#thats also how they took away bojack horseman

[icurushasfallen]

Here's my take on this post

Okay, so I have my own theory. I’d like to think Wade wasn’t loved as child and has serve abandonment or attachment issues. Through the movieverse, we see Wade as this goofy guy. He’s quick-tongued and annoying and had an extremely crude sense of humor. But I think there has to be some truth in his jokes.

Wade was never comforted as a child. When he cried, his mother was the type to watch in silent resentment. I think Wade’s mother was similar to Beatrice HorseMan from the Netflix Show Bojack HorseMan.

Wade, in the comics, was a love Affair of Slade Wilson and his sister-in-law at the time, Hailey Wilson.

As a child, Wade was raised by his mother and his uncle, Mickey, whom he believed to be his biological father.

He later gave many conflicting reports regarding his childhood. Among these was his claiming that his father abandoned his mother while she was pregnant with him and she took out her anger on him until, as an adult, he beat her instead. He also claimed that his mother died when he was five and that his father, an army officer, became abusive, causing Wade to grow up to be a thug and criminal.

When his father got his act together and tried to rein in his son, one of Wade's friends shot and killed him. On another occasion, he told a writer that his father was a teller of bad jokes who abandoned him and his mother while he was a boy. And because of this his mother turned to humor, alcohol and home shopping networks as a coping mechanism. He believed that he ran away from home so that his mother wouldn't need to spend what little money she had left on him. All of these accounts appeared to either be false memories implanted in his mind or lies made up by himself. (All stated verbatim by the Deadpool Wiki)

But me frankly? I think the first statement had some truth in it. Hailey had a run-away affair with Slade in my opinion. Slade probably left for one reason or another, leaving them both broke and borderline homeless.

Theres not much Hailey, but I like to believe she was a young woman down on her luck and got herself pregnant with Wade. She then started to resent Wade and maybe even beat him at times. His uncle? A drunk and (Im my interpretation of Wade) the start of Wade’s trauma induced Hypersexuality.

I like to think he did kill his mother accidentally. Maybe in a fire (A motif to the fire would trapped in later as adult after his mutation)

And circling back, I believe thats why Wade has such a soft spot for kids. Like Russel in Deadpool 2. He see’s a child in his same situation more or less and realizes the kid in like him in a way. He was never comforted and therefore comforts others. I.E his humor and remarks. Maybe it’s not how other people comfort. But I like to think that it wasn’t always bad with his mother. And maybe they did bound over the odd joke or two. But whatever the reason, I think Wade just needs to comfort others in order to comfort himself.

I’m in the works of writing a fanfic based on this. It’s gonna be Christmas themed in lue for the holiday season and whatnot. But if you’re interested in a synopsis, I’d be happy to deliver.

@atimesfeeler @twilightkitkat @icarusredwings @ramblingautisticman

[sout999]

adhd talk

the third truly unsung project alongside my film and dissertation was the weird amount of targeted effort i had to put into Completing Anything Big As A Neurodivergent Person Whose Brain Is A Crazy Off The Rails Train Staffed and Patronised Entirely By Multiple Exact Copies Of The Squirrel From Ice Age

which is a description like 99/100 people reading this can relate to, but i think a sentiment i see less often and therefore feel kind of stupid and stubborn and lonesome about is "adhd is innate but is also exasperated by hectic lifestyle/modern instant gratification machines so if i fix my habits around those i can cure myself forever". which is silly and wrong but also i feel abit disconnected from adhd social media culture and cant cope just relating to it (which is all it seems to be sometimes) but learning to harness or tame it to do the things that are really important to me

i felt really cringe tbh having to look up youtube videos of HARVARD STUDENT REVEALS PRO STUDY TRICK and then narrowing it down to specifically adhd-focused study videos and keeping a planner and setting aside specific time to study studying and practising anti-academic meltdown journaling techniques and reading fucking atomic habits but i really didn't want to contribute to my abhorrent academic record following me all through undergrad. in fact i wish i had done this sooner but i was not self aware enough to consider the fact

probably the best change i made was severely cutting down or being mindful of social media time, i don't backread my tl anymore and have more moments of awareness when i find myself dumbly scrolling and realize i dont want to be doing this, and then wondering what i actually Do want to be doing. i keep a book nearby to read, and have also swapped a lot of social media time to sketching-off-pinterest time. reading about the psychology behind social media apps is also super interesting, although i always feel like a paranoid wacko conspiracy theorist talking about it. stuff like how negativity and judgemental behaviour is good for engagement (and therefore ad revenue), and how if all posts on your tl were interesting you wouldn't be as addicted to social media as you are, therefore microblogging employs a slot machine/gacha system where you "roll" for posts by logging on and hope to get a good one. it's a little full on but the more i think of it as a revolting and evil machine the more incentive i have to do something else with my time ^q^

a harder thing to do was, in the late stages of the project, the real crunch time month, avoid everything that could become a huge hyperfixation, and then eventually even minor distractions or fixations. because i know if i got super obsessed with something i'd just be up posting about it or drawing fanart. i had to bar myself from persona 3 remake and elden ring dlc and all these other shiny new releases, and the mobile games i was playing... i look forward to catching up on them now. i took up reading books a lot more because unfortunately thats just not as exciting. in the last month of film work i stopped listening to music on my computer so i wouldnt get drawing or animation ideas to distract me from film work. as of writing this i havent listened to music in like 40 days guys 😱 at the same time i am the kind of person who needs background noise to work, so i have:

watched novum's four hour hereditary video essay three times

watched novum's seven hour midsomar video essay three times

watched that one five hour bojack horseman retrospective twice

listened to audiobooks of the Britney Spears biography, Jennette McCurdy biography, three Playboy Bunny biographies (i was on some sort of lady bopgraphy kick i guess), and a few fiction books

rewatched all of bojack horseman

started on House MD and got a few seasons in before i finished the project, amazingly the perfect show to look away from bc of all the medical stuff, how many lumbar punctures do you need to show like seriously

honorable mention to the learned skill of communication and being honest and picking your battles and killing your darlings which is a larger part of managing mental illness than i cared to admit but one of the hardest ones because it involved confronting things and making big painful drastic changes and then having to tell the faculty about them. sometimes i'd be stuck on a piece of animation work for weeks/months, then go back and change the underlying idea to one i'm actually passionate about, and do the animation work in one day using newly found magical hyperfocus passion power. it's crazy! but being able to be confident about taking those steps rather than keeping on with what you're "supposed" to do went a long way.

i very much look forward to listening to a music and playing some video games properly now and being pulverized like a small victorian child from the sheer amount of fun i'm having. i'd say it was all worth it and a fun experiment in channeling the magical humours of passion and boredom and i hope it will help me with future projects too. i Am super burnt out though x__ x thanks for reading and for all your support up until now!

[bojackhorsemanobviously]

I watched bojack in 2022 here are my thoughts on the show in honor of the s1 anniversary

BJ/Sarah lynn: Yeah i saw that coming a mile away it didnt gross me out like a lot of othersbut. it sure was weird cause every flashback he saw as what 8 years old? weird. i don't consider it nonconsenual as it felt s5 tried to imply, cause sarah lynn is a fully grown adult but man it was def weird / also through most of it bojack was a complete sucker/.. but man the woodyallenvibesbestrongheresigh

didn't like PB/Diane on rewatches how he goes about throwing a big party after knowing diane hates them when she says YES: Big Red Flag.

am i wrong for thinking that the show doesn't give enough agency to some of the women characters, cause Jessica Biel was just insane im not gonna pin it all on PB for why that relationship soured, katrina i got feel more for but ms cannibal justnahfam. and screw ana/angela too. him going to seek closure from his abuser will always be gross..

I was mad at bojack for 2 days after the penny episode. Bojack Chris hanson wants a word with you.

And yet I still want to hug him whenver I see his sad horsy face.

I didn't like the reporter stitx shrugs.. seeing bojack also get better only for it tocrash down was a bummer to watch..

its intersting how he treats his life as a sitcom tho even up till season 6 the many faces of depression/ escape to LA/ Prickly Muffin/Too much man.. boy tries so hard to life a sitcom life of course its gonna blow up in his face.

Notice how Todd however getts to mostly live a zany sitcom life?

Hank the hippo makes me eye more than just bill cobsy

sarah lynn/sobs at jenneate and all the abuse in hollywood in general glad the kids are doing sober tho.. as miley/lindsey /britney are doing well..

sharona never should have given bojack that spiked orange juice

watching bojack in his 30s/50s near angela im just, man this guy has ZERO backbone its sad

PB: gay for Bojack

Fav quotes: This penis has been inside this vagina

Everyone Deserves to be Loved

Made me cry ugly tears: Bojerb/ Bodiane

Hate: Beatrice horseman

fav: Bojack probably obvious.

fav episode: I think bojack hates the troops is pretty funny.

its cool how his flashbacks have a sitcom vibe to it.

I feel i try to border on not excusing bojack but understanding how itcan be so hard to be anything than what he became cause his parents gave zero love zero esteem and he was set up to fail at relationships. clearly he hatese himself bec too bad for him ne bascially became his parents alcholicsm, advantage of women, insulting hisson i mean friend Todd similar to how bea treated him.

I don't like the plot for sarah lynn death as i feel its take to much responbility off a adult women who had a wall full of drugs , found the heroin and took it of her own free will.. and prefer the ide of bojack being at fault for just being a enabler..

sarah lynn predicated it well that she would hang out with enablers and die young, speaking of enablers im annoyed at pc for inviting bojack to her buisness party and trying to get him back in the hollywood spotlight like why girl just why??

love todd/bojacks ending it was very sweet

i suppose thats all i have to say ... this is just a ramble of my scrambled brain thoughts of the show.. xd.

[clownkiwi]

what the faaaaaaaace

they took megamind off of netflix?????

[starrypawz]

Ok i don’t tend to talk much about ace stuff on here but that post I reblogged pretty much summed things up for me? (It’s hard to work out your orientation full stop)

I’d rather people not reblog this post ok

Also apologies because I ended up rambling a lot 

I sort of grew up just like ‘Well i guess I’m straight?’ I remember ‘learning what gay and lesbian meant’ before I finished primary school (probably not in a necessarily positive way because kids are assholes like that but you know I knew what they were) and that I knew that people get married and so well... I guess I’d eventually get married? (Not necessarily an ace thing but I never like really imagined stuff to do with that)

But I remember in primary school when boyfriends and girlfriends started happening and being a bit like ‘uh ok?’and like talking about people being attractive and like ‘uh ok? I don’t get this’

But I mean I was an awkward nerd kid (I still am an awkward nerd ok) and it was like ‘Well I’m not interested? Why are people interested? I’d rather just keep reading books and doing other stuff that everyone seems to have outgrown’ I’m just a kid ok. 

I didn’t have a lot of friends and spent a lot of my childhood and teens quite socially isolated in all honesty. I know in a sense probably some of my social development was a bit jacked up. Also chuck in dyspraxia too and it’s a bit of a mess over there,

I  grew up in a Christian household, now it wasn’t so much like ‘you are banned from dating’ or anything but my parents didn’t talk much about relationships and stuff with me, they’ve never pressured me like ‘You need to date’ or ‘Get married’ or ‘Grandkids now!’ but that and a Christian school sort of just like enforced ‘You just don’t talk about sex, that’s for when you get married and you get married cause you’re supposed to GOD WILL LEAD YOU TO THE RIGHT PERSON’  like not directly? but it was there it wasn���t normal to talk about this stuff

I think when I was around 16 I sort of had a few thoughts like ‘i guess a boyfriend would be nice? I don’t know’ but didn’t put much thought in it, guessed I’d maybe find someone. At 16 I was suddenly chucked back in the real world and around ‘normal’ people my own age after leaving my weird church school . I remember a few cases of ‘we’re talking about sex ehehehe sex!’ and I was just incredibly uncomfortable in those conversations but I mean i was a weird sheltered kid so ofc i’d be uncomfortable right? 

Also online growing up I was sort of exposed to slash and shipping and was a bit like ‘uh ok i don’t get this? people do this but why? IT’S WEIRD’ (thats changed ngl)

Then in about 2012 (20-21 y/old)  at this point for some reason I got it in my head to try online dating? i found a website/app that seemed pretty friendly. I met a guy we start talking we’re getting along pretty well he seems nice. It’s nearing the time there’s a con, there’s a vague idea ‘hey if i go we can meet up in person’, he makes suggestions we should hook up, I’m like ‘Uh I’m not sure’ (I mean we’ve not met in person and so you know it doesn’t seem safe and tbh that was probably the good option anyway) but he seems ok with it we agree to keep talking but that doesn’t happen we can’t get past that awkward hump. I also at that point had gone from ‘further education college’ to ‘unemployed and on benefits’ it was in all not a great point, we don’t talk again It’s not just the awkward conversation but also the mental state I was in.

Then i remember starting to think, starting to sit down. I’d kinda come across the term Ace in a community I was in that wasn’t tumblr but didn’t think much of it other than ‘ok that’s a thing’ but yes tumblr educated me a heck of a lot about stuff ok. I started thinking

Wait why do i think I’m straight? I have no evidence for this? wtf? WHAT IS GOING ON OVER HERE PLEASE SEND HELP

I mean that stuff above all reasons why maybe I was but just very sheltered and lacking a social network as it were (as in a network of people) to go out and hey go and find mr dream man?  I’m just a late bloomer, it’s not the right time, I’m not looking for a relationship right now

But then it was like ‘wait i’ve never crushed on anyone i think? not really?’ ‘Not really on any celebs or people I’ve known or seen?’ and yeah it threw me for a loop a bit. 

Then yes it started clicking I didn’t really seem to feel anything? About anyone?No matter the gender. I mean other than ‘well aww relationships seem nice? I like reading stuff about them? I like seeing happy couples?’ but me in one? me perusing one? wtf is all that about? 

I could see someone and it’s like ‘oh that’s a nice looking person’ but it’s like ‘ok and what does she do with this information?’ people would talk about I WANT TO SLEEP WITH THIS CELEBRITY/MARRY THEM and I’m like ‘I would like to be friends with them? i would like to meet them they seem a nice person’ 

Over time I got used to sex scenes and talking about sex and I learned more about it. it no longer makes me uncomfortable, I’ll discuss it for characters cause ‘hey it’s sort of an element of character development’ and ‘it can be part of a couple’s dynamic’ like ‘Well sex happens’  and well sometimes it can be funny or sweet to come up with scenarios that happen between two characters and so forth. 

I enjoy reading and writing relationships, i enjoy seeing strong couples, i enjoy shipping them together and so forth. I think that stuff is good. Please give me all the media with good relationships, let me embrace the diversity and so forth.

This process of ‘unpacking’ probably took two years and then for for 2 years? I think I’ve been like ‘Ok I’m like 99.8% sure I am ace in some form?’ the little bit is to cover ‘i might be something else and don’t know it yet’ 

I doubt it quite often though that little ‘Maybe I’m a bit screwed up?’ ‘Maybe I’m just too sheltered/too much of a hermit to meet people’ and so on. it’s tiring being under the Questioning Q at times.

But that’s it, it’s just like ‘Nothing there’, it is like that scene from Bojack Horseman with Todd for me. I understand what makes someone ‘sexy’ apparently according to mainstream standards, I can identify an attractive person, I know what love is, I know what relationships are, i know what sex is and so forth but it’s all theoretical? 

It’s like.. how a bird flies I may be able to learn everything about it and then tell you how a bird flies  but I don’t have wings I can’t actually experience what it is to fly with a pair of wings. I just know about it but I don’t seem to feel it. There’s a disconnect of some sort between it and myself like ‘the info is there but what do i do with it?’ fish and a bicycle.

I’m not scared of relationships or commitment, i’m not scared of intimacy and sex i think, I kind of want intimacy (I’m kinda lonely at times in all honestly)  it’s not like I want to run away from it as such. I do think I kind of maybe want a romantic relationship at least once but as to with who I am not sure. But in a sense the thought of entering dating seems a bit of a mindfield considering I can’t even answer ‘Who do you like?’ at this point. And well i’m pretty sure ‘mainstream dating’ is not the place for me, it’s a scary place. 

As far as I can tell I’m not ill, everything works as it should do. Nothing physically/chemically wrong with me. 

I’ve generally been ‘ok’, but then at the same time i’m not really out. I mean to ‘real life’ people I know. People I think just assume I’m chronically single or something. I’ve had a few conversations with people where I’ve just wanted to yell I AM ACE I DO NOT KNOW LEAVE ME ALONG OK PLS THANK YOU

I can’t say if I’m an ‘aroace’ I’m not sure, i don’t think I’m aro but then I can’t really say if I particularly experience romantic attraction to people either I’m still muddling this out over here and have no idea in what direction that’s going to go if any. 

I guess end of this, I am going to be 25 in a couple of days, and well. I’m like 99.8% I am asexual in some form.  

I am ace. 

[gardenwitchofthenorth]

I Have :) A Broken :) Foot:)

a complaint by me, 

so im a witch and an empath and i own reptiles and cats and i love my garden and 

and my life has gone completely fucking of the rails.

let me start from the beginning (read on if you want to hear how depression just gets worse and how I’m so close to ending my life )

so the beginning

I would like the beginning to be when I quit school, but its way before that. why would I like it not to be? well I thought my life was pretty good then, but apparently the decisions I made then led me to be an injured dropout with little to no hope of surviving 

anyway, the beginning. 

honestly? it was after my sophomore year of college. something during that summer changed. I would say I dont know what it was but im done lying to myself (no matter how much it pains me to admit how much I royally fucked myself) 

I had recently been diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder) and made the first step to treatment (that wasnt just crying on my school counselors chair every thursday)

I went on medication. had a whole freak out over it. didnt want to be dependant on anything blah blah 

so I thought, “yay medication means no scary phonecalls with my insurance people and therapy places” 

Fuck me. Fuck 19 year old me. I should have gotten therapy like I was TOLD to do by every fucking person in my life. but I didnt. 

So I took my meds and then I didnt take my meds and then I did. And then I went back to school.

Summer had been hellish. so I thought the fall would be better. I was president of Alliance (my schools lgbtq organization) and I was an lgbtq student peer leader AND I was the secretary of SGA

Cool right?

no. I was not ready. because my dumb ass thought that my meds would work, I got a dorm room TO MYSELF (what the fuck was I thinking) and didnt seek the FREE counseling. 

so needless to say, My grades tanked. First semester of my junior year? failed. 

I didnt even make it to finals because in december, my fiance (who was four hours away) calls and tells me his brother died. 

so I go home, miss finals, fail my semester. 

Now I have a grieving family and funeral things to work with. I wasnt gonna go back. 

so what do I do? sign up for classes “just in case” 

and my financial aid comes in 

I shit you not, it was $2000

and guess what my empathetic ass did? 

I fuckin went back to school so I could give $800 of that refund to my fiance's mother.

which I do not regret by the way. Of all the shit thats happened in the last year, I do not regret becoming closer to her. she is an amazing woman 

So as this is all going on, I am also having an identity crisis. Now I already identify as Demisexual and Bisexual. But I was battling with being Polyamorous as well. 

so in order to get a handle on all of this before i go back, My two friends, Britney and Samma want me to stay at their place for the semester so they can help me because they know I’m struggling. They are also poly. thatll come in later

so I go back to school, unprepared and unorganized, terrified and depressed. 

long story short on this part: Britney and I start dating. 

I love her I love Samma and I love their kids. 

my fiance, however, is, you guessed it, monogamous 

he says hes cool with it and stupid me believes him and everything is okay for like, 3 months. 

by this point its like, march? i’ve given up on school and am just going to let myself get suspended.

because my depression has gone from bad to worse and I want to die. 

I hurt myself 

I wind up in the hospital for 6 days until I feel safe enough to go home. 

and things continue to be shitty. Britney is also Demisexual, but apparently, by like the end of april(?) i bypass her demi. 

and shit gets real.

britney wants to have sex with me. My fiance is not comfortable with it and neither am I  

my partners start getting at each other and samma becomes so depressed she cant function. i go home for a bit, (four hours away) and britney cheats on me. 

so I go back after a week and things are okayish(?) 

but then we wind up having all sorts of fights, and it gets really personal and things get out of hand. Britney and I break up I pack my stuff that I can and spend a week at my best friends house. I get checked out of my dorm (which I still had for some reason, anxiety mostly) and my fiance agrees to come get me in a week. 

(oh by the way my Best friend was also moving apartments at this time. I had to help her surrender her cat to the shleter. )

so things are super shitty and awful. Britney is in a word, toxic. I dont want to go into it but she likes to be the center of attention, which I am used to giving her. until she flips out on my best friend and her boyfriend causing them both to go into (ptsd and autism related) meltdowns. 

a few days later I’m bed ridden because I got the worst period of my life. like physically sick from it. 

and then, the day before im supposed to leave, I fall down the stairs and fracture my toe. so that was a whole ordeal.

my fiance comes to get me, and we drive home and I’m allowed to be miserable for a while.

my friend across the street makes me her maid of honor and my garden is blooming. havent heard from britney in about a week. I have an interview coming up. everything is finally settled down 

until I fall carrying my honorary nephew, fracturing a bone in my foot that cracked when I fell down the stairs. so that was a whole week long thing ending with me being in a cast. 

(my nephew was fine even after I nearly hugged him to death in apology)

so now, I’m a depressed piece of shit who cant do regular tasks around the house.

my interview must not have gone well because they didnt call me back. 

Britney and I had a phone call that didnt end well 

I very seriously thought about casting myself down the stairs yesterday while struggling with my crutches. 

for the past year my life has just been one bad thing after another. I just dont want to be alive any more, 

my daily routine has been waking up at 2pm, watching bojack horseman and playing stardew valley until my fiance gets home from work. 

I feel useless. I cant get a job. I cant help him with anything, and the things I can do are minuscule in comparison to what he can accomplish. I just want to lay down and die. 

but I cant, and I wont. 

I made some horrible decisions in the last year. I did this to myself. I have no one to blame but me. so I guess this is sort of a confession. 

I’m a useless piece of shit.