#thay doesnt matter tho i would MAKE room for it

[saturnniidae]

The money I would pay for this.

[thoughtfulbreadd]

You know, my mental health has always been a struggle to keep somewhat stable. It's ok really, I've dealt with it the best I've been able to do so for so long. A few weeks ago I was so scared bout what was gonna happen next to me, all I ever wanted in just a day crashed and collapsed in front of me all in a matter of a few hours. All the pain I endured, the pain that consumed me from the inside, and occasionally physically, I thought it was all worth it for a while. I was living the dream haha.

The thing is as of lately since that day, I've noticed that somethin in me has broke. I told one of my friends something that I felt, it all came crashing down and usually when it's too much I just go to aleep to cope with it and not hurt myself. But that night I had a dream, it felt just like being awake days prior, I was happy and things were great. But when I woke up I was alone and scared in the corner of a room, freezing and that's when it happened.

I started crying my ass off cause I felt all was gone in just like that, and in my head something broke, since that day I havent cried. I havent felt pain, I havent felt anything really, the thoughts I've had in the back of my mind are now the majority of my thoughts, but unlike before that I was scared and cried cause I didnt wanna feel that way, now I just don't feel anything really. I've been trying to do all I can because I think I wanna see what happens next. But as of a while now, I am not sure if that's what I want.

I have always felt the need to make others happy you know, family, friends, strangers, crushes, etc. But since I moved I noticed no one really requires me in any way. I have had the question in the back of my mind whether my existence is important to anyone or not, but from what I've seen, it really isn't.

Family doesnt interact with me, and even when I'm physically present it's like I'm a ghost, no one sees me nor hears me, but at the end it's always been that way, but I've confirmed that none of them really care bout what I do.

Friends, those whom I've told my struggles have walked away when I needed help. I helped with some of their pain when they had issues with their family, school or their love life, but once it came to me, none helped me... but it's ok, I got myself through painful situations, sexual harassment from professors and students; being outed at school and not long later at home where I didnt feel safe to do so. I thought "I'll just get through this and when I graduate I'll be able to make my own decisions and move elsewhere to not deal with this anymore". But moving didnt help. Not only did I struggle meeting people, some I did just wanted to fuck, some just wanted to get drunk or get high, and others I tried to bond with didn't seem to care.

Being gay has always been a major issue with my mental health. Ever since I was a kid I was scared bout being gay thanks to some words from family, from kids on school, from media mocking being femenine in any sort of way. I know a lot of people have dealt with this, and it fucking sucks really. Sometimes I still wish I was just straight cause then I'd not have dealt with things I've dealt with.

I've always hated people, but I gave some a shot. Some guys whom I've had the pleasure to talk with have liked me, and I did too in a way. I got excited, but then some I realized didn't really give a fuck when I talked to them, they just wanted to see me jerk off on camera for their entertainment, which is ok really, I thought I was happy to do that for them cause least I felt someone noticed or needed me in a way. But once I started dating people it sucked.

I have always known I'm bipolar, so I know I'm not necesarily easy to talk to. My mood changes too much at times even when I try to act like I'm cool and weird. I mean also depression and anxiety don't help much, cause when I've done things that I love to do, I would feel so disconnected and out of it cause I was pretending because at the moment I was pissed or sad or scared, even tho i was excited and happy moments ago.

I became a whore for a bit after moving out, every other night I hooked up with a different guy, occasionally more than one the same night because I didn't want to be alone in my apartment in the new city. Slowly I started feeling that well hooking up wasnt the best, so I started dating, and I got so excited about it thinkin I could meet someone who could care about me you know. But I think thay no matter what, there really isn't anyone that cares the way I care for people, that now I just don't care really.

Lately I've felt tired and exhausted, but since I broke down a few weeks ago, I haven't been the same. Part of me is trying to find someway for me to find a way to go back into that dream, another part is looking for a different thing to look forward to, but I'm tired, and I'm not scared anymore. Before I cried because I was scared I was gonna hurt myself or hurt someone else emotionally, but from what I've seen it really doesn't have any effect on anyone either wayz and I know that.

I have had more cuts around my body now than ever before, but the difference now is that before I felt the pin as a stop now, you will be ok, but now it feels like pressure has been released and I feel better after that.

I went to a therapist again, but other than the fake tears they see, I really don't feel much anymore. I don't know what I'm gonna do, I joke around and say "I'm gonna cut an arm off and start a new somewhere else" or "I wanna fall into a coma" but it's not a joke I do feel like that's something I wanna do you know...

I really am not sure where I stand at this moment, part of me wants to finish the semester and try something else, but part of me doesn't and just wants to take a really long nap, or just sleep forever. I know this is bad, but the fact that it feels like a viable option and I'm not scared of it as I used to be now feels weird. It just feels like I would feel the same way as I feel now that I don't feel anything...

Idk what's gonna happen, but I'll just put this here, if someone reads it, it's ok, if they don't it's ok. I'm aware it will just not matter either way, so no point in worrying bout it.

[ast-heljar]

Personal Astral Spaces

Personal Astral places that I dont have a problem sharing because I dont get the metaphors or significance of them.

The church and the Tower.

About 50% of the time I interact with these places seperately, but theyre actually right next to each other on the same plane. Theyre both sit on top of a high and steep hill. The church is stone and in ruins, parts of which are strewn down about the hill sides. It is always night, there are always clouds and a fullmoon; at least, I assume its full because I can see. There is one massive crumbling wall holding a stained glass window that is primarily red and blue. A bright bleak light with no source shines thru the window with dramatic purpose and illuminates the area. There may be figures on it, but I never recall them. There are smaller partial walls standing taller than I and I can just barely make out different rooms.

The Tower may have been a part of the church. I get a sense of it while standing in the church without actually seeing it. It is very tall. There may or may not have a door. I may or may not have been inside once. it was a very long time ago.

The blocks

Surounding the hill of the Church and the Tower are the blocks. They are very eerie, a liminal space that feels incomplete like an area that just wasnt developed. if I stand on top of them there is light, but between them it is dark. You can get lost in that darkness. the blocks are if varying sizes, some are stacked, between them is like a maze. they make me uncomfortable.

The Empy City

After crossing the blocks I enter the Empy City. I am usually there at night, at which point it is very eerie because its... empty. it doesnt feel dangerous just... empty. There are things there, altho Ive never seen them. There are people too. Once I met a man just as I felt... something. He led us to a hotel room and instructed us to stay there because it was too dangerous to leave just then. When I woke I considered that the something might have been him, but they felt like two seperate things... Ive not seen him again so I suppose it doesnt matter.

Ive been in the city during the day and it is not creepy at all then. There are no strange feelings and thats the best time for exploring. Ive meet a number of other explorers, tho we all mind our own business, so I wouldnt sat its an uncommon activity at all. The whole city is sort of brown and industrial and all the buildings are very very tall. The insides of the rooms are clean, but theres lots if stuff in them. Theres even food and drinks.

The City

The reason there is stuff in the empty city, including food and drink thay hasnt decayed is because it is probably the hollow version of The City-- the full one, I mean, which occupies the same space on a different level or plane. Its... well its a city. Its bustling, its got construction, its got traffic and people...

Other Places

Those are the most interesting places. Other places are consistent from dream to dream and... I am very familiar with them, but theyre harder to explain?

There is a sort of astral version of my home town, the city I half grew up in. Its much much less crowded, for one, perhaps partially because its part of or based on a town that actually exists? The City over laps on a different plane with parts of this one. They seem? several planes seperated tho, unlike the City and the Empty City which feel like theyre only seperated by one in most places.

One thing thats significant is that there are no interstates and there may be local high ways, but theyre mostly that; local. Most long distance travel is done by train, and I personal just sit ontop of non-passanger trains.

This place is soo big tho? Ive seen the world map of this plane and it is ??? bizzaar. it looks nothing like our planet, but its got all the places? and then some. Part of it is that the oceans are different. Africa has so many more countries.. Its also possible to travel all the way around by car, except that youd have to travel thru the arctic and while there are roads? theyre not interstates or even really highways and there are long long stretches for which youd have to carry your own gas.

Being that the.oceans are different the location of all the waste is different too, and in the americas its located in an area south of mexico but also not in a place that actually exists? its pretty awful. There are lots of fires there.

There is also the Under City, which is... somewhere and also hard to explain. There are people down there. they have places they live. Ive never really been there, just... on my way? Couldnt tell you much, except that "underground" in these places isnt actually underground like in a cave. these are hallways and such.

oh theres so much going on, its super interesting. However, i still feel reasonably comfortable sharing it. While things come and go because it seems semi-permeable due to some of existing beyond me... ?? Im also reasonably sure most of it is mine and it would take a lot to invade it. Im pretty aggressive about keeping things out and avoiding the dangerous things that I dont quite have the skill to banish (and may never have, some of those fuckers are scary...) I dont have a lot of fine control over lucid dreaming but Im hell bent on keeping myself safe...