#thats her title she defends with pride

[maysrinn]

Can we get our queen Lucy pregnant she would obviously be glowing 👑

The queen lives & rises…barely…👑

She’s ✨glowing✨

even when she says otherwise

District AU Lucy gray for u all~ she’s busy cooking the first little gremlin to completion

…Gotta get yet permission from president snow to show the first lady in public 🥀

[shipperofunderratedships]

You shared your headcannons about johnny and kenshi, and while thats great, i wish you also did some for tanya and mileena, since theyre actually cannon (i hope this doesnt come off as rude but they are less popular somehow)

Hi there!! This is a very good request so i dont mind. Also dont worry, it doesnt come across as rude at all.

I dont have headcannons specifically but more like an imagining for how their relationship went. Also- this may not fit with the cannon since these are my thoughts :D

I imagine Tanya as the oldest sister among 5 or 6. I imagine her going into training as soon as she can walk- and being angry about it, which only makes her seem stronger. Why dont her sisters have to train? Why is she here? To protect the future empress? She never even met her. Shes living her life in training for a stranger- a possibility, of a kingdom to thrive. It isnt fair.

She still doesnt understand as the years go by, even if she only gets stronger- more resilient. But for what, she cant even know yet. All she heard were stories about Sindels daughters- mostly praise about Kitana. But what about Mileena, the actual future empress? Her hatred grows into curiosity.

Then she sees her for the first time- and she understands completely.

Its in her rough but quick fighting style- in the angry way she buries her enemies beneath her just how Tanya herself was taught to. She clearly cares- and thats all Tanya has ever wanted really- for someone to care about it. Even if she didnt care about her soecifically, this Mileena seemed to care about her role greatly- so Tanya didnt train for nothing.

Li Mei notices the way Tanya lets her guard down for the first time, the curve of her lips when Mileena stands into her victory pose, facing her future bodyguard. It seems like a demonstration from Mileena, to prove herself to her.

Li Mei scolds her to never let her guard down. As their duty wasnt just to protect themselves, but the royal family above all. Protect. Serve. Thats it.

Even if gentle, she puts Tanya back in her place, and even if Tanya knows she has good intentions, she hates her for it.

Jerrod dies, Li Mei takes the fall. Despite it all, Tanya still believes in her. She shuts down any attempt to denigrate her name. She trains twice as hard to fill out a role she never wanted to fill.

She hates her for her failure, but loves her for her honest heart. She hates her for not fighting Sindels accusations, but cant bring herself to throw her out.

She hates her.

She misses her.

The one saving grace in all of this seems to be Mileenas glances and soft words. She never expected the princess to be so…gentle with her. Even if its just words, Tanya knows she means it.

It makes her happy.

It makes her accept her purpose.

Sindel is even more stern then she heard. She tells Tanya to always defend Mileena with her life. To make sure she pushes her to do her absolute best- to make sure she doesnt grow weak enough to be replaced.

But how can Tanya help her, when she herself feels weak every time the Edenian smiles in her direction? She is the last person able to ask her to focus.

What was wrong with her?

They train. They train daily, Mileena always summoning her. Tanya cant help but feel a sense of pride that Mileena asks for her specifically.

One day, she defeats Tanya with an incredible ease, her two sai as sharp as a snakes teeth, her eyes like its venom. And she cant help but sigh at what she sees. She is so beautiful it actually pains her, because while she is only devoted to her princess, she knows its only obligatory on her side.

Mileena asks what she is sighing at, and before she can think, she tells her how beautiful and strong she is.

“Words wont help you get my graces Umgadi.”

But Tanya assures her her heart only sings about her. She even grabs Mileenas hand, and something in the way she assures Mileena of her deserving her empress title makes the Edenian quiet.

She leaves it at that.

She went too far. She went way too far.

Sindel will surely banish her once she hears of this. Mileena hasnt asked her to spar in the last few days. She ruined it.

Why did she ruin it.

Before it was just quick glances, at most a hug. Nothing like this. She was sick.

This went against everything she trained for, everything she believed in.

She decides to take another risky move, to go to the princess herself to apologise for her unusual behaviour. She knocks- no answer. She opens the door, seeing Mileena crumpled in a sheet, splayed across the floor, her eyes bright like fire and mouth strangely contorted. She looked like a monster.

But then why was her first thought to hug her? To hold her with no fear? Who cared what she had?

She needed her.

She needed HER. She said it herself through tears.

Sindel was deeply disappointed. Kitana was scared- but still held on.

But Tanya? She grabbed onto her like no other before. She would not let anyone harm her again.

“Im a monster- please leave me be. I dont want to ruin you. I dont want to infect you.”

Tanya only cradles her even closer to her body. Even if it took a while, Mileena understood she meant her words of devotion towards her.

Maybe she didnt want to be her guard at first. But the way she cries into her shoulder, or smiles at her hugs, or allows herself to sleep next to her… she wants this. She wants Mileena.

And Mileena wants her.

[artseniccatnip]

Audrey being a good friend? What is this madness? (Pre date comic)

thats casue its wanderscript baybeee!!! i write her a lil different when she's not having to defend a title that she's so desperate to keep...instead she's more like a prideful asshole who still has good qualities LOL

[honeii-puff]

18.| in like a poison in your veins (in small amounts i'm killing you slowly)| WHUMPTOBER 2024

Revenge| Loss of Identity - Lute Title from Infection by Lacuna Coil Word Count: 0.46k

Looking back on it now, Lute didn’t know how she had let herself fall so far.

She very much knew why. For Adam, and because of Sera.

When they had returned to heaven after Adam’s death, the blame had fallen to her. It was her responsibility, somehow. They had claimed that she had gotten caught up in her rage, became prideful.

They had condemned her, for doing what she was told. For what they had told her.

She didn’t loose her wings, but she lost her halo. And the only purpose she was given since she had died.

Lute didn’t remember the fall from heaven, only hitting the ground. It was a miracle she hadn’t broken her back. Maybe that was part of the punishment. Sera wanted her to live through this. Or whatever semblance of existence she had been experiencing for the past two-thousand years that felt like living

She still remembered the first time she had died, defending one of Athena’s temples from the Spartans. 

She was the priestess of the temple, Athena having been her patron for as long as she could remember. She was born in the middle of what people now called the Peloponnesian war between Sparta and Athens, and had died by the hand of a coward.

An arrow through her neck, shot from behind. Severing her brain stem and slicing her vocal chords. She had died before her body hit the ground. She saw her body hit the ground.

Her soul hadn’t ascended for years beyond that point. She watched the temple fall into ruin, her body decompose. She didn’t know what happened to her sisters of the temple, but they never came back for her corpse. She never got a proper funeral.

Lute had gotten brought to heaven eventually. Watching the rotting of her corpse had made her bitter. Nobody had come back for her. Nobody grieved, no shroud was burned in her memory.

The Exorcists were women in life who hadn’t believed in heaven, but didn’t deserve hell. And she was hardly the first.

But, she was the first Lieutenant. 

The first to go through the initiation.

The Death by a Thousand Blades.

She had to be killed a thousand times, a thousand different ways, over the course of a thousand days.

The first being by her own hand.

She’d find herself back at the Temple of Athena every time, wondering where she went wrong in life to earn this. How she had forsaken Athena and ended up in a Tartarus disguised as paradise.

Maybe thats why she despised Vaggie so much. She found out how to make her own paradise in the worst place imaginable. 

She had died 1001 times, and would possibly die 1001 more.

But she’ll make sure that she kills Sera before that happens.

[kpopfromtheblock]

a/n ⇾ to be honest with you all, this isn’t my best work but i’m posting it anyways because it took me forever to write and i know there are a few readers who were waiting for this installment… although it’s not my favorite, i hope you still enjoy it! friendly reminder: if you click the title, it will take you to the series masterlist <3 thanks for reading! 

LIFE WITH BANGTAN | ot7

004

genre ⇾ comedy (bts crack? i guess) + fluff

pairing ⇾ bts x fem reader

summary ⇾ you’re not great at cooking but you’re not the worst either and one night you have the brilliant idea to cook for the boys… unfortunately for you, some of them are not impressed by your cooking skills.

warning ⇾ the usual: swearing, a lil’ dash of cringy-ness, idfk… it’s shit show.

words ⇾ 4,9k 

. * 　　　 ✦     .     　⁺ 　 .  * ⁺        ⁺

“Fuck!” You mumble to yourself as one of four pots on the stove begin to boil over in front of you. You rush to turn the heat down in order to stop the water from spilling out and onto the floor. 

You’ve already made a mess of the kitchen… Run-away vegetables scattered across the counters, sauces splattered on the tiled floor and kitchen mats… 

Jin is going to kill you when he sees the state of his kitchen but you don’t really have time to worry about it. You have very crucial task at hand: Cook dinner for seven very hungry men. 

You lift your arm up and use the sleeve of the oversized hoodie you’re wearing, that previously belonged to Jimin, to wipe the sweat off your forehead.

‘Do people normally sweat this much when they cook?’ You sigh heavily before picking up the large knife, which you’re sure is not meant for chopping veggies, off the counter. 

You begin cutting up the remainder of carrots you have laying on a wooden cutting board. 

When you’re done, you stand there for a few minutes and stare at the orange vegetable in disbelief... “This doesn’t look right.” You say out loud as you drop the knife and grab your iPad that was propped up against a container of sugar. 

You are trying to follow a recipe that your Mother so kindly sent to you via email. She was so thorough that she even included pictures of what the food was supposed to look like before, during and after. 

Though you were a bit thrown off by the length of the email, you weren’t in the least bit surprised… You expected nothing less from your Mom, as she is the head chef and partial owner (alongside your Father) of a well-known restaurant back in your hometown…  Her line of work kind of requires her to be thorough. 

The carrots in the picture your mom emailed you, look nothing like the carrots you just finished cutting.

Your carrots are cut into weird shapes. Some too big, others too small. Some are not peeled correctly, others are peeled so thinly that you could almost see-through them, where as your Mother’s carrots were cut to perfection. 

All the same circular shape and about the same thickness.

‘How did I manage to fuck up cutting carrots?’ You think. You were embarrassed with yourself.

If only Jin were in here to see you now. He’d probably laugh loudly in your face then try to repair the damage you’ve made but luckily for you, you were successful in forcing Jin and the rest of the guys into the confinement’s of Taehyung’s room.

Tae’s room was the largest in the dorm and could fit all seven members comfortably. 

It was also the furthest away from the kitchen which meant that you were able to work in peace without any of them prying over your shoulder or so you thought. 

Jin came in twice and Yoongi, once to check on you and see if you needed help… You rejected them both, determined to finish cooking all your own. 

A whole hour has passed now and you are regretting your decision to turn their help away but you have too much pride to ask for help now especially since you were the one who offered to cook in the first place…

You remember it like it was yesterday: 

After a long day of work and practice, the eight of you piled into a van to head back to the dorm for the night. You spent the day playing BTS’ personal assistant as their usual assistant (who just so happen to be your older cousin) had called out because of a family emergency. 

You were no stranger to being a P.A. for the boys as you were the one who took over when your cousin had gone on Maternity leave… Working for Big Hit was obviously how you met the idols (but thats a story for another time). 

Although Big Hit Ent has a shit ton of staff members that could have filled in, your cousin had request that you be her back up if anything happened to where she couldn’t make it into work. 

Big Hit had agreed to your cousin’s request, not only because she is a well respected senior member of BTS’ staff but also because you were exceptional at the job. 

You handled the boys’ schedules and tasks with such care and attention to detailed that the company offered to hire you full time but when things started to get serious between yourself and the guys, you turned down the position, wanting to be with them more than wanting to make money from the company. Plus being a P.A. wasn’t what you wanted to do for the rest of your life… No matter how well it paid… It wasn’t your passion.

It was a rare occasion that you got a call from Big Hit to come into the office for the day but when you did, you jump at the opportunity because it was a way for you to spend more time with your boyfriends and it was a nice little break from working in the small, very noisy and sometimes smelly Vet’s office you usually worked in… 

“Okay kids. Buckle up.” You say enthusiastically as up slip into the drivers seat and shut the door after you. 

You felt bad that either Jin, Hoseok or Jungkook would’ve had to drive home after having a full day of practice… You saw how hard they worked and you knew that without a doubt, their bodies were sore and worn out from the day so you offered to push the whip back to their dorm in order to give them some time to rest. 

Of course Jin was the only one to argue with you for five whole minutes about driving. He insisted that he wasn’t tired and maybe that was true but still… You didn’t want to hear it. 

You dismissed him and stole the van keys right out of his hand. He knew he had lost the argument once the keys were in your possession. 

Yoongi sat in the passengers side, while the others piled into the back. You finished strapping on your seat belt then went ahead to put the key in the ignition so you could start the van. 

The ride home was relaxing. 

Namjoon had fallen asleep fairly early on during the ride. He was sat beside Jin who scrolling through his phone in the very back seat. 

Hoseok was sat in the middle seat, closest to the window. His head thrown back and his lips slightly parted as his chest rose and fell softly. He was out like a light, much like Namjoon was. Jimin and Taehyung were beside him, Jimin in the middle. The two younger boys conversed amongst themselves and Yoongi was sat beside you, curled into himself against the window, snoring quietly. 

You were keeping your eyes focused on the road while the sounds of the men’ around you, kept you relaxed.

“I’m hungry.” Taehyung suddenly mentions. “Me too.” Jimin chimed in. “Do you guys want me to stop somewhere?” You asked, looking back at them through the rearview mirror. “Or Jin could make us something when we get back home?” Tae suggested, looking back at the older male with hopeful eyes. 

They really enjoy Jin’s cooking. He doesn’t cook that often for them anymore since they’ve been so busy and he hasn’t had time to cook a full meal.

Long practices and busy schedules usually mean they have to either eat out or order in… 

The boys long for a home cooked meal. 

You take a minute to glance at Jin’s face through the mirror again… You can see how tired his eyes are and you suddenly felt a bit of guilt pushing against your chest. You know he’s exhausted and to have to go home and cook a meal for the eight of you, at this time of night? It’s a bit much. 

“I can cook...” You offered. The words left your mouth before you really had time to process them in your head... 

Jin, Jimin and Tae all snap their heads over to you. 

When you don't hear any responses from them, you took a quick look up. You don't miss the way their faces twist in a mixture of amusement and confusion, before placing your eyes back on the road. “What?” You asked, genuinely puzzled by their facial expressions. 

“You’ll cook?” Tae asked, just to make sure he heard you correctly. “Yeah…” Your voice is quiet and laced with uncertainty but it was too late for you to take back your words back. “Dinner? You’ll cook dinner?” It was Jimin’s voice you heard this time. “Yes.” You said sternly. “For us?” Jin questioned you again in disbelief. “Oh my god! Yes!” You semi-shout. 

You felt a bit annoyed with them for asking you the same questions. You were just offering to cook dinner for them, not build them a boat… Why are they so pressed about it?

You look over at Yoongi to make sure you hadn’t woken him as he was the closest to you and when you saw that he hadn’t moved from his position, you continued. 

“I’ll cook dinner. For you all. Tonight. Why are you guys being so weird about it?”

“Because you never offer to cook.” Tae reminded you. 

“Thats not true! I always offer, Jin always says no.” 

“That’s because you’re not good at cooking Princess.” Jin is blunt and it kind of throws you off guard but then you realize he does have a bit of a point. You’re not the best at cooking but you have the basics down and you can make a mean pot of ramen… That counts right?

“I know how to cook.” You tried defend yourself but even you know the words sound bland leaving your lips. “Baby, putting rice in the cooker and turning it on is not cooking.” Jimin told you in a matter of fact tone. A little gasps leaves your lips at his insult. 

‘How dare he!’ You think to yourself. 

You rolled your eyes when you heard Taehyung chuckling next to Jimin.

“Mr. Jimin…” You said warningly. “Don’t you start with me. You barely know how to boil water…” You clapped back at him. Taehyung is throwing his head back whilst holding his stomach. He is laughing so hard, his shoulders are visibly shaking. He loves with you and Jimin bicker with each other. It’s the funniest thing in the world to him. 

“Out of the two of us, I am the better cook.” You said confidently. 

“My bullshit senses are tingling.” Jimin joked and you scoffed at him. 

“How about tomorrow tonight?” Jin suddenly suggests, causing both you and Jimin to cease your petty arguing.“Why not tonight? I really don’t mind.” You told them, shrugging your shoulders nonchalantly.

 Now you were determined to prove a point to Jimin. You were the better cook. You have to be… Your mom is a chef for crying out loud, knowing how to cook should be in your DNA

“Well, we’ll have to stop at a grocery store, right? To get ingredients and it’s a bit late to start cooking now so how about we go home and order something then tomorrow you can cook for us? Sound good?” Jin asked you and you nod your head in agreement. “Tomorrow it is.” You said. 

You were sure you’d be able to cook a perfectly good meal for your boyfriends. Cooking isn’t hard. You were knowledgeable about the basics and you’ve seen Jin cook plenty of times too. 

’It’ll be fine.’ You think to yourself, boy were you wrong…

. * 　　　 ✦     .     　⁺ 　 .  * ⁺        ⁺

The rice cooker beeps loudly behind you. You turn away from the stove and walk over to the counter to shut the cooker off. You open the lid then take up the paddle spoon. You scoop up some of the rice and pop it in your mouth. It’s steaming hot and it almost burns your tongue but you chew with caution then swallow. You smile happily at the taste. “If all else fails, at least there’s rice.” You giggle to yourself as you think about how you should get those words printed on a t-shirt or something.. And you know Yoongi, Jin and Taehyung would agree with you because the four of you have been dubbed (by the rest of the boys), the official rice fairies since you all eat it some much.

“It smells good…” You’re startled by the sound of Jungkook’s voice. You whip your body around to see him lifting one of the pot covers. 

Were you so impressed by your rice cooking skills that you didn’t notice him slide into the kitchen behind you. “Jungkook!” You slap his hand and he drops the pot lid, it falls perfectly back into place. “Get your ass out of here!” You say sternly. You put your hand on his shoulder and begin to push him away from the stove. 

You’re strong but not as strong as him and your small hand is no match for his large shoulder. When you push him, he barely moves an inch. 

“But I’m hungry~” Jungkook whines and you can’t fight the smile that forms on your lips at the cute way he drags his words. 

“And Namjoon won’t let me eat any of my snacks… He says it’ll ruin my dinner.” Jungkook complains as he turns he’s body around to face you. His tall frame towers over your shorter one. 

“Joon is right and I’m almost done Kookie.” You try to reassure him but the look on his face tells you that it isn’t working. 

“How much longer?” He asks as he turns his body to finally face you.

“Twenty minutes.” You say, looking up at him adoringly.

“But you said twenty minutes, when Jin came in to check on you an hour ago.” He protests and you chuckle. “Kookie…” You call sweetly as you step closer to him. You wrap your arms around his waist and press your face to his chest. Maybe a little affection and sweet talk will do the trick… “I promise I’m almost done. If I’m not finished in twenty minutes, you have permission to eat all your snacks. Okay?” You look up at him to find that he is already staring down at you. When your eyes meet his, he quickly looks away in that cute way he does when he knows he’s been caught staring. You giggle and you can see a smirk forming on his lips as he tries to avoid eye contact. He wants to be upset with you because of how long you’re taking with dinner but he can’t…

“Do we have a deal?” You ask him, keeping your eyes on his sharp jawline. 

When Jungkook realizes that you aren’t going to stop staring his glorious side profile, he looks down at you. “Fine. But please move faster. We’re all starving and I think Yoongi s going to bit off Jin’s head soon because he keeps talking.” Jungkook informs you and you nod. “Okay, okay. I’m going as fast as I can.” You tell him. You stand on your toes to peak his lips. “Now go.” You say whilst patting his butt a few times as a way to usher him out of the kitchen so you can get back to work.

Two hours pass and you’re finally done cooking. You can’t believe it’s taken you two whole hours to cook fiour dishes that you started all at the same time. It has never taken Jin this long to cook anything and that’s a dead giveaway that you’ve screwed something up… 

After you finish setting the table, you call for the boys. They youngest members come tumbling into the dinning room with the older ones following closely behind. “Wow~” Jimin and Jungkook say in unison as they see the meals you’ve prepared for them… It looks and smells amazing but the taste is the most important thing and you aren’t sure you’ve done such a good job in that department… You’re almost positive you haven’t.

“Look! There’s rice!” Taehyung points excitedly at the huge bowl full of steaming hot white rice. “The seaweed soup looks so delicious.” Hoseok comments and you smile at his words. “Does it?” You ask eagerly. Hobi nods at you then walks over to kiss the top of your head, lovingly. “I’m sure it’ll taste great.” he assures you. “Wow, look at the pork belly.” Namjoon has hearts in his eyes as he sees the mountain of juicy pork belly sitting on a plate. 

You are starting to feel a little bit more confident about your cooking since the reaction from your boys so far has been good but you have to keep in mind that they haven’t actually tasted anything yet.

You look over at Yoongi when you hear him chuckling from where he stands. Even though you have no idea what he’s laughing about, you smile at him. “Whats so funny?” You question. “We’re acting like we’ve never seen these kinds of foods before.” Yoongi explains and it causes the rest of the boys to laugh too. “It’s because we’re starving…” Namjoon says and you immediately feel guilty for taking so long to cook them a proper meal. 

You know they must be starving. “Well, the wait is over. Eat!” You encourage them as you take the empty seat in between Jungkook and Hoseok. 

The boys begin to fill their plates. You’re too nervous to eat, so you just sit there and watch, like a creep. “You’re not eating Angel?” Hoseok asks you as he scoops some rice into his plate. “You guys eat first.” You use your hands to urge him into adding more food to his plate. 

Jungkook uses his chopsticks to grab a piece of pork then he pops it into his mouth. You smile as he hums contently while he chews. “How is it?” You ask him, expectingly. He’s silent for a little bit while he chews but after he swallows, he smiles and gives you two thumbs up. “Really?! Two thumbs?” You exclaim and Jungkook nods his head. He begins filling his plate with more meat. “Wow, not one but two thumbs up.” You say in amazement. Receiving two thumbs up from Jungkook is big accomplishment for you. 

“Cooking pork belly is easy though.” Jimin says sourly in an attempt to tease you. You cut your eyes at him before sitting up straight in your seat, ready to give him a piece of your mind. “Listen here…” You start. “Don’t try to discredit me! Let me have this victory, okay!” You say sternly and he holds his hands up in defense, giving you a small smirk.

Park Jimin just loves to rile you up.

Hoseok goes for a piece of pork this time. He takes a few minutes to chew before his eyes widen like saucers. Your stomach drops, thinking he’s in shock because of how bad it taste but you’re wrong… “Delicious.” He tells you and now your the one with the widening eyes. “Seriously!?” You ask in disbelief and he nods. “Holy shit.” You mumble under your breath, as you sit back in your seat. You are stunned. 

Two out of seven have given you praises on your food. You can’t believe it… You thought for sure, they would’ve banned you from the kitchen after tasting one bite.

You feel proud that you managed to cook something that the boys seem to be enjoying. You were sitting high on your horse at this point but little did you know… You were about to get kicked right off… 

Whilst you are conversing with Hoseok and Namjoon, Jimin is scooping a hefty amount of seaweed soup into a bowl you provided for him. He is excited to eat it as he hasn’t had seaweed soup in a while. He was looking forward to it. 

He dips his spoon into the hot liquid then puts it up to his mouth to cool it quickly before shoving the spoon in. The soup hits his tongue and he immediately cringes at the taste. He shakes his head whilst sticking his tongue out, trying to rid his taste buds of the bitterness. 

Jimin is so distraught by the bad soup that he doesn’t notice the way Taehyung is staring at him with a concerned expression, having seen the way he reacted to your soup. 

When Jimin finally gets over the taste, he turns his head to face Tae. He has warn the younger boy about the soup… 

“What?” Tae mouths to Jimin, not wanting to bring attention to the two of them. “It’s bad.” Jimin mouths back immediately. 

If anyone were looking at them from the outside, they would think the two were communicating telepathically. 

“What’s bad?” Tae ask, his eyebrows crinkling in confusion.  

“The soup.” Jimin points at the bowl with his spoon. “The soup is bad?” Tae mouths again, slightly shocked by the news he’s hearing.

In response, Jimin just takes his spoon and dips it into his bowl, gathering the broth. He then brings the spoon up to Tae’s mouth. Tae leans forward to taste the liquid… He lets the soup swish around in his mouth before swallowing… He frowns when he realizes that the soup, is indeed very bad. “Aw..” He says sadly, feeling extremely disappointed. He too was excited about getting to eat some seaweed soup but after tasting it, he doesn’t feel the same. 

Jimin releases a chuckle at Tae’s reaction then covers his mouth quickly, hoping no one heard him. “Give some to Yoongi.” Jimin encourages Tae, wanting to see the older males reaction to the taste of your soup. 

You’re conversation with Joon and Hobi comfortably subsides when you see Jin, who is sitting at the end of the table, takes a spoon full of the seaweed soup you’ve slaved over. He pushes the spoon into his mouth and lets the warm liquid wash over his taste buds… You’re staring intently at him, after all, his reaction will be the most precious for you as he’s the cook in the house… You don’t miss the way his adam’s apple bobs as he swallows slowly, his nose scrunches up and then he clears his throat. 

This isn’t the reaction you were expecting… 

You can hear Jimin who is sitting across from you, quietly dying of laughter and Tae who is beside him, trying to stifle his own laughter… 

“Well?” You ask. He still hasn’t commented on the food but if his facial expression is anything to go by, you’re sure he’s disgusted by the taste. 

“It’s awful, isn’t it?” You want Jin to confirm what you already know is true which is that soup taste horrible and you’re the worst cook ever. Your previous confidents has gone all the way out the window now. “It’s.. Uh—” Jin starts but stops as he racks his brain for the right words to say. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings but he can’t deny that the soup taste a bit odd. 

“It’s disgusting... You can say it.” You tell him as you pout, disappointed in yourself…

“No Princess… It’s just—” Jin begins again but is soon cut off by Yoongi’s voice. “It’s the worst seaweed soup Ive ever tasted…” He say bluntly and Jimin burst out into laughter. “It’s so bitter. There’s no flavor… It’s like you just boiled water for two hours then added the seaweed in last minute.” Yoongi’s savage confession causes you to freeze in your seat. 

You sit there dumbfounded, your mouth slightly agape… 

‘Is he really going to embarrass me like this in front of the rest of the guys?’ You internally ask yourself

Of course he is. 

“I mean did you even add sesame oil and where’s the beef?” He continues. “C’mon Kitten. This isn’t it…” He says, almost as if he’s disappointed in you. 

Jimin is laughing so hard that theres no sound coming out of his mouth. He is clutching his stomach in attempt to stop the cramping. Tae is trying to avoid eye contact in order to keep it together. He doesn’t want to laugh in your face like Jimin is doing but it’s hard not to when you are sitting there looking like a deer caught in head lights… 

“Is it really bad?” Jungkook is curious. He picks up his spoon and scoops it into the pot of soup. When he feels he has enough on his spoon, he brings it to his mouth to taste. 

He doesn’t react the way the other do. Instead, he slowly places the utensil down and turns to look at you. “Yeah~” He drags out his word. “I’m sorry baby but, it’s pretty bad.” He admits as he brings his hand up to pat your shoulder, feeling sorry for you. 

Namjoon and Hoseok are the only ones holding it together but, you’re sure they won’t last much longer.

Your face is warmer than usual… You are embarrassed beyond belief and it doesn’t stop there. 

“I mean… I wasn’t going to say anything but…” Namjoon speaks up and you snap your head over to his direction. 

‘Not him too.’ You think. 

“The rice cakes aren’t good either.” He adds. “You’ve got to be kidding me?” You’re flabbergasted. You knew that it wasn’t going to taste phenomenal but you didn’t think they would insult your cooking this badly. “Taste it.” Yoongi demands. He needs you to taste it so you can see that it’s the truth they’re telling you. Your soup sucks. 

Yoongi scoops up some of the broth and leans across the table. He holds the spoon to your lips and you open your mouth for him to feed you. 

The minute the liquid touches your tongue, you wince… Not only because it’s still hot but because it actually does taste horrible. “Oh my god.” You groan, wanting to take back the decision you’ve made to cook in the first place. “It’s so bitter.” You gag, sticking your tongue out dramatically, much like Jimin had done earlier. “So. Fucking. Bitter.” Yoongi nods his head. The room falls silent, expect for the quiet chuckling you hear every few seconds from across the table.

“This is so embarrassing.” You say more to yourself than to the men around you as you look down at your empty plate.

When you look up, all seven men have their eyes on you. The smirks on their faces are priceless… They are trying so hard not to hurt your feelings by laughing. 

“It’s okay… You can laugh.” You give them permission and they don’t even spare you for another second as they all burst into laughter. Jimin is now laughing so hard that he can’t see because his eyes are blurred with tears. 

“I can’t believe you spent two hours cooking just for it to taste this bad.” Jin says through chuckles… You don’t fight the smile that is starting to form on your face… As disappointed as you are, you can’t help but find it funny that you’ve failed so terribly. 

Plus, it’s hard not to laugh when the boys are laughing so hysterically at you. Their laughs are infectious.

“Hey!” You shout over their loud mouths. “At least we have pork belly and rice.” You remind them. “That came out okay.” You utter quietly, the embarrassment creeping it’s way back into your system.

“Yeah!” Namjoon chimes in. “Cut Baby girl some slack! She tried.” He defends you and you smile gratefully at him. “Thank you Joonie.” You say sweetly and he winks at you. 

“Okay, okay.” Jin says, trying to calm everyone else down. 

“This wasn’t a complete fail and we appreciate your efforts Princess.” He commends you. “Thank you Jinnie.” You say contently. 

“Of course Princess.” 

“So… What are we going to do with all this soup and spicy rice cakes? Because I won’t be eating it.” You ball up your napkin and throw it at Jimin’s head after he speaks.

“Shut up.” You groan and he laughs teasingly. “Leave her alone.” Tae speaks, although he is still chuckling. 

“I’m sorry okay but why did you offer to cook when you know you can’t?” Jimin raises questioning brow at you.

“I was just trying to do something nice…” You admit.

“And we appreciate it Angel.” Hoseok is sincere with his word. He grabs your hand under the table and gives it a little squeeze. The gesture makes you feel a little bit better. 

You sigh and sit up straight in your seat, finally deciding to accept your defeat. 

“Maybe I should just stick to rice and ramen…” You say out loud. “I like that idea!” The boys clap simultaneously. “Rice and ramen is a good.”  Jimin pips up and you giggle. “And pork belly too.” Jungkook adds. “The pork belly really is delicious.” He pops another piece into his mouth. 

‘Glad I did something right.’ 

You gaze at the food on the table. You’ve only made four dishes but you’ve made a lot… Literally so much. You start to feel sick looking at it.

“Seriously… What to do with this big ass pot of soup?” You ask.  

“Don’t you have someone at school you hate? A professor or something… Give it to them.” You burst into laughter at Jungkook’s suggestion. 

“Thats not nice Kookie… Why would I purposefully bring someone food that taste bad?” 

“But you can poison us just fine with this so called seaweed soup? You heartless woman.” Jimin jokes. You leap up out your seat and dash yourself around the table to attack him but he gets up before you can get to him. He runs towards his bedroom. “I’m going to kill you when I catch Park Jimin.” You yell as begin chasing him around the house. 

You are too preoccupied with trying to beat up Jimin, that you don’t notice when Jin picks up your disaster of a soup and brings back over to the stove. 

While he tries his best to save the meal you’d destroyed,  he thinks of maybe getting you some at-home cooking lesson for your birthday…

[promptsforthestrugglingauthor]

Prompt Fill #471

“Well I can’t trust you to make it back by yourself, now can I?” The other returned. “Come on, you absolute moron.

He stared slowly at the dwarf, gruff as ever stocky as all his kind where but there had always been a softness about Dwamer, ever since she had been a small girl he had been there. Every time just appearing. Everyone said the drawers had left with the elves, departing the world of man after the wars, when she had first told her father about Dwamer he had said she imagined it. It had been years now, much had changed. Her father had made her first knight and she had successfully defended the title. She was a woman now, full force and according to many the most dangerous warrior in the kingdoms and still she found herself last night, alone needing the dwarf.

“Tell me what you did knucklehead?” He asked as she walked behind him into the woods. “You know I am the first knight right? No one calls me names.” She said it already knowing his response. “Ya ya whatever, I aint them, I aint impressed by your title or death count, your still the snot faced little girl I found on the beach half dead surrounded by gelfinling crabs defending their nest, which you mindlessly walked into. So what did you do?” “I have kill someone or die trying” she stated flatly, choosing to not pursue a conversation that was a lost cause. “ Aint that your job?” He demanded simply. “No! As first knight my job is to defend the kingdom, you know how it works.” Indignity clearly in her voice, he was right of course. She did in fact kill people, ever since the last Great War it was decided that instead of sacrificing thousands on a battlefield each country would have a fist knight and all conflict that couldn’t be resolved by diplomacy would be decided by single combat. So technically yeah killing was her job, but it just didn’t sound right when you said it that way. “Bullshit sunshine, thats what you do, you have trained your whole life for it, I helped. So what’s really the hang up?” “I cant do it, I love her.” “SPLURT!” The nose of his mead shooting out of his nose as I said the words. “What the fuck did you say?!?!?!” “You heard me you foul mouthed heathen! I said I love her!” “Oh now we are well and truly fucked” he laughed as he took another swig off his flask. “Does she know?” “Yes, we have known each other since we first bled the field.”’ She said it haughtily trying to cover he shame with arrogance. “I am guessing she is a first knight as well?” He seemed to be listening more intently now. “You know this isn’t my thing right? I am a dwarf. I understand war, gold and smithing. Love is easy, either you do or don’t you are or aren’t, these ridiculous human traditions and codes are lost on me.” “I know but I don’t know what to do with this, our kingdoms seem dead set on combat, and if we refuse it will be the first war in hundreds or years all over our love.” “ So its as serious as all that?” He had stopped walking and turned to look at her, stroking his beard as he waited for her response. “Yes, sadly over the last several decades diplomacy has become rarer ad rarer the kings rely on the first knights and pretty much whoever has the best, wins. They barley met for long enough to even exchange titles now.” “Stupid lazy fucking humans, and yall wonder why we left. Always taking the easiest answer, never willing to work. Fucking twats.” “You told me that long ago when I was a child, I didn’t really understand then, but I do now. They have forgotten war, forgotten what its like to carry the weight of the dead into your sleep, they leave it to us.” “Aye girl, you we it now”. He was staring at her now, the softness clear in his eyes. “I don’t know what I can do for you in this one my lady, truly either you fight, or run away together. Personally I would say run and let the kings rot.” “I know, I think mostly I wanted just to talk to you one last time.” Her eyes rimming slightly with tears now “you have been a better friend and parent to me then any other, you have been there for me out of nothing more then love. You have never asked for anything now I ask, this is your last chance. What can i do to repay you sir Dwarf?” “Run” “I can’t” “Win” “I won’t” “You know you can” his voice was cracking as he said it. “Yes but then I couldn’t live. She is my heart.” Tears running freely down her cheeks as she spoke. “Die as you have lived, with honor, grace and a strength of character none of your kings will ever know.” His tears disappearing into his beard leaving streaks in the ash on his face. “I can do that, I love you True Father” the honorific title said it all. “Aye Daughter and I love you”. S he scooped her into his arms hugging her tight, both crying but from pride and love rather then sadness at the aspect of death. Death had been certain since they met, since he agreed to train her. Death in battle was all a first knight could ever hope for.

They parted sometime later, farewells unspoken, both walking away feeling pride and love. She returned to the keep to prepare, the battle was mere hours away.

That evening, the battle settled her body still lay bleeding in the ring not 30 feet away from the victors table an old king leans into his first knight. “But how do you best her? She was your better in combat by miles.” “True my king, in combat” she laughed licking her lips “but. In love she was a pawn, I knew this day might come and I have planned it carefully all along. She fell to here heart and her ridiculous honor.” “A great win my dear, a great win”. The king tipping his cup to her as she laughed.

[fonix-girl]

Hey guys what being ace means you’re not exactly straight. Because even if you’re heteromantic you’re, by the nature of asexuality, NOT heterosexual. You’re asexual. Isn’t that funny.

Guess what being ace has done for me. Well, there’s some good. I learned the word at 17 and suddenly; my whole life made a lot more sense! I no longer felt so broken because I didn’t feel the same things other people did. There was a word for me! It felt great and I was finally able to start having some actual comfort in who I was.

But it’s also gotten me told things like “you’re not ‘ace’”

“that isn’t real!” (Have I mentioned that 90% of the time I tell someone I’m ace I have to explain what it is?)

“Quit being so emotionally closed off, thats what this really is” (funny enough I’m someone with real high empathy levels, fancy that).

“Don’t do labeling yourself like that!” (Um, labels aren’t always bad? If we didn’t label the books in the library they’d all have no titles to distinguish the stories and no one would be able to find anything.)

“Oh, you’ll change/might change your mind one day! You just have to meet the right person!” (What hurts about this one is usually the person is well meaning, but clearly can’t understand what you’ve tried to explain to them and hearing it regularly from someone you love HURTS because it’s one more thing they can’t understand about you that you want them to be able to)

“Oh, can you reproduce by cloning then?” (Hurtful jokes are something I’m sure most lgbtqA+ can relate to. Also, it’s not called asexual reproduction anymore, they relabeled it to a more accurate term, AGAMETIC reproduction.)

“Can you not talk about this around me it makes me uncomfortable.” (This one deeply hurt in partiular because it came from a best friend of several years, and she said it. And I had done nothing more than come out to her, explain what it was (which I almost always have to do when coming out), and get excited over some ace dragon pride stickers I’d found.)

And these are just things I’ve heard. I’m lucky, because I got put somewhere where I’m NOT in a position for things like corrective rape (which is a TERRIFYINGLY HIGH threat aspec people have faced and do face). I’m not in a family that would outright kick me out—but not all gay or trans people get kicked out, either, as It’s a family to family thing.

But the crap I got about it the one time I tried to explain it (not even me coming out, just explaining it like “oh I heard about this thing today” and getting told it was another lable by the devil) made me stay in the closet at home. I’m sure other LBGTQA+ people can relate, right?

And hey, @rnembers guess what. This isn’t all of it, and none of what was mentioned came from strangers on the internet! Most of it came from friends and relatives. But no, clearly there’s no oppression or discrimination against aspec (asexual heteromantics and heterosexual Aromantics, in particular since it seems you count them as “straight”) in real life.

Sorry if I sound salty, I’m rather tired of defending my right to coexist with people. But I do it anyway because hey, maybe someone will learn and with this information change how they think about things and maybe, just maybe, the world might become a better place for all of us to live in. So, have a good day and I hope you’re in good health!

“ace people are invading our spaces and speaking over us and stealing our resources they don’t belong in our community” 

what does this look like to you? what’s the worst thing that’s going to happen if you have a person who identifies as asexual come to a GSA meeting. they’re going to talk about being discriminated against? they’re going to talk about their own experiences oppression? they’re going to talk about their own struggles with their sexuality? they’re going to try to find community with other people who share their experiences? because that’s……so much different from what literally every other person does when they come to a GSA meeting? 

you’re suddenly invested in not stifling the voices of “actual queer people” as if asexual people are widely known for grabbing microphones and filibustering protests. asexual people are still trying to find the courage to be out and to show up at pride events, they’re not speaking over anyone. if anything they’re desperately trying to make their voices heard over the people who are speaking over them. which is typical in our community. white cis men do it all the time. 

and then being afraid of asexual people stealing your resources like this is the cornucopia at the hunger games and ace people are just racing there first, pilfering everything, and leaving the rest of us with nothing. think hard about what you stand to lose if your grassroots queer organizations extend their services to helping ace people – to educating them, to supporting them, to housing them when they’re kicked out by their families, to protecting them when they’re victims of violence/harassment. literally nothing. because this isn’t a zero sum game. what keeps grassroots organizations running is not turning people away over identity politics. it’s by donating your time, your money, and your support to keeping their doors open so that they can help more people. 

ace people are not invading or stealing anything. it’s literally all in your imagination. it’s a narrative you’ve constructed in order to feel justified in your bigotry because exclusionism and identity politics is all you know how to regurgitate. practice some empathy and some critical thought before yet another pride month goes by where we pretend that we as a community have any right to be dictating who stays and who goes like we’re some fucking elite invitation-only cult. 

[fixxofvixx]

HEALING RAVI - CHAPTER TWO

Finally got it done!! I was so stuck for a while! 

 Hope you like this chapter! It should get interesting from here on out~~😎

Also, I may or may not have stolen a phrase from @burnt-enough-starlight

Just let me know if thats ok!! You should know what it is ;)

This is mainly from Ravi’s POV~~

🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺 

For the first time in a long time, Wonshik wasn’t able to sleep for hours on end. He had passed out for about five hours but then his eyes had popped open, wide awake. Knowing JiYoon was probably still asleep he decided to get some things taken care of before coming back to work on some songs. Hopefully, that would keep him busy enough until Noona would let him know it was okay to come over.

It took him twenty minutes to convince his manager to take him out. He had planned to get some things that JiYoon might need since she basically came with nothing. He knew better than to buy clothes for women unless they were there. His sister had taught him that much. He could take her shopping later to get what she really wanted. Instead he opted for basic necessities. Stopping at the first location he gathered several items. A toothbrush, toothpaste, cute pink slippers, socks (that didn’t count as clothes, right?), snacks (she would definitely get hungry sometimes), and finally some headphones. The last item would come in handy for what he had planned next. 

Walking quickly with his manager, Wonshik opened the door to the cell phone shop a couple doors down. It might be a bit rash, but he wanted her to be able to contact someone, hopefully him, in case she needed something. It was difficult to get by these days without a phone. He could also share his music with her if she need something to listen to. 

He picked out the model identical to his and linked it to his account. He knew he couldn’t put her name on the account. It was too risky in case someone looked on his profile. He simply listed it as a secondary phone and activated it. He started to leave when he noticed a stack of phone cases off to the side. But what really caught his attention was a simple black case with the image of a wolf on it. He chewed his lip for a moment, trying to decide if it was too cheesy to get it. Deciding that he would probably regret it later if he didn’t, he grabbed the case, payed for it, and left. 

The others were still asleep when he returned so he slipped of to his room. Tired from shopping he felt that a nap would be better than trying to wrap his head around music when all he wanted to do was wrap himself around JiYoon. He wouldn’t try, of course. That could hopefully come later.

His room looked so much bigger now that Hyuk had moved to Taekwoon’s room. The panther never slept there anymore so it gave way to the opportunity for each member to have their own room. 

He arranged all of the gifts he’d purchased in a bag and snapped the case on the phone before putting that in there too. He knew she was going to try and refuse but he wasn’t going to let that happen. 

Laying back on his bed, his heart jumped with the exciting thought of giving her the gifts he’d picked out for her. He wanted to see her smile genuinely. He would bring her gifts everyday if it meant that smile was directed towards him. He drifted off to sleep with thoughts of her smile in his head.

———————— 

The buzzing of his phone woke him immediately. Grabbing at the device, he noticed a text from Noona stating that she was ordering food soon. He bolted out of bed, showered quickly, and only spent ten minutes figuring out what to wear. He concluded that comfort clothes were better. If he overdressed, JiYoon might feel uncomfortable. He grabbed the bag and headed out the door. Upon seeing Hakyeon, Hongbin, and Hyuk in the living room, he muttered a quick ‘heading over to noona’s’ before sliding out the door.

Taekwoon opened the door and ushered him in. He found Noona in the kitchen arranging some snacks and drinks. She noticed the bag and her eyebrows rose in question.

“I picked up a few things earlier that I thought JiYoon might need.” He could feel the blush on his ears and hoped they would go unnoticed. “She awake yet?” 

“That was kind of you Wonshik, and yes, she’s awake. She’s in the bathroom right now.”

“Got a crush, Wonshik-ah?” Taekwoon leaned on the counter and grinned like the Cheshire cat. 

“What if I do?” Wonshik felt the need to defend himself. He knew that if he denied it, the panther would know. His heartbeat had already given him away.

“Nothing wrong with it. Just take it easy with her. She’s been through too much for her age. She’s not ready for your kinks just yet.”

“I’m not like that! I’m a squishy marshmallow! Tell him, Noona!” 

“Well, I would love to Wonshik but I think you forget that I’ve heard your music. And then there’s the Chained Up era. Who’s idea was that again?” She tried not to smile at teasing him but it broke through anyway. 

“Aw, Noona, hyung’s rubbed off on you too much!” He lowered his head to the counter and sighed. 

She giggled but laid her hand on his shoulder. 

“I’m just teasing, Wonshik. I know very well that you’re a gentleman. And I think deep down, JiYoon knows it too. She was very excited to listen to the music you loaned to her this morning.”

“Really?” He smiled and hugged her. “Thanks, Noona.”

“Hands off, pup. That one’s mine.” Taekwoon stared at Wonshik’s hands wrapped around his girlfriend’s torso.

“Aw, but Wonshik gives great hugs.” She pouted and tugged Wonshik closer. She didn’t let go until Taekwoon started around the counter, fire in his eyes.

Wonshik took off for the living room, giggling. He skidded to a stop when he saw JiYoon step out of the bedroom. Her hair was still damp and she smelled amazing. Her eyes widened a bit at the commotion but smiled shyly when he spotted Wonshik.

“Hi.” Her voice was quiet and beautiful as always.

“Hello.” He could hear her heartbeat increase slightly and he prayed it wasn’t fear. 

“Did you sleep well?”

“Oh! Yes, I did. Thank you very much for the music. I really enjoyed it. I’ve missed music so much. There were a few older songs. that I recognized from before…” She stopped suddenly but took a deep breath. “But it was comforting to hear them again. Oh, I have your player here.” 

She walked over to the couch and retrieved the device. It was lying atop a small notebook with what looked like song titles scribbled on it.

“I hope you don’t mind but I wrote a few songs down that I really liked before I fell asleep.” She blushed slightly and he suddenly wanted to hug her.

“Yeah, of course! Which ones did you like?” 

She picked up the notebook and handed it to him. He didn’t miss the fact that she held onto the notebook from the very edge so as to make sure that their fingers wouldn’t touch. It pained his heart to know that she has to avoid things like this. He enjoyed hugging and touching people. It made him feel closer to them. Maybe one day… 

He reached for the notebook and made sure he didn’t touch her. Regardless of what Taekwoon had said, he made every effort to be a gentleman. He looked over the list and noticed some of his favorite songs were on there. Even a couple of his own songs had made the list. Pride swelled within him. He wanted to jumped around the room in joy but didn’t want to scare her.

“These are some good choices.” He handed the list back to her. He copied her movements from before and only held onto the very edge of the notebook so she wouldn’t feel burdened to reach for it. 

“Yeah. I really like these type of melodies. Especially where…”

He listened to her explanation of the songs and realized that she really knew music. Using the correct terminology and jargon to explain further, he fell in love all over again. She trailed off when she realized that he was staring at her. She turned slightly pale.

“Did I say something wrong? I’m sorry if I-”

“No, no! I was just surprised that you knew all of that. You have a background in music?”

“There was a lady in the orphanage that I was in before. She was a music teacher and saw that I had taken an interest in it. She taught me the basics. But that was over four years ago.” She put her head down as if she was reminiscing about her past. He didn’t want to make her explain further. She already looked like she was in so much pain. 

Suddenly, he remember her gifts. “Oh!” He mentally kicked himself when he saw her jump. Dammit! “Um, I was out earlier-for an entirely different reason-and decided to get a few things. I knew you didn’t really have anything with you so I bought a couple things.” He lifted the bag to her and she just looked at him, surprised.

“Go ahead, take it. Its not much but we can always get what you really want later.” 

She slowly took the bag from him and sat on the couch. He sat on the floor in front of her and watched. He had purposely moved the phone to the bottom of the bag earlier so she wouldn’t be overwhelmed right away. A slow smile spread on her face as she took out each item. She mumbled here and there about how cute something was. She held up the socks and claimed that they were perfect and she loved socks. He made a mental note to buy several hundred later. When she reached the phone, her eyebrows clutched together in confusion. She handed it towards him. 

“You left your phone in here.”

“No, I didn’t. That one is yours.”

“What?! No! I can’t take this. Its too expensive! Once I get a job, I can pay you back for the other things but I would never be able to pay you back for this!” She tried to hand it back again but he refused. 

“I don’t want you to pay me back for any of it. Its called a gift for a reason. I want you to be able to contact one of us if you need to.”

“No, I can’t. I would feel so guilty using it. Its a wonderful gift, Wonshik. But I just can’t take it. I’ll get a job soon and get one.”

Seeing that she was probably going to be very stubborn about this, he came up with an idea.

“How about this? You can work for me. In my studio.”

[pleaseimtryingtogetbetter-blog]

An In-depth Analysis of Myself: the first critique

All the names are changed, and upon looking at the title there will be no end of self analysis. just letters upon letters to me, about me. This was written a few months ago, so who knows how im feeling now. try not to jude me too hard, whoever you are.

I'm so tired of feeling like crap about myself. I have good days and I have bad days. I'm so insecure no matter how hard I try to be confident. I like who I am on the inside, not the out. I know they say the outside doesn't match the inside, but what if it did? Is my outside appearance a direct reflection of who I am inside? Why do I look like this? Why wasn't I born beautiful?

I'm always going to be a big girl. And I'm slowly becoming okay with that. My legs don't bother me, or my arms. It's my middle. My large broad shoulders, the rolls of back fat that ruin any dress or short sleeve. And my big huge stomach that's never satisfied. I hate anything right on my body, anything that sticks to my skin makes me uncomfortable. I need things to be loose to hide the larger components of my body. Most just say eat right and work out, and while I agree, it's not that easy. All my life people think it’s okay to comment on my weight. The doctors, my family, and people who claim to be my friends. It ha always taken a dark toll on me, i developed self destructive behavior at such a young age part of me thought I was lying to myself. That I made up the eating disorder. I never ate anything. For some reason, it didn't bother anyone. They thought i was dieting because i only ate once a day. I got really skinny for my body type that summer. Going into middle school i slowly got better, until i was unhealthy in the opposite extreme. My parents ask why couldn't i put myself on another diet like i had before, they didnt realize i was sick. i didnt realize i was sick. i realized they couldn't see what i was doing to myself. For a while, I thought i was doing really well. I didn't deny myself what i wanted, and i felt comfortable.

Of course like all good things, it came to an end. I don't want to project this on anything other than myself, but i cant help but blame others. For some reason, i thought that since i was going to therapy i was getting better. Unfortunately thats not all that goes into it. The therapist can only do so much, the rest comes from you. Compared to my junior year, senior was way better. Or so i thought. Scholastically, senior year was better. My relationship with my mother was better. Everything should be going my way, but I'm still unhappy. I thought i kicked depressions ass, because i didn't feel so gray all the time anymore, once i realized i had everything i needed to be happy, good grades, great friends, and college acceptance, yet i wasnt, and that told me i wasn't cured just yet. I feel lousy all the time, plagued by mediocrity. Which can stem to all kinds of other issues, but for now let’s focus on my dissolving self confidence. Its not just my body i hate but my face too. My acne is crippling, getting worse everyday. Makeup doesnt do the trick anymore. At the end of the day the makeup wipe reveals the true ugliness beneath, not like the mask was any better. And for a while, i challenged myself to not wear makeup for a while. Sadly that only lasted a few days. You can have a great day, and one comment can ruin you. You see, my makeup less face oddly gave me confidence. Confidence to show who i truly am and to let myself breath. Ultimately, one comment destroyed that all in .002 seconds.

Remember how i said i didn't want to reject blame? Well I'm going to try and justify other peoples actions anyway. Jake is one of my friends. Honestly for a little bit i thought i liked him, but i only liked the attention and i often looked to him for validation because it was the only male friendship without any strict platonic mood placed on it. I can be honest with myself and admit that i was mainly attracted to the idea of us together because he was new, and i could make someone else jealous. However the stark difference between us enlightened me to see that we could never be together because we would never work. He is the opposite of what i want. He isn't goal driven and is often derogatory. Yet, I still look to him for validation just the same. Anyway, for some unknown reason, the last month he has made constant comments on my appearance. Im not entirely sure if he always did this, and I'm just barely noticing, or he is stating because we are slowly becoming more comfortable with one another. He has made comments that have really hurt my feelings. And it is a consistent behavior with him. He has made comments on my weight, my body, my height, my behavior, and my acne. He has made attacks on almost every inch of my being. And what angers me the most is that i often defend hid behavior to my friends. The last few weeks, there has not been a class period where i have left without feeling gross about myself. I excuse this behavior because i know he is equally insecure about everything i am in different perspectives. Yet, this behavior towards me is not acceptable. His comments destroy any inch of confidence i have left in me. I try not to comment on peoples appearance and if i have, i apologize. Jake also suffers from acne and we talk about it a lot. On my no makeup challenge, i anticipated a comment from him, and i shouldn't have to. he said “now that I've seen your real acne i feel better about mine” How does he think thats okay to say to someone who is obviously insecure about how they look? I wear heavy makeup, and he has commented on that as well. Why do people feel the need to comment on my appearance and attack the most vulnerable parts of me? If it can't be fixed in 5 minutes don't say anything. His verbal abuse, while unbeknownst to him, real contributes to my own self hatred. It fuels my fear of being unwanted. He is a close friend, but also a bully in my life.

Fear of being unwanted undoubtably comes from my father abandonment. He left at a young age for reasons I'm too scared to know and i have zero memories of him. I am extremely thankful for my mother and all she has done for me, but there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about him. Why did he leave? Was he not ready for a child? He has other children with another women and i often wonder if they know about me. Either unfortunately or fortunately, daddy issues is a common trope in todays society. I connect with many characters in media. Like Barney from How I Met Your Mother, Rebecca from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and Gabriel Iglesias’ own experience with his father. Like them, my father tried to contact me when i was about 15. Ultimately i said no and did not want contact with him. At 18, i am still not comfortable with the idea of having a relationship with him. He has hurt me deeply and I am not ready to forgive him for that. His abandonment makes me feel like i wasn't enough for him, and that i never will be. Probably the reason i find it so hard to connect with males. I can never truly trust them, much like i can never truly trust anyone because everyone leaves me in the end.

One thing i want to talk about is what happened with Oliver. He is not guilty in any reason, and if you look at it, a minuscule problem in my life. I finally got the guts to tell him how i feel about him, i kinda chicken out and wrote him a letter, but writing my feelings is more therapeutic than saying it, clearly. I told him knowing a relationship wouldn't result. And i think that that is the only reason that made me do it. Yes i genuinely have feelings for him, but i am no way ready for a relationship. Of course i want to make him happy and be with him, but i don't want to know what real heartbreak is, because I'm pretty sure i am heartbroken over myself. If that makes any sense at all. Anyway, i was denied and am okay with it. But it is another experience that makes me feel unworthy of anything real. I have never had anyone show interest in me, and while it is superficial, i long for a little attention. To verify that i am wanted. That i am beautiful. All of which i do not believe in, i want others to, and that is unhealthy. 

Compared to my friends, who are gorgeous, i am the ugly duckling, and I'm okay admitting to it because i know no one else will. Actually my relationships with everyone seem as artificial as my hair color. All my friendships and family relationships seem to be temporary. I know everyone has someone they like more than me. Jennifer is my best friend, but i know she secretly prefers Rebecca or Penelope over me anytime. Daisy is one of my best friends, but i know my recent actions have made her hate me and i walk on eggshells with her now. Isabella is like my sister but i know I'm a third option to her. Behind Yolanda and Trina, and Brandon, Im someone in the background to fall back on. Vanessa is someone i treasure but i know she would prefer a night out with Kristina or anyone else. I know it’s selfish to want to be someones priority, but feeling unimportant to everyone is real hell. I feel like people keep me around because I'm dependable, and I'm tired of it. I look out for everyone, so who the hell looks out for me?

I do the most for my friends. I go above and beyond for everyone, and i notice i set the bar so high for friendship i feel like i don't have any. I want someone to be there for me like i am for everyone else. I look at myself as a lone wolf, but being alone weakens you faster. I am unable to look inside myself and find real strength. All i find is weakness.

I am sick to my stomach because i am so disgusted with myself. I am scared out my mind because no one notices I'm not okay. I cant ask for help, because i don't want people to look at me differently. I am very candid with the fact that i am mentally ill, and pride myself that i go to therapy, but laying a lot of my flaws out on the table is not easy. i know that this paper does not contain all things that i do not like about myself, but for now it is an installment.

If I ever send this to you, i am not attacking you. I am not looking for attention or compliments or sympathy. I am simply being honest with myself and need to write it out. I am hurt and i can feel a self destructive behavior coming over me and this is a signal to be on alert for any alarming actions i might do. Do not smother me, it will only anger me. Do not bombard me with questions about my sanity or overly ask if I'm okay, as i am not clearly sure myself. If you reached this point i am worried that you are scared for me, and my safety. And while i feel that I am being dramatic and this is a crazy disclaimer, this is NOT a suicide note. I am not going to kill myself. I could never do that to my family and cannot put Jennifer through another suicide. If I ever send you this, I am sharing something very personal and ask you to keep this just between us and not show anyone else. I am someone who struggles with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, sleep issues, and deep rooted fears. And while it may seem contradictory to what i have previously stated, I will be okay.