#thats my worst nightmare. she ended up being under my bed but that was terrifying

[evermoredeancas]

this has been the most eventful vacation of my life

[imaginingmyloki]

So almost a year ago something really shitty happened. I needed to put the words down somewhere and this is literally the only place I am comfortable doing that. Warning before clicking below, if you are triggered by rape/sexual assault, please keep scrolling and do not read this. I do not want to upset anyone. I will be tagging it with trigger warnings as well but just in case, here is your heads up.

So I haven’t been sleeping through the night at all this week. The little amount of sleep I have been getting has been full of nightmares. On Sunday, it will be exactly a year since I went through the worst experience of my life. 

I went to visit a friend a few states away, took the train down(an 8 hour train ride) and when I got there and she picked me up, she informed me that there were people at her house for a bonfire and drinking games. I was a little irritated that I came all that way to spend time with my best friend and she decided to have a party, but I went with it anyways and we went back and pretty much immediately jumped in, taking shots, drinking beer and playing drinking games. a few hours later, one of the guys there and I had been talking all night, he seemed really nice. I looked around and realized that he and I were the only ones left outside at the fire. we had a few more beers and a shot or 2. I was completely plastered. I only remember bits and pieces of how the next part happened. I remember I somehow ended up in a bed with him over me. I remember trying to push him off of me but I was too out of it to even move. I remember trying to scream and no sound coming out. thats when I realized that his hand was over my mouth trying to make my crying more quiet. I remember when he was finally done, noticing that he hadn’t used a condom. then freaking out because they dont tell you in sex ed about your first time and how much blood is normal and how much means you need to worry. and there was a lot. after stumbling around the bathroom trying to clean myself up, I changed the sheets because they were soaked in blood. still pretty drunk, I got back into bed and a few minutes later, he climbed back into the bed and put his arm over me and fell asleep pretty much instantly. I lay there awake until the sun came up, too scared to move. eventually I decided to sneak out of the room and find my friend. she was making coffee and we had already planned on driving to the beach to sit and watch the waves so I showered, got dressed and we left for the beach. Before I could talk to her about anything, she starts telling me about her roommate that just got back from rehab and according to my friend  “claims she was raped by some guy but she wasnt raped, she was drunk and regrets it. I don’t even think rape is real. stupid women just want attention” I dont know how a fellow woman can have that opinion and I have not looked at her the same since she said that..so then I spent the rest of the weekend feeling totally alone. My friend was under the impression that he and I had just had sex and knew that there werent any condoms left in the house so took me to cvs and I got the morning after pill and was absolutely sick to my stomach for the rest of the trip because of that stupid pill and its side affects. This is the first time I have put this into words with this much detail. I have not told anyone this much about it. It isn’t something a lot of people in my life know about. Only like 3 people know about it. I can be totally fine one minute and then someone wearing a cologne that smells like the one he was wearing walks by and its like I am going through it all over again. It makes me feel totally helpless and I don’t know how I am supposed to move on. If someone touches me unexpectedly, my entire body flinches away. I used to be a very physically affectionate person with my friends. Hugging, laying with my head in their lap or theirs in mine, walking with arms linked together, you know just typical friend affection. That was how I showed my love for my friends. Now, the thought of someone touching me makes me nervous and my hands get clammy. I was a confident girl, not afraid to walk somewhere alone, trusting of most people, just generally confident in my ability to go through life without the threat of being hurt. I don’t go anywhere alone after dark now. Walking to my car after work terrifies the living hell out of me. every sound outside at night is a potential person waiting to attack me. I miss the carefree person I used to be. a lot. The old me would hike 3 miles up a mountain before sunrise to watch the sun come up, the old me wasnt scared to get gas after dark, the old me didn’t always cancel on plans to go out. I just dont know how to get back to that person. I have been staying up so late the past few days because I am afraid to go back to sleep and have more nightmares. Literally the only good thing that came out of this experience is that I got Nicola as a friend. I still struggle with feeling like I am at fault. like I should have taken better care of myself and not put myself in that situation. even though I know, it is not my fault. 

When I came home from that trip, I went to my dr. and talked to her about getting put on the pill because I did not want the fear of possibly being pregnant should this ever happen to me again. I will never go to that dr. again. She was extremely judgmental of every question I asked, she made me feel stupid and talked down to me the whole time and said “The best birth control is to just wait until marriage to have sex, but I guess it is too late for that now.” I have numerous issues with that. 1. sex is not a bad thing, you should not shame your patients for having it. 2. I literally told you it was not my choice, that I did not consent and you are shaming me for being raped. 3. you are my health care provider, you are literally here to answer my questions about my body, not to make me feel like an idiot for having questions, I am not the one that went to med school and studied the fucking human body. 

anyways, I really really hope that no one is triggered by this and that I tagged it sufficiently enough to make sure those who have blocked the tags wont see it. I needed to get this out somehow and this is my safe place to do that. 

[we-do-recover-together-blog]

so its been a slow start on here but i havent had this tumblr for more then 24 hours still trying to figure out how to use this thing but i figured id tell a little bit about my story, when i was young i used to live with my mom my grandma aunt and uncle, mom was 17 when she had me and well at the least to say she wasnt quiet ready to be a mother then. she was always out with friends and partying and would leave me wit my aunt or uncle. i was very close with my aunt if anything she was the closest thing to a mother figure i had in my life i felt safe with her, the only person i ever felt safe with was her and that still stands to this day shes the only person in the world that never turned her back on me and never gave up on me she always took me out before valentines day to get gifts for my little crushes threw out school i could tell her things i couldnt even tell a best friend or counselor she was my safe haven. But sometimes my uncle would baby sit me and he would do inappropriate things to me and touch me and i was so young and i didnt know it wasnt okay i didnt know wwhat it was at all really until i got older and i was ashamed of it and felt like less of a man and really it took till i was about 21 years old to finally come out and say it of course i was only strong enough to say it to the only person i trusted to keep it a secret i was and still am a little bit ashamed of it and its something i need to work on but back to my story eventually with my mom struggling with addiction herself she would get kicked out of my grandmas sometimes so she would grab me put me in the car and we would just drive around all night i cant tell you how many countless nights i spent in the back of her car sleeping or at some strangers house., well eventually i cant remember how old i was exactly but i guess she just got tired of being the part time mom she was and i remember her bringing me to visit my dad who lived with my other grandma grandpa my uncle and my 2 aunts well we walked in the door and everyone was there in the living room just talking but as soon as they saw us it was like the world stopped and they just stared at us well turns out my mother was going on a vacation for a week with her new boyfriend well it turned out that week turned into weeks and longer with out calls or anything she just took off eventually one day we got a call and its the first time i can remember talking to her since she left and she was in jail she came back into my life sorta kinda just in and out until i was in 7th grade thats when i started t get out of control and full of anger and hate and was very rebellious the typical im gonna do what i want when i want how i was and no one can tell me shit about it getting suspended from school getting into fights you name it that was me i was a jerk of a brother a mean son and a worst nightmare for people i didnt like i wasnt scared of anything weather it was fighting jail or cops for years my mother was asking me to give her another chance and move in with her she was never around or home and she didnt really care what i did so i moved in with my mom and from there i fell into a group of older kids that liked to do drugs and fight and pretty much do any and everything that you shouldnt do and to me it was fun i felt cool and ilike doing whatever i wanted if i got arrested my mom wasnt home to ground me or atleast enforce it so i just continued to do whatever i wanted countless arrests and suspensions from school and the drinking and drugging i didnt realize till my most recent years the older kids were just using me because i wasnt really scared to do or say anything perfect little side kick well eventually my mother found a bowl i hadfor getting high and she kicked me out so i moved back to my home town but with my grandparents they are the sweetest souls i have ever met but they were old school and were not very strict so smoking pot and drinking where completely normal especially in my family i first overdosed when i was 15 years old i took about 70 something sleeping pills that the kids in my town started taking because they were untraceable on a drug and blood test like i said that was just my first overdose and yes it terrified my family but didnt faze me one bit not even a year later when i was 16 i overdosed on pcp started hanging out in a bad neighborhood and doing just about any and every drug available even after watching one of my bestfriends drop to the ground from the pcp just minutes before i did i woke up in a hospital bed still unfazed by it honestly i think a part of my thought it was “cool” and at that point i thought well i over dosed twice and still woke up so nothing can touch me at that point i was so wrapped up in drugs that my emotions were non existing and my thought process was just fuck it.the drinking and drugging just got worse the partying continued the arrests never ended cant think of a night that didnt end in running from the cops when i was 17 i first tried heroin i had a friend that sold it and we would go drink at his house and i found some in the bathroom so i tried it and well at the least to say that was the day my life completely i slowly continued to use it but not to the point where i needed it atleast i thought that shortly after i found out that 2 of my cousins were using heroin to of course i didnt tell them i was until we ended up running into eachother in the ghetto so we all started getting high together hiding in abandon buildings and shooting up heroin at this point smoking crack and shooting up cocaine too, two days in a row i overdoses on heroin and xanax the people i was with ran my pockets when my breathing stopped and threw me on the side of the roadluckly i was found by someone and brought to a hospital still wasnt fazed when i woke up and went home went to sleep woke up the next day and got high again in all of these events i was also in and out of the county jail like it was my second home eventually my family got on my ass so i went to a rehab for 28 days just to get them off my back, first day home i told my grandpa i was going to see a few friends and went right back to getting high the same day i got out of rehab. i started hanging out with this girl i met in rehab second time we hangout i end up overdosing again on heroin and alcohol thats when i found out i had hep C but im sure if my track record doesnt prov to be the same that didnt faze me either right back to using eventually i get arrested and charged with 3rd degree burglary get locked up in the county for two months and it violates my juvenile probation and i get sent to a juvenile prison, i stay there for about 18 months while im there my cousins are hanging out and one of them over doses and my cousin and our “friend” freak out instead of calling an ambulance they clean her up and tuck her under a blanket in the hotel room they were in and they leave her a few days later room service finds the body i find out about a week later and well i think the fact of being in jail and not seeing it with my own eyes just made it hard to believe that the cousin that used to babysit me that grew up with me was gone forever and i never got to say goodbye..and it doesnt stop there maybe two weeks later i get a letter and find out my other cousin killed herself. she just couldnt handle the shame she felt for leaving my one cousin in that hotel room .not gonna really get into details about how i felt after losing both of them because its almost impossible to describe.about a year later i finally get out and i move in with my aunt her fiance and my baby cousin i was on parole so i had expectations to meet like outpatient counseling so about 2 months after being out im doing good staying clean doing good with outpatient and my curfew well i wake up the day after my 21 birthday i wake up to a text that my bestfriend of 18 years is dead and that  pretty much destroyed me and broke me down i started drinking and skipping outpatient or showing up drunk i shut down and pushed myself into the dark again i was trying to get parole to violate me and send me back i just gave up but it never happened and the day i got off i moved out of my aunts and with my friend in philly well that was all just party party party. at the time i was talking to a girl who i thought at the time was my life partner and all that bullshit but i was just blinded by after 2 years of nothing but jail and parole rules she was just the first female who gave me her attention well while i was in philly we were all drinking and me and her broke up i was drunk and emotional and i well i went into the bathroom and i took 3 90 count scripts of depression medicine and i took them all i took 270 pills give or take a few and tried to kill myself 10 minutes after i took them i blacked out well all i can say is i must have a a seriously bad ass guardian angel or i have a very big and meaningful purpose in life because i woke up the next day weak unable to move and throwing up non stop all the pills i took. it took me about three days to get back to me then i went back to jersey with my uncle not long after that i get hooked back on heroin and cocaine again and my life just well i can say i never been so low the insanity of it all is just well insane everyday i woke up and NEEDED drugs in one day i would think a million times how much happier i would be if i just ended the suffering if i just drove the car into the wall as fast as i could and just end the suffering, my mind was such a dark scary place i wouldnt wish it on anyone and if i didnt always want to get high just one more time if i didnt want to feel that rush one more time im sure i probably would have killed myself, one day i was getting high with my gf at the time and i was just i dont really know what happened but its like time froze and i saw who i was when i got out of jail and how bad things got and how far out there i was so i reached out to the only person i knew i could trust and that would help me my aunt and the next day she checked me into a hospital and i detoxed there while i was there my aunt and my mom found me a halfway house to move into..out of state, they didnt want me to end up like my cousins did the found me a sobor living home and a plane ticket and they went above and beyond to save me. so i moved and i was terrified that id fail i was in the halfway house for about 3 1/2 months to 4 and i turned into a completely different person that i never thought i could be i was happy and going to meetings and sharing and i met a girl and i fell head over heals for her the second i laid eyes on her shes been strong for me stood by my side and made me believe i could be more then a guy working as a cook and just barly making it that i can have that nice house and i can g=have a nice car or go back to school that i can build a family of my own it took me a while to realize or should i say believe in myself to be honest i didnt start fully believe in myself until 2 months ago since me and her have been together i have stolen money from her to get high on multiple occasions i have lied to her and flipped her brand new mustang going to get high i have snuck out and left her alone in bed to go get high she bought me a plane ticket to go home on my birthday for a week to see my family and my first day home i overdosed on heroin i have left her on three occasions because i broke the law and went to jail the first time was for 2 months for aggravated assault and she answered every call wrote me letters came to every court date she visited me and she stayed by my side the whole time.not even 5 days after i got out i stole her car and money to get high even after everything she did for me a month later i got arrested again and charged wit domestic assault for splashing her with water yea i know it sounds stupid but i was piss drunk and got out of control well she bailed me out of jail my drinking continued to get worse and i came home one night from work very very drunk and i snapped and i actually put my hands on her i hit the woman that did nothing but stand by my side and believe in me and give me chance after chance she carried my child the first time i went to jail and we lost it from all the stress she was under from supporting her child and paying rent all on her own a few months after she bailed me out we got pregnant again our own little baby boy Carter well our little baby boy wasnt so healthy and was in pain so we had to make the decision to abort it was what we thought best for him while she was pregnant i went behind her back and was talking to a female that i shouldnt have been talking to and said things i shouldnt have said while being in a relationship with this wonderful woman who has done nothing but fight for me and stand by my side well on july 27th i went back to jail again and stayed for about 2 months for violating my probation still this woman stood by my side answered every call and again came to court this was when i finally realized i was still being defeated by my addiction and while in jail i decided im not gonna be that person i was because i have a choice it is my life and i wont be weak anymore i started going the the steps again for real this time and taking every step to better myself and well guess who bailed me out of jail again? you guessed it she did and now i have been home for 6 days and i have trouble sleeping so i decided to make this blog to share my story help others like me most importantly help myself and not i am sitting in bed next to my girlfriend and my only thoughts are why didnt i take advantage of this time with her and also how easy recovery can be if you really try i mean we tried pretty hard to get high or stay high just half of that effort will save your life its saving mine usually nights like this id be searching the house for a car key that my gf has to hide from me so i dont steel her car but today all i care about is spending and enjoying every moment with this woman and what would be my next step that would be best for my family and me its gonna be a long road and a hard fight but i know i can do it just like i know you can do it stay strong everyone never give up and remember you are worth it and you are worth saving