#thats all the oppinions youll get out of me

[loopscereal]

remake made me look at baby freddy and fred im gonna swerve into oncoming traffic

[strayruway]

Ramblings of a fool | vent

Im tired. Im so fucking tired. One hour into the new year and im so tired. Im done. I love fireworks and i felt the need to smile at them. I try explaining to myself that i dont have to express my emotions over the top like i usually do but i try anyways cuz thats what most people expect from me anymore. If i were to just express myself as muted as i often feel i worry i come off as an asshole or that the person im supposed to be emoting to (?) Will feel less than what i mean to express.

I cant tell if im physically tired or emotionally tired. I dont want to be here. Ill be 19 in 3 months and i was planning on being not here last year.

I wanted to move out last year. The winter before last. The winter of 21 is when i wanted to be out of germany and in america. That was the plan why am i still here.

Im so tired.

Im *so* tired.

I should go to bed but i know ill just bully myself to sleep.

Can i just die or is that too dramatic?

I just want to be with her.

I miss her so much. I love her so much i just want to be by her side for the rest of ever and never leave. Shes my favorite person why cant i be with her. Why is my most important person on the other side of the planet. She so far away i miss her so much.

Why cant i do anything right. Im so useless im still with my parents this was not the plan.

Fantastic way to start this year this is... trying to smile at that which i love, crying and rambling to the internet...

Why *are* you reading this?

Nevermind.

Im so scared. Im *so* scared.

I want to move on with my life but adhd and having gone to a foreign school makes life so hard. Things are twelve tines more complicated than they need to be and then i screw up certain things and just muck things up even worse than they need to be.

Im not even certain about the path im choosing.

Im cute. I know i am. I look like a literal child and specific people treat me so. People like to act like i dont ever know what im talking about and thats affected how i think horribly. Im not stupid. I know what im talking about please just trust my knowledge. Why do i have to justify myself. Ill just sit here all cute n quiet. Cant get mad at me if i just follow what you say all cute n sweet with just a chipper hum in agreement. Why think when you can think for me. Why have my own oppinion when youll just tell me im wrong and belittle me when you do allow me to try and defend or explain myself.

I dont know what i want cuz im just so used to nodding along and accepting whatever comes my way. Ill figure it out anyways so what does it matter. Surprise me. Just always surprise me ill figure it out and ill just be fine dont worry about me.

Dont.

Just dont.

I wont ask for help but that doesnt mean ill turn any help down. Give me something to work with. Anything. Ill figure it out. I always do. Its fine dont worry.

If im not out of here or at the very least have a date before the end of march im either killing myself or moving out.

Whichever sounds most enticing at the time i guess.

Dont take my threats seriously. Im too much of a fucking coward to go through with them.

Happy new year.