#that's what spending time on tumblr dot com does to a person

[forcebookish]

intellectually i know that i wrote today but emotionally it feels like i didn't do anything lol

[thebluestbluewords]

mal apologist 4 life babey

I know that I talk a lot here on thebluestbluewords dot tumblr dot com about how Mal is my favorite, and I truly believe that she thought she was making the best/only choices available to her throughout the Descendants movies, even when those choices are objectively pretty stupid and bad. (this is the setup, I swear)

I’m reading Mal’s Diary for the first time, and every other page is hitting WEIRDLY HARD with how much Mal is a child who was never really given an option outside of what her mother wanted. Which, okay! That’s relatable for a lot of kids, even if their parents aren’t the Mistress of All Evil. A lot of young kids feel like they don’t have agency in their lives, because their parents do have a lot of control over what they can do and believe, even if they’re not…evil about it. And seeing that echoed in a movie where the main theme is about choosing good no matter who your parents are, and making your own path, is great!! It’s a solid message and execution of the theme.

As an adult….it makes me REALLY REALLY sad for Mal that she basically goes from being trapped under her mother’s power, to trapped under the weight of every royal expectation of what she “should” be doing. I know these books aren’t supposed to be that deep, but just….hear me out here.

Mal is a child who was mistreated by her mother for the first sixteen years of her life. Her mother holds all of the power here. Mal doesn’t have a choice in the matter. She can’t run, she can’t hide, and she can’t refuse to leave. Her mother is using her, and Mal knows it, but she also doesn’t have an alternative. Maleficent wants an heir, and she has the power to punish her daughter for the rest of her life if she doesn’t comply. Mal doesn’t start out the movie with any real agency, because her mother has cut off all of her options.

She’s been raised by a mother who will not miss her. Maleficent took ZERO convincing to send her daughter off to boarding school with no gaurentee that she’d ever return. Maleficent was the one convincing the other three parents to send their children off the isle. She doesn’t see Mal as a person, she sees her as a tool. Mal might know that she’s valuable to her mother, but she’s valuable in the same way that a hammer is valuable, as a tool. If Mal messes up, she’s grounded for the rest of her life, and I don’t think it’s too far of a reach to assume that Maleficent does truly mean that. A woman who is prepared to put a curse on a baby that won’t activate for sixteen years has the patience to lock her daughter away like a broken toy, and from the way Mal talks about her in the book, I don’t doubt that she’s go through with it. To her mother, Mal is valued as a tool, not a human person with independent thoughts and feelings.

A couple of pages later, Mal is writing about her future. She spends one line on what she might have wanted to be, and then outright says “it doesn’t matter”. Her own desires don’t matter, because her mother wants a mini-villain of her own, and she’s groomed Mal since birth to step up and take on that role.

Even in her own diary, Mal’s only just starting to think that it would be nice if she wasn’t just her mother’s pawn. She’s not seriously considering other options for her future. She doesn’t see those other options as a choice that’s available to her, but she’s finally able to think that maybe, it would be nice if she HAD that choice. Sixteen years. It took Mal sixteen years to get to a place where she’s starting to think that it would be cool if her future wasn’t owned by her mother. She’s only just now in a place of physical safety where she can even wonder if she has options outside of her future being controlled by her mother. Is it any wonder that this girl makes some bad choices as soon as she has any agency?? She’s never had the OPTION to make bad choices before, because all of her actions, every part of her future, was planned out by her mother.

(Why yes, I think about stage mother Maleficent AU all the time. Pushing her daughter to be the best, the most competitive, and most ruthless performer?? Having a vendetta against the rival stage mothers with their daughters who could never be as talented or as Worthy Of Trophies as hers?? Projecting her own glory days onto her daughter?? It’s basically the perfect AU to explore the parent-child relationships of this movie through a more focused lens).

[yomiurinikei]

RYUTARO MAKI!!

okay so i think the reason why asks vanish is bc tumblr won’t load them for me past a certain #. what i get for having unanswered asks ig….

-fucking Sucks at fps games. really good at defense/strategy which he tries to play off as even better and cooler, but. he’s not winning this social battle. lmao get pwned

•^i think kiyoka once teased him and tried to offer to “show him how it’s done”… just to get her ass beat too. it’s calibrated weird!!!

•that said tho i think his soccer interest started getting Serious when his parents bought him FIFA as a preteen. as of the tragedy starting he’d been Deep into football for nearly two years

•knew the Most of Anyone he knew, about Any team. was most fascinated by players and their personal histories, ie when they started playing, etc.

•i think the maki family moved abt a year prior to the tragedy, ryutaro was doing Well socially but he didn’t have a history with any of his friends at the time

•first went ! abt mitch because he’s from a town near where the makis originally lived

•that isn’t all to ryutaros love of mitch though, he genuinely just. Likes him. he’s a Great player. i’m not getting flashbacks to 6.5 intro where we have to hear ryutaro yap. my eye is Not twitching. don’t look at me

•non despair au, has Nooo clue what he wants to do as an adult. i think he spends a while in internship/entry level Hell because he’s so flighty w where he is, what he’s doing, etc. just takes the first job he gets hired at that Works

•did you guys know there’s a difference between an allergy and an oral allergic sensitivity? it’s easier to exposure therapy away an oas…

•ryutaro had issues with a Bunch of fruits, so he exposure therapy’d himself into being able to have them. 

•it was seriously a Lot. he eats fruit salad more often than most because he’s paranoid about redeveloping his sensitivities 

•likes a Lot of different types of music, but like ->

•is So embarrassed abt some of it that half of what he listens to, he listens to via youtube dot com, on a private browser. 

•was sort of clingy to kiyoka as a kid? which she was ^^;; about because she wanted to go play with Her friends. ryutaro got teased for this a bit when he started school

•in general, tended to kinda teeter on the line between liked and disliked? was often in the Background of a friend group. kid who got invited to birthday parties unless the space was limited

•does Really bad living on his own. in canon this is because it was him and his parents post tragedy, not knowing for Sure what happened to kiyoka, for so long. 

•it was scary being somewhere by himself, he hates to admit it but he struggled a lot not being able to walk down the hall to check on his parents in the night. stayed w them for a while after they went to be closer to the foundation post 6.5

•started to live by himself after they expressed wanting to move back to their old home. didn’t want to tie them down… got his own place w/o really discussing it w them

•didn’t talk abt Any of this with Anyone, but did ask minako for help finding an apartment, and i think she talked w his parents casually, as fellow class 79 parents

•…she found a place for him in the same community as she lives in. they never discussed it, and ryutaro doesn’t even know Confidently if it was smthn intentional on her part… but it’s easily the thing she’s done for him that means the Most

•likes the dark in Theory but gets stressed easily. in general, just doesn’t like being alone? he’d like to wander around at night more but doesn’t have anyone to walk with

•tried to work out more post 6.5, both to keep up with the rest of the foundation, and because of how Stressed he was for midori during 6.5. i think he’s p good abt consistency, and his mental health doesn’t explode, but it’s just not Fun for him. not a hobby. he is proud of his progress tho

•also a big fan of dogs, but they’re less of a novelty to him than they are to midori. likes bigger breeds. 

•Geeeenuinely thought kiyokas invite to hpa was a prank. laughed @ her to himself then got stressed for a minute when it was clear she was Really “falling for it”. out of everyone in the family, he was the one who got the most light headed when they confirmed authenticity. 

[osaemu]

mini-announcement, i probably won't be posting/interacting over the weekend because i have a big tournament and i'll be spending time with my team !! just a heads up in case you're wondering why i haven't replied to you or your ask yet :,) sorry about that 🤍

cw: discourse under the cut.

i didn't want to have to make this post, but lately i've been receiving a lot of anonymous asks about a certain blog and unfortunately, it's gotten to a point where i feel like i have to address it. don't take this post as being hateful in any way—this is just something i just wanted to get off my chest. this isn't a big deal, so no reblogs either, thanks.

the bottom four asks all came within a span of five minutes, so i think it's a reasonable assumption to make that they were all sent by the same person. as for who that is, i'll get into that at the end of the post.

but first of all, i can say without a doubt that i have a personality of my own. case closed. nobody's actually said how we're similar in any way, so i'll assume these are all from no-lifes who couldn't find anything better to hate on.

second of all, my netflix banner was actually inspired by another blog, who i won't namedrop for the sake of their peace. and either way, our banners don't even look similar, nor do either of us own netflix. x x

and finally, those are actually the two most braindead asks i've ever received. are we copyrighting letters now? does anyone own the letter e?

don't compare blogs/writers—it's never ended well, and it never will.

even after getting these asks, i still didn't say anything about it because.. i don't really care. everyone's entitled to their own opinion, and what you think of me is up to you.

moving on, i think tee left tumblr sometime in between that time and now, and i was told by a mutual that i was mentioned within the post. if i'm being completely honest, i didn't read all of it because we have each other blocked anyways and it was a lot to read through.. so i skimmed over the bit about me, but didn't really see anything of interest, which is why i didn't address it.

i also had anons on at the time, and i did think it was interesting how i didn't receive a single ask about tee from then up until today, about a month later. up until a couple hours ago, i hadn't even thought about her because, again, i don't care. this is tumblr dot com, not my love life. most of the drama here is over pixels anyways, so i don't waste my day thinking about it.

neither of these are particularly interesting, but the fact that you weirdos are still associating me with someone who i'm not even mutuals with is.. not to my liking.

idk what false accounts the second anon's talking about, because i don't go looking for drama. if you need proof, here's how many sideblogs i have... (click the image)

zero!

as for the idea that i'm jealous of tee, i'm perfectly fine with the amount of followers i have now. i've always been open about my satisfaction with my interaction rates, and that hasn't changed.

and obviously, tee's a good writer—when have i ever said otherwise? if it was based solely off of writing, i would say that she deserves every single one of her followers, maybe even more. i don't think anybody on this app would disagree with me when i say that she's genuinely one of the best fanfic writers i've come across.

however, i won't support someone just because i like their content. i've stopped listening to many artists because i didn't like who they were as a person, and similarly, once i read the reblogs on a certain callout post, i stopped consuming tee's content as well.

there's a reason i avoided making this post in the past—because i don't really have anything to say. tee and i have never had a directly negative interaction, as i'm sure you all can see in her archival post. the reason i don't support her anymore is because i didn't particularly like how she never spoke up about her followers sending death threats to other followers. that's it.

while i have my guesses as to who sent those anons, i don't care enough to find out. and i think it's better that way. this conflict's been dragged on for long enough, and this is my way of saying that i'd like to be excluded from this narrative from now on.

tee, if someone sends you this post at some point, feel free to contact me if you'd like to clear anything up. we're both adults, and i think we can agree that nothing monumental has happened between us to cause any of this. honestly, the only people dragging this on are the weirdo anons in my inbox.

to whoever's reading this post, thank you for listening to my side of the story—it was nice to be able to get this off my chest. wish me luck at my tournament, and i'll be back after the weekend !! 🤍

[websitewizard2005]

lloyd allen. for the ask gamw..

Literally forgot every single thought I've ever had about Lloyd Allen while I was writing this even though I think about him 24/7. The mind is cruel.

First impression: I thought he was so boring and I did not give a shit about him at ALL lmao. one of my friends at the time who was a fellow shaperaverse cosplayer was cosplaying Raven and since we were known for doing couples he was like "ricky you HAVE to cosplay lloyd" so after I listened to radio hour I was like ugh ok I guess I have to give a shit about this guy. How do I make him cooler.

Impression now: my babygirl my princess I am climbing the walls of my enclosure every time I think about him etc. he's just like me fr. I think he's such an interesting an complex character and I want to analyze him and simultaneously I think he's ridiculous and I love making fun of him. I mischaracterized him so badly from the years of 2020-2022 but now I see the light.

Favorite moment: i’m gonna be predictable and say either of the gnome murder scenes. ESPECIALLY the second one. what possessed him. also the time he compared raven to a dog.

Idea for a story: I want to write a fic that's set on the night where he kills(?) the first cultist after being attacked & goes to Matt's apartment, where it would be after the two of them had had a fight and were on a break from their relationship. Examines Lloyd's personality and issues with relationships at that point in his life.

Unpopular opinion: I do not think he sees Asha as a mother figure at all. I don't even know if that's a common fan perception but I feel like I've seen it around and I do not agree. They are 4ever siblings/besties to me. Also I think him having a terrible time adjusting to his new body and spending half his time still being a doll is really narratively unsatisfying, even though it does make sense and has good angst potential. (and I feel part of it is a justification for the liveshow puppet lol) I'm kind of on the fence about it because on the one hand I love it when he's miserable but on the other hand it just feels redundant and unnecessary to make him suffer like that beyond what is supposed to be a happy ending.

Favorite relationship: definetly lloydven. it's not even a competition. they have had me in a chokehold since I was 15. literally the toxic yaoi ever. beyond that i’m really intrigued by lloyd & michael’s friendship as well as the dynamic of the august sky playhouse as a whole.

Favorite headcanon: god I don't even know. I have too many thoughts about him to remember what is and isn't a headcannon. the world will know my lloyd headcannons whenever the demon posesses me to post them on tumblr dot com.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading update: august 2023

wow what a month!!! I turned 27, I got to do so much work on a documentary on queer style, and most importantly I read a batch of really cool books that I'm so excited to ramble about. so let's cut the bullshit, here's what I've been reading!

Condomnauts (Yoss, 2013; trans. David Frye, 2018) - thank you to, who else, tumblr user @condomnauts for the recommendation! the premise of this book is so sensational: humankind has taken to the stars and become part of a bustling galactic community, with a catch: politeness demands that when different species get together to trade, they open negotiations by sending members from each crew to have sex with each other. these "condomnauts" are highly in demand among humans, since it takes a very particular kind of person to figure out how to bone down with someone who isn't even remotely human. but it's not all fun or free-wheeling space orgies; our protagonist, Josue, is up to his eyes in unresolved trauma from the miserable violence and poverty of his upbringing (seriously, look up those trigger warnings; it gets pretty yucky out there) and has definitely never been to space therapy. ultimately this book isn't as much of a romp as I might have hoped and does fall a bit more into "let's explain at length how the sci-fi tech works" than I usually like, but. BUT. I have to say, the payoff at the (deep sigh) climax of the book (and it is, in fact, a climax) took me totally by surprise and made me SHRIEK with delight when I realized what was about to happen; huge props to Yoss for bringing that particular plot point so perfectly full circle.

Raw Dog: The Naked Truth About Hot Dogs (Jamie Loftus, 2023) - I'm a huge fan of all of Jamie Loftus' nonfiction podcast series (go listen to Ghost Church, like, immediately. stop reading this an go do it) so I was naturally pretty fucking stoked for her first foray into nonfiction books. the premise is simple enough: driven by a need to consume a truly terrifying amount of hot dogs for research, Loftus and her boyfriend set off on a cross-country road trip, sampling hot dogs across America so that Loftus can alternate descriptions of the most iconic contemporary hot dogs with an investigation of the hot dog's sordid past. as is pretty much the signature of Jamie Loftus' work, to me, the end result is much funnier, weirder, and sadder than the innocuous-sounding premise would suggest; in addition to the perils of colonialism, capitalism, COVID-19, and factory farming, Loftus does a remarkably tactful job documenting the the downfall of her own relationship as she searches for the perfect dog. cannot recommend enough, an incredible debut.

Yellowface (R.F. Kuang, 2023) - a couple of months ago I read my first R.F. Kuang book, Babel, and thought that it couldn't possibly live up to the amount of hype that it was getting at the time. and I was wrong! Babel was tremendous! but surely R.F. Kuang, that crazy son of a gun, couldn't pull it off twice in one year. and yet! Yellowface was a book I found hard to put down, because with each chapter came some fresh new BUGFUCK CRAZY BULLSHIT from our terrible, terrible protagonist. maybe the plot hinging so much on extremely online book discourse will make it inaccessible for some readers, but as someone who used to spend a lot of time on lit twitter I got it and felt seen. honestly, if this kind of discourse broke loose on twitter tomorrow - a white author stealing the work of her Chinese-American friend? publishing it after her friend's tragic premature death?? changing her name to sound more racially ambiguous??? - I might go crawling back to X dot com just to gawk. this is a satirical thriller of the highest order, and if you love mess as much as me you will gobble this shit up.

The Prisoner's Wife (asha bandele, 1999) - and now for a totally different vibe than I've been bringing you so far! bandele's memoir is an absolutely wrenching account of falling in love with Rashid, a man incarcerated for murder and the ensuing fight to build a life together. bandele is a poet and it shows; her words flow beautifully even in the ugliest of circumstances. this is no suffering porn but a nakedly honest account, all of the good and all of the bad in her relationship. the struggles are never limited to the inhumanity of American carceral system, and the reader is also witness to the usual growing pains of two people learning how to love each other heightened by the enormous obstacles of stolen autonomy. but for every moment of difficulty there is love, such an enormity of love that you at time feel the need to look away from someone being so vulnerable. but I'm so grateful bandele shared the way she did. even reading the book two decades after its publication, with the knowledge that she and her husband Rashid would ultimately divorce, did nothing to dull the love. the love was real, and bandele captured it with devastating precision.

Clay's Ark (Octavia E. Butler, 1984) - god, I love Octavia. just when you think you know where she's going with a story of a creepy codependent psychic cult she zags on you and introduces a SECOND creepy codependent cult, this time in the form of a bunch of HORNY PARASITIC SPACE WEREWOLVES hiding out in the desert! there was no mention of Mary and the Pattern! where are they, Octavia? why are they sending people into space? what does it mean that aliens are in play now? are they going to fight in the next book? god, I hope they fight. there was some gruesome shit in Clay's Ark, but man was I compelled.

My Wandering Warrior Existence (Nagata Kabi, 2020; trans. Jocelyne Allen, 2022) - this was a really exciting new turn for Nagata's graphic memoirs! this one is a great reflection on ✨romance✨ as Nagata begins the arduous work of trying to figure out what romance means to them and what she'd actually want out of a relationship. there was a lot that I related to immensely, although our outcomes may be different - in my case, I realized that building so many mental hurdles for myself because I didn't want to be in a relationship at all. watching someone else navigate that journey at a later age than people are usually expected to is so cool, especially doing it so thoughtfully and with such candor and coming from a place of queerness. I don't know where things are going for Nagata Kabi, but I'm excited for the next translation of her work to be released in November. and I really recommend this graphic memoir to anyone trying to figure out their own romance situation, whether or not you're read the preceding volumes; it can stand quite well on its own!

Love, Hate & Clickbait (Liz Bowery, 2022) - guys. listen. I was so prepared to hate this romance novel, but "a governor forces two of her male staffers to fake date each other to win #woke points" is pretty heinous premise! and it SUPER doesn't help that one of these guys, Thom, is a stone cold manipulative bastard who's chronically online and obsessed with his job to a generally terrifying degree. (the other guy, Clay, is just kind of a doofus who's been, I think, accidentally autism-coded.) but by the end [SPOILERS] Thom has uuuuuh suffered complete and total ego death and renounced his entire life, and it kind of rules? idk, the fake dating might be kind of long and tedious if you're not into fake dating, by which I mean it was tedious for me, but the climax really catapulted it up the list of romance novels I've read this year. also I regret to say the sex is pretty good.

Docile (K.M. Szpara, 2020) - god almighty I put off actually getting to this book for YEARS but I'm glad I did, because I don't know if I would have had the range to appreciate her back in 2020. the basic bones premise - a slightly future dystopia in which those in extreme debt can take a drug called Dociline to become a passive blank slate and sell themselves as servants for the ultrawealthy - barely scratches the surface; it's an intoxicating story about power, control, cobsession, consent, vulnerability, exploitation, capitalism, and loss of self in so many different ways. also I once again regret to say that the sex is pretty good. I completely understand why this book wouldn't be someone's cup of tea - jesus CHRIST read those content warnings - but I couldn't read it fast enough.

Carnal Knowledge: Sex Education You Didn't Get in School (Zoë Ligon and Elizabeth Renstrom, 2020) - what a fun book! for those of y'all who don't know Ligon's work, she's the owner of Spectrum Boutique, a Detroit-based sex toy store that I endorse wholeheartedly and as often as possible! Ligon has put together a great little book of beginner's sexual affirmations, covering everything from body image to pubic hair to relationship styles as well as, naturally, sex toys. it's a great read for anybody, and Renstrom's whimsical, vibrant photos make it a delight to flip through. I'd recommend it for anyone, especially my many anons over the years who have asked how to start getting more comfortable thinking and talking about sexuality. it's a great place to start, a gorgeous little safe space of a book that welcomes everyone to think more widely about pleasure and how to find it.

[bleachbleachbleach]

I think what the last anon meant is that Kubo assigned for each race (shinigami, visored etc) a different font on the chapter title pages (chapter 266 for example) and while all other shinigami have both first and last names written in brush strokes, Rukia's first name is written in a different font that'd suggest she's not a pure shinigami. Kubo confirmed it does have a meaning and he said he might draw it at some point. But the theory's not that she's Yhwach's child, but that she's some kind of a shinigami/hell demon hybrid and that it'll be revealed in the hell arc if Kubo decides to continue it. Here they go more in detail with this https://www.reddit.com/r/bleach/comments/qovgi2/big_investigationpart_2ichigos_friends_special/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Thank you for the clarification! So we're not talking about kanji--we're talking about fonts! The original ask wanted to know if we had thoughts on the concept. We do not! But we did talk a lot last night about why we do not. Because you know B3; we love a good font discussion.

Speaking for myself, I'm substantially more interested in Rukia's thoughts on fonts; her thoughts on the typescript class Hisagi and Hinamori co-ran in advance of the 1st Annual Gotei 13 Recruitment Poster Design Contest, since in the aftermath of TYBW recruitment needs are at their peak and the last set of posters (See: Colorful Bleach) aren't gonna cut it. How much time does she spend specializing her own font, trying to imbue it with as much of her personality as possible, and maybe even a sense of Sode no Shirayuki? Does Byakuya show up in her office to talk about the last 300 years of Kuchiki craftsmanship that have gone into designing their clan letterhead? Does she give her esoteric calligraphy advice? How similar is it to Hinamori's calligraphy advice, which in the end is Aizen's calligraphy advice because damn it, he may have been sentenced to a lifetime in Muken, but he did have phenomenal penmanship?

I'm interested in these kinds of details as they are experienced by the characters living their lives. I wanna know how Ikkaku decides what he wants for breakfast. And I wanna know less goofy things, too, I mean--I want to know how Hinamori understands her experience of trauma. But that's the vantage point I'm really after when I daydream about Bleach by myself and also when I log onto Tumblr dot Com.

When I think about these ideas from this vantage point, I think they might be a little dangerous, because treating blood status like a puzzle to figure out has gotten Soul Society into a lot of trouble! Mayuri's "studies" of Quincy are probably the big example here, and similar thinking underpins the Vizard execution order; the seeming viability of Rukia's execution order; etc. I imagine that once the aftermaths of TYBW have settled in a bit, the ethics/defilements of Urahara's Hollowfication pills might become a topic of discussion. Or the kinds of soul-quilting Mayuri did for Kira, the whole Zombification thing, all that. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not sure Soul Society has the capacity to have a discussion about any of this without reinventing scientific racism and justifying genocide all over again.

Let me be clear: I'M NOT SAYING THAT THIS IS WHAT THAT REDDIT POST IS DOING, IS INTERESTED IN DOING, OR ANYTHING SIMILAR TO THESE SENTIMENTS. But in-universe, I think that's probably the first place such a conversation would go. Soul Society batting a thousand as usual! (And that I am interested in!)

I'm also very enthusiastic about the idea that people are interested in taking a more symbol-driven approach! But it's not how I'm personally most excited to engage with this text.

If a Bleach Hell Arc ends up exploring such things, the reality is I spent most of the Hell Arc fixated not on Hell and its potential cosmologies, but on the idea that Hollow bearbaiting is part of the traditional funeral rites in Soul Society. Guys. What. XDD

[ambitionectomy]

I have at least 47 questions that could be posed. Here are some of them:

Can I change my name from atrociousphish to something you would recognize?

Pretend I have NO social media presence other than this tumblr account I just created. Does that count as a question?

Do you think I created this account with the SOLE PURPOSE of reading your work without subscribing to the Globe?

What if God walked into your house in human form and started swearing just for the sheer fun of defying expectations? Would you invite her to stay for dinner?

Why do they keep Boston so goddamn far away from Portland?

Do they still have Emack and Bolios?

If you had, say, 3 children, might they ALL be giants? (asking for a friend with children who are way too tall)

Favorite sandwich?

Did you know that NOT watching SNL was WAY ahead of its time?

How bad was that cold snap?

Do you really think I'm going to come up with 47 questions?

More importantly, do you think I'll remember to check tumblr ever again? I kinda hope so!

When was the last time you rode the T?

Do you still reserve 30 minutes for writing every night? Or is it more now? Or is it less now?

17. This is question 17, right?

Did you get that Pomona lookbook link? Kristina (Foley) posted this:

19. Pretty awesome, right? :) Look at those two! :)

Nineteen is like 47 today, 'cause that's where I'm gonna stop. If you don't know who this is, you should alert the tumblr police.

20. Are there tumblr police?

This is delightful and I miss you. And also, you had me (knowing who you are) at 47. There was just no way it was anyone else.

And that photo is awesome. Look at us. And I haven’t done that lookbook thing yet, but if you are on there, I’m in.

And why DO they keep Boston so far away from Portland? It doesn’t make a lot of sense, practically. I don’t even know if Emack and Bolio’s still exists. I haven’t ridden the T for a couple of years, alas. D works in the city and so does not want to visit it during any of his time off. I still love it there. What to do? Go on my own, one might say. But who do I meet at Cafe Joy, if it is even still there?

My children are not all giants. Two of them are mighty big, with one of them being the tallest thing we have. The third one is smaller than I am by a couple of inches but personality-wise and power-wise, she is huge. She just did a semester in London where theater people with British accents trained her to not be afraid of her own power and to take up space. Now, watch out. I am so interested that your boys are giants. I miss them. They look like such nice people in the photos.

I read that some movie theater tickets now cost $16.50. No, they don’t! They cost $5 to me forever, because that is what you and I used to pay most of the time, I think. I haven’t been to a movie theater in a long time, either, but that is okay.

If God came into my house and started swearing, I would be delighted. And He would be in good company among my kids. Not that they are here. God could fill in.

How bad was that cold snap? Bad enough that I thought your thing about it, the one involving witches. It really was. I’m guessing.

Not watching SNL — that’s funny. I am still ahead of the curve in that department. Or right alongside the curve?

Favorite sandwich lately: Fake BLT. Well the B is fake. The L is real. The T is real. So is the mayo and the bread. Maybe I should call it a Mostly Real BLT. You?

I am not, I’m sorry to say, still writing for 30 minutes a day. I spend so much time and energy on the Globe work that I don’t have the oomph left for other creative stuff. I’m milked! But maybe someday I will do that again. It is a good way to keep going.

I am really touched that you would make an account just to see my work. You can do that here, because then I might be able to see that you have seen my work. OR I also post all my stuff on my website, which is just my big old three-car train of a name plus the dot com. Or you can ignore my work altogether. As long as you are my friend, I don’t need anything else from you. I’m so glad you are my friend.

I send you and your whole crew love. Thank you for making me happy by making this account and writing me so many questions, atrociousphish. Would know you anywhere by any name! Or, you know, by one number.

[werebear-butch]

This blog is my diary I just come here to whine or ramble or whatever. Helps me organize my thoughts and process shit

Anyway I’m just. I’ve been thinking a lot about romance again. I think it’s something I’ve just kind of been fixated on for a long time. Part of that is because it feels like society pushes you one way or another, it’s seen as one of those Ultimate Life Goals to find someone you love. So much of media is so romance centric. And I do love it. I love rom coms in books and movies, I love songs about love, I love fics and ship art. There are times where I want something like that so so so badly.

But then I think about what romance means to me and it’s? Simpler?

Romance in movies is so Theatrical, if that makes sense. There’s drama and massive conflict and the plot pushes the characters together etc etc. Romance is acted out in big gestures from anything like slaying monsters to like singing in the bleachers of a football field (10 things I hate about you). It’s flirting and candlelit dinners and huge confessions. It’s dramatic.

But to me romance doesn’t need all that? It feels more like Friendship Plus, in a sense. Flirting can be fun but it’s awkward and I don’t know how to do it or respond to it. I’m just as happy to spend an hour chattering about special interests or that movie you want to see or the recent weather or an upcoming vacation. I think a big part of the difference isn’t even physical attraction (though that does help) or a want for physical intimacy because those aren’t things I feel I need to be happy in a relationship? It’s more my ability to be Alone with someone. It’s a feeling of comfort. Like I feel most at peace and like I’m having fun with a small group. One on one hangouts get so stressful and I don’t know why. There are a very very select few that I feel at total peace with alone, even among my closest friends. THAT is the intimacy I care about. It’s about being able to be comfortable in someone’s presence and know “yeah, I could happily spend the rest of my life alone with you.”

And then like. It feels like in movies, romance is something that just happens, but in real life it’s something you have to seek out and work for and hope someone else is happy to put in that same effort. I’ve never had a meet cute moment. It’s always been a slow build, a friendship that gets closer until “oh. I want you in my life forever.” And I’m content if that forever is always platonic friendship, even for the most intense of crushes, but I can’t help but daydream about romance.

And the thing is, I want to put in the work. I just get nervous about overstepping and being too vulnerable and freaking someone out and driving them away. I don’t know how to tell if someone else wants what I want and I don’t how to ask? And sometimes I think I’m too willing, too willing to put in all of myself, all of my effort, to wait and wait and wait when I don’t even know if my lingering emotions are mutual.

I’m so inexperienced with these things and I don’t know how to approach the topic, and I don’t know how to read a person, and I don’t know how to make my own intentions clear while also being clear that I am not going to be a freak about it if a relationship goes no further beyond the boundaries of platonic—but I also need that confirmation because I struggle with hints and subtlety.

Anyway. This is a lot of fucking rambling about nothing but. Romance is on the brain and I’m yearning a little. I need to just buck up and learn how to have these conversations instead of writing long ass nonsense posts on Tumblr dot com at midnight on Christmas when I should be asleep.

[gnome-liker]

I don't think I'm attracted to my best friend at all. I've thought about it because I know she finds me hot. She would be happy if I tried some sort of relationship, but I don't want one from her at all.

I don't find litter and rubbish very attractive. She drops litter in the street. When it eats in bed, she leaves her plastic and napkins on top of her personal items at the edge of her mattress, often sleeping with a pile of rubbish. Every morning, I find a few cheese wrappers left on our food prepping table, waiting for the bin fairy to sweep away these greasy strands of plastic.

Maybe I think it's ugly that you're constantly drinking energy drinks and don't brush your teeth. The cans go in it's bed too.

I don't find it very attractive when someone speaks poorly of themselves. I'm not known for being mentally well, but I know I've grown up enough to speak kindly to myself. None of my friends get to talk to me like my voice in my head does, loving yourself goes a long way. Please, it breaks me to hear you talking about yourself so poorly.

"I don't find people looking at their phones very attractive" I type up on my smartphone. Sorry, her whole life she is on that phone. When she goes to sleep, it's often her passing out whilst looking at something on her phone. On the bus, she's on the phone. She complains that she can't read books anymore, but she will never find the time to do anything she cares about if she spends all her time looking at her phone.

I don't find conversations that start with "I should", "I want" or "I need" very interesting. Yeah, all these cool ideas you've had for years would be pretty sick if they existed. Why don't her ideas pour out of her ears and solidify in her hands?

She does nothing. She is on her phone. She doesn't say anything I feel like talking about.

It probably sounds like I hate her guts and want her out of my life. Day to day life with her? It's chill, actually.

We wake up whatever stupid stoner time of day, chat shit, eat food, smoke, maybe go out, see people, go to gigs together, get drunk together, eat fast food, and sometimes fuck. We even moved to a different country together.

She's chill as hell, I like this friendship. The day it's over is gonna break my heart (not being pessimistic, life is a cycle and that's chill. Sometimes friendships end).

Why am I typing this onto Tumblr dot com rather than speaking to her about it? Writing helps develop thoughts.

I think she's unattractive and ugly because of her traits as a person, the small choices in her everyday life, almost invisible personal values we perform. She doesn't look after things, she doesn't look after herself, and I don't know what she would do with a relationship.

Not showering for months makes your hair and filthy. Never brushing your teeth will make them rot. This will make you ugly, disgustingly ugly. This kind of ugliness is not always a choice. Homelessness is physically intense, disability and illness will trap you in bed for weeks, and sometimes people avoid doing "obvious" things for reasons that you simply don't know because you're not them and it's not your life.

Telling it this would break it's heart. She's the most beautiful butch woman I've met, tall, often proud to be herself and smiling.

My gut turns at the sight of her rotting teeth, the smell of unshowered tgirl grease and sweat (a smell which has attached itself to her clothes) keeps my feet away from her, her slick and crusty lips drag heavily on spliffs (the spliff gets passed back wet on the roach).

Her grunts, singing, hums, mouthy breathing, snoring, and eating triggers my misophonia.

I want to scream at her.

Friends don't fucking scream at eachother. I think I have enough emotional intelligence to not scream at my friends. i don't think she knows how much it physically hurts to be around her sometimes.

This is so unfair, she's so nice to me. I feel like screaming.

we aren't smart but we survive together. I'm lucky to have her as a friend.

But if I'm being honest:

Someone who doesn't clean or do laundry is not partner material.

Lucky me, someone who doesn't clean lives with me and finds me hot.

Ugh, I feel like I'm running in circles whenever I try writing.

[the-dalseum-duet]

tumblr dot com I am once AGAIN thinking about egyptian (and zimbabwean technically) representative to the council of dalseum sara cherti.

she lost her first serious girlfriend to a rigged trial (which made her lose the little faith she still had in Noeul after he fooled everyone into thinking he actually gave a fuck about Charlie as a human being and not a pretty toy who can shoot things occasionally) the DAY. THE DAY AFTER SHE WAS ABLE TO SHARE ANY FORM OF INTIMACY WITH HER AND NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. SHE WATCHED AS CHARLIE FOUGHT BACK AGAINST NOEUL’S RESTRAINTS. SHE WATCHED FROM THE FUCKING STAND WHERE SHE DEFENDED HER.

and no more than like… a month later. she has resumed her role as the only bitch on the Council who gets shit done. she has returned to the cold persona she displays to everyone else. word gets out about Charlie escaping. they’re just rumors, but it still gives her hope. For ONCE Sara has HOPE that there’s a possibility for a victim of the council’s actions to live freely. she has done her job. her whole career wasn’t a waste.

And approximately seven months later (which sounds like a long time but it takes a while to recover from something that batshit insane) everything gets pulled out from underneath her AGAIN. because not only was Charlie caught, but she was PARADED around the cocktail quarters by Noeul and Gale with her ENDANGERED NEWBORN in her arms. she was arrested while TRYING TO GET EMERGENCY MEDICAL CARE FOR HIM. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUUUCK

and Sara is not told ANY OF THIS until Charlie is dragged SCREAMING into the Palace. but she isn’t begging for freedom this time. she’s begging for a chance to SEE HER FUCKING BABY ONE LAST TIME BEFORE NOEUL LOCKS HER UP AGAIN. BUT GALE ALREADY TOOK CROW. IT’S TOO LATE

and SARA is fucking trying to work out a camera for a nude photoshoot of the bitch who caused all this bullshit in the first place. while all of this is happening. she has no clue. and Gale walks in with Crow in his arms and casually drops all this on her. like it isn’t the most insane shit to ever happen in recent Dalseum history. and she isn’t even the first person to get to hold Crow. IT’S FUCKING SONNET. they’re all like “ohhh my god it’s a baby look!” NO BITCH THAT’S LIVING PROOF THAT CHARLIE, THE ONE REASON WHY SARA REMAINS HOPEFUL, WAS QUITE LITERALLY FUCKED OVER BY THE SYSTEM MADE TO GIVE YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND AN IRON FIST OVER EVERYBODY ON THIS DAMN ISLAND. don’t “ohh look at the widdle baby!” me you fucking whore

But you know what? Sonnet and Noeul aren’t the only conniving bitches on this island. Sara knows what she can do. She knows the rest of the Council. They’re not going to adequately take care of a child, especially one that requires attention 24/7 due to his disability. But you know who is a doctor? SARA! THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT SHE STUDIED TO DO. She spends so much time with Crow that she practically fucking raises him, and she uses her time with him wisely. She teaches him that, hey, I know this system of power exclusively to the Sang family greatly benefits you, but it’s wrong and it hurts people like me who are trying to create progress. And Crow internalizes this anger from a young age, and he uses it to his advantage. He’s so willing to help Charlie out of the dungeon because of what Sara taught him. Even though she’s gone for most of Blackbirds, she is the first person thanked after the dust clears. Charlie immediately thanks HER in the hospital for raising her son when she could not. Because nothing could have been done without her. Nothing would have happened WITHOUT SARA. And she never drew attention to herself unless absolutely necessary. Sara Cherti the woman you are.

tl;dr Sara is the catalyst for literally everything and she deserves every bit of her retirement to Eden Grove to marry Charlie and not worry about Dalseum ever again. she still visits with crow from time to time, but Marie does a pretty good job over everything.

[likeadog]

also like. blah blah disclaimer for anyone who may find this whois not a beloved follower yes i do actually enjoy things that explore dark topics and the consequences thereof i have lived through many things and i have not lived through many more and i love to understand the broadness of the human experience even if it makes me sad or scared etc etc

that being said. sometimes "coping fic" should be kept private. sometimes you have to sit down and realize that if youre writing anime fanfiction you probably arent sitting down and writing a piece of literature that unpacks the brutality of what it is, especially if you spend half your time on twitter trying to justify the right to look at cartoons of imaginary children doing obscene things. lets not forget where we stand in this world you are not nabakov.

furthermore, regardless of literary merit, public and shared content, ideas, etc all have the right to be criticized and you cannot "dont like dont read" your way out of the consequences of disseminating the things you choose to publicly disseminate. nor does the experience or intention of the author necessarily excuse any flaws in the execution of the work. i dont care if you believe you are coping if you are going to staunchly try to defend the idea of imagining a conceptual child in sexual situations i think you need to get your internet cut and have a real long talk with yourself.

those who write "exploratory dark fiction" in good faith dont feel the need to come online and shit their pants about people who dislike ao3. nor do they send graphic sexual assault messages to someone who mentions on their personal tumblr dot com blog that they find the "community" to be quite nasty and unpleasant, which has been an experience i have unfortunately had in the multiples.

also yeah the "dark fiction" thing is its own conversation honestly but a nice rule of thumb is that if youre supposed to get off to it the only thing its "exploring" is your cock and balls and ergo its probably just exploitation

[eremin0109]

RamBheem fics Part ONE (because the shithole that Tumblr is won't let me post more than 10 links Ugh):

So here's a list of all the (brilliant, outstanding, showstopping, absolutely fucking amazing) RamBheem fics I've come across on Tumblr dot com. Please feel free to add on in case I missed something.

I'll just start by shamelessly putting on my own first, just because they're the easiest to find Lmaoo.

(a personal favourite)

(not really a fic or even a drabble, just a very short scene really)

Moving on to the very talented @contemporarykafka and their beautiful letters!

And of course, Bheem's response to the second letter by @sinistergooseberries

Also check out the response to the first letter written by @theycallmeshri in the notes!

Going ahead is yet another OG 'founder' of the fandom, my dearest Keerthi! Or @rambheem-is-real. She needs no introduction Imao.

(far as I know, this is the only one she's written but surprise me!)

Next up is yet another darling, @itsfookingloosah!

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x9 thoughts

It’s no secret that I absolutely adore Coach Beard; he’s one of my favorite characters on the show, and he’s so well-written and well-acted that somehow I tend to be both perfectly satisfied with the details we see and truly curious to understand more about the way he thinks, what’s really happening re: his professional and personal devotion to Ted, where he comes from and where he’s going. I don’t need to know his name beyond the name he wants to be called, but I want to know why we don’t have any other names for him. And I don’t need him to be a bigger focal point of every episode, but I very much needed this episode’s world-exploding reminder that every single character on this show has a rich inner life, full of joys and troubles.

“Beard After Hours” is like a movie, but one that scatters its climaxes and puts off its resolutions...because it’s not a movie. It’s episode nine of a twelve-episode season of TV. When the episode ended, I felt this almost frantic “But he needed to break up with Jane for good before the end of the episode!” feeling. I was so pulled in by the idea of being able to tell an entire story in one night, of going on an odyssey alongside a complicated hero, that watching Beard and Jane find each other in that club felt as intense as the fact that we don’t know if Ted responded to Rebecca’s voicemail and we don’t know what’s going to happen with Rebecca and Sam and we don’t know who isn’t getting married and who is having a funeral in 2x10 (I mean, I have my strong suspicions, but still!) and we don’t know if Richmond will be promoted back to the Premier League. And on and on. I didn’t mind feeling desperate for the story to resolve even though I understood after thinking about it for ten seconds that of course it couldn’t resolve yet. Or ever. Or yet.

I’m a big fan of the TL episode recaps/reviews Linda Holmes writes for NPR, and I have to quote something from this week’s directly because it so perfectly explains my feelings:

The power of the scene where Beard dances in the club isn't that it's a beautiful romantic climax. It's that it's an explanation of why he cannot seem to extricate himself from this bad relationship. What makes the worst relationships so dangerous is that they have elements that feel good that are very hard to get elsewhere. Beard knows that; he tells it to God. What's concerning isn't that Jane makes the world seem more interesting; what's concerning is she's the only thing that does. That doesn't take away from the joy of the dancing; it just tells you that even happiness is complicated.

I love Holmes’ perspective here so much, because it articulates something I was struggling to figure out: how it can feel so legitimate, like such a (temporary but nonetheless powerful) relief, for Beard to find Jane in that club and to have this moment of euphoria as his night nears an end. How it is possible to experience that relief on behalf of a character while fervently wishing it could end differently, because it’s so clear from the abusive text messages and the toxic calls and the manipulative interactions that Jane is terrible to him and they’re terrible for each other. But Beard knows this. He knows it when he hugs Higgins in the parking lot after Higgins is honest with him in a way Ted and Rebecca and Keeley have not learned how to be, and he knows it when part of his prayer includes the clear articulation that Jane isn’t the cure for what “ails me.” He’s inching closer to greater self-knowledge just as Ted is.

And the two big resolutions that really, really needed to happen did. I didn’t know I needed Paul, Baz, and Jeremy to get to wrap up their own night out on the pitch at Nelson Road, but I did. It brought actual tears to my eyes. And the other resolution was Beard showing up with the other coaches’ coffees for their meeting to watch the game film. As interesting as it would have been to see what Ted would have done if Beard hadn’t shown up, I’m so, so glad that he did. He’s got a messed-up face and some truly epic pants on, but otherwise this is just Beard showing up for work, showing up for his friends. It was incredible to realize that Beard and Ted haven’t been exaggerating when they’ve referred to his sex-and-drug proclivities in the past. The night documented in 2x9 might have been particularly scary and violent and euphoric and awful and meaningful, but this type of all-night adventure isn’t a foreign concept for this guy. In all the other episodes of this show, when we see Beard we’re seeing someone who might have been out all night, who might have spent the hours the sun was down desperately pushing himself closer to whatever edges he could find.

I don’t really want to touch upon all the allusions in this episode. They are abundant, they are well-documented, and also I haven’t even seen the movie After Hours. I enjoyed this episode for its allusive qualities and I enjoyed this episode for what it was and I feel like I have to be at peace with the fact that I’m never going to pick up on every single reference on this show and that is okay.

So, yeah, if this entry on my tumblr dot com blog seems remarkably devoid of references and allusions, it’s not because I’m not into it but because I find it too overwhelming to actually write about.

Very into the Misplaced and Discovered box at the Crown and Anchor. (That’s what Mae wrote on the Lost and Found box at the pub, right? Whatever it is, it’s so funny.)

Beard hallucinating Thierry Henry and Gary Lineker was truly upsetting and a great indicator not only of how broken things are between the Richmond coaching staff right now but also how deep Beard’s self-loathing might go. If you’d asked me before Thursday if I thought Beard loathed himself, I would say no. That deepening of knowledge alone makes 2x9 worth it.

James Tartt and his friends in the alley. Such a nightmare. I go back and forth on how much of the night was real, and part of me has decided all of it is, short of the images of Henry and Lineker. (And even that is real to the extent that it was a way of articulating what was in Beard’s head.) But watching Beard in physical danger brought on by the same abuser who had him so upset in the first place. It was a lot.

I’m so excited that Paul and Jeremy and Baz got some spotlight this episode. It was so wonderful to see them out of the pub. I love that they ended up telling the Oxford snots who they really were. They got to see Beard going to bat for them and smoothing over the situation socially, and that actually made it more possible for them to end up being truthful about themselves. Because they have nothing to be ashamed of, and they deserved the magic of that night. (And for it to end on Nelson Road. Every feeling. Oof.)

I feel like I barely have anything to say about the trouser-mending lady or the many places Beard goes or his key-dropping or the nightmarish feeling of wanting to be home and being unable to be home. It all happened and we all watched it and again, it was a lot. But I do feel incredibly moved and fascinated by the fact that Beard very obviously still hasn’t been home when he brings in the coffee. He’s had to sleep at the club for Jane- and key-related reasons in the past, and this time it’s not that he’s slept there but it still feels like a kind of homecoming he was robbed of for the entire night. Ted and Roy and Nate are there. He’s gotten their coffee orders correct. Ted is growing and evolving (he wants to learn from what’s happened, he’s insisting upon it even when the others resist) but he’s done a really perfect (almost romantic in its loveliness) thing by presumably spending his evening following a breakdown of his own speeding up the game film to 10x speed and adding Benny Hill. Ted is not OK and Beard is not OK and Nate is not OK and Roy is pretty OK but could very easily be not OK because he’s just joined a coaching staff with a whole lot of not OK. But they all showed up.

I am very into the realism of the lights being off in the club other than the coaches’ office (@talldecafcappuccino pointed this out!), and the way we’re seeing their desks from a different angle because this episode is unfocused on Ted. It really added to the mindset of being hungover and exhausted and unable to go home or even to know exactly what home should be; even this warm, familiar place feels off even as it’s a relief to be back there.

I am excited to return to our regularly scheduled programming with the full cast of characters, but I really adored this episode for what it taught us about Beard and what it illuminated about the humor, pain, and complexity of each person who inhabits this universe. Beard may not be loud about his long-standing beliefs or about the things he’s learned, but there’s a lot happening in there and I appreciated getting to spend 43 minutes with him and (in the case of the ticket he scrawls on a piece of paper so the pub guys can get into Nelson Road) the moments he sets in motion.

[trying-to-get-somewhere-real]

Ava Daniels is a Good Person: a brief rant

Ok so I still haven’t gotten over the feeling of wanting to fight people who think Ava Daniels is a bad person even though it was just one tweet like 3-4 weeks ago comparing her unfavorably to Lena Dunham in Girls…I’m still just like, upset about it because the more I rewatch this show, and the more I spend my entire life reading Hacks content on tumblr dot com and AO3, the more I believe that as flawed as she is, as much as she can be a super destructive little shit, Ava is actually a good person and does many good, selfless things for people in S1 (well, mostly for Deborah because *reasons* but still). 

Like things that just seem to come from a place of kindness and care and nothing else (e.g., basically all of her interactions with DJ show kindness without the expectation of getting something in return—going to the jewelry show, talking to DJ after the bday fight, driving her to her wedding; and the kindness and care she shows to/for Deb in the back half of the season could fill a super lengthy post that I won’t subject all of you to but things like everything she says to and does for Deb in 1x06 (taking care of her physically, wanting to hear about her life, telling her the way she was treated by Frank and her shrink was just plain wrong, telling her she can make anything funny, suggesting she share her truth with the world just because she owes it to herself), defending Deb to DJ after the bday fight, calling Deb to make sure she doesn’t miss DJ’s wedding, telling Deb that what Ira did was upsetting, stealing the picture from the comedy club, telling the Brits that Deb is actually a really good comedian and rejecting their job offer, getting Deb the present for her last show/writing the note that goes with it, etc. etc. - I’m happy for anyone to add to this btw, this isn’t an exhaustive list). 

Of course, I think that Deborah changed Ava’s life and allowed her to access these parts of herself that she hadn’t in so long (ever?), but I think the capacity was always there. It’s useful for me to take off my shipper goggles and try to view Ava’s actions not only through the lens of her loving Deborah, but through the lens of being someone with the capacity to be very good to people generally. Ava is not an anti-hero (to me, at least), you know? In my mind, Ava wasn’t really able to be Good and Kind before because she had no one in her life with whom she could feel safe enough to show her full (uncool, unpopular, insecure) self to and receive some of that Goodness in return (although tbh she takes some big leaps with Deborah in 1x06 before Deb has shown her much Goodness of her own yet…because by then Ava’s starting to realize exactly what Deb’s been through, and because Ava’s fundamentally a good person instead of a monster like Frank, she actually cares and just wants to be Good for Deb! Again, just because she cares. Like that’s exactly my point - Ava starts to show kindness before it’s clear that she’ll get it back in return.) 

I guess for me the fact that Ava and Deb can have a super combative relationship at times, and Ava does so many impulsive things without considering the consequences (which can be very bad for various people in addition to herself...like Deb), it feels easy to forget at times that she also does so many good things. Maybe that’s why these moments can be so surprising on first watch--it feels impossible to recover from New Eyes because suddenly Ava seems to CARE SO MUCH--who even knew she could do that?! Anyway, I just think she’s neat.

[kcabyap]

I don't know if you still do headcanons, but if so feel free to do this whenever! 💖 Could you write about a bluntly genuine MC with Mammon? Like they reply to his boosting like "Of course you're great!!" or "You're my first and best!" and they just light up whenever they see him or hear his voice? Our main man needs to be gassed up, he gets insulted way too often. 😤

I absolutely do, and I absolutely love this!! It's always Appreciating Mammon O'Clock on kcabyap dot tumblr dot com 🙏🏻

Mammon With An MC Who's Very Blunt And Genuine About Loving Him

Now let's make something clear here: the Great Mammon is... not used to other people thinking he's great. Not really.

Living with six brothers who keep going on about how much of a scumbag he is really takes a toll on his self-esteem, despite how he makes himself come across... so most times, even he doesn't really believe he's that great.

So when he introduces himself as the Great Mammon and the human exchange student simply nods and says 'yeah, you do seem pretty great,' he's kind of... taken aback.

But, he decides to just enjoy it! This human hasn't heard how much of a greedy money-grubber he is, and all the other insults his brothers spout; that means he can tell them all about his exploits and they'll genuinely think he's cool!

And they do! They tell him how impressive his gambling prowess is, how interesting it is that he's a model, how good he is at finding ways to do things without spending too much Grimm...

Honestly, Mammon thinks it's a bit strange. He kind of wonders if the human is trying to get something from him, or if they're scheming something, or if they're going to wake up one day and change their mind entirely.

...But it never happens. Even as time goes on, and the human gets to know Mammon more, they're still very straightforward about how they feel about him; and they're always kind.

When one of the brothers calls Mammon a scumbag, the human pipes up to remind them of the nice things he does every day, the ones that the brothers don't even know about.

When one of them calls him childish, the human mentions how Mammon is more emotionally mature than anyone in the house, able to deal with his own self-esteem being brought down every day and give his brothers advice, too.

When one of them calls him selfish, the human counters with all the times Mammon has supported them, put himself in danger to protect the human, gone out of his way to help his brothers.

...It's on that day, after that incident, that Mammon's bravado runs out and he has to step away, hiding in his room so no-one can see his tears.

He's not used to being stood up for... he's not used to having someone around who doesn't bring him down... he's not used to having someone who wants to support him, have fun with him, go along with his ideas out of something other than pity...

So why? What's this human's deal? Do they want a blessing from him? Do they just want him to do something for them?

All these questions burning in his mind, he goes straight to their room, knocking loudly and levying all these questions at them.

Yet despite Mammon's sharp tone and his yelling... the human just smiles, takes his hands, and answers his questions of 'why' with all the love and honesty he's ever known:

"Because you're great, Mammon."

...It's seconds before he's throwing himself in their arms, sniffling and sobbing into their shoulder, mumbling an uncharacteristically soft 'thank you' against their skin.

Mammon and his human - that's his human, by the way, so everyone else can just back off! - are practically inseparable from that day on; the human is always there to comfort their demon when he's not feeling so sure of himself, and the demon is always there to protect his human.

He's very protective, but for them, that's just fine; they love spending time with their favourite demon, going along with him on money-making ventures and shopping sprees and wild party nights.

And with their support, Mammon starts believing a bit more that, hey, maybe he actually is as great as he keeps saying he is... but for him? His sweet human will always be the greatest person he knows.