#the Scary Possibilities is polyamory btw

[curbside-oracle]

When you get the first ever successful romance reading of your life ever by opening up to Scary Possibilities in your heart

[welcome-to-the-petting-zoo]

Answer to Anon about polyamory, PART 2/3

Anon asked:  “ Hi! This is the anon who recently asked about coming out to my girlfriend as polyamorus. It went poorly. She threw a fit and now I'm not allowed to be around one of my closest friends. She told me she was polyamorus too and she had a crush on someone else and when I asked the same of her that she did of me and she guilt tripped me abour the fact that they live closer to her than I do and how I'm always busy. Is this fair? “ Dear Anon,

TP here. 

I’m sorry to hear it went so poorly with the coming out. First and foremost, let me give you the short answer: no, it is not fair, and from the way you ask, I kinda gather you know that.

Now, for a longer, maybe a bit more nuanced answer... Even though on the surface this seems very bad, I think this is actually a fine starting ground. Unfortunately, I find it’s always harder to open up a monogamous relationship than it is to start out open to begin with. That being said, it’s not impossible, and I’ll try to highlight some options for you, or areas I find important to work on between you and your partner.

First off, while I assure you, I’m 100% with you on the pain and unfairness of the situation, I’m not the best when it comes to emotional support, and my autistic brain goes, “if you want to help Anon, you’ll have to look at this cold-headedly, from a logical point of view”,and that’s exactly what I’m going to aim for in my explanation. (Sidebar: I’m a die-hard crime fan and recently I’ve been non-stop listening to true crime podcasts, so if I sound like an investigative reporter, that might be why, sorry ^~^”)

There are several questions that occurred to me when I was reading your ask. 

1, Why did she throw a fit? What upset her? Why did she find it the best way to react aggressively?

2, Why are you not allowed to be around your friend? Are you still allowed to talk to them online? What about on the phone? Is it only physical meetings or also facetime, etc.?

3, She told you she was poly too. (btw, THIS IS HUGE!!) Why did you only learn about this now? What are her feelings about polyamory? If she is poly too, AND she also has another love interest, why is she so against opening up your relationship?

4, She’s complaining about you being busy all the time. Once again, WHY does she not want to engage in a poly lifestyle and pursue her love interest, if she feels like she needs more attention/affection/time than what you are capable of giving? 

5, Does it HAVE TO be fair?/What IS fair?

This is going to be a humongous answer, but please bear with me, because at the end we might arrive at some interesting (and hopefully helpful) conclusions. I’ll try to stay objective, but at certain points I’ll have to enter the realm of wild speculations, and if you find that my reasoning is flawed due to me not knowing you, your partner, the reality of your situation, etc., please get back to me with corrections so we can work further on the solution in the light of the new information.

1, In the whole story, her reaction and her motivation is what baffles me the most. I feel like if I can crack that, if I can come to understand what’s happening in her head, that will directly lead to the solution of the whole drama, but since I know virtually nothing of her, these are questions you are more likely to be able to answer than I am, and I’ll have to rely on my model of the Generic Human Being to try to come closer to a possible solution.

The first logical answer that comes to mind is jealousy. People treat jealousy like it’s an emotion, and give it way too much validity in my opinion. Jealousy is not an emotion, it’s not something you can’t change, it’s not a given and it’s not the end of the line. Jealousy is a reaction to something, and that something is usually the feeling of someone else having something you also want, but you don’t have. My best bet would be, she heard about your emotions towards someone else, and she immediately felt threatened, so she became defensive and lashed out.

Think about it. In her head, the situation might look like something like this:  My partner tells me they have feelings for someone else. What happened? Am I not enough? Did I do something wrong? Do they no longer love me? Am I going to be replaced? What does this other person have on me? How are they better? Why does my partner want them instead of me? Sure, they tell me they still love me and want to be with me, but what if that stops being true the moment they get to be with that other person? What if they’ll find that the other person is a way better partner/better in bed/younger/older/prettier/smarter/more successful/whatever-the-fuck-I’m-insecure-about than I am? 

This is a brutally scary situation, especially because these are fears we don’t like to address, they are uncomfortable, shameful, deeply private, and most of the time we know deep down that they are silly. It also depends on the level of self-awareness a person possesses how much in touch with these fears they are, and how much they are willing to engage and work with them. But in any case, facing and overcoming these fears is a lengthy process, and it’s definitely not going to happen in a conversation where you just punched the beehive of your partner’s insecurities.

In other words, this is one of the main focus areas you two need to address and work with, because if you can untangle her emotional mess and get to the bottom of the jealousy question, you’ll find what the exact nature of her fear is and you might be able to put those fears to rest, once and for all. This will also be a journey that strengthens the bond between you and when you emerge victoriously on the other side, she’ll likely have a new level of openness and trust towards you, which also makes it more likely that you can live in a healthy poly relationship.

2, Now, let’s look at the situation with you and your friend. Do I assume it correctly that this friend is also your potential love interest? This seems to be the most logical assumption, so I’ll continue answering as if this was the case. 

I’m asking about the conditions of you not being allowed to be around her, because it tells me a lot about the nature of your girlfriend's fear. For example. If she’s okay with you having phone or Skype conversations, exchange texts or direct messages, but you’re not allowed to hang out in person, that means the focus of her worry is likely sex. She might find sex an important bonding experience between people, and she might be worried that if you spend unsuperwised time together, you’ll end up cheating on her. 

I wonder if she knows this person. It would be logical that she does, because they are one of your closest friends, so chances are you’ve been hanging out together at some point, so it’s interesting to look at whether she’d be okay continuing hanging out where she is also present. If she isn’t, that kinda changes the equation a bit, or at least points to the fact that she built up some (potentially misplaced) resentment towards them, and that also says something about the nature or at least the depth of her insecurity. 

PART 3 coming soon ~TP Part 1  here