#the deserving mentality is truly getting to me and i fucking hate it. it's not logical. I'll still agree with it.

[uncanny-tranny]

"The world isn't a safe place, so get used to it!"

Man, as somebody who's survived multiple, long-lasting instances of abuse from a very young age, I was under the impression that the world was, indeed, so safe and conforming to my desires. I'm practically stunned to learn that this is not the case, and I have been severely humbled

(Sarcasm fully intended)

[thecherrygod]

/

[jonathanbiers]

-

[thebestofoneshots]

tastes | Marauders x Reader

Pairing: J.P. x S.B. x R.L x Female Reader

Word Count: 5.3k

Warnings: Smut, finger fucкing, oral (male receiving), P in V, lots of praise (especially from Remus), Sirius gets all the love he deserves, consent is sexy, lusty!boys, сreаm piе, they literally can't take their eyes off you.

Prompt: Inspired by the sense of taste. Reader has a very strong gag reflex, so the boys have never asked you to blow them, and you love them for it. But today, you want to taste them.

tastes is part of The Five Senses: an anthology series where each chapter will be a stand-alone story, inspired by the different ways we have of perceiving the world around us.

18+ readers only (smut under the cut)

Cum Feel The Noize

You had always had pretty strong gag reflex, just brushing your tongue while you brushed your teeth made you want to puкe sometimes, it wasn’t ideal, but it was what you were born with so you settled. 

The boys knew, you’d been friends with them long before you started dating, and you had been pretty vocal about it, really, you were just so comfortable with them around that you didn’t mind talking about those things.

“What about sucking a dicк?” Sirius asked, half teasingly, half because he’d been genuinenly curious. He got elbowed by James after asking, but you just laughed.   

“Nah, it’s fine,” you told James dismissively “In truth, I’ve never done that.” 

“Never, ever? Not even the tip?” Asked James impressed, now curious as well. You shook your head as an answer.

“Not even when you dated that stupid Harland boy?” asked Remus. They all hated Harland because they all liked you, even then, a few months before you started all dating each other.

“Harland?” you asked in disbelief “Hell no! He asked a couple of times but, I just couldn’t do it,” you admitted “I really didn’t want to puкe all over his dicк.” 

“Understandable,” Remus nodded. 

“Yeah, you’d think. That’s why we broke up tho.” 

“What? Shut up!” James said, almost standing straigther.

“No, it’s true!” you said with a nod “He said there were plenty other girls in the market, and that most of them would die just to get the chance to suck him off.”

“And what did you tell him?” Sirius asked. 

“To fuck off,” you said with a laugh “didn’t even like him that much anyway,” you said with a sight, “But he’s so petty, he asked me to go see him in one of the abandoned classrooms to give me back some of my stuff, but he had just gotten a girl to blow him there. So when I arrived–” 

James gasped, he had his mouth open wide, completely shocked.

“–Poor girl, she was so embarrassed ‘cause she thought we were still dating. Which in hindsight, probably makes is worse. Anyway, he tried to go after me and jinxed him.” 

“We thought you stopped dating because he moved away.” 

“Nope, he moved away because the girl told all her friends about it and gave him the worst reputation.” 

Fast forward to now, you had been dating them for almost a year, and they had, never once, asked you to suck them off, not even by accident, which only made you love them even more, making you realize they truly listened, the difference abysmal between them and Harland, who’d asked hundreds of times, and your boys, who actually cared about you and your limits. And since they also had each other to have fun with it, neither of them missed out on getting blowjobs all that often either. Benefits of being in a poly relationship. 

But the boys were always so caring, and so giving, both in and outside of the bedroom, that you really wanted to give back to them. In fact, seeing the way James sucked Remus once, made you want to test it yourself, mouth watering at the thought. You had done your research too, asked your friends about their techniques and paid a lot more attention when they were doing each other, making mental notes of the things they clearly liked and the things they didn’t. For the first time in your life, you actually wanted to try. 

So, on Sirius’ birthday, you thought it’d be your chance. The boy had asked Peter for the room and he happily left the three of them to do their thing while going to bunk with his own girlfriend. Remus had been the one to pick you up at your room with the invisibility cloak that day. 

“You ready luv?” he asked tenderly when you got out of your room, quickly enveloping you in the cloak as he stood behind you.

“Very ready,” you said with a little smirk, which had Remus raise one of his eyebrows. Did you plan something? That’s definitely your “I’ve planned something” tone.

He dipped his head in the crook of your neck and gave it a short whiff “You’re wearing Sirius’ favourite perfume,” he mouthed, you could feel his lips brushing against your skin, already sending warmth to your core. “What else?” 

 You smiled mischievously “Nothing else,” you admitted. 

A rush of blood went straight to his cock when he heard you say that so confidently, and he finally peaked from his spot in your neck, looking through the thin white shirt you were wearing, he could see your nipple perking underneath the fabric, marking it ever so slightly. “Fuck, dove you’re such a tease.” 

You shrugged, turning to press a kiss to his cheek, realizing how blown out his pupils were already, “You know how much Sirius loves it.” 

He slid his hands under your skirt, only feeling the outside of your tight, all the way to your waist, as if trying to feel if you really had nothing underneath at the bottom. “Yeah, he’s not the only one,” he grunted, digging his digits a little, just below your pelvis. You pressed yourself to him a little more, realizing he was already getting turned on, even from such a short interaction, which only fueled you even more, turning completely around you wrapped your fingers on his neck and brought him down for a kiss. He complied, pushing you against a nearby wall as he kissed back, hands still extended above his head to keep the cloak covering the two of you. When you finally separated, you were both panting, his lips were already pink from the stimulation, and he brought one of his hands down to accommodate his pants, they were already making him uncomfortable. 

“Come on handsome,” you told him with a smile, butting your bottom lip for a mere second and pulling at his bicep ever so slightly, “Why don’t we continue the party inside?” 

When you arrived at their room, Sirius was on his bed, sketching something in his notebook while James was setting up the record player. After all the initial plan had been to just chill and listen to music together. But you all knew that wasn’t going to be the end of the story from the moment the suggestion left Remus’ lips. 

You went straight to Siri, pressing a chaste kiss over his mouth as you laid down next to him “Happy birthday Puppy!” 

“That’s like the 10th time today you say that,” James teased. 

“It’s probably just an excuse to snog him,” added Remus. 

You shrugged and leaned in again, pressing another short kiss to Sirius’ soft lips “Happy birthday,” you whispered again. 

Sirius just smiled, he loved when you showered him with attention, he had always had a knack for being the center of it, but when he was the center of yours, it made him soar, “You can snog me without wishing me happy birthday kitten, in fact, you can snog me whenever the hell you want.” 

You laughed at the suggestive little smirk he made and searched with your hand to grab his. Sirius would definitely go crazy with how much attention you were all about to give him. He leaned in a little closer, dipping his head in the crook of your neck as he turned  “You smell nice,” he whispered. 

James almost jumped to the bed, placing the top half of his body over the bottom half of yours, his head looking at you from above your belly, “Don’t act like we aren’t in the room,” he said with a pout, placing a hand over your bare leg. 

“We weren’t,” Sirius said, still from the crook of your neck “We were just giving you a show,” he added in the end, you could feel the smirk in his tone. Remus laughed, still standing in the middle of the room as he took off his sweater, passing it over his head, slowly, Remus was the most patient of the three; unless you were close to the moon.

You took a deep breath, feeling James’ forearm press against your belly as you did, he leaned down over them and noticed. “You’re not wearing a bra today,” he said as he raised just the edge of your shirt to get a peak. 

“And it’s not the only thing I didn’t put on,” you said teasingly. 

Sirius turned to you shocked “Shut up.” 

“Why don’t you see it for yourself,” you said with a smirk. Sirius didn’t think twice as he dipped his hand under your skirt. Unlike Remus, he went straight to your slick, feeling how wet you already were. 

“Bloody hell kitten, you’re soaked,” he said, now his own eyes blown out in lust “Wait, why are you so…?” he turned to Remus, who just shrugged in response, a cheeky smile playing on his face. He narrowed his eyes at him and turned back to you, “fine then… my turn,” he said, lightly pushing James off you as he grabbed you by the waist and placed you on top of him, you were now straddling him, each leg to the side of his. The friction of his pants in your core, only making you all the more turned on, you ground yourself against him, which had him moan, if ever so lightly. James had placed one hand over your tight as he moved to kiss Sirius’ neck. Today was his day, after all. 

You smiled, slowly grinding yourself against the boy one more time before leaning in to kiss him on the lips. Remus was sitting on the bed beside yours, lousily looking at the three of you as he patted himself. After a couple more kisses, you reached your hand under Sirius’ shirt, and both you and James pulled Sirius on a sitting position so you could completely remove it, gently passing it over his head. James didn’t leave him lay back down though, he pressed himself behind him to gain better access to his neck instead. 

You smiled, still kissing Sirius as you fumbled your fingers over the button of his trousers. “Someone’s thirsty,” he teased. 

“You wouldn’t know how much,” you whispered enigmatically. There it is again, Remus thought, she’s onto something. With the help of James, you managed to remove Sirius’ pants too. Playing with the hem of his trousers as you continued to grind onto his leg. Now it was your turn, moving in tandem with James, the two of you managed to lay Sirius back, over James’ chest, who rubbed soft circles on his arms as he watched you grind onto his boyfriend. Sirius was malleable, in fact, at this point, he would let you do whatever the hell you wanted with him, he wasn’t sure he was even still on earth. 

Finally, you pulled his boxers down, pulling back just a little when his thick cock sprang out, pressing against his stomach from the force of the release. You licked your lips but stood back straight, taking your time to throw the boxers somewhere. Remus smiled, you were being fast tonight, maybe he’ll get his turn faster than– 

He lost his train of thought, you had dropped kisses all over Sirius’ stomach and your face was dangerously close to his cock. It wasn’t unusual that you played and rubbed their cocks with your hands, but you usually kept your head a little further away from them. 

He almost completely lost it when he noticed you playing with Sirius’ tights, pressing kisses against them as you spread them a little with your hands. That was a move he knew all too well, he’d done it several times. Finally, when you leaned down and pressed your lips against Sirius’ cock, it was he who jumped out of James’ grasp, Remus crossing the distance that there was in between the two of you with two long strides. 

“Kitten what are you–” Sirius asked, his throat dry. 

“–what do you think?” you said, motioning to his cock. 

“But your gag reflex sweetheart,” James said, he was peering through Sirius’ shoulders. 

Your heart warmth at the boys’ concern, “I wanna try,” you added. 

“Are you sure? You don’t have to do it… If you feel pressured into it because it’s my birthday then–” 

“–It’s not that,” you cut him off “I want to try.”  

“Are you very sure luv?” Remus asked, he had leaned down near the bed to level his head with yours. 

You nodded “Positive.” 

“Sirius can be a little desperate sometimes,” James added “We can help you hold him in place so he doesn’t accidentally jerk too hard into your throat, How does that sound?” 

You peered to look at him through your lashes, Sirius thought you’d never looked more stunning “If Sirius is all right with that.” 

The boy in question nodded excitedly, and James leaned a little to the side, pressing one of his legs, while Remus held him from the other side. 

“We’re ready,” Remus said with a short nod. 

You nodded in response, taking a deep breath, and leaned back down pressing little kisses on Sirius’ soft abdomen before placing your hand over his balls. You’d seen James do it, and Sirius seemed to like it when he did. 

Judging by the way he moaned, he also enjoyed it when you did. After kneading them a little more, and rubbing circles over his tight with your other hand, you placed your hand around his cock, pumping it a couple of times before finally leaning down, placing a light kiss over his tip. The sound Sirius emitted was so sinful, you felt your arousal dripping from your cunt. 

James had moved over the bed, one hand still over Sirius’ leg, the other on his cock, he was watching mouth dry as you leaned down on Sirius. He had only dreamed of you doing such a thing, never daring to ask for it. 

You took a deep breath, and went for a long lick, all the way from shaft to the end. Remus smirked, such a tease, he thought. 

Sirius moaned again, head plopping back into the pillows James had placed when he moved to the side.

Remus hummed “Stop teasing him so much sweetheart,” he said as he placed a hand on the side of Sirius’ face, brushing lightly from his temple to his neck all the while looking tenderly at the boy, “He might just combust in flames if you keep it up.” 

You stroked Sirius one more time, brushing your thumb over his tip the way you knew he liked so much and then you leaned down again, this time wrapping your mouth around his tip. You didn’t go down too deep at first, only really staying around the tip, making sure to test how much you could actually fit into your mouth without it getting uncomfortable. 

You started moving your tongue around his tip, nipping and teasing. Another moan escaped from Sirius’ mouth, James didn’t know where to look as he touched himself, either at you or Sirius’ pleasure-driven face. At some point, you felt a slight buckle of Sirius’ hips, or at least an attempt of it, since both James and Remus had managed to restrain him from moving too much. 

“Please,” he begged. You knew exactly what he wanted. When he got all whinny like that, it was because he wanted you to pick up the pace, either by stroking him faster or bobbing your hips up and down his length. You squeezed slightly with your hand since you knew how much he liked it when you clenched your “tight little pussy” around him. And finally, you started to bob your head up and down, slowly, taking in very little of him in your mouth at first. Testing the waters.

Sirius emitted the kind of groan you only heard of him when he was so deep into you, he couldn’t think of anything else. You then felt Remus’ hand, the one he wasn’t using to hold Sirius’s hip, moving under your skirt. Slowly moving up until he reached the tender flesh of the inside of your tight. And then he went further up, tracing your slit with his long finger. 

“Fuck,” he whispered, “Pads, if you could feel how wet she is at this point… she’s practically dripping.”

Remus knew exactly what he was doing, Sirius was as much into physical pleasure as emotional, much like you were, and Remus was well aware knowing such a thing would set his boyfriend on fire, he wasn’t wrong, you could feel his hips trying to buckle into your mouth again, only to be stopped by the boys’ strong hands.  

Remus did not remove his hand either, he kept playing around your slit, slowly parting with two fingers as you perked your ass just a bit more for easier access, which just had him grin. You moaned when he placed one of his fingers over your clit and started rubbing, Remus had the most confident grip when it came to finger fucking you, and he always delivered. 

You started taking in a bit more of Sirius, forcing yourself a little over what you’d consider your comfort zone. Every moan his noises and Remus’ hands pulled from you, reverberating across his cock and bringing him closer. 

“Sweethea… aaaah, fuck.” Sirius was trying to tell you something, but the way his moans sounded, you knew exactly what he wanted to say. 

Regardless, it was James who took his hand away from his own cock and bought it to caress your back, “Kitten…” he said softly, you eyed him, not stopping the way you moved your mouth around Sirius, which almost got him to lose his train of thought, “Kitten, Sirius is about to come,” he informed. 

You hummed in response, being aware of it already. You knew. Finally, that brought Remus back into the conversation “Wait, luv, does that mean you’re going to…” you hummed again. 

“fuck,” you heard him whisper. She’s gonna swallow, he thought, not being able to keep his eyes off you. 

Sirius was just as impressed, even if he wasn’t thinking much at this point, he had brought his hand down, and he toyed with your hair before settling it just over the back of your neck, he wasn’t pushing though, he was rubbing soft circles with his thumb, even amongst all the madness you’d brought to him, he was still thinking of your comfort. 

You drove your head up and down three more times, and then you felt it, warm and a little salty, spurring into your mouth. And as you had planned you swallowed it all, helping Sirius ride through his orgasm by still bobbing your head a couple of times. 

“It’s ok sweetheart,” you heard James, he still had his hand on your back “He’s done, you can stop.” 

You did, slowly taking your mouth out and letting your head fall over Sirius’ belly, making sure to keep your ass up so Remus wouldn’t stop toying with your pussy, which he wasn’t planning on either way. Sirius looked at you, breath heavy as he wrapped his hand over your cheek, “That was incredible sweets, and for your first time.” 

You pressed a soft, gentle kiss to his stomach, and then turned your eyes back to him “I’d been observing you…” you said. Being stoped by your own moan as Remus drove a finger inside of you “taking notes of what each of my boys likes best.” 

“fuck you’re so tight,” the boy whispered, only James heard, you and Sirius were too wrapped in your own little bubble. 

“Have you now?” he said with a teasing smile, “you might become the best of the three,” he whispered, it earned him a smack from James, who had been attentively watching the way Remus finger fucked you, imagining how it would look like without the skirt. 

“Next time you beg for me to blow you after a game I’ll tell you to go beg elsewhere,” he teased. Which earned a chuckle from you and Sirius. 

“I want to see,” Sirius added, motioning to Remus’ hand under your skirt. 

“That makes two of us,” James said as he grabbed you by the waist and pulled you into a sitting position, you whined in response, almost crying at the loss of Remus’ expert fingers. 

“It’s ok baby, we’re just gonna reposition,” James cooed, and he started to unbutton your shirt as Remus got on the bed, taking off his shirt in one swift motion before helping James remove yours. The boys moved in tandem, smoothly as if they knew exactly what the other was about to do next, which perhaps they did, since they knew each other so well. Once the shirt was off, you felt the cold air perk your nipples, giving both boys sitting in front of you their own little show. While that was going on, Remus was the one to unbutton and unzip your skirt, lifting you up towards him as James pulled it off. 

Remus placed you in between his legs, enjoying the feeling of the soft bare skin of your back flushing against his torso. He hadn’t yet removed his pants, but you could feel how hard he was under them, so hard it’s gotta be painful.

But Remus had only two moods, either being patient or being desperate; today he was the first one, so when you rocked your hips back, trying to get a reaction, he just held you down “Steady on sweetheart, let us enjoy you first.” 

And they were going to enjoy you, while Remus spread you wide open, carefully passing your feet over his legs so they would stay in position, James had leaned in to spread soft kisses on your neck. All of you facing Sirius, who was just smiling darkly at the sight. 

Remus was slow at first, passing a hand over your inner tight, massaging the soft skin before getting closer to your slit. Even then, he just massaged around it “Remus!” you whined, which only earned him a chuckle. 

“What is it luv?” he asked, playing dumb. 

“Yeah, what is it?” James asked, unlaching his lips from your neck and turning to you, joining the teasing. 

“Please!” you added, grabbing onto Remus’ hand and placing it on your slit. 

Finally, he complied, tracing his strong fingers over your slit, still impossibly wet. James had already moved on to kiss one of your nipples, nipping and teasing the tender skin. Sucking it into peaks before laying it back with his tongue. One of his hands had been placed in the small of your neck, and the other on your other breast, making sure not to let it skip on the fun. 

“How are you three so goddamned beautiful?” you heard Sirius mumble as he enjoyed the view. 

This time around, after toying with your clit once more, Remus placed two fingers inside instead of one, which had you gasp, but he just smiled devilishly as he thrusted them in and out, eliciting one of his favourite sounds in the world, your moans. While lost in bliss, you felt James’ cock brush against your skin, which made you remember how forgotten you had left him tonight, so you reached out and brushed your hand around it, brushing your thumb over the tip a couple of times, earning a couple of moans from him. 

“Yes, please,” he whispered, and you complied, finally starting to stroke him. James did not stop the kissing as you continued to move your hand up and down his length, only moaning your name a couple of times, and squeezing your breast a little tighter when he was close. 

You were just as close, you realized Remus had been not only finger fucking you, but preparing you as well, slowly stretching you out with the help of his two fingers. Remus was big, and without stretching, he just didn’t fit in. And if he was stretching you out, then it meant he knew he’d get your wet little cunt tonight and it only fueled him more and turned you on even more in return. You buckled your hips against his fingers a couple of times, and his pace became faster. Just like your stroking around James’ cock. 

James came first, thrusting into your hand as his cum dripped all over it, finally unlatching himself from your nipples and breathing heavily as he stared dumbly at you and Remus, lips parted and slightly red, just the sight of it made you buckle your hips against Remus’ hand once again. He was about to take his wand to clean your hand with it, when Remus used his free hand to bring it over to his mouth and ran his tongue from your wrist bone to your fingers, licking most James’ cum along, which James swore made his cock twitch again. 

And then Remus turned to you, not slowing down the pace on your pussy, but looking as calm as unbothered as if he were a teacher asking a student for an answer “Do you want to taste him too, sweetheart?” 

You nodded, and he pushed your hand towards your mouth, carefully placing the soft section between your thumb and your wrist right over your lips, it was the only section still covered with James’ cum, and you slowly brought your lips around it, sucking carefully on your hand and letting your lips slowly go back to their place as Remus’ pulled your hand out. James was a little saltier than Sirius, but also relatively sweet.

“fuck… i’m gonna end up getting hard again,” you heard James’ groan, which had Sirius chuckle as he pulled the boy towards him. 

“Come Prongs, enjoy the show with me,” he said with a smile. James leaned in and gave Sirius a short kiss before leaning on his shoulder. 

“All right sweetheart, your turn,” Remus said as he brought his index finger from the other hand to your clit, you leaned your head back on his shoulder, buckling your hips against him with more conviction now that you weren’t distracted by anything else. 

His pace quickened and you moaned and whined under his expert hands “Hmmm… please Rem, I’m about to…” 

“It’s ok baby, be good and come all over my fingers,” he cooed, and you did, harshly pulling your head back as you allowed him to finger fuck you to oblivion. “There we go, such a good girl for me, isn’t that right?” he praised, as he brought his hand, still wet with your slick over to his mouth and sucked sinfully over the two fingers that were inside of you, moaning as he tasted your juices. He then turned back to you again. “Now, are you gonna allow me to fuck that tight little pussy of yours tonight or do you feel too tired already?” 

You wanted nothing more than for Remus to stretch you up just right, so you nodded, head still a little foggy from the high, “Please Remus,” you added for good measure, moving your hips back just to feel him press against you one more time. 

Finally, you moved to the side, allowing the boy to take both his pants and underwear off before he laid down on the bed, Remus knew it was easier for you to be the one to ride him, at least at first –and when he was the first one– since that way you had a little more control over how big he was, and he was always more than happy to let you do it, in fact, he quite enjoyed the way your breast bounced as you bobbed up and down his length. And he knew the boys liked it just as much, so he strategically laid in a way so that they would get a good view of you. 

You slowly straddled him, placing both knees on each side of his hip before rubbing yourself against his cock a couple of times, causing him to moan this time. You were still so fucking wet.

Eventually, you lifted yourself up and lined him with your entrance. He placed both of his hands around your hips, to help hold you up as you slowly pushed yourself down, moaning as you went as deep as you could. Remus had responded to your tightness with a grunt, truth be told he’d been dreaming of it from the moment he went to pick you up. 

You started bobbing up and down his length, slow at first, but picking up that pace as your walls got used to his size. Remus had his hands on your waist, helping you move easily as he started to thrust up into you, reaching the right spot. “fuck… yes,” you said breathily as he continued thrusting.

“So fucking tight,” Remus breathed as he helped you ride him, completely focused on you, on your parted lips, your soft huffs and moans; you were absolutely entrancing in the way you moved your hips on him, “You’re taking me in so well sweetheart…” 

You moaned, and clenched around him, which just caused him to buckle against you even harder. That got you to whimper and you brought both of your palms to lay over his shoulders, to hold yourself better as you continued to rock your hips on the boy, “Baby… if you keep that up I’m not gonna last,” he added, and just to tease him, you clenched again, eliciting a moan from the boy so sinful, it fueled you to keep moving, faster this time around.

“So beautiful, aren’t they Prongs?” you heard Sirius say, almost not quite registering it with the way Remus’ cock trusted into you right after. The other boy hummed in response, not able to take his eyes off the way you were moving. 

When Remus was close, he switched the two of you around, laying you flat on the bed as he brought one of his hands over to your clit, “Be a good girl and come for me one last time sweetheart,” he said as he continued to thrust. Holding back his own orgasm, he wanted to hear you moan his name as he came. 

And after a few more flicks and circles of his thumb, with his pace quickening, you came, “hmm Remus…” you whispered as he continued to thrust inside of you, the way your walls clenched around tipping the boy over the edge, he had hold it back so long, he practically grunted into your ear and spiled inside of you.

Eventually, he pulled back, staring at your pussy as he panted, you knew what he wanted and so you squeezed, allowing the thick white liquid to spill from your inside, dripping from your entrance to the back of your ass. Remus really liked to see the evidence of fucking you, somehow satisfying his most primal desires, or so he’d told you once. 

Remus brought one of his hands back to your cunt, you shivered with the contact since you were still slightly overstimulated, but he didn’t budge, using his middle and index to gather some of your combined juices, he angled his head cockily, “Are you gonna taste me tonight as well sweetheart?” he asked. 

You smiled wickedly, using your elbows to prop yourself up and leaning in towards the boy’s hand, not bothering to answer as you opened your mouth and wrapped it around both of his fingers, making sure to let your lips pull as you slowly hollowed your mouth and pulled yourself back, licking your lips as you completely separated from the boy. Remus had not been expecting that, his cocky demeanour faltering as his mouth dried. Remus was the sweetest of the three. 

A/N: this is the third piece of smut I’ve written so far, and omg this definitely got out of hand. Regardless… I do feel like I’m getting the hang of it. Maybe? A little bit? At least I don’t feel the cringe, anymore. Saying that, I do still stop myself every now and then and wonder “what the hell am I writing?” In a “I’d be burned in the stake for imagining these things” sort of way haha! Either way, I’m having fun, and that’s what matters!

The Five Senses was born as a way for me to practice writing smut for my brand new Wolfstar x Reader series that's currently being posted on a weekly basis. If you have feedback, please leve it in the comment below. I absolutely love reading your comments <3

Taglist: @lillysanura @sofiacblair @noommoon69

Leve a comment telling me if you wanna be tagged on The Five Senses

Want to support me? Consider buying me a Ko-Fi <3 or just reblogging this post

Raead more Marauders Fiction

The Five Senses Masterlist

[obsesssedblerd]

[MDNI] curse user! suguru x f! sorcerer reader 

previous part 

When your ears finally stop ringing, they register the sound of your own panting. Pleasure still vibrates through your body, and you wait for it to fade. Suguru sighs blissfully, then rolls over so he’s no longer on top of you, resting on the other side of his bed and facing the ceiling. You can tell that he’s also trying to catch his breath. Your body is still trembling slightly. How many times did you cum? You think four, but your mind stopped working properly after the first, so you weren’t sure. 

“Taking you a little bit longer to come back from that one,” you hear Suguru say, and you open your eyes to look over at him. He’s lying on his side and using one muscular arm to prop his head up, his hair—now messed up from sex—sprawled beautifully on the pillow. He looks at you through half-lidded eyes, and his mouth slightly curves into the smirk that you love hate. “Fucked you that good, hm?” 

“Go to hell,” you mumble as you sit up. When you finally get your head back on straight, you sigh when guilt settles into your stomach. Once again, you failed to execute Suguru Geto, and have instead found your way back into the curse-user’s bed after a battle with him. You look around for your jujutsu high uniform, then remember that Suguru ripped it off of your body. You groan when you see the torn fabric on the floor. 

Suguru hands you a hoodie. “Here.” 

“This is the second time you’ve torn off my uniform.” You pull the warm hoodie over your figure, and you try to ignore just how good it smells. How good he smells. “I can’t just keep getting new ones. They’ll get suspicious.”

“Oh well,” he says with a soft shrug. 

Frustration bubbles in your blood, and you get ready to stand up. “Asshole.” Then, you feel his large arms wrap around your middle, pulling you to him so your back is against his chest.

“Running off so soon?” He purrs, then kisses the skin just below your ear as his hands trail down your body. You shiver, unable to stop the small moan of pleasure from escaping your lips, and he chuckles at your reaction. “You’re so cute. You pretend to hate me, but your body’s a lot more honest.” 

You’re about to tell him to fuck off, but he begins trailing kisses down your neck. You hate him. You want him. You want to hate him, and you hate that you want him. You try to tell yourself to remain focused. He’s evil, he’s killed hundreds, he’ll continue to kill as long as he’s left alive.

But you always hesitate to finish the job. 

Your phone dings with a new message, and you snap back to reality. “I-I have to go,” you manage to say, shoving down the part of you that wants to ignore your duties as a sorcerer and let Suguru have his way with you.

“Fine,” he hums. “But just know that this is my last time letting you leave.” 

That stops you. You turn around to face him. “Gonna kill me?” you ask. 

He raises a brow in confusion, then shakes his head. “No, love, you misunderstand me.” He brushes a strand of your hair out of the way of your face. “I fully intend to keep you alive. What I mean is that this back-and-forth is getting tiring. You’re obviously struggling to accept what you truly want, so I’m just going to speed that process up for you.” Your heart races when he smiles. It’s gentle, yet dangerously promising. “When you lose the next time you come to face me, I’m going to keep you.” 

Suguru kisses you possessively with you in his hold. It’s so intense that your head spins. It takes everything to not melt right then and there. You mentally curse at yourself for even thinking about it. When he breaks the kiss, his violet eyes take you in; Your heavy breathing, your slightly dazed eyes and your kiss-swollen lips. “I’m done sharing you,” he whispers. “Not just with the other sorcerers at jujutsu high, but with those fucking monkeys. They don’t deserve you.” He doesn’t say it, but you hear it anyway. You’re mine. 

You don’t say anything, and you can tell that he didn’t expect you to. He releases you, waving you off as you stand up and grab the rest of your things. “See you soon,” he says.

As you make your way back to your apartment—because there’s no way you can head back to the school to report on the mission with hickeys all over your body and your uniform shredded—the last few minutes of your secret encounter repeat over and over in your head. 

Suguru Geto never went back once he finalized a decision. You would be stupid to think that he didn’t mean every single word. 

[luvtonique]

I wanna tell a little story. Just a little one. [Edit after typing: Yeah I ranted for a while. Oh well.]

I grew up with a dad who was extremely racist, extremely homophobic, and extremely abusive. Used to beat me and my brothers for 20+ years of my life, left us all with mental disorders and trust issues, you name it.

One such story of his homophobia and beatings is that my brother had a boyfriend at one point, and my dad hit him with a belt and screamed at him until he agreed to break up with said boyfriend, which he did.

Now cut ahead 20 years, my dad met an openly gay celebrity online and became friends with him. All the sudden, my dad was Mr. LGBT Pride. He was a writer, and suddenly started writing a book about a gay cowboy called Buck Justice. He would rent movies with gay actors in it, or gay themes, and was suddenly super pro gay.

It just left all of us disgusted, my brothers and my mom. We knew this man, but people on Facebook didn't. He had this huge friend group all the sudden of people calling him "Dad" and "Big Bob" and shit (When in reality, my dad called himself N*gger Bob and even had that written on the whiteboard next to his phone number), and he kept telling us all these stories and laughing and having a good time about how "Cool gay people are."

You see, it left a poor fucking taste in our mouth.

Because we had personally seen how horrible this man was. He beat us. He beat my bisexual brother. He was a fucking monster, but now that he was in some clique with a big popular movie star friend, he was suddenly this shining beacon of gay pride.

That's what bothers me when I see people on the internet acting the same way. I see the disingenuous nature of their actions. I see the popular people they're brown-nosing, I see the big popular bloggers and streamers they're trying to be friends with who are spouting the same bullshit.

And the reason it bothers me is because I know who these people are. I go back in their blogs like 1 month and find death threats, calls for violence, mental instability, extreme rage.

I go to their YouTube channels and find videos of them watching rats die on glue traps.

I get invited into their Discord servers and scroll back through the history of them talking with their friends and see just mountains of hate posting, calling for violence, wishing people would be killed, celebrating the death of people they hate.

That's why I don't do that shit. And why I don't tend to hang out with people who do. Because I know those people aren't really respectful people. I know they don't truly want equality.

I know the truth. From 20 years of belt marks on my back.

I know y'all are fucking disgusting people who are just pretending to be respectful advocates for equality and peace because the big celebrities and vloggers and streamers you wanna be friends with are saying the same shit.

You people aren't real. You are NPCs spouting NPC dialogue in hopes of getting some pseudo social credit score with big e-celebs while all it takes is 10 seconds of scrolling through your blog to find out you are the most disgusting, violent and unhinged person on the internet.

Case in point, y'ever seen a cat owner before?

Tell a cat owner you don't like cats.

Watch what happens.

It's been 9 years since I made a post saying I don't like cats and I still get those fucking psycho pieces of shit sending me extremely descriptive anon asks about how they want my throat to be ripped out by a dog in my sleep. That's who these people really are.

All it takes is one thing that sets them off and they go from your 11-year-running best friend of all time to a person who sends you multiple paragraphs of descriptive ways they hope you die.

I've learned from experience with my dad.

Y'all want equality? Just treat people with respect no matter what. Don't act like there's versions of people or groups of people who deserve more or less respect, because guess what, THAT'S CALLED PREJUDICE YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT.

If you have to say "I am LGBT friendly"

You clearly have something to hide (which I guarantee is like 10 posts down in your blog and is horrifically violent and descriptive) and you are the last person I would expect to actually be LGBT friendly, or any kind of friendly.

[devil-in-hiding]

So i am quite literally sobbing on my sons bedroom floor because I hate feeling like that I hate not being able to see between hateful and playful asks it makes me feel terrible

once more i am probably just going to have to just, turn off anon for a while, it breaks my heart, i won’t be able to talk to my wife or bubbles but this is truly starting to affect my mental health, i thought i could handle the random influxes of hate because they’re just some loser but i can’t, it’s starting to really get to me and i have no idea who is doing it so id rather just

take that stress away

i’m sorry to all my well behaved anons, you don’t deserve to be punished because someone has to be so fucking hateful

[dancermk]

HELLO MY FELLOW TRAVELERS!

I, like many viewers, have been completely entranced by Hawk and Tim’s love story in Fellow Travelers. As a mature queer person, this show has been very emotional, and I am deeply invested. (I WILL riot if Tim doesn’t get to die in Hawk’s arms, and know that he is, and has always been, loved by Hawk.) But I digress.

Something that I have been fascinated by are the differing opinions that have surfaced about the characters, especially Hawk. I’m not looking for any arguments here, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and this is simply mine. To me, Hawk falls hard and fast for Tim. He breaks all his own rules for Tim - they topple over like a house of cards.

When we are introduced to Hawk, he’s cold and heartless with the men he hooks up with - they are nothing more than a body to fulfil his sexual needs and desires. He doesn’t do repeats and he doesn’t bring them home. But Tim, he instantly begins returning to, gets him a job, then allows him into his own apartment, etc. When Tim pushes back, Hawk relents further, letting him in emotionally, sharing parts of his past, crossing lines by introducing him to others in his circle, and so on.

Hawk is a traumatised man, carrying guilt and anger and shame, and a bucket load of fear! Yes, he has some internalised homophobia, but interestingly, he’s also extremely righteous about his homosexuality -and I don’t believe he thinks being gay is wrong in any way. (His response to his father is indicative of this).

I can personally say that I’ve never thought it was wrong to be queer, yet I spent much of my life hiding who I was and feeling shame. It’s an odd thing! Perhaps it is that the shame forms purely from what is outside of us, while what is inside of us can love another person of the same sex, knowing it is right and pure. Perhaps these contradictions between self and society are what causes so much pain and conflict?

But back to Hawk. Hawk is undoubtedly most affected by his teenage first love experience. A love that he fucked up through his own fears (fear for many men is unacceptable and a sign of weakness), and now carries the burden of believing he is responsible for their death. Hawk doesn’t allow himself to love again, until Tim. And we see many times throughout the show how much Hawk fears losing Tim. And in the end he’ll have to face that fear. I think that, in part, not attempting to have a life with Tim, is also fuelled by his fear of fucking it up and losing Tim - so it’s easier to just not attempt it! In episode 7, when he loses his son, part of that spiral is Hawk recognising that he can’t really prevent loss, and he wasted his life trying to be something he’s not - still losing his child and Tim along with it.

But Hawk is a survivor! And no one has the right to hate or judge him for it. I don’t think some young people truly understand what it feels like to live in a world where who you love can put you in jail, and destroy your life. I grew up in the 70s/80s and my experiences were bad enough, but I try so very hard to think about what it was like before that! When being queer was a crime and a mental illness! That’s pure terror! And for Hawk, he chose to survive the best way he knew how, and he wasn’t able to change because that’s fucking hard when all you’ve known is living in constant ‘fight or flight,’ and when have chronic trauma and experience collective trauma.

I think in episode 8 we’ll finally get to see Hawk grow - I certainly hope so - because he deserves to be free. Our beautiful Skippy has been free for some time, and while we mourn for the cruelty of a world that would take such a truly decent man, I am glad he got to live freely. Being closeted is the worst kind of suffering- a compartmentalised and fragmented existence where you are never truly whole, and therefore can never be the best version of yourself.

Before I go, I just wanted to also talk about being in a closeted relationship-which I experienced in my youth. I think that Hawk and Tim’s intense and toxic and exquisitely beautiful relationship, in part, arises from this. Because two closeted people in love live their relationship in secret, in a bubble, only in certain rooms, with none of the outside world reflected back at them. It becomes the two of you against the world. It’s so insular. Hawk and Tim literally live their 1950s relationship within two rooms - their apartments. All their memories are held within those walls. And it only belongs to them. They know each in ways that no other living soul does. It’s all-consuming and often unhealthy, but also stupidly romantic.

Anyway, sorry for this long winded post that no one will read and is likely full of grammatical errors because I’m tired! This atheist is praying we get everything we need from episode 8! Acceptance, forgiveness, understanding resolution, healing and a whole lot of love! ❤️

Cheers queers! 🏳️‍🌈

PS Matt and Johnny are exquisite on and off screen and I am so thankful to them for bringing these characters and this story into our lives!

[mango-bango-bby]

hi, mango how are you? although it is highly unlikely, what if todoroki used his fire quirk to injure them but he didnt mean to and they're scared of fire? hope you have a great day<33

♡ Nightmares ♡

Content Warning ⚠️: Yandere, characters are aged up, injuries and burns, injury comfort, mostly fluffy comfort, Shoto has nightmares 🥺

Summary: Shoto has frequent nightmares, but tonight he accidentally hurts you in his sleep while having one of these nightmares (Yan!Todoroki x GN!reader)

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Shoto would never hurt you, he never wanted to hurt you. You were precious to him. You deserved to be treasured. That was always his mentality when it came to you.

Shoto was subject to nightmares often, often times he would wake up and be able to calm himself down before going back to sleep. Most of them consisted of his childhood but the worst nightmares always had to do with you. His worst nightmares dealt with you falling out of love with him, or you getting hurt in some way.

You hum a bit at the movement beside you. Shoto slept with his arms around you, so it was strange that he had migrated so far away from you.

You sit up in the dark, turning to Shoto. You squint a bit, trying to adjust your eyes to the dark. You can hear Shoto muttering in his sleep, most of it is nonsense but the one thing you do hear is your name, he was having one of his nightmares again.

“Hmm, Shoto…” you mutter, softly placing your hand on his arm. “Shoto…” you mumble louder, shaking his arm a bit to hopefully wake him up. You could tell that his nightmare was escalating, his muttering was louder, he was sweating, his breath was even picking up.

“Wake up you’re dreaming” you say louder, shaking him so that he would hopefully wake up. “Sho-” you start, being cut off by a shriek. Shoto jumps up at your scream immediately turning to you, seeing tears in your eyes and you holding onto your arm with he had clearly burned in his sleep while having his nightmare.

“Darling, let me see it” Shoto says, watching you cry, trembling as you hold out your arm to him. God, he hated himself, how could he want to protect you from the world if he couldn’t protect you from himself!? Luckily it wasn’t to bad of a burn, but he could see you were shaken up.

“Fuck…” Shoto mutters, bringing his right hand up to your burn. He gently runs his hand over your skin, using his quirk to help sooth the burn. You hiss slightly at the feeling but it’s helping, the icy air feels like a cool blanket over your new burn. Shoto sighs, keeping his hand over your burn and cooling it off, you could practically see the pain in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, my love…” He whispers, looking into your eyes while still soothing your new burn. An injury that he caused, if he meant to or not.

“It’s okay, Shoto…” you whispered back, your eyes were kind and gentle despite the accidental pain he had caused you. “It was an accident” you whispered, a gentle smile on your face as you look into his teary eyes.

“I’m going to be okay, I know you wouldn’t hurt me…” you whispered, letting out a small sigh at the cold air he still puts on your burn. He looks at you, a look of adoration in his tearful eyes. He truly loved you, he would never hurt you.

“I love you so much, darling…”

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Thank you for reading, darling!!

(A/N: I can totally see him having nightmares 😭😭 Also I’ve been working on a lot of Miguel fics lately so I hope you guys like those because I have A LOT in the drafts)

Masterlist ➸ ♡

[peak-dumbass]

I felt like ranting about TFP/RiD2015 starscream’s character since I feel like a lot of people mischaracterize him, but this turned out to be much longer than I thought it would sooooo click if you wanna see my essay about the most disloyal second-in-command ever :]

So when talking about tfp starscream I hear a lot of his fans mention how bad the show was for not addressing megatron’s abuse of him and for not giving him a redemption arc where he recovers from it and becomes a better person or something along those lines

I don’t want to seem rude, but where the fuck did you guys get the impression that the show was ever going to do something like that?? Or even that starscream was ever going to be viewed in a remotely sympathetic light??? Cuz it definitely wasn’t from the show I can tell you that much

Now I’m not denying that starscream was abused, I do agree with that — but did you guys forget the context of why Megatron feels the need to punish him so brutally? Cuz every single time he does so it’s cuz starscream is trying to take his place as leader of the decepticons and, more often than not, trying to kill him in the process — like did yall forget that one of the first things starscream did in the show was plan to leave megatron to die in space after taking the only thing keeping him alive from his chest and the only reason he didn’t was because he was being spied on by soundwave?

I’m not stating that to say “megatron was right to abuse starscream”, hell no, but I’m stating that to say there was a reason for it in-show and it wasn’t to show that starscream deserves sympathy but to show how ruthless megatron is, especially to people that cross him like starscream

The whole “redemption arc” idea that some people like to cling to is what confuses me the most because are we talking about the same character here?? Are we looking at the same guy because so matter how you look at starscream, he was never meant to be redeemed

This is the same character that, throughout the entire show, is the only one to have killed an autobot on screen — and he did this in his first scene in the first episode — and actively brags about it on several occasions afterwards throughout the show

This is the same character that, when the autobots gave him one chance to see if he could be seen as an ally, couldn’t help himself from mentioning his murdering of cliffjumper to arcee — cliffjumper’s partner — and then using her anger and grief as way to escape, effectively making it impossible that the autobots would ever truly trust him again

This is the same character that, even after leaving the decepticons, can’t help himself from trying to murder megatron (to take his place, not as revenge for his abuse) and getting in the autobots way of stopping the decepticons

The fact that starscream’s seemingly favorite pastime in the show is Attempted Murder so he can become a Worse Dictator is something I think his fans gloss over much too easily — especially since they’re typically the same people that hate megatron for abusing him because starscream *checks notes* keeps attempting to murder him

The only reason why megatron keeps starscream around is because he’s more useful to him alive and working under him than either dead or working against him — and considering how many times starscream has attempted to murder him and has actively ruined his plans, I’m surprised he hasn’t killed him already

Even after all of that happens and starscream finally says “fine, I won’t attempt to kill megatron anymore” in season 3, he’s still ruining his plans with his pettiness and jealousy towards others like shockwave —

no matter what happens to starscream, he refuses to grow and change

— which is why I can’t understand where this “I can fix him cuz the writers refused to” mentality came from

He was never meant to be “fix”-able, at best he was meant to be a doomed character, a cautionary tale and/or a tragic villain — because no matter what happens, he keeps ruining things for himself and refuses to accept that, putting the blame for his failures and feelings of inadequacy on others like megatron or optimus when, in reality, it’s always him who is reason why he can’t be happy

And this carries over into Robots In Disguise 2015 as well, when he returns to be the villain of season 3 (or 2.5, it’s complicated)

He returns to earth so he can find all of the 7 weaponizer mini-cons and link them to himself to become all powerful so he can kill megatron and conquer the galaxy

I’ve seen some people say that “the writers had to add on the ‘conquer the galaxy’ part to starscream’s plan because then it would be hard to justify why the heroes would want to stop a victim of abuse from killing his abuser” and just —tell me you don’t understand starscream’s character without telling me you don’t understand starscream’s character

My Sibling in Primus, starscream has been wanting to do that since the beginning of Transformers: Prime, that’s literally his main reason for constantly wanting to kill megatron all the time — so he can take his place as leader of the decepticons, defeat the autobots, and then become the ruler of Cybertron

While I do agree that starscream wanting megatron dead for all of the pain he caused him is definitely part of his motive here, this type of revenge is never going to shown as a good thing, nor should it

Even after its been several years since megatron left the decepticons after being used by unicron, even after all of cybertron seems to have moved on from the war, starscream can’t let his obsession with killing megatron go — and that isn’t a good thing

Bumblebee confirms that starscream has been assumed dead this entire time, meaning nobody was chasing or hunting him down, nobody was trying to turn him over to the new cybertronian government for his crimes — he could’ve used this as a way to escape it all and finally start anew, find other ways to make himself better and happier after having to deal with megatron looming over him for so long

But he didn’t

He stumbled upon an old megatron plan for gaining power and couldn’t help himself, he couldn’t let it go, he refused to break the cycle and he has no one to blame for continuing it but himself

When he finds the Dark Star Saber and uses it, the sword resists him, with him saying that it’s because the sword doesn’t find him worthy enough to weld it since it can tell he isn’t megatron, but he tries to weld it anyways

I’ve seen one person try to interpret this as a way to say that “this means he isn’t evil since the sword that was made for evil is rejecting him” which is the dumbest take ever, but here’s my interpretation of what the Dark Star Saber’s rejection means

Ever since his first appearance on screen, starscream has been trying to be the leader of the decepticons, the most powerful, the most feared, the most respected — he wants to be megatron so bad it’s painful — and everything that happens to him is telling him that he isn’t

But he refuses to accept that — of course he doesn’t, he’s starscream, megatron’s most disloyal second-in-command — and that’s all he’ll ever amount to as long as he walks his road of selfishness, anger, and revenge

And that’s what he does until he’s defeated again by Bumblebee and his team, because if there’s one thing that remains constant for starscream that isn’t his favorite hobby of Attempted Murder it’s his refusal to grow and change as a person

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

Sokkla actually saved my life.

In my early 20s, I had left my abusive family to move in with my high school sweetheart. But once we were living together, he showed a side of him I had never seen before.

He became abusive and cruel and began to cheat. And everytime he blamed everything on me and my depression and anxiety (I have PTSD from my childhood). He made it seem like this was the best I was ever going to get because no one would ever want a broken person like me.

Eventually he dumped me and left me with nowhere to go. I had to move back in with my abusive parents and I wanted to kill myself. They agreed with my boyfriend that no one would want me because I came back to them even more traumatized and mentally ill with mean outbursts and constant crying.

I genuinely thought it was over for me. I had always identified with Katara and Zuko the most, so I had shipped Zutara as a teen. But now I could no longer see myself in Katara because she was so strong and kind and everyone loved her.

I felt more like Zuko except a version of him that nobody could love with his scars. I began to see myself more like Azula. Doomed and tragic. The more hate I read about her, the more I searched for it and applied it to myself. Everytime someone called her irredeemable or unloveable, I took those words as a reminder to myself of how the world truly saw me. I guess it was a kind of self harm…

Eventually this became a late night ritual. And it was while doing this one night, sobbing my eyes out, that I clicked on what I thought was another fic about Azula being tortured and hated or punished and executed. But I must’ve misclicked because instead I ended up on a Sokkla fic.

And I don’t know if it was just my emotional state or how late it was, but by the end when Sokka showed her he could still love her, I just broke. I started looking for more Sokkla fics and art. Instead of looking for content punishing and hating Azula so I could harm myself, I started wanting to find stories where she healed and was happy. And Sokkla fics were so good about this without making Azula just a crazy person abuser or erasing all of her problems either.

Eventually I found metas written by some lovely Sokkla shippers on here and I decided that maybe, if I could be kinder to Azula, I could be kinder to myself.

But I made the mistake of sharing this on my tumblr and all my old Zutara friends FREAKED OUT. Lot all of them were mean about it, but some were. And eventually it ended up in tags that attracted other Zutara shippers and they attacked me over and over again, saying the most messed up things. Calling me mentally ill. Calling me homophobic. Calling me an abuse apologist. Even saying I must be an abuser and a horrible person if I identified with a psychopath like Azula at all. All because I said I like Sokkla now and it helped me.

I left the Zutara fandom that day. But I still love ATLA! I love Katara and Zuko as much as I used to, I just don’t really ship them anymore.

Sokkla is my ship now and it upsets me when people Zutara or TyZula or other fans bash it for no reason. Just like what you like and leave us alone! Zutara gives me panic attacks sometimes now because of it. I blocked all the tags and I’m never going back.

By the way, I’m doing better now! I’m back in school and I have new friends. One of my friends has a cute brother who likes ATLA. And his favorite character is Sokka. I asked him if he likes Sokkla and he said he had never thought about it before. But now we send each other fan art!

I have hope now, and a lot of that is thanks to friends and therapy. But Sokkla fandom helped me realize I deserved those things to begin with. If they could show empathy to Azula, then maybe people could show it to me too.

And to everyone in the Zutara or TyZula fandom who harasses people who ship Azula with people you don’t like: FUCK YOU.

Thank you for this blog. It helps me realize I’m not crazy. They really can be that mean and delusional. Sorry for the rant.

...Anon, do you want a hug?

[xxladyballadxx]

Open Your Heart

Joshua Rosfield x Reader

Summary: Your lover Joshua Rosfield, the dominant of Phoenix, urges you to open up to him instead of always pushing him away. 

(Note: This is quite similar to the one I wrote ages ago)

~ dividers by @/cafekitsune ~

You were never the type to talk about your feelings to anyone, even Joshua. He has been very concerned about your wellbeing. So is everyone at the hideaway. The other day, Jill knew something was wrong with you and she wanted to comfort you. You pushed her away and gave her the cold shoulder. Which made her upset and more worried. 

Next was Clive coming to try and talk to you, he even summoned you to his chambers wishing to speak to you in private. He said to you once that if you ever feel sad or angry, you can always talk to him or Jill. You did none of that. None. You continued to behave like this and not to talk to anyone about how you’re feeling. 

Clive didn’t have the urge to stop you from leaving his chambers so he just sat there, not knowing what to do. When Joshua came back from his journey, Clive had a word with him talking about you. 

Joshua told his older brother that you have been avoiding him quite a lot these past few days, he wondered why and Clive wasn’t really happy about it. He didn’t appreciate your behavior towards his own younger brother, even to Jill. Joshua promised Clive that he will talk to you. He rushed to your room and beat your door with a knock, “(Y/n)? Are you in there?” 

“Please go away…” You mumbled, urging him to leave you alone. You know Joshua, he’s not going to leave until you tell him what’s wrong. Joshua sighed, having no choice but to open the door and slammed it in anger behind him, “Do you truly mean to hurt me this way, (Y/n)? By pushing me away and not talking to me about the things that are bothering you? ” 

“Joshua, I-” Your words were cut off when Joshua marched closer to you, dropping on one knee and holding your hand, “Please do not continue to hurt me like this, (Y/n). I don’t want you to keep pushing me away…” his gaze was too sad to look at. Even though you couldn’t look away from him. By the tone of his voice, you could tell that he was hurting. Hurting for you. He sat by you on your bed, still holding your hand, “Open your heart to me, (Y/n), don’t keep it shut forever…” 

You heaved a long-short sigh of defeat, finally making eye contact with Joshua by your side. Perhaps you were too aloof towards him, to Clive and everyone. This helped you to realize that you’ve been shutting yourself away from people that care about you, even Joshua….

You buried your face sorrowfully into your hands, breaking down in tears as Joshua held you in his arms, “I’m so sorry…” you mumbled a apology in a low voice, “I’m just so fucking tired…” You looked up to Joshua in the eye with that crying face, “All this bloodshed, the war, everything. I don’t even know where to start. Ever since my family abandoned me of what I’ve become so long ago, I’ve been feeling so isolated and lost. Every night, I get nightmares of everyone I know leaving me… ”

Joshua felt a sting of pain deep in his heart, he hates to see you like this so much that it saddens him whenever you feel like the whole world is falling all around you. Tearing you apart piece by piece, bone by bone. “I wonder if I deserve to live or not. I asked myself that every day. I even wonder if people will care if I’m gone…” your words were deeper than a sword, it became a poison to Joshua. It wounded him mentally and physically, his heart shattered when you said those things. You were being very hard on yourself and Joshua is hurting because of those words that upset up entirely. 

“(Y/n), please don’t say those things like that. You know how much it hurts me!” Joshua cried with his voice breaking, his eyes were becoming watery but you couldn’t tell if he wanted to cry or not, “I would never truly be myself if you were gone.” He tightened the hold on your hand, his gaze locked on you, “I will never forgive myself if anything happens to you. Without you, (Y/n), I am empty. My life won’t be the same without you.” 

Does he actually mean that? 

Of course he does…

Your heart cried out after hearing those words from him, the little cracks on your heart were slowly beginning to fade. Your eyes created a stream of tears, sliding down to your pale-salted cheeks. 

Joshua snooped you into his arms, your head attached to his chest as he embraced you tenderly. “You are my greatest gift to me, (Y/n) and I am truly blessed to have you in my life. Never forget you will always have me…and the others too.” 

“I’m so sorry, Joshua…” you whimpered, your crying face still buried on his chest. 

“It’s alright, my love.” 

“I need to go and apologize to Clive and Jill for my unacceptable behavior….” 

“I will come with you, love.” 

~~~~~~~~

You gave a few knocks on Clive’s door, you have this feeling that he’s going to open with that scowling look on his face. Once the door was opened by him, no sense of anger came from him “(Y/n)..” Clive looked at you with worry, he didn’t seem angry. 

“Clive I’m-” you were interrupted when Jill rushed past Clive to hug you in comfort, “(Y/n)! We were so worried about you!” you returned the hug as you apologized, “I’m sorry for the other day, I didn’t mean to upset you both. Same with Joshua and everyone else here. It was never intentional…”

Clive smiled serenely, “What matters now is that you're feeling better, (Y/n). Remember that you are never alone.” 

“All is forgiven, (Y/n).” Says Jill with a reassuring soft smile, “We will always look out for you. Just know that we support you all the way. If you ever need someone to talk to, me and Clive will be here to listen.” 

You hugged Jill once again and then next was Clive, “Thank you…I can’t tell how much this means to me..” 

All was sorted out to the end, you thought Clive would be mad for you hurting Jill’s feelings. He wasn’t at all. He accepted your apology as he and Jill comforted you. It seemed that Clive didn’t want to upset you more by being angry with you, that could be the reason why. 

Joshua dragged you to the balcony to watch the horizon with him. You motioned your body to cuddle up next to his, holding his arm with such tenderness. He smiled gracefully down to you, pecking a kiss on your forehead and looked back to the scenery with the sun’s bliss of radiant glow flowing across the horizon. 

“It’s beautiful…” 

“Yes but…” Joshua turned to you as he pressed down his hands softly onto your shoulders, leaning to collide his lips towards yours, “Not as beautiful as you are, my love.”

─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───

a/n - Is it just me or are there not enough fanfics of Joshua Rosfield fanfics on here? (ㅠ﹏ㅠ)

Anyways, hope you all liked this!

UNTIL NEXT TIME 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───

[suffersinfandom]

I feel for the Izzy fans, I really do. It sucks to have your favorite character killed off, especially when you feel like their death serves no narrative purpose. It genuinely hurts to lose a character that you identify closely with, and it's okay to be sad and grieve. The character might not be real, but the grief is. Let people mourn. Don't be rude to the ones who are just being sad in their little corners of the internet, yeah?

That said.

Some of the stuff I've seen in the OFMD fandom today? Worst shit I've seen in a fandom that I love and care about, and grief is no excuse. I know I'm a no one in this fandom and I'm mostly typing into a void, but I've got to get some things out:

The show doesn't deserve to be canceled. None of the creators, producers, or writers deserve to be canceled. Nothing queerphobic, homophobic, or ableist happened.

Izzy's death was not an insult or a cruelty or a targeted attack.

David Jenkins and the rest of the writers did not gaslight and abuse anyone (yeah, those are take I've seen).

It wasn't "objectively" a cheap or meaningless or badly-written death. You can hate it and that's okay, but that's still subjective!

Izzy was not the main character or the "heart" of the show. The heart of the show -- the show itself -- is Ed and Stede's relationship. We have been told as much.

"Ed hasn't faced any consequences for his actions." He has though? He didn't gaslight girlboss his way back into everyone's hearts. Izzy is not Ed's hapless and helpless victim. He was almost beaten to death and ran around in a penitence onesie with a catbell on; I think those were consequences.

"How do you feel when gay characters are randomly killed off to help a straight couple progress their narrative? Not good, huh? That's how disabled fans feel." It's okay to feel that way, but don't make any sweeping assumptions about disabled fans. I'm disabled and I'm gonna say that's not what happened here.

"How dare you kill off this character who's abused, flawed, suicidal, disabled, and queer!" Ed is still right over there, yeah? Check, check, check, check, and check. (Little note: I've seen a lot of "he's not disabled!" Even if you don't buy the kneebrace ((Ed Teach with bad joints is so important to me, shhh)), what about invisible disabilities? What about mental health issues? I'm not here to diagnose a fictional character, but it's clear to me that Ed has mental health problems that dramatically impact his life.)

"It's sick that Izzy died in the arms of his abuser apologizing to him." I don't even know where to start with this one, but I get the feeling that some parts of the fandom only consider physical abuse valid. Mental, verbal, and emotional abuse are pretty fucking damaging and I think it's sick that some folks think they aren't actually abuse.

People who enjoyed the last episode of season two aren't media illiterate. People who love Gentlebeard aren't abusive narcissists.

I just.

I really, truly feel for Izzy fans for I too have lost a blorbo. I'm giving a huge hug to the Izzy enjoyers who aren't out there making threats and calling everyone abusers and being outright hostile to anyone who had the nerve to enjoy this season. Like, I genuinely hope you guys are doing okay, and if you need an ear, I'm game.

[diangelodork]

DBDA nightly analysis #25! (sorry i've been lacking lately, i have not been in the right mental state but i am BACK NOW BABYYYYY)

tonight's topic: crystal palace the girl that you are (character analysis bc she's been getting shit on so violently lately and DOES NOT deserve it.)

i will say - i didn't care all that much for crystal for quite a while until i really sat down to analyze her motivations and background, but it is the hate that some people have been spewing about her that motivated me to analyze her tonight.

crystal palace is flawed. of course she is. she is by no means perfect.

the first time we see her is in emma's flashback to her and crystal. she would play in a graveyard, frolicking about and taking polaroid pictures with this ghost of a young child. she was good enough friends with this child for her to seek out professional help to get her back. she was undoubtedly kind to her.

when we see her next she is dazed and confused, and still, she makes a rude remark. this is not because she is inherently bad, but because she still has that memory of being mistreated. now, she doesnt have all of her memories, but she has the memory that people weren't nice to her. she feels she must fit into that mold and that memory. the way she does that is by being a dick.

we see her a bit more in depth in her walk with charles. she expresses that she feels like people weren't the kindest to her and, knowing what we know about the way she was raised, that makes a lot of sense. she was excruciatingly neglected as a child and seeked attention. the best way to do that was negative attention. it was the easiest to accomplish.

she has her spats with edwin, but they are mostly (if not exclusively) initiated by him. she returns his energy. then we see some of the shit she goes through with david. he is incredibly abusive all throughout the series and it is very evident how predatory he is. he chose her because she was unloved. because she was vulnerable. she was easy to take advantage of.

her breaking down in E1 is so, SO important to me. we forget that she is MEANT to be flawed. she is imperfect. like the boys, she is but a sixteen year old and she is so deeply scared. she doesn't know who she is or how to cope with the fact that she doesnt know who she is. on top of that, this fucker that she's with (affectionate) won't stop shitting on her for NO reason. from the start, he was a douche to her (he has his motivations for this as well, but that doesn't mean it's not true) and now shes sitting here and calling her abuser and the fucker that has been tormenting and stalking her is being linked to her ("her demon") and she cant HANDLE that. shes been hanging on by a thread all of E1. shes been dealing with so fucking much, emotionally.

interestingly, edwin is not an emotional character when faced with other people's issues. i say this because he still garners more compassion than her. the way she treats the becky aspen case, especially, is so fragile and vulnerable. the way she immediately starts crying after looking into becky's mom's mind should have elicited more sympathy than it did and it's incredibly interesting that it didnt.

i will be the FIRST to say how important the "it's a lark to you!" scene is for edwin, but i never hear anyone discuss crystal's part in this conversation. shes so desperate and hurting and it's so strange that no one talks enough about that.

except no its not. i wish it was.

i truly think its an issue of her being a black woman and standing in the way of payneland. there is a lot of internalized misoginoir within how the fandom views her character. it is explicitly highlighted within the show how similar edwin and crystal are and a lot of the things she gets hate for are characteristics that are also incredibly prevalent in edwin's character. for example, her brashness and bluntness. it’s okay when it’s edwin, the white, queer twink of everyone’s dreams, but the second it’s a woman who is already on thin ice for the fandom because she’s standing in the way of the main ship, it’s easy to say she’s a bad person for this.

crystal is so unwavering as a character. she has such strong themes of feminism all throughout her story. she is able to separate from her abuser and intimidate and overpower him which is so STRONG. she is able to hone in on the divine femininity of her ancestors and THAT is where her power is derived from. she confronts a goddess of female vengance and justice and stands in front of her, demanding justice for the young girls slaughtered under her watch. she is inherently, at her core, good. she has done shitty, awful things in her past, but that happens when you are abused. it is not an excuse, but she is a CHILD who has been deeply abused. neglect is a form of abuse.

also, could you IMAGINE how it must feel to be such a deeply unloved character who KNOWS they are unloved. she is a psychic. she could see into the minds of her parents. she could always see their apathy. what a lonely fucking thing to go through, my god.

even still, when she was doing these awful things, she took the time to connect with a young girl and spend enough time with her for them to bond and for her to miss her. her first instinct (with the memories of her parent's neglect gone) is to cross an ocean to save a little girl. she is so deeply touched by maren and shelby's stories.

she is a flawed character, but they all are. she gets more hate than all of them and, if you are one of the people who hate her above all else, i want you to ask yourself why? these views are, of course, not held by the majority of the fandom, but it has become a big fuckin issue and i wanted to address it. acknowledge where it’s coming from, if you’re one of the people feeling a bit targeted by tonight’s analysis. love yall <3

[rfpetals]

Why I think Ramattra deserves a redemption arc

OKAY HEAR ME OUT. First of all, what I mean by “redemption arc” is a bumpy journey of self-discovery and inner peace akin to Zuko’s. I don’t think Ramattra will ever forgive humanity or join Overwatch. The end goal of a redemption arc that I want to see is one where he finds inner peace and forgives himself for his sins.

Exhibit A: It would parallel Zenyatta which is really cool because I love characters that are foils of each other and follow a similar path with an outcome opposite of the other’s and-

It’s implied that Zenyatta didn’t have the best circumstances before joining the Shambali. When Ramattra found him, he may have saved his life, as the “nearly got him killed” line in Ramattra:Reflections seems to allude to a dangerous situation. Ramattra also set him on the path of the Shambali, where Zen found belonging, purpose, and perhaps inner peace. Ram gave Zen a second chance and he turned his life around because of it.

(Side note: This may be why Zen was so adamant in helping Genji. He knew from experience what a second chance can do for someone. This makes Genji and Ram’s hatred for each other even funnier.)

It’s clear that Ram is not in the best mental state right now. I don’t think normal people attack the planet and subjugate their own people. I believe if Zen successfully reaches out to Ram and (somehow, idk we’re too early into the plot) gives him a second chance to go on a journey of self-discovery, and he does end up finding inner peace because of Zen, it would be a very satisfying payoff and poetic parallel. It would also lean into the implied thesis of Ramattra’s character arc: “You didn’t have to fight alone”.

Exhibit B: Throwing him in jail/killing him off would be a waste of potential

Yes, Ram needs to face the consequences of his actions. Yes, throwing him in jail is a realistic and satisfying punishment. But you know what else is a realistic and satisfying punishment?

Facing worse discrimination from the humans who hated you and hunted your kind to near extinction and also being cast out and feared by the very people you tried to save and now you’re left with the guilt and shame of your ultimate plan to help your people having failed and you’re left with nothing and nowhere to go. Seeing Ram struggle with these consequences, try and fail to be better, and finally achieve inner peace for himself despite everything, would be ten times more narratively satisfying than watching him rot in jail for 10+ years.

Exhibit C: The seeds are already in place

There’s already a lot of foreshadowing and word choice in Overwatch official media that implies that this is the direction that Ram may be heading towards. Hell, even Ram himself has literal redeeming qualities. In one of the Ram Dev Updates, it’s stated that the Narrative Designers wanted Ram to be “exciting, felt understandable, dangerous, and someone you wanted to get to know better”. In the iconic Invasion cutscene, there is a lot of stuff that Mondatta says to Ram, and his reply, “Perhaps, one day, we truly will be together again”, implies he once had hope for peace, which could be a key motivation in his arc, or could lead to a realization he needs. In a 2022 Polygon article, it’s explicitly stated that “players should not think of Ramattra as a villain, but an ‘antagonist’”, again, alluding to the possibility that he’s meant to have an arc. There’s also the fact that Talon is clearly being set up as the bigger, actual villain, and they’re cooking up some sort of plot that leads to their betrayal of Ram. Why else would Doomfist send Mauga, Reaper, and Sombra to steal Ram’s technology instead of just asking him for it? (maybe he did and Ram told him to fuck off)

Ok so, Ramattra gets a redemption arc. What happens? I DON’T KNOW! YIPPEE!! Exhibit D is that Ram is already such an unpredictable and complex character that his journey could go in any direction.

He could try to regain his following, he could atone for his sins, he could return to the Shambali, he could try to reconnect with humans again, he could be an ally of (not join) Overwatch and get to know them, he could wander the world and find the answers somewhere out there, he could see the errors of his ways and try to rebuild the world he destroyed knowing full well that it wouldn’t make people forgive him and he does it because his journey has led him to a path where he finally chooses to do things for himself and achieve the life HE wants and thus fulfilling the sacrifice and wish Aurora made for him, meaning he accepts his own sentience and finds inner peace! What makes the possibility of a redemption arc so fun and exciting is that anything can happen. It’s what storytelling is all about!

Why wouldn't you want that? And why can't I be a little delusional sometimes? If Ramattra ends up being thrown in jail or nuked or whatever, I will definitely be disappointed, unless I am horribly wrong and the foreshadowing is actually pointing to that fate instead.

Anyway Bliz please stop dumping the budget into collabs and pay attention to the lore more thanks farewell

[blacklesbothatlovestowrite]

On My Mama Pt. 8 (Oh, how the mighty have fallen)

Tags: @mixedfandxms @shurislover @sweetalittleselfish-honey @desswright29 @cutttteeee @onyxstones-world @katymae12344 @doramilaj233 @sweetalittleselfish-honey @6-noir @khara876 @she-is-my-unrequited-love34 @teadah18 @un-deniable-me3 @anayaperry @lppriceisright

-

“Oh, great!” Your mother scoffs, as she downs yet another glass of whiskey straight. She was in a self pity mood.

Nothing had went the way she’d planned. She had no intentions of arguing with you, let alone hitting you. Shed worked on what she’d say when she saw you and everything she’d planned disappeared the moment she’d seed that girl.

She couldn’t stand the girl. Hate was too strong a word for how she felt about that girl.

Why did she have to be there? Why was she your roommate ? Why was this happening ?

God, she thought she could do this but clearly she wasn’t ready. The thought of talking to you again was nauseating. She didn’t have the courage to speak to you and say what she’d planned on saying.

You were so determined to hate her. She didn’t know how to change that or fix it. And what she’d said and done was possibly the worst thing she could’ve ever done. She stooped so much lower than she ever could have.

“You need help.” Shuri says, shaking her head as she stared at your mother.

“Get the fuck out of here!” Your mother hisses, signaling the bartender to send another drink her way. She planned on getting so drunk she forgot about this horrid day even if it was only temporary.

“I shouldn’t be here. Y/n would kill me if she knew I was talking to you but…” Shuri shook her head. This was more important. She couldn’t keep holding this secret from you. You deserved better and she knew that.

“You know Y/n’s always had a thing for you.” Your mother chuckles as the bartender places another drink in front of her.

“It wasn’t shocking you found yourself attracted to her. She’s gorgeous.” Your mother continued as she knocked the drink back as if it were a shot.

“Y/m/n. Stop.” Shuri grinds her teeth. She knew she shouldn’t have come after her. She’d spent quite a few enjoyable hours tiring you out and slipped out the moment your eyes closed and your breathing returned to normal.

“It’s a compliment..” Your mother shrugged. It truly was. You were beautiful, always had been. You looked like the perfect mix of her and your father. The thought making her insides turn. She hated thinking about him.

He’d died so horribly. She felt robbed. She felt as though you were robbed. There was so much she’d planned to tell him before he died.

Guilt swallowed her whole being. She couldn’t face the fact that he was gone. She knew in her head that he was long gone. Dead. Buried. But for some reason she couldn’t let go of him. So here she was like she’d done for so long. Drinking.

She drank every day . Every night. She was constantly drinking day in and day out as if it were hydrating her. Instead she was only damaging herself, something she knew but ignored just to feel a temporary relief.

“You cried that night about wanting a better relationship with your daughter and have done absolutely nothing to make that a reality. You think drinking is fixing your problem?” Shuri’s eyes roamed over your mother’s messy clothing. She had always been so put together but right now she was covered in alcohol and white remnants of what she chose to ignore.

From the look of her messy hair, smudged lips and tear streaked face. It was obvious she’d been fucked by yet another stranger.

She pitied your mother. While she knew exactly where your mother was mentally and emotionally. She couldn’t completely empathize with her. She chose the way things played out. She was the reason her own daughter hated her. She was the reason her husband had died. She was the common denominator in all of the equation and yet there was no accountability or actions taken to improve.

It was like watching. A train wreck, it was truly horrific and sickening but yet she couldn’t walk away or look away. She knew there was nothing she could do to help your mother but yet she felt like she owed it to you to do so.

You lost your dad in part due to her actions whether accidental or not. There was no taking back the actions that let to his death and for that she felt absolutely guilty.

“I seem to recall you drinking like there was no tomorrow and smoking your problems away.” Your mother pointed out, scoffing at the judgment.

“Yeah well. I’m currently working on healing, because I want to be who my mother and brother would be proud of. I want to be who Y/n deserves. She’s had enough disappointment and hurt to last a lifetime.” Shuri corrected her.

“Y/n is incapable of letting anyone love her. She’s never been able to commit to anything or anyone. You won’t change that.” Your mother shakes her head. “I know my daughter. She’s full of so much love but she’ll never show it. I raised her that way because this world is cruel and life is unfair. You’ll never break her.”

“I wouldn’t want to.” Shuri responded. Clearly seeing where you got your issues from. You liked to act like you didn’t care about anything or anyone but she knew better. She picked up on how much you cared for people, despite trying to pretend you didn’t.

It’s why you were able to forgive Riri, even if you pretended that you hadn’t. She knew better. The same could be said for when you forgave her. You were a loving and sensitive woman but you refused to show people that side of you.

“You think Y/n will ever love you?” Your mother laughed, tears streaming down her face as she laughed.

“Y/n was right. You should leave.” Shuri declared, walking off. She hated how that statement made her feel. She was unsure of your feelings for her. She knew you liked Riri even if you acted as though you couldn’t stand her.

While you had forgiven her, your feelings towards her seemed unclear. Sex seemed to be the only thing holding you two together and that scared her. Something she’d spoken about with her therapist. She didn’t want to care about another person. She couldn’t deal with losing anyone else but the thought of you not caring for her like she did you frightened her like hell.

The rest of the night Shuri spent at the lab. She hadn’t worked on any research in a while and she had no urge to at the moment which was baffling to her. She’d been so stuck in a constant cycle of being locked in her lab, drinking, smoking and fucking random women.

She hadn’t had sex with Riri since the Bria debacle and she wasn’t so sure she’d go there again. It hurt like hell when she found out she’d been used to get to Riri. She didn’t love Bria, but she did feel close to her. She trusted her, she felt like she was a second to Riri in terms of someone to keep her grounded and who cared.

She couldn’t process her feelings of betrayal, hurt and anger when everything hit the fan. She’d always felt insecure and insignificant. While she’d been uplifted and loved/doted on by her family. Shuri never had true friends until Riri. Okoye, Aneka and Ayo were family. Just as Nakia and Challa were.

Then she’d been in private lessons her whole life, kept inside and monitored unlike T’Challa whom was free to roam all over Wakanda without question. While she was constantly out with family. She never really had friends to socialize with.

She was a huge Outsider social site fan because of her isolation. Which taught her how to be more social and helped her pick up things she otherwise wouldn’t have known about.

She’d met a few daughters and sons of the tribe but people tended to keep their distance respectfully. They viewed the royal family as ‘unapproachable’ not because they were but as a sign of respect. Something she absolutely detested.

Her parents were always so big on being contained in a safe bubble that she often felt suffocated. T’Challa was her best friend, when she’d lost him it felt like a part of her had died as well. He’d known all of her secrets, he was the first person she’d call whenever she needed him.

He was always there for her. He loved her and accepted her when she’d stated that she was interested in women. Even helped her to update her style to fit her, by taking her on several secretive shopping trips. She was a stem. She was both feminine and masculine. She could be girly or be boyish and both were very attractive to everyone.

Bria made her feel comfortable and safe. Seen. She was someone to talk to that didn’t push for her to change or ‘do better’ she simply accepted her where she was in her grieving process. Riri constantly pushed and tried to make her ‘heal’ and at times it really angered her because she wasn’t fully ready to let go of her feelings surrounding the loss of her family members.

She knew that if she let go of her anger, her sadness, her grief… It would mean they were really gone. That she could no longer pretend that things weren’t true. She’d have to accept that they would never come back and she hated to think of that. She wanted her family, needed them.

Riri couldn’t fully understand. She’d lost her father and best friend, but Shuri? Shuri had lost her entire family, her bloodline depended on her and Toussaint. Her children wouldn’t know their grandparents, their uncle firsthand. They would have secondhand memories and stories and that hurt.

She wanted them to know their grandfather , know what it was to be comforted and taught by him. To know their grandmother who was full of wisdom and love, who could turn the saddest and most difficult days into the best days of their lives. To know how loyal and supportive their uncle was. To be able to tell him all their secrets without fear of being judged or reprimanded.

So much would be missed, and she couldn’t fathom how she’d ever fill in those voids. Her family was completely gone, there was no replacing what she had lost. At times she thought about not having her own children at times as she had no mother to go through motherhood with.

She barely had the emotional support needed to give her children all they would need. She was one person.

Bria eased all those concerns and expectations by not making her think of anything but the current moment. She made her feel like she could finally breathe and that was everything to her.

-

The next morning you woke to see Shuri wasn’t there and her side of the bed was cold. You frowned, not liking the fact that she’d left without saying anything or leaving a note.

You shouldn’t have cared but you did. It was the little things that mattered to you. You needed people to care about you. You’d spent so long just having your father care about you.

As much as you warred with your feelings, you still felt good knowing that people cared. You felt lonely and as much as you hated to admit, you felt genuine care with both Shuri and Riri but in different ways.

You still held unresolved resentment towards Riri for what she’d done but it was hard to stay mad at her. You felt this closeness to her that you couldn’t explain.

Stretching, you climbed out of Shuri’s bed and made your way to the bathroom. You used her mouthwash and brushed your teeth with your second toothbrush stored in her bathroom. After washing and drying your face you peed, wiped, flushed and washed your hands.

Walking to the kitchen you smelt food and raised a brow as Riri gestured to the kitchen island with a nod of her head. She set a plate down with powdered sugar French toast, cut up mangos and a homemade mango syrup.

There was freshly squeezed orange juice with the leftover mango juice. She’d even placed cut up mango’s on the side in a small bowl. You smiled as she gave you a fork. The way you love mangoes this was a huge help in garnering your forgiveness.

It was your favorite fruit, top of the list. Any variation of mango from any country. Sweet, or green with some salt or Tajín. You absolutely loved mangoes, no question.

“What’s all this for ?” You asked, taking a seat at the kitchen island.

“I figured you needed a pick me up after yesterday.” Riri shrugged, as she placed two pills by the glass of juice she set out for you.

“Thank you.” You grinned.

She went about the task of cleaning up after herself but you quickly got up and stopped her. She was not going to clean after she cooked. You believed in fairness, if someone cooked it was only fair the other person cleaned.

“I got it.” You assured her, pulling her by the hand to the kitchen island to eat. As you both sat down, you’d shared your breakfast with her.

It was delicious which wasn’t surprising, Riri knew how to cook and really good too.

As much as you wanted to pretend you didn’t like her, things like this made it hard. She was always being thoughtful, always feeding you when she knew you wouldn’t bother. You were an oatmeal or ready made shake kind of girl in the mornings out of convenience and laziness.

“I’m sorry about last night…” You mumble, feeling embarrassed and hurt at her rejection. It still was fresh on your mind.

It was hard to admit you liked her, so for her to reject you when you offered yourself up to her… it felt like a blow to the gut. Friends don’t look at friends that way… She could pretend all she wanted but you weren’t crazy. She wanted you. You thought, you weren’t fully certain and maybe it was wishful thinking but you needed her to want you.

“An apology, wow my food must really be good.” Riri joked, bumping your shoulder gently.

You said nothing and she quickly stopped laughing, and turned her body in the chair to face you.

“I’m sorry for everything I did.” Riri forces you to look her in the eyes, her hand on your chin. “It was despicable and downright cruel. There aren’t words adequate enough to describe how much I hate what I did to you. There’s no explanation I could give because nothing will change my actions or justify them. I was wrong and I am sorry.”

You swallowed. Not many people apologized to you, and you weren’t very big on apologizing either. You felt slightly uncomfortable at the feelings you felt for Riri. Her apology made your stomach have these weird feelings and that scared you.

“I’m sorry too.” You blurted out, the words feeling like vinegar on your tongue.

“You—“

You cut her off by kissing her. You weren’t entirely sure what made you do it but the moment your lips touched, you felt that feeling in your stomach intensify. It was both exhilarating and terrifying. Her lips were soft and smooth.

Riri was frozen in place as you kissed her. She was shocked. She never saw it coming. This wasn’t a vindictive or sexual kiss. It wasn’t like any of the kisses you’d shared with Bria or Shuri. She’d seen enough of them to know. There was no tongue, no urgency to touch her.

You moved away from her lips and stared at her.

“I don’t want to be your friend.” You finally admitted the one thing you were fighting so hard to bury. Riri stared at you in confusion. “And you don’t want to be my friend either.”

It wasn’t clear to you why you felt the need to say that but the moment the words left your mouth, you felt better for some reason. You thought about that saying your dad always said ‘the truth shall set you free’ it felt like you were being honest with yourself for the first time in a long while.

“I like you Arianna. I don’t know why, God knows I have tried to fight it. But I can’t… it hurts me to be mad at you and I hate it. I should hate you, I’ve tried but I just can’t seem to no matter how hard I try.” Your heart felt like it was about to burst out of your chest. It was like you couldn’t stop talking.

Riri’s brows raised, she hadn’t expected that. If the kids threw her for a loop, your words were scrambling her brain right now. No one called her by her given name, not many people knew it but hearing you say it made her melt. She didn’t think she wanted you to call her anything else.

“I love you.” Riri blurted, her eyes locked on yours. How could she not? You were an amazing woman. You had so many great qualities, she knew you built up this mean, tough exterior to protect yourself. You were kind and loving, you cared about everyone. Even when people hurt you and you were being mean, you still cared for them.

She loved how blatant you were, even if the words were a bit harsh. You spoke your mind. You were so creative and innovative even though you hid your work and tried to act like it was nothing. There were so many things that made her fall for you.

It was what made her so determined to help you, to heal you. You had so much anger, resentment and unresolved feelings that were holding you back from being the woman she knew you could be. That you deserved to be. She wanted you to be capable of receiving love and genuine affection. Not just sexual affection.

The both of you were so caught up in each other, neither of you noticed the sound of the door opening. Shuri had been listening to your conversation for a while, she felt a pain like she’d never known. It was different than when Bria had used her.

She couldn’t form words. There was nothing she could say at the moment. She couldn’t disrespect you or Riri. She cared for you both, and had so much respect for each of you. She couldn’t even be angry. She just stood still, trying to process her thoughts and emotions.

“And here I thought I was fucked up…” Your mother said, breaking the moment. You looked up to see Shuri standing in the entry way. She had a look on her face that made your stomach turn.

You looked behind her to see your mother, she was a drunken mess. It was a shocking and pitiful experience to see her in such a way. She was normally always put together.

“Why are you here?” You leveled her with a cool stare. You weren’t in the mood for her or her bullshit.

“I wanted to talk about yesterday… but clearly this is more important.” Your mother shook her head. “You can’t fuck that girl.”

There was so much hatred in the way she said that girl. You were instantly on the defensive. Who was she to tell you what you could and couldn’t do? Was this another one of her truth talks where she admitted she fucked someone she shouldn’t have?

You instantly turned to face Riri, already starting to overthink. Riri’s eyes widened as she quickly realized where your mind was taking you. She shook her head. She would NEVER go there. It wasn’t shade towards Shuri because Shuri hadn’t known you or your ties to your mother but knowing you now… she could never do that. Nina was one thing, but your mother? Absolutely not.

“Why is this any of your business?” You turned back to your mother, relief evident in your face.

“She’s your sister.” Your mother said, her eyes full of guilt and resentment.

Shuri stared at the two of you in shock. What in the actual fresh hell was going on?

“What have you been drinking? It clearly needs to be taken off the market because you’re tweaking.” Riri stared at your mother incredulously. She clearly was not ok in the head.

“Y/n… I cheated on your dad with a man I loved more than I ever thought possible. I was in Chicago for a few months. He was my neighbor for the apartment I subleased. It wasn’t intentional, but I couldn’t stay away from him. He didn’t know I was with your dad. Your dad was focused on building his company and school. He barely had time for me, I felt alone. I didn’t plan it, it just happened. Then it grew into something more and I planned on divorcing your dad.” Your mother looked like she was going to be sick.

“Your father found out that I was married and he told me he never wanted to see me again. I wasn’t as known when we’d met but by the end of our relationship I was recognized all over. Our affair had been discovered and I was plastered all over the news papers and magazines. I remember the look on his face when he found out. He couldn’t even look at me. He moved in the middle of the night, I couldn’t find him. He quit working at the garage he worked at. Your dad… he was a forgiving man. He flew to Chicago and he told me he forgave me, that he was sorry for neglecting me and that he loved me. I was abandoned by the man I truly loved and I didn’t want to be alone so I chose to stay with your dad and go back home with him. I found out I was pregnant a month later.” The more she talked, the more your hatred for her grew.

“It made no sense to break your dad’s heart anymore than I had. While I wasn’t in love with him, I did love him. So I made him believe that you were his. Things were fine for a while until your first birthday. I saw your father, he was with a woman that’s the carbon copy of this girl and he was holding a little baby a few months younger than you. I later learned it was his girlfriend and I knew it would have been a mess to speak up so I made sure he didn’t see me or you and I left.” Your mother was crying and you couldn’t feel an ounce of sympathy for her.

“Every time I think you can’t stoop to a new low, you amaze me. You are complete garbage.” You wipe the tears that are leaking, and move past Shuri to shove your mother out of your apartment.

“What was his name?” Riri finds her voice again, feeling sick to her stomach.

“Mecca.” Your mother says, and Riri looks from her to you.

“Don’t ever talk to me again.” You say, with a heavy heart. Your mind felt like it was going to explode with all the information you’d learned.

-

Until next time 🫨