#the Duncans used it to further excuse the abuse

[vampireninjabunnies-blog]

Answer in the tags

When is your OCs birthday?

When is their S/Os birthday? If they don't have a canon birthday when do you HC their birthday?

Esther's birthday is March 20th

First day of Spring

John's birthday is October 31st

Autumn baby

[vasiktomis]

My theory on John’s SLOTH scar, and his copycat habits, because it’s 2:30am and I’m a stupid bitch.

Many of John’s habits are in mimicry of his adoptive parents; obsession with confession, sin and purging sin, and of constant, visible devotion to a higher power in order to prove oneself as existing without sin. Book of Joseph states that John’s childhood was closer to one drawn out confession - that his adoptive parents saw evil in his meek nature, and that’s where I think Sloth entered his life.

Both the game and the Book of Joseph mention John to have been a loving, quiet boy. The Book suggests that quietness to the Duncans was a refusal to confess; that if one wasn’t constantly proving themselves, they were sinning. By forcing John into a state of constant action with rest, they were only satisfied once they’d achieved moulding a young man with zero downtime.

It’s clear that John is a proactive, aggressive character. He’s the PR guy - the people person, who spends a lot of his time networking with both followers and hopeful recruits. He also controls the business end of the cult, as well as resources like food, weapons, property, livestock, and vehicles. He’s the Baptist and the lawyer, the torturer and the confessor. He’s fucking busy to the point that his followers comment that he’s never really home. Yes, one would say that this is all out of an attempt to combat Sloth with diligence, and they’d be correct, but Sloth... isn’t John’s sin. It does, however, enable him to channel his true sin, Wrath.

John is livid with the world. His anger drives him to engage in monstrous acts, and most of these are given reason through excuse of “duty”. The diligence he flashes in the face of Sloth is his justification for harassment, torture, murder, etc. Joseph’s last message to John is a warning of his sin killing him after taking on a new form (more on this later), but he fails to mention anything about Sloth. Harming people, violence; these are Joseph’s final warnings. It’s unclear to me, whether John considers himself a wrathful person given the victim complex and the excuses he’s given himself to be cruel. The mockery he throws at the Deputy for being Wrath as well either show massive hypocrisy or a severe lack of self-awareness and inflated ego.

Going back to John and mimicry, it isn’t hard to conceive of the guy who uses his parents’ abusive teachings in adult life by applying them to the people around him. It’s what he does. Just like them, he’s obsessed with sin and confession. Many of their practices, he’s carried with him into his adult life. Is it plausible that this includes branding others with a sin that only a third party perceives? My personal theory is that John was given his Sloth scar by the Duncans.

John displays this habit of mimicry in his modern relationships, too - from modelling himself after the Father physically, to amplifying his rage in the face of the Deputy, who further encourages him to indulge in his true sin. Mimicry earns him praise. It allows him to network. It eventually shows him what he wants to see in others as much as it allows him to take the form of what they want to see in him.

The new shape of sin that Joseph is referring to is, of course, the Deputy. They have been shaped by John’s treatments of them, from torture, to...torture...to...yet more torture, every interaction John has with the Deputy sees him pouring little pieces of his fury into them.

Then, when the Deputy retaliates with learned behaviours from John, John mimics yet again, completely turning a blind eye to his reflection in their actions. He becomes stuck in a feedback loop with a sin that he doesn’t accept is his, but utilising a sin that isn’t to drive the wedge deeper.

It’s his own sin that kills him, but it’s not the sin that he’s been branded with. @ Ubisoft show me John dlc where he wasn’t raised by horrible people and accepts that he doesn’t need to commit murder for approval thanks.

Thanks for reading, it’s now 2:45. Please ask me more about Seed Family Trauma and I will supply you with Hot But Uninformed Takes.

[autolenaphilia]

The Lost World by Arthur Conan Doyle

A photograph of Conan Doyle (as Challenger) and friends, dressed up as the expedition in the novel, and published with the novel in its original serialization in the Strand Magazine.

The Lost World by Arthur Conan Doyle, first published in 1912, is one of the most influential adventure novels ever. It had its predecessors in Victorian fiction, such as Verne’s Journey to The Centre of the Earth and Haggard’s King Solomon’s Mines, both are actually referenced to in the text as a homage. But The Lost World is still one of the models for stories about adventure in general and dinosaurs in particular. You can see traces of its influence in Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Pellucidar stories, the Indiana Jones movies and the Jurassic Park books and movies (the second book and movie were both titled “The Lost World” in reference to Conan Doyle).

It is about the discovery of an almost inaccessible plateau in the South American Amazon, “The Lost World” of the title. The hot-blooded English zoologist Professor Challenger is the first to bring back news of it to the Western world. He argues that on the plateau, creatures long thought exist still live, including dinosaurs. Challenger organizes an expedition from London to explore the plateau further. It consists of the journalist Edward Malone, who is also the narrator of the book, Lord John Roxton, a hunter and adventurer and Professor Summerlee, a rival scientist to Challenger.

The book is undoubtedly a fun and exciting read. The story about venturing into the unknown, encountering dangers and finding supposedly extinct creatures like dinosaurs is well-told and exciting. The use of a first person narrator, Malone, writing down the adventure as it happens adds a sense of suspense and immediacy to the story.

The sense of fun is added to by the humour of the book. The adventure elements of the book exist in union with strong elements of comedy. The book, for all its influence on the subsequent genre, came late to the era of imperial victorian/edwardian adventure fiction. And there is an element of parody to it’s awareness of the genre’s conventions. Professor Challenger is a strange character, and the book pokes fun at his self-centredness, self importance, mood swings and general eccentricity in behaviour and appearance.  It also takes six entire chapters out of this 16 chapter novel before the adventurous journey begins. And this beginning part of the book, set in London, besides introducing the plot and characters, is primarily comedic.

There is of course an inherent difficulty in such switches of moods between suspenseful adventure and comedy, but the narrative manages it well.

Certainly, the portrayal of dinosaurs is outdated in many ways, although the strength of the storytelling is able to overcome any such problems. The differences to our modern understanding of dinosaurs, both pop cultural and scientific, are still interesting. For example the large carnivorous dinosaur that threatens the heroes is either an “allosaurus” or “megalosaurus” (neither Challenger or Summerlee are quite sure), when that role in a modern work would naturally be filled by a T-Rex.

But the dinosaur science is sadly not the only thing that is outdated. Being an adventure novel from 1912, the underlying ideology of the book is clearly colonialist and influenced by the racist thought dominant at the time. The time period merely explains, not excuses it. The very premise of the book rests on the far from innocent ideology of the white “explorer” and “discoverer”.  

It is telling that Challenger and his doomed American predecessor Maple White are viewed as the “discovers” of the plateau solely because they are the first white men to stumble upon it. They later discover a tribe of “indians” had not only discovered the plateau first but even settled it, but this is treated as of lesser importance than Challenger’s discovery of it.

The racism is on display in the depiction of the book’s human villains, who are described as “half-breeds”. It is not stated but implied their mixed-race origins led to their villainy. It is most evident in the “apemen” the explorers find on the plateau. They are a “missing link” between apes and modern humans. They are explicitly stated to be entirely non-human for unclear reasons, a purely evil and repugnant species, fit only for extermination and slavery. The ape-men might not be intended as analogues for a racial other, as their non-human nature stands in contrast to the people of colour in the book, but the effect is still present.

The treatment of people of colour is complicated, because it is not uniformly negative. The black assistant Zambo is treated sympathetically, as is the “indians” the explorers find on the plateau. But the portrayals rest on stereotypes, the loyal black servant and the primitive native tribe. And it is always dependent on those sympathetic people of colour being subservient in varying degrees to the white heroes. The Indian tribe is the closest the book gets to a complex portrayal, as their members have differences of opinion and the possibility of them turning on the white heroes is always a possibility, without that marking them as evil.

The duality between “civilized” and “barbaric” is also undercut in ironic ways sometimes.  In fighting the apemen, the white heroes gets involved in a “primitive” darwinian struggle for survival and even the narrator is taken back by his own bloodlust. When they leave, there is also the sense that their discovery will lead to the western exploitation of this untouched wilderness, destroying it.

The book’s comedic elements resurface when Professor Challenger is also shown to have a near-doppelganger in the form of the leader of the apemen, which enables him to get on a friendly footing with their leader. This revelation is foreshadowed by the contradictions in Challenger’s character, who seems to combine both the aspects of civilization and the “barbaric” or animalistic in one person. He is an intelligent scientist, but can also be a hairy, violent and emotional brute. Challenger is not a very sympathetic character, despite his heroic traits, but these contradictions make him interesting.

Another factor is that the novel also bears traces of Conan Doyle’s own stance against the worst crimes of imperialism. The character of Lord John Roxton is influenced by Roger Casement, who was Conan Doyle’s friend and ally against the abuses in the Belgian Congo under King Leopold’s rule. Casement later reported on human rights abuses against virtually enslaved native workers on rubber plantations in Peru. This influenced Roxton’s backstory in the novel, where he is said to have waged a veritable war against a similar (or perhaps even identical) situation in Peru.

The Lost World is highly worth reading for anyone who looking for a fun adventure novel. Of course the reader’s enjoyment is predicated on them being able to look past it being a deeply imperialist text. But if you are able to do so, you’ll find a highly entertaining story in its pages. Those who like me love the Sherlock Holmes stories will find the immense writing and storytelling skills of Arthur Conan Doyle fully evident in this book.

I read the Oxford World Classics edition of the book, which I highly recommend chiefly for its annotations, created by Ian Duncan. They explain a lot of obscure words and references to contemporary political and cultural events and other novels that I would otherwise have missed. The introduction by Duncan should really have been placed as an afterword (it is best read after the reader has read the novel), but is good at explaining the historical context and ideological underpinnings of the novel. The Oxford edition was really helpful in my writing this review.

[deborahdeshoftim5779]

LEST WE FORGET.

This is Sergei Magnitsky, the Russian tax lawyer from Firestone Duncan who exposed mass tax fraud by members of Russia’s Interior Ministry. When he reported his findings, Magnitsky himself was arrested and incarcerated in Russia’s abusive Matrosskaya Tishina prison. 

Over the next several months, Magnitsky would face numerous rounds of torture as prison guards demanded that he retract his testimony and instead blame his client for the theft.

Courageously, Magnitsky refused to lie, maintaining to the last that members of Russia’s Interior Ministry and Tax Crimes Investigation team had masterminded the tax fraud against his client, Hermitage Capital.  

Magnitsky suffered agonising pains in prison and was continually denied medical care. Nor was he ever allowed to see his family again. 

In November 2009, prison guards locked Magnitsky in a cell and beat him to death for over an hour. To this day, not a single murderer has faced punishment in Russia. Disgustingly, the government officials involved in the theft have since been promoted, and the tax officials who authorised a fraudulent tax refund were absolved using the excuse that the fraudsters had “tricked” them. 

Magnitsky’s client, American-British financier Bill Browder made justice for Magnitsky his life’s work. He lobbied the American government under former President Obama to pass the Magnitsky Act. This law would sanction those responsible for murdering Sergei Magnitsky thorugh visa denials and asset freezes. 

Since then, Browder has expanded the scope of this Act to include human rights abusers from several other nations. Currently, Browder has spoken out against China’s ongoing genocide of the Uyghur population in Xinjiang. 

Browder has faced numerous obstacles to his path for justice. Banned from reentering Russia in 2005 under the guise of “national security”, Browder has good reason to believe that he, too, may be killed should he run into members of Russia’s “security” service and takes various steps to secure himself. Yet he continues to speak out against Putin’s corruption and abuse. 

Russian lawyer and political dissident Alexei Navalny, who has released numerous damaging investigations into Kremlin corruption, has recommended applying the Magnitsky Act against key enablers of Putin’s corruption. For Navalny, until the West sanctions those with the money, Putin will continue his corruption. 

While convalescing in Germany after being poisoned with Novichok, Navalny proposed a list of 35 people to face Magnitsky Sanctions. Allies like Leonid Volkov publicised this list in the hopes that Western nations, convinced that the FSB targeted Navalny with a chemical agent, would retaliate against the Kremlin. 

Has the West done so? Despite copious evidence, including that from Western intelligence sources, the international community has thus far failed to act on Navalny’s recommendations. 

Instead, some politicians prefer to have summits with Putin, others prefer to condemn the Russian President on Twitter, and some even blame the West, casting Putin as a victim who needs “understanding”. 

No amount of condemnation on social media, nor deep concerns, nor summits will save the lives of Russians fighting against corruption and persecution. The Magnitsky Act overshadows all other measures, because it attacks the one thing Putin cares about most: money. 

Without this money, Putin cannot afford to protect himself from the consequences of his criminal behaviour, nor can he protect the henchmen who help him steal from the national coffers and abuse ordinary citizens. Furthermore, anyone who does steal from Russian taxpayers cannot travel freely abroad to enjoy the proceeds of their crime. 

The difference between Western politicians and people like Sergei Magnitsky is striking. Powerful politicians have, time and time again, spoken of “reset”, “engagement”, and “discussion” with a known thief and murderer. Meanwhile, Magnitsky, despite unimaginable torture orchestrated by the Russian government, utterly refused to betray the law and his ethics by lying on behalf of criminals. For this, he paid the ultimate price. 

It is time for Western politicians to stop caring about Putin’s reactions and feelings, and start caring about the millions of Russians suffering under his illegitimate 21 year rule. Apply Magnitsky Sanctions now to all the names Navalny suggested. Support Russians on the streets today. Defend Navalny now, not if the worst happens. Don’t let Sergei Magnitsky’s powerful sacrifice be in vain. 

FURTHER READING

BROWDER, Bill: Red Notice (A full account of how Putin and his henchmen persecuted, tortured, and murdered Sergei Magnitsky; how Browder fought for justice on Magnitsky’s behalf)

BROWDER, Bill: Sergei Magnitsky (More information about Magnitsky from Browder’s website)

RUSSIAN UNTOUCHABLES: A series of short documentaries on the tax fraud Magnitsky uncovered, with shocking details about the lawyer’s detainment, incarceration, torture, and eventually murder. 

[hecohansen31]

hey! if you’re requests are still open, could you do a small piece with the foursome! maybe the reader finally talks about her own trauma (daddy issues?) and opens up for once.

(A/N): Hello there, lovely!

So I hope you won’t mind that I changed your request: I previously had an idea, and I thought this request was perfect to develop it (also because I am costantly scared to write badly any mental health issues, even ‘daddy issues’!).

Still, as always, if you feel uncomfortable or you didn’t like this, you just have to send me an ask and I’ll rewrite this again!

WARNINGS: Talk About Mental Health/Trust Issues/Problematic Relation With Therapists/Light Stalking/Poly-Relationship.

You had started seeing a therapist, before you had started your relationship with Duncan, Michael and Jim.

Although you weren’t ashamed of such thing, you hadn’t told them about it, more out of the constant habit of dealing things on your own than because you felt uncomfortable talking about such a thing.

And it hadn’t been a problem for you, you could juggle up perfectly your business and most of the time you could count on a perfect excuse to justify the hour you spent with your therapist, each Friday.

You therapist actually knew about your relationship and hadn’t pressured you into revealing them your problematics or the fact that you visited her weekly, but she had highly suggested that you talked with them about it.

‘There is nothing to be ashamed, (Y/N)’ she had told you, meanwhile you fidgeted with your hands ‘You know well that they aren’t the judging type and that, what you do here, is absolutely nothing illegal or wrong’.

You had nodded, but every time, right when you wanted to talk with them about it, the words died on your tongue and you quickly changed the theme of your chats and shifted their focus away from you.

But soon your small absences were noticed by your lovers: Duncan sometimes would call you to check on you, just to find your phone switched off, which was strange not only because nobody switched off their phones anymore, but also you were pretty active with it.

Jim and Michael had tried to propose some interesting activities to do on Friday afternoon, so that you could spend some time together, but you would always shake your head, and suggest either another time or another date, coming up with new excuses each time.

But they noticed that you would always keep each Friday at 4:30 p.m. free, and one day, they had chosen to follow you, although Michael had insisted that it was extremely stalkerish.

‘It isn’t stalkerish if done with love’ had muttered Jim, and Michael had just shot him a look before muttering about how ‘he shouldn’t have let him watch ‘You’ on Netflix’.

They had followed you, ‘discreetly’, although they were lucky that you hadn’t noticed them because you were too much on cloud nine, since they did nothing more than tripping onto things and running into people, but they had made it to a small building, which looked pretty normal.

Were you meeting with a friend?

Both Jim and Michael were surprised about you meeting with a friend, without telling them.

But they weren’t one of those ‘always together couple’, but they didn’t understand why you would hide them an outing with friends.

… but maybe it wasn’t simply an outing with a friend.

Were you cheating on them?

That would explain the secrecy and the fact that you were entering that building.

They also managed to enter it although clumsily, asking one of its resident to open the door, faking to be the friends of one of the other tenants, but once they were inside they weren’t able to actually look where you had gone and ended up exploring rather clumsy.

But their eyes were immediately caught by what looked like a private studio and they wandered inside, mostly because everything was better than the thought of you cheating on them: maybe you simply were having some problems you were too ashamed to talk with them.

They knew lately you had been writing some stories, maybe you had chosen to publish them and this was a talent scout or a publishing house…

Once they were inside, they realized it wasn’t a simple studio, but it was a therapist one, the secretary looking at them confused before she dared to ask them whether they had an appointment or needed to book one.

“Ahem we are…actually… in need to book one” lied Jim, and Michael was half thankful that the secretary didn’t seem to care enough about them to avoid noticing the fakeness in Jim’s tone, who continued on setting a fake appointment, giving the woman the same date of (Y/N)’s strange absence.

“I am sorry, but that spot is already busy” she mumbled and Michael managed to catch a glimpse of the timetable discovering that your name was signed down for that spot, showing that you were seeing a therapist.

That for  all that time you had been seeing one, without telling them anything.

Were you ashamed?

Had they given you the idea of not being able to take care of you?

Had they given you the idea that they would make fun of you, if you told them that you were seeing a therapist?

They hadn’t certainly been truly angelic with you, but they were open-minded enough not to judge you about feeling the need of seeing somebody that might help you.

Michael couldn’t help but be both slightly disappointed and both a bit self-conscious of his behavior towards you.

As Jim finished settling the appointment, he grabbed him by the shirt, to let him know they had to leave, before you finished your session, saluting the secretary as she reminded one last time to them the date of the appointment.

“Please don’t tell me I just signed up for nothing” mumbled Jim, once they were outside.

“(Y/N) was here” mumbled Michael was they were inside of the car, gaining a skeptical look from Jim “… she is… she is seeing a therapist, I saw her spot on the timetable, meanwhile you were booking the appointment”.

“Why is (Y/N) seeing a therapist?” asked Jim, much more naively than Michael, meanwhile he rode off quickly making sure not to attract any attention on them “… do you think that it is because we make her crazy”.

“Jim, why do you have to make this funny whereas it isn’t in the slightest!” Michael’s outburst of rage made Jim tremble lightly and the blond man tightened the grip onto the steering wheel, coming to an abrupt stop “… I am sorry, it just… baffles me… that she…”.

“…that she doesn’t trust us?” completed Jimmy, before he softly pushed an hand onto Michael’s white knuckles “… Michael we hated her till a month ago… she has every right to keep us out of some things she thinks are personal”.

“Weren’t you the one who wanted to stalk her?” shot back Michael.

“Because I thought she was hiding someone, but… Michael… how long did it take you to open up with me and Duncan about your problems with your grandma? Or for me to open up about my substance abuse” Michael didn’t answer “… it took us long, and you can’t blame her”.

“So, we have to pretend nothing happened?” Michael didn’t know if he could do it and was thankful when Jim shook her hand.

“No, we need to talk with Duncan and her, at least to apologize, and to show our support towards her and her journey” replied Jimmy, meanwhile he quickly held and gripped Michael’s hand on the steering wheel.

“Then I think we should get some cake”.

You had come home after an entire afternoon of crazy errands, although you had wished, for the entire time, nothing more than to come back home, mostly since the therapy of that day had been rather serious, and again, your therapist had explained the importance of letting your partners know of your journey, both to help you and to be sincere with them.

You had actually thought about coming clean, and in the end swore to confess it to them at least before Sunday, but when you had come home, the climate… was strange.

Michael was avoiding you, without putting into it too much effort to hide it and Jim was exceeding with his usual cuddles, even going as far as to stick at you when you got up to get the dinner ready, awakening also Michael, who came to stand into one of the stool at the kitchen island, beside Jim, as if they wanted to talk with you.

“Did something happen, guys?” you asked, wondering whether you had forgotten some anniversary or birthday “… are you mad at me?”.

“We followed you today” spoke Michael, almost spitting out the words as if they were on the tip of his tongue “… Jim has seen too many ‘You’ episode and decided to finally discover what you do each Friday at 4:30 p.m.”.

You were petrified on the spot and Jim continued, Michael’s speech, with much more sweetness to the tone:

“I didn’t mean to, but… I just… I thought you might be seeing someone else” your expression quickly changed to baffled, mildly offended “… I am sorry, you know we have abandonment issues… but this is another problem, we have discovered you are seeing a therapist”:

Well the truth was now out and you couldn’t help but be nervous at their thoughts, although you were ashamed, you knew people had mixed reaction about you seeing a therapist, you had been even wary about sharing this with some of you more distant friends.

“Why did you hide it from us?” Michael’s accusing tone was enough to made you cringe, and he saw it, immediately backing up and muttering a light ‘sorry’.

“I… I don’t know… it just never came up” you replied, hiding slightly in yourself, shrinking a bit to appear smaller.

“Don’t you trust us?” asked Jim, his tone definitely lighter than Michael, but the accusation heavy on his tone.

“It isn’t that I don’t trust you, but…” you tried to mumble “… it’s difficult for me to talk about it… it took me years to approach a therapist, and I am not ashamed of it, but I tend to deal… with things… on my own, have always been”.

“You don’t have anymore” a deep voice, surprised you and you all turned to catch Duncan staring at them, and you couldn’t help but blush further, hiding in the kitchen “…I am sorry, I didn’t mean to overhear, but I just wanted you to know that at least for me… this is a judgement free place”.

“Thank you” you stammered, meanwhile your other two lovers nodded.

“I am not going to lie I felt a bit heartbroken when I discovered this, but…” spoke Michael, and held out an hand for you to take, a true peace offering “… I understand now why you might not want to talk about it with us, but… if you need anything, you are more than welcome to let us know”.

“Yeah, exactly!” backed him up Jimmy “… is there something you want to talk about with us? Is there something we need to avoid? Or any way we can help you?”.

You appreciated Jimmy’s questions, although you couldn’t help but be slightly nervous, gently encouraged by Duncan, who came behind you and hugged you softly, letting you know his presence in this.

“I might need wine to speak up a bit” you joked, and Michael joined the laugh before he promptly mumbled.

“We have a chocolate cake to share” he mumbled, before he promptly added “I mean you have one and I have my own”.

“I think that you also need an appointment to a therapist or some doctor to check on that sugar flow”.

“You are just jealous of my perfect weight, Jimmy!”.

You couldn’t help but laugh softly at that and cuddled a bit tighter into Duncan’s arms: you might have had bad and heavy days, but you had three lovers always ready to make you feel better.

You were glad to have them in your life.

[codyfernmorelikedaddyfern]

Romeo & Juliet - Duncan x fem!reader

Apparently, I can’t write about anyone else by Duncan Shepherd but I’m not even mad about it.

It is inspired by Romeo & Juliet by Dire Straits.

Description: When Duncan bumps into (Y/N), the young woman he madly fell in love with and dated throughout high school and university, he desperately try to fill in the blanks and reconnect with this woman from his past.

Warnings: Mention of smut and past relationships, domestic abuse, cliffhanger.

Word count: 7349.

Duncan dropped his empty paper cup in the bin on his way out from the coffee shop, his coat closely tucking him in his own body warmth in the gentle sway of the snow falling to the floor. The gentle puffs of vapour escaping his mouth reminded him how much he loved the cold weather and in his absent minded trance of watching the snowflakes dance their way to the ground, his confident steps were stopped as he bumped into the shorter frame of a woman, her nose stuck on her phone, scrolling through what looks like to be Twitter or Tumblr.

“Terribly sorry about that!” he managed to mumble at the sight of the young woman dropping her phone to the ground. They both reached for the device that bounced on the frozen ground, watching the shatters the fall had caused to the screen.

It’s only a few seconds after that his face read the features plastered on the visage of the girl in front of him. “Duncan?” her voice whispered, unbothered by the state of her phone. His eyebrows knitted in confusion. “Y/N? Oh god, it’s been a hot minute” he tried scoffing off the awkwardness from his shoulders. His blue gaze fell on the shattered screen “I’m really sorry about that, could I… Make it up to you?” he attempted, trying to push the tremor in his voice.

It was like their heart had remained dormant for all of these years apart and finally, the sight of each other’s slightly aged features kick-started the pumping of their blood to their faces. Her hair were devoid of coloured dye from their teenage years and back to their (Y/H/C) roots and a few wrinkles marked her forehead. He, however, did not change his hair, instead deciding on letting his facial hair grow to a well-kept stubble, the gap between his eyebrows now marked with the years as well.

Damn he had no idea how much he had missed her until she was now standing in front of him. And the years that had gone by since he had last seen her had only made his heart swell some more like it used to. “It’s fine, Duncan, I’ll just get it fixed” he had even missed the way her voice sounded. The young man nodded, reminiscing on the past he had shared with the young woman and trying to find his footing once more. “Let me at least take you for a coffee at some point?” Duncan attempted.

“Just, you know, to catch up?” the young man pushed further, raising his eyebrows in hope. A large puff escaped (Y/N)’s lips and she lightly screwed her beanie back on her head. “I’m in a bit of a hurry right now” her eyes darted out of his gaze, only to find a focal point in the near vicinity. “Not right now” she sighed before starting to push past him “maybe next time” her voice rang again as he watched her run away from him.

Duncan didn’t know how long it took but somewhat he ended up waiting in front of the cafe nearly every day, always at the same time. Until one day, he woke up earlier and made his way to the shop before he would usually show up and he saw (Y/N), nursing a cup of coffee while typing away at her laptop. Unwrapped from her heavy coat, scarf and beanie, he was silently reminded that the years had definitely gone by. It was like he was 17 and falling in love all over again.

When (Y/N) looked up from her laptop, her gaze fell into Duncan’s who offered her a small wave. It took him a couple of seconds to ponder his next moves while she returned the gesture, the indecisive throbbing of her heart making it near impossible for her to look at anything but the tall frame of the one she loved so dearly. The young man made his way to the table next to hers, taking the spot on the wooden chair. The young girl hoped he would just keep his nose in his drink, she hoped he would just leave her to her own device but he obviously thought otherwise, greeting het with a careful “good morning”.

“Good morning, Duncan” her voice whispered back as he sat down next to her. “How are you?” Duncan replied with a genuine smile, peeling off his own coat. “I’m alright, how are you?” she tried her hardest to smile but something in her stomach turned. It had been years but the lingering feeling was still here.

First loves as well as fist mistakes. She promised him he would always be special but right now, she couldn’t help but remind herself they were over for a reason. She reminded herself that, despite the 5 years it took for them to bump into one another, she should not fall in love all over again. But (Y/N) couldn’t help but melt at the soft honey like tones of his voice or the heavenly shades of blue dripping from his gaze. Small talk lead to slight giggles and reminiscing of the happier memories they had shared.

From new jobs to new life experiences, the 20 minutes they had spent talking flashed within seconds. She had settled for a small office position down the road from her apartment, she had moved after important events came and thrashed her life around and he drank her words, eager to learn more and more about the last few years of her life she had spent away from him. “If you’re ever tired of working there, I’m sure I can find a position for you” Duncan even offered.

They were not as young as they used to be, but the maturity that had bloomed through the years made them more calmed and composed. Adults. 27 years old adults. Duncan couldn’t help his heart from fluttering at every laugh his remarks would pull from the woman sitting next to him. How silly he had been to let her go the way he did.

“I see you got your phone fixed” his smile was bright, as if no time had passed, as if they had never been apart. “Yeah, thank you for offering, though, I appreciate it” her voice replied. Duncan fished for a pen in his coat pocket and went to scribble on a napkin. “Here, that’s my phone number, I think I changed it since the last time we talked” he handed her the piece of tissue. (Y/N)’s cheeks ignited again with pools of pinks and reds as she grabbed onto it, unsure on what to do. “I would very much like to take you on a date, could go to that Chinese you loved?” his eyes reached hers, hopeful to rekindle some sort of link with the young girl he fell in love with so many years ago and for who his heart seemed to still beat for.

But her gaze left his to look at the scribble once more. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Duncan” she breathed, her eyes falling on the door opening to a tall frame holding up a little boy. Her fingers stuffed the napkin in her pocket as Duncan looked in the direction of her gaze. His heart seemed to shatter while she watched her stand up, pressing a kiss to the cheek of the man and peeling the toddler out of his arms.

“Duncan, this is Sam, my partner, and this is Liam, my son” she sheepishly introduced her ex-lover to both of the figures. Sam’s hand reached forward to shake Duncan’s while she spoke again. “Sam, this is Duncan, we used to see each other a while back” (Y/N) blushed as she cradled the sleepy boy in her arms.

The sad blue gaze of Duncan’s fell into hers and he forced a smile to the three of them. Taking the last gulp of his drink, he excused himself to (Y/N) as he slipped his coat back on his shoulders, biting back the venom of jealousy coursing through his veins. “It was great to catch up, have a lovely day” Duncan dropped as he waved at her before slipping away from her view.

When she looked up to her boyfriend, the anger burning in his eyes made her aware she would be in for a ‘treat’. Silently pleading for him to keep it in. Sitting back on her chair, she gently stroked the chubby cheeks of her little boy, still half asleep in his mother’s arms. “Was it… His father?” his voice spoke in anger once more. (Y/N)’s eyebrows furrowed in annoyance and she bit on her bottom lip. “Why would it matter?” her voice spat as she gently stroked her son’s hair.

“Does he know?” Sam continued, crossing his arms around his chest and leaning back on his chair. Her eyes rolled at his comment and he smacked his hand on the table, making both (Y/N) and Liam jolt up. “I asked you a question, (Y/N)” his voice dripped once more, cutting old wounds open. “Do you think I’m that much of an idiot? I know who he is” Sam’s face pushed further across the table, anger exuding from his pores.

“He is Duncan fucking Shepherd. If anything, the child support he can provide would help you get out of that shithole you call you home”. His words cut through her like she was made of clay and he spoke daggers. “So I’m going to ask you one more time. Does he know?!” The young woman stood up after sitting her son on the chair, wrapping herself in her coat and tucking her (Y/H/C) locks under her beanie before pulling the child back in her arms.

“And I asked you ‘why does it matter’ if he is the father or not?” she spat right back at him, her face inches from him. “I’m done with your shit, Sam. If I wanted to be under surveillance 24/7, I would have dated a cop, not a banker” she finished, dangling her scarf around a neck before making her way out of the coffee shop and leaving him to sear in his own anger and jealousy.

Her feet carried her through the busy streets of DC as she held her little boy in her arms, letting him distract her from the harsh conversation that had transpired and what more was to come. His candid speech had the mother even forget about the interaction as she dropped the little boy to day-care and quickly made her way to work.

It’s only when she made it back home with her toddler and her fingers grazed against the napkin Duncan had scribbled his phone number on that she was reminded of the events of the morning. Looking at the digits penned on the tissue, she pondered on just throwing it in the bin. But the look he had given her before he left was convincing her otherwise. She had to, at least, apologies.

Well, she didn’t have to. She wanted to. So she did, keying in the number she read on the napkin, she typed in the shortest apology she couldn’t muster.

(Y/N): Hi Duncan, I would like to apologies for this morning. I would be happy to have a proper chat over a cup of coffee if the offer still stands. Best of luck, (Y/N).

Sent. Receipt. Read. Her heart stopped and she quickly locked her phone and placed it on the kitchen counter before joining her little boy on the couch. As Duncan tried his hardest to find the words to refuse. She had a whole new life now and his selfish desire to try and pick up the pieces he had broken half a decade ago. But he had so many questions burning his lips and begging to escape his lungs.

Sitting on the chair of his office, he played with his phone, twirling in between his fingers as he tried to formulate an answer to her text. The buzzing of her phone pulled her nose out of the colouring book she was working on filling in with Liam. (Y/N) rose to her feet and gingerly grasped her phone, turning it to see a text from Sam. It was his turn to apologies and without even asking for her piece of mind, he had texted her that he was on his way. Her eyes rolled and her heart stopped when another notification came through.

Duncan: Hi (Y/N)! No worries, it was bold of me to assume you would be free J. Would you rather make it a breakfast or a dinner?

(Y/N): Either sounds good to me, should we see how things are on Friday?

Duncan: Sure thing! I’ll check on you then. Great to speak to you again.

He was trying his hardest to hold back. He couldn’t be the needy teenager he was when she met him. A decade had passed since then and he could not allow his need take the better of him. Duncan was a man, not a boy anymore. However, she brought it back to him. The giddiness and the eager need to keep on texting her. It’s like they were back in high school, when they first met. Before the ever growing love that spurted from them. Before life got the best of them.

A sigh rumbled through her chest while she made her way back to her boy, her phone half-hazardly tossed on the couch while she praised Liam for his beautiful selection of colours he had picked for his butterfly. (Y/N) only left the company of her little boy to start cooking dinner. Looking through the half empty cupboards, she swore under her breath.

A knocking pulled her attention to the door. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion before she remembered the text Sam had sent her. (Y/N) went to open the door, the frame of the man standing there with a small bouquet of flowers. He made his way in the small apartment, his body language still exuding anger and discomfort.

As Liam heard the door, he quickly ran to hide against his mother, earning a small giggle from the young woman. But her smile dropped when Sam threw something else on the counter. “What is that?” she curiously looked at the large white box sitting on her kitchen counter.

“A paternity test for your new friend” Sam grinned at his girlfriend while she pulled Liam in her arms. “What do you mean?” her voice answered, laced with confusion and some tones of fear when her eyes dropped to his. “Buddy, how about you go and play in your room? Mom and I need to talk a little bit, okay?” the man went to stroke the cheek of the child who nodded, escaping from his mother’s clammy hands and scampering to his bedroom.

“Is Duncan Shepherd the father of your fucking son?!” his voice has hoarse and dry, a hint of alcohol making (Y/N)’s nostrils flare. She squinted her eyes, turning her face to the side as if she could avoid the smell of booze on his tongue. “I don’t want to talk about this, Sam” she whispered, stepping back from him, weary of what was to come. “Because I’m right, isn’t it?”

A few seconds went by with silence, only interrupted by the sharp blow Sam had just delivered across his girlfriend’s cheek. She didn’t budge though. She opened her eyes, tears welling and threatening to spill as the stinging handprint on her face turned into a throbbing pain. That is definitely going to bruise as he allowed himself to smack the spot once more at the lack of an answer.

“You are a coward. Hitting a woman” she spat at him while her tears streamed down her face. A third slap. The last one. “Sam. I need you to leave my house right now” she breathed between her tears as the ache did nothing but throb. The sudden realisation seemed to hit him. “I told you I was done with your shit. Get whatever leftover of decency and clarity of mind you have and leave” her voice trembled. His eyes were wide in shock as he tried to plead for her to forget him. But the only thing she did was to call the police as he cried.

The only way she got him to leave was manacled by the police officer escorting him out of (Y/N)’s apartment. “Ma’am, if you would like to press charges, I will need you to come to the station with me”. Her mind was pleading for her to follow him but all she could think about was the soft cries of her son in her arms. “I can’t leave my son alone, do I have to do it right now?” she asked and the officer shook his head.

“Come to the station when you are ready, but I would advise you to have someone over to discuss it. Domestic violence is very hard to go through and it might be best for you to not do it alone”. (Y/N) simply nodded while she swayed the little boy around. With a bang, the door was closed and the only thing left in the apartment was his little tired cries. The officer’s words rang in her head once more and she pulled her from the counter, considering the choices she had to avoid being alone. The gentle wails of her boy stopped before she could properly think.

(Y/N): Hey, I know this is last minute but could we make it a dinner? Tonight?

Duncan: Sure! Do you want me to cover it? I’ll meet you at wherever! J

A tinge of regret bit her gut when she texted him back with her address. But there was no ounce in her action as she just curled with her boy on the couch, the exhaustion having taken him to sleep. Another knock pulled her to her feet and she found herself checking her reflection. The impact had left a small bruise right on her cheekbone and she tried to hide it by fanning out her hair. When she opened the door, the large smile of Duncan quickly faded at the sight of the dried tears and the not well hidden bruise.

“Are you alright?” he asked, concern dripping off of his tongue. All (Y/N) could do was nod and mention for him to come in. “I had an eventful evening to say the least” she glanced at the clock while closing her apartment door behind Duncan. “And it’s not even 8pm yet” she scoffed before inviting him in the living room. He watched her gently lean over the couch, covering her little boy’s face with tender kisses to wake him up.

His confused state brought some sort of qualm to her mother as he snaked his little arms around her neck, returning her kisses to her in a few blabbers. “Buddy, do you remember Duncan from this morning?” she softly whispered as he nestled close to her. His little head nodded and his tired face left the comfort of (Y/N)’s neck to look at the man. “Do you want to say hello to him?” she pepper his temple with kisses, gentle rocking him in her arms.

He whispered a little hello while rubbing his sleepy eyes before yawning and snuggling closer to his mother who quickly praised his politeness. “Sorry, Duncan, I guess this is a bit much to wrap your head around” (Y/N) chuckled. He reassured her, he surely wasn’t expecting his high school sweetheart to be a mother now but he wasn’t surprised about it either.

“Do you want to help mommy cook?” she looked at the little man who eagerly nodded before climbing down from his mother before scampering to his bedroom. “What happened?” Duncan attempted as he took a step closer to his hostess. “Sam got a little handsy and… Jealous, I guess” she rolled her eyes. “He convinces himself that any man around me is Liam’s father” she whispered, placing her cold hand on the swollen lump on her cheek.

Duncan seemed to freeze, her gaze averting his as much as she could but it pulled her right back in. “Your boy’s not his?” the young man wondered, slowly following his ex-lover to the kitchen where she started to pull together what could make a dinner. “No, to be fair, he barely was a boyfriend” she chuckled a bit, trying to relieve some of the growing tension caused by the conversation.

His blue gaze fell into the empty cupboards. “He didn’t particularly like the fact that I didn’t want to tell him who is” she carried on gently, “It’s not a conversation I enjoy having so I usually don’t answer when he asks”. Duncan seemed to piece together some dots. The worry stirred in Duncan’s stomach. “Did he ask if I was?” he finally asked after swallowing the growing lump in his throat.

(Y/N) nodded, pulling a large pot and filling it with water before pushing it on the stove. Duncan walked closer after a couple of minutes of silence fell between the two of them. “He even bought a paternity test to prove it” she scoffed again.

This was wrong, Duncan thought. He shouldn’t wrap his arms around her waist like he did. He shouldn’t rest his head on her shoulder. It didn’t matter if he had been hopelessly in love with her for nearly half of his life. “Am I?” he whispered as he felt her melt into his embrace. She really shouldn’t let her heart flutter the way it was when his breath fanned against her skin.

Her hands went to rest on his arms as if she was giving him a queue to hold her tighter against his chest. “Would you like to be?” she gingerly breathed once the thrumming of her heart got louder. “Why have you never told me?” Duncan pulled out of the embrace and for a second, he thought he might tear up. “Because I never needed to” she span on her heels, a comforting smile on features as she looked up to him.

“So… I’m the father?” his words fell out of his mouth, more as a statement than a question, with a rumble and she went to look at the floor. “No, Duncan, you’re not. Liam has just turned 3” she looked up at him. A heavy sigh left his chest but he wasn’t sure if it was in relief or disappointment. After releasing her own sigh and brushing her (Y/H/C) off of her face, she made eye contact. “His father was… a mistake” she admitted with a whisper.

“I never had the balls to tell him and he fell off the radar anyways.” Her arms crossed across her chest. “Are you… Doing okay?” he wondered as he looked around at the small apartment reminiscing of the empty cupboards. “The offer still stands from this morning, my mom would be happy to have you in the team” Duncan continued.

The rustling of feet came to the kitchen, bringing a happy smile across (Y/N)’s face. Skittish and shy, Liam quickly ran to his mother and asked if he could play in the living room instead of helping, his little heart filling up with happiness when the young woman gave him a nod. “I’m really sorry this happened” Duncan said when the sound of cartoons on TV rang from the living room. “Please let me order dinner, it’s not much but it’s some help, right?”

The slow sound of her whimpers snapped his attention to her and he quickly rushed to pull her in another embrace. His lips hastily found her forehead, covering it with tender kisses while she let herself cry in Duncan’s arms. “I should have never let you go on your own, I should have jumped in the car and followed you. It should be me fathering your children. It should be me filling your pantry with food and providing for the both of you” he whispered in her hair, her hold on him tightening as she clutched on his shoulder for dear life.

“If only you knew how much regret I felt the day we ended it” he breathed in the shell of her ear. Her hand left her grip on his back to reward him with weak little punches against his chest. But his grip on her never loosened.

“I had so much to give you, Duncan. I was so in love with you” she nestled her face in his neck, wetting the collar of his shirt with salty tears. “I still am” he gently whispered, dropping a soft kiss to her temple. “I promised you thick and thin, it was just such an awful timing and I am so very sorry�� his voice trembled in his throat as her quiet sobs calmed down with his soothing embrace.

“You still love me?” (Y/N) quietly whimpered, pulling her face out of it’s perch to drown in the ocean blue of his eyes. The sight of her tearful eyes rid him from his speech, all he could do was nod. “I love you like the stars above” he breathed, losing himself in her eyes. “I’ll love you ‘till I die” he carried on before she gingerly pushed her lips against his, a gentle sigh escaping the both of them at the simple touch they had missed and craved for so long.

“Would you give us another chance?” Duncan’s lips quivered as he pulled from her lips and she nodded eagerly before joining their mouths again in a passionate kiss, his hands resting carefully on the small of her back while hers found purchase on his neck.

“Mommy?” pulled them away from one another, Duncan quickly turning away to hide his blushing cheeks. Tears welled up in the little boy’s eyes as he ran to his mother who quickly pulled him up in her arms. “Is your friend going to be mean to you too?” he softly whimpered against (Y/N), trying to give Duncan the meanest pair of eyes he could muster. “No buddy, we’ve been friends for a very, very long time, my friend isn’t mean” she shushed his tears by softly rocking him, her eyes catching the expression plastered on Duncan’s face.

“To prove I’m not mean, I’m going to let you chose whatever we eat tonight, how does that sound, little one?” he leaned closer to the little boy. Liam’s sad eyes turned mischievous in half of a heartbeat, looking back at his mother. “Really?” he asked her and after she gave another look to Duncan, she nodded. “Anything you’d like, honey” she kissed his chubby cheek, turned off the fire under the pot of water and went to crash on the couch with her boy in her arms and her man at her hips.

Hesitantly, Duncan perched his arm around (Y/N)’s shoulders, pulling her closer while little Liam snuggled closer to his mom. “So, what do you want to eat?” the man asked before watching the toddler stand tall, excitedly throwing his arms up and chanting “chicken nuggets” at the top of his lungs.

His mother looked fondly at him, not able to hold back a laugh before going straight under his tee-shirt to blow heavy raspberries on his tummy, having the boy crumble in heavy laughers against his mother. Fishing for his phone, Duncan quickly scrolled through his apps to find Postmates, quickly working through his own order before passing it over to the woman by his side. When she looked at it, she noticed he had already entered her usual “go-to” menu.

“You expected me to forget your McDonald’s order?” he chuckled while she picked Liam’s Happy Meal before giving him his phone back, a light blush on her cheeks. Her son’s face suddenly twisted and she didn’t even need a word to understand what went through his mind. “Potty?” she raised an eyebrow to him as a confirmation and he nodded before sliding off of her laps. “Do you need me to come?” she asked again as he shook his head, running for the bathroom.

They both could hear the scrapping of his stepping stool on the floor and a gentle chuckle shook (Y/N). “Does it hurt?” Duncan enquired as he looked at the angry shades of purples on her cheekbones. “No, not anymore” she went to poke it a couple of times. “You should put some ice on it” he replies as he stood up. “I’ll bring you some from the freezer” the young man said once more before navigating to the kitchen.

A heavy sigh left (Y/N) and for a moment, she enjoyed the silence surrounding her. It only lasted a few seconds before Liam’s voice rang from the bathroom. “Mooooooom! Heeeeelp!” the little boy whimpered and the young woman quickly rose to her feet to reach the bathroom door. “Can I come in?” she gently asked, pushing the door ajar. The little boy hummed as he tried reaching for the handle of the toilet. “Can’t flush” Liam whimpered as before watching his mother’s hand press on the handle for him. “Let’s go wash your hands now, you dirty boy” she teased, lifting her son up in the air as he giggled to the sink.

Following the gentle laughs, Duncan made his way to gentle laugh of (Y/N)’s boy while holding a flannel holding a few shards of ice. “Here” his voice softly whispered as he lowered the cold pack to her cheek. His hand landed on the small of her back while she watched him through the reflection of the mirror in front of them.

Liam broke the tension as he shouted a happy “Done!” by shaking his wet hands before being placed to the ground by (Y/N). Her body twisted gently, her hand resting on top of Duncan’s as he held the ice on her cheek and then, her eyes met his. Then his lips went to rest against hers with a gentle sigh, grazing the edge of her jaw with his knuckles.

But the tender gesture was interrupted by a loud knocking. Panic quickly pumped in (Y/N)’s veins. Her fearful eyes met Duncan’s once more before he went and fished for his phone. “Must be PostMate. I’ll get it” he pressed a protective kiss on her forehead before making his way to the front door to meet whoever was delivering their dinner.

The smell of fried food quickly filled the space and Liam jumped on the couch, chanting his praise for the fast food carried by Duncan. The young man chuckled at the little boy’s enthusiasm as (Y/N) joined the two men and helped unpack the content of the paper bags. The air filled with the gentle conversation Duncan started with Liam, taking an interest about the boy’s day care program.

Fondly looking at the pair, (Y/N) could not help but feel her heart swell. She, too, had never been able to dampen the quickening of her heart when she so much thought about the Shepherd’s son. She was just about 16 years old when she found herself falling for him. He had the typical bad boy demeanour and when he would take her out in his car to a shady alleyway to get high, she knew he was trouble. Even when after getting arrested and narrowly escaping juve, she couldn’t help but get drawn to Duncan.

While she watched them start to bond, she realised how much she had missed him and how much she loved watching his interaction with the toddler. She wished he had been the one to father the boy. She wished they had never been apart.

Duncan held the body of his girlfriend closer, the pad of his thumb ran across her cheek, wiping away tears that had spilled as while he made love to her. His heart sank in his chest as he watched (Y/N) burry her face in the crook of his neck. His grasp tightened and he finally spoke. “Why were you crying?” he peppered gentle kisses to her temple, another sigh shaking her frame as she held a sob.

“It might be the last time we see each other” she breathed out, her tears staining his skin once more. “I just love you so much, Duncan” (Y/N) propped herself against his chest to crash her quivering lips against her boyfriend’s. “And I love you just as much, babe” his voice trembled as the kiss broke off. “Someway, somehow, once you finish your degree, I’ll be here and I’ll woo you off of your feet and we’ll run away from DC” he reassured her tears away.

 Duncan knew he meant every single words that rolled off of his tongue. The only thing he needed was his girl and he would do anything for her. Even if it meant to let her go so she could bloom and focus on her studies far from him. (Y/N) stirred out of consciousness, falling asleep in the arms of the one she was so desperately in love. She hoped she wouldn’t wake up because it would mean that, in the morning, she would have to jump in her car and drive away from him.

But she did wake up and the pair of arms holding onto her were a cruel reminder of what was about to happen. Slinking out of his sleeping grasp, she reluctantly snuck in his kitchen, cooking what was their last breakfast together possibly forever. The feeling of the warmth of his arms clutched at her heart. But there was just silence between the both of them. They ate in silence, held each other in silence, and got dressed in silence.

 One last look at the clock made the nightmare a reality and with a sigh, (Y/N) sheepishly told Duncan she had to be on her way now. The young man nodded sadly, holding her heavy suitcase on their way down to their car. It was just silence until he loaded her belongings into the trunk of her car. She stood by the driver door of her car, tears flowing again on her face.

Duncan gingerly cupped her cheeks, tilting her head to kiss her once more as he held her tightly, holding back a sob of his own. “So, that’s it?” he whispered, his eyes looking far in the horizon of DC as he quickly blinked his tears away. He felt (Y/N) nod against his chest before their embrace was cut short.

She climbed in her car, lowering her window for him to prop himself on it, stealing a last handful of kisses, each more and more desperate as he felt his heart breaking. “We can do this” he whispered before crashing his lips against hers once last time. “I’ll never stop being in love with you, I swear it on my life” Duncan sobbed in front of her.

 He rarely showed his emotions in public, afraid it would give his surrounding the idea that he was weak but, when he was with (Y/N), his façade melted away. She looked at him in the eyes one more time as she turned on the ignition of her car. “Seatbelt on. And call me when you get there, we can make it work” Duncan said, grazing her jaw with his knuckles. She nodded before finally speaking, “Don’t wait for me, Duncan” she whimpered before closing her window as her heart shattered.

The young man watching his lover drive away, convinced that the distance wouldn’t get between them, convinced that his family wouldn’t get between them, convinced that nothing could take away what they had. But when his mother’s reaction to his heartbreak was a cold “At least now, you don’t have anything holding you back anymore. No more dead weight”, he could only realise how wrong he was to believe this could have worked.

“(Y/N)?” His voice whispered, pulling her out of her daydream. When she shook her head, she realised why his voice was so low, the upper half of her son sprawled across Duncan’s laps, a gentle snore escaping his tired body. She bit back a laugh when she watched the man’s uncomfortable position. “You can move, he’s not a cat” she chuckled before reaching back for the boy.

“I’m going to put him to bed” her voice made Duncan nod, slowly lifting the sleeping child in her arm, carefully cradling him. “Can I come with?” he whispered, smiling softly at the vision in front of him. After watching the young woman nod, he jumped to his feet and followed her as she walked to the boy’s bedroom.

He went to lean against the frame of the door, fondly looking at (Y/N) as she laid her son in his bed, quickly changing him into his pyjamas before tucking him between the folds of his dinosaur print blanket. As she bent over to drop a handful of kisses on Liam’s face, her eyes met Duncan’s adoring gaze, a wave of crimson staining her cheeks.

Her feet carried her to him and they made their way back in the living room. Her frame dropped on the couch, releasing a sigh of relief before she started to gather all of the garbage on the table, silently helped by Duncan. He sat next to her, looking at the woman she became. “I’m sorry I never called” she broke the silence, trying to dismiss the tight knot in her throat. “I’m sorry I never tried to reach out for you” she closed her eyes as if it would prevent the tears threatening to spill from breaking free. “I’m sorry I was always too busy and never tried hard enough to make us work”.

His arms linked around her and he pulled her close to his chest as she kept of pushing apologies past her lips, sobs shaking her body. Duncan ran his hands through her (Y/H/C) locks while drawing soothing circles on her back as she grew silent. “I’m sorry I never visited” he softly whispered, his hand landing on her cheek to caress her skin softly. “I guess I convinced myself that, if it was meant to be, we would end up together no matter what” he stroked her hair once more, his gaze looking for her teary one.

“Look” Duncan caught her eyes in his, “I have never been able to be with anyone else than you and I don’t think I ever will be able to” he shifted on the couch to sit up. “I think you’re the love of my life and if we were the right people at the wrong time, so be it. But I’m here right now and I have not been this happy since you left” her lips caught his in a soft kiss after he spoke. His words resonated with him, she had never been able to get over her passionate love for him no matter how hard she tried. (Y/N) unsuccessfully dated a few men and even a woman at one point, but no matter how much she liked them, no one could quench the ache that her heat suffered from her separation with Duncan.

“Let’s take this chance. Build off of what we left. I want you to be The One” his voice was desperate as he pulled her on his laps, his face now lost against the gentle skin of her neck. “We could be a family” he whispered, his hands flat against her back while she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, allowing one of her hand to lose itself in the brown of his locks.

“What would people think?” her voice shook through her throat while she closed her eyes at the gentle contact of Duncan’s breath fanning out against her flesh. Goose bumps ignited her skin. “Fuck them” he said blankly before pecking her neck. “Life has given me another chance at being with you and I’m not wasting it” his lips pressed on her throat once more and (Y/N) sighed. “I had no idea exactly how much I missed you until I saw you” she admitted, giving his chocolate locks a gentle tug at the sensation. Their heartbeat synchronised in a heavy and fast harmony as if they had never been apart. “Are we really doing this?” she whispered right as Duncan laid her down on her couch, his kisses becoming hungrier and sloppier as he hummed against her skin.

As crimson flushed against her cheeks while his lips stained her collarbones with wet trails, she clutched his arms tightly, her eyes opening in shock. “No, we can’t, not right here” she whimpered as he propped himself up above her. Duncan captured his bottom lip at the alluring sight laying upon him. His eyes, dilated and darken with arousal, captured her figure before pushing himself off of her, clutching her hands to help her sit up. “Feel free to stay the night, though” she softly whispered while jumping up to her feet.

Duncan scratched the back of his neck while looking up to her. “You can crash on the couch or… We can carry this on to the bedroom?” the blush on her face seemed to spread further across her cheeks. The young man stood up, his body dangerously close to hers while his lips worked their way across her shoulder some more before playing with her own mouth, his tongue reaching to find it’s long lost mate. His finger slide underneath her thighs as he pulled her up against his chest.

The only thing breaking the fiery dance of their mouths consuming one another was the short whispers she released, directing their intertwined bodies to her bedroom. Duncan gingerly kicked the door shut, satisfied once it clicked into place, he then stepped further in until clumsily bumped on the frame of her bed, having them both tumble on the soft mattress with a few giggles.

It was like they were 17 again and exploring each other for the first time, learning how to love and worship the other’s body. A task they both mastered.

His lips explored the supple flesh of her neck with a soft array of sighs and quiet moans from his lover. A couple of tears prickled her eyes and silently glided against her cheeks and the heaving of her chest pulled Duncan’s out of his worship to look at her teary face. “Honey, why are you crying?” he whispered, shuffling to lay besides her instead of resting between her thighs. His hand reached up to wipe away the salty drops unfurling on her soft features, a concerned frown pinching his face together.

“I just… I’m so in love with you, Duncan” she whimpered as her hand reached to rest of the stubble of his jaw.  “I want you forever and ever” her voice trembled so more and she bit down on her lip to stop it from quivering. “I’ve always said I was going to marry you one day” his face melted into a gentle smile as he pecked her lips. “And I’ve missed you so, so much” she finished in a breath as it fanned against his face, his eyes locked into hers.

His hips shifted to rest on hers once again and as his lips retrieved that sweet little spot he would suck on to drive her crazy, he released a raspy whisper to the shell of her ear. “Honey, remember that time we had to be extra quiet because my mom was sleeping across from us in that chalet in France?”. She eagerly nodded, her legs quivering while his tongue licked a wet and hot strip along she length of her ear. “Well, you’re going to have to make more of an effort to not wake up your son” he withdrew his face from it’s hiding spot against her neck and watched her bite her lips once more. Another nod rattled her face, this time more shy and reserved.

“Good. Because I’m about to make you feel how much I’ve missed you”

______________________________________________________________

Tagging the Killer Queen squad : @shenevertricks, @wroteclassicaly, @idespac, @psychobitchtess, @hplotrfan, @tea-party-at-wonderland, @langdxn, @hecohansen31 & @blakewaterxx

Just let me know if you would like to be tagged whenever I post a piece!

[bhaalble]

Alistair: A Defense, a Critique

I PROMISED AN ESSAY

I DELIVER AN ESSAY.

So here we go. What’s up Ferelden, its him, ya boi

So, let’s start off by clearly delineating some things that Alistair is, and more importantly, what he is not.

I think there’s a tendency with Alistair critical posts to treat the worst possible version of Alistair as the “real him”, which is more than a little unfair. Unhardened, kinda bitchy Alistair is a part of him, yes, but its a part of him that only arises when your Warden is continually a dick to him, and I think it’s fair to say that none of us are the best versions of ourselves when we’re constantly being treated like shit or ignored. Furthermore, this isn’t really something we do when we talk about the other characters. Zevran straight up tries to murder you if you don’t have his approval ratings high enough and somehow most people don’t see Zevran as inherently a backstabbing little shit.

So, let’s run down the list of common accusations and overturn them

Alistair is not stupid. He’s just…not. Morrigan jokes, yes, but Morrigan tends to see everyone as an idiot for not sharing her worldview, including your Warden. The one who jokes about Alistair being stupid more often than anyone is Alistair, but as we see time and time again, he’s rarely the most trustworthy source for his real complications.

Alistair may not be a scholar and can make some pretty boneheaded statements, yes, but he’s hardly alone in that department for the DA:O crew. His retorts show some real wit behind them at points. He can demonstrate great social awareness (e.g. catching on to the fact that the Grand Cleric sending him, an ex-templar, to interact with the Circle Mages was definitely an intentional slight). Furthermore, I’d like to point out that he managed to catch on to the Chantry’s bullshit all on his own, before he racked up dozens of counts of mage abuse (*cough* CULLEN *cough*). He still shows some effects of the templar’s training, (especially in his treatment of Jowan and Morrigan) but I’d argue that this is hardly a surprise. He’s been subjected to it 24/7 since he was a child. But he’s aware, and based on the other templars we meet throughout the game that on its own shows some serious introspection and critical thinking.

Alistair is not selfish. While he has his moments, I don’t think that’s really who he is, deep down. Take, for instance, his forgiveness of Arl Eamon. He hasn’t seen Eamon for years. The expected arc would be that he waits for Eamon to wake up, gets an apology, and then forgives him. But based on how he talks about him when you enter Redcliffe, its clear that he’s already forgiven Eamon, and is honestly more than a little ashamed of his behavior. Frankly, this is more selfless than even I would be: imagine being twelve, having lived your life as a street urchin because your adoptive father simply won’t treat you any different than he treats his paid employees, only to be sent away from the only home you’ve ever known because your presence embarrasses his wife. Frankly, I think Alistair would be justified in resenting Eamon for it, but it’s clear that he doesn’t. He calls him a good man from beginning to end.

Furthermore, I think what the Guardian says to Alistair is telling. He doesn’t just feel sad that Duncan is gone. He feels guilty. He, deep down, genuinely believes it should have been him. He wishes he could throw himself on the sword to save his mentor. Then there’s the ritual to consider. It takes some convincing (because of course it does) but with little fuss, Alistair will sleep with a woman he genuinely dislikes (which hoo boy does this make a consent conversation more than a little shaky) to conceive a child that he will never get to see. He, a bastard child cast away from his father, is essentially doing the same thing. All to ensure that he won’t risk his friends dying. Even an unhardened King Alistair casting off a non-human non-noble Warden, while it of course hurts, to me shows a sense of latent responsibility. He genuinely loves and cares about your HoF, but he has the sense that this matters more. That even though he never wanted this burden, he has to carry it as best he can.

What Alistair is is immature.

I want to draw a fine distinction here because I think we tend to use immature interchangeably with “selfish” and “stupid”, so it can sound like I’m contradicting myself. So, to explain myself: I use “immature” in the sense of a symptom, rather than a personality.

For an example of “immature as a personality”, look no further than Tony Stark in like, the first half hour of Iron Man (arguably Tony in the rest of the movies too but ashfagdkh follow me here)

Early Tony Stark is very much someone who is irrepressibly immature. He is capable of being an adult, but he chooses not to be, valuing his own desires above pretty much everyone else’s. He acts out simply because he knows no one will stop him, chases the shiniest, biggest toys he can get, and throws a fit when he doesn’t get his way. He treats other people’s time and needs with a flippant attitude, generally behaving like they are literally side characters who only matter so long as they help him get what he wants.

This isn’t to say there isn’t a reason Tony is the way he is (his relationship with his father being a big contributor), but what is important is that Tony is fully capable of being otherwise, knows it, and chooses not to. He revels in his shamelessness, believing that his immaturity is a sign of his intelligence. Everyone else acts like an adult because they have to, but Tony acts like a child because he is smart enough and rich enough to get away with it. Call it a sort of Capitalist Peter Pan syndrome.

By contrast, Alistair strikes me as immature as a symptom. First off, his age is important to factor in here. Alistair is 20 (my age, which is trippy as fuck). He is barely done being a teenager by the time you meet him.

There are further factors that have stunted Alistair’s emotional maturity, even for the average 20-year-old. He jokes about having been raised by Mabari, but its very clear there weren’t a lot of adult influences in his life at a young age. He mentions Isolde ensured that the castle wasn’t home to him long before he was sent to the Chantry. Imagine being under ten and feeling like you were unwanted by a person who has the power to make your life miserable in every imaginable way.

Then, once he was moved to the Chantry….well, if the Circle is any indication, the Chantry doesn’t exactly know how to accommodate children. Alistair made life a merry hell for the priests but it’s clear he wasn’t treated very well by them. Then straight into templar training. All of this while barely interacting with the outside world and shunned by his peers for his status as a bastard. Kids need to engage with other people in order to grow up effectively. With that in mind, it’s frankly stunning that Alistair has as much care for other people as he does.

The observation of Alistair’s immaturity is exactly groundbreaking either. Think about his dream in the Fade. We see Alistair at his most honest and vulnerable, fully convinced of the illusion. And it seems his greatest dream is to have the family he never got as a child, via his sister. Alistair behaves childlike to the point of parody in this dream. He pleads like a child and tries to entice the Warden to stay by begging his mom sister to make a special meal, his favorite. Hell, the whole “hardening” subplot is basically about the Warden forcing Alistair to let go of the childhood he never got to have and moving forward into adulthood.

His immaturity doesn’t just express itself in the obvious childlike behavior, however. Even though we tend to forget that Alistair is a junior member of the Wardens and is barely more experienced than the HoF in terms of actually fighting darkspawn, I think we can all agree that tossing the decisions on someone who’s barely past their Joining probably isn’t great behavior. Pretty much every comment he makes, about mages, blood magic, elves, even women, also read as the words of a man who simply does not have the world experience yet to really know how to engage with people who aren’t like him. It doesn’t mean these comments don’t….yanno, suck, but there is rarely any real malice behind them. Despite the hardships in Alistair’s life (of which there have been many, I grant), he has still been on the receiving end of certain privileges by virtue of being a man and being human non-mage, and it is clear he is still unlearning the prejudice inherent in that. His youth doesn’t excuse how hurtful or ignorant his comments can be, but its the unfortunate truth that, especially for those of us who grow up relatively privileged, being mindful of the Other is a learning process.

However, the main reason I view this immaturity as a symptom more than a personality is that I think Alistair has a genuine desire to grow past this. He acknowledges that he complains a lot, with an additional note that “and you haven’t been having an easy time of it either”. If you push back on his comments (or at least when the game gives you the chance to), he’ll usually apologize for it. And as I said, the hardening storyline to me indicates that Alistair is more than ready to grow up. He’s just still learning how to do it.

None of this, by the way, means that you have to love Alistair. Its more than easy to be annoyed by him, especially for a non-human and/or non-noble character. In the interest of full disclosure, it took me romancing Alistair to move past simply tolerating him. But I think its time for all of us to stop pretending Alistair is something he isn’t. He isn’t really a side character as much as he is a deuteragonist. More than any other companion (except, arguably, Morrigan), Alistair has a character arc that acts in response to your own characters. He grows and changes over the course of the narrative in a way that parallels how the story treats him, and if you create an Alistair that behaves like an asshole, well, you might want to take a look at how you’ve been treating him

to

[orbemnews]

China sanctions UK lawmakers and entities in retaliation for Xinjiang measures In a statement Friday, China’s foreign ministry said the UK had “imposed unilateral sanctions on relevant Chinese individuals and entity, citing the so-called human rights issues in Xinjiang.” “This move, based on nothing but lies and disinformation, flagrantly breaches international law and basic norms governing international relations, grossly interferes in China’s internal affairs, and severely undermines China-UK relations.” Those sanctioned include five members of Parliament — Tom Tugendhat, Iain Duncan Smith, Neil O’Brien, Tim Loughton and Nusrat Ghani — and two members of the House of Lords, David Alton and Helena Kennedy, as well as academic Joanne Smith Finley and barrister Geoffrey Nice. Four entities were also named by Beijing: the China Research Group, Conservative Party Human Rights Commission, Uyghur Tribunal, and Essex Court Chambers, a leading London law firm. “China is firmly determined to safeguard its national sovereignty, security and development interests, and warns the UK side not go further down the wrong path,” the Chinese foreign ministry statement said. “Otherwise, China will resolutely make further reactions.” Those individuals concerned and their immediate family members are prohibited from entering mainland China, Hong Kong and Macao. Their property in China will be frozen, and Chinese citizens and institutions will be prohibited from doing business with them, according to the foreign ministry statement. The UK’s ambassador to China has also been summoned by Beijing, to lodge what it described as “solemn representations, expressing firm opposition and strong condemnation.” While relations between Beijing and London have suffered as a result of the ongoing crackdown in Hong Kong, which the UK has suggested breaches a historic agreement with China, the new sanctions could send them to new lows. Certainly it is a marked contrast from only five years ago, when then-British Prime Minister David Cameron shared a beer with Chinese President Xi Jinping during a visit to the UK that was supposed to begin a “new golden era” in ties between the two nations. ‘Will not be silenced’ Reacting to the news on Twitter, Iain Duncan Smith, an MP and former leader of the Conservative Party, said the sanctions against him were a “badge of honour.” “It’s our duty to call out the Chinese (government’s) human rights abuse in Hong Kong (and) the genocide of the Uyghurs,” Duncan Smith wrote. “Those of us who live free lives under the rule of law must speak for those who have no voice.” Smith Finley, the British academic, said she had been sanctioned “for speaking the truth” about Xinjiang “and for having a conscience.” “I have no regrets for speaking out, and I will not be silenced,” she tweeted. The measures come after the UK, in coordination with the European Union, Canada and the United States, announced new sanctions Monday over Xinjiang, targeting those responsible for the crackdown there. “These actions demonstrate our ongoing commitment to working multilaterally to advance respect for human rights and shining a light on those in the (Chinese) government and (Communist Party) responsible for these atrocities,” US Secretary of State Antony Blinken said following the move. China responded almost immediately with tit-for-tat penalties, announcing sanctions against 10 EU politicians and four entities — an aggressive move that has thrown Beijing’s relationship with Brussels into doubt. Speaking Monday, Chinese foreign ministry spokeswoman Hua Chunying said “for a long period, the US and the West wantonly interfered in other countries’ domestic affairs by using democracy and human rights as an excuse.” In a statement, however, David Sassoli, President of the European Parliament, said China’s sanctioning of members of the European Parliament was “unacceptable and will have consequences.” Source link Orbem News #China #entities #lawmakers #measures #retaliation #Sanctions #Xinjiang

[jjkirbs]

BOOK REVIEW - I, Lucifer by Glen Duncan

Three books in and Glen Duncan has created yet another beautiful and believable character with exquisite prose and personalisation through his writing style Hope in 1997 he demonstrated the maturity required when dealing with the dark themes of sex, porn and addiction and in 2000 he amazingly captured the persona of a truly believable female character and dealt again with love, regret and sorrow in Love Remains.

It comes as no surprise then that I, LUCIFER is an extraordinary piece of literary fiction, a piece of dark humour written from the point of view of the eponymous fallen angel; who is offered one last chance at redemption as the end of the world approaches. However, being the old deal-maker that he is, manages to negotiate a month in the body of hapless, suicidal writer Declan Gunn who exits the mortal coil upon slitting his wrists in a grotty London flat bathtub, and this is where Lucifer steps into both his life and body.

The novel, of about 260 pages is an enjoyable read that never really causes offence, simply poking fun at established beliefs in Christianity. Lucifer recounts Biblical events from his side and just why God had to be rebelled against – "...one day… a thought came unbidden into my head, one minute it wasn’t there, the next it was." Lucifer eventually makes his decision and it’s ultimately an amusing and frustrating conclusion – trust me, try as you might you’ll end up feeling for the poor old guy.

The overall read is very entertaining and you will find yourself liking this act of ventriloquism, the dark prince comes across as a very funny, witty, even charming gentleman albeit using and abusing the corporeal delights he otherwise misses out on – sleeping around, using Class-A drugs, eating lavishly and drinking copiously. If you come away from reading this and don’t find yourself actually questioning set beliefs then the purpose of the read is lost on you, many times I found myself pondering what was being said; in regards to his name being taken from him, that it was "...ironic that they stripped me of my angelic name at the very moment I began to be worthy it." Just one example of the thought provoking nature of Duncan's writing.

However the novel does suffer from irony and parody, further to this is the fact that the wit and cliches are quickly overused, such as constant blasphemy and vulgarity. There are many instances of ‘Jesus H. Christ’ and common swear words, Duncan unfortunately misses the bat on Lucifer’s personality, as intelligent as he comes across with a wide vocabulary and lexis it is undermined with such annoyances.

Despite the fact we are reading the memoirs of Satan, it feels forced and simply excused given we are reading him. Be this as it may credit must be given to Duncan who crafts a believable story, he is a talented writer and perhaps he was just constrained as a mere mortal man attempting to capture the fallen angel’s pathos. It’s been pointed out that the Lucifer in this novel comes across as funny, rock and roll but he isn’t quite authentic, it doesn’t match up to what we would expect of you know, the prince of lies, he’s more of a flirty and naughty cherub.

Verbose, arrogant and perhaps used even as a platform of satire Glen Duncan’s third novel creates an amusing, original and entertaining story that plays on the desire we all share to just get some idea of what being Lucifer means, Duncan captures this romanticism very well.

Do not read this expecting top tier literature or you’re an easily offended Daily Mail reader, if you aren’t hooked by the amazing introduction that just teases and begs you to carry on; “I, Lucifer, Fallen Angel, Prince of Darkness, Bringer of Light, Lord of the Flies, Father of Lies…” and another nine aliases he has adopted over the millennia, then you shouldn’t be reading this review, you should already have the book in your hands.

I was laughing the first page in, in a Waterstones store, with people giving me strange looks like a man possessed... If you enjoy a laugh from a story that doesn't take itself seriously pick this up.

[foodieworldmelbourne]

Catholic brother jailed over 'abhorrent' repeated sexual abuse of students

Updated September 03, 2018 18:23:54

Photo: Gerard McNamara was a former school principal in Gippsland. (AAP Image: James Ross) Related Story: Catholic Brother says sorry to victims, four decades after indecently assaulting them Map: Melbourne 3000 An 80-year-old Catholic brother who sexually abused boys while he was principal of a Gippsland school during the 1970s will serve nine months in jail, after previously receiving suspended sentences for other similar assaults. Key points:McNamara, 80, was sentenced to 36 months in jail and will serve nine months of a partially suspended sentenceHe pleaded guilty to seven charges of indecent assault while he was in charge of St Paul's Secondary SchoolThe judge called his behaviour shocking and an ongoing trauma to victims Marist Brother Gerard McNamara pleaded guilty in July to seven charges of indecent assault, which took place while he was in charge of St Paul's Secondary School in Traralgon. McNamara was in his 30s when he abused the boys, aged between 12 and 15 years old, while giving them "sport massages" in a sports shed at the school, away from the main buildings. He was the school's sports master and the court heard he used the excuse that he was healing their injuries to assault them. The court heard McNamara abused one of his victims 30 times. "Your behaviour was abhorrent, repulsive and disgusting," Judge Duncan Allen said during sentencing. "Your actions caused shocking and ongoing trauma to your victims. "You were a highly respected member of a religious order and you were in a position of trust and dominance, you were trusted by the parents of these children and the community." McNamara, who remains a Marist Brother, was sentenced to 36 months' jail but it was partially suspended, meaning he will serve a total of nine months. 'With the rats in jail' Speaking outside court, one of McNamara's victims said he felt closure now McNamara was behind bars. "It's had a huge impact on my life to cover up his own crime he told lies to my parents and eventually caused me to end up in boys' homes," he said. "It destroyed the relationship between my mother and myself. "She died recently and we never recovered from it."

Photo: McNamara apologised during a July hearing, saying he was "deeply sorry" for the harm he had caused. (AAP: James Ross) He said McNamara's offending was well-known among students at the school. "At school he was known as the rat, because he acted like a rat now he's with the rats in jail. "Every kid knew if you got taken into that room, what would happen in there." A spokesperson for child sex abuse victims group VicGroup Actions said the sentence was too lenient. "I thought the sentence was outrageous to be honest the outcome today is just appalling," he said. "This is the fourth time this sick monster has been criminally charged and that total jail time is nine months. "That is just ridiculous." The Marist Brothers said they hoped the sentence brought a sense of justice to those who had been harmed. "On behalf of the Marist Brothers Australia, I reiterate our unreserved apology to anyone abused whilst in our care," Brother Peter Carroll said. "The past cannot be altered, however we hope there can be some small measure of healing." Record of similar assaults During the hearing in July, McNamara apologised to his victims while in the defendant's box. "I am deeply sorry for the hurt and harm I have caused each of you," he said. He said he was "made aware of the gravity of my behaviour and the impact it has had on your life". In June 2005, McNamara was convicted of seven counts of indecent assault of a male under 16, while in December 2016 he was convicted of three further counts of indecent assault. On both occasions he was given a jail sentence but the terms were suspended. McNamara has been put on the register of serious sexual offenders for life. Topics:sexual-offences,law-crime-and-justice,courts-and-trials,melbourne-3000,traralgon-3844,vic First posted September 03, 2018 13:54:48 http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-09-03/catholic-brother-gerard-mcnamara-jailed-for-nine-months/10195396

[sallysklar]

Jersey Jazzman: Things Economists Should Start Saying About Education Research

Jersey Jazzman: Things Economists Should Start Saying About Education Research

If there's one thing I find helpful about Jonathan Chait's work, it's that every now and then he gives us a "State Of The Reformy" piece that serves as a useful encapsulation of the current arguments among the neoliberal set for education "reform."

Chait's piece this time is especially notable because it's an explicit attempt to distance the Obama administration's education policies from those being pushed by the conservatives who have been emboldened by Donald Trump's win and, subsequently, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos's rise to power.

Desperately, Chait wants to convince us that the agenda pushed by Arne Duncan and John King, Barack Obama's SecEds, represented some sort of middle ground between the hard-right's dream of privatizing education, and the left's indifference to the "failure" of American schools (allegedly a direct result of the vast influence and vast perfidy of teachers unions).

Chait's political argument is so silly it's almost not worth addressing: thankfully, Peter Greene, once again, does most of the work so I don't have to. The fact is that Chait makes sweeping generalizations about the left (and, for that matter, the right) that are absurd [emphases mine]:

"Left-wing policy supports neighborhood-based public schools, opposes any methods to measure or differentiate the performance of teachers or schools, and argues instead for alternatives to school reform like increased anti-poverty spending or urging middle-class parents to enroll their children in high-poverty schools."

And:

"Unions that oppose subjecting their members to any form of measurement joined forces with anti-government activists on the right to protest Common Core and testing."

Chait, of course, gives no examples of unions not wanting to hold teachers accountable for their practice -- because the notion is nonsense. The unions have never -- never -- held the position that bad teachers should be allowed to continue to teach without any remediation or consequence. What they have insisted, quite correctly, is that there be due process in place as a check against abuses of power, so that the interests of students and taxpayers, as well as teachers, can be protected.

Now, as much fun as it might be to knock down all of Chait's straw men, I'd like to instead focus on something else from his piece. Because Chait, like all education policy dilettantes, likes to dress up his arguments with references to education research -- specifically, research conducted by economists. Throughout his piece Chait includes links to a variety of econometric-based research, all purporting to uphold his claims for the efficacy of reformy policies.

I have no problems with economists. Literally, some of my favorite people in the world are economists. And I enjoy a good regression as much as the next guy. Useful work has been done by economists in the education field. I can honestly say my thinking about things like charter schools and teacher evaluation has been shaped by my study of econometric research into those topics.

However...

It has been my observation over the years that economists working in education have not been as forthcoming as they should about the limitations of their work. And this has led to pundits and policymakers, like Jonathan Chait -- and, for that matter, Arne Duncan and John King -- to draw conclusions about education "reform" that are largely unsupportable.

Chait's piece here is an excellent example of this problem. So allow me to take a pointed stick and poke it into the econometric beehive; here are some things everyone should understand about recent research on things like charter schools and teacher evaluation that too many economists never seem to get around to mentioning.  

* * *

- Charter school lottery studies are not "perfect natural experiments." The economists who conduct these studies are often quite eager to tout them as "exactly the research we need" to make policy decisions about the effects of charter school proliferation. I am here to tell you in no uncertain terms: they are not.

The theory behind charter lottery studies is that the randomization of the lottery controls for all unobserved (better understood as unmeasured) differences between students that might account for differences in the effects being studied. In the case of charter schools, we might assume (quite correctly) that different parents approach enrolling students into charters in different ways.

Parents who care more about their child's outcomes on tests, for example, may be more likely to enroll their child in a charter school if their local public school has low test scores. These parents may be more diligent about making sure their child completes homework or attends school, which could lead to higher test scores.

The economists who conduct these studies are assuming, because assignment to charter schools is random in lotteries, that the differences in these unobserved characteristics of students and their families will be swept away by their experiment. There are some other assumptions built into this framework, but it's generally a reasonable theory...

Except it only applies to students who enter the lottery. If students who enter charter lotteries under one set of conditions differ from students who enter other another -- and there is plenty of reason to believe that they do -- we can't generalize the findings of a charter lottery study to a larger population. In other words: even if we find an effect for charter schools, we can't know that effect will be the same if we expand the system.

Further, we can only generalize the results of lottery studies to charter schools that are popular enough to be oversubscribed. In other words: if there's no lottery because student enrollment is low, we can't conduct the experiment. In addition, we are starting to get some evidence that charters, which have redundant systems of school administration and often can't achieve economies of scale, are putting fiscal pressure on their hosting public district schools.

While these points are sometimes mentioned in the academic, peer-reviewed papers based on these studies, I rarely see them acknowledged when economists discuss these studies in the popular press. Nor do I see any discussion of the fact that...

- Studies of education "reforms" often have very fuzzy definitions of the treatment.  The treatment is, broadly, the policy intervention we care about. For charter schools, the treatment is taking a school out of public district control and putting it under the administration of a private, non-state actor entity. The problem is that there are often differences between charters and public district schools that are not what we care to study, and these differences often get in the way of the things we do care about.

Here's a completely hypothetical pie chart from an earlier post. Let's imagine all the differences we might see between a charter school and a counterfactual public district school.

We know charter school teachers generally have a lot less experience than public district school staff, which makes staffing costs cheaper. There is almost certainly a free-rider problem with this, leading to a fiscal disadvantage for public district schools. But that's good for the charters: they can extend their school days and still keep their per pupil costs lower than the public schools.

But is this a treatment we really want to study? Shouldn't we, in fact, control for this difference if what we want to measure is the effect of moving students to schools under private control? Shouldn't we control for peer effects and attrition and resource differences if what we really care about is "charteriness"?

The economists who conduct this research often refer to their treatment as "No Excuses." What they don't do, so far as I've ever seen, is document the contrast the implementation of their treatment between charter schools and counterfactual public district schools. In other words: do we really know that "No Excuses" varies significantly between charters and public schools?

A lot of the research into charter school characteristics is, frankly, cursory. Self-reported survey answers with a few videos of a small number of charters in one city is not really enough qualitative research to give us a working definition of "No Excuses" -- especially when there's no data on the contrasting schools that supposedly don't adhere to the same practices.

So, no, we can't attribute the "success" of certain charter schools to their practices or organization -- at least, not based on these econometric studies. And we really need to step back and think about what we're using to define "success"...

- Test scores have inherent problems that limit their usefulness in econometric research. I keep a copy of Standards for Educational and Psychological Testing within arms length when I review education research that involves testing outcomes. And I have Standard 13.4 (p. 210) highlighted:

Evidence of validity, reliability, and fairness for each purpose for which a test is used in a program evaluation, policy study, or accountability system should be collected and made available.

This is a process that has been largely ignored in much of the econometric research presented as evidence for all sorts of policies. The truth is that standardized tests are, at best, noisy, biased measures of student learning. As Daniel Koretz points out in his excellent book, The Testing Charade, it is quite easy to improve test scores by giving students strategies that have little to do with meaningful mastery of a domain of learning.

Koretz also notes that multiple charter school leaders have explicitly said that improving test scores is the primary focus of their schools' instruction. As Bruce Baker and I note, there is at least some evidence that these improvements came at the expense of instruction in non-tested domains. That lines up with a body of evidence that suggests increased accountability, tied to test scores, has narrowed the curriculum in our schools.

I'm the last person to say we shouldn't use test scores to conduct research. But when the test score gains that econometric research shows are marginal, we should all stop and consider for a bit whether we're seeing gains that represent real educational progress. And many of these studies show gains that are quite marginal...

- Compared to the effects of student background characteristics -- especially socio-economic status -- the effect sizes of education "reforms" are almost always small. Student background characteristics are by far the best predictors of a test score. We know for a fact that poverty greatly affects a child's ability to learn. 

The claim of reformers, however, is often that education can be a great equalizer, leading to more equitable outcomes in social mobility. Over and over, the charter sector has claimed they are "closing the achievement gap," implying the education they offer is equivalent to the leafy 'burbs and that their students, therefore, are overcoming the massive inequities built into our society.

I made this chart a while ago, which compares the effects of charter schools, as measured by the vaunted CREDO studies, to the 90/10 income achievement gap:

The income achievement gap has actually been growing over the years; it now roughly stands at 1.25 standard deviations. No educational intervention I have seen studied using econometric methods comes close to equaling this gap. As Stanley Pogrow notes, economists seem to be all too happy to have the effect sizes they find declared practically meaningful, when often there is little to no evidence to support that conclusion.

One of the arguments made by some researchers is that these effects are cumulative: the intervention keeps adding more and more value to a student's test score growth, so that, eventually, Harlem and Scarsdale meet up. Except, as Matt DiCarlo points out in this post, you really shouldn't do that -- at least, you should only do so after pointing out that you're only making an extrapolation.

This is often where economists get into trouble: trying to translate their effects into more understandable terms...

- The interpretation of effect sizes into other measures, such as "days of learning," is often highly questionable. The CREDO studies have led the way in translating effect sizes into layman's terms -- with indefensible results. As I've pointed out previously, the use of "days of learning" in this case is wholly invalidated, if only because there is no evidence the tests used in the research have the properties necessary for conversion into a time scale. And the documentation of the validation of this method is slipshod -- it's really just a bunch of links to studies which in no way validate the conversion.

Recently, a study came out about interventions in Newark's schools and their effects on test scores. As I note in the review I did with Bruce Baker (p. 27), the effect size found of 0.07 SD was compared to "the impact of being assigned to an experienced versus novice teacher." But that comparison was based on a single study, by one of the authors, which compared teachers in Los Angeles who had no experience to those who had two years. This is hardly enough evidence to make such a sweeping statement.

In another interpretation, 0.07 SD moves test scores for a treatment group from the 50th to the 53rd percentile. Small moves like these are very common in education research...

- The influence of teachers on measurable student outcomes is practically small.I am a teacher, and I think what I do matters. I think I make a difference in the lives of my students in many ways, most of which can't be quantified. 

But in the aggregate, there is little evidence teachers have anywhere near the effect on student outcomes as out-of-school factors. As the American Statistical Association notes, teachers account for somewhere between 1 and 14 percent of the variation in test scores -- and we're not even sure how much of that is really attributable to the teacher.

One study that is cited again and again to show how much teachers matter is Chetty, Friedman, Rockoff. It's a very clever piece of econometric work, but in no way does it show that having a "great" teacher will change your life. Its effects have been run through the Mountain-Out-Of-A-Molehill-Inator to make it appear that teacher quality can have a profound influence on students' income later in life. But what it really says is that you'll earn $5 a week more in the NYC labor market when you're 28 if you have a "great" teacher (the effect if you were 30 is not statistically significant). 

Am I the only one who is underwhelmed by this finding?

  * * *

Again: I have no objection to using test scores as variables in quantitative research designs. I will be the first to say there is evidence that policy interventions like charter schools in Boston or teacher evaluation in Washington D.C.* show some modest gains in student outcomes. It's valuable to study this stuff and use it to inform policymaking -- in context.

But simply showing a statistically significant effect size for a certain policy is not enough to justify implementing it. Some economists, like Doug Harris in this interview, make a point of stating this clearly. In my opinion, however, what Harris did doesn't happen nearly enough -- which leads to pieces like Chait's, where he clearly has no idea about the many limitations of the work he cites.

The question is: Whose fault is that? Have the researchers who inform our punditocracy's view of education policy done enough to explain how those pundits should be interpreting their findings?

Chait and others like him have the final responsibility to get this stuff right. But economists also have a responsibility to make sure their work is being interpreted in valid ways. I respectfully suggest that it's time for them to start taking some ownership of the consequences of their research. Explaining its limits and cautioning against overly broad interpretations would go a long way toward having better conversations about education policy.

* What they don't show is that student learning improved after a new teacher evaluation system was put in place. More on this later...

elaine March 5, 2018

Source

Jersey Jazzman

Jersey Jazzman: Things Economists Should Start Saying About Education Research published first on https://buyessayscheapservice.tumblr.com/

[sallysklar]

Jersey Jazzman: Things Economists Should Start Saying About Education Research

Jersey Jazzman: Things Economists Should Start Saying About Education Research

If there's one thing I find helpful about Jonathan Chait's work, it's that every now and then he gives us a "State Of The Reformy" piece that serves as a useful encapsulation of the current arguments among the neoliberal set for education "reform."

Chait's piece this time is especially notable because it's an explicit attempt to distance the Obama administration's education policies from those being pushed by the conservatives who have been emboldened by Donald Trump's win and, subsequently, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos's rise to power.

Desperately, Chait wants to convince us that the agenda pushed by Arne Duncan and John King, Barack Obama's SecEds, represented some sort of middle ground between the hard-right's dream of privatizing education, and the left's indifference to the "failure" of American schools (allegedly a direct result of the vast influence and vast perfidy of teachers unions).

Chait's political argument is so silly it's almost not worth addressing: thankfully, Peter Greene, once again, does most of the work so I don't have to. The fact is that Chait makes sweeping generalizations about the left (and, for that matter, the right) that are absurd [emphases mine]:

"Left-wing policy supports neighborhood-based public schools, opposes any methods to measure or differentiate the performance of teachers or schools, and argues instead for alternatives to school reform like increased anti-poverty spending or urging middle-class parents to enroll their children in high-poverty schools."

And:

"Unions that oppose subjecting their members to any form of measurement joined forces with anti-government activists on the right to protest Common Core and testing."

Chait, of course, gives no examples of unions not wanting to hold teachers accountable for their practice -- because the notion is nonsense. The unions have never -- never -- held the position that bad teachers should be allowed to continue to teach without any remediation or consequence. What they have insisted, quite correctly, is that there be due process in place as a check against abuses of power, so that the interests of students and taxpayers, as well as teachers, can be protected.

Now, as much fun as it might be to knock down all of Chait's straw men, I'd like to instead focus on something else from his piece. Because Chait, like all education policy dilettantes, likes to dress up his arguments with references to education research -- specifically, research conducted by economists. Throughout his piece Chait includes links to a variety of econometric-based research, all purporting to uphold his claims for the efficacy of reformy policies.

I have no problems with economists. Literally, some of my favorite people in the world are economists. And I enjoy a good regression as much as the next guy. Useful work has been done by economists in the education field. I can honestly say my thinking about things like charter schools and teacher evaluation has been shaped by my study of econometric research into those topics.

However...

It has been my observation over the years that economists working in education have not been as forthcoming as they should about the limitations of their work. And this has led to pundits and policymakers, like Jonathan Chait -- and, for that matter, Arne Duncan and John King -- to draw conclusions about education "reform" that are largely unsupportable.

Chait's piece here is an excellent example of this problem. So allow me to take a pointed stick and poke it into the econometric beehive; here are some things everyone should understand about recent research on things like charter schools and teacher evaluation that too many economists never seem to get around to mentioning.  

* * *

- Charter school lottery studies are not "perfect natural experiments." The economists who conduct these studies are often quite eager to tout them as "exactly the research we need" to make policy decisions about the effects of charter school proliferation. I am here to tell you in no uncertain terms: they are not.

The theory behind charter lottery studies is that the randomization of the lottery controls for all unobserved (better understood as unmeasured) differences between students that might account for differences in the effects being studied. In the case of charter schools, we might assume (quite correctly) that different parents approach enrolling students into charters in different ways.

Parents who care more about their child's outcomes on tests, for example, may be more likely to enroll their child in a charter school if their local public school has low test scores. These parents may be more diligent about making sure their child completes homework or attends school, which could lead to higher test scores.

The economists who conduct these studies are assuming, because assignment to charter schools is random in lotteries, that the differences in these unobserved characteristics of students and their families will be swept away by their experiment. There are some other assumptions built into this framework, but it's generally a reasonable theory...

Except it only applies to students who enter the lottery. If students who enter charter lotteries under one set of conditions differ from students who enter other another -- and there is plenty of reason to believe that they do -- we can't generalize the findings of a charter lottery study to a larger population. In other words: even if we find an effect for charter schools, we can't know that effect will be the same if we expand the system.

Further, we can only generalize the results of lottery studies to charter schools that are popular enough to be oversubscribed. In other words: if there's no lottery because student enrollment is low, we can't conduct the experiment. In addition, we are starting to get some evidence that charters, which have redundant systems of school administration and often can't achieve economies of scale, are putting fiscal pressure on their hosting public district schools.

While these points are sometimes mentioned in the academic, peer-reviewed papers based on these studies, I rarely see them acknowledged when economists discuss these studies in the popular press. Nor do I see any discussion of the fact that...

- Studies of education "reforms" often have very fuzzy definitions of the treatment.  The treatment is, broadly, the policy intervention we care about. For charter schools, the treatment is taking a school out of public district control and putting it under the administration of a private, non-state actor entity. The problem is that there are often differences between charters and public district schools that are not what we care to study, and these differences often get in the way of the things we do care about.

Here's a completely hypothetical pie chart from an earlier post. Let's imagine all the differences we might see between a charter school and a counterfactual public district school.

We know charter school teachers generally have a lot less experience than public district school staff, which makes staffing costs cheaper. There is almost certainly a free-rider problem with this, leading to a fiscal disadvantage for public district schools. But that's good for the charters: they can extend their school days and still keep their per pupil costs lower than the public schools.

But is this a treatment we really want to study? Shouldn't we, in fact, control for this difference if what we want to measure is the effect of moving students to schools under private control? Shouldn't we control for peer effects and attrition and resource differences if what we really care about is "charteriness"?

The economists who conduct this research often refer to their treatment as "No Excuses." What they don't do, so far as I've ever seen, is document the contrast the implementation of their treatment between charter schools and counterfactual public district schools. In other words: do we really know that "No Excuses" varies significantly between charters and public schools?

A lot of the research into charter school characteristics is, frankly, cursory. Self-reported survey answers with a few videos of a small number of charters in one city is not really enough qualitative research to give us a working definition of "No Excuses" -- especially when there's no data on the contrasting schools that supposedly don't adhere to the same practices.

So, no, we can't attribute the "success" of certain charter schools to their practices or organization -- at least, not based on these econometric studies. And we really need to step back and think about what we're using to define "success"...

- Test scores have inherent problems that limit their usefulness in econometric research. I keep a copy of Standards for Educational and Psychological Testing within arms length when I review education research that involves testing outcomes. And I have Standard 13.4 (p. 210) highlighted:

Evidence of validity, reliability, and fairness for each purpose for which a test is used in a program evaluation, policy study, or accountability system should be collected and made available.

This is a process that has been largely ignored in much of the econometric research presented as evidence for all sorts of policies. The truth is that standardized tests are, at best, noisy, biased measures of student learning. As Daniel Koretz points out in his excellent book, The Testing Charade, it is quite easy to improve test scores by giving students strategies that have little to do with meaningful mastery of a domain of learning.

Koretz also notes that multiple charter school leaders have explicitly said that improving test scores is the primary focus of their schools' instruction. As Bruce Baker and I note, there is at least some evidence that these improvements came at the expense of instruction in non-tested domains. That lines up with a body of evidence that suggests increased accountability, tied to test scores, has narrowed the curriculum in our schools.

I'm the last person to say we shouldn't use test scores to conduct research. But when the test score gains that econometric research shows are marginal, we should all stop and consider for a bit whether we're seeing gains that represent real educational progress. And many of these studies show gains that are quite marginal...

- Compared to the effects of student background characteristics -- especially socio-economic status -- the effect sizes of education "reforms" are almost always small. Student background characteristics are by far the best predictors of a test score. We know for a fact that poverty greatly affects a child's ability to learn. 

The claim of reformers, however, is often that education can be a great equalizer, leading to more equitable outcomes in social mobility. Over and over, the charter sector has claimed they are "closing the achievement gap," implying the education they offer is equivalent to the leafy 'burbs and that their students, therefore, are overcoming the massive inequities built into our society.

I made this chart a while ago, which compares the effects of charter schools, as measured by the vaunted CREDO studies, to the 90/10 income achievement gap:

The income achievement gap has actually been growing over the years; it now roughly stands at 1.25 standard deviations. No educational intervention I have seen studied using econometric methods comes close to equaling this gap. As Stanley Pogrow notes, economists seem to be all too happy to have the effect sizes they find declared practically meaningful, when often there is little to no evidence to support that conclusion.

One of the arguments made by some researchers is that these effects are cumulative: the intervention keeps adding more and more value to a student's test score growth, so that, eventually, Harlem and Scarsdale meet up. Except, as Matt DiCarlo points out in this post, you really shouldn't do that -- at least, you should only do so after pointing out that you're only making an extrapolation.

This is often where economists get into trouble: trying to translate their effects into more understandable terms...

- The interpretation of effect sizes into other measures, such as "days of learning," is often highly questionable. The CREDO studies have led the way in translating effect sizes into layman's terms -- with indefensible results. As I've pointed out previously, the use of "days of learning" in this case is wholly invalidated, if only because there is no evidence the tests used in the research have the properties necessary for conversion into a time scale. And the documentation of the validation of this method is slipshod -- it's really just a bunch of links to studies which in no way validate the conversion.

Recently, a study came out about interventions in Newark's schools and their effects on test scores. As I note in the review I did with Bruce Baker (p. 27), the effect size found of 0.07 SD was compared to "the impact of being assigned to an experienced versus novice teacher." But that comparison was based on a single study, by one of the authors, which compared teachers in Los Angeles who had no experience to those who had two years. This is hardly enough evidence to make such a sweeping statement.

In another interpretation, 0.07 SD moves test scores for a treatment group from the 50th to the 53rd percentile. Small moves like these are very common in education research...

- The influence of teachers on measurable student outcomes is practically small.I am a teacher, and I think what I do matters. I think I make a difference in the lives of my students in many ways, most of which can't be quantified. 

But in the aggregate, there is little evidence teachers have anywhere near the effect on student outcomes as out-of-school factors. As the American Statistical Association notes, teachers account for somewhere between 1 and 14 percent of the variation in test scores -- and we're not even sure how much of that is really attributable to the teacher.

One study that is cited again and again to show how much teachers matter is Chetty, Friedman, Rockoff. It's a very clever piece of econometric work, but in no way does it show that having a "great" teacher will change your life. Its effects have been run through the Mountain-Out-Of-A-Molehill-Inator to make it appear that teacher quality can have a profound influence on students' income later in life. But what it really says is that you'll earn $5 a week more in the NYC labor market when you're 28 if you have a "great" teacher (the effect if you were 30 is not statistically significant). 

Am I the only one who is underwhelmed by this finding?

  * * *

Again: I have no objection to using test scores as variables in quantitative research designs. I will be the first to say there is evidence that policy interventions like charter schools in Boston or teacher evaluation in Washington D.C.* show some modest gains in student outcomes. It's valuable to study this stuff and use it to inform policymaking -- in context.

But simply showing a statistically significant effect size for a certain policy is not enough to justify implementing it. Some economists, like Doug Harris in this interview, make a point of stating this clearly. In my opinion, however, what Harris did doesn't happen nearly enough -- which leads to pieces like Chait's, where he clearly has no idea about the many limitations of the work he cites.

The question is: Whose fault is that? Have the researchers who inform our punditocracy's view of education policy done enough to explain how those pundits should be interpreting their findings?

Chait and others like him have the final responsibility to get this stuff right. But economists also have a responsibility to make sure their work is being interpreted in valid ways. I respectfully suggest that it's time for them to start taking some ownership of the consequences of their research. Explaining its limits and cautioning against overly broad interpretations would go a long way toward having better conversations about education policy.

* What they don't show is that student learning improved after a new teacher evaluation system was put in place. More on this later...

elaine March 5, 2018

Source

Jersey Jazzman

Jersey Jazzman: Things Economists Should Start Saying About Education Research published first on https://buyessayscheapservice.tumblr.com/