#the baby has requested a picture of myself in the form of a selfie

[theauthor2103]

Selfie!!

SELFIE

[sub-hoshi-enthusiast]

It is done!! I just have two more to work on before I finish up the requests :)) (also the gif 🥺🥺 mayhaps I am in love 😔💔)

⚠️Warnings⚠️: sub!hanbin, fem!dom!reader, hard degradation, small dick hanbin, public sex, sexting, window sex, use of toys (buttplug), oral (f recieving)

A Quick Visit

You are currently sitting in a meeting that honestly made you wanna shoot your brains out. You were supposed to be looking into a partnership with another company but you already knew it wasn't gonna happen, based on the fact the moment you stepped into the room he had asked you for a coffee, assuming you were some secretary or something, and then after he found out you were indeed the CEO he continuously flirted with you. You didn't know what this guy's problem was but you were certain you never wanted to see him again. You had your head resting in your hand as he continued to blabber about something, probably himself, but you had resorted to tuning him out.

     Suddenly your phone started ringing, finally making him shut up. You took the object out of your pocket, furrowing your eyebrows as you saw Hanbin's name pop up.

     "Uh- sorry, it's my boyfriend. He usually doesn't call me during work though." You stated quietly as you silenced your phone. The man in front of you looked down at his watch, letting out a quiet chuckle as he realized how late it had gotten.

     "I guess I have kept you for quite a while. We should be heading out, but please contact us when you wanna start working." He told you with a smirk, sending you a wink as he walked out the door. His poor secretary was left to pick up all his things and race after him. 

     "Hey, Damien." You said, turning to said boy. He sat straight up, looking at you with attentive eyes.

     "Yes ma'am?"

     "Please delete his number and contact information from everything in the building." Your secretary chuckled before giving a playful salute and scurrying down the hall.

《●●●》

     You slumped into your office chair, rubbing your temples in hopes it would get that insufferable voice out of your head. You had reminded yourself to call back Hanbin after he had called you during the meeting a few minutes ago, but you were just taking the time to calm down. You looked at the door when you heard a knock, calling out a "Come in" as you assumed it was Damien. Surprise flashed across your face when your boyfriend peeked his head through the door.

     "Baby!" You called with a smile, sitting up straight in your chair. A quick and nervous smile flashed across his face as he stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. You furrowed your eyebrows as he shuffled in his place, eyes glued to the floor with the occasional glance up at you. You tilted your head as you beckoned him closer. "What's wrong sweetheart? Did something happen? Was it what you were calling about earlier?" Hanbin blinked at you.

     "D-didn't you see my texts?" It was your turn to blink in confusion before pulling out your phone. Just as he said, there were about 11 missed texts from your boyfriend. You hurriedly opened them, worried something had happened. Your brain stopped when you looked at the first message. It was a picture. More importantly, it was a picture of your boyfriend with his cock leaking precum all over your panties in his hold as he bit down on his plump bottom lip. Drool pooled in your mouth as you read the following messages. 

I miss you

I was doing the laundry like you told me to but I found these and I remembered how pretty you looked in them and I just couldn't help myself :(

I hope you're not mad at me :((

…

Maybe I could come make it up to you?

I know how you love the thought of fucking me where anybody could see how good I am for you

And we both know I'm not quiet so I'd have to try and be extra quiet cause the thought of someone catching us would be so embarrassing but god would it be hot

Now I'm all worked up again miss…

2 Missed Calls from 💖Hanbin💖

💖Hanbin💖 has sent an image

I'll be there in a few minutes <3

     The image he sent was a mirror selfie of the outfit he was currently wearing, but he was pulling down the pants a bit over his hip to show off the panties that he had been using in the first pic. You heard your boyfriend whimper at the growl you let out upon seeing the scandalous messages he had sent you. Your eyes glanced up at his figure. Hanbin audibly gulped when you backed your chair away from your desk and motioned him closer. When he was standing between you and the desk you stood, making him yelp as his back hit the wood behind him. His breathing was uneven as you brought your hand up to his face to softly brush some hair out of his face. 

      "You're such an insatiable little whore, aren't you? Showing up here in hopes of getting your dick wet. You couldn't even wait five minutes for me to tell you it was alright." He bit down on his lip, eyes fluttering as your words made a tingling feeling erupt in his lower belly. "What if I were in a meeting when you got here? Would you have wanted me to slam you on the table and use you in front of everyone?" A shaky moan filled the air as he threw his head back, your words making his cock harder in the panties you knew he was wearing.

     "Yes~ Want everyone to see how you use me. How you make a mess of me for your own pleasure." He whimpered breathlessly, already falling apart before you. You snickered at him as you sat back down in your chair.

     "Look at you, begging for me before I've even touched you." Your eyes raked over his body, taking in his panting form as sweat was already forming on his brow.

     "I-I edged myself twice on the way over here s-so my cock would be ready for you." A loud snort left you at his confession.

     "What, you think I'm gonna fuck that thing? You really think that would be able to please me?" He whimpered as you reached up, digging your nails into his cheeks as you yanked him down so he was eye level with you. "Pathetic." 

     The tips of his ears were bright red as tears began to brim his eyes, but you knew he liked it from the way he kept squeezing his thighs together. You moved your hand to his shoulder and pushed him down to his knees. You let out an exaggerated huff while brushing your fingers through his hair. 

     "I've just had the worst day today baby. Do you think you could help me… de-stress a little bit?" You asked as you pulled up your skirt so it scrunched up around your waist. His eyes seemed to sparkle in excitement as he licked his lips, nodding as he shuffled closer to you. Your head rolled back as he licked a couple stripes up your slit over your panties before moving the fabric to the side to wrap his lips around your clit. It was truly amazing how he had managed to learn so much from you in such a short amount of time. He had no clue what he was doing the first time he had eaten you out but, as you found out, he was a very quick learner. 

     A moan flew past your lips before you could stop it, your hands shooting down to tightly grip his hair as his tongue teased your entrance with his nose rubbing your clit. There was a sudden knock on the door. Both Hanbin and you tensed up before you cleared your throat.

     "Come in." You called. Damien walked through the door, holding a small stack of papers. He sent you a bright smile as he set them down on your desk.

     "Okay, these are the reports from each of our divisions you asked for yesterday." You sent him a tight lipped smile, pulling the stack closer to you to quickly skim through them. You internally groaned as he sat on the edge of your desk. "Sorry about that meeting earlier today though, I wouldn't have scheduled it at all if I had known what a tool he was."

     "Hey, don't beat yourself up over it. There's no way you could've-" your breath hitched in your throat as Hanbin suddenly continued his tongue's movements over your entrance, "-ahem- kn-known that." Relief washed over you when Damien didn't question the split second pause in your sentence.

     "If your boyfriend hadn't called when he did I feel like we'd still be stuck listening to him." Your secretary chuckled. "Speaking of which, how has Hanbin been recently? I remember you mentioning worrying about him cause he kept locking himself up in his studio." You moved your foot to dig your heel into your boyfriend's thigh in an attempt to get him to stop. The only thing it did was make him let out a breathy sigh against your core before digging back in. Now you were almost regretting teaching him as much as you did.

     "H-he's been good. I actually see him around the house now, so that's a relief." You managed to get out with a strained laugh. Damien nodded.

     "That's good to hear. You were starting to make me worry, heh. It's not good to go that long without a proper meal. I assume it's gotten better now? You making him eat more than those instant ramen cups you said he was hoarding back there?" You hesitantly nodded, kicking Hanbin's thigh under the table again when he started thrusting his fingers into you. God you hoped this conversation would end soon. You froze up as soon as Damien looked you in the eyes, his unwavering gaze telling you everything. 

     "Welp, I'd better get going. Lots of work to do." He said as he walked to the door, turning around last second to send you one last smile. "You two have fun in here." Mere seconds after the door closed behind the boy, you came with a muffled cry. Your boyfriend quickly lapped up your release, making sure not to waste a single drop. You sat there for about a minute as you waited for your heart rate to return to normal. As soon as you had calmed down you roughly grabbed the boy on his knees by his hair, yanking him to his feet.

     "What the hell was that?! In what world did you think it was okay to embarrass me in front of my secretary?!" You saw a look of genuine guilt flash across his eyes for a moment, making you loosen your grip on his hair and soften your features. "Are you alright baby? Am I going too far?" He immediately shook his head.

     "You- you're not actually mad at me, are you?" You cupped his face in your hands, pressing a quick kiss to his lips before resting your forehead against his.

     "Of course not baby boy. You did such a good job for me, made me feel so so good." A smile spread across his face at the praise as he nuzzled closer to you. "So do you wanna stop here or…"

     "No, I'm good now." He said with a smile. You pressed one more soft kiss to his forehead before spinning him around and harshly bending him over your desk, making sure to steer clear of the files that had just been set there. He let out a cute little gasp of surprise when his warm cheek met the cold surface.

     "Now baby, how would you like it if I embarrassed you huh? Make you scream like a little bitch for me so the entire building can hear you." You growled out the last sentence as you rolled your hips into his clothed rear. You furrowed your eyebrows. Hanbin gulped as you hurriedly pulled down his pants and panties to reveal the jewel ended plug you had gotten him for his birthday. You groaned as you tucked your bottom lip between your teeth. The loud smack was followed by Hanbin's sweet whimpers as the stinging sensation slowly reddened his cheeks.

     "Such a shameless whore aren't you. You must've been real needy for me, huh baby?" Helpless whimpers fell from him as he nodded his head. A smirk spread across your face as you suddenly got an idea. Before he could fully process what was happening, you had Habin pressed to the glass of your office window that overlooked the buzzing city streets down below.

     "Look at that baby. If anyone just so happened to look up here they'd get an eyeful of your slutty little body pressed to the glass. I bet you'd like that huh? Letting everyone know that you're just my little whore?" A breathy, high pitched moan left him as you lifted his shirt so his nipples were pressed against the cold glass. What you had said was absolute bullshit since the window was too high up for anybody to possibly see what you were doing, but the thought was still there. The fact that you were grinding your hips into his didn't help either.

      "Yes, your slutty little whore. I'm your little fucktoy." He murmured against the glass, his mind fuzzy as he only focused and the pleasure you were teasing him with. "Please!" He whined as he grinded his ass back into you, biting his lip when it made the plug inside him shift deeper. You giggled at his impatience and kissed his cheek before grabbing a hold of the jewel base and thrusting the plug into him at a steady pace. 

     His noises were music to your ears. Sweet melodic moans and whimpers flowed from his opened mouth as he urgently grinded back against your movements, urging you to go faster. You rolled your eyes and focused on moving the plug around in search of his prostate. A smirk settled on your face when almost screamed in pleasure, muttering a string "There!" and "Please~", letting you know you found your target. You made sure to hit his prostate with every thrust, picking up the pace while thrusting the toy into him harder. His head was thrown back against your shoulder, mouth hung open in an endless stream of moans and whimpers while his hands gripped your hips since it was the only thing he could hold onto at the moment.

     "Oh fuck- AH- f-fuck miss! I'm- I'm gonna- oh god- c-cum! Ngh- please please please let me c-cum miss!" He cried out, legs shaking beneath him and drool leaking from the corner of his mouth. You pretended to think about it for a minute, teasing him as you pumped his cock; a difficult task since it was just small enough that it seemingly disappeared in your grasp.

     "Hmmm, I dunno baby. You've been an awfully bad boy today; teasing me at work and sending me those whorish pictures of your pathetic little cock." You teased, emphasizing the little while flicking the head of his dick. His eyes rolled back in his head at that. 

     "I-I'm sorry miss, so so sorry! Please let me cum! L-let me- holy shit- let me be a good b-boy for you!" You scoffed at him.

     "You really are pathetic. I bet you'd whore yourself out for anyone wouldn't you?" 

     "NO! No no no no no, o-only miss gets to see me like this! T-touch me like this! Nobody else- I p-promise!" You hummed, delighted by his words.

     "Good. I mean, it's not like anyone else would take you anyway. They'd take one look at your tiny cock and go find a bigger cock to satisfy them." He whined, tears pricking his eyes from the humiliation of your words as well as how long he'd been fighting to hold in his orgasm. His eyes locked with yours, unable to form coherent sentences anymore and begging with his eyes. "Alright baby, you can cum now." A mantra of 'thank you' filled the room, followed by a loud cry of pleasure as his white ropes of cum covered the window. You slowed down your movements, leaving a trail of kisses down his neck and across his shoulder. More kisses were peppered all over his face as you turned him around, cupping his face in your hands.

     "You did so good for me baby, took everything so well for me." A weak smile spread across his face as he came down from his high. Your eyes shone with worry as you took him in. "I didn't go too far the last little bit, did I?" He giggled weakly, giving you a kiss while smiling against your lips.

     "No, I know that I please you in other ways." You smile back at him.

     "Hell yeah you do. I swear your mouth is a gift from the gods, and I still don't know what I did to deserve it." He giggled at your remark, lightly slapping your arm while whining a quiet "shut up~". You joined in his giggling, giving him another kiss. "I love you baby."

     "I love you too." He said with a dopey smile on his face. You reluctantly pulled yourself out of his grip to dig around in your drawers for some window cleaner.

     "You get dressed while I clean the window. Afterwards we can go home and chill on the couch eating pizza if you want." He smiled like a kid on christmas morning, nodding excitedly before practically jumping into his discarded clothes. Another giggle left you at his excitement. Love filled your gaze as you looked at him. That was the love of your life right there, and you were certain that there was no one who could take his place.

[hockeyisit]

What was it like when they left the hospital with Kai and Noah? What was their first night like with their two babies?

A.N: So I had a lot of different request for Auston and Amelia’s first night with the twins and what it was like when Felix met the twins. This piece is specifically focused on Felix meeting the twins and what it was like when they left the hospital. I am planning to write another piece about their first night alone with the twins which will hopefully be done soon!

Word Count: 1,841

Masterlist

“It’s safe to bring the twin’s home whenever you guys are ready,” the nurse told us as she held the clipboard out to the two of us. I glanced away to look at Auston. I had given birth to the twins two days ago and we were finally getting the all clear. We had to stay an extra day because they wanted to make sure that the twins were fine since they had been a little underweight. I reached out for the clipboard so I could start signing the papers.

“We don’t have the carseats,” I panicked, turning back to Auston who was looking down as the boys. He glanced up and sent me a reassuring look.

“My mom grabbed them,” Auston told me softly, reaching out to take my hand. I relaxed once our hands were locked together. As I went in to respond Ema walked in.

“Everything is all set to go,” Ema said clapping her hands and then making her way over to where the boys are sleeping. I winced slightly as I let out a light laugh. I let go of Auston’s hand so I could push myself up into a sitting position. Auston glanced over to me with a small frown.

“Are you okay?” he asked, reaching out for me.

“I’m fine babe.”

Another nurse then walked in with a wheelchair. Auston made his way around the bed to help me stand up. Once I was situated he leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. I smiled to myself as I held my hands out in front of me.

“Someone give me my babies now,” I whined only slightly joking, everyone in the room laughed before Auston made his way over and picked up the baby with the blue socks, Noah. He squirmed once he was in Auston’s hands before relaxing.

“Mom can you get Kai?” Auston asked as he made his way back to me. As he leaned down to hand Noah to me Ema stopped him.

“Wait, I want to take a picture,” she walked over and handed Kai to me instead and then asked for our phones. Auston bent down a little so he was closer to me and then we took a few different photos.

“Alright, we're good to go,” Ema said, locking my phone she slipped it into the bag on the table.

“I should probably run ahead and pull up the car,” Auston thought aloud as he handed me Noah. He then ran ahead to grab the car while the Nurse helped push me down the hall. Thankfully when we reached the main lobby Auston had pulled the car around and was waiting for us. Ema immediately walked to the trunk to put our bags away, while Auston walked over to help me with Kai and Noah. He grabbed Kai who had green socks and set him in the car seat before repeating the action with Noah.

“I’ll sit in the back with them,” I told him as I slowly pushed myself up from the wheelchair. Auston reached out for my hand and helped me into the car. I was still extremely sore so I took my time as I pulled myself into the car. Once I was settled Auston shut the door gently before making his way over to the driver's seat. Ema hopped in the passenger seat.

“Ready to go?” Auston asked as he put the car into drive. During the drive the boys didn’t fuss to much and we didn’t have to deal with the normal Toronto traffic which I was thankful for. Twenty minutes later we were pulling up to our house.

“Where’s Felix?” I asked the two of them once he put the car in park. Auston glanced away from the windshield to turn to me.

“Fred has him right now I have to go get him,” he mumbled lightly trying to keep the babies from waking up. I sent him a small nod as I pushed my door open. Auston and Ema both hopped out of the car. Ema reached out to help me out while Auston reached in to grab the closest twin out which happened to be Noah. I leaned over and grabbed Kai before straightening myself out.

The three of us made our way to the front door and inside. Thankfully we had already completed the nursery so there isn't much that we needed to do now. It was weirdly quiet when we walked inside because Felix wasn't there to greet us at the door. I turned around to face Auston once we were both in the door.

“Can you go get Felix?” I asked him. Before he had a chance to answer, Ema cut him off.

“I can go get him.”

I sent a quick look to Auston to which he shrugged his shoulders.

“Alright he still lives in the apartment above my old one,” he told her as he handed her his car keys. She gave him a soft nod as she reached out for the keys. Once she was gone and the door was shut behind her Auston turned to face me with a grin. We both set the kids down in their carrier as we took our shoes off.  

“Welcome home beautiful,” Auston grinned wider as he made his way over to me. I let out a soft laugh as I leaned into him. We shared a soft kiss before I pulled away.

“I can't believe this is real,'' I whispered to him. I leaned down and pulled Kai out of his carrier. Auston leaned down and grabbed NOah before sending me a soft smile as he looked between the twin’s. Who would have ever thought we would get this lucky. Auston walked over to the couch and took a seat. I made my way over and sat next to him, I leaned my head on his shoulder as I looked down at our boys.

“I can’t believe we had two boys,” Auston said jokingly. He had been convinced it was going to be a girl and a boy. I had told him that I was feeling it would be boys, mothers intuition and all.

“Mitch is going to be so upset he lost,” I laughed lightly as I reached out to rub Noah’s cheek. He squirmed lightly in Auston’s arms before relaxing. Auston laughed loudly at what I said before quickly correcting himself and lowering his laugh. He sent me a wide eye look as both of the boys squirmed before settling. I let out a soft chuckle as I rocked Kai gently.

“Guess we are going to have to learn to be a little quieter,” I teased Auston lightly. He blushed light pink as he looked between the boys.

“I’d do anything for them,” he mumbled looking at them with a fond look in his eyes, causing my face to form a soft grin. I pulled my phone out and opened the camera before holding it out for a selfie.

“We should send a text to our friends,” I said looking over to him. He nodded as he leaned in to press his head against mine. He sent a soft smile to the camera as he held Noah up further so he would make the photo. I grinned brightly as I snapped the photo before pulling it closer to take a look.

“Aww were so cute,” I grinned showing him the photo. His smile grew as he looked it over.

“Send that to me. And the photo’s my mom took at the hospital,” he mumbled as he looked back down at Noah. I looked between the twins.

“Aus can we switch?” I asked gently. He looked up at me as he nodded eagerly. He handed Noah over to me and I handed him Kai. We both took a moment as we tried to memorize the boys.

“Wow. I can’t believe they are so perfect,” I said in awe as Noah opened his mouth slightly.

“We did so good,” Auston reached over and pressed a kiss to my forehead before turning his attention back to Kai. As I was about to respond I heard the sound of the garage door opening. I stood up and grabbed the carrier bringing it to the table. Auston followed behind me doing the same. WE set the twins down before turning to face the garage door. Just as Auston finished setting Kai down Felix was running inside making his way over to us excitedly, Ema following behind slowly. . I let out a soft laugh as I gently kneeled down.

“Hi bud,” I grinned as I rubbed his fluffy fur. “Did you miss mama and papi?” I asked as I glanced over to Auston with a smirk. He let out a soft laugh as he reached down to pet Felix. He grabbed a hold of his face.

“I’m going to go up and talk to your dad,” Ema told us as she made her way over to the stairs. We sent her a nod as we focused our attention on the excited puppy.

“I need you to calm down buddy. You're going to meet some really important dudes and me and mama would prefer you didn't eat them,” Auston told him as he leaned his forehead against Felix’s. My heart wormed at the sight as I pushed myself up to grab Noah who was right in front of me. Auston grabbed a hold of Felix's collar as I turned around with Noah. I leaned down slightly.

“This is baby Noah,” I whispered. Felix reached forward immediately causing Auston to yank on his collar lightly and me to stand up fully. “Felix calm down,” Auston said sternly, causing the puppy to pull back right away. I leaned down again slowly. Felix made his way over timidly and started sniffing at Noah’s head before pulling away and looking up at Auston waiting for his next command. I turned around and placed Noah in his carrier. Then I reached over for Kai.

“This is baby Kai,” I grinned down at Felix. He was much more careful now as he reached forward to sniff at Kai’s head. Felix then licked at Kai’s arm causing the little baby to let out a loud shriek. Noah immediately disbrought at his brother's cry let out a similar shriek causing Felix to let out a sharp bark and become alert. I let out a light laugh as I ran a soothing hand up and down Kai’s back.

“Shh baby it’s okay it’s just Felix,” I reassured as I rocked us back and forth. Auston had reached a hand out to Noah’s leg and was rubbing it in a comforting motion as we stood there.

I shared a quick happy smile with Auston as he let go of Felix and made his way over to pick up Noah once again. We both made our way to the couch and spent the rest of the night in a cuddle pile. I really had the best family.

[mirror-juliet]

Hard Time {Hongjoong X Reader}

know this is late but i procrastinated again. I sowwy

Requested by anon

Warnings) teasing, hard dom, bondage, punishment. vampire gloves, wartenberg wheel, nipple clamps, spanking paddle, degration, orgasm control, edging, slight mention of blood from bondage toy

 Seonghwa had invited everyone over for dinner at his place, not only to hang out, but to also discuss the next comeback on the horizon. You always come to these dinner's with Hongjoong, not only to keep him company and visit with the other members, but Hongjoong likes to show you off.

But tonight you had something up your sleeve. The talk was getting too boring and Hongjoong wasn't giving you the much needed attention you so desired. Who could blame you? Attention is what you thrive on! And Hongjoong was neglecting you to talk with his best friend. So you may have taken matters into your own hands and started playing footsie with Hongjoong's penis from across the table.

You also may or may not have sat right across from him for this exact reason.Hongjoong takes a quick glance at you to give you a sign of warning. One that you ignore and press harder into him while talking to Yunho like nothing is wrong. In fact you and him begin to take selfies together. Though, your attention is brought back to him by force. He slammed his foot into your toes that are exposed by your heels, so hard so that you have to bite your lip to stop from yelping out in pain.

Hongjoong scratches his eyebrow in your direction, another warning sign meaning "Behave" You would, but how could you when you're having so much fun feeling his bulge grow steadily from underneath your foot.

"If you would excuse me, Seonghwa." Hongjoong steps back from the table, Choking slightly on his own spit, but no one notices it besides you. "I need to use the gentlemen's room." As he walks away, you're sure you're the only one who see's it, but your lips quirk upward as you see the thick erection through his pants.

"Is Hongjoong okay Y/n?" Yunho asks, face laced with concern. "He looks a bit flushed, i hope he isn't running a fever." You cant help but coo at how concerned he is for his leader, patting his head for his comfort.

"I'm sure he's just gotten a hot flash, it is quite warm in here after all." Seonghwa hears this and offers to turn the air on, but you gently decline, saying that you'll be fine.

After five minutes of radio silence form Hongjoong, you were starting to get concerned yourself. Usually by this time he would have texted you to get your ass in the bathroom."I'm gonna go see if Hongjoong is okay." You excuse yourself from the table, going to rasp gently on the bathroom door.

Instead of a verbal answer, the door is thrown open and you are yanked swiftly into the bathroom like a scene out of a snuff movie. Right before the main character is killed. You catch yourself having these thoughts, they're so strange to have in this situation.

The look on Hongjoong's face has you concerned, not to mention the mess he has his hair in, pushed back and in every which direction besides straight. "Baby, are you oka-""Look what you did!" He whisper shouts as he pulls his pants down hastily to show a painful erection standing tall and proud, drooling precum down the head"You are such a fucking brat! Fix this. Now." Hongjoong pushes you onto your knee's giving you a moment to pull away if you really wanted to. When you show no sign of resistance, he slips himself into your mouth; grunting in a euphoric and beautiful way.

"Jesus fuck bitch. Fuck, you're gonna make me yell if you keep up your mouth like that." Hongjoong pushes you off of him and rapidly pumps himself like a jackhammer. One  wrong move and he'll break his penis. With a small grunt Hongjoong finishes into the toilet."You don't deserve to eat my cum, you're a bad girl." Hongjoong sighs at the release of pressure on his lower region. He tucks himself back in and pulls you up off the floor.

The both of you go back to the dining room like nothing's happened with a suspicious look form Jongho, but no one else. As you sit down, you press up closer to Yunho. The poor boy flushing bright red as you pull your shirt down to show your clevage. Yunho takes a few moments to look, but then quickly averts his eyes and swallows a few times.

"I hate to be this way." Hongjoong stands up and walks over to you. "But i'm not feeling too well. Is it okay if we go home a little early?" Seonghwa quickly swallows his drink and reaches out to Hongjoong."Yea, no problem. I'll text you the details Feel better man." The both of you say your goodbyes and grab your coats to head out to your cars. On your way out, you notice the smirk Jongho has on his face, raising his glass to you right before you leave.

The car ride home was filled with silence, leaving you to soak your panties with dangerous thoughts floating through your head. He's going to punish you no doubt, a sickening sweet smile plays across your lips. Oh how sweet that sounds to your mind. It wasn't too long of a drive though thanks to Hongjoong's speeding.

It takes him mere seconds after you exit the car to grab ahold of your wrist and drag you up to your house and into your bedroom. Not even bothering to let you take your shoes off."I'm going into the bathroom, now when i come out you had better be undressed and on the bed. Do i make myself clear?" You nod your head, crossing your fingers behind your back; you're already in trouble so why not make it worth your time to be underneath him. So you take off everything except the baby blue lingere set you had on underneath your clothes, hoping it would come to this.

Ten minutes is what it takes Hongjoong to get out of the bathroom, clearly have taken a shower and freshly shaven. By the look in his eyes as he looks at her, he's less than pleased."I thought i told you to get undressed. So why are you in that?" Hongjoong doesn't bother to put a shirt on, letting his sweatpants hang dangerously low to his v-line.

"Not even gonna answer me? God you really are just a spoiled brat huh? Cant even follow simple orders." He stalks up to the bed. "So now you're gonna get treated like a selfish brat."Hongjoong kisses you hard, chasing after your lips and you chasing after his own. He tangles his fingers in your hair and grinds against you. His other hand keeping yours at bay from touching him. He pulls back from the kiss, a string of saliva connecting you two. His eyes grow soft and he chuckles.

Then he moves his hand in your hair down to your face, squeezing your cheeks so your mouth opens. A glob of his spit trickles down into your mouth and he expects you to swallow it.

"At least you're able to do one thing right, Stupid girl." And there's that smile again, the soft one that really isn't. Then he does something that has you gasping in shock. He ripped your lingere off completely, completely ruining the garment. You'll have to worry about the price later."On the ground, on all fours." Hongjoong commands as he sits in the chair across the room, crossing his legs and thinking about his next move.

This is like a game to him, you're both on a different team, yet the same coin, merely just different sides. And it's his move, you used all of yours up at the dinner party and now he gets to use his that he has delicately been saving up. He needs to calculate the next move and then strike. How childish this is, to think of it at as a game, Hongjoong thinks.

He uses his fingers to beacon you forward, he smiles again as you obey rather quickly on all fours still. He's going to have so much fun watching you squirm for him. He's already taken care of himself twice tonight, once with you and the second time in the shower. So he has no need to use your cunt other than your torture.

Once you get close enough to him, he positions you sideways in front of him with his feet, then using your ass as a foot rest. Scrolling through his phone while he waits for you to get tired in this position."You have twenty minutes, try not to move too much." Your eyes widen, twenty minutes on the hardwood? On hands and knees?

As time passes you grow more inpatient, trying not to move to much but you cant help but sway your weight to one knee at a time. Occasionally Hongjoong will dig his heel into the small of your back to get you to cease movement."Hongjoong. It hurts~" You whine and it's like music to Hongjoong's ears, But you still have ten minutes left and he's not done taking pictures of you yet.

"If it hurts that bad, use the safeword." He barks, feigning annoyance at her whining. With a few more pictures and liking a few posts on Instagram he tells you to get on the bed, pulling out the cuffs to tie your hands to the bed with, snacking your tits a few times.Then he goes to the spare dresser you keep in the room for all your toys for the bedroom. Hongjoong takes his time browsing through the items, picking out the right ones that will reach the itch he has to punish you and make you cry out in lust. Then he see's it, the one toy he's been dying to use on you and blood nearly goes to his lower head.

You watch as he puts the spikey Glove on the edge of the bed, pulling out another pair of cuffs, attaching your ankles to the cuffs on your wrists."This my little brat, Is called a vampire glove." Hongjoong says as he slips it on, the spikes reflecting light into your eyes."So you know what it's used for?" You shake your head no, truly not knowing what the use of it is. Maybe to leave scratches along a sub?"Spanking." the word leaves you scared, not truly, but the kind of scared that is unsure of itself. Hongjoong is notorious for spanking hard, so what would the gloves do to your poor ass? You shiver thinking about it.

He doesn't leave you much time to process the idea of blood being possibly drawn when he pulls his hand back in the air. You clench your eyes shut right before the impact and leave a yelp at the pinprick feeling on your ass, feeling something trickle down.

"Who would have known you're so prone to drawing blood little brat." Hongjoong comes up to you before continuing, kissing your forehead and breaking his dom complex for a moment."I'll be gentler." And his next swing is more gentle, not going deep enough to draw blood but still breaking skin. The blood that does come out only comes in tiny dots littering across your cheeks.

Even with him being gentler, the glove still hurts, enough so to bring tears to your eyes that fall down your cheeks. It most definitely is a punishment and not one made for you to enjoy. Hongjoong gives you a two minute time out before he moves onto the next toy-The wartenburg wheel, also not one of your favorites for what he always does with it.He rolls the spikes over the puncture wounds, allowing you to cry even more at the pain, but not painful enough for you to use your safeword."I wouldn't have to do this if you were a good girl." Hongjoong argues. "But since you were a brat, this is what happens."

"I know, i'm sorry sir, it wont happen again." What a beautiful sight you are in this state, crying, begging, unrationally thinking in hope for a climax or some sort of pleasure to combat the pain. He feels a little softer than he did earlier, so he lets your legs down and allows you a moment to cry and calm down from the pain. Hongjoong strokes your face as he admires you, you're so gorgeous and perfect for him, the missing piece to the twisted puzzle he is in his mind.

"I think that's enough for tonight darling." Hongjoong makes the decision for you as he see's you aren't calming down enough. Sure you seem fine but he knows with another punishment you'll go into a sub drop. So to the bathtub you go in his arms. He cuddles you and washes you in the tub, pressing his hips to your head; making sure you know you did a great job. Also telling you how beautiful you are.After the bath he puts aloe on your bum and dresses you in some panties and one of his shirts, taking you both to bed.

[asiantransformations]

Climb Higher

As requested by @scientist123

Life was stressful. My wife wanted to divorce with me, taking the children with her. My business was failing and on the verge of bankruptcy. At 58, I was close to retirement, but I had no plans for the close future. My life was starting to become a hot mess. I was getting depressed and I didn't know what to do.

My best friend, Henry, thought I needed help and asked me to join him on his Bali trip. I was hesitant at first, but he insisted and told me he had a surprise to change my life around.

"There is nothing lower than rock bottom, you only can look up and climb higher,"

He handed a case with two vials of serum. The blue vial was labelled BP and the green vial was labelled BS.

"I'll tell you more about these, once you packed your bags and board the plane with me. I got a spare first class ticket. You can sit with me."

Curious and tempted. I did as I was told and before I knew it, I was on a first class plane ride to Bali with my best friend. didn't get to sit next to my best friend, but rather next to a handsome, Indonesian bodybuilder. Dressed in simple clothing and a comfy pair of Yeezy's, his masculinity was oozing out as his musk mixed with his cologne. His muscles were bulging and swole with confidence. He looked to me and introduced himself.

"Hey, sorry about it. Let me move my bag out of the way. Anyways, I'm Andy Halim. Pleasure to meet you."

I smiled and sat down. We talked throughout the journey. I learnt that he was 26 years old and he was headed back home to see his family. He was engaged and a baby son was on the way. I was full of envy. How nice to be young again, full of potential and passion in the world with little to no worry about the impending bleak future of getting old.

Upon touchdown, Andy and I traded contact numbers. I told him to contact me if he ever need help in the USA. Likewise the same for me if I needed help in Bali. Something about this encounter, made me hopeful for this trip.

As we checked into our Villa, Henry approached me again. He revealed the case with the two vials again. He went on and proceeded to tell me that both vials needed to be used within 2 hours for the effects to be permanent. The blue vial allows the user to Body Possess (BP) another person. The green vial allows the Body Swap (BS) two people.

I was eager to try it out! A new chance to change my life, hopefully for the better. I was quite bummed that Henry did not tell me sooner as I could have done something with Andy. Nonetheless, I used my villa's free gym membership at the local gym, hoping to find some prey. I had to figure how to use both vials together.

Arrriving in a shock, I saw a familiar face. Andy was at the gym with his little brother. Andy saw me and introduced his younger brother, Nick. I chuckled and joked with him about needing his help to get as big as Andy. Nick fell for it as he led me to some machines. This had given me an idea.

Before he could react, I poured the blue vial onto his back and stepped in. His body spasmed as a new body was taking over. It was a quick change. I could feel the energy from his pre-workout and it was a thrill to feel so young again. I was once again fit and nimble. I took out my phone and sent a selfie to myself.

This boy has a lot of potential and I just know he has a bright future ahead if he continues to workout. Without distracting myself further, I approached Andy... my older brother. I poured the green vial in my hand already.

"Let's take a picture, I want to remember this day." I asked with a smile.

Confused, Andy agreed. I asked one of the employees to help. With my wet hand, I formed a fist and attempted a fist bump. As the picture was taken, a bright light appeared and we both fell to our knees. Nick's soul and mine pushed into Andy's adonis bod as Andy's drifted into mine.

We both got up and realized something had changed. Pretending to panic, I freaked out and questioned everything. Andy assumed his little bro was in his body before doubting if it was real. He did not know what to do, but insisted we remain calm. We have to pretend to be each other until we find a way to switch back.

Many days has passed and the previous Andy could not find a cure. We eventually got used to each other and grew to understanding this is how it's going to be. We grew closer together as brothers. We learnt things that we never knew about each other. Always working out together.

Nick started to build up his body again. All the girls and guys was swooning for him. He had the life knowledge of a 26 year old bodybuilder in a new 22 year old form. Taking this advantage, he took it as an opportunity to get a head start in life. If he ever found a way to switch us back, he wants his little bro to be successful.

Meanwhile, my baby son was born. The second one is one the way. Maybe if I tried, I could push what's left of Nick's essence into a new son. I was amazed at my new grasp in life. I had still kept in contact with Henry as he was my savior through my dark times. I still kept my old memories from my old body and Nick's body. Using all my funds, I bought over my old company and now we are achieving more than ever. With a fresh new face and a rocking hot body, what can't I do? Life is at its peak for me and I am just going to keep on climbing higher and higher.

[angelicthor]

billion dollar man - part 11

pairing: tony stark x reader

summary: after mounting bills and debt cause you to look at alternative means of making money, you’re thrown into a whole different kind of life when one of the most famous billionaires on the block offers to be your sugar daddy, of course in exchange for a different from of payment. non-superhero au.

warnings/genre: +18 only, sugarbaby/daddy relationship, slightly nat-centric chapter, FLUFF

masterlist | billion dollar man masterlist

a/n: this is the last of the reuploads! the next chapter is gonna be brand spanking new (and its super long oops), as always please let me know what you think! 

Staying up with Tony in his lab become routine for you after that night, whether it be going down with him knowing he couldn’t sleep or waking up to an empty bed and seeking him out, Tony’s lab soon became a familiar place to you. Sometimes Tony would work and talk to you as he did and others you simply went down there to sleep, curling up with a blanket on an empty workbench wanting him to know that he wasn’t alone, and you were happy to see that little by little Tony was indeed joining you to sleep more and more.

He still didn’t sleep enough but it was a start and one you would happily take.

Nat’s birthday was fast approaching, and you had helped everywhere you could with the planning, the moulin rouge themed party bigger than anything you had ever seen before in your life. Nat sure as hell had gone the full mile for this and nearly everything was ready, the both of you were shopping for your outfits today but there was one thing you had yet to do: get her a birthday present.

I mean, what do you buy for someone who has everything?

You had racked your brain for days and the closer her birthday got the more you began to panic. You were meeting up with Nat later and you wanted to have some sort of idea before you did so you could drop some subtle hints and test for a reaction before you actually bought anything.

The paper with ‘Nat’s present ideas’ scribbled at the top was void of any other writing – the same as it had been for the past 5 days – and with a huff you jumped from the couch, dropping the pen you were twiddling in your hands as you went off in search of Tony.

Tony was sitting in his office, eyes mulling over the papers in front of him when you sat yourself on his lap, arms wrapping around his neck as you nuzzled into his neck. Although his eyes never left the papers on the desk, a ghost of a smile played at his lips at the feeling of you pressed tightly against him.

“Aren’t you supposed to be meeting Nat soon?” Tony murmured, pressing a kiss against your forehead as his hand gripped your waist keeping you close to him.

“I am but I have a problem.”

Tony’s eyes snapped up to yours, worry filling them instantly at your words as his gaze washed over you, searching for any signs of injury or distress. Unable to find any, Tony quirked a brow at you, leaning back in his chair as he gave you his full attention, “What’s wrong?”

“I have zero ideas on what to get Nat for her birthday and I don’t have long left! What if I can’t find anything in time and then I’m the only one that hasn’t got her anything and then I’ve hurt her-”

“Wait, wait; that’s what’s bothering you?” Tony asked you incredulously, staring at you with a slack jaw before he started to chuckle at your expense, “Y/N, baby, you don’t have to worry about that. Presents aren’t really a thing in this world, presents are pre-bought and delivered to parties by the host. It’s a little redundant to ask people to get you stuff when you already know exactly what you want and can afford it easily, this way there’s no disappointment or drama of ‘oh they never bought me anything’, you know?”

“Wait so no one gets anyone any presents? Ever? That seems really… cold. I mean, for me, presents were never about how much money someone spent or if it was something I really wanted, the best presents were those personal things that only that person could have thought to have got you. You know, the inside jokes and the special memories that only you have together.”

Tony watched you with a fond expression as your teeth worried at your bottom lip, troubled that gift giving simply wasn’t a custom here, one side of his mouth curling in an adoring smirk. “You’re something else, you know that?” He murmured, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear, finger grazing your cheek before he gently pulled you into a sweet kiss, “Don’t worry about Nat beautiful, she’s just happy to have you as a friend, trust me there’s not much out there that she doesn’t already own anyway.”

The sound of your ringtone cut through the room, Tony pressing one final lingering kiss to your lips before he let you go, watching as you pulled the phone from your pocket and saw the photo of you and Nat lighting up the screen. You smiled at the picture before you swiped to answer it, leaving Tony’s office as you headed to fetch your jacket, the phone pressed to your ear as you listened to Nat eagerly tell you how excited she was.

“Anyway, I’m sitting outside waiting for you to make an appearance so hurry the fuck up!” Nat cut the phone off without so much as letting you say ‘bye’ and you could only chuckle at her impatience. 

You stared at the photo of the two of you once more before it faded from the screen, the cogs in your brain starting to slowly turn as an idea began to form for her present. Clicking on your photos you scrolled through the many pictures you had stored there of you, Nat, and the rest of the gang – the silly selfies and off-guard shots brought a smile to your face and you remember the look Nat had when she saw your first photo together, the naturalness of it was something she was unfamiliar with, telling you that the only real photos she had where from professional photographers or paparazzi and she had practically begged you to send it to her.

That’s when it hit you like a tonne of bricks, the perfect present for Nat; a photo album filled with personal photos of her and Sam and her friends. Grinning to yourself, you pocketed the phone and dashed out the front door to meet with Nat, practically flinging yourself into her car as she laughed at your enthusiasm.

“Wow Y/N, keep this up and people might thing you actually missed me,” Nat teased as the car pulled off towards the designer stores Nat had requested you go to.

Given that Nat was throwing a Moulin Rouge themed party, it was no surprise she was requesting that people dress appropriately and when Natasha Romanoff requested something only a fool would say no. She had asked you to come shopping with her for her outfit, wanting your opinion before she purchased something and giving you the opportunity to get yours as well.

Entering the store, you were blown away by the various outfits on display; beautiful corsets embedded with diamonds on mannequins in the window whilst luxurious feather fans and headdresses lined the shelves. One thing you did notice however, was that the store was near empty, the only other people in it bar you and Nat seemed to work there but before you could question it, one of the women were approaching you with a wide grin.

“Miss Romanoff! We’re so glad to see you; per your request this is completely private so feel free to browse at your leisure and myself and Mary-Anne are here to help you with anything you need,” The woman - who’s name tag read Julianne - informed you, holding her arms out wide to gesture to the empty store.

You arched a brow at Nat in disbelief and she only gave you a sly smirk in response before dragging you over to look through everything in the store. Mary-Anne brought you both a glass of champagne as you surveyed everything in the store, Nat holding things against her body for some idea of how it would look, adding the one’s she liked to her every growing pile to try on later.

Nat also forced you to pick out the ones you liked, adding them to your own pile but you were far more reluctant than her, the idea of wearing something so form-fitting and revealing in front of so many people making you apprehensive.

Heading to the back where the changing rooms were you both tried outfits on for the other, leaving your favourites until last of course, and giving each other opinions on what looked good and what you could pair it with.

Whilst you changed into your final outfits, you called out to Nat through the wall of the dressing room; “Hey Nat, once we’re done here do you want to get a massage? My back is killing me.”

“Yeah of course, what did you do?”

Unable to think of an excuse you tried to brush of Nat’s concern, but you should have known by now that it wouldn’t have been that easy, “Oh, it’s nothing, just a little stiff is all.”

“Y/N.”

You could hear the warning tone in Nat’s voice as you finished adjusting your corset, cringing before you slowly opened the door and saw her standing there with her arms crossed and brow raised like a disappointed mother.

Glancing behind you at Julianne and Mary-Anne you made sure they were occupied and not eavesdropping, grabbing Nat’s arm and moving her further away from the two just to be safe before you told her the truth.

“It’s just, Tony’s being doing really well with therapy and he is sleeping more but he still spends a lot of time in the lab, so I started going down there with him; sometimes I can stay awake but sometimes I sleep on one of the work benches down there and it’s not exactly been great for my back.”

Nat’s expression morphed into one of concern, moving closer to reassuringly grip your forearms, “Why are you sleeping in the lab, why are you even down there to begin with when Tony has a perfectly good mattress to sleep on upstairs? Is he making you do this because I-”

“No! Nat, god no he doesn’t ask me to do it it’s just – I just don’t want him to feel alone you know? I think that’s always been part of the problem for him,” You mused, Nat nodding her head slowly in understanding, “Please don’t tell Tony Nat, he’ll only feel guilty and it’s not his fault I promise, besides it’s nothing a little massage therapy won’t fix.”

“Hey, you never have to worry about me telling anybody anything ok? You’re my best friend, your trust means everything to me, I’ll take it to the grave I promise but I do have one question; are you sure that what you feel for Tony is just ‘friendship’ or whatever bullshit you said this arrangement is?”

You froze at Nat’s question; you knew that you were worried about Tony, who wouldn’t be? And you’d do anything to help him. But you’d do the same for any of your friends. Wouldn’t you?

You did have to admit that whatever lines you did have were beginning to become blurred but whether it was extending past platonic at this point you couldn’t decipher and you knew it was dangerous territory to try to at this point.

Swallowing against the dryness in your throat, you shook your head of the dazed feeling that had come over you, giving Nat a soft smile in reassurance. “We’re just friends Nat, I promise.”

Nat hesitated for a moment and you panicked thinking she was going to question you more but to your relief she simply grinned and took your hand in hers, leading you to the huge mirror so you could appreciate what you and she were wearing.

“Wow, you look good,” You complimented, eyes wandering over her very eye-catching outfit. Nat’s outfit consisted of a corseted bodysuit and was completely embellished in tiny silver diamonds with black diamond detailing that caught every ounce of light, making her shimmer with every slight movement. The outfit was finished off with fishnet tights that had diamonds sown into them and black silk gloves that ended at her wrists, a black top hat with a diamond completed the ensemble and if you didn’t know any better you would think she was off to perform any second now.

Nat could sure as hell rock this look that was for sure.

“Correction; WE look fucking amazing,” Nat said with a pointed look, linking her arm through yours as you smiled at her reflection.

You did have to admit that you liked what you saw, the idea of wearing to Nat’s birthday party seemed less daunting then it did half an hour ago and you sure as hell couldn’t wait for a certain billionaire philanthropist to see you in it.

Unlike Nat’s outfit, yours came in two separate pieces, a blush pink satin corset and a matching pair of panties, the corset had minor diamond detailing on it - compared to Nat’s which was covered completely in them - but it did have a diamond fringe that followed the along the bottom of the corset, creating a V shape on your front and behind. There was a diamond embellished garter strap that came down from the corset and attached to the matching pink hold-ups you were wearing. Your white silk gloves reached your elbow and you had a white and pink feather piece clipped into your hair.

You both admired each other in the mirror some more before your eyes met Nat’s in the reflection, smiling at her as you linked your hands together, “You’re my best friend too ya know, well, you and Wanda.”

Much to your surprise Nat pulled you into a bone-crushing hug and you froze at the unexpected gesture before you melted into her touch, wrapping your arms firmly around her as you returned the embrace.

The two of you were pulled apart when Julianne asked if everything was ok or if there was anything else that you needed.

“Everything’s great: we’re definitely gonna be taking these.” Nat answered, the both of you heading back into the dressing rooms to quickly change back into your clothes.

Nat finished everything with the order and even paid for your outfit even though you told her not to and Mary-Anne arranged the delivery to be sent to Tony’s apartment given that you would be getting ready there. You didn’t understand why you couldn’t just take the one you had tried on home, but Nat explained that they were only for show, not for sale, the ones you both would be wearing would be made to order and delivered to you.

After a successful day of shopping together, you went out for lunch at Nat’s favourite bistro chatting more about her upcoming party and what she had planned, both of you laughing over the boys’ latest shenanigans before she asked you if she could meet Wanda. The request took you by surprise but what shocked you more was the fact that the Natasha Romanoff looked nervous, your wide eyes and slack jaw morphed into a warm smile as you reached across the table and took her hand in yours, telling her that you’d love for her to get to know Wanda at which a relieved smile played at her lips.

The conversation soon returned to the usual and you and Nat headed off to get massages, having the kinks and knots in your back worked out felt heavenly and the day you two had spent together had put you in amazing spirits so much so that as soon as Nat had dropped you back off at Tony’s you had headed back out to gather everything you needed to make Nat’s birthday present.

And that’s how Tony found you, sitting on the floor of his living room, an open scrap book in front of you and a stack of photos to your left, scissors, glitter, glue, and stickers surrounding you as you decorated the pages surrounding the photos you had glued to the center.  

Tony simply allowed himself to watch you unnoticed for a minute longer, allowing himself to take in the enthusiasm you crafted the book together with, the sparkle in your eyes and pleased grin on your lips causing him to smile too, your happiness far too contagious to be ignored.

He couldn’t quite place what it was about you that made you so damn special; your kind heart, your selflessness, your loyalty and dedication, the fact that you could – not matter the situation – get him to laugh, the way you had taken every single one of his problems in your stride, he honestly didn’t know. Tony was beginning to suspect that he would never understand how anyone could be so astounding without even realising but as he watched you carefully add glitter to the page you were working on, tongue poking slightly out as you concentrated on your design, he knew that he had never made a greater choice then when he chose you.

a/n: i don’t have a tag list but if you want alerts please follow @angelicthorwrites and turn on notifications

[supergirlimaginesfic-blog]

Dating Kara Danvers (a crush on you would include)

Request: I really love your "Lena Imagine includes if she have crush on you" so much. Can you please do Kara version of it?? Thanks so much!! 

a/n: well, first off THANK YOU! :D and now... since I have nothing of substantial weight to add further, just let it be known that I love Kara Zor-El Danvers very much and she deserves to be happy and emotionally at peace, to be quite honest!!! That’s all, LOL

I hope you all have an awesome day! Thank you for reading! Send in some requests and prompts if you want to see me make something, I’ll finally be able to get back to actual fic-length stuff when I come back from vacation. Hopefully I can write something that y’all will enjoy! ;)

- - - - -

it’s not hard to decipher Kara’s love language (for lack of a better term only - you wouldn’t call it that right now) and in fact, you were enamoured in a way the moment she stumbled hastily through apologizing to you when she’d quite literally ran into you at Noonan’s

luckily, that was before she had to somehow juggle two trays of coffee and a bag of pastries in her hand, much to either of your outfits’ fortune. You’d offered to help her out after realizing you were staring at her in amused perplexity as she (much more nervously than she normally would, you suspected) tried to balance everything in her hands under your gaze

she gave you a radiant smile once she found a solution to her having a lack of hands only shortly after you offered your assistance, and you acquiesced with a smirk as she gave you a hurried goodbye over her shoulder in departure; you were only able to half-concentrate on your work when you sat at your table even hours after the encounter

it was only a short matter of time days after when your attention caught onto a brightly coloured presence in your peripheral vision, and from where you sat in the restaurant, you could see it was the girl who ran into you just a few days prior. You grinned to yourself, smiling fondly at the memory and only lifted your eyes again from your computer to watch as she moved swiftly again out the door once she had her order in hand

it wasn’t difficult to deduce that the girl was a regular at Noonan’s, and it was only solidified with the very telling hint of “just your usual?” from the server, and her bashful, “yes, please” encounter you witnessed in amused fondness, and when she nearly bumped into you again was when you finally got her name

“Hey, you-I-almost-ran-into!” “That would be me, me-you-almost-ran-into-again”

you were so charmed by the blush on her face in reaction to your teasing comment, and you felt a certain lightness when you saw her smile - you wouldn’t think much of that until later; you finally knew the cute girl’s name, and under serendipitous, near-miss occurrences, you got to introduce yourself

for reasons neither you nor her would admit readily, you encountered each other much more often at Noonan’s, and who was to say it was both of your doing if you frequented the place with eager anticipation as of late?

it had become a little bit of a routine for her to join you sometimes around lunch time; you were more than willing to put your work aside and have a short conversation with her

you’d lost track of the amount of times you spent a good portion of your time at Noonan’s just talking to Kara instead of working, and you absolutely were not complaining. Eventually, she’d let it slip easily for you to visit her at work in her abrupt realization that she was almost late to return from her break

you were only the slightest bit hesitant, but more so curious, to visit her when you knew she had a direct line of contact to the infamous Cat Grant

you weren’t disappointed when you dropped by her office one time to bring her coffee and Cat Grant walked out of her office and merely stared at you, unashamedly studying you and said not a single word to you before yelling for some employee named Juan

you think you’re a little bit of an ass for it, but you get far too much entertainment in making Kara laugh and blush, and it’s just so easy to do it, and you’ve made it into an experiment of sorts to see just how much you can get away with

when Kara invited you to a game night with her friends, you were more excited than you thought you could be, and the nights leading up to it all you could think about was how fun it could be

she properly introduced you to the tall black man you’d seen around her office who had a friendly smile and a low, gruff voice and James shook your hand and welcomed you

you learned that Winn, the computer technician at Kara’s office, was the man Cat Grant always referred to when she asked for Juan, and you finally understood the deeper inside joke of the workplace when Winn mentioned how Keira was so excited about you finally coming to game night

her sister, Alex, was pleasant enough but you couldn’t shake the feeling that sat in you throughout the entire night that she was wary and suspicious of you, and you were only slightly unnerved when you’d look up and actually catch her gaze, and you were always the first to look away

you distracted yourself by poking fun at Kara, relishing in the feeling of her as she sat beside you on the couch and watching with fond amusement as she lamented the sheer insolence that is James thinking he can get away with trading one sheep for three of her bricks

you got along surprisingly swimmingly with Winn, having been able to relate to him over video games and how much he positively gushed when you’d mentioned you had a gaming channel on the side - the rest of the evening was spent trading impassioned opinions about certain games and developments, and also being as physically close to Kara as often as you could get away with

Kara often asks you if you’re hungry, even when she’s cognizant of the fact that you just had food a short while prior, or even when she’s actually watched you consume food in her presence regardless

“I just have to make sure, sometimes human biology is difficult-”

now that you thought of it, Kara often cuts herself off mid-sentence and always looks like she’d just witnessed something she shouldn’t have, but you never thought much of it

“This would take less time if I just heat it up with my-” “I could fly over to the store-” “That looks like it would hurt. Even I felt that, and I can’t bruise or-”

she always sends you pictures and videos of things that are objectively, so absolutely cute

she wouldn’t stop gushing over the video of the baby golden retriever puppy being taught how to go down the stairs by its owner, and you could only watch as she rambled excitedly about how much she’d love to have a dog of her own

you’ve gotten into the habit of sending each other selfies of making stupid faces over snapchat, and you would argue any day over the fact that Kara was so much more adorable than the puppies and kittens she sends you

it takes a while for either of you to broach the personal space boundary entirely. When Kara brushed her hand over your arm in passing after you made a particularly lame joke that she thought was pretty hysterical, you felt your skin ablaze at her touch and you figured, perhaps it was a small mercy on her part that she’s never touched you before

you have the thought for all of maybe a singular fleeting moment - after that, Kara becomes the touchiest, most content person you’ve ever encountered

you spent a rare night indoors just watching TV and after you’d gotten over the shock of her leaning her head on your shoulder under the blanket draped over the two of you, you could smile to yourself in endearment

there is so much seemingly platonic touching that if she were any other person, your senses would be absolutely overloaded and you’d perhaps malfunction at this point. You’ve made an impressive run, however, and you’ve just taken Kara’s clingy tendencies in stride

she loves hugging you, and you think she finds just any excuse to hug you, which you are more than happy to indulge. You figure you love holding her in your arms just as much as she loves feeling you close to her

she’s still just as much of the cute, bumbling mess that she was when you first met her, especially when Alex is around - you can’t say you really blame her. You’re still intimidated by her, but she’s become more friendly with you whenever you happened to see her by the apartment

you get the sneaking suspicion that Kara works diligently to avoid every single circumstance that would allow for even the mere possibility of you and Alex ever having to be in the same room together, and you have to wonder why that is

you get the answer in the form of a shovel talk one night - really, though, it’s mostly just Alex talking at you and you staring back in shock and with the very prevalent notion of what just happened

“you make her happy, and that’s more than I can say about anyone else she’s brought here. But make her cry once and you’ll be doing the same, and more - I’ll see to it myself”

after that, Alex seemed an entirely new person, joining you in heckling Kara and you think you can appreciate the mischief that is so very clearly part of her personality that you’d never seen before

much to your happy discovery, making Kara blush and making sure she knows how you feel about her is a one-stop solution, and you know you’re pretty great at the gestures of affection

you’ve become a regular at the flower shop, and the counter salesperson always smiles at you knowingly when you drop by. You don’t go for the grand bouquet of flowers; even in your attempts to court Kara, you prefer subtlety - she always has a small mason jar filled with water for whatever flower or two you’d give her to decorate her desk this time

you leave sticky notes on her desk of silly jokes or cute messages, and you frequent the office so often that Cat Grant has stopped staring cuttingly at you whenever you’re around and has instead conceded to giving you an indifferent glance as if it were indicative of her silent approval, which you think kind of is

Kara loves watching you play guitar - there’s always the softest smile on her face and she seems so entranced by it, and you marveled at the faraway look in her eyes

you’ve noticed she’s got a bit of a habit of making plans and changing them at the very last minute for some new emergency, to which her reasons have become more and more absurd

you were fine if Kara wasn’t in the mood to hang out - you’d just wish that her signals weren’t so mixed up and confusing

you only started getting suspicious about her when she started talking about Supergirl more frequently; that is, it was under this guise and of being a reporter that she’d know about Supergirl’s conquests way before any news outlet, even CatCo, would have been able to report

the way she’d fidget and look uneasy whenever you two got onto the discussion of outer space was enough to tip you off that there was something she was hiding, but you didn’t want to push her

there was a situation happening at the bank nearby where you were, and when you and the rest of the people on the street went to spectate just what it was all the the commotion was about, Supergirl flew out of the building with a suspect each apprehended in handcuffs and walked them over to the police after landing

somehow, with the bustle of the crowd and the small army of police cruisers and ambulances around, you caught Supergirl’s eye and you were floored when her face brightened in happiness and she gave you a beaming smile. You couldn’t shake the feeling that it felt so familiar, but you figured she was Supergirl and that was reason in itself - you’d seen her face often enough to justify it

it was only one night when you were reading through CatCo magazine and saw a high quality picture of Supergirl and Kara came out of the bathroom without glasses on that you realized where you’d recognized her smile from. You knew you could have placed those eyes anywhere, damn it! It’s just not every day people have a genuine crush on someone who happened to be a crime-fighting hero

you let Kara keep her secret until she’s ready to tell you, if at all, or until other circumstances alter her plans (you hope she isn’t forced to endanger herself like that any time soon)

this new understanding shakes you, and you feel that much more softer and, inexplicably, quieter when Kara brings your arms and wraps them around her, or whenever she seems to melt into your embrace when you hug her

you marvel at the fact that this same woman who saves the city time and time again is the same one who laughs for near hours when you share a particularly embarrassing story of your childhood; this same girl who nearly bumped into you at the favourite restaurant you two share is the protector of your city

you’re content with having to share a part of Kara with the world - you would never give her an ultimatum to pick you or the greater good, or to force her to fit you into her life which is worlds more complicated than any other person could fathom

yours is a uniquely challenging dynamic, and though you’ve never made her aware of your knowledge of her identity, you still feel protective of her all the same. You’re content with being the one who gets to hold her when she needs it, when she wordlessly tells you what she needs and not at all about the deeper exhaustion she must feel after a battle

besides this, not much else is different apart from the extra box of pizza you purchase whenever you visit her - the look of pure delight on her face whenever you do is the most gratifying feeling, you think

subtly, you bring more food to her, more often, and at first you’d thought it was an amusing quirk, but now you realize the need is a lot more dire than the utter appreciation of food (which Kara also has a healthy amount of, you’ve come to learn)

Kara was off doing an errand one day and was away from her desk when you happened to drop by with bags of takeout for her, and you’d barely registered what was happening to you when you’d just been able to unhand the bags and Cat Grant was pulling you into her office

“You,” she’d said, jabbing a finger into your chest, and your eyes widened. You didn’t share the same fear of Cat Grant as her employees had, but you would be lying if you said she wasn’t an intimidating woman in general. “You, whatever you’re doing with my assistant, you better not do anything to jeopardize the happiness you clearly have a monopoly over. Keira is impossibly perkier than I have ever seen her in the years she has worked for me, and I only have you to blame, or to thank. Don’t mess it up.”

only two thoughts came to mind when you stood speechless before Cat Grant: 1. she just gave me a shovel talk, and, 2. this will make such an awesome story to tell

you were only ripped back out of your reverie when she addressed you by name, “(Y/N), I know who you are, and everything I need to know, I will use to make your life a living hell if you make Keira’s, and by extension - much to my reluctant misfortune, my own life, anything within a hair’s width of inconvenient with any of your romantic misgivings.”

two shovel talks and one really important secret all in all, you wondered just how it is you still haven’t asked Kara out officially yet

[wroetominter]

Saved - Simon Imagine

[aerialsquid]

My head is naked.

The Deeply Symbolic Haircut occurred a month and a half ago ago. I’d been keeping it off personal social media because I want to see how people react in person, but I don't think anyone who knows me IRL on here hasn't seen it yet. Please enjoy this extended hair saga.

This was before the haircut:

The hair and I had never been on good terms. If I’d taken care of it properly it would have been different, but I almost never did more than wash it daily and put it up in a ponytail. There was always fluff sticking up, or escaping from the hairtie. I might put some smoothing solution in it on occasion, to the point of frustrated excess if I actually wanted it to look good (it never did, or at least not to my satisfaction). I never cared for the sight of my own reflection, aside when I did cosplay, and the hair was a big part of it.

The problems didn't end there. My hair once ate a round hairbrush to the point we had to remove it with scissors right before a youth group dance, and someone’s pet rat needed assistance finding the way out when I let it walk on my shoulder. I caught it on fire leaning too close to Shabbat candles. I have twice gone through the TSA body scanners, set something off in the scanner, and been asked to take my hair down so the guard could scrunch her fingers through it to search it for…I don’t know, rare birds or something.

I got compliments on my hair not infrequently due to curl and color, and my answer was usually “If you want it, you can have it”.

Every time we took a family photo my parents and I would argue over whether I should keep it up or let it hang down. I always felt I looked bad with the hair falling across my face. They thought I looked pretty like that, and to be frank it didn’t look great pulled back in a harsh ponytail either. My mom constantly asked why I always dug my heels in about the hair when it was a simple thing that would take five bloody seconds to do. I was never quite sure why myself.

…And here we come to #Squid's gender and the larger implications of The Haircut.

Some of you may have noticed the survey I sent around a while back trying to gather information on exactly how people of varying identities feel and react when their perceived gender is socially invoked. The data’s been fascinating; among other things, a lot more people than I expected want to get rid of their chest bits regardless of their gender identity, while almost nobody feels anything besides awkwardness or confusion when their gender identity is misconstrued. It also left me with more frustration, because if I'm not...the thing that I'm currently being perceived as, I want some kind of plan of action to act upon this revelation. Contended self-acceptance of an ambiguous self-identity is not going to cut it.

I finally went to my friend J about the issue. J is trained as a counselor focusing on queer youth, which she’s currently trying to make into a proper profession. She asked me if the survey had a question about whether the noncisgender people felt they were doing it for attention. I said no, because I’d assumed that wasn’t a common thing.

“Not every young person I spoke with felt like they were just doing it for attention. But almost literally every young person did.”

“What the hell.”

I mentioned wishing I could just magically be seen as male for a week to see how it felt, without having to make some kind of big announcement that would be impossible to take back if I found out I was wrong. Using a binder isn’t easy at the moment given my pain issues. I own one and could only wear it for about half an hour before it got too painful. My voice is low but not low enough, and I've got curves in all the wrong places. Winter is good for hiding your physical form under a jacket, but there was no good workaround for hiding my giant barely-restrained poof of dead keratin.

J suggested I finally get it cut off.

“You’re worried about having to buy that ticket to Manland, so this is a good baby step. You’re not buying the ticket to Manland yet. You’re just testing it a bit, you’re dipping your toes into the Manwater.”

“NEW METAPHOR. NEW METAPHOR.”

The place J recommended is a queer run, queer friendly salon on the north side. I went in for a consult to see if it was even possible to get a short style without looking like a chia pet. My only request was ‘a masculine haircut’, no other details. I couldn’t point to a specific style I wanted. I’d never had it cut this short before. I didn't do anything to care for my hair or style it and now wanted a dramatic change. I probably looked twitchy as heck.

Perks of going to a queer-catering salon: Maeva didn’t say anything but I’m pretty sure she had my number in the first thirty seconds.

She showed me pictures of men with short curly hair and talked about the difference between the nature of men and women’s cuts. She also mentioned that if I was going to always keep my hair in a ponytail there was no reason to have it at all, and how it was always nice to see people getting a big change. It was suggested that I wear clothes that made me feel comfortable and nice-looking so I would get the best impression of my haircut once it was finished.

We made the appointment. I spent the next two weeks fixated on it, staring at people's heads in the streets, pulling back my hair in the mirror to try and mimic what it might look like.. Some people I deliberately didn’t tell because I wanted to see their faces after I did it; others I constantly talked about it to because I was unbearably excited for it.

I finally told my parents exactly how short ‘short’ hair would be the night before the appointment. They took it better than expected…took it fantastically, actually. My mom even mentioned that she'd been considering getting me haircuts for Hanukkah as a present. Between that and the hour we spent running around a men's consignment store looking at suits and blazers I'm wondering if she's getting any ideas too. My father just wanted to make sure I did not get a 'really gay' haircut.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

“What, like an undercut? That’s queer woman chic right now.”

“No, that mature gay woman’s haircut. You know, like gay women had ten years ago. The staid one.”

“I wasn’t looking at gay women ten years ago.”

“The kind older gay women tend to have, that really short one. You’d just look like a cliché.”

(NOTE: I’m out to my family as homoromantic asexual and the last person I went on a date with was nonbinary. I think my dad just doesn’t want me in a butch buzzcut.)

I wore the suit that Mom bought me. J offered to drive me to my appointment, and stayed for the entire session as moral support. My knee kept jumping. Butterflies occurred. I expected to be more nervous, what with this being the largest voluntary body modification I’ve had since my thyroidectomy. Instead I was so excited I could barely sit still.

Maeva and another stylist spent ten minutes braiding up the entirety of my hair so I could donate it. The entire time Maeva and her coworkers referred to me with they/them pronouns. No one had tipped them off, as far as I could tell. They had just looked at the situation as it lay and judged that it was best not to make assumptions. As soon as it was braided up for donating she started cutting, no pause to ask me if I was ready. The first one made me flinch. After that I couldn't stop staring. It felt like a weight was being lifted off of me, like something smothering me had been cut away.

When I was under the dryer J came over and murmured, "You know that look you were trying to achieve? You've got it. Also, your head is naked." (She would spend the rest of the evening interjecting 'your head is naked' at random intervals, as she attempted to get over this weirdness of seeing her friend's head shrink by several inches, and it has since become a running gag for us..)

We finished up, Maeva put some curly pomade in my hair that I still need to get the name for, and this was what I looked like.

Look at that grin. Just look at it. I don't think I've ever seen a photo of myself that exuded such utter joy. I feel liberated.

My parents bugged me for daily selfies until Tuesday. I’m getting constant compliments on my hair and now I'm agreeing with them. My boss actually squealed when she saw how it looked during our Skype chat. I've even had several people tell me that I "look more like you" like this, even if they're not sure how to explain what that means. (My friend Drake explained it as "you were dilute Squid, now you're concentrate Squid'). My confidence is higher, my self-loathing is lower, and I feel so much handsomer. When I look at my reflection I preen, smoothing or fluffing my hair, and then wind up just staring at myself for a bit.

The hair's been growing out, as hair tends to do. I feel actively stifled by this thick mass on my scalp, and as it grows my anxiety grows like I'm some reverse Samson who only keeps their power when their hair is shorn. I’m scheduled to get the auburn kudzu cut back on Monday and I cannot fucking /wait/.

(Also yes, I will explain later why there’s a dog skull on my groin in the last picture. Long story.)

[trendingnewsb]

Is everything you think you know about depression wrong?

In this extract from his new book, Johann Hari, who took antidepressants for 14 years, calls for a new approach

In the 1970s, a truth was accidentally discovered about depression one that was quickly swept aside, because its implications were too inconvenient, and too explosive. American psychiatrists had produced a book that would lay out, in detail, all the symptoms of different mental illnesses, so they could be identified and treated in the same way across the United States. It was called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. In the latest edition, they laid out nine symptoms that a patient has to show to be diagnosed with depression like, for example, decreased interest in pleasure or persistent low mood. For a doctor to conclude you were depressed, you had to show five of these symptoms over several weeks.

The manual was sent out to doctors across the US and they began to use it to diagnose people. However, after a while they came back to the authors and pointed out something that was bothering them. If they followed this guide, they had to diagnose every grieving person who came to them as depressed and start giving them medical treatment. If you lose someone, it turns out that these symptoms will come to you automatically. So, the doctors wanted to know, are we supposed to start drugging all the bereaved people in America?

The authors conferred, and they decided that there would be a special clause added to the list of symptoms of depression. None of this applies, they said, if you have lost somebody you love in the past year. In that situation, all these symptoms are natural, and not a disorder. It was called the grief exception, and it seemed to resolve the problem.

Then, as the years and decades passed, doctors on the frontline started to come back with another question. All over the world, they were being encouraged to tell patients that depression is, in fact, just the result of a spontaneous chemical imbalance in your brain it is produced by low serotonin, or a natural lack of some other chemical. Its not caused by your life its caused by your broken brain. Some of the doctors began to ask how this fitted with the grief exception. If you agree that the symptoms of depression are a logical and understandable response to one set of life circumstances losing a loved one might they not be an understandable response to other situations? What about if you lose your job? What if you are stuck in a job that you hate for the next 40 years? What about if you are alone and friendless?

The grief exception seemed to have blasted a hole in the claim that the causes of depression are sealed away in your skull. It suggested that there are causes out here, in the world, and they needed to be investigated and solved there. This was a debate that mainstream psychiatry (with some exceptions) did not want to have. So, they responded in a simple way by whittling away the grief exception. With each new edition of the manual they reduced the period of grief that you were allowed before being labelled mentally ill down to a few months and then, finally, to nothing at all. Now, if your baby dies at 10am, your doctor can diagnose you with a mental illness at 10.01am and start drugging you straight away.

Dr Joanne Cacciatore, of Arizona State University, became a leading expert on the grief exception after her own baby, Cheyenne, died during childbirth. She had seen many grieving people being told that they were mentally ill for showing distress. She told me this debate reveals a key problem with how we talk about depression, anxiety and other forms of suffering: we dont, she said, consider context. We act like human distress can be assessed solely on a checklist that can be separated out from our lives, and labelled as brain diseases. If we started to take peoples actual lives into account when we treat depression and anxiety, Joanne explained, it would require an entire system overhaul. She told me that when you have a person with extreme human distress, [we need to] stop treating the symptoms. The symptoms are a messenger of a deeper problem. Lets get to the deeper problem.

*****

I was a teenager when I swallowed my first antidepressant. I was standing in the weak English sunshine, outside a pharmacy in a shopping centre in London. The tablet was white and small, and as I swallowed, it felt like a chemical kiss. That morning I had gone to see my doctor and I had told him crouched, embarrassed that pain was leaking out of me uncontrollably, like a bad smell, and I had felt this way for several years. In reply, he told me a story. There is a chemical called serotonin that makes people feel good, he said, and some people are naturally lacking it in their brains. You are clearly one of those people. There are now, thankfully, new drugs that will restore your serotonin level to that of a normal person. Take them, and you will be well. At last, I understood what had been happening to me, and why.

However, a few months into my drugging, something odd happened. The pain started to seep through again. Before long, I felt as bad as I had at the start. I went back to my doctor, and he told me that I was clearly on too low a dose. And so, 20 milligrams became 30 milligrams; the white pill became blue. I felt better for several months. And then the pain came back through once more. My dose kept being jacked up, until I was on 80mg, where it stayed for many years, with only a few short breaks. And still the pain broke back through.

I started to research my book, Lost Connections: Uncovering The Real Causes of Depression and the Unexpected Solutions, because I was puzzled by two mysteries. Why was I still depressed when I was doing everything I had been told to do? I had identified the low serotonin in my brain, and I was boosting my serotonin levels yet I still felt awful. But there was a deeper mystery still. Why were so many other people across the western world feeling like me? Around one in five US adults are taking at least one drug for a psychiatric problem. In Britain, antidepressant prescriptions have doubled in a decade, to the point where now one in 11 of us drug ourselves to deal with these feelings. What has been causing depression and its twin, anxiety, to spiral in this way? I began to ask myself: could it really be that in our separate heads, all of us had brain chemistries that were spontaneously malfunctioning at the same time?

To find the answers, I ended up going on a 40,000-mile journey across the world and back. I talked to the leading social scientists investigating these questions, and to people who have been overcoming depression in unexpected ways from an Amish village in Indiana, to a Brazilian city that banned advertising and a laboratory in Baltimore conducting a startling wave of experiments. From these people, I learned the best scientific evidence about what really causes depression and anxiety. They taught me that it is not what we have been told it is up to now. I found there is evidence that seven specific factors in the way we are living today are causing depression and anxiety to rise alongside two real biological factors (such as your genes) that can combine with these forces to make it worse.

Once I learned this, I was able to see that a very different set of solutions to my depression and to our depression had been waiting for me all along.

To understand this different way of thinking, though, I had to first investigate the old story, the one that had given me so much relief at first. Professor Irving Kirsch at Harvard University is the Sherlock Holmes of chemical antidepressants the man who has scrutinised the evidence about giving drugs to depressed and anxious people most closely in the world. In the 1990s, he prescribed chemical antidepressants to his patients with confidence. He knew the published scientific evidence, and it was clear: it showed that 70% of people who took them got significantly better. He began to investigate this further, and put in a freedom of information request to get the data that the drug companies had been privately gathering into these drugs. He was confident that he would find all sorts of other positive effects but then he bumped into something peculiar.

Illustration by Michael Driver.

We all know that when you take selfies, you take 30 pictures, throw away the 29 where you look bleary-eyed or double-chinned, and pick out the best one to be your Tinder profile picture. It turned out that the drug companies who fund almost all the research into these drugs were taking this approach to studying chemical antidepressants. They would fund huge numbers of studies, throw away all the ones that suggested the drugs had very limited effects, and then only release the ones that showed success. To give one example: in one trial, the drug was given to 245 patients, but the drug company published the results for only 27 of them. Those 27 patients happened to be the ones the drug seemed to work for. Suddenly, Professor Kirsch realised that the 70% figure couldnt be right.

It turns out that between 65 and 80% of people on antidepressants are depressed again within a year. I had thought that I was freakish for remaining depressed while on these drugs. In fact, Kirsch explained to me in Massachusetts, I was totally typical. These drugs are having a positive effect for some people but they clearly cant be the main solution for the majority of us, because were still depressed even when we take them. At the moment, we offer depressed people a menu with only one option on it. I certainly dont want to take anything off the menu but I realised, as I spent time with him, that we would have to expand the menu.

This led Professor Kirsch to ask a more basic question, one he was surprised to be asking. How do we know depression is even caused by low serotonin at all? When he began to dig, it turned out that the evidence was strikingly shaky. Professor Andrew Scull of Princeton, writing in the Lancet, explained that attributing depression to spontaneously low serotonin is deeply misleading and unscientific. Dr David Healy told me: There was never any basis for it, ever. It was just marketing copy.

I didnt want to hear this. Once you settle into a story about your pain, you are extremely reluctant to challenge it. It was like a leash I had put on my distress to keep it under some control. I feared that if I messed with the story I had lived with for so long, the pain would run wild, like an unchained animal. Yet the scientific evidence was showing me something clear, and I couldnt ignore it.

*****

So, what is really going on? When I interviewed social scientists all over the world from So Paulo to Sydney, from Los Angeles to London I started to see an unexpected picture emerge. We all know that every human being has basic physical needs: for food, for water, for shelter, for clean air. It turns out that, in the same way, all humans have certain basic psychological needs. We need to feel we belong. We need to feel valued. We need to feel were good at something. We need to feel we have a secure future. And there is growing evidence that our culture isnt meeting those psychological needs for many perhaps most people. I kept learning that, in very different ways, we have become disconnected from things we really need, and this deep disconnection is driving this epidemic of depression and anxiety all around us.

Lets look at one of those causes, and one of the solutions we can begin to see if we understand it differently. There is strong evidence that human beings need to feel their lives are meaningful that they are doing something with purpose that makes a difference. Its a natural psychological need. But between 2011 and 2012, the polling company Gallup conducted the most detailed study ever carried out of how people feel about the thing we spend most of our waking lives doing our paid work. They found that 13% of people say they are engaged in their work they find it meaningful and look forward to it. Some 63% say they are not engaged, which is defined as sleepwalking through their workday. And 24% are actively disengaged: they hate it.

Antidepressant prescriptions have doubled over the last decade. Photograph: Anthony Devlin/PA

Most of the depressed and anxious people I know, I realised, are in the 87% who dont like their work. I started to dig around to see if there is any evidence that this might be related to depression. It turned out that a breakthrough had been made in answering this question in the 1970s, by an Australian scientist called Michael Marmot. He wanted to investigate what causes stress in the workplace and believed hed found the perfect lab in which to discover the answer: the British civil service, based in Whitehall. This small army of bureaucrats was divided into 19 different layers, from the permanent secretary at the top, down to the typists. What he wanted to know, at first, was: whos more likely to have a stress-related heart attack the big boss at the top, or somebody below him?

Everybody told him: youre wasting your time. Obviously, the boss is going to be more stressed because hes got more responsibility. But when Marmot published his results, he revealed the truth to be the exact opposite. The lower an employee ranked in the hierarchy, the higher their stress levels and likelihood of having a heart attack. Now he wanted to know: why?

And thats when, after two more years studying civil servants, he discovered the biggest factor. It turns out if you have no control over your work, you are far more likely to become stressed and, crucially, depressed. Humans have an innate need to feel that what we are doing, day-to-day, is meaningful. When you are controlled, you cant create meaning out of your work.

Suddenly, the depression of many of my friends, even those in fancy jobs who spend most of their waking hours feeling controlled and unappreciated started to look not like a problem with their brains, but a problem with their environments. There are, I discovered, many causes of depression like this. However, my journey was not simply about finding the reasons why we feel so bad. The core was about finding out how we can feel better how we can find real and lasting antidepressants that work for most of us, beyond only the packs of pills we have been offered as often the sole item on the menu for the depressed and anxious. I kept thinking about what Dr Cacciatore had taught me we have to deal with the deeper problems that are causing all this distress.

I found the beginnings of an answer to the epidemic of meaningless work in Baltimore. Meredith Mitchell used to wake up every morning with her heart racing with anxiety. She dreaded her office job. So she took a bold step one that lots of people thought was crazy. Her husband, Josh, and their friends had worked for years in a bike store, where they were ordered around and constantly felt insecure, Most of them were depressed. One day, they decided to set up their own bike store, but they wanted to run it differently. Instead of having one guy at the top giving orders, they would run it as a democratic co-operative. This meant they would make decisions collectively, they would share out the best and worst jobs and they would all, together, be the boss. It would be like a busy democratic tribe. When I went to their store Baltimore Bicycle Works the staff explained how, in this different environment, their persistent depression and anxiety had largely lifted.

Its not that their individual tasks had changed much. They fixed bikes before; they fix bikes now. But they had dealt with the unmet psychological needs that were making them feel so bad by giving themselves autonomy and control over their work. Josh had seen for himself that depressions are very often, as he put it, rational reactions to the situation, not some kind of biological break. He told me there is no need to run businesses anywhere in the old humiliating, depressing way we could move together, as a culture, to workers controlling their own workplaces.

*****

With each of the nine causes of depression and anxiety I learned about, I kept being taught startling facts and arguments like this that forced me to think differently. Professor John Cacioppo of Chicago University taught me that being acutely lonely is as stressful as being punched in the face by a stranger and massively increases your risk of depression. Dr Vincent Felitti in San Diego showed me that surviving severe childhood trauma makes you 3,100% more likely to attempt suicide as an adult. Professor Michael Chandler in Vancouver explained to me that if a community feels it has no control over the big decisions affecting it, the suicide rate will shoot up.

This new evidence forces us to seek out a very different kind of solution to our despair crisis. One person in particular helped me to unlock how to think about this. In the early days of the 21st century, a South African psychiatrist named Derek Summerfeld went to Cambodia, at a time when antidepressants were first being introduced there. He began to explain the concept to the doctors he met. They listened patiently and then told him they didnt need these new antidepressants, because they already had anti-depressants that work. He assumed they were talking about some kind of herbal remedy.

He asked them to explain, and they told him about a rice farmer they knew whose left leg was blown off by a landmine. He was fitted with a new limb, but he felt constantly anxious about the future, and was filled with despair. The doctors sat with him, and talked through his troubles. They realised that even with his new artificial limb, his old jobworking in the rice paddieswas leaving him constantly stressed and in physical pain, and that was making him want to just stop living. So they had an idea. They believed that if he became a dairy farmer, he could live differently. So they bought him a cow. In the months and years that followed, his life changed. His depressionwhich had been profoundwent away. You see, doctor, they told him, the cow was an antidepressant.

To them, finding an antidepressant didnt mean finding a way to change your brain chemistry. It meant finding a way to solve the problem that was causing the depression in the first place. We can do the same. Some of these solutions are things we can do as individuals, in our private lives. Some require bigger social shifts, which we can only achieve together, as citizens. But all of them require us to change our understanding of what depression and anxiety really are.

This is radical, but it is not, I discovered, a maverick position. In its official statement for World Health Day in 2017, the United Nations reviewed the best evidence and concluded that the dominant biomedical narrative of depression is based on biased and selective use of research outcomes that must be abandoned. We need to move from focusing on chemical imbalances, they said, to focusing more on power imbalances.

After I learned all this, and what it means for us all, I started to long for the power to go back in time and speak to my teenage self on the day he was told a story about his depression that was going to send him off in the wrong direction for so many years. I wanted to tell him: This pain you are feeling is not a pathology. Its not crazy. It is a signal that your natural psychological needs are not being met. It is a form of grief for yourself, and for the culture you live in going so wrong. I know how much it hurts. I know how deeply it cuts you. But you need to listen to this signal. We all need to listen to the people around us sending out this signal. It is telling you what is going wrong. It is telling you that you need to be connected in so many deep and stirring ways that you arent yet but you can be, one day.

If you are depressed and anxious, you are not a machine with malfunctioning parts. You are a human being with unmet needs. The only real way out of our epidemic of despair is for all of us, together, to begin to meet those human needs for deep connection, to the things that really matter in life.

This is an edited extract from Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression and the Unexpected Solutions by Johann Hari, published by Bloomsbury on 11 January (16.99). To order a copy for 14.44 go to guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over 10, online orders only. Phone orders min p&p of 1.99. It will be available in audio at audible.co.uk

Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jan/07/is-everything-you-think-you-know-about-depression-wrong-johann-hari-lost-connections

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