#the closest thing to that was the 5th anniversary art i think

[teastarfall]

chat are these the real little nightmares

[zirkkun]

you don't have to post this if you don't want, i just wanted to let you know I support you. maybe I'm just not in the right headspace to understand, but i truly don't get the mentality that you not wanting to create 18+ content for an au you love, even one that's specifically 18+, is somehow censuring. you are the owner of your blog and you create for you and how you're comfortable doing it? just because you personally aren't publicly making nsfw content doesn't mean other people can't/you don't like them. the only thing I sorta understand is the name thing and how, out of context, it could seem you weren't happy with the original, but even then that's a valid perspective. not everybody has to like an AU, and if someone wants to do their own version there is literally no excuse for sending them hate. this is a fandom of AUs and derivative content, to get mad at someone else for following suit is hypocritical. you aren't in the wrong here, and the people spreading misinformation about you with the intention to hurt (even if they feel thReAtEnED by your PERSONAL AU INTERPRETATION THAT RHEY ARE FREE TO CURATE OUT OF THEIR FEED SHOULD THEY NOT LIKE IT ...) are absolutely being horrendous. I'm here for you if you wanna talk, you can DM on discord or here. I hope you're okay.

I mean, in a way I can understand taking it as censoring, especially after talking to a few people about it directly, since it was a bit of a combination between both the interpretation of the name misunderstanding as well as ULR not being 18+ leading to the conclusion that it was censoring Underlust. But after I explained it, the couple of people who approached me about that specific issue understood pretty quickly, too.

And, in all honesty, if I don't really like something, I wouldn't go through the effort of trying to make anything based off of it. The closest example that I can think of where I did something akin to that is when I once tried like, writing an AU for Fire Emblem Fates, because I love the concept of the games, but thought the execution couldn't have been worse. (I've done insane amounts of research on how it truly was so bad, and honestly, the dev team was a complete mess, so I don't really blame them for how it turned out despite them being the ones that made it lol. They barely could come to a midway point for it, so the fact they released it was a miracle.) Sure, there's points of Underlust I don't like, but as I've said before I could say that about everything I like. Except maybe Promare /j (but it is a good movie)

It's also probably really weird, but like, even with things I know I don't like, I'm willing to read or look into sometimes. Like, I don't like Dreamtale at all, but I've gotten myself fairly invested in More than one fic about it and do like some people's works based on it. I'm between unable to handle and yet can tolerate yandere fics nowadays thanks to Alch's fics and them just being a generally wonderful human being, but like, before that they just sent me into a panic attack lol. Ragnartale is also a weird one I am somehow invested in, since it's like, on the surface, it looks like something I wouldn't enjoy, esp since. None of the ships showcased I'm really into at all. But I'm very invested in it ;w;.

Anyway, my point with this part lol is like, I love seeing different interpretations of the same thing, and it's absolutely wild to me walking into this fandom from every other fandom I've been in where like, and AU is just the same characters in a different scenario, while here an AU is literally a whole separate world based off of either Undertale itself or a different AU entirely and the cast is really varied and even if characters are of the same origin from one AU to another, they're so distinctly different that some of them are unlinkable to the character they originate from. And y'all made a multiverse out of it!! With consistent lore between said multiverse!! Wh?? Like I said I've been on the internet a long time but this is genuinely the only instance I've seen this happen, and while I've been told it used to be worse, y'all are super respectful about stuff here too (and like, notably on YouTube with AMVs and MEPs, people actually credit where they got the fanart from in the description?? It's not all of them, and some may be without permission, but this is still the ONLY fandom I've seen do that and that's one hell of a leg up on everyone else.) It's like weirdly, to me, like... an ideal way art should be? Like, a world where anyone can make whatever they want, and people work with each other and from different things, taking inspiration from each other with credit and care and love and not slamming people in the face with a big copyright button for so much as thinking about making something off of their content (coughnintendocough). Obviously Toby's a chill guy too, for not only allowing this to all happen, but based on that message he left in i think the 5th anniversary vinyls, adores it just as much.

So yeah, definitely being slapped in the face when I step in with my idea after all of that openness before me definitely kinda hurt LMAO. It does feel nice to finally like. Actually talk about it instead of holding it in though. Even if it's actually almost two months later now (cause this happened on like December 5th and i was like already having an awful week with a real bad birthday so that was fun avdbwvsn)

I don't know that the original intent was to spread misinformation, because from what it seemed like, they merely read one post, blocked me, and then told everyone about the information they got from said post, but from there it became misinformation, because that one post is probably the oldest post about ULR and doesn't properly summarize anything about it at all it just has character faces and rules for the ask box lol. And frankly, before I updated it, it was out-of-date and inaccurate as well, cause i never thought it would be necessary to change. But that info that i have is also from like one or two posts my friend snagged off of twitter (cause, well, they blocked me lol), so I'm not really 100% certain.

But even so, thank you for the support man, I think I'm good for now, but I really appreciate your offer and checking in on me like this, it really does mean a lot💕💕

[kadehenry]

A Funeral Homily on the 5th Anniversary of A Suicide

Five years ago a friend committed suicide. I wasn’t the closest circle of impact, so for a long time I thought perhaps there was not space for my grief as well. I wanted to make sure we had centered the people most directly impacted. 

But over the last five years I’ve come to recognize that in doing so I also did my own heart a disservice. So, while in seminary, I wrote this homily. It is what I wished I could have said, had I been a person who spoke at her funeral. It was an attempt to sketch out the space I thought one could hope to hold when addressing such a broad group of people as those who gathered, both in person and online, in a space many were uncomfortable with and mistrustful of. 

This is belated. It is not enough. And it doesn’t change the things we’ve lost. But it is also my testimony and a bearing of witness. And for those reasons, I share it here.

===

When I head the news of Bryn’s passing, my first reaction was “God fucking damnit.” In some ways that still feels like the most honest response.

The news crashed over us like a tidal wave, leaving devastation in its wake. Even as some of us sprung into action, others were paralyzed. The shock and disbelief are tangible. For some of us, the overwhelming feeling is numbness – an oddly clinical detachment and a hyper-focused engagement with the details, because knowing everything feels safer, maybe saner, or maybe just helps us feel at all. For others, it’s rage and a sense of powerlessness and betrayal. How could she do this to us? What could we have done differently? Could this have been prevented? And for some of us, this new loss brings back to the surface other deaths that we were still laying to rest.

Grief takes many forms, and as we gather here together this evening I want to affirm to you the holiness of your grief. Bryn was deeply loved, and she had a profound impact on so many of us – of course she is deeply mourned as well.

===

Bryn was not always easy, but she was hard to resist. She could be soft and introspective, and then turn on a dime and cut into you with a razor-sharp wit. She loved and fought with women in equal measure, and she played boys like autoharps, deftly plucking out the melody she wanted with a skill that made them hum along, thinking it was their own tune. Will anyone ever again wear sundresses and cowboy boots so well?

She was witchy and mercurial; I never wanted to cross her. No matter how close I thought we were or might have been, that just seemed like certain destruction. And she was unapologetic - at least in my experience - about her choices and her feelings. She didn't shy away from the things that had made her who she was, and she didn't back down once she'd decided to scrap with you. Hell, sometimes she initiated it.

 But she also cared deeply about people. She loved hard and fiercely. 

And so it is perhaps appropriate that the last thing Bryn said to us was, “Be kind to each other.”

Now I confess that, because I’m a theology nerd, when I saw those words I wondered immediately if they were scripture. Bryn was a Christian – she and I talked a lot about faith – the faith we grew up with and the ones we’d found or fashioned or reclaimed for ourselves.

But I know that’s not reality for a lot of people in this room. For a lot of us, church has been primarily associated with violence and pain. Being in one now as we grieve Bryn’s loss doesn’t do much to change that perception.

Still, I am reminded of the words of that rhinestone femme prophet, Dolly Parton: “People just overshoot trying to find God. They're going outside and trying everything. They don't realize that it's right inside themselves.”[1]

 Whether or not you are a person who resonated with God as Bryn named her, I believe that the in the act of all of us being here today, we bring a radiant, collective queer divinity to witness to Bryn’s life and death. And that communal divinity is big enough to hold all of our grief, rage, numbness, and despair.

For some of us, that will feel like church. For others, it will mean something else entirely. And that’s okay, because faith or no faith, we’re here because of Bryn, and because we believe there’s something about that togetherness that is more powerful than our isolation.

 [Be kind to each other.]

 So I looked it up – that phrase – and it turns out it’s from the book of Ephesians, which is in the Christian New Testament.

I can’t say for sure that she meant to quote scripture in her final words to us, but reading them in that context I have to say the whole thing is very Bryn – in one way dark and funny, and in another, the kindest and most compassionate thing to leave us with.

 Because you see, Ephesians 4:29-32 goes like this:

Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up the one in need and bringing grace to those who listen.

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, in whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, outcry and slander, along with every form of malice. 

Be kind and tender-hearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.

It’s not exactly what I was expecting. And also, it’s perfect.

Bryn, the saltiest, shadiest, wryest and most wonderfully acerbic of high femmes, quoting scripture that speaks directly against those qualities.

And at the same time giving us another kind of way to be with each other, even and especially in grief.

To be kind to one another - standing alongside each other and holding each other even as we reel in the wake of her death.

 To be kind to each other – leaving space for grace, and the many ways people grieve, and also reminding each other that we will never fully understand why this happened or be able to logic it away.

To be kind to each other – forgiving ourselves and others for our shortness and our shortcomings in the days to come. Her death is not anyone’s fault, except perhaps, as Sarah said, the fault of a State that failed her.

Bryn’s words are a rejection of the very isolation she struggled with, and the demons that she grappled with, and ultimately lost to. Her words urge us to turn us towards each other, even if she couldn’t in those final moments.

She wouldn’t have given us these words if she didn’t know they’d be hard, but also that they could save us.  Like all of Bryn’s best works, they have that perfect balance of sharp-edged truth and artful fiction, just to make it go down easier.

We could read her words as a fiction, an impossibility, a platitude. But we could also take them seriously. Pick them up and live them as a mantra. Build the kind of home, peace, and rest we know she always wanted for herself and for all of us.

Bryn rests now in power, and we, the living, are left to treasure all the pieces of glitter she left lodged in our souls. May we shine more brightly for each other because she has been a part of us.

 Amen.

[1] “16 Quotes by Dolly on Faith and Family.” Southern Living, www.southernliving.com/culture/celebrities/dolly-parton-quotes-religious?slide=299010#299010.

[trifoliate-undergrowth]

I’m 24 today, on the 5th anniversary of the Pulse Nightclub shooting, which happened on my 19th birthday. I remember seeing the news air on the televisions at the restaurant where I was celebrating with my parents, who I’ve cut ties with just this year. It was a place with really great dim sum food but it isn’t there anymore, has been sold and converted into something else. 

It was a Sunday. We’d just come from Mass. I was wearing a skirt. I was still desperately believing in God and in the fantasy that I was a straight cis neurotypical Catholic woman. I was working on my first real fanfiction, which was a mess of contradictory elements, gay curiosity and repression. I remember it. 

I remember, and have remembered ever since, the author’s note I put in the day’s fanfiction chapter to commemorate the occasion. I had nothing to say, and I should have kept silent. I’ve been ashamed of it ever since. 

See, it was natural to be shocked and horrified That Someone Would Do That. Obviously you don’t just go out and shoot people, it isn’t nice. But the us/them dichotomy is deeply ingrained. I knew the shooter was an Us. All I could muster was a weak “well I don’t think shooting people is a good thing.” 

I saw art passed around one of the fandoms I was in commemorating the event with real empathy and grief, remembering and honoring the memories of the victims, grieving for them. And I felt.... I can’t describe it. I didn’t understand it. Repulsed is the closest word. A kind of embarrassment, maybe. I felt compelled to turn my head away. Sure, they shouldn’t have been killed, I knew that, but these weren’t people you honored. 

Fuck. Here’s the author note.  I have no one else to confess to because the technical catholic sin here was not my initial response but the fact that I’ve changed. Even if I still believed, which I don’t. 

“A/N: So you know how music sometimes starts playing in vanilla minecraft and it's just beautiful and it's… it's just… I love the minecraft music, OK? So I was wondering how that would translate in this world… If you're on DeviantArt you'll know that it's my birthday today. (I thought that I had disabled the birthday notifications actually, but apparently not.) I wanted to finish this and have a chapter update as a birthday present for you guys. We don't watch TV so we didn't hear about last night until we went out today. I'd decided to have lunch at a Chinese tea house that recently opened, and sitting there, drinking chrysanthemum tea, the news is blaring the story. A young man native to America walked into a Florida club with an assault rifle and killed 50 people. ISIS thinks he's cool because he supports them. Hey, free death, they didn't even have to come over here. And an American anti-gay group thinks he's the judgement of God on the gay club which he attacked. Listen. Nobody should be celebrating this, especially Americans, even if you agree with the some of the shooter's base beliefs. You don't walk into a business in peacetime in your own country and shoot people. That's how we make our world a hell. If we could all learn to respect one another enough to discuss differences in belief without screaming, setting things on fire or, for the love of God, SHOOTING people, we might all be able to help each other out. HAHAHAHAHA. Right? If your opinion differs, you're going down. Boom. That's just how we work here, apparently, and I'm sick and tired of being human if this is the only way we can relate to one another. We're sitting in the dark in a world filled with monsters, listening for the music. Do me a favor on my birthday. The music is very faint, you won't hear it if you're not listening. So listen for it. Oh, and drink some chrysanthemum tea while you're waiting. It's supposed to help you feel alert and it tastes like sunshine.” 

The best thing I can say for this is that, actually reading it again now, I can see how afraid I was--how afraid I couldn’t even begin to admit I was at the time. It wasn’t personal, it could never be personal, I wasn’t a Them. I couldn’t. 

That doesn’t change how... unnecessary, and patronizing, and weak it was to basically say “hey huh wow. um. maybe we could discuss how you’re going to hell civilly, with fewer mass murders..” God. God. 

I have nothing to add or to change. The only thing I’ll say is I wish I’d never written it because I had nothing to say. I have nothing better to say except that I now know that there’s nothing you can say and it isn’t my place and I wish I could erase it, but it’s been up and visible for so long I’m just going to post an amendment instead, because it does exist, it can’t be erased. 

But I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’m thinking--it took five years after that. Even with everything. It took me so long to get out. Some people never get out. I’m thinking about my mother and her obsession with those dangerous evil filthy lesbians who could so very easily seduce the weak. I’m thinking about “gay panic” and all the kids with guns. All the boys taught to trust guns over the slightest display of softness. 

But I have nothing to say, except that I want to cry, and it’s been five years, and I honor the memories of the victims I was ashamed to acknowledge before. I’m now ashamed of my shame. They have every right to be ashamed of me. But I’m here now, and I have had the horrifying experience of being able to see myself on either side of the gun.