#thats not much of a family so why go through the stress and social anxiety when its optional to just. have it. mailed.

[depraved-gf]

Can I vent? Imma vent. I think you might appreciate the change of all sex stuff. Maybe.

So this is a very old wound, but it still bleeds every now and then. Back ground, I was the weird kid at school. I've always been kind of a loner. And I've always wanted my own "Tumblr girl" story. I met a girl on here and we just clicked. We became best friends, wed talk on a daily basis and spent around 6 hours on the phone once. I fell deeply in love got her, and I will admit; what happened next was completely my fault. I was selfish and dumb, I wanted my romantic version of her to be real and fall for me. I told her I liked her and she didn't like it, she Also had a boyfriend back then. Said we had never met. Oh, yes. That's right. Forgot to mention that. I lived in Mexico, and she was from the UK. Anyway, back then I would use Tumblr a lot more. And had my private blog where I would vent. I had a shit load of posts about her, might have been a tad bit obsessed. But being a Scorpio thats kinda like it is. Well, she somehow found it and freaked out. She asked me to never talk to her again and we'll; we talked about it and tried to fix things but the damage was done and she didn't want anything else to do with me. One year later she blocked me on every social media and her phone. My world came crashing in, and even tho I could have made other accounts and stalk her, I knew she didn't want that. So I didn't. I dealt with my anxiety on my own. How could someone who had seen how much they meant to me, do that? A few years passed and she sent me a message through xbox (we used to play for hours together). She asked me why I had done all of those things. When she sent me that message I had my head in a whole different space, and I missed the message. Could I have fixed things? (Should I also mention she used to read my erotic stories? The last story I gave her to read was one that was CNC, kinda hardcore.) She ended up blocking me because I insisted on being friends. There was a lot I could have done differently. But yeah. That. low key, Still wish she sends me another message one day.

I wanna let you have this space to vent. I hear you and I see you <3 If you need advice or an unbiased perspective, I'm gonna give it below, but feel free to ignore if you just needed that space. :)

--------

The answer to your question? Maybe. Maybe you could've fixed things, and maybe she'll reach out again. There's really no telling since we can't read her mind.

If she sent you a message years later even asking for clarification, she might pop up again one day. But it's most important that you let her have that space to come back if/when she wants. If you were a little pushy or insistent, along with having a private blog about her and she found it... It can cause some really scary and uneasy feelings, even if you meant well.

But I really wanna address the question: "how could someone who had seen how much they meant to me do that?"

The thing is, she doesn't owe you anything regardless of your feelings to her. I know it feels unfair, especially when feelings are unrequited. I empathize greatly with this and I know how downright painful it can be. I've been there. I'm still blocked by someone I once adored but fucked up with. Ultimately, we both made someone feel uncomfortable and they had the right to block us. And unfortunately, we have to be okay with that.

But again, and I can't stress this enough - let her come to you, baby. By doing this, you her know that her boundaries are respected by you.

Still, overall, I hope you're taking care of yourself. Never forget that you deserve to be taken care of. Go out, get into some really rad new hobbies, sniff some flowers, enjoy time with any friends of family you may have. Take it one day at a time.

Whether you reconcile with this girl or not, there will be other loves that light your soul on fire, maybe even moreso than you've ever before experienced. You're gonna be alright ♡

[twilights-bread]

For the ten millionth time, stop asking me to change my mind and walk down the isle when I graduate

[d0llpie]

could we suggest a scenario instead of a # from the prompt list? if we can could you write hcs (or whatever format you prefer haha) of fake dating for sakusa? like maybe you’re going home from college and ur parents are expecting you to bring home a boyfriend.

ofc if this isn’t what you normally do i understand !!

Fake Dating Sakusa

sakusa x reader

a/n: Hii yes this is perfectly fine, thank you for the request love <33 Also i don’t usually incorporate ‘germaphobe’ sakusa into my works, i still make reference to his social anxiety and cleanliness but i keep it low key if that makes sense? Hope you enjoy regardless <3

wc: 2k

- You were friends with Komori during middle school since he lived near you

- As you grew closer you started attending his volleyball practices and he introduced you to Sakusa

- You were bright and bubbly and spoke to him every game and practice, commending him on his skills. It was rare to get a reply but you still tried nonetheless

- Once Komori had asked you to become the manager, the three of you started hanging out more often, leading to you being one of the few people Sakusa wasn’t uncomfortable around

- Once you entered high school together the boy’s volleyball team was already amazing, Sakusa became the ace while you were focused on your studies and own extra curriculars

- When Sakusa asked you to manage his team he didn’t think you would decline, as petty as it was he started ignoring you

- Komori was annoyed at his behaviour and you just tried to get under his skin to annoy him. Slipping notes into his locker and notebooks, even flinging your mask at him across the classroom but he didn’t blink.

- Your mum asked why she hadn’t seen Kiyoomi around lately and you decided to tell her everything, including how much you missed him.

- She offered to call his mum but you quickly shut her down, instead making Komori talk some sense into him.

- The next day he showed up at your door, with brows furrowed, although you could only see half his face you could tell he had a guilty expression

- “Soo, you come crawling back to me just like always” you sighed dramatically before entering your house, rolling his eyes

- “I’m sorry for expecting so much from you, i know you aren’t interested in volleyball and just support me but i enjoy your support.” you were taken back by his blunt apology and nodded, about to speak when you were interrupted

- “Sakusa! Come in come in, i haven’t seen you in while how is volleyball!” you mum ushered him into the kitchen, starting the kettle to make some tea

- “Hi mrs l/n, it’s been good, we’re improving and nationals is approaching” he removed his mask and sat at the bench, looking over at you expectantly

- You smiled before sitting next him, “Well thats great! I’m sure your mum is proud, i need to catch up with her soon” you watched fondly as they interacted, remembering how your mum seemed to be on his side more when you explained his absence

- “I have to leave soon, i’ll be back in a few hours, Kiyoomi would you like to stay for dinner dear?” he nodded curtly “if that’s okay with you” she smiled before turning to you

- “y/n, about the trip next week, your cousin is bringing her boyfriend so you can bring Sakusa, if you’re free of course” you became embarrassed quickly, understanding that your mum had mistaken Kiyoomi for your boyfriend when you spoke to her

- “mum wait-“ “okay i really need to go now, we can talk about this later, bye guys” she rushed out the door and you sighed, slowly turning to see Sakusa’s unreadable expression

- “Is your mother under the impression that we’re dating...?” you wanted to crawl under the floorboards and melt into the earth “um, i think so? i didn’t tell her that i think she got confused when i explained why you were ignoring me..” he nodded understandingly

- “I am free” you quirked your brow “Omi you don’t have to come i can explain everything to her..”

- “i guess, that’s a bit of a hassle though don’t you think? And besides, your family likes me more than you.” you lightly hit his shoulder before standing up to bring the tea into the lounge room, Sakusa following behind you

- “I guess, but, you’d have to pretend to be my boyfriend in front of everyone and my cousin will ask a lot of question, do you think you’d be okay?” his eyes softened at your concern before he answered

- “I don’t mind, it won’t be difficult, plus we can always just stay in the hotel room and say we’re on a date or something if it gets too much” he shrugged “wow Omi, i didn’t know you could think this much so fast” he glared at you and you laughed

- “Alright then babe, i’ll tell mum when she gets back” you laughed again, focusing on your cup of tea, missing the way the tips of his ears burned red

~

Next week came all too fast, you and Sakusa had managed to slip back into the way your friendship was beforehand, comfortable.

Sakusa was sitting on the edge of your bed, watching you pack up the last of your things into the suitcase. You knew it might be a bit much for him to be in a car with your family for hours so you were going to take his car. It would give you both time to sort out your story and prepare for the week ahead. You hopped into the passenger seat and started playing your playlist.

“Okay so, mum won’t ask many questions, she loves you anyway, however, my cousin will ask about first dates and will want to know e v e r y t h i n g” you turned to face him when his arm reached behind the head of your chair, he looked back to reverse and you stared blankly at his side profile, seeing his arms flex. You cleared your throat and turned back in front of you to continue. “We need a story”, as he pulled out of your street and began driving he spoke “I mean we can tell the truth about how we met, say you confessed after a volleyball match where i won and our first date was a picnic, we’ve been together for a few months and your mum found out recently” you stared at him shocked “i thought i would be having to prepare you but okay” you playfully rolled your eyes and smiled “What about acting like a couple?” “well your mum already assumed and i’m comfortable with you so it’s not like people don’t already think we act like one, anything off limits?” you hummed “jeez what do you have in mind” you teased and he scoffed “I mean the obvious hand holding and hugs will have to probably happen but anything else you do or don’t want?” yes. You shook the thought away “That should be fine, what about you?” “that’s fine, you can take a nap if you’re tired, it’ll be a few hours” you nodded before settling into your seat comfortably, quickly falling asleep.

Sakusa looked over at you and noticed the goosebumps on your skin, he reaching onto the backseat floor and placed a jacket over you the best he could. He glanced to you at the side fairly often, watching you peacefully sleep under his jacket. He smiled to himself while continuing to drive.

You woke up as soon as the car stopped, looking around confused, feeling an unfamiliar weight and material draped over you. You looked down and recognised Sakusas jacket, remembering you fell asleep in the car. You looked over to see Sakusa looking down at you “sleep well?” “mhm” you sat up properly and took a few minutes to adjust to being awake. “Alright well, your family is here, you ready to act babe?” he threw the nickname back at you and your eyes widened before you put on a casual smile, realising you needed to get used to acting like you were in a relationship with your friend.

“Y/n, Sakusa! How was the drive? We’re all gonna put our bags away and get settled in before dinner, make sure you both get ready!” your parents greeted you both “It was nice, we’ll settle in now, thank you” your mother handed Sakusa one of the room keys. You went to grab your bags but Sakusa beat you to it, taking both of your bags and leading you to the room.

When you entered you made a mental note to annoy your mother, there was only one bed. “Kiyoomi i’m sorry, I didn’t know she would book it like this, actually i’m not surprised...” he nodded understandingly, putting both your bags on the bed. “I’ll sleep on the chair or the floor it’ll be fine, c’mon let’s get ready” you wanted to argue against him doing that, but hummed and began to get ready.

Once you finished getting dressed, you left the bathroom and met Sakusa by the door “You look good, ready?” you nodded, smiling brightly at him. He slipped an arm around your waist and you tensed up before relaxing into his hold

Dinner went smoothly for the most part, you let Kiyoomi do most of the talking since he answered all the questions relating to your relationship with ease, even including stories from middle school and weaving them into the lies about your dating life. “So, when did you realise you liked each other?” your cousin eyed you curiously and you looked over to Sakusa. “I’ve always known, she’s always made me feel safe enough to be myself, respecting me while still annoying the crap out of me. I knew on her first day as our manager in middle school, during a break she handed everyone water bottles but she went to my bag to bring me my own water bottle instead” you were staring at him in awe, millions of thoughts running through your mind. Was he serious? He couldn’t be..but wow that was detailed and he seemed, genuine? He looked over to see you staring at him, starstruck expression on your face, similar to when he looks over to you in the stands after landing a spike. Your cousin let out a few ‘awws’ holding her boyfriends hand before turning to you again. “Oh, um, I knew when he came and picked me up at the mall, i had had a horrible day, everything was going wrong and i just wanted to get out of there but i was so stressed and despite the crowded place he still came anyway.” your heart was racing, you were sure you looked completely flustered, fiddling with your hands under the table. Sakusa noticed your nervous state and gripped your hand in his own, squeezing to calm you while keeping his attention on the rest of the table. You smiled, squeezing back softly.

After dinner you flopped onto the bed, exhausted and trying to calm down. You let Kiyoomi shower first, hopping in after him, letting the hot water soak into your muscles and relax you. After you got ready for bed you came out of the bathroom to see Kiyoomi setting blankets on the floor “Just get on the bed Sakusa” you laughed and slid under the covers, lying as far on edge as possible to avoid making him uncomfortable. “I wasn’t lying.” he was lying on his back, staring up at the roof, you turned to face him, your heart rate picking up again. “Me neither...” he turned his head to look at you, moving onto his side, your faces mere inches apart. “I agreed to this because i like you y/n..” you could feel his breath fan across your face and you smiled “I wanted you to come, i like you too” you whispered the last part as you closed the distance between you both, kissing him on the cheek softly. A small blush spread across his cheeks and he wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you into his chest “I’m glad we aren’t faking anymore” you whispered into his chest “i never was, goodnight y/n” you snuggled further into his hold “goodnight omi”

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

so everything’s bothering me again. one, school, to be expected, i hate school. literally would rather just not do it whatsoever. the thought of having to go through 8 more fucking months of near pointless information makes me want to go into hypersleep, and come back when i can leave and get a job and not have to do school anymore. i dont even need pre-cal?? I plan to do what I want with my future, and thrive in a business that I created, or enjoy working for, not slaving away to the machine that is capitalism. i dont want to be a doctor, or a CEO, or anything like that. i just want to be happy, at whatever job I’m at.

and im not getting “dragged” per se, into fandom shit, but it really just stresses me out seeing people leaving, or being unhappy. and still not being able to get all of my feelings across the way. hurting someone’s feelings is the last thing i want to do, but withholding how i feel about certain things hurts me a lot in the long run. I was doing just fine, but it seems like I keep getting hit with blow after blow. it makes me not trust people who i feel like i should. and i hate that. and i try my best to be respectful, and be nice, but I just feel like i’m being looked down upon.

georgia is the state with the highest COVID rates, or one of the states. my city was on national fucking news, CNN, to talk about how fucked we are. the only two times i’ve seen my city on the fucking news were both times talking about COVID, and high rates of deaths. and low vaccination rates. i dont get it. i really dont. it’s not that hard to go and get a fucking shot that’s free to save not only your life, but your neighbor’s life, and everyone else’s. and people are taking fucking horse medicine to get away from taking the fucking vaccine. it’s FREE for a reason. people are just so fucking stupid sometimes. what does it take to save your fellow fucking neighbor? or hell, since us americans are so fucking selfish, YOURSELF??? i dont get it.

and my dad also fucking pissed me off too. he’s fully vaccinated. so he decided to go out of state to go see a football game with a group of friends, who run a social club. they go to every football game the local team goes to, but im really upset. do they have no respect for the worldwide PANDEMIC at hand? there’s people dying day in and day out, and that’s what they do in response? go away and cheer on a team, and completely disregard everything else. i just cant anymore. why would he do that? put himself and his family in danger? i hate that. i cant do that. i refuse to. i cant willingly put myself at risk of literal death. and he masks up, and socially distances, but i just cant see why he would do that. or why the team would do that. people are dying, and you’re out here just?? going out.

i feel this weird sense haunt me when i think about people going out and getting back to their lives. i mean sure, go out and have fun, but there’s still so much going on right now. i really just cant see how they do that. and schools reopening and all that. my county does school on a case by case basis. like i mentioned earlier, georgia has the HIGHEST rate of COVID, literally every single county has high rates. and kids are still in school? people are still traveling? not wearing masks. i fucking hate it here. yes, go have fun, but people are DYING? i dont get it. sure, you’re doing it safely, but i just dont know. maybe i’m bitter because i literally have close to no people to go out and see because all of my IRL friends go to in-person school, and i just dont feel comfortable being around them with such high death rates and such.

also i got some like...really potentially bad news from a close friend that i cant even talk about so thats great.

im like really touch-starved, and im sure that im losing it at this point. which is everybody, i guess? i just feel really shitty close to all the time, not being able to go and see people, or do fun stuff.

nobody talks about a lot of the bad stuff in being a teenager, because it’s all glamourized. im not sure if it’s normal or not, because nobody fucking talks about it, but ive got bad anxiety, paranoia, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation, the whole fucking nine yards. but it’s all partying and “teens need to stop doing this and that” and i know that social media is a lie, i get that. but outside of that, nobody talks about how fucked up some things really are. or maybe it’s just because it’s not normal whatsoever to feel this bad, and have this many bad thoughts, and all that. im convinced that all this anxiety isnt normal (i mean, i do have an anxiety disorder, but y’know) the intrusive thoughts, all that. i really just dont think enough people talk about mental health, still, after so much has been done and talked. especially not teens, and definitely not teens of color. it makes me feel even more alone in the struggle to find out what’s normal and what isnt.

society doesn’t give a shit about teenagers, this much i know. i never see people talking good about us. it’s always “there’s a new tiktok trend about kids doing xyz” and “teens need to stop being in blank fandom space”. and it hurts my feelings because i feel like there’s a lot of good kids out there. but people are obsessed with painting us as bad people, and monsters, and it makes me feel like there’s no potential anywhere. for any type of change. because nobody thinks that we can do anything but fuck everything up colossally. so those are my thoughts on that.

i wish i had something good to say, but i really don’t. i want to punch a wall and scream at the top of my lungs that i literally hate everything about everything, even if it isnt true. i feel trapped. that i cant say everything i feel to the people who matter most. and it’s not my fault, i know it isnt. but thats not stopping me from being in this tiny bubble.

[venomous--fics]

Kasady

Summary: You're Cletus Kasady's younger sister, but you've never told anyone. Now his name is everywhere in the news and everyone wants your side of the story.

Warnings: Mentions of past abuse, panic attacks, swearing

Mood music: Lover is a Day- Cuco

A/n: Aaaaye, sorry if this is a dumb idea. I just haven't seen anyone write this type of story? If someone has, anyone wanna link me a fic? Feedback is appreciated and requests are open! My queue is filled with the last batch I got, so expect those soon!

You almost dreaded leaving the apartment anymore. All you saw was his big, stupid, ugly face everywhere. Oh, he did that, oh, he did this, let's remind everyone that he's a monster in prison! Oh, but there's a plot twist; You hated it because you were, unfortunately, related to the guy. Nobody outside your adoptive parents knew. 

You didn't like talking about, you didn't even like thinking about it. You had to put up with so much shit because of that guy. You were grateful that you were young enough that nobody knows or remembers what you look like now. You even changed your last name a few times. First, you changed it to Smith when your parents adopted you, then you changed it to Brock when you got married to Eddie.

It shouldn't bother you, you're a Brock, not a Kasady. However, you couldn't help but feel like that was just your identity. Once a Kasady, always a Kasady. You felt even worse because Eddie had taken up on the Kasady story as a huge part of his new job. 

You were proud of him for finally getting back to what he loved, but sooner or later his trail would come back to you. What were you supposed to tell him? It felt like the walls were closing in on you, and that there was an anchor slowing crushing you. You had to remind yourself to just take it all in one breath at a time. This is just some fad, some story. It'll all go away.

What if it doesn't?

Your head was spinning and you closed your eyes as you sat on your bed. Everything was so quiet, and even that was alarming.

"Babe? We're home!" Eddie voice rang through the apartment.

You sucked in a breath and hopped up and out of the room, "How was work?"

You just wanted to forget about it. 

"Eh, you know." he smiled as he hung his jacket up, "Same shit."

Venom appeared, looking a bit annoyed, "Easy for you to say."

"What's got you in a sour mood, big guy?" you asked, walking over and giving Venom a small kiss before turning to Eddie and giving him a kiss as well.

Venom hesitated for a moment, mostly out of embarrassment, "Well, nothing now, but some guy called us a dick."

"That wasn't very nice of them." you replied, "How about I make some dinner? I was thinking chicken nuggets or- Uh, chicken nuggets."

Eddie looked at Venom, "That's a tough choice. I guess chicken nuggets it is." You preheated the oven, "Why don't you two go get into something a little comfier?"

"Already ahead of you," Eddie said as he walked to the bedroom. 

There was barely any noise for a couple minutes before Eddie said, "So, you know that story I'm working on?"

"Of course," you said, feeling the anxiety building back up. 

"Well, I," he paused, you assumed he was putting a shirt on, "I've reached a dead end with it."

"Oh?" 

"Yeah, I was talking to Cletus- Red- Whatever the hell they're gonna call him.. And he was asking me if he knew anything about his sister." Eddie stumbled out of the room as he pulled up his sweatpants, "I mean, everyone was talking about that, but I figured it was a bunch of bs."

"Oh." you repeated.

"so, I spent a majority of my day trying to find any information on this poor woman- And it's almost like he just fell off the grid."

"Well," you awkwardly chuckled as you got the bag of frozen nuggets out of the freezer, "I guess when a serial killer is your family, you'd want to disappear too, right?"

"I suppose," Eddie said.

Venom, meaning no harm, but just wanting to be part of the conversation, "Maybe he killed her, Eddie. People said that too. Maybe that's why we can't find her."

Out of habit, you put your hand over a scar you had on your arm as a lump form in your throat. It wasn't a nasty scar by any means, it was barely noticeably at this point. It was just a constant reminder. 

You had lied to Eddie and told you that a biker had clipped you one day when you were coming home from work, but that was far from the truth. You wish it had been an innocent accident like that. The reality of it was that, before you and Cletus were removed from your home, he had attempted to, as he put it, saw your arm off. 

Lucky for you, and being the world's biggest crybaby, again, as he would've put it, your mother had heard you screaming. Of course, she always wanted to think that Cletus would just grow out of all of this horrid stuff. You always thought if she had changed her mind, maybe she'd still be alive.

Sometimes you wished Cletus had actually killed you too, it would've been less painful than everything else you had to go through. Growing up, with Cletus always on the news for the shit he'd done, and every thing inbetween, you were slightly grateful that people would make up the rumours that you were dead. Maybe then they'd leave you alone. 

You put yourself on autopilot, taking a trip down trauma lane as you put everything into the oven and set a timer. 

Cletus wasn't always outwardly violent, but that doesn't mean he was kind. He would always pick on you, or tell you that nobody even wanted you. He'd always take your things and ruin them, whether it be lighting them on fire or just cutting them up. 

You were so young, and you tried to believe that maybe older siblings were just like that. Maybe it was normal for them to try to leave you to die in the woods, or maybe it was normal when he'd 'jokingly' push you towards oncoming traffic. You had a lot to unlearn when you got adopted. You never wanted to be around other kids, and you barely spoke, even when you had gone to therapy. Sometimes you'd get angry at nothing and beat up pillows, and no matter what, your adoptive parents also responded with love and understanding.

You never had to deal with siblings again. Your adoptive parents are the only souls, outside the social workers, who ever knew what had gone on with your birth family. you were thankful for that.

The cycle still repeats it self, however. Some days you feel fine, you don't find yourself thinking about it, but then one little thing comes barging in and ruins it all. 

You had completely lost yourself in a memory, and not a good one. You could hear your heart beating in your ear, and you must've been staring off into space.  

The basement was dimly lit, and you remember your dad said he would replace the bulb, but he always forgot. You were stuck to a chair, and you couldn't stop whimpering. 

"You're such a crybaby." 

Cletus came into view with a roll of duct tape. He fiddled with it, trying to get it undone. You shut your eyes and tried to keep quiet. Maybe if you were quiet, he'd let you go.

He finally got a piece cut and he was going to put it over your mouth, but you kept shaking your head, calling out for you mom. You were even kicking at Cletus, which just seemed to annoy him more. 

"Stop it! Stop! Go away! Go away, Cletus!" 

There was something inside Cletus that just made him hate everyone around him. He had no regard for any other form of life. He didn't even feel bad about what he had planned to do to you. In fact, he had blamed you for it, he kept telling you that if you weren't so annoying, or if you were never even born, he wouldn't have to do this.

Finally getting fed up with your struggling, he grabbed your face and put the duct tape over your mouth. This made your crying worse. You could heard footsteps from the floor above you, and you were praying that whoever was up there heard you and was coming to your rescue.

Cletus proceeded to duct tape your arm down to the arm of the chair, making extra sure that it hurt. You were no more than five years old, and you were already telling yourself that this was how you were going to die. 

"You know that old bat can't hear you, stupid." Cletus spat as he turned away to get something.

That's when you remembered where you were. You were at your grandma's house for the weekend. You two would get left here every so often, normally when your parents had errands to run. This time, mom and dad weren't coming back. You were stuck here. 

You were thinking about all the small details of her house now, to distract yourself from what was about to happen.

Mary Poppins. Your grandmother had an odd obsession with her. She had all this little figurines that she decorated her house with. You were never sure why she liked Mary Poppins so much, but you found it endearing. 

She would always hum the songs when she was baking. 

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

You could practically hear her humming along.

Thats when Cletus turned back around and you saw the shimmer of the knife he had. You tried to just think of anything else, but nothing was working now. Everything was so quiet and the only noise was the sligh thum of the old light bulb.

"If you were never born, this wouldn't be happening," he sneered at you as he pushed the knife down onto your arm, "This is your fault."

He kept talking, and you wanted to keep crying, but you found everything so stressful that you were feeling tired. You didn't even have the strength to pay any mind to the burning pain in your arm. It was almost like you'd given up. 

Then you heard her voice. It was calling out for both you and Cletus. It was getting louder, Cletus huffed and dropped the knife on the floor. 

"One noise out of you and I'll make you suffer." he cackled a little bit, "Doesn't really matter, I was going to make you suffer anyways." 

You watched hazily as Cletus made his way up the stairs. You tried to wiggle out of the duct tape restraints, but it caused too much pain, so you gave up. The voices were getting more and more muffled. Cletus was leading her away from the basement. 

You wanted to go home. You wanted to be anywhere but here. You felt more tears welling up in your poor little eyes, and you closed them tightly. Just make it go away. It'll go away.

You remember hearing a lot of noise from upstairs. It sounded like things getting broken, and then several big thuds. You closed your eyes tighter. It grew quiet again. 

You heard the basement creak open, and you heard the soft whimpers of the family pet, Fifi. You loved Fifi. She was a good dog. Cletus came down the stairs, holding the dog by the collar, and you watched as Fifi wriggled and yipped as she tried to get free. 

You were tried to scream at him, but the duct tape muffled any noise that came out of your mouth. Cletus retrieved the knife and dragged the dog back a few steps. You wanted to look away. You didn't want to watch. You were frozen in terror as Cletus held the dog down and lifted the knife.

He was grinning so sadistically. 

You felt something warm wrap around you and you jumped ten feet in the air, pushing them away and yelling, "Don't touch me! Just stay back!" 

Eddie flinched and held his hands up as he took a step back, "Sorry! Sorry! Didn't mean to scare you." 

You tried to catch your breath as you stared at him. You looked like you'd just seen a ghost. Eddie looked a little startled as he lowered his hands and slowly walked over to you, "Are you okay?"

You took another step back as you tried to calm your nerves, "Yeah, I- No- Yes, I'm.. I'm fine. Sorry for- I." 

"Why don't we go sit down for a second.. You look like you're about to pass out." What do you do? What do you say? 

"Did I cause this?" Eddie sounded a little hurt, thinking that he'd unintentionally caused you any harm, "Baby, I'm so sorry." 

"It wasn't you. I just.." you needed to just think of some excuse, "The whole Kas- Cletus thing is just.. Stressful." 

Eddie gently put a hand on your lower back and you flinched again, causing him to move it. 

"I just mean," you sighed a little, "I see it everywhere. It's- I- Nevermind." 

You were fighting with yourself. You were going to say it.

"It's alright. We don't have to talk about it anymore." He sounded so sincere, "And it'll all go away after-"

"That's just it," you wrapped your arms around yourself as you tried so hard to fight those stupid crybaby tears back, "It won't go away."

Despite your best efforts, the tears came running down your face, and Eddie went to wipe your face, but you flinched away and ran into your bedroom. You slammed the door a little too hard behind you, repeating, "It just won't go away." "Y/n," Eddie said, slightly confused as he walked over to the door. He couldn't open the door because you were sitting in front of it, and he could hear you crying. "Baby?"

He crouched down and sat down on the floor. He didn't understand what was going on, and Venom sure as hell didn't know either. They wanted to ask what was wrong, but maybe you'd tell them on your own. 

"Sorry," you said between sniffles. 

"It's okay." Eddie replied, leaning against the door, "What's going on?" You took in a few deep breaths before wiping your face, "It's a long story." Eddie, being a smartass, leaned forward a little to get a peek at the oven timer, "We have time."

You chuckled a little because you heard the door creak with his movement. Eddie chuckled too as he leaned back into his original position. Venom poked out of Eddie's arm and looked at the door for a moment before looking at Eddie, who just nodded a little. The little symbiote wrapped around Eddie's arm and got comfortable as you started talking.

"There-" you shivered a little, "Eddie, there's a good reason why nobody can find Cletus' sister."

Eddie looked at the door, intrigued. Did you know her somehow? Maybe through work? Were you helping her hide somewhere?

"And why's that?" 

"Because, I-" you wiped your eyes again, trying to not burst into tears, "I'm Y/n Kasady." 

Eddie tensed a little as he continued to stare at the door. "You're Y/n Kasady?" 

You hesitated, "Unfortunately, but I mean, legally, I'm not really a Kasady anymore...Obviously." 

Eddie looked down to the floor, taking it all in. Everything made sense now. "How come you never mentioned it?" 

"You think I wanna talk about it?" you didn't mean to come off as bitter, "I just- I hated it. I hated everything to do with that name..Nothing good comes from being a Kasady."

"Nothing good comes from bein' a Brock either." 

"Eddie." you whined.

"Sorry, sorry. I'll try to save the jokes for later." 

"I just never wanted to talk about it." you continued, "Besides, what the hell would I even tell people? You think reporters want to hear a five year old talk about the most horrendous shit?"

"You were five?" Eddie's voice sounded so hoarse. He didn't knowing anything about the elusive Kasady sibling. The fact that it was you,and you were only five made everything worse. 

You couldn't seem to stop yourself, "Cletus was a monster. He killed our grandma- He- He.. Oh god, he tortured the dog while I was duct taped to a chair. Not to mention that he tried to cut my arm off right before all of that- Yeah, that scar? It wasn't from some stupid biker."

"Jesus," Eddie sounded mortified, "I'm..Sorry." 

"To make matters worse, I almost got lost in the system because he burned down the orphanage we were both at." you paused, remembering that day, "With everyone but us inside of it." 

Venom wasn't going to say it, but he felt a little mortified. He had never met a human who was capable of those awful things. 

"They had to separate us, because they thought it would stop him from acting out. That didn't work. Cletus just-" your rant broke off into another fit of helpless sobs, "He ruins everything he touches. I know It's been decades since all of that. I haven't seen him since I was five, but I still live in constant fear-" "He can't hurt you-" 

"What if he breaks out of prison again? What then?" you sounded very panicked, "I have always been on edge. Cletus is a smart man, Eddie- It wouldn't take much to figure out where I am- Or my parents.. Or-"

"Hey, hey," Eddie said softly, "That's not gonna happen. You wanna know why?" "Why?' you croaked, slouching against the door. 

"Because we won't let it." 

You did feel safer since Eddie and venom came into your life. You also knew that they'd rather die then to let anyone hurt you. Cletus was nothing but madman, and it wouldn't take Venom very long to put an end to him. "We love you." Venom said.

You slowly turned to sit on your knees as you opened the door. You looked at Eddie and venom with a weak smile, and Eddie held out his arms, "Come here." You crawled into his arms, and Eddie held you close to him, "I'm sorry you went through that, but I promise you that nothing will ever hurt you again." 

Venom untangled himself from Eddie's arm and wrapped around yours, "We will eat whatever tried to hurt you." 

You curled up closer to him, feeling a lot better, "I know you will...Sorry for being a crybaby."

"Don't need to apologize." Eddie said sweetly, "If it makes you feel better, I can make something up for the story. Just to get it over with." 

"You'd lose your job if they found out that you lied."

Eddie shrugged, "Plenty of other jobs in the world, love." 

"It's okay," you said, "I think, maybe, I..If it's you, I can talk about it. I'm just afraid of how people will see me after. They'll probably think that I'm just like him." 

Eddie rubbed your back softly, "Nobody will think that." 

"Who cares what a bunch of losers think anyways?" Venom looked up at you with all the love he could muster, "We think you are wonderful."  

"You guys are pretty wonderful too." you replied, smiling at them. 

You gave Venom a kiss before you cupped Eddie's face and gave him one as well. Everything felt okay again, and this time you knew they'd remain that way. A startling beep rang through the apartment and you all jumped a little. You then began chuckling as Eddie helped you up. It was just the oven. 

"You okay?" Eddie asked as he watched you get the food out of the oven. He saw you differently now. Not in a bad way, but in a good way. He know understood everything he needed to know, and he knew that you were doing everything in you power to get better. He was proud of you. 

"Yeah, actually." you said, "I guess talking about it really does help.. I was just afraid that maybe," you laughed a little, "Maybe you'd want a divorce, because who wants an infamous serial killer as an in-law?" 

Eddie, seeing the opportunity to lighten the mood with a joke, said, "A what as a what now? I thought you were an only child." 

You looked at him with the softest expression, "Thanks." 

He smiled as he came over and wrapped his arms around your waist, "Don't worry about it." 

You wanted to stay like this forever. Unfortunately, the moment was ruined when Eddie went to grab a nugget right off the tray and yelped as it burned him. "They just got done." you said, trying not to laugh, "You watched me pull them out." 

He went over to the sink and ran his hand under some cold water, "Yeah, but..Why are they still so hot?" 

"Eddie," you laughed, "They just came out of a piping hot oven." 

You got a couple of plates out of the cupboard as Eddie dried his hands. You were putting them on the kitchen island as you saw him go for another nugget out of the corner of your eye. Sometimes its good that not everything changes.

[nightswithkookmin]

WHEN JIKOOK ARE SHADING EACHOTHER:2020 Japan Comback Interview Analysis

WARNING: Full on angst ahead.

If you believe Jikook are holding hands chanting Kumbaya all the time while they walk into a purple sunset this is not for you. Jikook is real. At least to me and as a real relationship they have their fair share of ups and downs.

DISCLAIMER: Everything expressed in here is my thoughts, observations and opinion. It is not meant to offend any of the members involved or anyone else.

A Little Background:

Its my and a few other Jikookers observation that Jikook fight. A lot. They separate or breakup from time to time too. You may or may not have caught these moments as they happen but doesn't mean they don't happen all.

For me, 2018 and 2020 have been the pinnacle of such moments. Jikook are having issues- have been having issues. They are still going through a rough patch unfortunately. But not to be alarmed, they are working through it.

Now I can't say with certainty when such said issues began. I can only speculate. I started noticing some sort of tension between them right before their vacation somewhere between March/August 2019 to date.

I'm talking about their Bon Voyage 4 moments, the tattoo girl scandal, Jimins Paris scandal, Jingle, MMA, Jin's Birthday Vlive moments and all those moments that had us raising our brows.

And when I say started noticing I mean from across the various means they've been communicating with us- across their Weverse posts, Twitter, Vlives, interviews etc

I like to look at all these moments combined to see the bigger picture and not just dwell on individual moments as and when they are presented to us because BigHit do not feed us their moments in real time.

I know what you're thinking and no, Jimin flying all over to South Korea to celebrate Jks birthday wasn't him making a grand gesture for the sake of it. It is my opinion that that was just him extending an olive branch to fix things between them because... More on that later.

To understand the shade I'm referring to you'd have to understand why they are shading eachother to begin with:

Jeon Jungkook. To put it simply, Jeon Jungkook hates not being with Jimin 24/7. HE HATES IT. He hates when Jimin is not with him. When Jimin is not around him. When Jimin is with anybody that is not him. Bless him. He has proven this time and time again with all the times he's cheated to be in the same group as Jimin during Runs. His 'Jimin hyung and I will sleep here' his 'thats the friendship' statements he throws at people when Jimin has a moment with any of the members that remotely resembles anything other than friendship, SateliteJeon, and my personal favorite TeleporterJeon etc

Now I suspect this is just due to his personality as an INTP. He has the tendency to latch on to things that feels falimiliar to him and would fall back to it so he feels safe and anchored. He has latched on to Jimin and uses him as his emotional anchor and safe zone and we thank him for that. Thanks to him we've had all those amazing moments as well as the Jeonlous and now TeleporterJeon moments that only proves to us crazy Jikookers that we aren't that crazy and that Jikook is real. Bless him.

Now Jimin is like that too, don't get it twisted. This man is so deep into Jk he won't even hear anything we say. Call him by his JK. Bless him. Jimin is also very possessive of JK if not more possessive. Its just his slytherin ass does a better Job at hiding it.

The problem is, this differences in their personalities may have likely created a lot of tension and problems in their relationship with each other as well as in the relationship they have with their friends and bandmates.

The difference here being while JK latches onto Jimin because he is an introvert and have anxiety issues and isn't exactly the social type; JM is the very opposite of that.

Jimin is a highly extroverted person and loves to maintain other relationships besides his romantic one and there is nothing wrong with that.

See that face on Tae here? Now that's the face of an angry man right there. Tae literally held his breath when JK came to stand next to him because he was afraid JK was gonna ask him to move so he could stand with Jimin instead like he does with the other members like Hobi and Suga most times. To me, this was him feeling like his little bromance moment with his soulmate was being threatened and intruded on.

EXHIBIT A:

Jimin of course noticed what JK was up to. JK was being territorial. Jimin glanced at Tae through the corner of his eyes and moved to stand behind Tae. Later he tried to cheer Tae up by dancing with him.

We've seen moments time and again where JK has moved to physically block Tae from interacting with Jimin on stage and during fansigning events etc and mind you Tae is Jimin's best friend and soulmate.

This face right here! Thanks for attending my Tedtalk. Have a nice day!

Tae said it not me. It seems JK has the tendency to isolate JM and keep Jimin from his friends most times both on and off camera.

In this video, Tae's expression after he said JK was keeping JM from coming to do the live with him said it all.

Why would Jimin do that? Because I believe Tae had complained to him several times how he feels about JK keeping him all to himself and interfering with their moments most times. Frankly, I'd do same if my friends' partners kept interfering with our girls night.

And also because Jimin likes to reassure people of his love and loyalty when they feel their bond with him is being threatened by someone else. We've seen him do this with JK too a couple of times like when JK saw RM wrap his hand around Jimin during that live and he ducked and later did a heart for him. You know which VLive I'm talking about. Moving on.

Do I need to say anything here? Hobi is JMs roommate and even he complained in this VLive how he was missing JM. So the question is, where the bloody hell had JM been?! Why is everyone he is supposed to be close to missing him? His Bestfriend/soulmate and now his roommate? Fo you see the pattern?

This is not much of a stretch if you think about it because Tae has literally said this to Jimin before when he told him on the live he was missing him and JM had to apologize for that.

Truth is, Jeon Jungkook can be a bit of a bully sometimes when it comes to his position next to Jimin. That's his spot and he won't hesitate to claim it no matter who is in the way.

And for JK, we all know he doesn't interact much with the members off camera. Tae has said once that JK ignores him when they aren't filming which is why when JK was given a secret mission to Ignore Tae, Tae didn't even notice.

Now we all know KBS Gayo is Vmin land and so having JK try to stamp his Jikook stamp on it must have been tough for Tae.

RM has also said how JK doesn't even call him and Jin has said JK barely answers his calls and texts. This is not to say JK is a bad person or hates his other bandmates. He loves them all. He is just an introvert.

Now this is getting longer than intended so I'm going to break this post into two parts.

EXHIBIT B:

But to sum up everything I have been saying and to get to the point of this post, JKs possessiveness over JM for sometime has been taking a toll on JM and the group in general as it has been putting a lot of stress on JMs relationship with others.

To the point, some of the members have even been seen to side eye JK sometimes when he comes around JM and some do try to separate them or put JK in his place, acting like they don't approve of their relationship etc.

Now, I won't name names or point out such moments because it can be a bit controversial and I don't want anyone twisting my words around and calling me names. That would hurt my feelings because I love them all and my intentions are not to be malicious in any way. I'm just pointing out an observation and of course I could be wrong about everything.

I don't know for sure, but it's my belief that Jikook have been advised to spend sometime apart because perhaps people had noticed their codependent tendencies have been reaching exponential heights. It could have been their therapist or their friends or loved ones but since March/August 2019 through late 2019 to date is when I noticed they have been trying to spend time apart.

By this I mean, their vacation apart last year, JM staying with Tae for sometime this year, JM visiting his family in Busan this year, spending time with his friends and JK on the other hand taking much time to himself, picking up new hobbies such as reading, posting on Weverse about how he misses JM which I analyzed in my previous post, JM responding with how he was drinking alone watching the rain;

JK not knowing JM had taken up pop dancing, not knowing JM had taken up boxing- PS: Jikook live together, ride together, do everything together, JM calls Jks Mum Mum etc. They are super close and have proven they know every intimate detail about each other like the food they like, the briefs they wear, how long they shower, when they go to bed, what time they wake up, what song they have on their alarm etc. So when suddenly they don't know certain less intimate detail about eachother it is usually a sign that that information/detail came to exist at a time they were separated and weren't filling eachother in on what they've been up to when they are temporarily apart. Like during the recent Jikook Vlive when Jimin was surprised JK had eaten Gimbap. He seemed really shocked by that information and I wonder why. *smirk

TO BE CONTINUED.....

Signed,

GOLDY

[pani-slunce]

To my sister

Hey sis it’s me uh

Oh I’m Eszti but you also knew me as your big sister so

Sorry, I called you the wrong name, see abusive seems more fitting

See you may not have been like my grandparents who beat for the “religious crimes” I was committing

But doing what you did hurt me worse then any type of physical hitting

You know what was up, you know when we were young I loved you more then a sister

Had me in the bathroom saying “stop kissing and try to resist her”!

You felt it too, you may not admit it to your husband

Afraid of admitting what we had will get you into some trouble

I still remember when we were kids you abandoned me like I was nothing

Our grandparents caught us in bed together while we were lovin

We both got a beating so bad my leg was too broke for running.

So we made a pact of trust that we will help each other through the abuse no matter what

Until you chickened out and threw me under the bus, called me a pervert, faggot, molester, a child of Satan and everything under the sun, saying you tried to keep it hidden but now that your done

Until the next day you left in a hurry leaving broken me as the only one

My grandparents believed all your lies and as a result my torment had begun

For the first few months they locked me in the closet, thinking that being isolated will cure me being gay but did the opposite

What made it worse was the only contact I had was my domestic kidnappers who gave me some food and read me bible versus

From everyday since then I wanted to be carried away in a hearse, and you leaving only made it worse

I sat wondering if I’d ever see the light that keeps being preached to me, but not being able to tell if it was night or day made me even more gloomy

Trying to find anything in the closet thats sharp and can go right through me

After a few months of isolation my grandparents let me out, there only reason was so cops wouldn’t be called to the house

I had to enroll back in school which is exactly what I did, not knowing what to do and suffering from trauma as a kid

I was always the shy one and you knew that, without you I can’t even talk to others for 5 minutes without getting a heart attack and falling flat

Dealing with so much at school then coming home to be beaten. I was too scared to call the cops for so many reasons

A few days of school and I painted my school uniform black, it was symbolic for what I see when my parents used to break objects on my back

Because I blacked out from the pain, not that you would know, you lived a happy life day by day

Getting no sleep and being beat until sunrise, why didn’t I just die, because the lord wanted to see my demise for my crimes

I admit it, yes I fell in love with my own sister, we tried our best to keep it hidden but that doesn’t mean we need to be killed for being different

No childhood, at the park I tried to make my mark, but it was ruined when my grandma would tell the children that I will cut and gut them and hang them up like art

That’s why in all of grandmas photos the children stand far apart, all the kids together smiling and the kid in the back standing in the dark

The bullying from kids got worse as the years in school progressed, mix it with abuse and social anxiety and you get a new level of stress

Wearing black while looking like a freak made me feel like I was stronger inside, because I knew my family and the lord weren’t at my side

And I never knew why, some people are just born on this earth to be used and die

On the bright side I knew when I arrived in hell that Satan couldn’t hurt me if he tried

Suicide attempt after suicide attempt made my mind twist a bit, because even at ending my own life I was dog shit

I just wanted to quit, I didn’t care living or dead I just exist and the final straw broke when I found out that half the kids that hurt me was because my grandmother paid them for it

After a over a decade of abuse from almost everyone I knew, I ran away hopeful that I could live with you

Ya know in all of those years I prayed that you would be my rescue, that you would come through

I even tried to scare my bullies off using you, I’d say “when my sister comes, their won’t be anyone she can’t breakthrough” saying it out my bloody mouth as my eye was bloodshot red from being beaten black and blue

But you never showed, did you?

It took weeks of searching and help form police to find you

I knocked on your door hoping to be reunited in open arms, but when you answered you sounded a alarm

Called your boyfriend and told him that I was trespassing and harrasing you, did your head blow a gasket

He made me leave and all I could do is cry and weep

After all those years of your lies you still blame me

You didn’t say hi or that you were sorry, I couldn’t go back to my grandparents so i joined the army

When I passed all my medical test I thought that maybe for once I’ll have a ok year

I even got my job field of being a engineer, but what I didn’t hear is that they pick the specific job, I thought I’d spend my time in the army grinding gears

But no I spent my years trying to diffuse bombs as bullets appeared, with the slightest mistake and I wouldn’t be here

So many counties seeing the worst in every human being, as you were at home worrying about premature creation of offspring

After a few years I got charged for doing the right thing, I was charged for murder when I killed terrorist?!?

Something that is celebrated by a lot of other veterans, because I was “cruel” to the very people that kill innocents is breaking the rules

I was dishonorably discharged, no pay, no benefits

Let’s not forget the negative papers to tell any future employers that I’m mentally deficient

After all this time a few days ago you decided to show up at my house with your spouse

We tried to catch up after all this time but you acted like your memory was hazzy, and you did apologize even though it was rehearsed and lazy

But what your husband said made me go crazy

Saying that he hated that I was in the army because he has “morals”

And that even though I’ve been in combat I should be able to act normal

I may have done a lot in the military, but it opened my eyes to a world I wasn't supposed to see

Made me happy that I didn't know you

But seeing you at that table made it suck cuz you didn’t give a fuck

Still after all of these years, you still hide behind your mistakes

I tried to be passive

But your husbands mouth was massive

I don’t care you love him more than me, he had to get his ass kicked

I just thought I get this off my chest, I have to type it on tumblr because I know when it comes to ignoring my calls you try your best

You will always keep lying sis

About you being a faggot, bitch

You couldn’t even look me in the eyes to talk sis

And after all of this I could still forgive you if you talk sincerely sis

But now if I ever got the chance to ask you sis

And call you

I hope you answer

I really hope you answer

When I call

I hope you pick up your phone

I want to talk to you

Please answer

[and-i-uh]

Quick Update on myself! Since i suddenly remembered i can actually post on tumblr skjsjsjsjs

Im not sure all that ive shared over the past six months (a lot has happened) so ill just share a general overview for my followers who care (not saying that in a bad way i just know some ppl prefer typical content over life updates).

Ive chosen the name Lionell (lion-ell), im unsure whether im keeping my middle name or last name but if i change them itll be Lionell Tobias and my current middle name will be my last name. I still go by Leo as a nickname

Im dating the person i had a crush on over the summer! We're pretty fricken happy

I came out to my family! At least my mom and sis, and my dad and stepmom, and they accept me! Prior to that i also came out to my hs friends and they accept me as well :)

Also ive been fluid over many genders, im currently in gender limbo rn tho.

My current pronouns are she/mint/they, im too lazy/forget to change them on tumblr so oops.

Honestly lmao my gender has been so all over the place please help /j

My grandfather passed away (you can say sorry but im not sad lmao)

We have a new cat! Her name is merry, bc we got her the same day my grandpa passed. Which was the monday before Christmas.

I ordered a binder, didnt fit, battled with the gc2b website and paypal and giftcards, lost that battle (no fault to anyone rly), and ended up ordering the red half-binder yesterday.

Getting a covid vaccine on Saturday, also last chapter of rwby vol 8 is then too, sad to wait a million years for the next volume

Uhhhhh fell out of talking with my dad and stepmom over an email. Im trying to patch that up but theres been no response

Got into a few discord feuds. I hate inter-community gatekeeping but okay.

Im growing out my hair again! Its about shoulder length now, whereas the summer it was very chopped

I dropped out of college! It was stressing me out way too much and I technically didnt even start, considering i skipped all my classes from october on bc of ✨assorted anxiety disorders✨

Found out i have a lazy eye and that was why ive been seeing double vision for many moons. And now i have fancy prism glasses. Yall i can walk through walmart without getting disoriented.

Discovered a new crush on top of my others. Unsure how that one will go.

Uhhhhhhhhh i think thats it! I may or may not post specific updates on these, idk tbh. If you want to know more about one you can totally send an ask in! I find it really hard to keep up with regular posts on any social media and tumblr is no different, despite how much i want to. But send in an ask and ill respond!

[ao3feed-stucky]

by AndieFlare

They should've been using protection then - Matt thinks as he looks down at the small eight-year-old child that is apparently his son that Elektra never told him about because - fuck that - fuck that shit. Why didn't he use protection? But - he can't go back now. He was a father - and - he just - didn't know how to dad? His dad died before he reached forty and Matt - Matt breathed as he held his son - his son - someone with his abilities and Stick - he was so glad Stick was dead.

Matt wished it had been him and not Midland Circle collapsing that did it to the old fucker. Fuck this shit - and Wade - Wade is just being Wade -which is okay. And Foggy - if Foggy hand't been so accepting - Matt didn't know if he could do this own his own. Because for once in his life, Matt Murdock actually asks for help.

His son - Elektra named him Jack. And well, isn't that something.

Words: 2390, Chapters: 2/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Daredevil (TV), Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, X-Men - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death

Characters: Jonathan Jack Murdock (mentioned), Stick (Marvel), Margaret Murdock, May Parker (Spider-Man), Avengers Team (MCU), Foggy Nelson, Frank Castle, Elektra Natchios (mentioned), The Hand (Marvel), Happy Hogan, Pretty much everyone is here, Logan (X-Men)

Relationships: past Matt Murdock/Elektra Natchitos, Past Vanessa Carlysle/Wade Wilson, Matt Murdock & Peter Parker & Wade Wilson, Matt Murdock & Franklin "Foggy" Nelson, Frank Castle & Matt Murdock, Matt Murdock & Claire Temple, Miles Morales & Matt Murdock & Peter Parker & Wade Wilson, Matt Murdock & Peter Parker & Tony Stark & Wade Wilson, Original Child Characters & Matt Murdock, Matt Murdock & Avengers Team, Matt Murdock & Defenders, Matt Murdock & Jessica Jones, Matt Murdock/Foggy Nelson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Logan & Wade Wilson, Frank Castle & David "Micro" Lieberman, Logan (X-Men)/Scott Summers

Additional Tags: Not Spider-Man: Homecoming Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Not Season/Series 02 Compliant, Between Seasons/Series, Defenders sort of happened but it's in an Alternate Timeline, Mix of Universes, Miles Morales is yet to be spiderman, BAMF Peter Parker, Big Brother Peter Parker, Child Abuse, Stick's abuse towards matt, Matt Murdock Needs a Hug, Everyone Needs A Hug, Human Disaster Matt Murdock, Hurt Matt Murdock, Parent Matt Murdock, Foggy Nelson Is a Good Bro, Bisexual Foggy Nelson, Elektra was not a good girlfriend, Matt deserved better, Suicidal Thoughts, Depression, Social Anxiety, selective mutisim, Canon Disabled Character, Parenting with a Disability, references to suicidal thoughts, Families of Choice, Loss of Faith, Matt is going through a LOT, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Service Animals, Therapy, Drinking to Cope, Matt is such an emotionally constipated idiot, but we love him, and he deserves nice things, Jack - his son is such a sweetheart and he's only eight, small bby, everyone will literally kill for him, even Peter, and thats saying a lot, Coming of Age, Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia, Jack may or may not have Autism i haven't decided or not, Feedback appreciated

[ao3feed-daredevil]

Knocking on Devils Door

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/3f6IRiw

by AndieFlare

They should've been using protection then - Matt thinks as he looks down at the small eight-year-old child that is apparently his son that Elektra never told him about because - fuck that - fuck that shit. Why didn't he use protection? But - he can't go back now. He was a father - and - he just - didn't know how to dad? His dad died before he reached forty and Matt - Matt breathed as he held his son - his son - someone with his abilities and Stick - he was so glad Stick was dead.

Matt wished it had been him and not Midland Circle collapsing that did it to the old fucker. Fuck this shit - and Wade - Wade is just being Wade -which is okay. And Foggy - if Foggy hand't been so accepting - Matt didn't know if he could do this own his own. Because for once in his life, Matt Murdock actually asks for help.

His son - Elektra named him Jack. And well, isn't that something.

Words: 1091, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Daredevil (TV), Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, X-Men - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death

Characters: Jonathan Jack Murdock (mentioned), Stick (Marvel), Margaret Murdock, May Parker (Spider-Man), Avengers Team (MCU), Foggy Nelson, Frank Castle, Elektra Natchios (mentioned), The Hand (Marvel), Happy Hogan, Pretty much everyone is here, Logan (X-Men)

Relationships: past Matt Murdock/Elektra Natchitos, Past Vanessa Carlysle/Wade Wilson, Matt Murdock & Peter Parker & Wade Wilson, Matt Murdock & Franklin "Foggy" Nelson, Frank Castle & Matt Murdock, Matt Murdock & Claire Temple, Miles Morales & Matt Murdock & Peter Parker & Wade Wilson, Matt Murdock & Peter Parker & Tony Stark & Wade Wilson, Original Child Characters & Matt Murdock, Matt Murdock & Avengers Team, Matt Murdock & Defenders, Matt Murdock & Jessica Jones, Matt Murdock/Foggy Nelson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Logan & Wade Wilson, Frank Castle & David "Micro" Lieberman, Logan (X-Men)/Scott Summers

Additional Tags: Not Spider-Man: Homecoming Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Not Season/Series 02 Compliant, Between Seasons/Series, Defenders sort of happened but it's in an Alternate Timeline, Mix of Universes, Miles Morales is yet to be spiderman, BAMF Peter Parker, Big Brother Peter Parker, Child Abuse, Stick's abuse towards matt, Matt Murdock Needs a Hug, Everyone Needs A Hug, Human Disaster Matt Murdock, Hurt Matt Murdock, Parent Matt Murdock, Foggy Nelson Is a Good Bro, Bisexual Foggy Nelson, Elektra was not a good girlfriend, Matt deserved better, Suicidal Thoughts, Depression, Social Anxiety, selective mutisim, Canon Disabled Character, Parenting with a Disability, references to suicidal thoughts, Families of Choice, Loss of Faith, Matt is going through a LOT, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Service Animals, Therapy, Drinking to Cope, Matt is such an emotionally constipated idiot, but we love him, and he deserves nice things, Jack - his son is such a sweetheart and he's only eight, small bby, everyone will literally kill for him, even Peter, and thats saying a lot, Coming of Age, Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia, Jack may or may not have Autism i haven't decided or not, Feedback appreciated

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/3f6IRiw

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

[system-of-a-feather]

Early Therapy Story Time with Riku

So I was telling my friend a bit about a kind of funny story of what our first few months / year in therapy was like when our therapist was specialized in Autism and Aspergers with little training with trauma / dissociation. It is just kind of a sit down kind of story so if you wanna read some of our experiences and get a laugh or take whatever lesson from our experience you like, feel free to read below the “keep reading”

-Riku (Host)

Back when we first entered therapy I think in like 2016, I wasn’t host (at best maybe co-host but I primarily was only active to be online and occasionally in our high school band) but instead a now-dormant alter we call TA was “host”. I put “ “ around that because while she was technically host, she switched out a lot and there was little organization in our system due to other issues in the past causing dissociative barriers to be higher than ever and making communication hard for most parts besides Lucille and myself. (which back then we were in active denial about DID and having alters so I just thought of him as my ‘smart brain’)

Originally, our family was extremely against therapy as it was a waste of money and “stupid”, but between a mental health related hospitalization of my middle sister, Lucille and I were able to put a plan to use our parent’s love for looking like the perfect parents against them as to get them to let us “get therapy for 13 weeks for Trichotillomania” and then continue using their desire to look like the perfect parents to keep us in therapy. It wasn’t necessarily the most moral way, but at the point we were at in our mental health, we needed it.

At the time, TA was really not handling our life well, was majorly depressed on a daily basis, and loathed existing to dangerous levels. From what I hear from Lucille and the bits I saw from the headspace, she often compared herself to her “online personality that could do everything where she couldn’t even socialize if her life depended on it”. Aderis, at the time, was a very jaded individual who expected for us to k*** ourselves by the time we were 18 and was behaving recklessly and as a persecutor more than a protector. I was going through abuse through a number of toxic co-dependent friendships and was slowly getting majorly depressed and stressed over how I was living. Lucille was the only active fronter that was able to function remotely well at the time, so he pulled me aside to help get us into therapy since I cared about mental health.

Anyways we ended up with a therapist that specialized in autism and aspergers because we had to hide our intentions with the three diagnoses we had before being aspergers (which my mom said we were said to have at a young age but later took it back??), trichotillomania, and generalized anxiety disorder.

Pretty quickly our therapist picked up that TA dissociated a lot and quickly came across how much she hated her existence and hated that our real life was so shit compared to our online life. Like when asked about what exactly she hated about her life / self she often rambled about how useless she was in comparrison to the life I lead online and how she felt she should just give up on life and live online since it made us happier and was better and so on.

My therapist - untrained in trauma and dissociation - did pick up on the symptom of dissociation and (in hindsight) I realize he probably went ‘shit this is larger than i thought’ and did comment “The differentiation you have between your online self and irl self sounds almost like DID but I dont know if that applies if it is online and offline self since people tend to have similar” and we vaguely addressed handling as if it was DID.

My therapist then commented on how it would be best to try to “integrate” the online and offline self, which is kind of a decent step in thought and theory for our situation, but considering he was unexperienced and handling it - it didn’t quite work that way. In therapy we then began to work towards making the online world and real life world meet which did actually get me back to being involved in our real life as Lucille had me pick people I knew irl that I thought I would be comfortable interacting with online. I picked three people and invited them to a party and only one of them stuck, that person being my current fiance.

From there a lot of work was about trying to bring her “online personality” more into the real world so that she could have the skills she developed online and what not, and essentially that didn’t really work in terms of integration as much as it really just forced me to be involved more. Since I was talking to our fiance online, I had to front more to talk to him in person since TA would get uncomfortable pretty quickly around others and she struggled to trust / get comfrotable around him.

Slowly things generally started to involve me in the real world a lot and at some point TA kind of just decided she was done existing and done fronting and dealing with life and kind of went into a slumber which has lasted the past 3 years. When that happened the system just kinda all turned to me and told me life was now my responsibility as both the most socially adjusted alter, the most passing alter, the alter that was most actively involved in our real life on a personal level and everything.

But like... I guess I didn’t tell this in such a funny manner, but like our original therapist didn’t diagnose us with DID - he wasn’t qualified to nor did he think it was ACTUALLY DID - and kind of worked with it as a weird normal level of dissociation and worked with it kind of like an exaggerated description of sorts. I don’t think for a moment he actually thought of us as separate.

I really just kind of find it funny in hindsight how much effort was put into bringing the “online personality” and integrating it and kinda how it both failed and succeeded in the long run.

It is also kind of why a non-specialist shouldn’t try to work with DID, but also to show I guess that working with a non-specialist can be helpful? Since in the end, what my first therapist did was enable and promote a host switch to the most effective potential host and that did our life a large boost considering TA would likely have been unable to maintain a relationship, manage college, or stick to therapy as full heartedly as I.

With that being said, it did put her in a deep dormancy that the entire system has been trying to preserve until we are in a safe enough life / stable enough situation and all that no matter what damage her waking up and coming out of dormancy might cause that we are 100% certain we can handle it well.

But thats just a bit of our story / night time tale of our early therapy days XD Felt like sharing the story so I hope you enjoyed. Any comments or questions regarding this is fully welcome.

[mirror-hero-mira-blog]

My Story

This will be mildly depressing but its my story and why i am how i am and all ive gone through it twenty short years

So I will be twenty soon and people keep wondering and asking or praising me for surviving trauma. I’ve decided to explain in full and un censored detail my process, what i went through, my thoughts during it, the effects and how it left me. There are mentions of abuse, sexual assault, depression, domestic violence, suicide, and very dark thoughts so be warned. My memory is also unreliable as i am never sure what is real and what is not before the age of thirteen so im doing my best to recall everything in order, ages wont be exact as i try to repress and just out right can recall them.

My trauma started roughly when i was 7-9. I recall laying in bed and hearing my parents violently shout at one another, about what i cant recall, and crying because i was afraid of an unknown danger. I remember a rift being made in my house, me being lashed out at, and my mother rarely being around the house. Now before i go further i was a shy child who had little friends, i have one younger brother who is two years younger than I, most of my days, or what i can recall, was in my room reading and later playing on my ds once i got one while rarely going outside to play aka catching frogs and bugs. i dont recall much from when it started, i was a smart kid so i think i knew something was wrong but wasnt emotionally or mentally ready to deal with it. 

Now, i was a big daddys girl but i also loved my mom dearly because well shes my mom. One of my clearest memories from this when i realized it wasnt right was my mom showing up to the house and me being so excited since i hadnt seen her in so long i let her in, she hugged me and my father instantly yelled at me and scolded me. i think the next thing was me being sent to my room but thats where it ends. i remember feeling so confused because shes my mom why cant she be home? why shouldnt she be allowed inside? why cant i be happy to see her? thats the last clear memory besides us getting kicked out of that house due to rent not getting paid.

I remember my mom trying to keep calm and smile and she told me “we have to keep stuff packed because we will be moving soon and need to be organized”. Looking back im really happy she tried to keep little me happy and from knowing.She may not have been the best mom but she certainly loved me then as well as my brother. When we were kicked out i recall my dad not being as in a rush as my mom, he seemed tired and to say flat out like he couldnt care less. I was packed up with a few of my things, the rest in a storage unit including my entire child hood, and moved to a different state. 

Me, my family and our dog were moved in with my mothers mom who was by far not the best but i couldnt do much as i was maybe 11-13? I remember her blaming my father for things he didnt do, i remember yelling and violent arguing between my father and my moms boyfriend (my mother and father had separated if you couldnt guess), my mom in the middle yelling at them to not do it infront of the kids. Eventually we moved from there after my grandmother had called the police on them for some reason (i recall it just being a warning or something nothing serious). My mom had broken up with her boyfriend and moved with us, i shared a room with her and my brother shared a room with my father, at this point we had our original dog and 3 dog sisters who we loved dearly (we being me, my mom, and brother). i remember starting to feel what i would come to realize was the beginning of my depression as well as my anxiety, that i had since i was little, beginning to get much worse. I was bullied harshly during this time and barely got by in most of my glasses because of what happened in that house.

i dont know how long i lived in that house but it wasnt incredibly long, 2 years maybe? i know it was half of middle school there with a year or so at my grandmothers. The first little while was calm, i hardly remember much from when we moved in so im assuming it was. I recall playing wii with my mom and watching tv siting of the floor eating pizza, followed by me and my brother playing the wii version of sims ( i recall him learning how to beat the rng and us never playing again). My next clearest memory is more yelling and banging. Violence. Now i wasnt a stupid kid and was much more brazen than i am now, i was a child genius who could quickly deduce what was wrong. I would get into the arguments, stand between my mom and dad to keep him from hitting her, yell that i wouldnt move or let him touch her. yell at him so much my throat hurt. One of my most clear memories is my mom yelling at me to call the police and as i dialed she came in and locked the door telling me to just not. i checked if she was okay and recall hugging her and just siting there afraid not fully being able to understand.

At some point my dad had enough of me and my mom and threw us out of the house, throwing our things as we sat on the bed of her truck, even throwing our two of the 3 dog sisters at us while we waited for the police, now what happened after this makes me realize just how manipulated and emotionally abused i was. My dad convinced me to come home, leaving my mom at my grandmothers. he convinced me my mom was evil and manipulated me using the state i was in to take me from my mom. he talked badly about my mom constantly and eventually his girlfriend moved in. his girlfriend was as bad as him and i recall feeling unwanted. i have a scar on my arm that makes me recall how brazen and unafraid i was at times. The scar was breaking up a fight her dog had started, it attacked my dog sister and she told me to stay out of it as my dog probably started it, i got in the middle picked up her dog, it scratching me deeply across my upper arm and shoved it into her chest. i picked up my dog and took her to my room. i was still bullied during this time, faced the manipulation at home, and started becoming suicidal.

Now this next part is something im not proud of but shows just how far i was into this manipulation and how far i came. My father kid napped me. Him and his girlfriend decided they wanted to move back to her two daughters and away from my mom. my brother was apprehensive but i was a mindless puppet so i did as told as thats what i was raised to do. we packed up in a 48 hour period, me not sleeping for that entire period and were getting ready to leave. i had this large white monkey i had since i was little, it towered over me and i loved it, his name was marvin. i mentioned why we werent bringing him and that we had to because he was our family and even got a bit teary eyed over it my dad said “if you want it that bad we can leave you and dakota (my dog sister) and you can sit on your ass until your mom swings her ass around to get you”, that terrified me so i reluctantly agreed and was taken to a completely different state yet again with the question of “why would he leave me”. i recall not enjoying my time there and my father limiting my mom talking to me so much i dont really recall much more that a phone call, i was kept out of school for a while until one day police came and told them my mom was taking us back. i left with barely any of my childhood possessions yet again with my dad treating it as her taking us by force, i said goodbye to my dogs and promised i would see them again, i never did and never will.

the trip back i screamed, argued and fought my mom and not yet step father. my dad manipulated me well i guess. i calmed down when we got back to my now home state and got the last dog sister ginny, my mom asked my grandmother to watch her, and headed to my moms home. i had trouble suddenly adapting to a some what better environment where i wasnt treated like a mindless child. i was so damaged and i dont think they knew to the extent. 

In these years i was verbally abused by my mom, step father, and brother but they were so much better than my dad despite it. i was reaching my peak depression and had attempted to commit suicide by this point but had failed. at some point i recall them “cleaning” my room, as due to losing nearly everything i owned i clung to things, and burning what they deemed trash it made me have a break down because well just look at what had happened previously to things i owned. in that period i was locked out in the cold, verbally and emotionally abused, treated like i was a piece of shit and that i was worthless and i believed that for so long. my brother had hit me a few times and even started encouraging my suicidal mind set, my parents (which will not be my mother and step father) said it was just him being my brother. Due to my previous trauma i was desperate for friends and to be liked and it have social interactions it led me into some very very toxic friendships and relationships. i had someone who stole my phone and said she just wanted to see what my number was, but had texted my mother iw as stay for a study session when i wasnt. i got home and was brutally yelled at for lying and they yelled the entire time while forcing me to give them all my passwords then calling me out for lying when i gave them the wrong email password by mistake. in the following time period they would check everything i owned, i had to privacy or sense of self. even to this day i hate people touching and looking at my stuff, im still so paranoid ill get in trouble for something. during this time is also when i was first sexually assaulted.

Yes that said first as it happened twice. they both abused my prior trauma that made me a selective mute that disassociates when in stressful situations. i wont go in depth but even years later i couldnt be in the same room with the first without being sick to my stomach. the second was into my junior year of highschool. between that time and the first i was emotionally manipulated, attempted suicide again and failed, became even more depressed and suicidal, and developed more toxic friendships that i now realize only hurt me as they playfully bullied me and only one of that group, who never did, remains my friend or well my best friend as she stayed by me despite not knowing any of my past. i was manipulated into entering a long distance fwb relationship that ruined a good friendship but also helped make me more stubborn towards people who tried to do that. the verbal abuse still happened during this time and my brother got to the point of doing it the worse. my junior sexual assault ended with us breaking up mutually but him getting such a hate towards me that he tried to ruin my life by turning any “friend” against me and brutally harassing me until a girl i respect so much stood up for me, shes getting married and im excited for her and happy i met her despite us not talking. half way through my junior year i began to realize how bad the people i was around most of the time were for me, so i stopped hangin out with them and started selectively being around people who engaged me in conversation and who actually included me. i was still struggling through the tail end of my suicidal spell and my awful depression as well as  ptsd, having nightly flashbacks that often left my crying and having break downs where i just hated myself so much and hated that i couldnt be normal and happy and not annoy my friends with this shit, it caused me to never talk about it and it made it so worse going through it all alone with only my fucked mental state.

my senior year i gained some self confidence and started accepting myself. midway through i had a bad relapse and nearly succeed in killing myself but managed to yell at myself to not as i was holding a handful of pills to my mouth, not even an inch from it. that was my last attempt. 

i struggled still, had relapses, fought with my own head without anyone knowing as it told me they didnt care and i was a burden so i should deal with it by myself as no one deserved that. i hated when who i told felt so bad for me and wished it hadnt happened because it happened and i cant change that no one can and i dont like being seen as sorry and weak. 

over the years until now i tried endlessly and hard to build my self back up and gain some sense of self and try to begin my recovery.

i still relapse, i still think about killing myself, i still have massive anxiety and panic attacks. but im alive and i survived. 

I count the days between relapses, it happens left often. Im covered in scars but no one can see the ones i purposefully caused anymore. I hurt and ach and want to be cared for and want to be loved and have people around me who care for me and who value me. Im working on building myself a supportive circle of friends and trying to become as stable as i can be with what i have.

My family says i dont need therapy and refuse to try to help me get it so when i move out its my first priority, i have ever lasting mental scars from my trauma that wont ever go away but im slowly learning to live with it and becoming proud of who i am.

something i forgot to mention is yes i was hit as a child. to this day i freak out and panic and will throw myself to the ground if it appears someone is about to hit me. i cant hand yelling or loud noises, im afraid of people and crowds, i have trust issues, i speech impediment, things i cant do because of the scars of my trauma.

now you may be asking how im alive? why i still keep living? how i got through this alone? honestly i cant answer the last one because i dont even know, but the first two i can roughly explain.

i didnt ever kill my self because right before i would i developed a concept of proving people wrong, that i belonged in this world as i had already survived nearly dying at 5 due to an allergic reaction. then as i got older i made the deal that if i made it to 18 that would be enough, im turning 20 soon. Now a days i have people and things to live for. When i think of killing my self i think of my friends L and M (not real names of course), i think of my dogs, my guinea pigs, my dreams, my goals, all the things i want to do. Ive become a role model to others now so i cant just die on them and give up on them. I cant help people and help others going through what i did, i cant be there for the people i care about to ensure they live and make it too, i cant be there to give them what i didnt have; someone who cared and loves them.

ive felt unloved my entire life and it hurts knowing the people who are supposed to love you apparently dont if they do what they do. it hurts seeing people going through what i went through because i know how much that hurts and how over bearing it can be. My trauma made me not want to make the same choices and hurt others in the way they ones who hurt me did. It made me not want to bring life into this world unless i was sure i wouldnt make the same mistakes. It made me crave to be loved and have people by my side and it gave me a weird but reasonable goal: Live a life i can be truly happy and safe in, a life without fear. 

i still struggle daily but im getting by and im getting there, im trying to become someone who i can be proud of, someone who can and will make a difference even if its saving one person.

i fight every day to live and have been for a while, hell i cried on my 18th birthday because well i didnt think i would last that long or be alive to see it.

Im alive, and i will continue to be to show others facing and feeling what i have felt that you can do it. you can live and thrive and fight for your life and end up better than you are or were and better than those who hurt you. Ill stay alive to act as a pair of open arms to those who are in my place, to give them someone who cares, to teach them they dont have to do it alone or hate themselves for wanting to depend on others. 

Im here because i feel i need to be to break the cycle and prove i deserve to live as do they and as do you.

[mindbodycloset]

welcome to the inside of my interesting mind

So. Hi. It’s your girl here, Whitney. i am sorta ready to bare a bit of my stories and soul online like a teenager. I was truly more so inspired to start blogging on here after part taking in reading again, I ordered “ OMG THATS ME! : bipolar disorder, depression , anxiety, panic attacks , and more “ by Dave Mowry . He was blogging I guess before publishing his books. I recommend it, even though I’m on chapter 2.

I’m soon-to-be 24, decent-looking with a nose piercing, tattoos, and fake copper colored hair with a pretty cool boyfriend and very supportive lesbian best friend. my life really ain’t all that bad. I have an on / off close relationship with my mother but mainly closest with my grandmother ( family wise ). Mainly my “ go to “ will always be my boyfriend and best friend because they are pretty much all ive got for the most part . so let’s just say my life aint sunshines and rainbows but it could be much more worse .

Periods of time my mind goes through highs and lows like roller-coaster. Before all else, I must warn you, there is profanity, strong views and long vents afoot. If you struggle with any sort of depressive trigger, please, for the love of God, do not read.

Anyway. As I was saying. The Episodes are certain times of certain days my mind likes to take a stroll down Manic Lane and turn left into Depressive Drive. I have a rare form of Bipolar , it's called Schizoaffective disorder which is a mental health disorder. Schizoaffective disorder is a mental health condition that includes features of both schizophrenia and a mood disorder such as bipolar disorder or depression. The prefix "schizo-" refers to the psychotic symptoms of schizophrenia that affect a person's thinking, sense of self, and perceptions. The term "-affective" refers to extreme shifts in mood, energy, and behavior.

I still feel pretty fucking crazy. I also have many different types of phobias but I’ll talk about that another point in time. So far I’m on two types of medication:

1. Aripiprazole 2. Sertraline

1. Aripiprazole:

It can treat schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, and Tourette syndrome. It can also treat irritability associated with autism.

2. Sertraline:

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI)

Now, this bad boy is an SSRI. ‘What is an SSRI?’ you might ask. Well, in medical language, it’s a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. In normal English, it boosts the serotonin production in your brain to help you feel a little less depressed over your life. It can treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), social anxiety disorder, and panic disorder. I currently take two of the same medicine but two different MG. I take a 50 mg & 75 mg to make it a total of 125 mg

Now, being on all of these, it’s a mystery how I can still feel like absolutely miserable over the littlest thing. I mean, I’ve got three little “happy pills” to try and keep my mentality stable enough so I can get through working at a day care school and trying to exist without killing anyone or myself.

Too crude?

Anyway, it sucks having to live with a constant reminder that you can snap at anyone, anytime, anywhere with just a normal, mundane but wrong word or action. But it’s even worse if that anyone is mostly the people who care about you. My boyfriend, persisting in a relationship with a girl that has her PMS on high the whole fucking month. It’s difficult to control and a pain in the ass to fix the consequences of. One thing about mental disorders - you can’t blame it all on the mental disorder. This is one thing certain people are fond of doing.

Not me.

I hold myself and my lack of control of my emotions accountable. This is exactly why I can apologize if I had been unreasonable, and it’s unfortunately become a bit of a habit.

“Sorry, I wasn’t able to reign in my anger. I’ll do better next time.”

My boyfriend - let’s call him Jay for now - being the trooper that he is, he really tries and reassures me that he understands when I have one of those days but at the same time it’s hard because he will down and insult me since he gets easily frustrated once not knowing how to handle a situation.

I also have my one close best friend I practically look at as my sister - Bee , who all accept me for who I am and have made it through plenty of battles by my side. We are so much alike we share everything. I don’t just mean clothes but actually everything. Matching tattoos, attitudes , matching disorders ( we are BOTH bipolar! Well not really. Just emotionally unstable ) . She’s actually borderline personality disorder . But even so we both have shared one ex boyfriend , again almost everything . She’s the Devil to my Angel. My one call and FaceTime away, literally we are always up each other’s ass . She’ll call just to tell me if her poop is a different color. We’ve kissed once for lgbt pride and and seen each other practically naked. This girl is my whole other half, knows me better then my own self sometimes.

All in all, this doesn’t summarize what my life is like - you’ll get a taste of every time I feel the need to take a metaphorical dump from eating everybody’s shit the whole day. Stay tuned!

[tumblunni]

Reading the kingdom hearts manga, woo! I saw some of this when I was like 15 or something, but this is my first time reading the whole thing in actual order. Here’s just a few good bits from the beginning so far!

I’ve gotta say that even though this series has a (REALLY BIG) problem with rushing stuff + cutting out most of the disney worlds, there’s also a lot to love!

I think it actually managed to make the beginning way more dramatic just from how everyone is..well.. drawn more disney. Or more manga..disney?? Like its not the same style as how humans are atcually drawn in disney cartoons but you’ve gotta agree that the people are more cartoony and expressionate here and it looks less out of place. Same for how the manga adds lots more humour even while keeping things tense and dramatic! it helps establish people’s personalities a lot quicker than the game does, and honestly GIVES perosnality to Sora who otherwise doesnt have anything except ‘is really nice and good’. Here he’s more socially awkward and hyperactive and like.. endearing cos he tries his best but doesnt always succeed.

And the clear facial expressions for all of these moments leave it feeling less flat and like.. hard to tell what the damn intent of the scene was. Seirously the only way I agree KH1 was ‘a kids game’ is how the attempts at ‘humour’ were really low effort. Like you can tell its supposed to be a joke from how the scene plays out but you really cant tell what the joke was actually supposed to be. Like the sort of “knock knock” “who’s there?” “i’m here!” jokes that kids make when they’re five. And ruining actual jokes by delivering them in the same stilted way, like the whole “the ship runs on smiles” scene could have been funny but it just plays out so weirdly devoid of all sense of comic timing?? And sora’s funny face is barely exaggerated cos they couldnt model it!

It sucks cos that scene was a great example of the ‘very wacky but also extra emotionally resonant’ kind of thing that this manga excels at! The context of that weird joke was that its the first time we see Sora completely devoid of all optimism, beating Traverse Town really is the finishing point of the very long tutorial, and the moment it all sinks in that his friends are gone and he doesnt know what to do. And for a guy who’se ENTIRE PERSONALITY so far has just been ‘nice, optimistic, and you the player can project whatever else you want on him’, it should have been a wham moment to see him fall down in exhaustion after all that and have a realistic human reaction to it all. And then it should have been really uplifting and established their immediate friendship when Goofy and Donald try their best to cheer him up, but like.. theyre fuckin stressed too so they dont know wtf they’re doing either. And Sora ends up actually laughing because his attempt to fake a smile is so god awful, and then they all fall about in one of those so-damn-stressed-that-everything-is-hilarious giggle fits, and Leon looks at them like they’re crazy. But it served its purpose of helping Sora feel optimistic again, not because it was actually funny but because it proves these guys care about him and he isn’t alone.

AKA EXACTLY THE TIDUS LAUGH SCENE IN FINAL FANTASY 10

i get so mad that it’s falsely blamed as a case of ‘bad dub voice acting’, when it was equally bad in japanese and the director fuckin PLANNED it to be bad! The characters in-universe end the damn scene by aknowledging its bad! Its just a fail of scriptwriting that they didnt make the intent of the moment clear before dropping the punchline, and it was animated so weirdly that it didnt really succeed at looking ‘intentionally bad’ but just.. bad. Exactly the same problem as the ‘ship of smiles’ face, for a scene that was supposed to deliver the same sad goddamn moment and instead went down in infamy!

Sneaking character development into a joke is a thing that requires a lot of actual skill, you shouldnt do it unless you’re gonna put the effort in to stick the landing. Steven Universe is the only show I’ve seen that consistantly succeeds at this, and the KH manga does a much better job than the game did. Even if, yes, admittedly, sometimes it flubs up and sticks jokes where they dont work, and actually ruins dramatic moments too. or just doesnt adapt dramatic moments at all and rushes through it cos they’re on a tight schedule. But I mean none of those moments fail as bad as the game’s occasional cringe, and the wacky style fits SO much better with the story that i can forgive those flaws! Plus they got way better as the series goes on, its only really KH1 that seems this rushed. And they actually added MORE dramatic moments to Days! I stopped reading the manga at the end of KH1 as a kid, and I started this whole rereading because I saw a page of Days where they (OH GODDD) turned one particular perosn’s death into legit traumatizing material. I don’t know why “I don't want to go” is such a simple way to burn your entire soul out. So if it started off good but flawed and turned into something even better than the games, HECK YEAH I’m gonna give it a second chance!

...sorry i went wildly offtopic there

Anyway I picked these pages to show cos its a good example of great jokes, how the jokes give more personality, and how they put more effort into personality in general and also the dark and dramatic stuff, which hits harder because its in such a fluffy adorable jokes manga.

Like you can see how Sora is more of a goofball and freaks out more and makes mistakes more, but also how when the fights arent playable they used it as a place to establish that Sora is actually way more intelligent than you thought, and his fighting style is physically weak but strategically skilled. Like he’s basically what Aqua ended up being?? And that’s way more endearing as a protagonist than just super overpowered destiny man where his only failures are because you the player are bad. Anf its also endearing to mix this genius strategist with a guy who’s EVEN MORE goofy oblivious and innocent, yknow? the genius ditz archetype! And also his cliche shonen hero obliviousness is.. well, less cliche. He reacts more like a real kid who’s just scared and out of his depth, and messes up when he tries to talk to the girl he has a crush on. It’s not like “harr dee harr, what is marriage, can you eat it?” unrealistic kinds of oblivious that only exist for the joke. Nah, relateable anxiety man! With goofier faces! I CANNOT OVERSTATE HOW MUCH I PREFER THE GOOFIER FACES

And man the beginning is so more fuckin dramatic when we get all DIFFERENT CAMERA ANGLES and ACTUAL FACES SHOWING DESPAIR and DARKNESS POSSESSED RIKU LOOKIN REALLY FUCKIN SCARY and it fuckin goes so fast from wholesome jokes with ur crush to ABSOLUTE DEATH and cos sora reacts so much more like a normal lil kid you feel actually scared for him even though you know how the story is gonna go. He’s not an archetype of purity he’s just like any lil neighbourhood duderino that you’d see running errands for his mom on the weekend. HE’S TOO YOUNG FOR ALL THIS PRESSURE!! AND SCARY RIKU FACES!!!

And man they fuckin ACTUALLY SHOW SOMEONE GETTING THEIR HEART RIPPED OUT ONSCREEN! Thats a way better way of establishing the whole crux of the plot! When you’re playing the game you know that seeing someone turn into a heartless should be traumatic, but it doesnt focus long on it and you never get to see any of the victims before they turned, and you’re more focused on gameplay. You feel less powerless when you’re physically able to destroy those things whenever you want, there’s never a moment like this where someone dies in a cutscene and its out of your control. (Unless you count some heroic sacrifice scenes in kh2 but thats an entirely different kind of feeling, and they turned out to come back from the dead anyway.) Also wtf i cant believe they got away with showing a creepy pedo lady in a kids shonen! I mean it does make me feel a lot less sympathy for her getting killed, but I still feel super sad seeing Sora get traumatized by it!

ALSO

Cid is good.

The way they write him in the manga reminds me of Bardo from Black Butler? He’s a similar chain smoking grumpy dad figure who looks like harmless comic releif but has a bunch of hidden heavy artillery in his shitty kitchen for when he needs to protect his family. And it was extra badass (and hilarious) when he once actually used his bad cooking to assassinate someone?? tho it was via causing a flour explosion rather than it just being so shitty its poison

ANYWAY IM GOING OFFTOPIC IN MANY WAYS

this mang is gud

also lookit how cute the baby destiny trio look in this style!!!

[cactigratitudelove]

Cacti, Gratitude, and Always Love.

As I write this I find myself filled with so many emotions that I can hardly figure out what I want to get out or what I want to say. Do I even want to say anything any more? Do I even feel anything matters anymore? When I created this page specifically to start a blog about my last year in Tucson, I created it with the intent of fulfilling out my AZ/Tucson Bucket list while also spreading the love I have for Tucson and its community. It was before my last few markets of the season, after I decided to get a newsletter going for my website and then before I left last week for my AZ camping trip to the Grand Canyon, Antelope Canyon, Horseshoe Bend, then solo dispersed camping in Flagstaff and Sedona. I figured I’d have this great time to finally get some nature, breathe, step back and figure out my next steps in Tucson before I leave to NYC next spring. 

My nine year old nephew passed away suddenly wednesday night. 

What was life like before this nightmare I find myself currently in?

Before all this, I was going through eight months of sobriety from Alcohol, trying to find spiritual guidance, dealing with financial issues, trying to adult as much as I could while also trying to find balance with family and friends. I realized I was being a hermit as well. I am not known for being a hermit. The Adela I know is social and doesn't let fear stop her. Fear of being financially stuck, fear of taking on work and then not get paid like I have experienced twice this year aleady, both by local companies in the community I really enjoyed and believed in. I noticed I was also supplementing food in place of binge drinking. I binge(d) on food, Netflix and somehow still kept doing the work towards goals knowing things would get better if only I was more focused on work and less on myself. Or maybe less on work and more on myself. I’ve done sobriety before, why is it so much harder this time around? I stopped going out. I decided to continue not dating since being back in Tucson from my Alaska summer. (This was more so that I can find balance within myself again). I found myself hustling like I do. Trying to create and get paid for it. Taking on as much as I could to pay the bills while also picking up shifts at the bar. It might seem like I have my shit together from the outside but on the inside I have no idea wtf I am doing. I’m just trying to learn as much as I can from other people that are doing what I want to do but I keep finding myself lost, stuck and then fear takes over. Tucson has been wonderful to me so I of course feel the guilt that if I leave, I leave my home, support system and friends. I’ll leave a place I am passionate about and yet if I don't leave I’ll never be able to financially support myself in the arts the way I want to. I keep thinking, “Someday, if I can just get enough regular clients, creative work and income to pay the bills, keep a roof over my head with clothes and to travel on a frugal budget to support my inspiration for the work I do then I will have made it.” This is what success would mean for me. No fancy cars, no condo or property, not even a love of my life by my side. I just want to be able to support myself and my dreams in the most minimal way without financial stress.  

These were all my concerns, fears, and selfish thoughts before I found myself here. 

On Monday May 21st, I and my family buried my nine year old nephew. The Wednesday before he had been playing, enjoying life until he no longer was and left this world in a way I can't help but hurt for him. I can't imagine what those last moments were like but I would hope that he knew that he was loved. Braxton was loved so much. Hearing the news while I was in Page, AZ I still couldn't grasp what had happened. I kept thinking that I would wake up. That I was still in my shitty sleep and life would be okay again. Life is not okay and it won't be. Not now anyway. On my trip back from Page, Thursday after I heard the news from his Tia who was at the hospital the night before, I kept thinking of ways I can do my part to help my family, the guilt I had for not seeing him as often as I wanted to, or even just sometimes brushed off and thought I’d just see him another time when I am not as busy. The last time I saw him was on his birthday in February. Its been killing me that it wasn't sooner. A seven-ish hour trip back home. A seven-ish hour trip of mindfuck, “If only I had a car to pick him up when I wanted. If I had stopped taking on too many things I could have seen him more. I should have been more patient with him. I should have been more present with him. I never got to take him out on a one on one outing that I wanted with him.  I didn’t get to say goodbye or that I loved him since his birthday. I should have...” Everything else went out the window. I needed to be there for my sister, my mom and the rest of this family and his. I needed to be strong. To put in the work where I was needed. And thats what I did. My back from the trip ‘To Do’ list went from emailing clients to emailing a best friend to proof read a child’s obituary. I created the Prayer card, obituary, and helped type up a eulogy for my sister, his Auntie to read. I helped pick out his flowers and clothes for the funeral. These tasks are unlike any other. 

The heartbreak, anxiety, sadness, loss is truly unlike any feelings I have ever felt in the 31 years of being on this earth. You expect death to happen but you don't expect it to happen to a child. Your own nephew, grandson, brother or son. God didn’t give us time to accept this. Didn’t give us time to process this. He was taken from us. Just like that. 

Mi familia is a big family. I have seven siblings. Five of them have kids. Four of their kids have kids. And that’s just within the immediate family. If there is one thing that god was showing us, is that this family is strong. This family is everything to one another. This family comes through when the time comes. This is the first our hearts have been broken in such a way. My sister’s son was like a son to all five sisters. We all had our love and stories to share. We all set our differences aside and showed all the support and love. My sister lost her son, we may never know that exact pain but we do know that we love her to the moon and back. She is everything to this family. We all are everything to this family and I saw that clearly this week.

Braxton’s support system is not only through immediate family (His Dad and  dad’s family is also just as loving and supportive) but also through the community. There’s a GoFundMe page created for his funeral starting at $9,000 and it raised over $11,000 and still going. I reached out to the community on FB and even found that my own friends and friends of friends in Tucson, Florida, California, etc gave what they could in support of this family. My best friends, co-workers and even the lady at Fed-Ex whom printed the obituary, cards and photos were all super supportive in ways I didn't know I or my family needed. And for this I find myself with more gratitude in life than I have ever thought I did. I am so grateful and appreciate every single text, comment, call, and hug. My love for the Tucson community and online community will always be great.

Throughout the most difficult time I have ever experienced, I didn’t drink. I wanted to be sober and present (although I felt zombie-like). At the service I mentioned to one of my sister’s, “This, right here is the moment I want a bottle of vodka. I big fucking bottle of vodka. No other time, just right now.” I had seen my nephew and said good bye. He was so cool and stylish with his cute outfit we picked out for him with the Avengers t-shirt showing through his dress shirt. I wanted him to wake. I wanted him to just be sleeping. I wanted him to call me the face painting lady again. I also wanted to drown this away with a bottle. I wanted to join others and partake in numbing the pain. But I knew that black outs weren't the only reason I become sober nine months prior. I wanted to be a better person for myself and for others. My best self for my family and friends. For my munchkins. I wanted my nieces and nephews to see their independent, hustling, Tia sober and some day go on adventures with. To be an example for them. To know and share the struggle for them so they wouldn't have too. To be a good example, a mentor, a supportive friend. The only way I can be those things is if I abstain from alcohol. 

My landlord sent me a text the morning of the funeral with a photo of a blooming Queen of the Night Cacti. Just one that bloomed in the night. With the photo the text read, “The Casita had a visitor last night... your nephew came by to tell you he is ok. I also saw a palomita underneath the flower...” My favorite cacti flower. It blooms at night and only lasts through the morning. I miss you Braxton. I miss you so much and love you, always.

This blog will be as I intended it to be but it will also not be the same as I thought it to be. I am not the same I thought I’d be driving back home to Tucson this week. I do not have the same heart I once did. My family, my sister, my ex-brother in-law, and nieces, sisters of Braxton will never be the same. The world, to me, will never be the same again. I hurt and I know I will need to get back to work and life because I am sure it carries on just the same but today, right now nothing matters to me except my thoughts of missing him and wishing I had more time.