#the 40+ sheet is about 10 ish hours

[darkclouud9]

um. im sorry what.

apparently I've spent the last two hours straight WRITING NAMES DOWN

[the-duckless-pond]

It is 03:54 as I begin this post and I have FINALLY finished my flash cards as of about fifteen minutes ago. Holy shit. It feels so amazing to have finally, finally done them.

Yes, I did all of chapter three which was basically entirely verbs. Yes, I did the auxiliary conjugation decks for that chapter too. And for chapters one and two. And for the new verb forms (potential and volitional) that didn’t have decks yet. All done. And then? I even pulled out Nakama 1 and entered in all the verbs from the entire book into those two conjugation decks. Holy shit. It’s done. I’m caught up on flash cards. At long fucking last.

I started around 8pm ish and took two and a half SVU breaks. I did take other little breaks to stretch or get a drink or something too, but I didn’t track how long those were. I guess overall I will say that I took two and a half hours worth of breaks. That means I made flash cards for… like five hours if I did that right. Holy shit. Fuck yeah.

I cannot believe they are actually DONE oh my godddd finally it is manageable again. Now all I have to do going forward is make the cards per each chapter. I’d say that each chapter introduces maybe 100 words and 15-20 verbs on average? So that is super doable and easy.

I don’t know what to do next. I’m still not entirely committed to pulling an all nighter. The flash cards and getting those done whatever it took was my main mission. Everything else is a bonus. I definitely want a little break no matter what I do.

Let’s see. What else is there to do that I could conceivably do well in my very caffeinated but becoming tired state.

I could…

- shower and wash my hair (or better yet take a bath and wash my hair, even if a shower does rinse better than the bath)

- Japanese test take home writing (8 sentences about a trip I will take over winter break, allowed to be lies, must contain certain grammar points)

- japanese extra credit (2 pages in the workbook, maybe with corrections? Idk)

- Japanese test review sheet (a few pages, usually 3 or 4)

- watch instructional videos on grammar points I don’t entirely understand

- line the remaining three cabinets with my contact paper like I’ve been wanting to do for a literal month now

- French exercises 2.1 to 2.3 (although those can be difficult and I am starting to get tired so maybe best saved for Tuesday)

That about sums up all my options. All of those, minus the cabinet lining which is a want, are things that absolutely need to get done that I had intended to do this weekend.

I am in a weird state where I’m yawning but I am pretty awake. Idk what to do. I’ve never pulled an all nighter studying before so how does it work? I have class tomorrow at 5:30pm but it is a review class. If I go to bed now I could wake up around noon and still have time to get more work done, but I worry about super fucking up my sleep schedule. I don’t mind going to bed around 10 or 11 and waking up between 8 and 9, but this would be the second night in a row that I would have gone to bed at like 4am, and that bodes poorly and speaks of a pattern. I don’t want that. Especially because I would have to wait until the weekend to fix it probably. Blah. It’s hard.

I did ask Charlie and she voted against an all nighter but understood my reasoning, and honestly it is such a relief to have those flash cards done that no matter what this was worth it.

I am not committed to staying up and I am not committed to going to bed, but I am very committed to taking a break. So I am laying in bed, glasses off, under the covers. I have my iPad which is probably at full charge if not close. I have my phone which I didn’t get a chance to charge because it is integral to the flash card process and it is at like 40%. My bright nightlight is on and I am on my back, not in my normal sleeping position. I am taking a break.

Boo is here on her pillow. Callie is in the dining room in the corner how she likes, last I saw with her eyes closed and snoozing. Boo seems happy. She is laying down and just closed her eyes. I felt soooooo bad earlier. Around 11pm I needed to charge my vape and I found her in bed on her pillow fast asleep.

There she is. I guess that shows you how bright my nightlight is too! It’s not actually that bright in person. It is bright enough to s the the outlines of things in the room but not so bright that I can’t fall asleep with it on.

Anyway. She was snoring and totally passed out. I really wanted to pet her and cuddle her but I didn’t want to disturb her so I just silently crept to the outlet and plugged in the cord, whispered that I loved her, abd crept back out. When it was done charging and I grabbed it she was still out cold.

She woke up the third time I went into the room. Around 1:30am I finished using my laptop but it was at half battery and I wanted it fully charged for class. So I grabbed the charger and prepared to sneak in. I made it halfway to the outlet before she let out the most heartbreaking meow. She NEVER meows except for when she really needs something (food, love, etc) so u knew she was asking me why I wasn’t in bed yet. She tried to get up but she was coming out of a deep sleep and stumbled and tripped ;~;. I rushed over to her and sat on the bed and started petting her gently and telling her that I was still studying and it was okay to go back to bed. She purred like CRAZY like wow purring so forcefully!! As if to say that she had been waiting for me all that time and she was so happy I was finally there. I stayed in bed with her sitting there while she woke up and petting her for a while. Eventually she got up to get a bite to eat and a drink of water, and I followed her out and got back to work.

After that, instead of going back to bed or to her cat tower like she does during the day, she stayed right by me. I study sitting at the coffee table on a meditation pillow with the couch right behind me. She took up position on the couch and curled right up and went back to sleep. I guess she just wanted to be by me. She is so sweet. I love her so much. I missed her while she was in the bedroom so I took an SVU break after a little and sat with her and she climbed into my lap and purred and purred. Sweet girl.

Callie mostly spent my study time atop Boo’s tower, as fast asleep as she could ever be. I didn’t want to disturb her even though I really wanted to pet her several times. She snored a handful of times and that was really sweet and melted my heart to hear her resting so soundly. She was my little companion for the entire flash card study session. She did get up once to go nap on the bathroom rug, but she moved when I went in there to use the restroom.

Gosh time is flying. Or maybe I talk to much. But it’s my diary so fuck it. It’s 4:25am as I type this sentence. I don’t feel any more or less tired than before I laid down, so I doubt sleep would come easily if I tried. I’m committed to taking a break in the form of resting quietly with my precious terminally ill cat because she wouldn’t have come back to her favorite spot without me. So I guess I will stay laying down for at least a little bit. I put in a lot of work. I’ve earned it. And it does feel nice to lay down. I was kind of hunching over when I was making my flash cards and my back is kind of sore now.

I feel like, just purely based on the amount of caffeine I have consumed since I got started around 8pm (maybe closer to 7:30pm but I wasn’t keeping track so I am saying 8), sleep is a few hours off. I feel roughly mid day level tired, only my eyes hurt a little more than normal. Probably from focusing so intently or something.

I did do the math. If I went to bed now I would wake up around 1:30pm, further worsening my sleep schedule. If I was capable of closing my eyes that is around when I would naturally wake up. It usually takes me about an hour to fall asleep, so I would end up waking up around 2:30pm ish. And because of my particular flavor of depression and executive dysfunction it is unlikely that I would make it to class. I probably wouldn’t take my so called morning medicine until like 5pm, and class starts at 5:30pm and goes until 7pm. Hm. Well then.

So what do I do? I am getting tired, that much is true, but I am always always always tired around what ends up being roughly the middle of my day. That’s why I usually have a caffeinated drink around 2 or 3pm. But with my sleep being so weird lately it’s been all off.

I think that at the very least for the sake of the cats needing a routine, I should keep the apartment dark and stay in bed laying down until at least 7am ish. I will set a series of alarms every fifteen minutes from noon to one, just in case I drift off. That should do the trick and protects me in case I do end up falling asleep. I think… that I should stay committed to resting and letting the cats rest and giving them a semabalance of everything being normal. Cats thrive on routine so that will be good for them.

I guess for now, I will test out a flash card or two (I change the font size to be larger and I want to see what it looks like) and then I will maybe read the news on the iPad or watch an episode of SVU. If I drift off, I drift off. But I won’t plan on it. Alarms are set just in case.

Boo just started snoring so I guess that’s my queue :) catch you later diary

[carterashofficial]

Parents were out of town last night so I was the designated Dogsitter of little brother. The entire night was an endeavor:

Moron boy tried to sleep in my bed, which is usually fine, but there was no room for me and my asthma was flaring up b/c my parents’ had turned the heat on and my lungs did not not like that

Then he finally gets into his house after I moved everything from his big crate in my parents’ room into the (slightly) smaller travel crate in my room. Fresh water, his toy. He proceeded have an hour-long performance of ominous licking sounds.

At this point it’s 10 at night. The house is quiet, I’m about to fall asleep. The encore of licks has ended.

Boyfriend texts me goodnight and my phone goes off.

Ding-dong-dumbass hears something outside and gets possessed and zoomies around the upstairs with his 3ft long frog toy. absolutely having a great time. Jumping on my parents bed, sprinting down the hall, back and forth, waving the toy around and living his best life.

Finally decides he’s tired and we all go back to bed.

I get up at 2:40-ish in the morning to use el baño and open a window b/c it’s too damn hot and my parents have this Nest thermostat so I can’t just change the settings to something reasonable. Butt-brain is not in his house. He is not in my room.

He is on my parents’ bed, lying flat on his back, showing off to my parents’ ceiling fan that he is neutered, and has pushed their sheets around to make a nest. And snoring. I call him a dipshit and that wakes him up.

Teddy follows me back into my room and tries to entice me into belly rubs via blocking access to my bed and showing off his belly. It’s 3am. The Fuck-to-Give bank account is in the negatives.

Finally he realizes he’s not getting pets and shambles into his house and was thankfully still there at 6:30 when I got up.

[elysianslove]

oh boy idk if you’ve ever talked about this before (i’m new to the blog, and you’re so very talented!!! you make my dumb horny heart just 🦋🦋) BUT what are your thoughts on which of the haikyuu boys are best/worst at being edged? like who’s begging and crying after 20 minutes and who’s able to hold out for hoouurrs before getting just a touch whiny. i. need to know. for science 🤲🏼

thank you so much!!! welcome to the blog my love 🥺 but omg. thoughts. so many. 

HAIKYUU BOYS THAT CAN HANDLE EDGING 

matsukawa issei; he’s purely holding out this long out of spite. as if he has something to prove, which he very much does. he’s barely bucking up into you, trying his best to hold his pants and his hisses from how borderline painful this is, but you can see how tense he is. his abs keep spasming, his biceps flexing as he fists the sheets. he keeps his legs spread for you though, lets you suck at his cock, fondle his balls, stroke at the base and squeeze at the tip with your much smaller hand. he lasts a good an hour and 10 minutes. honestly, genuinely impressive. he won’t let you get off easy though, good luck with that. 

oikawa tōru; originally, i’d think he’d be so bad at this, but honestly, oikawa’s orgasm control is so impressive? even when he’s fucking you, he’s lowkey edging himself because he always holds off until you cum. so letting you edge him isn’t too much of a problem. he definitely cries and begs like a bitch, but he lasts, oh he lasts. approximately 35 ish minutes. definitely cums without warning and without permission, and you can’t decide whether he did it on purpose to piss you off or because he genuinely couldn’t continue. it’s okay, just overstimulate him till he’s crying all over again. tōru’s a very pretty crier, after all <3

kita shinsuke; oh my god, the best boy. he’d last days if you asked him to. he’ll be quietly, as quietly as he can, panting and whining and groaning, silent tears streaming down his face every time you pull away from his cock. every time he bucks his hips up, it’s followed by a trail of “sorry, sorry, m’sorry,” that it’s just so adorable. has you cooing at him, soothingly rubbing at his thigh and murmuring that it’s okay, that he’s doing so good. he lasts around 45 minutes, but when he cums, he promises to do better next time, to last longer. anything for you <3 

sugawara kōshi; this fucking masochist. he likes it. he likes the pain. probably was the one to suggest it to you. he sits between your spread legs, back pressed to your chest with your hand stroking his dick from behind. you stroke at him until he’s so close and pull away, watching as his cock bobs desperately, and he moans for it. he’s so vocal about it, begging and pleading, but when you go to ask him if he wants to cum yet, he tells you, “no, no, i can— more, more.” he lasts 2 whole hours. it’s like, kind of scary. he does pass out after and actually scare, but he gets up a minute later with a cheeky smile like, “again?”

miya atsumu; like oikawa, he will cry and sob so fucking much, and he’ll make such a mess, but god, does he last. atsumu thrives off of praise, and having you tell him how good he’s doing for you, such a good boy, atsumu, all for me? has him drooling for it. both him, and his cock. he’ll get a little dumb halfway, almost just letting you use him, but he does whine a lot, crying and pleading for you to let him cum, but it’s all bark and no bite. it barely has anything to it. i firmly believe he’d be one of top, lasting around an hour and 30 minutes, just because atsumu gets so lost in everything, including giving up control. 

kuroo tetsurō; another one to last mainly out of spite. he wants to prove to you it’s not much, it’s not that bad, it’s easy work. you quickly make him eat his words by the third time you pull away, and it just dawns on him that he’s the one that put himself in this position in the first place. it’s no one’s fault but his own, and because he doesn’t wanna seem like a coward, backing out so quick, he lasts at least 30 minutes, and gets through it without begging, only spitting out curses and panting and groaning deeply. 

akaashi keiji; sweet boy keiji definitely lasts, all for you. he’s not too vocal either, just light curses to himself, muffled moans, broken, bitten down sobs. he genuinely does love to let you have your fun with him, because submitting to you is just so satisfying. and i can see akaashi loving edging so much because of how good the orgasm that eventually comes is. like the moment you give him permission to, he’s seeing stars, and it’s why he lasts as long as he does, why he tries to push for longer. he lasts a good 45 minutes, and he’s been trying to beat that record for a while now. don’t worry, he will. 

sakusa kiyoomi; is so fucked out, so far gone, to the point that you don’t even think he’s in control of his own body anymore. even if you told him to cum, he wouldn’t. he’s so deep in this headspace of being under your control it’s incredible. it’s mesmerizing. he looks so pretty, cock so red and wet and hard as ever, painfully so, against his pale skin, twitching and bobbing and begging for attention. he lasts 40 minutes. it’s the most gorgeous 40 minutes of both your lives. 

asahi azumane; so good! such a good boy!!! doesn’t last so long, but definitely tries his best for you. it’s some 20 or so minutes in that he cums, but he immediately starts chanting out apologies, begging for you to forgive him, to give him another chance. he continues to try until he can last so long, but it’s the fact that he’s willing to that has your heart soaring and your body heating up. 

HAIKYUU BOYS THAT CANNOT, WHATSOEVER, HANDLE EDGING

bokuto kōtarō; baby boy is crying 10 minutes in. he can’t handle it. if you tie him up, he’ll rip through them, flip you over, and fuck into you till he’s filling you up. he won’t even try. he watched a porn video where a person lasted an hour and thought, oh must be worth it, and asked you to try it on him. just. it’s just not for him. he prefers the pain of overstimulation over edging, forever. 

iwaizumi hajime; please he lasts like 2 minutes. he just hates it so much. on him, at least. he can edge you for hours, and he’d the most satisfied man on earth. but sit between his legs and tease him by sucking at his cock, only to pull away just as he’s about to cum? somebody clearly has a death wish <3 but do bring it up and ask to try it! he still won’t last lol. but make him last. watch him cry. make iwaizumi hajime cry. make him. it’s beautiful. 

kageyama tobio; mannnn kageyama can cum untouched, hands free, if you really tried. grind down against him for a minute and he’s cumming in his pants for you. he has no concept of orgasm control whatsoever, and if you tried it on him he’d just get angry at you??? like fine no sex for u tf. he lasts a good 5 minutes, so good for him or whatever. 

kozume kenma; he wants to last. he wants to. but you have him crying, sobbing, 20 minutes in, and he just unintentionally spills down your throat without warning. of course, you’d felt the twitch of his cock, but you’d wanted to see where his head was at exactly. after he came, he felt so humiliated, but he still forced eye contact with you and went, “do it again. i’ll last an hour this time.” like ok no problem for me :) 

ushijima wakatoshi; doesn’t realize he’s being edged, and when you pull away just as he’s about to cum he sits up and stares at you with a deadpan face like, “that was not very nice of you.” he just. finds it boring honestly. he doesn’t want to drag something out like that for so long. he indulges you, sure, but for like 3 minutes, before he’s like alright time to fuck you. 

hinata shōyō; hinata’s just way too overexcited. he really does put his mind to it, but i think he gets too in his head about it that he just ends up cumming right away. but it’s a ruined orgasm, cause you pull away just as he’s cumming, so it’s so not satisfying, but for some reason, hinata loved it? so yeah, lasts 0 seconds, but discovers new kink! 

HAIKYUU BOYS THAT CAN, BUT JUST DON’T WANT TO

suna rintarō; oh he most definitely can. you cannot convince me he wouldn’t be able to. as much as suna is lazy, he’s just as impatient, and he can barely handle how foreplay seems to drag on forever. he wants to be inside you, and he wants to be inside you now. it’s ridiculous. if he could though, he’d last a good hour probably. he just really doesn’t want to. 

daichi sawamura; could 100% do it if he really put his mind to it, but just. why? what’s the point of not orgasming? he just doesn’t get it </3 you can try to convince him by making him do it on you, but chances are he’s gonna realize how much he loves to do it to you only. daichi’s so possessive it’s crazy, and he gets this mischievous glint in his eye whenever he realizes how good something makes you feel, especially if it’s pain. he is a dangerous man. 

miya osamu; most definitely would be able to last hours, but again, he just doesn’t want to. it’s also not one of those situations where he prefers overstimulation either. like osamu’s plenty kinky, sure, but those two aren’t what cross his mind when you say, “let’s change things up a bit.” it’s not that he gets bored of it either. he just. doesn’t wanna do it. like he can spend time making you feel good, and vice versa, with way more different things. and he seems like a very in the moment guy, like choking you in the moment or making you squirt. yk :) 

satori tendō; oh tendō loves edging, just on you. he never really gives you a chance to ever try to with him, honestly. he just loves, loves, loves to edge you, but not because he wants to purposefully hurt you, but rather to praise you, to tell you how good you are for him, to make you feel so good when he finally lets you cum. if you were to edge him, he’d honestly probably last over two hours. like not even exaggerating, he probably would. but no, you’re more fun! 

[sharkinlovewithadolphin]

Tag game

Tagged by @died-by-the-scimitar thank you!! :D 1. what is the color of your hairbrush? shaft is made of bamboo wood, the brushes themselves are black

2. name a food you never eat: uhhhh idk, I’m quite picky, especially with the texture of food, so if the texture is gross and it’s too big to not chew in, i will usually try to avoid eating it. 

3. what were you doing 45 mins ago? watching an old try guys video

4. what’s your favorite candy bar? I don’t really have any

5. have you ever been to a professional sports game? Yes, a football game when I was 9, and I hated every second of it lol. I really want to go watch a handball game, though. 

6. what is the last thing you said out loud? “Nå” (means like.. “well then” ish) 

7. what is your favorite ice cream? chocolate, vanilla, caramel 

8. what was the last thing you had to drink? water

9. do you like your wallet? no

10. what is the last thing you ate? An ice cream 

11. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? no

12. what’s the last sporting event you watched? I mean my mom watches the eurogames in football right now, so every now and then I watch like 1 or 2 minutes when I pass the living room, but the last game i sat down and actually watched was men’s handball earlier this year. 

13. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? just... salty? lol

14. who is the last person you sent a text message to? a friend a few hours ago, telling her i would start charging her after she wrote that she lived rent free in my head 

15. ever been camping? nope. I think I want to try it though

16. do you take vitamins? no, but I should (especially d-vitamins, considering how low my numbers have been since.. always), I got them lying around and everything but I sort of just don’t take them 

17. do you regularly attend a place of worship? no

18. do you have a tan? nope

19. do you prefer Chinese or pizza? it really depends on my mood honestly, either is usually neat

20. do you drink your soda through a straw? no, i don’t drink soda and i don’t use straws 

21. what color socks do you usually wear? black or white, but i also have some pastel colored and fruit motive ones 

22. do you ever drive above the speed limit? not intentionally lol, but i do catch myself accidently driving a little too fast (usually never more than 5-15 km/h above, and i always slow down once i notice).

23. what terrifies you? life. failure. the future. death of my dog. being stuck unable to reach goals

24. look to your left, what do you see? The side of my closet that’s covered in fandom and art postcards from redbubble 

25. what chore do you hate most? dishes, changing the sheets, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the trash

26. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? g’day mate + harurinralia 

27. what’s your favorite soda? i don’t drink sodas anymore, but if i should it’s usually a wannabe cola or something citrus fruity ish

28. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? I don’t go to fast food places, but if i did i would go in

29. what’s your favorite number? 4

30. who’s the last person you talked to? my mom

31. favorite cut of beef? i don’t eat beef often, and i’m not sure what this even means lol 

32. last song you listened to? Lewis Capaldi - Don’t Get Me Wrong 

33. last book you read? Reading tipping the velvet right now, last book I finished was Romeo and Juliet I think

34. favorite day of the week? Also saturday

35. can you say the alphabet backwards? no

36. how do you like your coffee? I don’t like coffee, the smell on its own is.. nope

37. favorite pair of shoes? Don’t have a favorite. I used to love my black converses, but my feet are more happy with my current sketchers. 

38. time you normally get up? usually never before 7 (after school turned virtual for most of my last semester and i also stopped having morning shifts at work), and lately not before 9 

39. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? i love both, but i think i prefer sunsets, just ‘cause they’re easier to catch and (as you said, Fra) more colorful in terms of purple and pink etc.  

40. how many blankets on your bed? one and my duvet, but I have 2 blankets across my bedframe since its made of metal and my bed is up against the always-cold wall towards our apartment stairs. 

41. describe your kitchen very typical early 2000s danish style, hasn’t been updated in 20 years (except for my mom painting the walls a pastel pink), but not like in an outdated-ugly way i think

42. describe your kitchen at the moment. some papers on the table, bread (packaged), and my mom’s figures and stones collecting dust

43. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? I don’t drink alcohol either eeeeyh

44. do you play cards? no, but I used to love it when I was a kid, mainly go fish

45. what color is your car? I don’t have one, but my mom’s is silver

46. can you change a tire? I’ve never tried it, but I think I got the idea and might be able to should I ever need to. My mom’s husband usually changes them on her car. 

47. your favorite state? I’m not american, never set foot near america, BUT i think i like alaska, west virginia, and such, just for the environment (as seen through pictures)

48. favorite job you’ve had? I quite liked cleaning at private homes (of people I knew), which I’ve done a few times before. I work at a store right now (and have been for 3 years), though that is far from something I want to continue, to put it lightly. I got a job as a mentor (helping kids with homework and such), but I’ve yet to get any mentees, so I still can’t quite say much about it :/   Tagging: @hamykia @dandelionmeadow @nenufair @pilarsalazr @spacewitchqueen @happensweet @scimitar-and-longsword @ladyzeia @nicolosfaith 

[artificialqueens]

Landslide (Jan/Rock) - Aries

a/n - written for winter as part of our gc’s gift exchange! thanks as always to alex for beta-ing, and to stephanie’s child for providing a gorgeous cover of the titular song that i listened to for four hours straight while i wrote. also on ao3 here! <3

summary - jan moves across the country, and it isn’t as easy to adjust as she’d hoped. (a songfic based on landslide by fleetwood mac)

I took my love, I took it down / I climbed a mountain and I turned around / And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills / ‘Till the landslide brought me down

Jan decides to move out the summer after she turns eighteen, fresh out of high school and desperate for something, anything, better than the life she’s grown up to know. She pulls out a map of the states and a dartboard, closes her eyes and spins around a few times like a kid at a birthday party, and almost laughs herself sick when she sees fate has driven her to the opposite coast. She finds an apartment and spends a week or two sinking in the San Francisco life like the most cliche of tourists - tries all the instagram-worthy desserts, takes photos on every beach she can find, goes on sunrise hikes to the Golden Gate Bridge, and relishes in how different it is to home.

She meets Jaida one night at some club about half a mile from her apartment when it’s late and she’s too drunk to remember her name, and drags her home with her through giggles and clouds of smoke. She doesn’t think much of it when she’s gone the next morning, or when she just so happens to go to the same bar the next evening and just so happens to see Jaida waiting in the corner, drink in hand, dark eyes inviting and terrifying and beautiful and everything she needs. She doesn’t allow herself to think anything at all of it when it keeps happening; kisses are shared far more frequently than words, and she’s read enough trashy romance novels to know things like this come and go too quickly to warrant anything too domestic or comfortable. 

Despite this, she tries. She tries to make conversation through messed up white linen sheets and she tries not to be upset at the short answers she gets, if she gets them at all. She tries, above all else, to keep her head above water, because she’s learned fast that life here gets lonely, and an hour or two of feeling like she’s floating doesn’t neutralise the hurt in her stomach the morning after that weighs her down like rocks in her pockets. 

‘Don’t you want to stay?’ She asks Jaida one morning as she’s slipping on her shoes, ready to leave again. She looks back at Jan, visibly confused.

‘Jan,’ she sighs, standing up and twisting the doorknob, ‘you know that isn’t going to happen.’

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? / Can the child within my heart rise above? / Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? / Can I handle the seasons of my life?

She learns, faster than anything else, that the key to surviving when you’ve dropped yourself somewhere brand new is to pick one of two options and stick with it: you can either establish yourself as someone that sticks out of the norms, someone that grabs attention, or you can try your best to blend in and adapt, and act as if you’ve been there the whole time. She’s always been good at living life in shades of grey, fading into the background when she wants to, and she decides that now, she wants to, so she does. She gets a job working at the reception desk of an office building just far enough from her apartment for her to be able to class the walk there and back as sufficient exercise and gains friends that she has over sometimes, but not too often, and never for too long. 

She doesn’t frequent bars anymore - a girl her age moves in across the hall from her, and she doesn’t want to be the asshole that wanders in at two in the morning and wakes up her neighbours. They bump into each other in the halls, sometimes, and exchange a few words. One time, the girl - Jackie, apparently - invites her out for coffee, and she accepts. This isn’t blending in, insists the voice at the back of her head, but she’d look rude if she said no, so she allows herself this. Jackie’s from Iran, Jan learns, and she’s lived in California for the past year but only in San Francisco for a month, give or take. She works at a music store not too far from where they live, but can’t play any instruments (‘I just asked for the job, and they must have felt sorry for me!’), and her girlfriend is from Illinois but lives in LA, which is closer than they were originally but not close enough, and she’s a big fan of old TV dramas, and she talks a lot. It’s nice, Jan decides, to have to listen to a voice that isn’t her own. She thinks they’d be good friends, maybe, if they spoke more.

She falls into a routine more quickly than she’d like to admit. She wakes up at 7-ish, rolls reluctantly out of bed, fills her stomach with caffeine, and strides on into the office to greet one of the guys that works at the desk across her. He’s chipper as always, beaming through paperwork, somehow. He asks if Jan’s doing alright, she looks a bit pale, and Jan reflects his billion-dollar smile right back in his face and lies through gritted teeth. He doesn’t seem convinced, but doesn’t push. Jan clocks out that evening and walks home, averts her eyes when she passes the shitty bar she knows too well. She walks past Jackie in the hallway and smiles half-heartedly but doesn’t stop to talk, and she hates the way Jackie glances at her, eyes are full of pity as she watches her walk into her apartment.

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing / ‘Cause I’ve built my life around you / But time makes you bolder / Even children get older / And I’m getting older too

Jan’s phone rings at half past six in the morning every morning for a good week before she admits defeat and picks it up. The voice on the other end is too perky, too loud, to be heard that early, but it’s as comforting as it’s been her whole life, and she’s so glad to hear it she almost bursts into tears.

‘Jaaaaaan,’ Lagoona greets her, and Jan can hear the smile in her voice, ‘where the fuck have you been? I haven’t spoken to you in weeks!’

‘Busy,’ Jan replies, tries to make herself sound as convincingly happy as she can manage. ‘I’ve had a lot to do out here.’

‘Well, clear your calendar,’ comes the reply, and Jan has to stop herself from laughing - as if she’s seen anyone, or left the house for more than an hour at a time, for the past month. ‘We’re coming to see you.’

‘ We? ’ Jan questions. ‘As in, you and-’

‘Your whole family,’ Lagoona quips, ‘and your cat. No, duh, me and Rosé.’

Their flight lands at 10:40 on Friday night, and Jan runs herself ragged trying to make herself and her apartment presentable enough for them to take her seriously. When she leaves to catch an Uber to the airport, Jackie’s walking up the stairs.

‘Hey, you,’ she smiles, waving with one arm. ‘Nice to see you.’ The ‘going out for once’ is unspoken but obviously implied, but Jan doesn’t have the energy to get offended. She smiles, waves back, shoots back a ‘You, too,’ and runs down the stairs so she doesn’t miss the car. She greets Lagoona and Rosé at their gate with a bag of donuts and laughs at their excitement, accepts their running hugs with open arms. It’s 1am by the time they’re settled into Jan’s apartment and she’s thrown together a makeshift bed on the floor out of blankets and pillows she has lying around. It feels like a sixth-grade sleepover and it’s refreshing and comforting in a way nothing has been for months. 

Their three-day stay passes faster than any of them would like, and they’re lying in the dark on their final night talking absentmindedly about everything and nothing when Rosé sighs loudly and flicks on a lamp, sitting up and turning to Jan’s bed.

‘Jan, baby, we’re really worried about you,’ she sighs, genuine concern in her eyes. ‘I know you say you have it all together here, but you don’t seem happy.’

‘Of course I’m happy,’ Jan replies, smiling. ‘You guys are here. I’m having a great time.’

‘You know what I mean.’ Rosé looks at her, and she knows there’s no point lying. ‘I know you wanted a new start and I won’t push it, but if you’re not doing well, come home. We miss you.’

They spend the Uber drive to the airport talking about things Jan can do to make the most of west coast life, and Lagoona pulls a notepad and pen out of her purse, scribbling something down when she thinks Jan’s not looking. She hands it to her before she heads through security with Rosé, squeezing Jan’s hands and pulling her in for another hug. ‘If you don’t get all of this shit done in the next month, I’m flying you back to New York myself,’ she laughs. ‘Consider it a to-do list.’ Jan watches them walk off, waves at them through tears, and pulls the piece of notebook paper out of her pocket, unfolding it. Make a damn friend!!! is the first point. She laughs to herself, shoves the list back into her coat, and makes a beeline for the Starbucks in the arrivals lounge when someone bumps into her and knocks her phone out of her hand, sending it skidding to the floor.

‘Oh, fuck, I’m really sorry,’ says the person, bending down to grab her phone. Jan looks at her and smiles, shaking her head.

‘It’s no problem, don’t worry about it,’ she replies. The stranger holds out a hand for her to shake, and she obliges, despite how foreign it feels. 

‘I’m Roxanne,’ the girl smiles, and then her face scrunches up. ‘But nobody calls me that, ever, so I don’t know why I introduced myself that way at all. Rock. I’m Rock. And you?’

‘Jan,’ she says, slightly taken aback. She shoves her hand back into her pocket, and it closes around Lagoona’s list. ‘Hey, would you wanna go get some coffee, maybe?’

Oh, take my love, take it down / Oh, climb a mountain and turn around / And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills / Well, the landslide will bring it down

Come October, Jan’s decided to scrap the routine, but there are bits she likes to keep. She calls Lagoona and Rosé every Friday night at seven, for one, and they update each other on how their weeks went. She sees Jackie every day, obviously; now they’re working at the same store, they commute together and talk a lot more. Jackie’s girlfriend’s coming to stay for a week soon, she tells Jan when they’re walking home one evening, and she thinks it’d be a good idea if they all went out to get drinks or something - or coffee, she suggests, if that’s easier. 

‘It depends when,’ Jan smiles, but nods. ‘I’d love to, but you won’t be able to get me out of the house on Friday nights.’

Rock knocks on her apartment door later that night, a bag of Chinese takeout in one hand and a Legally Blonde DVD in the other.

‘You said you didn’t know what we could do,’ she grins, ‘so I thought this was pretty reliable.’ She strides inside, throwing the food onto the kitchen counter and pulling Jan into a hug. ‘I’m proud of you, you know.’

Jan laughs, hugs her back, pushes the door closed behind her with her foot. ‘For what?’

‘Just in general,’ Rock replies. ‘I think it’s nice to hear that sometimes. You wanna watch Reese Witherspoon go to law school while we eat, or after?’

Jan smiles a lot more now. Rock says it’s one of her favourite things about her, but Jan’s convinced she’d say that about anything, providing it’d make her blush. It makes a change, though she’s not sure it’s a bad one - she’s still not wholly used to seeing herself in brighter clothes and happier expressions in mirrors, but she’ll do what she can to stand out.

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 7

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day 181: Typing on day 182. I received an email from someone at DSM who had got my CV from Helen Proctor (she was the manager that interviewed me along with the founder) and wants me to interview for a IT business consultant role for a shoe firm (Loakes) in Kettering. I called the chap and had a quick chat and arranged it for Wednesday.

A few beers, as it’s Friday, and caught up via video chat with Foggy and Irish Mike (Foggy’s on quarantine having holidayed in the south of France). It was a late one and they were both pissed, but nice to chat. Andy and Ham were meant to join but were no shows - Ham had his sister’s funeral this week - might explain it.

Day 182: I messaged Ham - he went round his folk’s house after work last night as his two sisters were there. I have to admit, I am ignorant of all of Ham’s brothers and Sisters so he may well have meant one was Preaya in an urn.

Someone on the Oundle Chatter FB group asked about Google Hangouts (on behalf of her son who is attending college and they have online classes using it. I am now about to look into it for her. Why did I get involved. It’s 8pm on a Saturday, ffs!

Update, I researched it and messaged her - seems I hit a nail on the head and she seemed suitably grateful. Booze and pizza coming right up (at 9:15pm)

Day 183: Up at just before 2pm - I drank shed loads last night and went to bed after 4am. Faffed about but did manage my stair climb, a 10km walk and I am now making a roast dinner-ish tea (chicken breast stuffed with red leicester and wrapped in bacon) with all the veg and yorkies (I am trying to empty the freezer as it needs defrosting).

Day 184: I posted on FB that today was half a leap year of lockdown (that’s wrong, should have been yesterday). Rachel replied that it isn’t lockdown anymore. I replied that it is for me but that got me thinking - are we officially in lockdown still? Checked, and we are. Posted that on the same thread and Badger replied that the current level of lockdown has been uprated to level 4, whatever that actually means. Rachel’s post worries me - 1. ‘cos it’s indictative of the far-too-relaxed attitude and, 2. I wasn’t even sure even though I’m still observing the same lockdown behaviour that I was before Boris made his announce on March 23rd. Scary how facts bleed into fiction. 

Jim contacted me today, asked me to call. I did so, he says I’ll be asked to return to work (from home) on the 5th October (two weeks). Shirley from HR will be in contact. I’ll believe when I see the email from her! 

Day 185: Boris announced a tightening of the relaxed lockdown including pubs shutting at 10pm. None of it really affects me since I’m still in as full a lockdown as when it started.

Received an email from John Morton at DSM for an interview at Loakes tomorrow (Wed) at 09:30am.

Received a Facebook message from the editor at Oundle Chronicle - he wants to do a short article about the photos I take and post on the Oundle Chatter fb group.

Day 186: Interview went ok.

Called Dad and Rita to let them know that I received an email from RCI confirming that I will be back at work on the 5th of October.

In the evening, Facebook had posts concerning somebody walking round Creed Road with a knife in his hand, and the police getting involved!

Day 187: Spend spend spend. Paid my speeding fine today £357, my water bill £147, bought two new duvet cover sets and two new sheets £58, a new pair of walking boots (my relatively new Hi-Tec are leaking and falling apart) £75. Oh, and the car insurance renews day after tomorrow, £230. Thank fucking fuck I’m being taken off furlough!

Day 188: Friday and I’m going to have a few beers and watch a couple of films.  I’ve been trawling through Seinfeld and am most the way through S3, and it’s brilliant. The Kramer character is mentally good. One episode had the actress who played Janice in Friends - that episode is a classic - which also included an scene whereby the cast are all exclaiming ‘Saturday night’ similar to the Friends TikTok trend. Got a call this morning about a service delivery lead role for EPM, a education service provider, based in Huntingdon. It’s a good role, very involved, reporting directly to the head of IT. But it’s only £32k pa. I replied to the email the recruiter subsequently sent to say I am interested but that salary is less than £5k pa than I am on now as a 2nd line support techie!  Lastly, I am well on my way to doing 500,000 steps in September!

Day 189: I was woken by the doorbell - a delivery of one of the duvet cover sets. On the door mat was a missed parcel delivery note from Ryal Mail (I have to get whatever it is from Warmington PO) and a note from next door (No. 34) asking for me to turn my music down at 10.30pm. That’s fair enough but....10.30pm! What are they, 80 years old? I have felt low today. There is no rhyme nor reason as to my moods suffice to say I am not of the happiest dispostion on a permanent basis, resigned to being alone. In fact, I have come to terms with the fact I’ll die alone but, it seems, some days I cope with it a lot worse than others. On that cheery note, it’s 8.45 pm on a Saturday night so, I am about to launch into some beers, weed and pizza. I think tonight I’ll seek out the second John Wick film - watch the first last night - so fucking good. You gotta love Keanu!

Day 190: Hopefully the last Sunday of having an enforced no-work-on-Monday so I’m going to have a beer or two (it’s now 8:20pm - just cracked open a Bud), watch American Sniper and eat Chilli and naan bread and onion rings. I did a 12 km walk today - I recall a time when 40-45 minuts walking was enough. Today’s walk was 2 hours! I know it’s only walking but I feel fitter than I have for years; still unfit, but fitter. Day 191: Well, I enjoyed the decadence of boozing last night but it meant getting up at after midday! Still managed two walks, trip to Tesco’s in Hampton after picking up the mystery parcel from Warmington PO. It was two unknown bottles of beer for a marketing campaign I entered a few days ago! I have to not open the beers until I receive instruction whereby I’ll be joining in with other drinkers in video chat! Day 192: Smahed 500k steps for September with one day to go! Cleaned the kitchen - I’m going to do the whole house over the next few days while I have the free time since I’m back to work on Monday.  The lad from next door called round this eveing to ask if I got the note. When I said yes, he told me they (he and his partner) can still hear music. FFS! I asked where their bedroom was, it’s along side mine, so I guess it’s the TV sound that is travelling up and disturbing them. Great, fuck knows what I should do if I want to watch anything after 10:30pm. I suppose going back to work is good timing..I shall be going to bed around that time myself, especially if I want to get up early to get a walk in before starting at 09.00 am.

Day 193: Typing on day 194. Only managed one walk today, before 9.00am. It made a great change walking that early. I then set about doing housework (which I started yesterday) - I want to clean the house from top to bottom before going back to work. i.e. while I have time during the working week. I did the Kitchen yesterday and the whole lounge today. It’s fucking knackering. I managed 519k steps in September, works out at 9.6 miles per day, which is good and, also, annoying. I have taken delivery and laundered all my new bedding. It’s brushed cotton lushness, can’t wait to try it. Last ‘happy hour’ of (this current) furlough, so I had beers (and a fucking spicey sausage casserole)...hence penning this a day late.

Day 194: I didn’t get out of bed until nearly 2pm, FFS. Spome with Ricky Roberts about kayaking, it sound sliek something I could take up but, I would need to join the boat club to have somewhere to get in and out!

Day 195: Sueanne from work called to let me know she’s taking over from Jim ‘til new yer and that the team are looking forward to my return - lovely. Dad called, he and Rita are fine as usual - lovely.

Day 196: Got up fater 2pm. I was seriously fucking wasted last night. Had a video chat with Fog - just checked, it ended at 02.04am and I did a lot more drinking and smoking after that. I still managed a 9.7km walk and am now going to settle down to a few (just a few!) beers, shepherds pie and watch Casino. Day 197: Quiet Sunday with some bizarre results in Super Sunday in the prem. Man U lost at home to Spurs 1-6 and Liverpool were thrashed at Villa Park, 7-2. Work tomorrow, feeling a little apprehensive, not sure why. Got to go to the office (to reset password) at 09.00am

Day 198: Back to work. It went OK. I had to go to the office so that my a/c could be enabled and password reset and t get VPN working. There were a few problems but I was back home and logged in OK in the afternoon. Saw Mark in the office - he’s lost weight and was telling me about a cycling accident - I knew about it, but I didn’t realise he had been in hospital and had a plate put in his shoulder. He also has the exact same issue with codeine as me! I am pleased to be back at work but it’s different - no Jim and Sueanne in charge is the main thing. I’m just going to keep my head down; it’ll be for the best.

Day 199: Second day back at work and I’m (trying to) crack on with it. It’s all coming back... New walking boots arrived today (I have them on as I type); I reckon I’ll be OK to walk in them with no breaking in. That’s just as well as my evening walk took me by the marina and the path between the lock, the small bridge and, especially, the larger bridge into the field at the bottom of Basset Ford Road was flooded, no way my boots will be dry for tomorrow.  I did my stair climb before work, 3.5 km walk at lunchtime and then a long, second one, as mentioned, later. I want to try and do a short walk before work in future, hopefully. On the way back from the lunchtime walk, I saw the lad from next door who thanked for me keeping the music down as per the note he left, so, that’s all good.

Day 200: I’ve started a work diary,  à la ENDC....nowhere as urgently required but I just think it’s a good idea.

I wore my new boots for the lunchtime walk (3.6km) and they’re fine. However, I didn’t use them in the evening, they niggled the left foot a bit, so some breaking in is required. My usual ones were just about dry enough having been sat on the radiator! Day 201: Popped into the office today to pick up my full headset dongle, did a quick shop at Asda. So, only one walk today. I have not yet managed to get a walk in before work, just the stair climb, so missed out on a lunchtime walk today since I was shopping. Did 8.5km in the evening. Bought a card online for K’s birthday. Not sure why, we seem not to be communicating - I haven’t heard from her for over a month now which, as mentioned before, I shouldn’t find as hard as I do. The card’s pretty cool though, a quip about just getting a card as a present would involve non-essential travel. Now I am back at work, I want a to do loist app. I recall a smart one that was a linear/curved affair that I saw on Producthunt but, fuck me, I couldn’t find it after over an hour looking. Then I checked Google apps and there it was (Lightpad.ai) - I was chuffed and relieved. The lad from oundle School has been trying to get hold of me via Messenger (he tells me by email) so he can interview for the article in the Chronicle. He has pencilled in Saturday at 6pm.Fuck knows if it will go ahead, the whole thing is sketchy. Day 202: First week back at work over and done. I ordered some stuff from Amazon (slippers and socks) and they offered a free trial of Prime, which is the norm, but, seeing as I have had a free trial under that a/c, I assumed it would error, as I have seen before. This time it didn’t! So, tonight, I just about to have some beers, eat pizza and watch The Gentlemen,. It was suggested by Miles on FB when I asked for  recommendations. It’s been on my to-watch list since its release. I need some cheering up, I’m having a low ebb today.Day 203: Typing on day 204. The Gentlemen was pretty good. I had lots of beers and smoke and went to bed fucking late, gone 4am. Up at lunchtime. I was meant to be going up Foggy’s for a few beers and to listen to Cobblers vs Posh but I sacked that off. I went for a walk at tea time when it got dark fucking quick and pissed down. I didn’t mind ‘cos Posh won 0-2. I watched two films in the evening: Master and Commander: Far Side of the World and Official Secrets. Both excellent. Day 204: Another late night, so up at just before 2pm. 12.64 km walk! I’m going to make stirfry and watch Knives Out...taking advantage of Amazon Prime.Day 205: I didn’t watch Knives Out last night, Amazon Prime was playing up. Tonight, however, after uninstalling and reinstalling the LG app, it’s working again. But, rather than a film, I have started watching The Boys series. 3/4 through the first episode and I’m kinda hooked. Another long walk tonight (I didn’t go out before work or at lunchtime), over 5 miles. My new boots are a marvel...they’re still new - I can tell I’ve got a little bit of wearing in still to do, but, pretty much from the off, I can walk long distances in them. I’m impressed. I think, because they are so light, they may be susceptible to the cold, especially now I can walk for longer periods without hypo-ing. The snow and frost will be the test.Day 206: Bit of a frustrating day at work. I am pleased I have a diary of events to update, that’s all I will say on this potentially public diary. Had a chat with Mark about certain aspects of the day, it was a good chat whereby he agreed with some of my gripes. In the evening I took part in a Ipsos marketing test of two beers with a whole bunch of people online. Ultimately, you have to choose one of two beers you prefer and answer questions why. It’s then revelaed which beer you chose. The beer I iked best was Stella but 4.6%, I think that’s the next product iine for them. You don’t get to find out the other beer. I shoudl recieve a £15 amazon voucher for partaking. If that actually happens, I’m going to buy a pair of gaiters. My new boots are fab (although I did turn my ankle last night) but their insides don’t half attract gravel and debris.Day 207: A productive day incorporating ToDoist with work and GCal, I have sacked off Lightpad.ai (it was too cumbersome moving tasks between dates) - so I managed to tick a few things off the task list as a result (responding to Jo Broom’s voicemail, chasing an eye appointmen, for example). Tim came round and did the garden, nice chinwag. I saw little Derek the other day, as well, he’s not coping great with the whole pandemic atm, certainly now lockdown has relaxed, he’s not as social as before. Day 208: Had a chat with Sueanne today, which is not unusal, and I was asking about creating KBs...she remarked how well, and quickly, I getting up to speed. It pleased me. I am having battered fishcakes, potato wedges and peas for tea. I am looking forward to it the most ridiculous amount (it’s cooking as I type). I shall eat as I watch more of the rather excellent The Boys. Seinfeld is on the back burner atm. Day 209: Emily Folgate’s room mate at uni has tested positive for Covid19! Marc’s avoiding the pub and I am glad I didn’t pop up there last Saturday! Bumped into Ash and Dee when i walked past the vets, chatted for 5 mins, it was really nice to see them. The lady next door (38) stopped me outside to say she recently realised that it was me who posts photos to FB, and said they’re ‘amazing’! End of week 2 back at work. As I type, I’m on my first beer, about to have many more and a smoke, half way through The Trial of the Chicago 7 on Netflix. Living the dream! Day 210: Things got messy last night. Sugar levels were a mess. I couldn’t even make it upstairs at one point, laid down on the long rug nursing a big bottle of coke. Got up at around 1pm and did usual shit, now having a beer, spicy sausage casserole in the oven (and it is fucking spicy) and I’ll pick a film to watch in a bit. Posh won, 2-0 at home to Oxford, up to 4th, one point behind Lincoln.

[wasalwaysagreatpickle]

Sunday 4 October 1829

8 1/4

1 25/..

Went out with Lady Stuart to the well at 9 1/2 – breakfast at 10 – all at the cathedral at 10 40/.. (service begins at 10) for about 1/2 hour to hear the music – home before 12 – Lady Stuart and Miss Hobart read the morning prayers in 1/2 hour –

Came to my room at 1 – wrote 3pp. and the ends to Miss Maclean still uncertain how long we should be here – but beg her to write to me aux soins de Messers [Daniel] Danoot fils and [cse] as before à Bruxelles – want to know how she is and what chance there is of her coming to us – if any chance, it might surely be contrived for me to meet her at Ostende, and bring her back – the waters here have done Lady Stuart good, because they have renovated her spirits – time will shew how far the effect will be lasting – merely said of Miss Hobart she would be satisfied with her looks – mentioned my journey along the Rhine, etc. with Lady Gordon then wrote 3pp. to Mariana our plans uncertain but to write to me at Paris the moment of receiving this letter – the not hearing from her the great drawback on my travelling – mention my little tour with Lady Duff Gordon, and her younger son Mr Gordon as very agreeable – no journey could be taken under happier auspices – delighted with Francfort – enjoyed ourselves much at Ems – even talked of travelling together next year if nothing particular occurred to either of us to prevent it – she a very agreeable person and very musical and she and Miss Hobart sing together – sorry she goes tomorrow –

Then as if indirectly mention the going of Lady Isabella Blatchford our two Lords Graves and Forbes and our charming polonaise the countess Zamoyska 

Concluded my letter to Mariana in a hurry, saying that we and the Gordons and a son of sir George Wombwells were going to dine out – at 3 1/4 sent off my letter to ‘Miss Maclean of Coll 21 Southampton Street Camden Town London’ (Miss Hobart wrote the 2 latter parts of the direction) and I added only ‘Angleterre’, and sent off also at the same time my letter to Mariana ‘Lawton hall, Lawton cheshire Angleterre’ – 

Lady Gordon here – Lady Stuart and Miss Hobart went to call on Mrs Meason at the hotel de l’Empereur (where Napoleon [was]) – not come – and Lady Gordon and I walked to Louisberg where Cosmo and young Wombwell followed – Lady Stuart and Miss Hobart had arrived before us – found the former sitting out in the balcony sketching – 

Dinner at 4 20/.. – a bottle of Moselle, ditto claret saint julien and ditto Marcobrunner – all good – and very fair dinner – at least all seemed satisfied –

Lady Gordon and I very good friends I rather flatter her in the score of her being agreeable she arguing against it saying she had never an offer but the one she accepted and no offer of marriage since her widowhood I said as to this that really her circumstances had been fearful all her debts to which anyone who married her would be subject etc. yes she owned I was right in that asked if I should ever behold her again yes she hopes so in Paris and London agreed she is not to go to Spain or anywhere abroad without letting me know in time to go with her 

Cosmo in wild boyish spirits – Lady Stuart returned alone in the carriage and we all walked (Lady Gordon and Mr Wombwell – Miss Hobart and Cosmo and I 

She had hold of his arm and mine and we galloped) 

along the boulevart to Lady Gordon’s to leave her at home, and then Miss Hobart and Mr Wombwell and I got home at 7 1/4 - Lady Stuart was gone to the Comtesse Zamoyska’s – dressed – Lady Gordon came and she and Miss Hobart and Cosmo went to the Comtesse – Miss Hobart came back in 1/4 hour for me, and I got there at 8 –

Lady Stuart sat working her worsted border on muslin – Cosmo and I played several games at écarté having found the cards on the table – Lady Gordon and Miss Hobart sang – home at 9 3/4 – the little girl very handsome – beautiful hair – had it taken down – reached almost to her ankles – Miss Hobart tired went to bed at 10 – I sat talking to Lady Stuart till 10 40/.. – then stood talking to Miss Hobart till 11 1/4 – 

Talking of the Gordons I at last said perhaps it might have been as well not to have made the appointment with him at eight and a half this morning but he was not ready so she rejoiced she had not gone to borcette but only walked about at the well she said it was very foolish was not like her in general cried over the folly of it and got nervous but thanked me for telling her of it had he been a year or two older she would not have done it envied everyone who had a brother who cared for them she had almost now got over her care about hers consoled her wished I had done as few foolish things as she had done fewer than most but told her she was not generally conciliatory in her manner and sometimes seemed cross to Lady Stuart and all men would observe it said I myself had only made up my mind whether she had much heart or not oh that said she is because I was cross to you individually I mentioned Valenciennes kissed her two or three times and came away said I would just wish her good night when she was in bed but she begged me not 

Came to my room at 11 1/4 – 

oh oh thought I I see my person when there was talk of her having no German lesson at eight tomorrow morning she said why not if Cosmo asked me to walk I should get up but to be sure that would be more interesting than German when I joked her this morning and said I would roast Cosmo oh no said she do not if he liked his bed better as if annoyed that he should have done so what pleasure can she have in the society of much a nouseless boy of seventeen? how prefer his senseless conversation to German his company to mine? the breeches how true that a womans prudery saves her she at twenty six thus pleased with seventeen! twouldo her good to marry I wonder whether I have really ever caused her the least excitement is she ever conscious feeling till she can better understand it with Cosmo? she came into my room while I was writing took up some of my Francfort paper saying she should take a couple of sheets which she did adding how nice it is to have anyone whom one can treat like a dog I merely laughed and joked about it how little she knows me I would gladly make a good connection for blood and money but she would not suit me I should be shockingly puzzled how to be off if she was more inclined for me poor [Pi – Mariana] if she had not these whites so that I am always afraid of her I should be satisfied enough -

Writing the whole of the above of today which took me till 12 50/.. threatening clouds all the day, and no sun, and coldish, but yet the rain held off. save a few drops – and finish, or, at least fair day –

[breezethegame]

Dev Log #1-ish?

Seeing how I missed like two weeks of mini blog posts, I’m deeming this one an actual “Devlog” (fanfare and such yada yada). I'm just going to call it a Dev Log.

So much has gone on the last few weeks that I’m struggling to piece it all together, so here is an attempt:

Computer Adventures:

So, I don’t haven’t built a dev machine from the ground up for years now, (maybe since college?) and typically just upgrade parts as I see fit (graphics card, ram, processor, etc).

Well, my motherboard has been giving me problems for close to a year now, where it occasionally decides “yeah, don’t really care about your boot device today”, as well as other miscellaneous things that required me to do things like removing the CMOS battery or main drive. I was also running out of upgrade options, so I got a bit fed up and decided it might be time to replace it.

I wasn't going to be cost-effective to get another LGA1150 board and CPU, and I try to build computers with future-proofing in mind. I was also looking to get a smaller case too. I already had a nice GPU (GTX 1070) that I got a couple years ago before cryptocurrency “did the thing” and graphics card's prices got ridiculous, so didn’t have to worry about replacing that.

Ultimately, I decided to do a "completely new" build.

I’ve been building computers for friends and family for many years, so I literally woke up the next day and said, “I’m about to build this thing blind”.

Well, kinda learned the hard way of the hassle of going at it that way (along with committing a couple noobish mistakes)...

Shopping Time!

Lesson 1: Double check store inventory before heading to a store that's 20 miles away

Well, I choose the nearest Fry's Electronics (it was Saturday, and I really wanted to get a machine built the same day). I get there and start looking for all of the cases and motherboards (severally disappointed that they only had one Micro ATX board in stock, something I was looking to get for the more compact build, but not as restrictive as a Mini-ITX, which they had several of). Impatient as ever, I decided I was going to pick it up.

While looking at other things, I hear another customer talking to sales rep, and the rep mentions that they don’t have a certain CPU in stock. After listening even more (I’m noisy, sorry), he mentions that they have NO Intel CPUs in stock. I decided that I had to get in on this convo.

He informs up that as of late, their store may receive like, 10 at a time, and also mentions that their other location doesn’t have any either (both of these locations are 20+ miles away from me in Dallas).

I also find out that they don’t have the specific ram I was looking for either (I ended up getting something a little pricier). He ends up informing me that the Micro Center 10 minutes away from where we were should have some CPUs.

So I end up at the Micro Center and they did have the CPUs, as well as a case that caught my attention. They also had a lot of other nice things too! Kind of wished I would have known to go to Micro Center first, despite it being much farther from home.

Building Time!?

Lesson Two: Get a head-start of figuring out your plan for wire management and how pieces will fit in your new case

I got home and was ready to build. I spent a lot of time trying to get the interior wire management together since it’s a much smaller case than my last one. I ended up spending a couple of hours getting it just right (I don’t intend to go back into this machine once it’s complete since I’m nearly maxing it out spec wise for now), before moving out to everything else.

Getting my old water-cooling radiator in was a bit tough (a very tight squeeze), but after that, adding in the ram, etc was a Breeze.

Hours went by, I installed Windows, software, etc…

I go to shut it down (after having done several restarts for the software installs prior), and it doesn’t want to power off. After 10 minutes of waiting, I manually power it off. Whatever, I’m super tired at this point.

The next day (Last Sunday), I’ve encountered several other smaller issues. Updating the BIOS didn’t help either. Great…

Okay, Building Time For Real

Lesson 3: Kinda make sure things boot up and work before you get too early to clean/tighten things down in your build

After taking the whole thing apart, I ended up swapping out that mobo for another of the same kind (since Frys didn’t have any others), but then ended up ordering different board on Amazon. So waited another day or so and the new board arrived (it’s now Tuesday evening).

I rewired/rebuilt the computer once again, installed the software, etc. I spent most of Wednesday day checking in with the team and catching up with emails and such. Then Thursday as I was beginning to do some work, I noticed that the computer was saying that my Windows wasn’t activated. I go to my Microsoft account to retrieve my key, and the page wouldn’t load to provide me the key and would only show the transaction.

Lesson 4: Make sure to keep your activation key(s) somewhere other than online/digital if you can

It’s super late and the option to speak to someone was obviously closed, but they had a chat option, so I reached someone through there. After back and forth for a while, and him remoting into the machine to check the activation status, he tells me that the key might not be showing up because it was an “upgrade”, so I would need to buy another copy of Windows 10 again.

Lesson 5: Tell "Aaron" from Microsoft no over and over, and don't fall for possibly sketchy things like sales pitches that come out of nowhere

I originally bought Windows Home and upgraded it to Pro on the same day back in 2015, so I told him that and he kept insisting that I buy Windows 10 again. I refused and told him that I wouldn’t and that I’d take care of this in the morning, and he then offered that I could pay a smaller fee to reactivate my Windows 10, but it would be a one time fee of like, $40. (I refused again).

When I go to end the remote session, he then informs me that he “Really wants to help me out” and ends up activating it anyway. (This whole thing seemly suspicious, I ended up recording it). I watched him activate Windows for over 10 minutes through some manual process (it's almost 2am, and I had work in the morning). He eventually finishes and thanks/apologies. Not sure why I even had to go through all that, but whatever...

I ended up spending Friday wrapping up installs and doing a fresh system backup afterward, before moving along with pulling down the Breeze project from source control, and reminding myself of where I left off…

Anyway, long story short, I tried to get a system built in a day, and it ends up taking almost a week!

Okay, but did you get any dev done these last two weeks?

Yeah, somehow!

Health Bar and Health System:

First thing the team and I did was evaluate a few things that are critical, but we’ve been bouncing back and forth on: The Health System

(WIP of a concept we're working on for his health bar)

The reason for this is mostly for game balancing purposes:

Is this a game that focuses on having Breeze (the player) overwhelm his opponents with an array of abilities (think Devil May Cry/Bayonetta, Kingdom Hearts, God of War?)

Or is this a game where Breeze must focus on finding openings to deal damage and avoid an onslaught of danger (think Hollow Knight, Ori, Megaman, pretty much most NES/SNES platformers)

Game design… is hard at times. Sometimes you think something will work well in theory, but when you get down into the specifics, you begin to question how certain things will balance out.

You’d think something like designing a health bar isn’t too trivial, until you realize that the Health bar represents the player’s health, and the player’s health influences the character’s survivability, which is then tied to other factors: what options does the player have to “survive” and what threatens that?

Anyway, not going to get too deep into that because I lack the PhD.

Basically, there was a bit of a rift in the UI design process that led to really evaluating game design items, and I’ve been working towards seeing what Breeze’s options are and how to limit them in areas, or how I can build the world and it’s inhabitants in a way that will make this all work out.

It’s not going to be something that will likely be answered quickly, but nevertheless, that’s Game Design™ sometimes...  

Frame Data:

[Insert Craig of the Creek frame data meme here]

I used to have a really convoluted way of tackling this in which I would have events in the animation that if given an ID, it will look for a set of “Frame Data” and then look for a specific frame and then load that information up.

It would then pass that frame information into the active hitbox and if something is in it, math and physics and stuff would happen.

I didn’t change this up too much, but I did reduce the setup process by allowing you to just drop the FrameData right into the frame of the animation (no more extra array and ID lookup stuff!)

New Particles:

We’ve got new particles! There’s one for jumping/landing/dashing dust, as well as one for wall sliding.

In the last update, I added a feature that generates “points” at the edges of a character’s collider box (as well as other “checks”), so this helped in making sure that the particles are created in the right place. This was especially challenging with the wall sliding particle.

Also, with the wall sliding particle, I needed to implement a way to have a “looping” particle effect, as well as making sure the particle effect follows Breeze as he’s moving down the wall

Developing Sprite Model Sheets

We've got models sheets completed for just about all of the cast members, though, since there's several artists on the project, as well as animators (including I), I wanted to get some sheets together that would work as a base for animators to use, and to eliminate elements that aren't needed in the sprites (minor details that would be seen in promotional art or more detailed art in general), as well as get a proper size for the characters in-game.

Misc. Features

I’ve done various other quality of life code changes to make it easier to do certain things, like creating new attacks, making the screen pause/slow-mo when Breeze changes forms, and updated my Debugging Manager so that I can hide/show certain debug messages.

I’ve also been working on a RoomManager, and writing features to look handle what happens when the player enters a room (like starting a cutscene, showing UI, spawning things, etc)

I’ve also been looking into updating the game’s Music Handler, mostly for how to handle looping a song after it's intro plays, as well as finding ways to add effects to tracks!

Other Breeze things:

I’ve been working on getting shirts done through Teespring, and I would have loved to show off some of the shirts I ordered, but Teespring shipped them using DHL, and somewhere between DHL and USPS, my shirts have been sitting in shipping limbo for 5-6 days, despite being like a city or two away from me… Maybe tomorrow ~

Also, working on a couple of enamel pin designs! Haven’t figured out the maker yet, but designs are coming along nicely!

Quick Test Build Coming

So, a week or two ago, I planned on releasing a quick build for the Drop Tier backers and above. There was a lot of features and such that I wanted to get done... before my computer stuff happened. Our goal was to have one out before the end up March, so....

I’m going to release one anyway. Maybe tomorrow?

I’ll be creating a post for those in the eligible tiers once I’m done compiling/building it! Please keep in mind that this build will be very minimal and exists to test out controls/physics. I wanted to make a strong first impression, but I'll chill on the whole "striving for perfection" thing for now!

Also, I'm on vacation this week, so I'll be cramming on Breeze stuff this whole week to make up for lost time!

[the-coconut-asado]

THE SPIRIT OF SWISSMASS

My daughter likes her Christmases to be cold-climate Christmassey. Which is unfortunate as most of our festive seasons in recent years have been spent near the equator. 

Between my family in Buenos Aires and Adam’s in Fiji the spruces always have to be plastic and the fans on full blast. One memorable Christmas Day in BA we ate our cold cuts buffet-style standing in my cousin’s swimming pool to counter the 38C heatwave; and on one Christmas Evening in Suva we dived into Star Wars: The Force Awakens in a packed Damodar Centre, motivated not by MIllenium Falcons but the cinema’s industrial-strength aircon.

However, every few years we swap our snorkels for snow boots and head for Switzerland. My cousin Dorothy, in a singular diaspora phenomenon, is one of several Latina women who have married Swiss men and live in or around St Gallen, about an hour east of Zurich. 

It’s fair to say that Doro has sought out every other living Argentine, Guatemalan and Spanish national within a 10 mile radius and made friends with them. And what about Swiss friends? A cultural aversion to spontaneity makes that difficult (though not impossible). Doro has been known to scare the bejeezus out of other mums that she has tried to drop in on when in their neighbourhood. Pretty common practice in BA but the Swiss, it seems, like to keep things formal.

St Gallen is  a chocolate-box-meets-cheese-board town nestling in the mountains; Heidiville complete with the sound of distant cowbells and a speculaas-heady aroma billowing from the Christmas market. The cobble-stoned Cathedral square hosts what I would wager is a bigger festive tree than the one outside 30 Rock in New York, and on Christmas Eve the whole town gathers around it for the serious - and it is serious -  business for carol singing. You can’t get more Christmassey than this.

Actually, to say Doro married a Swiss guy is only half true. Alejandro’s other half belongs squarely in Barcelona, so there is a proper cultural mix around their table on Christmas Eve: Alejandro’s twin sister Patricia from Barcelona, his brother Nico (feet squarely rooted in St Gallen, who talks of a trip to London as a Tripitaka-like quest he will one day complete) and Nico’s girlfriend Jenny whose father Ruedi owns and runs the Kobelt Brewery in neighbouring Appenzel with his San Franciscan wife Karen. As you can imagine, the cuisine is deliciously eclectic and the noise volume at a pitch only dogs can hear without screaming. 

And the board games, well, they just get plain nasty. 

If Doro loses a few rounds of Texas Dominoes her middle finger stays up for the night. And after losing an intense round of fussball with Ruedi on Christmas Day at the Brewery, Patricia was heard to mutter ‘tosser’ as she left the table (followed by ‘fack you’, which my 12 year old niece earnestly corrected to ‘fuck you’). Screeches of laughter and explosive cussing from breakfast bucks fizz to evensong and pretzels. 

But back to the safer territory of the food, and let’s start with the two things Switzerland has built its reputation on: cheese and chocolate. Just as well as outside of cheese and chocolate - and maybe some meat products - the Swiss don’t do variety. St Gallen supermarkets have isles of few things in many varieties, but like the song says, if a thing’s worth doing it’s worth doing well. Doro occasionally cheats the system by making dashes across the border to Austria to buy Argentine beef. But cheese and chocolate are always no more than an arm’s reach away. 

Although Appenzeller cheese was my top pick for many years, it’s now been overtaken by Tete de Moine (Monks Head). This is a creamier version of comte, and the paper-thin slicing with a special turntable gadget (which echoes the tonsured head of a medieval monk) is all part of the ritual of eating it. Paired with thin-ish slivers of chorizo, it makes for seductive pre-dinner ‘picos’. Add it to a cheese and potato pie (a perfect accompaniment to a Christmas rib roast if your oven, like Lara’s university one, is too small to roast potatoes at the same time) and you have an unforgettable melting pot of cheesy flavour. 

If you want to really stoke your migraine, then chocolate must follow cheese. There is a chocolate cafe near to that Hagrid-height Christmas Tree I mentioned earlier which does the most heady chocolate hazelnut drinks this side of Hansel & Gretel. And if you haven’t had enough of a fix after that then you can buy cellophane wrapped chocolate shards with nuts, or freeze dried fruit, or chilli...the list is endless. Chocolate sprinkles it’s fairy dust throughout the holiday - from Doro’s Nigella-inspired Chocolate Christmas Cake to the iced, spiced biscuits tempting you from every strategically placed bowl in the house. 

But at our most recent Swissmas, Doro decided to go off-piste and back to her Argentine roots. Dona Julia (who I have mentioned in previous blogs as the Julia Childs of Argentine cooks) has many little gems hidden in the 1950’s austerity of her work. One of them, a light mousse-like confection of cream, Aperol and grapefruit, made its Doro-debut as our Christmas eve dessert. Chilled and on-point boozy, it was the perfect end to the necessarily rich main course. 

So just in time for Christmas, wherever you are, here are three dishes that will give you an Argentine flavour of the Alps: That delectable carb-on-carb cheese and potato pie (a raclette pasty by any other name); a molten ginger-chocolate torte that will make you instinctively pull your furry collar around your ears and nestle in front of the telly; and Doro’s Aperol spritz in a dish, to give you a lighter alternative to figgy pudding. 

All worth dashing through the snow for. 

Cheese and Potato Pie (with or without Tete de Moine)

The Lancashire cheese gives this cozy pie it’s bite, but if you have some  Tete de Moine this will mellow the flavour into a pure cheese dream. If you have any leftovers, mix them into an omelette the next day. Makes a yummy packed lunch.Serves 4

Ingredients

3 large onions

50g salted butter

400g potatoes, peeled and thinly sliced

50g salted butter

200g lancashire cheese, grated

50g Tete de Moine, sorn (or use 50g grated mature cheddar) grated

100ml double cream

2 x pkts ready-rolled shortcrust pastry (or make using your own recipe)

How to Make

Chop the onions finely and add to a frying pan with the butter and 20ml water. 

Cover and simmer for 15-20 mins, then remove the lid, and continue to simmer for about another 20-25 mins until most of the liquid has evaporated. Turn off the heat, season and cool.

Boil some well salted water (consult Samin Nosrat’s Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat if you are feeling faint- hearted), drop in the potatoes and boil for around 5 minutes until cooked but still holding their shape. Drain and leave to cool while you bring your pastry to room temperature. 

Unwrap the first ready rolled pastry sheet and use to line a 20cm pie dish, letting the pastry overhang, then pop it in the freezer. 

Heat the oven to 170C/ Gas 5. 

Gently mix the onions and potatoes in a large bowl together with the grated cheeses and cream (you don’t want the potatoes to break up). Then remove the pie dish from the freezer and empty the filling into it. 

Roll out the second pastry sheet, cut a circle large enough to cover the top of the pie, then do just that: cover the top of the pie, trimming the edges, then crimping them between your thumb and forefinger until you have sealed it. 

Whisk up an egg, then paint it all over the top of the pie. Use any trimmings to cut out leaf shapes, then pop them atop the pie and paint  them with the egg wash  too. 

Bake the pie for around 40 minutes until the top is golden. Let stand for 10 minutes, then serve. 

Ginger and Chocolate Torte

One weekend in New York, I turned up at my friend Lisa’s door with ingredients for this chocolate torte, which I made with her son Jasper before we settled down to watch the Oscars. It’s like a big molten chocolate cup, the centre oozing, the edges moist and cakey. I have since added ginger syrup and crystallised ginger to the mix which give it some seasonal bite. A perfect Chocolate dish for Christmas Day. Serves 6.

Ingredients

200g dark chocolate (70% cocoa)

200g unsalted butter

300g golden caster sugar

6 eggs

100g plain flour

2tbsp. Ginger syrup from a jar of candied ginger

2 pieces candied ginger, chopped up small

To decorate:

Chopped crystallised ginger

50g dark chocolate

How to make

Preheat the oven to 180C (Gas 4). Line a 23cm loose bottomed tart pan with buttered parchment paper. 

Melt the chocolate and butter in a bowl or small saucepan over a saucepan with some gently simmering water. Stir so it is smooth and silky. Cool slightly then add the ginger syrup. 

Beat the eggs and sugar in another large bowl until light and fluffy. Add the chocolate/ butter/ ginger syrup mix with the chopped candied ginger and fold into the egg and sugar mixture. Then fold in the flour. 

Pour the mix into the lined tart tin and bake or 20-25 minutes until the top forms a crisp crust and the inside is the consistency of a chocolate mousse. Leave to cool. 

To decorate, chop the crystallised ginger pieces into small shards and decorate the tart. Melt the remaining chocolate, then pour into a piping bag (or improvise by making a piece of baking parchment into a cone, then snip the end off). Drizzle the chocolate over the surface of the cooled torte. Serve at room temperature or cold. 

Aperol Grapefruit Cups

This manages to be refreshing, decadent and Christmassey all in one. Serves 6. 

Ingredients

5 pink grapefruit

100ml Aperol

100 ml double cream

100ml whipping cream (this gives a lighter finish)

100g caster sugar

Mint leaves to decorate. 

How to make

Squeeze the juice from three of the pink grapefruits (you want 400ml), then add the Aperol. 

Pour the mixture into a shallow rimmed baking sheet and freeze for 3 hours. 

Using an electric whisk, whip both creams with the sugar and chill. Peel the skin off the two remaining grapefruit and cut them into segments (cutting between membranes so you are not left with any tough fibres). 

And now it’s an assembly job: to make the granita, use a fork to break up the grapefruit-Aperol water ice into a granita-like consistency (like shaved ice). 

Spoon alternate layers of granits, pink grapefruit segments and cream, finishing off with a layer of cream. 

Decorate with mint leaves (or as I have done here, dip mint leaves in lightly whisked egg white and caster sugar then chill, to give a frosted effect). Serve immediately.

[alexconfusion]

1-100 please (I’m serious... or at least do like 20 of em. The first twenty. But I’d prefer them all)

Is this a challenge

1 Middle Name- Katherine

2 Age- 13 (yah I know I’m a baby blah blah blah shut up guys djskdjjd)

3 Birthday- May 8, 2006 (8:29am, to be exact)

4 Zodiac- sun: Taurus moon: Virgo, I believe

5 Fav Color- blue is my aesthetic but purple is my fav

6 My Lucky Number- five

7 Pets- two guinea pigs (ginny and lily), two dogs (bailey and maya) [i will provide pics if you want]

8 Where I’m From- Massachusetts

9 Height- 5’1

10 Shoe Size- eight

11 How Many Pairs of Shoes I Own- three

12 My Last Dream- Shane Dawson fixed my family issues and helped me come out to them (it was awesome, 10/10 would do again)

13 My Talents- piano (I have soundcloud check it out if u want), writing

14 Am I Psychic- HELL YEAH I AM shoot me an ask if u wanna know more cuz it’s kind of a long story (ok maybe not actually psychic but it’s a fun story)

15 Favorite Song- Amnesia - 5sos (it makes me cry every time and I don’t even care)

16 Favorite Movie- Into the Spider-Verse

17 My Ideal Partner - idk u tell me

18 Do I Want Kids?- potentially, but if I did I would adopt

19 Do I Want a Church Wedding- nah they look boring. I was part of the wedding party for my cousins wedding and it was absolute torture

20 Am I Religious- not really

21 Have I Ever Been to the Hospital- yeah, I was seven and stepped on glass at the beach (huge gash, kinda gorey, wouldn’t reccomend) anyways I didn’t know I cut my foot open at first and walked around the beach and a fuck ton of sand got in it (I had a very rough summer)

22 Have I Ever Been in Trouble With the Law- fuck no who do you think I am??

23 Have I Met any Celebrities- nope

24 Baths or Showers- showers duh, they’re good for so many things: crying, hair washing, pretending you’re standing in the rain,

25 What Color Socks am I Wearing- striped gray with blue owls (yes they are lit)

26 Have I Ever Been Famous- uh no

27 Would I Like to be a Celebrity?- sometimes I think it would be cool because if I make a lot of money I could help a lot of people, but usually no because having privacy is important to me

28 What Type of Music do I like- pretty much anything but acoustic versions have always had a special place in my heart

29 Have I Ever Been Skinny Dipping?- no gross

30 How Many Pillows do I Sleep With- one on each end of the bed so I can flip upside down and still have a pillow

31 What Position do I Sleep in-

(It’s comfy)

32 How Big is My House- two main floors, attic, basement

33 What do I Have for Breakfast- usually nothing, either because I slept through the normal breakfast time or because I didn’t have time to eat

34 Have I Ever Fired a Gun- no

35 Have I Ever Tried Archery?- Hell yeah I did, summer camp was a wild time almost shot someone in the face

36 Fav Clean Word- twilight

37 Fav Swear Word- fuck

38 Longest I’ve Ever Went Without Sleep- forty eight hours (those were two of the best days of my life btw)

39 Do I Have Any Scars- yeah

40 Have I Ever Had a Secret Admirer- nope but I wish

41 Am I a Good Liar- fantastic, actually

42 Am I a Good Judge of Character- what,, what does this mean??

43 Can I do Any Accents- I can do a really terrible British accent but nobody likes it

44 Do I Have a Strong Accent- nope

45 What is my Favorite Accent- Australian

46 What is my personality type- on the Myers Briggs test I’m an Adventurer (it’s creepily spot on, I highly recommend taking it)

47 My Most Expensive Piece of Clothing- Are vans clothing? If so my blue high top vans that I fucking adore. If not, probably my adidas shorts or something

48 Can I Curl My Tongue- I can do the classic fold in half one and the three leaf clover. look it up, it’s cool as hell

49 Am I am Innie or an Outie- innie

50 Right or Left Handed- right, but I’m ambidextrous when playing golf and I play lacross lefty

51 Am I Scared of Spiders- a little, not a phobia

52 Favorite Food- pears or frozen yogurt

53 Favorite Foreign Food- sushi

54 Am I a Clean or Messy Person- tbh it fluctuates but mostly clean. Like I myself am clean but my room is a wreck yknow

55 Most Used Phrase- “oh shit”

56 Most Used Word- oof

57 How Long do I Take to Get Ready- ten minutes, fifteen tops and five minimum

58 Do I Have an Ego- I don’t think so?

59 Do I Suck or Bite Lolipops- bite

60 Do I Talk to Myself- sometimes, it’s usually just strings of curse words

61 Do I Sing to Myself- yeah on occasion

62 Am I a Good Singer- no but my friends seem to think so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

63 Biggest Fear- losing everyone I care about/everyone I care about hating me

64 Am I a Gossip?- only if it’s not something serious and only to my closest friend

65 Best Dramatic Movie I’ve Seen- schindlers list, haven’t seen the whole thing (I’m kinda scared to) but it looks incredible even though it’s so horrific

66 Do I Like Long or Short Hair- I don’t really care, but I do kind of like longer hair on other people (i.e I like girls) (yes girls with short hair are awesome too but long/medium length hair is just.. yeah.)

67 Can I Name all 50 Stares of America- I could when I was 8 but now I can only list like 10

68 Favorite School Subject- English

69 (haha) Extrovert or Introvert- introvert

70 Have I Ever Been Scuba Diving- no and I don’t think I’d want to

71 What Makes Me Nervous- talking to people I don’t know

72 Am I Scared Of The Dark- not really. unless I like hear a noise and start imagining all the possible causes of the noise and freak myself out

73 Do I Correct People When They Make Mistakes- yeah sometimes, but I try to do it as nicely as I can (unless I don’t like the person *cough* my brother *cough*)

74 Am I Ticklish- yes. very.

75 Have I Ever Started a Rumor- no, but people thought I did and that was a whole mess

76 Have I Ever Been in a Position of Authority- I mean I was a captain when we played kickball in gym (does that count)

77 Have I Ever Drank Underage- nope, and I don’t intent to

78 Have I Ever Done Drugs- nope, and I don’t intend to

79 Who Was My First Real Crush- olivia, fifth grade. I pretended I had a crush on the guy next to her so I could stare at her and pretend I was looking at him

80 How Many Piercings Do I Have- none

81 Can I Roll My Rs- no matter how hard I try I can never seem to get the hang of it. and I’ve tried, believe me, I sound like an idiot every time but I still try

82 How Fast Can I Type- 135 wpm

83 How Fast Can I Run- Moderately fast, but not for very long

84 What Color is My Hair- dirty blonde

85 What Color Are My Eyes- they switch between gray, green, and blue, but they’re mostly a combination of all three with green being the most noticeable (I ask people this question a lot and they usually say blue or green)

86 What am I Allergic to- nothing I’m invincible.

87 Do I Keep a Journal- yup, eight years and counting. fun fact my first entry ever was a full two and a half pages about dolphin facts, complete with a picture

88 What do My Parents do- my moms a vet, idk what my dad does (it’s something with pharmaceuticals I think)

89 Do I Like My Age- eh on the one hand I can say I’m a teen but on the other people are like “omg!!! babey???? ur a babey omfg..”

90 What Makes Me Angry- when people are condescending or hypocritical

91 Do I Like My Name- I hate my first name (irl it’s not alex but I’ll probably end up changing it) and I hate my last name (long story) but I kinda like my middle name cuz it reminds me of Six

92 Have I Thought if Baby Names, if so What Are They- idk I’d probably name them after my friends (i.e hailey, lander, flan, drew, finn, that’s about it)

93 Do I Want a Boy or Girl For a Child- first of all when did I say I wanted a child and second of all I don’t care

94 What Are My Strengths- shitposts

95 What Are My Weaknesses- dealing with emotions, controlling anger, handling criticism, there are definitely others but I’m tired okay

96 How Did I Get My Name- first name: bible, middle name: my great grandmother, last name: my dad

97 Were My Ancestors Royalty- not that I know of

98 Do I Have Any Scars- see #39

99 What Color is My Bedspread- I don’t have one but my sheet is dark blue

100 What Color is My Room- a light blue teal-ish color

[caronte-recipe-book-from-web]

Hilly's XL Mini Apple Cider Doughnut-ish Hand Pies

1. Assembly

INGREDIENTS

1 recipe cinnamon-sugar pie crust chilled

1 recipe brown butter apple pie filling (at room temp or chilled)

1 recipe cinnamon sugar

1 egg (for egg wash)

1 recipe sour whipped cream (made just before serving)

YIELDS: This recipe should yield 6 - 8 hand pies (each about 4”-5” in diameter), or 1 double crust pie (in a 10” wide and 2” deep pie tin)

METHOD

-Preheat your oven to 375 f. -Sprinkle surface and rolling pin lightly with flour before rolling out your pie dough, then, roll your dough.

If making hand pies

-The method below is for the simplest option of how to assemble your hand pies. But if you want to do a lattice top, follow instructions below up until folding step, then, instead of folding, cut strips from your remaining dough, and lay lattice pattern on top of filling, then, fold your bottom dough over ¼’ of your lattice, and crimp with fork, proceed as normal from there.

-Roll out doughs one at a time, leaving the other half in the fridge until ready to use.

-Dust dough liberally with flour on all sides. Roll out dough into a rectangle roughly 12” x 20”, and ¼” thick.

-Using a 1 cup measure to portion, place 3 portions of filling along the long edge of your rectangle, evenly spaced, ensuring there is at least 1/2 “ space between the filling and the edge of the dough.

-Make sure to brush any excess flour away from the edge of your filling, and dab a little water on the dough around your filling (so your top crust sticks!).

-Next, fold the filing-less half of your dough over your portioned filling.

-Press the top dough flush around your filling.

-Crimp the border of each filling pocket with a fork to adhere, then trim excess dough using a pizza cutter, knife, or scissors.

-Immediately, and with utmost care, place your assembled hand pies onto small tray or plate, and place in freezer until baking. A wide spatula will help make this an easy task.

-Gather your scraps and place in fridge for at least 20 minutes, then, you can re-roll and make a few more hand pies with them.

-Repeat the steps above with your second half of dough. Re-roll your scraps until all filling is used.

-Whisk together egg and 1 Tbsp of water, set aside for egg wash.

-Remove hand pies from freezer after about 15 minutes (hand pies should feel firm to the touch, and easy to handle).

-Place pies on half sheet tray lined with parchment paper, 3 per tray, work in batches if necessary.

-Cut a small hole, or several slits in the top of your hand pies for ventilation, then brush with egg wash. Top with a hefty amount of cinnamon sugar to cover surface of dough entirely.

-Bake at 375 for 30 - 40 minutes, pies should have puffed and flaked, should be well browned, and crust should feel crisp to the touch. Top with more cinnamon sugar as they come out of the oven.

-Allow to cool for 30 minutes to an hour on wire rack. These are best served slightly warm to the touch!

-Top with sour whipped cream to serve.

If making a classic double crust pie

-Preheat your oven to 375 f.

-Roll out ½ of your pre-divided dough into a circle roughly 2” wider than your pie tin, leaving the other half in the fridge until ready to use.

-Drape your pie dough into your pie tin, ensuring it is fully lining the tin all the way to the bottom.

-Fold excess dough around edge of tin underneath itself, to create a lip -- then crimp as desired.

-Place in fridge or freezer for at least 15 minutes.

-Blind bake your crust: Line inside of pie with two pieces of foil, leaving some excess overhang around the edges to fold over your crimped crust (to prevent over browning.) Fill lined pie shell with pie weights, beans, or sugar, something to weigh it down.

-Place lined and weighted pie onto sheet pan, and place in oven. Bake for 30 - 40 minutes until crust has started to lightly brown.

-Remove pie crust from oven and carefully remove foil and weights, set these aside to cool. Prick the base of your pie crust with fork to prevent ballooning in the oven and return your pie crust to oven for an additional 15 minutes.

-You’re looking for the entire crust to turn a light golden brown and for no spots to look “wet.” If the crimped edges begin to brown faster than the rest of the crust, tent with foil.

-Remove crust from oven and allow to come to room temperature until filling, about 20 minutes.

-Whisk together egg and 1 Tbsp of water, set aside for egg wash.

-Roll out the second half of your dough. The top crust design is up to you, but I like a classic lattice top.

-Pour room temperature or chilled apple filling into bottom crust into even layer, then top with your top crust in desired design.

-Brush top crust with egg wash, then sprinkle liberally with cinnamon sugar to even coat.

-Place pie on sheet tray, place in oven at 375.

-Bake for 45 minutes - an hour. You are looking for your top crust to deeply brown and become flakey, and for the bottom crust to do the same. Your filling should be bubbling.

-If at any point the edges of your crust start to become too dark, remove pie from oven and tent with foil to prevent further browning before placing back in oven.

-Remove from oven and cool on wire rack for 1 - 2 hours, until totally room temp and filling has set.

-Slice and serve with sour whipped cream.

2. Flakey Cinnamon-Sugar Pie Crust 

INGREDIENTS

1 recipe Cinnamon-Sugar Compound Butter chilled (below)

4 cups All Purpose flour (plus more for dusting)

2 tsp kosher salt

2 Tbsp granulated sugar

½  -⅔ cup ice water

2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar

* If forgoing the cinnamon-sugar compound butter, simply replace with 3 sticks regular unsalted butter, chilled.

Cinnamon-Sugar Compound Butter Ingredients

3 sticks (24 Tbsps) unsalted butter, well softened

1 Tbsp cinnamon

1 Tbsp granulated sugar  

Method, compound butter

-Mix butter with sugar and cinnamon until fully combined and no streaks of cinnamon remain.

-Flatten butter onto parchment paper or plastic wrap lined tray or plate (anything that can fit into your freezer), wrap well and place in freezer until ready to use, butter should chill until completely firm to the touch before use, approximately 15 - 20 minutes in the freezer.

-Compound butter can be made up to one week in advance, stored in freezer.

_________________

Method, pie crust

-Mix together AP flour, salt, and sugar in large bowl until combined.

-Cut cold compound butter into vague tablespoons and add to your bowl. Toss with hands until butter is coated in flour mixture.

-Smash, squeeze, and break cold butter chunks with your fingers until a lot of the mixture resembles a coarse meal but there are still plenty of pieces of butter about the size of blueberries in the mix. Flatten some of these blueberry sized butter chunks by smearing between your palms (this will help ensure a flakey crust).

-If the butter has gone soft at any point and has begun to stick to your hands, place entire bowl into fridge for freezer for 15 minutes to firm up. Otherwise, proceed.

-Mix vinegar and ice water together, then add to flour mixture one tablespoon at a time, tossing with hands in between additions.

-The amount of water you will need varies — so add water until mixture holds together when pressed into a ball, but is still a little crumbly, and isn’t sticky to the touch.

-Once ideal texture is reached, pour your shaggy mixture onto a lightly floured surface

-Fold your dough: Roll out dough into a long rectangle-ish shape — short side facing you. The sides of your dough may have cracked a little, that is totally fine at this step.

-Fold the dough like a letter: fold the far side down towards you, then the side closest to you on top of that.  

-Press it all back together, rotate the dough 90 degrees, Then repeat the roll and fold. Sprinkling with flour as needed to prevent sticking. These folds are similar to what you would to to make a croissant -- this is what is going to create all your flakey layers!

-Once you have competed your folds, divide your two in two (just eyeball it!)

-If making a full double crust pie, form each piece into a rough disc, if making hand pies, form into rough rectangles.

-Wrap tightly in plastic wrap and place in fridge to chill. Chill for at least an hour before use.

-Pie dough can be made up to a month in advance, stored well wrapped in the freezer. Upon use, defrost in fridge for 24 hours before rolling out..

3. Brown Butter Apple Pie Filling

INGREDIENTS

5- 6 apples unpeeled cored and cubed (about 6 cups cubed or 1lb)

8 tbsp unsalted butter

½ cup light brown sugar

¼ cup apple cider vinegar

¼ cup cornstarch

¼ cup granulated sugar

2 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp cardamom

½ tsp allspice

½ tsp ginger (or replace all spices above with 3 tsp apple pie spice)

½ tsp kosher salt

2 tsp vanilla extract

* For apples I recommend Honeycrisp with a few granny smiths thrown in for tartness. If you can’t find Honeycrisp, Pink Lady are a great substitute.

METHOD -In a large bowl, add ¼ cup apple cider vinegar (as you cut your apples, add them to this bowl and toss in vinegar to prevent browning). -Core your apple with an apple corer or by slicing around the core. -Cut your apples into 1” x 1” cubes and add to your vinegar bowl. -Toss apples to coat in vinegar and set aside. -In a large heavy bottomed pot or dutch oven, add 8 Tbsp butter and set over medium low heat. -Allow butter to melt fully, stirring occasionally with heat-proof spatula. -Soon, the butter will begin to bubble and pop loudly and the white milk solids will rise to the top. Continue to stir regularly. -After a few minutes the butter will begin to quiet down and bubble and pop less -- at this point you will need to watch your butter very closely to ensure it does not burn. -Once you see the first few brown flecks appear, stir your butter constantly until the brown flecks reach a rich golden brown and butter smells toasted and nutty. -Quickly add your spices, salt, vanilla, and granulated sugar to the butter. -The mixture will foam a bit, then settle down. Cook your sugar/butter/spice mixture for 2 minutes, until bubbling. -Add all of your apples along with any vinegar left at the bottom of your bowl to your pot. -Add your light brown sugar and stir mixture well to ensure light brown sugar is dissolved, and apples are covered in your butter/spice mixture. -Continue cooking over medium heat until apples release some of their juices, and the sugar mixture reaches a low simmer -- about 3 - 4 minutes. Make sure to stir your mixture regularly. -Once at a light simmer, add your cornstarch and mix well to dissolve into sugar mixture. -Cook for an additional 1 - 2 minutes, stirring regularly, until cornstarch is fully activated and sugar syrup has begun to thicken. -Remove from heat and return to your large bowl or other vessel. -Allow mixture to cool to room temperature before using, or even better, allow to chill in fridge for up to 24 hours before use. *Note: if making this filling in advance and chilling in the fridge, some butter separation is normal, stir to re-incorporate.

4. Cinnamon Sugar

INGREDIENTS

½ cup granulated sugar

1 Tbsp cinnamon

1 tsp kosher salt

METHOD

-Mix all together until fully combined.

5. Sour Whipped Cream

INGREDIENTS

2 cups (or 1 pint) cold heavy cream

½ cup sour cream

¼ cup confectioners sugar

Pinch kosher salt

METHOD

-Add your heavy cream to a large bowl, along with confectioners sugar and salt -- whisk to combine.

-Whip your cream: vigorously whisk air into your cream, if doing this by hand, prepare for an arm workout. This will require about 3-4 minutes of concentrated whipping -- which doesn’t seem like a lot but it definitely feels like a lot. If whisking using whisk attachment on stand mixer, whip on high for 2 - 3 minutes, sit back and relax.

-When cream becomes barely stiff, is fluffy, and holds its shape-- gently fold in your sour cream.

-Use immediately.

Source: https://milkbarstore.com/blogs/recipes/apple-cider-donut-ish-xl-hand-pies#!

[claritinpopsicle]

January 3rd, 2021

Sunday // 8:42 p.m

I woke up at 12:40 ish today which is honestly horrible since i sleep sometimes in the morning between 7:20 a.m and 7:50 a.m. I am going to sleep earlier today since I have to wake up at 8:30 for online school. The idea of going backl to school exhausts me, especially since the next two weeks should be jammed packed leading to the end of my 2nd marking period. I am going to do my self-test in 10 minutes before I eat dinner and finish it up afterwards. It’s only 10 questions anyway and they should be directly from my chemistry textbook. That is due tomorrow at midnight but I should just finish it today anyways. Then tomorrow I will start my stoichiometry lab report. Something I’ve realized is that my teacher just cares about page count and lots of details/explanations of concepts. Like, it’s difficult to get 100s on her lab reports but I have gotten one and mostly higher 90s just by excessively elaborating on concepts. They’re easy anyway and if I get the purpose, procedure, data sheet, and conclusion done tomorrow (those take like 2 hours max, in total), I can do my concept elaboration throughout the week. The report is due on Friday. Other than that, I have to do a summary of a video and article (also for chemistry) which is due on Friday and I can finish if I can give myself 3-4 hours for it this week. I am also going to review the current chapter we are on in my Dynamics of Health Care in Society class because I have it tomorrow and the only way to raise my grade in the class is if I can do well on a quiz. I am praying that she’ll give at least 2 quizzes before the marking period ends so I can raise the grade to a B (I failed a quiz because the rules were only lower case which ruined my grade). Other than that, I am sad that I wasn’t more productive with my break. I expected to begiun studying for my HOSA event since it is at the end of January for me but I’ll be starting today + tomorrow. 

I spent today mostly in my room, on my phone, doing my nails, and just not doing much at all. I have been awake for 8 hours but I’ll probably sleep in 3 or 4. I just did my nails but they look pretty ugly, I like how I usually do them but tried some black french? tips... they suck. Me and my friend are going to get acrylics next weekend anyway so it should be okay anyways. I have also been thinking of shifting again, I’ve been on a break for 4-5 days now and I have been too focused on my dr. I’ll probably get back into affirming and chilling out. Also, I really need to take a bath soon because I got these lavender epsom slats from my friend as part of my late Christmas present. She also got me this engraved ring that says “you’re my person” on this chain and it honestly does not look cheesy so I love it. I’ve been chilling though. I have been trying to figure out if I going to write a wattpad though; I have been having maladaptive daydreams since I was a child and I was thinking of turning one into a wattpad book (royalty, light house and dark house, powers, the king and queen have wings, enemies because i don’t think you take your power seriously and i think you take this too seriously to tolerant friends for the better of the people to lovers type dynamic, family betrayal, and a lot of other stuff but i’m seriously considering it). The problem is I have never tried to write one of my universes down so I don’t understand how I would even start and like idk. I have been trying to find some cool wattpad original stories today though; I haven’t really been on wattpad for a few months since I have basically switched to archive of our own, livejournal, and fanfiction.net for most of my fic reading. However, I remembered I had a lot of original stories that have been on my TBR for a very long time so I am planning on making a dent in that. I started reading Forever August which has been beautiful and cheesy (I’m only a few chapters in but I love that the MFC is Indian since I’m Indian and we get like 0 rep) but it also reminded me why I got bored of wattpad stories so easily. idk. I really want to read some dark academia/royalty/spy/government-involved/academy type (not all thats just a jist) original stories which actual good characters... I might just try to find a marauders era fic that fits that (I read kitchens by lumosinlove and some other royalty au marauders stuff recently and they were so good) tbh. That reminds me that I have been meaning to make a fic recs list for harry potter and some other fandoms... that would be long but so worth it honestly. Okay, I’m gonna start my work, eat dinner while watching Bridgerton (I’m on episode 5 or 6 and it’s amazing like I am in love with the diversity and plot lines) and the finish the work, do some review, wind down and sleep. 

- V

[fuckyeahjamieandclaire]

This week’s episode of Outlander — centered around the long-anticipated reunion of Jamie (Sam Heughan) and Claire (Caitriona Balfe), who travels across the space-time continuum to once again be with the man she loves — was everything fans of the series could have wanted. It was steamy and romantic and moving and sexy. And I’m just talking about the first few minutes, when Jamie has to take off his trousers after he accidentally spills something on them at the first sight of Claire. For real: If Elaine Benes on Seinfeld had watched this episode, she would have been out of the contest on day one.

In all seriousness, “A. Malcolm” is a standout episode of television, not only because it finally brings the separated protagonists back together, but because it handles its love scenes with such prolonged, detail-oriented, erotic care. Actually, it feels wrong to refer to them as scenes since practically the entire episode is a love scene. Not counting the closing credits, the runtime of “A. Malcolm” is an hour and 13 minutes. About 25 of those minutes are spent on Claire and Jamie preparing for coitus, or engaging in coitus, or having postcoital conversation that leads to more coitus. That’s about a third of the episode and doesn’t even take into account the love-scene-ish encounter between the two early on, in the print shop.

In the hands of writer Matthew B. Roberts and director Norma Bailey — and I have to think the fact that she’s a woman has something to do with this — Outlander takes its sweet, sweet time with its depiction of sex. TV shows and films rarely linger on the lead-up to the intertwining of two bodies to the extent that this episode of Outlander does, in part because romantic relationships often function as side plots to whatever is considered the main story line. On Outlander, the love story between Claire and Jamie is the reason for everything that happens. Watching the two of them get back together and then staying in that moment for a while makes sense; to do anything else would feel like a betrayal of the show’s core values.

Even so, there’s something winkingly sensuous in the way the episode delays the big moment between Claire and Jamie. Outlander knows they want it, and knows we want it, and teases us for a good 40 minutes before it finally allows its hero and heroine to succumb to their desires and, in the process, fulfill ours. In this season more than any other, Outlander is really reveling in the art of slow seduction.

The show also understands that the emotional explosion that happens when these two reconnect is just as important as any orgasms they might have later. That’s why the loveliest moment in the whole episode happens when the two first embrace in that print shop and weep with joy and relief after years of believing they would never see each other again. As viewers, we immediately feel the jolt of everything we’ve been missing, too. Outlander is always, always better when Balfe and Heughan are in it together, their faces side-by-side in the same frame. When they, and we, get that back, it’s magical.

That being said, we still want to see them hit the sheets. After becoming a bit more comfortable in each other’s orbit, and having a couple of almost-heated kisses interrupted, Jamie and Claire finally get down to business in the room in the brothel where Jamie is staying. (Because Jamie is basically perfect, he has apparently not been sampling what the brothel has to offer, apart from its food and lodging.)“

Will you come to bed with me, then?” Jamie finally asks, at which point every hetero woman and gay man watching at home screamed “YES!” at their televisions. But they don’t just slam into each other and start ravaging each other’s bodies, as so often happens in “hot” Hollywood love scenes that inevitably involve some type of furniture getting trashed. They very, very slowly start taking off each other’s clothes. They are tentative, and openly nervous, but simultaneously hungry for and respectful of each other in a way that can only be described as romantic. This goes on for a full five minutes, partly because they have a lot of garments to take off — seriously, strip-poker games must have lasted for weeks in the 1700s — but also because Outlander lets this all unfold in real time, with only a few edits that speed up the process.

Once they finally do get their clothes off, they make love in a way that is alternately silly and exhilarating; at one point, Jamie’s forehead clocks Claire in the nose, leading her to think she may have broken it. But there’s also plenty of moaning and grinding as well, all of which is depicted via occasional wide shots that could be described as somewhat graphic — we definitely see bare breasts and butts and the hints of male parts entering female parts — but never feel, for a second, gratuitous. It is difficult to imagine a show like, say, Game of Thrones, which has started to show more tenderness than it used to in its sex scenes, ever handling the act with this much care and patience.

Visually, what dominates far more than Claire’s or Jamie’s bodies are the expressions on their faces. Bailey achieves a sense of intimacy not by sticking her camera near a tongue or a torso, but by capturing the sparks in the actors’ eyes or the corners of their mouths turning up as they smile at one another in bliss.

The only thing that drains some of the exquisiteness out of the episode is its conclusion, when Claire is confronted by a stranger who breaks into her and Jamie’s room in search of her husband’s ledgers. After Claire says she doesn’t know where they are, the man threatens to rape her. It’s a reminder that Claire and Jamie can’t stay cocooned in their brothel love suite forever. Jamie is evidently involved in some shady business, and that’s going to affect Claire if she plans to stick around and stay married to him.

It’s just a bit of a shame to end on that note after an episode that goes to such admirable efforts to show sex in a dreamy but nevertheless realistic light, unfettered by the male gaze. I suppose in the 1700s — and for that matter, now — Outlander is telling us that this is what comes with the territory when you’re a woman. Even when you find a man who truly honors you and your body, there are always more out there with absolutely no qualms about threatening both.

[cookingkcals]

Thanksgiving Stuffing

General consensus was that it would’ve been better with sausage, and that there was perhaps too much rosemary. Although the rosemary thing was probably my fault since the recipe calls for fresh and I was using dried.

Ingredients: - 1/2 c (1 stick) unsalted butter - 8 oz (~1/2 loaf) day-old white bread, diced into 1/2″ cubes - 1/2 extra large yellow onion (~1 c), diced small - 3/4 cup (~3-4 stalks) diced celery - 2 Tbs dried parsley - 1 Tbs dried sage - 1/2 Tbs dried rosemary - 1 tsp dried thyme - 1/2 tsp salt - 1/2 tsp pepper - 1 cup chicken broth - 1 egg

The day before, cut the bread into 1/2″ cubes and lay out on a baking sheet to dry for about 24 hours.

Day of, spray 8x8 pan with cooking spray. (This actually made a thin-ish layer, so a smaller pan would probably work just as well if not better.)

Pour the dried bread into a large bowl.

In a skillet, melt 1/2 stick butter, and cook the diced onion and celery on medium/medium-high heat until softened (~10-15 min). Add to bowl of bread and mix.

Add 2 Tbs parsley, 1 Tbs sage, 1/2 Tbs rosemary, 1 tsp thyme, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp pepper, and 1/2 c chicken broth. Toss to coat.

Whisk 1 egg into the other 1/2 c chicken broth. Pour over everything and toss well.

Turn mixture into a baking dish. Dice the other 1/2 stick of butter and dot over the top. Cover with foil and bake at 350F for 40 minutes.

[accidentally-ana]

feb 19 and 20

so i’ve been liquid fasting for the last 36 hours and it’s going great. i had a big temptation at work today of free, handmade donuts but i didn’t have any! today i’ve had 2x 20oz cold brew w like 2 tbsp skim milk each (idk like 40?), 1 soy latte (90) and like 1/4c orange juice squeezed from an orange in front of me (like 50 idk???) so we’re doing well.

i plan on going until i can’t anymore, and i have carrots in my down fridge waiting for me to eat it i need to!!

i kinda want to break my fasting record though. when i was in high school i went 104 hours or something? idk it was a little over 4 days! so if i could go till noon friday it would be a 120hr or a 5 day fast. is this excessive? yes. but it’s who i am.

additionally, i am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning! i juuust started my period but i weighed myself a few min ago (its nighttime) and i was like only 1 lb higher than my last weigh in and i just drank a bunch of water so bloating either isn’t too bad or it is normal and i’m just losing a ton :)

here’s some latte art i did a few days ago. i’m competing in a competition i. thursday at some coffee roaster in indianapolis!!

i have therapy tomorrow morning instead of thursday morning and i’m a lil nervous because she said first thing we’re talking about is food stuff and i am just a little embarrassed because i’m visibly not thin... like it’s just embarrassing to have an eating disorder when being fat literally.

my plan for tomorrow:

6:30am wakeup, shower, get ready

8am-9am therapy

9:30am-1:20am study in the library! my 10:30-11:45 class i am not going to because i don’t want to and my 12-1:15 is canceled! def going to bring coffee or a vitamin water or diet coke or something!

1:30-2:30 logic exam

2:30-9pm i have no plans. perhaps i’ll take a nap and/or do some bible journaling. i need to study for my abstract algebra quiz tomorrow and make a review sheet for my statistical theory class on wednesday!

9pm ish SLEEP