#thats like a fast pass to the pearly gates to be sure

[pussypocalypse]

I miss my amazing, resilient as all hell father. Beat the shit out of prostate cancer in '08, made sure we were taken care of, no matter how difficult we were, silliest, weirdest mofo I ever knew (he's where I get it from), funny, most loved brother in the whole family and overall just a

Really. Nice. Guy.

Not too many people have three pastors at their funeral.

And I'm forever thankful for Alpha Phi Alpha for sending my father off to the Omega (Afterlife) chapter the way they did. That was beautiful. Beautiful.

[deanspatroclvs]

For I still was a blind man

I wrote a small Supernatural ficlet because I needed to fix that ending of 15x20.  mainly posting it here because I don’t have an Ao3.   Enjoy! ~

The road seemed endless, framed by green trees and golden sunlight. There was no noise but wind rustling in the leaves, the smooth whirring of the black shiny car and the music blaring through the windows. Carry on my wayward son. There‘ll be peace when you‘re done.

Dean Winchester watched the road before him, replaying everything in his life inside his head like one of these blockbusters he‘d always wanted to watch in cinema. The leather on Baby‘s wheel felt soft and comforting as he drove on. So, that‘s how it‘s gonna be. He was in heaven, stuck here for eternity, running on empty like a broken record. At least Sammy would live on, perhaps find a wife, have children, die of old age. Dean didn‘t know when he‘d see his little brother again. Time moved differently here, Bobby said. How long is it gonna be? Years? Minutes? Seconds? The car roared as Dean stepped on the gas pedal. He barely noticed the peaceful forest on his side, merging into a blur as the car took on speed. He didn‘t know peace. All he knew was this road, driving on and on in life and death, taking him to a new place as it has always been.

Lay your weary head to rest. Don‘t you cry no more.

Although Dean was in heaven, he wasn‘t happy. Even the car didn‘t feel right. Baby was too new, too smooth. The seats and windows were clean, there was no smell of stale beer, no tapes. It all seemed too perfect. Dean knew he should be content. He got Baby, Bobby, Ellen and Jo, his parents. But something was missing. He was torn out of life before he could even live. Leaving his brother alone, not being able to watch him grow. His hands clenched tighter around the wheel and Dean breathed out. He was shaking, tears burning in his eyes. One thought had entered his mind, the thought he‘d tried to banish and ignore and block out. Cas.  

Once I rose above the noise and confusion, Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion

The sun shone brightly, not too hot, not too cold, but Dean didn‘t care. He tried to focus on the road before him, feeling Baby purr beneath him as if it was her first ride. His mind was whirring as he replayed the last moments of his life – too fast, too quick, too cruel. Everything was taken from him but Sam and then he lost him too. And now that he was in heaven, he was supposed to be happy? There were too many things left unsaid and now Dean will never have the chance.

I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high

Bobby said, he was here. With Jack. Rebuilding heaven. Dean knew why Cas didn‘t greet him, when he arrived through the pearly gates. He knew.

Though my eyes could see, I still was a blind man

Darkness wrapped over the bright trenchcoat, over the blue eyes, over the last smile. „I love you.“ These three words echoed in Dean‘s mind. The raspy voice who said them. The hunter swallowed as he drove on. In the days after Cas‘ death he tried to act as normal as possible, avoid Sam‘s worried glances. Only late at night he would drink, he would listen to their mixtape for hours, sitting at the table, running his fingers over the carved name. After defeating Chuck, Jack disappeared, taking all hope with him. There was no possibility to save Cas anymore. Dean knew just the two of them wouldn‘t be able to defeat the Empty, so he tried to continue on with his life. He was glad that he could hide his grief so well. The years have taught him the mastery of charade. Even Sam didn‘t notice a thing and seemingly was happy enough to have his big brother besides him. Blissful ignorance kept him in his sleep, while Dean was screaming inside next door.

Though my mind could think, I still was a mad man

Thats why Dean knew. Cas probably lost faith in him. He probably wondered why Dean didn‘t come to save him after all these years. And he was right. Dean was a coward. He had been broken and bruised and battered and only after Cas had died, something in him healed. The words Cas had said in that room had fueled this little voice inside him, whispering and screaming into his ear that maybe Dean wasn‘t Daddy‘s little soldier, a blunt instrument, a cold-blooded killer. He was stronger than this and only Cas made him realize that he deserved to be saved. But now Cas was gone and up with Jack somewhere, fixing things that could be fixed. A shuddering breath escaped Dean‘s throat as he realized that their bond couldn‘t be fixed anymore. Back then, he didn‘t have a moment to think, a chance to say anything when Cas was swallowed by the Empty. The words came after in these restless nights, in an endless stream, voices in his head that could only be quieted when he grabbed a pen and wrote the words down. Of course he hid them beneath his pillow, these pages full of apologies. Sam never knew.

And now Dean was here, in heaven, with Baby on the road. Cas‘ sacrifice had been for nothing. Cas must really hate him.

I hear the voices when I'm dreaming, I can hear them say

Dean swallowed hard as he kept his eyes on the grey road, his mind running in circles. The trees went by in a flash of green and brown. The road seemed endless. The music echoed in his ears and he just drove. How much time had passed? Ten, fifteen minutes? Ten years on earth? His whole body was frozen, tensed, anxiety-filled, as he sat in this too new car, listening to Kansas, all alone. He never realized how big Baby actually was, how much space there was. It felt strange not to have Sam sitting next to him, pouting about Dean‘s choice of music, Cas in the back, squinting at Dean as he didn‘t get the reference. A bitter chuckle escaped Dean‘s throat as he thought of motel rooms, fast food dinners, coffee spilled on the seats, weapons clinking in the backseat. Fuck. He rubbed his eyes, willing the traitorous tears away. A burning pain spread in his chest and filled his lungs. Dean let out a shaky breath, opening his eyes, looking into the rearview mirror. And froze. Cas.

Carry on, my wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done

The car came to a screeching halt and Dean stumbled out of Baby as fast as he could, keeping his eyes on the angel standing on the middle of the road.

Cas didn‘t move, just looking at him with these beautiful blue eyes. He looked just the way he was when he was swallowed by the empty. When he said those wor- No. Dean didn‘t want to think of it right now. Slowly he walked towards the angel, a few feet of distance parting them. What should he say? Why was Cas here? Why did this all happen? „Hello Dean.“, he heard the familiar gruff voice.„I didn‘t expect you so soon.“ Cas‘ face was hard, blank only for the people that didn‘t know him well. But Dean could see how his jawline was set, how his brows were furrowed, his eyes slightly squinted. Panic washed over him. Cas was pissed. Dean swallowed. „Well – um-“, he started, chuckling nervously. „Vampires, I guess? In the end I got staked. Irony, huh?“, he said awkwardly and glanced at the angel before him. For a while Cas didn‘t say anything. Hurt suddenly flashed over his face before it disappeared beneath the cool mask. „It really was for nothing.“, he muttered and turned around. „Enjoy heaven.“,Castiel said quietly and walked away.

Lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more

No.

This could not be happening. Dean just saw Cas again and now he was leaving? Fuck if he let that happen. His feet reacted faster than his mind and ran to him. His hand grabbed Cas‘ arm. He is real, Dean thought, he is really alive. He felt the warmth beneath his fingers through the fabric of the all too familiar trenchcoat.

Great, Dean, now say something. „Cas.“, he stammered. „We...- we need to talk.“ Just friggin‘ peachy, best way to start a conversation, the sarcastic voice in his head said.

Castiel turned around, surprise glinting in his blue eyes. „Dean.“, he said calmly, not moving his arm away. Heart racing, Dean slowly removed his hand.   „Y‘know. What you said-“, he started but Cas already interrupted him. „You don‘t need to do this.“, he said, a sad and angry look on his face. „No, I need to do this. You need to listen to me, Cas!“, replied Dean. Anger surged through him too. „So don‘t fly away with that feathered ass of yours!“

Cas glared at him and in that moment Dean just wanted to punch him. Is it that hard to just stay here and listen to what he has to say?

„Look, Cas.“, Dean started. „I‘m not good with words, so- um..“ Cas just stood still, waiting for what he had to say. It made him nervous. He felt his heart racing in his chest and tried to grasp the next words in his already scrambled brain. Fuck. He really wasn‘t good at this. A few minutes went by, them just staring awkwardly at each other. Then Cas sighed. „I know, Dean. You don‘t feel the same way. You don‘t need to say this.“, he murmured and took a few steps back, shoving his hands down the pockets of his trenchcoat. Dean just gaped at him in shock. „Do you really believe that?“, he said a little louder than expected and flinched. Cas just stared at him blankly, mask all up. „Yes.“, he just said. Oh why did it have to be so hard? „You‘re wrong, Cas.“, Dean growled, patience growing thin. „Oh yeah? Well, let me know if you‘re really sure about this!“, Cas snapped, eyes squinting in anger. „I gave you everything, Dean! And if this is all you can say, then I don‘t see the need to talk about this!“ Okay. Cas really was pissed.

Dean‘s hands clenched to fists and he walked towards him. „You really think I haven‘t thought about this at all? You really think that you mean that little to me? Fuck, Cas. Didn‘t you see that-“, he interrupted himself, hurt washing all over him. His heart was hammering hard in his chest while the other was still glaring at him. „What?“, growled Cas. Dean swallowed and his eyes met Cas‘. Green met Blue. Careful, he laid a hand on Cas‘ shoulder and took a deep breath „I never had the opportunity to reply, Cas.“, he said fiercely, angrily. „You said I could let go of that anger and grief and when you died I couldn‘t. Because I needed you to stay, I needed you here!“. Dean hoped this was enough. He was proud of himself for at least saying something.

But Cas‘ face fell. Anger mixed with fury and disappointment flashed all through his eyes within the matter of seconds. „Alright, Dean, I got it. You‘re hurt. Get over it.“, he hissed and yanked his shoulder away from Dean‘s hand. „Is there anything else? Because I would like to get back to help Jack. I hope you like your heaven, Dean, since I figured it got all you needed.“. Shit. Did Cas create this? Dean staggered back, words lost in his mouth at the revelation that his former friend not only died for him, bled for him and now even created his heaven for him without even expecting anything in return. How did he ever deserve someone like Cas? The angel in question just glared at him. „Goodbye, Dean.“, he just said and turned around, walking away once more. Why he didn‘t use his wings, Dean couldn‘t comprehend. His mind was racing anyway, full of thoughts, full of things he could possibly say. But should he really say something? He stared blankly at Cas‘ back, slowly moving away, further from him. That hurt. That distance hurt. Knowing, that when he let Cas go now, he would never see him again.

„Cas.“, he finally murmured. „Wait.“ Cas showed no sign he heard him and continued walking. This was enough. Something in Dean snapped and he ran. His feet carried him on the hard road, towards the angel. The angel that was once his and all of his and now none of his. One hand grabbed his arm and yanked him around, the other pulling him closer. There was just a second where Dean saw irritation in his eyes before his lips crashed with Cas. They were dry meeting soft ones. Dean‘s entire mind went blank and all he could hear was his heartbeat. Cas seemed frozen in shock. Suddenly, slowly, Dean felt two hands sneaking around his back, grabbing his shirt. Cas returned the kiss with uncertainty which soon disappeared. His hands went to Cas‘ neck, feeling the short black hair at his fingertips. They kissed for seconds, minutes, what could be years on Earth and Dean didn‘t care. He focused on the feeling of Cas. On the radiating warmth that seemed to erase all the hurt and confusion. It felt as if the bond snapped right into place like a broken bone healed. Softly, slowly he pulled away from Cas and opened his eyes. Blue ones looked at him in confusion and hope and Dean let out a shuddering breath, his heart up in his throat. „Me too.“, he whispered and saw Cas‘ eyes widen in shock. Dean couldn‘t help it. He chuckled quietly. „You know, you need to stop looking like that.“, he muttered, which made Cas frown. „Like what?“, he asked with his raspy voice. „Like that stupid angel who wouldn‘t ever believe that I would let him go away like that!“, Dean replied, smirking. His fingers stroked Cas‘ neck and damn, did it feel good. Well, it did feel a little weird, being so close to Cas, but mostly it felt good. „May I remind you, that you‘re the one who died on a rusty nail?“, Cas replied sarcastically and Dean snorted. „Touche.“ He stepped back, but let his hands rest on Cas‘ shoulders, in case that damn angel would still want to fly away. „We good?“, he asked, worry rising up. Maybe Cas really hated him. Maybe he truly did everything wrong.

But the angel nodded, brows furrowed in deep thought. „I think so.“, he murmured and Dean‘s heart jumped. „That‘s good. It‘s good. Good.“, Dean stammered, barely comprehensating what is just happening. Cas forgave him. He let out a long breath of relief and took one of Cas‘ hands, intertwining his fingers with Cas‘. Baby steps. Hands. Kisses. They are both new with this. It will probably still take a while to admit these three words for him. „As long as you‘re with me, Cas.“, he said, smiling. A small tentative smile spread over Cas‘ face and he nodded. „You know I am, Dean.“

Carry on, my wayward son, There'll be peace when you are done

From the moment the angel of the lord pulled the righteous man out of hell they were found and changed, hunting and hurting each other until they were lost again. For twelve years they fought against the world and themselves. Then came death and darkness on their shadowed wings, separating them once more. That day in heaven when they met again something set into place like a well-oiled machine. Just like the black car in which the angel and the hunter explored the whole world together in eternity.

The car which didn‘t feel empty anymore.

And for the first time in years, Dean felt true happiness.

Lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry, don't you cry no more