#thats why i havent drawn much recently. every time i go to draw i start thinking about

[mayonaisalspray]

hooughhh yep feeling really good about the future right now

[cosmosrival]

Rico besides Kama what do you think about the other indian servants?????

AHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS GOING TO GET SOOOO LONG!!!! i have a different view of the indo fam as a whole. i call them the indo fam but i mean the found family trope!!!! theyre like a group of college students sharing a dorm if that makes sense, since their servant selves are obviously different from their initial myths/human vessels!!!

OK SO. RECENTLY, i have an oomf that found books about arjuna that summarize his exploits in the mahabharata(I DONT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO READ IT ALL IM SO SORRY) and also talk about him in a more philosphical manner such as his states of mind during each event etc and i’ve been meaning to read said book because im genuinely interested in arjuna now!!! and i’d like to know more about this indo prince because from what i’ve seen, he is portrayed in a rather bad light(?) in FGO which i find extremely !!!!!!!!!!! and incrdibley !!!!!!! strange !!!!!!! the mahabharata’s conflicts can be put in a mostly grey area where there’s no good nor bad, its not black and white. so seeing arjuna get bashed because of the way his conflict with karna was written is... hm. let’s say that im REALLY starting to understand arjuna fans that dislike seeing him get mischaracterized so much. OTHER THAN THAT, his design is adorable, his travel outfit is my favourite because he deserves to relax and have some fun!!! fgo making him a chuuni is cute and his VAs little moans are cute cute cute!!!!!!!!!!! (mash grabs my shoulder and forces me to sit down) i think that arjuna deserves better and im really happy to see him have fun in his travel costume voicelines. i think we should take arjun on a date!!! he’s a great lover, we’d have the best time!! OH ALSO, kama seeing him as the student council president in their interlude makes me SOOOOOOO HAPPY its unreal, i think it fits him very very well, the seitokaichou who was elected because of everyone’s hopes and recommended by teachers because he’s suuuch a good student but because of that, the pressure to be good is constantly towering over his head and everytime he looks out the window he wishes he could ditch class and skip a day just because he felt like going to the arcade and be a bad student.......just this once........i think hes very very cute...... i want him to cook for me. HAVE YO U READ HIS BOND 4 VOICELINE ?mmmmmggg i want him to get embarrassed everytime i praise him for having such a muscular waistline. AUG

ANEWAYS i also have quite the thoughts about karna, his characterization in the game is linked to arjuna’s and thats fine but i think that forgetting how much of a little sassy bastard he can get was a mistake! did you know that in apocrypha’s german dub on netflix, when jeanne calls his name like “You’re Karna, aren’t you ? The son of the Indian Sun God !” HES LIKE “So ?” AND THAT WAS SOOOO BITCHY OF HIM, i think that karna is a good boy in fgo but the fact that he was such a fighty old man in the mahabharata shouldnt be forgotten and is a charm trait. I MEAN ???? HE THREW HANDS WITH AN 18 YEAR OLD(ARJUN) WHILE BEIN LIKE... THIRTY TWO. WHATS WITH THIS ANNOYING OLD MAN !!!!! knowing these little facts about him made me like him so much more actually !! i think karna being so nice is adorable!! but the little bitchy energy u can find in his voicelines is also very charming!! i think karna looking at me emotionless as i ask him to lend me his notes for the nth time that week and then saying “...Mn.” when i thank him is cute!!! his voiceline towards things he dislikes is interesting to me. karna seeming aloof and mean bc he doesnt know how to communicate but is actually nice underneath...... hey... thats a little delinquentcore........ i wouldnt say yankii but hes like... hes like... u know hes the handsome quiet one of the group of yankiis... u know the one...? hey where are you going

ganesha is also a character im deeply interested in but i havent played CCC so i dont know that many details about jinako herself !! my brain goes HMMMMMM it seems lord ganesha is trans in fgo ! (since kama used to be a male god originally as well!!) ganesha uses all pronouns!!! and ganesha is also special to me because they share similar traits with kama when it comes to their characterization AND mischaracterizations. ganesha isnt JUST jinako. theres a part of a god in the servant mix!!! and jinako HERSELF is actually a pretty sad character imo. the whole otaku/neet thing is obviously a facade and her true wish being that she wants to redo her whole life is also proof of how much she hates what shes become, yet at the same time, she doesnt know what else she could do. but anyways, i prefer looking at servants from a lore POV so i think that ganesha should still be considered a god and be adressed as such!! i like seeing people portray ganesha as jinako but i prefer it when a certain lavish more godly side of them is put forward. a side of jinako that managed to move on a little bit if that makes sense ? that got more serious. and became someone else entierly despite sharing similarities. needless to say their bond with karna makes me happy since he shows them respect as you should towards a god!! its a bit different from their bond in CCC... like they matured somewhat!! anyway ganesha is the one who taught everyone else in the indo fam about video games and technology and i will NEVER shut up.

ashwatthama..... MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM %_’(’ç_”’è_ç(è_’”545656455456545453£¨¨µ¨µMµ¨++°=)=)°+ goodness. jesus christ on earth. my love story with him makes me so embarrassed. when he got revealed i instantly fell in love with him despite knowing JACK SHIT ABOUT HIM but since i was the only one in my friend group who was hardcore into fgo at the time, i kept my love for him to myself and just... (looks away)(i drop my wallet full of picturses of him) quietly adored his everything in silence. WELL, ree having an intense crush on yankii type characters isnt new, its been my favourite trope for ages (gyarus go in hand with them!!) and im still very attached to it so thats what made me love him in the first place!!!! BUT THEN. I GOT INTO HIS MAHABHARATAN LORE. And OHHHHHHHHH BABY.......... (im twirling my hair) so theres this 7ft tall war criminal..........<3<33<3(mash leans in and informs me that the convention of geneva didnt exist at the time) SO THERES THIS 7 FTTALL IMMORTALMAN.......<233 gOD he makes me absolutely CRAZY9909840385%£%%£%%µ%µ%µ the love i have for this character is immense and whenever im sad i remember that pako exists and has a tablet and can draw and i suddenly feel so much better. ok im gonna stop horny posting a little bit. but hes my wife. AND WHAT I LOVE ABOUT HIS PORTRAYAL IN FGO IS THAT, they actually made him a good boy despite his initial roughness and misdeeds ???!!! HELLO?? ashwatthama wishing for a redemption ark is my favourite thing and his righteousness that was born because of his regrets is a very interesting drivepoint to me !!! hes a gorgeous character and im buying a ticket plane as we speak right now so i can go find him in northern india. i’ll find him. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME !!!!!GET OFF ME !!!

miss lakshimi makes me very sad! because every female servant in the indo fam is an already known face. (... would sita count.) and lakshi being a jeanneface is a waste. well, she’s still very pretty and her lore is also quite interesting!! i havent looked into it fully yet but i think she should be kissed on the mouth. her bad luck makes me slip on a banana peel whenevr i get close to her to kiss her and i hit my head on the pavement and pass away- 

parvati is on a tough spot for me atm. i genuinely love thinking of her as the way the indian goddess herself is portrayed because thats where the fun lies for me in her character. especially when shes involved with other indian servants, thats a given!! i would like to see parvati grow, suffer and heal. because branding her as an “all-knowing mom” is easy, but every single parent makes mistakes if you follow that logic. also, since shes the sakura servant “thats closest to her initial personality”, she’s got some of the most Repulsive fans ive Ever witnessed in fandom spaces and lets say that im trying to work my way out of this hellhole and find things to like about parvati without the fandom’s influence. needless to say, im going to keep looking into her mythos and her lore by myself at my own pace and keep doing my own thing in my little corner. 

rama shouldve been a jock. THE RAMAYANA IS OLDER THAN THE MAHABHARATA, WHY IS.....Hrm well him being summoned as his baby version gives me hope for a future rama alt perhaps??? but i think that he shouldve been a total jock and he shouldve been huge with a huge red lion-like mane for his hair and a teethy grin and big biceps and intense love for his wife. SPEAKING OF SITA, her charm point is her purity but i wish.... that their artist still hadnt drawn them like That, im not a fan of lily servants and i think purity = being young is a bit of an annoying excuse!!! rama and sita looking similar is because of their shared history which is fine but... rolls my eyes............. rama shouldve been 6ft tall and sita shouldve been a milf to match...... anyways i doubt ravana would be added as a servant but i’d love to have a ramayana centric event!! where all indo servants have their own lore centric role to play!!! oh thatd be a dream.... but i have learned to not expect much from a fanservice game so im jus gonna draw my own stuff! (strikes a pose!) (mashu claps!)

[chickenfetus]

all moongan

thank you for asking falen tbh i love u sm and i love doing these 

omg is this ask for this ask meme i literally almost posted this along with the wrong ask fml

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

more cereal than mik because.. i dont eat cereal with milk……… i love the crunch

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

as someone who lives in a tropical country is that what its called idk we dont have seasons and it never gets lower than 25 degrees so yes that would be ideal

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

hrmmmmm… i just remember the page number?? or try to lmao if i dont remember i just skim through the pages and try to recognise where i left off

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

with at least 2 packets of sugar tbh…. i dont drink coffee

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

omg story time i went 2 get my braces removed and the dentist wanted to take pics so he was like “smile with your teeth!” and i was like ok! but then he kept saying i wasnt doing it right lmao… guess whos never smiled b4… (me) so he told me 2 practice my smile lol i didnt answer the qn but ya,,, i am probably

6: do you keep plants?

i used 2 be very against plants… now theyre okay i guess i dont rly keep any

7: do you name your plants?

refer 2 6

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

art??? i havent drawn in awhile

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

no LOL

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

on my side!!!! i cant sleep on my back bc i gotta hug smth.. and my stomach is out of the qn

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

🅱️… and .. same brainwaves…. poor mans ____…. this is all from the shady hq im so sorry my other pals

12: what’s your favorite planet?

the moon for no real reason

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

hMMm, watching astro and mx perform??? and just being shady with bell lmao

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

this… question,,,..so im thinking of a bright place with white walls and translucent curtains so the light call fill the (living) room perfectly and everythings really ??? sunny and shit idk its warm… the floor’s made of (fake?) wood and theres a small kitchen bc i cant cook and idk if my friend would be able to lol.. theres 2 bed rooms both are painfully small but it works.. theres one other room with a closet for clothes… the bathroom is just a shower, sink and toilet… theres no washing machine rip and ?? thats about it poor mens life

i watchd the like we used mv again and i realized ...... that is literally where i got this imagery from thanks the rose i love a relatable band

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

heres a fact (?) from me first: it rains diamonds on one planet ?? mecury maybe?? mars??? whomst.. this isnt even a fact its ,me trying to recall shit

ok real fact: There are thousands of other planets out there. sorry lads this website doesnt wanna have fun

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

is spaghetti bolognese a pasta dish

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

im chill with my current hair colour??? bc its brown sometimes idk shitty hair

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

i asked my irl friends (group name: panic support group) and this is what they said

K: everything

E: when u were one hour late (i dont remember this happening but i do know im always late but never for an hour past me wyd)

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

goDD i dont but i sure want to

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

this is strange but every eye colour is my favourite although ppl with two or more colours in their eyes are so cool

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

its just my school bag lmao i got it 4 years ago and i take it everywhere even if the event is “small” and they ask us to bring “smaller bags” ill bring my big ass school bag anyway it looks like this (i dont have to but linking stuff is so fun)

22: are you a morning person?

technically.???its the holidays but i still manage to get up before 10 (most of the time) and … even if i have like 5 hours of sleep i manage to feel awake really easily????

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

tf i just use my phone lmao this is what ive been doing for like a month now… i could watch every vlive i havent watched yet, i could make video compilations i could practice my art but… even though im out of school im still procrastinating.. legends only

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

mmmm falens the closest to that

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

my classroom

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

white converse??  i have 2 get new ones every like 2 years since theyre also my school shoes and break easily….. other than those i have my blueblack converse too (i dont wear them as much so theyre still in one piece)

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

i dont eat bubblegum bc im always afraid ill swallow it and die and im p sure its illegal here

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset but i dont look outside enough for either

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

hm……… with jen its when she sends me asks on anon despite it being super obvious like im not a Fan when my friends send me asks on anon bc sometimes i cant tell and i get a sense of false hope but w/ jen its okay but i know its her

with bell its when they reply to my keyboard smashes with their own keyboard smashes lmao and when they just??//?? say smth cute abt their faves (lately its been sanha thank u sh)

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

ya lmao when i have 2 sleep alone and its completely dark i have half a mind 2 believe some random supernatural being is out for me

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

hmM. socks are great i always wear them bc i wear shoes almost every time i go outside… i dont have any weird socks bc im Boring but i have 3 pkmn songs and 1 gudetama socks/.. bUT I DID buy my friend those socks with individual toe pockets… it was so funny when my other friend saw it she choked on her drink and almost spat it out. we laughed so hard we hit our heads against each other i love friendship.. i have 2 wear white socks for sch bc… aesthetic? god if i know lmao….. i only ever wear ankle socks bc….. socks any higher than that? cancelled.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

listen ive never stayed up later than like 1am ok maybe 2am??? but i was working on like a project that was due the next day for school with my groupmates (friends) so does that count lmao

33: what’s your fave pastry?

bread………. sugar donuts…….. i am Aware that thats not how u spell it but wtv

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

why does this ask so many qns in 1 qn……. i had a cat?? it had pink stripes and it didnt have a name bc i dont name my stuff��� even my pokemon.. and yeah i still have it except its in a big dusty bag where all my other toys are kept

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

i kinda have to use stationary for school so ya.. p often is correct… pretty pens??? i dont rly see the point whoopS!!! in exams u can only use black or blue so

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

im listening 2 day6 so like day6

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

my room isnt even my room i just go there to sleep .. the place im always at is like a study area except its open?? so everyone can see me lol and . its not messy?? if u look at it from far but the shit on the desk and shelves are so fucking messy god i need to pack those

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

aLRIGHT LADS welcome 2 megans ted talk

(skip this if ur not fond of drama)

so something (refer to the song he said suits myday) happened with jae recently and ive seen fans trying to defend him by @ing him and saying that they love him which is fine - great even! but what i dont approve is how everyone’s basically forgotten about the whole matter because they had concerts so instead of @-ing him and asking him to explain himself, they tell him what a great concert it was which is also great bc their concerts are honestly amazing. basically my pet peeve is when ppl dismiss the problematic action of some people just bc they like them.

another thing is that there were some fans who started guilting others for wanting to drop day6 completely because of what jae did and in my opinion i think it is totally cool to want to drop a group if they did smth bad like??? its ur life???? u can choose who you want to like. what is not cool is pulling out all the good things the person has ever done in their entire life and try to remind others about the positive sides of the person. yes. they’re an encouraging person, etc. but that does not cancel out the bad things they’ve done until they explain/apologise. what is infuriating is just the manner some people took it?? they literally went ahead and tweeted shit like “would your parents drop you if you did smth wrong?” and “you’re seriously gonna drop someone whos been nothing been nice because of one incident?” yes. people will and you dont have any fucking right to stop them? so dont go pulling out receipts.

another thing. its also okay to want to stan the whole group even if someone has done smth problematic. like? to me youre cool if youre able to see and acknowledge the bad shit someone has done and still stand by their side while educating them at the same time its nice to have faith in your idols. however, i wont say much when your idols dont respond and/or respond in a way that shows absolutely no remorse. its cool if you want to support them too, despite that.

tldr; dont fucking excuse someone’s behaviour/action just because youre so far up their fucking ass. dont pull out shit from before either, be it good or bad. and lastly, its okay to want to drop/continue supporting them, its your life.

i just wanted to talk about this tbh,, it was nice to see a few mydays trying to urge jae to explain the whole situation but seeing as he still hasnt and couldve it really irks me :-/

okay update its been a day and i havent really thought about this but im kinda conflicted now bc jae still hasnt talked about the song and im probably just making a big deal out of smth that will never happen again but it really doesnt sit right with me knowing that jae recommended that song to his fans and said it suited mydays?? bc looking at the lyrics... i SURE hope not... idk i have neither forgiven or forgotten but he’s okay now.? i cant stay mad at someone for that long anyway ill never forgive him 4 it though lmao petty ppl only

another thing... jae’s still an amazing person to me with all the encouraging words he says to mydays but this one incident is just soOOOOO hrm and i did go off tangent with the question as usual lol

39: what color do you wear the most?

i wear a lot of colours tbh??? but bc its rly hot out ive just been wearing the same shirt every time i leave the house and its black so

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

i dont wear jewelry rip

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

challenger deep

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

hm,, ive only ever visited this coffee shop like more than once bc the girl i used 2 like showed it to me b4 like 2 years ago and it was nice i liked their mocha frappe and its cozy i guess??? sometimes i go there with friends to study/just eat but i havent gone in awhile.., its two stories and it has an open air sitting area too i prefer sitting inside bc the sun is a big no thanks.. the ceiling is kind of like?? going downward?? like the kind iin attics???? idk man it was nice

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

u cant see shit here sorry

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

cant relate

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

yea?? sometimes i just gotta bc my brain wont shut the fuck up

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

suddenly all of the puns i know have left my mind thanks @ me

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

vegetables

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

the dark and whats basically in it???? like ghosts zombies and shit u kno the scary shit

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

i like buying albums?? theres a CD in those so it counts lmao i bought sunrise by day6

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

boxes??? like containers????

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

boxy and letting go by day6

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

YOU KNOW I HAD TO DO IT TO THEM and oh worm

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

me: rocky.. ?????? from astro.. /?? no ive never heard of any of those and i saw the word horror so u wont hear abt those from me any time soon

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

i literally havent been outside for 2 days

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

be petty aka yesterday i changed my twitter icon from jae 2 brian bc jae’s being a child rn so hes out

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

when they ramble abt smth they like thanksk buds

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

is this the song from p!atd i have it in my playlist lmao oh i fucing hate this song i always skip it im not listening

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

idk what either of those are but bell and boxy

59: what’s your favorite myth?

idk any

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

anything that eunwoo has ever written

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

ive given eggs for karissa’s birthday b4 and i got a kermit its not stupid tho its just the closest thign i could think of

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

i drink water juice everyday every minute every hour

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

my books are all in shelves lads i just  heard the fucking keys rattle im not doing this shit im logging off night

ok day 3 and im back like i said previously my books are on shelves i tried rearranging them by series b4 but my housekeeper rearrnaged them randomly the next day so i gave up

i make playlists for songs that i like, really like (i still skip them sometimes rip) and songs that my friend recommends me i have a seperate playlist for the songs i like in japanese 2

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

light blue?? like its actually p white bc its cloudy

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

m not rly

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

just. leaves maybe??

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

Horror Movie

68: what’s winter like where you live?

oh winter is fucking fantastic it never gets colder than 25 degrees celsius here and if it does rain it lasts for like 10 minutes

69: what are your favorite board games?

i used to rly like snake and ladders and monopoly :-o

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

im not ready for that kinda death

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

english breakfast or earl gray??? those r like the standard right

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

ya but i never do bc i either forget to or am just 2 lazy

73: what are some of your worst habits?

being lazy + procrastinating :-D

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

okie :-o ..

they’re great ok ive talked abt them like 10 times in the span of 2 months but whatever folks

they’re super nice, kind and just all of the positive adjectives out there in the dictionary ...... they’ve helped me multiple times and they’re always there 2 lend me a listening ear (or in our case, eye lmao) idk??? im just super comfortable around them always and im honestly so thankful we became mutuals (and subsequently friends) last year!!!! i cant say a lot bc ill just get v repetitive but overall they’re an awesome friend and im glad we still communicate daily via twitter and sometimes our skype sessions even if they’re kinda awkward bc i never know when 2 talk bc im scared ill speak and theyll say smth and itll turn into a MESS which actually happened lmao  

im looking forward to the day our skype sessions become super smooth and easy going!!!

75: tell us about your pets!

i have none but id die for boxys cats

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

well yeah always tbh but its not smth i have to do but more like want to do im just 2 lazy to get around doing it

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

?? i almost said lemons arent pink but i Remembered...... yellow lemonade

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

i feel like this is an Attack? okay LISTEN so story time again.

on the flight back from japan i watched the alien covenant and i couldnt even get past the scene where the baby alien was gonna kill the poor guy who ended up being locked up with the infected dude as soon as i saw the blood and the alien emerge from the guy’s back i bolted lmao

so to calm myself down nd block that memory from my mind i went ahead and watched despicable me 3.. which HONESTLY im the worst critic ever but in my humble opinion.... the movie was good????????? idk i didnt watch minions the movie though i got lazy again whooopS!

anwyay i sidetracked but im neutral im not a fan but i wouldnt go out of my way to call minions annoying?? bc they really arent? i feel like its only seen that way bc of how people make posts abt how annoying minions are even tho.. they arent??

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

my memory hates me so every specific thing my friends have ever done for me has left my mind but .

the cutest thing? everything my friends do for me

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

theyre yellow and no i didnt theyve been there ever since i could remember

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

lava cake

82: are/were you good in school?

yeah i was good in school for like the first three years and this year i just flopped so badly lmao and its my important year too oh well my exams r over and i still dont have a backup plan in mind

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

all of dance gavin dance’s albums have awesome art

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

back when i was really into 5sos i thought of getting a tally since that was their logo at that time but now no not really unless i decide to get lance’s face tattooed onto my forehead on impulse

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

im keeping up with hq, bnha and tg manga!!!!

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

idk what those r but sure

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

big hero 6

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

who wrote this whats up with these questions

i googled and.. not really?? they all look nice

89: are you close to your parents?

close enough to stand being in the same room as them but not close enough to want to initiate conversations

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

tokyo was really cool (literally) and if i ever go again id love to go with friends so we can explore more??

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

japan was supposed to be the only plan for this year but my grandad passed away so i had to go to malaysia multiple times earlier this year ik this wasnt the qn but ive already went to the planned destination tm so

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

BARELY SPRINKLES A PINCH im anti cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

um. like?? i tie the sides of my hair that cover my face back??? bc i dont like hair in my face

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

bell

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

hopefully something useful

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

i also click remind me tomorrow lmao

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

infp-t, capricorn, hufflepuff (same as falen nd jen yay)

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

uh ive never been hiking and i dont plan on it sorry body

99: list some five (or id never shut up) songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

currently......

when you love someone - day6

like we used to - the rose

crazy sexy cool - astro

death of a strawberry - dance gavin dance

if it means a lot to you - a day to remember

idk if these actually “resonate to my soul” they just sound nice

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

oh worm.. i wouldnt miind either???

i know i have 2 choose but like

if i go back into the past i could be less annoying?? but the past has actually helped me be the way i am today and i think im learning to be a better person?? im definitely way better than how i was previously 5 years ago and im just grateful i was able to learn from my mistakes???

so i wouldnt go back to the past.

if its in the future i can see how ill end up and if its not good i might end up being able to change myself so i dont get my “bad end”..???? maybe or i can just see what happens in the future and i can look forward to it

itll also give me a chnace to have the most fun while i can if its not too nice

so my decision is to go to the future

thank you so much for asking falen god this got so long lmao

[11toe11-blog]

oNce again on that sTreet

I suppose I am at a point where, i need to sit down and draw this out of me. Clean the well.

Shuba asked me yesterday. Why dont i write. I do. Almost every other day. About something or the other. As observations. Contemplations. Very rarely once in a while meanders into poetry and almost never creative fiction.

I am...afraid of fiction.

There i said it. 

I suppose then its corollary goes that I am afriad of reality. Maybe. 

But let me start with fiction and try and lean into the obvious and apparent fear of fiction. As i write i notice a weight, a clenching in the middle of my chest. And rolling up to my throat. 

But lets persist this one time. 

I am making it a point to note the very obvious physical sensations as i write. 

So yes, fear of fiction.

Yesterday Rajiv shared a talk between Marina Abramovic and Alejandro I ( I forget the surname but the same guy who made birdman). Talkin about Virtual Reality as the next frontier of creative exploration after film, he mentioned about how the human brain makes no distinction between reality and fiction. Obviously more so in case of VR, but garden variety novels and comic strips and books and stories and theatre and film and all of that fall into that space where the brain makes no distinction between what is my reality lived and expereinced and, even if briefly the story of another. From experience i know, some of us are better than others at extricating ourselves from the story we entered to continue walking in the present, many of us carry the seeds and suggestions of te story, and many many of us  remain in the story. 

That makes stories very powerful and dangerous.

That makes story tellers very powerful and dangerous.

Layers and layers of stories wrapped around. Layers and layers of memories. Layers and layers of connections. Gateways of infinite possibilities on one had. And very own, home spun energy leeching coccoon on the other.

My brain particularly has had difficulties distinguishing stories and reality. Ive grown up with stories. Like most kids. Like most kids who loved loved listening and reading to stories and were surrounded by generous adults who lavished attention as stories of adventures great and small, stories read or retold or instantly woven.

By the time i started on film, I could watch a movie. And sit then later sit and play the whole thing back and watch it in my mind. My own personal Netflix. I could run it when ever i was alone - in the loo, before i slept, when i woke up, yada.

After my sexual encounter with an older cousin at the age of 8 years, these films began to have distinct sexual content too. I could replace characters. Mix up relationships.  Easily enter relams of taboo.  So while outwardly i was struggling with the shame and social anxities and adaptation, my inner world and ofcourse my body demanded the thrill of the grind. That heightended feeling when one could rub ones vagina against something. A swollen penis covered by denim, a leg, a thigh, another vagina, pillow.

Well, given a young girl in kerala, i am sure you can imagine the confusion of the middle class family facing their own share of social and emtional hardships. The school that preffers children like a batch of uniformed cupcakes. Encountering this strange child who seemed wild and untamable. Plenty of trashings and socail embarassments and isolations.

Ofcourse not to mention, adventures. And misadventures.

I suppose since my mind could go anywhere, into any restricted area, physical restrictions made no sense. I remember dreaming up a story of the romance between two of my young teachers, both married to different people. Can you beleive the thrashing i got when i started telling these stories and it finally reached my teacher.

Or of imaging the sex lives of the young Brahmin couple with a child and parents living with them. I imagined them waking up after everyone had gone to bed and first the guy would make his way to the bathroom aoutside and then the wife would follow him. And there they would have steamy sex, have a quiet shower together and sneak back into the house. 

I was happily making porn even before internet.

Well. I suppose so was the rest of the state, i suppose. The older i grew, i dont think i accepted it because i probably had drawn a veil of self-propriety, most of the people around me too were living out imgained sexual fantasies. That was hard to accept. 

Like knowing that my father had affairs of sorts, or walking into him holding the handsof the servant girl in the darkest corner of the house and him suddenly making a scene about her having not done some work and her giggling. Or my mother hinting constantly at my fathers transgressions and waywardness, possibly to allay her own pressures and guilt of pleasures. 

Knowing that my mother lied to me about her relationship with her best friend...what was simple and liberal suddenly turned murky. And murkier when she had a strange toxic sexual relationship with the substaff in her office. Depiste the sick sadomachotistic territory it went through and put all of us through, the class-lessness also  mattered to me too i suppose. And years of silence and protecting honor and holding the family together and all those things

A simultaneous tightening and release of the chest.

Why did i  meander into this dark alley? Because stories are full of dark alleys. The mind is full of dark alleys. How to shine some light could be what stories are about. 

BUt then, in the hands of some, its possible to turn off the lights too with stories.

In my adult identity, i am surrounded by storytellers. Not passively as a book full of shelves or a netflix account. But the creators - film makes, illustrators, theatre makers, movers, singers, spiritual seekers, dream makers. At briefly before - journalitsts, PR gus, activists, hope makers. And before that colleges/ schools - naarative makers.

So yea, I am surrounded by storytellers. I chose this, obviously. I chose in my life path to be surrounded by storytellers. Yet i want nothing to do with them . 

As much as a part of me years to play and spin with them. Another part of me is terrified of them.

The tricksters.

Who can make one buy into anything. Any idea. Lose ones self in a moment. 

Offer ones mind on a platter. Mind and energy. 

I doubt their intentions.

What do they want my attention for?

What are they going to do with all this attention they are getting? All this fuel they draw out of people and surroundings, what are they offering it to? Whose altar do they worship?

Obviously i havent never articulated these out aloud.

 I would be without friends. Well over time i have ver very few anyways. So thats hardly the problem. I suppose the reasin i have never articulated this out aloud is probably beacuse, the three fingers point at me. I suspect corruption, because i have seen corruption within me.

The creating and dismantling of identities, hunting for attention, people becoming pawns, ambition, self obsession, narcissism, vacume. Addiction to the drama. 

A vehicle, for the archtypes to do their dance. Chewed and spat out and regenerated and chewed and spat out and gathering sharrered pieces of life only to be chewed again. Reminds me of the moringa. BUt clearly the moringa is not complaining. I am. 

Some part of me has had enough. With the circus. The puppet life.

Another part of is there, waiting in the wings on my toes to be swept in.

While i was always curious about the mind, i suppose it was never with this focus, this drive to tame it. And somewhere even in that i know i am still dancing, even if it appears like a non-dance. Kalari, Vipassna, Tai Chi, Tantra, Ramana. Even art therapy.

All of it is for self knowledge. And ofcourse the practises are taking one there, otherwise how else would this note have been possible. Though in my attitude, i am at war. There is a war for awareness and attention. I am at war with my mind. Even as i write it, i know how futile it is - same dog pulling at opposite ends of the same bone. How? Dog will go hungry. Period. 

Meaningless.

I suppose the idea is to trust ones self. And self will take care of the mind. So in effect, even trust the mind because one has already trusted ones self. But my mind has gotten me into so much trouble, made friends with the craziest of archetypes that i am afriad. Yes, i am afriad of it. That it will get me into trouble again. I wont be able to distinguish  and centre. And another archtype will possess and ride me. And my mind, will let it.

And all over again, i will lose my sense of self.

Pain. Confusion. Loss of dignity. Loss of stability. All of that i associate with that. And i am just resurfacing after one recent round. Brinks of insanity.

I suppose that is why i practise and hold on to the forms that have come to me. Kalari, Vipassana, Tai Chi. Thy have travelled through time. Stood the tests of the mind to anhilate them. And with them, Ill hopefully be able to fashion a key. To keep me safe.

Lightening of chest

There i said it. And i see that i am clinging. All this, to be safe. And if it is clinging to safety, it is the ego. Which wants to be safe. The mind wants to be safe from itself. Hirlarious!

Like puppet theatre. One hand plays red riding hood and the other hand plays the big bad wolf.

Distracting me from the puppeteer. 

Why?

If i see the puppeter ill want to be the puppeteer?

Deep breath

I know i have a blindspot. Somewhere. And my attention moves from being the red riding hood or the wolf or the chase. Maybe if i was able to spot the blind spot, ill get to be the puppeter.

The puppeteer who either a good guy or a bad guy, being puppetered in a meta play. In a meta play. Loop. 

Theatre of Earth.

It endless. And no way out. 

Yes, way. Buddha way.

But that doesnt seem to be my question now.

It seems to be, how do i get to play the playwright in one of the plays, at whever level. What is there to lose. Its all only a play. 

Playwright. Setting the frame for the magic. Or witch craft as someone in the comment section of the Marina- Alejandro talk said. Fiddling with the Tao. Not letting nature be. Not letting it be, but manipulating it. Power play. 

The fundamantal question posed by monotheistic practises to the tantric/multi - must the mindscape be meddled with? 

BUt then, unless we are in a continuus state of observation - are we continously always meddling with the mindscape one way or the other? Setting intention , desiring outcomes. God on No God. Arent we taking part in changing the play, upstaging the director, the playwright one way or the other.

Isnt every upstaging also written into the meta play?

What is one to do?

To do or not to do?

Even non doing actively is still doing - reminds ramana.

In flow, even doing feels like non doing - from expereince.

In earlier attempts to create full length work. Infact in earlier writings big or small, iremember most of it being largely dark, and  not wanting to share / put out there the very dark ones. 

My first play, petticoats still sits in paper after many rewritings.Because i couldnt bring myself to put much dark ness out there. Because in the process of rewiting it, i felt i had given into something very dark and powerful, and expereinced wanting to manipulate - lash out at the audience. Expereinced being manipulated - my own life giving way at the seams and lines got blurred.

Powerful forces, i have now come to understand. 

Similar experience with the art therpay project too.

And now a word to get a sense of it - archetypes. 

But hey! I survived. I am writing this am i not. So what am i scared of? The pain and agony and confusion. Losing balance. Giving into the dark egoistic mind.

Somewhere the mind gents hijacked - i stop being the story teller / reseacher and becomes a character - self obsessed and seeking power. One of the default slip intos.

So what am i saying?

So basically, i am/you are saying, i/you want to open this door. But i know this dragon awaits behind it. I have lost it, been mauled by it multiple times. And i am shit scared of opening that door and being mauled. 

Is there a way for me to tame the dragon?

Or should i just walk away from the door and forget all about the dragon. There is a very good chance that it might reappear else where.  Atleast in this case, it is a known devil.

My sisters instagram post just read “ My friend is an artist. And he likes my company. Do i need more validation?” 

A muse, channeler of inspiration. One has been that. But that didnt suffice. I want to be “one of them”, clearly. Yet, i want nothing to do with them clearly.

Do i weild a tool, a weapon or not. 

If i weild it, i can choose not to use it.

If i dont weild it?

I suppose there is so much ego still left in me, that i dont want to play second fiddle. I want my own sunshine. 

Or ……..

Lets look at it another way

is it an exercise is self discovery self knowlege? Then the entire approach is observational - comprehend and understand and question the self - rather than say and state.

An enquirey. v/s An expression

All enquireys are expressions

All expressions need not be enquireys

What is the fundamental question - Abhishek had asked. In my first playwrighting process.

I thought, at that time, that it had to be an intelligent question

Today after a decade of life, i understand that to be - What is the question i am/you are/ one is seeking to find an answer to? What are you grappling with? Articulate it into a question the best you can and explore it the medium of writing aplay. Use your imagination - to move characters- change them, puppeterr - but remember the essence - it is not for you to gain power. Play god, no and then let it go into your head. And be devoured by your own demon. No. Thats happened enough now. So we now know what not to do. And what this is not. 

Now the essence is to - very clearly, scientifically - explore humbly. Approach your gift of imagination - humbly. Opening the door gently. Entering softly - EVERY TIME. With great respect.

And work / play there with the questions. 

And quietly and humbly leave. Taking no more. Demanding no more that thevery process of observation and meaning making.

Reminds me of sandplay.

In the 6 pages and 2 hours, i feel a certain reassurance. I feel like i have asked, without really knowing how to ask. And have been answered to.  Quietly.

Keep the frame wide. And work fiercely to be regular. But with gentleness. And deep honesty. 

Go on and write. 

You can make meaning in many ways for yourself. Writing is one of your earliest tools. Use it to make friends with the dragon behind the door.

You have a very solid physical practise to ground yourself, to navigate the storms. The body practice and the garden. Trust that.

Between the two, the earthing of the physical discipline and access to the mindscapes, you will start finding meaning.

That itself is the purpose. To find meaning.

Remember to enter mindscape, imagination only after knocking on its door. And to close the door behind you as you leave. 

It is the great seas. You know that already. Offer her respects. She will test you to see if you have come/become greeedy. Remind her and yourself that youve come for meaning. ANd truth.

Meaning is truth after all. Layers stacked up, coinciding for a perfect opening. Insight.

Where is love in all this? I wondered

What is not love? Pat comes the answer.