#the audience is forever watching these creepy assholes walk around with the face of a character we loved

[kurozu501]

while im talking about the elans, i love how they did this shot in the op thats half elan 4 and half elan 5 (you can tell by the earrings) but only the elan 5 side opens its eye.

[dokoni-mo]

Far Away, Together || Darth Vader x Reader (Chapter 5)

(A/N: okay, hear me out here yall. This is probably my favorite thing that I have ever written. I cannot describe how much fun i had writing this for yall and jamming out to my tunes and thinking about my large cyborg husband. I just hope that yall will like this chapter just as much as i do :’’’))) as always, feel free to ask to be added to the taglist, as well as send me any asks you have for me (now that I know asks are open). Thank you all so much for your support, it truly means the world to me) 

Chapter One: [x] 

Chapter Two: [x]

Chapter Three: [x]

Chapter Four: [x]

WARNINGS: some cursing, mentions of broken glass, an old guy being kinda creepy, crying, a lil drinking, some yelling, otherwise none! :)

Key: (F/N) = first name, (L/N) = last name

Word Count: ~6800

~~~

The planet you were brought to was almost everything that you had hoped it to be. 

Touching down on the surface and watching the door to the shuttle touch the ground, you were met with a sight that you never thought that you would see again. Tall, green trees, lush green grass, flowers of multiple colors (some of which gave off their own bioluminescence), the distant silhouettes of birds and other animals accompanied by their various calls and sounds, and even the odd insect or two floating past your vision. 

This planet was almost everything you had hoped for. The only thing that it was missing is that it wasn’t your home.

You waited for him to step off the shuttle before you did so. This was partially due to the unwritten rules of respect you had to follow, and partially due to you having no idea of how to conduct yourself. Watching the sith lord’s heavy boots touch the surface of the stone of the landing pad, you took this as your cue to step out of the shuttle as well, your legs wobbling slightly from the gravity. 

Lord Vader’s attention was immediately taken away by an officer with a datapad and a rundown of the plan to mingle with the royals. Not wanting to get in the way, you took the opportunity to get a better look at your surroundings. Pushing past a handful of stormtroopers, you found yourself standing before the ledge of the landing pad, placing your hands on the waist-height wall that adorned the perimeter. 

Looking straight ahead, you were greeted with the long expanse of an ocean, it's horizon dotted with the outline of an island here and there, it's breeze making a few locks of your hair dance. Beyond that, you took note of the setting sun that was steadily falling below the surface of the water, it’s orange glow illuminating your face. Looking to the right, you saw the large forest that surrounded the landing pad, smiling softly at the trees you did not recognize. Looking to the left, you took note of the town with the large building in the middle, towering over the other buildings. The palace, you presumed. 

Shifting your stance to let you rest your elbows on the wall in front of you, you allowed yourself a brief moment of compilation as you looked out at the scenery before you. You almost felt at peace here on this planet at this moment, but you knew it wouldn’t last. In three days time, you would return to the Super Star Destroyer, back to your station, back to repairing that hunk-of-junk of a TIE Advanced x1.

You dreaded it. 

However, thinking a moment longer, you allowed yourself to admit to an unknown audience a sliver of your deepest thoughts. 

If I’m still able to talk to him and… be, with him… 

I suppose it’s not so bad.

Your moment of self-reflection was cut short just like almost every moment you tried to take for yourself. You would have been annoyed, if it weren't for the person who interrupted it. Recognizing the rhythmic breathing coming closer and closer to you, along with the large silhouette of deep, rich black, you shot up a small, quick smile, aiming it at the mask of the figure. This is all you did to acknowledge the dark lord of the sith as you continued to look at the picture before you. 

“It’s… nice.” You spoke after a moment, crossing one of your feet in front of the other, “The view, I mean.” 

You didn’t notice how Lord Vader’s gaze had been strictly locked upon your frame as he formulated his response. 

“Indeed, it is.” 

~~~

The walk to the palace proper was long, and would have been excruciatingly boring if it weren’t for all the sights you got to absorb along the way. 

The entire journey you were able to stride alongside Lord Vader, minus a few times that you had gotten distracted and started to pause in place. This was met by Lord Vader stopping and calling out your name to get you to focus again. You would have been embarrassed if you weren’t so awe-struck. 

Just outside the large doors of the palace entrance, you had noticed a long row of men in uniform stood at attention, along with a handful of nicely dressed people, the most nicely dressed in the middle. Using your years of learning how to tell uniforms apart, you figured that the men at attention must be soldiers, the man in the middle the king, and those around him advisors of some sort. Noticing their gaze locked upon your posse of a sith lord, a handful of officers, and a battalion of elite troopers, you felt your gaze fall and your face flush red.

You had no idea how to act or what to think. 

Keeping your footsteps as close to Lord Vader’s as possible, you felt your gut sink as you got closer and closer. 

Once you were within a good enough distance, the king of the planet stepped forward with open arms. You would have found this ridiculous if it weren’t for the circumstances at hand. Lord Vader was quite intimidating to say the absolute least, so you didn’t blame the king for trying to be friendly. In fact, you almost commended his efforts to try and get on some semblance of an even ground with the sith. 

“Lord Vader!” the king called out, closing the distance between him, the dark lord, and you, “How thrilled we are to have you here!”

Holding out a hand for Lord Vader, the king must have been expecting some sort of friendly greeting. Of course, this was not reciprocated by Vader, and was instead only greeted by his intimidating gaze. Feeling the air of don’t fucking touch me eminating off of Vader, the king chuckled almost too nervously as he turned his attention to you, making your spine stiffen and your shoulders tense. 

“Oh, my sweet dear! And who might you be, hm?” The king of the planet asked, his tone almost making you gag. 

Suppressing your urge to punch the man in the face, you panicked for a moment as you tried to figure out what a proper greeting was. Your mind eventually settling on falling to a knee, you felt your cheeks redden as you realized that you had taken too long to respond. 

“I-I’m-” you began to say as you started the motion of you falling to a kneeling position, only to be suddenly stopped. No matter how hard you tried, your body would not follow through with the action. Your panic starting to grow and grow, your brain tried to make sense of the odd sensation overbearing you. It felt as if you were frozen in place, unable to move no matter how hard you tried. It was as if some invisible force… 

Your eyes widened at the answer presented before you. 

He was making you not kneel before this asshole. 

Your cheeks burned even brighter. 

“This is Miss (F/N) (L/N).” Lord Vader said flatly. You could tell that he was already annoyed as he continued, “She is here serving as the representative you so adamantly required.” 

Cue another nervous chuckle from the king, “Y-yes, well, I am very happy you have decided to join us tonight, Miss (F/N).”

Before you could even register what was happening, the king grabbed your left hand and held it gingerly in his own, locking eye contact with you.

Oh yeah. This guy was definitely punching material. 

Swallowing your pride, you put on the best friendly smile you could muster before taking your hand back, speaking softly. “The… The honor is mine, your majesty.” 

The honor was definitely not yours.

~~~

After what seemed like forever of meeting-and-greeting, you along with Lord Vader and a few officers were led to a large dining room where matters would be discussed over dinner (for those who could eat it, of course). Sensing your discomfort, Lord Vader had told you to sit next to him during the dinner, rather than the customary sitting in front of him. You had thanked him silently for this, since you knew that you would feel much better being near a familiar face than some old creep. 

You didn’t pay much attention to the words that were exchanged between the king and the sith. You would dip in and out of the conversation, finding it to be rather boring. This did not exactly surprise you, however, since you were never one for politics. 

Instead of trying to follow the conversation for what felt like the billionth time, you directed your attention to the plate of food before you. Only about half of it's contents consumed, you used your fork to pick at the rest. Even though you had been hungry before, your appetite had diminished substantially since earlier that evening. Even though the greenery and palace that surrounded you was beautiful, you could tell by Lord Vader’s demeanor that the people living within it were not. You figured that the mining materials on this planet must be important, otherwise neither you nor Lord Vader would be there.

You wondered if he had to do this often. Stealing a glance at the dark lord as he listened to what the king had to blubber on and on about, you felt an odd emotion wash over you. 

Pity. 

He must not like doing this sort of thing, you thought to yourself, I can tell that he doesn’t like it here.

I can’t blame him, though. I don’t know if I like it either. 

His master… the Emperor, he must make him do this sort of thing, against his will. 

I feel so bad for him. 

Lord Vader… if I could get us out of here, I-

“So, Miss (F/N),” you heard the king’s voice call out, almost too loud. The sudden usage of your first name made your back arch and your head snap up, quickly finding its way to train on the king. Your gaze upon him, you noticed the glint in his blue eyes as he looked at you.

Ew. 

“What is your exact position in the Empire, my dear?” The blue-eyed freak asked you. 

You rubbed your thighs with your hands as your spoke, your gaze faltering, “Uhm, well… I was a mechanic on Endor for a long while… Then I was transferred to work on the Super Star Destroyer… Then I was transferred to work as Lord Vader’s personal mechanic.” 

“I see… Your skills must be quite impressive then, I take it.”

His words were spoken as a statement but you knew he was asking. You bit the inside of your cheek as you glanced over to Lord Vader, noticing how his hands were twitching to ball into fists.

He must’ve really hated it there. 

“I just like to think that I got lucky, your majesty.” You responded. 

This was met by a loud chuckle by the king, only silenced by the sip of wine. You had never been so grateful for wine before. 

“Ah yes, luck…” the king began, propping his way-too-shiny boots upon the table, “Luck truly is what makes the world go ‘round, isn’t it my dear? Luck has allowed me to have all you see before you. Luck has brought me great fortune and fame throughout the system, and has brought you all here to me, the Empire, that is. Most importantly, however, lady luck has brought quite the breathtaking mechanic to my doorstep.”

Gross gross gross gross. You wanted to get up and walk out right there. You wanted to throw up right there on the table in front of that asshole and all his maids and servants. You wanted to get up and kick all of the fancy food to the floor and dance on the crumbs. But, since you were here representing the Empire, representing him, you held your tongue and stopped your muscles from carrying out the action. 

Letting your gaze fall, you noticed how Lord Vader’s hands were now in large, firm fists. 

“Th-thank you, your majesty…” was all you were able to choke out without hurling.

“Of course, my dear. You know…” the king began, taking his boots off the table so that he could lean in your direction, making you maintain eye contact with him. “The Empire is quite expansive, no? There’s many troopers and mechanics in it’s ranks, is there not?” 

“There is, your majesty…” 

Please stop talking to me. 

“Yes, and I’m sure that at least someone could come close to matching your skill level. You see, here on my lovely planet, we are quite lacking in quality mechanics such as yourself. So, my dear, if you are interested, I would be ever so pleased to have you transfer to me as my-” 

The king was cut short by the unholy SMASH that came from right next to you, making you nearly jump out of your skin and scream bloody murder. The sound was accompanied by the excruciatingly thick sound of wood splintering and cracking under fancy table cloth, followed by the piercing sound of dishes and silverware falling to the floor.  Whipping your head to inspect it's source, you felt both relieved and scared-shitless at the sight before you. 

Lord Vader’s strong, mechanical fist was nestled amidst a nest of splinters and food crumbs. His shoulders were tense, and his breathing was more ragged than normal. His other fist, clenched tightly in a ball on his wide lap, was shaking from the sheer force of his grip. You knew that if your arm was within that grasp, the bone would be turned to dust. 

You hoped your cheeks weren’t as pink as they felt. 

After a long moment of silence from every party in the dining room, Lord Vader’s breath slowly returned to normal. Slowly taking his fists off their resting positions, he crossed his large, strong arms over the wide expanse of his armor-clad chest, his gaze focused straight in front of him. 

“There was an insect.” Was all the Dark Lord gave as an explanation.

You didn’t know whether to believe him or not. 

After another long bout of silence, the king of the planet cleared his throat and dusted off his lap. As he spoke, you could practically hear the fear in his words dripping to the floor. 

“I-I’m terribly sorry about that, L-Lord Vader… I thought that I had told my servants to, umm…” 

Clearing his throat again as a way to end his sentence and change the subject, the king assumed his normal tone, trying to block out any residual fear.

“Well, I do think that we are quite finished with dinner, yes? Excellent! My Lord, I do hope that you and Miss (F/N) shall attend the gala I am hosting tonight here in my palace. You can see it as a way to welcome you and the Empire here in our humble little world.” 

“We shall attend.” was all Lord Vader replied with as he stood from his seated position, looming over the table he had nearly destroyed. “We are done here, (F/N). Come.” he continued, the speed of his steps making his cape flutter behind him. 

Mumbling out a quiet thank you for dinner, you quickly got up and followed behind the sith lord, trying to match your pace to his. 

If it weren’t for the dozen’s of eyes trained on the pair of you as you exited, you could’ve sworn that you would have jumped into Lord Vader’s arms right then and right there.

~~~

The last place that you wanted to go that night was to the stupid gala. 

Even though you had spent less than 12 hours on this planet, you already knew you disliked it. Everything about it was beautiful, except for that damn king. The way he spoke to you made your goosebumps raise, and the way he looked at you made you want to slap him across his smug face. 

Worst of all, however, he had tried to take you away from him. 

You didn’t know why this was the worst of all, but it was. You figured that it was because you had really grown fond of the sith from all the time you had spent with him and all the conversations you had.

As odd as it seemed, you considered Lord Vader to be… 

Someone you cared about. 

The extent of that care? You didn’t know. You couldn’t even begin to know. 

Getting ready to go to the stupid gala was painfully easy to do. Since you owned no fancy dresses, you were only left to wear your formal uniform, because nothing says party like military-distributed clothing.

In order to look at least a bit more gala-ready, you had spent the time allocated to you in your appointed room getting as many creases out as you could. Without access to an iron, this was quite the challenge, but you still smoothed out the black fabric to the best of your ability. 

You watched yourself put on the clothing in the mirror as you got ready to head downstairs to the venue. Staring at your reflection, you pondered how the night would go.

I hope no one asks to dance with me. I don’t really feel up to it anymore. Not that there’s anyone I’d want to dance with anyway. I wonder if Lord Vader will wear anything different tonight. He doesn’t really seem the type to get dressed up, though… 

Finishing your dress-up by fastening your belt around your waist, you let your arms fall to your sides as you looked your reflection up and down. For seemingly no reason, seeing yourself in the mirror with that damn uniform on filled you with an indescribable emotion.You absolutely hated how you looked. You felt like crying and laughing at the same time, but didn’t know which one to pick. 

How in the galaxy did I get here? You wondered to yourself as you lifted your hands to rest on opposite shoulders, rubbing them up and down as if to rid yourself of any phantom pains. You bit your lip as you let your head fall to lock your gaze onto the ground. 

You felt your eyes brim with tears and a laugh bubble in your diaphragm as you felt a thought dance in your mind. 

I want him here. 

~~~

Your moment of a pity-party was swiftly interrupted by the sound of music being played from below you. Snapping your head up, you knew that it was time for you to force yourself to go downstairs and mingle with the attendees. Quickly swiping the tears out of your eyes, you dusted off your uniform one last time as you clacked your boots to the door and swung it open, revealing yourself once again to the outside world. 

You were a bit disheartened that Lord Vader wasn’t standing outside your door as he had done a few nights before. However, you figured that was because that was one, a rare scenario and, two, you were technically late to the gala. You knew Lord Vader was never ever late, so you supposed you could forgive him for not being there. 

Making your way down the long, marble, dimly-lit hallway of the palace and down the grand staircase in the middle, you scanned the scene beneath you with weary eyes. You would have been disgusted, were you not so tired. Everyone in sight was either dressed in far-too-expensive pieces of clothing or in way-too-fancy military uniform. Some couples danced on the floor, but a vast majority talked in small groups amongst themselves as butlers passed by with drinks and snacks. There was even the odd fellow or two that just didn’t seem to fit in anywhere, and found roost amidst the others like him at the bar. You smiled to yourself softly. The scene oddly reminded you of your old station on the Super Star Destroyer. 

Small world. 

Lord Vader, much like before, was very easy to spot amidst the crowd of other people. He was much taller than everyone there, and he stuck out being dressed head to toe in deep, rich black. His hands were placed on his belt as a few nobility members came and went, most likely unable to strike up a meaningful conversation with the sith. This, again, made you smile softly to yourself. Lord Vader most definitely didn’t enjoy mingling with others. 

Seeing as though you knew literally no one else at the gala, you made your way over to the tall sith that you knew almost too well, mumbling out quiet apologies to those you pushed past. Once you had made it to a small clearing, you were finally able to get a good look at the sith lord you knew. 

You remarked on how good he looked as his armor illuminated the soft glow of the lights surrounding room.

He must have sensed your gaze or your presence as you stood about 10 feet away from him, looking at him dumbly. Moving the face of his mask to look at you, you could have sworn that time stood still for a brief moment as the two of you made eye contact with one another. You couldn’t stop the smile that plastered itself upon your face as you looked at him, the butterflies in your stomach almost causing a hurricane as you felt your heart swell. 

You didn’t know why you felt such a way, but you were not ready to complain in the slightest. 

Deciding that enough was enough, you closed the distance between the two of you, placing a hand on your hip once you were close enough to him that he could hear you and you could hear him. Your smile did not falter as you met the gaze of his mask. 

“Good evening, my Lord.” you said to him, your tone edged with a touch of cheerfulness. 

“(F/N),” he responded, “you are late.” 

You giggled a little as you let your gaze fall upon the crowd surrounding you and the dark lord. 

“I believe it’s fashionable for these types of events, my Lord.” 

A moment of silence was shared between the two of you before you decided to speak again. 

“You know…” you said, “I only just got here, and I’m already ready to call it a night.” 

Lord Vader looked at you briefly before speaking. 

“I agree.” 

You chuckled a little as you glanced up at him, another smile painting your features. 

After another moment of silence, he finally spoke again. 

“(F/N)... I-” he began to say as he lifted up his hand to rest upon an unknown location upon your body before he was rudely and unannouncedly interrupted by the gala’s loud, boisterous, slightly tipsy host carrying two drinks in his hands. 

“Miss (F/N)! Lord Vader!” said the king almost too loudly, pushing his way into conversation distance between you, him, and the sith lord. “Enjoying the party, are we?” 

Neither you nor Lord Vader said anything in response. 

Filling the awkward silence and with a laugh and a sip of his drink, the king of the planet continued on speaking without an answer, much to your dismay. 

“Well, the both of you look lovely tonight! Especially our favorite mechanic here…” The blue-eyed man purred as he turned his gaze to lock on you. 

Great. This shit again. 

Forcing yourself to smile half-heartedly at the king, you mumbled out a soft thanks before letting your gaze fall to the floor, unable to hold any sort of eye contact with him. 

“Lord Vader, I do hope you do not mind, but I will be stealing your mechanic for a brief moment, yes?” The king asked, but his tone made it sound like a statement. 

What? 

No, I don’t want-

Before either you or Lord Vader could protest, the king took you by the hand and practically dragged you to the bar, supposedly so that the two of you could talk in a more secluded setting. Unable to form any words, all you could do was look over your shoulder to the sith lord you were trying to converse with. 

His fists were in balls again as he watched you be pulled away, unable to do a thing about it. 

“How are you tonight, my dear?” the king asked you as he leaned against the bar, making you snap your attention back to him as much as you hated to do so. 

“I, umm…” you said, trying your best to hide your conflicting emotions. You wanted to run back over to Lord Vader, hold on to him, and never ever let him go.

But you couldn’t. 

“I’m… I’m fine, your majesty.” You were eventually able to say. 

The king smirked grossly as he thrusted a glass of some sort of drink in your face, making you lean back slightly. 

“You seem tense, my dear. Here, have something to take the edge off.” 

“O-Oh, umm, thank you, your majesty, but I don’t… I’m not allowed to-”

“What? Not allowed to drink?” the king laughed, “To hell with the Empire’s rules, my sweet! Go ahead and have a drink, won’t you?” 

Every atom in your body screamed NO as you looked down at the glass and wrapped it in your hand. You knew you shouldn’t drink it’s contents, you knew you didn’t want drink its contents, but you were afraid. Afraid of what the blue-eyed man before you would do if you refused. Swallowing your pride, you drank the drink as quickly as you could without being rude. 

Since it had been so long since you had a drink, and you were never the type to hold your liquor well in the first place, you almost immediately felt a buzz. 

“Good?” The king asked, a glint of pleasure in his eye. 

You coughed slightly in the midst of your response, “Strong.” 

The king laughed almost too loud at your response as he leaned further over the bar, his gaze locked on you and filled with hunger. 

Disgusting. 

“My dear…” the king called to you, beckoning for you to pay attention to him, “Do you remember my little, er… request, from earlier?” 

I was trying to forget. 

“Yes, I do…” 

“Well,” the king said, “I want you to know that the offer still stands, my dear. I could give you a much better life here in my home than you would ever have in the Empire… You would have access to all the finest, erm… whatever you mechanics use.” 

Perhaps it was the alcohol talking for you, but you wanted more than ever to kick this man in the throat. You felt… anger, bubble up inside you. 

You tamped it down as you replied, “That’s… That’s very kind of you, your majesty but… my loyalties will always lie with the Empire.” 

This was a sort-of lie. You just thought it was the best thing to say to get this old man off your back. 

The king’s smug smile fell slightly at your response. “I see…” he said, “Well, my dear, I do have one more offer for you. If you are interested, of course.” 

You weren’t able to say anything before he continued. 

“You see, my son is a very… curious individual. Never the type to go out and find love himself. He believes that love will find him when he is ready for it.” the king laughed, “And you, my dear, are quite the lovely individual… serving the Empire for the rest of your life surely cannot be what you want. So, you are interested, I could introduce you to-” 

“No.” 

The king paused for a moment before laughing nervously and leaning closer to you. 

“What did you say?”

You turned to the king at your side, glaring daggers right into his blue eyes with a scowl on your face. 

“I said. No.” 

The king laughed loudly before speaking again, reaching out to touch your shoulder, “My dear, I think you forget yourself, I-”

You slapped his hand away before it could fall on your shoulder, a large scowl still spread across your features. 

You had no idea what had come over you. Maybe it was the alcohol talking. Maybe it was the tiredness creeping its way across your bones. Maybe it was your own annoyance, but you were done. Absolutely and completely done. At that moment, you couldn’t think. Hell, you felt like you could barely breathe.

Your anger had completely blinded you. 

“I know exactly who I am, your majesty.” you hissed out, your voice dripping with venom, “I am (F/N) (L/N). Mechanic of the Galactic Empire. The personal mechanic of Lord Vader. I will not be easily swayed and fooled by the likes of you. Never had I ever expected to come to this NOWHERE planet, and find the lowest of human beings within the walls of it's palace.” 

As your voice grew louder, you started to attract a few stares and whispers. You didn’t care in the slightest. 

“M-my dear, please quiet down-”

“NO!” You exclaimed, “I couldn’t give LESS of a FLYING FUCK of who here knows just how much of a lowlife and a creep you are. DON’T think that I haven’t noticed how you’ve looked at me this evening. I have a brain, you know.” 

Frowning down at the glass in your hand, you threw it to the ground where the king’s feet lie, watching as the shards scattered into a million pieces. 

“There’s your fucking glass back, your majesty.” you spat out, “Maybe you can shove it up your ass tonight instead of crying your sad self to sleep since you can’t get young women like me to fuck you.” 

Huffing and turning on your heel, you stomped your way over to the stairs and headed back into your room, not caring about the looks you got as your presence parted the sea of people around you. 

~~~

What exactly you had done only sank in when you were alone in your room, the door shut behind you. 

After a moment of replaying the past events in your head in silence, you felt your chest cave in as a sob racked through your body, forcing itself out behind your lips. Your tears were hot as they streamed down your face, and blurred your vision as you made your way to the balcony outside your room and sat down on the small, backless couch that adorned the space. You hugged your body tight as you let the tears flow down your face as you reflected on your actions. 

To say you were ashamed of your actions would be a lie. You were proud that you had stood up for yourself. You were proud that you took action instead of just dealing with that creep. 

What you were ashamed of, however, was the fact that you had unquestionably let him down. 

He had brought you here to be a representative of the Empire, a representative of him. And you had failed. You were such a sorry excuse of a representative. All you could do was barely hold eye contact and yell at your superiors. You were in no way representing him with that. All you had done was embarrass not only the Empire, but him. 

And you felt like such shit for it. Even if you couldn’t help yourself from doing what you did. 

You knew that no matter how many times you said that you were sorry, it wouldn’t help. It wouldn’t undo what you had done that night. It wouldn’t turn back the hands of time and wave a magic wand, making everything okay again. 

You had ruined it. You had ruined everything. 

All you could do was sob and sniffle as you sat there in the cool breeze of night, feeling so very and totally helpless. 

And that’s all you could do as you heard three noises. 

The door opening. 

The door closing. 

The sound of mechanical, rhythmic, soothing breath drawing closer and closer to you. 

You did nothing to address him as you continued to sob for a moment, eventually letting go of the grip you had around yourself. 

You quieted your sobs as you spoke, your voice wavering and hoarse from your sobs. 

“I-I understand if you’re here to kill me…” 

This was met by no vocal response. You closed your eyes as you braced yourself to hear the sound of his saber igniting, swinging, and the thud of your lifeless body hitting the floor. 

This never came. Instead, you were granted the sound of his boots clacking towards you and the feeling of his heavy body sit to your left side, making the cushions fold and the wood creak beneath him. Opening your watery eyes and glancing at him, sure enough, you saw his larger body seated next to you, the face of his mask pointed to the trees that lined the view of your balcony. 

“Tell me, (F/N)...” he spoke after a moment of silence only filled by the sounds of your sniffles, “What was your home like?” 

You took your eyes off him and wiped them as you shifted your view to the trees then to your hands in your lap, your fingers fidgeting as you spoke between sniffles. 

“I-It was a lot like here, actually…” you croaked out, “Everywhere there was some sort of tree or plant… and flowers more than anyone could count. We lived in small villages, and my home village was one of the larger ones. W-We made our homes out of recyclable materials and depended on the sea for food… Everyone was so nice. We all knew each other’s names and faces… My family was known for our restaurant… People would come in, a-and have a meal while me and my father fixed their things… that’s how I got so good at, you know, fixing things…” 

“... I see.” Lord Vader said, turning his gaze to you, “Your home sounds… beautiful.” 

You breathed out a chuckle as you glanced at him, feeling your tears fade away as you returned your gaze to your hands. 

“My L- Vader, I…” you said after a moment of silence of you trying to think of what to say, “I think I owe you an apology. I don’t know what came over me down there… I just felt so… angry. I was angry at that old man without even knowing that I really was that angry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you, I just…” 

You frowned again as you trailed off, unable to think of the proper words to say. This made you want to start crying again. 

After yet another pause of compilation, Lord Vader spoke again. 

“You do not need to apologize for your actions, (F/N).” he said, turning his gaze back to the trees, “I understand why you had to resort to such… measures. I am… I am proud of you, (F/N).” 

Your gaze fell upon the sith again as his words sunk in. The praise made your heart swell, making a big, goofy grin envelop your features for a moment before fading in to a warm, content smile. You thanked him without saying thank you. 

“What was…” you began, breaking the bout of silence once again, “What was your home like, my Lord?” 

It took him a moment to respond, making you think for a moment that you overstepped a boundary. You were about to say an apology before he rumbled out his response.

“It was…” he said in his deep, mechanical voice, the bass rumbling in your chest, “Good. So very good. I had a brother… I had a younger sister, too… and a… lover.” 

You picked your gaze up to look at him as he continued to stare out to the trees. You wondered if he was looking somewhere, or sometime, far, far away. 

“Where are they now?” you asked, your voice soft, patient even, telling him quietly to take his time. 

“They are… gone.” 

Your heart nearly broke in two at his words. You could tell by the aura around him and the pauses in the speech that he was hurting. Hurting to go back to that time and rewrite the ending that it had. 

You had never felt so connected to the sith lord sitting next to you.

Your heart aching, you gently reached out your hand to the sith, scooting closer to him to reach. 

You felt no fear as you gently rested your hand upon the cool, black leather of his own. Your touch was gentle but firm, and you hoped that it provided some semblance of comfort to the man at your side. 

“Hey…” you said softly, looking at him with calm, warm, understanding eyes. Continuing, you whispered, “I’m sure that wherever they are now… They all still love you. Unconditionally.” 

He looked down at your small hand upon his for a moment before meeting your gaze, his mask allowing no facial features to poke through. Looking into the eyes of the mask, you smiled oh so warmly as you tried your best to look past the metal and into his true, human eyes. Unconsciously, you had started to rub his hand tenderly, trying your best to comfort him in any way you could.

Simply looking at you a moment, he did nothing but bathe in the warmth you offered him, a stark contrast from the cold that he felt almost every moment of every day. Looking into your eyes, he realized two things that he never thought would ever be brought to him. 

One, he never wanted your warmth to go from his life. 

Two, he believed what you had just said to him. 

“(F/N)...” he spoke as he raised his free hand, his body turning so that he could reach you better. Slowly and almost hesitantly, he reached his hand to your head. As gently as he could, he brushed a lock of your hair out of your face, allowing him to see a clearer image of the beautiful creature before him, smiling at him. 

Your heart had ever felt happier. 

Without warning, the muffled music emanating from the room below the pair of you changed from a party-like tune to a slower tune. A slow, melodic dance song now filled your ears, signalling a change in the mood between the pair of you. 

“(F/N)...” he echoed, pointing his mask down to look at the small hand of yours that was still resting upon his. Slowly turning his hand over, he laced his large fingers in between your much smaller ones, almost as if he was scared to harm you. 

You would never, not for as long as you lived, forget the words he spoke to you right then. 

“Would you… May I have this dance?” 

You breathed out a small, quick laugh of pure joy as you continued to look at him, your mind filled with absolutely nothing. You don’t think you had ever felt happier. 

“Yes, you may.” 

With your words of approval, Lord Vader stood up and gently guided you to do so as well, his hand still intertwined with yours. Leading you back inside the room, he paused when the two of you came across a big enough clearing of space, you following as such. As if you were made of glass, he snaked his big, strong arm around your waist, holding you close to his large body. You draped your arm across the back of his own that was around your waist, loosely gripping onto his surprisingly soft cape. Making sure that you were comfortable, he slowly started to sway in time to the music with you, all the while refusing to let go of your hand. Feeling so relaxed, you dipped your head down and rested it on his chest just above the panel of buttons on his stomach, a small smile on your features as you could hear the faint beat of his heart beneath the layers of metal and leather.

You had never felt safer and more grounded than in that moment. Your mind was blank, filled only with the warm buzz of peace and joy. Feeling so relaxed, you had even allowed yourself to close your eyes as you continued to move in time with him, as if both of your souls were perfectly in sync.

For one fleeting moment, neither of you worried about the Empire. 

Nor the rebellion.

Nor of the remaining jedi.

Nor of the Emperor.

Nor of maintaining proper conduct.

Nor following rules. 

Nor of fixing broken TIEs.

Nor of carrying out duty. 

The only thing that existed in that moment, was the two of you.

~~~

TAGS: @spaghetti-666 , @soullesstaco , @arsonistvoyager , @robin-obsessed , @glitter-rian , @captainrexstan , @easterncryptid , @deviatedwinter​ , @roseangel013bf , @danicalifxrnia , @dartheldur​ , @finest-trashbag , @yeah-boiiiiiiiiiii​ , @elongatedmusk-rat​

[akvtsuki-ari]

Downers

Warnings: smut, fingering, penetration, oral (both recieving),(( reader swallows lol)), alchohol 

Length: 4.7k 

Authors Note: idk how to explain the context of this fic kjshjek but before you read i highly reccomend listening to the song this fic is based on!! normally it doesn’ matter either way but it’s directly apart of the fic!! the song is Downers by Greentea Peng 

Summary: Spencer comes back from a one-night stand with insomnia he can’t shake. The hotel bar is welcome company, and the singer there seems to catch all his attention

Spencer couldn't remember her name.

Here he was in her hotel room, mouth on her neck, hands on her skin - whispering to her how beautiful she was and he just couldn't remember her name. He doesn't even know if he asked - he can't remember that much of their interactions since there interaction in the bar. Her dress was pretty, so Spencer went up to her. She was alone - she needed the company, her and her boyfriend were taking a break he thinks. She told him that she liked his tie, and his hair and he smiled and dazzled her, made a stupid magic joke and manage to get her back here

Spencer was good at this now, he knew how to get here everytime. It wasn't difficult after you get the hang of it. It was profiling after all, something he realized when this all started so many months ago. It's funny to try and recall a time before this - Spencer was always the butt of the joke because he used to tell himself he couldn't do one night stands. He wasn't wrong, either - at first he would just get too attached but things stopped mattering. Slowly but surely all the pieces fell away and he just started needing easy company, shed his skin of his job and make sure he made someone else feel good.

He was never really hedonistic but he figures things change right? When he fucks another girl whose name he doesn't remember, he's not keeping score - just trying to focus on making her feel good and the way it feels when he orgasms. He's chasing that feeling of high - even if it's temporary it makes him feel something and that's enough. Life is about more than chasing pleasure in the long run but this was now, and the feeling of the girl whose name he can't remember wrapping her mouth along the tip of his dick was enough. For now this feeling was enough, bucking his hips into her throat and making sure she gets off. He was an asshole but he wasn't a selfish one.

"Shit, I'm gonna cum," She annouces. Spencer nods in approval, pressing his forehead against hers as she finishes. She moans Spencers name aloud and Spencer wants to ignore it but he can't. Spencer cums soon after that, pulling out of the unnamed women beneath him

"Jesus," she breathes out heavy. Spencer laughs before looking at her.

"I'm gonna go take a shower," she says to him softly, "feel free to join me," she winks. Spencer just gives her a smile as she slinks away into the bathroom.

Spencer knew the drill. He didn't leave a note, he didn't ask her name because he wasn't planning on seeing her again. He sits a few minutes, redressing quietly and leaving quieter. He used to flinch when he shut the door but the hotel hallway was familiar to him now. Making eye contact with cleaning women and janitors who gave him what felt like knowing stares. Spencer was used to it, all of it - even if it was difficult.

Spencer doesn't feel like a slut. He probably should, but he doesn't really feel anything. He's doing the walk of shame, leaving her hotel room in the middle of the night and he just sorta.. doesn't care.

He wishes he did, but there's no time for that now. He checks the watch on his wrist, the time reading 1am and as if on cue, he yawns. His eyes are sleepy and he's rather exhausted, and he finds himself heading back to his own hotel in a tired daze

__

When Spencer returns to his hotel - he really can't sleep. He tries, laid in bed, tossing and turning for hours but it wasn't coming to him. They were supposed to be leaving the day after tomorrow, closed in by the weather that wouldn't let the jet take off so he was stuck there. He wanted nothing more than to get some rest, but it was fruitless. Spencer looks over at the pamphlet he picked up from downstairs - looking at all the different things that the hotel had going on. It says there's a live, late-night singer at the bar in the hotel. Y/N Y/L/N. He sighs, rubbing his face with his hands before standing up and putting back on his normal clothes. A live show and a drink might not be so bad, and maybe there's something (or really someone,) for Spencer to do.

He walks down at 3am, it'd only been an hour since he got back and it was still dark out. Everything was still as he walked into the hallway and elevator. every sound felt louder and more distinct. There wasn't a soul out there other than staff who was forced to work earlier shifts and other people doing the same walk of shame he was doing earlier. He can't bring himself to look at them, but Spencer was certainly understanding of them.

He manages to make it to the hotel bar, which was surprisingly nice - he has to admit. Lowlights and candelabras all over the place add to the ambiance, the ceiling mirrored as he looks to all the patrons in the bar. Mostly older men, drinking whiskey alone as typical as it was. There were some women that caught his eyes, but he's not ready to tango with someone like that so he orders a drink at the bar. He likes scotch on the rocks, but he's not really one to drink it often. One can't hurt, he doesn't think. The odd sense of isolation while being in a public place and the alcohol in his system might make him more tired faster. He doesn't want another one-night stand but that loneliness hits quickly, and his original plans may fall through.

He waits it out, sitting down at a chair near the small platform that served as a stage. He watches as on older gentleman picks the mic up, announcing that name he read earlier. Y/N Y/L/N.

He sees a woman walk up onto the stage, so beautiful he coughs on his scotch. A man across the ways looks to Spencer and laughs, nodding in understanding.

"Wait till you hear her voice," He says quietly. Spencer just nods, eyes fixated on the way you move. You look classic, hair let loose wearing a sequin dress. You weren't too flashy, but you definitely managed to catch everyone's attention. You had a jaded expression, eyes flashing up to the crowd softly. You look directly towards Spencer and give him a knowing smile. He was new, you'd never seen him here before.

"How's everyone doing tonight, hm? Can't be too well if you're here seeing me at 4am, but still good I hope," you say chuckling. It lightens the somewhat somber energy that seems to swallow the place up as the bar regulars and other lonely folks of the night all watch you. You laugh softly into the microphone.

"Anyone have any requests for me, or am I free to sing what I'd like?," you ask the small audience. Everyone gives encouraging whoops at the second option and you give that same lighthearted giggle that Spencers heart aches for. You were unbelivably beautiful, the light catching the highlights of your face as you look at everyone smoothly. You tuck some hair behind your ears as you look to the small band.

"Let's do the song I was practicing upstairs earlier," you call to them. They all nod their heads at you, as you clear your throat and take a sip of water.

"This song is called Downers, by Greentea Peng," you say softly. You start humming along with the music before you start to sing the lyrics and christ -

"I can't smell the flowers / felt empty now for hours / lost my powers / I can't smell the flowers / I'm sick of all these towers / think I done too many Downers," You sing the first verse with ease. Spencer's ears are so attuned to the music he can barely drink his scotch. Your voice is melodic, it flows out with no problem and soothes Spencer so much he feels like he could pass out right there. His eyes look to your expression, eyes closed as you smile at the self-aware lyrics of the song. Your body language is so comfortable with the words, he imagines the song is personal to you in some way.

"hard to see the value in these half-hearted encounters / can't deal with the truth so we just change the world around us / to feel and smell just like we want it to / fuck what we're meant to do / can't hang round be no fool / wasting time just getting high / getting high / to get by / clear my mind clear blue skies / all this time I've been flying from up here," You sing the runs with easy, your voice syncing perfectly with the music being played. Spencer's eyes don't leave you for even a second as he watches you sink in and become part of the music. Your shoulders fall, as you tap along the rhythm of the song before singing the chorus again, then delving into the second verse.

The first verse weighs on Spencer's mind as you continue onto the second and third verse. The lyrics of the song are as fitting to him as possible. It feels too relevant for Spencer to forget about it but he tries as you continue your performance, mixing modern radio ballads with older classics. Your voice is like medicine to Spencer's exhaustion, he wants to relax in the sound forever and his head's so fixated on you - he knows he needs to talk to you. To get to know you, something if anything. He doesn't remember the last time he's felt this strong towards someone but he'd be damned if he didn't chase it.

When you finish your performance, you collect tips from all the bar patrons and wish everybody a kind morning. Spencer didn't realize that another full hour had passed and he sees walking towards the bar so, in the least creepy way he can, he stands to follow you. You order a club soda and sit on the bench, where Spencer takes a seat next to you. You roll your eyes, but you'd be lying if you said he wasn't attractive to you. You turn your body to face him and he shoots you smile in return.

"You're not one for subtlety are you?," you say softly as the bartender hands you your drink. You take a sip, feeling the cool relief on your worn throat. Spencer laughs, looking at the floor before looking back up at you.

"For a woman as beautiful as you? Can't say I am, no," Spencer says lightly. You roll your eyes but you're smiling into your drink as you do.

"What about flattery?," you ask again. Spencer chews the corner of his lips as his eyes grace your body, noticing the way your skin shows around the shoulders of your dress. He laughs.

"That one I can manage," Spencer's voice is a murmur. You put your drink down and readjust how you sit, looking at Spencer's face. You can see right through him, really. You can with most men, but especially someone who does what you used to do. You want to laugh at him and say theres no need for the formality but it isn't for the two of you. It's for the people in the bar who count the seconds before you two walk away together. You were going to fuck him, you knew that the second he sat so close during your performance but the rest of the bar didn't so the formal talk and idle chat is for them.

"I don't really do this very often -" Spencer starts. You roll your eyes, cutting him off mid-sentence.

"You're not a good liar, you know that?," you say softly. Spencer is startled but intrigued by your observation. He looks to you for an explanation and you just shrug at him. He looks into your eyes and it's like you see past him. He falters for a few seconds.

"Old habits die hard," you start first "picking up on when someones lying to sleep with me just happens to be one," you say, chuckling. You're not upset or sarcastic, simply laughing at the situation and reminiscing. Spencer shifts uncomfortably for a second, not really used to someone being able to see through him so quickly.

"I should be clear that I'd still like to sleep with you," you say, blinking through your lashes. Spencer nearly chokes when he hears, a blush forming on his face. It was becoming clear that you were gonna lead the way on this one.

"But don't be dishonest, it's boring - you yourself are probably more interesting than what you tell other people," you say thoughtfully. Spencers befuddled at how you just seem to know but you shake your head.

"I've made my rounds, men and women," you say casually. Spencer feels like he's dying at your confession but can't help himself - finding it beyond attractive that you managed both.

"What do you wanna know?" Spencer asks relaxed. You give him a small smile.

"What's your name? What do you do? Whats your star sign? The usual," you say jokingly. Spencer can't help but laugh, genuinely laugh.

"My names Dr. Spencer Reid, I work for the FBI for the Behavioral Analysis Unit, and I'm told I'm a Scorpio," Spencer says, smiling. Penelope told him that forever ago though he hasn't thought about since then. You give him a grin.

"An FBI agent ? You must be here for all the murders they had in downtown, huh?," you ask curiously. He looks suprised but how in touch you are.

"I keep up with the news," you say casually. Spencer keeps learning about you and his attraction to you only increased. He nods, telling you you're right and you mentally high-five yourself.

"What do you wanna ask me?," you say, perching your lips out. Spencer looks at them before his eyes flick up at your eyes

"What else do you? Other than sing, I mean,"

You tilt your head in though for a second, before shrugging.

"For work? I make most of my money singing, anyways. I studied other stuff in college, but music is what I love to do and I make decent money off of working different celebrations. This bar gave me my first gig so I'm always here. Other than that, I volunteer at local stuff - gotta keep in touch you know?," you softly. Spencer looks at your expression with an adoration he can't explain. He finds himself speaking before he can think too much about it.

"I haven't been looked into like that before," Spencer blurts out. You chuckle.

"You said you do behavioral analysis, right?," you asks. Spencer nods.

"Trying to get someone to fuck you is esentially the same. You watch them and try to appeal to their situations so you get your result. You're a hunter, all the same. Sometimes it's killers and sometimes it's an attractive woman whose married but doesn't have her ring on - it's a mindgame," you say carefully. Spencer knows you're right but the way you say it so bluntly makes him feel a way. It's the first time a woman has made him this uncomfortable and in a fucked up way he's happy about it. It sounds cocky, but the challenge is attractive to Spencer. You weren't trying to isolate yourself from other women, instead just making a general commentary on human beings. You were intelligent.

"How could you tell?,"

"You're too well practiced with expression and stuff. Too much attention to detail," you reply.

"You're entitled to whatever but be careful with yourself," you warn. Spencer just listens.

"Full disclosure, I studied criminology in college - so I'm familiar with your work," you say a little shy, Spencer raises his brows and assures it's fine before you continue.

"You do what you do at work because it catches them. You can hold onto a happy ending and that's important," you say softly "But, sleeping around is a personal cause with no heroes you know? The loneliness will always come back, and those mind games you play just to get rid of it will start to fracture you," you say thoughtfully. Spencer feels some tears prick at his eyes but he covers them before he looks at you.

"I don't sleep around much anymore, but when I do - I can't promise I'll leave my name and number. Old habits, you know? But I see myself in you, the way you move is something I definitely recall," you say laughing. Spencer feels so damn weird - confused as to how you're so perceptive.

"Sorry to read you like that, I just like you. You're interesting," you say, cute as ever. Spencer is unbelievably attracted to you.

"I'm a little speechless," Spencer says laughing.

"Sorry?,"

"Don't be, but you feel like a sign to me," Spencer says softly.

"The woman I.. you know - earlier, I don't even remember her name," Spencer admits a little sadly. You shake your head, reaching out to grab his hand to provide him some comfort. He finds himself holding on.

"You learn to face the loneliness, and sometimes it makes cool stuff like this happen," you say giggling.

"I wanna remember your name," Spencer admits. You give him a small smile.

"Even after I just came for you and this is only our first meeting?"

"Especially because of that,"

You laugh aloud and Spencer notes how lovely the sound is. You look at him, before taking another sip of your drink. You stand tall, patting down your skirt before walking away, Spencer stars dumbfounded for a few seconds before he hears your voice.

"You coming?" You ask. Spencer couldn't manage to bolt faster. _____

"Can I kiss you?," Is the first question Spencer asks you when you end up in your hotel room. You laugh, looking into his eyes as the two of you stand in front of the hotel door. You put your hands on Spencer's waist, making your way up to his chest.

"It's all I've been thinking about for the last few hours so," you say softly. Spencer grins at you, leaning his head down before placing his lips on yours, slowly parting them to catch a little bit more of you. Its slow at first but only then, slowly the speed of each kiss inbetween picks up. Spencer's tongue nips yours, hands running your sides as he touches you hesitant. The whole gesture is hesitant still, though the heat is coming close to just being too much. You use your teeth gently to hitch Spencer's bottom lip and the gestures welcomed.

You pull away from Spencer to look at him, looking into his eyes with an affectionate need.

"Hey, Spencer?,"

"Yes?,"

"If you don't fuck the shit out of me, I don't think I'll ever forgive you,"

Spencer grins, before you give him a shy smile. Spencer kisses you again, the two of you moving to the bed soon after. Spencer sits on the edge of the bed, while you straddle him. Spencer's hands grip your backside. You let out a noise of suprise but Spencer just smiles, leaning his face into your neck. His teeth graze your neck, placing small kisses on patches of it as you tilt it up to give him more room. He nips at the area, sucking small hickies into it. His fingers work their way to the zipper of your dress as you lean into him, your hands on the side of his face.

Your dress falls off your shoulders, as you move back to take it off. Spencer's eyes watch you as you move out of it - throat dry as he sees that you're not wearing a bra. Your nipples come to attention at the cool air in the room and Spencer's hands move to touch you before he can think about it. He brushes them carefully, back and forth sending pleasure shooting through you rather unexpected. You managed to sit on Spencer's lap again before he continues but you whine with displeasure.

His eyes flick to you with curiosity but you don't have to explain much, simply undoing his belt, urging him to unbutton his shirt by tugging at it. He can't help his laughter as he looks at you adoringly.

"Impatient," he reminds you. You give him that same innocent look from before you as you nod at him.

"For you? Always," you reply back. Spencer leans in to kiss you again before he lets you sit in the bed, watching him undress as he did for you only moments ago. You drink in the sight of his skin, the way his hard-on sits in his boxers, standing to attention. You can't stop looking at it, the feeling of lust creeping at your throat.

"Spencer, lay down," you urge softly. He gives you a look of question but does as told, walking to the other side of the bed and laying down as he's told. He catches wind of your plan soon after, watching you take your panties off and revealing arousal that's managed to slide down your thighs. His throat catches but his silent request is soon fulfilled as you place for knees on either side of Spencer's head and settle yourself over his tongue. Spencer's hands grip your thighs as he places a few soft kisses on them, before arching his neck to meet your clit with his tongue. He's patient, flattening his tongue against your clit before motioning it back and forth. The feeling is so sudden, pleasure ripping through you as you use your hips to grind onto to Spencer's tongue.

You lean down over Spencer's cock, spitting onto the head before your mouth wraps around the tip. You use your hands to steady yourself before you bob your head, hollowing your cheeks out which makes Spencer choke. He had figured you'd both be good in bed but it's starting to be clear that it was a lot more than that.

Spencer feels good - so fucking good because he was just so attracted to you and the feeling of your mouth around his dick was working him. Your thighs moved so confidently to grind onto his tongue, using his face for your pleasure while returning the favor, you were more than good. Spencer feels you in his chest, twitching in your mouth when his mind feels with all the possibilities of what else he could do. It wasn't enough to taste you - he would keep seeking out your pleasure until the thought of him never left your mind.

This position was really just a competition to see who could make the other unravel fastest. The feeling of satisfaction he recieved when he feels you pulsate around his tongue is unmatched - the sound of tone throat gagging as you moan out some version his name, cumming all over his face but not stopping your hips. Spencer can taste you everywhere and you taste as good as you look. He's unsure of how you've managed that but he's pleased. You ride your high before you life yourself off of his face, switching yourself to be positioned over his dick. You're more than ready to do that but Spencer's stops you, looking into your eyes as he sits up. You sit between his legs but he moves you up - positioning you to expose yourself too him. Easy access.

Spencer pushes his two middle fingers between your lips, which part for Spencer easily. Your tongue wraps around them, sucking them obediently and Spencer smiles at you. He pulls them out for you, sliding his thumb along your clit before slipping his fingers inside of you, curling them up inside of you. You lean, gripping onto Spencer's shoulder letting out whimpers next to his ear. He brushes against your gspot with ease, padding against it with rhythm. The feeling makes your legs shake, Spencer already close to bringing you to orgasm and despite his somewhat aching wrist makes sure the speed is consistent.

"Spencer, please - oh my god please," this is the first time you've addressed Spencer directly and it makes Spencer's whole body ache to fuck you.

"You're beautiful," Spencer breathes out. You pull away from his shoulders and put your hands on the side of his face, kissing him intensely as you looked into his expression. You're quick to cum a second time , convulsing around his hands a second time as you hold onto his back, fingernails digging in his skin as your whole body lights up in fireworks. Moans pour from your throat as you finish, riding out your high as Spencer slows

"Spencer," your voice is unsteady as you call out to him. He hums in response and you look at him, making eye contact.

"Would you like to go on a date sometime?," you breathe out. Spencer can't help the little giggles he lets out before nodding, kissing you softly.

"Seems like you've beat me to asking," Spencer says. You kiss Spencer once more, softly and slowly before smiling in his shoulder.

"Mm, fuck me," you say giggling. Spencer laughs before he repositions himself to penetrate you, pulling out a condom from the drawer and rolling it down his erection. He lines himself with your entrance, slowly but surely watching you sink down on his cock. He chokes as he feels you around him - tight and warm and wet, taking him so well. Spencer stretches you out better than you were expecting - a burning ache as Spencer pushes towards your cervix. He's buried in you, fingers holding you up for a second.

Spencer holds you up before laying you down, hands pinning yours above your head before pulling his hips back and pounding into you. Spencer voice groans out in your ear, his orgasm drawing him closer and closer to the edge.

You use your fingers to run out one final orgasm, convulsing around Spencer which makes his whole body ache.

"I'm gonna cum," Spencer announces.

"Cum in my mouth?," you offer Spencer. He groans aloud, pulling out and sliding the condom off before positioning himself over your face. You adjust yourself by lifting yourself up on your elbows, allowing Spencer to ease into the back of your throat. Spencer lets go as soon as he does, finish in your mouth where you swallow immediately, eyes glassy as you look up at Spencer. You give him a smile, opening your mouth to show that it's all swallow, before laying back down again exhausted.

"Jesus Christ, Spencer" you say softly. He gives you a small smile.

"You should get some rest," Spencer says softly. You roll your eyes, sitting back up before leaning your head on Spencer's shoulder.

"Mm if I did that, would you be here when I woke up? Nice try, lover boy," you say. Spencer laughs, voice soft as the sun starts to rise outside.

"I'm gonna shower, and since neither of us are sleeping - you can take me to breakfast," you say, standing up and giving Spencer a kiss atop his head.

"Disappear on me and I'll book a ticket all the way to Quantico and embarrass you infront of your whole team," you say jokingly. Spencer hugs your waist as you stand and you can't help the way it melts you.

"Wouldn't dream of it," Spencer replies back. You use your hands to make him look st you and smile at him.

"Good. I'd invite you to come shower with me but I'm gonna guess you need clothes so - meet me downstairs in the lobby in like 30 mins," you instruct. Spencer just nods.

"I need your number," Spencer asks. You look into the drawer and lean down, writing your number on his chest. He looks down at it and smiles. He can see himself in the mirror, noticing you wrote it backwards so he could see it. God, Spencer is into you.

"I'm sure it'll wash off," you say smiling. Spencer rolls his eyes, the hickies you managed to bite into his skin making irony very clear. You give him a cheeky look and he can't help but laugh.

"Y/N," Spencer says to himself. You look at him confused and he just shakes his head.

"You're too fascinating to forget," Spencer says smiling. You can't help but grin, leaning down to kiss him.

"So are you, Dr. Spencer Reid,"

____

taglist: @cynbx​ @zephyr-studiesjp​ @skrrrrrrrrrrt​ @reid-187​ @louistwinslover​ @pastanest​ @nomajdetective​ @iamburdened​

[nobody-wants-ice-cream]

Everything Wrong With The Umbrella Academy. Episode 1, We Only See Each Other At Weddings and Funerals.

Some context before the cut: This is all in good fun! I wanted to do a really nitpicky re-watch of the series and found some really cool and interesting things I didn’t notice before. This is meant to have a Cinema Sins-esque tone. However, I did take off a lot more sins than Cinema Sins would have because I do genuinely like the series and the people that made it possible. So all of the good things got one sin off and all the bad things got one sin added. This is a really long post, so grab some popcorn. If there’s anything that I missed, feel free to add it!

We Only See Each Other At Weddings And Funerals

The story opens with a random scene. I know why this is important now, but for a first time viewer this is a strange Russian show with no subtitles. Sin for the fact that this opening scene could drive away audiences when they could have opened with Pogo’s monologue or the sudden birth scene. +1

Sudden birth. I know that this is what starts the whole series, but not once do these assholes discuss the implications of sudden birth. That shit is traumatic and must have induced a lot of trauma in the mothers. Sinning for trauma. +1

The russian ladies all help this poor girl. Teamwork and togetherness gets a sin off. -1

How did they get her swimsuit off enough for her to give birth without just taking the whole thing off? Did one woman happen to have a pair of scissors on her so they could cut the crotch? Because one piece suits are not that flexible downstairs. They didn’t take it off her, it’s still covering her. Sinning for lack of realism or explanation. +1

This narration should have happened much sooner. +1

Buying children. Literally buying children. And he gets seven so he buys them wholesale. Seven sins because Sir Reginald Hargreeves is a dick that bought seven children. +7

One sin off for the soundtrack now. All the songs used in this show are bops! -1

Ellen Page starts playing the Lindsey Stirling Phantom of the Opera piece on the lowest string when the piece starts on a high note. One sin for lack of musicality. +1

Minus one sin for Ellen Page’s vibrato. Not many people pretending to play the violin get that so accurate. That or this was the talented body double. Either way one sin off for musicality. -1

“Please send more food” Reginald Hargreeves is a dick to his adopted children. He didn’t feed Luther enough, so who knows what he did to the ones he didn’t like as much. +7

Also, Luther has presumably spent four years in this base on the moon. Did he hit his head every morning? You would think that he would learn to duck. +1

One sin off for the moon plant. -1

I’m taking 10 sins off for the special effects of this entire series. -10

That car transition between Diego’s and Allison’s entrances was out of place. I know it’s meant to show that Allison is far away from the action. But did we really need that? It’s not shown when transitioning from the red carpet to Klaus in rehab. +1

What is keeping the lawnchair that Luther has on the moon down? It looks lightweight. Does he have it nailed to the moon? Is there now a lawnchair on the moon forever? +1

Tom Hopper is an excellent actor. He nailed the “just got the news that my father is dead” without saying a single word. -1

Diego doesn’t bother to untie the family he saves. He caused property damage and severely injured the thugs that broke in. No wonder Patch has a problem with him being a vigilante. +1

“Allison, will you wear Valentino to the funeral” +1

One sin off because Robert Sheehan has already won my heart as Klaus and he hasn’t said a single word yet. And for the little jig he does when he gets the drugs. Interesting choice, but I like it. I could be biased because I’ve watched the series already, but I don’t care. One sin off for Robert Sheehan. -1

Why was Vanya allowed to be playing to this empty theatre with spotlights on her? Does she have an arrangement with maintenance? Is that why the orchestra isn’t set up? +1

One sin off for the Hargreeves mansion. The set designers did an amazing job.-1 

Creepy shrine portrait of Five is creepy and somehow manages to not look like Aidan Gallager. This could be a stylistic choice to show that Reggie didn’t care about Five, in which case, another sin for child abuse. +1 

Creepy statue of Ben is creepy. And it doesn’t look like Justin Min or Ethan Hwang. Who is this statue honoring? +1

It has been stated that Ben’s death broke up the academy. Yet, the other four assholes stuck around for one more portrait after his death? +1

Vanya doesn’t close the doors behind her when she walks into the mansion. +1

Diego’s outfit is central to introducing his character. However, it is dumb as hell and he probably stabbed himself with the knives in the harness multiple times. Especially the ones on his back. +1

Diego is a dick to Vanya at their father's funeral. I know Reggie was a jackass, but Jesus Christ, Diego. Have some tact. I know this is meant to show that Diego doesn’t have any tact, but this is such a severe line. +1

In the first shot of Reggie’s bedroom there are 6 freaking lamps. What is he, Bella Swan? And later, there are three more. +1

David Castaneda really brings Diego to life with his interaction with Luther in Reggie's bedroom. -1

I know I already took sins off for the special effects, but Pogo deserves another two off. Special Effects team, you did good. -2

“How long has it been since Five dissapered” is the most obvious bit of exposition/foreshadowing. To the point where it reads lazy. Another option would be Vanya asking “How long has it been since” and trailing off from there. Pogo knows what happened. This is a crucial reveal, let the audience wait for it a bit. +1

One sin off for Vanya being a good sister to Five. Fluffernutter sandwiches and leaving the lights on is heartwarming.  -1

Props to these child actors for being able to portray the way Reggie treats them and how that affects their emotions in the scene where they wanted to say goodnight to Reggie. -1

However, Reginald Hargreeves is a dick to his adopted children. I will keep sinning this. +7 

After Reggie shuns and ignores his children, Luther’s hand on Ben’s shoulder is a subtle way to show that Luther and Ben were sort of close, which is what an excerpt from Vanya’s book implies in the comics. Good job directors or actors for making that choice! -1

Robert Sheehan in the office scene. This is where we meet Klaus as an audience for the first time with dialogue, and he fucking nails it.  -1

“Thank God he’s not our real father so we couldn’t inherit those cold dead eyes! Ahh! Number Threee-” The delivery on that line is excellent. -1

Klaus’s dangly necklace that looks kind of like dog tags foreshadowing the real dog tags he wears later on in the show. -1

No way in hell Klaus’s skimpy outfit provided enough concealment for that massive box. In fact, in the shots we do see of his back, we should have seen the outline of the box. +1

Sir Reginald Hargreeves is as obsessed with lamps as he is with collecting children. His office is full of them! +1

“Do you think he wears that thing in the bathroom” “Like in the shower” “Yes, absolutely” Allison and Luther have some good interactions. This is where they really act like siblings making fun of another sibling. -1

A woman who told bedtime stories to her kid about her uncle on the moon forgets that said uncle has been on the moon and judges him when he doesn’t know about her divorce.+1 

“Rumor thing” Way to be specific, Luther. +1

Allison’s expression at the family meeting when she takes a sip of her drink. Emmy Raver-Lampman is what makes this character likeable. -1

Reginald Hargreeves was a dick to his children. The whole favorite spot thing? Yeah that. Golden child abuse victim. +7

Sir Reginald playing tennis with Hitler line. -1

Luther accuses his siblings of killing their father. Have some tact man, not at the funeral. This makes sense for the character and his circumstances, but I am still sinning it because Luther doesn’t think he did anything wrong. +1

I feel kind of bad for Luther after his siblings leave the room. Great acting on Tom Hopper’s part. -1

How did Allison get into the bank? +1

Luther straight up throws this man out of a building! That guy is 100% dead. And then he admonishes Five for being a killer later! +1

“Guns are for sissies, real men throw knives!” is a line that would only be spoken by a twelve year old that has never faced the judgement of people he isn’t related to. Also, Diego practiced this line in front of a mirror. +1

But that throw was badass, so... -1

Also, how did Klaus, Diego, Five, and Ben get into the bank as well? We only see Luther enter. And presumably Five teleported in. So were the rest already in there? +1

Five manages to jump faster than a bullet here, but in episode two he’s a lot slower when jumping from one side of the table to the other. You could make the argument that the table is in the way, but there was a human being and a bullet in the way here. +1

“Woah! That’s one badass stapler!” This is the first sin off because Aidan Gallagher can act, and it will not be the last. For all his grumpy 58 year old man, he also manages to shine while playing a young version of said grumpy 58 year old man. You would think that one or the other would be a little weak, but no he nails both performances. -1

But, how did Five switch the gun and the stapler? And why do we never see him do this again with more useful items like a briefcase or one of the machine guns used by the local commission hires? Can he only switch items with a similar mass? How does this power work? +1

Luther is the one that tells Ben that there's more guys in the vault to kill. Not Klaus who could have been like “a ghost said there's more guys in the vault”. What exactly did Klaus do on missions? He isn’t shown helping the hostages or fighting in any way. +1

“I didn’t sign up for this.” yeah Ben, like it’s a summer camp and not your abusive father buying you as an infant and then forcing you to kill people. +1

Kenny’s mom appearance. Also, the woman mixes leopard print leggings, a black dress, a square pattern cardigan, and a hat with stripes and a pom-pom. +1

“Can we go home now” Ethan Hwang had great delivery on that line. -1

Sir Reginald Hargreeves is a dick to his children. He forces 6 of them to kill, and then makes it seem like it’s all fun and games to the one he isolates. +7

When did they get coats and scarves? Did Reggie bring them coats and scarves while coming down to address the crowd? +1

Also, Reggie was on the roof of a different building with vanya! What did the kids do while they were waiting for him? Stand around and look pretty? Not likely, Ben was covered in blood. +1

Also, when did Ben have time to clean up? He is significantly less bloody in the scene where Reggie talks to the press. Yet his mask, uniform, and a bit of his jaw still have blood. This suggests he had time to wipe down. What kind of magic wipes are these that soak up and remove blood quickly and where can I get them? +1

The way the children wear their scarves show their personality. Luther has it done properly, Diego has his flapping around, Allison and Klaus have tied it fashionably, Five has it done well, but not as proper, and Ben has it done like Luthers. Well done costume people or actors who made that character choice. -1

The entire scene when Klaus attempts to summon Reggie from the afterlife. -4

I forgot that Klaus actually calls him Reggie in this scene. I thought it was just a fandom thing lmao. -1

How did Klaus clean up the ashes without leaving evidence on the bar? Did he vacuum it? +1

The cutesy fighting posters are a great set design choice. -1

Allison had her trauma tattoo refreshed at some point. It’s faded on Klaus, but on her it’s perfectly visible and stark. I’m sinning because they don’t show or tell why Allison might want to do this. +1

Also, that guitar Klaus was cuddling in a later scene, was just in the kitchen for some reason. Why? +1

Five and Ben are not part of the I Think We’re Alone Now dance party. I know it’s for plot, but come on! They don’t even have another dance party later to make up for this. +1

Diego and Vanya totally saw each other when Diego went to close the door between the foyer and the living area. +1

Luther and Vanya’s dance moves. No hate on either though because I dance like them if it isn’t swing or any other partnered dance +1

Diego, Klaus, and Allison’s dance moves. -1

Also, the song is heard all the way in the kitchen. There is no soundproofing in this mansion. +1

Luther punching down the airplane is funny. -1

David Castaneda doing those amazing dance moves in character. -1

Oh hello Five. Nice of you to show up and kickstart the plot into being something other than washed up superheroes are really sad and abused. +1

“Daddy!” -1

Why were Five’s powers affecting random objects? +1

Klaus is the only one with self preservation. “I vote for running” +1

“Does anyone else see little Number Five, or is that just me” is a great line because Klaus can see the dead. However, the dead don’t show up in massive portals, otherwise something like that would have happened when we see Dave in The Day That Wasn’t. +1

Five asks for an exact date and then Vanya gives him “the 24th” real specific, Vanya +1 

Five doesn’t close the fridge properly because that doesn’t matter in the apocalypse -1

“In the end I had to project my consciousness forward into a suspended quantum state version of myself that exists across every possible instance of time” “That makes no sense” “well it would if you were smarter” the mark of someone being smart is being able to explain concepts like this in layman's terms. If Five were as smart as he said he was, then he could have been able to come up with an analogy. That or the showmakers have no clue what they’re talking about and wrote a bunch of science-y bullshit to make Five sound smart. +1

Diego was ready to throw hands with Five, someone who looks thirteen and was thirteen until Five explained otherwise. +1

“Dolores kept saying the equations were off” so in other words, Five knew that his equations were off, but he still risked it. +1

But also, Five knew his equations were off, but he was so desperate to see his family that he risked it anyway. -1

Nations Gazette paper has articles that look like they’re actually about the headline. -1

“What part of the future do you not understand.” -1

Aidan Gallagher’s delivery in that scene really set the tone for his character. Impressive. -1

Five decides to dress in the full on school boy getup. Complete with the tie and the blazer when those items aren’t necessary. +1

Aidan Gallagher and Ellen Page are two kick ass actors. They play off each other surprisingly well. -1

“You mean like what happened to Ben” “Was it bad?” What happened to Ben? This remains a sin until they explain it. +1

“May the darkness within you find peace in the light” that sounds really bad. What a horrible thing to have on your statue. +1

Jordan Claire Robbins’s performance of Grace -1

Luther and Diego are so emo that they don't need umbrellas. You’re in The Umbrella Academy! This had to be a personal choice to not carry one. +1

Klaus’s face when Luther dumps out the ashes. -1

The camera cuts to Five when Diego says that Mom gave them actual names. -1

The fight between Luther and Diego is stupid. +1

Klaus and Five fight over who is going to protect who. +1

“Stop it!” “Hit him! Hit him!” -1

The detail on Ben’s statue. It shows his toe and knee have been touched many times by people who presumably miss him and love him. -1

Luther punches Ben’s statue in the crotch, which makes Klaus’s face 10x funnier once you remember that Ben was probably there too. -1 

Luther punches Ben’s statue in the crotch and beheads it, suggesting that Luther had something to do with Ben’s death. -1

Luther punches Ben’s statue in the crotch. +1

Klaus puts his cigarette out in reggie’s ashes. -1

Reggie narration +1

Reggie is a dick to his kids +7

The stupid, bright green jumpsuits +6

What is the point of this exercise? How does running up the stairs make them better heroes? +1

Young Diego either practiced “That’s not fair, Five’s cheating” or his stutter is only there when the plot calls for it. +1

Child Abuse tattoos +12

The fact that Vanya feels left out because she didn’t get a child abuse tattoo. Reggie, you fucked up these kids real bad. +2

We think that Reggie is comforting Luther after he got a child abuse tattoo, but no, he’s actually just attaching monitors to his head. +1

Reginald Hargreeves likes to watch young children sleep. +7

Vanya foreshadowing. Her monitor showing more activity then the cut to her taking one of the pills is brilliant. -1

Vanya still doesn’t close the academy door behind her when she leaves. +1

“An entire square block, 42 bedrooms 19 bathrooms” Five are you a real-estate agent now? +1

“Dad hated children too, but he had plenty of us!” Klaus would be excellent at cinema sins. Seven more for child abuse +7

What are the rules to Five’s jumps? We only really see him jump to places he can see unless he is time traveling or in the instance where he jumps to the car. Speaking of, the car had the keys in it. Reggie, are you trying to get it stolen  +1

Diego is a dick to Allison about her divorce. +1

Klaus and Diego’s interactions make me happy. -1

The Klaus theme is a wonderful piece of music. -1 

Robert Sheehan making David Castaneda laugh. -1 

We get our first glimpse of Luther’s arm here. It’s super weird and vague and only teases the reveal. This is where the ape reveal should have been for the audience and where it would have made sense. Doing the reveal in a later episode is weird. +1

Five doesn’t know how to break correctly, which contradicts “I know how to do everything” +1

Something I just noticed, Five completed the uniform not only with the tie and blazer, but with the hair gel too. +1

The towing guy chooses to sit next to Five at an empty counter. +1

Five looks so offended when Agnes refers to him as “the kid” -1

The creepy smile Five pulls in an attempt to look innocent doesn’t make Agnes scream in terror. Seriously Aidan Gallagher, what the fuck was that that was absoulutely terrifying. +1

+1

Five attempts to relate to a man that looks the age that he should be, but it ends up exceedingly awkward because Five looks 13. +1

The tow truck driver helps him out, but how was Five going to pay for his coffee? We don’t see him with money. Was he just going to jump out to the car? +1

Five never gets his cup of coffee :( +1

“Istanbul was Constantinople/ Now it’s Istanbul not Constantinople”. This whole scene is great. Five plays with them like he did in the bank scene which shows that even if he did age, he didn’t do it around people so he doesn’t have maturity. -1

Five stabs a guy with a mop and kills him. -1

Five stabs a guy in the crotch with a pencil, then uses the same pencil to stab him in the eye. In between he throws a plate at another guy. This is badass. -1

Five jumps in a way that actually does make two of the idiots shoot each other. Which means that technically, Patch was right. -1

Five kills a man with his bare hands. -1

But he stops to put his fucking tie back on. +1

And yet after all that, the goriest thing is when Five pulls the tracker out of his arm.  Props to the makeup department  and Aidan Gallagher’s acting skill for making that look so real. -1

Five should be way sweatier when he walks out of Griddys. Unless he moped that up with some napkins? What are these super absorbent napkins and where can I buy them? +1

Agnes should be far more traumatized. And definitely shouldn’t have survived that. +1

Diego is emo with the monocle. +1

Luther flashback narration. +1

Klaus, thankfully interrupts this. -1 

“Number 6 “Ben” (deceased)” -1

We can see Ben depending on if it’s Klaus or Diego talking. -1

The vigilante mask Diego wears +1

Five jumpscare in Vanya’s apartment. +1

“Rapists can climb” yes Five. Continue with the criminals that can climb. Including you. +1

This whole scene is the best ending to an episode in the entire season. -1

Aidan Gallagher and Ellen Page play off each other with subtle expressions. This acting talent is amazing. -2

“The world ends in eight days and I have no idea how to stop it” “I’ll put on a pot of coffee” roll credits. I love this ending for many reasons. It’s a total mic drop moment. -2 

Overall review:

While actively looking for nitpicky things, I got to see the first in a whole new light. Both the great parts and terrible parts stood out in a way that they didn’t when I wasn’t looking for them. Robert Sheehan, Aidan Gallagher, and Ellen Page were the stand out actors in this episode. All three contributed something significant that didn’t heavily rely on the script writers. 

The child cast also really stood out to me. All seven of them had very limited screen time (I am counting Gallagher playing a child version of his character in this assessment) and they absolutely made the best of it. Out of all of them, Ethan Hwang stood out to me because of his overall great delivery. I hope that we see him play Ben in a more in-depth way in season 2. 

Don’t get it twisted, I genuinely like this series and I think that it tells a great story. I just think it’s fun to nitpick and look deeper. After over analyzing everything else, it’s time to get back to basics. Especially because the season 2 trailer could drop any day now. 

Total: 82 sins

Sentence: Tennis with Hitler and Sir Reginald. 

[smallcowplant]

[ P A R T  T W O ]

my favorite thing is monsters (book one) by emil ferris 🧟‍♀️🔍🧛‍♀️

quick synopsis: adult (coming-of-age story from the perspective of a young girl, but definitely targeted at an older audience)/graphic novel. set in late 60′s chicago, the fictional graphic diary of ten year old karen reyes recounts her experiences as she tries to solve the murder of her beautiful and enigmatic upstairs neighbor, a holocaust survivor.

page count: 416

rating:★★★ (this is a hard rating for me...think 3.7-3.9....oscillating to a 4....4.2....I don’t know, man)

review: I keep doing this fun and cool thing where I buy a book without realizing it’s the first in an (unfinished) series, and then end up being cast woefully adrift by reality. that’s what I did with this one. purely based on the artwork alone, I can tell you that this book is a treat for the eyes. a lot is going on here, and there’s something so engrossing about being swept up into the chaotic pen strokes and colors. the story is an interesting one, and not entirely what you expect. the characters are all distinct and layered---really riveting people who feel near-painfully real. as the first book in a two (?) book series, it leaves off with the central (and now additional) mysteries unsolved---which leaves the reading experience feeling unfinished and kind of disjointed. I’m stuck in a bit of a confusing mid-zone with this one, where I truly....well, I can't say I enjoyed it, since this story is so much more than that? I was...fascinated? enveloped? I’ll be reading the next one, definitely.

one of us is lying by karen m. mcmanus 🥜🚓📱

quick synopsis: young adult/contemporary mystery/suspense. five students walk into detention. only four make it out alive. who did it...and who is lying?

page count: 361

rating:★★★ (firm 3.7)

review: the breakfast club....but with murder? if you’re down for that, you’ll enjoy this book! it certainly kept my attention. and MAN was this a suspenseful and super stressful read. (if you need a book that’ll make you go “wow, I’m glad I’m not in high school anymore”, this is it lol!) there’s a bunch of really interesting character studies going on in this one, and it definitely lends to a tense and involving read. the only reason the rating isn’t any higher is just that certain elements of it didn’t work...entirely...for me. that doesn’t mean that they were bad...just not what I...wanted? there’s two more books in this series, and while I’m not anxious to get my hands on them, I’m fairly sure I would read them!

murder at morrington hall: a stella and lyndy mystery by clara mckenna 🐎🍵💏

quick synopsis: adult/historical mystery. 1905. stella kendrick, a lively and confident american heiress, is tricked into an arranged marriage by her coldly ambitious father. her groom-to-be is viscount “lyndy” lyndhurst, who is both roughish and financially strapped. despite this rough beginning, they find themselves oddly drawn to each other. could they actually be a good match? however, all courtship is set aside when the pair discover the vicar who was  to marry them----dead in the library. now they must work together to solve the crime and find the culprit.

page count: 304

rating: ★★

review: ugh, it pains me to say, as I thought I was signing myself up for a fun turn-of-the-century murder mystery/romance...but this was just...meh. a meh story. I feel like it had potential to be an enjoyable, soapy romp with a dash of sensuality...but it was none of those things? (basically, I wanted a self-indulgent and delicious slice of chocolate cake...but I ended up with a week-old raisin muffin.) it didn't help that I had some issues with certain things the writer included. in particular, I REALLY didn’t like the equating of fat = mean/ugly and the repeated use of the word “bulbous” to describe certain characters noses----I had to do a quick google search to see what the hell the author was talking about. still not sure if she was trying to imply that the characters had rhinophyma/rosacea or just that they had bigger, “ugly” noses, but neither is good lmao. whenever you put a “plain/regular-degular person” with a big nose up against your array of stock White People™ characters with thin noses and angular faces, AND make those “plain” characters play the “wow, I’m so ugly but these characters are so pretty oh woe is me” bullshit in their inner monologue, I’m dipping. I’ve collected my paycheck, clocked out, left the building. (your story is already about a bunch of rich, straight, white people in 1905...I’m already skeptical, don’t test me. jk, but also not.) I’m fairly sure this would have caused a decent amount of people to DNF this book, but I’m a stubborn little bitch, and if I paid actual money for the hardcover copy at goddamn Barnes and Noble, I’m reading it. this is all to say that....if I’m being thrown out of enjoying your soapy historical murder mystery to gripe about random shit, there’s a problem. other than that? carpet was described a lot, the twist was decent, the romance was okay (no smut---or anything even vaguely close to romantic/sexual tension---and the kisses were not described at all, so I have no clue if either of them do more than press their lips together while admiring each others pale necks, but whatever), and the setting was the most interesting thing about this book (a crumbling english estate in the countryside?? sign me tf up). I won’t be reading anything more in this series, but that cover is pretty cool isn’t it? (I don’t know that the vase had anything to do with the story I read, but it does look really neat.) sidenote: hate to be a smarmy asshole, as I know full well how much work goes into writing, and I’m in no way trying to shame the author...this book just didn’t do it for me.

wilder girls by rory power 🌳🦷🥀

quick synopsis: young adult/horror/mystery. on an isolated island off the coast of maine, raxter school for girls is under quarantine. a mysterious disease has wracked the island, leaving teachers dead, students twisted and changed, and the woods that surround it dangerous and wild. while the disease consumes the island, the girls wait---for help, for the cure that was promised to them. but when hetty’s best friend disappears, she must venture out of the safety of the school, past the gate that separates them from the woods---and what she finds will change everything.

page count: 363

rating: ★★★★★

review: powerful, blistering, and utterly terrifying. that’s what immediately comes to mind when thinking about this book. I read it in a breakneck pace, devouring the whole thing in a feverish five? hour haze. once it was over, I sat bleary-eyed, the air around me feeling different than before, my hands tense and my stomach jumping. “you were a good one.” I said softly, kissing the spine. so yeah, it’s good. it’s very good. heartbreaking and awful and shockingly beautiful. this one hurts. I felt this one in my bones, in my soul. read it.

lovely war by julie berry 🌷💥💞

quick synopsis: young adult (but the youngest character is 18...so I think this could comfortably slot into adult)/historical (with a touch of fantasy). the intersecting stories of hazel, james, aubrey, and colette: a classical pianist from london, a british would-be-architect-turned-soldier, a harlem-born ragtime genius in the u.s. army, and a belgian orphan with a gorgeous voice and a devastating past----told by the goddess aphrodite, who must spin the tale or face judgment on mount olympus.

page count: 468

rating: ★★★★★

review: do you know how many times I CRIED while reading this book? because I certainly don’t! I lost track, as there are simply too many painful and beautiful things contained in this book. heart-wrenching, sumptuous and intoxicating, vivid in the best and worst ways, sharp and soft at the same time. I met my boyfriend while he was still active-duty military, so the wartime/seperation themes hit me very personally....but even without that, this book is excellent. expertly weaving together mythology and history in one gripping piece of art, it left me with a wistful smile on my face and a faint ache in my heart. it’s good. very good.

we have always lived in the castle by shirley jackson 🏡💀🐱

quick synopsis: young adult? adult? who knows!/mystery/horror. mary katherine blackwood is eighteen years old and lives with her sister constance. she has often thought that with any luck at all she would have been born a werewolf, because the two middle fingers on both of her hands are the same length, but she has had to be content with what she has. she dislikes washing herself, and dogs, and noise. she likes her sister constance, and richard plantagenet, and amanita phalloides, the death-cup mushroom. everyone else in her family is dead.

page count: 146

rating: ★★★★ (4.5/4.6!)

review: delightfully creepy and utterly odd, with a full cast of extremely unlikable characters and one of the strangest protagonists I’ve ever read. at NO TIME did I have any idea where the story was going, which lead to an completely bizarre (but fun!) reading experience. twilight-zonian/gothic...but better. very eager to read more of shirley jackson’s catalogue, because that lady sure knew how to weave a tale. very glad I read this one.

sadie by courtney summers 📻👥🎙

quick synopsis: young adult (mc is nineteen, and imo I feel like this slides into adult tbh)/contemporary/true crime. told from the alternating perspectives of nineteen-year-old sadie, who runs away from home to find her younger sister’s killer, and a true crime podcast exploring sadie’s disappearance.

page count: 308

rating: ★★★ 

review: sad, awful, raw. that’s this book, simultaneously bright red and angry and deep blue, sadness upon sadness. this book reminds me of every true crime documentary I’ve ever watched---how it wraps itself up in a depressingly soft way, all the emptiness left behind and everything forever-changed. gives me the same icky voyeuristic feeling consuming any true crime content always leaves with me---this peculiar feeling of peering in to others heartbreak, of their horrors. this is a hard book. it’s difficult and not easy to stomach---and it never lets up. know that before you go in. what you may expect/want is NOT what you’ll get. and that’s the trueness of this book. I have my own personal feelings regarding the story, thus the three star rating, but that’s on ME. this book is incredibly well-written and insanely gripping. I finished it the same night I started reading it. if you want a gritty, intense read set in the very bleak reality of our world, this is your book.

FEBRUARY

BOOKS READ: 14

PAGES READ: 4225

# OF 2020 BOOKS READ SO FAR: 17/50

in reflection: my goal for this month was to read ten books, and I did that ...plus four more! so I’m pretty proud of myself, lol! there were a lot of stellar reads this month, and I had so much fun discovering them all! definitely a TON of new favorites to add to my bookshelf! :^)

disclaimer: all fourteen of the books I read this month include/focus on potentially triggering content, although they do fluctuate on the scale of intensity and subject matter. my wrap-up reviews do not contain spoilers/a comprehensive list of potential triggers. I urge everyone to do their own research regarding the content of these books if you’re interested in reading them, and I’m always available for questions. my reviews are just that, reviews, and books that work for me may not work for you (and vice versa).