#the ONLY reason it wasn’t in my top 5 dan outfits

[ricciardodaniels]

is this THEE light grey jumper?? if so, https://youtu.be/lqsnrdt7BGY enjoy

MARY THIS IS EXACTLY THE ONE HOW DARE YOU BUT ALSO THANK YOU

[writtendaydreamm]

One Rule

Daniel had one rule he followed on race weekends. No sex.

Warnings: 18+, NSFW, smut

It was a Grand Prix weekend and the first one y/n’s been able to attend all season. While Daniel was excited to have his girlfriend cheering him on during qualifying today, he wasn’t too thrilled about what a tease she’s been as of late. She was proving to be quite the distraction. Not exactly what he needed leading up to a big race.

It was a bit out of character for y/n. She normally tried to be as unassuming as possible during race weekends. The last thing she wanted was to jeopardize Daniel’s focus or performance. She mostly stayed out of sight and out of mind allowing him to get into the right headspace. She understood being a driver’s girlfriend required sacrifice. Fortunately for her, Daniel never asked for much. He really only had one rule during race weekends. No sex.

Now, if you know Daniel, you know he’s not really a follow-the-rules type of guy. He was more of a rule-breaker if anything. So for him to even have a no-sex rule at all, meant it was something he took seriously.

This all started very early on in his career after a horrible performance during a race he happened to have sex prior to. Needless to say, that race was one of the worst he’s ever had. Whether that incident was a fluke or if the sex really did affect his performance, only God knows. Either way, since then Daniel made it a rule to never have sex before driving. Whether that be for free practice, qualifying, or the actual race.

In accordance with his no-sex rule, the couple kept it PG these past few days sharing nothing more than some chaste kisses. It was driving Y/n up the wall. This rule never really bothered her before. But it had been so long since she and Daniel got to spend any real time together. It’s probably been around a month since they last saw each other in person. Every part of her missed him. His presence. His touch.

If she weren’t so desperate for him, she’d be impressed by his willpower. If the roles were reversed she would’ve given in by now. Y/n was not making it easy for him at all. Teasing him every chance she got. But to no avail. Dan still hasn’t budged

Y/n was just about ready to accept defeat until last night when Daniel’s resolve started to show signs of wavering. In a last-ditch effort to try and turn Daniel on enough so he’d finally fuck her, y/n wore nothing more one of than his t-shirts to bed. She was hoping for the best, but not expecting much. Daniel was already settled under the covers, headphones on, and ready for bed by the time she got there. But around a few minutes after she joined him, he got up to take a shower. Odd, since he had already taken one just before bed. Then after hearing a faint but familiar grunt coming form the bathroom, it clicked. He was taking a cold shower to get rid of his boner.

So when Y/n got dressed this morning, she didn’t choose the skimpy summer outfit she was wearing by chance. It was a calculated decision. One that would hopefully break whatever was left of Daniel’s resolve so he’ll finally toss that no-sex rule out the window.

When y/n asked him to tie her top from behind, Daniel nearly lost it right then. All he wanted to do was pepper kisses all along her neck and shoulder. How he wished he could just turn her around and pepper kisses along her breasts that were supported by nothing more than this flimsy top. But remembering his rule, he took a deep breath and pushed those thoughts aside.

Today was qualifying and Daniel was determined to earn a starting position within the top 5. He needed to be laser-focused on driving his race car at its limit today. Getting everything he can out of it. He had half a mind to lock y/n up in his car for the rest of the day the way she was acting right now. She was being a total tease the entire drive from their hotel to the circuit. Doing all the things she knew would turn him on. Like playing with his curls. Lightly massaging that spot on the nape of his neck. Running her hands over his thighs. Hiking her already short skirt up even higher.

Daniel knew exactly what she was doing. It’s not like she was being shy or discreet at all. And as much as he wanted to give her what she wanted, to rip the delicate fabric off her and take her in the back seat of his McLaren right then and there, he couldn’t shake the thought of his no-sex rule from his mind.

Swallowing hard, Daniel used every last bit of his self-control to resist her. He was so tense, his grip on the steering wheel had turned his knuckles white. Relief washed over him seeing the circuit was only a few minutes away now. He wasn’t sure how long his will would’ve lasted.

When Daniel finally parked the car, there was no denying the very visible tent that had formed in his jeans.

“Y/n,” Daniel groaned irritatedly. There were going to be cameras everywhere. There was no way he could walk out of his car like this.

She quickly feigned innocence. “What?”

He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “You know what. I can’t go out on the paddock like this right now.”

“Well all you have to do is let me help you take care of that then,” y/n pouted.

“Y/n, c’mon now. You know we can’t,” Daniel reminded her. His voice lacked any actual conviction though. “I just need a second to relax.”

Daniel closed his eyes, started to take deep breaths. In and out. In and out. It seemed to work as the tightness in his jeans started to let up.

That feeling didn’t last long though as y/n used this moment to feel him up through his jeans. Daniel’s eyes shot open as he inhaled sharply at the feeling. His hand gripped her wrist tightly but made no effort to remove her hand.

Y/n’s pussy throbbed at the feeling of how hard Daniel was for her and at how miserably he was failing to contain himself.

“The last time I fucked a girlfriend before a race I had the worst race of my life y/n,” Daniel warned her weakly.

“Well obviously, your ex wasn’t a good enough fuck,” y/n countered, her hand squeezing him through his jeans just a little. “If you won’t fuck me then at let me at least suck you off baby. How about that?”

Daniel couldn’t think straight. His mind wanted one thing, and his dick wanted something else. Her suggestion seemed like a good idea. It would be like a loophole. It wasn’t technically the same kind of sex that his rule referred to. A blowjob should be fine, right?

He took a glance around the parking lot to make sure no one was there. His McLaren was tinted pretty dark, but not dark enough to conceal them completely. A little part of him hoped someone would be outside so he had a reason to resist her. But a much larger part of him was incredibly eager to feel y/n’s lips around him.

“Fuck it,” Daniel grunted under his breath, throwing caution to the wind. He released his tight grip on her wrist and instantly took her lips in his for a hungry kiss.

Y/n smiled against his lips as she started palming him through his jeans. She pulled away, shifting in her seat to better face him. Her hands eagerly began undoing his belt and jeans.

Once she got them undone and Dan helped her pull them down mid-thigh, his dick sprang up. Wasting no time, y/n began pumping him with her hands.

Dan threw his head back in pleasure. He ran a hand through her hair, fingers lightly raking her scalp. As good as this felt right now, he knew how much better her lips would feel around him. His hand on her head began pushing her face towards his dick.

Y/n scoffed at his impatience but she figured she’d teased the poor guy long enough. Rather than fighting his hand, she allowed him to guide her head closer and closer to his dick. When she got close enough, y/n dribbled a little spit onto it.

“Fucking hell, y/n,” Daniel moaned. He may have controlled his urges for her all weekend, but it wasn’t easy. He was ready to let go and reach m the release she was about to bring him to.

When y/n finally wrapped her lips around him, he bit his lip hard to hold in another moan daring to slip out. She focused on his tip, swirling her tongue around it. Her hands pumping the rest of his dick her lips had yet to run across.

When she felt satisfied with the attention had given the tip of his dick, she released him from her mouth with a pop. The cool air from the AC still running was a stark contrast to her warm, wet mouth.

Her tongue licked a stripe from the very base of his dick, up to the tip before taking him in her mouth again. She did this a couple more times before finally sinking her mouth down on as much of his dick as she could handle. He gathered her hair into a makeshift ponytail so as to keep it out of her way and to give him a better view.

Daniel could no longer hold in his moans when he felt her start hollowing out her cheeks adding extra suction as she bobbed her head.

“It feels so fucking good, baby.”

Y/n began moving her head up and down faster at the praise.

“Yeah baby, just like that. Just like that,” Daniel instructed her, his voice hoarse and husky. Both hands were now on her head helping to guide her up and down at the exact pace he needed. He was getting close.

Y/n took her mouth off him, needing some air. Daniel let out a low groan as he saw what a wreck she looked like. Her eyes were tearing, lipstick smudged, saliva all around her mouth. What a fucking sight. With his hand still on the back of her head, he brought her face to his for a wet, sloppy kiss. Y/n kept pumping his dick with her hand as their tongues battled for dominance.

Daniel pulled away first, missing the feeling of her lips on his dick. Y/n went right back to sucking on him bringing him closer to his peak.

With both hands holding her head steady, he started moving his hips up into her mouth. Daniel couldn’t control himself anymore. It started off slow and steady. But quickly, it grew rough and fast. Y/n gagged a few times as he hit the back of her throat. Her hands were on his thighs bracing herself as he chased his orgasm.

“I’m close y/n, I’m so close,” Daniel groaned.

His hips were unrelenting as he fucked her face. The rhythm he had going turned erratic. After a couple of firm thrusts, he reached his orgasm coming in her mouth. A satisfied moan left his lips as his hands let go of her head. Y/n tried to swallow as much of his load as she could before bobbing her head up and down his dick a few more times for good measure.

“That felt so fucking good y/n,” Daniel said still trying to catch his breath. He stroked her hair lovingly, trying to tame the mess he created.

Y/n just pecked him on the lips before plopping back into the passenger's seat. After fixing themselves up, the couple walked hand in hand towards the paddock. They shared one last kiss before Daniel went off to prepare and suit up for qualifying.

Out there on the track, he was surprisingly the most relaxed he’s been in a long time. He was in tune with his car and making better decisions on the fly. His lap times decreasing with every lap he finished. At the end of the last round of qualifying, Daniel managed to secure the third starting position for tomorrow. The best starting position he’s had with McLaren so far.

Maybe that no-sex rule was doing more harm than good.

When he entered his McLaren motorhome he was immediately greeted with a big hug from Y/n. “You did so amazing out there Danny.”

“Reckon it had a little something to do with that mouth of yours aye,” Daniel said cheekily, running his hand along her back.

Y/n slapped his chest playfully. “Well, I mean at least now you know that stupid rule of yours was just bull shit.”

“Nah I’m not so sure,” Daniel started, before shooting her a wink. “I think we need to test it out again tomorrow before my race. See how well I perform then.”

[constellaj]

top ten danny phantom episodes based solely on how gay dash is in them

i will not be ranking these based on plot, animation, or literally any other criteria ok here we go

10: Public Enemies

dash himself is not very gay in this one but danny does beat him up and he gets the angst of being possessed and not remembering what happens. also this screenshot is literally so gay

4/10 for wasted potential in proving dash is gay. this couldve gone so much harder. but bonus points for for passed out dash

9: Doctor’s Disorders

fellas is it gay to lock yourself in a bathroom stall so fenturd doesnt see the horrible monster youve become, tell him to ‘get away,’ and then pass out before being able to fight him despite being a school jock who could probably deal some damage and has a better immune system than the other kids? is it also gay to then when your entire life revolves around ghosts and having ghost powers to watch a sappy romcom while waiting for phantom to come save you? the answer is yes. 6/10 again it couldve gone harder

8: Frightmare

again dash himself isnt explicitly gay in this episode. but danny why is your ultimate dream scenario being best friends with dash and having him know your secret. it gets a higher rating than the other two bc its literally a wish fulfillment scenario aka 174% more gay. but mathematically speaking 2/10 for baiting me with dash in the first two minutes and then never bringing him back

7: Forever Phantom

“watch it, fentertainment tonight! i’m chasin’ a real somebody!” 10/10

also spending the entire episode devoted to hanging with phantom + another reference to the romance channel. not very nuanced but still very gay

6: Reality Trip

what do you think it means when the school jock finds out your secret, wastes exactly 0 time in helping you, and finds a way to shoehorn in giving you his clothes to wear while doing it. dash was only in this entire movie for like 4 minutes but damn if he wasnt homosexual for all of them 7/10

5: Ultimate Enemy

”but dash wasn’t even IN the ultimate enemy!!11!1!” EXACTLY. if older dash had been in the future with dark dan he simply would have smooched him and then there would have been no conflict. if younger dash had shown up to the big fight then dark dan wouldve broke down sobbing at what couldve been. they had to restrain dash from this entire episode bc of his power. 9/10 i know the truth.

4: Splitting Images

it is important to remember that dash has no goddamn idea that’s sidney. danny literally does 1 (one) nice thing for him and dash decides “ok well i will be his best friend and play football with him and be impressed by his skills and then throw a party and also put my hands on his shoulders several times.” this proves my point that if danny werent a little shit he and dash would already have been dating by the time the show starts. 8/10 for letting dash be mundanely gay instead of knowing anything about ghosts. it doesnt happen very often

3: Attack of the Killer Garage Sale

do you ever just get a tutor who happens to be the exact sister of that nerd you pick on and also call him a twink and then invite him to your party even though you do not have to and specifically tell him the dress code and get him at the popular kids table and then realize he might not have the money for the dress code so you intentionally seek him out to give him money for some computery thing you dont know about but you also also realize that probably isnt enough so last minute you change the entire dress code to something you know he has and wear his exact outfit to make him seem cool by comparison. do you ever do that.

also these two shots are back to back 10/10

2: Micro Management

the pièce de résistance of all dash content. im talking 20 minutes of nonstop dash. im talking taking every opportunity to talk about how cool phantom is. im talking abt getting grabbed by phantom to be saved by him. im talking abt having a mental breakdown cause you think youre not good enough. im talking about casually flirting via jokes. im talking being unable to stop thinking abt fenton even when youre face to face with your biggest hero. im talking about saying “we did it!!! :D” to cheer on said hero. im talking taking his hand. holding his hand. being lifted or pulled. im talking abt flipping the switch to save the day! im talking abt micro fucking management baybey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 12/10

but what in the goddamn world could have more gay dash than micro management??? well ill tell you

1: Pirate Radio

he SAVES him. he calls him a hero. they are on EQUAL FOOTING and they KNOW IT. they have MATCHING GODDAMN OUTFITS!!!!!!!!!!! dashs personality doesnt have to be absolutely scrapped for him to be gay (”but i will be wailing on you”) but he clearly DOES get better (”sorry, old habits.”) he puts his heart and soul into fighting side by side w danny and we dont even SEE dashs parents which means that is Not Exactly The Reason he Is Here. he also believes with 0 hesitation that fenton is capable of throwing a total rager. NO there is not as much dash here as in micro management but. i mean look at these screenshots. THIS is gay representation. THESE are some genuine fucking boyfriends. 18/10

[devil-in-the-d3tails]

It’s the End of the World as We Know It - Chapter 1

summary: During the international quarantine in your first-ever pandemic, the people around you slowly begin to disappear. As the world grows quieter and quieter, you find yourself all alone-- no power, no friends, and only one goal: to find whoever of your friends might be left and reunite with them.You're naive to think anything can be that simple. As you're faced with ever-increasing loneliness, you run into some boys who apparently went to the same high school as you. Will you join forces with them to figure out your strange circumstances together, or will you brave loneliness in a world that is slowly crumbling apart?

Link on AO3!

words: 4,452

rating: M - Mature

genre: angst/humor, romance, adventure, apocalypse AU, reader-insert

warnings: sort of depressing content, a smidge of violence, cursing

a/n: hello, hello! this is my first fic for haikyuu (originally posted on AO3), and i wanted to post it on tumblr as well just for shits n gigs. please enjoy!

- Beginning of the End -

It was a Thursday the day everyone disappeared.

The world was quiet outside, but it was loud in your phone, on account of the international quarantine. Everyone was tweeting, making dumb videos, playing video games. You would sit in your room for hours on end, scrolling through your phone as you mourned the loss of your senior year of high school. No prom, no graduation, no more arts and crafts club. It was bad enough that your closest friend group had been disbanded before your senior year even started-- it was just bad luck, but they all left to live in different states while you were left alone in suburbia.

You stayed home with your mom while your dad went to work-- he was considered an essential worker, as he worked in the grocery store. Your mom was much more active than you, constantly cleaning or cooking or going for a walk. It was admirable, but it irritated you how she would always try and get you to interact with her activities. She did it because she was probably worried about you, and she was probably lonely. You were lonely, too-- your friends lived miles away in the vast expanse of the suburbs, and your home was tucked into the fringes of soccer mom society. Your backyard was larger than most, and it was perfect for when you would host kickbacks with your friends. Recently, however, you had no reason to use the large space.

On Thursday, you decided to put down your phone for a while and play fetch with your dog. She was the biggest and fluffiest best friend you’d ever had, a german shepherd named Indie, short for Indiana, as in the archaeologist. You thought the name was fitting, because she could find almost anything with her nose-- you and your mom had trained her to do that a few summers ago.

Your mom had gone on a walk before you decided to play fetch with the dog. You had left your phone on the kitchen table. It wasn’t until the sun began to set and you felt your arm begin to ache when you noticed that she’d been gone for a while.

You gave Indie her stick, though she sniffed and whined at you stressfully. You frowned, and let her inside as you checked your phone. A few notifications from your friends’ group chat:

 4:47pm

Kimi: Anybody else’s power go out?

Callie: omg i thought it was just Ohio!

Kimi: Nah, we got it in Connecticut, too.

Emily: New York, too!

They were asking if you had experienced the same thing.

 6:48pm

Me: i didnt notice, i was playing with indie. wbu, sami?

 Sami had moved to L.A., about two hours from your home, so you guys were able to hang out most weekends if you took the train or if she drove out to you. She didn’t even read the chat.

 6:48pm

Me: bitch i know ur in quarantine smh read my message

[Kimi, Callie, and Emily liked your message!]

 You dialed your mom’s number as you went to turn on the T.V., only to be met with static. You frowned, and surfed a few channels only to be met with more static before you turned it off. Her voicemail blared through your phone speakers, and that was when you started to worry.

You hung up, called your dad.

“Hey, honey!” He answered-- he must’ve been on break.

“Dad, did the power go out?”

“Yeah, for a couple minutes there. Did it happen at home, too?”

“Yeah…” You trailed off. Indie licked your hand, and whined some more. “Hey, mom’s not answering her phone and she’s been on a walk for a while. Like, three hours.”

“Huh.” Your dad let out a contemplative sigh. “Well, I’m sure she’ll be okay. Maybe she’s talking with the neighbors and her phone died.”

“Maybe.”

But maybe not. You had a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach, and Indie could sense it as you sat on the couch. She slowly tried to inch her way into your lap, as she never really had a good idea of her own large size. You just let her and scratched her ear.

“Listen, honey, I gotta go. But we can make mac-n-cheese for dinner, how’s that sound?”

“Good, dad.” You said, biting your lip. “Okay, see you when you get home.”

Then, you hung up, and you waited for your mom.

[-]

When your dad got home, you went out to search for your mom. On your tour of the neighborhood, you came across others who had broken quarantine and were searching for their loved ones, too. Saying they went for a walk, or to the store and they didn’t come back.

Your dad remained the voice of reason, saying things like well maybe their phone died, or this is all just some big prank we’ll all laugh about later. You stayed silent.

[-]

Saturday was when your dad didn’t come home. His car was nowhere to be found, but you didn’t trust yourself to drive your mom’s car just yet. Or rather, you didn’t want to drive it because you didn’t want to be reminded that it was permanently vacant. You walked all the way to the store an hour after he was supposed to have gotten off. Manager Dan wasn’t there, either-- nobody had seen your dad at all that day; he was a no-call, no-show.

You walked all the way back home.

9:52pm

Me: my dad’s gone now too

 10:05pm

Callie: fuck.

Callie: my sister…

 10:06pm

Kimi: I still haven’t heard from Sami.

Emily: Yeah, me neither.

 10:15pm

Me: we should check in every day with each other

[Callie and Emily liked your message!]

 10:32

Me: Kimi?

 [-]

It’s Thursday again.

Emily has stopped answering by now, and the frantic search parties that used to pass by your window every now and again have stopped, too. Even Twitter is quiet-- it seems with every passing day, more and more people go silent. As you lay on your bed with Indie at your feet, you keep refreshing your feed on every social media app, but nothing changes-- all of the posts are old. It feels like your world is shrinking while at the same time expanding into a terrifying void.

 5:38pm

Me: callie?

Callie: im here.

 You breathe a sigh of relief, which turns into a sob into your pillow.

 5:39pm

Me: idk how long we’ll have wifi or even electricity.

Callie: my parents are still here. Come to ohio, seriously.

 You bite your lip. You think about Sami, and how many times she pried the truth out of you when you were sad, how she was the only one who would sing with you at karaoke, how you promised to move to New York together.

 5:39pm

Me: i have to find sami.

Callie: please just come here. We need to stick together.

Me: i’ll find sami and we’ll come to ohio. Then we go to NY to look for em and kimi.

 5:45pm

Callie: okay. Please text.

Me: i will. I promise i’ll come to ohio.

 You bite your lip, and glance at your phone’s percentage: 43%. You sigh, and put it on the charger while you go downstairs to scrounge for breakfast. You only woke up about two hours ago, though you can’t sleep much, anyways. You think to yourself how your mom would be scolding you for waking up so late.

As you eat the last poptart, Indie lays down on your feet. You toss her a couple crumbs, she eats them gratefully. You sigh, and look at your now empty pantry-- you have to try and go to the grocery store, whether you like it or not. You only have your permit, but you know that you’re a terrible driver. Still, you get up and put on shoes and grab your jacket. You probably don’t have to worry about cops or the law anymore, anyway-- you suspect everything has disappeared.

You look at yourself in the mirror; you didn’t think your outfit for the apocalypse would be sweatpants and a hoodie. With a sigh, you change into jeans and a long sleeve, layer a flannel on top of that, and your favorite jacket on top of that. It’s cold outside-- much colder than you’re used to.

Based on the incredible silence on Facebook, you figure that most of the adults have disappeared. As you drive further and further into town, you notice some obvious signs of looting from once pristine houses: trash littering lawns, doors left wide open. You get the haunting realization that you’re perhaps the only person left in your neighborhood. It’s amazing how quickly things can turn in just a few days.

When you pull up to the grocery store, you notice there’s only one other car there-- a white van, stationed by the curb and still running. You actually pull into a parking spot like some kind of society bootlicker, and cautiously put the car in park and turn off the engine.

You watch the van for a moment, slowly becoming hyper-aware of the very real possibility that you might run into robbers. Your stomach growls, and you take a deep breath. You should’ve brought Indie.

Grocery bags in hand, you exit your soccer mom minivan and lock it. Steeling your nerves, you put one foot in front of the other. As if on cue, two figures hurry out of the store, glancing behind them before they notice you. The automatic doors have long since stopped running, so they just pause in the doorway while you freeze on the curb, the fumes from the van tickling your nose.

They’re both boys holding bags you assume to be filled with groceries: both around your age, one of them has gray and black spiked hair, and eyes as wide and aware as an owl’s. The one next to him has dark, short, almost curly hair, and his gaze is calculating and cold.

You take a small step back, unsure of what to say. They seem just as apprehensive, when the van door slides open forcefully.

“Hey, what are you doing? Get in!” Another boy, this one of a larger build than the two in front of you with jet black spiked hair, snaps angrily.

“Kuroo, we have a situation.” The curly-haired boy says evenly, though he’s tense. His knuckles are white holding his bags.

“Huh?” The one who must be Kuroo says, and cranes his neck to the side to spot you. “Oh, shit.”

“U-um…” You stutter out, and you suddenly feel extremely cornered-- it’s three against one, and what if they want to take your car? What if they have some kind of weird cult and need a girl for breeding? “I’m just gonna get some-- some poptarts and leave.”

“Holy shit!!” The gray haired one seems to have broken out of his stupor, and he rushes over to you, dropping his bags and their contents on the ground in order to grab your shoulders. “Another person! A-a girl!”

“Yes, she’s a girl…” The curly-haired one sighs, puts his bags in the van and begins to gather up the other one’s forgotten groceries.

“First one I’ve seen in a while.” Kuroo grins and hops from the car to stand beside the gray-haired one who still hasn’t let go of you. You don’t have the balls to tell him to get off-- you’re not sure how dangerous these boys are. “How long have you been hiding out?”

“Come with us! We’re at the high school.” The gray-haired one beams-- how could he possibly be smiling?

You don’t know what to say, so you look away. Your voice seems to be caught in your throat, and that’s extremely frustrating-- but you’re not about to cry in front of these guys.

“Quit it, Bokuto.” The curly-haired one is eyeing you carefully, though not as if you’re a threat. He seems to be the only one that can actually sense your discomfort. The one that’s holding you-- Bokuto-- sighs, and lets you go, instead putting his hands on his hips.

“We should at least help her.” He points out, and grins down at you. “What’s your name, anyway?”

“She’s not gonna tell you. Let’s just go home.” Kuroo shrugs, and you cross your arms.

You tell them your name, if only to spite the taller one. He turns with a grin, and it only just occurs to you that perhaps, that was reverse-psychology. You huff, and look away with a little bit of a blush.

“Like I said, I just need to get poptarts and some other things and then I’m going back home.” You mutter.

“We’re wasting gas.” The curly-haired one calls, as he has already sat in the front seat.

“Hold on, Akaashi!” Bokuto calls. “Listen, there aren’t anymore poptarts in there. None whatsoever.”

Your heart breaks a little, but you keep it together.

“There’s, like, rice and stuff, but I think that’s it.” He shrugs, and turns to get into the van. You bite your lip--  might as well ask rather than waste your time wandering around all alone.

“Is there any dog food left?”

“Huh? Dog food?” Bokuto is right back in front of you. He and Kuroo speak at the same time:

“You’re gonna eat dog food?” Bokuto says. “You have a dog?” Kuroo says, and the two boys glare at each other.

“Yeah…” You say, though you still haven’t gotten an answer to your question. “I mean, I have a dog.”

“Yeah, it’s in aisle five.” You hear the one called Akaashi tell you, without even bothering to turn to look at you.

“I know that.” You snap-- your dad used to work in this store, you know it pretty damn well. Akaashi glances back at you then, probably a little surprised by your defensive tone. You huff, annoyed at yourself for being so touchy. These were the first people you met after about three straight weeks in quarantine, and they might be the only people left for miles. You need to play nice.

“My dad works here.” You explain, looking down at your shoes. Kuroo nods, exchanges a glance with Bokuto. “Well, he used to.”

A silence falls over the group-- they know. You all know, now, what it’s like to lose a parent, or any loved one, for that matter. You blink quickly to fight back any tears that might threaten to escape.

“We’re staying at Karasuno High-- it’s the high school near Flat Top.” Kuroo says. “If you want to join us, we’re kind of setting up camp there.”

“There’s more of us!” Bokuto explains. “We’re gonna find some mattresses after this to bring ‘em back so we can all stick together.”

“Oh, cool.” You say half-heartedly, unsure of why exactly they’re inviting you over as if it’s some kind of fun sleepover. “Wait, you guys went to Karasuno?”

“Yeah! You, too?” Bokuto lights up, and you look at the three boys a little closer, though you don’t seem to recognize them.

“Yeah… but I don’t think we were in the same circles.” You finally smile a little, albeit sadly, now that you’re remembering all the things you’ll never be able to return to now that school and society are essentially gone.

“You ever go to any volleyball games?” Kuroo asks, obviously encouraged by your smile. You shake your head.

Akaashi has exited the van by now with a sigh, coming to stand beside his two friends as he takes a look around. “We need to get going. If you want to join us, you know where to find us. But it’s gonna be dark soon.”

That seems to smack some sense into the other two, and they exchange glances with one another. Kuroo nods, Bokuto sighs, and the two get back into the van. Akaashi pauses, and you accidentally lock eyes with him.

His gaze betrays nothing, and you wonder for a moment how he ever became friends with these two. He reaches into the van, and pulls out a familiar blue cardboard box, gives it to you.

You take the poptarts, and glance up at him questioningly-- he puts a finger to his lips with just the hint of a smile. You smile back.

“Listen, it’s great you have a dog-- keep him close. And get home before it gets dark. And…” He glances to the side uneasily. “Get a baseball bat or something.”

A chill goes up your spine at that last part, and you frown, but nod to the boy in front of you anyways. He returns the nod, and gets in the back of the van. You both share a glance at each other one more time, and it feels as if he wants to say something more, but he doesn’t. He just slides the door closed, and Bokuto waves to you out the window.

“Byee! Hopefully we’ll see you later-- hey, where’d you get those poptarts?!” Bokuto’s voice fades away as the van drives off, and you are once again left alone.

[-]

You gather a fair amount of stuff-- rope, for some reason is included in your loot. You always saw people in the movies get rope, so you figure you’ll find some use for it.

There aren’t any baseball bats, but you do find a hammer and a paring knife. It’s small, but better than nothing. You load up on the dog food, and even manage to haul two huge bags of kibble into your car. As you load it up, you can’t shake the feeling of someone watching you. Even though you look around and make certain that you’re the only person present, the feeling doesn’t go away. You sort of wish you’d gone with those boys now.

You aren’t surprised when the street lights don’t turn on, but you take that as your signal to leave. Even though you want to scrounge for more supplies, you don’t want to risk it. Akaashi’s words of warning hang over your head like a humid fog.

As you drive home, you can’t stop chewing on your lip. Even with your headlights on, it’s hard to see, but you don’t want to turn on your brights and draw more attention to yourself. Just get home, lock the doors, and check in with Callie.

You park the car in your backyard because the garage door won’t open-- the power’s finally gone out. You close the backyard gate and lock it as soon as you’re out of the car, but somehow you still feel uneasy.

As you enter your dark home, you softly call out Indie’s name, and you hear her scamper up to you.

“Good girl,” You whisper, and scratch her ear. You decide to leave the larger groceries in the car for now, as you don’t want to go back outside and keep making trips of transferring the supplies into your house. For now, you need to sleep so that you can ignore the hunger in your belly and stretch out your rations just a little further.

Indie guides you up the stairs and into your bedroom as you set your bag down heavily. You come across your phone with dismay, finding that it hasn’t charged at all since you left, and is now at 7%. You bite your lip, and open up the almost abandoned group chat.

 9:57pm

Me: callie im gonna come to ohio soon. I think we are gonna lose connection tho. Idk if this will even send, but ill see u in ohio. I love you.

 The message doesn’t send. You shudder out a sigh, and you’re grateful when Indie nuzzles into your side.

Your phone finally shuts off, though it’s useless now, anyway. You crawl into your bed and Indie curls up next to you, and you fall into an uneasy sleep.

[-]

“Shh!”

You jolt awake at the hissing sound that’s coming from downstairs. Indie is tense and alert, and she licks your elbow. You sit up, and vaguely note the time: 3:37am.

There’s some shuffling, and you see the beam of what you assume to be a flashlight shakily illuminate the walls downstairs. You didn’t close your bedroom door when you came in, because you assumed that you were alone.

‘Stupid…’ You think to yourself as you grip Indie’s collar. She begins to growl, but you shush her quickly, though she flattens her ears back at you. Letting out a shaky breath, you crawl off of your bed as silently as you can manage, and reach for the hammer and paring knife in your bag.

Indie follows you as you venture into the hallway, and you perch behind the bars of your stairs as the hushed conversation down below becomes clearer.

“Just find whatever food you can and let’s go.” A deep male voice cuts through the silence.

“We need to check the car! There’s nothing here.” A stranger male voice answers, and giggles. “We should find the girl instead.”

You tense, and grip the hammer a little tighter.

“I don’t care about her. I just want her stuff.” The deep voice asserts, and you wonder what you should do next. Storm downstairs and hammer them to death? You’ve never fought anybody before, let alone killed someone. Your hands are becoming clammy, and you don’t notice the pregnant pause in the conversation downstairs.

It isn’t until you see a head of brown hair come into view that you’re snapped from your thoughts. Indie can’t help herself-- she barks, and bolts down the stairs before you can stop her. The two boys yell in surprise, and you watch as she tackles the tall one with brown hair. Meanwhile, the other one comes into view-- he has large, droopy eyes with spiked red hair, and he looks excited when he catches sight of you.

“There she is!” He coos, and begins to walk upstairs. You gasp, and you know in this split second that your home is no longer yours-- you need to get away. In one fluid motion, you run into your room to grab your single bag of groceries. It’s heavy, but you don’t notice as adrenaline rushes through your veins.

When you turn to run down the stairs, the red-head catches you by both of your upper arms. He licks his chapped lips, and your knee jerks out to hit his groin. He yelps and doubles over, and you fly down the stairs.

“Indie!” You whistle, and she actually bounds from the living room over the couch, to skid by your side. You swipe the car keys off the counter, rip the sliding glass door open, and use the fob to unlock the car. You open the passenger for Indie, she leaps in as you toss the bag and your hammer and knife in behind her, you slam the door closed, and hop over the hood of the car.

As you turn to open the driver’s side door, you watch as the red-head runs in slow motion from your stairs to the exit to your backyard. You don’t breathe or shake as you turn the ignition, throw the car in reverse, then drive, and plow through your flimsy backyard gate as you push your little soccer van to its limits.

Tires skid as you swerve onto the street, and you press down so hard on the gas, that a few minutes later, you don’t register that you’re going 90 miles an hour in the suburbs. Houses pass you at incredible speed, and you ease up on the pedal when Indie licks your cheek. You stare straight ahead, and subconsciously, you drive towards your high school. Those three boys were nice to you-- they warned you, and you didn’t listen. They even tried to help you and include you, and you flat out denied them.

You slam on the brakes as you turn into Karasuno High’s parking lot. It’s only now that you realize that you didn’t fasten your seat belt, and you shut off the car with a shaky breath. The front of the school looms over you, and you wonder for a moment if they’re even here-- was it all a joke? What if they turn you away because you were such a bitch earlier? No matter how many scenarios you run through your head, you come to the same conclusion every time: you can’t go back home, and you’re already here, so you may as well investigate. You grab your hammer and get out of the car, and Indie follows behind. You close and lock the doors, pocketing the keys, and turn towards the school you’ve known for three and a half years.

The front gates are locked, of course. You wander the perimeter of the school, Indie trotting beside you the whole way. The school looks different in the dark-- it feels different, too. It’s like you’re walking in a dream, or some sort of in-between space. You shouldn’t be awake, and you definitely shouldn’t be here, but you are. It’s strange. Everything is bathed in moonlight, so it’s all a very specific shade of blue that makes you feel like you’re underwater.

You come upon the gym in the back of the school, and you’re startled to hear voices coming from inside. You tip-toe up to the doors, and Indie sniffs curiously. 

“If your leg gets cut off, would it hurt?”

“Please just go to sleep.”

“Duh!” A third voice chimes in, and the second voice groans.

“How, though?” The first voice presses.

“‘Cause your leg got cut off, dumbass.” Third voice answers.

“Where’re you gonna feel the pain?”

“In your leg…” The third voice trails off.

“Exactly, man. How’re you gonna feel the pain in your leg if--”

“--if your leg is gone?!” The first and third voice finish together, and you hear the second person groan.

“I’m going outside.” He says, and as his voice gets louder, you stumble away from the door just as it opens.

You blink rapidly and your jaw drops-- Akaashi stands in front of you, brows furrowed and eyes wide. You can’t believe they’re actually here.

“Akaashi?” Someone calls from inside. Akaashi opens his mouth to respond, but glances at Indie when she sniffs his hand curiously. He pets her absent-mindedly as his gaze wanders back to yours.

Bokuto and Kuroo pop up behind him a second later, and they’re just as surprised as Akaashi. Indie sniffs them in turn, and her tail begins to wag.

You drop your hammer with a thud, and sniffle like a toddler before letting out a sob you didn’t know you’d been holding.

“C-can I stay with you?”

[spaceorphan18]

Finding Kurt Hummel: Puppet Master

Masterpost

5x07: Puppet Master

Just when you thought season 5 couldn’t get any weirder - they decided to throw in drug-related hallucinations and puppets.  Because why not.  I actually love this episode, but, I mean, can you imagine the writers room discussion about early season 5? They just lost a castmate and friend - so they decide to go take the show in kind of a crazy direction (which also, let’s be honest, feels a little like vamping until they get to their 100th episode).  

Anyway - there’s a ton of Blaine meta here - which I’ll mostly be ignoring! It’s just interesting to me that I always think the Kurt story line in this episode is a lot bigger than it actually is.  And yeah, I’ll say this early on - Kurt is a puppet master just as much as Blaine is (they both have issues with control) - they just took Kurt’s story in a different direction.  Actually, I think it would have been interesting to see fallout of Kurt not having things work out for him, but Glee seems to have forgotten how to do its infamous parallels at this point. 

A Puppet Master

Kurt bounces into the episode on a high - he just booked Pamela Lansbury’s first gig -- at a Broadway hangout.  (Which also happens to be the place where his fiance sang a broken down version of their love song - so I don’t know, I’m torn between Kurt having sentimentality towards Callbacks and never wanting to set foot back in there again.  The show, meanwhile, didn’t seem like they wanted to create somewhere new, so Callbacks it is.)  

Rachel’s on board, but Elliott, Dani and Santana are not.  And in a scene much like the previous Blaine with the choir room scene, they proceed to tell Kurt that Callbacks isn’t such a great idea.  I tend to agree, for marketing purposes, probably best to find some place that’ll get you the right audience, but this is Glee, land of magic where the plot needs it.  (I say in loving jest) 

Kurt’s astounded they’re not on board with this (he looks to Rachel, who looks sad for him - it’s an interesting little moment of subtly in an otherwise kind of over the top scene).  And he insists that Callbacks is a funky place (why does the writing for Kurt sound like a 50yo trying to reclaim his youth? Was Ryan Murphy 50 at this point?).  And that they should trust his instinct and go with him on it.  

I love the little moment where Dani says she doesn’t think anyone else will come and Kurt says he disagrees (Dan-ni!).  Demi Lovato’s reaction is priceless.  She was so under used in this show.  

Anyway, Kurt has a vision of his band playing Madonna songs.  When has Kurt ever had rock star ambitions? Well, now apparently.  (Though - I will say, while not pronounced, Kurt does love and appreciate the attention from performing nearly as much as Rachel and Blaine.)  

So -- we get Madonna’s Into the Groove.  Hm.  

On the con side: I wish they had gone full on 80s.  I mean the clothes are there, but the hairstyles are not.  The juxtaposition feels a little weird to me.  I also wish it wasn’t so autotuned.  It’s nice that Kurt gets a fun, upbeat number, but it’s almost entirely electronic sounding.  I realize that’s supposed to match an 80s synth sound, but I guess it doesn’t work for me.  Also I don’t have a lot of meta for it.  It’s a fun dance number.  I suppose - for all of you complaining that Kurt doesn’t have enough lack of meaning songs - well here you go. 

On the pro side: Kurt’s having so much fun - he’s taking the lead on this one (I can barely hear anyone else on it), and his dancing is adorable and flirty.  It’s great that they let him relax in his own fantasy.  You work that crowd (and those hips)!!  

The intensity at the end cracks me up.  Even in Kurt’s fantasy - Rachel is way super intense.  

Does this sequence remind anyone else of Saved By the Bell’s Rocumentary episode where they sing Friends Forever? Just me? Okay moving on.... 

Oh - Kurt’s getting a call from his fiance - talk among yourselves.  

On close inspection, this scene is hilariously ridiculous.  I mean, I love that the show remembered the two of them were in a committed relationship.  I love that they’re making an effort to show them talking with each other on a pretty regular basis.  (And interestingly, the Klaine stuff has been consistent on the NYC side, though more so absent on the Lima said.  Weird? I know but true.)  

Let’s recap the episode so far: 

Blaine: I have awesome ideas for the direction of our musical group.  Everyone else: Yeah, we think your ideas are dumb  Kurt: I have an awesome idea for the direction of our musical group. Everyone else: Yeah we think it’s a dumb idea.  

Then this scene: 

Blaine: People think my ideas are dumb.  Kurt: Instead of letting you know I understand exactly what you’re talking about, I’m going to remind you that people don’t like it when you try to tell them to do things they don’t want to do - even though I’m going through the same thing at the moment.  

Okay Kurt - a) why the revisionist history considering the glee club.  no one ever had an equal vote on anything and b) hello pot, meet kettle.  Show, I mean what even?!? 

Okay, you know what though, I think this scene is hilarious though.  As it continues - Kurt’s all excited about his news and asks Blaine to come see him.  Blaine is like, yeah whatever.  Kurt’s thrilled about Blaine coming to see him again but Blaine is like KURT WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS PUPPET MASTER THING!!  

No, they aren’t really listening to each other in this scene.  I don’t really care.  It’s comedically satisfying.  

Oh - and can we take a moment to see that Blaine’s inbetween classes at the moment.  I wonder how many times Blaine texts or calls Kurt during his school day.  Idk - that cracked me up too for some reason. 

Kurt Puppet.  Okay, I’m not talking about Blaine’s stuff really - but can I just say I think the Kurt puppet is adorable, even if oh Blaine - you’ve got some issues.  However, I just need to throw out there that Sue doesn’t want to catch Blaine with his hand up the anything that isn’t human.  Uh...Sue? Does that mean you’re open to...oh never mind.  Oh - and I do kind of love that the Kurt Puppet comes alive after Sue confiscates it.  

Crushing Disappointment

Okay - so twenty minutes and a bunch of hallucinations later - Kurt’s chilling waiting for Blaine in the back room of Callbacks.  Kurt’s not gonna like the news.  Dude - you really need to stop inviting Blaine to Callbacks - it’s never gonna end well.  

Anyway - Blaine’s been putting this off (oh Blaine) but he tells Kurt he’s not there.  And Kurt’s first reaction - concern! It’s not until puppet Kurt appears that the anger is apparent.  

And so we get the shift from real Kurt to puppet Kurt.  How much of this conversation is real? How much a fantasy? (caught in a land slide - no escape from reality...)  

I’ve seen this scene be debated quite a bit - and to be honest, I can go either way on whether it’s real or not - so I like to take the happy medium approach.  I do think Kurt was frustrated (as evident as he throws his phone down after the conversation) -  that Blaine not only couldn’t make it, but that Blaine avoided talking to him about it until the last moment, too.  It is interesting, too, to note that Blaine being there for Kurt is really important to him.  

Meanwhile, I think a lot of the anger going on in the scene is Blaine’s own internalization of the situation - and the disappointment he keeps finding in himself.  Puppet Kurt’s reaction is a reflection of how he’s feeling with himself at the moment, and not necessarily a true representation of Kurt’s feelings on what’s going on.  

Still - I wish there had been a clearer resolution to the Klaine conflict (?) than how the episode ends.  (I hesitate to even call it a real conflict, tbh - more so a frustration on Kurt’s end and Blaine issues on the other.) Idk - I still think it feels a little unresolved.  

Meanwhile, Kurt’s got other problems as there’s only one person waiting to see Pamela Lansbury perform - and it’s not even a real fan.  (Dude - are there no other people in that bar?  Seriously on a Thursday in NYC?)  

What does a fox say?

It really is tragic that I can’t get a full shot of this outfit.  What even are those pants Kurt?  

Okay, so let’s recap the second half of the episode: 

Blaine: **has extensional crisis about being called a puppet master, has extensive hallucinations, plays with puppets, but at least gets some character development** Everyone else: Hey Blaine, we talked it over - and your ideas aren’t so bad.  Bonus - you get to be the star!  Kurt: **gets absolutely no development** Everyone else: Hey Kurt, we talked it over - and your idea wasn’t that bad.  Bonus - You get a second gig due to a ridiculously contrived plot point (that will be used again in a few episodes with Mercedes).  

Idk - I love this episode, but I could have done without the the Sue plot in favor of letting Kurt’s band be more than showcasing Adam Lambert and Demi Lovato.  

Meanwhile, the semi-ish conclusion to the Klaine stuff??  Blaine sends an “I’m sorry” box.  (How often does that happen?)  Kurt looks pretty pleased...until he opens it and seems really confused.  Kurt - I really think you may want to call Blaine and see if he’s okay.... 

Oh What Does the Fox Say.  Some people hate it (Lea Michele - it’s her least favorite Glee song apparently), some people love it (My 5yo niece thinks it’s the greatest thing ever), I’m cool with it.  It is super weird - but so is the rest of the episode.  

I’ve seen some interesting meta floating around about how Kurt is the fox because he does not sing in the song (he doesn’t even lip sync the back up vocals - he’s pretty silent).  I wish I remembered what people had said about that.  It was kind of interesting, even if I think this episode is purely a ‘for fun’ number.  

Fun fact: Originally Miley Cyrus’s We Can’t Stop was supposed to be the ending number.  No idea why it changed - but that would have been interesting to see, actually.  Probably makes more sense with the episode than The Fox, lol.  

[sammysreelreviews]

My Top 10 Gossip Girl Moments

So today is a very monumental day in my life. GOSSIP GIRL TURNS TEN! I know I sound dramatic but Gossip Girl was the first show about teens in high school I watched while I was actually in high school. I may be old but I was still in middle school when The O.C. was out! This show honestly helped me become the person I am now and is the reason I won the Best Dressed on a Dressed Down Day senior superlative (LMAO). I went to a school with uniforms btw. From the lavish parties to the hottest spots in NYC Gossip Girl will always be an iconic show. So, I compiled a list of my favorite moments, I know you’ll love them. ***SPOILERS*** for all you uncultured swine. 

10. The Series Finale (Season 6, Episode 10, New York, I Love You XOXO)

Although everyone was team Chuck and Blair, Dan and Serena had their fairy tale moment in the series finale and it makes me cry every damn time. This episode had a lot going on including TWO weddings that both were beautiful. I don’t know if it’s cause everyone is happy or that it’s always a sign that my teen years ended but either way it was one of the best endings to my favorite show. Seeing as it was the last thing that happened I thought it would be nice right at number 10.

9. The Return of Bart Bass (Season 5, Episode 22, Raiders of the Lost Art) 

I’d be lying if I said Gossip Girl didn’t hit a rough patch towards the end but in this episode they brought back that wow factor with bringing back Bart from the dead. I remember sitting there with my jaw dropped and at the time they really didn’t do that on TV then. Bringing back Bart was smart but damn, poor Chuck.

8. Little J’s Cotillion (Season 3, Episode 9, They Shoot Humphreys, Don’t They?)

Jenny Humphrey went from Brooklyn’s girl next door to absolute bad ass. She defied her dad, talked back to her brother and even put on a guerilla fashion show. Little J was in some hot water at her own cotillion when her date bailed on her but like a true Queen B she rose above it. Gossip Girl herself has the best line in this episode. She says, “nobody puts Jenny in the corner and now she’s having the time of her life .” Wearing a black dress like that to your cotillion, daring. Having college student Nate Archibald be your date, iconic.

7. The Third Thanksgiving (Season 3, Episode 11, The Treasure of Serena Madre)

I love this episode cause it is just MESSY. Serena is having an affair with Tripp and her mom finds out at Thanksgiving dinner!!! Also it’s very dramatic and it seems like every kid hates their parent that episode. They literally all leave the damn table. SO rude. A lot was happening and Jason Derulo playing in the background just adds to the dramatics. 

6. S & B In Paris (Season 4, Episode 1, Belles De Jour)

Serena and Blair whisking away to Paris was a huge episode in Gossip Girl history. Not only did they shoot on location but the outfits in this episode are remarkable. I literally only put this so high cause of Blair’s red dress she wears to talk to Chuck. I mean what was the wardrobe budget?!

5. The First Thanksgiving (Season 1, Episode 9, Blair Waldorf Must Pie!)

I love this episode cause we get to see two things; Blair’s vulnerable side and Serena the hot mess express. We finally got to see why Blair was such a bitch. They did a good job portraying her eating disorder and it wasn’t a pleasant thing to watch. I just love this flashback cause you see Nate, Serena, and Blair genuinely happy. Also I love when Serena is drunk and doesn’t even recognize Dan or remembers his name. I mean… who would?

4. Cotillion Number One (Season 1, Episode 10, Hi, Society)

This episode had a lot going on. like A LOT. Serena didn’t want to go to Cotillion but her grandma literally lied to get her to go. Blair didn’t want to take Nate we’ll never know fucking why he’s legit perfect. Chuck I think was still in love with Blair and he got the short end of the stick this time around. Serena ended up going but with the Winter Soldier so that was interesting. The Pretty Little Liar’s theme song was played during this episode and I think that’s what makes it so major.

3. Georgina Fucking Sparks 

I just want to say I love Georgina Sparks. She is number 3 for causing so much drama over the years. When she first appeared she made Serena sweat more than a sale at Bendel’s and I was here for it. Blair might have ran the show but Georgina was the true villain and Gossip Girl would absolutely suck without her.

2. The White Party (Season 2, Episode 1, Summer Kind of Wonderful)

Honestly not a lot happened in this episode in my opinion besides the scene of Serena eating chocolate strawberries seductively on the bus. The main reason this is number 2 because the all white party outfits were AMAZING. I don’t understand how everyone looked so good that day in all white in the gorgeous Hampton’s. Chuck with the black trim on his suit and Blair in that little white dress, this was one of the biggest fashion moments in Gossip Girl and it’s still amazing.

1. BFF’s Forever (Season 1, Episode 4, Bad News Blair)

S and B were the best friends of Gossip Girl and in this episode you really saw them click. They might have had a little fight but in the end they worked it out and this was really the first time you saw them be the bff’s they were born to be. The two of them stealing Mrs. Waldorf’s clothes and having their own photo shoot is my favorite scene in the entire show. I actually cry every time I watch this episode cause it makes me think of how much I love my best friends and how they’re always gonna be there for me. Although the show revolved around the romance the best relationship they gave us was the friendship between Serena and Blair.

[iwriteficsnottragediesladies]

Search and Seizure Pt 1

A/N: In honor of getting over 100 followers. This fic is near and dear to my heart. I struggle with epilepsy. I decided to write an epileptic reader into one of my fics because it helps me process it. I hope that’s okay.

Pre-read Epilepsy Disclaimer

You were on your way back from your pharmacy run. You buy something innocuous as well, this time toothpaste, to disguise why you really went to the drug store–to refill your prescriptions. You head back to Brendon’s and knock on the door. He lets you in with a smile and a little kiss.

“Hey Y/n,” he says “Where’d you sneak off to?” “Had to get toothpaste,” you reply. “You know there was a full tube in the closet,” he says, feeling bad that you went out just to get it. “Oh oops, I didn’t know,” you reply easily with a smile. “Oh well, just one less thing to buy on the tour,” Brendon says happily, kissing the top of your head. You smile up at him and go to your room, closing the door behind you.

You sorted your pills into each slot of your weekly box.

Three of these in the morning and night One of those day and night too One of that, but only at night Two of the others, but only in the morning Damn, you are one heavily medicated person. Whatever it takes to stay healthy, you guess it’s worth it. You had never been on tour before, and you were so excited. It was your last couple days of packing up before you leave. You were nervous though. Your epilepsy usually flared up when you don’t get enough sleep.

Brendon doesn’t even know you have seizures. He’s obviously noticed you take medication, but you’re discreet about it and he never asks. You don’t want him to treat you differently, or have him worry about you all the time. You’re sure he would overreact. You had been with Brendon for a year now, and your epilepsy had been so well controlled, you haven’t had a seizure in almost two years. It wasn’t really important for him to know. Until now. Who knew if your epilepsy would remain under control in such a new environment. You worry the craziness of touring might mess with it.

Once you begin the tour, all of your worries fade away. Every show Brendon performs is like pure magic and it keeps you going. And the celebration sex? Mind blowing. You are so proud of Brendon. You watch him from off stage pretty much every show, usually with Zach, and unabashedly jam out. Zach stands by while he silently judges you, but you occasionally force him to join in. He’s so tough looking, but he has a soft spot for you.

It’s two weeks into the tour and you’re getting exhausted. One night, you’re less enthusiastic than usual back stage during the show. Zach nudges you with his elbow.

“You okay?” He asks.

“Yeah, yeah,” you brush it off as convincingly as possible, “just tired.”

The show ends and you make your way back to the bus. You climb into the bunk after putting on some pjs and you feel Brendon join you. He wraps an arm around you. You turn over to face him and he strokes your arm.

“Hey babe,” he says, “how are you feeling? You seem like you’re draggin.”

Zach totally told on you. Damn him.

“I’m fine,” you reply cooly, “not everyone is used to touring the whole goddamn world, ya know?” You laugh.

Brendon smiles and kisses you gently. “As long as you’re okay…” Brendon trails off.

“Yes,” you reply confidently, “and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” He leans in and kisses you again. His face then becomes serious.

“Get some sleep.” He starts to move from the bunk but you grab his arm. He looks back at you surprised.

“Don’t go,” you say, and he looks concerned. “I’ll get lonely,” you added with a smile, covering up your anxiety. He seemed convinced that it was the only reason you wanted him to stay. Truthfully, it was because you’re scared. What if something happened? What if you had a seizure in your sleep and choked on your vomit and you never woke up?

Brendon stripped down to his boxers, tossing his clothes out from behind the curtain of the bunk. You cuddle up next to him and fall asleep nearly instantly.

You wake up the next morning and the bed is empty. You sit up quickly, but you hear Brendon’s voice coming from the tiny kitchen talking to Dallon, and you calm down. You stretch and roll out of bed, padding into the kitchen area. Brendon is manning a pan on the stove top. His eyes light up as you enter.

“Good morning, gorgeous,” Brendon greets you.

“Well hi there, sleeping beauty!” Zach joked.

“What time is it?” You ask as you lean into Brendon’s chest and he kisses you on the top of your head.

“Eleven,” Dallon replies.

Your eyes grow wide. “Gees why didn’t you wake me up?”

“I wanted you to get some extra sleep,” Brendon says, rubbing your back. You nod gratefully and step away, sliding into the booth next to Dallon. Dallon puts an arm around you.

“Want to eat? We’re making pancakes,” Dallon announced.

“Yeah, sure,” you reply happily. The door to the bus swung open and Kenny and Dan climbed up. They both sat down on the couch.

Pancakes were served up soon after. The boys start talking about the set list for their show tonight. Dallon lists off the songs on his fingers, everyone nodding as he went. As soon as he mentioned Sins there was a collective groan, especially from Brendon. You smirked.

“Oh come on guys, do it for the fans!” You coach.

“Fine,” Brendon pouts. The conversation continued.

“We could close out with Don’t Threaten Me With A Good Time,” Dallon suggested.

“I kind of li–” you started, but didn’t finish.

Everyone’s attention was on you, but you said nothing. A blank stare took over your face.

“Y/n?” Brendon asked you. You don’t respond at all. The boys are unsure what to think, but worry consumes Brendon. “Y/n?” He called loudly, leaning over the table to shake your shoulder. After some delay, you speak,

“–ike when you close out victorious, though.”

You see everyone staring at you with the strangest expression. Gees, was closing with Victorious that bizarre of an idea? You realize Brendon is touching your arm. When did that happen?

“Y/n,” Brendon says, confused, “Are you okay?”

Suddenly you realized what must have happened. You probably had an absence seizure. They’re weird–they’re not like seizures you see on tv. It looks like you’re staring off, but nothing can break you out of the trance. It lasts just a few seconds and you have no idea that they happen. You just jump back in where you left off, sometimes in the middle of a sentence like you just did, apparently.

You need to cover this up. Pretend like you knew it happened.

“Sorry, I just zoned out so hard,” You laugh.

You feel everyone’s gaze on you. 

“Yeah, you really did,” Dallon said with a furrowed brow, “Are you sure you’re okay?” He was in full dad-mode and the thought of it almost made you smile.

“Yeah I’m fine!” you said reassuringly, “I just lost my train of thought.”

Brendon sits himself back down, releasing your arm but continued to stare you down. The boys seem convinced, but Brendon does not. He’s trying to read your eyes, but you put on your best disguise.

“Well, by request of the lady,” Kenny spoke up to lighten the mood, “I think we should do Victorious.”

Everyone was nodding in agreement, including you. Brendon was still looking at you intently.

“Shit,” Zach said looking at his phone, “We gotta be at sound check in 5 minutes.”

Everyone threw their plates in the sink and scrambled to get their things together. You were all ready to pour out of the bus in a matter of seconds.

You push the events of the morning out of your mind, and make yourself busy at soundcheck, helping out where you can. Then it was down to the dressing room for a bit.

You hang out behind the paneling during the meet and greet. You play with the apps on your phone and wander around the internet. You’re tired and end up sitting on the ground up against the cool concrete wall. You can hear the happy squeals of fans meeting the band, and occasionally Brendon’s beautiful laugh. It makes you smile to yourself.

You all go back to the dressing room once the meet and greet is over. The boys begin their usual shenanigans after getting their outfits on. Brendon still seems to be watching you from the corner of his eye. You make sure to laugh and react appropriately to everything happening, not wanting to let on to your exhaustion. They are a hilarious bunch, so it’s not too hard. Brendon’s skin tight pants are your main point of focus, as usual. God he looked so good. He comes over to you and sits, asking again if you’re okay, after this morning. You reassure him with an annoyed laugh.

“I’m FINE, babe. I love you,” you smile, planting a kiss on his lips.

It’s finally go time and you head up to the stage area. Brendon leans over with some weird body language to Zach and says something quietly into his ear. Zach nods dutifully in response. You wonder what he said.

[“Keep an eye on Y/n for me, okay?”]

Brendon approaches you one last time. “Break a leg, Bren,” you smile. He nods and kisses your the neck. Once Brendon steps out, the arena bursts with cheers.

You look on as usual during the show. The lights and sound of the show seem… louder than they normally do. You try not to seem overwhelmed, since Zach is standing so close by the whole show. The show ends and you’re grateful that you’ll be going to bed soon.

Brendon runs off stage straight over to you and you are enveloped in his arms. “Congratulations babe,” you exclaim, “another amazing show on the books!” He pulls back and kisses you.

“What did I do to deserve you?” He whispers. The goofiest smile overtakes your lips and you feel like a five year old. He takes your hand and you walk over to where the band has gathered in a circle along with Zach. They were chatting about the show. Brendon is putting in his two cents.

Their voices seem to dampen. You feel sick to your stomach. 

Oh no. Oh NO NO NO NO.

You think back and remember you never took your medication that morning, too caught up in getting to soundcheck on time. You have the distinct feeling: you’re about to have a seizure. You step back from the circle. You don’t want to tell anyone, but you can’t possibly go through it alone. You will yourself to tug on the sleeve of Brendon’s jacket like a child to get his attention. He turns around and the smile on his face instantly disappears.

He wraps an arm around you with concern growing in his eyes, and starts to walk you away from the group. “Y/n? What’s wr--”

“I feel like I’m going to throw up,” you interrupt him.

His facial expression widens and he looks up, spotting the nearest trash bin and rushes you over to it. You’re grateful that it’s out of the view of the boys, blocked by a wing curtain. You grip the bin and lean over. Brendon gathered up your hair and placed his hand on your back. You hesitate and then finally gag and vomit.

“Okay,” Brendon comforts you quietly, “it’s alright baby.”

Brendon’s voice fades in and out. You’re crying now. You try to speak but it’s difficult.

“I’m so sorry,” you try, “I lied to you.”

Brendon knows something is horribly wrong when you start to speak. You sound confused, your voice slurring. You’re becoming less coordinated. He leans you into him, half to comfort you, and half to steady you.

“Baby?” He inquires, much more concerned about your health than what you were talking about. Your eyes wouldn’t focus on any one thing.

“I lied, I’m sorry I lied,” you continue to cry incoherently. You’re words are so jumbled, Brendon can barely understand what you’re even saying.

You were so stupid. You should have told him about your epilepsy, but you lied instead. You stumbled over your own foot and Brendon grabbed you, holding you up.

“Okay, it’s okay,” he reassures you again, “Come here baby.” He’s walking you to a nearby chair. He all but carries you the three steps over to it, your legs unable to cooperate.

You feel the chair beneath you now. Brendon kneels down in front of you and looks like he is saying something, but you don’t hear anything. His face is fading away. You’re scared. You’re screaming internally, begging him not to leave you. Your cries stop quite abruptly and that’s the last thing you remember.

Brendon notices your expression fall blank as you became silent. It is the same look you had on your face that morning. His heart sinks. He places his hands on your shoulders.

“Y/n?” He calls to you, trying not to panic. You don’t respond. “Y/n?” He pleaded. He needs to go get help, get Zach. He glances around but there’s no one around.

You shift stiffly and you start to fall off the side of the chair. Brendon lunges forward and catches you around your chest.

“ZACH?!” He shouted over his shoulder, never taking his eyes off of you, “ZACH?!” You were moving around in his grip but he held you, keeping you from hitting the ground. “Shhh, it’s okay baby,” Brendon whispers to you.

Zach knows by Brendon’s voice that something is terribly wrong and he instantly locates us. Zach comes running around the side of the curtain and the boys are only two steps behind. Zach arrives at Brendon’s side immediately to assist him.

“Shit shit shit,” Zach is muttering under his breath. He grabs your knees and helps Brendon ease you onto the floor. Your arms and legs are moving erratically and you nearly kick the chair, but it is suddenly removed. Dan is passing it off to Kenny who sets it aside.

You lay shaking on the floor. It becomes clear to everyone: you’re having a seizure. Brendon instinctively slips your head into his lap to keep it from hitting the ground. Zach keeps a firm hand on your hip so you stay on your side.

“Medics,” Zach called out to a stagehand that responded to the commotion, “We need medics now!”

All Brendon could do was look down at you, struggling aimlessly, your gaze blank. He stroked your hair and spoke softly to you, even though he knew you probably couldn’t hear him. 

“It’s alright, baby, I’m right here, you’re going to be okay, everything is going to be okay…” Brendon whispers to you.

His beautiful girl. There you were, completely vulnerable, and there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t help but cry. Dallon then squatted down behind him and placed a hand on Brendon’s shoulder for comfort.

“Okay, okay Y/n,” Brendon overheard Zach whispering to you. Brendon knows Zach has always had a soft spot for you.

Brendon wanted to make it stop. He felt like an idiot, he knew you weren’t okay. He wiped away the spit from your mouth onto his stage pants. “It’s okay baby, it’s okay.”

Your movements are becoming less violent and you slow down. Your breathing sounds labored and it scares him.

There is shuffling around and bags are set down. The paramedics are here. Dallon stands up and everyone makes room, stepping back. Brendon remains, sitting on his butt with his legs crossed like a kindergartner, with your head cradled in his lap.

Brendon is prepared to fight with them if they ask him to move or leave. Luckily, they don’t bother. The paramedics are satisfied with the position you’re in, since it’s safe and they can still work on you. Plus they obviously recognize it’s Brendon Urie, and you, his girlfriend. They weren’t going to mess with him.

They crouch down and start asking Brendon a barrage of questions. What the seizure looked like, how long it was… Occasionally Zach chimes in with an answer if Brendon is unsure. An oxygen mask is slipped onto your face.

“Does she take any daily medications?” They ask.

Brendon realizes that he knows you do, but he has no idea what it’s for. He never really asked about it because you never really talked about it. He always assumed that it was probably something simple like allergy or acne medication. You seemed perfectly healthy, so he had no reason to believe the medication you took was for a serious medical condition. Plus, he assumed you would say so if it was.

But you didn’t. So now, here you are, on the ground backstage in some arena, multiple borderline-panicked people looking on, Brendon crying above you, and just to top off the scene you’ve made, paramedics. Poor Brendon, he probably thinks you’re fucking dying. Brendon responds to the medics.

“Uh, um, yes, but I don’t–don’t know what it’s for.” He felt like an idiot.

“Did she take it today?” They ask, a logical train of thought.

“I didn’t–uh,” He glances up to Zach for help, but he doesn’t know either. You were always stealthy about taking it, so he wouldn’t know the answer regardless. “I don’t know, I’m not sure.”

Brendon feels like the least helpful piece of shit. This was the love of his life, and he is completely useless in a time where he is so desperately needed.

Your vision pulls out of the darkness slowly, like a sunrise. You hear voices miles away. You can’t focus your eyes, but you can make out a few figures above you. You realize they were touching you—two pairs of hands. You can’t speak or move, but the word “no” reverberates loudly in your mind.

What the hell is going on?  Stop touching me. Get away. Escape.

You feel some awareness entering your body and you begin to move. You try to pull your limbs out from under the touch of the strangers, but you felt so heavy.

Everyone looks down at you as you start to move for the first time since the paramedics had arrived. One of the paramedics tries to speak to you, but you still can’t hear.

There is something on my face. What is on my face? I am suffocating. I am dying. Get it off. Get it off now. 

You pick up you arm and your hand searches for your mouth. Your limp hand lands heavily on the side of a large hunk of plastic. You feel hands trying to prevent you from moving it, but you whimper and pull your head away in protest. You continue the backward momentum of your elbow to drag the suffocating device onto your cheek.

“Hey, hey,” Brendon calls to you, “It’s okay.” You still can’t hear anything. The paramedics and Zach are also trying to calm you, but you don’t hear them anyways. You don’t understand who these people are, and you certainly have no idea where you are. More desperate than ever, you attempt to kick your legs and squirm under their touch. The paramedics are explaining to everyone that this is normal behavior after a seizure.

Fight.

The more you try to get away, the stronger the contact on your body becomes. Sound is beginning to reach your ears. Now you could hear them talking, but it was too muffled to understand. Then, you hear it:

“Y/n,” one of the faces sang to you and the voice finally became clear. You still yourself. Brendon.

Your vision sharpens and you see him above you, upside down. What the… You realize he’s holding your frantic hands that were still clawing at the air. You stilled yourself and let your hands drift down to the ground on either side of you. Brendon realizes you can actually hear and see him.

“Y/n, it’s okay,” he says quickly now that he has your attention. He places a hand on your head, smoothing back some of the hair in your face. “You’re okay.”

“Hey, can you hear me?” An unfamiliar voice sounds. Your eyes shift over to the source of the sound, someone sitting very close to you, getting up in your face.  You don’t recognize the person, and it throws you into a panic again.

You jump up to sitting, scooting away.

“Easy sweetheart, easy,” Brendon tries, but you back up into him. You realize you’ve landed in his lap and attempt to hide away in his chest, clinging to the one thing you are sure is safe. He is warm and his familiar smell is like a sedative to you.

Brendon holds you and you hear him speak to you.

“You’re alright,” he says soothingly, “They’re just here to help you.”

You trust him and try to calm down. You panned your eyes across the people surrounding you, seeing two strangers and one familiar face. Your gaze pauses on him. You watch him and he tilts his head, looking at you. Zach.

“Hi Y/n,” He says gently with a sad smile. The strangers seemed to have learned the lesson that you needed space as they sat back, further away from you than before. One of them spoke again.

“Y/n,” The stranger began to explain slowly, “My name is Jamie and this is my partner Steve, we’re paramedics.”

You nodded, realizing you should probably demonstrate your understanding.

“You had a seizure just now,” Jamie said, “Has that ever happened to you before?”

You nod again. Brendon furrows his brow and looks to Zach. The boys exchange glances. Apparently this has happened to you before, and none of them knew anything about it.

“Okay, you have epilepsy?” He presumes. You nod.

“Do you take medication for that?” Jamie asked.

“Mhm.”

“Okay, what do you take?”

“Keppra, lamictal, sertraline, and tegretol,” you reply drowsily.

Brendon is dumbfounded as you list off all of your meds. How did he not know about such a severe medical condition? He felt like the worst boyfriend on the planet. He wonders why you didn’t tell him.

You take notice that Dallon, Dan and Kenny were also standing around you.

“Did you take those as usual today?” Jamie asks.

You shook your head, embarrassed by your failure to complete such an important and simple task.

You answer more of the paramedics questions and they take your vital signs.

The paramedics finish checking you out and you feel better, just very sleepy.

“Do you want to go to the hospital?” Jamie asked.

“No,” You replied simply with a fleeting sad smile.

“Baby, shouldn’t you go?” Brendon asks, concerned.

“Well, not really,” You explained. “It wasn’t a long seizure, I didn’t fall, I feel okay now, and I know I had it because I forgot my meds. There’s not really a point to going to the ER, there’s nothing they would do for me there.” Your explanation was completely rational, and the paramedics were nodding, agreeing with your reasoning.

Brendon looks at you dismayed, a little worried. You look up and give him a little smile, trying to show him it was really okay. Although, you realize he had absolutely no reason to trust you after the stunt you pulled just now.

You signed the forms the paramedics gave you and they packed up. You thanked them. Brendon did too, quite profusely.

They leave and you’re left in this awkward silence. You’re still sitting in Brendon’s lap, and the boys just standing around you.

Where do we go from here? You just dramatically unleashed this bombshell of a medical condition and scared everyone half to death. Everyone undoubtedly has a lot of questions. You’ve probably broken their trust, especially Brendon. Poor Brendon. All he’s ever done is love you to the end of the earth, and this is how you repay him? Keeping secrets and telling lies? The combination of guilt and throw up sat uncomfortably in your throat.

Dallon, being the dad as always, speaks up quietly.

“Do you want to go back to the bus, Y/n? Get some rest?”

“Yeah, that’d be good,” you reply.

Brendon slips out from underneath you and scoops you up in his arms. You could probably walk, but you don’t protest. Everyone proceeded in silence to the bus. You pretend to fall asleep, really not wanting to talk or explain yourself. Avoidance is your coping mechanism of choice for the time being.

Eventually you hear the familiar sound of the bus door being pulled open. Soon Brendon is placing you down onto a bunk, an extra pair of hands guiding your head onto a pillow.

“Thanks,” Brendon says.

“Yep,” you hear Dallon respond.

One of them exits the bunk area while one of them climbs in next to you pulling the covers over you both. Brendon’s scent surrounds you and you feel his arms wrap you up. He’s still kind of sweaty and gross from the show, but you don’t mind and find it oddly comforting.

“She asleep?” You hear Zach in the kitchen area of the bus ask quietly.

“Yeah,” Dallon replies.

“Jesus Christ,” Kenny sighs. You hear each of them plop down on various couches an chairs.

“Poor thing,” Dan adds.

No. This is exactly what you wanted to avoid. Pity. Worry. Awkwardness. You wince to yourself in disappointment. Dammit.

They go quiet, probably getting on their phones and laptops for a while. They’re never tired this early, so usually they hang out for a while like that.

Your thoughts swirl. You will have to explain this to everyone in the morning. If you even wake up, that is. You could just die in your sleep, who knows. At least you wouldn’t have to talk to them. You scold yourself for having that thought.

You’re so tired, but you feel guilt climbing up your throat still. Brendon shifts beside you with a small sigh, clearly awake. He’s stroking your hair, assuming that you’re asleep. Your anxiety runs wild.

You’re a horrible person. You keep secrets. You don’t deserve Brendon. You put yourself in danger. You scared everyone. Brendon is definitely mad you didn’t tell him. You had your seizures so well controlled and you fucked it all up. God, why are you so stupid?

Your eyes water, filling to the brim until droplets fall heavily onto the pillow. You try desperately to hold it together. You want to breathe but you know you’ll fall apart if you do. You can’t hold your breath any longer and try to inhale delicately, and it’s only a bit uneven. But when you exhale, you are wracked with sobs that make you shake, but you stay silent.

Brendon immediately props himself up on his elbows, worried that your trembling body might be having another seizure. He’s ready to scream to the boys for help again but you let out a little sobbing sound. He gently encourages you to roll over with his hand just to make sure, and he can make out your crying face in the low lighting.

He lays back down and tries to pull you closer. You whimper and resist.

You don’t deserve his affection. You’re a terrible girlfriend and a terrible person.

“Baby,” He whispers simply and pulls you again.

“No,” you whisper back, your lip trembling. He responds only by pulling you a bit more strongly. God, he knows exactly what you need before you even do. You give in completely, latching onto him, even wrapping a leg over him.

“It’s okay,” he says. You realize he’s basically giving permission for you to cry. So you do.

You cry so hard and so loudly, you’re sure the boys can hear you, but you just can’t help it. You bury your face in Brendon’s chest, attempting to dampen the sound.

You don’t know it, but you’re right about the boys hearing you. They all look up at each other and exchange looks. You were like a sister to them and it pained them to hear you so upset. Since Brendon’s is taking care of you, they silently agree that it would be best to leave and give you some privacy. You hear the door to the bus creak open again as they all exit. They uber to an IHOP. You are very appreciative, just wanting to be alone with Brendon.

“I’m sorry,” you got out between sobs, “I’m s-so s-sorry.”

“Baby, it’s alright,” he replies soothingly.

“No, it’s not,” you shake. “It’s not, it’s not,” You continue mindlessly.

“Y/n,” Brendon tries, but you interrupt.

“I’m so sorry Bren,” you repeat, “I’m a terrible p-person. Why?” you questioned yourself aloud, becoming more upset, “Why am I such a terrible person?”

“Y/n, look at me,” Brendon says. You don’t reply. “Y/n, look at me, baby,” he repeats, placing a finger under your chin. Your head emerges from his chest and you look up at him, trying to quiet yourself as much as you can. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” He says slowly, “And I love you so much.”

“I should have told you,” you cried, “I lied to you. I’m stupid and I’m broken. You deserve better than this–than me.”

“Y/n, don’t you ever say that,” Brendon replies seriously, gazing at you with those beautiful eyes, now glistening with tears. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t care that you have epilepsy. I don’t care that you didn’t tell me.” He sniffles. “It doesn’t change a thing. I love you so much.” A tear fell from his eyes.

“You’re, you’re not mad?” You stuttered.

“No,” he gushed, “No baby not at all. I’m just glad you’re okay.” He wiped away your tears that were dripping sideways across your face. “But why didn’t you tell me?” He asked sweetly.

“I just, I didn’t... I don’t want to be different. I want to be okay, like everyone else. I didn’t want you to treat me any differently,” you continued to cry. “I hadn’t had a seizure in so long and I felt like I had a fresh start with you and I could leave it all behind. But now I screwed it all up.”

“You didn’t screw anything up baby, and this doesn’t change anything,” He reassured you, “We’re going to get through this, together. You are perfect.”

“I haven’t had a seizure in so long,” you’re tone changing, now upset about the seizure, “I thought I was better. But tonight,” you pause, “Tonight I felt it coming and I was so scared and then you weren’t there anymore, I couldn’t see and then you were gone–and I was gone–and I then I didn’t know what was happening and I was so scared, Bren.” You spoke a mile a minute and shook, crying harder, recounting the traumatic experience.

“Shhhh,” Brendon stroked your arm. “I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere, okay?” You nod and hold him tighter. “You’re safe, Y/n.”

You take a deep breath and gather yourself. “Brendon, I don’t want you to treat me like I’m weak or sick. I’m the same person I was before tonight.” He nods at you and you continue. “You don’t have to worry about me like I’m a child.”

“I know y/n,” he says with a small smile. “But I want you to be more open with me if you’re not feeling well, okay?”

“I will, I promise,” you say honestly. “I love you so much, Bren.”

“I love you too, Y/n,” He replied, “Get some sleep, okay?”

You nuzzle into him with a sigh and fall fast asleep.

A/N: I hope you liked it. Let me know what you think with a comment or ask if you want! I love feedback. Please like/reblog if you’re feelin it!

Read chapter 2 here: https://iwriteficsnottragediesladies.tumblr.com/post/162375567733/search-and-seizure-pt-2

[albionjake]

My Top 20 EastEnders Characters Of All Time

Yes this is happening.

I love EastEnders. Everything about it really. I think it’s responsible for some of the greatest characters ever created on TV. Also some of the absolute worst but we’re not here to talk about those! (Looking at you, The Ferreiras) I have come up with a (questionable) list of my favourite 20 EastEnders characters. My criteria? I think longevity is a big plus. The more time I spend with these characters, the more fond I’ve become of them I guess? I also tried not to be blinded by nostalgia... People tend to forget that Michelle Fowler was only in EastEnders for 10 years, to put that in context: Lauren Branning has now been a character for 11 years... It’s the same for many EastEnders ‘legends’. Den and Ange were only really around for 4 years or so... So I’ve been wary of filling the list with a load of pre-2000 people. Jamie Mitchell, you were handsome but you’ve not made the cut.

ANYWAY. Time for a bloody list.

20. Carol Jackson I originally had Sonia here but then I remembered her old mum and changed my mind. Sorry Sonia, you can have the non-existent number 21 spot. Always the bridesmaid. Carol Jackson is an interesting one because she spent so much of her time being a mopey, moaning old cow but when it mattered she showed so much heart and realness that it has to be commended. Lindsay Coulson is one of the best actresses the show has ever seen and made Carol into the most sympathetic of characters. Carol was more like a real person than most characters on the show and I found it refreshing. She’s also the mother of three genuine EastEnders legends (Sonia, Robbie, Bianca) and has so many strong links to the Square. I think it’s a real shame that she’s gone and I really hope she returns one day.

19. Tamwar Masood This seems an odd placing, I know. But I feel Tamwar represents a side of the show that is a little unrepresented in this list. Comedy. Yeah sure, some of the comedy in the show is a little heavy handed (the wonderful Kim Fox, for example) but there are some characters that are so wonderfully, subtly funny and Tamwar was certainly one of those. He was on the show for 9 years and was such a great presence to have around. Always there with a deadpan, sarcastic comment. He wasn’t involved in many memorable storylines (his whole wedding storyline was a waste of time, in my opinion) but now that he’s gone, I really miss him. The Masoods in general were absolutely brilliant and I’d love to see a return for them, if not the whole family then at least more Tamwar.

18. Billy Mitchell Yeah that’s right, I refuse to ignore the runt of the Mitchell litter. I love Billy. I think he’s another very realistic and believable character. He’s so loveable and kind, completely different to who he was when he was first introduced. A perfect example of a character growing into something more. He’s always there to help the Mitchells, no matter how horrible they are to him. His relationships with characters are always so heartfelt and believable too. His granddaughter Lola, his ex-wife Little Mo, his wife Honey, his kids, Jay, Roxy, Pam and Les and even Jamie Mitchell in the end. All really lovely relationships to have watched over the years and all down to how bloody great Billy Mitchell is. May he remain in the Square for decades to come.

17. Shirley Carter She feels like a fairly new character but she’s been on the show for over 10 years now. In her own right, she was brilliant but since her family joined she’s been a pretty unstoppable EastEnders force. Her initial Phil romance and all that came with it was brilliant and her friendship with Heather was one of the best the show has seen, along with her relationship with Ben. But since Mick and his family arrived, things have got incredibly interesting for Shirley. She’s now the matriarch of a whole family. So many new relationships and dynamics and still so many more places to go as a character. She’s grumpy, funny, nasty, bad tempered but ultimately very good hearted. Characteristics we may see again a bit further up this list. Shirley is the sort of character that EastEnders will always work well with. She couldn’t be more perfect for Albert Square.

16. Jay Brown/Mitchell I want to put him higher but I need to be honest with myself and admit Jay hasn’t exactly been at the forefront of EastEnders classic storylines or anything. I just really bloody like him. Yes, I fancy him a bit too. Ultimately, I just like him a lot. I think he’s a lovely character, the sort of character I hate seeing bad things happen to. His tragic early years with his dad’s death still feel very raw and I feel protective over him. The way the Mitchell’s made him one of their own was a brilliant idea and his relationship with Phil, Billy and Ben have all been a joy to watch. I really hope the show gives him more to play with because wasting such a wonderful little character would be a shame.

15. Den Watts Yeah that’s right. I’ve put Dirty Den here. Why? Because overall he’s only spent about 7 years on the show. His first stint is undeniably iconic. He was the first big character the show ever had. He was the reason that 30 million people tuned in on Christmas Day in 1986 when the show wasn’t even two years old. He was the first landlord of the Queen Vic. He was in the first scene and said the first words. But he wasn’t around for long. By 1989 he was floating in the Thames. Then it was 2003 and he was ‘back from the dead’. That whole return was a waste of time. Yes it gave us the brilliant Chrissie Watts and a few other great moments but ultimately it just soured the memory of who Den was before. He’ll always be iconic to the show but he’s not too high on my list.

14. Bianca Jackson Some may be surprised at how high this is but the woman is an absolute legend. Her friendship with Tiffany was one of the great EastEnders friendships, something the show often does very well indeed. Her affair with her mum’s husband Dan was gripping. Her relationship with Ricky was utterly iconic. She has links to a lot of the greatest characters the show has seen which makes her pretty important all round. Her horrible clothes, her gaggle of children, her brash personality, all of it is bloody wonderful. I can’t imagine we’ve seen the last of her and I hope she comes back soon.

13. Grant Mitchell Lower than many EastEnders fans would put him but Grant isn’t what he once was. Sure, he’s got bags of charisma and has had some of the greatest storylines the show has ever seen. He’s also one half of the most iconic brothers in TV history. His whole family is (in my opinion) the best EastEnders has seen or will see. But Grant keeps coming and going and I think it’s damaging his legacy. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for bringing Grant back but please can we have him for a couple of years rather than a few months! It’s such a shame when he just pops back for a bit to remind us of his potential and then just leaves again. I understand that Ross Kemp isn’t interested in a full time return and that’s a real shame but maybe then we should just say goodbye to him for good?

12. Sharon Mitchell/Watts I know, I know, I know. The way I go on about her, you’d expect Sharon to at least have made the top 5... But the reason I love Sharon so much is that she is a bit shit. She’s been a character since the very first episode and has never gone away long enough for a return to feel like too much. Her initial return in 2001 is one of the most iconically camp moments ever. Everything Sharon does is camp. She’s like a lowkey drag queen. I love every Dynesty-esque look, every flutter of the eyelid, every pout and every black outfit. She’s completely ridiculous and annoying but she’s a complete legend and I love her.

11. Ian Beale I know, that’s three real legends in a row now. It’s just... Ian is Ian isn’t he. He’s never going to set our worlds on fire but he’s fucking Ian Beale and he’s been with us since 1985. He’s the annoying little brother we’ve all grown to love(ish) after 30 years. We’ve seen Ian go through all sorts of things and he really has been at the centre of some of the biggest storylines. His marriage to Cindy was truly delightful and his breakdown over the death of his daughter Lucy was incredible. I maintain that Adam Woodyatt’s live acting on the special episode was Oscar worthy. Ian is a legend and he’ll hopefully be there until he’s very old.

10. Ben Mitchell Look, I’m aware that he’s pretty annoying. But what a character. Why do I love Ben? I find his weird personality very funny. He’s always been weird in a variety of ways and I’ve enjoyed them all. His daddy issues have never felt forced. Anyone with Phil as a father would have issues, particularly if they were gay so everything about Ben makes perfect sense to me. Also, we’ve known Ben since he was born. We saw his mum meet his dad, his mum discover she was pregnant, him being born, him contracting meningitis giving him impaired hearing. We only missed 7 years of his life when he went to South Africa with Kathy so we know him so well. I’ve loved pretty much all of his storylines and I hope Ben sticks around ages longer. I must say, I do hope he goes off the rails again soon, I wouldn’t want him to be normal for too long.

9. Frank Butcher A legend if ever there was one. It’s such a shame that Mike Reid died at the relatively young age of 67. It would have been great to see a bit more of Frank. Frank Butcher truly embodies EastEnders, in the same way Alfie and Mick (neither of whom have made this list) have done since. Proper EastEnd wide boys are a staple of the show and you’ll never get a better one than Frank. His relationship with Pat is one of the most famous in British television and the scene where he wore nothing but a spinning bowtie is one of the show’s most iconic. Three of his strongest connections on the show were to characters that that are yet to come on this list which is probably the reason he’s featured so high, I associate him with the best. He was loud, funny and sometimes utterly heartbreaking. I miss him.

8. Max Branning A higher placing than I expected for Max but I think it’s warranted. He’s an absolutely brilliant character. He’s so charismatic, he’s funny, he’s charming, he’s sneaky, he’s frustrating, he’s clever, he’s a hero, he’s a villain and he’s one of the show’s greatest ever characters. His marriage to Tanya was always brilliant viewing, I still hold out hope that we’ll see a return to those days. The affair storyline with Stacey is obviously up there with the greatest. His two daughters are also fantastic characters in their own right with so many layers. The show is always a better place with Max around and I’d love to see a proper return for the Max Branning we know and love. I want him back with Tanya, with a good relationship with his girls and a nice strong base in the Square.

7. Stacey Slater/Fowler I adore Stacey. I think she’s just absolutely bloody fantastic. I want her to my friend. When she first arrived, it felt like one Slater too many seeing as the family were taking up every storyline going but how wrong I was. Stacey Slater is the best thing about EastEnders right now and she’s not even got a storyline. I just love having her around. Her relationship with Martin has gone from something that felt a bit weird to something that feels entirely right. The way she talks him down from his crazy parenting habits is always such a joy to watch and the way she’s always such a great step mum to Bex is delightful. I obviously loved her affair with Max and now I love their friendship. I love her relationship with Kat and the way she isn’t afraid to kick off. Her mental health storylines have always been compelling and Lacey Turner is just one of the best actresses on British TV.

6. Pat Butcher/Evans This is getting very difficult now. The top 6 really are in a different league for me. Pat Butcher is one of the absolute best. She is almost THE icon of EastEnders. She was an ex-prostitute with a heart of gold and a vicious tongue. Her and Frank were the (pearly) King and Queen of the show for many years. Pat was related to so many fantastic characters over the years and had friendships with anyone that mattered. Her relationship with step-daughter Janine was always brilliant to watch. She was always there for her granddaughter Bianca and all her kids. She was a great enemy and eventual best friend to Peggy. Pat Butcher was so many things to so many people. She had the most iconic look with the huge earrings, loud shirts and too much makeup. Her death came far too soon but was incredibly moving to watch. It’s a shame she’s gone. Would be great to have had her around the past few years.

5. Peggy Mitchell The best woman that ever owned the Queen Vic. Yeah sure, Angie was iconic. Pat looked very at home there. Kat couldn’t have been a better fit. Linda is doing a brilliant job. But Peggy is the true landlady of the Queen Vic. “Get out of my pub” is all you need to say to realise that she’ll forever own that place in a way. Peggy was such a tiny little ball of fury and passion. The Mitchell’s are my favourite family by far (there are 6 people with that surname on this list) and she was the undisputed head of that family. Peggy with her two boys, Phil and Grant, will always be the most iconic soap family. She had some incredible storylines and Barbara Windsor gave some wonderful performances. Her one downfall might be the amount of time she actually spent on the Square. She went on breaks fairly often and I always feel like that ruins the characters momentum a little bit. Saying that, her return for her death really was beautiful. I’ve cried multiple times at the scene where Phil reads her letter to him after she’s gone. I think the nation felt the pain at Peggy’s loss as much as the characters did. 4. Kat Slater/Moon What a character. She’s the newest character in the top 5 but has managed almost 17 years! I suppose there was a 5 year break but I don’t think it did much to slow her down. Kat is such a brilliantly complicated character. Viewers loved her and the whole Slater family pretty much as soon as they arrived and Kat was immediately the stand out member. She’s loud, loveable, nasty, compassionate, funny, emotionally draining and much more. She really has got it all. Her Zoe storyline came so soon into their arrival that it gave us an understanding of Kat’s past straight away. It was a brilliant way of giving an explanation of Kat and that little girl who was abused is constantly visible in the character. Her relationship with Alfie is one of the most beautiful on the show. Her relationship with Stacey is a joy. She’s now got a load of kids who will hopefully grow up into great characters in their own right and have Kat as an old EastEnders matriarch figure. She had a great friendship with Bianca that couldn’t have felt more right and she’s had so many fantastic enemies over the years too. You’re never bored when Kat is around and I really hope she returns soon because I miss her terribly. No more RedWater please! Just Kat in the Square. 3. Phil Mitchell The top dog of the Mitchell family has to come highest really. He might not be as likeable as the previous Mitchells listed but he really is the best. He’s had more storylines than most of this list and has spent so much time actually on the show. A good handful of these characters have had loads of extended breaks but Phil really hasn’t. He’s just got back from a break but is already in full Phil Mitchell mode. Phil is best when he’s tearing the Square apart and putting people in their place and it’s great to have him back. This list is full of names that have strong links to Phil: Peggy, Grant, Ben, Sharon, Ian, Billy, Jay, Shirley. It really is testament to what a brilliant character he is. Back in the day, it was Grant who was everyone’s favourite. Grant had all the storylines and Phil was his softer and slightly more boring brother but once Grant was gone, Phil very quickly took over. The ‘Who Shot Phil’ storyline was one of the show’s most iconic. His relationships are always great, even if it is sometimes unbelievable that quite so many beautiful women would fall for him. His rivalry with Ian is one of my favourite long standing strands in the show too. Then you’ve got his two kids Ben and Louise, both great characters in their own rights now who will hopefully be around for a lot longer. He recently had another son with Denise who I’m sure will pop up 15 years or so down the line if the Mitchell’s are still a thing by then. The best thing about Phil is how flawed he is. He’s been a nasty piece of work and will probably continue to be in the future but it’s played so well that you can never properly hate Phil. Everything he does makes sense in his world and the viewers always understand where Phil is coming from, even when they disagree with him. He’s a very special character that Steve McFadden should be proud of. 2. Dot Cotton/Branning The face of EastEnders. Fair enough, Dot’s storylines these days (and most of her history, really) isn’t as exciting as most others on this list but it really doesn’t matter. The character work that has been done on Dot over the years is second to none. EastEnders fans love this woman from the bottom of their hearts and that’s down to how she’s been written for all these years. She’s an incredible character. She’s the only character that’s done a single handed episode. One whole episode with only Dot in it. Dot’s history is so rich and so full of heartbreak but also full of love and happiness. A simple storyline like Abi moving out of Dots comes with such huge emotion and that’s because she’s leaving Dot alone. Anyone but Dot and it wouldn’t have had half the impact. We care about Dot as if she was our own grandma and I can’t think of many characters I can say that about. She’s also so funny. It’s easy to think of Dot as a tragic character after all that’s happened to her and the losses she’s suffered but it’s just as easy to think of her as a comic character. June Brown has always played both sides to perfection. We love Dot whether she’s feeling sorry for herself on her own or being a busy body in the Vic drinking her tomato juice (or sherry at Christmas of course). Dot is an icon if ever there was one and it’s going to be an unbearably sad day when she leaves us. 1. Janine Butcher Yeah yeah yeah, I’m aware that the 5 people above Janine have a much stronger case for being proper EastEnders legends. But come on… Janine is such a force of nature when she turns up, it’s impossible for me to choose anyone else. I’ll admit, I’m pretty obsessed with Janine. I find her completely captivating. She’s so completely evil but then she shows you that tiny glimpse of good in her and you’re right back on her side. She couldn’t be more manipulative, for the characters or the viewers. Obviously the moment you think of when you think of Janine is pushing Barry down the cliff (“If only he’d worn slip on shoes”). She’s manipulated so many people over the years that it’s amazing she’s never been the subject of a whodunnit, hopefully she’ll return one day for that. Although not a murder whodunnit, I want Janine making people’s lives a misery for many years to come. Then there’s the soft side. We often saw the soft side with her beloved dad Frank. We also sometimes saw it between her and different men in her life but never for long. The person I remember most fondly for bringing out Janine’s soft side is Pat. Janine and Pat’s relationship was one of the most hate-filled yet love-filled I’ve seen. When Pat was dying, it was Janine that made me cry most. Seeing Janine so sad about losing someone was too much for me. I have such a great fondness for every side of Janine. I really really really hope Charlie Brooks decides one day that it’s time for Janine to come back because I can’t imagine a year goes by without EastEnders giving her a call. If she never returns though, I wouldn’t mind too much. That final scene when she’s in the airport after murdering Michael and someone asks her what she’s been up to: “Oh you know, just getting away with murder”. OH MY GOODNESS. What a line. What a woman. What a character. Please let her come back soon.

[bodega-daydream]

June 23, 2020

it started off with me at school with TJ again. It must have been setting up dorms and going to gym class or something on the first day. A group of us were trying to get to the same room but you apparently had to take a bus to get there but no one else realized. TJ drive is in his car and he was so good at reversing.  Then we entered into this museum/shop? A bunch of us had made it here and were trying on all these clothes and playing instruments. David Mitchell was a classmate and making jokes about the harpsichord. The owner wanted us out.

Then later in the dream I was on this house. It was kind of a spooky house where I was maybe a guest of a small Korean family. There were a few ground workers and a cook and etc. but they were kind of really weird. But as we were staying there I think alone, the workers started disappearing one by one. We realized they were being killed off and that it was only a matter of time before it was us. But then the family got home and I was relieved until I realized it was the mother and the daughter that were killing everyone. The son and husband were ‘gone’ and the mom and daughter had a visiting masseuse and I had to pretend like I didn’t know they were the murders but I also wasn’t allowed in that room so I couldn’t tell if they were killing the masseuse or coming for me.

Then in a different part of the dream, I was driving one of those hideous cube cars they used to make. I had an orange one just like David S used to have. I needed to get film for something to record it properly so I pulled into a gas station that was absolutely packed with suvs. A warning ringing in my ears from my mom telling me to make sure the windows are up or thieves will get stuff while I’m in the store. But I’m like I’ll only be a minute it’ll be fine. I’m parked in a weird spot behind this family and we both get out. The little girl also wants to prove to me that they don’t sell film in a gas station. The parking lot has cleared out some hour and we walked to the clerk at the back of the store where the little girl smugly asks for film. And then I ask for disposable cameras and they have them but they’re just VHS tapes with limited film on them you can use. They all vary, 1,3,5,7, or 8 shots. So I go with 5, and ask the girl what she wants, my treat. She picked the 3 shot camera but for some reason we decided not to get them. As it turns out, the FBI was monitoring these sales bc it isn’t the vender they want, it’s whoever records over the film that’s getting a huge fine as if that were obvious. We go outside and someone has stolen my car. I was baffled bc I had my keys with me so how could they have even. But everything I owned was in there and I just lost it all. Then it gets weird bc some very controlling and violent guy has authority over me and a male friend that idr who. But we have to be very very obedient or hell kill us. So this captor somehow makes me an entire wardrobe of new leather clothes that actually look very nice. They’re all the same so it would look like the same outfit everyday but still. Idk I think I upset him somehow bc I was trying to be extra cautious. Then the girlfriend was there and we were at their mansion now and I had to do everything she wanted. I was trying to get away to text 911, but they call you right after you text so I had to be somewhere on my own. I was trying to be buddy buddy with these people (the guy was now lil whiny spoiled Justin Bieber) but she got the great idea to give me a haircut and I really really didn’t want this. But trying to get a solid moment to call for help, I was like okay go get the scissors. And then they talked about bleaching my hair and I was like nooo let’s not do this and on my way into the living room where they were looking for pics and bleach, I called 911. I just had to swipe to confirm a request but the girl saw me do something and got suspicious so I quickly agreed to the bleaching. So then Justin starts bleaching just the tips of my hair which isn’t so bad but still. He’s being a baby about it. But then inside the mom was like someone tried to get out by hiding this soap from the goodie bags. They were framing me and I already felt guilty for calling 911 (they were 15mins out). I was like I don’t know what soap you’re talking about, I’m not sure where you found it, and I didn’t even get a goodie bag so how could I have done it. But then the ambulance arrived but it was just some regular clothed red head lady driving this wild looking purple hot rod car that had led scrolling text lights on it reading ambulance info on it.  I ran and just about made it in when a sister ambulance showed up on the moms side but this car was a wild looking taxi (in that it was yellow and had the checkers on the side but nothing else looked like a taxi). I threw water on that driver and we sped off. We drove into a store in the mall but I was sure the ppl working there were spies to report on me so I got into a disguise and went to a different underground store. I looked very different and they thought I’d be safe there but I’ve recognized the leatherworker has Bieber’s guy and knew we were fucked. I went into the next room and tried to put a face mask on to hide my identity but that didn’t do shit and they showed up to get me. They lit a bomb on top of the stairs and I pushed a kid down the stairs bc he wasn’t moving fast enough away from it he was ok. But then I got into the back seat of a getaway car and it was Kevin Hart and Ice Cube in the front yelling at me to use the other door and stop making me friend move to the next seat lol but I was still on the run at this mall but I had these guys helping me out. We stopped to look at clothes but then they caught up with us and I alone ran to hide behind a rack of belts lol this new woman finds me and I’m cornered but idk nothing really happens lol but then I keep picking out clothes with these dudes who are just 2 random black dudes now. But then dan fethke is there and he’s all sad boi bc idk is the anniversary of some death in the family. It’s been years and I’m like how many years until it’s okay to stop mourning this loss and he gave me 3 dollars as a wager he would stop this year.

[zillowcondo]

10 Tips to Evolve Into Your Signature Style

Our signature style is quite personal as it reveals to the world multiple layers of information about who we are, what we value, what frustrates us, what we are confident about, and I believe what we understand about ourselves physically.

Over the past two years, my attention to my own personal signature style has shifted as evident by fewer posts on this topic. But while fewer posts have been created, it hasn’t been because I wasn’t interested in the topic. Initially, I wasn’t sure what it meant. Lately, as I was contemplating my summer essentials (and shared a few ideas I was drawn to here), I have come to understand that my signature style has been evolving, and it needed time to find its bearings due in some part to how much my life has shifted. This, I have found, to be something to celebrate.

Part of the reason my attention has shifted from my clothing was that I have been trying to tap into and cultivate other details of my life and ensure they were indicative of my truest self: a daily routine I enjoyed but enabled me to be productive and healthy in my new hometown, caring for my skin and hair in a far drier environment than I have ever lived before (great shifts have occurred in both of these areas), diving head-first into eating well and becoming more confident in the kitchen (as you can see here, far more recipes (34!) have been posted in the past 24 months) as I now have endless food options at my fingertips and investing in personal relationships even more deeply as I continue to strive for a balance between work and play.

Over the past weekend, I went through my closet for the second time in the past two years. What occurred this time was a simpler purge, but it was indeed a purge. However, the decisions were simpler, and in less than an hour I had my closet reorganized with 20-30 fewer clothing items and two fewer pairs of shoes. And none of the items pained me to let go. Why was this so? I certainly hadn’t lost weight. In fact, the five to ten pounds I have been wanting to let go for two years now has shifted into muscle as I workout far more than I ever had upon moving to Bend, and while I eat healthily, I don’t deprive myself.

Truthfully, I have begun to feel more comfortable in my own skin, bien dans sa peau or translated “well in one’s skin”. No, I am not going to fit into size four jeans at the moment as I once had and cheered about; however, now I find myself cheering for more substantive details throughout my days even though I wouldn’t turn down an opportunity to do a happy dance around the house in size 4 anything, don’t get me wrong. But it would. E a secondary effect caused by even better life changes and focuses. Do I want to remain svelte? Absolutely. But I also want to enjoy my days, the people I dine with and the time in the kitchen or the restaurants that offer such bountiful seasonal dishes. My body is stronger, my mind is clearer, as well I am always trying to improve the quality of food I eat on a daily basis which is why I recently purchased a vegetable spiralizer (for fewer than $20). This recipe was recently made for me by a dear friend’s daughter, and she immediately sold me on the idea of welcoming a new gadget into my kitchen.

But back to the style quotient. Feeling good in one’s clothes begins with feeling good in one’s skin. I have had months in the past which due to an excessively busy schedule and stress hinderd good eating habits (turning down a donut from a thoughtful colleague in the middle of an exhaustive week at work when all you want to do is be on the weekend already is hard). And in these times after enjoying the temporary sugar high, I immediately feel uncomfortable in my skin. It truly does come down to willpower, and the fact is, willpower is finite. When we run low on energy, we run low on willpower and we tend to make choices we normally wouldn’t have made if our willpower was recharged and rested.

But the truth is I love style.  I love communicating with my clothing. I respect the power of a well-chosen ensemble, no matter how seemingly simple it appears. Often in such a case, great mastery is revealing itself.

And while I don’t believe we should live our lives so we can fit into our favorite clothes; I do believe, at least what I have found during these past 24 months to be what’s best for me, that if you are living well, the clothes you wear exhibit this fact of your life.

So how can each of us live well thus enabling us each to make savvy sartorial decisions as we curate our signature style, a signature style we love?

First, get real with yourself. Be honest. So long as you hold on to clothes you will never wear, whether they fit or not, you are hindering yourself from true growth. Not only growth with regards to your signature style, but the life you are living and want to live. Step into your closet and begin to pull everything out (I share a detailed approach to organizing your clothing closet here).

As I made my list of items I needed to add or update, I found the list to be rather short which was greatly satisfying but quite a change from past clean-outs, and I pondered as to the reason why.

Aha! Over time, I had indeed welcomed into my closet items that were highly versatile, well made and classic in design as to be able to span many years – the simply luxurious approach! But it indeed took time. Cultivating such a wardrobe that is highly versatile and interchangeable, as well as, and most importantly, tailored to me individually, takes time. And regular attention: I noticed my favorite nude pointed toe pumps needed an update after four years of wear and tear (I love and wear them constantly to work – am looking at these as the replacement), and as such this was one item that needed to be replaced.

Let’s talk about 10 ways you can allow your signature style to evolve as you grow and settle into a life you love.

1. Forget the size

In one brand I am a medium and another for the same type of item, I am a small. As this is the case, especially if you are ordering on-line, order at least two different sizes, have them ship it to you, try it on in your own home, and ship back (you can usually do this for free) the size that didn’t work. I have been hesitant to do this only because I don’t want to pay upfront for two items, but in the long wrong, it’s not an issue as a full refund is given, and you are assured the item that fits you the best.

2. Wear what you love

I love v-neck tops. Crewnecks do no favors for someone like myself who has broad shoulders (if I could count on my fingers how many times strangers have asked if I am a swimmer or was one in the past, I would need 10 hands at least! P.S. I am not a swimmer). I have unconsciously forgotten this fact from time to time when I have purchased sweaters. Those sweaters are no longer in my closet, and v-necks are my must-have choice.

Similarly with denim. I love it. My life in Bend makes it easy to wear it all the time; however, I always want to dress it up or at least have that option. So I purchase well and have tops and layers that work well for more casual and semi-professional outings (blazers, camisoles, silk blouses, heels, etc.)

3. Invest in classic items and make them your own

Fashion trends and seasonal events can attempt to lure us away from what we know works well year after year, but classic works for a reason. For example, I have a classic short dark denim jacket that I layer over everything in the summer. The dress, jumpsuit or top I layer it over may change, but that jacket has been with me for at least four or five years. It never goes out of style (you can see it here).

3. Understand which silhouettes are your friend

Knowing your shape and then dressing it well will reduce the amount of decisions to make when perusing a clothing boutique in person or on-line. As I shared in 2012, there are 10 Style Commandments that will keep you dressing well for your body and happy in what you choose.

4. Stock up on Spanx

Some love, others not so much the power of Spanx, but as someone who enjoys the pencil skirt silhouette as well as the body-con midi dress, Spanx eases my mind and allow me to wear what I love. And that is ultimately what Spanx or any similar undergarment that smooths your shapes should do, enable you to wear what you love and feel good doing so. The Thinstincts mid-thigh shorts are what I am currently using as they are made for long days and are very breathable.

5. Invest in good grooming (skin, body, hair)

As I mentioned above, I have been focusing heavily on my hair and skin these past two years as I adjusted to my new environment, and while I never neglected them before, far from it, having skin that glows and hair that shines and is style in such a way that works well with your lifestyle and facial structure elevates the entire wardrobe and thus the woman pulling it all together.

I find that a woman, or a man, who is well-groomed (not overly so) who is merely wearing a simple classic item or two, finished with well made shoes and a handbag that works and complements but doesn’t brag is the most attractive signature style. And it is the person’s overall health, glow and appearance in the clothes that completes the look.

6. Well-Made Accessories

From the handbag, to your shoes, choose well and choose less. The cost per wear model certainly comes into play as you approach shopping for these items.

7. Repeated Use – Do It

Upon finding these medium-size hoop earrings and these boyfriend jeans, I find myself wearing the earrings with nearly everything and the jeans more than a few times a week. They work. They are versatile and can be dressed up or down.

8. Slow and Steady

Gradually add the items you need as you find what you love. Have patience and don’t feel you have to look “perfect” each time you pull an outfit together. What makes it ideal is the woman who wears it. What is your mood, are you enthusiastic about what you are doing? Are you happy with the life you are living? Clothing is fun, but it is an accessory to the life we are building for ourselves. We should recognize and respect its power, because it truly is powerful for good progress in our lives if we know how to use it effectively, but choose to see building your signature style as a journey, just as life is. And as you toss out the bright boisterous colors and replace them with neutrals, perhaps it’s because you no longer need your clothes to do the talking and the woman is finally ready to step into her own without hesitation.

9. Limit Bargain Hunting

As stylist Tiffani Rogers shared in her post about Outlet Shops, there is a reason items cost so little at outlet malls. Since you are purchasing fewer items, remind yourself that the material as well as the skill used to craft the item are worth investing in. Return to brands that offer quality, and don’t feel you have to explore other labels to mix it up. If you have favorite brands that you love (for me: Theory, Equipment, Le Frame, just to name a few – shop TSLL Shop for my favorite essential items), return to them as needed. However, this doesn’t include consignment. Consignment is the perfect addition to your shopping repertoire as it offers brands that will last.

10. Keep It Simple

#7 plays beautifully into the final point. Make your wardrobe a simple affair you tend to each day. As many beautiful, unique items that are available to purchase, I have learned by experience, they don’t need to be in our closets to appreciate them. Instead, purchase the white button up shirt, make sure your hair is coiffed as you like it, love your skin and let it shine with just enough makeup to look effortlessly stunning, pull on the denim jeans or tailored pants that create a beautiful silhouette, select shoes you love, slip your favorite simple earrings into your ear lobes and sling your handbag made by a designer who doesn’t need to put their label everywhere on the outside onto your arm. Voilà!

When you step into a style that works for you, the feeling is electrifying, and when you feel good in your skin, it doesn’t matter what clothes you are wearing, you simply feel good. That is the goal.

So today, ask yourself how your closet is working for you. How many times do you walk inside or open the closet door and see a multitude of items but only one or two viable options? Paradoxically, the trick is to eliminate, reduce the number of items and add items just enough items that you are excited to wear and can work with with at least two different items already in your closet. When this is achieved, all you will need to do is maintain. Assess one or two times a year, make your list and little by little evolve ever closer to the signature style that best aligns with who you are and whom you wish to become.

“Clothes aren’t going to change the world. The women who wear them will.” —Anne Klein

  ~View more Signature Style posts here.

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