoying him in the moment, but like, I am so much more invested in the de Romanus bloodline, like, in TVL I am so engaged with Lestat until Armand shows up, and then I’m like NO LET’S SPEND MORE TIME WITH THIS GUY. Same with the Marius chapter, it’s my favorite! And TVA/B&G/Pandora are my favorite. I mostly enjoy the other books, but whenever I do a reread it’s always a relief to make it to de Romanus books. THE DARK TRIAD, if you will.

I get him, too. Like, I get it lol. I get it. But I think by the back half of the series I just get super sick of him, and a lot of it has to do with the way the writing devolves. TVL Lestat is a very different person than Post-MTD Lestat, even PL Lestat, and I think when we start dissecting Anne Rice’s use of him as a Mary Sue it gets really annoying. There’s also like, the huge list of -isms in VC that we’ve discussed to death, and things Anne Rice handled better or worse, and even Post-QOTD Lestat really bugs the fuck out of me with how he treats Louis, and the way he is so plainly abusive to his lovers.

Like, I’m here all day defending Marius/TVA LOL and discussing diegetic kink and brand contamination and telling everyone it’s not that deep, and so this is my flaw as well that I give Marius a pass on stuff that I blame on the writing, vs how I have a hard time giving Lestat the same grace. It’s subjective, in a way, too, because the specific ways Lestat treats Louis are really triggering to me personally, and I have a hard time seeing past it, the way some people have a hard time seeing past Marius, or even a hard time seeing past the way Armand abuses Daniel. We all have little things like that, so I’m not judging anyone who enjoys it, it’s just not for me. I find it easy to understand the non-diegetic BDSM in TVA but less easy to watch the way Lestat treats Louis and David long term, the way his shitty behavior doesn’t get called out, the way Louis never gets to stick up for himself, the way David is so broken and traumatized and terrified of him but we never talk about it again except when Lestat makes a rape joke about it. Etc!!!

He’s just such a terror to everyone in his life, like! I feel sorry for everyone who gets involved with him! He’s traumatic to be around! AND LIKE, THE THEME OF VC IS THAT MESSES & BAD PEOPLE ALSO DESERVE LOVE, but like. Christ lol. He can meet us halfway and work on himself too lol. 

And it's interesting to ask like, when we talk about how Lestat gets a pass in the universe and no one holds him accountable, I think it's fair to analyze points of view and ask if it's simply Lestat withholding any criticism, but like ! idk! He turned a child lol. That happened! Other people met her! TOBT is about how he realizes he's a monster and accepts it, and decides he'd do it again! I love TOBT so much for being such a cool portrait of his evil, really! And it's part of his charm, too, like we like him as a character because he's charming and perhaps people in the universe also always forgive him because he's charming! He's just too irresistible LOL. But there's a turning point where it just starts feeling flat, the charm feels unironic, it doesn't feel like we're seeing him as a charming monster anymore. (This is just me but maybe it's because I get bored and don't analyze the later Lestat books enough.)

By the end it felt like Anne Rice writing silly lil stories about her lil guy, I get it. But I don’t really enjoy that in the writing and so like, I can’t say that I enjoy the Lestat stories too much, and whether it’s diegetic or not, he bugs the fuck out of me LOL.

On a fandom level, too, like, he’s the main character and Loustat is the juggernaut ship. He’s not neglected, there’s plenty of fan content about him. I don’t feel particularly obligated to create works for him or give him more attention, he’s doing fine lol. I don’t think I have anything to say about him that hasn’t been said, and I’m not interested in taking up space in fandom as a salty Lestat hater, so I just leave a polite distance. 

I do like him when I’m in the moment reading his books, I really value him as the main narrator, there are scenes of his that break my heart, Lestat/Nicki is one of my top ships of all time, I love him as a scared boy trying so hard to be good, I love him as a tortured creative person who needs so deeply to be heard, I love him as a baby fledgling who doesn’t know what to do and is so so so scared of losing people, but I also get sick of him and think that, as the main narrator, he shoulders the brunt of the weird writing decisions in the second half, and I’m just over it! Idk! 

[randomthefox]

Movie Shadow looks like a wet rat with a bull-dog mouth. Why do people like this filth.

I honestly don't know

This movie looks like ass

My only conclusion is it's the Sonic Double Standard. Because you know if this was, like, Pokemon or something everybody would be calling out screenshots like this for the nauseating grotesquery that it is.

[sjerzgirl]

Spot on analysis!

[averinna]

The double standard on twitter... Nauseating.

So many guy I want to punch...

So it's why y'all are like this huh... I get it now

Still don't excuse y'all saying that more men should kill themselves tho. If you hate dudebros, hate on dudebros

[androgynous-emo]

Genuinely frustrating how often men are just blatantly slanderised constantly on this site. It's honestly nauseating to see how they're consistently targeted, yet nobody ever seems to talk about ""toxic feminity"" or mention how equally toxic (if not more so) women can be. You're not any better for blaming innocent men for issues they have no control over, you're just as bad as the people you claim to be against. You are just as big of an issue as them.

Nobody is perfect, and this isn't to say all men are innocent. There will always be bad apples. But not all men are the same either. Nobody gets to choose what sex they are born with, and being just as malicious as misogynists does nothing but come off as whiny, annoying, and - more than anything - hypocritical. You're looking for somebody to blame instead of solving the core issues.

Modern feminism is a joke. It's not about equality at all, it's about hating men, only hating men, and encouraging evil double standards they claim to be against yet seem to actively encourage. Get over yourself. You are human, just like your "enemy." Men have feelings too. Maybe people would take you more seriously if you weren't so blatantly trying to encourage male suicides.

Now we wait for the thousands of messages from the exact kind of angry feminists we've mentioned today, because God forbid men be able to be victims of anything.

[twopoppies]

Thw double standards in this fandom are nauseating. Larries are hated by everyone since 2010/11 but other shippers get a free pass?! And not just normal shippers. They really believe harry is in a relationship with their fave “men” and no one speaks. But larries are the the biggest enemy! Have you noticed this, Gina??

It’s a song as old as time.

[uniquejellyfishqueen]

my soul hurts and there are all these words needing out.

The memories won’t come all at once, and now that I realized the aura of a migraine is now connected with a memory surfacing I’m allowing all of that to happen naturally at my mind's own pace. For me they always strike the same place, my eyes. That’s sad in a beautiful way, the memories that I’m supposed to see hurt the things I need to see in the first place. Is this what they meant when they said “I was Blind but Now I See?” So far the memories that have surfaced are ones I had a sense of remembering but now I’m able to see in a more vivid light. These memories have both of my uncles in them. This also makes sense since we grew up in the same house. Ricky is older, he is also the one that has given me a lifelong skill of immediately becoming nauseated if i were to see a merry-go-round (still not sorry about your leather jacket, you asked for it.) He is also the one that took me ice skating for the first time, he was so mad that I threw a hissy fit because I refused to wear anything but my OGI bodysuit. Both of them are featured in the memory of sledding at the Beaver Dam (btw this was illegal right?) my tailbone recovered eventually because from what they said “she caught some air.” Matt was there when my mom ran off to Florida to get married, the day my kitty died, and he also taught me how to drive. The both of them also passed down the gift of music, they might not be labeled as musicians but that's another debate in itself. They know their shit on the topic and they passed it along to me. Mixed with my adhd my Spotify is like a kangaroo monkey all jacked up on MD.

Other memories unfortunately have had the pleasure of coming back on things I remember happening and honestly I wish I didn't. Cringe moments, and attacks are a freaking thing and they make you feel so gross and so unworthy that you just want to crawl into a hole and lay there until you die. Cringe moments, anxiety, depression, you know the list I’m talking about. Mental health comes in all shapes and sizes just like us little people on the game board, oops I mean our lovely Mother Earth. But just like the way we have resulted in treating each other we do the same thing with other people's mental health. But we also do it to our own feelings and mental health. We are our own biggest critic. I want to really emphasize that I know the words others have spoken to me are true, but they aren’t true for me at that moment. This sounds dumb but upon examination of myself in a better sober light I see that I have been spoiled in the fact that I expect to hear what I want, not what I need to hear from the other person. This results in me overreacting and being ignorant to people who “love” me. I can’t change things said in haste, I can’t erase things that should have never happened. But I can start to take ownership of things that I did have a hand in.

To the girls I was a cunt to from the ages of 12 to about 25 I’m sorry that I was insecure due to personal issues that I was unaware I was harboring. Not one rude thing I ever said should have been voiced. I’m sorry that I added to the slut shaming, its already a double standard so if you did get called a slut by me, Girl i hope you enjoyed the D! I'm all about female support now. Unless this were to be with someone my heart was connected to then I would be pretty mad.

To anyone that tried to help me along the way and I pushed you far enough that you walked away, I’m sorry that I couldn’t put in effort too.

There are many other apologies that I should make but there is the time where you put everyone else above yourself all the time and you stop and see that the people you have done that for wouldn’t do it for you. I can’t waste time anymore being sad and apologizing for the actions of other people when I know that deep in my heart I’m worth more than that. I do deserve better than that.