#the closest we have to Cure Selfishness is Heart lol

[ebbywaffle]

people still fussin about Pekorin becoming a cure first over Rio when most (recent) cures become cures out of selflessness

the few episodes Pekorin gets are of heroism and trying to do the right thing, while it took 12 episodes for Rio to do something kind. Rio deep down is a good kid and there's nothing wrong with wanting to become a cure but somewhere down the line his reasoning for becoming one turned into only selfishness. he wanted it just to have it; that's why he failed (other than toei still testing the boy cure waters lol)

[monaownsmyass]

Time’s Up

If you have any fic ideas or requests you'd like me to write, you can leave me an ask!

Book: My First Two Loves

Pairing: Ava Lawrence x MC (Emma Price)

Genre : Angst

Rating: PG13, a couple of strong words

Word Count: 1,510

A/N: MC realised she likes Ava a little too late and struggles to cope with it. I was literally in the middle of writing a different Ava x MC fluff fic when I had the sudden urge to write a full on angst piece so I did. I know we Ava stans have suffered enough at the hands of PB but at least my fic is gay. This was written on a whim in a little over 2 hours so idk how good it is lol it’s my first fully angst work too so lmk how I did!

Tag list: @ineedskyecrandall @kamilahsayeet2063 @avalawrencefl @lovekamilahsayeed @thequeenkamilahsayeed @heygmicheelle @djtjsmith14 @jjlover01 @soft-for-drake @dopeyouth @alexroyard @satrinadia @toalltheboysididntlove @mypegasifly (lmk if anyone would like to be included or removed in my next fics and if you only want to be tagged for certain pairings.)

I heard sobs as I walked past Emma's room. Uncontrollable, inconsolable sobs. I stopped in my tracks and bit my lip. I wanted to go in and comfort her, to ask her what's wrong and how I could help her. But I've tried that the day this all started and she refused to even let me in her room.

She's been like this for the past few days and I couldn't bear it. She was my sister and it killed me to know that she wouldn't even let me in and my heart hurt to hear her cries and sorrow. I reached out for the door knob but hesitated when my hand was on it.

I sighed and shook my head. She clearly wanted space and I don't think it would help to barge in on her at her most vulnerable state. It took everything I had to move away from the door and walk away but I did.

I walked away and the sound of my elder sister calling out Ava's name as she cried faded with it.

~*~*~

How long had I been cooped up in my room? When was the last time I had a proper meal or even took a shower? When was the last time I saw anyone? Talked to anyone? What day was it? What was the time?

I couldn't answer any of those questions...

And I didn't care.

I didn't care about any of that. How could I when the thing that made me care walked out on me?

I know it sounds like she was the villain in this story but she wasn't. The only villain was time.

Goddamn time.

Time wasn't real, it didn't exist, but it was the thing we all dreaded. One way or another, sooner or later, eventually, we all ran out of it.

At that time, I felt like I had all the time in the world. After all, there wasn't any rush, right? My best friend would always be by my side, no matter what I did or who I picked, right? Right...?

Wrong!

Then, suddenly, I didn't have enough of it. Like an hourglass being smashed before the last grains of sand in it could fall.

Time was up before I knew it and if I had only one wish to do anything I ever wanted, I would turn back time to when it all went downhill. As selfish as it sounded, I wouldn't have cured world hunger or restored world peace or wish for equity for everyone.

Would that make me a bad person? To wish for personal gain if that wish rightfully belonged to me? Some would say yes, others no. Some would be uncertain and who could blame them?

For me, I didn't care if it was good or bad or morally-grey. I already saw myself as a bad person when I treated her an alternative instead of my go-to, so what was another selfish act?

'Cuz fuck, I just wanted Ava Lawrence.

But she didn't want me.

I could cry as much and as hard as I wanted but I knew deep down that wouldn't help with anything. It wasn't gonna get her back, it wasn't gonna ease my burden, it wasn't gonna fill this emptiness in me that was present ever since I watched her walked away from me and it definitely fucking wasn't gonna heal my wounded soul that would remain scarred so long as she wasn’t with me. Nothing.

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I glanced up at my ceiling. Photos of Ava and I plastered all over it above my bed. We hugged and smile and laughed and it felt like a lifetime ago. Maybe it was. I wasn't sure.

All I was certain about was the present and right now, I was pathetically and miserably crying over my love who probably didn't give a fuck about me anymore.

My gazed focused on one particular picture among the cluster. It was the last time we actually spent proper time together before shit hit the fan.

It was also the memory I cherished the most. It still was and even if millions of years go by and I was already on my life after the afterlife, I still would remember it fondly.

In the picture, Ava looked at me as I looked at her, on this very bed I was currently grieving on. I reached my hand out like I remembered doing months ago where I grasped onto her warm hand that fitted in mine as if it was meant to be. Only this time, I grasped at the cold, empty sheets.

She gave me a kiss on the cheek and the sound of her giggle lit up the room. Now, the chilling air from my fan brushed against my face and left me feeling exposed to the vast darkness of the space I was in.

She caressed my skin and looked into my eyes like she was looking at the world. Because at that time, it was true. I was her world. I looked at her like she was mine too. But that was then. Right now, my tears trailed my skin. It trailed my cheeks and forearms and hands from when I rubbed my blurry sight which was the only thing I could see.

She whispered 'I love you' in my ear and I felt goosebumps rise from her breath tickling my neck. In this moment, I could only hear my own sobs fill up my ears and the only goosebumps I had was from the fear of knowing I'd never experience that sensation again.

My heart raced and my stomach was in knots at her declaration. But now, my heart ached and I was sick to my stomach. I felt like throwing up but even that wouldn't make me feel better. Nothing could.

I thought back to when I started avoiding her after that. Months. I avoided her for months because I was too afraid to face my feelings for her. Too afraid to know the truth. I shut her out and didn't give her an explanation. I couldn't even look at her and I knew she thought she was the problem. That, of course, was the furthest thing from the truth.

The problem was me.

I was my biggest enemy.

Time may have been the main villain in this story but I held myself back. Time didn't tell me to ignore Ava and pretend my feelings weren't real, I did.

And when I realised I couldn't run away from them of her any longer, my time ran out.

I should've known she wouldn't have waited on me forever but something in me believed she would. And I think that's what made me a bad person. Not some metaphorical wish I'd use for myself but for thinking others, especially the ones closest to me, owed me something that wasn't mine to begin with. For thinking others owed me their time that was clearly running out too.

I remembered running after Ava, calling out to her, shouting, anything to get the attention I was craving for in the months I stopped speaking to her.

I remembered groveling and apologising, saying how wrong and sorry I was, how I would do anything to make things right between us and how I'd give up the world just to hold her again.

She told me I didn't have to do that and embraced me but it didn't feel right. The warmth her hugs normally had were absent, the tight grip she used to have was now loose and reluctant. The comfort I usually felt in her arms was replaced by uncertainty. This wasn't a welcome back hug. It was a goodbye.

This wasn't the hug I wanted but what I wanted didn't matter. I still treasured that hug, making the most of it and soaking up every last second of feeling her body pressed against mine that that hug gifted me.

She pulled away all too soon and didn't say another word to me. She looked me in the eyes and where I once saw her staring at her world was now empty. She wasn't looking at her world, just a forgotten planet. A lonely place that was once full of hope and adoration was now gone. She turned away from me and didn't look back.

Every step she took made every fibre of my being wanted to scream 'stop!'. To run after her and take her in my arms again, to grab onto her hand and never let go.

But instead, I stood still.

I shouted to her, finally admitting that I was in love with her. That I didn't think could live without her.

That made her stop. She stopped and told me she loved me too.

But not anymore.

Heart shattering, I watched her one last time, still looking at her like she was my world. I watched her walk further and further away from me.

And eventually, out of my life. For good.

(More fics!)

[thinkingthroughpink]

I've been trying to write something perfect for my sister...she would catch every grammatically incorrect part of this post 😁 Smh I had a whole day to do this before the world found out she was gone and it became all too real... But this will have to do. Sorry sis I'm writing through raw emotion... Man my heart is so hurt and I've cried so much over these last 5 days... it is with a heavy heart that I'm writing this post. My LOVELY dove sister Shaderi Taylor has gone home to be with Jesus 🙌🏾💗 LOVE HER SO MUCH!! 😟😢💙💜💗💛 I hate this pain & you know I f-ing hate cancer!! 😭😡 I was there until the end sis just like I told you I would be!! We didn't want this to be the end...but Gods will had to be done and you needed to be back home with our heavenly Father. Gosh I love her SO much and my heart aches for everyone connected to her. She had the love of her life in her loving caregiver and husband Antonio Taylor her amazing Mother Karen and Father, beautiful (womb) sister and great friend Anita Apple-Bum her sweet brother Rob plus a host of family and friends that I'm lucky to be apart of. Love you all and I'm praying for you during this time. To our #ANQ family God be with us all 🙏🏾 To share her transition period with her family and close friends was such an hour and something I'm forever grateful for...she was funny and caring even to the end. She was surrounded by so much love to the very end! Dang I keep thinking God I know your plans are greater...but why?! And the words of this song called "Prove Me Wrong" by Mandisa (lyrics below) really hit home. I told Mandisa about Deri and I told Deri about it when we spent almost the whole Wednesday together on May 24th. I needed to visit before my new job started that Friday. We had so much good quality sister time together that day 😄 I gave her an autographed CD from Mandisa, plus showed her the video I asked Mandisa to make for her because I was coming to the house right after the meet and greet. I've listened to Mandisa's whole "Out of the Dark" CD on and off of repeat for the last 3 weeks leading up to this. I guess God was prepping me for this as he's done so many times before. Deri REALLY loved God and the truth of the matter is although I've survived cancer and I know His ways are higher...I don't understand why my sister is gone. She was THE best sister and friend to me, even when I wasn't to her...I was scared from the start of her journey. But we were gonna ride this life out together as fellow Survivors...she had such a great life and more to do!! But cancer didn't make or break it. You won my love!! And the heavens rejoiced when you arrived 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾👏🏾 You fought until the very end 😢 BEST of all you're worshiping the King of Kings in a new body with no evidence of disease. I really believe she took over the choir and tried to teach some angels how to step & sing...just like only she could do!! 😇 My dove, you stayed in the fight until the final round and I'm so proud of you!!! Just like I told you, I knew your story and journey would be phenomenal 💪🏾🙅🏽🙌🏾 You handled this stupid disease with grace and strength. Even after helping me fight 5 years ago. And then we became sisters in this fight...but I hated that for you. The day you called me and asked if I could meet you at Holy Cross and you told me it was stage 4 colon cancer. It hit me like another gut punch but we cried and I told you I would walk with you through this. It was hard, I was hurting for you this whole time. I knew first hand what cancer could do at stage 2 but not 4. There is no one I would want to go through this and especially NOT you!! We met in 2009 and you were the closest sister to me outside of my line sister, you always loved me, cared about my feelings, stuck up for me, celebrated me, you even gave me my name Dove sister "Clean Sweep" ☺ I meant to ask you again how and why...funny story. But I wanted more time with you...just like we all did. More laughs, love, experiences, kids, I wanted you in my wedding like we planned. But that's selfish and God needed you back. LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY DERIBERRY, sweet, sassy, beautiful, witty, smart Deri, my warrior, SISTER, and DEAR FRIEND!!!!!!! I will live the rest of my life with you in mind and in my heart FOREVER!! I'll cherish our memories and friendship like no other. I will keep your legacy alive and fight for a cure for both (all) cancers until my last day!!!! And I'd like to think when we meet again I will be able to rejoice in the heavens with you and probably laugh at your stories about what you saw from us down here...lol! Rest peacefully my sister, Perfect Verse, #3, Mrs. Shaderi Taylor ❤️🙂😘😗😙😚💛💙💜💗 #DerisFight #DontIgnoreStageVI #SurvivorStatus #SisterFriends #SistersFromTheHeart #IllKeepTheRubyWooForYou #Healed #YouFoughtTheGoodFight #Sisterhood 💜💗 "Prove Me Wrong" By: Mandisa "You could've healed her You've done it before You could've sent the angels down And turned it around Wouldn't that have meant so much more? Instead you took her Left a young family behind And I'm wondering where you are You seem so far, while we're all here asking why And I've read your ways are higher But I just don't understand Trying to hold onto my faith But it's slipping through my hands Prove me wrong Prove me wrong These waves will take me under My heart will not get over And this pain won't make me strong Prove me wrong Would it be wrong if I asked you for proof? I wish that I could just believe, without questioning I'm just being honest with you And they say your ways are better But I still don't understand And you can't hold me together And this can't be your perfect plan Prove me wrong Prove me wrong All this pain This sorrow in my heart I can't find my way out of the dark Prove me wrong You know my doubts and fears I need to know you're here Still the storm that rages on Or these waves will take me under My heart will not get over This pain won't make me strong Prove me wrong" 💜 Mrs. Shaderi Taylor 💜 September 9, 1984 ~ June 12, 2017

[loumaddisiert-blog]

Chapter 1: January 2017.

Happiness. Sadness. Hope. Pain. Losing. Winning. Loving. Anger. January 2017 was a month filled with loads of different emotions. I learnt a lot, even if I thought the long and exhausting progress of learning and changing has been over. But it isn’t. This process will be at my side all life. But that’s the way it’s supposed to be. So it is good. I think so. To be honest, this process is tearing me down. I promised myself to be completely happy and satisfied as 2017 started. I had the best New Year’s eve ever and everything seemed fine. But through the month I had to focus some problems starting with missing loyalty until school (not to forget lies and disappointment). Facing stuff like this is very hard and just is comparable to a wrecking ball, destroying everything you worked for. I wouldn’t describe myself as selfless, actually I’m very selfish and egoistic sometimes, but I do care about the ones I love very much, and sometimes even way to much. Not hearing a word from my best friend for one week leads to the thought that he might be lying somewhere in the forest nearly dead. And I have the strong desire to just hop on a train and visit him. Or buy a plane ticket and fly to America, visiting my oldest and closest friend. But that won’t be as easy in the future. Lol. How all my problems end up with Donald Trump being President of the United States. Well, but he isn’t directly involved. 

Happiness, because I met some gorgeous people who stayed. Happiness, because I do have the most amazing friends one could wish for. Who love and appreciate me and al my flaws. Happiness because life is beautiful and god is with us. All the time. 

Sadness, because some people do not know what loyalty is. Sadness, because leaving something or someone hurts so so much. Sadness, because you need to be sad to become happy again. I’ve loved and I’ve lost. Sadness, because something great and strong is over.

Hope, because something new will come. Someone new and powerful will brighten up your life. Hope, because there is always someone to guide you. Hope, because without Hope there wouldn’t be happiness. Hope, because you are strong and able to make it. 

Pain, cause every path demands fights. And you can’t win a fight without scars. And scars proof your unconditional strength. Pain, because pain recall all the beautiful memories you’ve made; even if this time is over. Pain, because and ocean of tears does not show weakness, but only passion. 

Losing, because it makes you strong and ambitious. It shows you on what you need to work and “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” (actually the first time I get this line). 

Winning. Winning proofs your strengths. Winning, because it shows you that the fight was worth it. Winning, because you need to receive something to show you that life isn’t only pain. 

Loving, because we’re all humans and loving is what we’re made for. So go and love, spread good vibes only and take care of each other. Show love to everyone, because we all deserve a portion of love.

(btw I'm listening to Love on the brain atm) 

Anger, because sometimes throwing something with force against a wall cures your heart. Makes your anger go away. Heals a broken heart. Anger, because after anger comes clearness. And it is our purpose to learn from this, because there’s a reason for everything. 

Emotions: A daily struggle, every human has to face. Emotions: Something we are able to handle. Emotions: Feeling which are worth living for.

Sending all my love to you. GOOD VIBES ONLY.

Thusday, 31st January 2017, 10:30  pm