#that's self love babyyyyyyyy

[chocottang]

post canon designs for when they get cured <3 /j

i added the canon designs next to them bc i was going to add design notes but i gave up so im gonna write it here and you can just. look at them

OK. yapping time. lets start with cami!!

the biggest change is obviously the hair. i interpret her hair in canon to be a way for her to hide, both her evilll intentions and her true self as a way not to get hurt, it also adds to her being mysterious. i apply this not only to the bangs hiding her eyes (the windows to the soul...) but also her whole hair, that's why in the canon design i exaggerated its length and made it kind of.. curl inwards like wrapping her. its hiding her, it's protecting her, it's suffocating her, it's making her mysterious. yes i'm obsessed with her hair. the blunt cunt can also be a sort of sign of her being polished, you gotta maintan those perfect ends so it doesn't look bad.

so. in her post-canon design the hair gets CUT into a bob. that symbolizes cami being open and honest, no more hiding! no more mystery! also, she's letting people see her, she's willing to make connections, meet people, love and be loved. but it also makes her more vulnerable, she can be judged more easily, hurt again more easily, but she accepts that possibility because know she knows how to navigate life and her own emotions with the help of her friends yippieeee

also, she still has the blunt cut because at the end of the day she's still the same person, and is in fact very polished and quite serious, but the braid can get quite messy, and that shows that she's more willing to accept her own imperfections

i took the braid from the hairstyle she has in her song bc its specific to her!! no more copying joy!! but still, its similar bc joy does also wear a braid, but cami puts her own spin to it. like, instead of trying to copy and be joy, she can just take inspiration from her and admire her while keeping her own style. on the topic of personal style, i added a black petticoat under her skirt to further personalize her uniform (also it made me think of witches hehe, yes shes not gonna do evil magic anymore but that´s still one of her interests and something she has done which she has to own up to and account for) and made her ribbon curl to allude to a chameleon's tail.

also. goldami earring

ok its golden time

longer hair!!!!!!!!! bc when he left his home he let his hair grow cuz he couldn't cut it and now he's just embraced it. it's about being rebellious, it's about rejecting gender norms, it's about embracing gender non comformity! not only can nobody tell him what to wear anymore, but also he's not letting the years of indoctrination and societal standards that still haunt his every move get to him babyyyyyyyy

i got COMPLETELY rid of any yellow or gold colors, no more golden boy persona, no more influence from the golden family, yes independence! grandpa cant get to your head anymore! now he's finally wearing the uniform, although very personalized. green sweater because green!!! when he's on his own he's shown to wear it a lot in canon!

made him wear flare pants just because i think they look fun, kind of a more fem twist ig. golden painted the pink flowers himself, they represent his bond with joy! a reference to the flower they hold in inoki and the pink used in the visuals of the song, too. the family's sexist double standards won't poison their relationship anymore!

decided to go for a ribbon instead of a tie to follow with the gnc look + because ties are considered very formal, and formal clothes are exactly what he was forced to wear, so no more! now he gets to wear normal clothes for normal situations.

i tried to make him more chubby but idk if its really that noticeable, but yea. accepting his natural bodytype

and, of course, goldami earring.

i may use these designs in other drawingssss so now u know the timeline lmao

[yuwuta]

Well now mie how do u think all your favs sleep? I can’t really imagine anyone else but I feel like yuuji and eren have to be held to fall asleep. Like head on your chest arms around your waist and WONT move. I think yuuji sleeps like a rock like could sleep through anything. And ofc katsuki goes to bed at 7pm sharp. I’ve never considered satoru sleeping in fetal position but now that u mention it..

yuuji lovesss to hold and be held! he does it all 🙂‍↕️ i think he’s just cuddly and touch is a way to soothe him. if you pay attention, you can see him doing it self-soothe too; rubbing his hands together, lightly running his own fingers against his forearm, curling into himself on the couch when he’s watching tv or leaning into a pillow, wrapping himself up in blankets—if he can’t drape himself onto somebody else, he’ll find away to curl up his own body, so being held is so lovely to him. it comes naturally to him the way the self soothing does, like it’s easy for him to find space in you? lay on you or put his head on your shoulder or in your lap or lace your hands together. he definitely sleeps like a rock lmfaooo if you wake up before him and he’s on top of you, good luck. you’re not moving for a while; the fire alarm could go off and yuuji would be sleeping soundly on your chest without a care in the world

eren is much more demanding about it, but also less natural. it takes him a minute to realize he’s agitated because he’s not holding you, and when he does figure it out, he can be kind gruff. pulling at you to lay down so he can rest his head on your tummy, pulling your phone out of your hands so your fingers can be in his hair instead. it’s not even a pride thing, he just… it’s like he’s on the edge and he needs that relief sooner rather than later yk

katsuki going to bed at 7pm is so real to me he’s such a boomer with his routine omfg. he takes his sleep seriously. if you asked him honestly, he’d say he sleeps the same with or without you; which isn’t meant to be mean it’s just that he’s extremely self sufficient and efficient with what he does. he knows how to fall asleep even when his mind is restless, he knows that he should sleep on his side when his head hurts even if he prefers to sleep on his back, he knows elevating his feet sucks and is slightly uncomfortable but it has to be done when he’s injured. katsuki knows how to take care of himself and he takes it seriously for a bunch of reasons, but one of them is because of you. he doesn’t want you to worry about him, and he wants you to believe he can handle caring for himself and for you, too. he’s reliable, he wants you to rely on him, he’s proving to you that he’s capable. he knows neither of you need each other, but you want each other and that’s something important, too. he likes holding you, he wants to hold you, he likes that you want to hold him, too.

satoru sleeps like a babyyyyyyyy. fetal position while hugging a pillow or the nearest object. he also does the dad thing where he says he’s gonna rest his eyes and then falls asleep right away. he canonically has a terrible sleep schedule, so he’s used to sleeping in odd places; learned to curl himself up because couches in the teacher’s lounge don’t account for his overgrown limbs, spends so much time crouching down that it feels like a natural resting position when he finally does get to sleep. it’s also a way for him to stay guarded when he’s sleeping. when he does get the chance to sprawl he takes up A LOT of space, but that’s proof that he trusts you. he’s vulnerable when he’s sleeping, and sleeping on his back with his limbs thrown every which way means you can get to him at any angle. you can lay on his stomach, curl up into his side, lay on his thighs, put your head in his neck. you can get to him… he likes it… that you can touch him and be On him. sometimes tho, when it’s really cold or he’s really tired or the weight of everything is too much, he goes back to fetal position, desperate to fit his limbs into the crevices of your own, desperate to fit and fit and fit and be a piece of you

[cheonstapes]

hiii ! hoping ur doing well 🤍 soo i was meant to send this drawing back when u made that shopping drabble with miguel but i ended up never doing it bc i never finished the drawing 😭😭 i’ve only done flat colours and gave up since i suck at shading but i hope u like it ! 💋 (i made it self indulgent whoops soz .. also don’t look at his hands plz)

BABYYYYYYYY OMG I LOVE IT!!!!!! THIS IS MAKING ME WANAN DO MORE NERD MIGUEL SHOPPING FICS 🥲 THIS IS SO FUCKING CUTE, AND THE GIRL IS SO SEXY UGHHHHH

SEND ME ALL YOUR DRAWINGS, PLEASE, THIS IS THE BEST GIFT TO COME BACK TO o(>ω<)o

[biohazard-inevitable]

New Recruit

Chronologically, this is part 16 Of The Dragon and The Fox Overwatch self insert fanfiction, though this is technically the beginning of season 2 so I will be calling it S2P1 and so forth, but…

Hello~ we’re BACK BABYYYYYYYY!!!!~~~~~ new adventures and new chaos waiting to unfold!!!!! And this is all of course @emile-hides ‘s fault, so you can thank him for the junkenstein revival of this series!!!

Oh also, link to part 1 here

“All-righty cyborgs and gentleman! This is your captain speaking!” Came the chipper, high voice from the cockpit of the shuttle that the two Shimada’s sat in, soft smiles plastered upon their faces as they indulged the whims of their pilot. “We are about to land at the Gibraltar base, the temperature is a lovely 21°C with delightful sunny weather!”

“You ready, Ibotei?” The elder asked, giving his brother’s hand a gentle, affirming squeeze.

“As I’ll ever be meeting government officals…” Zayne laughed nervously, leaning on his brother’s shoulder with a soft sigh as he looked up towards where Lena was staring back at them from the cockpit, having flicked on the autopilot landing.

“You’ll do great!” She affirmed. “I just know it! Captain Morrison really isnt that scary!”

“No kidding! That privledge went to commander Reyes.” Genji snarked. “Morrison is a big softie compared to him. Though I wonder, what exactly did you do to get a criminal record?”

“Oh you’ll both find out once we get inside! Morrison has the list!” Lena chirped innocently as the shuttle finished it’s landing sequence. “There are so many bright new faces for you to meet!”

With a quick flurry of taps along a keypad, the rear ramp of the shuttle hissed open to reveal a man in a deep navy colored uniform with short, well groomed hair as blonde as sunlight and calm, prideful eyes like the rolling waves the deepest ocean.

“Genji!” He greeted with a cheerful smile. “It’s been far too long! Glad to have you back with us, and you’re looking better than ever!”

“It’s good to see you too Jack.” Genji chuckled electronically as he approached the blonde man casually to geet his firm handshake. “It has certainly been a long time since we last met, and hopefully under better circumstances this time.”

“Well you seem perfectly healthy, so not quite a trip to Angela again, and more talkative this time!” The man- Jack- jabbed with a playful elbow nudge to the cyborg’s side before glancing over at the small man still hiding in the shadows of the shuttle’s cargo dock. “And that must be the brother you told us about? The one you’re vouching for?”

“Yes, though I wasn’t aware he had a record.” Genji chuckled softly, nodding his head in a gesture for his brother to join him. “I’m awefully curious of what such a record contains, though I have my suspicions on some things. Nonetheless, he is a good man, I know it. Besides, you were willing to take Cassidy on.”

Slowly, from the shadows Zayne walked, his gaze neevously angled at his feet as he joined his brother’s side, not sure what to make of the man before them.

“Well, Reyes technically took him on, but yes, I’m sure its no problem.” Jack chuckled before extending his hand to the youngest Shimada. “Hello, I’m commander Jack Morrison. Leader of the Overwatch.”

“I’m Zayne Shimada…” He mumbled, cautiously taking the hand offered which was returned with a firm shake. “You aren’t going to arrest me, are you?”

“Honestly? We should, if only for your mild acts of terrorism, but your brother is willing to vouch for you, and I’m willing to look past it so long as you are willing to make some agreements while we have you complete some paperwork but, we’ve had worse cases then yours as members.” Jack responded with a slight chuckle. “But its nice to finally put a face to the name! You’ll fit in just fine here, I’m sure of it.”

“If you say so.” Zayne chuckled awkwardly ad he was released from the handshake and Commander Morrison began to walk off towards the main building with a wave enticing the brothers to follow.

“So when were you gonna tell me you’re technically classified as a terrorist?” Genji jabbed as he skipped along after his brother with a shoulder bump.

“Mmmh, was hoping to wait about as long as you did in telling me you were still alive.” Zayne replied with a sly shrug and a smirk. “Possibly never.”

“Touchè.” Genji replied with an electronic hum. “How did it even happen anyways?”

“Lets just say back when I was working with Hanzo, we got into some… interesting situations and may have made friends with some Australians.”

“Australians???”

“I’m sure they’ll debreif you on my list of crimes once we actually get in there, and those who I committed crimes with.” Zayne sighed as he caught up to the Commander. “Though do know, the buildings I destroyed were corporations who had it coming.”

“The fucking WHAT-“

“Quite the brother you’ve got there Genji!” Lena snickered as she blinked over to catch up with the boys. “This year’s going to be a lively one for sure!”

~~~~~~~~~~

It was weird, walking through the halls of a military outpost freely, not having to sneak around camera blindspots, and strangest of all be escorted around like a guest by the head honcho! Zayne wasn’t sure if he liked it, though it was nice not to have to avoid guards like the plague for once.

Eventually, the group arrived at a small interrogation style office room, which wouldn’t be that strange if it werent for the enormous silverback gorilla sat at the other side of the desk, a pair of glasses sat newtly on his face and a bannana casually in hand. It felt like something almost out of a fever dream, and what happened next baffled the ninja even further.

“Genji!” The gorilla greeted with a toothy smile. “Good to see you again!”

“Ah Winston!” Genji responded cheerily without batting an eye. “Overwatch’s favorite monkey, how have you been?”

“Well- actually, and I hate to interrupt,” Zayne piped up, giving his brother a soft nudge. “Hes not a monkey, hes a Great ape. Very different groupings.”

“Okay nerd.” Genji sassed with a gentle smack to the back of his brother’s head.

“Oh I like this one.” The ape responded with a deep chuckle as he turned his attention over to Zayne before extending a hand to the young Shimada. “I’m Winston, a scientist here at the facility. I’m mostly here to hand you your paperwork and help walk you through it, though I admit I was also curious to meet the new recruit joining us! Oh and, Genji already informed me about your peanut allergy, and just know, I have a tendency to indulge in peanut butter from time to time, it goes very well with bannanas.”

“Well, thanks for the heads up.” Zayne chuckled softly. “Though, I’m still a bit amazed to be talking to well- a talking gorilla! How did that even..?”

“Well, I was born of brilliant minds and raised on the moon by humans! I could go into morefacinating details, but I’m afraid thats a subject for another time as its a terribly long explanation!” Winston laughed softly as he placed some paperwork in front of the young ninja. “Anyways, todays discussion is more about you and where you lay in regards to the team here at Overwatch, which, weclome welcome by the way! Its great to have you!”

“Thank you!” Zayne smiled softly, sitting down at the table. “I’m actually surprised how nice you guys all are! I was really expecting to be arrested almost immediately and locked away forever, at least until I called in some favors and busted out.”

“I’d have liked to see you try!” Winston chuckled. “But, no, no no. We’re quite the understanding group here, I mean, we’d need a bit of any talents we can get if we’re to take on the remnants of the omnic crisis! We cant really afford to be picky even if we wanted to!”

“Allright, well, this is going to be very boring!” Genji announced as he clapped his hands together. “I’m going to have Lena give me the rundown of your crimes if you’re alright being left with Winston?”

There was a subtle concern to his voice hidden amidst the playful tone as he rested his cybernetic hand on his brother’s shoulder, giving a hesitant squeeze to ask if he’d be alright. A squeeze that Zayne returned with a soft smile as he responded.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine, just meet back up with me in whatever place you guys call a mess hall around here?”

“Of course Ibotei, see you soon.”

It took a moment for Genji to remove his hand from his brother’s shoulder, ever the loyal shadow that had guarded the young ninja during his time at the Shambali monastary, now finally having to seperate so his brother could fill out tedious paperwork regarding many, many crimes he had comitted, though in his heart he knew he was in good hands. After all, these were the hands that had caught him when he fell from the Shimada clan entirely.

“Alright, lets begin!” Winston spoke, adjusting his glasses as Genji left the room.

Boy, were they in it for the long haul.

~~~~~~~~~~~

And just for fun, here are the crimes as follows:

Breaking an entering

Multiple speeding violations

Grand larceny

Grand theft auto

International terrorism

Murder-for hire

Conspiracy to commit murder

Vandalism

Arson

Extortion

Acts of non-permitted Demolition

Criminal Anarchy

S2P2 here

[evilblot]

Tagged Summoned by @fullmoondagger, thanks king!

Last song: Relax by Frankie goes to Hollywood. Another song that's been forever ruined by a movie I recently watched and now activates a pavlovian response everytime I hear it (<- starts foaming at the mouth but at least they don't want to kill the president of Malaysia. Yet.)

Fave color: FUCKIGN PURPLE BABYYYYYYYY

Currently watching: The entirety of Will Ferrell's filmography. All of it. I can feel my brain atrophying and shrivel with each one I manage to finish (with a few exceptions), but trust me: this suffering is not for nothing. I have a plan (<- the brain rot wrote this)

Last movie/TV show: Bewitched. The.. the 2005 version. It was cute I guess. It definitely didn't fill my brain with ideas about doing a themed AU but with werewolves or similar beasts ahahaha..!

Currently reading: Nothing, unfortunately. I got some titles I'd like to get back to now that I've got a little more time, but I still need to find the mental capacity to sit down and actually read :')

Sweet/Savoury/Spicy: All of them! Combined, possibly. Like hot honey-glazed spare ribs.... Hrrmrmm.. Dammit, I'm salivating like a starving dog now, help dhjshsjs

Relationship status: People say I'm a self-insert Mary Sue slut... but the truth is, I have fifty BILLION boyfriends. And they all love me. And you're just mad that I'm having WAY more FUCKING FUN than you EVER WILL. You know, what's your damage? Maybe you should try having fifty BILLION boyfriends too, because then you might not be such a salty, jealous bitch. I'm just sayin.

Current obsession: Do I... Do I even have to say it? Take a look around and take a wild guess. The hints are there I prommy fjsbxjdls BUT!!!! I'm also going back to being obsessed with 3D sculpting since I'll be soon finally able to carry out the insane ideas I got... SOON!!!!! *cackling like a mad man*

Last thing you googled: How to stream movies on discord. And once I figure it out, we're gonna watch the Barbie movie. Together <3c

Tagging @taonpest @smimon @dansdaughter @monochromatictoad @hedjblogr @amazinlei (no pressure guys, ignore it if y'all ain't in the mood, I just wanted to let y'all know ily <3)

[boltlightning]

🌈,🎀, 🎙️? please and thank you!

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

oh man. recency bias at work here, but:

i keep almost everything i write even if i scrap it — and the killed darlings for bare your teeth (a 20k-word epic about jamuel l. norrington surviving his fate) total around 5k words. i wrote and rewrote and rewrote so many scenes. i had a lot of ideas that never got written, each more self-indulgent than the other, and rewatched the end of AWE more times in a month than any human should. "i don't think now is the best time" is a track that microwaves my brain for more than one reason as a result

the title and hound motif did not even come to mind until i was like, 80% of the way through writing it and proofreading to avoid having to write the fight scenes. that's the magic of editing babyyyyyyyy (and probably speaks to how i wrote this thing in a feverish state over the course of a month)

please enjoy a scrapped snippet of dialogue for your troubles:

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

🥲 the hardest question of all!!

i guess i do enjoy my own prose!! half the fun of writing for me is setting up situations in the most luxuriously scenic way possible, and it's been long enough that i think i've a handle on describing a clear picture. i love to read about sunlight and windows and i sure do write about them a lot

🎙️which one of your fics would you like someone to make a pod-fic of?

i had to google what a podfic is but ok ok i see i see i'm on board now

HMMMMMM......i'm not an audiobook person in the least so i feel like i'm not in the best place to pick a piece of my own! i think o sleeper (older sappy final fantasy piece about sharing dreams) might be interesting — half of it is dream sequences, and there's an ephemeral, transient quality that could be interesting to mimic in audio.

recency bias showing here too: monsters of men (potc, character study in media res) is all snark even in the prose, and it'd be fun/scathing/perhaps mortifying to hear that aloud :)

[nohara-rin-dot-mp3]

@ava-likes-fanart some fanfic recs

Araived on ao3 has some rin fics that are pretty darn good imo! i have. no idea what counts as depressing but i'll give it my best shot???

in the end is an amazing character study that has. *squints* a melancholy tone throughout? and it does end with rin dying. but like. idk. she does tend to do that. really really good fic though.

crack me open pour one out is an edo tensei fic where kakashi is trying to save rin and bring her back for real, and rin does not want to be brought back which. might be depressing???? literally i have to clue lmao its some really fun kakarin though. characterization is completely on point.

to the heart (but we beat on) is a rin-gets-reincarnated-into-bnha fic. probably the least depressing out of all of these??? maybe?? by my admittedly skewed standards?? idk it leans towards hurt/comfort mostly i think. so. yeah??

all the things we will become by ringwil is a very nice and sweet infiltrator!rin fic about rin learning to love and be loved. and she does die at the end (it's technically canon compliant as is 90% of rin fic cuz you cant contradict whats not there babyyyyyyyy) but i think its not too sad??? idk i like it.

six degrees of separation by OneshotPrincess is a general team seven roleswap fic that doesnt focus on rin. but i think she just gets some really nice characterization here even without being the central character. im also just a sucker for rin-sensei aus T_T really fun alternate worldbuilding in this one.

she never made it to the ocean by OpensUp4Nobody is depressing even by my standards but my god is it worth it if you can stomach it. it's a really cold depiction of root!rin (awesome take on rin in general) that doesn't pull any punches. quite literally the rin fic of all time WILL rip out your heart and stomp on it in a terrifyingly detached way. iirc the author also posted a companion comic with it that goes hard as hell.

bracelets. by Mothervvoid is some really cute rinko (rin/anko) that mostly focuses around the absence of rin which might be depressing???? i just thought it was kind of cute

reaching for something without knowing it's there by chadsuke takes place entirely after rin's death and is about shizune trying to find closure + understand it. happy ending! also some fun kakashi + shizune interactions.

"is it wrong to want more?" by childsoldier is some short + sweet prose about rin. great rin masks, great morally-dubious minato, just a fun read overall. i mean she dies at the end. but its rinfic i feel like thats a given for most of these lolll

the nohara rin-centric tag in general is a great place to start, cuz there's not a ton of fics in it. so it's pretty easy to scroll through and pick up some favorites. if you scroll through her main character tag make sure you put on filters. because there's a lot of junk where she only has a few lines and exists only as a plot device. T_T man i wish people would tag properlyyyy

and uh ive personally. written. some rinfic

normal amounts.

the most non-depressing ones??? as far as i can tell?? are probably. uh.

we’re gonna be well which i KNOW is just pure untouched fluff because i wrote it specifically to be that. tenzo + rin bond while making banana bread. mostly just an excuse for me to write idle chatter.

fellas, i think this goes beyond simple mis-remembrance is peak comedy. to me. rin also tells obikaka to kill themselves multiple times so millage may vary but i personally find it hillarious??? so.

a handful of teeth is my take on a rin survives au. and possibly the happiest and most well-adjusted rin i've ever written. she's getting better here!!! a little depressing at times but overall hopeful??? i think??

throwing fuel to the fire of that greco-roman dream is pure self indulgence in that i locked rin-sensei kakashi-sensei and obito-sensei from their respective universes in a room and studied them like bugs. they're so funny. i don't think this is depressing?? although the ending is a little downer?? maybe? idk i thought it was funny.

mating dances (and other strange sights at cafe minato) is a modern coffeeshop kagurin (kaguya/rin) au. pure crack. literally just me putting them into situations for fun. they're very silly here. NOT DEPRESSING EVEN A LITTLE BIT!!!! told entirely though obito's pov as he does his best to understand the strange mating rituals of nohara rin in her natural habitat.

[drabbles-mc]

Shut upppppp omg I can't believe that I'm lucky enough to be able to read more of these two. Tati my beloved. 🥰

"She shouldn’t have left without a coat, shouldn’t have abandoned the Jeep three miles down the road. She shouldn’t be doing any of this at all." Oh this is already so fucking delicious. The tenshunnnnn!!! Eating it whole.

"He’s half dressed: jeans, a-tank, handgun." so sexy sksksksk 👀👀👀

he HESITATES????? Angel Ignacio. How dare. Gonna have words with him about it later stg

"He locks the door behind her, leaves the gun on the side table. ‘You couldn’t call or something?’" Okay okay I know that they're exes and all but fuck does this really. I feel a type of way about this. I wanna shake him by his big dumb shoulders.

"Angel walks past as she explains, then bends to hook the throw with his fingers and bring it up from the floor. Not to put it back on the couch, she realises, but to put it over her shoulders instead." hmmmm okay perhaps. perhaps i forgive him 😂

‘So? None of anything we’ve seen this week has been fair.’ Damn. Angel Reyes coming in with the powerful insight. So sexy of him. I like this. Still giving him a tiny bit of side-eye and not getting my hopes up too high but I really. I love this line from him. Good, wholesome, organic food.

"Not exactly true, though, is it? Because EZ started the shit with Yuma, but she can’t say that to him now." SKSKSK say it, Tati. Stir the fuckin' pot 😂

"she doesn’t mind helping. It’s the only thing that brings them together anymore." oh fuck offfff MJ this is so sad I'm gonna fucking cry 😭😭😭😭 I wanna know what happened. I need a whole prequel. I need a russian novel about them.

"If you went back a year, this is how it always was. Angel tired, worn through from the day, and Tati awake, just to be awake with him." I'm peeling the skin off my face. I'm losing my mind. I'm screaming, crying, throwing up

‘But why?’ he asks. ‘None of this is new to you.’ God dammit, Angel. There he is. FUcking hell. Just because it isn't NEW doesn't mean that it's GOOD!!!!!!!

Tati is breaking my whole heart. I can feel her feelings and my heart is so heavy for it.

"‘I can’t stop thinking about wasted time,’ she admits." My babyyyyyyyy 😭😭😭 Tati officially gets a turn on the pobrecito expressway after this fic god

‘We’re good.’ / ‘Are we?’ / ‘Are we not?’ YESSSSS. This is that GOOOD SHIT. THis is that shit i LOOOOOOOVE. I can hear it, taste it, feel it. Shorthand that fucking HITS. Chef's kiss babey

"If the worst happens, she doesn’t want to have forfeited her right to mourn." Why does this feel like a shot to the gut?? This hurts me. I'm weeping.

‘You know, for once, Pidge, I actually think you should keep talking.’ God the way you set up this line and the delivery. It's like I'm there. I'm staring through his living room window watching this all go down sksksk

‘You think I have time to get another girl while you’re still all up in my shit?’ He's an asshole but godddd I love him so much. Just as much a relationship as it was before. Fuck me up. I'm consuming them whole.

‘Gonna make me fucking depressed, watching you cry and shit.’ No literally MJ I'm just gonna quote all fo your fucking dialogue for Angel because I can HEAR that motherfucker like he is IN MY BRAIN!!!! I'm thrashing around. I love them so fucking much it physically pains me

ahem. can you. can you hear me??? form all the way on the other side of the pond??? can you hear the way I'm sobbing and screaming and throwing my self around on the floor like the little creature that you've turned me into????

you've sublet my brain to these two. I'm not upset about it but i WILL be crying about it for the foreseeable future. thank you for your time.

for brothers, pt. 3

angel reyes x oc: tatiana ‘pidge’ clarke, hurt/comfort, 2358 words

for day 10 of whumpril : shivers & ‘i’m scared’

a/n: omg i knOW i know. i know i said the last one was just an extra scene/epilogue but now theres another part and kjSHFgj`hfg its fine. its fine. the fic is sentient. thanku to @cositapreciosa for prompting this

tagging: @drabbles-mc @hausofmamadas @darqchilddaydreamz​

Tati’s shaking when she finally finds the courage to knock, stood on Angel’s doorstep at God know’s what time. Not from fear, but from the cold that’s sunk itself beneath her skin, gripped the bones like a vice. She shouldn’t have left without a coat, shouldn’t have abandoned the Jeep three miles down the road. She shouldn’t be doing any of this at all.

He takes a minute to answer. She stares at the chipped paint in front of her, hearing him shuffle behind, before light finally tips out into the night. He’s got the door open just enough to see who it is, and his arm’s tucked back behind his shoulder, gun in hand. She knows to expect it.

‘Woah. Shit, Tati.’ He swings the door open, stepping in front of it. He’s half dressed: jeans, a-tank, handgun. ‘You okay?’

‘No, not really,’ she answers, not bothering with pretences. He’s knows her well enough to know she’s not from looks alone. Her teeth are chattering between the words. ‘Can I come in?’

Keep reading

[dashboarddiaries]

I posted 187 times in 2022

That's 187 more posts than 2021!

55 posts created (29%)

132 posts reblogged (71%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@chero

@dashboarddiaries

@ladydei

@thelaurenshippen

@entertainment

I tagged 174 of my posts in 2022

Only 7% of my posts had no tags

#dashboard diaries - 31 posts

#dashboard confessionals - 22 posts

#tumblr - 22 posts

#dd 03 - 21 posts

#answered - 18 posts

#cherokee - 15 posts

#dd 04 - 15 posts

#lauren - 13 posts

#dd 06 - 12 posts

#dashcon - 12 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#(all reblogs that lauren mentions will be reblogged from source bc lol i'm (lauren) mostly using my secret blog for dashboard confessionals)

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

DASHBOARD DIARIES, EPISODE 3 - You Wouldn't Eeby Deeby a Blorbo, A Guide to Tumblr Terms

This week, we take a beat to talk through some Tumblr terms and the finer points of navigating the website. Whether you're brand new to the hellsite, diving back in after years away, or just a user who feels as passionately about terms like OTP and Glupp Shitto as we do. It's time to go back to Tumblr University! Drop comments, questions, etc., in our ask box or email us at dashboarddiariespod@gmail.com!

Thank you Pia for sharing your feels with us!

Credits and transcript in our reblog. You can find transcripts for this, and every other episode, here.

Find the posts discussed in this episode in this tag!

1,376 notes - Posted August 12, 2022

#4

You didn't think we were done talking about Dashcon, did you? We've heard what it was like to BE there, but what was it like to RUN Dashcon. In this episode, we talk to Lochlan O'Neil, the Tumblr user who started it all.

Credits and transcript in our reblog. You can find transcripts for this, and every other episode, here.

Find the posts discussed in this episode in this tag!

1,744 notes - Posted October 21, 2022

#3

so...what do you think? which post has Mr. Gaiman NOT reblogged? (yet)

3,576 notes - Posted August 31, 2022

#2

on our most recent episode, we read an incredible email that we got from a listener, Mackenzie, in which Mackenzie gave us this incredible information:

You asked if anyone had read all of Destiel fanfiction, and I am here to tell you that it is physically impossible. After estimating the average length of a Destiel fic and multiplying that by the number of Destiel fics on AO3, it comes to 1,171,662,455 words. This would be like reading LoTR (including the Hobbit) and the Twilight Series 1000 times, which is about 6 years and 10 months worth of reading. This means that if someone read Destiel fic 12 hours a day, every day, since Castiel was introduced as a character less than 14 years ago, they would almost be caught up. Of course, if you include all Supernatural and RPF fic, the total reading time is 18 years, 10 months, which is longer than the show has existed.

3,705 notes - Posted August 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

See the full post

5,583 notes - Posted September 24, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[wooobuddyletsgetnasty]

Girl I'm so fucking hungry for the founders (Naruto) I need some NSFW of their s/o teasing them when they're hard at work

I got u babyyyyyyyy !!

HASHIRAMA:

~My baby is all for the distraction 

~He welcomes it 

~He likes watching you attempt to get his attention 

~Sit yourself right up in his lap

~Run your fingers through his hair

~Press little kisses to his jaw 

~Flounce around his office almost naked

~This man has SELF CONTROL for dayyyys

~You can pout all you want

~He’s busy, and you can wait for a few more minutes (no u can’t)

~Tell him he’s neglecting you onceee

~Watch him go from paying close attention to his paperwork

~To fucking you right on top of it 

~10/10 Hashi is a sweet man, but he is not above crinkling all the papers on his desk for you

TOBIRAMA:

~Listen, he loves you okay? 

~He really does

~But now is not the time for you to be pressing kisses to his throat, and running your hands across his shoulders 

~HE IS BUSY 

~Another man with a will of STEEL

~Honestly, you can give your all

~You can mutter how much you want him to fuck you

~You can settle to grind against his lap 

~He will shove you into the floor

~Not really, but he will grip your hips with one hand to stall your movement

~Then he scowls at you 

~My mans has already popped a boner

~But he gives no SHITS

~Your ass is gonna be patient and wait until you GET HOME

~10/10 Tobirama will ruin your life, don’t play with him

MADARA:

~Don’t 

~Don’t DO IT

~King Daddy does NOT play games with you 

~Don’t even think about doing it 

~You know better 

~But it doesn’t matter 

~Cause you are gonna do it anyways

~You place yourself on the corner of his desk, and spread you legs just enough

~If he even glances over at you to ask what in the fuck you think you are doing 

~He just gets a full undie shot

~Of course you’re wearing his favorite too

~That’s all it takes

~Now those panties are getting shoved in your mouth

~And he’s just gonna DRILL your shit

~10/10 Madara’s paperwork doesn’t get done, but you got what you wanted sooo whatever 

[woolydemon]

TFA Shocks? Or tfa Sari =3

Tfa shockwave thoughts

First impression

Would it be bad to say I was actually kinda fooled by him </3

I knew shockwave existed but somehow managed to not spoil myself abt the longarm part so im watching TFA like "wow longarm is so nice to bumblebee I like him :]]!!!" then the end of the episode i :0,,

So. I may be stupid

Impression now

Hes one of my top 3 favorite characters babyyyyyyyy!!!! I adore his design (i have a huge bias towards any design that had funky obscured/lack of facial features + its rlly cool just how monstrous he is) and i think he's got the potential to be very interesting!!

I just think he's a emo nerd (with severe gifted student problems) and that's pretty neat :]

(except the gifted student problems. thats not so neat)

I also simply don't see any interpretation of him that doesnt fit the way I see him <3

Favorite moment

I think his moments in Autoboot Camp a lot, he's genuinely nice to bee!! That's not a facade he put up (he defends bee when wasp was like "way to go numbnodes", helps him out of the locker, etc)

Idk despite whatever the Allspark Almanac or fandom interprets Shocks, hes not a cold heartless deceiver and the small details from this episode rlly show that

Also think his bumbling attempts to try to preserve his identity are funny, what a dork

Idea for a story

i would love to see a redemption arc for my man!!!! I want him to be able to move past his need for approval (especially from ppl like megatron) and find a sense of self worth for himself!!

I think he were given the chance to leave the decepticons, he would be end up being a neutral since he has personally witnessed the fucked up shit the Autobot government is up to. And then he could maybe like dedicate himself in trying to overthrow this corrupt government, not for the decepticons this time. Or maybe he can just finally do whatever he wants to do and pursue a career in the sciences

(Also it would be cool if he changed his eye color to yellow to indicate his departure from the faction)

Unpopular opinion

I HATE SADISTIC ASSHOLE SHOCKWAVE :[!!! it's just... Not fun?? At all??? Especially when a lot of that sadism is directed towards blurr

And also I think that Shockwave is not an old creepy man, I'm pretty sure there is never any mention of him in of being in the war ever in any media?? So I think he.. was not around during that

Now I'm gonna really rock the boat here and say I hc him as younger than Bumblebee (but not by much!! Hes like the equivalent of a couple months or year younger than bee). I just think it's a little funny ok?? Shockwave's like "ur just simply not mature enough to understand bumblebee" and bee is "IM OLDER THAN U >:["

Favorite relationship

Shockbee.. shockbee good. I think their interactions in Autoboot Camp are rlly sweet and their dynamic is fun!! Emo nerd and lil trouble man holding hands... very cool

Favorite headcanon

I constantly think about how Shockwave's first instinct while panicking is just. Violence

So like... What if he was conditioned as a decepticon to just to resort to violence if things go really South??? I can only imagine that while he was becoming friends with Bee he was thinking in his head "THIS IS NOT OK. THIS IS NOT OK. IM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS WITH HIM. I HAVE TO KILL HIM"

This ... Is not healthy btw. This is a shockwave problem moment. hope he gets well soon,,,,,,,,,

Sari Sumdac thoughts

First impression

I was a little worried she was going to be an annoying human character :[ unrelated to that I recognized tara strong and was like "TWILIGHT SPAR-"

Impression now

She's definitely one of the best human characters I've seen so far in the tf franchise!! I like her and I hope good things happen for her <3

Favorite moment

I think abt how she says "if u wanna mess with my city ur gonna go through ME first" like hell yeah u go girl!!!!!

also love how the autobots take care of her when her dad went missing, like bro... They're family..

The BEST family moment though was when she finally broke down from the stress and grief of losing her dad and not having any record of her identity and then bumblebee picks her up and is like "it's ok!! cry as much as u need to, we'll always be there for you" and GOD THATS SO SWEET IT GENUINELY MAKES ME TEAR UP

Idea for a story

Ok I know I kinda already did this with the seinfeld fic comic but I would love to see a much more genuine look into about how she realizes that she's a lesbian by being around the autobots, since they're from a homonormative society, and then they're like "HELL YEAH!! CONGRATS ON UR LESBIAN"

and maybe they all go together to a pride event or smth

Unpopular opinion

I don't think I have any unpopular opinions?? Wish ppl respected her skin tone more maybe

Favorite relationship

Still haven't finished tfp but I love seeing Sari x Miko... Very cute <3

Favorite headcanon

I once joked with my friends about how she has a inhuman tolerance to spicy foods as a result of being Indian and also part robot.

She carries those mini siracha bottles And also makes lesbian earrings out of those bottles!!

On the completely opposite side of the spectrum, Bee has little to none spice tolerance so he's bawling his eyes out while Sari is pouring more hot sauce on her food

[willfrominternet]

god i love miami 2017 so much. also imagine being so homesick for new york and so fucking over california that you're like "you know what. i am going to move back to my cesspool of a hometown, aka the greater new york city metropolitan area, which is currently on the brink of self-destruction." and it was ultimately the right choice because let's face it: east coast = beast coast baby, new york state of mind baby, i'll meet you any time you want at our italian restaurant babyyyyyyyy

miami 2017 is an undeniable banger but at no point does mr joel explain why they exploded new york. the rest of america is apparently fine but the most fucked up thing billy joel can imagine is a world where new york city no longer exists

[cafedanslanuit]

would it be ok to ask for hcs of the main 6 + vaderwood and how they would react to their normally energetic and funny mc being a little off and making some self-deprecating jokes (like a little too dark to be funny) as a way of coping and hiding their anxiety/depression? if not thats ok im just in a similar mood today.

self-deprecating jokes are my thing too, tbh. hope you’re feeling better! Also, I couldn’t picture Vandy for this particular hc, I’m sorry :c

Yoosung

This boy honestly loves how fun you are. He will always laugh with you and you don’t tease him that much (Saeyoung does that for you)

One day, when he comes home from his job at the vet, he finds you calling for pizza. He lets you finish the call and then you look up.

“Hey, welcome back! I accidentally left the stove on for too long and messed up dinner” you casually said, with a small giggle. “So I called Pizza Hut, hope it’s okay”.

“It’s okay!” he says. “I love pizza”

“I know, me too” you smile. You stand up and stretch your arms. “Okay, so I’ll take a shower before it gets here. How the fuck did I forget the stove on, I don’t know” you laugh. “I swear to God I would totally leave me at this point”.

Yoosung says nothing, shocked. He watches you walk to the bathroom and turn on the shower. He knows you like to joke around, but that joke had been pretty specific. Leave you? Why would he leave you? Over some burnt food?!

He waits until you come out, wrapped in a towel and hands you a cup of your favourite tea. You smile weakly.

“An award for my awful cooking?” you tease him.

“Hey! It’s just food! And you solved it. I don’t really care, MC, please let it go”. He sees your lips tremble a little bit. “Are you okay?”

You had a really rough day at work. You tell him all about it while sipping on the tea and he silently listens to you, nodding at the right times. The pizza finally arrives and he puts on your favourite show so you both can watch it. When you go to bed, he makes sure to give you extra cuddles, so you never have to feel any more pressure on yourself.

Zen

Honestly, he’s not the best at comedy. But he really likes how much you can make yourself laugh with your own jokes.

He comes home and hands you his tablet. You arch an eyebrow and look at him from the couch. He sits beside you and asks you to press play. You nod and comply his request.

It’s a video from rehearsal. He’s singing at he’s actually hitting all the notes just right. You smile softly, watching the video in silence. When it’s over, you turn and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

“You’re amazing, babe. You did the song soooo good! How can you be so talented?”

“Thank you, babe. And I don’t know, can’t help it. I’m just talented.” he shrugs, with a confident smile.

“Well, someone has to be” you responded quickly. His smiled faltered and he looked at you, confused.

“What are you talking about? You are talented too. I’ve seen your drawings, those building projects you have been working on. They’re masterpieces, MC, I love them and–”

“I didn’t get the job, Zen” you quickly answer, not looking at him. “They didn’t like those ‘masterpieces’” you added, making the colons signs with his fingers.

Oh. So they had already sent you the email.

Zen would put the tablet aside and hold you on the couch. Whisper over and over again how talented you truly are and how they were in the wrong for not noticing it.

“If they can’t see how brilliant you are, why would you want to work for them?” he asked. “I’ve been rejected more times that I can count. I know how you feel. And you know what makes me feel better?”

You look at him and shake your head.

Ten minutes later, you’re both riding on his motorcycle, feeling the air against your face. you hug him tighter and smile.

Jaehee

Jaehee’s not one for jokes. But she does enjoy the occasional laugh she has with you. You make tons of jokes, but, unlike Saeyoung, you know when to stop

“Babyyyyyyyy, I’m a mess!” you complained, stretching on your bed. Both of you were working on your laptops, when suddenly you put yours aside.

“C’mon. Help me, Excel Goddess! Can’t seem to make this thing to work and I need to show it to my boss tomorrow” you asked. Jaehee smiled softly, put her laptop aside and grabbed yours. She started typing formulas, fixing your work.

“You’re so good to me, baby. Thank youuuu. That’s why you’re the smart one here”. Jaehee just smiled, continuing her work.

“They should have taught me Excel in school instead of sports. Did anyone of my class turn out to be an athlete? No one. Are we struggling to get a job because we don’t know shit about Excel? We are”.

“Maybe that’s why I’m failing. Maybe that’s why I had to settle with this shitty job, because I can’t comprehend the monster that in Microsoft Excel. Maybe that’s also why my Computer Science teacher hated me at school” you said dramatically. Jaehee chuckled softly.

“Maybe that’s why my whole life is a mess right now. Maybe that’s why I can’t find joy in the things I do anymore, maybe that’s why my father left us. Because I’m a shitty person who can’t do Excel and can’t get a decent job”.

She stopped typing and looked over at you.

“MC. What are you saying?”

“I’m sorry. I’m just… I’m tired. Don’t think about it too much”

“I-… Do you want me to talk to Mr. Han? Maybe there’s a position and… I know C&R takes most of my time but an entry level job may be good– at least for your resumé and–”

“I’m fine. Don’t think about it, baby” you dismissed, but Jaehee grabbed your hand.

“Can’t you really find joy anymore?” she asked. You sighed.

“Happens to me when the cold weather beggins. Will go away in a couple of weeks” you shrugged. Jaehee squeezed your hand.

“Let me know if I can do anything to help you… well, find joy again”.

“You do help!” you assured her. “I can find bits of joy here” you smiled and gave her a small kiss. She smiled and kissed you back.

Jumin

Jumin doesn’t understand most of your jokes. Most of the times, you have to explain them to him. He doesn’t mind, but it’s only because he really enjoys watching you laugh at your own jokes. The sight of you giggling it’s enough to light up any day.

That day, you decided to visit him during lunch. Which wasn’t a rare occurrence, you tried to visit him at least once a week, making sure with Jaehee you wouldn’t be interrupting.

“Good afternoon, my love. Didn’t expect you here” he greeted you, giving your cheek a tender kiss when you approached him. You gave him the bento you had prepared and sat in front of him, on the other side of his desk.

“I know. I just thought your darling, loving wife might make an appearence. I do have to keep those heiresses away from you” you laughed. He smiled softly and opened his bento. “Don’t want them making you change your mind about marrying some poor girl who couldn’t even afford university by herself”.

Jumin arched his eyebrow while eating his lunch. “Is there a problem with your classes? I thought you were excited about finally attending university, even if most of the classes are online for security reasons. Are the professors not competent enough? Are they not grading you fairly?”

You laughed. “No, Jumin, classes are fine. I just… Don’t really fit with your social class, you know. I mean, I knew I wouldn’t fit, but someday’s it really… just… I don’t know. You can put a working class girl in a Channel, but you can’t really change who she really is inside, right?” you smiled weakly.

Jumin furrowed his eyebrows, visibly upset. “What are you talking about?”

Your facade disappear and you sighed. You reached out for his hand and held it tighly.

“Please, don’t misunderstand me. I love you, I really do. Nothing can change that. But I can’t– I can’t pretend I don’t hear the whispers when I come here to have lunch with you. How I listen to them mocking these nice clothes you bought for me” you said, pointing at your light blue dress he had given you. “I don’t… I didn’t grow up with these things. I must look really dumb pretending to be part of a class I’m not”.

“Who made that comment?” he asks, angrily.

You try to cover it up, but after some pushing, you tell him it’s the secretary that works two offices away. She has a desk beside Jaehee’s. Jumin stands up, not stopping when you ask him to. He takes one step outside his office and spots the secretary you must be talking about.

“You’re fired. Assistant Kang, take care of that paperwork”.

Jumin returned to his office and locked the door. You can’t believe what just happened. He walks over to you and lifts up your chin with his hand, gently.

“Don’t ever let anyone tell you you don’t belong here. Or that you don’t deserve elegant clothes or anything I want to give to you. I know you didn’t grow up the same as me, but that’s why I love you. Because you didn’t look at me and saw my money or C&R, you looked at me. At who I was. Who I could be. I want to be the best man I can be, just for you. And I want to please you, giving you anything I can so you can enjoy life at its fullest. Also, look at you” he said, taking a look at your whole outfit. “You look breathtaking. You look classy, and it’s not just the dress” he smirked, kissing your cheek and making his way to your neck, leaving you a mess of giggles.

Saeyoung

Ok, so we all agree he’s the king of dark humour and self-deprecating jokes.

And he’s used to be like that around you and sometimes you make the same jokes and you both just laugh it out.

So that day, he doesn’t notice something’s off from the start.

He’s fixing the robot cat, since it had been malfunctioning. You’re reading a magazine  on the couch while he’s sitting on the floor, both of you talking on and off.

“One day you should teach me who to do that. You know, fixing stuff and such”

“I wil! But you’ll need to call me sensei during our lessons.”

“Sensei? Isn’t that japanese?”

“It is! I’ll be your sensei if you wish. But what do you want to learn to fix?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t want to be the dumb one of the relationship”

“Awww. But we make such a good pair~”

“Just because you haven’t got tired of me yet” you chuckle.

“How could I get tired of your cooking? Never!~ I swear my mouth waters just thinking about your waffles.”

You laugh. “That’s all I am? My cooking?”

“Well, also how clean you keep this, Ms. Vanderwood hasn’t been complaining as much as before” he teases you.

“Well, you know I have to keep this apartment clean and your stomach full. That’s why I’m here, right? Until you get tired of my stupidness” you chuckle.

Saeyoung looks back at you, stopping on his fixing of robo-cat. He’s not longer smiling.

“… You really think that? That I think you’re stupid?”

“Well… I’m no genius. I’m just one more secretary, I’m… c’mon. You’d have more fun with someone who’s just as smart as you. I’m just here… until my time’s done. I’ve accepted it long ago.”

Suddenly he’s over you, making you lay on the couch, pinning both your arms over your head.

“Stop! What? Stop, just stop, what are you even saying?! You are kind, compassionate, generous and the most beautiful soul I’ve ever seen. You stayed by my side when I was at my worst. You saw all parts of me and still loved me. I’m the one who isn’t worthy of someone as loving and forgiving as you. I– I could never. I could have never rescued Saeran without you. I could have never been happy or even think about real happiness if it weren’t for you. So honestly, what if you don’t know anything about computers or hacking? That doesn’t matter to me. It’s you and your heart. It’s always been about your loving heart, MC. Please, please don’t be so hard on yourself. I’ve loved you my whole life. Even before I met you. I just didn’t realize it.”

Your eyes water

damn, saeyoung i almost cried as well, you fucker

You both stay on the couch, holding each other until you fall asleep. He keeps whispering soft and warm words to your ear every now and then, making sure you never doubt yourself again.

Saeran

“i want to die” “same”

It’s so usual for you both to make dark jokes, he doesn’t really notice when it stops being a joke to you.

You’re both laying on the couch. You’re on top of him, resting your head on his chest. You can’t remember how it started, but you start joking around.

“Your girlfriend’s a mess, you know”

“She is. Have you seen her hair?” he teased.

“What the hell does she think she’s doing? Have you seen the way she dresses?”

“Total mishap. It’s like a match made in hell”

“And her voice? More like a screech” you laugh, making fun of your own voice.

“Will she ever shut up?” he sighed dramatically, smirking softly.

“Why does she think she actually make someone happy?” you chuckle. His smile disappears.

Saeran stays silent for a minute. “You’re not happy?”

are you not happy with him? has he already bored you out of your mind? are you having second thoughts about your relationship? because he’s been trying, he’s been seeing a psychologist and even though there still isn’t a big change, he— is it because there hasn’t been a big change?

“Well, you’re not” you replied in a small voice. “And I can’t– And I don’t how– Maybe it’s me?”

So, Saeran decides to try something he’s been talking about with his psychologist. Better now than ever, he thought.

“I love you”

You raise your head, looking at him in disbelief. He’s never said that before. When you started dating, he had kissed you and you had understood how it was hard for him to express feelings due to the severe trauma he had gone through, so you hadn’t pushed him but… Saeran was still looking at you, a tense expression on his face. You suddenly realized you hadn’t said anything back.

“I love you too”. You had said it before. You had told him that a million times, but it was the first time you said it back.

“I know it seems I’m not making progress– But I think I am? I mean, I just told you that, right?” he said, scratching his head, a little nervous. “He said we were going to work on expressing feelings, and it was easier to express the most intense ones.”

“Your most intense feeling– one of your most intense feelings is loving me?” you asked, still surprised.

“Shut up” he said, making you laugh for real this time.

[adventures-in-poly]

0 Posts in 2020

You’d think that I’d have something Very Profound to say about the interactions between the pandemic and poly, but it turns out I haven’t wanted to write about that subject very much at all. I won’t say that the pandemic has sucked all the inspiration from my brain, just that it has shuffled inspiration around in unexpected ways and away from writing.

The pandemic has felt like it’s pressed the pause button on my poly life. My husband (M) can’t go out on dates because OTHER PEOPLE ARE DANGEROUS. I also can’t go out on dates for the same reason, but moreover, I choose not to go on dates because I’m just So Damn Exhausted. I’ve seen my boyfriend (Crow) only three times this year: once before the pandemic and twice since, and that’s only possible because his house has this large porch where we can do social distancing outside. I haven’t kissed him since January and I’ve only hugged him once, masks on and faces turned away, and I held my breath the whole time. I haven’t had sex with anyone in over a year, and I can’t even “blame” that on the pandemic. It’s a choice. Guess I’ve gone full asexual, and I say “guess” because, while asexual is an accurate descriptor, I still don’t feel really great about adopting that as a personal identity. I’m not even upset about the no sex part though. I’m happy about it. My Magic Wand knows exactly what I want and all the nuances of my body and it’s much less painful than skin on skin.

The pandemic is NOT a good thing. It is NOT a good thing that millions of people have died, and it is NOT a good thing that we as a community are touch-starved and relationship-starved and can’t seem to figure our shit out.

That said.

I’m going to be honest. It has felt nice not having to worry, poly-wise. I hate that that’s a thing that I feel, but this blog is and has always meant to be about honesty. It feels like a relief knowing that I am not going to be in a situation where I have to watch my husband drunkenly and sloppily hit on other women at parties that we are meant to both enjoy. It feels like a relief knowing that he isn’t going to tell me, “I’m going to meet someone that I’ve been talking to on Tinder”, that the bomb isn’t going to fall on me. Because that’s what it is. “I came in like a wrecking ball.” The fear that someone else will enter our lives - my life - and I’ll have no control over it, and I’ll hate it, and I’ll lose myself.

I have a lifelong fear of being replaced. Of being “not good enough”. I hesitate to call it a fear of being unlovable, because I’ve never doubted that people love me and like me. I think they do. But the fear is that, when my needs butt up against someone else’s, theirs will always win. As a child, my parents taught me all about caring for other people, being generous, being self sacrificing, being kind. They immigrated to the US from England a few years before I was born, and as a result, I was brought up with a European mindset (others before yourself) in an American environment (look out for number one). And, as a result -- even though my parents were extraordinarily caring, even though I was an only child, even though they were generous with their time and attention, even though I had a very happy childhood -- I somehow learned that I would always be second place. Always the one to sleep on the floor at sleepovers so the guest or the host could get the bed. Always the one to get a boring piece of cake so a louder and therefore more deserving child could get the piece with the flower. Petty shit like that that translated into real adult problems. Just two nights ago, on New Year’s Eve, I had told my husband I’d wanted us to change the sheets, and as I ascended the stairs to bed I forlornly reminded him that we hadn’t changed the sheets - terrified and fully preparing myself to be let down because he was having a good time at an online New Year’s Eve party and of course that meant that my needs would subside. (They didn’t. The world doesn’t work like that. My husband shows me over and over again that my needs are important to him, and yet I Still Never Learn.)

I can say with full honestly that I am no longer really jealous of my boyfriend and his wife anymore. I used to be, a little. I used to be jealous that he would want to visit her at her shift before he came over for dates, or that he’d want to bring her to casual outings with me, or that at any point the two of them could decide they’d want to move back to San Diego and that would be that. I don’t feel those things anymore. I haven’t for a long time. It’s some sort of consequence of she and I becoming legitimate good friends, plus me and my husband moving an hour away, plus just being too damn old and too damn tired to give shits anymore.

Then again, their relationship was never the kind that was going to prick my skin up and put me on guard. I was the new person, not her. I don’t have a complex about older, more established relationships.

But the idea of my husband finding somebody new, even though our relationship is solid? Sends me into chaos. Even now. I wish I could say that it’s changed in the 5 years since we opened things up, but it hasn’t. It hasn’t really at all.

I’d wanted this blog to document my journey from new to seasoned poly, from a jealous wreck to someone who had learned to love herself and meditate through the pain. That’s not what happened. I’m not sure if it’s ever going to happen. My husband hasn’t had enough actual relationships to give me practice experiencing the very discomfort that makes me want to scream until my insides explode out, and the few times it has happened, I felt like I was living in a shock chamber and turning into the kind of person I don’t want to be.

I wanted to evolve, for the sake of my readers, into someone who fully accepts a poly lifestyle. To show that it can be done. No -- to show, specifically, that I could do it, that I could logic and reason my way through all the shit and prove myself to be better than my jealousy. I don’t think that’s what’s going to end up happening. I think it’s no secret at this point that I don’t really love this whole poly thing. I am still actively choosing it, but not always for reasons that I endorse. What if I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore? Would I lose my husband? Would I lose my boyfriend? Could I ethically give up my relationship with my boyfriend to create monogamy with my husband? Could I ethically ask my husband not to go on dates while I still retain my relationship with my boyfriend? It’s all shit, really. None of it is a good outcome. And the pandemic has allowed me to stall my non-decisions for a year because it’s not like we can see other people anyway. And isn’t it great when some external force gives you a reprieve from the things you’re afraid of.

But while the pandemic has put my poly life on pause, it’s put my healing and growth around poly stuff on pause as well. Sure, it feels fucking great on the surface, but it’s not actual growth. I’m not forever in a place where I will feel secure. It’s going to end eventually (vaccinate me, babyyyyyyyy!!!), and the parties will start again, and the dates will start again, and my terrified introvert ass is afraid that everything collectively will swing in the opposite direction super hard. Free love! Casual sex everywhere! Everyone wants to hang out all the time! How could you possibly want to be alone at a time like this! And that fear extends beyond poly stuff and beyond just me and my husband - I’m not ready for the world to become a giant party. I don’t want that world. I don’t want to live in that world but I also don’t want to miss out on the collective bonding experience that is almost sure to come from the end of Covid. So the reprieve I’m feeling now is only surface level great because it’s a pause, not an end, and I don’t feel any more equipped to deal with my jealousy and my social anxiety and my feelings of not being good enough than I did at the beginning of this damn pandemic.

Part of me wishes I could “get over my shit”, and part of me wants to cling onto my shit and defend it. Like why am I the one who has to change, why am I the one who has to evolve, what’s wrong with feeling the way I feel? Why is this a “my shit” thing, like I’m alone and all my problems are caused by my own feelings? Why do other people NeEeEeEeEd to go on dates and have sex. Why does my husband need that. Why am I not good enough. Why is the problem that I feel jealousy and insecurity; why is the problem not that he feels [insert whatever he feels here. unsatisfied? no, that’s not it. incapable of being fully satisfied by a single person? that seems extreme. incapable of surrounding himself with platonic friendships in the way that comes so naturally to me and many of my women friends, and much more able to connect with people he is in a romantic/sexual relationship with, and so needs to create many romantic/sexual relationships to fill that void that otherwise would be filled with friendships - which is not actually something I believe about him, I think he could make really great friendships with the right tools, but is something he’s expressed to me and is also something that’s pretty common around people raised as men? is that too harsh?]

I’m trying to look for a good ending for this post, but, like an explanation for my feelings, I don’t think I’m going to find satisfaction here.

[margoshansons]

For the Writer Ask game!! ^_^ #5, 19, 27, 37, 43 and 48

5.     How much writing do you get done on an average day?

Omg, it depends on how good the day is or not. On a very very good day I can pump out 1k-2k words, while on a very bad day I write like a sentence. I would say 500-1,2k words on average.

19.  How do you keep yourself motivated?

I don’t?? Jk, jk, I usually just force myself to sit down and write. Other times I listen to music and/or rewatch episodes or scenes to get into the mood. 

A lot of the time I just daydream and stuff comes to me. Although I will say that for a while @john-silver kept me accountable for uploading my Cress fic because we would be update buddies! Seriously, just talk to me about my fic and I’ll get excited about it.

27.  Favourite line/scene

Oooh okay, so I recently started going back to Alex’s fic and rewrote a bit, and this was definitely a fav from the moment I wrote it. I have more, but this is the first one I thought of.

Alex’s chest tugged as she caught the fraught expression on her friend’s face. She knew that look. She’d worn it many times when she’d lost Wes. When all she could think about was revenge. Killing.

Sara had almost lost a sister. She’d almost lost a father. And if it hadn’t been for the help of Oliver’s girlfriend, Laurel might not even be around at all. But more than that, Rip had lied to Sara. He’d made everyone in her life lie to her. And with Damien Darhk out of the picture, Quentin was safe, Laurel was safe. Sara may have thought the blood lust from Lazarus was gone but Alex knew better. She was chasing a high she’d never find until Damien Darhk’s head was on a pike.

37.  First sentence or your current WIP

I’m gonna choose Melissa’s fic because I wrote a bit of the prologue and I love it so far. (Although I have way too many WIPs)

Melissa stared at the ebony casket she and her mother had spent mere minutes picking out.

43.  What do you do if/when characters don’t follow the outline?

Go with the flow BABYYYYYYYY. A lot of times my characters don’t follow the outline and do their own thing so I just sigh and let them take over.

48.  What’s the most self-insert character/scene you’ve ever written?

*cough* Quintessa Beck *cough* Her name is literally Tessa, like....come on.

Second is maybe Cress cause I put a lot of my personality into her. 

Writer Asks!

[ajokeformur-ray]

✨ Unfiltered Joker thoughts ✨

I watched Joker with a bunch of lovely clowns on my Discord and while they werewolf’d in the chat, I typed out my thoughts here as they came to me. These are unedited, unfiltered, and exactly as they were in my head. I don’t know who’d be interested in this but 🤷‍♀️ who doesn’t love unfiltered thoughts about our man? NSFW ahead in places, lmao and some self-ship elements because it’s always on my mind.

There are Controversial Things within, I’m sure - be nice about it if you wanna comment, or unfollow/block etc. if it bothers you I won’t take it personally. I will take it personally if I’m sent a rude message, though. Fair warning. You curate your own online experience so scroll past silently if you gotta!🥰🥰🥰🥰

Tagging @arthurflecc @jokerownsmysoul @daincrediblegg @sweet-nothings04 bc they were in the chat and missed me there!! 

 Word count: 4, 597.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJO -

*Presses play*

OMG THERE HE IS BABYYYYYYYY ~ 

Ugh that white shirt... 🥵

“paint me like one of your french girls” 👀

oh, honey, no. 

Don’t force yourself to smile, my love, it’s okay. you can be hurting.

sweet angel who can do no wrong asdfghjkl

wanna kiss that tear away...

CARNIVALCARNIVAL CARNIVAL *STARTS SWAYING IN MY SEAT*

jaunty piano to juxtapose his shitty mood

you spin me right round, baby, right round...

ohhh, baby 🥺🥺🥺

someone’s honky lmaoooooo ~ 

that cello

Ohhhh, darling man.... i’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry

WOOPS CRYINGGGG ~

sweet angel love still tryna be funy with the flower squirting...

what else will squirt tonight???👀

ohhh, darling. deep breaths baby. it’s okay. you’re okay.

CRYINGGGGG

ohhhh baby boyyyy....

legit just cooed aloud

oh angel <3 

“is it just me or is it getting crazier out there?”

it is my love... it is. 

let me sit on your lap and still the shaking of your legs

ohhhh my love. you’re okay. just breathe.

Dr. Kane was doing her best but you’re beyond what she can handle

you deserve better, sweetheart.

my love, my life.

I JUMPED WHEN HE HIT HIS HEAD IN ARKHAM

“who knows?”

yeah me too, my love. me too. 

“i just dont wanna feel so bad anymore”

oh baby.

i know, my love. i wish i could hold your hand and stroke your hair and kiss your cheeks 🥺🥺🥺

had a shitty day but wants to comfort a child on the bus. thats my manssss ~ <3 <3 <3 

okay but his peekaboo makes me giggle please do that to me when im sad

“‘cuse you bitch?”

the greasepaint still on his face is endearing omg 

GIVE HIM BACK HIS CARD OR IMMA RIOTTTT

CRYINGGGGG 

ohhhh baby. no. deep breaths. i’m here, my love. not going anywhere

those fucking steps

me too, darling. i feel your exhaustion like it’s my own and i long to take it from you without changing a single thing about you.

my love, my life

the weariness of an unchanged routine is a paralysing one

wanna rub cream on your bruises

“yeah, mum” so soft im cry

“eat. you need to eat” i hear you in my head when i wanna skip meals and it helps me.

“oh yeah? who do you talk to?” YES SASS HER

“yay murray” ohhhhh angel you’re so cute I’m cry 🥺

murray you wankstain - old and crusty 🤮🤢🤮🤢

arthur’s laugh in his daydream 🥺🥺

“i love you murray” // “you’re awful murray” baby noooooo

“theres something special about you arthur” the only real thing murrat ever fuckin said AND IT WASNT EVEN A REAL THING IT WAS IN HIS HEAD

“I TAKE GOOD CARE OF MY MOTHER” YEEEES BABY YOU DO! SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

just wantin recognition in your daydreams bc you dont get it in your real life

YOU SWEET THING

HIS SWEET SMILE AND THE CELLO OH BABY 🥺😭

YOUR BACK 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

shoes are too tight so you gotta stretch em 

can you stretch me too???👀🥵💦🔥

“chuckletown” RANDALLS LEGACY AND WE TURNED IT INTO SMTHN LOVING AND NOT SARKY LIKE HE INTENDED LMAO FUCK YOU RANDALL YOU PIECE OF SHIIIIIIIIT

arthur’s hair in the sun omg like a halo

randall fuck off fucking fuck off go aWAY LEAVE MY ARTHUR ALONE

you asswipe

arthurs shy and nervous lil giggle omg baby say no give the gun back its not well intended 

“my boy”  AHA LMAO HE DOES PAY YOU BACK BUT NOT HOW YOU EXPECT LMAOOOO YOU GET WHAT YOU DESERVE

THOSE CURLS

arthur’s sweet little lilting voice in front of his boss omggggg ~ 

HOYYYYYYT 

his logic makes no sense wtffffff ~ 

RETAIL SMILE LMAO THATS A MOOD 

brewing insanity..... 

POUND ME LIKE THOSE TRASH BAGS

RUIN ME AND THEN REBUILD ME IN YOUR IMAGE 

those mf stairs again

it’s the same old team since 1916... in your head, in your head...

never in my LIFE have i been aroused by a FOOT

lmao only Arthur istg that man is the exception to my every rule

Gigi is so CUTE 🥺

THAT SMIRK SIR CAN YOU NOT

“hey” omggg look at you tryna connect ugh so proud of youuu ~ 

the moon is a silver dollar... 

THOSE CURLS

THOSE BARE FEET

THAT SOFT VOICE

ARTHURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR 

frances conroy is a goddess omg i love herrrr ~ 

espesh on ahs she’s a queen

but i digress lmao wrong fandom

“dont you have to be funny to be a comedian”

FUCK OFF PENNY 

FUCK RIGHT OFF THEN FUCK OFF SOME MORE PLEASE

slap that bass.... 

FINGERSSS ON THE GUN ASDFGHJ PUT THEM ON ME INSTEADDDD

zoom zoom the world is in a mess

LMAO YEP

“psh” omg you sweet angel asdfghjk

THAT EYEBROW RAISE ASDFGHJK SASSY KINGGGGG

GET ITTTTTT

UGH THAT BODY WANNA COVER IT IN MARKS OF LOVE TO REPLACE THE VIOLENT MARKS

ARTHUR @ HIMSELF “YOURE A GOOD DANCER // I KNOW”

omggggg sweet clumsy babyyyy

lmaooo “old war movie” do you tell penny that when we get caught having sex on the sofa????

arthur honey following sophie isn’t.... the best way to get her attention asdfghjk 

someone needs to teach you social interactions... 

I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTTTTTE

that student/teacher roleplay comedian at pogos makes no sense to me???? i dont get his jokes at all

lmao bad comediannnnnn

arthur’s cute lil mistimed giggles ksksksksk 

wanna kiss your cheeks every timmmme 

you’re working so hard to achieve your goals im so so proud of you

ambidextroussss ~ (just like me omg we’re perfect for each otherrrrr)

“people expect you to behave as if you dont” YOU INTELLIGENT LIL SHIT OMG I LOVE YOU AND YOUR MIND

you know its a daydream if arthurs wearing a shirt at home 

his shy “yeah” omggggg ~ angelllll 

“i have a gun i can come by tomorrow” LMAOOOOOOOO 

“youre so funny arthur” YES HE IS DREAM!SOPHIE

CARNIVAL CARNIVAL CARNIVAL

I ACTUALLY STOMP MY FEET HERE BC IM HAPPY FOR THE TIME HES ON SCREEN SWEET CLOWN 

THE ONLY ONE IM NOT AFRAID OF

HES SO SO HAPPY OMGGG

BABY BOYYYY IN HIS ELEMENT

SAD THO BC KIDS ARE TERMINALLY ILL 

bestest party clownnnn 

“I love this job” oh baby 🥺🥺

aaaaaaaaand now the betrayal from randall lmao fuck that dude

NO BB YOUR FOREHEAD NO SMASHY GLASSY

LMAO THE FUCK ERIKA???

dudes 35 not a kid 

throwing greasy chips into a girl’s hair isn’t how to flirt my dude lmao you’re gross??? 

ew

EW EW EW WIGGLE YOUR CHIPS ELSEWHERE

ohhhh arthur, honey no omg breathe it’s okay

you wanna help but you dont know how

you sweet thing 

send in the clowwwwwwwwwwwwwwns ~ 

IM CRYINGGGGG

“they couldnt carry a tune to save their lives”

JOEKR ITS NOT YOUR TIME YET GO AWAYYYY

lmao jokes stay you know im lost without you 

HOW CAN YOUR HAIR LOOK SO GOOD AFTER BEING UNDER A WIG ALL DAY ?????

carnival with arthur’s hair is just 👌👌👌👌

WHERES HIS CARDDDDD 

nooooooo omg baby no omg i wish i could take all those punches for you

i’d take it all in a heartbeat to save you

gritting his teeth not taking in anymore

YES BABY GET EEEEEEM

YES YES YES YES STAND UP FOR YOURSELF SO PROUD OF YOU

first 2 self defence, 3rd one unsure lmao but fuck it 

no PUT THE GUN AWAY FROM YOUR FACE BABY ITS OKAY DONT FORGET YOUR BAG OR YOUR WIG ITS EVIDENCE

KILL THE 3RD COVER YOUR TRACKS

GOOD BOYYYYYY

carnival with blood on face = killing your insecurities

8 bullets from a 6 chamber????? mm-hm lmao i know @daincrediblegg wrote a thing on this once lmao bestest Egg is smart and i love her muchly 🥰🥰🥰🥰

run baby run, dont ever look backkk... (check yes juliet)

BATHROOM SCENE BATHROOM SCENE BATHROOM SCENE

fuck me against that dirty counter

joker’s waking uuuuuuuup....

that cello though unffff 👌

got me clenchinnnnn you fluidddd ~ 

and in his eyes, all the sadness of the world. those pleading eyes that both threaten and adore (phantom of the opera)

my brain is 90% song lyrics 

hes so graceful and ethereal so full of pain and of love and of adventure and worth and need and yearning

my sweet boy

my wonderful angel

my fallen angel

T POSEEEEE

DAYDREAM KISSSSS

ugh push me against the wall and shove your hand down my panties and take whats yours 

please and thanks

so confident

so smooth

so sure

unf

take me angel im all yours 

and my name is carnival

SASSY BOYYYYY

I SAY BOY BUT YOURE A MAN LMAO 

YESSSSSS TELL THEMMMMMMMM 

LMAOOOOOO RANDALL SEEMS LEGIT CONFUSED PFFFT

TOUGH SHIIIIIIIT

LMAOOO PUNCH OUT

BUSTING A LUNNGGGGG

HE DOESNT KNOW HIS OWN STRENGTH

OR HIS OWN LIMITS

“DONT SMILE”

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

nothin worse than being told to smile when you really wanna bare your teeth and let rip

aka me every fuckin minute of my life 

SHUSH ME SHUSH ME SHUSH ME

ILL CRY BUT DO IT

LMAOOOOO CHOKE ME WITH THOSE BICEPS 

ILL GO OUT DOIN WHAT I LOVE

YOUUUUUUU 

“gotham’s lost its way” ok trump

“thats not funny” SHUT UP PENNY YES IT IS

STOP SMOTHERING ARTHUR LET HIM BE FREE

“nobody ever saw me. even i didnt know if i really existed”

and

“you dont listen do you”

BOTH ARE MOODS

i feel them so hard

hes so sure of himself in this session

so angry and done and weary

“people are starting to notice” ALMOST A YEAR OF YOU BEING NOTICED

that green jumper omggg 

good luck getting me out of it pfffft 

“erika have you seen my - oh, there it is. never mind.”

want it back???? payment is kissessss

EW SEXIST COMEDIAN

arthur honey stop primping youre perfect <3 <3 <3 

im so so proud of youuuuu

COLLARBONEEEEEES

OMG HE STUMBLES UP THE STEPS DARLINGGG

I wish i could hold your hand while youre on stage and comfort you while you deliver your jokes

just breathe, darling. it’s okay. i’m here, i promise. <3 

every time you gag on your laughter my heart clenches

CRYINGGGGG

oh, my love, it’s okay. just breathe. dont fight it. dont fight yourself 

you’re so good at imitating your ma pfffft 

lmaoooo you’re so funny arthur 

WOO BOI DONT FLASH YOUR PORN PAGES AT THE AUDIENCE 

givin me ideas.... 

SMILE THOUGH YOUR HEART IS ACHING

SMILE EVEN THOUGH IT’S BREAKING 

WHEN THERE ARE CLOUDS IN THE SKY

YOU’LL GET BY

SMILE THROUGH YOUR FEAR AND SORROW

SMILE

AND MAYBE TOMORROW

YOULL SEE THE SUN COME SHINING THROUGH

arthur is my sunshine

EXCUSE ME HEART EYES OMGGGG

ME AND ARTHUR HEART EYESING AT EACH OTHER PFFFFFT 

gonna put people off their food doin that 

thats life

arthur’s imitations and those soft curls and the dancing and the - 

erika.exe has stopped working 

“come on dance with me”

👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

i prefer the horizontal dance myself...

“big date”

“deliver the letter”

NARCISSISM 

ARTHUR YOU DESERVE BETTERRRRRRRRRR

IS IT BAD HIS EYEBROWS TURN ME ON?? SO THICK AND DARK AND STRONG I - 

and those eyes

ugh fuck meeee ~ 

yes thats an invitation

penny “needs care” but her handwriting is that neat???? yeah fuck off 

sorry i dont buy it

she was grooming him i think into some kinda husband role and its fucking gross as fuck she was abusing him and he just wanted her gone 

CUTE LIL NOSTRIL FLARES BC SAD AND ANGRY

OMG

his quiet anger scares me but i admire how he calmed down so fast

angry penguinnnnn

HE CARRIES HIS CLOWN NOSE AROUND IN HIS POCKET

CUUUUUUUTE

the similar clothing colours of arthur and bruce is v def intentional 

in another life, arthur....

i’m so sorry darling you deserved and deserve so much better

legit one small change in anything coulda prevented 80% of this film

your magic tricks are gorgeous ~ 

you’re so funny and soothing and comforting and so good with kids

you are the best party clown

I GASPED AT THE FLOWERS

like my server nameee ~ 

“hi” that soft noise 🥺

arthur’s hands on those bars omg 🥵🥵🥵

okay i’ll admit i still dont get the whole arthur/thomas thing lmao is he his dad???? ive seen this film 10000000 x and i still can’t decide.

i wanna say he is but like ??? idk ??

it’s tragic either way omg arthur’s wasted in gotham

ruuuun arthur run run runnnnnnnn 

the bg music isss 👌👌👌👌

arthur accidentally caused penny’s stroke bc med w/drawal but all that abuse, like ????? i get why he kept her sedated lmao i’d want her knocked out or smthn too

7 meds between the two of them, probably.... that might be why he wanted an increase???

you gotta lie, angel.

you’re in way over your head but lie

yeeees good boy!!

“a clown thing?“ lmaoooo tell them!!!

NO ITS EXIT ONLY

KINDA LIKE MY ASS LMAO NO ANAL FOR YOU 

he just wants love and comfort and for someone to stay omg you sweet thing 

you deserve the world and all the forehead kisses 

TURN THE TV OFF

TURN IT OFF

TURN IT - 

OH TOO LATE

arthurrrrr ~ 

its like a car crash lmao you know its coming but you cant stop looking

fuck off murrat

FUCK OFF SOME MORE

oooooooh thats a danger face....

lowkey want it between my thighs lmao use me to work out your frustrations i can take it 

“kill the rich” lmao relatable 

this film revealed to me that i have a flexible morality ksksksk im all for it though 

sleepy bb ~ 

“we are all clowns” ALSO RELATABLE

🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

arthurs thriving in the crowd omg yes baby looks so happy

flashes of joker comin throughhh... 

sneaky baby...

quick on his feet, light on his sense... 

tread lightly on my ground, (abba; andante)

THE RED THEATRE SUIT OMG FORESHADOWWWW

he looks good in red

he looks good out of red too 👀👀

that is the smile of the world’s most precious angel omg babyyyy ~ 

he makes me smile omg hes my sunshine

my love my life 

you saved my soul do you know that??? do you feel me and how much i love you? do you see me and these tears? 

do you feel me like i feel you?

ohhhhh boy here we go asdfdgfhgjhk arthur going to meet his dad, only asking for love and instead he gets punched in the face

i mean i get it bc of what arthur did to bruce with the whole hands in the mouth thing but bruce is barely mentioned, like an afterthought?

thomas has a nasty temper i wouldnt want him for a dad

thomas legit only mentions bruce after he’s punched arthur its like his only thought is really protecting himself and his rep with the whole penny thing

his son comes after; legit as he’s walking away he mentions bruce so hes obvs not that concerned????

shitty dad award lmao

not that what arthur did is okay im not excusing his admittedly misguided and lowkey creepy actions but like ????

lmao prob gonna get hate for this ^^ like i did last time i mentioned it but i dont care im allowed an opinion

too tired to care rn anyways pfffft its storming so bad outside and my wifi has dipped idk if this’ll save

c’mon wifi, for me... 

yes

arthur didnt have an attack til he got called crazy, its a trigger word for him 😭

oh baby its okay, deep breaths.

dont fight your laughter, that’ll make it worse 

the way he bounces back from that punch though - you know how to take it, dont you, my love?

you sweet thing.

i wish i could get you out of that fridge omg baby those old ones lock - how did you get out ????

meds are wearing off now.....

darling say no to the show lmao you dont wanna go

*facepalm*

every time i watch this i hope it turns out different

it never does

arthur honey dont ask questions you dont want the answers to

that clerk was protecting you not letting you see the file

that clerk and gary were the only ones nice to you

but it wasnt enough

you needed love and support and help and guidance 

and instead you got literal and metaphorical punches and no break

the hand puppet omgggg ~ 

i want him to play peekaboo with me when im sad/upset/make a hand puppet over my shoulder aszdxfcghvjbkn

ohhhhhh darling stop reading stop reading stop reading

put it down. 

this entire scene is confusing and heartbreaking

ive seen this film 10000000 x and im still not sure i fully understand

his laughing is so much like sobbing here

omg moonshine its okay you can cry. let it all out. 

newspaper clips in a real file???? mmmm - unprofessional or arthur’s manifestation of news??

🤔

we love pathetic fallacy in this house

i wanna get you in the shower and wash you down and feed you and wrap you in my warm embrace “i had a bad day”

my dark angel, it’s okay. i’m here. i love you and im staying with you no matter what

sophie was his last hope, his last chance to reconnect

again im not excusing it lmao but im saying i understand him

hes touching everything to experience it for the first time

he knows shes a daydream

hes self-aware but he needs his coping mechanisms

we all do it

not the breaking in, i mean the daydreaming 

“i had a bad day” shatters my black, shrivelled heart 💔💔💔💔💔💔

ohhh, darling.

istg you’re the only person i ever fucking coo at 

finger-guns = reconnecting = remember me see me

but i guess to sophie it came across as ominous/creepy??

poor arthur trying so hard to reconnect to people and he just cant do it he doesnt have the social know-how bc no one bothered to ever teach him

again im not saying its okay im just saying

lmao i hate how i always feel like i have to justify myself even before thats called into question pffft the internet is cruel and prev times ive voiced myself ive been sent rude messages and once bitten twice shy

the sword forgets but the tree remembers

hes sobbign and laughing and its gut-wrenching

that neighbour yelling “shut up” better catch these hands imma square up

have some compassion dickwad

you never know what someones going through so be kind

always always be kind

^^^ film takeaway right there

if looks could kill penny would be 6 feet under

OH WAIT LMAOOOO 😂😂😂😂😂😂

in killing her he sets himself free. but the trauma and the damage done to him leaves him open to more of the same bc hes so vulnerable

that heart-rate monitor went quiet so quickly did he tune it out????

OMG THE WAY HE REHEARSES FOR THE SHOW YOU SWEET MAN OMG YOU DESERVE THE WORLD

sir thats my seat lmao my throne of red

“yeah? all of you? okay” 🤡🤡🤡

us lining up to fuck him into next week 😂

THATS LIFEEEEE ~ 

the fuck kinda hair dye you usin’???

CHOKE ME W THOSE BICEPS

DANCIN TOGETHER IN THE BATHROOM

THOSE HIPS DONT LIEEEEE 👀👀

scissors = pre-med murder but triggered by “my boy” - term used by abusers. 

poor angel’s triggered by lots of things, i think. theres no telling what triggers his violence and thats what makes him dangerous

could be anything and theres also no telling what his “you wronged me” scale is so ??? 

he’s like a kicked dog... lashes out when hes had so much and wont/cant take anymore

“COMING” yeaaaaah i bet....👀

“i stopped taking my medication and i feel a lot better now” GET OUT GET OUT THATS A RED FLAG OUUUUUUUUUUT YOU GO

OOOOOH JOKER’S LAUGH IS OUT - HES MOCKING YOUUUU AND YOU DONT EVEN KNOW IT BOY’S SMARTICLES

this is why arthurs so dangerous. he looks lithe and weak and fragile but he takes down a man twice his size with scissors in one hit

do not underestimate him it’ll be the last thing you ever do

I WANNA LICK THE BLOOD OFF HIS FACE

BRITISH ACCENT ON POINT 

LMAO he’d so mock me for mine 😂

“you were the only one who was ever really nice to me” a moral codeeee; flexible morality like meeee ~ 

okay but he so made gary jump bc he knew gary was too scared to move otherwise

loooooving the gallows humour with the door lock PFFFT

gotham slept on arthur dude’s hilarious

OH OMH OMG OMGOMOMGOMGOMGOMGOKMG JOKER JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKER

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY LOVE MY LIFE MY CLOWN MY HUSBAND OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

IM CRYINGGGGGGGG

JOKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKER

I CANT BREATHE FUCK OMFFFFF LOOK AT HIIIIIIM

LOOOOOOOOOK LOOK LOOK ASZDXFCGVHJBKLKJHGFDSZDXFGHJHKJLKJHGFD

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

MY LOVE MY LIFE MY JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKER

JOKERJOKERJOKER

LMAO HE’D BE GIGGLING AT ME RIGHT NOW OMGGGG

lmao let randall rot there fuck hiiiiiiim (and not in the fun way)

i want Joker to touch my clit like he did the lift button 👀

ohhhhh look at you having fun on the stairrrs

happy babyyyy ~ 

dancing  towards what you believe to be your death

so glad you changed your punchline at the last minute you didnt deserve to die

SWEET FLAWLESS ANGEL I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

his “oh” when the cops come lmaooooo ~ 

he does that when you grind down hard on him...👀

so used to pain he gets up from being hit by a car and carries on 😔

run baby run...

hes so agile and so quick on his feet

thinks fast too

arthur for fuck’s sake dont you dare stop

you’re almost there, my love.

im so so proud of you

SASSY DANCING ANGELLLL

i love that smug smirk he has and that chuckle omg lmaooooo ~ 

i’d do anything to see you look at me with such pride

ooof you look so angry in the subway but i’d happily cup your face in my hands and smother you in kisses

your eyes red rimmed with tears. youve been sweating and crying ohhhh ~ 

my love omg you didnt want this, you didnt want the riots and you dont know how it spun so outta control and you didnt choose this

i so desperately want to be with you right now

“i dont believe in anything” THATS OKAY I DIDNT NEED MY HEART ANYWAY

I MEAN ITS ALREADY YOURS BUT YOURE STANDING ON IT OUCH

💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

“mm-hm” i love that little noise

“i love dr sally” BITCH YOU HAVE A WIFE AT HOMEEEE

“THATS WHAT YOU CALLED ME ON THE SHOW. A JOKER. DO YOU REMEMBER?” THATS SUCH A DANGEROUS LOOK ON HIS PERFECT FACE LMAO MURRAY HAD ONE CHANCE TO CHANGE HIS MIND AND APOLOGISE AND HE DIDNT EVEN KNOW IT LMAO

fuck ‘em, Joker.

You deserve better

GET

THAT

FUCKING

GUN

AWAY

FROM

YOUR 

FACE

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all that pain in his eyes....

oh, darling. how did no one see you????

his backstage dancing got me 💦💦💦

hes so ethereal and mysterious, so free yet so constrained, so beautiful and so himself

i love him i love him i love him i love him

smile playing as he comes out on stage lmao even now hes being told what to do and how to act

hes never free

spinny baby

you spin me right round...

he suits the stage so well

lmao woop sexual assault (kissing dr sally without consent) isnt a good move Joker but damn what a first kiss...

never thought i’d be jealous of an elderly woman but here we are 🤡

he looks so good under the lights omg so crisp....

wanna mess and smear it uuuuup

~

you’re all being mocked and none of you fucking know it lmao get wrecked

memory problems bcof the notebook + “get it right” - he really cares

ohhhhhh baby come on change your punchline, come on....

okay but that drunk driver joke does make me giggle lmao it’s so out there and honestly my sense of humour is just as dark as his is

i just sHIVERED 🥵

“arthur” HE SAID CALL HIM JOKER DONT BE RUDE

ohhhhh i’m cryingggg 😭😭😭😭😭😭

i cant watch this without crying ohhhh all that pain, all that suffering and all that anger, confusion and betrayal. a mental breakdown on nat tv and no one sees him. how the fuck are you all so blind?????

“mur-rray” LMAO YOU FUCK MY NAME I FUCK YOURS

SAY IT JOKER IM SO SO PROUD OF YOUUU

hes speaking facts

“they couldnt carry a tune to save their lives” and that eye roll and groan yes we stan a dramatic CLOWN

this is fucking heartbreaking omg “i dont care about anything” but then he rants in the next minute - so unpredictable and dangerous and untamed but so so pretty in his pain so beautiful and so free

but hes not free... not really

“werewolf” as a verb omg only you could make that work

im so fucking proud of you

“youre awful murray” ooooooooh....

LMAO JOKER’S JOKE BLEW MURRAT’S MIND

hes crying and shaking and no one ??? sees him ???? how????

i legit dont understand how people just dont see him? people see what they wanna see but it’s right there???

he seems almost surprised by the fact he killed him

YES GRAB MY FACE LIKE YOU DID THE CAMERA PLEASE

IN THE WHITE ROOOOOOOOOM

UGH I LOVE THIS SONG SO FUCKING MUCH ITS SUCH A FEEL GOOD SONG

GOTHAM IS SO PRETTY WHEN ITS ON FIRE OMG ITS SO ALIVE

I LOVE THE ENERGY THIS SCENE GIVES OFF

ITS LIKE HOW JOKER HIMSELF MAKES ME FEEL

ALIVE

his little “hi” like they can hear him 🥺🥺🥺🥺

his laughter omggg sweet angelllllll ~ 

“i know. isn’t it beautiful?” YES IT IIIIIS

AND SO ARE YOU

OH NO OMG NO NO NOPEEEE

this scene always scares me even though i know hes okay pffffft 

the birth of joker lmao

be careful with him please hes precious cargo

omggg i wanna sit on that car and wipe his blood away and help him to get home so i can patch him up

lmao im a scaredy cat til my loved ones are threatened then i scare up this fawn bites

i wanna help Joker to get help and support

i wanna love him through it all, the good and the bad

his slow dancing always gets me omg it’s arthur, still there, still suffering, still unseen and unloved

hes crying and hes in pain

blood smile - my inside is on the outside now and it still hurts

he didnt want any of this. he chose his name ubt not what came with it

my poor clown...... 

CRYINGGGGGG AGAIN

HIS GENUINE LAUGHTER SENDS ME OMG ITS SO PRETTY

i wanna make him laugh like that

it always makes me smile omg those cute lil hiccups 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

THATS LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE

i love the audio muted during the scene he sings it omgg it’s so prettyyyy ~ i like to pretend hes singing to me sometimes asdfghjk

metaphorical or literal blood???

hes accepted who he is now.

hes free

dancing in the white light like an angel

i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love hiiiiiiiiiim ~ 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

~ THE END ~