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ladynestaarcheron · 4 years ago

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Like Pristine Glass - Chapter Nineteen

ao3 - ff.net - masterpost

(tagging these cuties: @humanexile @skychild29 @rhysandsdarlingfeyre @candid-confetti @rhysandsrightknee @missing-merlin @azriels-forgotten-shadow @books-and-cocos @sezkins79 @city-of-fae @someonemagical @dusty-lightbulb @messyhairday-me @rinad307 @superspiritfestival)

back after my exam hiatus!! so without further ado, here we go!

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February 12 - 4 years after

The sun is barely shining before Nesta has rushed out to—who else?—Zeyn's house.

She can hear him taking his time as he makes his way to the door and she bounces on the balls of her feet. It's not an emergency...yet. But she doesn't like the minutes ticking by, with Cassian home alone with the three of them.

His warm brown eyes are bleary only for a second before he realizes it is her standing before him, and then they fly open.

"Nesta? What are you—is everyone all right?"

"We need to take Ollie to see his healer," she says.

"All right, I'll get my shoes. But—you didn't bring him?"

Nesta winces. Poor wording on her part, indeed. "No," she says. "I meant...Cassian and I are taking him. I...need you to come be with Avery and Nicky."

Zeyn, to his credit, does not flinch. His concern slips into something else, something she cannot name, for only a fraction of a second before it is back. "Of course. Just a minute, yeah?"

And he reappears less than a minute later, boots laced, shutting the door behind him. They set off together.

He doesn't even ignore her. "Are you worried?"

"I'm always worried," she says. "It's not the worst it's ever been, but...it's been a while." It had been six months since Nicky had coughed badly enough to need to see a healer. She remembers holding him in the first minutes after his birth—she hadn't been given him right away, like his siblings, because even then there had been something wrong with his lungs.

Zeyn must sense where her mind has run off to, because he reaches out and squeezes her hand. "If you think it's not that bad, you're probably right. You're going to see a healer. Everything will be fine."

She shoots him a shaky, grateful smile.

"Are Ava and Nicky awake?"

"I don't think so. Not when I left."

"All right...just get them ready and take them to nursery?"

"Yes, I already packed their things...if Avery won't put on a jacket, don't argue with her, but bring it along and give it to her teacher."

"Is that still going on?"

"Don't get me started," she grumbles. They round the corner and walk up the path to the house. Nesta holds out her hand to stop him. "Zeyn," she starts. Pauses. "Thank you."

It's not enough...there's more to say, she knows. But it does it, for now. And she has more pressing matters at hand, anyway.

---

April 12 - Year of

With the dawn of spring came dramatic change in the shop. Whatever winter wear had not been sold was tucked away in storage, and the switching out of the clothier's merchandise had inspired Nesta to do the same in Cassian's home.

Cassian did not have much to begin with, of course. But she felt she could rearrange the furniture in her bedroom.

Not that she had done much to make the place "hers"—in fact, she was not quite sure how. The little apartment she had rented in Velaris was the closest thing she had ever had to her own home, and she hadn't done much in the way of decor there. Briefly, she wondered if it was still in her name, or if Feyre had stopped paying the rent.

She decided she didn't care much. She was never going to go back to Velaris. Even if Cassian did still take his trips there.

While it was true that she had never purchased any bedding or curtains or a vanity, the subscription Cassian had gotten her for Solstice—NightWrite—had provided her with little knick-knacks. She had thrown out anything with Night Court insignia, but kept most of it. So pushing her bed to one side of the room and moving her bookshelf to the other was also accompanied by shuffling around of these objects.

It was during this...rather useless endeavor, she could admit to herself, of switching the order of the tiny figurines on her shelf, that she found it—the old flyer she had taken from the bar in the town center. The one advertising ships to that land across the sea. Gilameyva.

Nesta sat down on the bed. This is the paper that had inspired her, all those months ago, to get a job. To save up and go.

Since she never bought much of anything, she definitely had enough to book comfortable passage. She could go. Just set sail and...never come back.

Or maybe she could go...somewhere else. On a vacation. And then she would...come back. Didn't people plan for summer holidays months in advance? She could bring it up to Cassian now. Couldn't she?

But no, that would be insane. She had to save up. Because she was not going to live in his house forever. And where would she live? Would she build herself a house here, in the Illyrian mountains?

The flyer in her hand seemed to mock her. An idyllic land far away where no one knew the name Nesta Archeron. A fresh start.

For what she could not admit to herself, but what she had just started to understand was: she did not want a fresh start somewhere else. She wanted to stay with Cassian.

When had the switch happened in her mind? When did this pull between them not become so irritating? When had she decided to make her bedroom more comfortable, make her mark more permanent?

She didn't know. The only thing she was certain of was that this current state of limbo, of living in her room in his house while waiting for him to come back from meetings with her sister...this would not do.

Romance was fun in books, but in the real world, practically always won out for Nesta, and so it was abundantly clear to her that two options lay before her: either she would leave or she would stay. And those were her terms.

So all she had to do was work up the nerve to act on her decision.

After she figured out what it was, of course.

February 12 - 4 years after

When they get to the clinic, they are not immediately rushed into a room, which calms Nesta down. Cassian, on the other hand, only gets more anxious.

"Why aren't they letting us see the healer?" he demands in a whisper, low enough so Ollie, his head on Nesta's shoulder, cannot hear him.

"Trust me, if they think we can wait in line, we're all right."

"But he's coughing!"

"The others might have some graver issue. If they pull you ahead, your situation is dire." Indeed, there had been times when Nesta had brought Ollie in; the healer had taken one look at him and announced that she would need all her appointments cancelled.

"Sit down," she tells him, lowering herself and Ollie into a chair. She presses her lips to the top of his head as she strokes his lower back.

Cassian does, but it must be wildly uncomfortable; these tiny things with no wing-accommodation. She frowns. What will that be like for her children? To live here, where even in a community of different types of faeries, they are clearly other.

"You're really not worried?" he asks her.

"I'm concerned," she says. "But I'm not nervous. I know more or less what she's going to say. His lungs haven't gotten drastically weaker. You see him play and run around. It comes and goes for him. As long as we keep up with what the healer prescribes—which we do—we should be fine."

Cassian is quiet, clearly struggling for words.

"What is it?"

"Sometimes...things don't happen according to plan," he says finally.

She actually laughs a little. "Well, I know that."

His lips quirk at her slight laugh. "How did...how did you find out? That you were...pregnant?"

She leans back in her chair, giving Ollie more room to recline on her. Lying on his stomach sometimes helps with his cough. "I fainted, actually. And they—Miri, Zeyn—they brought me to the clinic and Amorette told me."

"She was your healer the whole time?"

"Yes. That's how we met."

"And you..." he hesitated. "She delivered them?"

"She did," she says.

Nesta often recalls that day with wonder. Her whole life she had felt—everything. Just so much, all the time. And how insignificantly nothing it all appeared, compared to that cacophony of emotion in those few hours.

"He was sick, then, too," Cassian says softly.

They have never truly discussed this before, but..."Yes. He was born...he was too small. And his lungs were...weak. Not quite underdeveloped, but weak. He wasn't...ready to breathe...yet."

Recollecting that time—collapsing in exhaustion and relief against the bed, and realizing only a few seconds later that something was horribly, horribly wrong—why weren't they giving her the baby? Why could she only hear two cries?—it always tightens Nesta's throat and blurs her vision. She can barely feel Cassian put his arm around her.

"We didn't know what was going to happen, at first," she whispers, half because of where they are, half because of what she's saying. "But he's...he's strong now. This is just...we're at the healer's. He'll be fi—" Nesta's voice catches on the last word and she can't finish it. She forces her mind to go blank. She can't imagine—can't let herself think—

"Hey," Cassian's voice cuts in. He squeezes her shoulder. "Stay with me."

You stay with me, she wants to say.

But she stays silent, choosing to focus on the feel of his arm. She doesn't trust her voice now, for anything.

---

April 15 - 1 year after

Midway through her second trimester, Nesta was more than ready to give birth. The extra weight she was carrying was officially past flattering, she couldn't see her feet unless she was lying down, and everywhere she went, people stopped her and asked her if she was excited.

The latter was the absolute worst, because she still had not decided whether or not she was going to keep the children.

But she had never been good at being put on the spot—her preferred method of dealing with unwanted advances had always been silently staring them down, and since she was trying to get along as an average Sugar Valley resident, when Zeyn asked her if she had gotten around to painting the nursery yet, and if she would like some help...

What else could she say?

So he was there that afternoon, holding two buckets of light blue paint.

"Are you sure there's any difference between these two?" he asked, squinting.

"Sky and powder? Yes." To be fair, she probably wouldn't have registered the difference so clearly had she not grown up with Feyre, ever-obsessed with chronicling the different colors around them.

"Are we doing...stripes?"

"No." Stripes? For babies? "Just those two will be powder," and she punctuates her words by pointing to the wall front and back walls, "and those two will be sky."

"Oh. Why?"

"It's supposed to be lightly stimulating." She had read that in a book Amorette had given her. She was skeptical, but the store she had gone to had given her a good deal on the paints.

"Right. Well. Let's start, then."

Zeyn could be irritating, but his endless, mindless chatter could be comforting, as well. That was how she felt today. And she did appreciate how he kept going to fetch her things—berry juice and an extra cushion to put on her chair. Nesta felt she had not done her part at all, but Zeyn didn't seem to mind.

"Any progress on names?"

"Nothing concrete."

"Ah, well," he said. "My mother says you have to meet a baby before you know for sure if the name is right."

Nesta didn't think she'd be able to "meet a baby"—surely they would just be...the same as the rest of the small children she saw at the clinic or around town. Babies, she felt, all looked the same, and even if they were older and had developed their own features, they weren't very diverse personality-wise.

Not that she didn't like children. She remembered a vague feeling of excitement being told that she was going to have a new baby sister—Feyre, she couldn't remember Elain's birth—and she had liked to play with her, when she was a young girl. But there had not been very many babies for her to interact with during her teenage and adult years.

This was ridiculous. She didn't need to dwell on this so much. She probably wasn't going to keep them, right? That was why it didn't matter that Cassian still had not written back. It wasn't...he didn't need to know, if neither of them wanted anything to do with this. Because he did not want children either, obviously. He was...busy.

"Maybe it'll look different when it dries," Zeyn said, interrupting her thoughts.

"What? Oh, yes...sky's a bit darker."

"Hmm," he said, frowning. "You know...I really don't see it."

Nesta shrugged.

Zeyn clapped his hands together. "Well, as fun as staring at paint dry is..." he grinned at her. "Want to go for dinner? Jamal's?"

And she was certain that Sugar Valley etiquette demanded humoring the person who spent the afternoon doing handiwork at your house, so she said, "Sure."

---

February 12 - 4 years after

It is just past noon when Nesta sees Zeyn again, at the shop, coffee and pastry in hand.

"Hey!" he says. "You're all right? Ollie's...?"

"Fine," she says, unable to stop her grin. "The healer gave us a tonic for him to take over the next few weeks. She said that he might need it now and again, but as long as he takes it when he does, she sees no reason to expect significant deterioration. He'll probably be on par with his siblings by the time he turns twelve." Nesta's heart sings as she repeats the healer's words.

Zeyn pulls her in a hug. "Let's tell Miri and Adil. They're in the back."

"Oh, I'm actually not staying long. I just came to let you know we're all right...and give you this," she adds, holding out the food. "Thank you so much. How were Avery and Nicky?"

"Fine," he says. "We had fun."

Nesta rolls her eyes. "Don't tell me."

"I wasn't going to," he teases. "It's a secret."

"You four and your secrets," she says, rolling her eyes again.

He shakes his head, eyes still laughing at her. "Are you taking him back to nursery?"

"No, we're going to let him rest. We think it also might be nice to spend some time with just him, the both of us. We're thinking—" Nesta stops herself. Zeyn does not need to know how she and Cassian plan to spend time with each child individually, he does not need to hear this. "He's just so tired," she finishes.

But the damage is done and the warmth slips out of Zeyn's face. He looks down at the order from Samir's. "Nesta," he says, soft, slow. "Are you really doing this with him?"

She freezes. "Zeyn. He's their father. He has a right to be included in this."

"I'm not talking about that...and I don't agree with you on that matter, either."

Nesta raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"He wasn't there, Nesta," Zeyn says, more desperate than anything else. "He just—you had to do it all without him."

"I can't believe you're starting this right now," she says, more to herself than to him. Louder, she says, "I will not discuss this. He's here now. He's a part of their lives now. He was with me today."

"He's here when it fits his schedule."

"There's nothing wrong with having a job," she defends—defends! As if she doesn't hate that he commands the Night Court armies!

"Yours and his are not comparable," he says. "Do you remember...what it was like? What it felt like?" Zeyn stops, takes a shaky breath, before continuing. "Because I remember seeing you. In pain. Burdened. All alone."

"That's enough," Nesta snaps, crossing her arms. "It's been months, Zeyn. He's a permanent fixture of their lives. You ought to get used to it."

"Oh, I'm used to that," he says, about as close to testy as Zeyn can get. "It's his being a permanent fixture of your life I can't get behind."

Nesta tenses. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nesta. Please."

She shifts her weight backwards. If he were anyone else...but he's not. He's Zeyn. Zeyn, who has always been there for her, to the very best of his ability, who left his house at dawn this morning to feed and dress her children.

So she takes a deep breath. "I need to be getting back, Zeyn," she says.

He slumps slightly, but she knows this isn't over. "Give my love to Ollie," he says.

"I will."

"Thanks for the food."

"Don't be silly...thank you. Really."

"Don't thank me."

"Well, I will if I see fit. Thank you."

It works—he gives a short laugh. But it doesn't meet his eyes.

She doesn't have space, though, in her head or heart for that right now. Not Zeyn; not that she doesn't have any room for him. But right now...right now she needs to go to Ollie.

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thank you all for your patience with this chapter, and @thestarwhowishes for betaing<3 would love to hear what y’all think<3

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Chapter Twenty

#acotar fic #acotar #nessian #nesta archeron #acotar au #i know all you know me only from like pristine glass but this is a sieblog #y'all we legit have only four chapter left!!#it's been such a journey babes<3

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betweensceneswriter · 7 years ago

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Jimjeran-Chapter 19 : To Have and To Hold

Going to the iar, and we’re gonna get married...

Click Here to Hop to the Table of Contents

Previously on Jimjeran- Chapter 18 : Restraint Jamie and Claire are ‘horndogs’ as they wait …

They were standing out front of the clinic when Jamie and I arrived, finally flushed from the brisk walk instead of our recent behavior. My mom, petite and brunette, her brown curls generously interspersed with white strands, immediately approached and gave me and then Jamie a hug.

My father was more reticent, hanging back and eying Jamie with critical curiosity. I had hugged him, and Jamie reached out his hand, which Daddy shook firmly, but then he took Jamie by the arm. “Let’s walk a little, son,” he said, as they headed down the road toward Ine. Jamie looked back at me with wide eyes, and I shrugged my shoulders helplessly, mouthing, “Sorry!”

“How did you get here so fast?” I asked my mom. “The Jolok boat doesn’t arrive on the island until six.”

“We went ahead and chartered a boat,” Mom said, gesturing toward my apartment, “with Dougal and Moneo.” It was then I noticed Jamie’s aunt and uncle, hanging back to allow us time for greetings with my parents.

“Where will you stay?” I asked, suddenly wondering how we could accommodate so many guests—on our wedding night. “The closest hotel is in Arno Arno.”

“Dougal is friends with the Iroij,” Mom said. “That’s the local ruler, right?” I nodded in response. “He is able to host us in his palace,” my mom explained. “Though Dougal assures us that the term ‘palace’ is used loosely here.”

I hugged my mom again. “I still can’t believe you’re here!”

Mom wrapped her arm around my shoulders. “There are a lot of astounding details and things beyond belief in the past few days,” she winked. “Now tell me about my new son-in-law.”

The local women had absconded with the extra food we brought on Thursday morning. They’d parceled it out to prepare rice and banana bread and donuts at home ahead of time, and as we stood there, they were bringing pots and wood to Meto’s house next door and to Plurose and Randy’s house on the other side. Men carried stringers of fresh fish, and several also brought the freshly plucked bodies of chickens. Children skipped up with rolls of pandanus mats which they laid out in the grassy area on the clinic property. A few men came carrying sawhorses and boards, and soon some makeshift tables had been set up as well.

I took my mom out to the iar, where we’d decided on having an open air wedding. “Oh, Claire,” she said, squeezing me again as she looked out over the turquoise lagoon toward the islands on the other side, “It’s so beautiful.” She sat down on the sandy grass, ironically in the same spot Jamie and I had been making out two nights previously.

“I’d like to help you fix your hair and get dressed,” she said, glancing at her watch. “It’s 4:15 and the wedding is planned for 6:30. But please tell me you have ten minutes to tell your mama how in heck you got engaged so quickly?”

“Sure," I said, sitting down next to her. "I met Jamie my second day here, because he had a huge gash on his…bottom,” I said, trying to be sensitive to my mother’s language sensitivities. “And I had to give him stitches.”

She looked at me with a smirk. “Oh, Claire,” she said, “That’s always how it always starts—looking at their hineys!” I rolled my eyes at her. "So, tell me more about him."

"He’s Scottish. He’s a teacher. He's really sweet. And out here in this place where they never show affection in public, he's been the one who gives me hugs and holds me when I'm sad. He’s been my best friend here."

"But best friends is still a long way away from marriage," Mom said.

"The catalyst was really my incredible cultural stupidity, paired with Frank breaking up with me," I said. "I was so devastated, I went to Jamie to be comforted. But it was nighttime, and afterward I just didn't want to be alone, so I slept in his bed with him." My mother said nothing, just raised her eyebrows at me.

"So, we ended up getting in trouble because I walked back in the morning in my pajamas, and Dougal believed my ability to be effective was damaged because they wouldn't respect me. He said he should probably terminate my service and send me home. And he didn't feel like he could punish me and not Jamie, so Jamie was in danger of losing his position. So I proposed marriage."

Surprised and amused, my mom shook her head at me. "You did? Just to avoid going back to the states?"

“I know it seems fast, Mom,” I said. “I know he’s young. I know Frank just broke up with me. But there is just clarity in being with him. I feel safe and loved when I’m around Jamie, and he doesn’t hold himself back from me. He wants to be married forever, and I just knew.”

“And this beautiful boy is also a virgin?” My mom asked, as she made a funny face at me. “Still? You’ve been engaged two days.”

"Okay, he's mostly a virgin," I joked, honestly.

"Oh, Claire," said Mom, "That's my girl! Does he know what he's signing up for?"

“Neither of us do," I said. "And we've pretty much agreed that that's okay."

"You know, kiddo," she said. "Even if your dad and I thought we knew what we were signing up for, we had no idea what life would hand to us. And you're right. It's been okay." She cocked her head and gave me a look of blessing and permission, like she was satisfied.

"Come on, Mom,” I said, hopping up and reaching a hand down to her. “Let’s go visit the ladies and see if we can help.”

With an hour left, Mom and I retreated to my apartment. While I had squatted and chatted with the ladies who were cooking, she had wandered around the property, finding some delicate pink and white flowers. Having the same ridiculously curly hair as I did, my mom had plenty of practice getting it to obey. She pinned my hair up, and once I’d put on my simple white dress, she wove flowers into the hair around the bun.

I hadn’t typically been wearing much makeup because the humidity made it run too easily, but I put on some mascara and eyeliner, and a little bit of lip pencil and gloss.

Jamie and I had decided we’d keep the ceremony pretty laid back and traditional. Traditional vows, ring, kiss the bride. The sun would be going down on the ocean side, so the sky would be pretty, but no glaring sun behind us. We didn’t feel like we’d known each other long enough to write our vows to be shared in front of everyone.

But I wanted something personal; I wanted Jamie to know that I truly did care for him and want him. So I’d suggested that we each write something to the other that we could go out to the water and read to each other alone. Jamie heartily agreed to the idea, so I had spent some time writing my thoughts the night before. I took the time to read it over once more, eliminate references to Frank by name, and rewrite it neatly. My draft was a mess, and even a little tear-stained, to be honest.

The time was approaching, and I became more and more anxious. My mom could see it, and despite the fact that the two of us were virtually the same size, she pulled me down on her lap.

“Baby, what’s going on?” she asked.

“How can I promise forever, Mom?” I asked. “I don’t even know if I could have promised forever to Frank.”

“I think that’s partly the point, Claire,” she said. “You yourself told me that something in your heart recognized something in Jamie. He loves you well, doesn’t he?”

“He holds me when I’m upset,” I said gesturing toward her arms around me and gingerly dabbing around my eyes with a tissue. “And I guess I was used to that, growing up. The thought of having him close, whenever I need him, of not having to say goodnight, of not having to send him home…” I sighed longingly.

My mom held my face in her hands. “It will be wonderful. But Claire, there may be times when he won’t be able to give you what you need, though, and that doesn’t mean it’s over. It just means he’s human. . .You’re going to have to give him grace, just like Daddy and I have given each other, just as we have given you.”

“Oh, Mom,” I said, leaning over to hug her. “I’m so glad you responded to my crazy decision and came to be with me.”

She grinned. “We gave you grace—just like that, Claire.”

I heard guitar and ukulele music coming from the lagoon beach.

“Where’s Daddy?” I asked suddenly. “Isn’t he going to walk me down the ‘aisle’?”

“Oh, didn’t he or Jamie tell you?” Mom said. “Jamie asked him to do the ceremony for you kids so it would be in English. And I get to walk my baby down to the beach.”

I slipped my feet into my sparkly flip-flops, lifted my skirts with one hand, took my mom’s hand with the other, and headed down to the beach.

The islanders were all gathered along the pathway, and as we walked closer to the beach, they followed us, settling on the grass and mats on the sand where they could see us. Moneo and Dougal sat with the Iroij and his wife.

My dad and Jamie stood halfway to the water. I realized we hadn’t even considered what height the tides would be; we were very lucky that it was low tide, so there was actually a beach to be married on!

Jamie turned and watched us approach, a wide smile brightening his face. Up until now I’d only seen Jamie in shorts and tee shirts—and occasionally the sarong. Now he was wearing khaki pants, and a blue button-down shirt, with a dark blue blazer. His ruddy red curls, which had been combed for the occasion, now were nearly burgundy in the fading pink light of sunset. He was heartbreakingly handsome, and he had eyes only for me.

My mom walked me all the way to Jamie, who held his arm out to me. He paused, though, to hug my mom, and to give her a hand as she sat down with Dougal and Moneo.

My brain couldn’t internalize much of what my dad said. I only saw the look of love on my daddy’s face, and the adoration for me in Jamie’s eyes, and I spent most of my time trying not to cry.

Our vows included the basics. . .to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death.

And then when we brought out our rings for each other, both of us having chosen simple gold bands for each other, we repeated words which for some reason had always delighted me, perhaps just because I’d always been a sexual person: “With this ring, I thee wed; With my body, I thee worship; And with all my worldly goods, I thee endow.”

I looked at Jamie, anticipating, for a moment, being worshiped by and worshiping that particular body.

And after that, Jamie and I walked to the water’s edge. He was hesitant, his eyes concerned.

“Are you okay, Claire?” he said. “You seem so sad and serious.”

“I’m just trying not to cry,” I answered, and proceeded at that precise moment to completely fail at my efforts.

Jamie moved toward me, tucked me up under his chin, and held me close.

“Everyone’s watching,” I said. “The Marshallese don’t show affection publicly.”

“I think they’ll excuse us today,” Jamie said, with a kiss on my forehead. “and I think I should keep holding you, because if this doesn’t make you cry, it might do it for me.” He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket, and in the fading evening light, he read to me.

My Turn

It could have been when you brought us food, Or when you showed me how to wear a sarong, wrapping it around the curve of your hips.

Or when you stitched up my injury so calmly and capably, Maybe it was when you sent Angus and Rupert away and they obeyed you.

Maybe it was when I first focused on you, the wild-haired new nurse who put herself under my arm and authoritatively walked me into the clinic, put her hands in my pants to undo the drawstring, and took off my shorts.

Or when you made dirty jokes and surprised all of us.

Whenever it was, at some point I realized that independence isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

That it was okay to need someone, to want someone. And I wanted you, Ripālle, you with your brown eyes and wild, curly hair.

What cemented “us” was when you needed me, too. That you cried in my arms when I came back to hug you goodnight. When you talked to me through the door because I couldn’t come in, And you didn’t want to be alone after the drunk villagers visited you. When you held my hand to go snorkeling, so you wouldn’t feel alone and afraid.

I knew you needed me. I could see it in your eyes at Najor’s baby’s funeral. It was killing you to be apart from me.

He should have dropped everything and come with you. Or if he had loved you well enough, you wouldn’t have left him. When you came to me, devastated by him, it was being with me that comforted you. It was my arms, my body, my heart, that sheltered you.

I loved you already. When you said you wanted to marry me, with your hand in mine, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was.

When my ma was leaving the world, she pulled me close to her. “Jamie,” she said, “Promise me, son, that you will only ever give your body to someone who looks inside you and sees you. Yer braw and bonny, and lots of girls would give anything to lay claim to ye. It’s easy for a man to give himself to anyone who will have him. But yer da gave me the gift of himself when we were married. And I worshiped him for it, because I never worried if his heart was with someone else.”

When my ma died, my da had sobbed, “I willna ever love another woman like I loved her.” And I knew he was telling the truth.

That’s the reason I stayed a virgin. I had plenty of opportunities, girls who would drop their knickers or get on their knees for me, but I couldna do it. Not wi’ my ma’s face before me, saying, “Ye’ve got a gift to give, sweet boy. Save it for someone ye love.”

It didn’t keep me from theft, drunkenness, or brawling, which is why I’m no welcome in Scotland right now.

But when I realized I loved you, I was grateful I had saved myself, and tonight, I’m giving myself to you.

He wasn’t lying. His eyes were wet, and mine could barely read my own words for him. But he held me close as he listened to my hesitant voice.

Enough

I didn’t expect to fall in love Not with anyone but him, not so fast

But something in you spoke to my soul And somehow you could hear my heart, even when I didn’t speak.

You have freely given me what I needed without me having to ask Comfort, affection, attention, time Security, protection, assistance, help

This seems sudden, and at times I worry That I am just using you to fill the empty spaces

The space left by disappointment, The space left by a five year engagement without a wedding without a baby The space left by aging, Of not being where I thought I’d be at 27 The space left by loneliness,

I don’t want to just use you So I hope that somehow I can fill your spaces, too That somehow you’ll need me

That in some way my arms will be long enough My body big enough My heart strong enough To hold you When you need to be held.

“Oh, Claire,” Jamie said, pulling me to him. “You are enough.” He turned and called out to my dad, “Can I just kiss her here, Major Beauchamp?”

“I now pronounce you husband and wife,” my daddy called back to us. “Okay, Jamie, now you may kiss the bride. And you, Claire, may kiss the groom.”

And so we did.

Beautiful Artwork by Cantrix_grisea

Chapter 20 : First Blood

After the wedding comes the wedding night–and in the Marshall Islands, a few curious customs as well!

#alternate universe #jamie x claire #Marshallislands #Outlander fanfic #BetweenSceneswriter

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pa-eonia · 5 years ago

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i’m going to complain for a bit so i’m sorry in advance

i have lichen planus, i’ve had it since like september 2018. it was hell at first, i couldn’t breathe because air burned my mouth, went to the ER many times just to get diagnosed with herpes and be given herpes medicine which actually triggered the lichen planus even worse. for four months i struggled, away from my parents, and only when i went to a dermatologist, which i couldnt do in germany because my insurance didnt even cover my ER visits, was i diagnosed with lichen planus following a biopsy. i still have (usually painless, sometimes burning) sores in my mouth that may also be herpes, i still don’t know what triggers them. i have quit alcohol and drugs that may possibly be triggering it. but they still come back. they are nowhere where they used to be, like i am usually okay but i am a hypocondriac with even more anxiety than that requires, and i am praying to god i don’t get another serious disease. i was only 20 when i was diagnosed with this weird autoimmune thing that normally older women have. it is annoying. i am fully okay with not drinking, i like being sober and awake and aware, i am only angry that i still have to struggle with it and that there is barely anything i can do to combat it.

but i am more annoyed at something else. my body is not okay. my body is not okay. i have tried telling this to countless doctors, i have been trying since i was 15 and i got shin splints and had to take a break from the only thing in my life that meant anything to me, i could not run for a month and i havent been the same since. i told the doctor that my hips have hurt ever since i can remember, that my lower back hurt as if i was 85 years old, but wow, he said, you don’t have scoliosis, and your shin splints will go away if you rest for a month. i cried in his office in front of my dad and he did not care, my shin splints went away but every other joint in my body is still hurting. hell, even my shin still hurts sometimes. my dad and his sister told me later that as a child i would always stretch my back, go into funny looking poses, reach all the way to the sky. i was 13 when i failed to do a yoga pose and was struck by lightning going up from the base of my spine all the way to my neck. 7 years later a doctor told me i hadn’t herniated a disc but i did have a benign cyst in my spine that might require surgery. 2 years later a doctor examined my fingers and said if it did not hurt it could not have been rheuma. i went from orthopedist to orthopedist, there is nothing wrong with you there is nothing wrong with you, my dad would flinch everything my hips cracked. he spent a year massaging my back for hours every single day after work as i tried to study. 4 years later and my boyfriend is massaging my back every day as i try not to cry. sometimes my shoulder burns as if thousands of volts are going through it. could this have been avoided had someone taken me seriously 7 years ago?

i was almost a senior in college when i said enough, enough, enough, i can’t spend half an hour crying in the changing room every time i go to the gym. i love moving my body. i love pushing my body. and maybe even more important than that, my hips will make me cry at night if i don’t work out at least every other day. so i said enough, i can’t live like this anymore. i went to an orthopedist. a female orthopedist. was given physiotherapy, i cried from happiness on my way home. i went to physio for 4 weeks, 4 weeks of 20 minute appointments, the simplest of moves and i am okay, i am okay, physio has helped me more than any doctor on this earth ever could. i still do those exercises. my hips crack sometimes. they have not made me cry since the end of sophomore year.

just a few months later: my heel started hurting. i blame the 8 year old boots that i loved wearing. i went to the another orthopedist, who said that disgusting doctor who had implied if i didn’t have scoliosis i can’t possibly be in pain was not a good doctor. what a relief. i had plantar fasciitis, don’t run, stretch your foot. don’t run. don’t run. after the shin splints i hadn’t run consistently, i hadn’t run as if i was flying. now again, don’t run.

at the same time something else was happening: my hips, that i was not allowed to stretch since they could just pop out of their socket, would not allow me to practice karate that i had just gotten into. i could not get into position, i could not open my hip without my knee caving in, we look over that when you’re a yellow belt but if you want to go orange, you need to do it correctly.

my hips, that i now loved so dearly, together with my heel, meant that i could not even do karate a couple times a week. don’t run, don’t go to karate, i could barely walk but i had to make it to the gym to combat the pain elsewhere on my body. i told myself i would go back to my orthopedist in germany to get more physio appointments. i gave it my all at the gym - after all, except for some hip stabilising exercises, pretty much everything was out. i told myself i could do a pull up. i did a pull up. then i did two, then three, then four. then five. then one day as i was leaving the house, trying to tie my shoes, my hand stopped moving. my arm froze, a slight movement making me bend in pain. i was convinced i had dislocated my shoulder - a visit to the orthopedist a week later made it clear that no, i hadn’t dislocated my cracking, visibly moving in its socket shoulder, it was simply how it was. my beloved orthopedist was also one of them, i was a medical joke, and did i know, another patient of hers had the same thing. and my heel? eh, get new shoes, only old and fat people get plantar fasciitis anyway.

i got more physio appointments. and for this therapist i am grateful. i am grateful. i owe him my life. because at that point, where i could not run, i could not do karate, i could not do lower body or upper body exercises, i was the closest i could get to taking my own life. i was scared that i would do it - this isn’t whining like oh i can’t workout, ths is a tragedy, no. this was years of medical professionals ignoring what i said, my body being in pain, me not being able to even walk because of it, and medical professionals. still. ignoring. my symptoms. i could not take it at that point, i cried every single day because i could not endure the pain anymore. and my physiotherapist turned all of that around. i remember when germany was hit by a storm and we were encouraged to stay home as much as possible, and i had an appointment, and i left the clinic running home with my f’d up heel in the rain. if anyone was driving near me they saw a crying, laughing, seemingly mental girl running in the storm, but i hadn’t felt that good in such a long time. my shoulder, which was in a way worse condition than the doctor had suggested, was getting better, so was my heel, and so was my back and hamstrings and hips and knees, you see where i am going with this. my ribs crack. they crack into my stomach and it doesn’t hurt, but every time i laugh i fear that i have ruptured something. my back cracks. my shoulders can get dislocated with every movement. my thighs, which help me sprint at 24 km/h for half a minute, that carried the 15-year-old me through 70 mile months, can’t prevent my knee pain. my left glute is still numb. all of these medically irrelevant. fabian, if for some reason you see this, i owe you my life.

then came the next orthopedist appointment. no my heel still hurts no my shoulder still hurts but all getting better. i just need more physio. did i have an appointment with a pain therapist, no because we are in germany and everyone in the medical field is indifferent to patients. i am still waiting to hear back from 2 neurologists. did i make an appointment with a rheumatologist, no because they are making me wait and wait and wait- oh wait i have an appointment two days from now. i see the rheumatologist wearing a mask, do your fingers hurt, no but i feel a vein over my elbow move every time i write, do your fingers hurt, no but every joint in my body makes me wish i was dead, do your fingers hurt when i do this, no but my autoimmune disorder makes me susceptible for others. did i tell you that my joints make me wish i was dead every waking second. we’ll run some more tests but you don’t have a rheuma-type condition, you should be happy, you are okay. everything i have told you is medically irrelevant. medically, i am okay, medically, you can’t experience pain if there isn’t an underlying issue. we don’t treat pain. we don’t treat pain when we don’t look for common diseases. remember when we did not look for anything else when your herpes lingered for four months and made you cry when you drank water.

these words, you are okay, there is nothing we could find, these words that reduced me to whiny, crying little girl, still there. i haven’t seen my physiotherapist since march because my pain is not a good enough reason to risk all the old people visiting that clinic. my pain is never good enough. my heel stopped hurting at the beginning of march and i could get in a full month of running before i woke up with a pinching pain again. i still don’t do karate. i have to modify every workout i do. some days i can barely sit at my desk because of the pain. wiping down the counters makes my shoulders click. i can’t sleep on my stomach because my back hurts, i can barely vacuum the floors before i have to stop and sit down. i am 21. i do not wish to see what the rest of the future holds for me.

#i am sorry this is so depressive #i am not depressed i actually like living and working out #but even laying on my bed right now hurts everything so much #i went for my last run and it was horrible. my shoulders #yes my shoulders #cramped halfway throuhg and i had to walk back home #i just want to be able to run again. without pain #all the other pain like shoulder hip back i can live with those #hell i have been living with those #but the heel is the worst #like when fabian said which pain do you want to concentrate on because we did not have that much time!!! i said heel #it doesnt hurt the most but emotionally i am at my limit #i just want to run again and do my workouts and just breathe without pain #and i never want to see a doctor again :) sorry if anyone is offended but my experience with them has made me want to die #a doctor shouldnt do that. i trust my PT more than i trust any doctor on this world and i will not apologise for that

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harmonicegg-blog · 5 years ago

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Gail’s journey from the Light Box to Harmonic Egg

Light Box to Harmonic Egg

Many have asked what the light box / Harmonic Egg has done for me and how I came to open my own center.

I first saw the light box in October, 2001. Now that I am here and we have been open almost 9 years I can look back and see how the journey unfolded and why timing is everything and this moment in time is exactly perfect! I started using the light box in January 2007. I really didn’t think I had any health problems and all the things I was dealing with were normal or I was just born with it. I do not have asthma anymore (had it since birth), my eyesight has improved and I no longer need to wear glasses (started wearing glasses at age 19), my digestive system works better, my hair is not falling out, my TMJ is gone, my cystic acne has all but cleared (thank God since I am 48!), no more insomnia (and I can breathe through my nose now), my broken left ankle (from 2006) and the torn ligaments (from 1996) in the right ankle no longer cause me pain when the weather changes or when I kneel and sit and I have more flexibility in both of them, my migraines of 23 years have been gone now for 5 years AND maybe it’s in my genes but I do not look my age at all…some have claimed there is an anti-aging component to the technology. I continue to use the technology as often as needed. Each time I emerge with more clarity of mind, more focus, heightened senses, better intuition and feeling in the FLOW… My Story: In 1997 I left Michigan, where I was raised and worked in Automotive for almost 10 years. I moved to Texas to build an International consulting firm with a man who was literally a rocket scientist and a genius. He left NASA and started to work as an independent consultant in Telecommunications. He asked me to come to Texas and help him grow the business. We grew it to 26 employees and over $1 million in sales for 3 consecutive years. The mistake: We got married and then divorced and I left him the business and started out on my own. The 5 years we spent together were great and I learned a lot from him. He was into wellness and healing and I took an interest and have been studying advanced wellness for all these years. It was a hobby and way of life for me. I used to think to myself, “how could I make this a J.O.B.”, but thought it was out of reach for me. In 2001 I was in Los Angeles at a conference where I met the inventor of The Light Box. I was intrigued by what I heard from him and followed his progress for many years. I even had the privilege to meet little “David” who you may see in a video testimonial on the Internet. He had a huge influence in why I am running a center today. When you meet a boy who was sent home from the Mayo Clinic never to walk or talk in his life…and he’s walking and talking, because of The Light Box, you start to wonder how life could be different for more people and how YOU can make a difference in this world with one technology. Admittedly, I was scared and comfy in my executive positions doing what I knew in Corporate America. I think we can all relate about fear of stepping into the unknown. In 2003 I was asked by another business owner (David Stanley, step-brother to the late Elvis Presley) to help him grow his production company. Together he and I brought his story to the big screen. The DVD Protecting the King is available in most video outlets, Netflix, Amazon, etc. That was 7 years of my life! Early January, 2007 was my first trip to Cottonwood, AZ to receive sessions in The Light Box. I was soooo excited after all I had heard and seen and I was going to actually be able to experience it myself. I went there with David Stanley. He and I stayed for 3 days to get the 4 sessions. This is what I actually sent to all my curious friends in January, 2007. Don’t ask me why I saved this…it’s truly was in my draft email folder for over 3 years! What you are about to read was my understanding from a first timer using The Light Box. I read it and laugh at my terminology and how I explained it. Today, I am much more educated on why / how it works and was mentored by the light box inventor, for 7 years! Plus, studying ancient technologies of healing via sound and light, how music influences our lives and body, studying the anatomy, sacred geometry, learning about Eastern medicine, working with doctors and other healers and having them as clients at the center. I am blessed! “Hi there everyone! You all wanted to know about my experience in the light box. I just finished my sessions here in Cottonwood, AZ. It was fantastic. What they have told me is that healing happens for 4-6 weeks. The very hard part is drinking 128 oz. of water for the next 21 days. Apparently, the cells are healing and releasing toxins into the body and water is the only way to flush everything out. Normally you are supposed to drink about 64 oz per day. That’s easy, 128 is hard. We had a total of 4, 1-hour sessions… My first hour session in the light box – entering a wood box on a pedestal with a mat / bed (somewhat like a coffin with more space – yikes!). There is a light overhead, rainbow painted in an insert the shape of a hexagon. There are six mirrors that reflect the bulb in each of them. They do not flash. The mattress seemed to have speakers underneath it and the music vibrated throughout your entire body. You are lying on your back with your hands (palms down) by your side. The theory behind it was the stimulate the nerves in the spine, finger tips, etc. My experience was my legs and arms kept twitching and jumping (involuntarily) and my back twitched and it felt like a wave of something down my spine. I was told it was energy blocks clearing. OK, cool !!! I am sure I needed that. David was told he was in the top 10% of patients that detoxed the most. They can tell this by the smell in your room after 1-hour in the box. The technician came in and had to get the director because she could not believe how strong the metal smell was in the room. He smelled as if he was rolling around in coins the rest of the day. Yuck!! Apparently, he was toxic and the vessel allowed the metal toxicity to come out. After the sessions we felt light-headed and both had slight headaches (which went away after downing a bunch of water). The rule is NO energy work, massages, etc. AND no working out for about 2 weeks. Supposedly to let your system settle into itself. As stated above, the cells will continue to heal for 4-6 weeks. They do suggest coming back in 3-4 weeks for another block of sessions. Second day, morning visit was different music and I was restless and not ready to relax so early in the day. I had a slight headache and dizziness afterwards. Afternoon visit was interesting as I had some energy blocked in my left leg that twitched and jumped about every 5 minutes. It was strange. I do feel like I have lost weight from the sessions or all the water – not sure which one. Apparently, the body works pretty hard to heal the cells so weight loss is not uncommon. David – well he was just plain worn out from the sessions on day 2. Last day…the music was different again and seemed to concentrate on my lower body for the first 15-20 minutes. It worked up to the whole body after that. Not sure how / why that is. I asked a lot of questions, but I didn’t ask ALL my questions. 😉 We left for the airport in Phoenix right after the session. Today is the morning after and I woke up feeling like I was hit by a MAC truck. Wow, this takes a lot out of you. I got up drank 25 oz of water and I felt great. The words to describe the difference in the way I feel are solid, clear, balanced and positive. I am a bit of a skeptic, but it seems that the box really does something, or it could be the couple days of rest and ALL the water. All joking aside, there was something about it that was magical and it did something. Well, those are my notes from the trip and experience. I plan to have more sessions in the near future (probably late March). AZ is WONDERFUL (and it’s where it all began), but the Phoenix airport is not very user friendly…those that have been there know what I am talking about. Let me know if you have any questions. Much love to everyone, Gail” It’s absolutely hysterical to read this again. I remember it like it was yesterday. I don’t know why I saved this email for so many years. I guess I thought I might need it someday! My friends that I sent this to asked me to send another follow up in a few weeks. This is what I sent out late January. “So, since I have been home – there have been no cravings for sugar / chocolate and food seems to taste different. Colors are more vivid and I am more aware of my surroundings. I have an inner peace that is just incredible and I have even noticed people in stores are treating me different, friendlier. Don’t know how to explain it – maybe it’s the 128 oz. of water… I just seem to be more balanced and things that would have stressed me out are no big deal.” As Paul Harvey would say, this is the “rest of the story”: In March of 2010 I was working a corporate job (consulting) and commuting back and forth to Dayton, OH every week. I hated it and so many things happened to show me I was not where I needed to be in life or in my career. I won’t go through the list, but the BIGGY was my dog ran away in February, 2010 from the place he was staying in / being babysat in Texas. This was pretty much the last straw. I flew back and forth AND drove back and forth to Texas to look for him for several weeks. I never found him. It was one of the most devastating events in my life. I have no children and he was the closest thing I had to a child. I loved him so very much and my heart still hurts to think about what may have happened to him. On the bright side, the Universe took away a 150 pound Great Pyrenees dog and gifted me with a 1,200 amazing horse! In addition, I was fired from the job because I went to look for my dog and left the office. I was unable to find another job for over a year and that ended with losing my home and having to file bankruptcy. After a successful career of more than 20 years I was lost and didn’t know what to do. The box was calling me back to Arizona so I decided to take a 2,500 mile road trip that included a trip to Cottonwood, AZ. I knew when I left the driveway my life would be different when I came back…I just didn’t know how. I have always been a supporter and in 2007 when I first moved to Denver there was a group trying to open a center but they were unable to get the funding so it did not happen. I was disappointed when it didn’t happen and had a desire to open one, but never believed I could actually do it. Upon coming home from the 2,500 mile road trip I ran into a woman I had not seen for a long time and started telling her about my trip to AZ. She said, “why don’t we have one here?” That statement changed my life! It was at that moment I knew what I had to do…this was around April, 2010. I opened Life Center on October 20, 2010. Fast forward to late 2014, the inventor of the light box delivered another version of his technology to Life Center and I can’t exactly tell you all the changes that have taken place in my mind, body and spirit from this new and very different technology. I can tell you that this technology incorporated a horizontal semi-360-degree resonant chamber that uses sound, light, vibrations and frequencies together in a way to more deeply reinforce the natural healing ability of the human body. This natural healing ability is enhanced because the cells in the body are reset, rebalanced and reprogrammed back to their pure (healthy) energy frequencies. Clients who have now used both the light box and the other technology, have told us that the second version worked faster and increased their healing ability much more. The good news is that Life Center is not just for sick people, it is also for people who want to use it as a preventative maintenance tool in their own health care regime.

Since 2016 we are using the next generation of sound and light technology here at Life Center. It’s called the Harmonic Egg and it’s a true 360-degree immersive healing experience (in the shape of an egg). You are in a reclined position (chair) and the sound resonates in it’s holographic-like micro-environment. Instead of hearing the sound from a speaker, you hear it in what I think is its natural broadcast. However, there are speakers in there to give it the ability to do this.

In 2018, we brought in a new Harmonic Egg design to immerse animals / pets with their humans and this has been an amazing creation. The animals / pets are having profound healing and holding the results. You can read more on the website under testimonials (https://lifecenter.us). One of the doctors we work with said this, “animals only know love and if we, as humans, only knew love we could heal as fast as they do.” My life has changed more profoundly since the Harmonic Egg. I am having more vivid dreams, I am more intuitive, things are flowing even more than they flowed with the box, I am happier, healthier and have noticed more peace and harmony in all aspects of my life.

In 2019 we created 6 Harmonic Egg Wellness Tracks just for the architecture of the Harmonic Egg. The Tracks are titled, Boost Immunity, Heavy Metal Detox, Liver Remedy, Reduce Inflammation, Stress Less and Kid’s Sanctuary. The harmonic immersive programs resonate the body’s energetic system and together with the immersive experience in the egg, create a significant opportunity for transformation and deep healing to occur at the root causal level. The Harmonic Egg Wellness Tracks are also available to the public for purchase and home use. (http://www.harmonicegg.com). These programs do not “cure” anything. They resonate and “tune” the body and the mind, open the energetic channels and release the body’s vital force, its natural healing energy, creating the opportunity for the body mind to heal itself. Secondarily, the programs bring the energetic into alignment by resonating the body mind with specific key signatures and frequencies. When these are received by the client, their energy, their presence seriously enhances the body’s ability to heal. Third, the immersive experience is a vibrational sound “bath.” This is facilitated through the conscious (intentional) composing and then mixing and mastering process. Our programs surround the client with beautiful harmony and sound, a multidimensional experience that facilitates the body’s natural healing process to the highest level. These notions of creating the conditions for the body mind to “heal itself” is the whole deal….this is the primary intention. I am excited for all of you to experience the greatness of the Life Center and encourage you to browse the website (https://lifecenter.us) to learn more about it. Feel free to contact me with any questions. I am available to serve you in your journey to a healthy YOU. We are getting more and more interest from people and doctors to purchase the Harmonic Egg. If you are interested in finding out how to purchase a Harmonic Egg, please contact us at 303-630-9218 or visit http://www.harmonicegg.com. Read the full article

#harmonicegg #lightbox #story

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harmonicegg-blog · 5 years ago

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Gail’s journey from the Light Box to Harmonic Egg

Light Box to Harmonic Egg

Many have asked what the light box / Harmonic Egg has done for me and how I came to open my own center.