#the book being good on its own terms is more important than my expectations for it.

[gamesception]

What do I want from Batgirl (2024)?

It's a bit late to be posting this, since the first issue is out and everyone but me has already read it, but yeah, Cassandra Cain has a new solo Batgirl title, afaik an ongoing, not a miniseries. And yes, I will be picking it up and following along to post my comments on it, even if comments on the first issue will be a bit late as I try to decide whether and how much of post-reboot Cass's existing backlog I want to refresh myself on before starting this book proper. But I can post a wish list I suppose, and people who already know better can enjoy the dramatic irony.

I'm a big fan of old school Cass, and by that I don't just mean pre-reboot, or before the end Batgirl (2000), but specifically during the run of that book's initial creative team. I have complaints about that team - failing to follow through on some wonderfully set up character arcs, an art style that started almost perfect and slowly drifted in a direction that wasn't worse art, but that imo didn't serve the book as well. failing to consider what Cass meant as a prominent Asian or Disabled hero, which resulted into the book blundering into some negative tropes and over-correcting in ways that blundered in new directions. However, for all my minor complaints, that team absolutely nailed the core of an extremely compelling character and an extremely compelling storytelling style.

You might think that means I want to see a continuity reversion to Cass's pre-reboot history. I do not.

First of all, IMO there's a ton of baggage that comes with that history that I just don't want to see again. The Dragon Lady villain arc. Black-Bat - I know this era of Cass has fans, I'm not trying to pick fights, but it wasn't my thing and imo would be a needless complication now. Lazara. Road Hog. The flanderized, one dimensional, store brand Deathstroke version of David Cain. As much as I'm a huge fan of the original take on David Cain, over time his character got shallower and less compelling until it got to the point in Batgirl (2008) that imo he subtracted from, rather than contributing to, Cass's depth as a character. Reboot David Cain from B&RE is at least so breathless a non-entity that he has the good grace to not matter.

literally who?

Post reboot Cass may not have as much that I liked, but she has way less that I don't like (at least less that I've read, which is admittedly not all that much), so I'd rather her new creative team build on what she has rather than throw it away in an attempt to turn back the clock.

Post-reboot Cassandra Cain is her own character, with her own history and stories and relationships. She has her own fans, who I'm sure care as much about her as I care about old school Cass. I refuse to be the kind of cliche nostalgia-poisoned middle aged comic fan who thinks kids funny-books should cater to my old ass and demands anything new be brushed aside to try to restore whatever status quo is enshrined in the amber of my own youthful memories. That's exactly the sort of sentiment that saw Cassandra's character destroyed, sidelined, and retconned out of existence for years in the first place, the sentiment that was willing to throw away Barbara Gordon as Oracle to try to wind the clock back on Killing Joke. 2000 was 24 years ago.

So I DON'T want the original version of Cassandra's continuity restored.

That said, I WOULD like her current continuity clarified a bit, as it's kind of hard to square the Cass in recent Detective Comics with the Cass in rebirth era Detective Comics with the Cass in Batgirls with the Cass in Birds of Prey. How old exactly is she? What level of language proficiency does she have these days? And because I want clarity, I ESPECIALLY don't want the new book to coyly imply old continuity is restored while leaving it up to the reader's imagination what exactly that includes or how much if anything of her reboot history remains.

....

While I don't want the return of original Cass's history, I do very much want the return of original Cass's storytelling style.

The Puckett/Scott era of Batgirl (2000) was characterized by a particular storytelling style:

Each issue tells a complete story. They'll often reference or touch on longer ongoing serialized narratives or advance developing character arcs and dynamics, and obviously on occasion there'll be tie ins to other books or bigger, multi issue stories, as a treat, but if you pick up a random issue of the run the odds are you should get at least some sort of story with a satisfying conclusion. Obviously I'm willing to relax this for the first issue or two as I expect a bigger story to kick things off, but if you look back at Batgirl (2000) #1, they were still able to tell a complete story with the 'MERC' thug, showing us the course of Cassandra's life in the process.

Those stories all either directly or indirectly reinforce Cassandra's core character themes, motivations, and relationships, including:

guilt - the burden of it, the value and shortcomings of acts of penance, questioning whether repentance can be real or how much it even matters if it is. How characters respond to it - pretending it's something else as Bruce does with his Vengeance, or trying to hide it in shame and isolating yourself in a cage of lies and secrets as Cass initially does, or drowning it in alcohol and nostalgia and regret as og David Cain did. The different ways guilt can shape a person - making Bruce hard and distant, making young Cass gentle and empathetic.

interpersonal drama - specifically the kind of dysfunctional relationships that come from people who deeply and genuinely care about each other but whose individual flaws and failures interact in ways that sometimes fail to help each other or actively hurt each other or sometimes even make each other worse. When and how these relationships can be salvaged and when they need to be severed - if that's even really possible.

humanity and human connections - Not just fraught familial bonds, but brief moments of human empathy that transcend language. Small acts of anonymous kindness or sacrifice, the support and love of people who care - no matter how flawed they may be. The idea that despite the weight of guilt and turmoil and suffering there's and underlying goodness in humanity that's worth defending. That every human being from the best of us to the worst is an individual person with their own lives and motivations and interiority. No faceless goons! Even background extras should have unique faces and identifying details.

Sombre tone - As you might expect from a character whose founding motivation is bottomless guilt and penance to the point of self destruction, whose relationships with the people who love her most are too often defined by the ways they fail and hurt each other, Batgirl (2000) was, overall a bit of a downer. Not dark, not grim, never ever gross or grisly, but more often than not sad. Or at best bittersweet. And I do want some of that tone back for Cassandra's solo book. Birds of Prey is too wholesome for me. I want angst, I want brooding... or not even brooding, dwelling. I want tragedy. I want inescapable truths that bind and burden rather than setting anyone free. I want those tiny points of human connection and empathy to be bright stars standing out in a long, dark night.

show don't tell - Cassandra's stories should be told in a way that leans on the panel art rather than narration. I know this is a reductive writing advice cliche that doesn't fit all stories and characters, but it IS critical to stories with THIS character. Even if she can talk just fine now, Cassandra should still be a character of actions more than words. Critically, don't *tell* me what she's feeling with blunt narration, *show* it on her face. I don't care if Cass's costume has a full face mask, shrink-wrap that thing to show her expressions anyway. I'm here for the character drama, not realistic fabric physics. Pick a lead artist based on their ability to do expressions, not fight scenes, and pick a lead Writer whose willing to trust the artist and the reader enough to let go.

no shock twists. Build character and narrative arcs, lay groundwork, foreshadow plot points, hammer core themes. The biggest gut punches should grow so naturally out of those well established themes and character dynamics that they feel inevitable. They should hang over Cassandra's (and the reader's) head right like the Sword of Damocles, or like a time bomb ticking down in plain view with no way to disarm it. Like Cass trying to hide the fact she killed a man from Bruce while Bruce tries to deny it ever happened and you just know a major confrontation is coming when that bubble of lies and denial burst (granted that conflict never really did come, BUT STILL), or the promised battle with Shiva. Or the falling out with Barbara (granted that one came way later than it should have to the point of feeling a bit out of the blue). Or the falling out with Stephanie over Cass valuing her as a friend but never really respecting her as an ally. Or David Cain finally making a move against Bruce for taking his daughter.

Small but serious stakes - Keep the stakes personal and emotional rather than large scale and physical. Cass shouldn't be fighting to save the world, a fight with no tension because she can't lose because we already have solicits for next month's DC comics. She should be fighting to save one man, to give a deathrow inmate one more night to live, to stop one boy's desperate father from making a mistake that could mean he never sees his son again. Stakes woth real tension because Cass can and does sometimes fail, and add the weight of those failures to the guilt that drives her.

street level perspective - few to no scenery-chewing costumed or super-powered antagonists, minimal supernatural or science fiction elements that might distract from the human element. The focus of the story should be tight and personal and human. Most of the criminals Cass deals with are far beneath her skill level, which makes most fight scenes short and punchy, leaving more book space for the juicy character stuff, and makes the rarer occasions when she does have to fight a super villain or a martial artist who's actually on her level more special and memorable.

That last point is probably less possible for modern Cass than for old school Cass, due to modern Cass's history being tied up in various super hero teams and their typical genre-crossing shenanigans, and of all the points its the one I'm most willing to sacrifice IF it means building on the relationships and connections that New Cass has built over that time.

Which I guess brings me to my specific requests. Entirely apart from the broader story telling stuff, if I had to list specific things I'd want to see from this book, it would be particular characters returning to build on some of Cass's relationship dynamics with them.

Shiva we already know will be there from issue one, which fits with the more significant roll new-Cass's mother has played in her story in the absence of any version of David Cain worth speaking of.

Barbara yes, though that relationship at least in theory /should/ be more a focus over in Birds of Prey, and I'll leave my dissatisfaction with Cass's depiction in that book for some other post.

Bruce, of course. I absolutely don't want a return to the Black-Bat or even the Bludhaven days when Cassandra was essentially on her own. Her relationships - both the supportive and the destructive - are the core of her character, and none more so than with Bruce, on both fronts. To that point, I don't want to see Wayne Family Adventures Bruce here either. Save that well adjusted self reflective good father in touch with his feelings to the point of being a downright parody of Bruce Wayne (one that I love, mind you, WFA is good) for fan fics and web toons. I want to see a Cassandra so devoted to Bruce that it's overtly unhealthy, like she has 'sacrifice myself in his name' on a dead man's switch. And I want a Bruce who, despite deeply and genuinely caring about Cassandra, either willfully ignores or outright exploits that impulse in ways that make the reader want to reach into the panel and wring his thick stupid neck.

But those are, or at least should be, just the obvious ones. If I had to pick a few maybe less obvious characters and relationships that I want this new ongoing to build on they would be...

Stephanie. This should be just as obvious as Bruce or Shiva, but I'm more than a bit worried here? I will be big mad if Stephanie isn't at least a regular supporting character in this book, and I'd have been a lot happier if she were a co-star or alternating lead. It's not a matter of shipping, either. These characters are best friends, and their friendship on the page is reflected by a shared bond between fandoms that stood together while their faves were both being put down and cast aside by DC editorial. I will not have Stephanie Brown and her fans disrespected yet again, especially not for the sake of propping up any version of Cass as better or more important or more worthy.

Clay Face. Iirc he's back to being a villain? if so that makes him a perfect candidate for the sort of emotionally fraught interpersonal drama mentioned above, even if he's a weird and distractingly unrealistic supervillain. Cass promised to be there to punch him if he ever strayed from the path - a new-Cass moment that was incredibly true to the spirit and character of original-Cass. Have her make good on that promise! Or maybe she already did - I'm not super familiar with current Cass's continuity, but even if she has this seems like a connection worth bringing back.

Harper Row. As far as I know DC's done fuck all with her since Batman and Robin Eternal? I could be wrong again, though, and please correct me if I am. Admittedly there's a Sci-fi bent to Harper that goes against the last point above, but it's more than worth the exception. Harper Row was a close friend from the moment this new Cass was introduced AND as the daughter of the woman new-Cass killed, Harper's mere presence in the book would open up the door to bring back, focus in, and really dwell on that core theme of guilt I was talking about. Plus the Drama of Cass's devotion to Bruce vs. Harper's disillusion with him. Just a ton of room for emotional tension and angst. Just please, PLEASE don't let her randomly show up as a villain. That would be dumb and bad and only recall the time DC tried that garbage with Cass herself. No Shock Twists!

Xanthe Zhou. A more recent connection, and one that again violates the last rule in the 'story style' list above, this time for their supernatural abilities. But I would like to see the new book let Cassandra build more of a cultural connection to her Chinese heritage, and that's not something I can see coming from her mother. That heritage is however a core part of Xanthe's character concept, and I think they worked together well in the recent Spirit World miniseries. I don't think Xanthe is part of any other current titles - though do please correct me if I'm missing something - and if not then I at least would be happy to have them as a Batgirl regular, supernatural elements not withstanding.

[lucky-clover-gazette]

prince's gambit highlights & annotations

chapter 16

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

The Vaskian women, whose allegiance was tentative, retreated with the carts—except two, who stayed to fight on the understanding that they would receive the horses of any men they killed.

HORSE GIRLS UNITED

‘The Regency,’ said Laurent, addressing the troop, ‘thought to take us outnumbered. It expected us to roll over without a fight.’ Damen said: ‘We will not let them cow us, subdue us or force us down. Ride hard. Don’t stop to fight the front line. We are going to smash them open. We are here to fight for our Prince!’

THEY’RE SPEECHING TOGETHER <3

He recognised, in himself, that he was angry, and that it had less to do with Aimeric’s betrayal than with the Regent, the malicious rumours that the Regent employed—warping the truth, warping men, while the Regent himself remained pristine and untouched as he set his men to fight against their own Prince.

big breakthrough with the nice vs. good theme!

‘It would not have been my strategy.’ ‘I know. You overcomplicate things.’

‘Then we’ll have a swift victory. I meant what I said. If we sleep tonight inside the walls of Ravenel, in the morning, I will take off the collar from around your neck. This is the battle you came here to fight.’

spoiler alert: not only will you be sleeping tonight inside the walls of ravenel, you will be sleeping together tonight inside the walls of ravenel

He felt Touars’s blade drive into the ground, slicing through the straps of his helm, and—where it should have hit his neck—scraping with a metallic sound down the side of his gold collar.

He turned, the truth on his face. Stripped bare, he could not hide himself in that moment. Laurent, he thought, and lifted his gaze to meet the eyes of the man who had witnessed the last words of Lord Touars. It wasn’t Laurent. It was Jord. He was staring at Damen in horror, his sword lax in his hand. ‘No,’ said Damen. ‘It’s not—’ The final moments of the battle faded around Damen, as he came to full comprehension of what Jord was seeing. Of what Jord, for the second time that day, was seeing. ‘Does he know?’ said Jord.

probably the worst possible person to hear this, ngl. since he’s nursing a betrayal and heartbreak.

okay so the first time i read this, i didn’t think laurent knew. so this was SO fucking stressful. like i felt so bad for laurent. and i still do, i feel bad for both of them! but there is a relief to knowing that laurent knows. but damen still has to deal with the anxiety of this between now and the reveal, which i think is important for his development. and laurent is still in denial, even if he knows who damen is. that’s how he allows himself to be vulnerable at all, which is ultimately what he needs.

Laurent reined in beside him, still astride the same horse, dried blood in a stripe along its shoulder. ‘Well, Captain,’ he said. ‘Now we merely have to take an impregnable fortress.’ His eyes were bright.

modern au gamer laurent…

All men would receive care.

laurent is trying to do war in the most honorable way possible

‘Are you here to kill me?’ said Jord. ‘No,’ said Damen. There was a silence. They stood two paces apart. Jord had a knife drawn, and held it low, a white-knuckled fist around the hilt.

jord’s definitely thinking about aimeric and orlant

‘You hated us so much, all this time? It wasn’t enough to invade, to take our land? You had to play this—sick game as well?’

jord i get where you’re coming from, and this was heart-wrenching on my first read, but i assure you that laurent’s game is sicker and he’s been playing it on purpose

‘Tell him?’ said Jord. ‘Tell him the man he trusts has lied, and lied again, has deceived him into the worst humiliation?’

babygirl you’re projecting a little bit

‘You killed his brother, then got him under you in bed.’ Put like that, it was monstrous. It’s not that way between us, he ought to have said, and didn’t, couldn’t. He felt hot, then cold. He thought of Laurent’s delicate, needling talk that froze into icy rebuff if Damen pushed at it, but if he didn’t—if he matched himself to its subtle pulses and undercurrents—continued, sweetly deepening, until he could only wonder if he knew, if they both knew, what they were doing.

craft note: this is just beautifully written. i love the way pacat describes their mutual attraction and the way they interact with each other

He’ll mourn your loss, and never know.

bet you wish you could have had that with aimeric, jord, instead of what you got

craft note: honestly, wow. this is a really clever way to keep the “does laurent know” mystery compelling. jord and aimeric as a parallel to laurent and damen distracts the reader from the idea of laurent knowing, and it misleads the reader into seeing the dynamics as parallel. like, jord, damen, and most likely the reader all think at this point that damen = aimeric in this situation; the traitor, who knows more than his partner. and it’s dramatic and emotional and limited to damen’s pov, so it’s easy for a first time reader to buy into it.

but in reality, the one with more knowledge here is laurent, who both knows who damen is and knows that damen doesn’t know that he knows who he is. the jord/aimeric thing and the upcoming nicaisening are both really smart things to insert at this point in the plot, so most first-time readers get to experience the shock of the reveal without being intentionally misdirected in a way that feels cheap.

it’s not satisfying to be outright told one thing is true (laurent doesn’t know) and then have a “twist” that it’s actually untrue. but because pacat takes the care to plant the suggestion of laurent’s ignorance through a parallel to another character, the reader is the one filling in the blanks. so then when the truth is plainly revealed, the reader gets to rethink everything, see what they missed, and not feel annoyed or misinformed.

‘You’re gone by the time the sun hits the middle of the sky, or I tell him,’ said Jord. ‘And what he did to you in the palace will seem like a lover’s kiss compared with what will happen to you then.’

jord you look so silly now that i know the twist. you underestimate laurent’s cognitive dissonance and the power of love that isn’t simply predicated on sex. maybe if you and aimeric had grown to respect each other as people first, like damen and laurent, things could have gone differently. just sayingggggg

‘You fill me with horror,’ said Jord. His hands were tight on his knife. Both his hands, now.

oh shut up. damen’s fine.

[longitudinalwaveme]

My Thoughts On Each Long-Term Writer of the Flash, Part 1

Over the years, the Flash comics have been written by a huge number of writers, with their own strengths and weaknesses. In this post, I am going to give a rundown of all the major Flash writers and talk about the high points and the low points of their runs. In order to qualify as a major Flash writer, the writer has to have written at least four or five issues of the Flash (so fill-in writers don't count).

Keep in mind that much of this is subjective and based solely on my personal opinions. Also keep in mind that I will be harder on the more recent writers than the Gold/Silver/Bronze Age writers, since the older writers were writing during a time when there was much less editing and continuity than there is today. As such, I don't expect as much from their stories as I do from more modern writers.

I'll begin with the original writer for the Golden Age Flash, Gardner Fox, and move forward chronologically from there.

Gardner Fox

Positives

First, and most obviously, Gardner Fox was responsible for creating the Thinker, the Shade, the Ragdoll, the Rival, Jay Garrick, Joan Garrick, and the Flash identity itself. Without Gardner Fox (and artists Harry Lampert and E.E. Hibbard), there's no Flash. This pretty much makes him Flash's most important writer by default.

Introducing the Multiverse. When Gardner Fox started writing the Silver Age Flash, one of the first things he did was introduce the new Flash, Barry Allen, to the original Flash, Jay Garrick. He did this, of course, by establishing the concept of the multiverse. Earth-1 and Earth-2 existed in the same place in space, but vibrated on different frequencies, and each world had its own Flash. It was a brilliantly ridiculous sci-fi way to have both Flashes coexist, and it enabled Jay Garrick, and the rest of the JSA, to return to the DCU.

Writing female characters. For a Golden/Silver Age comic book writer, Gardner Fox generally handled female characters really well. Notably, during his run on the Golden Age Flash, he had Joan Garrick in on Jay's secret from the start, and he was also the writer responsible for ensuring that Barry Allen would, in turn, tell his wife Iris about his secret identity (by having Jay and Joan come visit Barry and tell him to stop keeping important secrets from his wife). He's also Iris' best Silver Age writer, insofar as he made her the most supportive and least nasty. So thank you, Gardner Fox, for being better at writing female characters than most of your contemporaries. (If you want to see the worst example of female characters in the Silver Age, check out Robert Kanigher's Wonder Woman. It's something else.)

Utilizing humor. This was especially noticeable during the Golden Age, where the Flash's adventures often resembled slapstick comedies, but Gardner Fox was also good at using lighthearted humor in the Silver Age (as highlighted by his particular affinity for the Trickster, whom he wrote four separate stories for).

Writing plots. Golden and Silver Age comics have a somewhat justified reputation for being wild, random, slapdash affairs, but, in spite of their light-hearted humor, Fox was actually good at writing solid plots. "The Flash of Two Worlds" is an all-time classic, and I've never read any story of his where it didn't feel like he was putting in effort to create an entertaining, internally consistent story.

Negatives

Honestly, besides being bound by the comic conventions of his time, Gardner Fox doesn't really have any noticeable weaknesses as a writer. The only thing I can think of that isn't something that basically applies to all Golden/Silver Age comic writers is the fact that he might have been a little too reliant on slapstick humor sometimes. That's how we got "The Real Origin of the Flash" (the story that attempted to give the Flash his own Mr. Mxyzptlk style character, but failed miserably) and some of the more tiresome Three Dimwits plots. But still, all in all, Fox did a really solid job on the title.

Robert Kanigher

Positives

Kanigher wrote Barry Allen's origin story, and created him, Iris, and I guess the Turtle Man (not the Turtle---he was created by Gardner Fox) as well. The lightning bot/chemicals origin is absolutely iconic, and may in fact be the best superhero story Kanigher ever wrote.

Before that, during the Golden Age, Kanigher also created Jay Garrick's foe the Fiddler.

Kanigher is....well...he's definitely got some original ideas. Totally nuts ideas, but original ones nevertheless. If you want the perfect example of Silver Age insanity, Kanigher is your man.

During the early Bronze Age, he managed to put out some well-meaning, if very awkward, stories that addressed social issues. They haven't aged well, but at least he tried. And to be fair, his female character do get slightly better in this time period as well.

Negatives

His female characters are painful to read. It's not as though this was something unique to him, but even by the standards of other Golden and Silver Age writers, he was pretty bad. Again, see his run on Wonder Woman for proof. More specifically as far as the Flash is concerned, he's the one who got the ball rolling on Mean Silver Age Iris.

With the exception of the origin story, where he seemed to catch lightning in a bottle, all of his Silver Age Flash storylines fall into one of two categories---they're either boring and generic, or they are completely bonkers, off-the-wall insane. Silver Age Flash is actually one of the more restrained Silver Age comics, so Kanigher's off-the-wall stories stick out like a sore thumb. For the best example of this, check out the first story in Flash #161, "The Case of the Curious Costume". And then, to maintain what's left of your sanity, check out the much better second story in the same issue, Gardner Fox's "The Mirror With 20/20 Vision". (I bet you can't guess who the villain in that story is.)

"Iris Allen is FROM THE FUTURE!!!!" Admittedly, there are several stories that came out of this reveal that I do like....but this revelation would end up tying the Flash Family tree in knots later on down the line. And it's also just an insane revelation in general, especially for the early Bronze Age.

John Broome

Positives

95% of the Flash's main villains. Captain Cold? Mr. Element/Dr. Alchemy? Mirror Master? Gorilla Grodd? Pied Piper? Weather Wizard? The Trickster? Captain Boomerang? The Top? Abra Kadabra? Professor Zoom the Reverse-Flash? Heat Wave? All of them were created by John Broome (alongside artist Carmine Infantino). All of them. And all between 1957 and 1963!

The Rogues. John Broome was also the first writer to have more than two of the Flash villains team up into an organized group. (Gardner Fox had had Captain Cold and Trickster team up in an earlier story, but Broome was the first writer to bring together the team that would eventually become the Rogues we know today). He was also the man who created the Rogues' tailor, Paul Gambi.

Developing Barry's supporting cast. Broome introduced Wally West as Kid Flash (and wrote his hilariously lackluster origin), his parents, Nora and Henry Allen, his childhood sweetheart and current movie star, Daphne Dean, Iris' absent-minded father, Ira West, and Dexter Myles, the ex-Shakespearean actor who would become the curator of the Flash Museum. He also introduced Ralph "The Elongated Man" Dibney and Ralph's wife Sue, who would go on to to get their own stories but who would remain long-time friends with Barry and Iris, and Rita, another friend of the couple's, who would marry a reformed Dr. Alchemy/Albert Desmond. (Broome wrote Albert's reformation story, and also introduced his friendship with Barry.)

Solid plotting. While Broome's stories are still full of wacky "science" and questionable character decisions, as all Silver Age stories tend to be, he was quite restrained by the standards of his era (compare Silver Age Superman comics to Silver Age Flash comics and the difference will be apparent immediately.) He actually writes very solid and entertaining stories most of the time, and "The Doorway to the Unknown" is one of the best Silver Age stories I've read, period.

Negatives:

The whole "Should I Tell My Wife I'm the Flash?" thing. The relationship between Barry and Iris is easily the weakest link in Broome's lengthy run on the Flash. Iris is often excessively mean to Barry (up until around the time when they get married and Broome thankfully has her mellow out), and Barry refuses to tell Iris that he's the Flash---even after he marries her! Granted, she finds out on their wedding night because he talks into his sleep....but still! He doesn't consciously tell her that he's the Flash until they've been married for a year! It's not always terrible---there are some comics where Broome writes them well together (especially after 1964 or so), but on the whole he kind of dropped the ball on their relationship. I would be harder on Broome for this if it wasn't for the fact that I know what was going on with Superman and Lois Lane in the Superman books (which Broome was not writing, so far as I know) at the same time. That relationship makes even the worst moments of Silver Age Barry and Iris' interactions look healthy.

Too many alien invasion plots. I know it was the Silver Age, and everybody was fighting aliens, but hoo boy did John Broome write a lot of stories where the Flash fought off generic, interchangeable aliens. They're not all terrible stories---a few are even pretty good---but having the Flash fight such generic foes gets quite tiresome when it happens about once ever six or seven issues.

Frank Robbins

Positives:

Uh...Flash #184, "Executioner of Central City", is an interesting enough story with some fun time-travel stuff.

Without "The Threat of the High-Rise Buildings", we never would have gotten the amazing lying Silver Age cover that is hippies beating up the Flash:

Negatives:

Flash #180-181. The Flash visits Japan. Incredibly painful stereotypes abound. And, on a less painful but still cringeworthy note, so does bad slang. Just skip it. You'll be much happier for it.

Flash #184 is his only good story for the Flash. Admittedly, he didn't write that many...but still.

Mike Friedrich

Fleshed out Barry's personality a little more. Namely, he established that Barry is afraid of roller coasters, and wrote a hilarious story where Barry plays every role in Hamlet at once after the rest of the cast gets sick (I'm partial to this one because I love Shakespeare).

Wrote a really solid Professor Zoom the Reverse-Flash story called "Time Times Three Equals----?", in which Sargon the Sorcerer tricks Eobard into thinking the Flash is dead for convoluted mystical reasons, and Eobard promptly takes off on a round-the-world and through-time crime spree. It's actually kind of awesome.

Negatives:

I can't think of anything off of the top of my head, other than the fact that his stories don't really stand out to me. With the exception of the Professor Zoom story, he didn't really get the chance to use any of the major Flash villains. So he's not bad, he just didn't write enough to really make an impact on me as a Flash writer.

Cary Bates

Positives:

Arguably the first true fan-writer. He grew up reading the Silver Age Flash, and he clearly loved and knew a lot about the characters. Fanboy writers don't always work out, but in this case, Bates' knowledge of the characters helped him write them really well, and flesh out most of the character well beyond what personalities they had had up to that point.

Wrote a very solid Barry/Iris marriage. They felt like a real couple, with real arguments and disagreements, but they also clearly loved each other and relied upon each other to get things done.

Used the supporting cast well. In addition to ensuring that Dexter Myles, Paul Gambi, Daphne Dean, and Barry's parents continued to make appearances, he also added many new supporting cast members, including Stacy Conwell, a college student who boarded with Barry and Iris for awhile, Barney Sands, Barry's 12-year-old neighbor who was just as big a fan of comics as Barry himself, Patty Spivot, Barry's fellow police scientist, Frank Curtis, an undercover detective who became friends with Barry, and, after Iris' death, Barry's neighbors Mack and Troy Nathan (Mack was a scientist at S.T.A.R. labs), Police Chief Darryl Frye, and Barry's almost-second wife, Fiona Webb. Bates did a really good job a creating a full supporting cast for Barry and Iris, and it helped make the world seem more inhabited.

Bringing back the Rogues. As Broome and Fox had retired, the Rogues had started being pushed to the wayside before Cary Bates brought them back into the spotlight---and then gave them some of their best stories ever. For a few of the Rogues, he's still the best writer they've ever had. Also, while the Rogues had technically become a team under Broome's pen, it was Bates who really solidified them as friends, rather than just the Flash's Secret Six. He had them have conventions together, attend funerals for each other, bail each other out of trouble, and fight the Flash together. They still operated independently sometimes (a fact most modern writers neglect to have them do), but they were now inextricably linked with one another in a way no other team of comic villains ever would be. I also really like the dynamic Bates' Barry has with the Rogues. It's this sort of bemused, mildly impressed frustration that's just great.

Introducing the Golden Glider. Cary Bates created what was, for the time, a downright terrifying villain in the Golden Glider, and, in doing so, subverted (probably inadvertently) a lot of the tropes that tend to accrue to female villains. She was meaner, smarter, and more ruthless than all of the male Rogues, and it's a bit of a refreshing change of pace to see a woman seeking revenge for the death of her boyfriend rather than the other way around. She was also one of the first Flash villains, and the very first Rogue, to uncover the Flash's secret identity. In spite of this, however, she was still quite feminine in a lot of ways, being very beautiful, quite flirtatious, and fond of jewelry. It's a unique combination of traits that you don't often see even today, and it's a bit sad that Cary Bates remains the best writer the character has ever had.

Creating other new villains. Besides the Golden Glider, Bates also created Rainbow Raider, whom I adore, the Clown, Colonel Computron, Clive Yorkin, and the Eradicator, the last two of whom are actually very effective and scary in their respective story arcs.

The Top is alive and well in Henry Allen! It's the best Top story ever written, and I love it.

Able to write both very serious and very humorous stories. Cary Bates was totally nuts sometimes, but he definitely had range in terms of tone, and could write humorous stories and very dark stories with equal effectiveness.

Negatives:

I'm honestly not sure whether this is really a negative or not, since I find the story to be kind of hilarious, but there is this one issue early in Cary Bates' run where he literally writes himself into the comic and has himself help the Flash defeat the Trickster. (We also learn from this issue that in the Bronze Age, Central City was located where Athens, Ohio is in the real world. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Cary Bates is an alumni from Ohio University in Athens.)

"Joe Scudder and Roscoe Neyle". Cary Bates was awful at remembering characters' names. He called Mirror Master both "Sam Scudder" and "Joe Scudder" in multiple separate issues, called the Top "Roscoe Neyle" once, called Patty Spivot "Pam Spivot" a few times, changed Albert Desmond's father's first name from Peter to either Herbert or Herman, called the Pied Piper's mom, Mrs. Rathaway, both "Rachel Rathaway" and "Hazel Rathaway" (within the span of like three panels!), combined the Pied Piper's real name (Hartley Rathaway) with his alias name (Henry Darrow) a few times, gave Barry's dad Henry a new first name at least once, and called the Reverse Flash "Eobard Thayne", "Eobard Thawnye", and "Professor Adrian Zoom". And there are probably more examples I can't remember. This is really only a minor gripe, and it is fun to play the "let's see whose name Bates messes up in this issue" game, but still...Bates forgot a ton of names.

A few too many supernatural shenanigans. Cary Bates was really interested in the paranormal when he was writing his run on the Flash, and while it often led to good stories (like the Top ghost story and the story that introduced Alvin Desmond), I feel like he still fell back on the paranormal a few too many times. The best example of this is the psychic girl, Melanie, who was in the "Death of Iris Allen" arc and just felt out-of-place in it, but it popped up a few other places as well.

Fiona Webb. Fiona Webb was introduced as the Flash's new love interest after Iris' death, and her story was basically one giant trauma conga line. She wasn't a terrible character (she wasn't annoying and seemed nice enough), but her relationship with Barry didn't get enough time to develop organically, and it felt like they got engaged far too quickly. Maybe it would have been better if they had continued dating for awhile, first, even if it meant delaying Eobard's dramatic attempt to murder Fiona at her wedding. I am, however, at least relieved that she ended the first Flash run fully recovered from her mental breakdown. It would've been pretty unpleasant if he'd just had her have a breakdown and then never spoken of her again.

Big Sir: While I'm glad the story goes out of its way to establish that he's a good person whose disability and mental problems don't make him evil (he has to be manipulated by the Rogues into fighting the Flash), this character was handled very poorly for the most part. He was also part of the broader...

Trial of the Flash Arc: There are a lot of good individual stories during this arc (the last four issues in particular are great), but as a whole, it just drags on for way too long. It's not entirely Cary Bates' fault, since he was in the middle of the arc when he found out that the book was getting cancelled, and his only two options were to end the arc as he had planned and try to wrap up the entire series with a truncated new storyline, or to drag out the trial plotline until the series ended. However, that doesn't change the fact that the trial quickly becomes the least interesting part of the actual Trial storyline, or the fact that this story lasted for something like a year and a half in real-world time---which I guess does make it the most accurate fictional representation of a trial in terms of the length of time it took to get to the trial. Aside from its length, however, the courtroom drama is both unrealistic and not especially exciting (the looming threat of the Flash going to prison for murder is exciting, but the legal drama is not, in part because the prosecution lawyer isn't very interesting). Also not helping things is the fact that by the time the Trial arc began, Cary Bates was editing himself. Thus, there was no one around to help steer him and the story in a less drawn-out direction. It's just a big, padded, drawn-out mess of a storyline---though I am thankful that it at least had a really solid, satisfying ending.

Mike Baron

Positives:

His first issue, where Wally runs a heart across the country to a patient who needs it for an operation, is excellent.

Baron writes a good Vandal Savage.

Wally is instantly memorable as a character. He's not necessarily likeable for most of Baron's run (more on that later), but he does at least stand out in your mind.

Introducing the Chunk (a living black hole who became Wally's friend) and Kilg%re (a living computer program). Both of them were fun characters.

Negatives:

Baron's Wally is a real jerk most of the time. He's overbearing, he's arrogant. he's obnoxious, and he's frankly kind of sexist at points. It makes him a little hard to read sometimes.

Wally's parents are humongous jerks. I actually don't mind the Wests being abusive parents (especially since we really didn't see that much of them Pre-Crisis, and we know that Wally has a lot of problems with Impostor Syndrome and depression), but they were very prominent in this run, and neither of them were likable---or scary/intimidating/cool---enough for you to want them to get as much page time as they did.

In fact, almost no one in Baron's run is particularly likable most of the time. It makes for an unpleasant read.

Wally having an affair with a married woman who's got to be at least ten years his senior is...uncomfortable. Mainly because I'm not sure that Baron thought this was a bad thing or not. Messner-Loebs writes it as a mistake on both characters' parts, but I don't know if Baron thought it was, too.

William Messner-Loebs:

Positives

Messner-Loebs made it clear that the reason Wally was acting like a jerk was because he was suffering from depression and impostor syndrome, not because he was shallow or selfish. He also dialed the sexism waaaay back (thankfully) and had Wally develop out of his jerk tendencies over time and learn to become a better hero.

Messner-Loebs also introduced a bunch of great supporting cast members for Wally. He brought back Joan Garrick, made frequent use of Chunk, reintroduced the Pied Piper as a reformed champion of the downtrodden, had Tina McGee and her husband reunite with one another and become friends with Wally, and introduced Mason Tollbridge, an old jack-of-all-trades who helped Wally out from time to time, and Connie Noleski, whom Wally dated for awhile. An at-the-time-reformed Captain Cold, Golden Glider, and Heat Wave rounded out the cast. Most importantly, though, he introduced Linda Park, a no-nonsense TV reporter who would help Wally grow up and who would eventually become his wife.

Flash #19. The whole thing. Wally partying with the Rogues (after the Trickster invites him to their party as a gag) is one of the best comics ever written. It's hilarious from start to end.

"No One Dies" is one of the greatest Flash stories ever. It's so good.

Tackling social issues well. Messner-Loebs' run is one of the few comics I've seen handle mental illness with any grace (his story about postpartum psychosis is really good, and Wally actually goes to therapy!), and his handling of homelessness and the importance of helping people in need is very well done. Messner-Loebs seems to have a lot of compassion, and it's very cool to see it represented in his stories.

Hope. In Loebs' run, people---and situations---get better.

Negatives:

Mary West makes a few too many appearances. I get that she's supposed to be obnoxious, but....she's really obnoxious. Also, the plot where she falls in love with and marries a secret agent was confusing.

After her first appearance in Flash #19, Messner-Loebs begins to write the Golden Glider as though she's bordering on "comic book crazy" (i.e., erratically violent and somewhat unstable). It's at least somewhat restrained under his pen, but it's setting the groundwork for later writers to write her very poorly.

This one isn't really Messner-Loebs' fault, but his run does get interrupted by unnecessary crossovers several times, which have a tendency to disrupt his storylines and are generally not particularly well-written (likely because he didn't really want to write them in the first place). It's especially notable because most of his run is relative quiet and domestic.

Mark Waid:

Positives

Mark Waid knows his stuff. He is a fanboy writer, and it shows in his delightful references to older Flash stories (The Life Story of the Flash is a particularly good showcase of this fact).

Waid writes an excellent Wally. Wally goes through a ton of character growth and development over the course of his run, and I love the snarky sense of humor he has.

Linda Park and Pied Piper are both handled very well by Waid---especially Linda.

Waid writes a very solid relationship between Wally and Linda. Like Iris and Barry under Bates' pen, they have realistic arguments and disagreements, but also clearly love and support one another.

Waid's use of the Speedsters as a team works very well. Wally, Jay, Max, Bart, Johnny Quick, and Jesse Quick all play off of one another well, and all of them are likable. The idea of a Speedster lineage that spreads across all of time is also cool.

The Speedforce. It's so important to the mythos that I can't not include it, even if a lot of later writers misused it.

Waid properly introduced the second Mirror Master, Evan McCulloch into the Flash comics, and in Flash vol. 2 #105, no less!

I appreciate that Waid brought Iris back to the present from the future, since that made it easier to use her in stories and let Wally talk to his aunt more regularly.

Many of the stories have very high stakes, so there's usually a lot of excitement during Waid's run.

"The Return of Barry Allen" storyline is excellent. I think it's one of the three best Wally stories (the other two being Flash vol. 2 #19 and "No One Dies", the story where Wally throws himself out of a plane to save a falling stewardess).

Waid writes my favorite Trickster (James Jesse). I love the reformation arc he gives him, and his mischievous nature is a delight. He also introduced Mindy Hong and James' son, Billy Hong, both of whom sadly only appeared once.

Waid's Kadabra is effective, cool, and scary----most of the time (more on this later).

Even though he was never properly utilized---and I'm not sure he ever could be, given how overpowered he is--I liked Tony Gambi (aka Replicant) a whole lot. The idea of Paul Gambi having a nephew whom the Rogues treat as a surrogate son is adorable.

Savitar was a very threatening villain, and the idea of a speedster cult leader was interesting. His design was ugly as sin, but he was Waid's best original villain.

Negatives:

Too much Kadabra. I like Waid's Kadabra, but he shows up as the main antagonist of big story arcs on at least three separate occasions.

Wally and Linda got separated from one another a lot. It was impressive when Wally escaped the Speed Force to save Linda the first time, but after the third or fourth time he escaped something similarly unescapable to save her, it did get a little repetitive.

Many lackluster antagonists. It really says something that both the soulless Zombie Rogues and the stupid brown-haired Chillblaines were more interesting as characters than a lot of the villains Wally fought during Mark Waid's run. Like Razer. Or the Alchemist. Or those alien guys. Or those other alien guys.

Having Kobra be the main antagonists for the storyline that included vol. 2's 100th issue also seemed a bit strange. Why not have Grodd or some other pre-established Flash villain be the antagonist for such an important milestone? Admittedly, this one is a bit of nitpick.

Waid doesn't seem to know how to write McCulloch. In Flash vol. 2 #105, he writes him as being very violent and grim, and in all his other stories, he writes him like he's Sam with an accent.

"Barry Allen had a SECRET EVIL TWIN!!!!" I would've loved this plot if it had been established in the Silver Age, and tolerated it if it was from the Bronze Age. But this plot twist was written in 1999, and it's accompanied with this weird sense of grimdark gravitas that just makes the whole thing impossible to take seriously. It also doesn't help that "Cobalt Blue" is a terrible villain name, or that Cobalt Blue's biggest achievement is being the ancestor of two guys---Eobard Thawne and Inertia---who are way better villains than he is.

Everything about how he handled Lisa. Waid really seemed to have no idea how to write the Golden Glider. First, he leaned hard into Messner-Loebs' take on her and made her completely comic-book crazy, and then he pointlessly killed her off to make the blonde-haired Chillblaine look scary for an issue before killing him off too. It was such a pointless waste of her character.

The Top. Weirdly enough, "Top possesses the body of a senator, becomes the running mate of a popular presidential candidate, and plots to use his position to eventually eliminate his running mate and become the President himself" sounds like an amazing Top story on paper....but in practice, Roscoe just feels off for the entire storyline. He doesn't really act like himself, and, as if that wasn't annoying enough, Wally and James both act like there's no way Roscoe could come back to life or be a threat. Even though he tried to blow up half the world, tried to blow up all of Central City, and once came back to life by possessing the body of Barry's dad. Why are they acting like he was a harmless joke?! Trickster worked with Top on a regular basis and was there when the Top posthumously revealed his "I'm going to blow up Central City" plan! They should not be so casual about this!

In fact, except for Trickster and Pied Piper, Waid didn't seem to know what to do with any of the Rogues. He killed them off in Underworld Unleashed, and, while he had the good grace to admit that was a bad idea and bring them back to life a year or so later, he still didn't seem to know what to do with them. For some reason, he was convinced that there was no way to write them seriously (even though he didn't have the same problem with Trickster or Kadabra).

I wasn't a fan of the way Waid discarded so much of Messner-Loebs' supporting cast. A lot of those characters were interesting, and it's a bit sad to just see most of them discarded in favor of the new cast of mostly speedsters (even though, as mentioned, I do like the speedsters).

Grant Morrison and Mark Millar---Obviously, they're two separate writers, but their year-long run was a team effort, so I'm talking about them together.

Positives:

Grant Morrison's "The Suit" and "The Human Race" are both totally bonkers, but in the best possible way. I'm particularly fond of how much "The Suit" feels like a Silver Age issue.

Similarly, the story about Jay Garrick is heartwarming and sweet. Morrison does a really good job writing Jay.

Morrison gets to write Evan McCulloch, which is always a delight. No other writer ever quite manages to capture the magic of Morrison's McCulloch and his perfect Glasgee burr.

The Black Flash is a really cool concept.

Negatives:

The Black Flash storyline, unfortunately, is kind of a confusing, disjointed mess. It's really hard to follow what's supposed to be happening.

The "Three of a Kind" storyline, which features Heat Wave, the Green Lantern villain Sonar, and some guy I've never heard of named Hatchet sinking a cruise ship and killing a bunch of people in an attempt to revive Dr. Polaris for some reason, is terrible. Mick is very out-of-character here. He's usually not nearly so violent. Even setting that aside....how and why did he start working with Sonar and Hatchet? He's never worked with them before. And why did they want to revive Dr. Polaris? I know they said they needed a leader, but why did it need to be him? Why not just go find Lex Luthor or somebody? I'm sure Lex Luthor wouldn't turn down three guys with high-tech guns. And joining him wouldn't have required them to sneak Dr. Polaris' comatose body onto a cruise ship and then forcibly take said ship to the Arctic Circle. Ugh, so many questions...

Geoff Johns

Positive:

Geoff Johns does a really good job of making the Twin Cities feel distinct from the rest of the DCU.

Geoff Johns also does a really good job writing the Rogues. He fleshes them out and gives several of them detailed backstories; he's also the one who created Captain Cold's Rules and the one who really brought the team back to prominence. He also really amped up Weather Wizard's powers.

Johns introduced a lot of cool new villains, including the new Trickster (Axel Walker), Captain Boomerang Jr. (Owen Mercer), Peek-a-Boo, Fallout, Double Down, Murmur, Girder, Plunder, Blacksmith, Tar Pit, and Cicada. I like some of these characters more than others, but all of them have a definite narrative purpose, none of them are completely boring, and they expand the Flash's villainous roster in a good way.

Officer Chyre and Detective Morillo are great supporting characters for Wally. I love their odd couple partnership.

It's cool to see Cyborg in the Twin Cities and helping Wally in the first half of the run.

Warden Wolfe and Iron Heights Penitentiary are good additions to the mythos. Wolfe is a great antagonist in that you really want to see him taken down a peg.

Wally and Linda's relationship continues to be solidly written.

I liked the way Geoff Johns established Hunter Zolomon as a supporting character, then gradually turned him into Zoom through a series of tragedies, mental problems, and bad choices. It made for a very effective---and scary ---antagonist.

Wally's twins are born (after an initial miscarriage). Jai and Irey are adorable and I love them.

The idea of Iris Allen raising Weather Wizard's baby son is adorable. In fact, Weather Wizard having a baby in general is a hilarious idea that a more comedically-inclined writer could have used to great effect. But instead....well...more on that later.

Wally continues his character development.

Negatives:

While I actually enjoy Johns' "Wonderland" arc, I also think it's weird and confusing in a lot of places, and it's doubly weird that he later retcons about a quarter of what he establishes here.

Johns' Magenta felt slightly off. Not so much so that she was totally out of character, but I've never felt like Johns quite had a grasp on what she's supposed to be like.

Pied Piper's trauma conga line was....a bit much. Granted, not all of his suffering was Johns' fault (Flash: the Fastest Man Alive and Countdown, I am looking at you), but it was still a lot, and it seemed almost like Johns wanted to break up his friendship with Wally by putting Piper through said conga line.

James Jesse...FBI agent. Another concept that sounds amazing on paper, but was executed very clumsily. The issue with FBI James isn't that he's with the FBI...it's that he suddenly starts acting like a self-serious bureaucrat for no apparent reason. And that he's dumb (and cold) enough to think that making a zombie Captain Boomerang via corpse desecration is a good way to defeat the Rogues. It just doesn't seem to mesh with what we know of James...and that's not even going into the retcons....

Backstory Retcons. Geoff Johns likes retcons. He really, really likes retcons. And he especially seems to like retcons that involve adding murder into the Rogues' early history for some reason. Like how Mark killed his brother (albeit by accident). And how Digger killed his stepdad at his mom's funeral. And how Sam Scudder apparently killed some random person during a burglary before he became the Mirror Master. And how the Top apparently killed more than eleven police officers during the Bronze Age. And how Mick Rory burned his family, another kid's family, and everyone in the circus he worked in alive in fires (this one's not technically a retcon, since strictly speaking it doesn't contradict anything that we already know, but it definitely doesn't mesh smoothly with Mick's origin as it was presented in the Bronze Age). And how Evan McCulloch shot his father (without realizing that it was his father), which caused his mother to commit suicide (again, not really a retcon, but included for completion's sake). Sometimes I worry about Johns....

Roscoe's Mind Control. And then there was the Mother of All Grimdark Retcons, in which we learned that Barry Allen had had the Top brainwashed into being a good guy, that the process had driven him insane, and that he had then attacked the other Rogues and tried to brainwash them into becoming good guys too. Wally has Zatanna lift Roscoe's brainwashing, which makes him sane again, and shortly thereafter he lifts his own brainwashing on James, Mick, and Piper (though Piper manages to stay good through Wally's help). All that character development Mick, Piper, and James have had? Forget that, it was all just Roscoe's mind control! Even though Roscoe never had mind-controlling powers before this story. And even though the way this timeline works, Roscoe would had to have been brainwashed, go crazy, brainwash his friends, commit ghost suicide by exiting his host body, somehow become sane and escape the influence of Zatanna's mind control, return to life by possessing the body of Senator Thomas O'Neil, almost become the president, get attacked by the soulless zombie Rogues, go crazy again, and then somehow fall back under the influence of Zatanna's mind control (because she can't have removed it if it was no longer there). That makes no sense. And that's not even going into the fact that, while you're looking at the timeline of events, only Mick actually reformed around the time that Roscoe possessed Barry's dad. All the other Rogues didn't even start flirting with reformation until after Barry was dead. It's one of those retcons that kind of makes sense on the surface, but makes less and less sense the more you think about it.

Posthumously Fridging the Golden Glider. I really love Captain Cold's spotlight issue. It's a great story for him. The problem is that Lisa's function in the story (the dead little sister he's sad about) is the only role Johns seems interested in having Lisa play. He thinks she's more important to be dead so Len can angst than alive to actually---y'know---be a character. Also, he seriously downplays her romance with the Top, as well as how fiery and mean she could be.

Everybody hates Roscoe, apparently. Johns doesn't much care for Roscoe. That's fine. Everyone has characters they don't like. The problem is that Johns deliberately writes the character to justify his dislike of him, and then has him killed off. Now, to be fair to Johns, Roscoe is indeed a jerk. The problem with Johns' Roscoe isn't that he's a villainous jerk----it's the fact that he's treated as uniquely separate from, and worse than, all the other Rogues. It's also implied that the Rogues never much liked him, but they all seemed to get along with him fine back in the Silver and Bronze Ages (with the apparent exception of Len, who was probably already bitter about Roscoe dating his sister---and even Len didn't hate him in the way that he does under Johns). Also, Roscoe really isn't that much nastier than Evan, or even Mark, and both of them are Rogues in apparent good standing. And, while I actually like the idea that Roscoe is something of an elitist and likes literature and classical music and fine wine, it's a bit odd for Johns to add that to the character, treat it like it was always a part of his character, and then have Len kill him for it. Basically, the issue isn't that he's a jerk....it's the fact that he's at odds with the other Rogues in a way that he never was shown to be before (the only exception was when he died and tried to blow up the city out of revenge/spite, and even then we saw them remembering him with some fondness after his death---toasting him, naming a anti-Flash device after him, etc.).

Needless grimdark deaths of important supporting characters. There are many examples, but the worst ones were, roughly in order of increasing horribleness, Blacksmith shoving a painting into Rainbow Raider's chest and killing him, the whole Captain Boomerang subplot of Blackest Night: the Flash, and having Inertia kill Weather Wizard's infant son.

In speaking of the horrible Blackest Night Captain Boomerang subplot....having Owen suddenly decide that he's A-OK with killing women and small children and feeding them to his zombie dad (I just realized that Johns wrote two different plots featuring a zombie Digger. That's a bit weird). Prior to this point, he had pretty much become one of the good guys, so this sudden shift into horrible evil just came out of nowhere and made no sense.

Captain Cold: Spotlight Thief. So, Geoff Johns really, really, really likes Len, and he writes him well (for the most part). The problem is, this means that he has a bad habit of focusing on Cold at the expense of the other Rogues, and that he sometimes writes Cold as though he's the only Rogue capable of being intelligent or competent (Flash: Blackest Night is probably the worst in this regard, but it shows up elsewhere in his comics too). It gets a little frustrating after awhile, no matter how great Johns' Len is. Worse, this habit of Johns of writing Len as the most important Rogue would eventually lead to other writers focusing on Len even more, and to them treating the other Rogues like they're Len's henchmen instead of his teammates. It's all very frustrating.

[marta-bee]

Let’s talk about good and evil, Good Omens-style. 

Pressing on with reading the book, I’m maybe two-thirds or three-quarters through the first chapter. Still not through! But War has made her first appearance, Aziraphale and Crowley are finally sobered p and decided to be god-parents, and I think I’m ready for another mental break. It’s hilarious. It’s harrowing. I am marveling at the sheer genius of the writing. And feeling for Aziraphale being stuck in his own goodness. He’s a cheeky bastard what with the bible-proof pages and all, but still so hemmed in by what he’s defined himself to be. 

Mostly I think I need to take a break, because there’s some really interesting philosophy going on here and I need to unpack it a bit to really feel his weight. 

Last week I’d stopped with Crowley and the Spanish Inquisition. Still feeling the *oomph* of that passage; but this week starts out with its flip-side, which had such an aura of hope to it, for me.

And just when you'd think they were more malignant than ever Hell could be, they could occasionally show more grace than Heaven ever dreamed of. Often the same individual was involved. It was this free-will thing, of course. It was a bugger.

That’s one of my favorite things about humanity, how we’re capable of what my human-bound sense of morality connects with goodness. We’re both. We’re potential. And I think for Crowley, that potential is almost more important than what we potentialize into. Maybe it’s that humans have creativity and a spark that lets them do things stolid heaven and decrepit hell just can’t conceive of. But there’s something very attractive to Crowley about this ability change, to make a choice and not just do or be what they’re predestined to do or be, that’s very attractive to Crowley. If anything connects to what I think of as morality in this world, I think that ability for growth is it. A capacity to surprise and spersede your programming, for lack of a better term.

There’s actually a really delightful exchange I’d forgotten about, on the concept of free will, leading up to that snippet I quoted earlier:

Aziraphale had tried to explain it to him once. The whole point, he'd said-this was somewhere around 1020, when they'd first reached their little Arrangement-the whole point was that when a human was good or bad it was because they wanted to be. Whereas people like Crowley and, of course, himself, were set in their ways right from the start. People couldn't become truly holy, he said, unless they also had the opportunity to be definitively wicked.

Crowley had thought about this for some time and, around 1023, had said, Hang on, that only works, right, if you start everyone off equal, okay? You can't start someone off in a muddy shack in the middle of a war zone and expect them to do as well as someone born in a castle.

Ah, Aziraphale had said, that's the good bit. The lower you start, the more opportunities you have. Crowley had said, That's lunatic.

No, said Aziraphale, it's ineffable.

Aziraphale. The Enemy, of course. But an enemy for six thousand years now, which made him a sort of friend.

Crowley reached down and picked up the car phone.

Being a demon, of course, was supposed to mean you had no free will. But you couldn't hang around humans for very long without learning a thing or two.

Angels and demons can’t change; except of course they can. That’s the whole point of Satan, as Crowley points out later:

"What will happen to the child if it doesn't get a Satanic upbringing, though?" said Aziraphale. "Probably nothing. It'll never know."

"But genetics-"

"Don't tell me from genetics. What've they got to do with it?" said Crowley. "Look at Satan. Created as an angel, grows up to be the Great Adversary. Hey, if you're going to go on about genetics, you might as well say the kid will grow up to be an angel. After all, his father was really big in Heaven in the old days. Saying he'll grow up to be a demon just because his dad became one is like saying a mouse with its tail cut off will give birth to tailless mice. No. Upbringing is everything. Take it from me."

"And without unopposed Satanic influences – "

"Well, at worst Hell will have to start all over again. And the Earth gets at least another eleven years. That's got to be worth something, hasn't it?"

Now Aziraphale was looking thoughtful again.

"You're saying the child isn't evil of itself?" he said slowly.

"Potentially evil. Potentially good, too, I suppose. Just this huge powerful potentiality, waiting to be shaped," said Crowley. He shrugged. "Anyway, why're we talking about this good and evil? They're just names for sides. We know that."

"I suppose it's got to be worth a try," said the angel.

Satan can change. Satan did change. And Crowley, too, in the first passage; he decided to make a choice when that’s supposed to be very much a human thing. Even Aziraphale shows a real capacity to, not change his mind perhaps, but let himself be swayed, certainly That whole conversation between Aziraphale and Crowley over what to do about the antichrist reeks of motivated reasoning on his part.

"That's it, then," said Crowley, with a gleam of triumph. He knew Aziraphale's weak spot all right. "No more compact discs. No more Albert Hall. No more Proms. No more Glyndbourne. Just celestial harmonies all day long."

"Ineffable," Aziraphale murmured.

"Like eggs without salt, you said. Which reminds me. No salt, no eggs. No gravlax with dill sauce. No fascinating little restaurants where they know you. No Daily Telegraph crossword. No small antique shops. No bookshops, either. No interesting old editions. No" – Crowley scraped the bottom of Aziraphale's barrel of interests-"Regency silver snuffboxes . . . "

"But after we win life will be better!" croaked the angel.

"But it won't be as interesting. Look, you know I'm right. You'd be as happy with a harp as I'd be with a pitchfork."

He’s supposed to want good. He’s with heaven, that’s the definition of being heaven-aligned, to want good; and taking better as a synonym... yeah, probably if the win the Apocalypse (which they probably would), life would be more good. And that thought makes Aziraphale desperate; he’s croaking the words there, see? He’s torn between what he’s supposed to want and what he actually wants, and it’s all coming to a head. 

Then Crowley said it won’t be as interesting, something else entirely, from the heaven- or hell-aligned, and that’s when he starts to crack. It’s a rebellion, or at least a falling (sauntering vaguely downward, if you prefer); because he’s choosing something here too outside what he’s supposed to be working toward: not better, but more interesting. And thank Someone for that.

Let’s go back to that first exchange, though, where Aziraphale and Crowley are discussing free will. Because Crowley makes a really interesting point, both narratively and in terms of real-world philosophy.

Hang on, that only works, right, if you start everyone off equal, okay? You can't start someone off in a muddy shack in the middle of a war zone and expect them to do as well as someone born in a castle.

Ah, Aziraphale had said, that's the good bit. The lower you start, the more opportunities you have. Crowley had said, That's lunatic.

Aziraphale’s line is one I heard often enough from the Protestant-Christian side of my upbringing. Blessed are those who suffer for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. And Crowley’s right: it’s nonsense to think people who are fighting all day every day to survive will ever be able to do as well at this free choice sanctification scheme as people who have the luxury of a bit of breathing space. Free will, for one thing, is meaningless if you don’t actually have two options to choose from; and the space (mental and otherwise) to actually make a decision.

Personally this isn’t the interpretation of Christianity I’ve found most useful, or consistent with the way I read the (Christian) Bible. It’s not that suffering gives you more opportunities for growth; there’s a sense of to-whom-much-has-been-given-much-will-be-expected shot through so many of Christ’s parables (the Five Talents, for instance), and of course there’s the line that it’s easier for a rich man to pass through the Eye of the Needle than to get into heaven; if you know your Biblical archaeology, that’s essentially saying you have to be stripped free of your baggage, which is the one thing rich people won’t be able to do.

Put another way: those who suffer, those who are poor and week, are blessed not because their suffering lets them achieve more heaven-points, but because they don’t need them precisely because they’re small. Whereas those given more resources, more is expected of them. I don’t think Crowley would approve of that kind of valorizing of smallness, but intellectually at least it makes more sense than what Crowley’s been twisted to think is correct.

I’m more a fan of the Aristotelian approach, myself. There are virtues that ought to motivate actions, but at the same time it’s all tied up in what’s possible for an individual. So a person who’s, say, OCD and deals with excessive anxiety might show more genuine courage in crossing the street than someone without that psychology would need to run into a burning building. Of course there’s certain maladies that make it impossible to exercise true virtue and we should feel pity for those people even if we don’t think of them as virtuous. But at least within certain limits, courage isn’t just about doing the most extreme thing, even necessarily what the situation demands, because courage is being guided by fear in the right way so we behave courageously; and if you’ve got more fear to navigate you need better courage than most to do the navigating.

That’s a much better way of thinking about things to me. Afflicted people aren’t better than those with a better starting out point because they get more heaven-points (whatever form that takes) or reach some better external state than people with a more favorable starting point; it’s that to even get to the same result as other people, they need more oomph, more grace, more whatever, because of all they’re pushing back against. It’s not fair, but it seems at least a more generous interpretation of the reality we’re all trying to struggle through.

Getting back to the book, though, I find it really interesting that Aziraphale and Crowley think of good and evil in these terms. It’s a sign of the headspace Heaven and Hell drive them toward, I think; to the point Crowley says they’re just labels for our side, those words don’t actually mean anything. 

But he’s still shaken by Barcelona. He’s still begging with Aziraphale- test them, sure, but not to destruction. He doesn’t want humanity to be ended, and it’s not for the more self-centered reasons that drive Aziraphale here, those lovely little bits of life on earth he finds so enjoyable. There’s a sense that he shouldn’t allow that to happen. There’s a should, an ought, a moral imperative still, even for a demon who’s been trying to tempt humanity toward his side for six millennia here. And while I don’t want to indulge on simple moralizing, there’s something at his core that won’t let him just let history do its thing. It may not neatly align with what heaven or hell is pointing for, that’s really the point, but there’s still an ought in play that’s somehow independent of all that.

Frankly, I find all that fascinating, not to mention a damned compelling narrative.

And War’s up next, I see. I need a readerly break, but when I get back, I think things are about to get fun.

[canmom]

on D&D

there have been many a Posten floating across my slice through the tumblr database of late on the flaws of Dungeons & Dragons. this is an old, old argument - pushed by the White Wolf fans before my time, raised to a furious pitch by the Forge movement (Ron Edwards infamously declared that D&D players have brain damage), and continuing to simmer as the Forge gave way to 'Story Games', and then ebbing a bit with whatever that movement have way to. i don't even especially disagree - most of the good times I've had with D&D have been more despite the printed rulebooks than because of them.

however, it's worth considering what D&D actually is.

"D&D" should not be confused with the books released by Wizards of the Coast or TSR. Nor even the other books in the D&D family in the OSR, Pathfinder, etc. these are an important part of it to be sure, and WotC would certainly like us to think that it all flows out of the books.

however, I think 'buying a D&D book without any expectations, reading it cover, and attempting to run the game as described in the book' represents probably a tiny fraction of D&D players. any more than you could discern the practices of a religion by reading their holy book.

D&D, as actually practiced, is something like that - a set of practices or sorta oral tradition. you learn what D&D is when someone invites you to a D&D group, or you listen to an 'actual play' podcast, or - like me! - you fall into forums and read libraries worth of arguments about which edition is best and game balance and funny game table anecdotes, which create a picture in your head of idealised D&D, and then off you go and try and get your friends on board. you use the books primarily as a reference. (or nowadays you go on 5e.tools instead and don't buy expensive books).

the thing is, this tradition is really good at perpetuating itself and it's as endless and weird to dig into as any long running media franchise. and because a lot of it is an echo of weird 70s shit that comes from, say, an off-brand tokusatsu figurine from Hong Kong, or an author like Jack Vance whose legacy has been kinda swallowed by D&D, there's real character. yeah, there's plenty of tedious wank too, but the density of it means it can serve the 'creative prompt engine' function of an RPG in a way that's very difficult for a smaller, more tightly focused, and tbh less stupid game to be able to do.

it's also got a huge body of folklore to immerse in. the Dread Gazebo. Tucker's Kobolds. Pun-Pun. and it's fractal. a D&D forum, a podcast fanbase, etc. will end up with their own niche injokes. (of course, so will an individual group). there's endless lore to learn about the game's own history if you're that way inclined.

now you might say, most of that doesn't depend on it being D&D, the janky system outlined in the books of WotC. and that's true! there's no reason (beyond copyright) you couldn't confront a Bulette in Burning Wheel, play a Mind Flayer in Fiasco, or even set a game of Apocalypse World in Dark Sun.

this is where one of the quiet strengths of D&D-the-product does come in though. the role of the book is mostly to lend a certain sense of concreteness. it's a rhetorical trick: if you can turn to a page of the Monster Manual and see a mindflayer with a statblock, an artwork and a couple of unique abilities, then mindflayers feel more 'real'. factor in the existence of decades of history, splatbooks expanding on the concept, articles in Dragon, modules, stories about other groups who've encountered a mindflayer, and you feel like you know something. nevermind that most of the mindflayer lore is kind of eh at best! D&D is a machine that rewards your autism, hard.

and in terms of actual game design, there are some things that D&D is very granular about, like what your character can and can't do. D&D certainly is an unbalanced grab bag of not-exactly-integrated systems with no unifying design philosophy... and that's largely to its advantage in terms of making the stuff on your character sheet feel concrete, rather than ephemeral like the freely chosen Aspects in FATE. by making the map more complicated, the supposed territory it describes (the shared fiction) might be made to feel more substantial. it's not the only way to do this, mind you - you can absolutely make something a strongly impactful, constraining part of the shared fiction without numbers and dice. but the numbers and dice provide a scaffolding, a thing to lean on when you draw a blank.

(D&D arrived at this more or less by accident mind you. you could definitely say that something like the Moves of a PbtA game are a more coherent and flexible framework for system and fiction engaging without sacrificing substance. and there's plenty of trad games besides D&D which follow the same paradigm, not least because splatbooks are good business. still, I think there is something gained by what seems at a glance to just be an unholy mess of jank).

for a new game, it can't work in the same way. it's a chicken and egg problem. if nobody's ever played your game before, you can't so easily introduce it by doing. (sure you can run it for friends, but you can't rely on most people being introduced to the game that way). there may be a small or even large community of people for any given game, or maybe fans of types of game, but you have to mostly rely on the book to build up the concept in the player's mind.

one of the most useful tools you have is genre, but that's a double edged sword. there are many games that are just 'PbtA for cyberpunk' or whatever, instantly forgettable. again, that's a tricky bootstrapping problem. somehow, a game book needs to get players enthusiastic about the premise using the familiar, introduce them to the unique quirks that make it interesting, and put them in a mindset where they're ready to extemporise in whatever idiom the game suggests. tall order!

the voice of Apocalypse World - the rulebook - is very casual, quite aggressive. 'to do it, do it', not 'when its condition is met in the fiction, the Move is triggered' as a later PbtA might put it. it swears a lot. the voice of a Jenna Moran game is full of little asides and wordplay. the voice of an Avery Alder game is exhaustingly sanctimonious, which has unfortunately spread to other authors. this aspect, the feeling you get reading it describe the stuff it wants you to do, is way more important in telling you about the game than the short story you skip over at the beginning of the book, or even any particular mechanical procedure.

the voice of modern D&D is... honestly in its current edition, painfully corporate and dull. nothing puts me off playing D&D faster than reading the class introductions! but where it has the most character unique sort of slightly arch 'game prose', kind of like an encyclopedia entry with dice rolls in the middle of a sentence. it's unabashedly nerdy, comfortingly so. this is why long lists of almost identical polearms are actually valuable. games need to have something weird and jank and inexplicable for your brain to hold on to.

however... that mass is also a weakness. because all that concrete stuff that you can lean on to flesh out and inspire your imaginings... is also a lot to digest for a potential new player. (this is a reason why I've found it hard to get into games like Shadowrun and Eclipse Phase, lacking a clear on-ramp, and my ideas clashing unpredictably with established stuff.)

compared to games with a hyper-defined setting, and games that create it all improvisationally in the first session, D&D's modular framework is actually pretty ingenious. if every campaign takes place in its own mini setting designed by the DM, there's huge libraries of stuff that could be there, so you can get that 'I recognised that' knowledge, but there's no need to digest a campaign setting or worry about lore conflicts. you can be ~intertextual~ with other D&D games - "oh yeah, my DM used that!" - without all the commitments of an official setting. (of course, D&D has plenty of those too, and many of them are pretty neat. but it's agnostic about whether you use them.) this also gives you a starting point for making your own setting. "here's a thing that's expected to be there. what's your spin on this?" is a really productive question, if the things are minimally interesting.

so being a DM is kind of a bridge between "run it by the book" and "make your own game". you have a lot of freedom, and you have fallbacks to lean on. that's actually pretty good I think.

the DM role is... you could spin it different ways. on the one hand, it gives one player vastly more work than the others, turning them into a mini game designer + master of ceremonies + multirole actor + narrative author + typically, organiser; the one who's responsible for carrying the whole thing. on the other hand... that's a stage. if you are lucky enough to play with a really good DM, the whole thing really does come alive in a way that a book, no matter how elegant or flavourful, could never convey - because it's responsive to you and you get a rapport going. of course by the same token an unengaged, unenthusiastic DM can't be saved by any procedures or rules you could imagine. in that middle ground... that's where tools like Apocalypse World's MC moves come in to help. for D&D, 'how to DM well' is in my experience communicated almost exclusively through stories and imitation - you could never learn it from the DMG.

viewed as a practice or a ritual, D&D likes to mysticise the DM, like the mad wizard who built the moldering pile etc etc. you have the pageantry of the DM's screen, hidden dice rolls, passed notes, asking for perception checks without explanation. if you play in to it (you should, it's part of the fun), you get to lean on the established image of the Dungeon Master, not just someone in a room telling a story. oh wait, is that actual magic?

incidentally, I never really ran Apocalypse World strictly 'by the book'. I was aware of the list of principles and vaguely remembered the moves, but equally, perhaps more so, I was thinking of the idea of an Apocalypse World MC suggested in discussions online. I was also of course leaning on previous experience playing D&D and other games. it worked well, better the second time when I was older, because it's like 75% about being genuinely enthusiastic and paying attention to people when you get right down to it.

all this is why it's hard to replace D&D with a suite of modern, elegant purpose built systems. most of what happens at a TTRPG table, with any 'system', is not determined by what's written in the book but some fuzzy social dynamic in a given group of people and their shared idea of what the game is supposed to be. you can try and introduce rules and procedures into that dynamic, even create a game like Firebrands where nearly every step comes from a prompt list. (the question of how much the explicit mechanics should touch social interactions and narrative structure is a matter of taste). it can be helpful, but you can also risk stifling something important that comes in improv.

viewing the broad space of indie RPGs as its own tradition, like D&D... 'indie RPGs' has its own content, a shared context of frequent ttrpg players, the type like me who are likely to try a new system every campaign. the more games you play, the more analogies you can draw and the quicker you can pick up the gist of a new game. you'll have cross-game skills in e.g. improv or breaking down systems, and an established habitus in terms of stepping into character or playing a GM-like role that can't be written in a book. if you've only ever played D&D, or no TTRPGs at all, you'll have some of that, but a lot will be unfamiliar and the benefit won't necessarily be obvious.

I do think getting into the broader space of TTRPGs is worthwhile, because... ok this is going to sound pretentious as hell but seriously, it's a ridiculously interesting art form, both the designing and the playing of them. but also that's given me a perspective to look back and say, oh, that's what D&D was all along!

what would kill D&D, WotC edition? hard to imagine. there have been splinters, like the OSR for people who like simple mechanics, high lethality and the flavour associated with older editions, or Pathfinder for people who... idk, who really like 3.5 I guess and just wanted a few balance tweaks, idk, did it diverge more? it's definitely just D&D in a funny hat though. oh and there's Dungeon World but lol, Dungeon World.

D&D-the-product-line has come close to collapsing a couple of times, once when TSR went under, again when 4e divided the 3.5e fanbase hard, but 5e being a 'pretty solid for the most part' game that managed to somehow appeal to multiple ideas of 'what D&D is', along the Actual Play renaissance selling a new generation on the idea of D&D... that saved it. maybe it's about to take another hit with this new OGL killing the secondary industry.

I don't think that most of the D&D groups out there, in it for the idea of D&D, would be playing other TTRPGs if only D&D was not so big. likely they wouldn't be doing any such thing at all, but some other dorky hobby. if WotC-run D&D goes under, I'm not sure what happens! D&D-the-practice would continue no doubt, and maybe it starts looking like the OSR, with numerous variations on a theme that don't carry the stamp of 'officialness', until one or another can become an unofficial standard. maybe it looks like open source software and some kind of nonprofit D&D foundation is created to control the source lol. would be interesting to see.

aaaaanyway. if you want your fave non-D&D TTRPGs to thrive as D&D has, here's what you gotta do. talk about them. tell anecdotes from your games, the stupid memes and injokes, what you really like about the mechanics, tell everyone about the weird fun fucked up bits of the lore. tell a story about what it means to play that game. and sure, talk about how it's different from D&D and why you like it more. that story is the bait that will get people onto that fun new RPG system and give them a handle to get started. what got me into 'Story Games' all those years ago was finding a forum with a whole bunch of people having fascinating nerdy discussions about sides of TTRPGs I'd never been exposed to in D&D.

[of course me being me, I took it way too seriously and made a whole thing in my head about how much better these new, progressive Story Games were better than janky old incoherent Trad Games. for years I wouldn't even consider playing D&D or similar. all I can say is, I'm really glad I got over that attitude. hence this kind of post.]

[billconrad]

The Problem with Dialog

    The term dialog describes the conversation between one or more characters in writing. It ranges from the most important part of the book to being completely absent. Why and when is it necessary? That depends on the writing and story style. In my books, I use dialog to convey emotions and round out the characters, but other authors use it to convey information between characters or during a social interaction.

    How do I create dialog? I imagine myself speaking and sometimes verbalizing the words to get in the mood. I find this an easy and natural process, but there is a big problem. To explain the issue, this is what I said to my wife this morning. (I was not awake.)

     “Umm, hey. After work, I’m going to get… Mmm, go to the store after work. I need to buy… We’re out of soda because I think I drank the last can. You need some stuff? Mmm, from the store.”

    Well, not A+ writing, but you know what I am trying to ask. What should I have said? “I am going to the store after work to buy soda. Do you need anything?” True, but that is not what I said.

    People’s speech is loaded with all kinds of grammar boo-boos. Run-on sentences? Fragments? Dangling modifiers? Wrong words? Pause words? Pronoun disagreement? Improper sentence structure? Bring it!

    And then there is slang. I grew up in California and was bathed in local words. “Surf’s up” “Excellent” “Dude” “Gnarly” “Bummer” “Chill” “Wipe-out” “Bro” “No biggie” “Radical” “Bail” “SoCal” America has its own superset. “Cool” “Couch potato” “Come again?” “Hit it out of the park” “Home run” “Touchdown” “Woke” “Politically correct” “Cringe” “Legit” “Airhead” Plus world-wide slang and regional slang from other English-speaking countries. To make matters worse, slang is evolving, growing, and shrinking faster than dictionaries can be updated.

    Actual dialog is an absolute mess, and it is a wonder that we understand each other. Yet, the Chicago Manual of Style and my grade school teachers have other ideas. Please eliminate that poorly structured mess and replace it with proper English. There is the battle.

    I try to keep my dialog realistic by adding as much junk as possible. This includes slang, pause words, incoherent thoughts, side tangents, and bad grammar.

    Plus, mistakes! People are not perfect, and their natural speech contains errors. In fact, readers expect imperfection. This might include incorrect logic, forgetting details, miscommunication, or even an intentional lie. The result trips up readers. A good example is a mistake I inserted into the dialog of my second book. At the beginning of the story, the two main characters are in a tense situation, and he forgets her name. We forget all kinds of stuff in real life; this kind of mistake adds to realism. Yet, I had to be mindful of my readers, so she called him out about the error.

    My rule is, “If it mostly reads right, go with it.” Well, that is all nice until I try to slip something past a sharp-eyed reader or the dreaded grammar monger. This reader class hates improper sentence structure, slang, pause, and junk words. Satisfying this crowd while trying to make a good book is quite challenging.

    Plus, an author must consider the type of character who is speaking: A high school principal who is upset with a student. The mean biker ordering a drink. Street-smart kid convincing their friends they are tough. A rancher with a Texas accent. All their slang, style, and word choices will be different.

    The hard part is deciding what to clean up and what to leave as raw. Well, are there guides? There are, but they only advise, “Do your best.”

    The editing process feels like an uneasy truce between two warring factions. No matter what choices I make, words are going to die. It has been a long, evolving process. Looking back at the first draft of my first book, the dialog was far too sloppy. The edited result read stiff and unrealistic. My latest book contains an uneasy balance. I keep thinking, “How would they say this?” Arrg. I can only close my eyes and move on to the next sentence.

    You’re the best -Bill

    December 25, 2024

    Hey, book lovers, I published four. Please check them out:

   Interviewing Immortality. A dramatic first-person psychological thriller that weaves a tale of intrigue, suspense, and self-confrontation.

    Pushed to the Edge of Survival. A drama, romance, and science fiction story about two unlikely people surviving a shipwreck and living with the consequences.

    Cable Ties. A slow-burn political thriller that reflects the realities of modern intelligence, law enforcement, department cooperation, and international politics.

    Saving Immortality. Continuing in the first-person psychological thriller genre, James Kimble searches for his former captor to answer his life’s questions.

    These books are available in softcover on Amazon and in eBook format everywhere.

[flying-health]

A Brighter Outlook: My Experience with Amiclear Supplements

I've always been a health-conscious individual, but lately, I felt a bit sluggish. Foggy mornings, afternoon slumps, and a general lack of energy were becoming the norm. I wasn't getting enough sleep, but even after a good night's rest, I still felt drained. Determined to find a natural solution, I stumbled upon Amiclear supplements online.

Natural Ingredients for Overall Wellbeing

What initially drew me to Amiclear was their focus on natural ingredients. The formula boasts a blend of vitamins, minerals, and herbs known to support overall well-being. It includes things like Vitamin B12 for energy production, Ashwagandha for stress management, and Turmeric for its anti-inflammatory properties. Knowing exactly what I was putting into my body was important to me, and Amiclear's transparency gave me peace of mind.

Easy to Swallow and Fuss-Free Routine

Let's be honest, sometimes taking supplements can feel like a chore. Amiclear comes in convenient capsule form, making them incredibly easy to swallow. The recommended dosage is just two capsules a day, which fit seamlessly into my morning routine. There's no need for messy powders or multiple pills throughout the day, which is a big plus in my book.

A Gradual But Noticeable Improvement

I didn't expect overnight results, but after a couple of weeks of taking Amiclear consistently, I started noticing a difference. The morning fogginess began to lift, and I found myself waking up feeling more refreshed. My energy levels throughout the day improved significantly. That afternoon slump became a distant memory, and I had the stamina to tackle my daily tasks with renewed enthusiasm.

More Than Just Energy - A Holistic Boost

The positive effects of Amiclear went beyond just increased energy. My overall mood seemed brighter, and I felt a general sense of well-being. I found myself handling stressful situations more calmly and sleeping more soundly at night. It's hard to pinpoint exactly which ingredient was responsible, but the combination in Amiclear certainly seemed to be working its magic.

A Long-Term Solution for Optimal Health

After a few months of taking Amiclear, I can confidently say that it's become an essential part of my daily health routine. It's a natural and convenient way to support my overall well-being and keep my energy levels up. While everyone's body reacts differently, for me, Amiclear has been a game-changer.

If you're looking for a natural supplement to combat fatigue, manage stress, and promote overall health, then I highly recommend giving Amiclear a try. Remember, consistency is key, so stick with it and see how it can benefit your own well-being.

[darthnaderer]

Gross and Ghastly: Human Body by Kev Payne

Category: Informational

Summary: In this informational book written and illustrated by Kev Payne, children (and adults!) can learn all sorts of fun, whacky, and gross facts about the human body and how it works. With 53 "chapters" (each is essentially a two-page spread with fun facts about each topic) as well as several pages of activities, an answer key, and an index, this book is perfect for students wondering why and how certain body parts work the way they do. Ghastly and Gross: Human Body doesn't just inform, it entertains. Each page has several fun illustrations that help reinforce the material being discussed, and information is presented in several small paragraphs scattered across the pages in their own sections.

Justification: Some students absolutely love learning about gross facts, so this book is a great way to not only give them the fun "ick" factor they're looking for but also to sneakily teach them some good information about human anatomy and how the human body works. You can bet every adult in the reader's life will learn far more about poop than they ever thought they needed to know (for example: Why do some poops float? What do the different colors mean? Why can I see corn in it?). Published by DK, which is well-known for its visually appealing education materials, the copy I borrowed from my local library was clearly well-loved and often read. This a wonderful option to get reluctant readers to check out a book since it doesn't have to be read in any particular order. In fact, the table of contents makes it very easy for students to figure out which facts they want to look up or which pages they might want to skip.

Evaluation:

Precise Vocabulary - Payne uses common words and writes at a lower Lexile level so that students will know exactly what he is talking about (ex: using "poop" and "pee" instead of bowel movement or urine). He does a good job explaining what each part of the body is and does in a way that students will easily comprehend. His use of ordinary language rather than medical terms makes the text accessible to his target demographic (grades 1-4). It's obvious he put some thought into his word choices; the book is highly educational while remaining giggle-worthy.

Illustrations Reinforce the Written Text - Every page of this book is colorfully illustrated with simple, bright cartoons that clearly depict the chapter's topic. The images are not graphic or overly detailed, which is good considering the subject matter. The text is even incorporated into illustrations at times, such as when he gives an explanation about what causes farts to stink inside an illustration of a "fart bubble" (similar to a "speech bubble" but next to a baby's diaper instead of a mouth).

Composition - Payne maintains a balance of unity and variety in his book, creating illustrations that make a visual pattern throughout the pages. Readers can expect to see illustrations of children in a simple, cartoon-like fashion on each page as well as something "gross." Incorporating text into blurbs (each chapter has about 4-5 paragraphs scattered throughout it) and moving them around the chapter's spread makes it an engaging book that is easy to pick up and put down. Because the chapters can be read in any order, it's important the book has illustrations that are similar enough to unite all the content into a cohesive unit; otherwise, it would look disjointed. However, it's equally important that each chapter features unique illustrations that make it distinct from the others. Payne makes each page look well-balanced between the text and illustrations.

Payne, K. (2021). Gross and ghastly: Human body (K. Payne, Illus.). DK Publishing.

[a-weird-cryptid]

Hey uh. As a system who read Elle(s). Please don't advertise as a comic about a girl with DID. That's not what she has. You can say it can be interpreted as DID but it is not about DID

SPOILERS FOR ISSUE 2

it's revealed that she was in the womb with 5 other embryos. And that they merged into her. That's not how DID works. As a system that sought out this comic after seeing this post, I did feel like it was a bit of a slap in the face. It's not your fault the comic falls into some actual misinformation but I feel like it was never meant to be about did

I think issue 1 leans into the DID coding a lot and I was very excited for issue 2. I think it's very DID coded but stating that its explicitly about DID is a bit inaccurate

Thanks for the criticism!

(Don't worry, I'll leave my comment spoiler free. But if you want to know what it's referring to, I'd recommend reading the spoiler section to the comment I'm reacting to, to get a basic idea.)

Again, I'm only half way through the first volume and I sadly didn't know that that's revealed in the second book. I can't tell my own opinion on it, because of the same reason, but I most likely will when I get there.

I wasn't intending to advertise Elles and I'm sorry if I accidentally did. The post was ment to be a simple, subjective review about the part of the graphic novel I've read so far. Since I'm new on this app and I wanted to try out a new type of post, to see what my audience would most likely want to see more of.

And I'm extremely sorry if I made anyone upset because I posted this review, not knowing that the series would end up being misinformative.

I def didn't expect the post to blow up that much. But since it did, I see it as my responsibility to correct this mistake, even if I didn't made it, nor could have known about it until I now. (If this person didn't made this comment to put my attention to it, I still wouldn't be aware of it. Again, thank you a lot. I think it's really important to stop spreading misinformation as soon as you see it.)

I can't really judge the accuracy of this reveal, because I'm NOT a mental health professional or similar, nor somebody suffering from DID (as far as I'm aware). But based of my own research, it's def misinformative and a mistake the writer (or whoever is responsible for the basic story) of this comic made. And I won't defend them for doing so, just because I like Elles so far.

DID is NOT formed like shown in the second comic. Instead, it's formed by extreme, repeated childhood trauma (most of the time of sexual nature) before the age of about 8. (And that's already simplified.) I most likely won't give my own, "full", explanation of this dissociative disorder on my blog. Unless there's a high demand. Since they're many ACTUAL systems and mental health professionals who did that WAY better than I ever could, already.

I will correct my post to make all of that more clear. But I won't take the it down, simply because of the positive feedback I got from the DID community. Which I assume means that it's still a good comic for DID representation. At least when it comes to the first comic book.

As well as the fact that, when searching about "Elles", most reviews, as well as real advertisement for this comic talk about different "personalities". Which is another term often used instead of "alter", as far as I know. I even saw some websites straight up stating she has undiagnosed DID. Which, in combination with the rest of the story, lead me to the conclusion that it most likely is about it nonetheless. Or at least it is suppose to be. Accurate or not.

Which makes it all the more disappointing to find out about the reveal in the second novel, in my opinion. I think it's such a "missed out" and rare opportunity to NOT show what DID is actually all about. And how it's formed. I thought they didn't mention it in any kind of way so far, simply because it's undiagnosed and noone really knows abt it. So I was hoping there'd be some kind of "big reveal" later. A few panels or even just simple sentences could have been enough to depict it more accurate, without accidentally triggering sb. Or making it less kid/ya friendly.

[thebibliosphere]

So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After. 

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting. 

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom. 

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man. 

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms... 

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful. 

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual. 

[makeste]

but I just feel too tired to be fighting

this is a follow-up post to what I said in my recap the other day about this arc being the Deku Angst arc, as opposed to the Villain Hunt arc or the Deku SIXQUIRKS Exhibition arc. I feel like the fandom discussion tends to focus on the flashier parts of the chapters -- the sexy villains and the new quirk reveals and the Shindous -- each week, and so the quieter emotional beats sometimes get overlooked, especially since the character arc here is playing out in little bits and pieces over time rather than all at once.

this has always been a very reactionary fandom, and there’s a tendency to judge the chapters week to week without ever going back to look at how they all fit into the big picture. so I figured I would try to attempt that, and basically go chapter by chapter here to look at what exactly Horikoshi is setting up and how it all fits together.

so let’s start with the end of chapter 306, which is when the arc officially kicks off. specifically with the very last page:

this is imo one of the best pages Horikoshi has ever drawn. I got the sense that this was a scene he’d had in his mind’s eye for quite a long time, and that he was excited to finally get to this part of the story. it’s extremely effective as both a chapter-ender, and an arc-opener. like, look at this:

it establishes the initial premise of the new arc -- the world is in chaos, and Deku is now seemingly on his own

it leaves the readers with a number of questions. why did Deku leave U.A.?? is he really on his own now?? why does he look so beat-up and exhausted?? what is he up to?? what is the world like now that all these villains have been unleashed and the heroes have been decimated?? and most importantly of all, what the fuck is going to happen next??

it pays homage to some of Horikoshi’s comic book influences -- Batman in particular

it dramatically hits us with that “THE FINAL ACT BEGINS” and lets us know that shit is getting real now

that’s some good shit. so much so that I think people tended to overlook the other notable thing about this page amidst all of the initial excitement and discussion and speculation about where the series was headed. and that is the fact that the final panel in this chapter is NOT the panel of Deku standing above the city. the very last panel, the one that this chapter actually ends on, is instead the close-up of Deku’s face. his face, which is covered in shadow; and his eyes, which have dark circles under them and are prominently missing the usual flecks of light that give him his signature “sunny optimistic shounen protagonist” look.

not to mention this last line here, which is a call back to the very first time we saw the 14-year-old Deku way back in chapter one.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Horikoshi chose to throw this reference in. nor is it a coincidence that THIS is the scene he actually chose to end the chapter on. what this does is show us the drastic shift in Deku’s emotional state of mind, and his attitude towards being a hero. he’s gone from being thrilled and excited to being jaded and exhausted. he’s matured, but at a great cost. it’s always been his dream to be a hero, but “be careful what you wish for” is a popular adage for a reason. and right now he looks the furthest thing from happy.

and this is the emotional beat that Horikoshi chooses to end the chapter on. this is the panel that closes out the War arc, and begins the final act. to me the message could not be clearer -- this arc will be about the exploration of Deku’s character, and his struggle as he tries to live up to the expectations that have been placed on him as the Last Holder of OFA and quite possibly the World’s Only Hope.

it’s a character arc that builds on a lot of the things we’ve already learned about Deku over the course of the series, such as the fact that he is reckless, and that he focuses on others often at the expense of himself. but more importantly, it’s an arc that finally expands on the dark side of what has up until now been a net positive for Deku -- the power of OFA. up until this point, despite its ups and downs, it’s been a boon for Deku overall and has allowed him to pursue his dream. but now we’re finally reaching the point where the monkey’s paw part of the OFA blessing/curse finally starts to come into play. OFA gives Deku more power than he could have ever dreamed of, but it also comes with a built-in destiny that he can’t opt out of whether he likes it or not. AFO is on the loose and out there trying to destroy the world. and now everyone has pinned their hopes on this sixteen-year-old kid, and the question of whether or not the sixteen-year-old kid is ready is apparently not one that anyone feels inclined to ask (possibly because they’re afraid that the answer might be “no”).

he doesn’t have a choice in the matter. he has to do it, because there’s no one else who can. that’s the kind of pressure that is on Deku now.

and on that note, we begin the Deku Angst arc.

chapter 307

this in hindsight was mostly just a set-up chapter to better establish the current state of the BnHA world at large (spoilers: it’s not good), while also providing an answer for one of the big initial questions of the arc -- namely, “what happened to all of those villains that AFO released from Tartarus?” these are important things to touch on, but the pacing could definitely have been better, and the bulk of the chapter was dedicated to providing fanservice to all of the Shindou fans who spammed the most recent popularity poll (which, whatever lol). anyway, so this was the sole chapter thus far with absolutely no Deku development. thankfully the arc picks up from there.

chapter 308

on to the next one! this was the one and only chapter thus far which I think actually qualifies as an “exhibition fight.” this was definitely all about showing off Deku’s current powerset, as well as introducing us to another of the SIXQUIRKS. however, there was Deku development here as well, most notably in this scene:

this is the scene that got a lot of people speculating that this arc was going to focus on Deku hunting down all of the old villains. but I think people got so caught up in that speculation that they overlooked what this scene tells us about Deku’s mindset. and yes, there is new information being revealed here, and it’s not just a rehash of the stuff we already knew. like yes, we know that Deku was shaken up by the recent encounters with Dabi and Tomura, and we know that made him start questioning why villains become villains in the first place, and all that good stuff, and that’s great. however, there are two additional important things that this scene helps establish for us.

the upcoming battle with TomurAFO is weighing heavily on Deku’s mind. this is something that will become a recurring theme in this arc. Deku is thinking about this constantly. the question of what to do when he finally encounters TomurAFO again is knocking incessantly at the back of his mind, and this won’t be the last time it comes up.

Deku is using these villain encounters as test runs. can Tomura be redeemed?? is he just being stupid and naïve?? or is this really something worth attempting?? the interesting thing about this is that Deku’s resolve to save people is usually so strong and unwavering that it’s more than enough to overcome any doubts that he might have. but this time it seems like the repeated objections posed by the Vestiges and Gran Torino have really gotten to him. it’s possible I’m just reading way too much into things, but to me it really feels like Deku’s recent attempts at Talk no Jutsu were meant to do more than just show his growing awareness that the line between heroes and villains is thinner than he once imagined. they’re also serving as trial runs for the real test, when it finally comes. if he can “save” even a villain like Muscular, there’s hope for him being able to save Tomura as well. and so that moment when Muscular rejects him out of hand is all the more disappointing to him, even if it wasn’t really unexpected. basically it wasn’t the answer that he had been hoping for.

aside from those little notes though, like I said, this was unquestionably an exhibition fight first and foremost. which is fine; we needed to establish where Deku is currently in terms of strength, and it was also just fun to see him kick some ass, ngl. in terms of story purpose this chapter was similar to 219, which showed us how Shouto and Katsuki had powered up after getting their provisional licenses. people who don’t care about those characters might argue that these fights weren’t necessary, but as someone who stans all three characters hard, I would disagree! but anyways, moving on.

chapter 309

in contrast to the previous chapter, this chapter focuses more on establishing Deku’s current mental state, as opposed to his physical state. and this is what we learn:

(1) Deku is ~technically~ being shadowed/accompanied by All Might and the Hawksquad (but in practice he’s avoiding them).

(2) it was Deku’s own decision to leave U.A., and he did it because he didn’t want anyone else getting hurt in order to protect him.

and finally, (3) Deku’s game plan is to stop Tomura and All for One before they reach full power.

this last part is very important, because it means there’s a countdown in effect. as far as Deku is concerned, there’s only a finite amount of time before TomurAFO becomes unstoppable. which means that he’s not only under “gotta get stronger” pressure, but time pressure as well. he doesn’t have the luxury of taking his time and training in safety. he’s being rushed now; this is do-or-die.

this chapter is also the first in this arc in which we get to see Deku’s expressions without the hood covering up his face, and what we see is very telling. as previously stated, the light is gone from Deku’s eyes. he keeps his expressions very neutral, and the only time we even see a hint of a smile is when he hugs his mom in the flashback, and it’s clear from the dialogue (“it’s okay, I’ll come home to you”) that he’s doing it for her sake in order to comfort her.

but aside from that, this is very much not the Deku we’ve grown accustomed to. this is the chapter that really establishes his current mental state imo. above all else, he’s afraid that more people will get hurt because of him, and so he’s distancing himself from everyone around him. and he’s also morbidly preoccupied with the inevitability of having to face TomurAFO again, and soon. the chapter ends on the flashback of Gran giving him his cape, and telling Deku that “killing can be another way to save someone.” there’s a lot on this kid’s mind, to say the least.

chapter 310

this chapter opens with a gang of civilians who are trying to open fire on a nice fox lady whose only crime was walking around in the rain at night. Deku intervenes to save her, and it’s the first time in this arc that we see anything close to the “old” Deku, who just wanted to save people with a smile.

but it’s bittersweet, because all the lady can talk about is how scared she was, and how horrible everything is right now. and so Deku, who feels responsible in a lot of ways for everything that’s happened, just feels that much more pressure to somehow make things right again.

there’s also this extra throwaway line which is especially heartbreaking:

“I can’t afford to be around anyone.” fucking ouch. just reinforcing once more how incredibly isolated Deku is right now -- not by choice, but because he feels like it’s not safe to let anyone else get close to him. and so he’s out here running around this dystopian cityscape in the middle of the night in the pouring rain all on his own, and neglecting himself to the point where All Might practically has to force a bento on him.

but does he complain? of course not. because his focus is never on himself. instead, when he settles down to eat, his thoughts immediately drift back to, guess who...

it’s that time pressure once again. “unless I draw out One for All’s full power, I can’t stop any of this.” it’s just nonstop, I have to get stronger, I’m running out of time, I have to do better, and constantly thinking about that inevitable confrontation.

Deku is a thinker, you guys. and when left to his own devices he will overthink, every time. his mind will run in endless loops while he mentally works his way through all of the possibilities. and that’s one of his greatest strengths, don’t get me wrong, but at a time like this it’s also one of his greatest weaknesses. it’s just so fucking easy for him to get stuck in his own head, in his endless rambling thoughts and analyses. and without anyone else there to help distract him, or help him focus, he’s become fixated on his mission, and it’s slowly consuming him.

this, incidentally, is also the chapter in which we finally see Two and Three’s faces, and learn why Two in particular is so reluctant to lend his power to Deku. he appears to be the lone holdout at this point, so stay tuned on that, because I don’t doubt this will wind up being crucial to Deku’s future development, however it winds up playing out.

chapter 311

this chapter flips back to the Hawksquad for the first half, so we get a brief respite from the ongoing Dekuangst. right before we switch back though, we do get confirmation of something we had pretty much already guessed:

like, that much was already apparent based on what we’d seen (the bags under his eyes; the fact that he refused to sit still in any one place for very long even at night), but it’s always nice to get the official confirmation so that people can’t dispute it lol. so yeah, Deku isn’t sleeping much. and not eating much either, if all he’s getting is the occasional bento from Dadmight. so basically not taking care of himself at all, huge shocker there. but this is something that’s important enough to the story that Horikoshi took the time to point it out in the dialogue, in addition to all of the visual clues we’d already gotten.

and just in case we needed to drive that point in any further, this chapter ends with the appearance of Lady Nagant! like yeah, no shit Deku isn’t getting much sleep, what with him having to fend off racist civilians and hired assassins every five fucking minutes. smdh. can he live??

chapter 312

so this is the chapter that properly introduces Lady Nagant, who maaaay or may not be one of the primary antagonists of this arc?? like, it’s really unclear right now tbh, but she gets hyped up by Hawks and AFO, and has a flashback and a mysterious past and a weird trump card (where did you go, Overhaul) and all that good shit, so yeah? one can hope at any rate.

but anyway. so to his credit, Deku’s first thought is to retreat, but he quickly abandons that plan once he figures out Nagant’s location. this is played off like a logical strategic decision at first, but the subsequent chapter quickly makes it clear that Deku’s decision to take the fight to Nagant is less rational than he might have you think.

chapter 313

so yeah. last but not least, the most recent chapter, in which Deku’s real reason for targeting Lady soon becomes apparent:

what’s more, it quickly becomes clear that he miscalculated and probably would have been better off following Hawks’s advice, seeing as he promptly gets himself shot, and subsequently realizes that AFO gave Nagant an extra quirk, something he hadn’t taken into account. but instead of cutting his losses and running at this point, he doubles down instead and not only breaks out Smokescreen, but also the Third’s quirk which he has never even used before.

it’s worth noting that both En and the Third start telling him to chill at this point, and warn him that what he’s attempting is too dangerous. but tbh if they were expecting him to listen, they haven’t been reading the same arc I’ve been reading. once again, Horikoshi makes it clear that Deku has one thing and one thing only on his mind right now.

of course. once again it all comes back to this. hunt down AFO. it doesn’t matter that he’s exhausted. it doesn’t matter that he’s just been shot twice. it doesn’t matter that Hawks, despite knowing what Deku was capable of with his OFA abilities, specifically warned him away from this one person only. it doesn’t matter that even the Vestiges are trying to tell him you’re going too fast and you’re trying to do too much and it’s too dangerous.

he just doesn’t care. long story short, the only thing that matters to Deku right now is tracking down and defeating TomurAFO. and as the person who knows him best once so aptly put it, “he doesn’t take himself into account.” and therein lies the major challenge of this arc.

and so this is where we’re currently at now. and this has been a very long post, but if nothing else, I hope I was able to get this one point across: there is absolutely no way that Deku will be able to defeat TomurAFO as he is now. not a chance in hell. somehow he’s managed the uncommon feat of waging a war of attrition against himself, which is really quite an accomplishment. he’s not taking care of himself, and he’s refusing to listen to sound advice from the people surrounding him, and is trying to skip ahead to the final boss battle before he’s ready, because the guilt and pressure from feeling responsible for the current situation are eating him up. the only way that the world can go back to normal is if he can defeat AFO; therefore he has to do it as soon as possible, because time is running out and everyone is counting on him. this is who Deku is. and this is what inevitably happens when his saving mentality is taken to extremes, and left unchecked.

anyway so to wrap up this post now, I do think this arc is a lot more cohesive than it’s gotten credit for thus far, and Deku is the glue holding it all together. I for one am loving the exploration of his character and all the subtle little angsty touches as we build up to the big moment, whenever it finally comes. just keep in mind though that if his decisions right now seem reckless and short-sighted, it’s because they’re supposed to seem that way, because Deku is not in a good mental state right now. the cracks are finally showing in our perfect protagonist, just like everyone has been wanting this whole time. he is just a kid. he is doing his best. he is trying far too hard to do his best, and it is hurting him so badly, but he doesn’t even realize. this arc is not an endorsement of the Angsty Nomad Hero lifestyle, lol. it’s the exact fucking opposite, and I think it’s being wildly misinterpreted with all of the emphasis on “oh look at that, he mastered another quirk with no effort”, as opposed to “oh look at that, he is shutting down emotionally and is a few more missed nights of sleep away from a complete and total breakdown.”

tl;dr the overarching storyline of this arc is all about Deku slowly falling apart due to his trauma from Jakku, and the subsequent pressure that was put on him by the Vestiges with their whole “GUESS WHAT, YOU’RE THE LAST USER OF OFA, THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S ALL ON YOU BUDDY” pep talk. and mark my words, things are not going to go according to plan. something is going to go terribly wrong here. whether it’s something happening to All Might, or AFO setting up a trap for him, either way Deku is being set up to fail in a major way. unless of course, someone (or a group of someones) manages to intervene first, and possibly stage an intervention or something. it’s what he needs right now, but idk if Horikoshi is going to make it that easy.

anyway, but in other words, the point of this arc is not to show how much stronger Deku has gotten and how he doesn’t even need his friends anymore. it’s the exact opposite -- the point of this arc is to show that Deku needs his friends now more than ever. that in spite of OFA and all of its mystical trappings and fancy SIXQUIRKS, Deku can’t do this alone. he needs his friends. that’s the core message. and right now, we are at the “I can get by on my own” part of the story. and the part we are all waiting for, but which is coming -- I guarantee it is coming, you guys -- is “the thing is, you don’t have to.”

and that shit is going to slap hard you guys. and I for one can’t wait. but until then, enjoy the angst.

[ibijau]

How to Woo a Lan pt9 / On AO3

Jin Ling comes to the Cloud Recesses with a present for Wen Ning

Jin Ling arrived to the Cloud Recesses on a mild afternoon for a visit, not to the Gusu Lan sect itself, but to Wen Qionglin. It was an official visit, too, and he had brought with him an appropriate retinue to signify he had come as a sect leader rather than in his own name.

Lan Qiren, with whom he had been corresponding to organise this, had been rather displeased by the implication that Wen Ning was affiliated to Gusu Lan in any manner. Even once Jin Ling had carefully explained that he aimed to appease, Lan Qiren remained doubtful, and only agreed to host that event with great reluctance. What helped getting him to agree was Jin Ling’s assurance that he would do this even without Gusu Lan's assistance. He would merely find a different place for this, should the Cloud Recesses be made unavailable, but he would still wish to do this with the help of another sect of consequence. Once he was sure that no slight against his sect was intended, Lan Qiren became more willing to cooperate, and promised to make sure that Wen Ning would be there on the agreed date.

Of course, Jin Ling had also written directly to Wen Ning regarding his plans. He had revealed parts of his intentions, while keeping the bits that really mattered hidden to make sure nothing would leak out until it was too late. And it was extremely important that no one should know what he was really planning, especially within his own sect, or people would try to stop him.

And now Jin Ling was right there, in the Cloud Recesses, being led to a banquet hall where Wen Ning was waiting for him, while carrying an ostentatious chest that seemed to get heavier the longer he held it. A little crowd was gathered there, mostly important looking Lan elders, but there was also Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji, as well as a few juniors on particularly good terms with Wen Ning. Jin Ling couldn’t stop himself from looking at Lan Sizhui, but aside from one glance, the other boy absolutely wouldn’t look at him, instead staring at the floor, or at Lan Qiren, or just about anywhere except at Jin Ling. That hurt of course, but it wasn’t exactly unexpected, and it gave Jin Ling renewed determination to do things right. Maybe he couldn’t get Lan Sizhui to become his husband, but he needed to do everything so they could be friends at least.

When everyone had arrived in the banquet room, and at Lan Qiren’s signal, Jin Ling walked up to a rather nervous looking Wen Ning, and held out his heavy box toward the fierce corpse.

“Wen Qiongling, I thank you for agreeing to meet me today,” Jin Ling announced, trying his best to sound as calm as Jin Guangyao, though he was pretty sure he ended up a little closer to being as harsh as Jiang Cheng. “I realise that there has been deep enmity between your people and Lanling Jin, but it is my belief that the time has come to move past that. For that reason, Wen Qiongling, I return to you these books and artefacts that were once taken as victory spoils following the Sunshot Campaign.”

Stiff as his face was, Wen Ning’s shock still made itself evident, his mouth opening as if he might gasp in surprise even though he no longer breathed. He hesitated, glancing toward an equally surprised Wei Wuxian (and good, Jin Ling liked being able to surprise his not-quite-uncle) who nodded at him in encouragement. Then, with trembling hands, Wen Ning took the chest Jin Ling was offering him, lifting it as if it weighed nothing and opening it to inspect its contents.

“Jiejie’s research,” Wen Ning said in a small voice. Had he retained the ability to cry, Jin Ling would have expected him to do so. “I thought it was lost…”

“For what it did, the Wen sect was punished,” Jin Ling said, forcing himself to not look at Lan Sizhui, unsure he would have the strength to go on if he saw the other boy’s reaction. “Those who had to die, died. But the Wen sect wasn’t always evil, and its knowledge should not be entirely lost. If it were to be reborn, and to stay true to what it once sought to do, the Jin sect would allow it. Furthermore…”

In spite of the Lan’s usual good manners, whispers rose around the room, as well as within Jin Ling’s own retinue. Of course saying something like that could only be controversial, but he hadn’t come there to please any of these unimportant people.

“Furthermore,” he insisted, raising his voice a little, “if it turned out that anyone of Wen blood has survived those past twenty years, then it is my belief that they should be allowed to exist without any further threats, since they have remained harmless for such a long time. If any such people were to come forward, the Jin sect would not allow any harm to come to them.”

Having said this, Jin Ling let out a shaky breath, glad that he’d successfully done this without anyone managing to stop him. There would be hell to pay for that little stunt later, of course. Lan Qiren hadn’t been informed of that part of his plan, so he was sure to scold Jin Ling, as would the Jin elders, supposing they didn’t have a Qi deviation upon learning what their young sect leader had done without their permission. Though of course the worst would be Jiang Cheng, who was definitely going to break Jin Ling’s legs this time.

Jin Ling was never going to be allowed to speak in public until he was at least fifty, and he didn’t care, because he knew it was the right thing to do if he wanted to keep Lan Sizhui in his life.

Since that drunken conversation with Nie Huaisang, Jin Ling had given the situation a lot of thought, and carefully considered the hints given to him by the older man.

It must all have been related to Wen Ning, the issue that made it impossible for Lan Sizhui to be his cultivation partner. And since Nie Huaisang had asked about any mentions of a preference for women, it seemed likely a girl was involved, right? So Jin Ling's theory was thus: that Lan Sizhui, who had gone travelling with Wen Ning, had been introduced to some surviving Wens, among which a girl he had agreed to marry in an effort to protect her and her family more than out of romantic affection. Even though he had a preference for Jin Ling, he could not back down from a promise given, being a self sacrificing Lan. 

It was very beautiful, and absolutely tragic, and if Jin Ling couldn't get the person he loved, then he'd at least do everything in his power to help Lan Sizhui.

After Jin Ling’s speech was over, after Lan Qiren stated that he would inform Zewu-Jun of this development and announce whether the Lan sect would align with the Jins, after Wen Ning stuttered his thanks with more emotion than anyone might have expected of a living corpse, Jin Ling dared to look again at Lan Sizhui, hoping to see him relieved or grateful. Instead, Lan Sizhui’s expression was indecipherable as he stared intensely at Jin Ling, his face bright red. 

Jin Ling ached to go see him, to ask if Lan Sizhui knew that he’d done this for him, all of it for him, so he could be happy, so he wouldn’t have to fear for the people he’d found and whom he must have loved more than he loved Jin Ling. Jin Ling needed Lan Sizhui to know this, but now that he had dropped his bomb, a number of boring people swarmed him to ask if he really meant what he said. And then dinner was served, and of course Jin Ling had to sit next to Lan Qiren (who, in spite of being forbidden by his rules from speaking, managed to make it very clear that he was angry at Jin Ling for tricking him into being part of this. He was a terrifying man, really, and Jin Ling was suddenly very glad he’d never study in Gusu like other boys his age). And then after the meal there were more people wanting to talk to him, so Jin Ling had no chance to see the one person he really wanted to see. 

Much to Jin Ling’s despair, he noticed Lan Sizhui discreetly leaving the banquet hall with Wen Ning after a little time. Fearing that he might lose his chance to talk to the other boy, Jin Ling very rudely escaped from all those annoying old people pestering him about politics and made his escape, running into the night after Lan Sizhui.

Well, quickly walking into the night, more accurately. This was still the Cloud Recesses, and Lan Qiren, who had left the banquet hall at the same time as him, already looked annoyed enough. No need to do anything to make him truly angry. 

Thankfully, Lan Sizhui had not disappeared too far by the time Jin Ling made his escape. The older boy was still near the banquet hall, quietly chatting with Wen Ning and looking with him through the contents of the box Jin Ling had given him. Seeing them like this, both of them awed and clearly emotional, made Jin Ling hesitate to bother them. He wasn’t the best at reading the room, but even he could tell that the moment was important for Wen Ning and Lan Sizhui, so important that they hadn’t been able to wait to be alone before they started talking about what was in the box. Jin Ling was left with conflicted feelings. He was happy, proud even, that he had done something good, but he also couldn’t help a certain bitterness that Lan Sizhui really was excluding him from whatever was happening in his life that concerned the Wens.

Before Jin Ling could decide whether he should interrupt the other two, Lan Sizhui noticed his presence. The older boy startled upon seeing him, his eyes round with surprise, his cheeks flushed so red that it was noticeable even in the low evening light. Lan Sizhui didn’t say anything, but Wen Ning noticed that his young friend was suddenly distracted and, noticing Jin Ling too, motioned for him to come closer.

“Jin zongzhu, thank you again for your kindness,” Wen Nin softly said when Jin Link had joined them. “My sister spent most of her life working on these. It means more to me than I can ever say.”

“There’s more I can return to you,” Jin Ling blurted, a little awkward now that it felt personal rather than important sect business. “I couldn’t bring everything at once, so I just thought you’d want your sister’s things the most, but there are other things too, and if you want we can organise a more private way to give it back. But I had to make a big show of it first. I had to make sure everyone knows we’re not enemies anymore!”

Wen Ning nodded, his impassive face looking a little sad.

“I know it won’t change anything, but I’m sorry about your father,” Wen Ning said. “I never meant…”

“No need to speak about it!” Jin Ling interrupted, that particular topic still uncomfortable in spite of his determination to forgive. “You’ve paid already for what you did back then, so there’s no need to speak about it anymore. I don’t know if we’ll ever be close friends like you are with some of the others, but I do know I don’t hate you, and I’m not angry at you most of the time. And even when I get angry… well, I won’t let it get in the way. I really want for Lanling Jin to move forward, and I want for the cultivation world to get some peace, so I’ll learn to control my temper, that’s all.”

“Hm,” Wen Ning said, staring at Jin Ling as only a dead man could stare, unwavering and unflinching. Then, after a little while, Wen Ning forced his stiff face to move into something resembling a smile. “You are a good person, Jin zongzhu, and I’m glad you’re A-Yuan’s friend. He chose well.”

“Wen-qianbei!” Lan Sizhui exclaimed in a mortified tone, his face even redder now.

“Have I said anything untrue?” Wen Ning innocently replied. “Is Jin zongzhu not a good and valued friend?” he then turned again to Jin Ling. “When we were travelling together, A-Yuan often spoke of you. At the time I wasn’t sure it was a good idea for him to have such a friend, but I am glad I was proven wrong.”

In spite of some odd irritation upon hearing Wen Ning use Lan Sizhui’s personal name so casually, Jin Ling was embarrassingly pleased to learn that the other boy had thought of him during his long absence. Even if they couldn’t be in love, it was nice to know that they both had real affection for each other, that he hadn’t imagined Lan Sizhui’s preference for him. But pleasant as that was for Jin Ling, Lan Sizhui himself looked more and more distressed by Wen Ning’s revelations. Apparently overwhelmed, Lan Sizhui grabbed Jin Ling’s wrist and started pulling him away, mumbling something about needing to talk in private.

Wen Ning smiled again at that, but Jin Ling barely noticed because Lan Sizhui had already dragged him away. They walked for a little while, going further and further from the banquet hall, until they arrived to a more isolated part of the Cloud Recesses where stood a large house surrounded by a garden. It worried Jin Ling a little, since he wasn’t sure he was actually allowed to be there, but Lan Sizhui was quick to assure him they were doing nothing forbidden.

“That house is the Hanshi,” he explained, dragging Jin Ling away from the path and behind some tall brushes. “It’s Lan zongzhu’s house, but he’s still in seclusion. The seniors never really come here out of respect for him, and the garden has a lot of discreet spots where you can’t be seen from the path, so some juniors have figured out that it’s fine to come here when they… when a little quiet and privacy is needed.”

“You mean this is a hookup spot?” Jin Ling asked, horrified that Lan Sizhui might have any reason to know a place like this.

“It’s not!” Lan Sizhui protested. “That… that would be against the rules of course. But Jingyi had told me a few times that it’s a nice place to chat, so I figured it would be fine to come here.”

It was absolutely, without a doubt, definitely and entirely, a hookup spot. Every sect had one, or more than one. With so many teenagers stuck together, it was only natural for places like that to develop. Jin Ling was aware of two such places in Jinlin Tai, and had rather strong suspicions concerning a third one, because there was no way Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen had been the first people to realise the aviary was a good place for making out or more.

Jin Ling wanted to leave right then, because he was a sect leader, and he couldn’t be caught somewhere like that, least of all in another sect, and especially when that sect was Gusu Lan. He should have demanded they leave.

He didn’t, too thrilled to be somewhere like this with Lan Sizhui.

“Anyway, I brought you here because… you’ve figured it out, right?” Lan Sizhui whispered, his voice unbearably sad. “About… about why I reacted like that last time.”

Jin Ling nodded. “Yes. It’s… I understand. Is it… it is really sure?” he asked, hoping that maybe Lan Sizhui’s engagement to that mysterious Wen girl could still be cancelled. Maybe she could be dumped off on Lan Jingyi, couldn’t she? Surely Lan Jingyi should be glad that anyone at all agreed to marry him, and if he were a good friend, he'd do this for them.

“Oh it’s completely sure,” Lan Sizhui sighed. “And I… I can’t involve you in this. If I had known what you were planning today, I would have stopped you. You really didn’t have to do this, you know.”

“Of course I had to do it!” Jin Ling exclaimed, a little too loud for their surroundings. Both of them nervously glanced around, but there was no sign of anyone else, and the Hanshi’s door remained closed. “I had to do it,” Jin Ling insisted more quietly. “I have to do everything in my power to make sure you and the people you love are safe. And I hope… I hope that person and you get to be happy.”

“Happiness might be too much to ask for,” Lan Sizhui sighed. “But we’ll do our best. I think we’re both the sort of people to make the best of things.”

“And having a family must be nice.”

Lan Sizhui threw him a puzzled look, but nodded. “I suppose you’re right. I grew up without family, with just Hanguang-Jun taking care of me whenever he could. It’s been a little difficult sometimes to adapt to the change, but… but I like it. I like the way things are now.”

“And the family will only keep growing,” Jin Ling remarked with what he thought was a remarkable lack of bitterness. “I’m sure that will be nice too.”

“What do you mean it’ll keep growing?” Lan Sizhui asked with a confused frown.

“Well, after the marriage… I mean, children have to happen, right?”

Lan Sizhui’s confusion only increased. Jin Ling wondered, with no small degree of horror, if perhaps Lan Sizhui didn’t know how children were made. It seemed impossible for any boy his age not to know, but since Lan Sizhui also didn’t appear to realise what a hookup spot was, and with the Lans’ strict separation of the sexes, and their monk-like habits…

“Oh, Jin Ling, I think you’ve been taught a little incorrectly,” Lan Sizhui said, his voice dripping with pity. “I suppose people didn’t want you to know too much, but… oh, this is so embarrassing. But you see, even if Hanguang-Jun and Wei-qianbei are married, they can’t have children. Marriage is… not the only prerequisite for babies, you see, and…”

“I know that!” Jin Ling cut him, his voice once more too loud for such a place. “I know how babies are made! And I didn’t mean these two would have children! I meant you and your wife!”

“My what?”

“Well, your fiancée I suppose.”

“Fiancée?” Lan Sizhui stuttered. “What… what fiancée? I don’t… I’m not engaged? I don’t think? If I’m engaged, that’s the first time I’m hearing about it.”

Realising that he might have guessed wrong about the situation, Jin Ling squatted down and hid his face against his knees. He’d been so sure, it was the most logical explanation… but of course he’d been wrong, of course he’d made a fool of himself in front of Lan Sizhui, again, for about the billionth time since they’d met. Jin Ling wished for the ground to open up and swallowed him so he could get out of this conversation.

Instead Lan Sizhui crouched next to him and gently put a hand on his shoulder, as if he were trying to comfort Jin Ling.

How terribly rude of him to be so damn nice, even at a time like that.

“Jin Ling, I really don’t understand,” Lan Sizhui said. “Can you please explain? Why do you think I am engaged?”

“Because it seemed to make sense?” Jin Ling lamented, curling up on himself a little tighter. “You disappeared for so long, and you’re so close to Wen Ning now, and you act like you maybe like me but you pushed me away when I said I love you, so I figured…”

He trailed away, too mortified by his own stupidity to continue.

“You thought I was rejecting you because I already loved someone else?” Lan Sizhui asked, his hand clenching on Jin Ling’s shoulder. “Jin Ling, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think…”

“I didn’t think you were in love with someone else,” Jin Ling muttered. “You didn’t act like someone in love! But I figured… I thought you’d met a Wen girl who survived after the war, and you pitied her, and so you promised to marry her, because that way you’d be able to protect her! And I… I like you so much, and if I can’t have you, then at least I want you to be happy, so I thought I’d try to help, but I’m just an idiot and honestly I can’t even blame you for rejecting me!”

“Oh,” Lan Sizhui said. Then, after a long silence, he said: “Oh, Jin Ling, you’re really not making this easy for me.” Another long silence. “Jin Ling, you’re not so wrong though. There was a survivor. There’s at least one Wen still alive today.”

“There is?” Jin Ling asked, raising his head.

Lan Sizhui nodded nervously and removed his hand from Jin Ling’s shoulder. He opened his mouth a few times, twisting his fingers, then took a deep breath.

“Jin Ling, I’m a Wen by birth,” he said in a trembling voice. “That’s why… that’s why I left for so long and travelled with Wen-qianbei. That’s why I’m so close to him… and why I’m close to Wei-qianbei, too. I was… I lived in the Burial Mounds with them when I was a baby, until there was that siege. Hanguang-Jun saved me and brought me here, and I’ve been raised as a Lan, but in the end I’m still a…” he sighed, a few tears falling from his eyes. “That’s why I rejected you that time. Because of course… of course it’d be impossible to be together.”

“Why not?” Jin Ling immediately asked, to shocked to think of any other question.

Lan Sizhui wiped his tears with the palm of his hand, and stared at him as if he’d gone mad.

“Jin Ling, I’ve just told you why. I’m a Wen.”

“I’ve heard that, yes. Of course if you resent me for being from the family that killed yours…”

“I don’t,” Lan Sizhui mumbled. “It wasn’t your fault. You’d just been born. And if I resented you, we wouldn’t be friends. But you…”

“Exactly, if there was resentment between us, we wouldn’t be friends,” Jin Ling agreed. “Listen, I’ve just publicly forgiven Wen Ning, who literally killed my father, and who was indirectly responsible for the death of my mother. If I can forgive him with all that, do you really think I’m going to be angry at you, when you were also barely more than a baby when all that stuff happened?”

For a brief moment, Lan Sizhui smiled at him with so much affection that Jin Ling felt his heart would explode if he didn’t kiss him. But before he could do so, Lan Sizhui’s expression turned sad again, more so than before.

“A-Ling, it’s not just about you and I though,” he pointed out. “You might forgive, but your uncle, your sect, the rest of the cultivation world… already they will be angry for what you’ve done today, so if you were to be involved with a Wen… Of course we could try to hide, but…”

“Secrets always come out in the end,” Jin Ling said, remembering Nie Huaisang saying something to that effect when he’d tried to help Jin Ling guess the truth. Of course secrets were hard to keep, when cultivators tended to be naturally nosy. “I wouldn’t make you hide,” he promised. “Why should you hide? You’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t care that you’re a Wen. You’re the person I like. You’re the kindest, handsomest, most perfect person in the world, and I love you, and I will fight anyone who ever tries to harm you.”

“Yes, I think you would,” Lan Sizhui sighed. “That’s why I don’t think it’s wise… Your life is already so complicated, I don’t want to make it worse. I don’t think I’m worth the trouble.”

“You are,” Jin Ling replied, grabbing Lan Sizhui's hands with a little too much enthusiasm, nearly making both of them fall into the bush that hid them. “You’re worth annoying a few old farts. You’re worth having Jiujiu shout at me. You’re worth fighting the entire cultivation world. I love you that much. And if I have to be in enormous trouble… well, if at least you’re here at my side, I’ll like that better than if I could be safe but without you!”

Hearing this, Lan Sizhui’s face became bright red, and he turned his face to the side, clearly trying to hide a pleased smile.

“A-Ling, you’re really unreasonable,” he mumbled. “You’re making it hard to do the right thing.”

“Maybe it wouldn’t be the right thing anyway,” Jin Ling retorted. “It’s going to be difficult for you no matter what. Wouldn’t you rather it be difficult and we get to kiss?”

Lan Sizhui chuckled, and turned to look again at Jin Ling with an expression so soft that for a brief moment, Jin Ling thought they really might kiss right there and then. And perhaps they would have, if not for something else catching Lan Sizhui’s attention.

“Oh no,” Lan Sizhui gasped, staring at something on the other side of the bush. “Why would they be here, today of all days?”

Looking through the leaves, Jin Ling quickly understood the problem, and felt a terror like no other seize him.

Having just exited the Hanshi, Lan Qiren and Lan Xichen were slowly making their way down the path, right toward Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui’s hiding place. It had gotten dark enough that the two boys could hope to be hard to notice, especially when the two men appeared deep in conversation, but Jin Ling still felt more scared than he’d ever been in his life. He could face monsters and ghosts, he could face crazed killers and murderous uncles, that wasn’t so bad. But if he was caught alone after dark, with Lan Sizhui, in a hookup spot, then Jin Ling was going to die of shame.

And if he somehow survived, he was going to die from being murdered by Jiang Cheng.

Both Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui became as still as statues, hardly daring to breathe. As the two older men came closer, Jin Ling started to catch snippets of conversations. At first it seemed to concern his earlier stunt, and while Lan Qiren was clearly annoyed, Lan Xichen’s soft laugh resonated once or twice. By the time the two men came near enough for Jin Ling to really hear what they said, the topic had already shifted, and Lan Xichen’s good humour appeared to be gone.

“There is still time,” Lan Xichen said, in a voice drier than Jin Ling had ever heard from him. “I am still in seclusion, there’s no urgency.”

“This sect needs an heir,” Lan Qiren retorted. “I will not let you hide like your father did. Not until you’ve at least done your duty for this sect. Make no mistake, I understand your heartbreak, and I sympathise. Being betrayed by your lover can’t have been easy, least of all when Nie Huaisang shows so little remorse. But you’ve had enough time to cry, and it’s time to move forward. You will meet that matchmaker next month, I demand it.”

[papergirllife]

First Love

Lucas Wong / Yukhei

"They say first love is a special experience that one would always hold a special place in your heart. Wong Yukhei was your first love in high school, but along the way, you had to say goodbye to him in order for him to achieve his dream of becoming a star in Korea. Yet fate and destiny plays its role in paving the two of you an intersection once more, will the two of you and up together at the very end?"

Warnings : smut, unprotected sex, mild angst, a child (pregnancy not described), tooth rotting fluff (all in that order, kinda)

A/N : this is one of my most heavily devoted works I've ever written, so please, of you're comfortable, drop a feedback to tell me if you guys like this writing style, thank you!

Lucas Wong of NCT and most importantly his own fixed unit, Wayv, the man who garners attention and love wherever he goes, that dazzling smile is sure to be captured by numerous cameras of awaiting fans.

But to you, Lucas was never Lucas, to you he was Yukhei, and more significantly, your ex from high school. Yukhei was your first love, you remember when the two of you had first met in Year 9, Yukhei was known for being a class clown and more of a klutz, girls would always have a soft spot for him even if they didn't like him in that way.

Yukhei was your desk mate for Year 10, the thing got you on your nerves about him was that he never took group assignments seriously, and was never at school on time, his uniform was wrinkly from rushing out of his house to catch the bus and always had a stationary missing, which means he had to borrow yours.

You never hated him, hate is a strong word, things were very neutral with him, most times, he unintentionally annoys you, but he'd always make up to you by bringing you a small bottle of apple juice the next day. The only time the two of you really fought was when he had not spoken up when his friends snatched your book away from yours to copy you off, brushing it off as a small matter.

You were quite an immature person back then, and no one can blame you, you were just a teenager, and being said that, you had refused to lend Yukhei a ruler when the math teacher did a pop quiz, so he had to use the dust pan as no one, other than you that is, brings an extra ruler.

It's not your fault, you thought back then, he shouldn't have depended on you to bring his share of stationaries. The next day, you walked into class to see his group of friends waiting at your desk to apologize to you, and as for Yukhei, he had yet again brought you a bottle of apple juice, with the addition of your favourite bar of Cadbury.

It was only in Year 11 when Yukhei had confessed to you, saying that all those annoying things he did to you were just to catch your attention, of all the girls he could've liked, he chose the one who was the most unattainable, go figure.

The next year, when the two of you were looking to apply to the same college, Yukhei broke the news to you that he'd be packing his bags for Korea, that the audition he had joined just for fun accepted him as a trainee in a large entertainment company in Korea that everyone in Hong Kong knows, SM.

At first you didn't approve of his decision, that his education was important as well, that he had a life here, with you. But Yukhei had given very valid reasons to you, that he wouldn't have passed the college entrance exams if it weren't for your tuitions until late at night in the public library, that he didn't really have an interest in studying. His most valid reason was that he didn't want to take a toll on you when you’re in college, he can't have you sacrifice your sleep and attention for him just to have him attain passing grades.

So you let him go, saying your last farewell to him at the airport as his girlfriend and ex girlfriend.

That was the last time you saw him, choosing to not stay in contact with him as you poured your soul into university life, studying like your life depends on it, you had a few boyfriends here and there, nothing serious, nothing that made you felt like your first love. Maybe you had trouble moving on, or maybe it was just stress, you thought back then, shrugging the thought off casually before diverting your attention else where, this cycle carried on until you came out to work.

Fast forwarding to March of 2019, you had unintentionally came across of a news online that Yukhei had finally been placed in his own fixed unit that would be promoting and performing in Chinese, which isn’t surprising, even the Thai member, Ten, was of Chinese heritage. What made your eyes widen was the fact that they were coming to Hong Kong.

At the day of the fan meet, you had took the day off from your boring low paying job at the law firm, so much for studying your ass off for bar exams, you’re just filing on a daily basis.

Before the day of the fan meet, you had lived off of instant cup noodles for a few weeks just to buy the album and their light stick. When you first listened to the album, you were proud of Yukhei’s rapping skills, you still recall the days when he’d struggle with his mandarin oral tests, the teachers there must be much better than you for him to improve so much, smiling fondly at the old memories.

You waved the light stick and sang along just like the other fans beside you, mesmerised by the performance that the boys are putting up, but your eyes were mostly on Yukhei, you would’ve never thought the once clumsy giant like him would dance as fluidly, executing the moves just as well as the other smaller sized members.

You watch as Yukhei introduces himself and his non Cantonese members in his mother tongue, a feeling of familiarity settling into your mind.

You are quite a confident person, but queuing up to the long table where Yukhei sat at the corner was nerve wrecking to you, what would he say to you? Would he recognise you? It hasn't been that long, but the two of you had done some changes to your looks.

The other members had greeted you with a friendly smile and a few casual questions like have you eaten, but they seem a bit taken aback by the lack of fan girl attitude that most of the fans in front of you had.

When you had got to Yukhei, he had dropped his marker on the floor, his head ducked out of sight to retrieve it, but when he came up to apologise, the words were stuck in his throat, as his eyes opened as wide as saucers. He coughed to mask the surprise on his face.

“Hi, how are you?” He asked as he took your album into his hands, scribbling something down.

“Good, how have you been?” although his hair is coloured, his eyes had contacts, and he wasn't in his messy uniform, the smile on his face never changed.

“Great, it's nice to see you,” to other fans and the staff beside him, they might think it's just one of the standard answers, but you knew Yukhei like the back of your hand, registering the twinkle in his eyes.

Soon, he had placed the album back into your hands, your fingers grazing gently as tiny sparks flew up your tips, eyes never breaking contact until the staff tells you to leave.

When you had sat down at a nearby cafe to get a cup of coffee, you took out your album and flipped to the page where Lucas had written something.

‘Hilton hotel, 9pm,' and his number under it.

At nine sharp, you waited by the hotel’s sitting area, not many people at that time as usually stores in Hong Kong open rather late, patiently you waited for Yukhei. Just as you were scrolling through posts on Instagram, a tall figure approached you.

A call of your name rolled off his tongue naturally, a wave of nostalgia hitting the both of you.

“I bought you a little something before I got here,” you said as you stood up, letting him guide you to the elevators.

“What is it?” Yukhei lets out a flustered laugh, scratching the back of his nape when he realised he didn't get you anything in return.

“Roast goose and Cha Siew, are they still your favourite?” you asked, hoping his taste hasn’t changed over the years.

“Yeah, man, I remember how we'd always get quarter of both after school at Uncle Chan’s,” Yukhei said, remembering how the boss of the restaurant had hung a photo of two of you on the wall, deeming the two of you his most loyal lovebirds.

“This is from Uncle Chan’s,” you told him as you followed him into his room, looking around, expecting him to be rooming with someone.

“Don't worry, I told Yang Yang to sleep with Ten for the night,” Yukhei said when he saw you looking for someone.

“Oh, that's really nice of him,” you said as you set out the food, the smell of Hong Kong's famous delicacies wafting in the air.

“Man, I really missed this,” Yukhei said as he pulls the arm chair that was a few feet away close to the desk, directing you into it and situating himself in the not so comfortable wooden chair.

“I missed this too,” you said mindlessly, eyes avoiding his before you ate a piece of meat.

“I missed you too,” Lucas confessed, yes there are many pretty girls in his industry, and Korea itself, but no one would be able to replace you, you were his rock all his life, other than his family of course, it's hard to build a connection with someone just as strong when things between the two of you never really ended, in a way.

Leaving on too good terms and without much closure for both of you kept one another thinking of each other. The two of you know, that after tonight, things would go back to normal, Yukhei would be Wayv’s Lucas, and you’d remain as his past, there would never be an outcome from whatever happens tonight.

So when the two of you were recalling memories and troubles the two of you got in school on the oh so comfortable bed, you couldn't help it, hooking a leg over Yukhei’s waist, just like how it started at the night of the graduation party, the night where the two of you lost your virginities to each other.

“I’d be gone tomorrow, we shouldn’t, I shouldn't do this to you,” Yukhei said, a firm believer that it's always the girl that is on the losing side, like he's taking an advantage of you, ever the gentleman.

“I want this for myself, Yukhei, it's not like it's our first time,” you said, trying to convince him.

“I still feel guilty about our first time, I left a few months later after that night, and tomorrow would be the same, I'll be leaving you once more,” Yukhei said as his big hands caressed your cheeks, eyes wide like a puppy, pupils reflecting an image of you, a perfect representation of his universe, you.

“I don't care, I’ve moved on from you as your girlfriend all those years ago, moving on from you after tonight won't be a challenge for me,” you said in a firm tone, one that Yukhei knows all too well, he knows you won't give up when you sound like this.

He could possibly break two hearts if he chooses to act on his impulses, but he missed this, he missed you, and so he threw all caution out of the window when he smashed his lips desperately against yours, chewing on your bottom lip with little force, it was something that would easily get you worked up back then, and to his delight, it still worked, letting him dominate the kiss easily, he let his tongue slid in your mouth, tasting the beer the two of you had just now with a mixture of strawberry lip gloss, you were still using the Nivea one you used all those years ago, this only fuelled his desire for you, his hands leaving your cheeks to locate your waist, pulling you closer to him.

When you were out of air, you broke off the kiss, reaching the hem of your shirt to pull it off, then waiting a few seconds for Yukhei to admire the red lace on your skin before unclasping your bra, letting your blossoms free, all the while as Yukhei looks on, like he was in a trance.

“I missed these,” he commented before taking a mound into his mouth, sucking on your nipple diligently while his other hand comes up to roll it in between the pads of his fingers, the pleasure from the action making you throw your head back, a slip of his name in between your whimpers.

You let Yukhei push you back, letting you fall onto his bed, you felt his hands wander up your skirt, his huge hands around your thighs, squeezing the flesh in his palms, feeling you, but stopped when he reached the hem of your panties, detaching himself from your chest, looking at you for confirmation.

You nodded at him, putting your hand over his to guide him higher, stopping at the curve of your cheek, pushing his hand beneath the clothe, dangerously close to your core, heck he could even feel your arousal already, eyes rolling back at the thought of getting you so worked up.

“Take it off, but you can leave the skirt, for old time’s sake,” you said.

Yukhei looked at you, confused at what you’re trying to say, until he realised you were wearing a pleated checkered skirt, just like the ones you wore back in high school, memories of the two of you sneaking around, having a quickie with your skirt flipped up immediately made blood rush southwards at the thought.

“Fuck, you expected this to happen?” Yukhei asked, shaking his head in disbelief, he was always the troublemaker at school, but oh how the tables have turned now.

“Didn't you?” you asked before getting up to put yourself in a doggy position, shaking your butt, taunting him.

Yukhei chuckled to himself before doing as you say, taking off your panties to reveal your slick covered pussy, dripping wet for him on display.

Yukhei spreads you open by pulling your cheeks apart to lick a stripe up your slit, making you shudder at the warm muscle that was intruding but very much welcomed.

Yukhei allowed himself to fully stuff his face there, inserting his tongue into your core, thrusting the wet muscle at a moderate pace before adding a finger to the mix, then two, stretching you open to let his tongue delve deeper inside, he then adds a third finger, the fullness finally hitting you, soon he did a come hither movement once he had located your sweet spot, his tongue and fingers rubbing against the roof of your walls deliciously, you would’ve lost your balance if it weren't for his hand supporting you by your left hip.

The constant pleasure that Yukhei so willingly inflicted upon you would've soon come to an euphoric end if he hadn’t halted all movement, pulling out his tongue and his fingers, which made you whine his name pathetically, something you wouldn't have done if it weren't for the fact that your mind was reduced to a ball full of cotton.

“Chill, I worked you up so I wouldn't hurt you with my dick,” Yukhei said as he positions himself at your entrance, his hand coming up to your face to tilt your head to his direction, zeroing on your lust filled eyes and the plump of your lips, swollen because of him.

“Are you sure you want this?” Yukhei asks you one last time.

“Yes, please,” you said, pushing yourself back to lightly grind on his length, a little bit of your arousal getting onto his cock, his dick getting so hard it's starting to hurt.

“Ever so eager, aren't you?” Lucas said before biting his lip at the sight.

“Just put it in!” you whined, tired of his teasing.

“Okay, okay,” Yukhei said before bracing himself for your tight walls, he's never nervous when it comes to others, but you? You always held a special place in his heart.

Yukhei spreads your cheeks once more before aligning himself to slip in an inch, eyebrows furrowing at how tight you were, he could tell you were clenching up, just like you did the first time when you were nervous.

So he bends down to your back, placing gentle kisses along your right shoulder blade.

“Don’t tense up, there’s nothing to be nervous about, we did this before remember?” Yukhei said in his most gentle tone ever, you nodded your head at his words, adjusting yourself to let yourself lose in the comfort of his touch, reminding yourself that although it's been a long time since you had someone as big as him, you’ll be fine in his hands.

Once Yukhei felt yourself unclench, he pushes in furthermore, you felt yourself arching your back to allow him to fit himself easier, before he comes to a halt, you felt so full, you haven't felt this way in such a long time, it was somewhat overwhelming, but it's the most complete feeling ever, a feeling you've never felt with any other.

The initial stretch was slightly painful of course, but the pain soon turned into pleasure, and being the gentleman Yukhei is, waited for you despite the huge urge to move, waiting for your green light.

When you told him he could move, he felt like the gates of heaven just opened, pulling out slightly to give you a shallow thrust, just to test the waters.

Even with that experimental thrust, you felt like you had a taste of heaven, eager to drown yourself in this new found pleasure that you were once so familiar with.

Yukhei grasped his large hands onto your hips, setting a moderate pace, still restraining himself from snapping his hips, but from how much slick you were dripping, soon you'd be begging for more.

Once you felt yourself familiarise with his big cock, the pace that Yukhei had set wasn’t enough, you wanted him to let loose, you wanted him to rail you, be damned if you can’t walk tomorrow.

So in the midst of all the pleasure, you let out two desperate words breathlessly, “ruin me”.

Yukhei had to do a double take, pausing his movements entirely just to check if that was his mind messing with him or it was really you, but one look at your desperate face, revealed to him that was in fact your words.

Yukhei allowed the animalistic side of him to take over, holding onto your hips that would sure leave bruises the next day, but you didn’t mind, not when you felt a sudden surge of pleasure coursing through your body. He angled your body higher, arching your back for easier access, thrusting harder and faster.

You could only submit yourself to him as your toes curled and your fingers dig into the linen sheets, you’re sure if his members were next door, they'd be able to hear every single sound you make, the sound of your ass cheeks clapping against Yukhei’s hips and your high pitched moans were flowing freely, but you didn't care, not when this could be the last time you'd ever be with Yukhei.

Soon, you could feel yourself getting closer to the edge, your legs were trying their best not to fail you, and you could tell your arms were getting sore from propping yourself up as the cord in your abdomen threatened to snap, you panted out the word ‘close’, and Yukhei immediately understood, fucking into you at an inhuman pace, you could feel yourself losing your mind as spit drips from your mouth, sanity slowly slipping away from you as you felt your impending orgasm, it started from the tip of your toes, your body convulsing as you screamed his name, succumbing into the pleasure, your core bursting, the strongest orgasm you've ever felt, making your whole body sag in defeat as you let Yukhei help you ride out your orgasm.

Just when you thought it was all over, Yukhei gently flipped you over, and that’s when you realised he hasn’t cum, so you lifted your legs higher to let him enter you once again, he was using you like his personal doll, and you love it a little bit too much to be considered normal, you struggled to keep your eyes open as you fought through the slight pain from the overstimulation, hearing Yukhei’s mumble of appreciation and endearments.

“Can you give me one more, babe? Just one more,” Yukhei said before circling his fingers around your clit, making your eyes snap open when you realise he wants you to cum once more, your hands coming up to push his hand away, but his other hand grasped onto yours.

“Just one more, please,” Yukhei begged with those puppy eyes of his, and how could you say no?

So you stopped struggling, nodding your head at his request before he quickens the pace of his hips and the ministrations on your clit.

Soon, you could feel Yukhei’s cock swelling inside you before he let out a groan of your name, thrusting in one last hard thrust before he painted your walls white, his lips capturing yours to silent you as you came once more, your nails digging into his shoulders, your eyes fluttering shut as you felt Yukhei ride out both your highs.

Once he was done, Yukhei crashed onto the bed beside you, his arms wrapping around yours, kissing your lips to distract you as he pulled out, hopping into the attached bathroom to bring out two towels, taking off your skirt before he gently cleans you up, when he was done he wiped the juices you left on him, your eyes growing big when you knew it was from when you squirted on him.

“Sorry, I didn’t realise I squirted,” you mumbled behind the hands that you had covering your embarrassed face.

Yukhei laughed at the cute sight, throwing the towel aside before climbing into bed again, removing your hands away from your face, kissing you deeply before looking at you in the eye.

“I loved it,” he said before pulling you closer, and almost instantly, you were lulled to sleep by the beating of his heart.

When you woke up, Yukhei was still snoring beside you, sleeping like a baby, you gently removed his hand from your waist, stepping out of the bed before gathering your clothes, putting them on, smoothing out the creases of your skirt.

Walking to the door, you glanced around once more at the sight of him, your heavy heart begging you to stay, to talk, and so you walked over to the night stand, ripping a piece of paper of the note pad and grabbing the pen next to it.

‘Goodbye and thank you for everything.’

You placed the piece of paper beside him on his pillow before kissing his forehead as a parting gift, closing the door as softly as you could when you left.

You knew this was the right thing to do, you made this decision once when he left for Korea the first time, you can't be in his way this time around, not when he's this far into his career, you can’t be selfish, he belongs on this path, he deserves it and you’re not going to take it away from him, you've stood on the side-lines all this time, he shed the limelight on you for one night, and that's all you should have, he's better off without you.

Yukhei felt himself grow cold when he couldn't feel the warmth of your body, jerking up to check if you were in the bathroom, only to find the door wide open, the room empty.

That's when he had spotted the piece of paper with your goodbye message, his heart clenching in pain, crashing onto the bed once more.

He didn't know what to expect, you had sent him off once, and now you left him without saying goodbye. He thought he could at least say goodbye.

Pushing his thoughts away, he gathered his things, packing up to leave for Korea.

His members could tell something was terribly off, they thought he was just in it for a casual hook up, but his expression tells otherwise.

The usual cheerful Yukhei was nowhere to be found, which meant Yang Yang and Hendery had to keep the mood light throughout the journey home, everyone knew to not say anything, only speaking when crucial.

It took Yukhei quite a while for him to get back to his goofy self, but even then, Kun, being the most observant one, saw a tightness in his smile, a faraway look in his eyes, whoever he had seen that night must've meant a lot to him, but he dare not to press, he knows Yukhei would open up when he's ready.

It was a normal Tuesday night when he had received a request to face time from you, without thinking much of it, excited to hear from you, he accepted, your beautiful face coming into view as he got comfortable on his bed.

“Hey, this is unexpected,” Yukhei said, not knowing what else to say.

“Yukhei, there’s something I need to tell you,” you said, eyes avoiding his.

“Yeah, what's up?” he asked, rubbing his nape, a habit he does whenever he's nervous.

“I'm um, I’m pregnant,” you said, choosing to not beat around the bush.

You could see Yukhei's face pale when he processed your words. Is it his? It's definitely his, it's almost a month since the two of you slept together, unless you slept with someone else?

“It's mine?” a dumb question, but he needs to know for sure.

“Yeah,” you said before the two of you come to a piercing silence.

“You could get an abortion, maybe?” Yukhei suggested after contemplating in his head, there’s no way he could be in the child’s life, and that's the best option for your sake, raising a child in Hong Kong is the most expensive thing to do, equivalent to buying a house there.

“I decided to keep it, Yukhei,” you said, glancing up to see the disbelief on his face.

“You can’t, you know I can't be there for you and you’re still so new in your job, you can't risk your life for this!” Yukhei said, not comprehending on why you'd do this to yourself.

“I already decided, Yukhei, and I don't expect you to take responsibility, this is my choice,” you said as tears threatened to flow.

“That isn't fair, it's not fair for the child! A child needs its father! You don't know what you're doing! Being a single mum is next to impossible in Hong Kong! You're putting the child in a horrible situation just for your selfishness!” Yukhei said before pushing his hair back, the feeling of an impending headache forming.

“How dare you say that?! I’ll raise this child perfectly on my own, I was just calling you to inform you of it, but since you don't want anything to do with it or me, I guess this is goodbye and don't call me anymore, I won't change my mind,” you said before your face disappeared from his phone screen.

Yukhei tried calling you immediately after, a day later, several weeks later, but you never picked up. Then he started stressing about his career, what would happen if someone were to find out? But he knows you as a person, and being a tell-tale is not one of your characteristics, yeah, he can just act like nothing happened, like he had never received this call.

He knows he's running away from his problems, but what other choice does he have?

Fast forwarding to July of 2021, Yukhei is home after his filming of the popular Chinese reality show in China, Keep Running, he feels at ease when he sees his family, finally reuniting with them, but only for a short two weeks time, before he has to leave for Korea once more.

It was a Friday night when his friends from home took him out for a drink, he was not so familiar with the clubbing scene in Hong Kong, but with the knowledge he has of this area, he knows many rich and young people often here, just like the girl kissing up his neck now, her soft hands running up the expanse of his thigh, getting dangerously close to where he wants her to be.

Yet Yukhei doesn’t remember her name, was it Candy? Apple? Some sort of name that had to do with food, he just remembered that she told him that she was an up and coming model, or trying to be anyways.

Just as she suggested to go to some hotel, Yukhei suggested for a quickie in the bathroom first, and so here he is now, being pushed to the door of a stall, her hands trying to unbuckle his belt.

Yukhei reached the back of his pocket for his wallet, opening it, looking for the condom he had placed there, but cursed when he realised he must've dropped it when he paid for drinks.

He told her to go back out and wait for him to get some, leaving the club and the musky smoke filled place behind him, the summer breeze blowing his hair all over, he brings the hood of his jacket up as he scans for a nearby convenience store, locating one at the street across.

When he got in, the scent of curry immediately greeted him, it was your favourite food, everyday after school, no doubt you'll drag him into one of these shops, just to share a bowl of curry fish balls, one of the most famous snacks here in Hong Kong.

He pushed the thought away, trudging to the aisle that was on the most right, where the condoms were at, hidden away from children. He took a box and made his way to the counter, opening his wallet to take out a few notes.

The cashier turned her back from stocking the cigarette shelf, scanning the box wordlessly.

“That would be 30,” she said when she looked up, but her hand immediately dropped the box when she saw who it was, and that's when Yukhei truly opened his eyes to see who it was, at first he was just miffed not knowing why the cashier froze, then he sees you, in the worn out 7 Eleven uniform, was you, the last person he’d be expecting.

“Why are you here? What happened to your job at the law firm? Why...” Yukhei didn't know how to ask, he didn't know if he deserved the right to ask, yet there's so many questions he had swarming in his head. Where is his child? Did you abort it in the end? Did you give it up for adoption? Were you fired from your job because of it?

“It's my shift right now, and you seem to be getting lucky tonight,” you said stiffly, holding up the box for him to see, sliding it across the counter

“It's for my friend actually,” Yukhei said, eyes avoiding yours, but immediately looking at you straight in the eyes, remembering how you use to be able to see right through him whenever he didn't do the revision work you've given him.

“Right,” you said, resisting to roll your eyes.

“You haven't answered me, why are you working here instead of the law firm?” Yukhei pressed.

You sigh at his persistence, not knowing what to say to humour him, so you didn't say anything, getting back to rearranging the shelves.

Yukhei bit his lip, not knowing what to say to you, but a million questions in his head, desperate for answers.

“Please leave if you're done with your purchases,” you said, you had a long day, and the thought of entertaining him was not something you want to add on your plate.

Yukhei looked around the store once more, grabbing a bowl of instant noodles from the shelf before making his way once more to the cashier.

“I’d like to have this here,” Yukhei said before pulling out some spare change from just now.

“Yukhei, what are you trying to do?” you asked in an exasperated tone, there's no point making small talk when there's no way the two of you would ever cross in each other’s lives ever again.

“I'm hungry, I want to eat noodles,” which wasn’t really a lie, all the alcohol he drank before gave him an appetite.

You sighed, turning your back to him, soundlessly waited for the water to boil before pouring it into the cup, sealing the top for it to cook. As you worked, Yukhei was having déjà vu, this was an all too familiar sight, nights at the convenience store studying till late at night in groups, you'd always share noodles with him as you taught him some dumb math formula that no one uses in their life after school.

He takes his bowl of noodles, opting to sit at the place closest to the counter, just looking at you, eating as slow as humanly possible.

When it was around three, you received a call.

“Hello?”

“...”

“You think you have a stomach ache? Celine jia is asleep? Okay, mama’s coming home okay?” you said frantically before shutting off the stove of the food at the counter, running to the back for a pack of meds, depositing some money into the register. You looked at Yukhei, frozen at his seat, cursing at yourself for not going into the back room before picking up the call.

“You need to go, I have something to deal with,” you said as you grabbed your bag, turning off all the switches in one go, making the place pitch black other than the lights from the lamp posts outside.

“Is that my child?” Yukhei asked, he can't allow himself to act like it never happened before, he ran away once, it's time to man up and shoulder on his responsibilities.

“No I fucked another guy before you and it's his child,” you deadpanned.

You walked down the street to flag for a taxi that is always parked there to get their club goer customers, Yukhei hot on your heels, you turned back to look at him questioningly.

“This is none of your concern, don’t follow me,” you said in a rather seething tone, you didn't mean to sound like that, but if he's going to be in the way of your child, then he’s not a friend.

“That's my child too, I want to know how they are, I have a right to do so, you studied law, you should know,” Yukhei retorted in the most friendly way possible, he knows he's in the wrong, but he wants to ensure his child’s safety.

“For fuck’s sake,” you cursed aloud before stepping into the taxi, leaving the door open for him.

You told the driver your address, sitting back to think of what's the problem, the kindergarten shouldn't be the culprit, it's a school with a good reputation, which also burns a hole in your wallet, but you don't mind, and it's not like you have much of a choice, education is deadly expensive here.

About 20 minutes later, you've reached home.

“That'll be 150, miss,” the driver said.

“What?!”

“Fares are different after midnight, miss,” the driver reminded you.

Before you could check if you had enough money on you, Yukhei paid for it wordlessly.

You got out of the car, rushing into the building and running up the stairs as quick as you can, unlocking the door, jabbing the keys into the rusty lock.

Taking off your shoes before you made your way to your room, spotting your son crouched in the corner of your bed, hands around his stomach.

“Hey, mama's home, I'll get you a glass of water to take your medicine okay?” you said before hurrying out, Yukhei passing you a glass of water at the kitchen.

“Thanks,” you mumbled before making your way back inside.

You open the package and passed you son a tablet, but looking at the size, you knew he’d panic to swallow something this big, so you broke it in half, telling him to drink a big gulp of water to wash it down and it'll be fine.

All the while, Yukhei was watching with wonder leaning by the door frame, even in the dim lights and the fact that he's still quite young, he could still identify his eyes on his son, the strong genes in his family, his father and brother all had those eyes, this boy is most definitely his.

The boy diligently does as you told him, taking a big gulp of water, so obedient, and from the way the two of you communicate, very mature for his age, nothing like the usual three year old.

When he was done, he noticed Yukhei’s presence, tugging your sleeve to whisper into your ear, eyes trained on him.

“That's a friend of mine, love, be polite, say hi to Yukhei gogo,” you urged.

Yukhei took this as a sign to get closer to his son, squatting down to meet his eye.

“You’re a handsome boy, what's your name? I’m Yukhei and I’m 22 this year, how about you?” Yukhei asked as he reached out his hand for the little boy to shake.

“I’m Wenghei, 3 years old. Why have I never seen you before gogo?” the child asks, looking at him with curious eyes, he's met some of your friends, but he's definitely haven't met him before, most people aren't as tall here, or not in his mother's circle anyways.

“Get some rest, love,” you said, tucking him into bed.

“Okay,” he said, a yawn coming out from his mouth.

You closed the door behind you, directing Yukhei to the small living room area, serving him a glass of water.

You walked to the trash bin, opening the lid to check its contents, a scowl on your face when you saw the root of your son’s stomach ache when you spot the plastic container that contained the two day old pizza from the freezer. Your roommate, Celine, must’ve gave him some as dinner, usually you'd leave some money for Celine to buy him dinner, but she must've been tight on money again, trying to find ways to squeeze in some spare change, you've warned her of her spending habits, always splurging on albums of her favourite stars, which reminds you.

“You have to go, I’m living with a roommate and I'm sure she's going to recognise you,” you said, a hand gesturing at the door.

“Wait, did you find out why he had a stomach ache?” Yukhei asked.

“Yeah, he ate something he shouldn't have for dinner, you have to go, I need some rest for tomorrow,” you said, struggling to keep your eyes open.

“Do you have anything on tomorrow? Can I see you, perhaps?” Yukhei asked, he didn't know what he wanted to talk about, but he just had to see you again.

“I’m tutoring a student at a coffee shop tomorrow, you can come right after,” you said, thinking that he just wants to know more about his son.

“Okay, goodnight then,” Yukhei said awkwardly as he walks towards the door.

“Goodnight,” you said, feeling a weight on your chest, dreading tomorrow’s meeting.

When Yukhei arrived at the café, he could see you sitting at the way back, a teenage girl sitting in front of you, back facing him, he sipped on his latte, observing you silently.

Your hair is much longer than it had been in high school, the bag hung by your chair very much worn out, and your eye bags were heavier than on days where Yukhei would stay up to prepare for promotions.

Soon, the student was packing up, leaving the table, Yukhei took this as a sign to move to your table. You had stood up to greet him, and that's when he saw, you had lost lots of weight, and he's not meaning it in a fitness way, he recognised the jeans you are wearing, you had these even back then, they used to be a perfect fit for you, that's why they were your favourite, but now, you were wearing a belt to hold it together, and still he could see how loose it was.

“Hey, you didn't order anything?” Yukhei asked, noting that the cup of coffee he saw just now belonged to your student.

“I got a coffee in my flask, cheaper that way,” you said as you packed up your stationaries.

“What did you have for breakfast? How about I order you a piece of cake?” Yukhei suggested, looking back to see what they have today.

“It's alright, I'm not hungry, why don't we get straight to the point? What is it you want to ask about Wenghei?” you asked, noting the time on your watch, you have to leave around noon to fetch your son from pre school.

“I, how about you? Why did you leave the firm? And how’s your parents?” Yukhei started off.

“Well, they said I would’ve been an embarrassment to the firm, you know, pregnant and unmarried, so they told me to leave, it's not like filing could be done with a big weight in my stomach, so I did as they said. Now I tutor kids English and work the night shift at the convenience store, and as for my parents, they kicked me out,” you said, laying down the cards, no point avoiding his questions, especially not when you're in a hurry.

Yukhei nodded at your words, registering the fact that he had a fault in ruining your hot shot lawyer dreams and completely destroyed your sensitive relationship with your parents, how is he ever going to forgive himself?

“I’m sorry,” Yukhei said, he didn't know what else to say, how could he make it up to you and your son? Will you let him even if he could?

“Don't be, this is on the both of us, are you going to ask about the share custody stuff? If so, I don't think we should continue this conversation, Wenghei doesn’t know who you are, and maybe that's the best case scenario, what point would be made if he knew you were his father but you're not in our lives? It'll break his heart. You've seen him now, maybe you can reconnect with him when he's older, I think you should just say goodbye before you go, if you want,” you said, saying these harsh words aloud wasn’t easy, you’re not entirely a cold hearted bitch, but it's for the best that your son didn’t know about his father, no one wants to know the fact that their father abandoned them twice, some truths are better to be untold.

“Can I see him one last time, maybe tonight? For dinner? I'm leaving in two days,” Yukhei said in a defeated tone.

“Yeah, sure, I'll take the shift off tonight,” you said, eyes avoiding his, you could just tell he’d have those sad puppy eyes on his face right now, you don't need anymore guilt in your heart.

“Hey man, where were you?” Jackson asked Yukhei, who was waiting for him at the harbour, they were going to Macau for a day trip today, his friend isn't late for the boat, but they did schedule to meet 15 minutes earlier.

“Something came up, and I need to head back around 7, there’s some people I need to see,” Yukhei said as they boarded the boat.

“So that leaves us 5 hours, should be enough,” Jackson said, checking his watch.

“I’m sorry about this, man, it just came up suddenly,” Yukhei said as they took their seats, apologetic because they have been talking about this trip for a long time now.

“It's okay, dude, but what's up? You look really stressed,” Jackson asked, taking in Yukhei's clenched jaw and furrowed brows, a stark contrast from his usually carefree expression.

“It's a long story,” Yukhei said as he mindlessly watches the sea from the little window of his seat.

“Well, if you don't mind, this is a 45 minutes journey, maybe we'll be able to find a solution together, what are friends for am I right?” Jackson offered, he wouldn't press his friend if he didn't want to tell him about it, but the two of them have been close ever since going on knowing brothers, coming from the same home country and everything.

And so Yukhei, for the first time, told his friend his long love story.

“You know, I think I have a solution for you, but let me ask you one thing first, do you still love her?” Jackson asked as he ate his pork chop bun, Macau’s famous local snack.

Yukhei pondered over his friend’s question, yes the two of you agreed to break up, but all the girls he dated after you, all had similar features or personality traits to you, he had dismissed it as just a type, but now that he had seen you again, he realised that the hole in his heart was always emptied for you, you were the missing puzzle piece all along.

“You don't even have to answer me, your face tells all man,” Jackson said, an oily finger wagging at the direction of his face.

“Yeah, I think I do,” Yukhei said with a sigh, “but even if I still love her, that doesn’t mean she loves me back, and what if we do love each other? We're living oceans apart,” Yukhei said in a defeated tone.

“Now here comes my solution, so you said she got fired from her law firm and is now tutoring kids and doing the night shift at 7 E, and got kicked out by her shitty parents, so she really doesn't have anything else here for her other than her son, why don't you suggest get to move with you? To Korea? It'll be way easier for the two of you to raise your son, even if the two of you don't get back together, I mean, at least you'll be able to financially support them, that is what you're willing to do right?” Jackson asked, hoping that his friend would uptake his part of the child support.

“Yeah, of course I want that, I just don't know what she'll say, or if she'd be willing, she doesn't speak the language and it's an entirely different environment,” Yukhei said, thinking back the days where he had a tough time adjusting.

“From what you told me, she sounds like a tough nut, but of course, this is all up to you, but just so you know, I would really like to be his godfather, and as for your doubts of her love towards you, she did name him after you, isn't it the same Hei?” Jackson said with a hearty chuckle, he could just imagine the fun they'll have together, he was always fond of children.

“Yeah, I’ll persuade her on this,” Yukhei said, he could already feel himself getting nervous for tonight’s dinner, it can’t be that much of a coincidence that his son’s last name resembled his right? Or is he and Jackson just being delusional?

“Now that's my buddy, now come on, finish your food so that we’ll make it in time for the next batch of Portuguese egg tarts, I remember they have a fresh batch around 4,” Jackson said, mouth salivating at the thought of more food.

When you arrived at the restaurant, it was fancier than what you had expected, feeling underdressed among the rich elite of Hong Kong in your old dress that you wear for every special occasion.

You asked if there was a reservation under your name, since Yukhei said he had it booked under you, and almost immediately, since not that many people can afford places like these, the waiter led you in.

“Mama, what is this place? We've never ate here before,” your son asked you.

“It's a French cuisine restaurant, we’re meeting gogo here, remember him? Or were you too sick that day?” you said as you placed him on the baby chair you had requested for.

“Yeah, I remember,” your son said as he looks around in awe, registering the pretty chandeliers that look so sparkly.

When the waiter handed you a menu, someone had joined your table, his hoodie pulled up so no one would recognise him, pulling it down when he saw that there wasn't any other customers around.

“Sorry, am I late?” Yukhei asked with a sheepish smile, a hand lifting up to check the time.

“No, we’re just early, say hi to Yukhei gogo, love,” you directed the last part to your son, patting his little hand to get his attention, smiling immediately when he lands on the tall figure.

“Gogo, you're here,” your son said excitedly, making grabby hands at him, letting his father carry him with a large smile on his face.

“Hey, buddy, don't you look excited to see me?” Yukhei said before blowing raspberry at his neck, making the young boy giggle.

What you didn't expect was to see someone coming up behind Yukhei, a little bit shorter and smaller in built, but when he pulled his hoodie down, you instantly recognised who it was.

“Jackson Wang?” you asked, blinking your eyes a few times to see if you were hallucinating.

“Hey, it’s nice to finally meet you, you look lovely tonight, and you must be little Wenghei, aren't you adorable, how about Jackson gogo take you out to buy toys, huh? I saw a big toy store just across the street, but only if your ma says yes of course,” Jackson said, giving you a side eye to Yukhei.

“Yeah, sure,” you said, it's not like the Jackson Wang is going to kidnap your son right?

“Don’t worry, I’ll watch him with my life,” Jackson said as Yukhei passes his son over to him, leaving the restaurant with his hood up once more.

“Is there something you'd like to say?” you asked Yukhei after he had taken the seat across you his hands were shaking slightly as he holds up the menu.

“I... I still love you. And I know I must sound like a jerk to you, hell I’d go back in time just to hit myself for running away, I'm really sorry for that. What I did was inexcusable, my career just stabilised at that time, and I was under immense stress from SM, you have every right to be mad at me, but I want to be apart of your life again, apart of Wenghei’s life as well, if you could let me have this second chance, I'll do anything to make the both of you happy,” Yukhei said in one breath, reciting what he had practised over and over again with Jackson in the car.

“Yukhei, I,” you were lost for words, you thought you were saying goodbye once more, that Yukhei and you would always end up in goodbyes, but now here he is, saying he loves you.

“Yukhei, you can't just say you love me for the sake of our son, and neither would you need to take responsibility for him, I chose to have him, and as for love, we can never be together, you’re an international super star now, and you're living in Korea, I don't think I have the energy to be in a long distance relationship with you, that would take a toll on Wenghei too, how am I going to explain to him that his father is in another country? He’ll always question your love for him and I don't want that,” you said, trying to hold in the tears that had built up in your eyes, your throat closing up, the cold facade you built for yourself crumbling down before his eyes.

“You can move to Korea, both of you, we can be a family,” Yukhei pleaded, his hands reaching forward to hold yours, his eyes searching yours.

“We can’t, what if we break up? What if your so called love for me, is just something you feel as a result of our child? You can't uproot the two of us when there's so many uncertainties, especially our emotions,” you said, you don't want either of you to be stuck in a relationship for the sake of raising a child, no one would be happy in the end.

“Love, you don't understand, I've never had a serious relationship after you, I tried, I really did, but I’d always think of you instead, how badly I wanted you instead of someone who reminds me of you, the thing is, I’ve always loved you, and I think you still love me too, or you wouldn't have named our son after me, am I right?” Yukhei hoped, why else would you come up with that name right?

Damn it, you thought to yourself, he saw right through you, maybe you shouldn't have named your son after him.

You looked at him and looked away, darn those puppy eyes, you’re sure you’re crying now, and Yukhei reaching over to wipe away your tears just confirmed it.

“I love you, it's always been you, only you,” Yukhei confessed.

“I, I love you too, Yukhei, and I was never mad at you for running away from us, I know how tough that industry is, but what if your fans find out about us?” you asked, slightly worried that he might lose it like last time.

“Then so be it, true fans would stay,” he said in an affirmative tone, reassuring you.

“You promise?” you asked, holding out your pinky, it would’ve been a funny sight to see if anyone saw the two of you now, crying and smiling at the same time.

“I promise,” Yukhei said before hooking his own pinky to connect with yours.

“If you leave us, Wong Yukhei, I’ll murder you in your sleep,” you said as threatening as you could sound.

“I plan to see our son grow up, so I'll value my life,” Yukhei said in utmost sincerity before grabbing a napkin to wipe away all your tears, you’re glad that you didn't wear any mascara today.

Just when Yukhei wiped away the tears in his eyes, Jackson was back with your bubbly child, his arm had bags digging into his flesh.

“Oh my god, that's too much, Wenghei why did you get so many, this is Jackson gogo’s hard earned money,” you said, lecturing your son.

“It's okay, he's an angel, this was all on me, and I guess things went well?” Jackson asked, eyes darting to your connected hands.

“Yeah,” you said, the biggest smile you had on your face.

“That's great to hear, I always wanted to be an uncle, now if you’ll excuse me, I don't think I should crash this family reunion any longer,” Jackson said giving his best friend a hug before leaving.

“So... What do you like to eat Wenghei? How about we get crème brulé,” Yukhei asked, pointing at the menu with childlike eyes, reminding you of the days where he’d get ice cream with you, splitting it on half for you to share.

“Sounds delicious.”

You let Yukhei order everything, sharing between the three of you while the three of you talked, Yukhei mostly directed the questions at his child, asking about his interests, his favourites of everything, ranging from colour to ice cream, eager to make up for loss time.

“How about we talk about where you'll be staying?” Yukhei asked after ordering dessert.

“Oh, I don't know what I'll be able to afford, I'll probably get another convenience store job again, so the rent can't be too high,” you said, dreading the thought of needing to learn a new language quickly for a job.

“Hey, you don't need to work anymore, nor pay rent, I already looked it up, there's an empty unit in our condo, the soundproofing might be a bit lacking, but that wouldn't be a problem if you don't sing in the shower like Dejun, we had a few noise complaints because of him,” Yukhei said, laughing at the fond times he had at the dorms.

“Yukhei, I know housing is really expensive there, are you sure you want to do this?” you asked once more, you don't want him to resent the financial burden the two of you would add onto him.

“What did I say to you just now? I said what I meant, I want the two of you to be in my life, forever. And don't worry about money, I saved up plenty and there’s many more jobs coming up for me, and moving out of the dorms would be the next step of adulthood to me, and we’ll get to spend so much more time together, right Wenghei?” Yukhei asked, pinching your son’s chubby cheeks teasingly.

“We’ll be living together, Yukhei gogo?” your son asked, a confused expression on his face, he had his attention trained on some pink fong video, something about dinosaurs.

“Yeah, Wenghei, we’ll be moving out of our little room, are you excited? We're going to a new country. Remember the dramas I watched with you? Korea has that big outdoor theme park you said you always wanted to go, and snow, you'll get to make snowmen during the winter,” you persuaded, hoping he won’t fuss too much about the move.

“Really? There’s snow in Korea?” your son asked, excited about the winter scene he’ll get finally see in real life.

“Yeah, real snow, not the bubbles in Disney land, are you excited?”

“Yeah, is Jackson gogo going to stay with us too?” your son asked, eyes darting to his new goodies before looking at you expectantly.

“Well, Jackson gogo has his own house and we have ours, but we can always visit him,” Yukhei explained.

“Hehe, okay,” your son said before getting distracted by the crème brulé set in front of him, digging in immediately.

“When do you want us to make the move?” you asked, thinking of all the things you have to pack, which isn't a lot, but you might have to courier some of your clothes over first.

“Whenever you want, I'll get our home ready as soon as possible, is there anything you need in the house? Other than the basics of course,” Yukhei asked, uncertain of any needs you have as a woman or maybe for your son.

“Can we have a study room for Wenghei? With a desk and shelves? We love to read, and he'll need a proper desk when he's older,” you asked, hoping it wasn't too much.

“Yeah, sure, I'll be sure to get it done,” Yukhei said, noting it down into his phone.

“But it's no rush on the study room part, he's just three after all, before I go, I have to apply visas for both of us,” you said, dreading the thought of filling up paperwork, you haven't done much of that ever since you left the law firm.

“Call me if you need any help on that, I'm sure my manager knows how to,” Yukhei said.

“You’re going to tell your company about us?” you asked, knowing how strict Korean entertainment companies are.

“They can't let me go just because of having my own family, they didn't let Jongdae, my senior, go, so we’ll be fine, I promise,” Yukhei said, reaching a hand over to hold yours reassuringly, his eyes looking into yours, filled with love and adoration.

“Okay, now how about we walk around the complex until 10? Wenghei doesn't have school tomorrow,” you suggested.

“Yeah, sure, we could even stay out later if you want,” Yukhei said enthusiastically, getting up slightly to call for the bill.

“You have a flight to catch tomorrow,” you reminded him in your motherly voice, which you regretted almost instantly, cursing yourself, reminding yourself to act more like an actual 22 year old, but Yukhei didn't say anything about it, hiding his smile by nodding deeply, almost like a bow.

“Okay, I just wanted to spend more time with the two of you,” Yukhei said, stopping when he saw the waiter coming back with the credit card machine, paying with just a glance at the bill.

The three of you spent your remaining time shopping and at the arcade, playing games with your son, Yukhei had insisted on getting you a new pair of sneakers, but you shot him down when he wanted to buy more stuff, especially toys for Wenghei.

“You can buy him toys when we’re there, it'll cost even more to ship more stuff over, and there's a risk of damaging the toys as well,” you said.

But of course your son threw a fit at the shop, all for some legos.

“Hey, buddy, I'll buy you lots the next time I see you, okay? I'll buy you one that's even bigger than this,” Yukhei said, squatting down next to his son, and even then he wasn't eye level with him, sometimes you forget how tall Yukhei actually is until you see a scene like this, or when you stand really close to him.

When it was 10pm, painful goodbyes were exchanged with a promise of face timing everyday, your son cried, and held onto his father dearly, and you haven't even told him Yukhei was his dad, but their bond is evident.

Yukhei held onto you and your son until his taxi came, and you waved until you couldn't see the taillights.

It's been a month since that fateful reunion, and Yukhei has squeezed in face times, calls, and texts in between schedules, giving you and your son time despite his busy career.

His company wasn’t too happy about it of course, but was somewhat glad that you weren't one to babble your business to gossip outlets.

You're now packing your things, one last time, you've been to the post office multiple times before to courier out your stuff to Korea, and every time a box reached his address, Yukhei would take a photo of it, telling you the stuff arrived safely.

Progress on your new home was quick, since it was already a fully furnished unit, Yukhei only needed to buy some furniture and things that cater to your son’s needs, he even picked out a pre school that teaches mandarin, perfect for your son’s adjustment in such a foreign country.

Tomorrow you'd be flying to Korea, a new country, a new start, but there was something clouding your mind, something you've been dreading, but today is the day you’ll tell him.

“Wenghei, can you come to mama for a second?” you asked, soon hearing your son’s tiny footsteps nearing you.

“Yes, mama?” your son asked, a hand around his precious teddy.

“There's something I need to tell you,” you said holding him close to you, letting him sit onto your lap.

“Remember how you asked me why you didn't have a baba while all your other classmates did?” you asked, trying to word it as nicely as possible.

“You said my baba had a really big responsibility, that he couldn't see us because of it, that he'll come back when he's free,” your son answered you, struggling to remember more details.

“Yes, good job, Wenghei, your memorising skills are getting better. Well, your baba is actually Yukhei gogo, he’s back now, and we can finally be a family again,” you said before holding in a breath, not knowing how he’ll react.

“Baba is Yukhei gogo? That's why we’re going to Korea?” your son asked, confusion written on his face.

“Yeah, do you like that he's your baba?” you asked, this could be the most important question ever.

“Yeah, mama, do you love baba? Does baba love you as much as I do?” your son asked, which very much surprised you, but expecting this sort of maturity from him.

“Yes, we love each other, and both of us love you as much too,” you said with a pinch of his chubby cheeks.

“Do we ever have to be separated from baba again?” your son asked, scared of losing his newfound father.

“No, never again, and can you do me one favour, Wenghei? I think the next time when you see your baba, you should run up to him and say hi baba, he’ll be very happy to hear you call him that,” you suggested, imagining the look on Yukhei’s face.

Your son giggled at the thought of making his father happy, agreeing immediately.

“Okay, now go to sleep, it's going to be your first time flying tomorrow,” you said, ushering him onto the bed.

“Okay, goodnight, mama,” your son said to you, just like he did every other night, he seemed to have accepted it very easily, maybe it was due to his age, but some day he might ask his father about his departure personally when he understands more, but that’s a hardship that’s reserved for another day.

The flight was relatively short, though it was rather hard for Wenghei at the start because of the pressure he had experienced in his ears, the crying and whining got you plenty of dirty looks from passengers around you, but you paid no mind to it, you’ve been through worst so this is nothing that can faze you.

When you got there, you saw a lady holding up a plaque with your name on it, her phone in her hand, checking all the moms who came out of the same lane as you.

She had a friendly smile on her face when she saw you, introducing herself in mandarin, being one of Wayv’s staff, a trusted one, according to Yukhei.

She talked to you about Yukhei in general, even giving your son a bar of mini KitKat, praising him for being brave on the flight after she had asked you how was your flight.

Around half an hour later, you've reached your new home, a nice looking condominium that looked about a few years old.

Unloading took quite some time, even with the help of the staff, but what surprised you was the person who was waiting for you inside the lobby.

“You're here!” you said surprised at the sight of the giant.

“Yeah, I am, wanted to give you a surprise, sorry I couldn't be outside, some crazy fans camp outside, can’t let them bring you and Wenghei any harm,” Yukhei said as he carried Wenghei, spinning in a small circle, looking at him with full of love.

“I understand, don't worry, I'm not a teenager girl anymore,” you said as you checked out the place, the sitting area had a couch set and free WiFi, this is a 180 from the living conditions in Hong Kong.

“Baba, did you miss me?” your son asked when he had stopped giggling from his father’s spins, which instantly ceased to a halt, eyes growing as wide as saucers.

“What did you call me? Say it again,” Yukhei said with the biggest smile on his face, all of his teeth were showing.

“Mama said you were my Baba,” Wenghei said like it was as simple as two plus two.

“Yeah... I am your baba, and you're my son,” Yukhei said before holding his son even closer, you could even see the tears at the corner of his eyes.

“Why don't we go see our new home Wenghei?” you suggested, seeing that some people have came out from the lifts, typical going to work hours.

You walked a feet away from Yukhei, not wanting to draw attention, holding onto the lift for Yukhei to bring all your luggage in.

Once you were at your level, you started loosening up, noticing that no one was around.

“This is my members’ unit,” Yukhei said pointing at a door, “And this is ours,” Yukhei said before opening the door for you, welcoming you into a warmly decorated home, every piece of furniture was placed and chose to accommodate your child, all the corners were covered with this e rubber safety stickers.

He showed you into Wenghei's room where the bed had all his favourite characters in the form of a plushie, his bed was soft when you sat down on it, and the blanket he had picked out was a soft fleece material, perfect for the cold weather.

Your son was going around every corner, awing at everything his father had gotten him, especially the Lego sets that were on his desk.

“Thank you, it's beautiful, his room,” you said when Yukhei wrapped an arm around your waist, bringing you closer to him, god how much you've missed his warmth.

“Go take a look at your room,” Yukhei said before pulling your hand into the direction of the master bedroom, welcoming you into a room with a king size bed and silk linen sheets, an aesthetic looking vanity that you've always wanted as a teenager, now as well of course, and a little reading corner just for you by the window.

“It's all I've ever wanted,” you said in disbelief, not knowing how could Yukhei pull this off in such a short time.

“You like it? I got some help from my members, especially Kun for the kitchen, you should check it out afterwards, you always wanted a big kitchen area,” Yukhei said as you laid on the bed, giving your stiff body a rest from the journey.

“Lay down with me for a while, I’m a bit tired from the flight,” you said, making grabby hands at him.

“Nah, I shouldn’t, this is your bed,” Yukhei said, looking flustered.

“Wong Yukhei, I’ve had your child and now you're acting all innocent?” you asked in an accusing tone, playing with him, which made him lay down next to you immediately, he didn't like getting you angry, thinking back all those days when you had lectured him just like that when he forgot to do his homework.

“You want me to sleep here?” Yukhei asked carefully, observing your expressions.

“This is our bedroom, where else do you want to sleep?” you asked, but was promptly cut off by Yukhei's lips on yours, smiling as he kissed you, gentle but expressing all his love for you, a hand lingering on your back, guiding you closer than him.

Many mistakes that had to be made had guided you here, but you've never regretted, for if it wasn't for the hardships and the crossroads, you wouldn't have found a home with the man you'll cross oceans for.

The end.

[samwisethewitch]

Everything You Need to Know About Pagan Deity

As you’ve probably guessed by now, there are many, many, many different approaches to deity within the wider pagan community. While it would be impossible to summarize all of these different perspectives in a single blog post, this post contains some common themes and best practices that are more or less universal and can be adapted to fit whatever system you choose to work with.

In my Baby Witch Bootcamp series, I talk about the “Four R’s” of working with spiritual beings, including deities: respect, research, reciprocity, and relationship. However, when it comes to gods and goddesses specifically, I think it’s important to include a fifth “R” — receptivity.

If you’re completely new to this kind of work and want to avoid making rookie mistakes and/or pissing off powerful spiritual forces, sticking to the Five R’s of Deity Relationships is a good place to start. The Five R’s are:

Respect. It’s always a good idea to have a healthy respect for the powers you choose to connect with, whether you see those powers as literal gods and goddesses or as archetypes within the collective unconscious (see below). While not every ritual needs to be incredibly formal and structured, you should always conduct yourself with an air of respect and reverence when connecting with deity. There’s no need to humble yourself to the point of cowering before the gods (and in fact, this kind of behavior is a turnoff for many deities), but you should strive to be polite and follow your system’s proper protocol for things like cleansing, offerings, and prayers.

Research. I am of the opinion that you should do serious research into a god or goddess before any attempt to make contact with them. This can be controversial, but in my own experience things seem to go more smoothly when I know what I’m doing. Books are really the way to go for this — the Internet can be useful for connecting with other worshipers and hearing their stories, but it isn’t a good source for nonbiased factual information. I recommend starting with academic sources written by secular experts for a purely historical account that won’t be colored by personal religious experience. Once you have a decent understanding of the basic historical context, look for books by pagan authors who have experience working with this deity. These sources will give you a framework for your own interactions with them.

Reciprocity. As we’ve discussed before, reciprocity is a core value of virtually every pagan tradition. Reciprocity is a mutual positive exchange where all parties benefit in some way, and this quality forms the backbone of all healthy relationships with deity. While we benefit from connecting with the gods, the gods also benefit from our worship. Upholding reciprocity in your relationships with deity means making regular offerings to show your appreciation as well as living in a way that your god or goddess approves of.

Relationship. At the end of the day, connecting with a god or goddess is about creating a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Like any relationship, it takes time and effort to keep the connection alive. The gods are living, thinking, feeling beings just like you and me, though on a much larger scale. Just like you and me, they have likes and dislikes and require certain things from those who want to work closely with them. Try to approach the gods as individuals, and connect with them as you would with another person. This will naturally lead to much more authentic and organic relationships.

Receptivity. To be receptive is to be open and ready to receive whatever comes your way — this is an essential quality for anyone who is serious about connecting with a god or goddess. Connecting with the gods means allowing them a place in your life, whatever they choose to bring with them. It means forming a relationship with them on their terms, and that requires us to give up a certain degree of control. While you should never feel afraid or completely out of control when connecting with deity (if you do, stop contacting that deity immediately), you may very well experience things you did not expect or ask for. Be prepared for these surprises, and understand that when the gods surprise us in this way, they do it in order to help us grow. Let go of any preconceived ideas about what a relationship with this deity “should” look like, and instead let it unfold naturally.

Though there is much more to working with deity than just these values, keeping these values in mind will get you started out on the right foot in your relationships with the gods.

Deity or Archetype?

As odd as it may sound, not everyone who connects with the gods through study and ritual believes those gods to be literal spiritual beings. Some pagans (I would even say the majority of pagans, based on my personal experience) connect with the gods as individuals with their own personalities and agency, but others connect with them as symbols that represent different elements of the human experience. This latter group is working with the gods not as deity, but as archetypes.

The term “archetype” comes from academia, particularly the fields of psychology and literary analysis. An archetype is a symbol that embodies the fundamental characteristics of a person, thing, or experience.

Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung argued that archetypes are powerful symbols within the collective unconscious (basically an ancestral memory shared by all of humanity) that arise due to shared experiences across cultures. For example, Jung would argue that Demeter, Juno, and Frigg all represent the “Mother” archetype filtered through different cultural lenses, reflecting the important role of mothers across Greek, Roman, and Old Norse culture. For Jung and his followers, archetypes allow us to connect to latent parts of our own psyche — by connecting with the Mother archetype, for example, you can develop motherly qualities like patience, empathy, and nurturing.

For comparative mythology expert Joseph Campbell, archetypes represented types of characters that appear in some form in most or all global mythology. In his book, The Hero of a Thousand Faces, Campbell identified the “hero’s journey” as the archetypal narrative framework on which most stories, from ancient myths to modern films, are based. (If you’ve taken literally any high school literature class, you’re probably familiar with Campbell’s work.) Like Jung, Campbell has been hugely influential on modern pagans who choose to connect with the gods as archetypes.

Working with an archetype is a little different than working with a deity. For one thing, while archetypes may manifest as gods and goddesses, they can also manifest as fictional characters, historical figures, or abstract symbols. Let’s say you want to tap into the Warrior archetype. You could connect with this archetype by working with gods like Mars, Thor, or Heracles — but you could just as easily do so by working with superheroes like Luke Cage or Colossus, literary figures like Ajax or Achilles, or the abstract concepts of strength and honor.

When pagans worship a deity, it’s because they want to form a relationship with that deity for some reason. But when pagans work with an archetype, it’s usually because they want to embody aspects of that archetype. In our above example, you may be trying to connect to the Warrior archetype to gain confidence or become more assertive.

The biggest difference between worshiping a deity and working with an archetype is that a deity is an external force, while an archetype is an internal force. When you connect with a deity, you are connecting with a spiritual being outside of yourself — a being with their own thoughts, feelings, and drives. When you connect with an archetype, you are connecting with a part of your own psyche. Because of this, archetypes tend to be more easily defined and behave in more predictable ways than deities, although some archetypes can be very complex and multi-faceted.

On the surface, worship and archetype work might be very similar, but the “why” behind the action is fundamentally different.

If you choose to worship the Morrigan, for example, you may have an altar dedicated to her, make regular offerings to her, speak with her in meditations and astral journeys, and/or write poetry or make art in her honor. If you choose to work with the Wild Woman archetype, it may look very similar to an outside observer — you may have an altar dedicated to the Wild Woman energy, speak with manifestations of Wild Woman (perhaps including the Morrigan) in meditation, and write poetry or make art dedicated to this archetype. However, these actions will have a very different intent behind them. Your Wild Woman altar is not a sacred space but a visual trigger to help you connect to the Wild Woman within you. Your meditations are conversations with different aspects of your own personality, not with a separate being. Your art is an expression of self, not a devotional act. The result is a deeper connection to yourself, not a relationship with another being.

I hope I’ve made it clear that archetype work and deity worship can both be very worthwhile spiritual practices, and that each serves its own purpose. Many pagans, myself included, work with both deities and archetypes.

There is some overlap between worshiping a deity and working with an archetype, and many pagans start out with one practice before eventually ending up in the other. Sometimes working with an archetype leads you to encounter a deity who embodies that archetype, which can lead to a relationship with that deity. Likewise, your relationship with a deity may help you become aware of a certain archetype’s influence in your life, which might lead you to work with that archetype.

Making First Contact

First impressions are important. This is true for making new friends, for job interviews, for first dates — and for your first meeting with a god or goddess. In many cases, the way you behave in your first meeting with a deity will set the tone for your relationship with them.

That being said, don’t overthink (or over-stress) about your first impression. You aren’t going to be cursed or punished if you mess this up — at the very worst, the deity might lose interest in connecting with you, and even that can often be remedied with an offering and a polite apology. While it’s always best to get off on the right foot, don’t feel like you need to be perfect.

So, how do you make a good first impression on a god or goddess? Honestly, the rules are largely the same for making a good first impression on any other person. Make sure your physical appearance is clean and tidy — some systems, such as Hellenismos and Kemetic paganism, have special rules for cleansing before contacting the gods, but it’s always a good idea to take a shower first and make sure you’re wearing clean clothes. Likewise, make sure the physical space you invite the gods into is relatively clean — it doesn’t need to be spotless, but take a minute to tidy up before beginning any ritual. Be polite — there’s no need to be overly formal, but you should be respectful. Don’t immediately ask for favors — how would you feel if you met someone at a party and they immediately asked you to do some sort of work for them?

Beyond the basics, it’s wise to make sure you have an idea of who this god is and what they are like before you reach out to them. This will keep you from accidentally doing something offensive. For example, you wouldn’t want to invite them to an altar dedicated to a deity they have a rivalry with. Likewise, you want to avoid offering food or drink that would have been taboo in their original worship. (Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but when you’re just starting out it’s a good idea to follow the historical framework as closely as possible.)

At the risk of sounding like a broken record: this is why research is so important. Knowing who you are dealing with allows you to deal with them respectfully, gracefully, and competently.

Callings

There’s one aspect of deity worship that is controversial in modern paganism: the idea of being “called” by a deity. This is a question you’ll find many, many heated discussions about online. Do you need to be called by a deity to form a relationship with them? Do deities choose their followers, or do we choose them? How do you know what a call from a deity even looks like?

As I said, this is a controversial topic, but I firmly believe that 1.) you do not have to feel called to a deity beyond being interested in them, and 2.) feeling drawn to a deity’s image, symbols, and myths is a form of calling.

Many pagans do feel like they were called or drawn to the deities they walk most closely with. They may have encountered myths of that deity as a child or teenager and deeply resonated with them, or may have always had an affinity for that god’s sacred animals. They may have dreamed of this deity before knowing who they were, or may have felt a spiritual presence around them before identifying it as a god or goddess.

Many people first encounter the gods in fiction, only for this fictionalized depiction to spark a deeper connection that eventually leads to worship. In the modern era, it’s entirely possible for someone who worships Loki to have first encountered him (or at least a character loosely based on him) in Marvel comics and films, or for someone who worships the Greek pantheon to have first discovered them through the Percy Jackson books. As far as I’m concerned, this is also a valid “call” from deity. The gods are very good at communicating with us through the means available — including fiction.

That being said, just because you don’t already feel a strong connection to a god or goddess doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t worship them. The connection will come with time and effort, just like in any relationship.

Dedication, Patrons, and Matrons

In online spaces such as Tumblr and TikTok, a lot of inexperienced pagans parrot the idea that every pagan needs to have a designated matron and/or patron god and/or needs to be formally dedicated to a god in order to have a close relationship with them. Not only is this untrue, but such restrictions can actually cause harm and/or stunt spiritual growth.

Let’s address dedication first. To be dedicated to a deity means to outwardly declare yourself a servant of that deity, usually with a formal dedication ritual — think of it as the pagan version of joining a convent or going to seminary. It is an outward expression of your devotion and loyalty to that deity. Dedicants are held to a higher standard than the average worshiper by themselves, their communities, and the god(s) they have dedicated to.

Dedication can be a powerful and fulfilling spiritual experience (it’s the backbone of many peoples’ spiritual practice), but it should not be taken lightly. Dedicating yourself to a god or goddess should be a sign of your commitment to them and a deepening of your relationship — it should not be the beginning of that relationship.

Dedication is a lot like marriage. Just like you wouldn’t marry someone you’ve only been on a handful of dates with, you shouldn’t dedicate to a deity just because you’ve had one or two positive experiences with them. Like marriages, dedication can be difficult to get out of — ending your dedication to a deity is possible, but it’s a messy, complicated, uncomfortable process that is sure to shift the foundation of your entire spiritual practice, and not always for the better.

My advice to new and inexperienced pagans is not to even consider dedication until you’ve been practicing for several years. As you begin your journey, your focus should be on exploring your options, forming meaningful connections, and developing a practice that works for you and your unique spiritual needs. Now is the time for experimentation, not lifelong commitments.

But let’s say you are an experienced pagan, and you feel like you are ready for dedication. How do you know if you should dedicate to a given god or goddess?

Dedication may be the logical next step in your relationship with a deity if:

This deity has been an active part of your spiritual practice for at least 2-3 years, with no major gaps in contact with them

You are comfortable upholding this deity’s values for the rest of your life — and are willing to face consequences if you fail to do so

You are willing to dedicate a significant amount of time and effort to the service of this deity

You are willing to face major changes in your life outside your spiritual practice — dedicating to a deity often leads to major shifts that may affect our career, family, and/or relationships

If you answered “yes” to all of the above, dedication may be appropriate. This may seem overly cautious, but remember that dedicating to a deity is a serious, lifelong commitment akin to joining the clergy. For context, it takes at least five years of study and practice to become a Catholic priest, a similar amount of time to become a Jewish rabbi, and three years to become a high priest/ess in Traditional Wicca. If you don’t have the patience to maintain a relationship for a few years before dedication, that is probably a good indicator that dedication isn’t for you.

If you are dedicated to a deity or are planning to dedicate, you may actually choose to attend seminary or receive some other formal religious training. This training will help you to better serve your deity in a public capacity, as you will learn skills like religious counselling, leading ritual, and building community. If your program of study includes ordination, it will also allow you to perform legally binding religious rituals like marriage ceremonies. Depending on your path, attending seminary or training may be your act of formal dedication.

Finally, let me make it clear that dedication does not make you a better pagan than someone who is not dedicated. The choice to dedicate or not dedicate is only one element of your spiritual practice, and it is possible to have a fulfilling and life-affirming practice without dedication. Some of the people who do the most work in the service of the gods are not dedicated to them. You may be one of these people, and that is totally okay.

Patron/matron relationships are a specific type of dedication.

The concept of patron deities comes from Wicca and related neopagan religions. As we’ve previously discussed, Wicca is a duotheistic system with a God and Goddess, whose union is the source of all creation. However, because Wiccans believe that all gods are manifestations of the God and all goddesses are manifestations of the Goddess, some covens choose to work with the God and Goddess in the form of other deities (say, for example, Osiris and Isis), which are referred to as the coven’s “patron” and “matron” deities. In these covens, initiation into the coven’s mysteries (traditionally in the form of first, second, and third degree initiations) typically acts as a form of dedication to these deities.

As Eclectic Wicca has gained popularity in the last few decades, there has been a growing trend of individual Wiccans and eclectic pagans choosing personal patron and/or matron deities. Some Wiccans will have a single god or goddess they are dedicated to, while others feel that it is very important to be dedicated to exactly one masculine deity and exactly one feminine deity. This second model is the one I see most often in online pagan spaces, especially Tumblr and TikTok.

The patron/matron model can be useful for some pagans, but it is not one-size-fits-all. As I mentioned, this model of dedication comes from Wicca, and is a very modern concept. In ancient pagan religions, most people would not have been dedicated in this way. That does not mean that this isn’t a valid form of worship (it absolutely is), but it does mean that those who practice reconstructionist paths may not be inclined to interact with deity this way.

The guidelines for patron/matron relationships are similar to the guidelines for dedication in general, but these relationships often (but not always) have a more parental nature. For some people, having a divine mother and/or father figure is ideal — especially for those who are healing from parental trauma or abuse. If you feel drawn to this type of deity relationship, I encourage you to explore it.

On the other hand, you may not have any interest in the patron/matron model, and that’s totally fine! It’s called polytheism for a reason — if you prefer to maintain less formal relationships with many gods, you should feel free to do so.

I hope this post has helped clarify some of the murkier aspects of polytheism and deity work. Obviously, this is only the tip of the iceberg — I could write a book about this topic and many, many authors already have. However, I think the information here is enough to get you started, and I hope that it will provide a first step on your journey with your gods.

Resources:

Wicca for Beginners by Thea Sabin

A Witches’ Bible by Janet and Stewart Farrar

The Spiral Dance by Starhawk

Where the Hawthorn Grows by Morgan Daimler

The Way of Fire and Ice by Ryan Smith

Jessi Huntenburg (YouTuber), “Dancing with Deity | Discovering Gods, Goddesses, and Archetypes,” “Archetype, Deity, and Inviting Transpersonal Experience,” and “10 Ways to Bond with Deity”

Kelly-Ann Maddox (YouTuber), “How to Have Deep Connections with Deities”

[pebblysand]

Hi!!! Happy travels! (is that thing in French or English?) soooo, I see you're going to read Evelyn Hugo, and this is my official request that when you finish it you come back here and give your opinions on it! I have A LOT of feelings/opinions about it, but I'd like to hear from you! Have a nice day!

hey anon! thank you! i don't think "happy travels" is a saying per se, but the french is "good travels", so i get what you mean <3.

okay so i'd actually started evelyn hugo this summer, and finished the rest on the plane yesterday, so i'm happy to report back! spoilers below the cut.

i gave it a 4/5 in my own little book rating system, and overall, i really, really liked it.

what i loved:

i loved how queer it was (which i wasn't expecting), but also how realistic it was in terms of queer stigma - not only with its time, but also with the film industry in general. i loved the conversation where one of them is like "elton john's been out for years" and the other one is like "yeah, elton john isn't living off his straight sex appeal though." it's kind of true. say a male-gaze beauty icon like megan fox was to come out as gay, i'm not sure she'd be as marketable, etc. so, in sum, i loved that aspect of the book. i loved the struggle everyone experiences with the sexuality, and how hard being in the closet also is, lying to everyone all the time. i thought this was great.

i also loved the way the book deals with the passage of time, and the phenomenon of getting old, especially in the public eye. i love how it blurs over whole sections of evelyn's life, in a "life just happened" sort of way, because that's also the truth, isn't it? years just pass sometimes.

i also very much loved (i think this might actually be my favourite thing about the book) how much value it puts on friendship, and chosen families, rather than biological families. i thought this was very unusual and refreshing, in adult literature. children's literature often puts a lot of value on friendship, then it all becomes about romance, and what the fuck do these people do with their friends, you know? and i felt like the relationship between harry and evelyn in this book was every bit as important as her relationship with celia, and treated with the same level of care and respect, which i very much appreciated. the fact that the happiest time in evelyn's life seems to be when they were all living in manhattan together felt so very precious. i frankly started bawling (in public, on the plane lmao) when harry died, and didn't stop until connor died. that's also perhaps something i wasn't expecting about this book. it is sad.

what i loved... less:

the reason why this book is a 4 ⭐️ and not a 5 ⭐️ is two-fold.

first, whilst it was well-written (and, if i ever manage to write an original work of fiction to this level, i will be very happy), the style didn't make me go "wow". the prose was great, it was lively and definitely enjoyable, but it didn't have the jaw-dropping factor i sometimes find in novels like incendiary or normal people. those are my five-stars, and this just wasn't to that level.

second, and most importantly, i just didn't like the end. i felt like the final reveal fell... flat? at least, for me. if the story of monique's father was going to be the front and centre of her relationship with evelyn, i would have wanted more... context? on her life, on her parents? i feel like if that was going to be The Story, then why spent all that time on her failing marriage? when the reveal happened, i was like "wait, who is james grant?" 😆. i just wasn't as shocked as i feel i should have been. i feel like this part of the story was unnecessary, didn't really answer anything, and if the gayness of her own father was going to be the question, then this reveal should have occurred maybe mid-book, and given monique more time to react to it/sort it out? idk. i just felt like the evelyn story was so beautiful and intense, it could have stood on its own, without that final reveal.

additionally, i'm a bit annoyed that nothing was said about the way that monique seemed to think moving the body in the car was Perfectly Okay until she found out the dead guy was her father, at which point she freaked? i would have loved for her to have a conversation with evelyn (or at leats it be addressed somehow) about how morally reprehensible actions against people you don't know, often feel a lot more justifiable than morally reprehensible actions against people you do know. this was totally not addressed, and it frankly pissed me off.

so yeah, overall, i really liked the book, but it had its flaws. but i'm curious, what are your thoughts? ❤️

[moviemunchies]

Based on a book series of the same name, Enola Holmes tells the story of Sherlock Holmes’s little sister, Enola. Which is… an interesting take on the Holmes mythos, to say the least. It feels like a fanfiction idea (which, I suppose it IS), but that doesn’t stop the movie from being fairly enjoyable.

While her older brothers (who she hasn’t seen in years) are in London, Enola is raised at the Holmes family home by her mother, being taught all sorts of things, from fencing to archery to deduction. But when her mother disappears, Enola calls on her brothers to help find her. But Mycroft is disgusted with how unladylike Enola has become, and tries to enlist her in a boarding school to teach her manners.

Well, Enola’s not particularly interested in that nonsense, and escapes to London (and runs into a young lord who needs some help of his own) to find her mother herself. At the same time, there’s an important vote about to go on in Parliament, that might be more connected to much of what’s going on.

And of course, Sherlock wants to both find Enola and their mother.

So this movie’s fun. While I don’t think it’s necessarily predictable (although some beats of the Plot are) I think that in terms of tone the movie is what you’d expect from the premise I give you. This is an adventure story about a teenage girl who just happens to be a Holmes sibling. Enola quite easily could have been a very annoying character but she isn’t–her ‘turning to the camera’ thing isn’t an annoying gimmick, but a way of narrating and also showing Enola’s insecurity next to her brothers in the situations she finds herself in.

I was a bit annoyed in the characterization of Mycroft Holmes. I’m not against the idea of Mycroft acting like a sexist douchebag, but I am frustrated that that’s basically all there is to this character. He looks nothing like the descriptions of the character from the stories. He acts nothing like the character from the stories. He is Mycroft Holmes in name only. Surely there was some way in which to incorporate the actual character into the Plot? You could still make him a sexist douchebag, it’s just… this doesn’t feel genuine.

[Is Henry Cavill a good Sherlock Holmes? He seems too brawny for the role if you ask me, but I can’t say I mind, because it looks like he’s having fun. So I move past that.]

Honestly though, that’s my only major complaint. There are also a couple of other things that I don’t think worked quite as well. For starters, Eudoria Holmes, Enola’s mother–I can’t say that I really understand her role in the movie, other than for training montage and inciting incident. In the actual finale she seems to do very little for the movie, and her disappearance is quite easily forgiven despite, you know, her ditching her teenage daughter for the sake of joining what may or may not be a violent extremist group (albeit one with good intentions!). Enola looks past this with little fanfare, and we’re meant to, and I don’t know that I do.

I also thought that the movie was very heavy-handed with its message about female empowerment, but I didn’t think that was that much of a problem. It’s a story that’s mostly aimed at the same age demographic as its lead, who probably won’t mind so much either. So I don’t even really consider that a problem.

And it IS the Victorian Era. Speaking of which, if you like Victorian Era aesthetics, boy this movie is the shiz for you. There’s tons of cool scenery and sets for the characters to run around in and show off the fashion and design. It is perhaps an overexposed part of history, but the reason it’s overexposed is that it’s great fun to play around with. And having a teenage girl solving mysteries is a fun way to add something new to stories in the setting.

Maybe those stories are a dime a dozen, but I don’t know about them so it’s new to me.

Enola Holmes is a bit silly a lot of the time, but the characters are likable, and the movie clearly wants to be an easy popcorn film for most of its run, which is fine. It’s far from the craziest adaptation of or addition to the Holmes stories out there, and I can tell you that it’s a much better ‘Sherlock’s sister’ story than season four of the BBC series. It’s a lot more fun too.

I found myself wondering where the fudge Watson was, though.