#that's a lie i love so much shit rn but iN TERMS OF MUSIC those two things are living rent free alongside elvis

[muppetjackrackham]

when u get this u have to put 5 songs 🎵 u actually listen to, publicly. then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)💕

LAKJFDLSKAF HI KAYLA I'M SO SO LATE TO THIS I'M SO SORRY (i really need to check my inbox more 🥴) atm i've been listening to case 143 by stray kids ever since it came out (seriously i cannot stop humming this shit at work it's embarassing). i've also been listening to long live the king by kingdom, as well as vision by dreamcatcher, and then outside of kpop i've been listening to the zombies ost, particularly alien invasion and ain't no doubt about it from zombies 3!

[glass--beach]

hi !!!! :3 so, pd seems, in my reading like its a decent part about the kinda mass surveillance and commodification of personhood shit the world has got going on rn, in a kinda (yes, its cliche, but the radiohead influence makes it a bit more palatable) modern ok computer-esque way. anyways, i wanted to ask u, what motivated u to write about these subjects especially ??

i am transgender and so so scared

near every single person in the world carries a camera on them at all times with the capability of broadcasting its view to all of the internet. we have a culture of emotional armor and swords built to slip between its plates, to be angry or afraid or upset or even the wrong kind of happy is cringe. those who believe in some shadow government in some hidden room somewhere spying on us at all times are delusional - this is wrong - where labor can be outsourced for cheaper it will be. taxis are expensive to run, making people drive their own cars and find customers on an app for measly pay is much more cost effective. giving a music writer a salary is too pricey compared to hiring freelancers on a per article basis. and now surveillance has been, like so many other things, outsourced to civilians and their cameras and smartphone apps. a man sitting oddly on a couch is cheating on his girlfriend, a fold in a woman’s clothing is a hidden penis, we are the panopticon and the prisoner… this is the “society of control” - freedom as tyranny.

the nature of reality is at stake in our culture - “what is a woman?” “a woman” - those who refuse to understand transgender people are helplessly tied to some “deep reality” - “i know what you are!!” - which is ultimately an enforcement of the status quo socially constructed reality. transgender people recognize reality as something socially constructed and seek to bend it to their liking… pronouns and chosen names are after all meant for others to use rather than ourselves, they are third person terms, gender never worms its way into the terms “I” and “We”. our personhood is defined by other people, and can be invalidated or revoked by others… the insecurity created by this tension is ripe for advertising. take this boner pill, it will make you more of a man. take this injection, it will make you a woman. we are defined by our outside, our house, our car, our clothes, our skin, our bodies.

this is where the “family nexus” concept comes in - groups of people create their own pockets of reality. to christians, god is real and to deny this is insanity. to hardcore atheists, believing in god is insanity. to many psychiatrists years ago and some still today, to believe to be a different gender is insanity… and the insane deserve less rights than the sane, they don’t even know what is best for themselves. queer people seek to create a new sane. or rather to go “insane” in our own way the same way anyone who believes in anything does. create our own nexus where our experience of reality is simply true.

hope that helps at all and makes any amount of sense

oh yeah ok computer… maybe i’ll go off about that another time… much of the themes and sound of that record were a jumping off point for us. written in the 1990s, the end of history, time has marched on and yet we are still here stuck in capitalist reality. “did you lie to us tony” as if labour could ever do something about the fact that post 1991 “there is no alternative”… deeply tragic record but love runs through all of it undeniably… maybe i’ll go off about that in another post…

[huntiingdogs]

moonlight

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summary and here you are, fingers flitting across the monochrome keys as the scenery changes. he's by your side, meeting in the middle of two vastly different worlds. and as he's crying for whatever unknown reason; the moon is beautiful tonight, isn't it? is the one thing you want to ask him.

will your music reach him?

warnings. unedited, self indulgent, and impulsive one shot. that's it.

pairings. benny watts x gn! reader

words. 1911

notes. I have a couple of notes, so please read through them.

1. This is a literal word for word rewrite of the one scene in Your Lie in April where Kousei comforts Tsubaki while playing Clair de Lune on the piano and Tsubaki is crying.

2. Interpret this little one shot the way you want - romance, platonic, unrequited love, romantic love that hasn't been established, denied feelings, anything - I literally just whipped this up to get back into writing since I've been out of it, and I just finished watching The Queen's Gambit, so I spewed this piece within an hour (+ I am also in my ylia brainrot rn lol, leave me ALONE/nsrs lh).

I don't favour X Reader's to be honest, and when I do write them, it tends to be open to interpretation like this and/or is just pure self indulgent shit. But that's just me.

3. I don't know if I portrayed Benny's character correctly, and this is just how I see how he would act in terms of emotions and especially with this dynamic I have pictured between him and [Y/N]. Once again, this is purely self indulgent shit, I don't expect this being others preferable piece of work to read when it comes to this character.

4. And of course, enjoy [:

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There is a piano on the ground floor of the hotel.

That's the first distinctive feature you took notice of when you first took your first stroll across the hotel, passing by the clean grand piano in the foyer. Cushioned couches and seats surround it like a mini audience awaiting to gather whenever a player comes by and leisurely toys with its many keys.

But the reason why you are here isn't because of the piano; it's to support your long-time childhood friend, pretentious, egotistical yet kind renowned US Champion of chess, Benny Watts. Being close childhood friends with a practical prodigy is a one out of six chance by the chance roll of a die, the usual five out of six possibilities clustered with want-to-be stars and ordinary, regular people. People like you. Ordinary people like you weren't born with talent but stuffed with worthless pride and passion, and there's a distinct difference between the two. And that's the cruelness of the world. Not everyone is a Morphy, and not everyone is a Chopin. Not everyone is a genius. But even genuineness work hard, and it'd be an insult to disregard that hard work as simply and futile as "talent". But what do you know? You've been born in the concrete, and as much as you tried, no matter what hobby you pick up, nothing will ever satisfy you.

You had met Benny when you were his next-door neighbour, the typical humble American beginnings when people would interact with their environment because that's all children your age had: toys, your self-entertainment, if you were lucky enough a field and a park, but if not, then it's just you and the people around you. And of all the one out of six chances, one of those people around you would end up being a genius, or well, was already a genius at that age.

Now edging at nine at night, the hotel subdues into this tranquil, idle silence. Chipped chatters flutter the large foyer, and you approached the piano out of curiosity. You couldn't ignore it forever; the instrument that ate you up and chewed you up a thousand times. It's the life and death of you, as you've traded your soul and heart to music as much as the geniuses dedicated their life to their little area of expertise. But it wasn't enough. Your notes will never reach people the way you want them to, except maybe one person.

You sat on the piano with no eyes are staring yet, too coped into their separate conversations. And as you touched the first keys, no eyes bore on you. Maybe for a flit second, but other than that, none are merely interested. After all, the foyer is mainly empty, only consisting of the bars people and a couple of others who don't seem too interested in such riches of classical music.

'Clair de Lune, huh?'

The voice rang through the space, and you continued to play, the soft keys ringing, ringing, ringing. Will it reach them? Who are you playing for? Perhaps you're only playing for yourself.

'Thought you'd be up in your room preparing for tomorrow's matches,' you dully state, not satisfying Benny with your full attention.

From the corner of your eye, you spot him resting his hand on the side of the piano. He's like wet tissue underneath a shoe; you can't seem to shake him off. And upon figuring that he won't leave, you sigh. 'Sit down if you're not going to leave.' You pause your playing, shuffling to the edge of the cushioned leather seat.

Without uttering a response, Benny takes your offer without hesitation, but he doesn't face the piano instead, sitting the opposite way. Perhaps it's better that way, so his face isn't such vanity of a distraction. Then, you restart, gliding your fingers across the keys, like pressing a restart button. And when you play, it sounds like the full moon, tender, soft. A part of you feels like it sounds different from when you first played not a second ago, not so half-hearted. Wonder what could have caused that.

Benny isn't saying anything, and you figured it's because something is in his mind.

You were never good at reading the situation, but when it came to him, a chatterbox, a person who is like a light for moths, moments like these are rare but a motif you picked up from the many years you've known each other. The first time he silently sat next to you like this was when he had just got dumped, entering your home while you were idly playing the piano, and sitting next to you is Benny like a younger brother sulking in deep despair, ugly tears streaming his face. Crying doesn't suit him. He looked ugly and sad when he had a frown on his face, and it never fit him. So you always hoped that your playing always brings back the Benny you knew. The one that's light and enlightened by his regular smile, the one you knew that probably loved himself more than he loves those around him, ironically enough.

To you, Benny has always been like a kid brother. The genius brother. The one that always took the attention of your parents away from you, their kid. It infuriated you, of course, but then it's a netiquette reminder that you were supposed to be the opposite sex. And even if you did prove your parents wrong by picking up a passion and striving for the top of the world, your sex seemed to cut short of it, and nothing would ever satisfy them.

Despite that, you took Benny under your wing. He started as a quiet boy when your parents had introduced the two of you to each other. You were a little taller, more mature looking, and despite him being only a year younger than you, he looked like a four-year-old up against a six-year-old. But that shy persona washed away within a week of you two knowing each other.

'Something on your mind?' You ask as you slip across the keys, each note deep and rich.

Benny doesn't respond, and you have a feeling that he's scrunching his nose. He always does that when he lies or is anxious.

'Scrunching your nose isn't an answer, stupid,' you retort light-heartedly.

'Yeah,' Benny is quick to claim. 'Something's on my mind.' He doesn't elaborate, and you figure it's for the best. The two of you were never good at emotions.

No shadow passed your face when he responded with an agreement, but instead, you just continued playing. That's the only way you know how to express anything. If you were to ask him if he wanted to talk about it, he'd only shrug it off, no matter how much you would pry him.

But Benny let out a frustrated grumble, and he rashly swung towards you, so sharply that your fingers sprung from the keys as though they had burnt.

You stare at him as his face is still scrunched and creased. 'What is wrong with you. You're just sitting there and playing the piano, you music nerd. At least try to comfort me, you good-for-nothing-jerk - Shithead!'

Stunned blank, you stare at him, none of his words stinging or being like a slap in your face. Just a funny occurrence. It was always bantering between you two, and you're just glad that he can express his emotions like this.

Benny continues ranting to you, face tense with vigour. 'If you're going to be like that, it doesn't make any difference if you're here or not.' He almost whimpers.

A beat passes, and you can hear the clanging of the bartenders collecting glasses, clicking and shuffling. The world doesn't revolve around you two. You're merely the supporting side character beside a genius human, despite intelligence sewn in his blood, emotions and conflicts whirling inside him just like everyone else.

'Well...' You stare at him, watching as tears nearly gloss over his eyes, but you can't tell. 'Then I'll stay here.' You smile warmly. 'I'll be right here by your side.'

There's a strange moment when the two of you bore into each other's eyes. You stare at Benny elated, but concerned. But you knew more than to conflict him, so a calm persona veiled your features, not an ounce of shadows apart from the light of the silver moon passing the crevices of your face. And when you look at Benny, his eyes are like wet glass, eyebrows furrowed, and his lips are quivering. He's sniffling. You bet his head hurt based on how much he's attempting to hold back his tears.

You glance back down and pick up from where you left off, the keys holding every ounce of your heart and troubled soul in it. You knew Benny never liked it when people look at him when he cries, so you claim your place before he can go into a fit about how to "look away" from him. It happened when you had found him in the local playground tucked away from the rest of the world. And underneath that playset, he sobbed like the child he was over some business of a girl rejecting him.

You wonder what had happened that caused him to end up like this, especially before a fucking chess tournament. But what would you know that goes through that vast mind of his? While there is a genius, there is a human underneath that thicket of skills, passion, ego, and talent.

'Look at that, Benny,' you pause to acknowledge enthusiastically, glancing out the window and into the dark blue sky, illuminated with thousands of twinkling stars. 'The moon's out,' you say as you touch the keys tenderly. The chords are as intense as the deep black night outside. But the trail of those notes is as if the twinkling stars and the moon has a sound. It's a beautiful sound.

Benny furrows his brows, attempting to hold back tears. He's on the verge, and you knew it. Benny hated that you knew it. He hated how you had seen him at his worst, so there isn't any point to keep his calloused persona when around you. Still, there's that humanity in him, the overgrown roots of pride thorning him from being something as humiliating as being human.

'What the heck? What's that got to do with anything?' He sardonically says, more of a cryptic retaliation than a question.

You subtly beam, not poisoned by his sharp words, as you regard him a sincere glance. 'But, it's pretty,' you state, and you return to the comfort of the piano keys.

And beside you, you hear those pained tears beginning to seep through his eyes, probably slobbering through his face by now. People aren't watching. You knew this because by now, the foyer is mainly a voyeur, silver moonlight casting through the wide pained window. And the moonlight is unshifting, kind.

You don't know what is going through Benny's mind, and you don't think you ever will. Your dynamic is a meeting in the middle of two entirely different worlds. You've never been a part of his world made up of strategies and complexities. And he's never been part of yours built of pink stained wrists and monochrome notes and keys. But if you stay by his side, if your music can reach him, maybe he'll pick himself up. And that's all you can ever ask.

[fireblight]

obito for the ask game owo

send me a character and i’ll tell you…

a song that reminds me of them: IDK about obito specifically tbh but i think he gives me massive body horror vibes so for those vibes alone i'd go pluto by bjork or voodoo in my blood by young fathers and massive attack . no idea if the vibe checks out but it's freaky music and he's a freaky guy.

what they smell like: i think all uchihas have this sort of like smoky undertone or like some sort of fire motif . obito specifically hmm maybe like the crackling woodsy fire of a campfire out in the forest. when he's like 12 he reeks of lynx aftershave or whatever the naruto equivalent is of that

an otp: TBH I DO NOT CARE ABOUT OBITO SHIPS V MUCH... i will not lie to u. if i had to pick of his ships though i like obirin but not like the weird pining after a dead girl vibe that everyone seems to go through but more-so an au where rin lives and a setting where they meet again as adults and r both jinchuurikis or whatever and catch up and its hard and real and difficult but ultimately coming to terms w the changes in their personalities and finding kinship in their mutual monsterhood via jinchuurikism i think that could vibe. OH SHIT I JUST REMEMBERED HE WS TOBI. deidara and tobi are good

a notp: any weird shit aside, i cannot find it in me to ship kakaobi with any degree of passion </3 though i'm not like against it necessarily and i'm v laid back so i think with the right kinda meta or fic or s/t i could get real into it. i just have other kakashi ships i prefer that i've liked for longer </3

favorite platonic/familial relationships: deidara and tobi and although i dont know enough about loike. madara and obito's relationship cos it's been fucking ages since i watched that bit i do like the idea of evil dad and son committing moon crimes. and of course obito and taka bc of you <3 but unfortunately bc i am a sucker for slowburn and karin is a freak she's going to be in denial for ages especially cos she has brother related trauma. but hey. Thread potential

a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with: from what u say it seems like it's common that obito pines over rin all the time? that's lame . i don't hate like pining or whatever but i think it's redundant and also weird for rin's character too bc it takes away any importance she has as a person and instead like just makes her the lost lenore. fuck that. also obito's been thru so much who's going to have a crush for that long when all that other shit went on

the position they sleep in: he seems like a cuddler and considering he's paralleled to naruto i wouldn't be surprised if they both crushed the shit out of their pillows . i think he prolly would have grown out of it but in your lives au and w/ some healing i could see him relax back into his little ways

a crossover au i’d love to see them in: i'm just hiveminding with you rn but like a friday the 13th / jason voorhees type beat for obito because came back wrong etc "dying" as a kid only to return later with a vengeance like the material is there.

my favorite outfit they’ve ever worn: juubito is good because i love freaky weird body horror stuff in character designs . also i love tobi as a whole everything about him is impeccable goofy mf

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

hey love!! idk if ur matchups are open, if they're not you can skip this, but I'd love one if they are!! I'm half canadian, half korean, bi, my pronouns are she/her, but I'm kinda considering they idk, and im pagan/wiccan (work a deities, tarot cards, spell jars, etc), I'm absolutely enamored with literature, either classics or modern ya, I'm aiming for oxford for university, and streamer and lawyer are my two top career choices. I'm an infj and a taurus sun w a cancer moon, virgo rising, cancer mars, aries mercury, and pisces venus, and I either sleep too much or too little. My favorite colors are green, pink, and brown, and I've just started my squishmallow collection. Singing, writing, reading, and playing video games too much are my top hobbies. I speak english, french, sign language, korean, italian, a bit of Spanish, and a bit of german. I have very eclectic music taste, but wallows, ariana grande, arctic monkeys, gorillaz, lana del ray, and melanie martinez are my favorite artists. I'm decent at cooking but I have a deadly fear of the oven (i make cookies in the microwave rip). My love languages are touch (though I can only do it w people I'm vv close to), teasing (friends and exes have called me a tsundere</3), annotating books and giving them to people, and always checkin in on whether uve eaten/had water/slept. I'm an introvert that acts like an extrovert in public, but I'm actually vv quiet. I live for psychology and I'm also really bad at shutting up about myself (I'm so sorry). I hope this wasnt too much haha, thank u in advance, I hope u have a lovely day!!

For the lovely @smackmyasslikeavolleyball sorry this took so long 🥲

Romantic Matchup

Oikawa Tooru

How Y’all Met

Aoba Johsai was hosting a school fair

And you had offered to do tarot readings as a activity

Oikawa was intrigued by the little tent that got set up

But he was to scared to go alone 🤡

So he dragged iwa to come try it with him

The first thing he noticed was how beautiful you were :)))

The second thing he noticed how passionate you were about your work

It reminded him of how he was with volleyball

You began a card reading for him

And two cards that stood out were

The death card in an upright position

And

The lovers card in an upright position

Now Oikawa had no clue what these cards meant

But when you explained them to him

He took that as a sign to ask you out

So he waited till the end of the fair

And he offered to help you clean up your area

And offered to take you to a late lunch

You both went to a small restaurant nearby

And just talked to each other

Like shit

You guys found out EVERYTHING about each other

You both just found it easy to open up to each other

Since then you both became really close friends

And eventually Oikawa got the guts to ask you out

After a....encouraging...pep talk from Iwa

And you had said yes

Damn the cards never lie ig 😳

(I am so sorry if the card readings were inaccurate, I literally know nothing about tarot cards 💀)

What They Love About You

He loves how caring and attentive you are

Oikawa has a tendency to overwork himself without even realizing it

So your little reminders to take care of himself mean the world to him

Because it just shows him that you genuinely care about him

He loves your love language 👀

Alright this mf is CLINGY

But in a good way you know?????

Like at the end of a hard day mans just wants to go home and cuddle with you

Which will fit hand in hand with your love language

And omg if you tease him

Mf will tease you right back

Y’all can be tsunderes together ❤️

He loves that you have big goals for your future

It’s something you have in common with him :)

And you both are able to push each other to reach those goals

Favorite Things To Do Together

Ok so he really likes to cook with you

And let me make a point of this

He likes to COOK with you

Baking is a no no

You guys baked together ONCE

And not only did you almost burn the house down

But the brownies didn’t even taste good 😡

So you guys just stick to cooking together

Even if it’s just a packet of instant ramen

Mans will sit with you in the kitchen till it’s outta the microwave

Random Hc

Ok so with your psychology knowledge

You tend to call the man out sometimes 👁👄👁

Like it’s SCARY

“Do you think you try so hard because you want to make everyone proud of you? Or is it your god complex trying to prove to everyone that your better?”

Oikawa rn: 🙂🥲

But it’s ok cause if it’s a problem then he’ll work on it

One time you we’re scolding him about not getting enough sleep

Astrology

And all the mf did was point out how bad your sleep schedule is

So you both made a bet on who could fix their sleep schedule

When Taurus and Cancer come together in a love affair, it’s usually a very good combination.

They are two positions apart within the Zodiac, and such Signs tend to share karmic ties and a deep mutual understanding.

These particular two Signs have much in common

Both prize security in a love relationship above almost all else

both tend to be nurturers

Cancer is emotionally nurturing while Taurus loves to spoil their lover with sensual delights, gifts and good, rich meals

They’re both quite domestic and love a quiet night spent at home with their sweetie.

The Taurus-Cancer partnership tends to be a happy one due to this mutual enjoyment of the security and comfort of home.

They love a solid home base, a strong relationship, nice possessions, good food: all the comforts of domestic life.

Theirs is often the ideal family that people of other Signs strive for, with strong ties between them and a relationship that is family-oriented rather than toward the outside world.

Their only major problems arise when Taurus insists on having its own way and Cancer responds by sulking.

Taurus must understand Cancer’s emotional sensitivity, and Cancer needs rely on open, honest communication than on emotional blackmail.

Both Signs are dependable and nurturing, strongly oriented toward domestic life together.

A mutual love of home and security makes theirs an ideal long-term, family relationship.

Overall Aesthetic

Mystical Cryptic

[smalltragedy]

* justice smith, demi man + he/they | you know gabriel de leon, right? they’re twenty three, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, six years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to 1984 (infinite jest) by the used like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole waking up in a body as heavy as the dead, emotions always on the verge of spilling over - you laugh before the punch lands, the belief that every encounter you have will be the last thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 31st, so they’re a scorpio, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 21, est, they/them )

hi im just reposting gabe’s intro bc its been a very long time n im starting a little fresh hehe. yes i do regret the text color bt im not going back.

VIOLENCE TW

mini playlist.

ghosting ;; mother mother / roam the room ;; citizen / art of doubt ;; metric / thnks fr th mmrs ;; fall out boy / heart in a cage ;; the strokes / where is my mind? ;; the pixies / flowers grow out of my grave ;; dead man’s bones / 1984 (infinite jest) ;; the used / blister in the sun ;; the violent femmes.

statistics.

full name: gabriel de leon.

nickname(s): gabe.

birthday: october 31st, 1997.

zodiac: scorpio sun, scorpio moon, gemini ascending.

label: the icarian.

hometown: belleville, new jersey.

sexuality: bisexual (masc-leaning).

pinterest.

biography.

it’s only rly ever been gabe n his mom n the little new jersey suburbs that r always the same no matter where they go. they dn’t speak abt fathers or brothers or spain or anywhere other than the now, and how its constantly changing bt oddly the same.

his mom’s name is sonia n we love her. she worked a lot as a single mom n p much hs done everything on her own ever since leaving spain.

they dn’t talk abt spain bt we cn talk abt spain n hw sonia hd grown up partially there n partially in the states n hw she’d originally planned to live there forever bt the man she’d fallen in love with ws involved in some. high class dangerous shit n it ws safer fr them to part even if tht involved leaving everything she knew n loved <3

bt its like. ok. bc she hd gabe <3 n they dnt talk abt it so it practically nvr happened. n she tries her best as a mom n usually tht is enough.

they moved around a lot just bc sonia is a very. flighty person. anxious bt nvr seems tht way is just always. tense. gabe didnt think she ws capable of relaxing fr. a rly long time.

she wld commute 2 nyc every morning n after school gabe wld climb onto the train n by the time he got 2 her place of work she’d be just getting off n they’d get a slice of pizza n sometimes they’d go somewhere like central park or coney island (just fr the novelty) bt most of the time they just got back on the train home w/ gabe either doing homework or napping on her shoulder.

when gabe got a little older he’d sometimes skip school n take the train after sonia had already gone so he cld spend the day in nyc. he liked learning bt didnt rly like school. he nvr properly fit in bc of the amt of times they’d move so it felt like nowhere ws. right fr him.

got rly involved in. the punk scene as a young unsupervised teenager n tht led 2 a lot of like. shitty stick n pokes bt also a love of. very loud angry music n a sense of justice tht he held tightly in his fists. got mouthy towards bullies whether at school or in the scenes he involved himself in n started getting into a lot of fights bc of it.

during this, sonia ended up dating n marrying gabe’s stepdad who he calls craig sometimes bt i dnt think thats his name i wont lie to u guys. its partially a joke n partially purposeful disrespect bc gabriel does not trust a single man bt like. man. ‘craig’ is just an accountant. he’s fine he’s a good dude. they once bonded over like. the mets.

violence tw // anyways. when gabriel ws 16 he got into a super super bad fight tht ended rly. terribly n like listen. nobody died bt it ws just. it got blown up very out of proportion n gabe might’ve gotten expelled even tho he wsnt even the one who started it bt thts okay. ‘craig’, or paul, suggested tht maybe. a change of scenery wld b good fr gabe n b4 they knew it they were. moving to paul-robert’s hometown of irving, north carolina. violence end of tw //

he wld’ve complained more bt. fr sonia’s sake gabe kept it 2 himself. it made her happy 2 see them all get along anyways n like. idk he cld put forth tht little effort <3

bt honestly like. he didnt rly get into too many fights once they moved down here n even tho sometimes he ws like. ommgg. i hate this town .. its so washed up .. he still made friends n like. the only thing tht changed ws tht it ws a lil harder fr him 2 acquire illegal substances.

anyways. currently he hs a tattoo apprenticeship n is a professional piercer n like. he plays guitar n writes songs bt thts more of a hobby rn than anything else. mostly focused on paying his rent at port apartments bc as much as he. loves his mom he does not want 2 live with her forever <3 n thts okay!

personality & facts.

overall xtremely passionate person like god. feels emotions so intensely. every time he opens his mouth n talks abt an interest of theirs its just very like. u listen n ur like oh. gained 2 inspiration. thanks.

clings onto his friends p tightly bc he like. nvr rly stayed in one place fr super super long in new jersey so he nvr made very long term friends n now hes like. very clingy HLKDSHLKFSHLKDG also hates to b alone. subtle desperation behind interactions with ppl he rly wld like to be friends with.

like dnt get me wrong hes gotten into. sm fights bt thts mostly bc he cannot keep his mouth shut n he also cnt stand douchebags he like. always wants to tear them down prob bc he ws a victim of bullying. n u know what. we support him. otherwise he loves ppl bt esp if they hv similar interests 2 him.

like golden retriever who bites kind of. intensely loyal but at the same time is very skeptical. things tht good things do not last very long even though they’ve been doing already fr the last few years.

also bit of a nerd. they were nvr rly a big fan of school bt theres smth abt a good superhero comic tht draws their attention more than like. any english class evr. bt seven soldiers of victory? classic. big dc fan.

uh. very into like. hardcore music. hardcore rock. punk. if its loud n angry they r into it like so so much. hs sm tattoos is like. super covered in them its partially bc they work at a tattoo shop n partially bc they do not know hw to manage their money well.

ooohh u know what theyre. kinda moody i wont lie to u. very defensive like they dnt evr wna talk abt their past. has experienced Things n they do not wish to discuss them. will usually like. deflect frm conversations he doesnt wna hv.

in tune with nature. loves fkn taking walks. hangs out in the woods by abernathy creek n lilac ridge bc nobody rly goes there n its just. nice

tries not 2 take anything super seriously 2 the point where when he does take smth seriously its a little scary bc theyre super intense abt it. forcibly optimistic even tho on the inside he feels like a total pessimist. lots of. deep down insecurities tht he projects by attaching himself p firmly onto others. >.>

so so so energetic. can never stay still. always hs to be moving around. restless like tht. probably got it frm his mom. overly protective over the ppl he loves. probably got it frm his mom as well.

goes onto Tangents bt also divert frm those tangents n is generally all over the place.

always cold n always looks tired n like he hsnt slept in a thousand years n u know what. sometimes he just does not sleep.

oooohh theyre a vegan. totally into animal rights. devious little demi man beyond that .. loves horror n the paranormal n believes in like. every cryptic. will debate u on it.

erm not. the kindest 2 themself theyre a bit self destructive. impulsive. drives very fast n parties super hard. said i will hv my effy stonem moment. u dont hv to gabe.

bt ya! luvs oranges n reds n is maybe a short king. hs an eyebrow piercing n like. a lip ring i wont fk around here he IS living his best emo life in 2021. a little outdated on the trends bt thats okay. probably will tell u hes frm new jersey. its a personality trait. smokes the shittiest cigarettes ever.

wanted plots.

just ghosting along ,, dnt even exist 2 me ,, ;; god. firstly just the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs like. spoken to romantically n then dropped suddenly. n then maybe like. one tht actually Hurt bt they cnt avoid each other bt theyre actively pretending each other doesnt exist n its. hurtful bc it ws like. actually smth nice bt <3 ykno FKLFSDHG

hey hey heyy c’maahn i’m just a little guy ;; n this is the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs probably. pissed off n hs either fought or been on the verge of fighting just. unable 2 resist a good bicker-turned-duel.

just blistering in the sun ;; they cld b close friends bt also they cld also not b bt just ppl who. indulge in bad impulsive decisions with gabe. general bad influences on each other’s health n just. no good! party hard bt at what cost.

n also ;; like ... rly solid good friendships ... flings n maybe an exe or two tht either ended on good terms or just. horrendous, ppl they’ve distanced frm, ppl also frm up north, piercing customers, bt not tattoo customers bc im p sure they’d get fired if they were just tattoo’ing ppl willy nilly, etc.

[hatant]

I was tagged by the amazing @qveen-ivy to answer some questions, heeey and thanks! 😊😊😊

💌 - what day is ur bday?

January 30th! Aquarius baby 😎 also the day King Charles I was executed, so maybe that's where my aversion to the Monarchy comes from, who knows 😂

💌 - what’s ur fav colour?

Mmm...purple? Or green. Purple. Blue? One of those three!

💌 - whats ur lucky number?

3, 5 or 7. Don't ask why (I don't even know)

💌 - do u have any pets?

I do, I have a goldfish called Lumpy that I've had since I was ooh, 15?

💌 - how tall r u?

5 foot 11 inches of God honest awesome

💌 - how many pairs of shoes do u own?

I...do not actually know. I know how many I frequently wear, but I do have a pile of shoes jammed shamefully away in a wardrobe out of sight. Let's say...like 10? It isn't 10 but I'm saying 10 😂

💌 - favourite song?

Oh God so many.

Right now it's Trivium 'The Defiant'

💌 - what would be ur ideal partner?

I don't really go for ideals, you'll always end up disappointed. Plus people don't have to abide by someone else's ideals, that's just a recipe for disaster.

That being said, someone intelligent, who keeps me on my toes, who I can talk about anything with and laugh at everything

💌 - do u want children?

Not right now 😂 I honestly don't know, kids seem to like me for some reason, but they're great because I can give them back at the end of the day 😂

💌 - have u gotten in trouble w the law?

I have had...encounters. Nothing serious though, I'm lively but not trouble 😇

💌 - favourite swear word?

...fuck? Either fuck or shit are my most common swear words, however I'm partial to describing someone as a cockwaffle if they've greatly irritated me. More often than not I'll just call them an arse or a dick (calling someone a tit is a term of endearment)

💌 - bath or shower?

Mmm preferably a shower, but I do love a good bath

💌 - what colour socks r u wearing rn?

None, my feet are naked 👀 I try to avoid wearing socks unless I have to, I like my toes to be freeee

💌 - fav type of music?

All sorts, I am quite partial to some rock and metal and folk music but if the beat is good and I feel it I love it

💌 - how many pillows do u sleep with?

I sleep with two! Though kind of, between two of them if that makes sense? They overlap and I sleep on the overlap

💌 - what position do u sleep in?

On my left, back to the wall most nights

💌 - what u dont like when ur asleep?

Urm, I'm not conscious so I have no idea, waking up? Alarms. They're the worst thing when you're asleep 😂

💌 - what do u have for breakfast?

Hmm, it varies. Usually toast and coffee, with some fruit? Cereal if I'm feeling it

💌 - have u ever tried archery?

I have indeed, I am actually an archer (maybe not a good one but I'm enthusiastic 😂). I have my own bow, her name is Sophia and she's a meaaan mother if you don't treat her right

💌 - fav fruit?

Bananas and apples

💌 - do u have any scars?

A couple 😂 I've had an interesting life thus far

💌 - r u a good liar?

I honestly don't know, I don't actively try and lie? Don't know whether that's just because of the age I've got to, seeing the effects lying has or just the sheer lack of effort in trying to keep up a lie, it sounds exhausting.

Conversely I am amazing at poker because my poker face is solid (also because I'm just happy to be taking part and don't always understand what I'm doing, people don't know if I'm bluffing or just ignorant 😂😂😂)

💌 - whats ur fav type of girl?

I honestly don't know how to answer this, they're all awesome

💌 - innie or outtie?

Belly button? An innie

💌 - left or right handed?

Right handed

💌 - r u a messy or a clean person?

Urm...I try to be clean. Sometimes I fail, just when there's too much going on or I'm feeling lazy or whatnot, but yeah I generally try and be clean!

💌 - most used phrase?

Oooh...hmm.

"Silver lining is..."

💌 - how long does it take for u to get ready?

Not long, I tend to wash my hair the night before if I don't have time in the morning (it's a ball ache to dry) so like, 10-15mins?

💌 - do u talk to urself?

Internally more than externally, though I have caught myself talking talking to myself before, usually muttering if something isn't doing what it should do 😂

💌 - do u sing to urself?

I do, badly and very, very enthusiastically 😎

💌 - r u a good singer?

I am a horrendous singer 😂

💌 - biggest fear?

I haven't got the first clue. I don't like mannequins, but I wouldn't really say that's my biggest fear. Failure maybe?

💌 - r u a gossip?

I don't think I am, but people tend to just...tell me stuff. So I don't gossip but I know a lot of what's going on 😂

💌 - do u like long hair or short hair?

On me or...it depends on the person no? Currently for me I'm loving the long hair, there will be some point where I get sick of it or bored of it and I'll shave my head, but that's not yet 😂

God I haven't had short hair in years, considering I used to have a buzz cut and shave my head a lot this is quite the change

💌 - fav school subject?

I loved History, English and Theology, oh and Politics

💌 - introvert or extrovert?

Hmm...I'm naturally just loud but I wouldn't necessarily call myself an extrovert all the time. I have a lot of extrovert tendencies but at the same time I can be quite the introvert, it depends a lot on my mood I guess

💌 - what makes u nervous?

Mannequins. Fucking hate them 😂

💌 - who was ur first crush?

Morwenna O'brien, from primary school. She was very much a bad ass, beating up boys who said she couldn't do things because she was a girl and not taking any crap, and she was hilarious. First major crush for sure 😂

💌 - how many piercings do u have?

I have three currently, scaffolding in my left ear and my tongue pierced twice. I had more, but they've sadly been removed in a variety of ways over the years 😂

💌 - how fast can u run?

I'm dangerous over short distances, but wasted on cross country

💌 - what colour is ur hair?

It is...brown? Dark brown...ish

💌 - what colour r ur eyes?

They are greeny grey with golden flares around the iris, I quite like them 😊

💌 - what makes u angry?

Rude people without a doubt, urgh it's just the worst, especially to people working in the service industry

💌 - do u like ur own name?

I do, I don't actually know that many Anthonys so it's always easy not to get confused with someone else 😂

💌 - do u want a boy or a girl as a child?

Couldn't tell you, don't really have a preference to be honest

💌 - what r ur strengths?

I'm trusting, I have great tolerance for people, unless someone has done something really bad I tend to believe they deserve a second chance, I'm optimistic by nature, I always try and find a positive, I care.

💌 - what r ur weaknesses?

I'm cynical (sometimes), I don't suffer fools easily, if someone has crossed a line I'm done with them, I can be very cynical and think we're all fucked, I'm stubborn, I care.

💌 - whats the colour of ur bedspread?

Currently this

💌 - colour of ur room?

Hmm...kind of a...very pale kind of...creamy brown? I actually have no idea, I didn't paint this room 😂

Wow that was a lot of questions 😂

[shadowofthelamp]

SU Movie Liveblog

I had this open in one tab and the movie in another and wrote down my thoughts, let’s go! so sorry to people on mobile.

DIAMOND SONG, DIAMOND SONG

Yeah, makes sense that two years still isn’t really enough to sway them from thinking he’s still pink in some way- especially considering even the crystal gems had that problem after thirteen years.

ICE COLD, STEVEN

his big grin when connie kisses his cheek.... SO good

FAMILIAR DID NOT PREPARE ME FOR OLDER STEVEN’S SINGING VOICE

steven getting a song about being proud of himself and knowing he’s grown into a good person is also SO GOOD

and pearl! pearl’s part! also so great!

oooh, they’re all getting a piece!

garnet referring to her first fusion with terms like parents talk about a baby is PRECIOUS

AAAAA FIRST GLIMPSE AT BBY AMETHYST.... and she comes out with weird limbs like one of those drawing pose dolls, what a nice touch!

DON’T THINK I DON’T SEE THE BETAS THERE.... but no jasper, hmm....

RECREATING THE THEME SONG, I SEE YOU...

maybe it’s because I know what’s coming but making a song called ‘happily ever after’ is just asking for disaster, honey...

Steven Regrets Tempting Fate

steven looks younger when spinel asks who he is and that HAS to be by design.

hmm... is the gem drill connected to her form somehow, with how she formed her hand and it came out?

oooh boy, I’m gonna guess.... spurned member of pink’s court?

SPINEL GETS A SONG RIGHT AWAY, AND HER ANIMATION IS SO FUN

I LOVE IT

and ‘other friends’? yeah, definitely part of pink’s former court.

HER WEAPON IS A FUCKING SCYTHE HOLY SHIT

oh fuck oh fuck oh fuuuuuuck

‘holy s-he really got everybody!’ the boy is 16 greg, he can hear A Swear

oh shit, THIS THING TAKES YOU BACK TO ‘RESTART’ MODE, THAT’S WHY STEVEN’S POWERS DON’T WORK- THEY DIDN’T UNTIL HE WAS AROUND 13

well, THIS is uncomfortable, but it is always nice to hear pearl sing

the expressions seem... idk, extra cartoony here? pearl’s face is so round and everyone’s eyes look extra big. idk if it fits, but it’s probably meant to be a bit unsettling.

huh. someone smarter than me at analysis will have to talk about amethyst’s mimicking.

damn, they really did try to pacify pink with gifts of gems, didn’t they? I can already see so clearly what happened.

‘it took me MONTHS to stop trying to kill steven!’ peridot is so good

and then bismuth and lapis just build on it, NICE

that pose, with him having a hand on his face and looking back at the injector.... I swear either him or greg have had that EXACT pose in some other episode.

okay, pink was hyper and childish, but even she would have gotten bored and annoyed with spinel. I bet spinel was commissioned specifically by blue, but the pink that blue thought she knew, not the one that actually existed.

wow, about fourteen minutes. pretty short turnaround time for a ‘well shit that went bad fast’ reprise.

spinel’s little squeaky shoes during the reprise is... wow

BISMUTH GETS PART OF A SONG....

‘hijinks will ensue’

ANIME-ASS GARNET REFUSION....

if I was new!garnet I’d be scared and confused too... cmon, steven. she clearly looks really disjointed rn.

the first time I actually said ‘oh my GOD’ out loud in this movie was pearl rolling out the stairs and the red carpet

I OWN A CAR WASH

oh geez. boy do I think I know exactly why pink ditched her.

okay, we are.... about halfway through the movie. I do admit I didn’t think this would take this long.

also sandals as tap shoes?

the comic timing of amethyst opening her eyes and look over made me wheeze with laughter.

‘I’m back, you dip.’

also having amethyst be the first to come back was probably a good call.

holy shit is that ACTUAL BLOOD

‘you’re going to die ANYWAY’ gee thanks peridot

oh hey, rebecca as an extra, I think!

I love seeing how sadie’s letting her hair grow out the dye- it makes such a cool effect. and yeah that was how service jobs felt.

steven is just ‘what did I do to deserve this...’

geez, even years after he’s accepted things, steven’s still got a bit of a tight spot regarding rose. not surprised, though.

GARNET, THEY’RE MISSING GARNET, OOOOH

YES YES YES YES YESSSSSS I’VE WANTED THIS FOR /YEARS/, NOT UNDER THIS CIRCUMSTANCE BUT I’LL TAKE IT

I love how easy it is, same as it was for smoky the first time. steven fuses easiest with his family.

okay who the hell is that voice, I checked on imdb and it’s probably either chance the rapper or gallant since those are the unlisted named ones

WHY IS HE BUFF, THIS IS A RIPOFF, BOTH STEVEN AND GREG ARE SOFT BOYS...

yeah.... I don’t like his design. this is the first fusion I really didn’t like that of. ugh.

d’awww, garnet’s wearing steven’s jacket

they threw in the pilot design again!

OPAL SINGING, and admittedly, I do like the steven and greg fusion’s voice

ooooh boy heading for that ocean of poison ain’t gonna do him any favors

pink.... she recreated that garden, made it her sanctuary on earth. she didn’t have only bad memories of it- she must not have realized how much she mattered to spinel like she didn’t realize she mattered to the other diamonds.

the distorted almost circus-like music....

A SONG FROM PINK HOLY COW. wait... that voice sounds really different. is that the same voice actress?

yiiiiiiiiiiiikes. geez I see the reasoning here, holy COW.

‘actually, I can totally believe it’ yeah, as much as I like pink, boy did she fuck up a few times

okay, we got 24 minutes left, this can’t work, right? although spinel only cracked somewhat recently, it sounds like. so really, she’s not that far gone- and considering what we know, probably didn’t fully understand the consequences of her actions.

greg. greg. gross.

I... dunno really how to feel about the su movie being.... basically what everyone who misinterprets su says it is. spinel was made to be redeemed in twenty minutes. her backstory makes it almost shockingly easy. she’s technically the only villain to actually fall like that- like it’s been pointed out, peridot took months, bismuth was already sympathetic, and the diamonds took multiple episodes and still aren’t fully there yet.

I did kinda call that it wasn’t going to be that easy, but whoof. I don’t blame steven though, kid’s under a lot of pressure and is possibly literally dying.

OH, HERE’S THE THEME SONG FOR THE MOVIE

wait.... we haven’t seen alexandrite yet, wasn’t she in the trailer....? and they’re all hugging...

the little crack in his voice between ‘please’ and ‘hurry’...

I love how spinny and magic fusions and gem reformations are in the movie....

wow, BOY did the song sound different when it was released out of context

HE’S GOT CONTROL OF PINK!STEVEN’S SHIELDS AND CRYSTAL PROJECTION SHIELDS....

he sounds so.... adult. I know it’s just that zach is 21 years old now and his voice has changed, but steven really has grown up.

‘well, I changed white diamond’s mind with a single absolutely raw insult so you can’t blame a guy for trying’

yeah I’D KINDA WORRY ABOUT THE POISON.... LIKE RIGHT NOW....

WHY ARE THEY PLAYING THE HAPPY TUNE THE POISON IS STILL A VERY PRESSING ISSUE

if this is how they fix it I’m gonna be a little annoyed, not gonna lie

I just realized spinel reacted to steg so much because it jumpstarted part of her memories- her friend left to become a ‘fusion’.

white being passive-aggressive, I see. 15000 year old habits die hard.

steven: thanks for insulting my home five minutes after getting here, grandma. bitch.

haha, diamond ex machina

[ask-shakespearehigh]

Q&A post with the Mods!!!!

This is going to be a long one oh boy

How strict is the delineation of creative control vis-a-vis characters/plays between the mods? (@pedanticlecturer)

We generally have the plays split up along lines of “what we know”— we have a list at the very beginning of the blog. Sometimes we’ll draw the others’ characters (mostly me drawing some of Star’s…) but even then the final say on characterization is up to the “main” mod for that play — mod aster

what aster said -- mod star

What is your favorite play? What is your favorite character in terms of how they were written in the source material? (@pedanticlecturer)

I think my favorite play overall is Macbeth, just because I like the vibes (and the fact that I too could kill Macbeth), the fact that you don’t say it’s name in theatres, and the fact that it’s a play I did a full read through and analysis of in class. Favorite character? Puck from Midsummer. — mod aster

uhhhh,, hmm. ive always had a soft spot for midsummer since i saw it with aster esp bc of how fun the costumes were. of the comedies it has the largest potential to be the most visually pleasing bc of the concept of fairies,,,and im gay and dramatic so i love that. id die if i got to costume design for midsummer,,,or be in it,,,yeah. fav character. hmm. probably mercutio?? i recently saw a version of romeo and juliet where mercutio was played by a woman and oh my god it was amazing!!! not to mention mercutio’s portrayal in baz luhrmann's INCREDIBLE version of r n j!!! (I based my mercutio design on him) he just spends the entire time making dick jokes. love that. -- mod star

How do you answer asks so fast? I mean it's great but I'm impressed 😂 (Anon)

Personally, it’s a mix of: notifications on, quick drawing speed, and using the blog to avoid my class work — mod aster

aster is fast and (as you can see from all of my answers) im lazey -- mod star

Are there any elements/characters of the plays you're covering that you would have liked to work into this blog's plot, but couldn't due to the constraints of the setting or the synthetic nature of the blog? (@pedanticlecturer)

I wanted to make everyone gay but unfortunately due to plot constraints we have to have some hets but that wont stop me from making it lgbt as possible. -- mod star

I did want to make The Tempest more of a central play, but it just didn’t translate well. Similarly, other supernatural elements like the witches in Macbeth. This isn’t so much a constraint mentioned, but my own time/energy means that I want to show the Macbeth backstory, in a specific format, but I can’t right now— mod aster

Is there a hierarchy of import when it comes to each play's individualized impact on shakespeare high's general arc? If so, what plays are crucial to the foundation of the story? Which ones did you do mostly for shits and giggles? (@pedanticlecturer)

This is phrased like an ACT question and i might not answer it right so sorry in advance but: mod aster and i only selected a few plays for each of us to do given we dont know all of shakespeare’s works, but we tend to put more emphasis on the the more well known. But it also comes down to 1. How much we have plotted out for each play and 2. What the followers ask about most. Our two most popular are hamlet and macbeth bc people are familiar w those but around march caesar always becomes relevant again. I didnt even have designs for some of the characters until someone asked about them. -- mod star

I would say the same as star— it generally comes down to what people ask about. I will say that the overall plot is sort of separated into “has happened” and “is happening”. Like, the human potion of Midsummer, Julius Caesar, and Macbeth are all in the “aftermath” portion, while Twelfth Night, Hamlet, and Romeo and Juliet, among others, are happening. We’re trying to incorporate as much as we can, and I don’t think any of them were really put in without some thought.— mod aster

What personal significance does shakespeare hold in ur guys' lives? (@pedanticlecturer)

I go to a theater school rn and so ive dealt w shakespeare (although not all of them) it also helps that i was in loves labours lost last year as moth and that i read hamlet and r n j. Theres also a theater in my state that always does One Big Shakespeare per season and they always do them super well!!! My love for shakespeare probably started w seeing midsummer at that theater w mod aster!!! So. Theater kid rights!! -- mod star

To be honest, I got back into Shakespeare Because of the blog. I’ve been friends with some people that got really Pretentious about Shakespeare, and it kinda put me off of it. I did have a book of abridged plays (the plays’ plots written out in prose, basically) that I read as a kid, which is what got me into not only the plots of a lot of the plays, but also the idea of having them illustrated. And, same as star, the theater in state does the One Big Shakespeare— and they tend to do some really cool things with the costumes, setting them in diff time periods. I haven’t been able to see any lately since I’ve moved, but they still slap. — mod aster

🥰😘💙🥰🥰💜💟🥰I 😍💗💚😍😍LOVE🖤🖤 YALL ♥️♥️🧡💛💚💝❣️💕💘💖💗💓💞💝❤️💛💜 okay now i have a question i swear— how long have the two of you been doing art??? and what were your first shakespeare plays??? (@hellaghosts)

Uhh i started drawing when i was like idk 12 and i have the giant boxes of sketchbooks to prove it!!! I moved to digital art at abt 14-15 but mostly stayed traditional until this yr when i got a Neat New Tablet so some of my sketchbooks are sitting abandoned rip. My first shakespeare was either romeo and juliet or midsummer nights dream and i love both of them v much!!! I have a very old piece of art that i did for r n j for my freshman class assignment on it and it hasnt aged well alsdjfjafd circa 2016 i think??? -- mod star

Oh man. I started drawing when I was about 10, but it was Bad. I don’t think I got much into drawing again until I was about 14? Sometime around the end of middle school/beginning of high school. I would say I started getting into drawing as more than doodling/coloring edits sometime around 2015-16? I would draw on my iPad with my finger, then I got a tablet for my computer, and now I pretty much stick to my iPad with an Apple Pencil. My first Shakespeare play was….. uh…… probably Midsummer???? I have No idea. We would go to plays when I was little, so I honestly don’t remember if I saw others before. It may have been Romeo and Juliet— I had that book where it was the original and the “modernized” with the little dog that explained things— which, if you know it makes sense, but if you don’t is probably a bonkers answer. — mod aster

Do you think this blog has like? An overarching thesis (be it b/c intentionally or simply b/c ur own take on the world has bled thru to the point where u believe it’s central to the piece at this point)? (@pedanticlecturer)

Not gonna lie, I had to read that like three times AND dm you to figure out what you were asking from us and all I have is “be gay, respect women, write your own happy endings”. — mod aster

This blog started with an ides of march shitpost and you think we have enough brain energy to write a whole thesis? I projected feelings of found family onto my half of the blog but idk if that counts. Be gay do crime 420 69 -- mod star

What’s the nature/rough dynamic of ur relationship? How do y’all know each other? (@pedanticlecturer)

Met mod aster when i was like 4 and even tho we didnt live close we became like, best friends although the Best part didnt start until we were like 13-ish and eventually we talked like non stop (about anime and homestuck. Yknow. 13 year old kid things) and we didnt see each other a lot bc of Distance and now its even worse bc aster is in colleg.,e but we consider each other siblings regardless of family bc we’re adopted into our own respective families so that bled over into our friendship and it would feel weird calling him anything other than my brother now. We’ve seen each other at our best and worst and if you really want a good insight on what we’re like as siblings watch griffin and justin mcelroy’s overview video of catlateral damage wherein i am griffin and he is the long suffering justin. -- mod star

Star is basically my long distance sibling and functionally the only cousin I recognize bc like their parents are basically an aunt and uncle and like our dads look enough alike that we’ve both accidentally gotten the wrong dad for a hug or similar so like. Anyways yeah Star is the Griffin to my Justin, complete with our absent middle brother who we love dearly— mod aster

Dubiously relevant q but what kind of music do y’all listen to when u do art (if that is indeed a habit either of u partake in) (@pedanticlecturer)

It can depend on the piece? I was working on some (unrelated) oc prints that were song-focused, and for those I just listened to said song on loop. Sometimes I have playlists. Sometimes I’ll just be in a Mood and throw a song on loop. But a lot of time for the blog, I’ll listen to The Adventure Zone for the billionth time, because I have Too Much Attention. I’ve also, on request from Star, linked the most recent “loop song”.— mod aster

I tend to obsess over the same like 3 songs every few weeks so those get listened to on repeat but it also depends on the tone of what im drawing or who im drawing i might genre switch bc of that. If im drawing ophelia i stick to lana del rey and if im drawing hamlet its the neighborhood, horatio is sufjan stevens etc. i have categorized,. Most of the characters i draw into different songs/genres/energies of music but not like i ever follow that. Sometimes i just pull up a really long nonsense video and forget to draw. Essentially: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ -- mod star

How’d y’all come up with ur pseudonyms? (@pedanticlecturer)

I love space so much and my main blog is starryeydsailor space gay rights!! Im also tiny and full of energy and bright so basically i;m star -- mod star

Uhhhh i was like “hey i want to do uhhhhhh flower?” And then I google searched flower names until I found one I liked —- mod aster

How did you end up deciding the rough timeline of events in canon? (@pedanticlecturer)

It’s mostly determined by like. How we choose per story? If that makes sense. Like, we just take story by story, and decide “is it happening, has it happened, and when?” And then we fit them together in relation to each other just by dint of. All existing at once. Like, I knew I wanted Macbeth to be in aftermath, because like, even though there’s no murder, the way I’ve translated it to the AU is still kinda heavy, and it’s something that I don’t know that I could do properly if it were happening right now. Also, it’s more interesting IMO to have them at different times. Tl;dr we wing it per story and slot them together— mod aster (mod star agrees I just can word better, in theory)

If you could tell the story of shakespeare high in a different format than an ask blog, would you? Obviously y'all are making very good use of the format, but would you want to write this as a animated series or like? a comic book? or is the form inseparable from the story? (@pedanticlecturer)

I kinda wanted to do a webcomic or maybe to plot develop through like, animatics but the element of surprise comes from the asks we get and really makes us think so the blog is a good start. We didnt think we’d get this far -- mod star

Pretty much what Star said— there are certain elements where it’d be neat to do as a comic or as an animatic. Like, the fantasy dream is like, an anthology webcomic of each story, where you can like, see other characters in the background and stuff. But to be honest, we develop a lot by what we’re asked— there was a post about developing worldbuilding by being asked questions and then pretending you’ve thought about the answer, and it’s not far off. Personally, it’s hard to just lay out a story, because I have a whole WORLD and what’s relevant? What are people interested in? It’s by getting questions that I can then focus in on an area to develop. And yeah, we Super didn’t think we’d get this far lmao — mod aster

Any headcanons about your characters that you don't think will ever come up on the blog through asks or plot posts? (@pedanticlecturer)

I could make a whole separate post for this!!!!! Mostly its voice headcanons (and by mostly i mean like 1 or 2) or relationship hcs!!!! -- mod star

Honestly same. I don’t think I have voice headcanons for mine, though I bet I could find some. I’ve got a bunch of miscellaneous headcanons that just kinda float around, but like they’re scattered, too numerous for this post, and also not always things I’m sure are canon yet.— mod aster

[haeroniel-doliet]

gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim. 

[shortqueershakespeare]

ALL QUESTIONS!! ALLLLL (except the one you said you were uncomfy answering ofc)

welcome to my daily essay procrastination (dw it is getting done I've just written like 1000 words and I need a break from literature type writing lol) 

1: Full name - Robin, not sharing the rest (like I said) 

2: Age - 21 

3: 3 Fears - Abandonment, clowns, sleep paralysis 

4: 3 things I love - Theatre, languages, my puppy 

5: 4 turns on - Being dominated, lip biting, gentle physical contact, increasing physical contact 

6: 4 turns off - I genuinely don't know rn can u tell its been a while since I got laid lol, so I guess, being a dick, using certain terms for body parts, 

7: My best friend - Char is prob my best friend!! we currently communicate exclusively through animal crossing post lol 

8: Sexual orientation - Right this is somewhat challenging still but I'm gonna go gay 

9: My best first date - Would you believe I've only really been on two? I can't remember the first one v well but I'd be inclined to say that because all that first love shit was great 

10: How tall am I - 5' 3" i think?? 

11: What do I miss - uni 

12: What time were I born - I actually don't know exactly but it was definitely the afternoon 

13: Favourite color - Baby blue 

14: Do I have a crush - Yup 

15: Favourite quote - "The universe is seeming really huge right now. I need something to hold on to." 

16: Favourite place - I've got a few, a corner in the orchard at Hom, the nook under my window in my room, the bench up on the hill where I walk the dog 

17: Favourite food - Stir fry 

18: Do I use sarcasm - I think I was fluent in sarcasm before I was in English tbh 

19: What am I listening to right now - Right technically I cheated bc I just skipped a couple songs, but Bad Habit by Ben Platt and the puppy's snores 

20: First thing I notice in new person - Smile or voice 

21: Shoe size - 4 i think 

 22: Eye color - blue 

23: Hair color - a literal rainbow 

24: Favourite style of clothing - uhhh does generally gay count?? 

25: Ever done a prank call? - nope 

27: Meaning behind my URL - one of my friends once called me the shakespeare of nicknames as my other friend called my such a slytherin so i mashed them up 

28: Favourite movie - Moana atm, non animated either Let It Snow or Pitch Perfect 

29: Favourite song - Obv this changes a lot but the last few days, Wonderland by Taylor Swift 

30: Favourite band - Stornoway 

31: How I feel right now - Too damn warm and a lil sleepy 

32: Someone I love - my sister 

33: My current relationship status - furiously single 

34: My relationship with my parents - good 

35: Favourite holiday - when my friend and i went to austria at the end of year 13 

36: Tattoos and piercing i have - zero 

37: Tattoos and piercing i want - I want a few transition tattoos, a dodie lyric, something in russian, something watercolour 

38: The reason I joined Tumblr - Originally because it was 2013 and my friends and I were v much the typical tumblr demographic, this one to vent feelings about some shitty situations 

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? - Pretty sure they both hate me, I don't hate them, but I hate how things worked out 

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? - Sometimes yeah 

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? - Nope 

42: When did I last hold hands? - Probably when I last went clubbing? 

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? - Depends, I have to put T on, once i'm actually out of bed probably 15 minutes 

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? - nope 

45: Where am I right now? - on my sofa in my kitchen 

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? - depends where i am, home city it'd be katherine, clubbing in cam, jules probably or char, drinking just in cam, umme or porters 

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? - reasonable 

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? - usually mostly with mum, currently exclusively with dad because quarantine 

49: Am I excited for anything? - getting this damn essay done and sleeping 

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? - yep 

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? - not that often i don't think, but i am very good at hiding my emotions if i decide to 

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? - like 6 hours ago? 

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? - not at all unexpected tbh 

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? - not at the moment, i think i've managed to stop trusting the person who would've fit this category 

55: What is something I disliked about today? - my sister got super stressed and cried and i just wanted to make everything okay 

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? - ben platt 

57: What do I think about most? - rn animal crossing or work 

58: What’s my strangest talent? - i don't think i have one 

59: Do I have any strange phobias? - nope 

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? - both, i love taking photos and i love having photos of me at important times 

61: What was the last lie I told? - god probably something dumb like no i absolutely did not just steal your cup of tea 

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? video chatting 

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? - no, yes 

64: Do I believe in magic? - no 

65: Do I believe in luck? - yes 

66: What’s the weather like right now? - decent I think?? it's like 2 am so idk 

67: What was the last book I’ve read? - What Is to Be Done? by Chernyshevsky 

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? - Fuck no 

69: Do I have any nicknames? - Bob, Bobbin, Robs, Rob, Stink, Little'un 

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? - that would probably be me getting a fish hook stuck in my thumb lollll 

71: Do I spend money or save it? - both 

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? - the fact that this said a tongue and not my tongue is... unsettling.. but yes 

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? - yes 

74: Favourite animal? - elephant 

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? - writing the essay lol 

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? - morningstar i watch too much lucifer lol 

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? - rain by ben platt 

78: How can you win my heart? - hug me when i'm sad, send me things that make you think of me 

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? - he was there for me 

80: What is my favorite word? - mousse 

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr - okay so i have five blogs and am so tempted to just list those but sewing-and-showtunes, aeternumregina, oneoveroneisone, ballym, xx-thedarklord-xx 

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? - STAY THE FUCK INDOORS 

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? - no 

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? - shapeshifting 

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? - do i like myself 

86: What is my current desktop picture? - hamilton and laurens lol 8

7: Had sex? - yes

88: Bought condoms? - yes 

89: Gotten pregnant? - no 

90: Failed a class? - yes 

91: Kissed a boy? - yes 

92: Kissed a girl? - yes 

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? - yes 

94: Had job? - yes 

95: Left the house without my wallet? - yes 

96: Bullied someone on the internet? - no 

97: Had sex in public? - yes 

98: Played on a sports team? - yes 

99: Smoked weed? - yes 

100: Did drugs? - no 

101: Smoked cigarettes? - yes 

102: Drank alcohol? - yes 

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? - no 

104: Been overweight? - no 

105: Been underweight? - no 

 106: Been to a wedding? - no 

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? - yes 

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? - yes 

109: Been outside my home country? - yes 

110: Gotten my heart broken? - yes 

111: Been to a professional sports game? - no 

112: Broken a bone? - no 

113: Cut myself? - yes 

114: Been to prom? - no 

115: Been in airplane? - yes 

116: Fly by helicopter? - no 

117: What concerts have I been to? - dodie, stornoway, show of hands 

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? - yes 

119: Learned another language? - yes 

120: Wore make up? - yes 

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? - yes 

122: Had oral sex? - yes 

123: Dyed my hair? - yes 

124: Voted in a presidential election? - i'm british 

125: Rode in an ambulance? - yes 

126: Had a surgery? - not unless my fish hook extraction counts 

127: Met someone famous? - yes 

128: Stalked someone on a social network? - yes 

129: Peed outside? - yes 

130: Been fishing? - FISH HOOK YES I HAVE I NEVER WILL AGAIN 

131: Helped with charity? - yes 

132: Been rejected by a crush? - yes 

133: Broken a mirror? - no 

134: What do I want for birthday? - a boyfriend lol, or tbh for quarantine to be over 

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? - oh lord who knows, i like the name scottie and archie for girls 

136: Was I named after anyone? - my middle name is after my gran 

137: Do I like my handwriting? - ehhhh 

138: What was my favourite toy as a child? - my teddy bear 

139: Favourite Tv Show? - Crazy Ex Girlfriend 

140: Where do I want to live when older? - Berlin, Cambridge or London 

141: Play any musical instrument? - used to play the violin v poorly 

142: One of my scars, how did I get it? - fish hook or pets 

143: Favourite pizza topping? - pepperoni 

144: Am I afraid of the dark? - no 

145: Am I afraid of heights? - sort of 

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? - don't think so 

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? - yes 

148: What I’m really bad at - currently? being motivated 

149: What my greatest achievements are - getting into my uni, finally finding an antidepressant that works, coming out 

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me - oh yikes it's way too late at night to open that can of worms 

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery - pay for my damn top surgery 

152: What do I like about myself - I'm empathetic 

153: My closest Tumblr friend - @oneoveroneisone 

154: Something I fantasise about - going to pride abroad 

155: Any question you’d like? - I'm gonna pass this to the anons, ask me questions?

[tentimesbetter]

[1/5] Hhhhhh I’m sorry I was so silent >.< I had a big exam today and tbh I was lowkey (highkey) freaking out over it yesterday and the day before?? I didn’t even realize I was so nervous because of the exam until I finished it today. I hope it went alright but… yeah I don’t know. *throws all my attention at you* I’m back now, I hope you didn’t miss me too much ;;;; Also it makes me kinda sad to see people playing Ateez’ wins down like that? Just because they’re such a young group?

[2/5] They have a huge fanbase already, their views and sales are doing well – so I doubt kq bought the wins… Like I get the saltiness when you see a super young group have their first win instead of your faves, especially if your faves have been in the industry for far longer, I’m not gonna lie I feel it too sometimes. But those rookies still deserve their awards. They’ve worked their *sses off just like everyone else, and they will continue to do so I’m sure.

[3/5] I’m just happy for them, plus they’re one group less that has to go through the pressure of finally getting their first win when people think they’re already “overdue”. lol don’t we all have those fics that once seemed like a good idea until they kinda just.. weren’t anymore? I abandoned so many stories in my life, I’d feel bad listing them all^^” (tbh I can’t even remember all of them) And I had to google Arcana, but now that I know what it is I actually keep getting ads for that xD

[4/5] Is the game good? - “it’s only a man what will I lose” okay I had to laugh at that but it’s actually a really nice mindset? You don’t have to keep pursuing someone who isn’t interested… I guess you’d only end up getting hurt and wasting your time on waiting for something that will most likely never happen… (that’s something teenage me should’ve understood sooner lol…) Oh also since you said you might get into SF9 - I mean they are my ults sooo I could help you get into them if you want 👀

AAAAHHHHH omf! I really hope your exam went well! Did you get a break after the exam? I can imagine the stress but please remember that you did your best in the given circumstances ok? I was just a little worried about where you were? Don't worry about me being whiny aha. Just focus on the next exam if there's any and make sure you get your breaks and don't overwork yourself okay? Make sure you eat and drink enough water and get at least four hours of sleep if not six, aight? What was the exam about?

And yeah, it makes me a little smad about how people are sidelining and downplaying their achievements because they won even though they're new. Like I understand being disappointed but??? they worked just as hard for this win. Probably worked a little harder because they're new and they need to make sure they give their 900% so that people will notice them. I don't understand the whole idea of disregarding another group's hardwork when your group loses, ngl. Like just because you're sad doesn't mean you can shit on someone else. I really hope SF9 will get a win though because RPM is hella nice. Their music in general is nice aaahhh so I hope it'll pay off and they'll get what they deserve :/

Arcana aaahhh yes. It's actually good. I love the artwork for the game and the way they don't force any gender specific MC designs is hella heartening like there isn't a default design at all and just ;-;;;;; I appreciate that so much I'm not even kidding. Plus the characters are diverse in terms of identity??? And just bless that stuff. And I really really fuck with the way the story is written out?? You know the developers put their heart and soul into it. The only thing that's a little sad is that you require to have game coins to do select of the options and since you only get a limited number of coins at the beginning of the game + you need to buy the coins, it's a little difficult but there's mod versions for that even if they are like not recent updated versions aha.

Overdue, abandoned works are all I have most of time I'm not even kidding. Half of them I think I should delete bc I don't think I'll ever go back to them because I don't write like that anymore and also??? I don't stan those groups as much as I used to? Like I have BTS, ASTRO and GOT7 wips and I know I won't ever finish them??? But the plots for those are p well thought out and the idea of losing them makes me sad. I keep thinking I'll revamp them to a group I do stan now but idek if I'll do that ahaha.

I'd honestly love it if you helped me get into SF9 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I found their drama when it released and I was literally obsessed with Sole Mio and Mamma Mia when those came out. Idk why I never got into them honestly.

Also about my attitude,,,, it's actually come after such a long time?? Like teenager me would have benefited so much if I had this attitude back then because I know I took so many hits on my self esteem when my friends would start dating or have boys ask them out and I didn't??? Half of it now is bc I look at Irene and I'm like "there's no way she would want me to be sad about a boy not liking me" and hhhh I'm nothing if not willing to live up to the people I admire. This boy though,,,,, I think I'm more sad because I know he started talking to me because he was interested in me? And I like talking to him bc he never did try any moves (I know he was interested in me bc of a very interesting story) so I was genuinely 🥰🥺 about it. And he's nice to talk to so I'm just really sad about how he'll stop talking to me when he loses interest :/ It's just a little disappointing. It was nice to be friends with him.

Sorry about replying so late, my wifi was being wonky so the answer wouldn’t post??? and then I went out with a friend so I couldn’t reply until rn

[far-off-flower-fields]

Don’t mind me just find more random questions to answer to distract me until I’m tired enough to sleep.

How many times each morning do you press the snooze button? I don’t usually have to set alarms these days.

What time of day do you like to shower? Night

When you go out to eat, what sides do your order with your food? Usually no sides because I’m not rich and if I have to pick between a side and a dessert I will get dessert.

What do you spend more money than necessary on?  I’m bad with money, toys probably, or clothes. I buy second hand, but I shouldn’t be buying anything that isn’t specifically planned in advance right now since I need to save to move.

What video game or computer game are you best at?  I’m really bad at games, so maybe Sims 4 or something. I like games, I play them when I have the energy, I just really suck.

How do you normally come across new music?  Spotify, sometimes my Fiance.

What do you keep your keys on?  A turtle keyring.

Is your favorite color different than your favorite color to wear? Not really, I wear a lot of pastel colours, and they’re my favourites. Although I also wear neutrals and black if I’m doing a different look since my wardrobe is like 4-in-1 because I’m a million people at once. 

Do you buy books or get them from the library?  I used to read all the time, I’d go to the library and hire like 7 books and go through a book a day. Now I can’t concentrate so I just don’t read. I have several books in my posession that I need to read though if I ever get better.

What section of the food pyramid do you neglect the most?  I say fuck the food pyramid.

Do you check PostSecret weekly?  I have no idea what that even is.

What do you use your stovetop for most?  Sitting things on. Or pasta. I made hokey-pokey the other month though to use up the last of the syrup someone bought.

Do you notice the impact of the economic recession? Yes, I saw so many posts on Gumtree of people having to give up their pets for financial reasons and it was really heart breaking.

Would you enjoy living somewhere where it's sunny all the time? Absolutely not. The sun gives me headaches and migraines. 

What is it that you always seem to lose?  My will to live xD Honestly though I lose like everything because I have to keep my entire life in a single room of my parents house rn.

Have you ever broken any bones?  One, because I couldn’t handle the thought of going to work. I’m more prone to tendon damage.

What is your winter coat like?  Which one? I have a mint green one which is waterproof and fluffy inside, I have a brown duffle coat one that flares out a bit, and I have a grey long coat. I also had to declare bankruptcy.

Do you keep dirty clothes in a hamper, or on the floor?  Both, I have a system.

Which decade's music do you like best?:  I can’t pick. 

Can you focus on studying if there's music on?  Yes, as well as I can really focus in general.

In what types of situations do you demand absolute silence?  When I have a migraine or sensory overload.

Did you do well at fitness testing in grade school?  NO. PE is the only class I failed.

If you had to choose a wardrobe to steal, who's would you pick? No, I have worked hard on mine to get it to the point its at.

If you had to pick one thing to bring back from the 90's, what would it be? Most of that stuff has already come back in one form or another, or never really gone away. Like you can get the toys second hand, furby has been rereleased like 3 times, clothes you can also still get second hand and the styles are pretty easy to copy anyway. 

What about the 80's?  Same as above.

Do you share any of your music taste with your parents?  I share parts of my music taste with pretty much everyone, I have a really varied music taste, there isn’t a single genre I can say that I hate all of, there are ones I’m fairly unfamiliar with but I always loved music so I like a lot of it.

Could your parents tell when you would fake sick? I was sent in whether I was sick or not so there was no point in even trying. Only way I was allowed off was if I literally threw up in front of them which didn’t happen much, or the few occasions where my allergies gave me conjunctivitis.

Do you own more shoes or less shoes than the average person? More.

Do you still have anything from when you were a baby?  I have a Quasimodo plushie that I had when I was like 3. My parents always threw everything away or gave it away so I don’t even really have baby pictures, except like one I got from my grandparents place when they died.

Are there any stores that send you e-mail newsletters? A couple, but that’s just from buying things in the past.

Do you think people overuse the word "random"?  Now not so much, but back in the 00s and early 10s it was used a lot more.

How often do you floss?  Never, my teeth are a bit overcrowded so I can’t fit the floss in without pain and bleeding. 

Do you use hairspray much?  Never, I used it for a couple of stage shows I was in when I was a lot younger and that was about it.

Who is your favorite painter? I don’t really have one because there are so many, if I’m picking out of just the really famous ones then either Monet or Van Gogh.

Are art museums interesting or boring to you?  Interesting

What subject in school do you feel is the least necessary? PE needs significant changes to be at all worth the cost of running it. Once I hit my 20s I found out that there actually are some physical activities that I enjoy and missed out on. I think they should make it more free-form, if the concern really is health then surely letting people find and do the fitness tasks that work for them is better. If I’d been brought into a gym with actual gym equipment and they explained, okay, this does this, and this does this, try things out with a spotter and see what you like and what works for you, I’d have been much better of and have had some degree of physical fitness by now. They could also have offered option modules where instead of forcing everyone to do the same shit they let you pick, then I’d have been able to do yoga and dance and skipped out on the team sports they were pushing that literally lead to so much bullying and injuries because it’s about being competitive so they can send they sport inclined kids off to do competitions and win the school more money for the sports department and it’s a big nasty cycle of, damage some kids in favour of others, and lie to them all while making it compulsory for several years. Sorry this is a big ol’ sore spot with me because it is hugely indicative of many of the issues with many school systems in general, and while kidding on it’s for the youth, is actually just hurting them. FUCK. 

When you were a kid, what games did you always play on the playground? I had like two modes, there was the days where people would play with me and we’d mash-up characters from the shows/movies we were watching (mostly charmed, totally spies, and xmen) and play as them in this whole made up world. Other days I’d walk around the tennis court trying to stay on the lines if it was empty or I’d just walk around the school daydreaming.

Do you enjoy power outages or do you get annoyed? I’m scared of the dark so I’m more afraid than annoyed. If I’m in the right situation it can be okay, but I never am because I don’t live with my Fiance and we can never afford candles.

Do you know how to use an ATM?  Yes.

How about write a check? No.

Are you in to your heritage much?  Sort of, not of my specific family, but Scotland’s cultural history and the like is interesting.

Are you pretty politically correct?  I resent that term, it’s like the term “cancelled” where some brat decided to make it into something controversial to be nice, and considerate, and tactful, or to hold others accountable and expect them to hold themselves accountable. These are basic things you should be doing, do you need to use slurs? NO what are you losing by not using them? Nothing. What are you gaining by using them? Nothing. We gain nothing as a society by being intentionally offensive or winding folk up. You’re not thought provoking, we already came to the conclusion that certain things are shit, the next step isn’t to continue with your jokes, it’s to stop that shit and do the right thing to the best of your ability. FFS what does it cost people to just be nice? NOTHING.

What is one fashion trend you'll never understand? Some of the shoes the now are, lumpy and weird? Like they stick out in places I can’t imagine being practical. Also mullets.

What do you wear when you exercise?  Ummmm depends what I was wearing immediately beforehand, if it’s fine then I just stick with that since I don’t do anything especially heavy-duty. If it’s not, I just grab some sort of top and shorts or leggings, whatever I put my hand on first honestly. A lot of the time I’m just wearing onesies with little monsters all over and they’ll do the job so I just stay in them.

What is usually the last thing you do before you go to bed? It varies, sometimes I put on some rain sounds or something. The only consistent thing is that I have to go to the loo whether I need to or not, that’s one of those things I assumed literally everyone did but it turns out they don’t and I just held onto the methods that were used to toilet train me as a bub xD If I’m alone I also have a system I have to use to check the doors are locked or I can’t sleep and have to get back up to check, but I don’t have the house to myself that often so...

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

I miss the days before everyone was addicted to streaming services

FOMO, recognized by many as a soul-crushing feeling of missing out on something wonderful, is brought on by a variety of different circumstances.

The sensation is pretty common nowadays. It can hit when you see friends engaging in a Twitter discussion without you, or co-workers posting photos from a happy hour that you missed. I've experienced a ton of FOMO in my 25 years of life, but one of my least favorite forms is the FOMO that arises when people are bonding in front of me over a movie or television show I've never seen.

As someone who loves television and hates feeling left out, whenever this happens I find myself thinking, "GAH, I miss life before streaming services."

SEE ALSO: Learning to let go of your entertainment backlog

Now you might be thinking to yourself, well, if you really loved television you'd think streaming was the best thing since sliced bread DVD box sets. And I do. I have Netflix and Hulu subscriptions and spend so many hours in front of my television that I've surely left an imprint in my couch. But all the different platforms, hundreds of exclusive originals, and subscription prices in the world today really pile on the pressure.

I can't help but feel like a movie and TV show version of Ash Ketchum, in the sense that I GOTTA WATCH 'EM ALL. But I can't. So here I am, longing for the days before streaming — a time when tuning into the latest shows felt like a far more relaxed and even playing field.

The problems with streaming

Think about it: Today we've got streaming services like Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime Video, and HBO Now. And those are just some of the most popular.

I can't even think about Sling TV, and all the other cable alternatives out there right now, so for the purpose of this article let's concentrate on those first four. Each costs money and each creates its own original content, so if you don't have subscriptions to all of them, you're definitely missing out on something.

If you don't have Netflix, you're isolated from hundreds of originals, including one of the greatest romantic comedies the world has seen in years. You're also woefully behind in the Marvel Universe, there's a good chance you've never experienced Stranger Things, and you have yet to be blessed by the Fab Five Guardian Glow-Up Angels that are the cast of Queer Eye!

No Hulu? That means no Handmaid's Tale, no Casual, and where the HECK are you watching re-runs of The Mindy Project? 

While I personally have access to all those brilliant programs, I don't have HBO Now, which means I've sadly never had the pleasure of seeing other great shows like Insecure or Veep. It means that during Game of Thrones season I walk into the office every Monday unable to participate in my colleagues impassioned discussions. And I'm fine with that, but it doesn't mean I don't feel left out.

Believe it or not, the most devastating streaming FOMO I have yet to experience isn't related to not knowing what's up in Westeros. It comes from not owning an Amazon Prime account.

For years I was perfectly content living a Prime-less existence, considering I almost never purchase anything on Amazon.com. But in 2017, everything changed. The Golden Globe-winning Marvelous Mrs. Maisel came out, and I, a die-hard Amy Sherman-Palladino fan since Gilmore Girls first aired in 2000, was unable to experience the magic. I don't feel I should be isolated from content simply because I don't want a Prime account. Like, put that shit on the CW or something, please! 

After a week of listening to people rant and rave over Marvelous Mrs. Maisel's characters, writing, and performances my sadness transformed into anger, and my internal grudge against streaming was born. 

It's not just TV...

Sadly, the stresses of streaming aren't simply confined to television — they're creeping into the music world, too. (Lookin' at you, Bey and Jay.)

Apple Music and Spotify are over there duking it out, while Tidal's keeping quality Queen content under lock and key, making non-members feel like they're shamefully living under a cultural rock for days on end. 

Ugh should I download Tidal??? Having major FOMO rn pic.twitter.com/uK9gFCasiN

— Andrew🥂 (@_AndrewC17) June 17, 2018

Thankfully, I used an HBO free trial to watch Beyoncé's Lemonade live — because I fear that level of FOMO would have sent me to my grave — but I still had to wait until it was no longer a Tidal exclusive to listen to the actual album. 😒

So while music streaming gives you access to such an overwhelmingly wide library of music, there are cases like when Beyoncé drops an album, for example, in which you can't have timely access unless you pay for a certain subscription. It's straight up peer-pressure, and it's infuriating.

Hello? Is anyone out there?!

Beyond the basic FOMO, streaming stresses lie in the race to binge-watch after an entire original season drops, the overloaded queue, and the feeling that there's simply too much content to consume.

The fast-paced viewing life is fun sometimes, but once in a while I can't help but miss the days of waiting a week between single episodes to find out what happens next, knowing the rest of the world was doing the same. Now there's cable AND streaming to worry about!

While writing this article I began to wonder if I was alone in my love/hate feelings towards streaming, so I sought out some thoughts from my fellow binge-watching colleagues.

Turns out Entertainment Reporter Kellen Beck gets overwhelmed by streaming services, too. "I like streaming, but the pressure of watching everything is something I do not like," Beck said — a topic which he explored further in this piece about coming to terms with your massive entertainment backlog.

But Mashable Culture Writer Martha Tesema offered another perspective, explaining she personally feels far less FOMO nowadays than she did growing up without cable. She likes the fact that streaming lets her watch things on her own terms and that watch shows whenever, wherever. All very valid points.

The solutions

The way I see it, there are a few way to conquer the overwhelming exclusivity of streaming services. The first, and what I'm sure many seem is the easiest, is to succumb to the stress, pull out your wallet, and subscribe to them all.

But you know what? I refuse. In this frustrating scenario, you drop a pretty penny on streaming services for what? Dozens of exclusives and loads of repeat content that exists across multiple platforms? Not to mention an unbearably overwhelming amount of content that you'll likely never have time to even put a dent in... No thank you. 

I'm a millennial, and I don't know if you've heard or not but if I ever want to buy a house I shouldn't even spend money on avocado toast — let alone splurge on more than two streaming subscriptions.

Another problem-solving trick of the trade I've been enlightened on is to simply share accounts. Find a friend, a family member, essentially anyone who's willing to save a few bucks and work out a deal to share passwords. Maybe you can pay for two services and share your password in exchange for their passwords for the other two services. That way everyone's happy! 

And of course, there's always the Keep Creating New Emails To Take Advantage Of As Many Free Trial Sessions As Needed option. But honestly, that can become a lot of work.

The future of FOMO

When cable TV ruled the world visual entertainment felt more like a leisurely reward and less like a race to educate yourself for the purpose of keeping up with pop culture. There were still different packages and premium channels, sure, but you could pick what you want, pick what you didn't and it was done. Everything was in one place and it was glorious.

But it's 2018 and streaming — with all its frills, bonus packages, and competitive content — looks like it's here to stay for a while. It's messy but it's reality, so I guess it's time to stream on and  embrace that FOMO, people.

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WATCH: 10 of the best TV shows that made it to 10 seasons

[smalltragedy]

* justice smith, demi man + he/they | you know gabriel de leon, right? they’re twenty three, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, six years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to 1984 (infinite jest) by the used like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole waking up in a body as heavy as the dead, emotions always on the verge of spilling over - you laugh before the punch lands, the belief that every encounter you have will be the last thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 31st, so they’re a scorpio, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 21, est, they/them ) 

hllo this is my second child i think theyre p grand n i love them a lot. as always pls like if u’d like to plot i’d lov to interact with everybody

VIOLENCE TW

mini playlist.

ghosting ;; mother mother / roam the room ;; citizen / art of doubt ;; metric / thnks fr th mmrs ;; fall out boy / heart in a cage ;; the strokes / where is my mind? ;; the pixies / flowers grow out of my grave ;; dead man’s bones / 1984 (infinite jest) ;; the used / blister in the sun ;; the violent femmes.

statistics.

full name: gabriel de leon.

nickname(s): gabe.

birthday: october 31st, 1997.

zodiac: scorpio sun, scorpio moon, gemini ascending.

mbti & temperament: esfp & improvisor / sanguine.

label: the icarian.

hometown: belleville, new jersey.

sexuality: homosexual.

pinterest.

biography.

it’s only rly ever been gabe n his mom n the little new jersey suburbs that r always the same no matter where they go. they dn’t speak abt fathers or brothers or spain or anywhere other than the now, and how its constantly changing bt oddly the same.

his mom’s name is sonia n we love her. she worked a lot as a single mom n p much hs done everything on her own ever since leaving spain.

they dn’t talk abt spain bt we cn talk abt spain n hw sonia hd grown up partially there n partially in the states n hw she’d originally planned to live there forever bt the man she’d fallen in love with ws involved in some. high class dangerous shit n it ws safer fr them to part even if tht involved leaving everything she knew n loved <3

bt its like. ok. bc she hd gabe <3 n they dnt talk abt it so it practically nvr happened. n she tries her best as a mom n usually tht is enough.

they moved around a lot just bc sonia is a very. flighty person. anxious bt nvr seems tht way is just always. tense. gabe didnt think she ws capable of relaxing fr. a rly long time.

she wld commute 2 nyc every morning n after school gabe wld climb onto the train n by the time he got 2 her place of work she’d be just getting off n they’d get a slice of pizza n sometimes they’d go somewhere like central park or coney island (just fr the novelty) bt most of the time they just got back on the train home w/ gabe either doing homework or napping on her shoulder.

when gabe got a little older he’d sometimes skip school n take the train after sonia had already gone so he cld spend the day in nyc. he liked learning bt didnt rly like school. he nvr properly fit in bc of the amt of times they’d move so it felt like nowhere ws. right fr him.

got rly involved in. the punk scene as a young unsupervised teenager n tht led 2 a lot of like. shitty stick n pokes bt also a love of. very loud angry music n a sense of justice tht he held tightly in his fists. got mouthy towards bullies whether at school or in the scenes he involved himself in n started getting into a lot of fights bc of it.

during this, sonia ended up dating n marrying gabe’s stepdad who he calls craig sometimes bt i dnt think thats his name i wont lie to u guys. its partially a joke n partially purposeful disrespect bc gabriel does not trust a single man bt like. man. ‘craig’ is just an accountant. he’s fine he’s a good dude. they once bonded over like. the mets.

violence tw // anyways. when gabriel ws 16 he got into a super super bad fight tht ended rly. terribly n like listen. nobody died bt it ws just. it got blown up very out of proportion n gabe might’ve gotten expelled even tho he wsnt even the one who started it bt thts okay. ‘craig’, or paul, suggested tht maybe. a change of scenery wld b good fr gabe n b4 they knew it they were. moving to paul-robert’s hometown of irving, north carolina. violence end of tw //

he wld’ve complained more bt. fr sonia’s sake gabe kept it 2 himself. it made her happy 2 see them all get along anyways n like. idk he cld put forth tht little effort <3

bt honestly like. he didnt rly get into too many fights once they moved down here n even tho sometimes he ws like. ommgg. i hate this town .. its so washed up .. he still made friends n like. the only thing tht changed ws tht it ws a lil harder fr him 2 acquire illegal substances. 

anyways. currently he hs a tattoo apprenticeship n is a professional piercer n like. he plays guitar n writes songs bt thts more of a hobby rn than anything else. mostly focused on paying his rent at port apartments bc as much as he. loves his mom he does not want 2 live with her forever <3 n thts okay! 

personality & facts.

overall xtremely passionate person like god. feels emotions so intensely. every time he opens his mouth n talks abt an interest of theirs its just very like. u listen n ur like oh. gained 2 inspiration. thanks.

clings onto his friends p tightly bc he like. nvr rly stayed in one place fr super super long in new jersey so he nvr made very long term friends n now hes like. very clingy HLKDSHLKFSHLKDG also hates to b alone. subtle desperation behind interactions with ppl he rly wld like to be friends with.

like dnt get me wrong hes gotten into. sm fights bt thts mostly bc he cannot keep his mouth shut n he also cnt stand douchebags he like. always wants to tear them down prob bc he ws a victim of bullying. n u know what. we support him. otherwise he loves ppl bt esp if they hv similar interests 2 him.

like golden retriever who bites kind of. intensely loyal but at the same time is very skeptical. things tht good things do not last very long even though they’ve been doing already fr the last few years. 

also bit of a nerd. they were nvr rly a big fan of school bt theres smth abt a good superhero comic tht draws their attention more than like. any english class evr. bt seven soldiers of victory? classic. big dc fan.

uh. very into like. hardcore music. hardcore rock. punk. if its loud n angry they r into it like so so much. hs sm tattoos is like. super covered in them its partially bc they work at a tattoo shop n partially bc they do not know hw to manage their money well.

ooohh u know what theyre. kinda moody i wont lie to u. very defensive like they dnt evr wna talk abt their past. has experienced Things n they do not wish to discuss them. will usually like. deflect frm conversations he doesnt wna hv.

in tune with nature. loves fkn taking walks. hangs out in the woods by abernathy creek n lilac ridge bc nobody rly goes there n its just. nice

tries not 2 take anything super seriously 2 the point where when he does take smth seriously its a little scary bc theyre super intense abt it. forcibly optimistic even tho on the inside he feels like a total pessimist. lots of. deep down insecurities tht he projects by attaching himself p firmly onto others. >.>

so so so energetic. can never stay still. always hs to be moving around. restless like tht. probably got it frm his mom. overly protective over the ppl he loves. probably got it frm his mom as well.

goes onto Tangents bt also divert frm those tangents n is generally all over the place.

always cold n always looks tired n like he hsnt slept in a thousand years n u know what. sometimes he just does not sleep.

oooohh theyre a vegan. totally into animal rights. devious little demi man beyond that .. loves horror n the paranormal n believes in like. every cryptic. will debate u on it.

erm not. the kindest 2 themself theyre a bit self destructive. impulsive. drives very fast n parties super hard. said i will hv my effy stonem moment. u dont hv to gabe. 

bt ya! luvs oranges n reds n is maybe a short king. hs an eyebrow piercing n like. a lip ring i wont fk around here he IS living his best emo life in 2021. a little outdated on the trends bt thats okay. probably will tell u hes frm new jersey. its a personality trait. smokes the shittiest cigarettes ever.

wanted plots.

just ghosting along ,, dnt even exist 2 me ,, ;; god. firstly just the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs like. spoken to romantically n then dropped suddenly. n then maybe like. one tht actually Hurt bt they cnt avoid each other bt theyre actively pretending each other doesnt exist n its. hurtful bc it ws like. actually smth nice bt <3 ykno FKLFSDHG

hey hey heyy c’maahn i’m just a little guy ;; n this is the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs probably. pissed off n hs either fought or been on the verge of fighting just. unable 2 resist a good bicker-turned-duel.

just blistering in the sun ;; they cld b close friends bt also they cld also not b bt just ppl who. indulge in bad impulsive decisions with gabe. general bad influences on each other’s health n just. no good! party hard bt at what cost. 

n also ;; like ... rly solid good friendships ... flings n maybe an exe or two tht either ended on good terms or just. horrendous, ppl they’ve distanced frm, ppl also frm up north, piercing customers, bt not tattoo customers bc im p sure they’d get fired if they were just tattoo’ing ppl willy nilly, etc. 

[disparais]

that piece cannot be moved

(aka my nightmarish week back "home”)

24 September:

i want to scream but i can’t because i’m not even the screaming type. how sad is that.

i distinctly recall blowing off a little steam at kt re my mom last night. can’t even recall what it was about now because i keep procrastinating writing this post in its entirety (please don’t blame me both neo and msl are having events hurhur and texting friends is infinitely more appealing than dealing with my crappy life). probably something about how she’s been even more of a control freak than she usually is this past week because she’s out of her mind with stress about my brother’s promos. (he is in really bad shape though he’s all set to fail math so i think i might have to stage an intervention tomorrow.)

today i was stunned when she verbalized the possibility that she had an anxiety/control issue in the car. she foreshadowed this topic on the way out, checking the stove a whole bunch of times (which is highly uncharacteristic of her) and wryly noting how similar her behaviour was to that of OCD patients she’d met. but the true shock came when in the backseat, she casually mentioned that it was probably a manifestation of her anxiety, and admitted that my brother’s prelims are making her antsy as heck (no shit, sherlock).

kt was so positive and encouraging about it. i hope things get better.

(later that day)

today i was incensed. i got back (from a strange dinner date with m s f - this was really uncomfortable, yet familiar. idk i am bothered by this too but more on this in a separate post) and g was telling me about how worried she was about lunch with cl/her emotional reaction/how ready she felt for a confrontation. i was texting g about that, when mom appears and is all like “why aren’t you (doing what you’re supposed to do)” rn.

i can’t calmly narrate this part so i’m just going to script-ify it, bless my auditory memory:

me: f is having some issues so i’m talking her through them (i’m so sorry f if you ever see this - i have to lie about which friends i’m talking to sometimes because dear ol’ judgmental mom has an issue with humans having human issues & she already sees g as a burden)

mom: why are your friends so emo? people will always have problems; no one’s going to remember this conversation in a while anyway

me (indignant): i care that i’m there for them when they need me, and i will remember this conversation, and i’m sure they care that i was there when they needed me. i’d rather be there for my friends than graduate with a fucking mbbs anyway

mom: your friends won’t be friends with you in future if you don’t have an mbbs

me: how dare you presume what my friends will be like??? sure some might change but right now not one of them is like that and i’m sorry you feel this way about friendships ?!?!

mom (with calm certainty): it’s difficult to be friends with someone not from your socioeconomic class. like imagine visiting their big house in bukit timah [and there being this awkwardness because they both know you’re not as well-off]

i was so ANGRY i could feel it in my extremities and all my blood just rushed to my head. it is vital that i get this conversation down on paper because i need to remember that every time i second-guess myself and 心软, i need to force myself to remember that i’m not dealing with someone who cares about my feelings (or, perhaps, anyone’s feelings).

don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me (in her own warped way). it’s just that she doesn’t respect me as an individual, doesn’t give a flying fuck about my feelings/dreams/me as a person in general, and doesn’t want to admit she’s flawed in any way. (which is why i’m never going to get a sincere apology + repentance from her, and why every time something goes wrong it’s everyone’s fault but her own - tbh this is everyone in the household other than me and rarely my dad UGH what is it with people and their inability to admit/take responsibility for their wrongdoings?)

26 September:

apparently, to this family, i am little more than an investment.

first she had to come argue with me in the damn shower. and then she had to drop bombs like those and now she expects quick healing. goodness. chernobyl is still a wasteland. it’s not as simple as downing a parlyz heal. even appendix cancer surgery pales in comparison. how do we recover from things like these?

we don’t, that’s how.

while sobbing my eyes out in the shower (if i can’t cry silently shit is pretty damn real because i can’t remember the last time i couldn’t suppress my sobs), i can admit that the following possibilities crossed my mind, some with a greater degree of seriousness of intent than others:

applying for a gap semester

transferring to fass and doing my dream job already ahh i got a taste of it again when editing s’ reflection and he said “your writing is damn imba” + “it’s like driving a toyota to servicing and getting a merc[edes] in return” hehe i was deeply pleased. this is something i excel at that effortlessly that i actually enjoy. why God why

离家出走, which brought me to...

...staying in capt permanently (i immediately ruled this out because i bet that woman would show up and bang my doors down since who lets investments run away? that’d make me a ponzi scheme)

legal emancipation (i wondered if i would get access to the admittedly-not-a-lot-of-money in the bank registered under my name), which brought me to...

...半工半读 and/or applying for scholarships/bursaries (a good idea esp when coupled with legal emancipation, methinks)

finality (but no i’ve considered this way too many times and whenever i do the math it’s never going to be worth it. first and foremost there’s the eternal wrath of my Creator to deal with. and i do not live for my family - my life is not theirs to 左右; there are so many beautiful things i live for like close friends and classical music and serendipitous moments and i know there is more ahead for me. my life is a symphony and i have barely finished my first sonata.)

27 September:

for the second time in my life, i caught myself doing the continent thing.

i chose to rant to f, who did tell me what i needed to hear, which was reassuring coming from her since i’m real stressed about us drifting apart. it seems as though s is her primary confidante these days and i’m not benchmarking, i’m really not (i haven’t figured out why since f means so much to me) - it’s just made me wonder if my importance has diminished. f knew to reassure me in terms of how desirable my time/company was (smart) because of how happy i made her (smarter). i think the misstep was telling me that everything would be fine again with family, and pulling out the ohana quote - i have no room in my life for emptily encouraging bs. but i reiterate, i drew much strength from the personal bit. and for that i am deeply grateful.

i’m vaguely sorry for pretending i was fine, but kt already has so much on her plate and i’ve already stretched her bandwidth on monday night so i felt like showing my brokenness to her wouldn’t be the best thing for her.

my gratitude knows no bounds. she effortlessly pulled me out of my (i am lost for words because “bad mood” doesn’t even begin to cut it).

because i was grappling with feelings of unworthiness/commodification, i really just needed to know that i was loved as simply myself, and no one else. not the doctor-to-be, not the daughter, not the comm member, not even the spiritual sister. just me. and she made me feel like i was enough. my mood lifted within like 5-10 minutes of talking to her, and mentioning 凤凰传奇’s most ridiculous songs (completely random on my end) sparked one of our most hilarious conversations to date.

i’m just so much lighter and happier, knowing that someone values me of their own volition.