#the cover/songbook

[nelson-riddle-me-this]

THE MOST ROOTIN' TOOTIN' SONGS OF 1963

[thebeautifulbook]

Fifteenth century heart-shaped songbook Chansonnier de Jean de Montchenu.

[thesobsister]

Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gormé, "Black Hole Sun"

Lounge singer and Great American Songbook standard bearer par excellence Steve Lawrence, né Sidney Liebowitz, has died, age 88. He joins his wife, Eydie, who predeceased him by 10 years.

I could've gone with one of his solo hits such as "Go Away Little Girl" or even one of their many recordings from the aforementioned songbook, but their cover of Soundgarden captured their ability to interpret even the most diverse material in their style and unironically do a terrific version of it.

The two of them were variety show mainstays and ubiquitous in the '60s. When one said "Steve and Eydie," everyone knew whom you meant. He was also a regular guest on The Carol Burnett Show and made a number of other prime-time appearances.

aav.

[nofatclips]

I Turn To You (Melanie C cover) by Cornelia Jakobs @ Eurovision 2023

[1000-directions]

doot doot dooooo doot doot dooooo doot doot dooooo doot doot dooooo doot doot doooooooooooo

[doyoulikethissong-poll]

Soggy Bottom Boys - I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow 2000

"I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow" is a traditional American folk song first recorded by Dick Burnett, a partially blind fiddler from Kentucky. The song was originally titles "Farewell Song" when printed in a Richard Burnett songbook in 1913. Burnett recorded the song in 1927 but this version was unreleased and the master recording destroyed. The first commercially released record was by Emry Arthur in 1928, and which gave the song its current title.

It's been covered plenty of times during the years with lyrical tweaks, but the biggest impact worldwide happened with the release of the 2000 film O Brother, Where Art Thou?, where it plays a central role in the plot, earning the three runaway protagonists public recognition as the Soggy Bottom Boys. The song had lead vocals by Dan Tyminski, who also was the vocalist on Avicii's 2013 hit "Hey Brother". "I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow" received a CMA Award for "Single of the Year" in 2001 and a Grammy for "Best Country Collaboration with Vocals" in 2002, and also named Song of the Year by the International Bluegrass Music Association in 2001. It earned a total of 70,4% total yes votes here.

If you love great movies with amazing music, please do check this one out! :D <3

[genderkoolaid]

Kind of related to the 't makes you a mansplainer' thing I'm always amazed by thr difference in the way people perceive my music now. Pre t people thought it was cool that I played guitar but the second my voice started dropping and my beard started coming in people started getting annoyed by it. I started getting "no one wants to hear wonderwall" (I've never played that song) and "we don't need another man with an acoustic guitar". I don't even pass yet. That shift was instantaneous. And it's from the exact same people who thought it was cool before at a queer drop in center i go to, they used to turn down the music playing in the center because people were listening to me, going through my songbook and making requests. Now I'm lucky if I can play 1 song before someone tells me to stop because "no one wants to hear another man with an acoustic guitar"

It really hurts makes me want to quit playing.

Like I know t ruined my singing voice but damn, I just want to play my guitar I worked hard to teach myself to play.

Its so aggravating to me how cis, binary feminism has people treating trans men like we aren't an oppressed group. Erasing all of our unique experiences and struggles and perspectives to make us seem like Cis Men But Short And Weird. Your experience reminds me of people talking about how they went from being praised for being a woman in a male-dominated field to being ashamed of transitioning because they "failed" to "be a role model". In both cases, there's this assumption that trans men don't need support, that our accomplishments aren't hard-won, that we never struggle to make a place for ourselves in society. I mentioned in the notes of a post how we need a good word to describe being unfairly cast as an oppressor to cover up/ignore oppression (not just for transandrophobia but also antisemitism) because its so fucking concerning!! Its like people are specifically blinding themselves to trans men's transness and doing everything in their power to act like we're cis men. And its because thats basically what cis feminism does- there are only two roles, Woman (oppressed) and Man (oppressor), and by and large it only has two ways of reacting to trans men: either we're oppressed (by misogyny and nothing else) Women, or we're oppressors and Men. There isn't any way for us to place ourselves in this binary without harming ourselves. And so much of the time, this ideology ends up with us being punching bags for other people to take out their anger and trauma from cis men at an target they can have power over, while justifying it by saying that we're privileged men who need to suck it up and stop being so sensitive.

I'm going on a tangent but the point is: I'm mad as fuck that you are getting treated like this. I absolutely do want to hear more trans men playing acoustic guitar, because I never get to see trans men doing fucking anything! Being recognized as men and as equally male as cis men should not have to come at the cost of being recognized and supported like other marginalized genders. I'm so sorry you've had to go through that and I hope you are able to find people & a community that celebrates you and your talents like you deserve.

[mswyrr]

come fly with me: dragons as a romantic symbol

In 1x01 Rhaenyra asks Alicent to fly on Syrax with her not once but twice.

Now, one of the key things for analyzing what that means in a text is to look and see if there are any other examples of a dragonrider making a similar offer to someone. And there is! One single example in this show, found in the same episode.

It coming in the same episode further enhances its connection: when two thing are placed close together in a text like that we're meant to consider the connection. It provides a pattern for us to read what its meaning is - and in that other example it is an erotic act between two lovers.

The framing and behavior of the lovers conveys this:

Mysaria's face is at first wary and then astonished, overjoyed. And her lover is proud to share this. There is pleasure in this act for both of them. It's a sharing of potency, power, beauty and a unique intimacy only a few people in the whole world can offer. It is, furthermore -- an act of power that we learned in S2 is an expression of the dangerous freedom Rhaenyra envied in Dae/mon and longed to be allowed to embody.

When Rhaenyra kept asking Alicent to fly with her she wanted *this* - to be proud and share of herself--the most powerful, dangerous, and beautifully unique part of herself--in an intimate, romantic way, to astonish and give pleasure to her lady. The girl she longed to not only share this intimacy with, but see the great wonders of the world and travel with, just the two of them.

Casting our net of analysis out further in the canon, are there other examples of dragons as metaphors for Rhaenyra's romantic feelings? Yes! One that most stands out to me re: her sapphic desire is that, early on in their dynamic, Mysaria notes that a dragon seems "lonely" (a comment that stops Rhaenyra short; she is herself feeling very lonely and unsupported at that time) and later--after kissing and coming to trust and rely on each other--Mysaria and Rhaenyra have an intimate, vulnerable conversation under two dragons flying together in joy.

Okay, is there an example of flight/dragons related to Alicent's romantic feelings? Also yes! In her lowest point, as she despairs of all she's built her life on, she looks up to the heavens and sees a bird soaring high - free and in flight, like Rhaenyra and Syrax, like the freedom she was once offered. And then she draws up all her courage and goes to the enemy camp to seek that - explicitly offering ("come with me") what Rhaenyra once offered her.

I don't think they will ever get to have a flight together on dragonback. I think the fact that they won't represents all the wonder and joy they never got to have, but both wished deeply to enjoy together. The invitation to fly with me never realized symbolizes everything they never got to have.

(Even if they kissed or had sex in canon, that is actually less potent symbolically than flying - they will never get to fly together because it represents wholeness fully realized. Crossing over from the youthful bond they had into the full flowering of the romantic and erotic that young Rhaenyra wanted to try for and Alicent was scared of and older Alicent tried for "too late." It represents a *life* together.)

Casting our net of analysis out even further - does flight represent romance and eroticism in other texts? It absolutely does! Flying is so often used as an erotic/romantic metaphor that it could be considered cliche. A few that come immediately to mind for me are: "Come Fly With Me" (lyrics, Spotify) a classic of the American Songbook, covered by legends like Frank Sinatra and "Fly Me to the Moon" (lyrics, Spotify), another classic covered by legend Ella Fitzgerald. There's also Steppenwolf's 1960s Rock hit "Magic Carpet Ride" (lyrics, Spotify). And, OF COURSE, Lea Salonga & Brad Kane's performance of "A Whole New World" (lyrics, Spotify) the song from the magic carpet ride in Aladdin (1992), a sequence where two young people break through all the barriers and social restrictions binding them and find joy and pleasure together in flight. That's what young Rhaenyra wanted for her and Alicent!

"I want to fly with you on dragonback, see the great wonders across the Narrow Sea, and eat only cake."

I can show you the world

Shining, shimmering, splendid

Tell me, Princess

Now, when did you last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes

Take you wonder by wonder

Over, sideways and under

On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world

A new fantastic point of view

No one to tell us no

Or where to go

Or say we're only dreaming

[folk-enjoyer]

Song of The Day/history of cotton eyed joe

do you want the history of a folk song? dm me or submit an ask and I'll do a full rundown

"Cotton Eyed Joe" Terry Callier, 1963

As a disclaimer, "Cotton Eyed Joe" is my least favorite American folk song and I'm going to talk about why, and I'm going to talk about why Terry Callier's version is subversive and good.

The Earliest date we have for the song's origins is from 1882 when it was Published in "Diddie, Dumps, and Tot, or, Plantation child-life" by Louise Clark-Pyrnelle. This book is a nostalgic recollection of her childhood as a plantation owner's daughter. She reminisces fondly about slavery, missing the old plantation days. Honestly, some of the quotes within this book are beyond parody, in one sentence she says "... My little book does not pretend to be any defense of slavery" and in the next sentence when referring to the morality of slavery she writes, "there are many pros and cons to that subject", later at the end of the chapter she laments about the forever lost emotional connection between the Masters children and the enslaved people. hate this woman and her little book.

It is also important to note that this book goes out of its way to caricature black people, throughout the book she exaggerates accents and dialects to dehumanize them. This is a recurring theme in early publications of this song. Another early publication of the song comes from Dorothy Scarborough in "On the Trail of negro folk-songs" 1925 who got it from her sister who also learned it on a plantation, in Texas. She writes "This is an authentic slavery-time song" This book, if you can believe it, is remarkably racist and dismissive of black music, even as a more "progressive" songbook of black folk songs.

In 1922, the song's history was documented a bit more extensively by Thomas W. Talley in his book "Negro folk rhymes". He writes that it has "deep roots in black traditional lore". Thomas W. Talley was also just a cool guy in general, this book is one of the first compilations of African American folk songs, and it has been a pioneering book in its field. Even today, this book is still one of the best sources for the history of African American folk songs.

So, this is a black song. This was a black song whose first wave of popularization was through the caricature of black people to be amusing for white folks. Let's move on to its second wave of popularization.

The song was first recorded in 1927 by "Dykes Magic City Trio" (all white band) then about a week later by Fiddlin' John Carson (white performer) then in 1928 by Pope's Arkansas Mountanaineers (all white band) then in 1929 by Carter Brothers and Son (all white band) and then it wasn't really recorded for a while because of the great depression and the war but the times it was recorded, it was by white people. We know this because it was mostly recorded by John Lomax and despite documenting southern folk songs, he almost went out of his way to avoid recording black people singing them. Then, in 1941, it was recorded by Burl Ives (painfully white).also covered by a few white country singers like Adolph hofner bob willis but I think you get the point. It wasn't until later that year that it would be recorded by a black person, performed by josh white in 1944-45, who covered it as a lullaby.

However, it wouldn't be until the 90s, during its 3rd wave of popularization that it became its most grotesque. "cotton eye joe" was recorded and released by Swedish Eurodance band Rednex in 1995 as a, to paraphrase reviews, 'Way to make fun of backwater southerners'. This song became incredibly popular throughout Europe and in the USA as well, charting as a number-one song in several countries, sometimes for weeks. Not only is this song incredibly classist, it is, whether by omission or deliberately, fundamentally racist, adding to the whitewashing of black folk and minstrelsy of black people. The attitude and humor derived from the Swedish version are the same as the version in 1882 when it was a "classic slave song".

So, why is Terry Callier's version important, why talk about it? Terry Callier's version is the first version of the song that I have heard and it is not a comedy. It isn't meant to be funny. It slows the melody down and draws attention to itself. It's almost a ballad, showcasing Joe as a tragic but mysterious hero, maybe a love song. His voice is angelic as well. Terry Callier once again, subverts expectations and creates something beautiful out of a song that has been so whitewashed and appropriated that no one remembers its tragic origins.

Thomas W. Talley

some other versions by black folks Josh white 1944-46 Nina simone 1959 The Ebony Hillbillies 2004 Leon bibb 1962 Ella Jenkins 1960 Josh White Jr 1964 Queen Ida 1985

[gooch-cancer]

Steven Meeks x (GN!) Piano Player! Reader

In which: You are a church pianist for the Welton church whose gentle melodies caught the attention of Steven Meeks

A/N: there is literally no reason that this should've taken as long as it did and im sorry 😭😭 anyway yeah...i hope you guys like this :3 prevvie here!!:

Chapter 7:

That Sunday morning Steven sat in his pew in between Pitts and Charlie. He wrung his little beanie in his hands, doing his best to exert his nervous energy. His thumb traced over the embroidered insignia on the hat. The Welton coat of arms, a gift his parents got him when they told him that they put him in some school in Vermont. For the longest time he hated them for it. He had a life down in South Carolina, he knew the place, knew the town. To be sent to somewhere so different, it kind of messed him up. He looked back up at you to distract himself. He saw your fingers gently tap at the keys without playing.

Even when you were up on stage you always found time to make yourself better. He admired that about you, how tenacious you seemed to be. Suddenly you began playing again, Mr.Nolans voice booming through the room as he began to sing. He leaned over and looked over at Pitts's songbook as he sang along.

Afterward he approached you on your bench, you gently tapped the keys again as he greeted you. You looked up at him, your eyes met his. They sparkled with a sort of playful glint.

He grinned big and wide while he spoke, "Um...me and my friends we have this sort of club, we call The Dead Poets Society," You nodded for him to continue and he did, "Would you like to join us tonight? 9 pm in the old cave that's in the middle of the woods outside of the school," He saw your eyebrows furrow together for a second as you thought this over.

You looked at him slightly weirded out, "A cave?"

He nodded and rubbed the back of his neck, "Y-yeah a cave. We like just fool around and read poetry and tell stories."

You scoffed and chuckled, "Sounds like fun,"

He looked at you his eyebrows raised, "So, does that mean you wanna come?"

You nodded, "Yeah, yeah and for the record that cave is called Heavens Light because of the hole in the middle,"

Steven chuckled, feeling slightly embarrassed, "Oh- yeah sorry I'm not from here,"

You shrugged your shoulders, "No it's fine, I'm sure not all the Welton boys are from here. Where are you from?"

Steven sheepishly replied, "Um South Carolina,"

You looked at him confused, "You don't have an accent though?"

He shrugged, unsure what to say, "Well uh it's not really that deep south, I'm guessing you're from here?"

You nodded, "Oh yeah I am, I go to the public school here, Ridgeway High?,"

"Oh so do you know Chris?" Steven asked with raised eyebrows.

You pursed your lips as you thought for a second, "Chris...no don't tell me, um Chris Noel?"

Steven smiled, "Yeah! You know her?"

You shrugged, "I mean yeah, we have a couple of classes together but we're not friends. Why do you ask?"

"Oh I uh my friend Knox is really into her and I was just wondering if you knew each other,"

You waved your hands, "Wait...tall, skinny, brown hair with bangs?"

Steven tilted his head in confusion,"You know him?"

You suddenly bursted out in laughter, scaring Steven as he jumped back slightly.

You explained through laughs, "Know him? Wasn't he that guy that like brought flowers and the poem? Oh my god the second hand embarrassment I felt,"

Steven started laughing as well, covering his mouth with his hand, "Wait you were there when he did that?"

You nodded and wiped a tear from your eye, "It was hilarious,"

Steven chuckled and looked up at the grandfather clock that was in the corner, they'd been talking for a hour. He cleared his throat and leaned forward slightly, "You promise you'll come?"

You leaned forward as well, your faces only inches apart. You smiled at him, "Of course I do,"

Steven glanced down at your lips for a second, he felt his throat close up and his heart beat faster as he looked back up at you. You were right there. Right there and leaning toward him. He felt his face run hot and he leaned back. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and stood up rather abruptly. He wiped his glasses with the hem of his shirt as he shuffled out of the pew. He looked back at you before he left and put on his glasses, "So Heavens Light cave, 9 pm, you'll be there?"

You rolled your eyes and chuckled, "Steven I've said yes at least five times, I promise I will be,"

He nodded and smiled back at you, you each said your goodbyes as he walked out.

Steven stood outside of the building for a second, breathing heavily as he put his hand over his chest. His face was a bright shade of pink as he replayed the events in his mind. He was so damn close. The way the light reflected off your hair, that beautiful smile, your kind eyes. He almost couldn't tear himself away. You were absolutely stunning. It scared him. How can someone like you entertain someone like him? He was just astonished. He took a deep breath and began to walk back to the school with his hands on his pockets, the snow falling peacefully around him as he heard your beautiful playing through the chapel walls.

That evening, Steven prepared for the meeting with Pitts in their room. They put on their cloaks and packed their flashlights as Pitts looked over at Steven with a raised eyebrow. He hummed and remarked, "You're awfully quiet, you good?"

Steven started slightly as he looked at Pitts with a confused expression, "Yeah- yeah I'm just I guess, I'm just nervous,"

Pitts frowned, "Oh? They accepted your invitation?"

Steven smiled at the mention of you his cheeks pinking slightly as he timidly responded, "Yeah..."

Pitts scoffed and laughed, "Oh my god shut up, I hate people in love," he shook his head a smile still on his face.

Steven chuckled while he packed a few extra cookies, just for you.

The boys ventured through the forest later that night, their laughs bouncing off the leaf barren trees. The crunching noise of their shoes on the snow stopped abruptly when they reached the cave. Silence washed over them as they saw you and Steven quickly made his way to the front of the group to greet you. You awkwardly smiled and waved at the group and they greeted you just as quietly.

You all stood outside the cave in silence until Charlie finally broke it, "Shall we go in?" He shot you a grin before he walked in, bending his head so he wouldn't bump it. You glanced over at Steven who gave you an encouraging nod, you smiled at him and followed in after Charlie. Soon enough the boys all filed in and took their respective seats, you sitting in between Steven and Charlie. Steven looked over at you and smiled a gesture that you returned.

Neil stood up and cleared his throat, a cigarette in his hand as he read from an old book. "Gentlemen and uh others," he nodded towards you, "Id like to initiate this meeting by reading a passage from member John Keating,"

As Neil read the short passage you and Steven shared a look. He widened his eyes at you and turned away a blush visible on his cheeks. You smiled and looked down at your lap, your own face soon heating up. Soon enough it was Knox's turn to read, Neil handed the book to him and Knox stood up. He turned the pages stopping dramatically at one poem that he said was called 'The People Upstairs'. He spoke with a certain rhythm that couldn't be helped with such a poem. He danced slightly to go along with it his body swaying side to side whilst he spoke.

Soon enough the other boys joined, clapping along in time with his movements. You were hesitant at first but you soon joined in as well, laughing from joy. Then, as abruptly as it started, that's how it ended as well. The boys laughed and cheered for Knox who bowed with a large grin on his face. He handed the book to Pitts, who closed it and opened it back up on a random page. Everyone in the cave looked at him in interest while he closed his eyes and moved his finger to a random poem. He smiled when he opened his eyes and began to read, looking up at you guys every other line. You studied him for a second, his body was folded in half while he read as if he were afraid of anyone finding out what he looked like. You looked over at Steven who had his eyes focused on his friend whilst he read. There was a faint smile on his face when he looked at Pitts one of pride.

The boys laughed when Pitts was finished, it’d apparently been something quite offensive and raunchy. Pitts handed the book to Meeks who turned the page to the romance section, he side eyed you with a nervous expression on his face. He stood up, read the title, which earned some groans and complaints from the rest of the cave.

“C’mon Meeks!” complained Cameron, “You always read from the romance section!”

Meeks rolled his eyes and scoffed but before he could retort Charlie interrupted, “Just let the man read!” he snapped. Steven looked at Charlie with a thankful expression on his face before he began to read, yet another piece of Percy Bysshe Shelley.

You looked up at him in admiration as he did so but his eyes remained focused on the page. His voice was shaky and frail as if a gust of wind could blow the sound waves away.

“Mary dear, come to me soon,

I am not well whilst thou art far;”

He glanced up at you before continuing,

“As sunset to the sphered moon,

As twilight to the western star,

Thou, beloved, art to me.

O Mary dear, that you were here;

The Castle echo whispers ‘Here!’”

When he sat down he was met with hesitant claps, it was clear they were tired of him. You chuckled and turned to Steven, a small smile on your face, “That was lovely Steven,” He looked over at you and nodded his head, “Thanks uh someone inspired me to read it,” You hummed and reached for his hand, a favor that he returned. You two interlocked fingers, his cloak hiding the scandalous deed while Charlie read. His voice boomed as it echoed off the cave halls. A few small drops of water fell from the ceiling and splashed onto the cold stone. Your hands felt warmer together, a relief from the cold air.

[hannah-shipper-banana]

I, personally, will NOT tolerate any Ally Dawson slander. That’s my bby girl.

How can you say Austin cared more about her than she did for him? Girlie was most definitely in love.

Just for that, here are some things Ally did for him…

Season 1

. She forgave him for stealing her song.

.She literally forgave him for humiliating her on live TV AND agreed to be his songwriter even though they were literally like 14 years old.

. She fricking WROTE most of his songs for him despite the fact that she had a JOB and school and a life! She also went through a lot writing said songs.

. Everyone (especially Austin) was being a massive dick to her for not having a song despite that fact that she had a life of her own and a store to run and whatnot. That got me so mad. Poor girl was literally getting pressured by everyone.

. She encouraged Austin to do good things so that Tilly couldn’t get any bad footage of him.

.She attempted to perform,despite the fact that she had stage fright, so that Tilly would stop posing embarrassing footage of him. Even when he told her she didn’t have to go through with it, she still tried. (He eventually did it for her but its the thought that counts)

.Ally gave him Dougie the dolphin.

. She defended him and told him to hide when everyone thought Austin was the Mall thief. Home girl fully stood up to a whole mob by herself.

. She helped him overcome his fear of umbrellas.

. She forgave him for ‘accidentally’ playing her song on the radio and went through with his plan of Trish pretending to be her.

. She helped him get with Cassidy by writing him a song. (Yh the first one was bad but that’s literally what he told her to write. Heartbeat was a banger tho)

. SHE FRICKING GAVE UP THE CHANCE TO GO TO AN ELITE MUSIC SCHOOL (WITH A FULL SCHOLARSHIP) SO THAT SHE COULD CONTINUE TO WRITE SONGS FOR HIM! AND HE WASN’T EVEN THAT BIG YET!

Season 2

. She performed with him (despite the fact that she had stage fright) by pretending to be Taylor Swift.

. She bungee jumped off a bridge with him (yh it was to cover up her lie but…) so that he could make a good impression with the magazine editor.

. Ally was fully ready to accept her punishment from her dad so that Trish and Dez could buy Austin more time so he can run home before his parents get home (yh he still got in trouble but that was only because the fan page alerted his parents, he would’ve gotten away with it) Yes I know Austin was selfless this whole episode but Im trying to prove a point here ok? Also can I just say it was so obvious they liked each other from this episode

.She helped him plan a date FOR ANOTHER GIRL despite the fact that she started having feelings for him. And she pulled out all the stops too because she knew he liked Kira

. She could’ve outed him then and there to Kira that they kissed but she literally just walked away.

. Ally wasn’t petty or mad when she thought he chose Kira over her. She was accepting.

. Ally still wrote a song about him even though she was a little mad at him. (He then serenades her and wins her back with said song)

.Ally still offered to write him a song (the only time she could was 4am) despite having her own career to focus on, and he declined. And at the last minute offered to give him one of hers but he though they were too girly.

. Home girl was ready to give up her song (the most personal one she’s ever written) to Kira, so that Kira could consider asking Jimmy to sign Austin again. (Kira is a literal sweetheart and let Ally sing it herself but…) Also Austin was fully ready to let Ally take his place at Starr Records but Ally wasn’t having that either.

. Ally gave him his own songbook to write his music in.

. Ally wanted him to enjoy his youth, so convinced him to stay on the basketball team despite what Jimmy said.

. She helped him makeover his idol Jackson Lowe and get him back into stardom

. She forgave him for meeting with another songwriter despite the fact that he was being a drama queen and she had more of a right to be mad at him.

. She was ready to give up making her debut album just so that she could go on tour with him but Trish had to convince her not to.

Season 3

. Ally fully came just to see them (mainly him) despite that she was working on her own music. Even if she saw him for 3 days she was ready to drop everything to see him.

. She decided to stay on tour with him because she missed him too much and didn’t want to miss his first tour. He begged her to stay and she did.

.She distracted the tour guide and the press on numerous occasions so that he can escape with the silver shoes and not get in trouble.

. Ally fully adopted an ALIAS and risked losing her record deal, just so she could continue to write songs for him. Even when she had second thoughts, Austin convinced her to go through with it and she did.

.She then stood up to her FUCKING BOSS and risked losing her record deal because she refused to stop writing songs for him. She was not going down without a fight.

. She helped him with his Physics project and even made the paper plane for him. (He didn’t end up using it but he would’ve gotten an A if he did)

. Ally was the one who helped Austin overcome his stage fright and basically the one who pulled him out of his funk.

.Ally was such a supportive wifey that episode. Firstly she tried to hide the magazines with the bad review on Austin so he wouldn’t be hurt. Then she always convinced him to look at it positively. Then she became Swag Master Ally to pull him out of his funk.

.Then she gave him the ultimate pep talk which convinced him to perform in front of the critic.

.And of course she was his safety net when he was performing so he wouldn’t get nervous. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her.

.She knew something was off about Dwayne and started to investigate which led her to seeing that he was obsessed with Austin. She then came up with the plan to distract the butler so they all could escape.

. Ally helps him convince Dwayne Wade he wrote the song so he could stop being obsessed with him.

.She convinced him to go to prom and enjoy himself with Piper even though she still had feelings for him and she knew Austin was hesitant to leave her alone.

. Ally (and Trish and Dez) helped him escape Brooke.

. She (with everyone else, but especially her) didn’t want her dad to sell Sonic Boom because its where they had the most memories (its also where she grew up) and hatched a plan to convince her dad not to go through with the sale. (This is more everyone’s doing but still)

. Ally broke up with him (she really didn’t want to) because she didn’t want Austin to lose his record deal. And we all know how that turned out.

Season 4

. Ally gave up going on her tour so that she could stay in Miami with him for senior year because she knew she was gonna miss him.

.She (with Trish and Dez) begged him not to go to military school.

. She was the one who came up with the Music Factory idea so Austin wouldn’t have to work at his parents’ store forever, and he could get to do what he loves.

. She pushed him to do better in his exam so he could graduate with them

.She still made the giant pancake for him even tho he lost the bet, because she loves him and wanted to give him something for believing in her (🥹)

. Ally stayed up all night baking the 6 tier wedding cake he wanted but she really didn’t need to because everything was already done. She felt guilty that she didn’t help out more and wanted to make it up to him. (She even got cake all over her trying to get it to school)

. This isnt a point really but can I just say Ally was the only one who figured out that Flermy was Austin right away. Home girl knows her man when she sees him.

.Ally forgave him (and Trish) for not believing that she could pull off the performance at the awards show.

. Ally convinces him not to get in his head too much about his first performance since the break. She kept telling him not to listen to the fortune teller so that he wont get anxious.

.She tried to get him to think positively no matter how many things were going wrong. She even tried to lie when something the the fortune teller came true, so that he wouldn’t think what the teller told him would be true too. (That was a mouthful). Girlie was stressed for him this entire episode.

.She was the main one convincing him not to believe the negative prediction from the fortune teller.

.She tries to help him get out of the glass box.

. Ally lets the Austin impersonator stay in the music factory as Austin is coaching him. (Despite him making mess and making noise)

. Ally forgives him for losing her library book and lying about it (it almost didn’t allow her to graduate but she fixed that)

. ALLY GIVES AUSTIN HER SONGBOOK AS A GOODBYE PRESENT. Everyone knows her songbook is her firstborn child (sorry Ava). The songbook was basically her personal diary and contained all their memories she would’ve written down.

. Not to mention that the songbook had pre written songs in it so his career could continue while she was at school.

. Ally admits that she continued to write songs about him even though they were broken up.

. They sing a song she wrote about him, and that’s the performance that gets them back together.

. She agrees to officially become a musical duo with him. (Im now realizing this is yet another parallel to the pilot)

Just because Austin was more open with his love (and more dramatic) it doesn’t mean that Ally loved him any less.

Anyone with eyes can see that they’re both just as in love (and obsessed) with the other.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

[hounds-and-stars]

The Guardsman's Inspirational Songbook is up on AO3!

The link is right here, and below is a sample from "The Battle of Armageddon":

Now, when Great ol' Gazzy was feelin' awful petty, He came back around to mighty Armaggeddy; He took a little bacon and he took a little beans, And started up another war 'tween our Yellows and his greens!

We fired our guns and the Orks kept a-comin'; There's just as many as there was a while ago. We fired once more and they kept a-runnin'; Where they all were comin' from? Emprah only knows!

We looked over a parapet and we see'd the bastards come, And there must have been a million of 'em breakin' to a run! They screamed so high and they made their rustbuckets ring; We stood behind our Baneblades and didn't say a thing.

We fired our guns and the Orks kept a-comin'; There's just as many as there was a while ago. We fired once more and they kept a-runnin'; Where they all were comin' from? Emprah only knows!

Old Yarrick said, "It would be mighty fine If they never get close enough to look us in the eye." We marked the whole map, covered each and every cell, And when we opened up the big guns, we really gave 'em-

Well, we...

Fired our guns and the Orks kept a-comin'; There's just as many as there was a while ago. We fired once more and they kept a-runnin'; Where they all were comin' from? Emprah only knows...!

[toothpastecanyon]

Human Again, Chapter 10 of 10

Sayaka Miki was worse than dead. She was lost forever, adrift, drowning in a sea of her darkest emotions... until she wasn't. She was a witch, and then she was waking up in Kyoko's apartment. This timeline is doomed, and for what? Sayaka has to find that out for herself.

A timeline where Madoka was able to trade her soul for Sayaka's in episode nine. TW for suicidal ideation and self harm.

See most updated version on Archive of Our Own.

______________________________________________________________

On the outskirts of Mikihara Town, in an apartment block down by the rail lines, there is the sound of a piano. It’s a quiet sound, drowned out as a freight train rumbles past, but when the noise dies down, it comes to life again. It’s coming from the upper floors, where the first rays of soft morning sun alight upon two windows, and spill into the room beyond.

Daylight dapples the folds of an unmade bed, plays upon a small clump of clothes piled next to it on the floor. It streams over a small stove and a countertop, and a dirty bowl in the sink. It shines bright on a figure sitting before a keyboard on her desk, and her fingers seem to glow as they slide across the keys.

And she makes the piano sing.

A songbook is on the stand in front of her, but she isn’t playing anything in particular. Her fingers wander this way and that, playing something slow and somber - then they pause for a moment, and switch to something different, something a little faster, and then slow again. They ebb and flow like waves crashing on the shore; each iteration a little different, yet all a part of something larger. Like a voice in a chorus… a violin in an orchestra.

The figure hangs her head, and plays on. If someone were listening in, they’d wonder why such a beautiful song brought a strange chill to their soul, made them want to turn away, to cover their ears. No matter how the music changes, there’s something strangely disquieting to it, and as she plays louder, as her fingers fall harder on each key, there’s an anger, a twisting, raging fury that comes alive in the music, and the figure shudders from the weight of it… and then it goes quiet again. Quiet, and cold.

And in the midst of that quiet, an alarm rings. The figure takes a moment to react… but after a moment, Sayaka Miki sighs, turns off her piano, picks up her phone, and silences it. She looks up at the brightening sky, and takes a slow breath.

A new day.

Rising to her feet, she picks a hair off her work uniform, then grabs her bag and heads for the door.

______________________________________________________________

“You’re late.”

“I’m not-” Sayaka checks her phone. “-that late! Come on, two minutes?”

Her manager, standing by the counter with arms crossed, rolls his eyes and walks into the back. Her coworker snorts.

“You’re in trou-ble.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She shrugs off her bag. “I’ll put this away and come right out.”

“Dude, no rush. No one even comes in until lunch.”

“But I thought you heard, two minutes late is an emergency!” Sayaka hears a grunt from the back, and they both snicker. “Alright, give me a second.”

The radio plays classical music, and Sayaka hums along as she works. She arranges a stand of headphones, and then she walks along the aisle of albums, sorting all the ones put back out of place. One is sold out; her hand lingers on the empty space, on the name printed on the price tag:

By Kyosuke Kamijo

Sayaka sighs, and gives a little smile. Of course it’s sold out - it’s some of his best work yet.

She should reach out.

The thought takes her by surprise; a blink, then she frowns. No, no, not to Kyouske… but she does take out her phone, and scroll down, down to her texts with Hitomi. Sayaka wished her a happy birthday a couple months ago, and she said thanks… Maybe it was time to reach out again. They could go out to lunch, or just do a call-

“What are you doing?”

Sayaka jumps and turns around. Her manager is standing there, glaring down at her.

“You’re on the clock,” he says, and watches her stuff her phone back into her pocket. “I don’t pay you to text all day.”

“I haven’t been texting all day! I just took it out for a second, I-”

“You shouldn’t take it out at all.” He eyes the ground. “Sweep if you’re looking for something to do. This floor is disgusting.”

Then he shuffles away, leaving Sayaka to glare at the space where he’d been. She feels her phone in her pocket, then rolls her eyes and goes to get a broom.

Maybe she’ll text her later, if she remembers.

______________________________________________________________

“Hey, beautiful. Haven’t seen you around before.”

The world is rushing past the train, and Sayaka sits forwards, glaring at a guy leering over a girl a few rows in front.

“Uhm…” The girl gives a nervous laugh. She has a Mitakihara school uniform on, Sayaka notices, and her lip curls. “Th-thank you? I-”

“You’re so welcome! Hey, what’s your name? What stop you getting off at?” The man chuckles. “What’s the matter? Don’t look so scared - I’m just making friendly conversation! What’s wrong with that?”

“I-I… Nothing, I didn’t mean to-”

“Leave her alone.” Sayaka says, and all eyes turn to her. “She doesn’t want to talk to some creep on the train.”

The man narrows his eyes. “Creep?” He says, and stalks down the aisle. “You calling me a creep, miss?”

He towers over her, silhouetted by the overhead lights but for the dangerous glint in his eyes and the teeth in his smile. He leans forwards, trapping her in her row of seats, but she doesn’t draw back.

“You heard me,” her voice is quiet, collected. “Now leave her alone.”

A laugh. “Oh, yeah? Or what?”

There’s a melody in her head as she looks at the man. A melody like the one she played this morning, like the one that raged in her soul as she buried two useless men by the side of a rail line.

He’s just like them, she thinks. There are people out there as bad as witches, people that no one would mourn, people that the world is better off without… and he’s one of them. He’s going to wander this city, making life worse for everyone he meets, just begging for someone to put him out of his misery.

Sayaka stares through the man without a word, and a shiver seems to pass over him. He takes a step back, then scowls and throws up his hands.

“Whatever, I don’t need this drama. I was just joking around, but I forgot, that’s a crime these days…”

He walks off muttering, and after a moment, Sayaka turns her eyes back to the front. The girl looks over, and gives her a shy smile.

“Thanks,” She says. “Thanks for, um… thanks.”

Sayaka returns her smile, but she doesn’t feel like talking. That melody is still echoing in her mind, and she stares out of the window, watching the world go by, looking for the beauty in it again… it doesn’t take as long as it used to.

The sun is setting, yet still shining over Mitakihara City. The sky is awash with bright yellow fading into a deep blue, dappled with rich orange clouds that play on the seamless panes of the skyscrapers and the river cutting between them. The sun ducks between buildings, its reddened light falling softly on the inside of the train, and upon her face.

She can feel its gentle warmth, and she smiles.

______________________________________________________________

The sun has already set as Sayaka steps off the train and makes her way home. It’s not a long walk from the station, but she’s been on her feet all day. God, they ache, but she’s nearly there, nearly to her bed. She thinks of sinking into it, and it carries her forward.

As she makes it to her building, though, there’s a sound from the alley that makes her stop. A small, plaintive meow, and she watches a little black cat pad into the streetlight.

Sayaka grins, and leans down. “There you are,” she says, and sticks out her hand, lets it sniff her. “You had me worried this morning. Where were you?”

The cat pushes its face into Sayaka’s fingers, then looks up at her shoulder. Its tail swishes, and Sayaka stands up before she can jump.

“Oh, no, you can’t come up.” The cat meows at her and presses into her legs, and she laughs. “I know, I know, I’m sorry. But if you fall asleep on me, I might just take you home, and I can’t have pets in my apartment!” Grinning, she digs in her purse. “But I know something that’ll cheer you up. Since you didn’t show this morning, I’ve been carting this around all day!”

Sayaka takes out a bag of treats and snorts as the cat’s eyes go wide. She spends a little time feeding them to it, stroking its fur and feeling the purr rumble deep in its chest. She hasn’t named the cat, though - if you name something, it becomes a pet, and she can’t have a pet right now, okay?

Her smile dims a bit, and she rises to her feet. The cat looks up at her with wide eyes, and she waves goodbye.

“Well, I’ll see you around. I’ll have more food for you tomorrow, okay?”

Then she turns and swipes her keycard, and as she heads inside, she remembers how tired she is. Her steps fall heavy on the way to the elevator; she presses a button, then leans back, trying to take the weight off her feet. There’s a ding, and as the doors open she trudges down the hall, digging in her purse for her key.

There it is. She pushes the door open, slips off her purse on the way to the bedroom, and flops onto her bed. What a day… after a moment, she draws out her phone to check the time. The first thing that comes up when it opens is her texts with Hitomi - oh, yeah, she was going to text her.

Sayaka hesitates, and then closes it and sits up. It’s too late in the day, she’ll do it later. And as much as she’d love to go to sleep right now, she’s got exam prep to do.

Her stomach growls as she gets to her feet. And dinner - ugh, she has to think about dinner. Are those leftovers from the weekend still good? Or maybe she can see what she has in the pantry…

______________________________________________________________

“And I told your father not to cheap out on the contractors, but you know him.”

Sayaka sits across from her mother at a restaurant, picking at her food. “Mhm.”

“So now our bathroom’s not going to be usable for months while we get the new team to look over the plans, and not to mention any new permits!”

“Uh huh.”

“It’s really such a hassle when we could have just paid them in the first place!”

“Yeah,” Sayaka put down her chopsticks. “I don’t know why you’re surprised. I mean, I love Dad, but every time we meet you’ve got a story like this.”

“Oh, it’s not every time-“

“It’s pretty much every time, yeah. I’m kind of sick of it.”

The silence hangs, there, and she looks up to see her mother’s raised eyebrows. With a wince, Sayaka clears her throat.

“Sorry, that was- I didn’t mean to be rude. Sorry.”

“It’s okay-“

“No, that was…” She rubs her eyes. “It’s just, ah, classes are kind of a lot right now. And we got this new manager at my job who’s being such a jerk about my exam dates.”

“About your exams? He knows you’re a-“

“College student, yeah, it’s ridiculous!” She stabs her chicken. “It’s like, fire me if you want, I’m not showing up next Friday, okay!”

“He’s not going to fire you, dear.”

“He likes to say he will. We’ll see, I guess.” She makes a face. “Ugh, maybe it’s time to start looking somewhere else. It just sucks, because I really liked that place before he showed up.”

“That’s a shame.” Her mother tries for a smile. “You’re always welcome back home, you know.”

“Yeah…”

“I mean, you’re so young to be living on your own,” she continues, and the worried shine in her eye has Sayaka stuffing her face so she doesn’t have to respond. “All of my friends were so shocked to hear about it - none of their daughters moved out for college!”

“Mhm.”

“I just can’t help but worry. All this stress with the job - for one, what must it be doing to your grades?”

She tries not to roll her eyes. “They’re fine, Mom.”

“You’re such a smart girl, they should be more than fine! The daughter I raised would be top of the class if it weren’t for all this unnecessary-“

“Mom-“

“Look, I’m sorry if we gave you a hard time about your major. We were just concerned, but we won’t-“

“It’s not that, Mom.”

“Then what is it?” She looks at Sayaka with pleading eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Sayaka cringes. “Nothing’s wrong, I like living on my own. I just… I need to do this for myself, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, I just… I need to know I can…”

She pauses, wordlessly trying to grapple with the tangled mess of reasons in her head - and then she feels something on her hand. Her mother’s hand, stretched across the table, squeezing gently. Her mother’s face, trying so hard to smile - but she can’t hide that old terror.

That terror, the first thing that greeted her when she came back to her parents in the storm shelter all those years ago. It was that terror that made their hugs squeeze so tight, that terror that had them peeking through her bedroom door when they thought she was asleep. It was that terror that held back tears when they asked questions she couldn’t answer, and even after all these years, even as they’ve got better at hiding it, at smiling through it… it’s that same terror that stares back at her now.

Her mother’s hand squeezes a bit too tight, and Sayaka pulls back. “I just, I just need to do this for myself, that’s all.”

“Sayaka-“

“It’s fine, Mom, my grades are fine, I’m fine, everything’s fine-“

“But it’s not fine, why can’t you ever just tell me what’s wrong so I can help you!”

Sayaka stiffens, and now it’s her mother’s words that weigh heavy in the silence. Her mother instantly knows that’s too loud, too real; she struggles to correct.

“I-I mean, I just… why didn’t you tell me what was wrong with- with your job?” She seizes on that point and leans forward. “You don’t have to, to put up with that… you know, my friend owns a company near you, they’re looking for a secretary, if you wanted to…?”

She trails off, her hands anxiously gripping the tablecloth, talking more to herself than anyone else. With a sigh, Sayaka rubs her neck.

“Yeah,” she says. “Sure, Mom, I’ll, I’ll take a look. Thanks.”

“Of course, dear.” Her mother looks down at her dinner, and takes a bite. “Oh, this is, delicious! Is yours alright?”

“Oh, yeah, yeah. Mine’s great.”

“Mine too. You know, it was that friend who told me about this place, she said it’s so good, and, and she was right, wasn’t she?”

“Yeah, she was. It’s nice.”

Her mother looks up, and they smile at each other like two soldiers across a battlefield, all the hurt and love and secrets strewn like mines between them. And as long as they stay at their stations, as long as they let those shells rot in the ground…

They can pretend they don’t have to squint.

“This is nice.”

______________________________________________________________

“Can I sit here?”

Sayaka’s looking at her phone when she hears the voice; glancing up, it’s the schoolgirl again. She looks nervous, sounds nervous, and Sayaka can’t help but spot a figure lingering at the far end of the train car, standing with empty seats all around him.

So Sayaka puts on a big smile. “Oh, hey sis!” She says loudly, and scoots over. “Of course you can, it’s great to see you!”

The schoolgirl looks a bit taken aback for a moment, but she cottons on. “O-oh, uh, yeah, it’s great to see you too! How are you doing?”

“Great, great. I’m just meeting up with my boyfriend - he’s gonna be getting on the train in a second!” From the corner of her eye, Sayaka watches the dark figure start to slink off. She lets her voice soften. “You had a follower, huh?”

“Uh, yeah.” The girl fiddles with the strap of her bag. “S-sorry, Miss, I didn’t want to bother you, I just-“

“No, no, that’s smart. Bother me all you want, okay?” Her smile twists a bit. “Sorry you had to.”

“I don’t know why this keeps happening.” She tugs at her skirt. “Is it, is it something I’m doing? I feel like I’m giving them the wrong idea, or-”

“You’re not giving anyone the wrong idea. You’re in a school uniform. They know what they’re doing.”

“Oh.”

And there didn’t seem to be much to say after that; Sayaka tries, she wracks her brain to think of something else, something a bit more encouraging… but that’s it, isn’t it? That’s the world they live in.

What else is there to say but “Oh”?

The train’s slowing now, coming up to a platform. Sayaka lets the deceleration push her against the seat. She feels a tap on her shoulder, and looks over at the girl.

“Do you want me to move?” Says the girl. “So your boyfriend can sit here?”

“My…?” A blink, and then with a chuckle she remembers. “Oh, hah! No, no, it’s fine. I made up the boyfriend part to scare him off.”

“Oh - haha, oh, that makes sense!”

They both laugh at that.

______________________________________________________________

Exam week. Sayaka wakes up every day with her heart fluttering in her chest; she sets twice as many alarms, dresses twice as quickly, and runs out the door in a flash. She doesn’t take breakfast; she’s too nervous to eat. She doesn’t even stop when the cat in the alley comes out tail-up to greet her - just a quick “Sorry, gotta go!” over her shoulder.

Every night, she comes back drained. Every night, she slumps a little lower on the train - she’s found herself dozing off, finding herself jolting awake at the sound of her station and hurrying to the doors before they close.

It’s a bone-tiredness, these nights, but there’s also a kind of satisfaction to it. Commiserating texts with her classmates as she heats up dinner, reading up one more time on the material until her eyes can’t stay open… and then, for these rare nights, falling asleep as soon as she hits the mattress. There’s not a moment of lying awake in the dark, not a thought in her head, not even a dream.

It’s lovely, Sayaka thinks, and as she rides the train home this Friday night, she can’t help but think about what a relief it’s going to be. Another semester survived, and even though she’s going to be on pins and needles waiting for the results… she actually feels pretty good about this.

A smile sets into her face as she stares out into the darkness.

She’s doing alright for herself, isn’t she? She’s out here in the world, and she’s doing alright for herself.

It seems like such a small thing, but for so long, when Sayaka imagined the future… it was never something that had her in it. For so long she never imagined she’d make it past high school. It wasn’t always that she thought she’d kill herself; it persisted for years after she stopped actively wanting to, this kind of dull certainty that for one reason or another, she just wouldn’t be around much longer. It wasn’t a scary thought, it just was - the sky was blue, and the future was a void.

But now, when she looks to the future, she doesn’t see a void. She’s already signed up for next semester, and a classmate was asking if anyone wanted to rent with her - they were talking about it. She went to the dentist the other week, and they asked her if she’d like to book next year’s appointment - she said yes.

It’s kind of boring, isn’t it?

Doing okay, it’s boring, and maybe there’s a part of her that misses when things were life and death, when she was a hero or a monster, when she felt like she could give herself to saving the world. It’s such a nebulous concept now, saving the world - what does that mean, putting the recycling out? Holding the door for someone? Voting?

There was something so comforting about the certainty she used to see the world in, even when it was a certainty that she was broken inside and nothing was ever going to get better for her. It’s that certainty she misses, that sense that there’s always a right thing to do. But this new life she has, in all its messiness - it’s one she can finally see herself living in.

A smile, slight and tired and jaded… but also genuine.

She’s glad. She’s glad she can finally see that.

Her phone buzzes then; it’s from a group chat she’s in, asking if anyone wants to go out tomorrow to celebrate. That sounds fun; she sits up a bit, and starts texting as the train slows down. The announcement washes over her without really registering; her stop isn’t for a while, so she hardly notices as the doors open, as someone steps on board.

The figure brushes past her, and Sayaka doesn’t connect it at first.

Why does she - fuck, why does she suddenly feel sick? She puts a hand to her mouth and realises her fingers are trembling, the hairs are raised up in goosebumps all down her arms. Her heart is pounding in her chest, screaming in her ears; she’s breathing hard, like she wants to run.

Run. Run.

The doors close, and suddenly she feels trapped. Gripping the seat with white knuckles, Sayaka glances up and down the train; what’s going on? There’s nothing wrong, it’s just…

It’s just the schoolgirl, and

Oh no.

And there. On her shoulder.

Oh, please, no.

Those eyes. Those red eyes.

It’s him.

Kyubey perches innocently on the schoolgirl’s shoulder as she takes a seat, his tail slowly swishing from side to side. For a moment, Sayaka can only stare on in speechless horror, and he doesn’t meet her eyes, doesn’t give any indication he sees her at all. He just sits there, and cleans his paws, and it takes everything Sayaka has not to throw up on the floor.

She - how… what does - oh god. Oh, god, oh god oh god.

She has to say something.

Forcing her shaking legs under her, Sayaka stands up - and then immediately stumbles as the train lurches to a start.

“Whoa! Are you okay, Miss?”

“I’m-“ Sayaka sees she’s stood up as well, sees him on her shoulder as she steps closer, and struggles not to back away. “I- you’ve got to-“

“Miss?”

Sayaka’s looking at the outstretched hand. There’s a ring on it.

There’s a ring on it, with a little blue gem. Only a shade greener than her own once was, and her heart sinks.

The schoolgirl stands in front of her, worry etched on her face, and all the words in the world dry up on Sayaka’s tongue. What’s there to say?

It’s already too late.

“I…” Sayaka clears her throat, looks anywhere but her face. “I just… uh, I just thought I saw something.”

“Saw what?”

“Just… something.” She glances at Kyubey, and swallows hard. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Uh… okay?”

Sayaka leaves the schoolgirl standing there as she quickly shuffles away and sits back down; the girl lingers a second longer, and then seems to back away and take her seat again. Sayaka can feel her questioning gaze burning into the back of her head; she can hear a faint little whispering, and then, like nails on a chalkboard, she can hear his reply echo in her mind.

“I don’t know,” he says, so innocently, and Sayaka digs her fingers into the sides of her legs. “It’s certainly interesting if she did, but she’s not a magical girl. She’d just think you’re crazy if you tried to tell her about this, so it’s best not to.”

Sayaka couldn’t stand to hear his voice a second longer; she grabbed her bag and headed for the next carriage.

“Anyway, she’s no one important. Are you ready for tonight? Good.”

She runs through three carriages before his voice finally fades from her mind. It’s more populated up here, and she hides herself in the corner, her hand clamped over her mouth, begging her blurry eyes to hold on until she’s back home. It feels like an eternity, this train ride, and she can see through every sideways glance that she isn’t fooling anyone. Finally they come to her stop, and she squeezes through the opening doors and sprints away.

There’s no holding it back once she’s off the train. By the time she makes it to her house, she’s a sobbing wreck, shaking like a leaf as she pats herself down for her keycard.

Meow?

“N-not now,” Sayaka shakes her head, shakes her head. She feels something soft brush against her leg and she jerks back. “I-I said not now! Agh, shit!”

Her keycard drops to the ground, and it takes a couple tries to scoop it up again. Her trembling fingers struggle to swipe it, and then she opens the door and slams it behind her like Kyubey himself is still hot on her heels. She doesn’t take the elevator - she can’t stand to wait another second - but instead rushes up the stairs two steps at a time, makes it to her room, shuts it hard and locks it twice. Drawing the chain into place, she steps back, back again, her heart pounding in her neck, her breath getting faster and fasterand fasterandfasteruntil she can’t

she can’t

breathe

she can’t

take

a breath, her

her head

light

vision swimming

she can’t

she can’t

she can’t, she

can’t, she can’t,

she can’t, she can’t,

she can’t, she can’t, she can’t, she can’t…

…

Breathe in. Crouched against the bed, Sayaka takes a single shuddering breath. It feels like drowning to hold it, but she manages a moment, and lets it burst out. Her heart feels like a jackhammer.

Breathe in. Her whole body is fighting it. She feels the fear like a vice tightening on her chest, but she holds it. She holds it, and she lets it out, and she waits a moment.

Breathe in. The bed covers, hanging, hanging over. She grips them. Feels the softness. It’s soft. Breathe out.

…

Breathe in. The ground is, the ground is cold. Because it’s wood.

It’s dark in here. She should turn on a light.

Breathe out.

With a hard swallow, Sayaka puts her hand on her chest, feeling her heart slowly, slowly reel back to baseline. She takes another breath in, and lets it out with a long sigh.

Hoooly shit. It’s been a while since she had a bad one, huh? She did not miss doing that.

The slightest chuckle. No - no, she did not.

Haha, hah… oh, jesus. That poor girl.

She sits there for a good while until it feels like she can stand again. And once she’s up, all she wants to do is go to sleep. She hasn’t eaten in hours, but her stomach twists at the thought of dinner.

No, no. She needs to be done with today.

Collapsing into bed, Sayaka closes her heavy eyes, and prays for all the thoughts swirling around her head to be quiet, to please just hold off until tomorrow…

She prays, and the god of this world is listening. With a soft pulse of light, a pink figure appears in the room. The figure floats forward until she’s standing right over Sayaka’s bed, reaches down, and brushes the hair from her eyes. Sayaka’s frown eases, and she rolls onto her side and drifts away.

The figure stands there for a moment, smiling softly down on her. Then she kneels down, and takes her hand.

Sayaka Miki has a strange dream that night.

______________________________________________________________

They’re tuning the instruments. Sayaka can hear them on stage, the little flourishes of violins, the tooting of clarinets, a bang of the drums. The show is starting soon.

Sayaka looks around, and frowns.

The show is starting soon, but… all the seats around her are empty. Down beneath the balcony, too; there’s no one there. And - huh, even though she can hear the instruments, there’s no sign of the orchestra. The stage is utterly empty.

What’s going on? Where is she? Why is-

“Please don’t be scared.”

A warm hand clasps over her own, and Sayaka looks over to see a face she’s missed for almost seven years now. No way. No way.

Madoka Kaname smiles. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought this would be a nice place to talk.”

“Ma- Ma-“ Sayaka can’t get the words out. She shakes her head. “I’m dreaming. This can’t be- it’s you!”

“I missed you too, Sayaka.” Her smile crumples a little. “I missed you so much.”

Sayaka hears that voice, sees that smile, and it’s all so familiar it feels like an ache in her heart. This can’t be a dream; she doesn’t dream like this. But if this is real, that means, that means…!

She doesn’t waste another second. Throwing her arms around Madoka, she wraps her up in a hug and squeezes like she’s never going to let go. She feels Madoka squeeze right back, and the world around them shrinks to fit this one embrace, this reunion where for just a moment, the holes they left in each other’s hearts are filled, and nothing at all is wrong.

Just one, perfect, joyful moment. But as all things do, it fades, and Sayaka pulls back, wiping her eyes.

“I-I don’t, I don’t understand.” She gives a shaky laugh. “How are you here? Did… Did Homura do it? Did she really save you?”

Madoka’s smile twists. “She tried so hard to,” she said, and her words put a pit in Sayaka’s stomach. “But she did something even better. She helped me realise what I really wanted with my wish.” A laugh. “And I was going to waste it on cake, remember?”

“No…”

“It’s okay, Sayaka. Really, it is.” She took her hands. “I wished to erase all witches from this world, so no one has to suffer for making their wishes. So no one feels like everything they did was for nothing, you know?” A smile. “So that’s what I am, now. I go to every magical girl in every timeline that’s ever existed, and I don’t let them fall into despair. I can’t think of any wish more meaningful than that.”

“But…” Sayaka struggles for words. “Madoka…”

A gentle squeeze on her hands. “Y’know, it’s funny, though,” Madoka says, softly, and frowns. “I’m not sure how I’m able to be here, with you. I already saved you, didn’t I?”

“You did, you did.” A lump forms in her throat. “And I never got to say thank you. Thank you, Madoka. Thank you so much.”

“And you’re all grown up,” Madoka says, smiling up at her - smiling up. Her hands are warm, but small.

Sayaka looks at her, and for a split second, she doesn’t see her friend. She sees that schoolgirl on the train.

She’s only fourteen years old.

“Yeah,” Sayaka says, softly. “I’m twenty-one.” A pause, then she tries to shake herself out of that with a laugh. “Don’t, uh, really feel that grown up though, hah!”

Madoka leans against her. “What’s that like?” She asks, and there’s a little anxiousness to it. “Did you ever… make things up with Hitomi?”

Hitomi - god. Sayaka puts an arm around her, and sighs. “Uh, yeah, sort of. We still hung out at school… but I ended up missing a lot of days.”

“Why?”

Oh boy, why indeed. “I, uh, had a lot to work through,” she says, giving a hard swallow as she thought of those days. “It wasn’t easy with everyone asking me what happened - especially Hitomi. I never knew what to say to her.”

“You aren’t friends anymore?”

“No, no, we’re still friends! Kind of. We meet up once or twice a year, it’s… nice.”

“Once or twice a year?” Madoka looks up at her with wide eyes. “That’s awful, we used to hang out every day!”

“Yeah… yeah.” Sayaka grimaces. “It’s… things change, I guess. She’s doing well, though.”

“What about your Mom and Dad? You made it back to them, right?”

“Oh, yeah, of course. And we meet up much more often, like every week or so.” She chuckles a little. “They’d never have let me move out if I didn’t.”

“Why didn’t you just stay with them?”

“Huh?”

“My Mom always said I could stay with them as long as I want.” There’s a shakiness to her voice now; Sayaka watched her wipe her face. “I-I really miss her, Sayaka. I miss everyone!”

“Whoa, hey, it’s okay-“

“And it’s so lonely now,” she says, and as Sayaka draws her into a hug she collapses against her chest. “This is, th-this is what I want, b-but what if it isn’t? What if I made a huge mistake a-and I c-can’t go back?”

“Madoka-“

“What i-if I’m not even saving anyone?”

“Don’t be silly. You saved me, oka-”

“I didn’t save you at all!”

Madoka collapsed, sobbing, in her arms. Blinking, Sayaka holds her tight, struggling for words.

“What do you… what do you mean?”

“I can see it,” she says, barely above a whisper. “I can see your pain. Ever since I made that wish for you, you’ve been in so much pain, and that’s why I’m here, isn’t it? I can only visit witches - I-I wouldn’t be here if you were happy!” Madoka buries herself in Sayaka’s shoulder, her face crumpling. “Your life seems so sad now. You don’t talk to Hitomi, you live all alone, and you’re still so… still so hurt and it’s all my fault for bringing you back! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…”

Holding her close with a lump in her throat, Sayaka couldn’t help but find this so familiar. She’s had this conversation before, hasn’t she? In a field of rubble, under weeping clouds, Madoka had said this all before.

It used to keep Sayaka awake, what she should have said that day. What she could have said, and maybe Madoka would still be with her, maybe everything would’ve turned out alright, maybe maybe maybe. She’d learned you could drown in maybes.

But Madoka is here now, and she’s so much smaller than the hero Sayaka remembers. She’s here now, asking for help, and this time, Sayaka doesn’t find herself so speechless.

“Madoka… you did save me,” she said, and when Madoka opens her mouth: “You did. I promise you, there’s not a day that goes by now where I’m not grateful for what you did for me.”

“But you’re not happy.”

“I am happy, Madoka. Really, I am.” Sayaka gazes up at a sky full of stars, and sighs. “For the longest time, I didn’t think I’d ever even feel okay again. I kept thinking about how… how different everything was, how different I was. But that’s just it, you know? Everything changes, Madoka. It would’ve changed even if none of this had happened.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I don’t know how different our lives would have been if Kyubey never came for us. I don’t know if Hitomi and I would have always drifted away, but… I was never going to stay the same person I was before this all happened. Witch or no.” She sighs. “I used to think I wasn’t capable of happiness anymore… and maybe, for just a little bit of time, I wasn’t. Maybe I was a witch, once. But I changed - I grew up. And you know, I’m kinda starting to like the person I grew into, and I like her a little more every year.”

Madoka looks up at her with wide, shining eyes, and Sayaka strokes the hair from her face.

“And you gave me this, Madoka. You gave me the gift of growing up. And I hope you never doubt that you’ve helped people so much… because you’ve helped me. You’ve saved me, and I… I can never thank you enough.” Her smile shakes a bit. “I love you, Madoka Kaname.”

“I love you too,” Madoka says, and wipes her eyes. She doesn’t say anything else for a moment, but she stares up at the stars, and Sayaka can see them twinkling in her eyes. “I miss you. I miss how things used to be. I… I know it’s awful, but part of me wishes I could go back. This wish… it’s the right thing to do, and I believe in it so much, but… it’s so hard sometimes. Is that selfish of me?”

“It’s not selfish. It’s not selfish. This was never supposed to be our problem to fix.” She holds Madoka tighter. “We were kids - we were supposed to go to school, and do dumb stuff, and we were supposed to grow up together. Why did we need to save the world?”

“Sayaka?”

“I’m proud of you.” Sayaka says, and gives a sad laugh. “Of course you’d be the one to save all the witches. You’re the bravest, the kindest, the strongest person I know, and I… I just wish I could save you like you saved me. It’s… it’s not fair. It’s not fair!”

“Yeah… I guess it isn’t.” Madoka looks down for a moment. Then she looks back up, and there’s a faint smile on her face. “You know, you don’t sound so different. You’ve still gotta stick up for me, huh?”

“Hah. Always.” She hesitates for a moment, then with a little grin she squeezes tighter. “You might be all heroic and junk now, but you’re still mine, Madoka, all mine!”

They both giggle at that; Sayaka grabs her shoulders and pulls her down to the floor with her, and they lie under the stars together, hand in hand, laughter ringing out… and then, slowly, fading.

Madoka gives one last giggle, and then lets it out with a sigh… and silence, now. Silence as they both wonder the same question.

It’s Madoka who says it first.

“I guess… I should be going now, huh?”

Sayaka knows she’s looking at her, but she keeps her eyes up at the stars. “I’m not gonna see you again, am I?” She says, and blinks hard. The stars are blurry now as she feels Madoka’s gentle squeeze.

“I can’t stay. That’s not my purpose.” A pause. “But… thank you, Sayaka. It’s funny - I was supposed to be the one comforting you, but I don’t think I did much of that, huh?”

“You do it for everyone else. I’m glad that just once, someone could do it for you.” She feels Madoka rest her head against her shoulder. “You take care of yourself, okay? You promise?”

“I promise.”

And for a while, they lay there together under the stars. Sayaka wasn’t sure how long they stayed like this, but she can see a brightening on the horizon. The light grows, and grows, and soon it’s enveloping her; she turns her head to the side, but all she sees is light, and it feels like she’s fading, like she’s waking up…

She squeezes her hand, and for the last time in this world, Madoka squeezes back.

______________________________________________________________

It’s blinding, the light. Sayaka opens her eyes, and finds the sun gazing through her windows. She looks up at the ceiling, and sees dust caught in golden sunbeams, tracing an intricate dance just above her head. She breathes out, and watches the dance shift, watches it continue on altered, yet exactly the same.

Different, but exactly the same.

Sayaka sits up slowly, and rubs the dried tears from her eyes. She finds she’s holding something in her hand; looking down, she opens her palm, and finds curled around her fingers a simple, pink ribbon.

A smile as she holds it up to the light. She never doubted it was more than a dream, but it’s a relief to know for sure. Madoka - that really was her. She really saw her again! And she was…

The smile falls. She clasps the ribbon gently to her chest, and takes a sharp breath in. She holds it for a moment, then lets it out in a deep sigh, and gets to her feet.

There’s a scratching sound in the silence. Sayaka takes a moment to notice it, to frown at a little shadow flickering against the back wall; she looks to the window, and gives a little snort.

Walks over, and grins at the little cat pawing at the glass.

“Well, would you look at that?” She sees the cat stop to stare up at her with wide eyes, and snorts. “You’re up kinda high, huh? You wanna come in?”

The cat’s tail swishes as she reaches over and unlatches the window. It swings open, and with one foot, and then the other, it steps onto the desk.

“Mind the keyboard- whoa!” It nuzzles up against her, and she chuckles. “It’s like you’re worried about me or something. Or maybe just hungry - is that it?”

She pets the cat, and the ribbon she’s holding drapes over its ears for a moment before it's flicked away. Sayaka stands there for a moment, her grin softening as she listens to the purr.

“Heh,” she says, and moves to close the window. “Well, let me get you something to eat. I’ve got those treats you like - you want some of those? Come on.”

Sayaka makes her way to the kitchen, and the cat follows, stepping over the piano keys and leaving them still and silent on her desk, glowing in the light of a new day.

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

Hobie Brown's Living Room on the S.S Anne Ark

Hobie's living room on the houseboat complete with graffiti, boatcats, and a juke box he's customed himself.

(In depth explainer below - click for higher rez)

Diane took this photo early in the morning while Hobie was still sleeping upstairs. It seems like Moto the cat is already up. [Light mentions of my Spidersona Disco-Spider Diane below] The S.S Anne Ark (get it- AnArch?) is Hobie's home, and arguably his favorite place in the world.

Gifted to him by an old geezer Hobie used to work for, he's been living on Anne for 4 years now - since he was 16.

And this is his living room.

Hobie is by no means a homebody, but when he is home, he spends most of his time here - reading, writing songs, and listening to music.

The Living Area -

Feel free to imagine a LOT more junk here. The living room floor is always covered with his projects - songbooks, or patches, zines - whatever art he's making then. Cause Hobie is always making art. His couch might as well be older than him - and he found it on a curb in Tower Hamlets, called a few favors, and somehow got it in here. But it's the most comfortable thing you'll ever sit on.

The Music/Recording Area -

Almost every song Hobie has recorded or written in the past 4 years has been here. Hobie keeps most of his music equipment in the wooden cabinet and the good stuff that can't fit gets put on display. There's a microphone rigged to the ceiling and mixing equipment for recording. Hobie's motto is the louder the better, and it's a good thing the windows are re-enforced, because his speakers are loud enough to make the glass rattle. There's also a vintage jukebox that Hobie had bartered for a couple years back. Now, he loves tickering with it. He's swapped out the old 50's songs for something more his taste tho.

The Kitchen Area -

Hobie can cook, and he loves it, but being a street kid for so long, he's hardly ever gotten in the habit of doing it. Hobie's kitchen is sparce, partly because the boat is off the grid. His cupboards are mainly full of books and shoes, and his oven is rarely used. However, he has a grill on the back deck - and that's where he does most of his cooking. Once Gwendy came around, Hobie got a lot more into cooking, the kid seemed like she needed a homecooked meal. Hobie mainly eats cheap street food - street kid habits -frequenting fish n' chip places and kebab shops, and yeah, he calls the dude behind the counter 'boss' or something. He also eats a lot of food from convivence stores, like packaged sandwiches and cold pastas. Because they're easy to carry, and when he was younger, they were (literal) life-savers. The taste gives him nostalgia. The thing he makes most in the kitchen is beans on toast. Diane finds it disgusting, which Hobie finds hilarious.

The BoatCats

Hobie is a man of many cats. He looks after the dock and alley cats, catching fish on early mornings (yes, he fishes) to give to them before he has breakfast. All of them have names, and none of them have collars. And Hobie loves them all. Those that are a bit older, weaker, or just want to - get to come live with him as BoatCats. Pictured here: Left - Moto (Personality: Feisty, Calm, Curious) Right - Pierogi, also known as Rogi (Personality: Cuddly, Talkative, Friendly) Hobie does not care much for their genders, and doesn't check.

More about The S.S Anne Ark (I'll be posting an explainer with the outside, layout, etc)

The S.S Anne Ark is a modified wide-beam canal boat. Completely off-the-grid, and DIY'd by him, it's Hobie's pride and joy. The Anne Ark is three levels tall - a 'ground' floor, and upstairs, and a locked basement below the deck. Pictured is the living room. To the left - beside the windows - there is a hallway that leads to Hobie's workshop and the basement Hobie choses to firmly keep private. Not even Gwen, Pavi or Diane have been down there. To the right behind the cat tree is the stairs up to Hobie's bedroom. (You walk up those stairs, hit the landing, turn and go up again.) The Anne Ark has two 'bedrooms' and one 'bathroom'. Hobie's bedroom is what was once the control room, gutted and converted. The second bedroom was once a small equipment space. The small bathroom is up there as well - but it's more of a wet room, with a shower and toilet. There's a sink to wash your hands on the second floor outdoor deck, but it's either that or the kitchen sink.

But that's Anne Ark! And after years of squatting and homelessness as a streetkid, Hobie considers Anne his forever home. And he takes pride in that.

He tries pride in opening Anne's doors for others too - kids in the same spot he was, who just need a little help.

Other little facts about Anne Ark:

Hobie's leather jacket is on the couch. He has multiple, he can't be walking around in the same jacket as Spiderpunk 24/7, right? He has a couple, and the ones he stops wearing, he donates. He usually starts a new one when the last is too cover in patches to continue.

The Anne Ark changes colors.

Diane throws rager after-parties on Anne Ark after the band's shows. She has her own apartment she loves to death, and doesn't sleep over often - maybe staying a weekend or two a month, or crashing after a party. In turn, Hobie hardly ever sleeps at hers. Mainly because her place is merticulously pink, and she says he messes up her throw pillows. He disagrees with the idea of unusable pillows. And with her own crib and bed a portal jump away, they don't feel the need to bunk together. Non-conventional relationship and all that. [Insert scene of Barbie being like 'why would you wanna stay over?? :) This is MY dreamhouse lol <3 ]

________________________________________

So uhhhhh, that's his living room.

I tried to get it as genuinely close how it looks in me paracosm (i JUST learned that word), based on how Diane sees it. All of this is based off of headcanon and I see it when I'm in the space.

Some things may be left out for sake of space and simplicity - but this is mainly it - as accurately as I could reasonably get it.

If you read this far, THANK YOU - I really appreciate it and it genuinely means a lot! As usual, you will take this photo of Hobie, and pretend this is normal behavior.

Bye.

[galaxycunt]

I Can’t Keep Crying pt 4

Pt 1 Pt 2 Pt 3

Smut/fluff/Angst

Also would like to note I read a fic that inspired my own dancing scene so give that one a read too!! Almost to the end folks!

You had been out to sea for three weeks now, Buggy still giving you the hot and cold treatment. On the good days, he’d invite you to play for him, scheming for a way to make you stay. The bad days come when you refuse him. He still kept you around, watching you work.

The sun was getting hotter, your mind frying from looking at him too long. You were a hot mess, his toned and sweaty body giving you ideas.

You climbed up the crow’s nest just to get away from him. Closing your eyes as you fantasized. Frowning, realizing you only wanted to think about Buggy. Your mind drifted to other lovers, and shit had it been a long time. Then it hit you.

The last time you were on land, before this recent resupply, you ditched buggy for some guy.

Was he really that pissed off about it?

You should’ve known better, you figured Buggy was getting off with someone else anyway. The way he teased you, it pissed you off enough to blow him off at the last second.

Shit, that was 3 months into your fling. A long time to harbor any feelings.

”Hey! Buggy wants you! Tent got ripped!”

You climbed down to the deck, heart weighing your shoulders down. You thought you heard a rumor about someone else joining his bed, you hated yourself for being so stupid. It was all too late now.

Buggy opened the door shirtless, the windows letting in a soft breeze. He was all smiles today, the locket swinging against his chest.

”Heya sunshine, got a list of things from the last show. Are you good with wheels? Of course you are, the unicycles been squeaky.”

”Hello to you too, Buggy.”

He smiled again, his eyes lingering over your body. Swallowing, his eyes shot back up to yours.

“I have something else for you.”

He handed you a package with brown paper wrapping, tearing it open revealed a songbook.

You smiled widely, “holy shit! Thank you, I…why?”

”What?”

”Why are you giving this to me?”

He blushed, “I’m tired of your songs. Wanna hear something new.”

You shot him a look, it hurt that he couldn’t just be nice to be nice. Buggy always knew how to really hurt your feelings. You decide to hurt yourself more.

”What’s in the locket?”

His hand covered his chest, “nothing.”

”Heard you got a new nightly visitor, is that why I haven’t played for you in awhile?”

”Who told you that?”

”Goes around.”

”Well it’s a lie.”

You chuckle, not believing a word.

He grabbed your chin to look him in the eye, “there hasn’t been anyone else.”

The force of the grab along with the flex in his arms did something to you. You want to kiss him, against your better judgment.

“You don’t strike me as the type to stick with one person.”

He frowned and whispered, “is that what you really think of me?”

You could only shrug, Buggy letting his arm drop to his side. He doesn’t look at you, shooing you away to do your work in private.

It’s late at night when you finish, and you crawl up that crow’s nest again. The night air is a hundred times cooler than it is in your stuffy room. Your mind wanders, unable to sleep. You think about Buggy and the way his hand clutched your face.

You briefly look below you, empty. You were completely alone. Settling in, you wiggle out of you shorts.

You think about his hands, rough and strong. Dipping your fingers inside you and wished it was his.

On more than one occasion, he teased you with a threat of his dick staying inside you while he went off to work. He only made good on that promise once, the memory serving you well right now.

You thrusted against your fingers, thinking about that day. Circling and pressing on your clit the way his tongue used to, the filthy things he’d whisper in your ear as you begged for him to fuck you.

You lifted up your shirt, pinching your nipples the way he used to. You were so close to cumming, whispering his name into the sky. Your fingers kept working, trying to climax again, you figured if you came enough tonight you wouldn’t have to think about Buggy anymore.

As you twisted your shorts lower, you heard something roll away. Frozen, you gathered the courage to look below you. Still empty. In the dark you groped for what could possibly be in your pocket. It felt soft and a little velvety.

”Hope you enjoyed the show, you fucking asshole,” you yelled into the single ear in your hand.

With a huff you dropped it onto the deck below, careful to not let it land in the ocean. You thought of your next move, either stay or try to hide in your room. Regardless, Buggy was going to be a pain in your ass.

“Fuck it.”

You climbed down, looking for the ear on the deck. It must’ve already made its way to its owner, and you decided to follow it. As you made your way through the dark corridors of the ship, you wrote your script on confronting him. You were never good at relationships, no one ever proved you wrong. The script was always the same.

You knock on the door, waiting impatiently for him. Like a boy in trouble, Buggy’s eyes were glued to the floor.

”I didn’t think you were gonna do that.”

”How long have you been fucking spying on me?”

He scratched his nose nervously, “heard you were up there all day, got worried.”

Now it was time for your script, “Buggy, stop with this bullshit okay? We both know you don’t care about me all that much.”

”Why do you say that?”

You gestured around you, “I’m not made for love, okay I get it. Embarrass me a few times, now it’s done. All of it.”

In the light, his eyes glistened. Carefully he stepped toward you, your resolve threatening to break. Buggy tugged at your shirt’s hem, afraid to hold your hand. You had never seen him like this, your world crumbled around you.

“You are. I…know you are.”

You moved closer to him, wrapping your arms around his neck. He squeezed your waist, pulling you tight against him. Neither dared to move, you listened to his heart thump rapidly against you.

”I’m no good, but I want to be. I just knew,” he huffed, “I knew that you’d fall for someone better.”

”You hurt me too much,” you whispered.

”I’m sorry. I’m not good at this stuff.”

He rubbed your back, resting his chin on your head. You didn’t know what to say, afraid to be vulnerable. So you let him hold you, the only sounds being the waves crashing against the ship, and your own hearts.

”I shouldn’t have slept with those people, I just thought…you didn’t want me. Couldn’t blame you for that, you know.”

”I want…I want love, Buggy. I don’t like what you do.”

He nodded, “I know. I…only been in love once. I was young, and maybe he loved me back. I dunno…he left me, betrayed what I thought I knew about him.”

You lifted your head to look him in the eyes, a pain threatening to break him down.

”I haven’t learned how to love since. It’s not fair to you, is it?”

You shrug, and he squeezed you tighter.

”Don’t just roll over for me, you’re better than that.”

“Maybe I want you anyway, I can see the man you really are.”

He choked on a sob, “you’ll find someone better.”

”Buggy, look at me.”

He did, regret written on his face. Your fingertips ghosted over his cheek, inching closer and closer to his lips. He met you there, the taste of salt landed on your tongue. You rubbed his eyes gently with your thumbs, he kissed you again. A shy smile on his face, matching your own.

“I missed you.”

”I missed you too.”

Your lips couldn’t stop finding each other, you felt like you were floating. Buggy led you to his bed, your bed really.

“Is this okay?” he said.

You nodded, tugging at his bandana. Running your fingers through his hair, he hummed in delight. The words you wanted to say danced on your lips, a small anxious side of you wondered if this good feeling was going to last.

He seemed to sense it, his own nervousness filling the air. Slowly he unbuttoned your shirt, peppering your skin with kisses.

”What were you thinking about, up there?”

You laugh, “every crazy thing we done before.”

He smiled, “I guess it’s okay to tell you I jerk it to the time we fucked in that bar restroom.”

”Like recently?”

”Oh babe, all the fucking time.”

That seemed to ease you, biting his collarbone, your eyes still on that locket.

Would it be weird to bring it up again now?

”You should go around shirtless more often,” you teased.

”Only if you do,” he kissed you again, “now let me fuck you. Please.”

You giggled as his hands roamed down your body, a satisfied smile as he felt your wetness. You missed his rough fingers thrusting inside you, only to slip out to give your clit attention. You bit his earlobe, a groan let out that you missed hearing.

“God damn,” he said as he sunk into you.

His fingers still circled your clit as he thrusted into you, “you missed this fat cock, didn’t you?”

You nodded breathlessly, you certainly missed his dirty mouth. Buggy rode on that ego, making you squirm beneath him. You claimed his lips with a searing kiss, feeling intoxicated on him and how he made you cum.

He lifted your legs up to hit deeper, the moan you let out louder than either of you expected, edging him closer.

You couldn’t hear what he whispered as he came. Before you could ask, he buried his face into the crook of your neck, kissing you. Emotion overcame you, and you cry silently. He noticed it anyway.

”Hey, please don’t be sad. I…don’t want to ruin this,” he pleaded.

You eyed that locket again, fingers inching towards it. He let you open it, you recognize the photo. It was the day you snuck off to an island to spend alone time together. You thought you looked bad, and he teased you about it. He said he thought you were cute anyway.

”You didn’t want it, so you know.”

”Needs you in there too, so we can both wear it.”

He smiles and kisses you, “I’m not tired, are you?”

You shook your head, letting him lead you out of bed. Buggy gently placed your hand on his shoulder, his own placed on your hip.

”Excuse my bad singing,” he says.

He hummed a quiet song, swaying you both gently. It was a love song, and you realized you never had anyone do this with you before. You pressed your bodies closer together, and you cry again.

”Hey, hey. It’s okay,” he whispers.

Buggy kisses your tears away, the song long forgotten as you dance together, the moon shining down on you. It was almost too perfect, too unbelievable.

”I didn’t mean it, when I did it first.”

He frowns, “I shouldn’t have done anything either. Let’s just move past it okay?”

You nod, “sorry.”

”It’s okay, I just believe in clean slates. Blame those missionaries that corner you at every port.”

You laugh, “you’re such a clown.”

He wiggled his eyebrows, kissing you again. You don’t want him to stop, letting him take you to bed again.

He’s between your legs for the second time tonight, and you’re determined to keep him there.

[threadfall]

Pern Resources

This is an ongoing collection of links* that should cover a whole range of bits and pieces relating to Dragonriders of Pern and Anne McCaffrey – from interviews to interesting articles!

* I check these regularly, but I cannot vouch for if the domains still exist and, if not, what is currently on them. A lot of resources relating to Pern are from the 90s/early 2000s and liable to be replaced by random hosting spam. EDIT: walks-the-ages has added some excellent comments about the Wayback Machine! (And many thanks for backing the pages up on it.)

World Building – Canon

Dragon Lover's Guide to Pern, by Jody Lynn Nye – Link

Hosted by peoplepern.narod.ru, this website is in Russian but has a full English digitised DLG complete with pictures.

All the Songs of Pern – Link

Song Lyrics and Poetry – Link

Music From the World of Anne McCaffrey's Pern by Tania Opland and Mike Freeman – Link

It's worth noting that while the songbooks and CDs are available to buy, all the music is also available through Spotify.

Curses, Oaths, and Maledicta – Links

Pernese Sayings/Curses from Pern Etc. – Links

Anti Fandom Wiki – Link

World Building – 'Fanon'

News From Bree – Multiple links below!

Threadfall Patterns – Link Pern Demographics – Link Can Menolly Outrun Thread? – Link Dragon Demographics – Link Bargaining for Bubbly Pies – Link Originally a Tolkien fanzine between 1970-1988, the site is now a resource that covers multiple topics of interest to Hartley Patterson.

On Impression, by Faye Upton – Link

A multi-part essay on Upton's thoughts about how Impression does/should work, and its relation to the canon of the fanwork Dragonchoice.

Kadanzar Weyr Handbook – Link

While no longer active (since 2013 as of 2024), Kadanzar has multiple articles talking in depth about the 'canon' of their site, which are interesting reads for how Pern may have functioned. The link is specifically to a text page sharing all of the files uploaded to Kadanzar, and may take some time to load. Not all of the files are world building information (some are just site lists), however many are.

Living On Pern – Link

Shoulder Knots by Wicked Zoeygirl on Deviantart – Link

Oath Roleplay Resources – Link

Notable for its page on dragons and its 'non-canon' charter, which collects or infers mentioned rights from the books.

Fandom Topics

A Dragonlover's Guide to Pern Fandom from Kadanzer Weyr – Link The Tentpeg Interview (TW for homophobia and rape mentions) – Link

The Renewable Airforce Document – Link

Alliance Atlantis Dragonriders of Pern 'Making Of/Trailer' - Link

Hosted on Youtube, this is apparently from a CD showcasing the short trailer for their version of Dragonriders of Pern

Ronald D Moore on his cancelled Pern adaptation – Link

Anne McCaffrey – Interviews

Luna Monthly #56, November 1974 – Link

Hosted by FanAc.org, a fan history archive, and conducted by Paul Walker. This heavily discusses gender in the Sci-Fi genre.

Princessions #14, Summer 1983 – Link

Hosted on Google Drive, by this blog runner. Princessions was a Wonder Woman newszine, but switched to being about uplifting women's voices in the Scifantasy space. The interviews take place during the White Dragon book tour.

The Power of Science Fiction and Fantasy with Anne McCaffrey & Elizabeth Ann Scarborough – Link

Hosted on Youtube by A DISCUSSION WITH National Authors on Tour, conducted by Kay Drache of Hennepin County Library.

Collaborating with Anne McCaffrey: An interview with Elizabeth Moon – Link

Hosted on katemacdonald.net, conducted by Kate Macdonald. This talks at length about Moon writing the Planet Pirate series.

Anne McCaffrey - Women Writers, Channel 4 1988 – Link

Hosted on Youtube by Nearrrggghh.

Anne McCaffrey: Norwescon 16 Interview & House Tour – Link

Advice from a Master: Anne McCaffrey – Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 Time Out of Mind Episode 4 – Link

Hosted on Youtube, Time Out of Mind was a 1979 BBC 2 series about science fiction.

An Interview With Anne McCaffrey by Lynne Jamneck – Link