#that's the third time he played a queer character (that I'm aware of)

[takealookintheback]

Andreas Pietschmann in "Letzte Spur Berlin - Ausgeliefert" (2024)

[respectthepetty]

Pride Petty Watch - LiTA (Sky/Prapai) 1/3

The crowd picked Love in the Air as the first show to ever move off of my Petty List, so I'm watching it and recapping my experience, and oh boy, is it an *experience*. I wrote about the first seven episodes in two parts [here and here], so it's time to dive into the next six episodes!

Woot woot!

I had to make sure I didn't click on episode one again because it's the same scenes showing again. This is the third time they have been shown? Fourth? I'm here for one thing and one thing only. Quit bullshitting LiTA and GIVE ME WHAT I CAME FOR!

Oh my God, my heart just jumped into my throat with this music and this lighting behind this devil.

I know how their story starts. I already knew. I will be not be upset at him. I will not get into my feelings about this even though this music and lighting are hellbent on making Prapai seem like The Worst™

I would love to claim "pink = 💕love💕" but not today, Satan.

Sky saying "Where's the condom?" as more of a demand rather than a question and the arch of his back are an appreciation post in themselves. This is transactional and he is not here to make friends.

WHY AM I BEING SHOWN RAIN AND PAYU AGAIN?! If you don't have enough material for thirteen episodes, just say it! Because my boy disassociated, went on autopilot, and is now tucking this nightmare away in a dark corner of his mind in true Trauma Compartmentalizing 101 fashion, yet I gotta see Payu and Rain's Daddy x Baby nonsense another round?! I only respect one person in this house and the rest of these men can choke. I wrote what I wrote.

Hold up, Prapai was AWAKE when Sky left looking like that? And now he is reminiscing about it in all black with that black rose of death lapel pin? *Arthur Fist*

I support queer rights AND queer wrongs, but this show is testing me like I'm fucking Frodo having to deliver a ring to the depths of hell in the month of Pride. Sky just went home and cried on his bed, while this woman is talking about getting over heartbreak because Prapai can't stop thinking about this one-night stand. I cannot be queer and *here* in these conditions with el diablo smirking every two seconds.

KinnPorsche, my old enemy, we meet again. Didn't think I'd see you here, but it tracks because where there is a rich bastard incapable of getting over the poorer man he wrongfully exerted power over, there will be a robe, wine, and a sex worker. (That boy looks like the Memory in the Letter lead)

"I feel sorry for your prey" - Everyone is too busy looking at the metaphorical weather that represents the characters to notice the red alert standing right there.

On God, if a man called me like that without telling me his name and proceeded to just . . . be creepy, it'd be on like Donkey Kong. I was raised by Sidney Prescott from Scream and if a man wants to play games over the phone, then he needs to be prepared to die. And what is it with this show trying to distract me with with these problematic men working out? I know they are attractive, but as Michelle Visage stated "stop relying on that body!" AND NOW CREEPY TEXTS, and the only thing Sky thinks is a "man like that wouldn't be into [him]" . . . BL boys would greatly benefit from feminism.

Prapai, you have to get less creepy. You just have to because this is not it, my man. You are throwing out the beginning-of-a-psycho-killer vibes and I cannot. I simply. Can. Fucking. Not.

Sky is pissed at Rain, threw the flowers, and has Prapai listed as "Psycho" so it's clear who has the brain cell of these weather boys, and it's the one whose back is hurting FROM CARRYING THE WEIGHT OF THE DAMN WORLD ON HIS SHOULDERS!

I will not be swayed by the sunflowers, the fact that Prapai is aware Sky is a Sad Boy, or the blue. As far as I'm concerned, by the end of this episode, Prapai is still the devil. NEXT EPISODE!

The energy between these two is giving me GMMTV "brothers," and that is not a compliment.

I'm not going to fault Sky for not throwing away the flowers because reuse, recycle, re-

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!

*took a six hour break and contemplated the meaning of life, made an avocado smoothie then poured rum in it, started doing yoga then ended up in savasana, which means I just laid there and looked at the ceiling, and finally I remembered the gorgeous Zani is in this show, so I returned*

This boy is me and I am him. I'm so chill that if I got any cooler, I'd be an ice cube. Just chilling. So chill. The chill is immaculate. I am meditating. I am praying. I am one with the storm. I'm the chillest. Climate change no longer exists because I'm just, so, fucking, chill. ~Let's continue~

I don't want to give Prapai any credit because I already told my mom I hate him which means we are sworn enemies in this life and future ones as well, but him noticing that Sky spaced out even though he immediately jumped back into flirting mode, and him reinforcing that he thinks Sky is attractive in any state including this one should be an issue because he is still focusing on Sky's body, but he doesn't know Sky well enough to have anything else, so . . . one whole point for Slytherin, I guess.

Rain is not a real one and if Sky was a rapper, this in when he would have dropped the ultimate diss track cementing his place in academic rhetoric for all eternity. Even if I didn't know about his ex, I could have read that expression, but Rain? Once again, one brain cell, and Sky has it.

I want to give Prapai the points for the food, but he doesn't even know what Sky likes, so this is White Man Ambition at its finest. Thank goodness that Sky is throwing it awa-

NOT THE FUCKING RED AGAIN!

Dear Reader, I'm going to level with you here one and a half episodes into this arc: I now fully understand The Fuckery. I greatly appreciate the 126 people who picked this show because this is the perfect example of what I keep reading about a MAME series. The abrupt shifts between aggressive flirting, dick jokes, and trauma is jarring. I knew the kidnapping was coming for Rain, but hearing Stop say that Rain would be sexually assaulted by his gang of men if Payu didn't stop fighting back was the most violent moment of an already physically violent event that, strangely, did not affect me until that very moment. I know what is coming for Sky, yet having these intercuts of Sky's abuse, although effective, are humbling in a way I was not expecting. Because what I had thought I was walking into was a trashy watch with gratuitous sex talk and some drama, but what I'm experiencing is a lot of emotional discord as the story swings between extremes while refusing to balance itself out. There is no middle ground in this show. I will continue to be petty about this watch, but I get it now in a way I was never going to grasp without watching one of her series and I'm graciously realizing I would not have survived TharnType because even as Prapai connects the dots that something *very bad* has happened to Sky based on his interactions with Sky, he smiles because . . . well, because.

So even though Sky and Prapai's arc is smaller than the first, my watch is going to be in three parts instead of just two because . . . well, because.

~Let's continue~

I'm going to try really hard to give Slytherin points here, *grinds teeth* so even though this man is stalking Sky, he gets credit for showing up, which according to the great philosophers, is half the battle. Also, I know his lapel pins are important, so the sunflower and the bee after he gave Sky meaningful sunflowers is a nice sentimental touch, but he gets no points because HE COULD'VE OFFERED THE BOY A RIDE! The perfect pitch was right there, yet he swings and misses.

I don't listen to true crime podcasts, but I feel confident that most cases start with a stalker using several devices to contact their victim after his primary mean is blocked. Basically, I need Prapai to do as Sky's shirt says and "CHILL THE FUCK OUT!" I'm trying to give him points but he refuses to exhibit any level of chill. None. No chill. Not ice cube. Just sad hot puddle of zero chills.

I felt *something* between Sig and Som when they were arguing across the tables in episode seven, but now I know Sig is trying to instigate a fight with Som just so he can have that boy's hands around his neck. I respect it.

Sky is having a breakdown because of the onslaught of texts Prapai keeps sending him from multiple devices and as he huddles in the fetal position begging to be left alone having bursts of anger, the phone begins to vibrate signaling more texts are coming through. The director, Ne, also served as an editor on Only Friends, and if he whispered in Jojo's ears to make Ray's bathtub scene just as gut-wrenching as this, I just wanna eat some soup with Ne and know like "You good, boo?"

I am fighting for my life in these trenches!

Rain picked up Sky's phone and told Prapai to come to the hospital. Rain? Rain who was on his knees begging for Sky's forgiveness after he gave Sky's number to Prapai? As in the Rain who was told to stay out of Sky's business? Like the same Rain who Sky looked in his face and told him he would never be with Prapai? THE RAIN WHO IS NOW GIVING PRAPAI THE KEY TO SKY'S APARTMENT?! That Rain?!

"I made a promise to Rain" - Pero like . . . why do you have to make promises to not fuck with unconscious and sick people? Cause shouldn't that be a given? No? Mmm. Interesting development.

I have only watched two episodes. TWO! I'm not even halfway through this AND I know how this ends. No amount of knowledge or spoilers has properly prepared me for this journey, and now I'm scared and I want my mom to come pick me up.

But here I am. Clicking on the next episode.

pinche cabrón

[vanillabeanmachine]

Hi there.

Reaching out to let you know that I'm very, very much looking forward to reading 'No Letting Go'.

If I'm not mistaken I found your blog / this particular writing project when I came across another fan's post highlighting Daniel's book (A Shadow on the Skin) on Kaposi's sarcoma and the beginnings of the AIDS epidemic. Since then, I've been searching for meta - and specially fic - that explores Daniel's experience with the AIDS crisis, given that he not only reported on it but engaged in some high risk behavior (having sex with men for drugs, for one) during that time.

So I'd appreciate anything that you may wanna share regarding this specific plotline, if something of the sort is indeed to be featured in "No Letting Go".

Hiya @gardinha! 🤗 Thank you so much for reaching out with such a fantastic question! Honestly, there's so much I want to share that it was quite challenging for me to write this response!

At its core, “No Letting Go” is about intergenerational trauma in various forms, and I think it’s fair for me to say that no event has marred the collective queer psyche quite like the HIV/AIDS Crisis—and I think that, even in today’s era of PrEP, there remain aspects of that crisis that the queer community has yet to fully reconcile or "let go" of. To me, Daniel Molloy is a character who could embody much of this trauma, and could allow me to explore some of the impacts of the Crisis on individual and collective memory.

But where to begin?

AMC's "Interview With the Vampire" begins by positioning Daniel Molloy within the context of the COVID-19 pandemic.

And so I began with Larry Kramer.

Larry Kramer—who passed away in early 2020 from pneumonia while under lockdown and working on a new play titled "An Army of Lovers Must Not Die," which reportedly was intended to be about "gay people having to live through three plagues" (the third being aging)—was an AIDS activist. As a co-founder of the Gay Men's Health Crisis (the largest provider of resources to AIDS patients US-wide) and the grassroots activist group AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power (ACT UP), Kramer's impact on both the community and public health advocacy was profound.

During the recent COVID-19 pandemic, Kramer notably re-entered the public conversation, his name being often brought up in conjunction with Dr. Anthony Fauci. Fauci, who first became the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases in 1984 during the initial surge of the AIDS crisis—who has been a key figure in managing both the HIV/AIDS and COVID-19 health emergencies.

During the initial outbreak of the COVID-19 pandemic, I experienced an interesting discourse emerge in the queer leftist communities that I am a part of.

On one hand, there was a tangible, unified commitment across the community to prevent the spread of COVID-19. This collective resolve was directly fuelled by a desire to avoid the devastating losses similar to those experienced during the AIDS crisis. The phrase "remember AIDS?" frequently echoed within the community, serving as both a cautionary reminder and a rallying cry to ensure history did not repeat itself. This sentiment strengthened the communal effort to protect each other and highlighted a profound awareness of shared historical trauma.

But simultaneously, there was also a notable scepticism towards government health organizations like the CDC, a sentiment deeply rooted in the community's experiences during the AIDS crisis, when the government's response was notoriously inadequate. This distrust was further complicated by the fact that Dr. Anthony Fauci, a central figure during both the AIDS crisis and the COVID-19 pandemic, headed these responses. The prevailing sentiments of "do not trust the CDC" and "don’t trust Fauci" resonated strongly within the community. (Ironically, these were the same slogans being adopted by anti-mask right-wing groups during the pandemic, highlighting a complex layer of shared mistrust that originated from very different motivations and historical contexts.)

This dichotomy, to me, really exemplified the ongoing impact of historical trauma on the contemporary queer community.

And so I took this back to Daniel Molloy for “No Letting Go.”

Starting in Act II—(Act I is set in a different historical moment that also cannot be “let go” of)—Daniel and Armand are deeply entrenched in the cultural and political fabric of the queer community during the early stages of the AIDS crisis, from 1981 to 1985. This period is captured through a mix of "more objective" flashbacks (though true objectivity is intentionally subverted, aligning with the narrative style of "Interview With the Vampire”) and the personal reflections of Daniel and Armand. The era, characterized by ambiguity and a nascent understanding of AIDS, offers a backdrop not just for exploring fear but more significantly, the political dynamics of the time.

My focus on the AIDS Crisis in “No Letting Go” is on how the community organized, responded, and survived rather than on the pervasive fear, using Daniel (who, perhaps, did not survive—according to the book canon) as a means of exploring this.

In "No Letting Go," Daniel Molloy in 1981-1985 is a still-human journalist living with Armand in their New York City apartment. Unlike a vampire, Daniel is deeply embedded in the community and its internal politics, which naturally sets the stage for tension between him and Armand, given their differing existential perspectives and capabilities. (But we won’t get into that for right now…)

The backdrop to Daniel's life during this period includes the 1978 publication of Larry Kramer's novel "Faggots," which Daniel sees as profoundly damaging to the community—and a personal attack on both Armand and himself. Kramer wrote "Faggots" to critique what he perceived as self-destructive and hedonistic behaviours prevalent within certain segments of the gay community—precisely the segments that Daniel is a part of. Kramer’s vocal support for monogamy and his stance against group sex, cruising, anonymous encounters, bathhouses, glory holes, BDSM, and the usage of both street and prescription drugs directly conflict with the lifestyle and freedoms cherished by Daniel and Armand.

So, in “No Letting Go,” I wanted to set Daniel in relation to the AIDS Crisis based on his stance within the broader discourse of queer liberation and the politics of barebacking. Daniel's animosity towards Kramer not only stems from their opposing views on sexual freedom but extends to Daniel rejecting  the safer sex practices Kramer advocated—such as limiting partners, abstinence, or condom use (things which would prove to be keys to survival during the AIDS Crisis). Daniel's perspective on AIDS is framed by his perception of Kramer as an adversary to his personal freedom.

Why should Daniel heed warnings from someone who opposes so much of what defines his community and personal identity?

To end with a content warning (just one of the many things in “No Letting Go” that earns it its place on @devils-minion-cult ‘s Devil's Minion Freak4Freak Porn AO3 list) please be aware that "No Letting Go" includes scenes set during the AIDS Crisis, depicted from Daniel’s perspective with an implicit element of bugchasing: the eroticisation of HIV. For Daniel, this is a natural progression of his established inclination to find sexual thrill in life-threatening scenarios. His tendency to eroticise elements that possess the potential to be lethal translates into a profound sexual stimulation derived from engaging in high-risk sex. And engaging in unprotected sex with a partner who could potentially be HIV positive represents the ultimate risk.

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

Hi! I’ve been following you for a while and so have seen a lot of your 911 content and it’s made me pretty interested in watching the show. (I thought Buck/Eddie was canon for the longest time because of your blog and was genuinely disappointed when i realised they weren’t😭)

I’m very aware though that it may be another queerbaiting situation and I don’t know if I have the energy to invest in that D: Do you think there’s any hope for Buck/Eddie? Should I watch the show despite that?

I'm going to be very firm in my answer here: it is not queerbaiting.

Regardless of whether or not the show goes canon, it is not queerbaiting.

When the Rizzoli & Isles marketing team from day one (literally before the pilot even aired) were putting out billboards and advertisements in magazines going "ooh are they just friends or are they partners in more ways than one?" - that was queerbaiting. They did this throughout the entire run of the show.

When the Teen Wolf team had the actors for the popular ship Sterek cuddling on a boat making shipping jokes and telling us to tune in to the new season of Teen Wolf and winking at us - that was queerbaiting.

When the BBC Sherlock writers threw in line after line of third parties stating that John was married to Sherlock, that Sherlock was John's boyfriend, that John was clearly in love with Sherlock, only for them to turn around and literally make fun of viewers for thinking that they were being serious - that was queerbaiting.

When the Supernatural writers made wink wink references to Dean Winchester knowing about/visiting popular gay bars in Miami and suggesting he and Cas run away to the one state that had gay marriage legalized at the time - that was queerbaiting.

The 911 writers haven't done one of those wink wink references since season two. They have not used the Buddie ship in marketing tools and advertisements. They have not had third parties joke that Buck and Eddie are gay for each other.

The fact that the writers are crafting a story where we, the viewers, see the only logical conclusion to the character arcs being Buck and Eddie falling for each other and dating is not queerbaiting. Queerbaiting is a tactic to lure in a queer audience without any intention of following through.

This 'queerbaiting' accusation is especially heinous in regards to 911 because 911 is a show that has five significant queer characters: Hen Wilson and her wife Karen, Athena's ex-husband Michael, Michael's fiancé David, and Maddie's coworker Josh. Michael and David are currently not on the show due to Michael's actor refusing to follow vaccination guidelines, but Hen and Karen just got a huge damn backstory episode showing how they fell in love.

911 loves and respects its queer characters and storylines, so to have the fandom constantly accusing them of queerbaiting because the ship they want to happen hasn't happened (yet), is insulting and disrespectful, in my very, very, very tired opinion.

So, to wit: whether or not they go canon, Buck and Eddie are not queerbaiting. 911 is not queerbaiting us. Full stop.

Now, we do not know for certain that they will be going canon. The show writers are not going to confirm that ahead of time, just like they wouldn't for a het ship like Bones/Booth, Castle/Beckett, or most recently Chenford over on The Rookie. That would be spoiling a big plot moment if that's where they're headed. So asking for confirmation from them is rather unfair. As I've said before and will say again: no, het ships do not get a guarantee and a pre-canon confirmation. If you think they do, then I would've loved to see where you were in the late 90s/early 00s when I was in the trenches.

However, with het ships, writers will play with the audience and tease them a bit more. Because with het ships, if they do that, they won't be queerbaiting if it doesn't happen. Therefore, the 911 writers are going to stay mum. We won't know from the writers if Buddie is going canon until it's shown on screen through a third party love confession or other means.

Although we do not have a confirmation that they're going canon, I have faith that they are. The writing points to it. I don't have time to list all the reasons. If you go into my blog and search '911 spec' or 'meta' you should get some good results. Otherwise if you go to @extasiswings blog and do some searching you'll see a lot of great meta from herself and others. @yramesoruniverse also has great meta. There are others but I'm fried and rushing out the door so can't think of anything specific at the moment.

My point is, people in this fandom have outlined how the writing in this show, to them, points to Buddie going canon, and I agree. Do some light digging and you'll see.

Finally, a ship going canon or not is not why you should ship something. Ship something because you love the dynamic. Geraskier is never going canon but I'm still having a rip-roaring good time with them. But at the end of the day, nonny, it's up to you.

If you want to wait and watch from the sidelines to see if Buddie goes canon before investing, that's totally valid and your choice. I can't decide that for you. I know what it's like to ship something and hope it goes canon only to have it not come to fruition (RIP Garcy, among others), and it sucks, so I get it if you don't want to do that. But it's your choice and yours alone.

I will say that 911 is a fantastic show even without Buddie going canon, and that I adore every single one of the characters, and I don't even like medical dramas. So I think it's a worthwhile show to get into, Buddie or no Buddie.

To summarize: We don't know if they're going canon yet but it's not queerbaiting, the show is good either way and worth a shot, only you can decide if you want to invest in a ship that may or may not go canon.

I hope you have a good day and take care of yourself. Stay safe.

[bengiyo]

Theory of Love Special Ep (Finale) Stray Thoughts

I am curious how I feel about this as the end of the Theory of Love run. I won't recap since we finished the show, but I went back into my own posts and I previously liked this despite having no memory of it.

Okay, as cheesy as it is, I do generally like when follow up outings acknowledge or tease their critics.

Oh that play with the names. I saw that. It's 2020 and we all verse now. (Side note. I do not remember associating this special with COVID lockdowns.)

It's kinda fun when the epilogue content happens before the actual ending. We know that they will get back together to form Hod Production and that they'll succeed.

Special Episode: Stand By Me

Oh, Third. You really had this man sleeping on the floor for multiple nights. Even as someone who wanted him to suffer, you aren't serious.

I'm not surprised Third and Khai ended up working together, and it's definitely good for Third's ego that Khai is being such a simp.

I was curious what hanging out for these guys would look like now that most of them are in committed relationships and Bone is healing from heartache.

Look at that, Khai. Growth. He was in a situation with some girls and made it clear he wasn't available. I will accept the incoming hijinks from this lipstick.

Yes, Khai, why did you lie?

I snorted at the camera guy having better communication with the director or cinematographer than Khai.

Did this girl suck on his neck? Why is he still hiding it? Just tell Third some drunk girl fell on you. Two saw it and Third trusts Two. Bone gets it.

I'm glad Third is aware that he's cute and actively maintaining it. Gun torments me regularly on IG.

I kinda like that Khai is being so ridiculous about this drunk girl situation. We know he's been at this for almost a year trying to prove his loyalty to Third.

This senior taking the graduation photo from them was one of the motorcycle guys in My Ride.

Aww, Bone. Do you think you're better off alone? Talk to me.

Any time someone points with their lips I laugh.

I love this confession in the car. Third is still testing Khai, but at least he knows Khai wasn't stepping out. I like that the resolution is one about how they're both trying to make this work despite the emotional baggage. I like the version of Khai that wants to honor Third.

These two made it four years and produced a movie together. I believe in their relationship if it's still going strong after making a highly successful film.

I am actually so into Khai doing multiple proposals to Third, elevating it each time.

Well, that was lovely.

Updated Verdict: 8.5, Recommended for Fans of Romance Cinema. I spent a lot of time over the last few days thinking about how I would recommend this series going forward. I think it is good on a lot of technical fronts, and there's a lot to like in the BTS: particularly Off using his own clothes to supplement Khai's wardrobe. Still, this show firmly sits right over the awkward line between BL and queerness that makes me uncomfortable with the genre sometimes.

Third's reticence to Khai only makes sense to me in a world where The Knowing occurs, and yet this is mostly a show in the bubble. So much of what's wrong with Third is because he's let the fantasy of romance films cloud his ability to have a mutually beneficial relationship with someone he loves. I do love when romance interrogates itself, and yet it feels like a hugely missed opportunity to discuss how queer people cannot rely on the presumptions of heteronormativity when building relationships with each other.

Moreover, I struggle with Khai's change narrative because I am not entirely certain who it's for. It reminds me of the Mulan problem, where we have a character who defies norms and expectations and it almost feels like the character exists to point to them and say, "You're not them." I have been hurt by guys like Khai, and none of them changed in a way that ever led to reconciliation for me. It's something I struggle with as I watch this, and it makes me wonder what the outcome of presenting this will be or the femmes and the gays who watch this since the Khai's of the world aren't watching.

Still, I will say that this show has incredibly fun structure if you know the major beats of the films used as the title for each episode. I think Off plays a jerk you begrudgingly want to root for really well. I think Mike actually did a really good job in this show and I apologize to Bone for being so pissy three years ago. Gun is beautiful and so easy to empathize with, but I gotta say that Third is not my favorite character of his.

I am glad @lurkingshan burned her coupons to make me revisit this show, and I've enjoyed having @waitmyturtles and @neuroticbookworm to talk about how I was feeling about things along the way. I don't think I love this show the way you three do, but it is a well-executed narrative doing some interesting things with the romance genre. My lingering hangups, and why I can't take it to a 9, have to do with the mixed bag of queerness in this. Third feels like a repressed gay, and Khai has a legit bisexual awakening, but the other cultural context being missing means it never connects for me as a queer narrative.

This is something I'm thinking about a lot as we head into Cooking Crush, because OffGun always leaves me a bit shaky on that front. On paper it's gay, but it never exactly feels gay for me.

Also tagging @twig-tea by request.

[suspicious-pools-of-blood]

Tag Game

I was tagged by @i-can-even-burn-salad.

Favorite video game: I really like Oblivion and Assassin's Creed; I'll go with AC: Revelations, the third game in the Ezio trilogy. Broadly speaking I think the Ezio games are the best in the series (though I haven't yet played past AC3), but Revelations is set in İstanbul so it's way more fun for me because I can check out all the places I've been irl, and sometimes random characters yell at you in Turkish which is really funny to me now that I can understand them.

Favorite video game character: Yusuf from Revelations because he looks kind of like my brother lmao

Favorite movie or TV series: Shocking absolutely nobody who has ever looked at my main blog, Xena: Warrior Princess.

Favorite movie or TV series character: Xena herself, no question

Hobbies: leatherworking, writing, sketching, rock climbing

Obsessions: Have I mentioned Xena yet? Because whenever I'm not thinking about my OCs, I'm thinking about Xena.

Favorite genre/type of background music for whump daydreams: Usually I listen to specific songs/playlists for my OCs, since my whump daydreams tend to be about specific characters. Genre is kind of all over the place, but tends to be the type of music I would describe as "vibes" (which I'm aware does not narrow it down at all, especially given I probably have a different definition of vibing music than most).

Favorite whump trope: Ough I'm supposed to just pick one?! OK not necessarily my favorite, but one I like a lot, is whumpees whose trauma turns them into whumpers. Cycles of abuse and whatnot.

Favorite whump pairing: Edit: whoops forgot to answer this one. Uhhh can I put my own OCs? Because if so, Elvan and Asenath; more broadly though any pairing where one person gets hurt and the other person goes feral in response, be it out of defense or revenge.

First time you experienced whumperflies: That scene in Disney's Aladdin where Alaadin is in a prison cell with his wrists shackled to the wall above his head. I haven't seen that movie since I was a very little kid but that's the one scene that stuck in my mind haha

Favorite whump scene from a piece of media: A couple scenes jump to mind from Xena. The first is actually from the show Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, of which Xena: Warrior Princess is a spin-off. The episode is called "The Gauntlet" and is one of the episodes that introduces Xena as a character. As the title implies, the climax of the episode is when Xena's general overthrows her and takes her army, and her own soldiers make her run the gauntlet. Joseph LoDuca has my entire heart and soul for the soundtrack in that scene, and the direction is fuckin impeccable. The other scene is from season 6 of Xena's own show, an episode titled "Who's Gurkhan?" in which (for various plot reasons I won't get into here) Xena and Gabrielle both separately sell themselves into slavery to a sultan; Gabrielle tries to assassinate the sultan but Xena sees her about to go for him and knocks her out cold, stealing the knife, so that they would think it was her instead of Gabrielle; she also plays it off as if she was attacking Gabrielle out of jealousy, rather than there being any threat to the sultan. Anyway the relevant bit is that Xena gets taken to the dungeons and tortured at length, mostly just getting the absolute shit beat out of her, including while being hung upside down by shackles on her ankles. 10/10 incredible whump tbh, while there she also hallucinates Gabrielle bellydancing in front of her because that show is gay as all fuck.

A book you would recommend, whump or not: I would highly recommend the historical fiction Lady Slayers series by Lana Popović! There are two books (so far); Blood Countess, about Erzsébet Báthory, and Poison Priestess, about Catherine Monvoisin. They're overtly queer and very very well written (and decently whumpy tbh).

Add your own question: Favorite whump scene from a book?

I'm leaving this as an open tag as usual; if you want to do it, consider yourself tagged!

[diamondcitydarlin]

The double-standard is fascinating, I didn't become aware of it until recently and now I'm lowkey interested in figuring out the psychology of that. The best I can come to at the moment is the difference in framing between Izzy and CJ, perhaps, with a possible hefty dose of not fully understanding what the direction is trying to say with that and/or choosing not to.

Apart from the point where CJ kills Karl and the fun stops, I feel like he's always presented in a much more humorous, light-hearted fashion, and maybe not so much a real or direct threat to Stede (except in Stede's mind) even for as much Stede and CJ himself believe him to be. There isn't a very heavy or emotional hand given to CJ at any point because he's not really meant to be a long-lasting or even sympathetic character. I guess perhaps I'm trying to say that, for some, maybe CJ is a less threatening 'other guy' option. He can play that third wheel/jealous ex in AUs and stuff without there being any REAL concern for the influence he has over a popular pairing or the challenges he might bring them. And maybe more to the point here, I don't think we ever see CJ in any real turmoil over his identity or the things he tries to keep buried because he's not meant to be that much of a dimensional character, he's a one-off. A set villain. His role in this situation is set and clear.

Izzy, however, is a deeply complicated character that I would venture to say we don't fully know yet (I hope we don't, anyway, I want his rich backstory and turmoil to unlock slowly like I'm earning his trust in a game or something lol). He brings a level of emotional intensity that I think some people don't want to have to think about or deal with outside of their chosen pairings and fave characters. Izzy can't and never could be the 'disposable ex boyfriend' like CJ can because there's so much more going on there than that and, honestly, I think there are people who genuinely resent that. Why is this complicated, emotional little rat man disrupting my romance story, I don't want him here, I just want my blorbos!!!

And I have to say also that, historically, especially as queer characters become more openly queer in mainstream media, fandom has not been super kind to queer characters that show intense struggle with their identity- specifically self-loathing characters that take out a lot of their frustration for themselves on others, perhaps. It's hard not to believe that hatred and frustration for that comes from a desire to want to see queerness portrayed in a certain specific palatable way all the time, to the point that sometimes it really seems like (in the opinion of some) there just shouldn't be room for anything else. And that's a problem, obviously, because...that's not a full picture of what being queer is. It isn't cuteness and romance and tropes, it can also be anger. It can be self-hatred. It can be pining from far away. It can be hating others that inexplicably accept all the things about themselves that you can't accept about yourself.

So idk, I feel like in knowing now that the same people who don't think Izzy is an asset to the narrative apparently love CJ I better understand why those people don't like Izzy in the first place. Of course they'd rather have the guy who is more clearly the third wheel and doesn't have any real emotional investment in any one or anything going on. That's the guy that's good for easy drama, the kind where we don't have to worry about his feelings or whatever lol. Izzy, meanwhile, could potentially either kill one of them or join them as a throuple imo.

Ok, new competitor for most absurd Izzy double standard I've seen is one of the blogs who post all those absurd "there's no proof he's really lower class" arguments saying with their whole chest that we know for a fact Calico Jack came from a dirt poor background

[jonathanbiers]

longtime reader first time anon! in regards to the "steve doesn't know what a bisexual is" thing, I'm honestly going back and forth about whether ANYONE in a small town in the mid-eighties would be super familar with the concept — as a bisexual myself I am wondering. researching it hasn't come up with much, because while we know bisexuality was definitely developing as its own movement in queer urban spaces, how much of that permeated middle america?

hi, first of all i’m??? so flattered that you’ve read my stuff and stuck around to read more but anyway, getting to the subject of the discussion,

i mean i live in a small town but it’s not the 80s anymore and i was not alive then, so my perspective is still limited. but it’s definitely feasible to me that he’d be aware of the concept of bisexuality, whether or not he had the vocabulary for it.

but correct me if i’m wrong, we have evidence of him having an idea of the concept of bisexuality in the show when he reassures robin that vickie could still be interested, even if she had a boyfriend? and that smile at the end of vol 2 when he sees them interacting. that’s a “go best friend” smile if i’ve ever seen one, he sees her hitting it off. he knows she has a chance, even after they saw her kissing a guy

and if that’s not enough, david bowie was huge at the time and also known for liking both. this would definitely be talked about in a small town like that, even if it’s just to be derogatory(which lets be real it would) which makes it very hard for me to believe he’s never been exposed to the concept even if he’s repressed his own feelings, which is basically what you’re talking about in the third ask. i hope you don’t mind me condensing them all into one post btw jajdhjdnf

also speaking of your third ask, i’ve lived that too!! this discussion is not about me but i wanted to throw it in there. and my experience is obviously different, but. i spent a good chunk of my self discovery journey identifying as a lesbian when i was, in fact, a transmasc dealing with comphet all along. i repressed the fuck out of my attraction to guys even when i didn’t yet realize i was one. that’s a very very real thing. even while doing things that were (for me) a very obvious sign of attraction. also, if you’re a longtime enough reader to have been around before i abandoned the multi chapter steddie fic that i just haven’t deleted yet, that’s pretty much where i was going to go with that just for the record. him realizing he felt the attraction all along and just repressed it because of (he wouldn’t know the vocabulary but) comphet. not some weird “what do you mean, both?” robin handfeeding him the dictionary definition of bisexual thing that happens way to often in fics to even be funny anymore

which brings me to your second ask. who decided that robin “trips and stutters around pretty girls” buckley and eddie “super super senior dnd nerd plays his guitar so much he learns master of puppets in a couple of weeks” munson are the experts on queer history and would be the ones to explain to poor little dumb baby steve that he’s attracted to both like he’s not a big boy with more emotional intelligence and depth than A LOT of main male characters out there, and who can figure shit out his damn self? please. robin is…robin, we love her, but she’s not giving me “goes to gay bars in indianapolis” vibes. who’s taking her to these, anyway? she can’t drive. she’s underage. definitely not giving me “has a fake id��� vibes, either. try and convince me robin “or rather my mouth moves faster than my brain” buckley could get past a club bouncer. and eddie, bless his heart(affectionate), whether you’re a virgin eddie truther or not, is not some sex god who knows everything about being gay and swoops in to share this privileged knowledge with steve. those fanfics, while a fun fantasy at first, are something i’m sick and tired of seeing at this point. and yet the damage is seemingly done, the fandom has just come to that consensus at this point.

[moonmoonthecrabking]

i'm not active in the heartstopper fandom but i just heard the news about how kit connor was forced to come out and i am absolutely disappointed and disgusted.

i'm assuming that the people reading this post agree with me that a person cannot queerbait. queerbaiting, to my knowledge, is a media corporation promising queer representation (often manifested as a kiss and/or relationship, possibly a coming out scene) by leaving hints but never delivering. for example, bbc sherlock and supernatural were classic cases of queerbaiting, building up pairings to be something but one never coming to fruition and the other immediately giving into bury your gays in the third to last episode.

a person cannot queerbait. some people claim that taylor swift queerbaits, at worst she is participating in some erasure of queer history (eg the colour lavender), but she is not promising anyone of her sexuality, currently presenting as straight. kit connor playing a bisexual character was not queerbaiting. people play characters with a different sexuality to their own all the time (i do it in my daily life). if we, as the council of the queers, claim that straight people cannot play gay characters, or are queerbaiting us if they do so, then we are implying that we can only play roles matching to our own identities.

i am aware that there is erasure present in the media, but i believe that sexuality is an aspect of a character that does not have to be mirrored by the actor. the truth from the story ought to come from the writing and production rooms, sure, or by doing thorough research and hiring sensitivity readers.

kit connor is 18. he should not be harassed for any reason, no one should, and especially not for his sexuality. there are so many reasons someone may not be out. coming out is a journey that can only be defined by the person taking it, as we learnt from heartstopper.

heartstopper and nick's journey is deeply personal to me. that doesn't change based on the sexuality of the actor. i am 17. i am bi. i came out to some of my closest friends while watching heartstopper. they are some of the only people i am out to.

i think that some people, the "chronically online 13 year olds", if you will, don't understand that it is not safe for everyone to be out of the closet, for a variety of reasons. accepting your own sexuality may not be as easy as "oh i want to fuck that person of the same gender as me, turns out i'm queer" and dropping it in conversation to your family. for some people, it's like that, and i'm thankful for them that it is. but there are many reasons someone may not want to come out. they may not be safe to come out in their home. they may fear being ostracised for religious or political reasons, but still desire to be part of that pre-existing community. they may lose their jobs. they may lose relationships. i am a practising christian, in a christian family. they overreacted enough when i joined my school's queer group "as an ally" (which i thought was true at the time), promising that, if i were gay, there would be a far longer conversation. that terrifies me. but i'd like to create sapphic art one day. does my refusal to come out beyond a screen invalidate that?

we don't know what kit connor's conditions were. we don't know what he risked in coming out. we don't know what jobs he may lose, what relationships he may lose, what communities he may lose. it is none of our business. no one owes you their sexuality, regardless of their public position or their relationship to you. my heart goes out to kit connor as he traverses this, and i truly hope he has a strong support system.

[tracle0]

hello hey hi and a splendid saturday to you, I come bearing a question for the wip4 gang and that question is: what is each of their most significant memories? additionally, are there any memories they would jump at the chance to get rid of? ok bye please have an excellent day \o/ (and before you yell at me I'm going to sleep now I swear)

I’m glad that when you even LOOK at me you think ‘oh sleep time’ I am Pavlov and you are my dog and this metaphor is stupid I will answer your question now

I’m gonna... assume this is uhh pre-story question because I know for a fact that at least three characters would change their answer to at least one question if it was post-story. My house, my rules. 

Keaton’s most significant memory is p r o b a b l y the time when he was in year 12 (17), and he was called to the head of sixth form office. He’d been at this school since year 7 (11), and had realised he was trans in year 8 (12/13), and had then been fighting for the right to use his bathroom ever since. This had previously resulted in punishment. In year 10 (15), he made progress, being allowed to use the disabled bathroom, but he wanted the men's bathroom dammit. 

Anyway, called to head of sixth form, assumed it was related to that issue. Pessimistic about the whole ordeal. 

Turned out there was another student in like year 9 who had come out as trans as well, and the school had gone ‘UHHHHHHHHH LET’S DO BETTER THIS TIME’ so Keaton, being the only other trans student in this rural Norfolk school, was assigned as her... mentor??? I guess? 

He was half like ‘fuck y’all’ and half like ‘I will not let this young woman go through the same shit you all put me through, I will guard her like a HAWK’. He was still not allowed to use his bathroom, but he makes her fight a little easier; she’s allowed to use her bathroom in year 10, after he left. They still meet up every now and then for coffee. 

Memory to be rid of: First day on a Professional Set, he walked backwards whilst taking a tea order and fell into a bin. Terrible first impression. He still got jobs afterwards, but sometimes people will be like ‘oh yeah I’ve heard of you you’re the bin guy’ and he wants to punch them. 

This is getting long already I’m gonna put the rest under a cut

I know you’re here for Mika so I’ll go to them, most significant memory: probably his first pride? He didn’t intend to go to pride, but he was in the city on the day of pride and just walked past all these rainbows and flags and people being so open and proud and themselves. He was maybe fifteen, and had been having those fun Gender Feels that you try and hide at age fifteen, because you’re only fifteen and most people tell you you’re not old enough to know anything about yourself, yknow? 

Someone gave him a flyer at one point, and when he got back to his Ultra Christian Household, he hid it and would read through it some nights. When he had it memorised, he started to explore more about queerness online. He’s the guy who can tell you all about LGBT history due to this research. This was only done in the city on the library computers, where his trail couldn’t be tracked. It gave him some sort of start for labels, some sort of safe space, some sort of New Approach to everything he’d been feeling. 

Memory to be rid of: last day in Ultra Christian School. He was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school and it wasn’t awful until he was about fourteen, at which point he started to grow his hair. They told him to cut it constantly. He was punished for it. He kept the hair. 

It got bad but it wasn’t until he was about seventeen that it really buckled; first real notable psychotic episode. He told people, they were convinced it was some sort of possession, convinced he’d sinned, convinced of all these horrible things about him and drove him out until he could ‘act normally’ again. He did not go back. 

In all honesty, the second he turned 18, he took his savings from various dead grandparents and a part-time job, bought a second-hand (maybe third-hand) camper-van and left home. 

He goes back for Christmas only. 

Mooooving on, Lynne! Who I do not talk about enough; she’s also part of the documentary squad, and actually the reason the whole squad exists. Producer and director, she’s very cool okcoolthanks

Most significant memory: That one time she was thirteen and her parents had officially declared their divorce. She was living with her dad and it was really, really weird and she was not enjoying it. Divorce is a big deal to some families, and this family was one of them, and she was really unsure about her entire future. 

Cue Mika, young and mostly obedient, kicking down the door (not literally) and kidnapping her (again, not literally) to come pick blackberries with him (very literally). They stayed out until the sun went down in early Autumn. She forgot about the divorce for a small amount of time. They ended the day eating fish and chips straight from the paper whilst sitting in a tree and talking about nothing important at all. 

They made jam out of the blackberries the next day. It was gross. Both of them refused to admit it was gross. 

Memory to be rid of: She went camping one time with friends from school. Lynne is Muslim and so did not go to Catholic school with Mika, they just lived near each other, and so school friends went ‘hey we’re going camping you should come’ she did come. 

It was a mess. They were fifteen and determined to drink, and English peer pressure to drink is weird, so she did take some drink but didn’t drink it. Someone threw up on her tent and blamed it on her. No-one bought any food or water, the only thing she was able to drink was lemonade bought for mixing and that had ants in it within two hours. 

She woke up first and left them all there, then walked home because she was meant to be lift-sharing. It took an hour and a half. She preferred that to being in the car. 

That group wasn’t her only group of friends, but it was her main group, so things were awkward for a while. 

Moving on from Documentary Squad, Percival! Percy Percival who I wish I could call Percy because it’s so much easier to write. 

Significant memory: winning an art contest when he was like. Eleven. Really living the high-life, ol’ Percival. It was a city-wide contest, with various age categories. He was part of the 11-18 clump, which put him at a disadvantage, but he still won. As a reward, his art was replicated on a mural in one of the shopping malls in town, and he got some fancy vouchers for a fancy art shop in the city. 

Winning the art contest made him go ‘oh wait I’m actually good at this thing I really like doing I should learn how to do that more’ and you could barely pry him away from his sketchbook from that point on. 

Those vouchers were stored away until he was 14 and doing art GCSE, at which point he bought a nice sketchbook and oil paints. He’s now very good at oil painting. I hate him for being good at oil painting. Oil painting SUCKS. 

Memory to be rid of: I’m torn between three and they’re all similar so I’ll go for all of them. 

#1 - losing an eye to Abby’s experiments. You read the lil short story I think (I know I checked just now) - she’s a very kind and loving sister who sometimes moves his body parts around. One time, he lost an eye and went blind for a few weeks. He had nightmares about it for months. It was very painful.

#2 - losing a finger. To Abby’s experiments. It was the middle finger on his left hand and it didn’t go back into place quickly enough - now it’s always numb and discoloured. Good news is he’s right-handed and not a musician so no worries about losing dexterity on that hand. 

#3 - losing two ribs. To Abby’s experiments.  There’s a very clear trend here. She wanted to try moving things she couldn’t see around. She moved two ribs away. She decided it was more dangerous to put them back. Now they just have two of Percival’s ribs lying around. 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

On that note, final person, this is very long. Abby! She’s fun. Most significant memory;

okay the word ‘significant’ has caught me off-guard several times cause like wow how do you figure out significant memories for people. I don’t have just one, yknow? But I think I know one for her. 

She’s the eldest out of her and Percival and, for a while, people wanted her to set an example for him, which she tried to do, but she wasn’t good at what people wanted her to be good at. She’s good with people. She’s good at very specific parts of biology. She’s good at psychology. She’s not good at school and tests. 

So, when Percival started to beat the standards she set for him, her parents almost... egged competition on. Played favourites, compared the two siblings. Nobody really noticed what she could do, they only cared about what she struggled with. And the parents were rarely around to help out with what she was struggled with. So she struggled on and tried to keep her head high.

Cue a family wedding, she was snooping around the snack table at the reception and overheard her parents talking about her. And how they were almost disappointed in her. How they were annoyed that she couldn’t be more like Percival, honestly, what did they do wrong? 

She got bitter. She pretends she doesn’t care but she’s bitter, and with no parents around to lash out at, she lashes out at Percival, who isn’t even aware. Good times. Not good times. Significant times. 

Memory to be rid of: Honestly? Probably hearing her parents talking about her at the family wedding. It stings. 

A n y w a y this was extremely long I like going into detail with short stories, if you read this far then thank you I appreciate it I will give you a feather from my feather collection. Probably a swan feather. I have a lot of swan feathers. 

[fidelishaereticus]

If this is too personal than please do not feel obligated to respond, but how did you know you were nonbinary? I'm trying to figure myself out haha

ah, hello anon! not at all too personal haha, i love to blather about my gender identity to people. so…when i was in highschool, I was not aware of “nonbinary” as a gender identity. If i had been, however, I probably would have identified myself as nonbinary then, because that was when when I started developing a repulsion or disinclination towards thinking of myself as a girl. I thought (and said) things like “i’m biologically female but it doesn’t mean anything to me—it doesn’t mean anything about my mind: I don’t want to be seen as a woman i want to be seen as a person and only a person.” I was asked to do a lot of self-reflection (in a pretty feminist way—but not in a very queer way) about my experience of life (and sexism) as a young woman in a patriarchal society. I hated that, and I couldn’t really justify or pinpoint why other than that i hated thinking of myself as a woman at all. I hated my body at times, because people would look at it and think “woman.” Which is sad, because I really didn’t want (and still don’t want), for example, more body hair or height or a more “masculine” facial structure or anything: I just wanted not to be seen as a woman. I was aware of trans identity, peripherally (though I knew zero trans people and did not have a lot of realistic, positive role models for that), but since I also didn’t identify as a man, I figured I just had to put up with being my assigned gender. I didn’t know there was a third option. Being gendered as “a man,” I felt, would have upset me just as much. All my favourite characters were male, true, but I felt very strongly that they weren’t really men: rather, they were amab people who felt “genderless” to me—characters i could imagine were like me in this regard: that they had an assigned gender but it meant nothing to them, and really they were just people (i didn’t find many afab characters like this because sexism, ugh). When I looked at my options for gender in the real world, I looked at “man” and thought: ew no. I looked at “woman” and thought, also: ew no. I wanted None Of That, but I didn’t feel valid in expressing this, so I just existed uncomfortably as my assigned gender.As i got older, however, I grew increasingly comfortable in articulating my own gender identity as “I’m biologically female but it doesn’t mean anything,” my pronouns as “she/her but in a gender-neutral sense” (see how “he” is sometimes used as gender-neutral in older writing—i was making a feminist point lol). I learned to hate my body less and to give the finger to anyone who implied my body indicated anything important about my identity or my mind. I was in fact getting very close to inventing agender identity on my own when i finally ran into it as an existing thing in queer/LGBTQ communities. To which I immediately responded “YES, THAT ONE! AGENDER. THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO SAY.” I’ve been more strictly agender at various points in the past; right now i’m a little more genderfluid (in that i do like to play with male/female gender occasionally, but never as an absolute), so i’m leaning towards giving my identity as “nonbinary” at the moment (i do still think of myself as primarily agender though).So….this is my story. It’s not the only way to arrive at realising you’re nonbinary though, it’s just the path i took. As many others have said: the only criteria to being any given gender is that you want to be that gender. You don’t even have to hate being your assigned gender (though many people do). When it comes to being non-binary, I say: if you don’t identify as exclusively a man or exclusively a woman AND you have a preference to see yourself (or be seen as) non-binary, you can go ahead and call yourself non-binary. If it’s a useful label for you, go ahead and use it. Also? Deciding upon a label doesn’t have to be as complicated as discovering your True Identity Forever™: it’s ok to change labels multiple times over your life, using whatever feels right or is most useful to you in the moment. Gender is a complicated construct in an even more complicated society, and labels are just tools to help us navigate it as best we can. :) Anyway, best wishes in your genderquests!!! Hope this helps!!

[jackednephi]

Hello! Apologies for sending in an ask so late. I just wanted to reach out because I'm not in such a great place right now. I was wondering, if you found out about your being queer at a fairly young age, how you managed to stay in the closet?? (And, you know, remaining alright, mentally) my parents are extremely homophobic, and it's tearing me apart, especially because I really care about them. Any advice would be great, even if it's not much. Best of luck in everything, and thank you so much ♥️

so tumblr doesn’t always let me know when i have messages >(

that said, i’ll do my best to respond but like it’s going to be long and convoluted so imma include a cut to save dash space. PLEASE KEEP IN MIND i am polyamorous, agender/trans, pansexual, and demiromantic. so like there are various facets of my queerness and they all played into my life differently

feel free to skip close to the end for like “how to stealth” if you don’t have the spoons for like a 20 page autobiography with annotated bibliography

so finding out about being queer is a question that has both a yes and a no answer. it’s more like i was experiencing queerness but didn’t have words for it, then repressed it, then dealt with it. so it’s less “i knew ever since i could form words to describe it” and more my journey was in no way linear

see when i was little, like really little yknow when you start getting your first crushes right around prek and stuff, i had all kinds of crushes. i had crushes on multiple people at once and this has continued straight into adulthood. so, like, sign one of being poly. my friends would have one person they would hardcore crush on whereas i was crushing on people around me, characters in fiction, just like so many people. i remember listing crushes in my journals every now and then and i’d have lists of upwards and over like 20. :/ so i am in no way surprised i’m poly

so far as my sexuality, i didn’t realize i was feeling for certain female friends what i was feeling for boys. partly because i’d be like “oh i want to hold his hand” and because i saw m/f couples holding hands all the time i was like ah! yes! obviously romantic! but i never saw any f/f relationships so i didn’t make the connection that the hand holding wasn’t a friend feeling. i had INTENSE crushes on girls too, just as intense as on boys. but i was used to the media portraying rival nonsense like hannah montana and whatnot so i was like “oh. this is my situation”

there was also a lot of repressing going on because i just didn’t see that reflected around me from media to adults. all i saw were m/f relationships. i knew gay people existed but i thought they were all gay men. when i was somewhere around like 10 or so, give or take, i realized i was crushing on my best friend at the time (a girl) and was like “no. absolutely not” shoved that as far back as possible and ignored it

my demiromanticism is more born of trauma than me being born that way and that’s ok. one of my close friends found out about one of my crushes in the second grade and i was RELENTLESSLY bullied for it. every time i got a crush on somebody, i would end up HARDCORE bullied or they would get weird and things would be awful. i also had boys shove their crushes onto me and not take no for an answer. like i’d have my bra snapped painfully, bugs shoved down my shirt, my stuff vandalized, hair pulled just because i wasn’t interested

like when i was 12, somebody started a rumor that i was pregnant :/ and that’s not even covering my abusive ex or the sexual assaults so like everything kind of came together for that

then there’s my gender. which is its own bucket of worms and kind of played in with my sexuality in certain ways

my parents are boomers, born in 50 and 58. “but vann,” you say, confused “you were born at the end of 94″ and you are correct! i inherited pcos from my mother so i’ll let you put 2 and 3 together as to why i was born in 94 and my brother in 96. i say that because, unlike their peers, they raised my brothers and i radically different from the accepted cultural norms

if i wanted to wear baggy shorts, that was cool. pretty dresses? whatever. same (kind of) went for my brothers. if they wanted to spend a lot of time on their appearance, that was fine and not shamed at all. in fact, it was encouraged because it made them feel good. i played with army men, barbie dolls, cars, a train set, tools, swords, sports stuff, had tea parties with stuffed animals, drew and crafted, etc etc. my younger brother played house with me (and often suggested it himself) and would play with my baby dolls. like had my younger brother wanted a doll, they would’ve gotten it for him. but i had them so he didn’t bother asking for one cause he could borrow mine

so like there was no gender segregation of toys or activities. and that sounds kind of like the bare minimum of parenting but you have to remember that both of my parents grew up in the rural south as boomers. gender roles were violently enforced for them. but they didn’t think about enforcing them for us so far as play and, to a certain extent, dress/grooming was concerned. this created a safe environment for us to be our true selves

so for a very long time, i was comfy saying i was a girl. i played basketball after school and then afterwards would find my prettiest dress and watch scooby doo. gender expression was fast and loose in my house

i contribute that a lot to the fact that my father was too disabled to work. even before then, he had been a nurse and a damn good one. my father has ALWAYS been the go to for when we were sick, injured, etc. my mother had this disconnect with how much concern to show. it was either too much or not enough and was pretty much never helpful. even after retiring, when my nephews came around he was the go to caretaker for them. even now at 70, he frequently goes back to where the children are during family gatherings and keeps watch. much like a mother hen

so he stayed home and did the cleaning and other “wifely” duties. not cooking though because his brain just cannot. my mother worked as a high school teacher so typical roles were entirely reversed. when i was tiny and wanted nothing more than to be a parent? you go, sweetie! when i was older and wanted to be a scientist? achieve your dreams, kiddo! like they were very supportive of my goals no matter what they were

so i just??? didn’t realize????? until i hit puberty somewhere around 9

talk about body dysphoria. i went from looking like my brother and every other kid my age to wow ok there’s hair now??? and my face is all weird???? and oh no why does my tummy feel funny?????????? (sexual arousal was a TRIP to discover as a third grader that i would not wish on any child ever) oh my god WHAT IS ON MY CHEST!? and grown men are hitting on me now??? oh no i’m in fourth grade and bleeding!?

it was not a fun time by a long shot. i started wearing the baggiest tshirts i could possibly find. anything to hide my freakish body, really. so many hoodies. i would swing wildly between hyper feminine expression with tight clothes and heels and hiding everything as much as possible. part of me was smug about being ahead of my peers, for adults to be treating me as more than a kid. but a LOT of me felt like a freak

maturing (mentally) into an adult was a wild experience. i was 13 and looked like i was 21 except for my face. i did everything possible to find comfort with myself from goth/emo expression ro masculine stuff people threw “dyke” at me for and then finally, weaponized femininity. tight tops, tight pants, shortest skirts i could get away with, eyeliner so sharp it could cut god, heels as often as i could including uniform days, perfect hair. i made myself look like a hot, unapproachable goddess

finally, people were too intimidated to approach me and comment on my appearance. i wore makeup like a mask and people who had known me for YEARS were surprised to find out just how big my chest really was. but i walked with murder in my eyes and i was finally treated the same was i was before puberty - completely unapproachable

ALL THAT IN MIND, here’s how i figured my shit out

i was on facebook seeing “gay, straight, black or white, marriage is a civil right” and being typically “it’s a sacred ordinance shyaddap” about it. i ended up on tumblr about idk 15 or so? note, i’d already discovered porn by this time so i was aware that lesbians existed. like just to throw that out there that i wasn’t like totally in the dark when i made my tumblr account. i did it for school to blog about shakespeare for an english assignment. and that’s when my world expanded

bisexual? wow ok! that was a thing! and oh. oh no

there were pretty girls

and pretty boys and pretty people whose gender i had no idea. cosplayers cosplaying as the opposite gender, trans people, and a whole rainbow of people i was suddenly finding attractive. and i had a HARDCORE identity crisis

i liked girls? but was it the same as boys? was i bisexual? that didn’t seem to fit. there was more than two genders right? and trans people existed? bi? was i bi? bi?

bi. probably

but it didn’t feel comfortable like at all. but i discovered a fanfic writer who talked about being pansexual and i looked it up and everything just clicked?? into place????

not to be overdramatic or anything but it was like the stars finally aligned. it felt SO good! so many genders! and it meant all and aliens are a thing, right? who was i to say no to the possibility? but, more than anything, it felt comfortable. like a hug from my grandma. like home

i wanted to scream from the rooftops that i’d figured it out! i found myself! pansexual! I WAS PANSEXUAL! THAT WAS ME! HOME!

and then the reality of living in our society crashed down on me. i continued to talk about the guys i liked around my family but never EVER the girls. i hid my relationship with the person who eventually became my wife. to be fair, i’d hidden all my relationships prior cause i was an IDIOT and had been dating before 16. so that wasn’t hard. but what was was the breakup

previously, i’d been like “you remember that guy i like? he’s a jerk” or some other excuse to cry to my mother. but i couldn’t about cake. so i cried to my bff/twin/sister like i had everything else and moved on. and i just kind of shut up about it to everybody except those closest to me

except that hurt. here i was knowing i was queer and happy about it but people were being homophobic. i don’t know how often i cried myself to sleep after hearing about “those dirty f*gs” cause of the marriage thing. i ended up quietly coming out to my favorite teacher and she dismissed it as trauma response to my then recent sexual assault. she had seemed safe but that was her reaction so i shut up about it

up until, ironically, coming out day october 2011 just before turning 17 that next month. my mother and i were at chilis, she was being homophobic, and i screamed for the whole restaurant to hear that i was queer and the whole base found out. hard to stay closeted after that

i was pretty much out until college when i started going to church in a new place. i just didn’t talk about my sexuality. ever. period. and it was “easy” because i was dating guys. and pretty sure i was a cis woman. so i was stealth passing. and that was ok with me because i was out on campus, vocally and unapologetically

in high school, i dated a trans guy. he introduced me like in a personal way to transness, to binding. i knew i wasn’t a man but it intrigued me. and in college where nobody knew me, nobody knew me as femme fatale black widow i had a chance to explore my gender. i discovered that loose tshirts made me feel really good. as did other comfy things like shorts and sweats. sometimes i wanted to look fancy or felt like wearing a dress. really, i kind of reverted back to who i was in childhood

i felt weird when i heard my birth name. i’d gone by a nickname for so long, i just chopped off the y (vanny) to vann so it sounded more adult. it felt good. so i identified, tentatively, as nonbinary. it was around this time the trans dude i dated and i fell out with each other because he thought me playing around with my gender was like mocking his transness. or something. idk dude was toxic trash

so i wasn’t male or female then? nah that didn’t feel right. i wasn’t some third androgynous gender. but sometimes binding and passing as a man felt good and sometimes passing as a woman felt good. genderfluid then? was i a man who liked to wear dresses? no. didn’t feel right. made me uncomfortable

eventually, things clicked for me with agender the way they had with pansexual the fall of my third year of undergrad. stars aligned, the universe smiled upon me, and i was THRILLED. like gender euphoria is REAL and never before had i felt so comfortable in my own skin. i remember literally weeping with joy. like i’d been going with they/them/their for a couple years at that point

i came out to my parents about that one pretty shortly after realizing it because i was OVERJOYED. they’d been working on calling me vann for awhile at that point and the pronouns. i’ve since learned that so long as soebody has my name, 90% of the time i legit do not care what pronouns somebody uses. im aware that people perceive me differently and it’s fine. i mean neutral pronouns fill me with euphoria but like it’s fine. so long as somebody doesn’t mistake me for cis

my parents are like so great about it now. they correct people who deadname me (except my grandma cause she’s like 85 and i gave her permission years ago) and my mother straight cut contact with family members who refuse to respect me. except my brothers but like she makes it clear whenever they’re going to be awful that she WILL NOT tolerate it. like they don’t dare trash me in front of our father. he’s old now but he will backhand one of my brothers for that and they know it. so they try it with our mom and she’s like “try it again and you won’t hear from me until you apologize for trashing your sister”

i realized i was poly when cake came back into my life. that was a serious mess involving their abusive ex girlfriend but we clicked and it ended up working so yknow. that was my easiest coming out actually. my parents were like “yknow, you always seemed to love people when you were a kid. and you had SO many crushes. makes sense” which was awesome. it was the most difficult emotionally but  the easiest because i’d already come out twice before so it was whatever

the demi thing was discovered in therapy. and like it doesn’t have much in the way of impact like the other things do. so i never really came out about that? there wasn’t really a point? like i talk about it when it comes up but it’s just whatever. i honestly have no idea if i ever told my family?????

WITH THAT NONSENSE IN MIND, HERE’S HOW TO STEALTH AND BE OK MENTALLY

you said homophobic so im gonna assume you’re not straight. no idea about gender and, honestly, so far as gender goes i’ve seen it’s safer to lean into masculinity than it is femininity. so if you’re amab, i don’t really have tips or tricks for that as i’m afab. with being afab, lean into the tomboy aesthetic so you seem acceptably (safely) your assigned gender. i recommend fun lipstick and nail polish colors. sparkly nails did wonders for me honestly

but for like not straightness. that’s a tightrope that is but a gossamer thread to balance. like there are ways to stealth gender expression and feel affirmed but queerness is a different animal or it was for me

so i had AT LEAST one space in my life where i was 100%, unapologetically, loudly out. like i’m here, i’m queer and flying my rainbow flag and not at all sorry about it OUT. for awhile, it was just my very closest friends in the whole world. then it was tumblr. then i made a facebook for people irl i could trust. 0 family and 0 people who couldn’t be chill about it

like having a carved space for you to just be the authentic you, whatever that is. for me, that’s all this queer mess, the polycule that is my family, my faith, my absolutely foul mouth, my mental illnesses, my love of good coffee or a glass of wine every now and then as a rare treat, the good and the bad the ugly and the uncategorizable all together. the struggle with the word of wisdom AND the love of my spouses. all of that

it’s affirming to have this space where you’re yourself and people accept you for who you are rather than what gets your engine revving. but you’ve also got to try and stealth that into wherever you can. you want a dyke spike? go for it and say it’s a pixie cut. plaids are in right now which is a lowkey signal to other queers you’re a queer too no matter your gender. just depends on what shoe you pair it with and other queers will take notice while non queers will just think you’re trendy

it was also fun for me to get that pan flag aesthetic wherever i could. like blue/pink galaxy type eyeshadow that wasn’t too peacock flashy so it looked Hot without being Obvious and a pink lipstick and yellow nails. like it was subtle but i knew what was going on and it felt good. i did the same with rainbows but i had more to work with there. like i’d have an inconspicuous notebook where i’d paint/paste a rainbow on the inside cover so that it was Normal from the outside and BAM! GAY! on the inside. did that with highlighting my notes too

i just kind of stuck it everywhere i could possibly get away with. people were excited to see me go from emo to bring colors becuase “oh wow! you’re finally not sad!” lol no i’m just stealth queer over here

i also wrote SO MUCH queer fanfiction. i didn’t publish any of it just in case but i have notebooks full of stuff. i also rped with people as a way to live vicariously through characters. i also READ a lot of queer fanfiction actually. i saved all kinds of fanart and photo manipulations of certain pairings together. like i couldn’t be out so i could have fiction where others were

i also poured myself into hobbies. i fenced, did karate, learned japanese, participated in drama club, played in a band, took piano lessons, taught myself to draw, journaled, learned to cook, read amazing books, played video games, learned to sing. like i’m sure there are other things i’m forgetting? basically, if it was EVER covered in a young women’s activity pretty much anywhere in the world, i learned at least those basic skills. like i can embroider now even

so like that’s how i stealthed and stayed sane. i was also in therapy where i was out to whatever therapist i was seeing at the time which ABSOLUTELY helped. i also made like queer playlists i would listen to. like same love, i kissed a girl, born this way, etc that i would listen to when i needed to just sink into it. music in general is super cathartic and i’ve gotta say green day, acdc, evanescence, bon jovi, etc got me through some tough shit

i also yelled at god. i yelled at god a LOT actually. like i know we get told “pray for comfort” but sometimes you need to bawl your eyes out and just SCREAM at the almighty. dude can take it. he’s god after all. he can handle our anger. it isn’t disrespectful. like if you ever do cross a line, he’ll let you know. like your thoughts will hard stop. you’ll know

but empty your lungs screaming in pain. let him know it isn’t fair, you’re not happy. beg for relief from the nightmares you’re living. demand to know if or when it’ll ever get better. burn yourself out yelling and crying and fall asleep drenched in tears. then wake up the next day and live your life and you know what?

you’ll feel better. maybe not a lot sometimes and maybe everything is cool for once in forever. but it definitely helped me a lot. like dude listens and you WILL feel better even if the things around you dont get better. you get some strength to get through and be ok and it’s super helpful

but that’s what i got. also bear in mind that i came out to thousands of people by yelling at my mother in a restaurant when all the ships were in because everybody in said restaurant texted everybody they knew and my texts were flooded in like an hour of “DON’T TELL ME YOU CAME OUT TO YOUR MOM LIKE THAT OMG” and “you’re queer!?” so like

i’m not the best when it comes to stealth queering so take my advice with a grain of salt

[rpbetter]

As a female I get tired of seeing psa post about /It's important to treat female muses with respect/ or /Female muses deserve better treatment!!/ it's this constant thing I get slapped in the face by mutuals who reblogs that once in a blue moon, but ignore male muses or treat them like shit. I'm sorry to come off as sexist, I wish people would look out for male muses too and those who are gay since they get the short end of the stick and not appreciated. Don't get me wrong it's important to respect all muses regardless of their gender, but these post are coming off as quite feminist and Tumblr is known for being a man hater. I feel really bad for saying all of this.. I'm sorry for this rant, RPbetter. I just need to let it off my chest.

It's all good, Anon! I did tell y'all you could do exactly this!

I know, as in, I can actually feel the hackles of the RPC rising preemptively, this is going to rub people the very, very wrong way...so, I'm asking you to at least try to put that on hold and consider some things about this as a different view from what you've experienced before you get angry with Anon or myself.

Because I think the issue with this, and all PSA's that are especially full of delineation like these are, is that it isn't going to be everyone's experience in the RPC.

We tend to feel like the RPC is our little corner, or for some of you, vast empire. Sometimes, an overlap of both - our little area we have cultivated with our mutuals, our preferred resource blogs, all the blogs that branch off from us and the larger RPC specific fandom community we're a part of. I mean, I know my fandom is huge, my highly cultivated homestead within it is tiny.

I also interact with people from equally huge RPC fandoms. So, between the two, I see some major differences. The differences in some of the minuscule RPC corners I have people in can be even more extreme.

Example?

I have a mutual who is open to crossovers and spends time in three bigger fandoms with their muse. The muse is highly desirable in the fandom they come from, had no issue adapting and being desirable in the second big one, but in the third, it was quite different. Same approach that worked out wonderfully everywhere else did not work in this third fandom because the muse...is female in a male and gay ship predominant fandom. So, while this mutual never experienced trouble getting/keeping interaction and respectful treatment of their muse/themselves everywhere else, they suddenly got slapped with it there. It's often a problem of specific fandoms and their material.

Another example?

Myself.

My main muse is everything that the more hateful PSA's of this sort say is the desirable muse that unfairly gets all the attention and respect: extremely well-known main character, conventionally attractive, male, white, young, and the way he presents in canon, you can play with HCs about him being not being cishet pretty easily. Highly shippable muse that can be made even more so without messing with canon much, if at all.

So, you'd think that I would never have any trouble getting interactions, ships that I want, plots I want, and good treatment of my muse (I mean by other muns, other muns not being total assholes about my muse, what happens between muses, when it isn't directly due to the mun's attitude, is different), right? I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I have the interactions I want, they're perfect. I have the writing partners I always wanted, the best ships, stunning plots, but that's entirely because I am OC and crossover friendly. I'm open to accepting writing partners based purely on the writing. My own fandom does not like my muse, outside of one specific version anyway, the canon ship is not supported, the popular fanon ship is likely to get you a callout in the RPC.

In my fandom, the female muses do get more respect and attention for the most part. It's one of those fandoms pretty into...well, fandom as an act of activism. That's not to say, before anyone loses it on me, that creating or picking up a female muse is doing it for woke points. Just that there is a rather open prerogative in my fandom to create/choose muses based on the idea of "representation" and "fixing canon." If you have one that is like mine, you're automatically assumed to be a lot of really shitty things. Getting called a school shooter, love that for me.

The whole "respect female muses or die" take isn't necessary there, it's the take. Doesn't stop it from coming around weekly, though, so I do feel you on this, Anon.

Furthermore, I'd personally prefer it if we'd all consider getting back to the take of just respecting muse choices and writing, period. People are always going to have preferences, in one place it might align with your own, in another it doesn't. That's perfectly alright and does not mean anything horrible about those people unless they're actively being horrible with it!

Preferring female muses doesn't mean you're a radfem, preferring (or just having even one) a f/m ship does not mean this or that you're homophobic either, nor does it make a bi/pan muse suddenly heterosexual and "bad representation/you're just saying they're bi and that's gross." Just means those are the ships that developed.

Preferring male muses doesn't mean you're "part of the problem" or "taking the easy way," and having or preferring a queer ship does not mean you're a "nasty fujoshi." It also doesn't invalidate what someone has established about their muse's sexuality, a bi/pan muse isn't Gay Now because their primary ship is m/m.

And that's to say nothing of how weird, and often at least mildly offensive, all of this is to both muns and muses that are not on the gender binary. You should probably consider that before you keep implying to a mun that the muse they've established as not cis is exactly that.

Or, that writing a female muse might be impossible for some muns for more reasons than just preference, a thing that is valid enough on its own. A decent number of muns in the RPC are also not cis, this may be the only safe place for them to drop being gendered as they were assigned at birth, it might even trigger dysphoria for them to write a female muse. I know that I am incredibly uncomfortable writing female muses. It's a little ridiculous to keep dropping the implication to outright demand that everyone needs to do their part in filling the female muse quota in the RPC or they're misogynists and/or phobes.

My experience, and I am not alone in it, has been getting plenty of shit for having male muses only, always assumed to be cisgender and often heterosexual. Plenty of shit for not writing the canon as cishet, too...and plenty more for my main ships being with female characters because they're the ones that worked out and stuck around.

No one is lying when they say that there are places where their male muses and queer ships are not looked on positively.

The thing is, I also witness female muses being treated like shit, yes!

And I will say, that treatment is so much worse if the muse is also an OC, has a canon f/m ship they'd like to write or just to write a ship with a canon if they're an OC, or they're certain types of female muses. Because the demands do not stop at being female. You also have to write a Strong Female Character to be of interest, and she had better be available to shipping and smut while not presenting as too sexually open. It's become an impossible obstacle course.

I see it on the dash, I see absolutely valid complaints, and the majority of my friends write female muses. I'm very aware of the problems they've faced, bias against them does exist!

Example of this?

Writing partners who have both male and female muses experiencing, repeatedly, their male muses being picked over the female muses, and their emotionally softer or less sexually available female muses being chosen dead last. The writing is great, these muses are well-done and interesting, easy to interact with, but they'll get told on the blogs for the male muses that they're only interested in them, the other mun having missed that this is the same mun behind both muses.

And it always comes down to wanting to ship m/m. Even when the muse is established as being heterosexual, they'll just keep trying to push it into happening with their male muse. If your male muse is heterosexual, that is like a violent act against the whole RPC.

So, that's also absolutely not a lie either, it does happen, it is a problem. It's valid to be upset about this!

In my opinion and experience, these are both significant problems predicated upon the same, overall issues:

not respecting choices and preferences equally

performative activism in fictional communities

requiring personal information as justification in order to respect choices/preferences as valid and not problematic

not being interested in writing for its own sake and characters for their own sake, but rather, what they say about oneself/in validation and display of one's ideals and/or personhood

not understanding that just because a character is x, y, or z does not, actually, make them interesting or a good character, let alone to everyone

So, I really think the answer here isn't saying that there is a single problem with muse gender across the board, everywhere and without variables, and demanding that people "respect," a thing that actually translates into "you must accept all of x as writing partners no matter your interest in them or viability, as writing partners" all of any one type of muse. I think that's just weirdly pressuring and remaining at a distance from the incredibly simple answer of accepting that people have preferences that do not always benefit you, that you might even find offensive, but that's a right they have.

It's okay if you're not interested in the conventionally attractive, canon male muse, even if someone has HC'ed him as queer. It's okay if you're not interested in the Strong Woman female OC, even if someone has given her other labels of significance. It's okay if you're not interested in someone's well-developed, well-written female OC or canon, someone's male OC or canon, or someone's proudly genderless creature. (Again, don't come at me folks, I literally call myself that, it's a joke based on the way people who do not ascribe to the gender binary can be treated/viewed by others who do, thanks!)

Your likes and dislikes are okay! Even if they're "not inclusive," yes. So long as you're not being a fucking bigot, you're alright. It isn't anyone's job here to be correct the ills of reality in their fiction, let's just all start focusing less on the fine details and more on respecting each other regardless of whether individual preferences benefit us or not.

Forcing people to interact based on guilting or shaming them is the opposite of the answer. Always. And just because it is one extreme in your RPC area does not mean it's like this in everyone else's. I'm genuinely sorry that anyone has experienced negative things based on such ridiculous factors, but please, be sure you're not turning around and doing the same shit to someone else.

Going to repeat:

Forcing people to interact based on guilting or shaming them is the opposite of the answer. Always.