#the bad thing abt the meds is that it’s less fun

[mostlymaudlin]

Ohhhhhhthe unwellness of it all. The brrrraiiiin. It is so funny.

[izzy-b-hands]

Feeling slightly better than i have been at this moment (hence being on Tumblr for more than a half second before my body goes 'hm, actually, that's too much. put the phone down or i make u throw up 🥰' as it has been all week since this back pain bullshit began

(more blathering abt this stuff and work and just. general life update as of this week below the cut)

But realised that's probably only bc:

-Housemate (who has been an absolute angel thru all of this and has looked after me better than my own mother ever has tbh), got me some Pedialyte style drinks, and I've made it thru nearly all of one today (a miracle bc the nausea has otherwise been constant even when the pain isn't as bad and has made eating more than like. broth and saltines and gummy edibles basically impossible)

-Im stoned, on a increasing rotation of meds (acetaminophen, ibuprofen, mucinex which it turns out has potential off label use for muscle spasms, as Housemate researched and found out, edibles, magnesium, and now ginger pills to help the nausea) all of which im grateful for but combined leave me feeling less in pain but a bit. idk. blah? brain foggy, more than usual? Tbh it's probably the pain making the brain fog, the pills just can't do anything for that and i don't fault them for that, but for a brain fog example, I've been trying to place an order for some local chocolates to ship to my mum for mother's day, and legit it's taken me ALL WEEK just to get the site open, to the shipping menu, and just today actually putting things in the cart, but I haven't managed to check out yet bc just getting the cart together that made me feel like i needed a nap. This post is the longest thing I've typed in days, and I'm struggling rn to keep going..But i started it, so we're finishing it, back spasm at a level 4 of pain be damned

-and im doing basically nothing aside from stretches (gentle yoga ones i already know the forms for, and some pilates gentle type things i remember from when mum joined that fad lol), using one of our wand vibes on my back (never had done before, they actually do work for that too! kinda fun to find out, just wish i hadn't found out like this!!), laying on a heating pad and wedge pillow, and trying to nap (bc the pain is worse at night so I've somehow been sleeping even worse than i usually tend to)while YT videos and/or the 1973 JCS plays on repeat.

I mention all this bc i work this weekend, and i don't want to have to call out for the first shift tonight. but like. if im struggling just to type this post up (nvm that i have my zine checkin to finish and send in as well, if Nads or anyone else from the group reads this pls know i will make sure i have it done by the due date! it's just been taking. longer, with this back pain mess), keeping my brain on track is difficult rn (as evidenced by...this entire post), and my back is starting to twinge up to a 3-4 overall already bc i let the heating pad turn off, thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I'm feeling okay enough to be on Tumblr then maybe that's a sign this is finally over, and my back is done making life miserable...

then maybe work isn't a great idea. but it scares me every time i have to call in (and I've tried not to unless i absolutely had to, but they're very particular abt ppl basically never calling out, so i know that even if they acknowledged i sounded as sick as i was, that doesn't mean this wouldn't be reason enough to fire me)

I just don't know what to do. i want to work. i want to make money. i also don't want to have to mute my mic bc my back spasms hard enough to make me vomit tho, and that's unfortunately still a very real possibility (spent entirely too much of this week throwing up from the pain tbh!!! not happy abt it, i do not like being sick like that, for any reason!!) The last reason makes me think calling out is the right thing. but. i have a few hours yet, so im gonna see how it goes, acknowledging that i probably do need to call out, whether i like it or not

(if for nothing else, to maybe be recovered for my first set of doubles on Sunday)

[ginminowas]

grumpus designs addendummm

ANYWAYS. felt like doin a post talking abt how i draw the grumpuses or whatever for funsies bc im bored + since i did the design meme. lets go

in General : i draw them like furries, vaguely. which is fun because im not much of a furry artist so i have no idea what im doing and it shows. in general i give them sorta snouts in varying... snoutyness depending on their over/underbite. eg floofty, snorpy gramble and shelda have flatter faces while liz, lillow and wambus look like weird dogs, i guess. i draw them with human-shaped hands but put pawpads on them. sometimes. you could say i give them ears but to be honest they dont look functioning i just slap some squiggles on their heads and move on. i also give some of them tails. because i walk around irl like why dont i have a tail and well its their problem now.

I also give them more/detailed-er hair and clothes. character specific stuff below

Filbo is still just a guy. I mostly just slapped some freckles on him because I thought theyd be cute. in a spongebob kinda way. i put a hawaiian shirt on him. not pictured, i think he would have a little tuft of a tail. average goober

I draw Beffica with more... idk if id say realistic hair, but it’s less of a hat. as far as I can tell, her in-game model has orangeish-red eyes (color makes me think of ketchup), but I made them browner. not a lot of brown eyed characters in media but this is partially habit on my part coming from drawing genshin fanart (nobody has brown eyes). i made her nose heart shaped and put her in a off the shoulder shirt. she has a sort of... cheetah? pattern bc i think its cute.

Eggabell is round soft and pink. not as egg shaped in my style i suppose, but she prob looks more egg fullbody than just her bust lol. i like the ........ floofy thing ive seen ppl put on her so theres that, i also think she’d look cute w/ short hair. changed her med belt into a sort of... satchel lookin thing?

Liz. in the meme I forgot about her hat, LOL. I give her a ponytail haircut - she kinda looks like a wolf and less like a walrus I suppose... she’s muscular and scared from The Adventuring, and I put a vest thing on her. she still has the belt.

Wambus I made look a bit dilfy... kind of wolf shaped in my brain. him and Triffany feel like the types to be that thick beefy kind of muscled. gave him bushy eyebrows and sort of hair, w some grey hairs. he and Triffany are around 40-50s to me, they both have some wrinkles, but im. bad at drawing older ppl

Triffany..... her hat was a menace to draw. she’s just as beefed up as Wambus, but she’s very fluffy and soft looking. her vest is more Open in canon but I didn’t wanna redraw it but im sure she has amazing chest fur. she has curly-ish hair in a ponytail.

for Cromdo I tried to make him like.. idk... uncleish. danny devitocore. I’m not used to drawing characters like him so ??? its a little funny looking but I tried to make him look like he had body hair as if he wasnt covered in fur lmfao. gave him some wrinkles, he’s probably in his 40s. put a shirt on that freak. also, had trouble w his nose.

I’ve had trouble drawing shorter characters in relation to taller ones (chandlo) but I liked how I drew Gramble. I put freckles on him (cute factor), turned his vest into a full sweater (w shirt collar), gave him some curly strawberry red hair under the hat. he’s cute. I know he weighs like 3 apples

WIGGLE my beloved! I felt I made her a bit Much but honestly? fits her. I gave her short curly hair - I do like how other designs give her the spiky mohawk look from the cheepoof tho! in her model her eyes are blue, but I darkened them similarly to how I changed Beffica’s eyes, but its less noticeable with the glasses. I gave her a sorta... half tube top w a see thru part (forgot the word.) probably wears beach party clothes

Oddly, I have trouble with Chandlo. He’s kind of dog-ish like Liz an Lillow, also made his nose heart shaped cuz its cute. gave him hair under the hat but idk how I feel on it. he’s beefy obviously, but I think he’s a bit more defined than Wambus. I couldn’t quite show it but I imagine he has rather calloused paws, but is otherwise careful when carpenter-ing and such (unlike Snorpy and Floofty, OSHA enemies.)

SNORBYYYYY I love this little yellow thing. I draw him (and his sibling) with casual glasses usually, because I imagine the magnifying glass isnt Always necessary. I also put him in a sweater. I gave him some freckles and changed the direction of his hair + the style to be in a ponytail idk. his arms and hands are particularly scarred, from equipment and engineering accidents and such, probably has some burns too.

Floofty my beloved rude asshole. I have a little trouble w their hair on the left side of their head 😭 I also give them simpler glasses to wear when they don’t need the goggles because wearing that shit all day hurts. I put them in a hoodie/jacket + lab coat combo. I imagine the lab coat is blood stained. stuff’s hard to clean. They’re equally if not more scarred than their brother, and have a particularly bad burn/scar double whammy on their right hand which I hc they get after getting fired when having a meltdown. ANYWAYS

Shelda my gramma. I love her but MY GOD coloring the flowers was hard lol. I imagine her fur is on the shorter side. I don’t have too much to say I guess? I want to give her a hug.

Clumby I just drew a kind of Aunt-y ish garfield. the glasses and hat were hard. definitely the type of woman I saw in the middle school’s reception office.

is that all? I guess that’s all. there’s Lillow, but I dont have much to say I guess? besides that the scar on her nose is from snaktooth. what was it clumby said? “dont fall off a cliff onto your face?”

[ayvepeedee]

entry seven I forgor

never trust someone with a dissociative disorder to remember .

umm idk when i last updated this but i Think it was like sept oct soooo uh update, i have a TUMOR and its most likely not but COULD be cancer ummm and still with the gf, after the update ill talk abt current events that relates to hir currently, ummm im failing 4 classes and ive officially decided on my major/career but not in my college! i have however been contemplating going to canada!!! umm im besties with my friend aki i bought her and my gf and i lethal company and thats been a recent

uhhhh RECENTS! OF TODAY/LATELY

i have been pretty like mentally exhausted and exhausted in general! im barely passing classes and the ones i am are guaranteed passing cause its music and Woodshop. Fuck woodshop hope it dies! i talked to my doctor i was on birth control for periods and she recommended i stay off until i talk to a surgeon to have SURGERY and what they decide dictates if i still should but ive been put onnnnnnnum nausea meds and migraine meds !

uhhh abt my gf stuff, specifically today

shi has been feeling weird lately and today was like that kinda breaking point, shi has someone in front that manages episodes (mania depressive ect) nd shi thinks something bad is gonna happen soon and i feel bad cause i feel like shi should be happy cause shi deserves it all! i know that doesnt just happen but shi deserves to be happy shis been thru a lot and i care about hir!!!! so i let hir know once shi was sleeping that shi can talk to me about stuff, or shi doesnt have to! cause talking to an app with a bunch of people that are unbiased and dont know you va your boyfriend biased and knows you is different! and i get how shi might want both, one or the other, or neither maybe! but i still want hir to know im there and that i care!

gf stuff, not just today

lately shis been tiring me and doing things shi wants to do and like when im not interested in things i dont wanna be mean about it just Don't wanna do it and i don't want hir to think i dont care cause i do i just don't wanna do it myself when shi could do it when its something shis talking to me about but also last time we talked about something together i said hey i need reassurance a lot and shi did it twice and hasn't done it again and i just don't like feel like that easy i need that reassurance helllooooo tumblr user ayvepeedee here !!!! and shis my safe person but its like ill always overthink that'll never change !!!!

i was in a call with my gf and aki for 500 HOURS can you believe that! it was SO DRAINING but it was really fun! it made me sad when they'd hang without me cause id be at school or i was tired but they were nice to be around! theyre my besties i love them

i.ummm have missed A Bit of school causeof my doctor stuff! and im gonna keep doing that :( like if i end up getting surgery for my tumor it'll probably be in a school day and thats likr at least a day or two or more of rest cause like my tumors in my boob and i have to be REALLY careful in that area rn and after surgery it'll be extra sensitive for a while and im kinda a rough person so ive been less rough but like ACK! IM LIKE ZONING OUT WHILE WRITING THIS IS ENOUGH BYYYEEEE!!!! :3

[cruelsister-moved2]

finished rgu literally crying n sobbing like a baby ................. i am gonna have to watch the film even if it kinda sucks bc that made me feel sooo mentally ill i love women though 

[yourmidnightlover]

lost my everything

Summary- while revealing something to spencer, you confess something during the process. he didn't know how to react, which led to a terrible accident in which he might lose you forever.

TW: talk abt mental and physical abuse, alluding to death, talk about self-harm, SAD ENDING

WC- 3,152

a/n - please don't read if you're sensitive to self-harm or talk about emotional and physical abuse because reader goes into discussion about these things. i care about you and your safety so if you need to talk about anything please seek help or my inbox is always open! you are loved and you are needed <3

masterlist

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one thing about being the youngest member of the team meant that the second-youngest member was drawn to you.

that second youngest member happened to be spencer reid.

you had just had another paperwork day today since you got back from one the night previous. you were currently in the conference room discussing the case before we got off-topic, curtesy of spencer's coffee problem.

"i might have a slight problem with my coffee addiction, but there are many studies that go to show the benefits of drinking coffee. supposedly, drinking coffee could extend your life period, strengthen your liver, increase your body's glucose production, and even-"

"okay, that's all for today guys. go home and get rest before a case comes in," hotch interjected and warned.

you placed your hand on spencer's arm, this time underneath the table, as his face began to fall from disappointment. he turned to face and gave a tight-lipped grin before you removed my hand and we both stood up.

"so, spence, my place or yours for the doctor who marathon this time?" you said as he grabbed his bag from his desk.

"we went to mine last, so we can just go to yours this time," he said with his natural pep back. "besides, i kinda like your apartment better," he shrugged with another wide smile.

"clearly you do," you joked. "you almost always say my place," you laughed as you both joined jj. pen, and emily in the elevator.

"hey, y/n, would you wanna go to o'kiefs with us tonight?" jj offered kindly.

"already got plans. maybe next time!" you said with a smile, turning back to see spencer wearing the same smile on your face.

honestly, you and spencer have gone to the bar with the team a few times. you weren't opposed to going with them, you just knew that going meant everyone would pressure you to drink alcohol.

last time, you had succumbed to peer pressure. spencer had to drive you home and hold your hair as you puked into the toilet, it was a very good bonding experience. you didn't remember much, but you do remember you convinced him to stay the night, although he did end up sleeping on the couch rather than in the bed with you.

"after last time, i don't blame you, y/l/n," emily laughed out, giving a concerned look recalling the memories flooding her mind.

"next time we won't pressure you so much!" penny consoled. "i didn't know how much you meant it when you said you can't handle your alcohol," she winced.

"yea... i really meant it," you laughed out, trying to shed some light on the subject. the elevator opened, allowing you to go your separate ways for the night. "have fun you guys!" you called as you walked to your car with spencer.

spencer and you have been carpooling to work ever since you learned he took the metro to work and only lived a couple blocks from your apartment complex. you couldn't stand the thought of something bad happening to him while on the train, so you've offered to give him a ride there and back ever since.

in return, spencer insisted on paying for daily coffee runs for the two of you. it was his way 'of returning the fuel money in another type of fuel.'

you and spencer crawled into the car and began the drive back to your place. it wasn't too long to your place, only a 20-minute drive, but being with spencer made it feel like half that.

"do you even remember what happened the last time you went to the bar with them?" spencer laughed.

"not exactly..." you grimaced. "just that you took me home, there was a bit of puking, and i coerced you to stay the night. and you slept on the couch, which is absolutely ridiculous! i mean, i was the one who practically made you stay, so shouldn't i have slept on the couch? it's not like we haven't slept in the same bed before," you ranted.

"you're right, we have slept in the same bed before," he clarified. "but each time we did that you weren't drunk out of your mind," he sassed.

"ha-ha, spence," you mocked. "i did say i couldn't handle my alcohol. is there anything you wanna fill me in on?"

truthfully, yes.

there was something he wanted to fill you in on.

he wanted to tell you how you confessed your past to him.

he wanted to tell you how you kissed him right after...

and he kissed you back.

he could still remember the way your lips tasted, still covered by the vodka from the shots you took hours before.

but he didn't want you to think less of him since he kissed you back.

he just couldn't help it.

he'd been helplessly in love with you for so long, yearning to be with you as more than friends... as more than what he thought you wanted. but that kiss was his hope.

it was hope that maybe you felt a fraction of the chemistry he did. it was hope that maybe even if you didn't like him, you still had an attraction towards him in some kind of way. it was hope that maybe you would grow those same feelings for him.

but no matter how much 'hope' that kiss gave him, he shouldn't have kissed you back. he knew how vulnerable you were by telling him about your history of abuse.

you told him about your parents. about how they would throw you around when they were high, or drunk, or both. you told him about how they would call you worthless, a whore, stupid, good-for-nothing, basically every name in the book. but you didn't tell him about how you coped with the abuse.

so, when he told you how amazing you are to be able to turn your life around how you did, and how beautiful you are and always have been, you couldn't help but embrace him with a kiss.

you kissed him.

and he kissed you.

in a wonderful, vulnerable moment, he kissed you back as he'd always wanted to each night you spent with each other.

"nope," he shook his head. "nothing to fill you in on."

"i guess that's good," you shrugged.

he also wanted to know if you'd ever tell him about what happened when you were in your right mind. he wanted to know that you trusted him with your darkest secret that you accidentally already spilled to him.

although, maybe you should know about what you admitted to him. it was your life, after all. it was your past that you revealed to him in a simple drunken mistake.

"actually..." spencer started, taking a deep breath as he looked into your eyes. "you did mention something."

"okay... what'd i mention?" you wondered.

"you told me about..." he tried to find the right words to say. "about your parents."

"oh...?" you began to realize what you had admitted to him that very night, still not remembering the events that followed. "i didn't want you to find out like that..." you trailed off.

"i figured you didn't," he gave a small grin. you looked over at him hesitantly.

you thought about all the ways you could react to this. you could block him out and act like it was his fault you drunkenly confessed your past. you could ignore the fact that you told him at all and just move on, burrowing all the emotions inside of you once again. or, you could try to finally move on from what happened and how you coped with it by talking to spencer about it.

"when we get to my place, would you mind if we held off on the marathon? i should probably elaborate a bit more," you asked meekly.

"of course we can. we can do whatever you want tonight, y/n," he soothed, placing a hand on your lower thigh comfortingly.

you drove back to your place in silence, the both of you anticipating the conversation awaiting you.

when you finally entered your apartment, you both shed your coats by the door, hanging them on the hook, placed your guns and badged on the table beside the hook, and sat down on the couch comfortably. you crossed your legs, your knee up in the air, as spencer sat down with his knee touching the one still on the couch.

"so... how much did i say?" you asked curiously.

"you talked about the emotional and physical abuse, but nothing too in depth," he confirmed.

"when i was young, about 12, my parents got into a minor car accident," you began telling him about your past, trying to recall the memories with little hurt or pain. "they weren't at fault, it was a drunk teenager, but they each got addicted to their pain meds from the hospital. i would be asleep when they would come home from a night out, drunk and high out of their minds. i remember the first night it happened. i wandered in the living room, curious of what the ruckus was, and was greeted by my dad's hand slapping me across my face," you chuckled humorlessly, not knowing what other reaction was appropriate.

"he told me i shouldn't have been up or seen what they were doing. he was furious," you furrowed your brows as tears began to well in your eyes at the memory as spencer gingerly placed his hand comfortingly on your knee, scooting a tad bit closer to you. "after that night it became almost a pattern of his. he would come home and then get upset from his high coming down, and take it out on me. my mom just laughed and watched as he would hit me."

"eventually, they started just belittling me. they would say i was a coward for not standing up for myself. they would say i was stupid, or worthless. they especially liked to call me 'a waste of space,' i think that one was their favorite," you took a shaky, deep breath as you knew you were about to reveal for the first time to anyone what you would do to cope with the abuse.

"eventually i started to believe them. i started to believe the things they said about me. i thought i truly was an ugly, undeserving, piece of garbage," you turned to see spencer's eyes full of tears, mirroring your own. "i would self-harm because i believed them. each night after they were done with their own abuse, i felt so... frustrated. the only way i could get that frustration out was to do that. the scars are still there, taunting me of how weak i was to not just endure the pain," you finished.

you didn't even realize tears were streaming down your eyes until you noticed the few on spencer's cheek. he reached his hand up to wipe the tears on your face, ignoring that of his own.

"you aren't weak, y/n. you are unbelievably strong for getting through that. you have to know how amazing you are," he told you, demanding you to see you the way he saw you.

because the way he saw you, you were beyond perfect. you were so much stronger for going through that. if anything, knowing you went through that made him think you were that much more amazing.

and honestly, the way you were thinking is that when you told spencer, he might think less of you. he might think you were dumb for doing that to yourself, inflicting pain upon your own body to relieve yourself of pain.

that was anything but true.

"s-so you don't think any less of me?" you asked confused, looking into his eyes for any tells of his lying.

"absolutely not. if anything i think you're stronger now that i know what you've endured," he assured you, moving a stray piece of hair behind your ear as he moved even closer to you.

"thank you so much, spencer," you said as you lunged forward, your arms immediately pulling him closer around his neck into a hug.

"you don't need to thank me, y/n," he started as he rubbed circles in your back soothingly. "if it helps anything at all... i think your amazing. i always have, and i always will."

"spencer..." you pulled back and looked into his eyes. "just... i need to tell you one more thing."

"alright," he nodded, prompting you to continue.

"i uhm, i'm in love with you," you bit your lip in anticipation for his response.

he didn't say anything.

he couldn't say anything.

he wanted to say something, but he didn't know how.

he didn't even know if you actually said that, or if you were just a figment of his imagination.

because at this point, he felt so much more for you than love.

he was infatuated with you.

but you read it as rejection, so you quickly unhinged your arms from around his neck and retreated into a ball while on the couch.

"i-i'm sorry," you said after quickly realizing the reality of the situation.

he didn't feel the same.

"you d-don't need to say it back. i shouldn't have sprung that on you. i-i've just felt that way for so long, and i thought that maybe you did too, but i shouldn't have assumed anything. i'm so sorry," you looked at him, waiting for him to say anything. to admit anything.

"oh god, and i just spilled everything to you," you ran your hand through your hair.

silence.

"i think i need to go for a walk," you said, getting up from the couch and rushing out the door after grabbing your coat.

you opted for taking the stairs to run outside, being the quickest option.

spencer was speechless, still sitting on your couch, dumbfounded.

he was overwhelmed with emotions.

you loved him?

he couldn't believe that someone so smart, so beautiful, so kind, so funny, so... everything would ever love him.

and he was too late to say it back.

he couldn't wrap his head around the fact that you loved him, so he just sat there in awe of this revelation.

by the time he realized what you had said, and was ready to say it back, you were already out of the door and down the stairs.

you were walking all too fast with tears flooding your eyesight.

you had just lost the one person you loved the most. the one person who's always there for you. the only person you've felt a connection with. you lost your everything.

by the time spencer ran down the stairs in an attempt to chase you, you were nowhere to be found. he could always call your cell, but he wanted to admit his undying love and affection in person, not over some dumb cellular device.

you didn't know where you were going, just letting your feet take you wherever they pleased. it had been a bit cold and you had left everything at your place, so you began rubbing your arms in search for more friction.

you were walking around a corner when you were pulled into an alley by some random white guy. with a harsh hand on your arm, you whined out quietly from the sudden pain.

you didn't have your gun.

"money! NOW!" he demanded. you stayed there with tears in your eyes, too emotional to speak.

your wallet was back at the house.

"are you too dumb to speak? i said MONEY!" he said, pushing a gun you were now made aware of into your stomach.

"i-i don't have my wallet," you admitted with a shaky voice, tears now streaming down your face faster than before.

the night was supposed to be another night with spencer, watching your favorite show and being with your favorite person. you were supposed to be cuddled up on his couch, probably falling asleep in his arms by now.

and now you were being mugged and were probably going to get hurt in one way or another.

"and why is that, doll?" he pushed the gun further into your lower stomach .

"i-i was in a r-rush. i s-swear i d-don't have anyth-thing!" you stuttered, trying to convince him to let you go.

"too bad... you've already seen my face. let's hope you have a nice nap," he growled before pulling the trigger, a bullet running through your lower stomach.

spencer was near you when the bullet went off. he was walking home.

you didn't even realize it, but you were walking in the direction of your love's own home when you were ambushed.

he heard the gun go off.

he naturally ran into the alley with his gun raised, ready to fire at anyone fleeing the scene. he managed to take the guy down with a single bullet before realizing it was you who was shot.

he quickly grabbed his phone and dialed 911 and demanded an ambulance at the corner of 5th and maine, alerting them that an agent was down.

"Y/N!" he yelled, running to kneel beside your limp body. "please, no..." he pleaded.

he put his hand to your neck in an attempt to find any pulse. there was a weak one. there was that hope again. he pulled you onto his lap, your body now resting atop his.

"stay with me. i-i didn't get to tell you how i felt," he cried as he put pressure on where the blood was coming out.

"sp-spencer?" you asked, barely regaining consciousness.

"it's me, y/n. i'm here," he soothed, running a hand through your hair to move it from your face.

"i'm s-s-sorry," you choked out, feeling your eyelids become heavier by the second.

"no. don't apologize to me," he told you. "i should be apologizing."

"it's n-not... your... fault," you felt your breath coming slower, the weight on your chest becoming unbearable.

"i-if i would've just told you how i felt..." he began thinking about how horrible a mistake he had made.

sirens were nearing, hope was becoming greater. spencer clung to your body tighter than ever as if holding you closer to him would will your heart to beat stronger, even if it was for just a bit longer.

"i-i..." you took another uneven breath, reaching your hand up slowly to wipe a tear from his face. "lo-love..." another breath. "you," you finished, your hand cascading down from his face and falling limp onto spencer’s lap, now accepting your own fate as the ambulance was now right outside the alley.

there was a moment when spencer thought maybe you’d wake up. you’d come back to him. but once they loaded you into the ambulance he had to accept one thing.

he had lost his everything...

@averyhotchner @greenprisca @muffin-cup

[page-doctor-bekker]

transfemme!sarah au

thinking about transfemme!sarah

literally coming up with this au on the fly but here you go

this is literally so long but whatever i like it

there are a couple trigger warnings in this (suicide, hate crimes), they’re listed in bold italicized writing before and after the trigger so you can easily skip them. this is in bullet point format.

anyways i love this and i'm obsessed with it so enjoy! first chicago med au. it doesn't really have a name yet but i'm tagging it transfemme!sarah for now

from the minute sarah was born she was definitely different, and her parents actually had her tested for autism

then got her tested again when the first one was negative. and then again when the second one was negative.

her parents were actually so positive that she was autistic that finally one of the psychologists ended up giving her a PDDNOS (pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified) diagnosis until a therapist suggested gender dysphoria

i mean back then kids weren’t trans they were just Troubled(tm)

so up until she was about nine or so they figured she just didn’t have enough care for social cues that she didn’t understand gender enough to act like a boy instead of acting like a girl. she refused to wear “boy’s” clothes which was mistaken for sensory issues, had anger issues and outbursts that were mistaken for meltdowns, they really thought she was autistic

i mean. she pretended to breastfeed baby dolls for christ’s sake.

anyways once her therapist figured this out, she was discharged and transferred to a gender specialist psychologist who revoked the pddnos diagnosis and switched it to a gender dysphoria diagnosis

sarah’s mom was completely on board and had quietly suspected it herself but her dad

hooo boy her dad

her dad hated the idea so much that he basically walked out and never came back

sarah started going by sarah because she loved sarah from hocus pocus

anyways she was 9 when she changed her name and she moved schools because she was getting bullied

when she was 10 all her girl friends at her new school started growing boobs and getting their periods and sarah started getting really depressed

which ultimately lead her mom to take her to an endocrinologist that specialized in gender diverse care

and she started puberty blockers

sudden new issue: sarah is terrified of needles. her childhood vaccines caused full-blown panic attacks and the blockers were no different.

she is horrifically stubborn and determined to make this work though

so she kept going. and every week she had a panic attack and had to skip her injections a couple times because she just couldn’t handle it

but eventually, her panic attacks got less and less overwhelming with the help of being prescribed a benzo to take fifteen minutes before her injection. eventually once she could handle the injections with the help of the benzo, they tapered it off until she could 100% handle needles sober. this took close to two years, but she did it.

(side note - this positive experience with exposure therapy was why she was so keen on trying it during s3 with dr charles)

so at this point she’s about twelve and still feels left out from her peers. she’s going into middle school, her friends are all growing up physically and she just feels left behind

her mom tries to convince her that some girls are just late bloomers, she can still fit in even if she waits to go on estrogen, nobody is going to suspect a thing, etc etc etc

but it gets really bad. her dysphoria gets terrible and she starts having panic attacks so severe that she had to leave school and be homeschooled.

SUICIDE TW UNDER HERE

then sarah attempts suicide

she spends about a month in the psych ward to recover, and ultimately the doctors advised starting low dose hormone replacement to alleviate her dysphoria

SUICIDE TW OVER

sarah cried when she had her first estradiol injection, but this time it was happy tears, not tears of panic

she had injections weekly, and as she started to see changes she got so, so much happier

fat redistributed, her skin got softer, she even started to grow breasts. lots of fun stuff.

they later added progesterone for more effects when she was in highschool

also in highschool she found out she was a lesbian. not important rn but that did happened

her graduation gift from her mom was breast augmentation surgery <3 congratulations sarah ily

after all that, she finally decided she wanted to go into medicine.

so she started college and moved to chicago

the first year of college, she was out and proud and even had an officer position at the gsa on campus

HATE CRIME TW

in her second year she was the victim of a pretty bad hate crime committed by a group of frat boys on campus. she was attacked walking home from a party at night.

HATE CRIME TW OVER

while she recovered from that experience, both mentally and physically, she had to take a gap year from college and move back home with her mother

her mother persuaded her to finish her degree closer to home, so sarah stayed home for the last two and a half years of college, and upon graduating college, she decides to move back to chicago for med school

this time she stays closeted because she has ptsd from college

first three years are uneventful but she does quietly get a bottom surgery consult, but she decides not to move forward for awhile

and that brings us to season one

alrighty season one

as we know there’s a lil mild homophobia and whatnot in the hospital and as a result of that, sarah deals with some lovely compulsive heterosexuality and is still extremely closeted

so she dates joey even though she is most definitely a lesbian in denial but she doesn’t tell him she’s trans out of fear

then things with joey get even more serious and he wants to get intimate with her, so he makes an advance one night when they’re home watching a movie

so she lies her way out of it, says she’s waiting for marriage and not ready and blah blah blah

total lies

she’s a lesbian and she knows this

so anyways she breaks up with him right after she graduates med school, quits pathology to avoid him, and mourns the loss for a bit before she realizes

she wants to move forward with bottom surgery

so she schedules an orchiectomy and has that done during the time before she was hired by dr. charles

for laymen, an orchiectomy is the removal of the the testicles :) typically the first step in multi-stage bottom surgery, which is where you do each stage of bottom surgery at different times

anyways it fits into the timeline because recovery from that procedure takes less than a week

then dr charles hires her for s2, events of s2 go as written

then the sexy ava bekker moves to chicago med from south africa and sarah is SMITTEN

anyways i should probably stop here and avoid spoilers

well whatever i'm open to asks abt this <3

[kachinnate]

reblogn’t, there’s nothing too triggery about this it’s just semi personal re: how one of my ex-best friends ruined lgw from b//mc for me and also just like... in the same vein the Less Discussed portion of my spring of ‘19 Traumas bc this ex-best friend out of 3 caused the least damage and therefore in my mind he got away with a lot more

i’ve just been thinkin about it a lot, idk. i don’t think i’ve ever talked about this specific thing to anyone (explicitly or in detail) and it’s bothered me for so long and i know talking about it on here fixes nothing rlly but.. idk! some kayla lore if you wanted it, mayhaps this will get deleted in like ten minutes after being posted so get it hot while you can

just for context my junior year of high school (aka the Worst One) i drove my at-the-time best friend to school every day -- we lived like a street away from each other, and he didn’t like the Bus and he wasn’t always able to take his mom’s car because we both did theatre together and therefore would be at the school for a Long Ass Time, and like... he was my friend! so i drove him to school! and.. in times like that, it was a good incentive to get myself up, too, cuz shit was lowkey rough back then and i’d feel bad if i made both of us late. 

said best friend was super into musical theatre - like, he wanted to be a musical theatre major, so he’s super well versed on like Most Musicals all the classics w/e .. snob doesn’t feel like the right word bc sometimes he genuinely Did like stuff that was simply Silly/dumb for the sake of it being Silly/dumb but it’s the closest word i can think of. i was constantly embarrassed that my favorite musical was d//eh, and to this day he still barely knows anything about it because 1. he himself didn’t listen/pay much attention to it and 2. despite it literally being my hyperfixation since like my sophomore year, i didn’t feel comfortable talking to him about it bc of what few criticisms he gave it. but he did know it was my fav, he knew that i had a Love for w/rol bc i talked abt him a lot. 

lgw was the first thing from b//mc broadway to get released - and i know like 3-4 different versions of it got released too lmao but this was like the Very First One, i’d never heard it before! i didn’t realize it’d been released until i was idling in front of his house so naturally i was like “oh bet let’s listen to it together” 

he didn’t really like b//mc either for the same reasons he didn’t like d//eh, but it was like... much less so, idk - he liked m//itb so like i figured it was indifference at best.. but regardless uh my fuckin car i’m gonna listen to it if i want to <3 also like if it was good i doubt he’d care abt what it was from 

anyway, he got in, and i played it. the drive to school isn’t that far, so it finished like, while we were in the busy lane waiting to turn into our high school

and like i was really “:DD” bc like it was good that w/rol note held out at the end was kinda Magical and also in context of the musical??? wow YES jeremy finally getting his Protagonist Song(tm) he deserves it and it makes me feel !!!

i hadn’t said anything yet, but literally the first words out of my friend’s mouth were some semblance of “wow, that was terrible” which like. yeah. killed the mood pretty quick skdjgnsdf

he like started digging Into it like making fun of the chorus and will’s voice and i was kinda just quiet like “oh,,, i guess,,” bc i didn’t know what else to do, like i felt bad immediately trying to defend it bc i’d only heard it that One time and also confrontation is hard and confrontation specifically w him was hard, especially bc he was like Genuinely ragging on the song, not in a jokey way

and like.... he eventually stopped because he could tell i was genuinely getting distressed and he kept going like “hey it’s nbd kayla it’s not like you wrote the song” which jsdkgsd to this day i’m not sure what that means or why he thought it’d be comforting but. whatever. the whole thing made me feel really bad and inferior 

in the coming weeks of the actual b//mc soundtrack getting released he also made fun of ilpr at one point, how st/ephanie h/su was “”too much”” or something - idk. those criticisms didn’t bug me as much bc at that point i’d already been resigned about the whole thing, and it’s not like i played that song for him and he said that, he’d listened to it on his own time and just thought for some reason to mention it to me. 

and it’s frustrating, because i can’t even be like “he just doesn’t like new musicals”, bc he really liked h//adestown and there’s usually a musical or two from the tony’s every year he gets into, it was just like... the ones i liked he didn’t [pensive] and i know i know it wasn’t personal, he’s just LIKE that, but .... aughhh it really bothered me when he’d dig into stuff i liked and was always just like “u didn’t write it u didn’t make it” like that was supposed to make my interest in this Thing despite his Distaste ok.... 

and like despite this he was still the person i was closest to - this was merely a blip in the whole grand scheme of things, just.. something that bugged me. it took me until after i graduated to realize he’d been a sociopath, that he was never choosing me, i was just.. around, which. sucks. i spent a lot of time sitting with him in my car in front of his house talking about musicals and life for more hours than i’d like to admit. when he broke down crying on his 18th birthday telling us that he didn’t know if he’d ever be enough, i thought that i’d actually started to understand him. 

he’d been my ‘best friend’ since elementary school. i dated him at one point before we both realized we were queer. we’d been the only two seniors who’d been in every show together. despite all the bullshit, he was always there. he assimilated to the personality of our friend group every year when we were around different people, but he was still around, i was still always there for him - he couldn’t assimilate to my personality because to him there were no traits to take, we’d known each other for too long. 

a couple weeks into senior year, i full on sobbed to him in my car telling him about how he and the friend group made me feel so bad last year, told him about how i stopped taking my meds during the musical. he told me that he had no idea that i was feeling like that, that he didn’t know. but i’d driven him to school every day.

the last time we’ve talked in person was march 14th, the last day school for the 2019-2020 year was in session. 

i haven’t taken it off, but i skip lgw whenever it comes on my musical playlist because it still makes my chest feel tight.

[sparklecarehospital]

could you maybe ramble off some fun facts about the characters? i rlly love learning abt them and it calmz me down a lot 4 some reason.. if u dont have the energy its ok!!

You have NO IDEA how excited this ask makes me because I LOVE talking about everyone so here's some stuff about Uni and Barry!!! (Also don't worry about me not having energy this is like all I can talk about sometimes)!!!!!!

Barry:

Reads and writes fan fiction about Bingo Bongo Theory, has a crush on Shelldon (a tortoise) and gets mad if you call him a turtle. He actually likes writing a lot, but he's honestly TERRIBLE at it, using overly complex words and bad sentence structure. He thinks he's great and has fun though which is honestly really valid and good

His favorite flower is lavender

His favorite color is orange

Has vivid dreams, usually about situations he's in (like the hospital). He also dreams about people obsessively when he has feelings for them and it makes him really mad. He's had prophetic dreams and they make him really paranoid and it feeds into the fact he thinks he knows everything.

Actually very affectionate if you're close with him, he will give hugs to people if he trusts them but he struggles immensely with touching hands directly unless he trusts you more than anyone on the planet (so if he wants to hold hands with you he's probably deeply in love with you)

He likes 5980's music (which is 80s music on Earth) and is embarrassed about it because he feels it's not good for his Intellectual and Sophisticated Image.

He actually feels a lot of anxiety over some of his interests because he's worried about people thinking less of him.

Has a unicorn stuffed animal named Corny that he was given as a baby

Vegan!!! He doesn't like products that come from orbs.

LOVES when people actually listen to him infodump because it doesn't happen very often!!! He loves talking about science and different kinds of it, especially stuff like outer space and stars and constellations. It fascinates him endlessly and he wants to learn more about the universe

Favorite subject in school was science, still is

He doesn't like saying swear words and this means he won't call the Bitch Sea by its name. He calls it the Dog Sea instead

Uni:

His favorite colors are pink and green

Has a really specific nervous stim which is clenching his upper arm (either one, but usually the left). If he does this he's really nervous or anxious or upset, and it helps him feel better to kinda shield himself like that. (I draw him doing this a lot)

His favorite vegetable and food in general is carrots and anything of the carrot variety. But he doesn't liked canned carrots at all

Favorite flower is roses

Has an OC universe called the Glooneeverse that focuses on his OC named Gloo Mee and one named Sue Nee. Gloo is a cat who lives in a raincloud and cries constantly, and Sue is a dog that is happy and lives in a cloud house with sunshine constantly radiating from her. Gloo and Sue are OCs that Uni has had since elementary school that he used to make comic strips about. He has a lot of little comic books he's made over the years at the hospital about the two of them. He doesn't like sharing them though because he doubts his art a lot.

Always technically crying blood but when he ACTUALLY cries he gets it literally everywhere. He needs to wash things a lot because of getting blood on them (sometimes including Bearry). It's usually his pillow case or gown

He makes puppets of his friends and practices conversations with them whenever he's lonely or needs someone to talk to but doesn't wanna leave his room- which is actually most of the time, he only leaves to eat or go to club or OT. He doesn't loiter around like Carrie does because he's kinda introverted and gets anxious if he's out of his hospital room for too long.

Has really bad insomnia and sometimes passes out from lack of sleep. He takes meds for it but they don't really help. When he does sleep he usually has nightmares

He doesn't need his glasses to get around the hospital because he's memorized the layout, he only uses them when he's making art or gaming or something. He actually doesn't even know what some new patients look like outside of color because what little vision he has is blurry and dim. If he were to leave he'd be REALLY lost and need guidance by someone with good vision

Develops feelings for people really easily. If someone's nice to him he will probably get a crush on them (in the event that they are also a guy) but sometimes he just likes guys randomly. He's had a crush on most guys in the hospital at some point but most of them have faded or become less prominent/irrelevant. The feelings he gets are never very serious and he's actually never been genuinely in love with anybody before!!!!!!

Likes music that is upbeat and poppy and dancey, because it gets him inspired to make art. But he doesn't actually like to dance, just sit there and listen to the music

(almost forgot this really specific one) HAS A HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE FEAR OF ALIENS. Literally horrible. Talk of aliens or UFO sightings makes him REALLY scared, and he hates sci-fi things that have aliens in them. He actually has nightmares about aliens a lot.

HATES horror movies and anything violent, like violent video games. He struggles with playing games where you have to kill enemies because he gets super sad about hurting them. He can play Orbemon though (Spinch Pokemon)

Regarding each other:

Uni is baby spoon when they cuddle

They like looking at the stars together

Barry likes to watch Uni draw and make art

Uni encourages and tries to help Barry improve his writing even if he struggles to comprehend what it says sometimes

They sometimes listen to music together

Uni likes watching top 10 list videos and will put on sciencey ones for Barry to watch with him. Barry really enjoys that!!!

When either of them have a nightmare they go to the other's bed and talk about it and hug it out and sometimes will sleep in the others bed if they're too scared to be alone even after talking about it

They actually like being together a lot. Uni felt really lonely before Barry came, and Barry didn't have a roommate at school either. Even when they're not talking they just enjoy knowing somebody is there if they need to talk

Sorry this took so long for me to write, I'm pretty sure I spent over an hour on it and it's not even everything I could say about them!!! Sorry if this fills anyone's dash idk how to do read more on mobile

[thethirdwheel404]

Med Rewatch Series (#10)

S3 E10: Down By Law.

Episode Description: Dr. Manning sustains an injury while helping a drive-by victim and Dr. Rhodes finds himself in uncomfortable waters.

Connor being in ‘uncomfortable waters’? I can hear Ava bullying him already.

(also i wrote a little thing abt maggie giving ava a red bull so enjoy that little bit of content)

Let’s get into it.

-barry just yeeted natalie against a car holy shit that’s fucking hilarious

-will needs to chill the fuck out

-YESSSSS

-THIS WHERE CONNOR BRINGS THE WOMAN HE WENT OUT WITH UP FOR MEDICAL TREATMENT. AND THEN AVA HARASSES HIM FOR IT.

-this is one of the most iconic ava moments. (it’s first thing that pops up under the tumblr tag)

-ava overhearing connor not knowing his date’s last name. and ava walking over, already getting ready to make fun of him. barely concealing her smile

-the confidence with which she set down the file. she was too prepared and too excited

-this could just turn into a list of ava quotes

-”It must be hard, remembering all their names.”

“You know I read Derek Jeter used to send his conquests home with a gift basket. But a full cardio work up is... It’s much classier.”

-ava bekker secret baseball fan?

-Connor: “Jeter? You a baseball fan?”

Ava: “Oh, no. It’s much too boring. But I love gossip.”

-interesting. very, interesting... is it weird to anyone else to think about ava liking gossip?

-like the idea is fun and all but i hate the idea of ava being suuuper obsessed with gossip. it makes her seem way too shallow in my book. that being said, one of my hcs about women gossiping about all the shit men do to ava bc they know she’ll call them on it now has a lot more precedence

-i know she explicitly says that baseball is boring but i can’t get the idea of ava being a secret baseball fan out of my head. its just so novel

-HER SHIT EATING GRIN

- Connor: “Well, we will get you in and out of here as quickly as possible.”

Ava: “That’s what Dr. Rhodes is renowned for around here. Quick in and outs.”

Connor: *turns to her condescendingly*

Ava: *two finger salute* “I’m Dr. Bekker, by the way.”

-the lesbian icon jumped out

-also the fact that in the previous episode Ava’s mentor did the exact same salute. idk what it means but it’s not that important

-ava trying to hide her smile when asking the woman if she wanted them to contact her husband

-ava overhearing again when latham tells connor the woman he was with was doing cocaine

-ava smirking when connor says that he thinks the heart attack was from his sex and not the cocaine

-connor thinking he’s so good at sex he’s going to give this woman a heart attack

-he really drives All the ladies wild in EveryWay (sex, suicide. he’s the whole package)

-latham asking connor point blank “did you partake in the cocaine?”

-the ct team gives connor so. much. shit. it’s so funny

-also. ava just chillin at her desk looking at scans? that’s the kind of content i want to see. just her just being there. doing her own thing. that’s what i want

-THE GUY WITH A TEENAGE WIFE IS A REVEREND HOLY SHIT

-counting down the minutes til natalie drops dead (passes out but yk a girl can dream lol)

-sarah. back at it again with her rayon jacket and button up and backpack. the coffee cup only adds to the aesthetic

-connor being surprised that latham isn’t gonna let him do surgery on the women he fucked (twice, he might add)

- whatever you do, don’t think of a brown bear. are you thinking about it?

-maggie dealing red bull to people who need it. that’s a very soft idea

- ex:

Dr. Bekker is sitting at the desk in the ED. Well, sleeping, more like it. Her head is resting on her fist, her elbow precariously close to slipping off the the chair armrest, and her eyes open by just a hair.

“Dr. Bekker.”

Ava jolts awake.

“Maggie,” Ava says, strong accent cutting through, acknowledging the person standing over her. Hastily, she adjusts her jacket and scrubs, smoothing them back into place.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this tired.”

Ava shrugs, seamlessly slipping back into easy confidence.

“Rough couple of cases. Nothing I can’t handle.”

“Uh huh,” Maggie says, unbelieving.

She sets a can of Red Bull on the desk with a knowing look.

“You need this more than anybody.”

Ava scoffs. “Those things? They are murder on your heart, come on.”

Maggie hums and walks away. Ava watches her leave, and when she’s out of sight, Ava darts forward, grabs the energy drink, immediately cracking it open and downing half of it.

- anyway.

- @punksarahreese that’s on you for making me believe ava loves energy drinks

- let’s continue

- sarah looking at charles telling her not to do something: I am not going to do a thing you said

- go off babe. it was the wrong decision but go off

- all the nurses watching this guy call nat a bitch:  👀 👀 👀 👀

- will being like: god that guy called you a bitch i fucking hate him

- and natalie being like: he is also refusing to let us treat the 14 yr olds cancer but you obviously have priorities

- sarah is so logical. she’s good at talking to people. can you FUCKING IMAGINE IF SHE HAD BETTER GUIDANCE (oh and less trauma)

- this is also the one with that hilarious screen cap of sarah holding a knife

- the way she is so calm about handing this patient a knife gives me anxiety

- THIS SCENE IS SO HARD TO WATCH IT SCARES ME SO MUCH

- sarah just in alone in a room with a man who keeps having visions of stabbing his wife. and her just handing him a fucking knife oh my god i have too much anxiety for this

- rewatching the series and getting completely confused bc norma is 5′7″ but she looks so short next to colin and the guy who plays latham

- AND RACHEL IS ALSO 5′ 7″ BUT THEY BOTH LOOK SO SHORT - WHY EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW SO TALL

- anyway. ignore that that’s not important

- I... the parallels btwn sarah offering this guy the ability to slit her throat (for therapy) and ava cutting her throat... i don’t know what to do with this information

- idk but sarah holding the knife got me feelin some type of way

- the way connor looks at ava with such contempt bc she... does her job (and his but yk) especially during the hug wtf dude honestly just stop looking at her

- this is also the episode where ava pawns off the patient’s hug onto connor. while yeah, it could ava just being annoying to connor by forcing him to hug his one night stand’s husband, but she did give connor due credit. (and something to be said about her being confused and a tad uncomfortable when the patient hugs her, which is why she pawns it off to rhodes)

- she also doesn’t hug the guy back, which is kind of funny, she never moves her arms and just shrugs out of it

- and like after the hug she takes a few steps away from the guy, really not wanting any more physical contact or attention

- there’s something interesting in ava’s expression when connor gets hugged by the guy, can’t quite explain it. i’m gonna go with it’s her trying to keep a straight face while connor hugs a man he just helped a woman cheat on, but that’s not all of it so

- or. okay, I think i got it. i think that that little expression when connor gets hugged is her rolling her eyes at him getting credit when ava did most of the heavy lifting. yes. final answer. i’m satisfied

- and her looking away from them is her stopping herself from laughing, bc connor is obviously not enjoying this

- and he’s so sad and angsty he can’t even play along with the jokes

- and ava smiling at him with pity as she walks in to talk to the patient, bc that’s really what it is. she feels bad for him bc connor is so obviously lonely

- and connor’s annoyed bc ‘dammit she does have a right to pity me i suck rn’

- med pushing the women are tough agenda LITERALLY SHUT THE FUCK UP

- you hate your women characters so much just fucking shut your mouth

- and will being like ‘ i have a lot to learn about women not being objects’

- and nat saying ‘you are way further along than most’ like no, he’s not. the bar is on the ground and he still can’t jump it

- i’m pretty sure this show doesn’t pass the bechdel test. holy fucking shit it doesn’t. you’ve gotta be kidding me. (at least this episode doesn’t)

I can’t believe this episode didn’t pass the bechdel test. The only convo btwn two women were like maggie and sharon and they talk about barry and oh my god this is infuriating god med the bar is so low. And I’m pretty sure most episodes don’t pass the test anyway. Will is literally the representation of med. He gets lots of credit for doing bare minimum things like giving women rights.

Anyway.

This was a good episode. We dissected a lot of unspoken Ava things, which is very good. Ava had a lot of moments where she was there, but didn’t say anything, and when your characters can do that, that’s when you know your characterization is very good.

The moments where Ava isn’t really doing anything to forward the plot of the episode but she’s still just there, doing her own thing, are hands down my favorite. Her sitting at the desk looking at a scan while connor tells latham he didn’t do cocaine could possibly my favorite ava moment in the series, just bc it shows how much of her own character should could’ve been.

I drew an interesting parallel btwn sarah offering the guy to slit her throat and ava’s death. i have nothing for that but go wild

This episode also showed us Ava pitying Connor, another new aspect. she gives him shit but she also pities him. very good ep for little ava moments

as always, thanks for sticking through it

-

read the rest here:

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Extra

[pocmuzings]

um... kassie for the ship headcanon meme hehe

this is my wife btw  . . . doing this to me . . ok . . hot . . will do .  u know i’d do anything for u  . . 

1. Who makes the first move and how? i honestly think it was pretty even steven here ? they both bickered a lot at their photo shoot , working together . i feel like cassie was SO frustrated with him and his easy charm / cockiness that she probably kissed him first just to shut him up 

2. Who is the most insecure and what makes them feel better? cassie has always had severe insecurities and issues there . i think just being in the same space as kyle always soothes her ? like he’ll make a dumb joke , or say smth dumb n sarcastic or poke fun at her lightly at it’ll kinda help her get out of her head ? she also loves taking baths , or just lying in bed together . 

3. Who is the most romantic? i feel like it’s cassie with the smaller things . she remembers the birthdays and she’ll see a cologne she think would be nice on kyle . but kylie is romantic in a lot of different ways , too . he’ll do things like clean the dishes or cook dinner if cassie seems particularly stressed . he’ll help organise her calendar . he’ll be more practical with how he helps her out at times  ?

4. Who can’t keep their hands to themselves? both of them dfjkfjn but probably mainly cassie . she sees kyle anywhere and shes like PURR

5. Who says ‘I love you’ first? absolutely cassie and then she probably sprinted away in pure fear bc shes like ‘why did u say that why why why ‘  

6. Who would they ask if they ever had a threesome? tyler ? max ? those would be cassies pick . honestly it wouldn’t surprise me if kyle has Asked the q so they’d probably just get some random hot model they work together with some time

7. What do they get up to on a night out? a LOT of shots and a LOT of dancing and it gets very messy bc they’ll be in vip areas and having bottle service . it’ll end with a quickie in the bathroom , or her lipstick all over kyle’s neck and mouth and them probably getting kicked out for being too rowdy

8. What do they like in bed? they’re both pretty experimental ? cassie likes tying kyle up every now and then and like . . kinda being in control there when she can ? but she’s a definite switch and likes when he ties her up , or they’re in a kitchen with food getting messy . cassie likes when shes doing something and kyle just spins her from behind , or he’ll be the one to grab her and just be insatiable about her . she likes spontaneous sex and she’ll never say no to a quickie . both of them are Experienced players in the sex game so they’ve probably both tried everything once , and probably leave a lot of bruises on each other and hickies . 

9. What is the most embarrassing thing they have done in front of each other? honestly at any shoot if like . . cassie’s outfit has fallen apart in front of kyle , or she feels like the shoot isn’t going well and he’s there ? she gets mortified . also the first time she said ‘ i love you ‘ was pretty embarrassing to her bc kyle was probably 1000% taken aback . kyle doesn’t really get embarrassed ?!?!? like he just is like . .yeah i did that . anyways fjnfdjk 

10. What two songs, two books and two luxury items do they take to a desert island? IM SKIPPING THIS Q ITS TOO HARD

11. What do they hide from one another? kyle definitely hides the amount of girls he’s slept with in their industry ? bc its a lot i feel ? and he knows cassie gets jealous and mad insecure . so he probably tries not to bring that up really often but cassie usually KNOWS ANYWAYS . cassie mainly hides like if shes had a bad day or isnt doing too hot , bc she hates inconveniencing kyle but then that starts a fight bc hes like ?? just tell me ? ?

12. What first changes when it starts getting serious? less work trips . less spending time apart . less kissing other people / sleeping with other people ( actually . .NO kissing other ppl and sleeping with other ppl ) . they’re both NOT monogamists at all so its a struggle but thats the sign that they wanna make things serious ? that they’re commiting to each other ? 

13. When do they realise they should get together? HONESTLY I DON’T KNOW ? i think its when cassie was with gale and then . . kyle came back and things got really messy and cassie and gale broke up . kyle and cassie tried the whole friends thing but they both knew they were in love with each other ? like they’d never tried just being FRIENDS first so i think thats what really cemented it and their feelings and surety ?  

14. When one has a cold, what does the other do? kyle probably laughs and calls her adorable and kisses her nose bc shes so whiny when shes sick . but he’ll bring her home 300 medicines and soups . cassie has to literally force him to take time off work and then she’ll take the day off to make sure he properly rests dkjfkjnfjk

15. When they watch a film what do they choose and why? they probably pick anything random bc honestly they get distracted and never finish it :-)

16. When the zombie apocalypse comes, how do they cope together? KYLE TO THE RESCUE ! i think cassie would make a great scavenger and find lil helpful things but kyle would be v stoic and protective and he’d be the Muscle of it all . 

17. When they find a time machine, where do they go? absolutely back to high school them . they were so happy and stupid and soft back then . they were goofy and in love without even knowing it . 

18. When they fight, how do they make up? sex . a lot of sex . yelling and then sex . sex and then yelling . it’s always a bit messy , but one of them will always finally give in and come back with their tail between their legs and apologise . 

19. Where do they go on their first date? honestly they never really did dates but i feel one of their many dates is probably to paris , a fancy restaurant there  where they’re known really well by all staff . 

20. Where do they go on holiday? EVERYWHERE!  they both travel a bunch so they’ll go to their favourite places . cassie wants to see kyle’s home but she knows kyle hates his dad so that may not happen fjkfnfj . milan . . greece ( if they really wanna a getaway ) . hawaii . any island or tropical place ! or france bc fashion ! 

21. Where do they get nervous about going with one another? cassie is always nervous about like paparazzi and stuff when they go out in red carpets and stuff bc they say a lot of dumb shit to rile them up ??? also cassie gets nervous before bringing kyle to her mums grave . i definitely know kyle would be nervous and not ok with cassie meeting his parents . .

22. Where does their first kiss happen? i think it happened on shoot ? they had to kiss for a shoot i think and it was Grating and Annoying and kyle was being so smug , and then they . . kissed more backstage sdjknfnkjfkjn

23. Where is their favourite place to be together? probably nice 5 star hotel rooms bc they can live their life and not worry too much abt clean up and stuff fkjnfnkfnf cliche but anywhere theyre together . . theyre happy . .

24. Where do they first have sex? probably in a limo , all rushed and heated , hand prints all over the leather , their bodies , and the windows. 

25. Why do they fight? bc they’re both really stubborn and too similar . they fight bc one is jealous of the other . they fight bc of their body count . or bc of their coworkers or the types of shoots they do ( a la sexy ) . they fight when one is away too much . honestly its mainly cassie i think cassie gets riled up very easily . kyle gets mad when CASSIE is being unreasonable which is 3000% of the time . cassie is just always lowkey scared kyle will leave her again dkjfjk

26. Why do they need to have a serious chat? probably if kyle went home and then came back and was acting v distant or short with cassie ? then she’d be like ok we r talking . honestly . probably talk to each other about their dumb jealousy issues if it got too out of hand . i know kyle monitors cassie taking her meds so if she tried to go off them unsolicited he’d be like baby no . 

27. Why do their friends get annoyed with them? bc they bicker and then fuck all the time JKFDJNFJKF

28. Why do they get jealous? bc they’ve both . . slept with everyone ! they’re both hoes ! 

29. Why do they fall a little bit more in love? bc they were horribly destined to be together and everytime they see each other they’re ALL the other one sees . they can’t keep their eyes ( or hands ) off each other . they fall more in love everytime they spend a second of time together and learn more of each other in any manner or form . 

30. Why does it work (or not work) between them? it doesn’t work . . it CAN’T work . but somehow it does . from all their jealousies and insecurities . from all the kinda - cheating , and the fighting , and the leaving each other , and the other issues . . from EVERYTHING . . they’re just too epic to not have worked , u know ? they are soul mates in a way . they always always found their way back to each other . they’re inseparable . they will never stop loving each other , no matter what . good , bad , ugly , beautiful . 

[loplainlointhemorning]

can i get some gay classics recommendations?

I don’t particularly read like, LGBT books bc I kinda just read whatever I end up with, but I do watch tons of LGBT films so I’ll hit u with that.

1. My Own Private Idaho, a brilliant film, one of my favorites. The main character is a gay man(I intend to give u the specific orientations of the main characters in case u want some specific representation) and deals with themes of abuse, abandonment, mental illness, unrequited love, homelessness, etc.

2. Brokeback Mountain- The “gay cowboy movie”, the two main characters are gay men trying to uphold a relationship in(I believe?) 50’s rural America. broke my heart mountain

3. Pink Narcissus- One of those art films with no plot. I saw a terrible copy while half asleep & on meds and it still blew my mind with how beautiful it was. the main character is a cute twink and I kin him.

4. Velvet Goldmine- My favorite movie of all time, there really is no main character but all of them are LGBT. It has huge bisexual representation, it’s beautiful beautiful beautiful, it’s partially based on the lives of David Bowie, Lou Reed, and Iggy Pop. Half the script is Oscar Wilde quotes.

5. Kill Your Darlings- A pretty innacurate but fun none the less movie about the beat poets(Kerouac, Ginsberg, Burroughs) centering mainly on Ginsberg. Everybody is fucking gay. I love it.

6. Shortbus- Directed by John Cameron Mitchell and uh, filled with porn, I haven’t seen the whole thing but I respect it so much bc it’s campy and everyone’s homo and it’s a ride. Literally.

7. Liquid Sky- Canon bisexual characters, plays seriously with gender, will make u feel so valid as a genderqueer person, weird plot, GREAT clothes, I love Anne Carlisle.

8. The Runaways(2010), a biopic abt the all girl band The Runaways. Bc the characters are teens and it kinda deals w them dealing w repressed bisexuality I think it’s really important for teen girls to watch. It meant a lot to me.

9. Trainspotting/Trainspotting 2: Neither Of these r explicitly gay but Renton is coded bisexual and he & Sick Boy are practically married by the end of the 2nd one so. Really makes u wanna shave ur head.

10. Desert Hearts- Adorable lesbian movie abt two gays in the desert. Really sweet, really poignant, Cay is SO cute, and I loved the whole thing.

11. Women In Revolt- Two of the main characters are bi, Candy is straight.....? Maybe they’re all bi. I have no idea. Not v important. It’s an Andy Warhol movie & the three main characters r played by trans women(Candy Darling, Holly Woodlawn, Jackie Curtis), all three of whom have ended up being pretty major in LGBT history. Aside from that they’re just really cool girls, especially Candy, who’s my favorite of course. This movie is hilarious and fun and the ending is stellar and I think a very good representation of accidental brilliance.

12. Some Of My Best Friends Are...- Candy is in this one too and gives, no doubt, one of the most moving performances I’ve seen in any film ever. It’s centered around a gay club at New Years(I think? May be Christmas, it’s been a while since I’ve seen it) and it’s just. She’s the best part but all of it is fascinating. Major trigger warning for trans violence though.

13. Aimee and Jaguar- Absolutely fucking heartbreaking but one of the most compelling wlw films I’ve ever seen in my life. Takes place in Nazi Germany- A relationship between a Nazi sergeants wife and a Jewish woman. You can imagine how it ends.

14. Fried Green Tomatoes- I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE AND THE BOOK IS EVEN BETTER. Bisexual/Lesbian relationship, not explicit in the film but explicit in the novel. However you can still tell they’re gay in the film so, not that bad. Takes place in 1920’s Alabama so there’s a lot of racial stuff to sit through obviously. I don’t know if you’re in the mood to deal with that, so.

15. The Color Purple- This movie messed me up for two whole days, I read the book and it didn’t affect me half as much. It’s beautiful. A lesbian relationship between two black women in the South in I believe the 1910’s, though the relationship isn’t even as important as what’s going on in the foreground. The ending is happy though and that’s a change. It just tears you up but it has the decency to fix itself, I only ever saw it once a year ago but I’m desperate to see it again.

16. Hedwig and the Angry Inch- this movie saved my life when I was 14 and has such a fascinating story regarding gender, it’s kind of short but it’s packed with JAMS(it’s a musical) and Hedwig Robinson is my real mom. I don’t wanna spoil anything but yeah, trans rock diva from Germany tells her tale, just watch it.

17. Wilde- Biographical film abt Oscar Wilde. Watch it. Inhale it.

18. Orlando- I read the book for this one too but I prefer the movie!! More cool nb gender shit!! I love it!! Watch it!! Tilda Swinton kisses some Russian chick and it’s wild!! Best thing ever. Roll with it.

19. Two Of Us- Ok so I know it’s not cool to like The Beatles rn but uh, if you do like them, this is a film about John Lennon and Paul McCartney that speculates on a visit between them after the Beatles broke up. It’s. So gay. Paul makes John cry by telling him he’s beautiful. John kisses him in an elevator as a “”””joke””””. I LOVED it when I was 14 and I recently rewatched it, very entertaining.

[snapsicle]

is it okay to ask abt the ackee thing? im sorry if im overstepping, but the ask made me curious, and hes made me uncomfortable in the past too, so im not looking to defend. again, its absolutely fine if you dont wanna go into it, i only wanna know if the one answering me wants to answer. otherwise, have a great day

okay so i thought this was over and done with, but about a little less than 2 years ago i had a mental breakdown and happened to have access to tumblr. I had really bad untreated psychosis at the time (Im on pills now) and i just broke down and said “Yeah im in a coma now” and convinced myself that was true. 

I was getting made fun of by Ackee and a few of his friends for making a post that said “Violent Mentally ill people deserve treatment” shortly after reblogging a post that had a little joke about school shootings (shitty, i know, this part im not proud of) so i thought i was in a coma and my half-made up sister named “Jo” (My sister’s real name is Josie, she doesn’t go by Jo) made a whole bunch of rambling psychotic posts and sent asks which were obviously made by someone Very Sick, all the while Ackee and 1000 different anons sending me rape and death threats en masse.

I was hospitalized for 1 week shortly after because i was extremely suicidal and having constant hallucinations and delusions, and i said a lot of stupid things im not proud of, and since then i have learned. i have changed. it has been a really long time and i am better now, I am on meds and i am learning from my mistakes. I remade, and here i am! I’ve made mistakes in the past, i’m not perfect, but im gonna come right out and say Ackee is kind of a shitty person for multiple reasons

thats the story. hopefully i dont get hate for this again hahahsf

[kae-karo]

Katie I’m about to fly completely on my own for the first time this Friday and I’m pretty anxious about it. Do you have any advise you could give me about flying/the airport/packing/anything really? Thank you in advance :S x

hi b! ooooookay wow finally the 38 flights i went on last year will come in handy!

packing:

okay traveling by yourself if you’ve never done it before won’t necessarily impact your packing - just be sure that if you have a small carry-on bag that you don’t have any liquids over 2.5oz and remember that like. if you forget something, a lot of hotels (if that’s where you’re staying) will have stuff you can use for free, just ask them. worst case they usually have some stuff you can buy but most places are like really nice. if you’re staying with friends/family, just ask if you forgot something!

most people usually do like a carry-on bag and a checked bag, but just do whatever you normally do, and then make sure your carry-on has your id/passport, your phone, a charger for said phone, your wallet, any meds you have or anything you can’t go for the entire flight without, and then something to do on the plane (book, game, laptop, tablet, etc)

my necessities: phone, wallet, passport if i’m going international, keys cause i usually have to get back in my house after lmao, laptop, chargers for laptop and phone, a portable charger, headphones

here’s the hard tip: acknowledge that you probably will forget something. i literally travel almost every month of the year and i forget one thing every time. but it’s gonna be okay. as long as you have your id/passport/wallet and phone, things will be okay

before you travel:

okay so i have the apps for like all the major airlines and i usually try to check myself in right when i’m allowed to (24hr before). if you’re on southwest, set yourself a reminder so you can check in exactly 24hr before the flight and make sure you get a decent boarding number cause they do it on first come first serve

otherwise, just check in and save a screenshot of your boarding pass to your phone. i usually just do everything with the boarding pass in the app or saved to my photos but you can get a paper copy at the airport as well, and don’t stress if you lose it or w.e once you’re past security cause the gate attendants can print a new one (or you can just use the mobile)

oh the other thing here is you can sometimes choose a different seat whilst checking in? so if you see the one that’s assigned to you and you Don’t Like It, see if any others are available that you might prefer. i always go for the closest aisle seat to the front when traveling alone

and ofc you’ll want to make sure you have some kind of plan for once you arrive at your destination for how you’ll be getting wherever you’re going - taxi, uber, ride from friend/fam, public transport, whatever, just kind of have an idea what you need to do so you’re not stressing once you land

this one is one that doesn’t apply to me, but definitely something to check and look into if needed: if you have any special requirements or needs whilst in the airport or flying, ie wheelchairs or special accommodations or w.e, make sure you know what you have to do when you arrive

leaving for the airport:

okay first and foremost, depending on your airport, you’ll want to be sure you arrive at least 1.5hr early (this is like my personal rule of thumb bc i usually fly in and out of moderately large airports and i have Massive Paranoia about traveling for some reason?? even though i take like 12+ trips a year? but most places require no less than 40ish minutes ahead of time, that’s like super tight though i do Not recommend) - keep in mind like. traffic and stuff, if you’re going to the airport during rush hour or w.e make time for that

if you’re not familiar with your airport and like getting in (bc there’s usually a massive amount of like exits and ‘turn here for this’ sort of things) talk to someone who is familiar with it or like. google maps it ahead of time and street view walk yourself through it, whatever you need to do to feel comfy so if you’re the one driving, you know where to go to park/etc. if you’re ubering or having someone drop you off, just be sure you know which airline you’re on as they’ll drop you off in the right place

checking in:

okay if you’re already checked in and you don’t have a checked bag, you can head straight to security, but if you do need to check your bag, use the kiosks they’re always faster and you don’t have to wait in line. it’s pretty self-explanatory, usually, just enter the identifying info and it’ll probably note that you’re already checked in and just say you have a bag to check. you can also print a physical boarding pass here if you want. the kiosk will print out your luggage tag and just follow the instructions to attach it to the bag. there’ll be like a drop off point (they’re usually p well-labeled) up by the actual people at desks so just head up there and have your id/passport and boarding pass ready cause they’ll want to check them

security:

okay 9 times out of 10 you probably will Not have tsa precheck but if you do, it’ll be somewhere on your boarding pass and you should look for/ask someone about the nearest tsa precheck line. it’s just convenient, cause you don’t have to remove laptops or take your shoes off and it’s usually the shortest line

if you don’t have tsa precheck, just find the nearest (and shortest) security line and have your id and boarding pass ready. if you’re using a mobile boarding pass, lock your screen rotation if you’ll be using the picture you took instead of the app (this is the most annoying thing lmao i’ve done it too many times and usually just try to use the app when i can cause it’ll lock the rotation and go full brightness automatically). then you’ll have to put the phone on the lil scanner and it’ll beep when it’s scanned and done

now, again, if you have any special needs whilst going through security, you’re probably familiar with what you’d have to do if it differs from the standard procedure, but otherwise just go through as you normally would

between security and boarding:

do whatever u want basically. get food, if you need it or if you think you’ll need it whilst on the flight. drinks are usually hella expensive so i try to bring my refillable water bottle (empty!) and then refill once i’m past security

basically how you spend this time is totally up to you. i usually grab food as needed then go chill by my gate, if it’s an airport i’m familiar with and i know how long it’ll take to get wherever i need to go, but you may be more comfy just finding your gate first and then sticking nearby to get anything you need. also i’m a big fan of the charging areas which a lot of airports have now, so if u wanna charge up i recommend

boarding:

every airline is different but there’ll usually be some kind of boarding group or order listed on your boarding pass, so just keep that in mind (ie american has like,,,,6 boarding groups? united has 9, southwest has their whole a/b/c groups, etc etc etc i think one even has like a 2a 2b or something idk that might’ve been in the uk but just look on your boarding pass) if you’re confused or w.e don’t be afraid to ask one of the gate attendants that stand at the front

basically nothing here is all that different if you’re alone, just pay attention when they start boarding and listen for your group, same rule of thumb goes with turning your phone on screen-rotation lock when you go to scan your boarding pass (if it’s the mobile pic you saved)

the goal here with boarding is to go as quickly as you can, but don’t stress if it takes you a second to get in your row! it’s okay, people aren’t as in a rush as they seem. definitely try to fit ur stuff under your seat cause otherwise it’s a pain to get up and get it from the overhead bins

the flight:

honestly just sit back relax and do whatever u normally do! usually there’s no reason this would be any different when traveling alone. aside from sitting near strangers which is annoying sometimes but in my experience if u pop some headphones in everyone leaves u alone

after the flight:

i mean generally just head out into the airport u landed in and look for baggage claim signs - regardless of whether u checked a bag or not, most ground transport out of the airport is near the baggage claim. so just follow signs (and generally the people leaving the plane) and make your way there. if you get lost, again, don’t feel bad abt asking someone to point you in the right direction

if u have a bag, most places have a display board that says which baggage claim you’re at (if they didn’t announce it on the plane when you landed) and you can wait there

once ur done, depending on your mode of transport out, you can follow signs! many of the bigger airports now have designated sections for rideshares like uber and lyft as well 

i hope that helps b! you’ll be fine, don’t stress too much :) i hope you’re traveling for a good/fun reason at least!

[astranva]

hey so i have the rest of this and i was explaining it here but then tumblr got rid of all of it😭 so im explaining it again but less detail this

anyways, so basically one day when juniper is on her way home, the police call her and tell her to come to the station cause they need to talk to her.

the detectives tell her why her & nick are suspects and she doesn’t believe a piece of evidence (havent decided yet) that leads exactly to nick and they eventually let her go and she goes home and goes through nicks study (bad idea ik) and realizes the detectives are right so she drives back to the station but the detectives she was talking to are gone bc they went to investigate a new murder (that nick comitted).

juniper debates between staying and waiting or going home but eventually decides to go home bc nick is going to get home soon.

when she gets home she sees nicks car in the driveway and has a mini mental breakdown bc she remembers that she left almost everything in his office out and forgot to lock it (i swear this girl isnt an idiot shes just in shock)

she goes inside and everything seems normal, like creepily normal. nick is cooking dinner while listening to music from the record player and the tv is running quietly in the background and juniper’s freaked out but also comforted by it. she acts like everything is okay and he for the most part believes it, thinking she just had an off day (he only suspects sum bc hes her literal husband but she’s actually good at acting like shes fine bc im sick of characters shittily pretending theyre fine when you can clearly see they arent but she is actually believable)

she goes to the bathroom and on her way she sees nicks study door is closed and locked (neither of which she did when she left). she’s creeped out but ignores it as she eats dinner with nick and once she finishes she gets a massive migrane, so she goes to the kitchen to grab water but it suddenly gets harder to move. nick comes over and asks whats wrong acting like he wasnt the one who drugged her.

she faints blah blah blah. then she wakes up in their bedroom and nicks there and she yells at him and tries to leave but this idiot is trapping her inside (love that/j) so she runs into the bathroom to get away from him and hes trying to defend himself (bro ur literally a murderer give up) but its not working bc juniper isnt an idiot

one thing i forgot to mention is that juniper is on medication to help with her mental health and one of the ones she takes is anti-psychotics bc she has bipolar (bc of trauma) and she used to take them at night but she doesnt anymore bc they gave her nightmares so she stopped taking them and instead took melatonin that looked exactly like the anti-psychotics and nick was putting anti-psychotics in her pill thing for certain nights bc thats when he would go murder (how fun!) but he didnt want her to suspect anything so we switched her meds to induce a nightmare so juniper would wake up and he would comfort her and he would do it pretty often so that she would think he was always home at night (when he rlly wasnt)

but one night she wakes up bc she accidentally took the wrong days pills and sees nick leaving, she thinks hes just going to the store bc it isnt that late and they do like to go to the store at midnight lmao. she asks him the next morning she asks him and he confirms he was at the store.

this is so long im so so so so sorry but theres only a little more

so nick basically kidnaps her to home (is that still kidnapping bc she doesnt wanna be there??) but she ends up figuring out a way to get out and she thinks nick doesnt have a clue but of course he does bc nick is smart (they both are oxford graduates so obvs theyre smart) and murders juniper the day before she was supposed to escape. but he doesnt brutally murder her, he cars abt juniper too much and just like either drugs her so she ODs or he suffocates her (i can’t decide lmao) but it was an idiotic idea bc he got arrested like 3 days later. but i have an alt storyline where he doesnt get arrested and gets away with it but idk lmao im so so so so so sorry this is so long and so shitty

my jaw. is. on. the floor.

i pictured this perfectly in my head and andrew garfield as nick is just???? so perfect?????

please consider screenwriting! no, you don’t get it, i’m obsessed with this! like i’m pretty sure i’ll be facetiming my best friend tonight and going “guess what an anon sent me???” and we’d both obsess over it.

i love it!

[cyberenergyshock]

get to know me !

the essentials

name: sarah! but please don't use this! ever!! instead call me these:

nickname: jolt, jet, crystal or cyber!

location: washington usa!

age: 22

height: 5'7"

zodiac sign: aries 🐏

any pets: miss pretty, 11yr old black cat & glimmer, a blue death feigning beetle!

favourite thing @ yourself: i've gotten a lot better at managing my anger and bpd! i'm doing so much better & am so much less toxic than i was at this exact time last year. i've got a long way to go still but i'm not going to diminish my own progress just bc i'm not perfect yet!

fun fact: espa roba is trans and gay!

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gender identity: cis girl

identity, sexuality & personality

relationship status: taken by @insectparadise :333

myers/briggs type: i forget and idc enough to take it again

hogwarts house: i don't care abt harry potter and probably never will at this point

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“early bird” or “night owl”: night owl as heck

routine

morning routine: i usually wake up at 7 or 8 on my own & then i eat something to take my adhd meds with, do my skincare routine & brush my teeth, then i'm off!

bath or shower: i've tried so hard to enjoy baths but they're just too much hassle tbh. i much prefer to take a very hot shower and then take a nap while i'm still warm

first thought in a morning: lots of yelling @ myself to get out of bed and take my meds so i can start being functional asfjhfszjf

--

do you work or are you a student: i've worked full time since i got out of high school, i nearly flunked and school is generally miserable for me so i don't plan to go back anytime soon

school/work

where do you work/study: grocery store!

what do you do: produce clerk! am stacking & cutting fruit and veggies all day

where do you see yourself in 5 years: hopefully living w/ my girlfriend & having financial stability;;;

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drink: i don't go OUT and drink, no, i'm not averse to alcohol or anything though

habits (do you … )

smoke: only weed like once in a blue moon

do drugs: nope

exercise: i try really hard to, but my chronic joint problems are so bad that i can't strain myself at all without dislocating something and having it hurt for weeks as a result, so (shrug)

have a go-to comfort food: hamburgers *q*

have a nervous habit: i pick the absolute hell out of my cuticles, there's at least 3 of my fingers bleeding at all times It Just Be Like That

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drink: i love soda way too much, mainly cherry coke or pepsi, also iced tea and lemonade!

what is your favourite … ?

animal: cats or birds!

artist/band/group: i don't follow bands enough dgxgxh I like Too Much Music

author/poet: fuck idk

film: wall-e and/or james and the giant peach!

tv show: the g1 and animated transformers cartoons!

--

I won't tag anyone, bc I deleted a bunch of stuff from the original that I didn't want to answer, this is just cuz I hadn't done one of these on this blog yet 🐱