#the digression of my thought process be damned

[2chopsticks2eyes]

Don't Play Dumb

2chopsticks2eyes - Masterlist

Pairing: Lee Minho/Lee Know x Han Jisung/Han x Fem Reader

Themes: Shameless smut

Word Count: ~3.3k | AO3

Warnings: Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, Alcohol, Cussing, Oral Sex, Hand Jobs, Vaginal Fingering, Blow Jobs, Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Vaginal Sex

Summary: Minho and Jisung were living their best lives to their gayest potential. Well, at least that's what they thought before you moved in next door...

Author’s Note: This story was inspired by a request from my girl @lyramundana. I had to physically restrain myself from making this, like, 20 pages more than it is just because I told myself this was only going to be a short one-shot to put out there while I write my main stories. 😅

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Jisung always knew he was gay, he was vibing too much babygirl energy to be otherwise. Minho always knew he wasn't attracted to really anyone, however, he always had a thing for a nice set of pecs and a nice, perky ass. That is until he met Jisung and realized his 100% attraction towards the man. And the biggest plus was Jisung had a really nice ass AND pecs. Like. DAMN.

But I digress. Neither believed in love at first sight until they first locked eyes on each other. 

That was YEARS ago, and they were still as in love (if not more) as they were before.

But then one hot summer day, you moved into the flat straight across from theirs.

The two were just coming home from a romantic brunch and were already a couple of horny dogs before noon even hit. However, when they saw you struggling to move in by yourself, all it took was one look at each other and they immediately rushed over to help you despite your ramblings that you could do it yourself and weren't some damsel in distress.

They respected that, but still insisted on helping if not to speed up the process so you wouldn't turn into ashes in the summer heat and, if you were being honest with yourself, it sounded particularly preferable. So after brief introductions, the three of you set to work.

So, after these two Greek gods of men finished helping you move everything up, all of you were drenched in sweat from head to toe.

"I'd offer you something to drink, but I think I only have tap water..." You explained meekly, trying not to focus too hard on each drop of sweat that ran down their tanned skin.

They were in a similar situation.

They had watched you lift those heavy boxes like they weighed nothing and they soon found out that you were more than capable to do this yourself. But with the sun blazing and heavy lifting up two flights of stairs, they couldn't help but notice your... attributes.

You had worn just a thin tank top and some breezy shorts due to the weather, and the more sweaty you got, the more they clung to you, and the more the boys couldn't help but have their eyes wander.

They giggled and reject your offer. "Do you want to come and have a drink at our place instead?" Jisung offered sweetly.

"No no no! It's totally fine! I have to start unpacking anyway and, besides, you two have helped me out plenty today..." They couldn't help but notice the blush blooming on your cheeks as you looked down with a small smile, biting your lip to contain your shyness.

Minho wanted to coo at you for being so damned cute, but he was afraid that it would make you uncomfortable, so he refrained. 

Once Minho and Jisung returned to their own flat, Jisung turned to Minho. "Okay hyung, I know this is going to sound super weird, but was she not absolutely drop-dead gorgeous or what?!" 

"Holy shit, I know right?! Am glad I'm not the only one who noticed!" 

"Like, shit, I'd fuck her stupid if I wasn't the gayest bottom bitch there is out there!" They laughed heartily and Minho playfully swat his arm with a loud cackle.

This was why they loved each other so much, they could be completely open and honest with each other and they knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that they’d still live and die for each other.

"Speaking of bottom bitch, I believe we had some plans once we returned home if I'm not mistaken?" Minho gave Jisung a wry smile as he moved closer to place a sweet kiss on the edge of the younger man’s jaw, instantly reminding Jisung how stupidly horny he was.

Instead of answering, Jisung just decided to strip naked and get on all fours for the man right in the middle of their fucking living room carpet.

Weeks went by and, what started as simple greetings as you occasionally passed them coming and going, turned into the three of you spending time at each other's places every week for the designated 'movies and margaritas' nights.

"Okayokayokay, Ji! Truth or dare?" You questioned the round-faced man. After your third round of drinks, you all had foregone your attention to the movie on the screen in favor of playing the classic game for drunks.

"Truth..."

"Don't be such a pussy, Sungie!" Minho complained loudly.

Jisung shoved his face in front of the elder’s line of sight in retaliation. "Get over it! My answer remains the same!"

You giggled wildly even though the situation was not nearly as funny as you thought it was, but they had endeared expressions on their faces as they looked at you cackling like an idiot.

"Okay *ahem* Ji. Have you ever topped Minho?" You knew the question was pretty bold, but you had quickly become extremely familiar with these men. Besides, neither reacted poorly to the personal question.

"Sweetheart, hyung and I have been together for AGES. Do you seriously think we haven't already tried everything in the slutty book?"

"They have one of those?" You asked while giggling into your drink.

"Yeah, we wrote it," Minho smirked and winked at you while you cackled.

"Well, at least now I know that Ji knows how to fuck." You taunted said man with a wicked smile. 

"Oh, I can do a lot more than fucking, sweetheart," Jisung said in a sultry tone with a wink thrown at you. This was a common occurrence between you three, they would flirt with you while your heart was being suffocated knowing they were gay.

You visibly shivered with a blush and Minho narrowed his eyes, taking a mental note of it. "Okay, little miss dirty mind, your turn. Truth or dare." You could already see Minho brewing up a storm in his head, but you were never one to back down from a challenge.

"Dare. Hit me with your best shot, pussy cat." You said with a challenging grin on your face.

"Oh no. You shouldn't have said that. Minho's the devil incarnate. He'll seriously fuck you up." 

Minho answered his boyfriend with an amused hum. "Hmm, let's see..." He made a show about thinking about what he wanted to say as if he didn't already know. "I dare you..." Both you and Jisung waited with bated breath for the hell that was about to be unleashed. "...to french kiss both me and Sungie."

"WHAT?!" Both you and Jisung exclaimed in tandem.

"You heard me, bitches. You have to kiss these gay boy lips like you mean it, now pay up!"

Jisung breathed out a disbelieving laugh as his slack jaw hinted at a shocked smile. He turned to you to gauge your reaction, only to see that you had completely frozen in place. Their smiles instantly dropped. "Aw shit, I'm sorry, love. I was just teasing. If that makes you uncomfortable I can--" 

"No!!" You shouted, covering your mouth immediately afterward. "N-no! A dare's a dare! I'm no pussy..." At least that's what you told yourself.

Internally, your heart was racing at a thousand miles a minute as you scooched closer to Jisung. You took a deep breath and cupped his cheeks, watching his beautiful eyes go wide and his moist, plush lips part. Before you could doubt yourself any further, you dove in and planted your lips on his.

You had instantly melted as Jisung tentatively placed his hands on your waist and you furthered the instructed 'french kiss' by tangling tongues with him.

After a moment, without waiting to check their reactions, you pulled away and lunged at Minho to do the same, drinking in the taste of the alcohol on his lips. When you felt his strong hands smooth over your shirt and around to your back you slightly whimpered.

You flew back while covering your mouth and saw their wide eyes and dumbfounded looks on their faces. "Oh-oh, my god!" You scrambled to stand up. "Shit guys, I'm so sorry. I..." You couldn't stay with the humiliation any longer and, without another word, you fled from the apartment.

Jisung and Minho looked at each other with equally shocked expressions. "Are you as turned on right now as I am?" Jisung said breathily. And Minho just dumbly nodded. "Do you think she would... or would you be down for...?" There was an unspoken question there, but his soulmate already knew.

"Fuck yes." Minho threw himself on his boyfriend like a hungry wolf and proceeded to fuck him over the back of the couch until he came with a cry on his lips.

Okay... they were definitely, infinitesimally homosexual but... they never met someone like you…

Maybe they had some talking to do.

When they knocked on your door unannounced the following evening, you were shocked to say the least. "Minho? Jisung? What are you--?"

“Can we come in?” Jisung cut to the chase rather quickly and you could see the determination in his eyes. You nodded shyly, still not able to get over the fact that you made an ass of yourself the night prior.

As soon as they came in, they bracketed you and you looked up at them like a frightened animal. “G-guys… I-I’m sorry about yesterday… I didn’t mean to and we had a lot to drink and–”

“Do you like us?” Minho cut in this time and you sealed your lips. You felt a shiver run down your spine and, even though you were sure he meant it in a different way, you answered respectfully.

“O-of course I like you guys! We’re friends!” You sounded shocked that they even had to ask.

“No…” Jisung brazenly stepped closer and swept your hair over your shoulder to speak low into your ear. “Do you like like us?”

Minho moved closer on your other side as well, however, he bent down to eye level with you “Don’t play dumb baby girl. Do you have dirty little thoughts about me and Jisungie? Hm?” He tilted his head and you looked like a deer caught in the headlights as they both stared you down. “Do you imagine what it would be like having two men fuck you stupid? Is that why you asked Sungie that question?”

You didn’t know whether to tell the truth or lie out your ass but, eventually, you could only reply with a shy nod directed at your own bare feet, not trusting your mouth to be able to form words.

With your shameful face still directed towards the ground, you peeked up at their expressions. Your eyes widened when you saw identical Cheshire grins on each of their faces. “Well then, I think we should assist her with that. Don’t you think, hyung?”

“I agree wholeheartedly Sungie.”

You whipped your head up and stepped back a hair. “Woah woah woah! No need to stoop to that level, guys!  I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually!”

“Well, you see sweetheart, we've been thinking an awful lot about this. Hyung and I are in it for life, but with you…” Jisung said as he stepped an inch closer to you. “You’ve got us questioning what it would be like with a woman.” He gently trailed a finger down your arm, inducing goosebumps that they could blatantly see.

“We want to know what it’s like to make you fall apart. We want to see how to make you scream. Make you beg.” Minho trailed his gaze languidly over your body with each word and you felt like you were being crushed with all the tension in the air.

You involuntarily gasped when you felt Jisung’s soft lips press against your cheek. Soon enough, he was whispering in your ear. “That blush on your cheeks is really pretty, should I deepen it?” You felt the wet heat of his tongue press up against the tender skin under your ear and you quietly whimpered.

“It sounds like you are more than willing to experiment with us, honey. Tell us, baby. Do you want to play with us?” Minho wrapped an arm around your waist and began kissing your neck to drive his intentions forward. Also to inform you that “playing” didn’t mean you’re going to play fucking Jenga or some shit.

Instead of using words, you let your hands do the talking. You tentatively grasped their wrists and slowly led them further into the apartment. You made your answer clear enough when you brought them to your bedroom and turned around to silently face them at the foot of your bed.

Your eyes were glued to the floor and Minho cooed at you. When you looked up, the two gorgeous men were looming over you with hungry eyes. Unable to look directly into their intimidating eyes, you stared at your feet while saying, “I usually use the traffic light system…” You peeked up at them to make sure they understood. “I-is that alright for you guys?”

“Fuck yes…” Jisung said with an airy tone and stepped closer to grab the hem of your shirt. “Can I take this off, sweetheart?” Instead of answering, you removed said item and chucked it across the room, face getting hotter by the second.

“You guys can do whatever you want… I trust you…” You bit your lip but made sure to look them in the eyes as you said this. You wanted to make sure they knew you wanted this.

“You might be regretting saying that later, baby girl.” Minho groaned in a wicked tone.

Before you could prepare yourself, Minho had moved around behind you to hold your arms in place while Jisung stepped in front of you, slowly gliding his fingers over your exposed skin. “Shit, she’s gorgeous. Isn’t she hyung?”

Minho hummed low in his throat and then you suddenly felt his warm tongue glide up the side of your neck. “Tasty too.”

You didn’t know why, but the fact that they were talking about you like you weren’t even there turned you on even more. “Hmmm, where should I start?” Jisung rhetorically asked as he examined your body. Your breathing picked up when you felt his soft hands move up to slide one of your bra straps down. “Here?” You whimpered as his fingers glided over your nipple through the thin fabric.

You heard a chuckle come from beside your head where Minho had begun lazily kissing your neck and shoulder. “I think you have your answer, jagi. Go on, show us what a bottom bitch can do.”

Jisung bit his lip and gasped at his boyfriend’s provocative words, but when he looked back at you, he looked absolutely sinful. “Of course, hyung…” 

Jisung was an enigma. He was both equal parts submissive and domineering while Minho was a born and bred master. Created to have both you and Jisung on your knees for him with little to no effort.

They ravaged you properly. They kiss, licked, and sucked on almost every inch of your body except where you were aching the most for them. However, kissing them was almost just as good because those boys had an amazing set of lips on them.

When you all eventually stripped with an insane amount of teasing from them, Minho sat up against the headboard while you faced him on all fours, Jisung just behind you looking at your dripping cunt in awe.

Minho leaned forward to kiss you once more before leaning back and holding his oozing cock in place. “Suck.” He commanded, and you complied eagerly. As you took him in, you heard a low groan in his chest. “Sungie. Show me what you can do to her, yeah? Make her scream on my cock.” Minho said with labored breaths.

You weren’t able to see him, but you felt chills wrack your body when you felt the man behind you blow his hot air on your folds. You whimpered but continued on your mission to suck the life out of the man in front of you. You felt gentle fingers glide through your hair and felt Minho slowly begin to guide your head to bob on his dick.

You had to stifle a moan when you felt Jisung drag his tongue over the entire length of your pussy and then heard the smacking of his lips. “Wow, that’s a lot better than I imagined.” You squeaked when you felt a finger plunge inside you, pumping a few times before pulling it out and holding it up to Minho’s lips. “Hyung, taste her.”

You looked up at him from an awkward angle, not allowing your mouth to release him for a single moment. You whined when you watched his tongue slide over the digit before sucking it into his mouth. “Hmmm such a pretty and tasty girl, aren’t you?” 

You felt his hips slightly buck up but you refrained from gagging, instead, doubling your efforts. It was right as he let his head fall back against the headboard that you felt more fingers enter you, thrusting and moving in you at an unforgiving pace until you came violently and unexpectedly. 

When you pulled off of Minho’s cock to cry out your ecstasy, they watched you wide-eyed and hungry before you desperately fumbled for the bedside drawer to pull out a couple of condoms. “P-please fuck me… I need you inside me, Ji.”

Both of the men muttered expletives before you wrapped your mouth around Minho again and Jisung hastily opened the condom wrapper. You saw stars when you finally felt him enter you. “F-fuck, hyung…” Jisung whined as he bent over you to kiss him. “She’s so tight…”

“Fuck her real good, jagi. Open her wide for me.”

And without further ado, Jisung did just that. He grasped your hips and roughly slammed his cock inside you until he was whimpering with every breath. When he had fucked you long and proper, you came once again and Jisung was at his breaking point. “F-fuck… can I cum on you, sweet thing?” Jisung asked while smoothing his hand over your dewy back.

You released Minho’s dick, although he was also close, and you replied. “Fuck you guys can cum anywhere you like if you can fuck me this well.”

With an airy chuckle, Minho flipped you over onto your back and hovered over you. He and Jisung had traded spots so now Minho had on a condom, poised at your soaked entrance, while Jisung stood next to the bed with his now bare cock aimed at your face.

They didn’t pause for a single moment, Minho ramming you full force, devouring your neck as you quickly pumped Jisung’s cock in time with his boyfriend's thrusts next to you. It almost felt like fate when all three of you came in tandem and you held your mouth open to catch every drop of seed that Jisung had to offer you. 

Then, as if all the life was drained from the room, you all collapsed.

You all laid there in the mess for a moment to catch your breaths before they made a move. They were proper gentlemen, cleaning you and handling you with care as they tucked you in bed. “Guys?” They smiled at you with their full attention. 

“What is it, beautiful?” Jisung as he laced his fingers with yours.

“I know we need to talk and all, but can you guys just stay tonight and talk later?” You looked at them with pleading eyes and they smiled in adoration before plunging under the covers on each side of you. 

Yeah, Jisung and Minho knew they were gay, but after that day, they could confidently say they weren’t opposed to the opportunity when it was you they were considering…

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If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for reading! This is why it takes me so long to write my stories! I always want to make it into a fucking full-length book! Let me know how you liked it!

Please like, follow, and share! Thanks baby stays! 😘

2chopsticks2eyes - Masterlist

[dayziiducks]

'This ones for you'

m!crush x f!reader

when your only motivation to go to school on Monday is to see your crush's basketball game

warnings : cursing

i sighed as i walked to the washroom with my best friend, (bf/n), on a Monday morning as per usual. Unfortunately for me our school and most school things here are like 5 hours earlier than all schools so.. yippee more sleep deprivation. The only two things that keep me motivated to go to school are my friends, and my crush, (c/n).

Luckily for me we had physical education with his class today so actually had a reason to look forward to all that running. "man i wish that we could just have Mondays off it'd be so much easier.." i said to her groggily as we entered the washroom to change into our PE attire. "hmm if we did the you'd just be complaining about how you can't see (c/n) all day." "i guess that's true.. but i don't talk about him that much..ever since his dumbass went and joined basketball the girls in our cohort flock like crazy at even the slightest mention of his name..i know hot girls don't gatekeep but still." "Don't worry too much about it i'm sure you two will get together at some point it's just a matter of time." she replied playfully in attempts to reassure me. (c/n) and I get along pretty well but we never really established what we were so i'm always wondering what context he means his words in. Every time he says something that could be romantic my brain just says : he does that with all his friends, you're not special. But I digress.

We walked down to the indoor basketball court and gathered with our other classmates. And (c/n). Me being the coward that i am i avoided all eye contact knowing damn well that he'll just go ' What're you staring at.' like i'm staring at you staring at me. i didn't want him to get all cocky that i was staring at him though so i kept my glance on the floor. We then dispersed as our classmates hogged the basketballs and started playing 3 on 3. (bf/n) and I sat down on the stairs and watched as (c/n) laughed and played with the other guys. God he was so pretty. I went on my phone and started scrolling since i was so bored. i guess nothing was gonna happen today after all.

Then, a familiar voice caught my attention. "YO (y/n) ! THIS ONES FOR YOU !" (c/n) yelled as he shot the basketball into the hoop and grinned. his friends made remarks as they pat him on the back. my jaw dropped. my brain was thinking : (c/n), i love you, but OH MY FUCK ARE YOU STUPID THATS SO EMBARRASSING IM GONNA GET BULLIED AND SHOVED INTO LOCKERS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. But in real life i just yelled back "Thanks" and smiled back at him. i could practically hear all the whispers from the people around me as (bf/n) elbowed me and said "ooh looks like that 'matter of time' is gonna happen soon"

As the bell rang and i started packing up to go to geography when (c/n) came up to me and said "yo (y/n) can you help me put bandaids on my fingers ? i got a few cuts from the game." "sure, oh yeah you must be thirsty..here take my water bottle. i didn't open it yet so its fine." i replied as i walked with him to the first aid station. He drank from my water bottle as i held his hands and tended to his cuts. Even his hands were pretty..I couldn't help but feel his gaze on me the whole time which made me feel giddy inside. "Here, all done." i said as i smiled at him. "Thanks (y/n)...if you don't mind maybe you can come with me to the new library that opened up near school ? i remember you telling me how you hated (subj/n) so i thought i could help you out with it." He offered as he rubbed the back of his neck bashfully. "of course i really need help in it. And i recall you needing serious help in history. Maybe we can..help eachother?" i asked playfully "sure. we can meet up every Monday if thats okay?" he smiled at me. "fine by me" i said. "alright ! its a date." he said before running off to his next class leaving me to process what i just heard. i freaked out in my head before running off to my geography class to go tell (bf/n). Maybe i am special to him after all.

And maybe..just maybe..I’d start looking forward to Mondays too.

hii i hope you liked that i'll probably post the library date thing the day after tomorrow if you want it :) anyway please feel free to send requests since i'm having writers block rn so.

[jazeswhbhaven]

The Encounter of Two Flames | React | Spoilers

SO LOVELIES I REALLY ENJOYED THESE TWO PARTS LEMME TELL YA

Like...especially when part 6 came about???? Ahhhhh anyways let's goooo

We start with Satan rollin' and tusslin' with Sitri (who isn't being called Sitri just yet, just a devil with no name) and I'm just like damn so it's like that huh?

But I mean...why wouldn't it be? Hell is pretty much a place where anything goes so this isn't really above that with random devils being feral and attackin' folks lol

But...why did they have to say "he pinned his arms on the ground" because my brain did not see that innocently.

ANYWAYS

I know he's pretty much all instinct and no brain cells, but feral Sitri is giving me what I need. A devil at his core without direction. The thrill, the danger, all of datttt.

BUT again, I digress....(over here simpin' for feral sitri like i'm s t a r v i n g)

So it seems Satan has found this rumored devil beast and tries to talk with him, but to his surprise he is unable to speak to him in words just growls.

I like how Satan just casually comments that devils are just fucking made without proper thought. I'm sure early on he meant God and not necessarily Lilith (or honestly he could have meant both of them who knows)

So he tries to test Sitri, and was even like "should I kill you?" and Sitri ofc responds very aggressively, indicating that he can't speak but he can understand Satan. I really want to know his thought process and how he processes Satan's words though.

I know that the devil's have their own language, because it's been brought up a couple times in the side stories with Ppyong and Minhyeok with Ppyong complaining that he can't read Minhyeok's language but he can still understand him. So if Sitri can't read or talk...I wonder how it is he can understand his native tongue? Perhaps body language, that sort of thing.

Satan indirectly telling Sitri he has big D energy lolololololololol

Seriously though, he asks for Sitri to be his subordinate but he just straight up BITES him lmao

flashback to me writing about my fankid Cain biting Satan's arm too...it seems that Satan is used to this kind of reaction after all. This also was by chance I had no idea they were going to have this happen for them lol

So he's just out here chewin' and munching on his arms and then....

Apparently by drinking Satan's blood you can also see his memories. And that's an interesting fact that I shall use in my future writing later....

So it turns out that he saw a lot through Satan's blood, making it to where he even backs away from him and tries to keep his distance, Satan is just over here like "haha told you so, you can't beat me." and well he would be right. At this point he could very much get rid of Sitri in a second.

Buttt not so fast.

So Satan thanks him for killing off angels in Gehenna, and Sitri tries AGAIN to attack him and gets a swift kick in the gut. It seems our feral boi just won't let up just yet. Satan even brings up the fact that Sitri may be pissed that he saw that there are other devils he simply can't defeat.

He even calls him out by saying Sitri does like him he just doesn't know how to process everything at the moment. He offers to show him more.

Oh my.

So Satan does the craziest thing (his poor red lump friends are freaking out this entire time btw) and pulls out his fucking heart! So ya'll who guessed that it was Satan's heart were in fact correct. It appears that devil's hearts are just smaller versions of themselves, which is a cool concept instead of looking like a human heart. Which I mean yes that would make sense a devil's heart would be different.

The reason Satan even did this though, is because Sitri has to see and accept his blood properly, straight from the source of his heart/core. And I'm just like this is so badass when you really think about it because I imagine if the other Kings had found Sitri first it would go very different and Satan is just like "yah drink my blood it's all good, we're bonding"

also this cg is very pretty like sunset/sunrise in the backgroun, satan's pretty pink hair, that little fang...ahhhhhhhhh

He's makin' us fall in love with him all over again ain't he?

Feral Sitri is thinking very deeply about taking the offer of biting into Satan's heart...it's really just wild to me though that this was his life prior to what we're seeing now. Just living off the land, killing, with raw power??? I mean...just from this lore alone we know that Sitri is really fucking strong, and I wonder if he's the strongest noble out of all the countries. That's something to think about. (i mean he did fucking set all of gehenna on fire from being depressed so...)

So Feral Sitri takes a bite, and well...it's a night and day difference when he does!!

The information processes so much I think I would personally go mad from having to do that but Sitri is doing well. He learns about the Kings, Hell, how it all ties together, Satan being the one to run front and center of it all.

He calls him "Master" and even starts crying and stuff.

Ya'll this entire time I could only think about this....

Also the scene where he and Lestat first exchange blood.

Phew....like Sitri being all submissive and level headed just gives me vibes from this movie (and show)

I'm sorry ya'll I'll stop LMAO (the music in the background in the event didn't help)

But yes, Sitri is totally tamed now after seeing Satan's full self, memories, and that he is going to forever be his devil. His right hand, ride or die, basically everything. And thus why we see that he has so much devotion for Satan and values his opinion.

OH SO SATAN NAMED HIM SITRI

And Sitri says it back to which the red lump devils blush when hearing him say it. (I love these little guys they are adorable)

Satan goes to say that he liked him upon first meeting him and that he wants him to stay by his side, learn to read and fight, and he mentions for Levi to raise him???

And me and the devils and Sitri are like???? Satan what? who?

LOL NOT LEVI COMIN' IN WITH THE INSULT

and Satan is like "You can't call me that unless you're Mammon"

w h

a t

Turns out Mammon is there too.

there goes my theory that he was trapped.....

So I was way off, it seems that this happened after Mammon's origin story which would have me believe that it's possible that Mammon is older than Satan, and possibly older than Levi, but not older than Beel and Lucifer. And technically since Belphie is still asleep, who knows how old he is. Me trying to figure out this timeline has me running in circles lol

So Levi and Mammon are there because they were trying to get Sitri first...perhaps Leviathan just wanted Sitri for his own reasons, and Mammon wanted him just because and I assume Bimet wasn't an adult just yet to be his right hand devil at this time.

Satan is feeling dizzy and requested a healing devil, Mammon is just like "ah hell you're cute I'll help you."

screaming because this is pretty much why i love their dynamic and why Astra is in a polyship with them...

Levi was just gonna let his ass pass out. lmao Instead he's bitching about how Satan is requesting him to "raise this filthy beast" and not hand him over (Levi calls Sitri an "it" but that's to be expected with his rude ass lol)

And Satan is like "I'll invade Hades if you don't" and I'm laughing my ass off because that's such a Satan thing to say.

And Levi just kinda scruffs Sitri like a cat and is like "Ugh he stinks" and Mammon is happy that Levi is listening to Satan and wants to pat his head and Levi ofc is pissed and saying for Mammon to back the fuck up.

Even back then Leviathan is just taking names and dishing out the heat. He's only listening because he finds it annoying if he lets Satan just raid out Hades like that.

The red lumps assume that it's because Satan is strong and would win, but-

Levi. Bro. Sir. P L E A S E lmaoooooo

I'm crying.

But Satan tells a struggling Sitri that since he found him first to make sure he comes back and stays strong while under Levi.

Levi is just out here having the time of his life though just scruffin' Sitri, and treating him like some object or weapon which okay I guess Levi go off.

"I may invade Gehenna to get my hands on this thing once I unlock its abilities"

*EYE ROLL*

Don't say that about Sitri. I'll box you.

The babies. Mammon probably was just holding him like :)))) look at this cute devil that I own. So small, so delicate...

I love them your honor.

Then some time later....Foras is doing his whole thing and saying that a devil wants to request an audience with Levi.

Ya'll do you see how annoyed he is already like goddamn what were you doing that was so important?

But he knows it's Sitri that wants to see him....and well it seems that we will learn on part 7 what he wants!!!

So the reason that part 6 was my favorite is obvious, because ya'll saw me going ham on those gifs and enjoying the interaction with the Kings once again meeting up in one area. It really just has me knowing that their "friendships" are that far back...and their dynamics will always stay the same. Levi always giving empty threats, Satan being headstrong, Mammon in the back just being casual and observing while patronizing his peers without knowing that's a bad thing to do lol

But I'm one step closer to figuring out this timeline ya'll...it's still far but I'm getting there slowly...this is one of the times I actually care about lore timelines even though my fic doesn't really follow it anyways. (it's important though for my fankid au)

But yeesss I'll see ya'll on the next react! I'm stacking 'em up again so it will be day 7 and 8 the next go around.

[sunflowerscottie]

While I’m sad that there wasn’t an Agatha/Rio kiss in tonight’s episode, I did enjoy the flashback. I was really hoping we’d get to see Agatha’s delusion from an outside perspective and I’m so glad they gave it to us! I was absolutely cackling the whole time that was happening. Unsurprisingly, all of my favorite parts involved Agatha in some way, shape, or form. The real surprise was seeing Ralph Boehner, which was fantastic and I cannot believe it didn’t leak (or if it did, I didn’t see it).

I know people are probably upset about the focus of this episode, but Billy’s backstory does give important context to his motivations (finding Tommy via the Road) as well as showing how he came to be Billy Maximoff in Billy Kaplan’s body and all of the emotional beats that go along with that. It was sweet seeing him with Boyf (Eddy, who does not appear to be Hulkling…? But I digress). It was also fascinating to see that Billy came into contact with every single witch in the coven at some point before their “first” interactions with him and Agatha. Lilia’s sigil prevented them from recognizing him though, which makes me wonder if they’ll recognize him now that it’s broken and if that will change the coven dynamics even further.

There’s no way that Jen and Lilia are dead, but Agatha is sure letting him think that. She’s testing him, in my opinion. Agatha wants to see how he’ll handle potentially being responsible for someone’s death, especially since he was so damning when it was her killing someone. Thus far, from what little we saw, he doesn’t show that much remorse, he’s too focused on the argument with Agatha. I am wondering how she pulled herself out of the muck when the other two didn’t, but maybe it’s because she was aware and fighting the whole time, rather than under Billy’s control.

Final thought: Agatha, where is your wife.

Rio was still missing from the action, and Agatha…didn’t seem concerned. Is it because she knows it takes time for Rio to reap someone? Is there, like, a processing period? Is Jac Schaeffer still trying to be careful about letting Aubrey Plaza too far off the leash? (We all know my opinion on that: Let her run.) Hopefully we’ll find out in the next episode because I am absolutely dying for more of that sweet, sweet chemistry.

(To clarify, I do wish that the first queer kiss in Agatha’s show had involved Agatha herself, but I also understand that realistically, Agatha and Rio aren’t quite there yet as far as character development, and I’d rather let Jac Schaeffer cook because it is, in my experience, delicious. I’m not worried, I trust that we’ll get the kiss at the right time for the characters, when it will have the most meaning and most impact.)

And now for another week of waiting.

[neptune-scythe]

Do you ever think about how Kaz making sure Inej is reunited with her brother is so he doesn't have to deal with his own grief?

Hear me out

Obviously he cares about Inej and wants her to have her family back and that's his main focus, or at least his main focus consciously

But here's the thing

They're mirrors of each other. Two people who lost brothers, Kaz's is gone forever ... But inej's is still out there (probably). Now we all know Kaz has never dealt with his grief, and probably barely even acknowledges it, mostly because he doesn't know how. That's not something people just ... Know how to do, grief is a process and if you don't have a single other person to help you or even be the slightest bit supportive it's going to be nearly impossible to grieve in a healthy way. Let alone being in a constant state of survival mode having to watch your back all the time because you're a kid in a very dangerous place and pretty much ever single person is an enemy, or at least not someone trustworthy or helpful. But I hella digress my bad

My point is Kaz hasn't dealt with the loss of his brother (why have I not used his name once? Bitch idfk my bad Jordie you deserve better bestie), which was a meaningless death. And by that I mean Jordie didn't sacrifice himself for some cause, he wasn't a casualty of a greater issue ... He just died. Because that what people do.

And especially for a kid who's all alone with not a single soul left on the earth who gives a damn about him, that's a pretty tricky concept to grasp. That your whole world, the most imporant person in your life could just die ... Just be completely gone in a moment. Thus why Kaz immediately blames Pekka and devotes his life to revenge, even though Pekka was only indirectly involved in Jodie's death. But blaming Pekka gives his death a meaning, it means there's something he can do to make it mean something.

Once again super digressed from my main point whoopsieeee. Hope y'all are enjoying the wild ride of my thoughts rn (I'm literally just stream of consciousness writing this shit, and for shits and giggles imma leave it that way no edits this is a first draft post you're welcome)

N E WAY

Jodie's death WAIT A SECOND HOW MANY TIMES HAS IT AUTOCORRECTED TO JODIE 💀

I'll never know because I'm not rereading this shit

Anyway

JORDIE's death meant nothing, and Kaz's revenge on Pekka didn't give it meaning either ... Which he probably knew deep down that it wouldn't. But those are the kinds of thoughts we ✨silence✨ because we need the rage for vengeance to keep us alive and doing things.

Now back to Inej and Harij.

Reuniting them will for Kaz make his own situation mean something (in my opinion don't at me these my head canon thoughts). That even though he can't bring his own brother back, he can bring back hers. And knowing that they're together will make his own grief a little easier to bear. It balances it out, if you will.

Two brothers lost, one brother found. Good math

OK BUT ALSO HAVE YOU CONSIDERED

Harij is Inej's younger brother

So consider Kaz is doing it as much for him as for Inej. He's making sure another little boy (he's obviously not a little boy anymore but like ... He was 12 ((idk how old he'd be know)) and that's plenty young) doesn't have to lose his older sibling forever.

And also consider

Kaz knows he doesn't deserve Inej, he knows he most likely won't always have her ... And more importantly she won't always have him.

He won't always be able to protect her, to keep her safe. But her brother could. Her brother could be there for her and her support her and even do a far better job (probs idk what bros personality is like but I bet Kaz Brekker is assuming shit too) than Kaz could. So by reuniting her with her brother he's making sure she's taken care of, that even if he lets her down, she'll never be alone.

Because real talk her

Y'all are allowed to have your head canons and shit I am NOT gatekeeping

But canonically Kaz Brekker is not the jealous or possessive type. If Inej wanted to leave him for someone else he'd be upset yeah but he's knows full well Inej is a living Saint and worth far more than he could ever deserve in a billion lifetimes, and he's also far more concerned with her happiness and well-being than what she can provide for him.

So he'd be satisfied being away from her, not knowing a single thing about her life, as long as he knows her brother is there with her.

He doesn't need to take care of her, he just needs to know that she is taken care of.

I rest my case

Send tweet

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk 🫡

(addition because I did actually reread it and damn I somehow forgot my entire point???

So yeah

About him using reuniting Harij and Inej as a way to avoid dealing with his grief.

It's like this

Brother dies

Kaz goes straight to revenge, never actually processes any of it, just jumps straight into making Pekka pay for it ... Which tbh is dealing with it in a sense but it's in a very passive way of going straight to doing without ever processing ... If that makes sense.

And that's repaying violence with violence, which leads to more violence. It's a cycle of destruction that Kaz is playing into, which is very hard to get out of once it starts.

But reuniting Harij and Inej is a break in that cycle. It's Kaz using his own pain as motivation and incentive to do something that will heal others. And making sure that neither Inej nor Harij get caught in the same cycle as Kaz did, it's using his own knowledge of that cycle to protect others from it. And more specifically, he doesn't know how to heal himself, he doesn't know how to move on or process and grieve, he doesn't know how to leave the cycle ... So he's helping Inej and Harij heal from their pain instead, and making sure they never enter the cycle.

Because he probably is well aware that revenge isn't the healthiest way to channel grief (but bro doesn't care because Pekka needs to be put in his place and we stan him for that), but channeling it into helping someone he loves is healthy.

And real talk here

Kaz probably believes he will never move on or heal from Jordie's death. Thus him being trapped in the ouroboros of suffering ... And go with me here.

If we view the ouroboros (snake eating its own tail if y'all don't know) as a literal scenario Kaz is trapped in, it's a mental prison basically, and one he has accepted that he will never leave. His fate is sealed, and he can't do anything to save himself from that.

BUT even if he can't ever break out of the ouroboros, he can keep others out, he can't save himself but he can save others from being trapped there as well.

And because of this he won't have to deal with the fact that he's trapped, he can focus all his energy on keeping others out ... And it gives it meaning. That even though he's trapped forever and can't do anything for himself, he can do something for other people because of it. Because the only way to avoid the ouroboros is if someone inside warns you.

That was a wild metaphor I hope that made sense lol

Also once again these are my head canons and I wrote it from Kaz's perspective so to speak, so when I say things like He cAn NEVer HeAl that's because that's what he thinks (imo) not what is objectively true. Healing is absolutely possible and bro can get it he just doesn't know it yet.)

[lackadaisycats]

Hi, Tracy! Been an admirer of your work for years, and I wholeheartedly believe that Lackadaisy changed my life in some ways – so much so that I've picked my chosen name after one of your characters. I could go on for much longer about how much I appreciate your art and how it's impacted me, but I digress.

Recently, drawing hasn't been as fun as it used to be. It's not that i'm not proud of it, I really do like how it looks. But at this point it feels more of a chore. Instead of something I would do often whenever inspiration struck, it's something that I'll make myself do because it's the only skill that I've ever honed in this lifetime and I'll be damned if I let the only thing that I'm good at go to waste. That mindset isn't very good for a person, evidently.

In summary, I no longer find any joy in making art, and it's devastating. Are there any words of wisdom that you could possibly offer?

Thank for everything :)

That it was perhaps in some way life-changing for you - well, that's quite a bit of knowledge to absorb. I'm very touched and honored to read that. However rough things are out there in the world now, I hope you are thriving…or at least doing pretty okay!

I'd say if you aren't beholden to anyone but yourself for the artwork, then set it aside for a time. It's okay to do that. The creative process is not just the act of sketching, the handiwork and rumination over a specific idea, the laboring over the drawing. It's also the space in-between where you are out exploring and experiencing the world in grand and in minute and intimate ways, running it through your unique filters, discovering the things - and the thoughts and feelings about those things - that inspire you to make art to begin with. Perhaps that's the phase you need to be in now.

Granted, embracing that may be easier said than done. We exist in a society that doesn't care to acknowledge the need for ebb and flow. We're all conditioned to affix our sense of value and identity to being being ceaselessly productive. Needing to step back and rest is treated like some kind of moral failing. Even when some outside party isn’t judging us, we are judging ourselves in this way. It's ridiculous, but it's something I struggle with too. It might require a concerted and conscientious effort to go out and play, but I'd say that's probably what you ought to do if you can. The impulse and inspiration will tend to return. Just take a moment to stoke the embers.

[davnittbraes]

Hi Davnitt!

Are there any tidbits you can share with us about the soulmate AU you’re working on? I’m sure I’m not the only one very excited about the prospect!

Well, the first thing I can share is pretty obvious -

It’s taking me TOO DAMN LONG TO FINISH. *shakes fists at my own brain*

Hmm what else can I share… how about -

The idea for the physics of the soulmate connection (via music, that’s all I’ll say because #spoilers) smacked me upside the head out of nowhere, fully-fledged. It was one of those Moments of Inspiration™️ - the kind where it’s like an external force grabs you by the chin and says LOOK. HERE IT IS. And it’s there. Everything is there. From start to finish, an entire concept down to the last detail.

I can’t speak for all writers, but for myself, it’s those moments that I’m always chasing. Everything else is a grind, a constant process, working through plot holes and “what ifs” and such. But those moments? It’s like someone opens your brain and dumps an entire encyclopedia into it. It’s an incredible feeling. Like learning the solution to every puzzle ever all at once.

Anyways. Digressing.

So this concept of soulmates through music hit me, and I immediately wanted to write it. But I wanted to challenge myself at the same time, write outside of the little corner that I’m comfortable in, and also try to do something different.

So.

A soulmate concept is inherently beautiful and intimate and profound.

I thought - of all the Pedro boys, which one exists in the least whimsical/magical/romantic era?

And Javi P reluctantly raised his hand.

With that came the idea of another challenge for myself - a romantic interest who is just as jaded, just as world-weary, as Javi, and also just as closed off to any sort of meaningful connection. Someone who has been through deeply tragic personal loss, fought against The System for too long, and resigned themselves to being alone because it’s just… easier.

What happens when fate brings the two of them together?

So. That’s that. Oh, also, since the fic is set after Narcos - I’m having so much fun writing in the early 2000s era. Y2K?? CD stores?? Pre-qwerty texting?? All of it. Amazing. I miss it. Not really. Kinda? No. Okay - McDonald’s pizza, I legitimately miss that.

[bronx-bomber87]

Had some free time this Saturday thought get another review in. <3

We Move onto Episode 6 of S1 in this series re-watch.

1x06 'The Hawke'

Ep begins the ep with a Tim Test for Lucy. (It really started with a Cold open of her flipping their car with them both in it LOL) But I digress haha She’s passing his questions with flying colors. That is until he asks 'What is the most important part of this guys file?' She gets it wrong and he of course corrects her with the start of his lesson.

Tim is questioning her skills to out think a crook. Not only that but to think like one does. The goal is to see if they can’t find out where he hides his contraband. Lucy naturally is ready to prove him wrong. To get in there and find what they need. To win this current lesson of his. Tim always with the hard ass reply to her. Telling her she’s not used to being in such a mindset. That if she wants to be a good cop she’s gonna have to think like a crook a little. Or as he put it 'Outlaw'

Ahh Protective Tim. My fav. Smacking this perv in the back of the head for making lewd comments toward Lucy. Telling him to learn some respect. Doesn't even let him look at her after that. He's trying to teach her a lesson not have this guy ogle Lucy in the process. I do enjoy Tim teaching her the D.E.A.R search method. A tactic used to help find where repeat offenders hide things. Fun to watch how he uncovers everything with each letter. She’s dutifully writing it all down. She’s eager to soak it all up until they get to ‘R’ LOL

Poor Lucy at the mercy of being a rookie. Also at the mercy of this current lesson of his. She’s so repulsed at the idea of having to do the ’R’ of this method. Did her best to try and get out of it. Tim just gives her his patented hard ass look and she knows she is defeated on this one. Walks away resigned with her gloves.

Her face when she walks back out after doing ‘Repulsive’ if looks could kill....She’s so damn mad at him for making her do that. Not only making her do that but he found the stash while she did. Tells him like it is per usual, but he’s too damn giddy to let it get to him. Acting like he's done nothing wrong to her with his 'What?'

He proceeds to soak up this moment some more. That smile on his face. God he genuinely loves getting under her skin so much. Teaching her a lesson while enjoying himself on the side. Look at that man’s face LOL he is legit so happy she’s disgruntled about this. This is so much fun for him. You are enjoying yourself way too much Timothy haha

No gif for the scene with them chasing Hawke in their shop sadly, its too bad it's a good one. It sets up their final scene of the ep. Tim/Lucy are chasing Hawke with the others. Talking about how they’re gonna find him and take him down without his son being harmed. Tim mentions how they’ve turned all the lights green. Which means they’re funneling him toward them and he won't realize it till its too late. She calls him the D.E.A.R method incarnate. Which I’m sure Tim is taking as a compliment.

Lucy tells him he must have a tactic for everything. He replies to her "Yeah probably' She then grills him on how he would handled being robbed at gunpoint. He tells her he has a fake empty wallet. He would drop that first before pulling his piece. She’s intrigued and asks where he keeps his actual money and cards. Tells her in a money clip behind his belt. Lucy is bemused and calls him weird haha They’re so cute.

Mini moment here. Lucy trying to help Tim’s wounded pride (or so he thinks) with a sweet touch and a look. He’s clearly embarrassed Hawke took him and John down so quickly. We find out later why she really did this. To gain access to his money clip. But I shall take the touch/look none the less. haha

Best part of the episode right here. Once again Lucy returning fire on Tim in the best way possible. By taking what Tim taught her and frankly tortured her with earlier to prank him back. Now it’s her turn to be enjoying herself too much. The amount of enjoyment she's getting out of teasing him is glorious.

He's genuinely so confused at her response. Wondering why she is telling him about him cleaning the dishes. It cracks me up so hard. He's not sure where she is going with his and he's annoyed she's one taken his clip and two is taunting him. Then she delivers the one two sucker punch of a line to him, and it all becomes clear.

Throwing back his words at him once again. She is so damn proud of herself when she tells him might want to ‘glove up.’ The sass and fire she throws his way is unreal. Regardless of where Tim is emotionally still with Isabel. This is a work flirt on top of getting him back that just happened right here. Eric/Melissa's chemistry on full display.

Tim can’t decide if he’s angry or just really damn impressed with her. I’m leaning more towards impressed. She took what he taught her and got back at him for having her ‘glove up.’ This is brilliant and it’s written all over his face. He’s more impressed she pulled this off than anything else. She’s the clear winner of the day and all he can do is smile and concede that she got she got him real good. Adorable. I love them so much.

~~~~

Side notes I do love Tim questioning when Nolan does anything remotely cool like hang out with Hawke LOL Tim seems slightly underwhelmed with him at all times haha makes me laugh. Sorry John hahaha

I love any and all Capt. Zoe scenes. I forget how much I love her every time I watch her scenes. They gave her a rich background and solid important scenes whenever she graced our scenes.

Cracked me up Talia just walking in and pepper spraying Hawke while he tries to school Tim and Nolan. Lucy backing her up with her taser after Hawke took both down LOL Got too cocky and the girls made him pay ha

Thank you to these incredible blogs for the beautiful gifs to help me relay my thoughts and insights.

chenfordsource

Thesweetnessandthesarcasm

chenfordgifs

Feel free to as always like/comment/reblog as you'd like. Truly enjoy sharing my thoughts with you all. Making this hiatus more bearable and you all doing those things make my heart happy hehe See you all in 1x07 when I post it.

[yeehawbvby]

FAWY Minis | Ch. 5 (Magnus Rasmodius POV)

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Notes: This one’s during the flower dance chapter, as well as 18 and 19!

I never really considered Magnus’ inner dialogue much, mostly just focusing on magicky stuff with him, so I wanted to play around with that. I feel like he’d be a bit insecure, maybe even anxious, when it comes to fitting in, romance, etc. He’s just good at hiding it. I tried to portray that a bit.

Btw, g/n = grandpa’s name. Wasn’t sure if y’all would want a named grandpa or to insert your own grandpa in there, so I kept it customizable to be safe!

I hope you enjoy x

[If you're new here - hi! Please see chapter 18 of the main story (below) for a visual reference to the wizard - I refer to a modded version throughout the fic!! I do recommend you read at least up to chapter 31 of the main story before reading this though, so as to avoid spoilers.]

Falling Away With You (main story)

Check it out on ao3!

Prev | Next

It’s her.

It’s… it’s actually her.

I’d overheard the discussion of a new resident moving onto Mooncrest during one of my periodic visits to Gus’ kitchen. I’d heard the assumptions — which I now know to be true, given her appearance — that it was going to be (g/n)’s granddaughter. 

How could I not have foreseen how significant she would be to me, though?

Oftentimes the spirits give me somewhat of a hint, a little spark of my senses to let me know if something important is happening. Something worth looking into. Something like this, damn it. A wee reminder to not only be more aware of the world around me outside of my work, but to perhaps take the time and effort to foresee what’s to come in my near future.

I feel a subtle vibration in my fingers. 

Are they toying with me? Is that what this is?

Feeling the zaps of their rebuttal through my limbs, I come to the conclusion that they are. 

But… why wait..?

More tingling. 

That was rhetorical, you obviously can’t answer m—

One last buzz, and I feel the spirits’ presence fade. Sigh.

Cheeky little phenomena, they are. I can only hope to ever commune with them in a plane of existence where we can see one another. For now… I might as well be a loon, telepathically speaking with invisible sprites that communicate through touch above all else.

…As though this scenario as a whole — now paying particular attention to not just my potential daughter, but my soulmate as well, all from a row of particularly bountiful bushes — makes me any less of a loon.

I shake the feeling that I’m being strange and that this is probably unnecessary , and I focus on the task at hand. I still am keen on determining whether or not I’ve any relation to Abigail. No use giving up now that I’m here.

My eyes flit to the girl, her hair as vibrant as my own. She’s laughing with her friends, tentatively sipping the punch I saw Pamela spiking with cheap liquor earlier.

I wish I could get close enough to see if there’s any bit of an arcane link connecting us. I desire answers, damn it, not to spend every chance I get contemplating my lineage while hiding just out of view.

I shut my eyes, rubbing them with a thumb and forefinger. 

Just when I believe I can calm my high emotions, my mind wanders to another circumstance that’s haunted me for years. Not nearly as many, but I digress. 

For Abigail to be friends with Sebastian was not exactly improbable, but it is funny, in an ironic way.

Of course Abigail would befriend my former apprentice. One I was rather fond of, at that.

I observe him for a moment. It’s rare to see him in anything brightly colored, aside from occasions such as this, where it’s a requirement. He looks quite handsome, if I do say so.

Is it silly of me to wonder if he’s ever thought the same of me? Is this just another instance of my insecurities controlling my thought process? Or is that a normal thing to think about, and I’ve merely forgotten, given how long it’s been since my last romantic endeavor?

That’s unimportant, I suppose.

Although… he must’ve had some reason for abruptly halting his apprenticeship with me. 

Perhaps to him I was no more than some wretch living in a tower, far from Pelican Town’s main population for reasons unbeknownst to him. He could have asked, of course, but I wouldn’t exactly put it against him to keep his opinions to himself. I mean, look at me. I don’t resemble any of these townsfolk, do I? And of course here I am, spying on them rather than partaking in their activities firsthand, and I spend most of my time in my home when I could be out here socializing, and I’m sure my lack of socialization with non-elementals could be off-putting.

Sure, those who know of me don’t typically enjoy my presence, but…

I don’t know.

God. Now I’m a loon who’s spying and in a vicious pit of self-hatred that I buried myself in from the outskirts of the event.

Lovely.

Perhaps I should go… I’m not being very productive in my research anyway.

I chance one last look towards our newest farmer. I feel another tingle. A pull to her that’s far too tempting to succumb to. As though I want to just leap onto the field and say something to her. Anything.

How do I even go about getting closer to someone I’ve no reason to commune with? Marie worked at a shop, so it was quite easy to befriend her. The others… I had nary a clue where they were or what they were doing. This is an entirely new situation for me.

The farmer’s eyes flicker to mine. I feel the same thunderous commotion in my limbs and my belly as I did when Marie and I first met. God above, this girl has the same bright flush to her cheeks, the same gentle yet piercing gaze… which is… on me…

Oh. 

Shit.

My eyes widen, as do hers. 

She appears to be just as compelled to gravitate to me as I am to her. She takes half of a step forward before looking around at the townspeople and securing herself back in her corner. Thank goodness. If she were to come over here, it would only draw more suspicion as to why the resident recluse in the woods is staring at all these people…

“I know that look, Mag.”

I let gaze shift to Linus’ as his words resonate in my head and can practically feel my irises’ change of hue. I’ve been caught by him as well. Thank the spirits he’s a friend — he knows why I’m here.

“You do indeed.”

“So, (y/n), huh?”

Is that her name, then? It’s lovely…

“Yes,” I answer.

“Is it an attraction, or do you think she’s..?”

“Absolutely. Both.”

“Better get going before you freak her out, then.”

“As if I haven’t already, you know damn well she’s looking at me right now .”

He grins huffs out a silent chuckle before turning to face the dancers once more. “I’m just saying, you could be a tad bit more subtle, boy. Go.”

I sigh. I can still feel (y/n)’s eyes boring into me as I teleport back home, feeling morose rather than embarrassed.

Later in the evening, I succumb to my desire to more formally meet her and go through the lengthy, exhausting process of searching into the future. 

I’m overjoyed to learn that she’ll come to me. That is far less pressure. It gives me time to prepare, too. To look more presentable, or clean, or… I don’t know. I know I can’t prevent the inevitable, but I don’t want to make the process unenjoyable for either of us, obviously. 

When (y/n) eventually does arrive, I’m delighted to learn that not only is she an absolutely lovely being inside and out, but she’s magically inclined as well. I use this as a cover for her impulses to visit my tower:

“One may grow connected to the elements — hence, why you were so heavily drawn toward my abode over time,” I tell her.

It’s not entirely deceitful, and the last thing I want to do is scare her by proclaiming that our destiny brought us to this very moment. 

I lean into being “old” and “wise” as well, referring to her and other townspeople of roughly her age as “young.” I overdo it though, I believe, as she calls me out on it. I don’t take any issue in revealing my true age given I’d likely be closer to her age — maybe a decade or so older — if I were a human. 

I catch her staring a few times throughout our first meeting. I’ve no way to discern whether it’s due to attraction, or if she’s merely judging me, but it piques my curiosity either way. I probe her thoughts a few times for good measure — which (y/n) calls me out on as well, so I know now that I must show restraint. It’s mostly habitual, and I say that much. She understands.

She seems exceptionally sweet and caring. Awfully curious, for sure. A little strange too, but who am I to judge? I’m rather strange myself. And she’s funny, to boot, unless it’s my own giddiness leading me to assume so.

When she leaves, I’m sure to give her a proper send off. Perhaps it’s dramatic, but I’m inclined to believe she enjoys how eccentric this situation as a whole has been. She seemed awfully giddy herself, at times.

“There are many adventures ahead for you and I,” I project before she wanders too far. “I truly look forward to your company, (y/n).”

[itookyoudown]

hi can I ask for more about your Ava thoughts?

hello yes hi i'd love to talk about more of my Ava thoughts while i'm still all up in my Ava feels.

Ava is such an odd character for me because she's as fascinating as she is frustrating. not a comfort character not the character i project not even the character i want to study like a bug not a blorbo not an anti-blorbo.

rather she's ... i don't know what Ava is too me. i have spent years processing her and thinking about her and i'm still not done doing it.

i have both sympathy and empathy for her (i too have been in bad relationships and escaped them) but i also refuse to let the self-recognition i see blind me to her faults and failings.

my feelings for Ava are about as wishy-washy as she is herself and are constantly in motion and shifting depending on which season or episode i've rewatched recently, simply because Ava is a top-tier portrayal of the Imperfect Victim and during the show even starts using what power she cobbled together to hurt others. she's complex and even indiscernible in some regards. she's both strong and admirable yet she's also pathetic and deplorable.

the circles of history etc etc.

i don't even particularly like Ava yet i also respect her character immensely and she's one of my favorite fictional women based not on vibes or her archetypes but rather her role in the narrative and the way she was written. Justified wouldn't be Justified without her presence. it even pisses me off that Ava wasn't introduced as a main character in her own right considering how the show ends with the narrative being shared between her, Raylan, and Boyd's viewpoints. but i digress!!

Ava is ... complicated for me. i love her sometimes and i hate her other times and that makes her a very Human character. i can't quite pin one feeling or take on her character, she's too big for a single label to fit on her.

i both cheer for her and boo for her. she bamboozled me during my first watch of the show and i also bought into the #outlawqueen #girlboss bullshit fantasy she was trying to live yet Ava is way more interesting outside of those empowerment fantasies. Ava stands up for herself and becomes her own hero in the end, sure, but upon rewatches of the show it becomes damn heartbreaking to see her actually depower herself with the way she sticks herself to a man. she's desperate she flails around she makes such poor ass choices it's mind boggling.

yet that's what makes her so great too.

i wanted her to escape Harlan alive (because she deserves it because no one deserves to die) because the good person in me wants her to survive to be free. and yet sometimes i almost wanted her back in prison (because she allied with Boyd and profited off the suffering of others same as he did, she sold out her home and stood on the backs of her people and parroted Boyd's hypocrisy) because the bad person in me wants her punished the wrongs she committed, even if i know two wrongs don't make right even if i understand the whole prison system is bullshit.

because Ava is such a Human character she brings out those conflicting an contradictory human responses in me.

but overall i'm happy her story ended the way it did and i'm glad Ava exists as a character, we needed more fictional women like her. Ava getting her fresh start out in California with her son while also having to hide for the rest of her life and NOT being able to live as herself was a very fitting end. it's so western-coded it's delicious.

anyways i don't know where i went with this but thanks for walking with me through it.

Ava Crowder née Randolph girl you are SO blonde and such a hot mess yet on a big brain meta-level i do adore you truly, i do 🖤

[waitingformy-fanfiction]

Welp, it’s your unlucky day, because my counterpart is at a party, so I’m going to scream at all of you about Alexsandr Kallus.

Star Wars: Rebels spoilers ahead, obviously.

I just…love this character, y’all. The trauma? The guilt?? The redemption??? The complexity???? I absolutely cannot be normal about it so let me break down my entire thought process.

When we first meet this guy, he is one nasty Imperial bastard. I mean, if you haven’t seen Rebels, take it from me; this guy is a dick. But unlike most nasty Imperial bastards, he doesn’t seem to be in it for power, glory, or some sick sense of satisfaction he gets from hurting others. He’s just an absolute simp for the Empire. In fact, I’m coining the word Simperial right here right now just for my boy Alex. He seems to genuinely believe he’s on the right side, and as we find out later, he actually does have some reason to believe this. I mean, imagine you’re a little baby Simperial, the people you admire have been telling you that the rebellion is made up up savage maniacs who want to destroy the order of your nice, peaceful galaxy, and then you watch a rebel mercenary kill a bunch of injured and helpless members of your unit in cold blood, confirming everything your superiors have been telling you. And I could write a whole other post about how much I love Saw Guererra’s rebels and what they add to the story but that’s not what this is about. This is about why Kallus is the absolute worst. Which he is, by the way. Mans simped so hard for the Empire he massacred an entire species, not because he’s evil or wanted to cause suffering, but because he—not unlike Saw’s rebels my beloveds but I digress—was convinced that the ends justified the means.

So he believes he’s on the right side. He believes that the absolute atrocities he’s committed are justified. Then, in The Honorable Ones, we see that belief start to fracture. Now, lot of people talk about this episode like it’s Kallus’ redemption, but it’s not. It’s only the beginning—not even the beginning. He’s still very much a villain at this point. But the wheels have started turning, and some time between The Honorable Ones and An Inside Man, his actual redemption arc begins. Now listen, listen, listen, everyone always talks about how Kallus defected from the Empire, but he didn’t just defect; he actively betrayed the Empire. He didn’t just walk away. He didn’t have a sudden change of heart and make one grand sacrifice to right his wrongs. He intentionally and repeatedly put himself on the line for the rebellion, knowing damn good and well what kind of torturous fate he would face if and when he was discovered. That’s a goddamn redemption arc right there. And you wanna know my favorite part? He never asks for forgiveness. He. Never. Asks. For. Forgiveness!!!

Anyway I’m absolutely feral over Star Wars: Rebels and I accidentally busted my knuckles open while writing this might delete later ok bye.

[etherealascend]

hii it's unorcadox ^_^ how does your editing process work!!! like how do you choose what images to use, how to combine them, how to get the right "feel" etc. 👀 very curious abt ur answer

Damn, great question! Also, love your edits, Orca! (also a bit jelous abt your productivity, wish i had so many great ideas) So i present to you: a wall of text! (cw really long!)

So, many people see a great base image and then immideately get an idea of what they wanna do w/ it. I'm not like that, i ususally have an idea of an edit in mind, and then search for sometimes a few hours for a base image that may work. I have a whole tutorial-worthy process of how i always find what i need, but i digress… Most of the times, tho, i get something better than what i had in mind. I love this process, cause it's like tresure hunting for me. (ofc it's not always like that, just most of the time. Since i have a giant collection of base images i may sometimes use them). I choose my images based on the mood i wanna portray. It's always supposed to be looking kinda dreamlike and unreal, but it can also be creepy, dark, bright, etc.

When editing my favourite style of edits - fake dreamlike places - I try to make them look as real as possible, regarding color, lighting, etc, while still making them look blatantly fake regarding the composition, subject matter, etc. Ofc i don't try to perfect my lighting, since it can take away the feeling i strive for, so it's kinda based on my own feelings idk. I get really inspired by the surrealists' painting. Artists like Brent Wong, for example. Liminal spaces are already weird, so why not make them even weirder, by making the geometry non-Euclidean and subject matter impossible in the real world. Also unlike surrealist painters, i have a luxiry of making the scene like "more real" by combining actual photos in photoshop. Ofc people have been making surreal art w/ 3d programs forever now, but it still doesn't give off the same feeling real picture does, yk.

Uhh... what was i talking about... Ah, yes! I firstly make a collage, that i have in mind by this point, and sometimes it just... doesn't work out! i had discarded so many great ideas, cause they weren't turning out good. But if it works, i add shadows and highlights. I look at real liminal space photos and try to really analyze them. Like, what makes them work? the color, the quality, the blurriness? Then i add effects that works to my edit. Every edit needs it's own level of compression, sharpness, blurriness... You just gotta feel it.

Really important step. I leave my edit for a few hours, so i forget how it looks, and then return later. All the imperfections, things that don't work, etc pop out immediately. I read somewhere that the process of creating and the process of analyzing are two completely different things, and i couldn't agree more. It's annoying when you have a finished edit, and you really wanna show it to the world, but you have to wait... But it's better, than being embarrassed later that you posted something unfinished and you can't fix it now.

Ofc i make text edits as well, but they basically serve the same purpose and not that interesting to describe, cause process is the same just with a few steps skipped.

There wasn't such question, but i still wanna talk about it, cause it kinda answers "how do you get the right feel". Well, why do i make edits? Well, the world sucks ass (i don't agree w/ this statement for the most part, like friends are great, nature is buitifull, but then there are parts that just... yk...) and for me weirdcore is a sort of an escapism. I can't traverse dreamworlds mindlessly, alone or come across magical events in real world, sadly. But I can make them however i would like them to look and feel, with my characters (like deer), and my own thoughts about them, that no one except me knows. It's kinda like i actually've been there, and i took a picture. Or hell, maybe i've never been here myself, but those deer were, or invisible creatures, that are not in the shot. And i know them personally, cause i made them, they are a part of myself! And it really helps, and i'm so glad these pictures resonate with so many more people here too! I had been making these pictures without realising why for a year. I had some thoughts and heard dozens of opinins of other pople, but i hadn't had a full picture. And then a video by SuperEyePatchWolf about liminal spaces comes out, and i get it now, it was really eye opening, for me at least. It explains really well why we love unreality so much.

[cinamun]

I wanted to elaborate on my comment about mental health being stigmatized with the propensity for violence. However, I understand how nothing about this situation happened in a vacuum. Elliot is a perfect example of how someone who spent years suppressing a lot of pent up emotions ends up spiraling. I would go as far as to say he has a toxic relationship with women. Think about it. He had no relationship with his mom but he knows is she abandoned him. So Hope becomes in some way the leading female figure in his life. Not to mention she had the family he always wanted. He covets her and her life and we all know where that leads. So when things didn’t work out she became yet another black woman who abandoned him. Which turned into some deep seeded resentment. That’s how misogynior comes into play. So, when he meets Hani (who has her own set of issues thanks to her father) he subconsciously hates her. She’s a reminder of what he wants but can’t have. He’s probably also expecting her to disappoint him as well. So he remains guarded. He put Hope on this pedestal that black men love to put black women on as long as they’re riding for them but as soon as the she checks them she’s knocked off. Hence him calling her a bitch that time. Hani rode with him wearing the invisible cape because she so desperately wants love thats she willing to take someone’s sloppy seconds. Yet, the moment she demands better from him she’s discarded.

Then there is Sean. I’m sure he’s probably shared on multiple occasions in one of his many drunken moments about how women ain’t shit to his son. After all Sean has not had the best of luck. Even falling for Indya was bad for his health. On top of being injured and not being able to play. He lived vicariously through Elliot. I’m sure Elliot didn’t mind playing football but is that the only value his father sees in him? SIDE-NOTE Is Elliot even his biological son? Didn’t he tell his first wife she couldn’t be pregnant because he had a vasectomy? Damn it I done lost my train of thought.

My point is at no junction in this young mans life did someone stop to notice he was not okay. Darren was the only one who showed him some love. Darren saw Elliot the boy he tried to encouraged him in the bathroom on prom night. Imagine had his dad done that everyday of his life. Or his teachers, or his coaches, or his managers and agents. Humans are naturally supposed to function in a communal society. We are supposed to be each other’s keepers. I’m rambling and lost my point but yeah. No one saw it coming because as humans we tend to be caught up in living our own lives. Which is understandable but sometimes we gotta stop and check in on folks. Life be life-ing. I’m sorry this is so long. I had so many dots I was trying to connect.

EVERYBODY COME AND READ THIS PLEASE AND THANK YOU! Sis this was an EXCELLENT deep dive into the process of the spiral that happened with Elliot. Like you pinpointed exact moments that caused certain events in this story. And this is in no way excusing his behavior WHATSOEVER! ... just so everyone is clear ...

Also yes, he's Elliot's biological dad we just don't know who the mom is, we never found out. His ex-wife lied about being pregnant.

According to Sean:

Let's just say he paid for a DNA test and the resemblance is uncanny.

But I be digressing too.

[blogfortheblorbosfnafdca]

Fnaf daycare attendent x reader on my mind today, I may have plenty of other writing projects I'm working on, but damn I do get some little inklings for them.

Honestly I don't even know what kind of au I'd write, I mean I love the more robotic aspect of the attendent. Both Sun and Moon struggling with the restrictions of Fazco is very tasty to me, I eat it up with a spoon every time. I like the readers who interact with them at the pizzaplex, either as mechanics, assistant attendants and so on.

One has gripped me more so recently. Bones-of-a-rabbit started it with their fic honestly, and it's an intriguing concept, a reader who is a staffbot. Call me a bit biased because I first got into the hype of the daycare attendent x reader thorough bamsara's fic. Joe the gas station bot is a noteworthy note. But I do love me some staffbots.

So an idea started forming after I watched markipler play help wanted 2. It's nothing I've really sat down and fleshed out, but I do like to expand it every now and again. I consider it my little thought project. Spoilers ahead. Also this gets a bit existential and angsty.

In one of endings it shows that the human becomes the mask bot in fnaf ruin. And there's this weird thought of, did the two switch places? Is the being swapped under the control of the whole virus thing? Can this process happen with anyone?

That's when I thought of, what if reader staffbot accidentally became human? At first they are ecstatic because now they don't have to worry about getting deactivated and they can do whatever they want now...right?

But they find that being human, while it has some perks, has even worse downsides than they couldnt have anticipated from just watching humans. Like for example, getting sick, joint problems, limbs can't be replaced easily, only one body, pain from anything, etc. What makes this worse is mainly the fact that now they don't have anyone they're familiar with anymore, the human family they end up apart of isn't their's, the friends that surround them are unfamiliar, the people they do know are all back at the pizzaplex and they won't recognize them as the staffbot they knew.

The reason why they wished to be human, becomes something of regret, because in losing the bots they cared about all they wanna do is reverse it. For mine in particular there's no way to do so, I don't know how it becomes irreversible, it's possible that it comes from Fazco's doing of erasing what they can of the glitch, which is the thing that even let the reader swap in the first place. They feel even more guilt because they also understand there was a human they swapped places with, which means their possible death or life stuck as a staffbot is their fault.

So they mourn their losses and decide to get to know their friends in the pizzaplex as a human. In hopes to create a better life for their friends as they have access to things they don't. And really? End goal? Probably helping them escape, because even if they couldn't escape as a staffbot without consequences, they'll make sure nobody else has to.

I don't know if this is like a rebuilt pizzaplex or an entirely new establishment. I don't even know what to do with this really, but I like unpacking 'becoming a real boy' trope. Also I have never seen it explored in this way I suppose, not with the 'Oh this is great cause I'm human now' like, c'mon, human bodies and living life as a human does have some real shitty things to deal with. We have some perks, but like would a robot really want to give up the ability to replace body parts for exact same body parts if needed? Or the fact that they can figure out problems faster because they don't have to worry about memory problems? A little bit of a ramble, I digress.

But yeah, I honestly would like to make this into something more, but right now I got other fanfics and I'm swamped with life right now, so my creativity is taking a hit. I've been playing around with this concept in my head for a while, just never executed it. If this ramble gives inspiration to you, please do @ me, I'd love to see what you've come up with!

[lokisis]

Just a lot of thoughts below. No common theme tbh

Perhaps I should do a tutorial on how I draw spam sometime? I've seen a couple tries of emulating my style so I think it might be fun to give a Direct way to do it. Not to say the emulations were bad! I just think it would be fun 2 do.

I have a love hate relationship with Hotel California. It's a good god damn song. But I heard it literally Every Day after school for like 2 years. I put it in one of my playlists to antagonize myself.

I often wonder what people think of me. Am I a good person? Am I doing right by myself? I don't know. I hope I'm good. I hope I'm kind and approachable. But looking back at my last relationship.. I don't know. It was definitely my fault but he also made me so upset so often. I hope I don't do that to anyone else

I get compliments about my line art a lot. Usually along the lines of "it's so smooth/clean/etc" Here's a fun fact: my hands are chronically shaky. Probably because I don't eat enough but I digress. I want you to open your art program and find the stabilizer. Or correction or whatever the fuck it's called. Turn it up to the point you can make a somewhat unsure line into a confident one. Bam, you're already 70% of the way to how I do my lines. The rest is experience and a trained eye ;]

I really want someone to hold and kiss and love. I have so much of it, and I can't give it to anyone near me. Why? I already dated most of my friends. It would be weird. Just really want someone I'm close to that I can snuggle up to again. I miss that comfort.

I realized, after I made the Blue and Spam post, that Pink is ALSO based on a family member. See, my mom has 2 sisters. The one like Spam, and the one I accidentally made Pink act like. For ease, Mo is pink, KT is spam, and Ma is blue. Mo fucking HATES KT. Doesn't want anything to do with her. But just like Ma, if KT actually needed her help, she'd be there. Begrudgingly, of course.

I wonder how long it usually takes people to make art like mine. For me, if it's just Spamton and no other characters/objects, it takes maybe 2 - 3 hours. That's the full piece. From sketch to post. I'm very fast at what I do so I wonder. I truly do!

My music taste leans heavily towards rock, but hard rock has never caught me quite as much as the rest. Maybe I just haven't found the right kind. Honestly finding new music is always a treat. My mom absolutely loves Rush, and I can see why! But I also love pretty much Everything! Musicals to pop to acapella to fuckin opera if it's good. Rock is a Huge genre, so I guess that's why my taste is so open to begin with. Gotta say tho, raising your kid on motley crue and guns n roses isn't the Best idea if you want an Obedient child.

I love drawing hands. I enjoy the process of feeling out the movement and flow. Hands are so expressive and I genuinely love drawing them. I can understand ppl hating them, but that doesn't mean I agree. Just take the time to learn and you'll see.

Oh right, I should say if you have any opinions/commentary/whatever abt all this shit I'm totally down for a full on rant. Ok. Time to sleep.

[inthemaelstrom]

The Problem of Intent

I thought I'd move a few things over here from my Typepad blog which is slowly going away, things that deserve another audience, or at least that I think deserve another audience. Here's the first of them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up this morning thinking about the word "intent," as I have been off and on for some time, for reasons relating to the circumstances mentioned above (more on that in a later, catch-up post). My ruminations finally solidified yesterday after watching an episode of Red Table Talk on Facebook (another reason I haven't been back here in a while—Facebook, not Red Table Talk). It's a good episode with Chelsea Handler talking with Jada Pinkett Smith and Adrienne Banfield-Jones about white privilege and parts of it are really painful to watch, mostly the bits from Handler's documentary, in which she interviews white women, mostly poor and conservative, about whether they think white privilege exists (they don't). Handler's own previous dumbassery on the subject is also pretty painful, but she's getting it right now, and that's what matters most.

But there's a point in the video where she tells a story on herself, illustrating her former dumbassery and the person who calls her out said, "It's not about the intention, it's about the reception." A little further on, Handler acknowledges that white people don't want to learn because it's uncomfortable to learn not to be an asshole or a bigot to other people, "you gotta go head first into deep things and get in trouble and say stupid things to learn how to say smarter things." All of which is true. Not just say smarter things, but know smarter things, I would add. The process of learning to be a good ally to people who don't have your privilege is hard and embarrassing and upsetting. It's heartbreaking and guilt-making to realize you've been walking through the world hurting people (if you're not a Rethuglican who enjoys that kind of thing; but I digress.) 

And then Jada Pinkett Smith says that key thing that I've been thinking about for ages now: "I think we gotta make some room for people to say stupid stuff sometimes," because racism has been going on for so long that most of it is unconscious now. People don't realize they're being racist unless it's pointed out to them (and that's where other white people need to get off their asses; it's not Black people's job to do that). She continues, "Not every—you know, not every action is racist." So while it may feel racist to the object of the action, it may not to the actor and it may not have that intent behind it. 

This is why intent matters—also. Not by itself, but in addition to reception. Because if we are doing our damnedest to be a good friend and generous person, to do the right thing, to not be racist, sexist, bigoted, insensitive, ableist, oblivious to the experiences of others, and we fuck up along the way, a little compassion helps fuel the struggle for everyone. There's a mental health element to this too, and Handler prefaces her part of the discussion with what seems like her irrelevant experiences in therapy to make this point. She spends a long time talking about her own struggles with pain and anger and how realizing how angry she was was because she was in pain was the thing that broke her open, finally, and got some real work done. When we're operating primarily on a foundation of pain (and here I walked away to go make my bed, because, yanno, pain), then the world becomes our enemy. Everyone becomes our enemy. Everyone is out to hurt us, to insult us, to fuck with us, plotting against us to make us miserable, being mean to us. Everything everyone says or does to us that hurts us (and when we're already in pain, this doesn't generally take a lot) is intentional. Because people are bad and mean and hurtful and fuck all ya'll anyway. I hate people.

And that's clearly bullshit. It feels right when we're hurting, and damn if there aren't days when I get up in the morning and look at the news and think What the ever loving fuck is wrong with you people? about nearly everyone in the world after seeing all the hurt we do each other. But to think the whole world is your enemy, that every person you meet, every friend you make, will ultimately betray and hurt you creates a huge number of problems and solves nothing. First, believing we are somehow important enough for individuals in our lives (never mind the rest of the world) to spend their time machinating about how to hurt us is one of the best examples of narcissism I can think of, and utterly delusional. That's like gaslighting yourself. It's also an example of flawed perceptions and expectations. It's our expectations of others, ultimately, that wounds us: expecting perfection, expecting an intimate and automatic understanding of our POV, expecting unearned unconditional love, expecting all the attention. Love people as you find them, and if they, in their own pain and rage, hurt you, love them from a distance.

Worse than this, though, is that anticipating injury from other people assures that this is all we'll ever get from them. Ever. Because everything they do will be an injury to us if we fail to see their intent and their focus. One of the last times my mom came to visit me here in New York, we were walking along the street and she said, in what was clearly a revelatory moment for her, "wow, people are really so focused on themselves that they don't really pay attention to anyone else." This was coming from a woman who agonized over what other people might think of her if she went out without looking perfectly dressed, perfectly coiffed, perfectly dignified, who was painfully self-conscious about how her disability made her look. I wish she had had more time to enjoy the liberation of that revelation. Because she was right about that. People are all dealing with their own pain, their own stuff, their own troubles, and hurting or judging you is not a high priority on their to-do list.

Unless they are so wrapped up in their own pain that they are going to lash out first, and there are some people who are that hurt, that broken. It's good to remember that it's still really not about you in those circumstance; if they are hurting and judging you, what they see  in you that they hate is almost always what they hate or feel insecure about themselves. Those folks have a lot of work to do that you can't do for them; all you can do is wish them well and get out of range. Because in their pain, they create more of it. This is what intentional, unexamined and institutional racism and sexism does to people. It creates a cycle of pain that needs work to be broken.

Again, this is why intent matters. If I'm hurting you out of maliciousness that's one thing; I need a slap upside the head and a boot in the rear. If I'm hurting you out of my own pain, that's more understandable but still not excusable; I've got some work to do on myself, then, and owe you an apology and an effort to do better. But if I'm hurting you by accident, because I'm learning to do better and still making mistakes, cut me a break please. Work with me. Call me out, by all means. I can't learn if I don't know I've screwed up. If it's really egregious, don't spare your anger. I can't rightly ask you to do that and I probably deserve it. But don't use my mistake to make judgments about what kind of person I am at the core, because then you're doing the same thing that bigots do. If you think I'm the kind of person who would intentionally hurt others, then we already have a problem of perception and reception on your end. And that's bad intent.